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’ve ler! I am so thrilled that we t anniversary of the Quibb firs ul the d erf nd ate wo ebr cel my ly nk ent We rec again like to tha whole year. I would once already been around for a ue possible. iss s thi -ers who have made team of diligent Quibbler st es than the Defense Again times more staffing chang ee thr ee ut thr abo ter ne Af r. go eve der as un ong We’ve gwarts, but we’re still as str ed nag ma e hav the Dark Arts post at Ho we and pleading for content, months of much beg ging gazine for you all to enjoy. to put together a lovely ma Thank you all readers for your support. I’d like to thank all of you more! ny ma hoping for many, for a wonderful year. Here’s !
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THE QUIBBLER: NO. 34848 JULY 2017 THIS ISSUE OF THE QUIBBLER WAS CREATED, WRITTEN, PRODUCED AND REVIEWED BY THE HOGWARTS STAFF AT /R/THEQUIBBLER. THIS ISSUE FEATURES ARTICLES THAT EXPOSE THE TRUTH. SELLING OVER 1,500,000 COPIES WITH OVER 29,000 DIFFERENT ISSUES, WE ARE THE WIZARDING WORLD’S ALTERNATIVE VOICE AND REASON SINCE 1989. WE THANK YOU FOR READING AND PURCHASING OUR SMALL INDEPENDENT NEWS MAGAZINE
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WELCOME TO OUR BRAND NEW ISSUE OF THE QUIBBLER. BELOW IS AN OVERVIEW OF EVERYTHING YOU CAN FIND IN THIS ALL NEW EDITION OF THE QUIBBLER! WE HOPE YOU FIND THE EXPERIENCE BOTH ENLIGHTENING AND ENTERTAINING! THE BIGGEST STORIES FROM THE
FRONTPAGE:
07 The Weird Sisters Reunited! 42 Catch up with Krum 48
Dragons on the Ministry's Payroll? EXCLUSIVE: Is there any truth to the crazy stories coming from London?
Is the most popular wizarding band gearing up for a come-back?
He couldn't hide forever. Read it now in our EXCLUSIVE interview!
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BREAKING NEWS:
jfjsdjwfksfkljklwenjkfnzwdiewghiorndgknakflenifnsdnakhwroiuwehdnmd, News And Features. ................................ 06
Education. ............................................... 50
Travel....................................................... 13
Crafts, Brews, And Hobbies.................... 66
Dark Arts................................................. 15
Fashion..................................................... 73
Magical Plants And Creatures. ............. 22
Horror-Scopes......................................... 76
Divination................................................ 28
Puzzles And Games.................................. 77
Entertainment. ....................................... 31
Classifieds................................................ 80
Sports. ...................................................... 45
STAFF:
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Editor-In-Chief: Starflashfairy Managing Editors: Elbowsss, L-ily, -MrJ-, Eldis_ Administration: Rissajo685, Marx0r, Dagrock, Wiksry Layout and Design: Mathy16, Csatvtftw, Thealtoid Art: Pastelpurrfect Classifieds: L-ily Crafts, Brews, & Hobbies: Mathias_Greyjoy Dark Arts: Bubbasaurus Divination: Starflashfairy Education: Starboost3 Entertainment: Marsthemush Fashion: jfinner1 Magical Plants & Creatures: Sparkas News & Features: theDUQofFRAT Sports: Elphabaisfae Travel: Duck_Sized_Duck Contributors: A_wisher, Achatyla, AngryMoonBear, Capitolsara, DRAGON_TAMER166, elbowsss, Eldis_, Elphabaisfae, ibigandscary, jarris123, jfinner1, K9centipede, kirri18, L-ily, Lodf, Marx0r, Mathias_Greyjoy, Midnightdragon, NerdyNae, pastelpurrfect, PeteDS, russianknyaz, Ryan814, Rysler, Samuraispiritus, Slurp_Lord, star-sand, starflashfairy, Throwawayjust_incase, UlyNeves, VeganGamerr, veoviscool12, wiksry, WitchUnicorn
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QUIBBLER NEWS & FEATURES
SCANDAL!?
Quibbler Editor in Chief Harbors Secret Gryffindor Bias(?)
Q
uibbler E.I.C Starflashfairy came under heavy fire this month, following an incident in which she allegedly rejected a prospective employee because he “wasn’t in Gryffindor”. Freelance columnist AngryMoonBear brings you inside the scandal with an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with the disgruntled applicant. The following is a text transcript of their SHOCKING conversation. AngryMoonBear: “Thank you for agreeing to this interview so soon after the incident, I’m sure you must still be very upset. Can you tell us your side of the story? What really happened?” Anonymous Victim: “Yes I’m still feeling very shaken, I never would have expected to encounter such blatant, unapologetic discrimination in this day and age! It’s always been my dream to work for the Quibbler, and this broke my heart…” A.M.B: “How tragic. I wish you a speedy recovery from this cruel and traumatic experience.” Victim: “Thank you.” A.M.B: “You told me earlier that during your employment interview you were asked, and I quote, “Are you in Gryffindor?” Is that correct? Were you really asked such a specific question?” Victim: “Yes, word for word! She asked me pointblank whether or not I was in Gryffindor house, and when I said no, she said to get out of her office!”
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A.M.B: “That is deeply troubling, I can scarcely believe such obvious favoritism is tolerated at the Quibbler. The public will be outraged!” Victim: “Indeed, I’m glad you see it my way.” A.M.B: “Incidentally, which position were you applying for?” Victim: “I was applying to be the new Gryffindor Office Manager”. A.M.B: “Ah, the Gryf- … I’m sorry, did you say Gryffindor Office Manager?” Victim: “Yes, that’s correct.” A.M.B: “And… are you in Gryffindor?” Victim: “No of course not. I’m in Slytherin.” A.M.B: “…” Victim: “…” A.M.B: “Thank you for your time, I believe that will be all…”
NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER
QUIBBLER EXCLUSIVE: Ministry of Magic to use DRAGONS for law enforcement The magical community was rocked by another stunning revelation this month, when a source close to the Ministry revealed to the Quibbler’s own Penelope Pensworth that the Department of Magical Law Enforcement plans to incorporate Ukranian Ironbellies in their law enforcement efforts! Our anonymous insider and daring investigator put themselves at great risk to bring you this astonishing testimony. Ministry Whistleblower: “Ministry dragons? Hah! Can you imagine? ‘One more unauthorized portkey and we’ll set the Ironbelly on you!’ That’d sort things out in a hurry. Probably make my job a lot easi- hey why are you writing this down?”
Pensworth: “You can play coy but I have it on good authority that your department intends to utilize domesticated dragons in the catching of dark wizards!”
With such obvious obfuscations undoubtedly underfoot, our intrepid investigator had no choice but to dig deeper into the machinations of the Ministry. The following transcript was recorded at the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, deep in the bowels of the Ministry itself.
Pensworth: “Impractical? Or inevitable?”
Penelope Pensworth: “Sir! Care to comment on your department’s rumored involvement with dragon domestication?” Ministry Employee: “I.. Dragons? If you’re looking for the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, you’re on the wrong floor.”
Employee: “That would be wildly impractical.” Employee: “Impractical.” Pensworth: “But not impossible?” Employee: “I’m guessing you don’t have an appointment.” Despite being forcibly removed from the premises, our investigative journalist is confident that she dealt a serious blow to the Ministry’s dangerous dragon dealings. The Ministry will undoubtedly continue to deny all involvement with these worrisome wyrms, but we here at the Quibbler are determined to reach the truth of the matter.
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QUIBBLER INSERT
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NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER
LAW ENFORCEMENT REPORTS The Head of Magical Law Enforcement noted that this season, incidents were few and far in between, however were very grave. Remember to stay ever vigilant and to treat fellow Muggles with compassion. MAGICAL LAW ENFORCEMENT PATROL: ◊ JUNE 20 9:00 P.M: A secret tip to the MLE leads aurors to a dark wizards’ ritual. Over 30 witches and wizards apprehended dabbling in a blood sacrificial ritual.Victim safe and unharmed. All miscreants in Auror custody and awaiting trial. ◊ JUNE 30 1:32 P.M: Wizard of interest spotted in Vertic Alley and started firing off curses. Aurors rushed to the scene and had taken control of the situation before serious damage could be done. There were no injuries. ◊ JULY 4 8:24 P.M: Aurors on high alert as multiple counts of wizard fireworks make their way into the muggle communities. MISUSE OF MUGGLE ARTIFACTS: ◊ JULY 1 6:00 P.M: Wizard tinkers with muggle fireworks and causes a fiery explosion in a muggle area. All muggles obliviated. ◊ JULY 2 3:53 A.M: Contraband muggle fireworks ring uncovered and stopped. Over 20 Knockturn Alley peddlers involved and awaiting trial. ◊ JULY 15 4:09 P.M: Magical heirlooms pop in in muggle antique store, causing an unfortunate fellow to fall into a magical coma. Victim has been awakened and after further questioning, heirlooms were found to be from a recently dead magical line whose descendants knew nothing of the magical world. The antique store has been quarantined and all donated items are being carefully
scrutinized. ◊ July 16 11:29 P.M: Rowdy teenage wizards charm public drinking fountain to splash water on unsuspecting muggles. While harmless, the teens were deemed suspicious and attacked by an irate victim. Aurors were called in to calm the situation. DEPARTMENT OF INTOXICATING SUBSTANCES: ◊ JUNE 1 6.09 P.M: Witch found to be selling magical alcohol to muggle teenagers. Teens end in laughing hysteria. Given calming draughts and told they’d “had a bad trip.” ◊ JUNE 15 2:35 A.M: Shipment of gillyweed is accidentally lost and mixed in with muggle “salad” bags. High reports of muggle “Mermaids” throughout the country. Fortunately, various big name muggle companies have been making mermaid inspired items and such reports have been touted as “marketing.” No further actions necessary.. ◊ JULY 5 10:30 A.M: Witch found to be using Potion of Flavoring in her pies and entering muggle pie contests. After winning 5 times in a row, aurors were sent to investigate and immediately noticed the potion in her cooking. Fined for illegally intoxicating muggles without their consent and cheating in a contest. IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC: ◊ MAY 12 5:23 P.M: Muggle news reported an alarming number of haunted homes in a very magical part of London. When Aurors went in to investigate, they realized a witch had been jinxing neighbor’s homes she didn’t like in the hopes of having
them move away. Witch fined for casting against muggles. Muggle authorities have been told it was all a hoax and affected victims have been obliviated. ◊ JUNE 5 4:20 P.M: Magical family accidentally creates a sandman when visiting their local beach. Aurors quickly put the sandman to sleep. Luckily, no muggles were in the area. DEPARTMENT FOR THE REGULATION AND CONTROL OF CARE OF MAGICAL CREATURES: ◊ JUNE 10 3:10 A.M: Various complaints of howling in the nearby woods. Team of Aurors sent to investigate. Finds a pack of werewolves. Sleeping charm is placed on the werewolves and they are moved to a werewolf sanctuary. ◊ JULY 1 3:55 P.M: Famous Kelpie “Loch Ness Monster” spotted by muggles again in Loch Ness. Team sent in to obliviate most muggles and kelpie moved to a more secluded location. ◊ JULY 4 2:24 P.M: Young wizards accidentally swim in grindylow infested area. Trigger was enacted and a team of aurors saved them just in time. Victims are safe. ◊ JULY 24 5:44 P.M: Local muggles playing “Pokemon Go” stumble upon a sleeping dragon as they were searching for a “Charizard.” Luckily, dragon handlers were nearby and quickly sedated the dragon. Officials are analyzing “Pokemon Go” to see if it can actually find dragons, or if it was a coincidence.
The Minister of Magic and The Head of Magical Law Enforcement would like to thank the Auror Headquarters, Wizengamot Administration Services, Hit Wizards, Investigation Department, Ministry of Magic Witch Watchers, Office for the Detection and Confiscation of Counterfeit Defensive Spells and Protective Objects, and all others that keep our world safe. 9
QUIBBLER INSERT
The Cauldron Wars: Ministry on Side of CHOCA? A while back a dispute erupted. A couple of friends had a light hearted discussion about their favorite cauldron shaped treats. However their mistake was that they talked in the middle of a busy street. Random strangers joined their tiny argument and things turned nasty. It turned into one of largest and most violent battles in wizarding history. This dispute turned into a full on war. When last I reported it was nothing but rumors and speculation. Now we have facts and anonymous sources confirming that a war has begun. The two sides are CHOCA and CACA. CHOCA fights to prove that chocolate cauldrons are better whilst CACA fight to prove that cauldron cakes are better.
about this is that he was one of the few that the aurors apprehended after the original battle. He’d been tried by the Wizengamot and sentenced to a full year in Azkaban as well as losing his job at the Ministry of Magic. He has been issued a full release not a day after due to an anonymous bribe worth ten thousand galleons.
Suspicions arose as to who the leaders of these organizations were. It was suspected that Dean Thomas would lead CACA, although since gave an exclusive report that he hadn’t yet taken a side in the war - if he did he’d join CHOCA. It has been confirmed that Thomas has in fact joined CHOCA but has not claimed leadership.
This isn’t legal or in accordance with any Ministry laws. This leads us to think that the Ministry is taking side with CHOCA in the war. This is of course stirring up anger among civilian citizens and many ministry employees. It’s unknown exactly how many Ministry officials had a say in the illegal and immoral release of Mackay, but this doesn’t look good. Another corrupt government is the last thing we need right now.
Jensen Mackay is the current standing leader of CHOCA, so the rumors held true. The odd thing
The fact is that incredible amount of money for one man is truly baffling. Our theory is that the entire-
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ty of CHOCA pooled their money together to be able to afford it. We really hope that isn’t the case because that’d mean that there are far more members on each side than we’d originally anticipated. As for CACA, it has been said that they do not have a leader. Apparently they’ve got a council of fifteen executives that makes the decisions. This doesn’t seem too likely, but it’s what we’ll be forced to believe until said otherwise. So when will the next battle be? What are the team’s strategies? Is CACA lying about not having a leader? Will CHOCA corrupt the government? Only time will tell.
NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER
MUGGLE-LIVING WITCH: WHY PENELOPE PENDLETON CHOSE TO LIVE WITH MINIMAL MAGIC Interview Conducted by Katarina Lang When I first got married, it was quickly – and probably selfishly – decided that we would live on my parent’s estate, magically hidden on the outskirts of Cardiff. We had always been very magically dependent; our children, Fitz and Deirdre, were using small amounts of magic to accomplish simple tasks by the time they were four. But it was not until I saw my muggle sister-in-law’s family that we realised how detrimental this had become to our children’s behaviour. My sister-in-law Olivia has three children, ages two, eight, and eleven, but no husband. We used to visit them in their tiny Birmingham home maybe once every other month. We had a lovely meal, hand-cooked by Olivia. It took them two and a half hours to accomplish what I could in minutes. My children did not eat much but I dismissed it as childhood pickiness. In conversation, we gingerly skated around the magic nature of our lives, so as to not mock her children for their lack of magical talent. At least, that’s what I believed. I was bitter, it’s true, about hiding who we were to protect the feelings of her children. It wasn’t our fault we were born a witch and wizard. It wasn’t our fault she and her children were born lacking. When we said our goodbyes, it was half-heartedly – I did not enjoy being around them, with my wand stowed away, with my children bored. Two years ago, Olivia be-
came very ill. She was admitted to their local Muggle hospital, despite my insistence that St Mungo’s would have treated her in an afternoon. Much to my chagrin, my husband volunteered to stay at their house and give her children some stability. Not feeling up to dealing with my two hooligans alone, I asked my mother to watch Fitz and Deirdre for a week and went to stay with him. We had to do everything the Muggle way and my god, it was slow. Cooking was a chore; washing clothes in a machine took forever. We had to handle bills for electricity and water to cover things that we could have done with a flick of our wrist. It wasn’t that hard for my husband – he’d grown up this way and it seemed to come so naturally to him. He almost seemed to enjoy it. I hated it. I spent more and more time at my Ministry job, often missing dinner and getting home after the children had gone to bed. I wondered more than once if I should just up and leave, especially when one week became two, and two became a month. I was losing my mind. I missed magic. I missed my children. I missed my home. I decided enough was enough and sat my husband down to tell him I couldn’t take it anymore. “Why not bring the children here?” He asked me. I was horrified. Did he expect our children to live like this? Like Muggles.
“It’ll be good for them,” he insisted. “How?” I ranted. How would denying them their power be good for them? He told me to come early the next day. I acquiesced, reluctantly. I found him in the kitchen with Olivia’s eldest, Milly, cooking dinner. They were singing along to the radio, a song I had never heard, and as I watched, I began to realise something. There was a reason why Olivia loved to cook – they weren’t doing a chore, they were spending time together. They were chatting and working, harmonising their jobs in rhythm, seamless. After a few minutes, I was almost barrelled over by the middle child, Ben, holding the youngest, Kian. He deposited the toddler in the highchair and began setting the table. After dinner, they began to clear away the plates, Ben drying to my husband’s washing, and Milly spooning leftovers into boxes for the next day’s lunch. I absentmindedly amused baby Kian and wondered. I began paying attention over the next few days. The children may have whined and complained, but they had a sense of accountability my kids had never had. They did their chores; they owned up to their mistakes. They fought like cats and dogs, and apologised deeply. There was no flick of a wand to make anything better. They worked hard for what they had and it showed. They had responsibilities and an understanding of what it
meant to work. My kids, I realised, were spoilt by magic. Olivia was released for hospital after two and a half months and I swear I have never seen such a frail woman look so strong. My time with her family had changed my outlook on my life. I took my husband aside and we discussed what I had learnt and what my husband had always suspected: growing up in a purely magical household like my family’s home was not doing our children any favours. We’ve now been living in Chester for a year. Everyone on our street is a muggle. My kids, now five and seven, go to the local primary school – although it took a while to explain to her why magic was not allowed at school, Deirdre now insists on being called Dee because it’s less ‘weird’ to her new friends. I cook with my husband most days. Deirdre must clean her room and set the table without magic. She learns mathematics and science that I could never teach her. And Olivia and I are much closer – I even learnt how to text, which is an electronic, instantaneous letter that Muggles send between machines. It was hard, at first, breaking the lifelong habit to reach for my wand at every little bump. But it has made me stronger, and brought our family closer. And my children are so much better for it.
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QUIBBLER NEWS & FEATURES
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TRAVEL QUIBBLER
See The World with EF Wizard Tours BY CAPITOLSARA
T
he dust has settled. The war is over. But things are still not totally back to normal. Before Voldemort’s initial rise to power before the war, it was common to see post-Hogwarts graduates (in fact graduates from all major wizarding schools) go on a ‘Grand Tour’ of the world. The purpose being to visit various wizarding communities, engaging with different cultures. Trips such as these served to broaden the horizons and perspectives of the graduates. Though not everyone took them, it offered a sense of excitement to graduating students. EF Wizard Tours wants to bring that excitement back. Designed to be a prolonged trip for ages 17 to 27, the trip serves as a way for a new generation of witches and wizards to broaden their worldview. There are THREE trips currently offered: The first is a two week tour beginning in Africa. Participants will enjoy a tour of the wizarding community atop the Mountains of the Moon in Uganda. Week One is spent traveling and exploring small wizarding communities through the eyes of their contemporaries; the recent graduates of Uagadou School of Magic. Week Two is spent in the wizarding communities of England; specifically all-wizard communities like Diagon Alley and Godric’s Hollow, as well as communities where wizards live side by side with muggles. This trip serves as a way to build a bridge between wizarding communities that otherwise would never have met. As their company statement goes: “It’s more than a tourist opportunity.” EF Wizard Tours works to serve as a way to bring together communities and cultures that have had little interaction in the past. Another offering is a Grand Middle Eastern Tour. This month long adventure is open only to students graduating from the
three premier wizarding schools in Europe: Hogwarts, Beauxbatons and Durmstrang. Participants will embark on a month long tour through North Africa and the Middle East, showcasing ancient wizarding communities. The goal of this trip is to explore more ancient magics, and learn what role they play in modern times. The newest trip available is of North America. Participants will embark on an eight week tour of wizarding sites in the United States and Canada. Two weeks are spent traveling to the wizarding communities in Salem, New Roanoke, San Francisco. This leg of the tour is rounded out with stay on a magical reservation in beautiful Dinétah. The rest of the tour is spent working in the MACUSA offices, and integrating into life in the United States. This summer will be the first time this tour is offered. There are many restrictions and requirements needed in order to be accepted into the program. Most importantly, an interest in working in future Ministries, and a passion for social change.
Zhou has a small team of five members who work together to design the trips. They hire local guides to help lead tours, and to give an air of authenticity. They also use their connections in international wizarding offices to ensure these trips are more than your basic tourist experiences. “Tourism is fun,” Zhou explained. “But we want our trips to have something more meaningful. So in our new America program the students get a night on the town in New Orleans, but they also visit a Ozarks colony and see how wizards there live. It’s important to bring that balance.” Their tours have attracted hundreds of applications. The group is hoping to someday have an official office in the The Department of International Magical Cooperation. For now they are operating above a storefront in Diagon Alley. “There’s no limit to how this program can grow!” Zhou said excitedly. “As long as people are interested in travel and broadening their minds, we’ll be here to help.”
There are talks of expanding the program even further in the coming years. “We’d love to put together a ‘Build Your Own’ version, where we can use our connections to help students create their own tours. Of course we also intend to add a Grand Europe Tour, and a tour of South American wizarding communities as well!” founder Cynthia Zhou explained. 13
QUIBBLER INSERT
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DARK ARTS QUIBBLER
THE MAGICAL PROPERTIES OF THE RUBBER DUCK Inquisitorial Journalist S. Spiritus Unfortunately, there may be more to the Muggles and their innocuous bath pleasantries than expected. When the news that an effigy of a normally-mundane squeaky toy could have magical properties reached my ears, I was in awkward disbelief. One one hand, I was slightly intrigued, but on the other, I was a little intimidated by the Muggles’ disgusting bath water. I plugged my nose and took the plunge. It seems as though the Muggles may actually be onto something with preserving an animal's essence in this small and utterly adorable little plaything. After careful examination of many collections of the little fowls, I have uncovered some of the most beautiful magical secrets, which can only be described as more important than the infamous discovery of the Crumple-Horned Snorkack. These small ducks not only carry protection from drowning by giving the ability to breath underwater in the event of falling asleep in a nice warm bath (as told by reliable sources), but also repel dark and evil magic.
MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE?
Their protective properties were tested on a group of unsuspecting werewolves and it rendered them completely harmless, for whatever reason compelling them to return the ducks to me so that I would throw them again. They obviously carry some kind of imperious qualities.
They have also been reported by Witches and Wizards unknown to cure many a melancholy mood. They must have some sort of giggle potion imbued into their tiny, rubber feathers. One by one, I witnessed Witches and Wizards smile as they handled the toys. It was incredible. I will continue my research into the so-called “Rubber-Duck” and return with a list of the 13 most useful purposes of the miniature quackers for Witches and Wizards, but until then they should be treated with the utmost caution. They are to be considered profound and could be dangerous. 15
QUIBBLER INSERT
A Friend in the Dark BY SAMURAISPIRITUS
An unnamed Ministry official has asked the Quibbler to look into a frightful new discovery. I have taken up the charge as a senior inquisitorial investigator to follow up on what is believed by most to be preposterous hubbub. The dangerous part about hubbub is that people tend to underestimate how powerful it can truly be. I pledge to the readers of the Quibbler that I have actually packed away the quick quotes quill for this story to show you what is needed by all to be the common wizarding knowledge of this new threat to our kind. I find that our most incredible moments sometimes find us when we least expect them, much like that brave little boy and the Dark Lord all those years ago. Therefore, when I was approached by [prominent unnamed Ministry figure who I assure you is very concerned for our safety], I packed away the Weasleys’ products that I had been prompted to investigate and lent the man an ear. “You see, we at the ministry wish your readers to be aware of this very important subject that we have been monitoring. I am truly concerned for their safety!” He adjusted the large pin on his lapel and I began to take notes. It was brought to my attention that a cave was found in the isles off an unnamed coast that housed something particularly...dark. It had claimed the lives of two wizards who were researching Magical Beasts. Their wands were all that was left besides a few scraps of their then decrepit clothing. I was curious and I put on my brave drawers to bring you the most incredulous details. The cave was most damp and housed a rank smell that reminded me of my journeys with the curse breakers in the tombs in Egypt. As I ventured in, my wand glowing with the mystical bright light of a perfectly performed Lumos charm with the Maxima enhancement. I noticed something queer that caught my eye and stopped. Something was mirroring the light further down in the tunnel. 16
I extinguished my excellent charm immediately and instantly the mirroring light did the same. I continued on, risking life and limb for everyone whose eyes are on this page. What I discovered was quite surprising! A mirrored wall, deep in the tunnel. I peered into it, a seamless mirrored wall that covered the entire back end of the underground, glorified worm track. As I stared at myself, my reflection became of its own volition. This was not uncommon as my reflection often tries to get me to cut myself whilst shaving. Though what I found peculiar, dark so to say, was that he was writing something. “Power to drink, the weary to think, To Magical be, is to suffer never see. Those whose blood remains unseen, let ye come forth. Drink as those have drunk, Claim as those have claimed, Ascend to heights forever maimed, By muggle blood and mortal flesh.” Have we found the source of magic everywhere? Can a Muggle or Squib become a Witch or Wizard if they only follow the mirror’s instructions? I will leave that for the readership to ponder. I for one decided long ago that I would use my magic for the light and truth. That is my path… what is yours? -- Senior Inquisitorial Journalist S. Spiritus
DARK ARTS QUIBBLER
6.24.1995 BY: VEGANGAMERR
Twenty-fourth of June, Nineteen-Ninety-Five! Death-Eaters’ boon, Voldy’s return did arrive! Bone, Flesh, and Blood. Restore the dark stud. Began the second age of joy and fun! Potter the Rotter would soon be done! Or so us gallant guys had thought... Evil DA, a war they sorely sought... Love and peace is for what we pleaded, But desired for death, the three did. Ending in an unfortunate murder, By Harry, very much out of order... Still, one happy thing in this poem I can say! June Twenty-Fourth is also my birthday!
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QUIBBLER DARK ARTS
VEOISCOOL12 UNCOVERS
WORDS OF A
DEATHEATER T
his diary fragment has been transcribed and published as part of an ongoing effort of the Second Wizarding War Historical Survey. Discovered on the Hogwarts grounds shortly after the Battle of Hogwarts. Author unknown. Warning: Contains material unsuitable for certain audiences. The Dark Lord has fallen. It cannot be! An infant best our master? Never! We were so close. The Order was giving way; we were picking them off, one by one, ready to start making our final moves. I had been stalking Vance for a month, noting her weaknesses, planning her final minutes. Bloody hell! It might still be salvageable. We can continue his work. No, we must. We cannot allow filthy Mudbloods and Muggles to drag us down with them. … Everything is coming apart without him. Lucius has already begun maneuvering and bribing his way out of punishment, the pompous coward. I see his usefulness; he knows how to pull at the invisible strings of the Ministry. But magical power? His power is mere gold, and what use would that have been once we ruled? None! He would have been reduced to nothing, kneeling 18
before the Dark Lord, begging for forgiveness. I can only dream now of the pain I would have inflicted on him during his final judgment. Most of them follow his example. Cajoling, lying, pretending to have been under the Imperius Curse. Ha! I saw the look of savage pleasure on Dolohov’s face as he cursed Fabian. If the Ministry had any sense they’d ask all of us to kill a ferret. They’d be able to tell who really believed. Who truly understood. Most just want guidance, want to feel involved, want to feed their dull, savage impulses. They want to
be on top with whoever is strongest, whoever thinks like them. Only a few of us are dedicated to the actual idea of the Dark Arts, what they represent, what wizards can and should be. Barty and Bellatrix come close, though they are blind to the subtleties that Lucius can work so well. … I have underestimated the zeal and determination of the Ministry. Without the Dark Lord, they have become more bold. It has become necessary to leave the country. I abhor the fact that I must run, but what can I do? Bellatrix refused to do so, and look where she ended up! Shut away in
Azkaban. Loyalty to the Dark Lord is one thing, but she’s mad. We must be patient, and listen to the dark undercurrent of whispers and nameless fears. I’ll need to source some Boomslang skin from Fletcher. … I tried to contact Lucius, get him to join me in the search. Unsurprisingly, he was unwilling to do so. He merely adapted to the current order, rather than trying to revive the old one. Oh, if only the Dark Lord could have heard his excuses! “I cannot travel to Albania. The moment I take one step towards the Dark Lord of my own free will, it might … appear …” He trailed off and smirked at me. I will never bow to Lucius. His slipperiness is disgusting. Moreover, he believes himself to be better than me. Better! We stood side by side next to the Dark Lord, took instructions as equals. Curse him and his notions of class! If we were to duel, I would easily kill him. I am sure of that. … He was after the Stone!
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Idiot, idiot! I should have seen it. There are only whispers and rumors, but it’s clear enough. Quirrell must have been a faithful servant, and made the ultimate sacrifice. How did he find him? I searched all over Albania and found nothing. Quirrell must have picked him up before me, leaving an empty forest. No matter. A barrel of firewhisky will help. … The Mark shone once again! Pity they ran. I am certain Lucius was among them, leading them. Ha, leading them in flight, the coward. Who could have cast it? I’m sure it wasn’t one of them. But no one else is left. The loyal ones are in Azkaban, if they haven’t died already, Black…? But that makes no sense, Black was in the Order. I dueled him myself! Clever fighter; pity I missed with a Disembowelment Curse, that would have been a sore blow for him. … The Mark is darkening. He must be recovering. Despite my best efforts, I cannot locate him. No matter. He will summon us when it’s time. …
…
Pettigrew is alive? He’s the one who brought the Dark Lord back to full strength? What kind of a mad world do I live in? It should have been me! I spent fourteen years searching for my master, sacrificed so much, and not a word of thanks just because I wasn’t subjected to Dementors? No matter. There must be some plan. He must be stringing Lucius along, playing with his food. I want to see his face when Nagini sinks her fangs into his throat. … I’m being cut out of the inner workings. It doesn’t look like it, but I’m not being given the same assignments I was receiving the first time. Why? I’ve proved my worth and dedication! Instead of being rewarded, I’m tasked with running errands for Pettigrew and
WE'RE ABOUT TO WIN.
It’s becoming harder to conceal. I make frequent excuses for my long sleeves. Pain runs up my arm almost constantly now. Soon.
He is back! He has fulfilled our deepest desire, and risen again! The Dark Lord is once more our master, and we shall sweep aside the wretched refuse of Mudbloods.
Severus. Severus, at least, is sharp. I just want to turn Pettigrew’s face inside out. …
It appears that I haven’t been completely forgotten after all. We are moving on Azkaban to free the others. It’ll be easy with the Dementors on our side, and I’ve been practicing some spectacular destruction curses. The walls won’t stand a chance. … Lucius was tasked with running the raid on the [REDACTED]. The Dark Lord does not include me in all of his plans, true, but I’m an excellent duelist. I helped put the Prewett brothers in the ground! There must be something else he’s saving for me. Yes, that’s it. He can’t trust anyone else with some of the specialty magic I have mastered. He’ll come to me soon. … Bellatrix won’t stop crowing about finally fixing a major stain in her family tree. It’s getting on my nerves whenever I visit the manor, which I try to do as little as possible anyway. Clearly Azkaban has brought out her darker tendencies in full force. Of course, despite her eccentricities, she’s a formidable woman. Very formidable.
shall die, it will be because of my own mistakes and not the idiotic bumbling of others. I’m looking forward to dueling some of the professors. Alecto hates them and thinks they’re worthless, but I trust Severus’s judgment on this one. He does, after all, have considerable skill, whereas the Carrows just have ancient cave clubs. So to speak. The end of wizard repression is coming, I can feel it. We’ll destroy those in our way and take our rightful place as rulers of Muggles and Mudbloods. They don’t understand yet that they’ll be better off if we rule, but it’ll be all too clear soon. I can already see the beautiful massacre I will perpetrate on the battlefield. … It’s about to begin. They don’t stand a chance. We’re about to win.
… We’re marching on Hogwarts. The Dark Lord has become angrier and angrier with each escape of the Potter boy. I don’t know why he thinks Potter has returned to the most obvious place for him to be, but our Lord must have his own reasons for believing so. I’ve stopped coming near him since the slaughter of the goblins. If I 19
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LYCANTHROPy Long believed in some circles to be lower than witches and wizards, those afflicted with lycanthropy have suffered through their painful transformations and fear of causing harm to others. This article will provide an indepth explanation on the causes of lycanthropy as well as a study of the wolf brain and the Wolfsbane potion’s effects on werewolves. To understand the transformation, we must first understand the origin of the werewolf. As we know, the werewolf traces back to the Proto-Indo-Europeans where they recorded sightings of “men turning into wolves”. The modern understanding of werewolves, however, evolved during the Christianisation of Europe. There are also many references from ancient Greece and Italy. The name werewolf originates in the old english word wer meaning man and wulf meaning wolf. We understand the transformation from man to wolf, from accounts given, to be exceedingly painful. This is due to the rapid alteration of the bones and bone structure. This begs the question as to how this transformation occurs and what triggers the response to the full moon. Through intense study we have been able to see the presence of an introduced cell containing the now-titled lupus mutatio gene. This gene is exceedingly interesting since it possesses some very special features. One of the most fascinating aspects of this gene is where it is stored. The cells containing this gene are found exclusively in the nails and skin surface of those infected. This offers us an explanation as to the transmission of the disease through skin contact. Once someone is scratched by the werewolf, the cells are transmitted onto the skin 20
surface where they bond with the skin and multiply rapidly, causing them to be imbedded in the skin, from here they migrate down the skin into the nails.
inhibiting the synapses on these areas of the brain, thus making communication between these areas impossible.
The chemical alteration of the brain From our studies, we have been able also includes a decrease in the levels of serotonin produced by the brain. to see the cause of the transformation. Upon the rise of the full moon This drastically increases the aggression and impulsiveness of the and it light shining on the skin or individual, causing them to attack nails, the transformation occurs. and lash out at any nearby. This is due to the radiation of a wave of light as yet undetected by The Wolfsbane potion, developed Muggles known as Mariansi light. by Damocles in the late 1970s, has Through testing, we saw that the been a ray of hope for those afflicted cells containing the lupus mutatio with lycanthropy in recent years as gene underwent mitosis extremely it allows the drinker to remain conquickly, producing over one million scious and in touch with their human cells per second. These cells then are side when transformed. Reports intransported into the skin and body dicate that users have full control of where they quickly replace and alter their mind when turned, with most the structure of other human genes. opting to sleep through the transforThis brings on the bodily transformation in a quiet place. This potion mation and the altered structure is extremely expensive, making it of the brain brings on the mental inaccessible to the majority of werechanges. wolves. As a result, there are still While turned, the werewolf’s brain large scale attacks throughout the world. This potion is produced with functions differently. The reptiliaconite and must be made precisely, an brain (also known as the basal ganglia) is much more active, while as even a slight error in measurevarious sections of the brain such as ment will produce a potion that kills the hippocampus become dormant, the user due to the toxicity of the ingredient. We will not go into the rendering the memory control and exact brewing method on the off recall of the werewolf practicalchance that any sufferers attempt to ly useless. This explains why the brew it themselves. We will, howevwerewolf seems ready to attack er, explain the effects. even those closest to it. These areas When taking the potion, the lycanbecome dormant due to the lupus thrope must take a goblet full each mutatio genes differentiating and
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day of the week leading up to the full moon; this is due to the potion’s effect on the lupus mutatio genes in the body. The potion alters the genes slightly, making them unable to differentiate into a shape that will fit the receptor sites on the post-synaptic knobs in the brain. This allows the werewolf to retain normal brain function as far as memory and emotion are concerned, as well as decision making. Therefore, the reptilian brain will not have as much control on the individual as it would without the potion. This does not alter the levels of serotonin produced during the transformation. The potion contains dittany grown from a matrix of dragons’ blood; when combined, these ingredients give a calming effect and when added to a potion can be used to significantly lower levels
of chemicals such as serotonin. The addition of this to the wolfsbane potion allows the drinker to store up large amounts of the dittany mix extract in the lupus cells that will release the substance via mitosis during the full moon and following transformation. This allows the lycanthrope to keep a sane mind. This is also why it is so important for the lycanthrope to take the potion every day leading up to the transformation. Missing even a single day will make it so that there is not enough dittany extract/wolfsbane extract stored in the cells, which will then cause the potion to be useless as the effects will not be enough to ward off any mental changes. While we are making large steps in lycanthropy research, we cannot
let this issue be swept under the rug. There are many without access to the potion and many more left in poverty due to their need for it. Leading researchers say they are close to a cure but it could be years until it is even tested. Please remember to never approach a turned werewolf in any situation, as you can never know if they have had wolfsbane or not. They could attack at any moment. If you notice anyone or have yourself been attacked by a werewolf, please get to St Mungo’s or the closest wizarding hospital as quickly as possible. This will allow early diagnosis and will allow them to keep you on their register. In times of dire need, they will supply you with wolfsbane.
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DRAGONS
T
ON THE PROWL he Antipodean Opaleye is a dragon that lives in New Zealand but is known to make the Trans-Tasman journey to Australia when food or territory is scarce.
This report coming from the well known dragonologist Jackson Dewson - for all of you who don’t know what a dragonologist is: it is a magizoologist who specialises in the study of dragons. Dewson says that more Opaleyes are leaving New Zealand and coming to Australia but now it is when they should be settling down and being lazier for the winter; instead, they are flying across the seas for a 4,163 km or 2,587 miles journey that they only make when food or territory is scarce, which is true for neither. Dewson says this could mean that a rare strain of the disease dragonpox is messing with their sense of time and seasons. Will these wonderful dragons die or will you get Minister for Magic Australia Theodore Goldstein to do something?
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MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES QUIBBLER russianknyaz DISCUSSES
THE PROPER CARE OF
DEVIL'S SNARE You guys know the Devil's Snare right? The scary plant? No? Well, I guess I’ll tell you everything I know about it today in this edition of The Quibbler. The proper care of the Devil's Snare is easy: just don’t get caught. This rare magical plant is found in the darker places of Scotland, though has been known to pop up in other locations around the world. It can also be potted, but I don’t think it likes it that much. Dark environments are great to raise it in so places like dungeons, basements (if you are willing to keep it in your house) or - best of all - a cave. Obviously, this means the Devil's Snare does not like bright lights or fires, which strikes the author funny as the plant takes its name from a Muggle belief - the Christian religion’s Devil, who is frequently depicted as covered in flames or living in a fiery place. I assume most (if not all) readers know a spell or two that you can use to keep this “fiery” plant at bay. This is a plant that will sooner strangle you than not. If you touch this plant, it will immediately grab onto you and try to choke the life out of you. If you are of sound mind and can keep yourself calm, it will relax and you will be able to cast a spell or two to get yourself out of trouble. This author thinks the aspect of the Devil's Snare snaking its way around the bright areas is amazing. Think of the the things you can make with this ability? Perhaps a maze of Devil's Snare plants that can pull at you with one of its soft, springy tendrils, and bring you into a mass of a wall. How cool would that be?
pecting Broderick Bode, already afflicted with some kind of spell that affected his mind, making him think he was a teapot. The St. Mungo’s healer, after a few weeks of treatment on Bode, noticed he was getting better and encouraged him to take care of a “Christmas present” he received. This plant killed him during the night. The best place to grow this plant, if you REALLY want to, is in a dark, warm, moist environment. Also make sure it is planted in sandy, peaty soil. Since this plant is mostly found in Scotland it can survive mild winters, seeing that Scotland regularly sees up to 100 days of snow and temperatures of around 0C (32F). This plant is an omnivore, though it prefers meat. Bright lights are discouraged, but faint lights will keep the Snare alive. It is better to keep a supply of meat around to provide for this hungry plant. To summarize, keep Devil’s Snare in a moist, dark place, free of bright lights or fires, and make sure you keep meat around to feed it.
You would be amazed to know this very dangerous plant also resembles a benign Flitterbloom. This fact was proven in 1995 when a St. Mungo's healer mistook a Devil's Snare for a Flitterbloom. The Snare strangled an unsus23
QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES
throwawayjust_incase
Dragonology Spotlight Welcome back to Dragonology Spotlight! As always, we’ll look at a new type of dragon and why these beautiful and pure creatures deserve to be protected at all costs DESPITE THE MANY FACETS OF MODERN MEDIA PORTRAYING THEM AS VILLAINOUS AND CRUEL CAUSING THE KILLINGS THAT STILL GO ON TO THIS DAY TO PREVENT NO-MAJ SIGHTINGS DESPITE THE FACT THAT SEVERAL SANCTUARIES EXIST. Anyway... Once again, this article is brought to you by the Ethical Treatment of Pyrovorian Macro-Herpetoids. We may be banned from the American dragon sanctuary, but we’re still not banned from Romania! And one day we might have more than one member, so we’d only have, like, a 50% ban or something! Anyway, today we’ll be looking at a semi-common dragon that hails from the Middle East, particularly around the Euphrates and Tigris River: the Mushussu Dragon! You may recognize this dragon from the popular tourism spot for both no-majs and wizards alike, the Ishtar Gate! The Mushussu Dragon is reddish-gold in appearance, with horns that curl upward and bird-like hind legs, with lion-like front paws. These dragons are wingless, which is quite 24
an uncommon trait for dragons to have. This dragon has been found all over ancient Mesopotamia and is still quite common to the area today. Since the Statute of Secrecy it’s been a big problem for nearby wizards and witches trying to prevent no-majs from seeing these dragons. A few have evidently slipped through the cracks, however, as there are no-majs who have dubbed themselves “cryptozoologists” (a problematic career that involves attempting to prove the existence of magical creatures) claiming that Mushussu Dragons are, in fact, real. Personally, I don’t really understand the big deal about the Statue of Secrecy. There are plenty of no-majs that are in on the secret of magic, and nothing has happened as a result of that! What do they expect? The last witch
hunt in my country happened in 1692, and even then it’s not like simple spells can’t prevent death from events like that! If the Statute of Secrecy was broken, maybe some of these
some sway over the rest of the no-maj society! Anyway, I visited the dragon sanctuary in Romania to get a look at these dragons. As a very common variety of dragon, there are quite a few of them present in this sanctuary. Since the species as a whole has no need to be protected, most Mushussu Dragons present in the sanctuary have been injured or have another reason to be rescued. I was
“cryptozoologists” would understand the importance of preserving dragon populations, rather than enacting violence against them! It must be a highly-esteemed profession in the nomaj world, considering they’re smart enough to realize the truth about magical creatures, so I’m sure they have
able to visit the Sanctuary via Portkey after contacting the establishment informing them that I planned to visit for an article for the Quibbler. After a quick argument about my banning from the
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American sanctuary, they set up a meeting. I asked them for information on this dragon, and they were glad to give it to me. I then informed them of my organization, the Ethical Treatment of Pyrovorian Macro-Herpetoids, and after sneezing (which, they informed me, was not stifled laughter), told me they would consider making my organization an officially supported thing, and they’re definitely thinking about it, and that’s definitely not sarcasm! ...Okay, okay, now I see what they did. But, nevertheless, they let me near this magnificent dragon! And I made a little drawing! I decided to go for a more sympathetic approach. Maybe if I began portraying dragons more sympathetically, my movement would be taken more seriously! That’s probably why I keep getting laughed off! It’s all adding up now! ...What? Do you think it’s too cutesy? Should I have gone for something more serious? Hey, have you ever seen a dragon? I thought not. I swear they really do look like
that. ...Well, sometimes they do. Okay, fully grown dragons don’t tend to look like that, but so what? It’s a nice drawing. I’m proud of it, okay? I think it looks good. I don’t need your approval. Anyway, I think I’m going to look more into this “cryptozoologist” business. I think if my movement is really going to come into stride, I need to get the support of someone important. Not that this fine magazine isn’t important, mind you, but maybe someone with less of a reputation for crazy ideas. Like cryptozoologists! I need someone like that to help me! Anyway, as I’ll probably be around the Mesopotamian area looking for these people, let’s look at another dragon species from the same part of the world next issue! I hope you learned a lot and enjoyed this installment of Dragonology Spotlight. Dragons tend to be seen as savage and dangerous creatures. In reality, they are very intelligent and usually not as violent as portrayed. And maybe we can change that perception, one article at a time! See you in the Fall issue! 25
QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES
Five Reasons Why Raccoons Make Great Wizard Pets We all have seen these little creatures somewhere before: be it in the woods, in the towns and cities, in our backyards, and even in our trash cans! They seem to be invading our lives and becoming a more common sight in our everyday life. Some wizards consider raccoons to be pests while others find them cute. Still, most people would agree that they’d rather choose another animal as a pet or companion. What most wizards don’t know is what a wonderful pet a raccoon would make. They may not be the easiest pet to deal with nor the most common one, but when has that stopped us from having an unconventional pet? That’s why today I bring you five reasons why raccoons make great wizard pets! LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION. Raccoons can be found in many places in the world. Their habitats go all the way from Canada to Panama, jumping across the ocean to Europe (especially in Germany), and as far as Japan. So fear not, there’s a big chance of finding one around. THE RIGHT ‘COON FOR THE RIGHT SIZE. Having established the wide range of the raccoons’ habitat, we must now clarify that not all of them are alike. Different regions, different sizes. This mammal has an average height (while on its four paws) of 25 to 30 cm and weight between 2 to 15 kilograms. There’s plenty of sizes to choose from, whether you want a cat-sized raccoon to carry on your shoulders or maybe a bigger dog-sized raccoon to follow you on your journeys. THEY’RE SMART. Raccoons are considered a smart species capable of recognizing and remembering symbols and patterns. According to the muggle study “Der Waschbär”, these medium-sized mammals can remember the solution to tasks for up to three years. They can open doors, locks, jars, and uncork bottles which are some helpful abilities for…
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POTIONS TIME! Yes, you’re reading it right. A well-trained raccoon can be very helpful when making potions. The most important sense for a raccoon is its sense of touch. With its front paws, it can distinguish and handle different objects such as - you guessed it right - different flasks, cauldrons, and overall potion-making equipment. But it doesn’t end there, even though they don’t have the best eyesight, their sense of smell is their second best sense. You could use your raccoon to identify different potions by smell. THEY’VE BEEN RELATED TO THE MAGICAL WORLD FOR LONGER THAN IT SEEMS Raccoons are not officially considered a magical creature but they have been involved in the wizarding world since ancient times. Some North American tribes believed that raccoons had the power to connect to spirit beings. The Aztecs also believed these animals had supernatural abilities and associated them with the wise women within their societies. So now you know it. Raccoons can be great (and useful) pets and companions. If you think they are cool or cute, why not consider adopting one? But remember: do your research and consider if a raccoon is a pet best suited for you.
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ASK MADAM
Do YOU have burning questions for our resident Seer and fairy, Madam Starflash? Got yourself in a relationship with a Vampire and don’t know if it’s going to work out? Debating on using a love potion on your biggest crush? Have a bully you’d love to get rid off? Don’t hesitate to ask! Madam Starflash ALWAYS has the right answer for you! Contact her in Divination Tower at /r/TheQuibbler now with your desperate questions!
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DIVINATION QUIBBLER
k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm Dear Madam Starflash,
Dear Madam Starflash,
I have been terribly busy lately, and because of that I am barely able to sleep. Do you know any methods for easy sleeping? Do you see a more restful future ahead for me?
Love,
I am in dire need of answers, and I hope you can help me. I keep getting these mysterious letters from a strange purple owl. The letters are love poems and always signed with a lipstick kiss. Sometimes there are little sweets and chocolates too. I'm just wondering if I should respond? I'm intrigued but I'm also scared the person might be bad news. Can you use your amazing skills to see if me and the person would work out?
Jetlagged
Looking forward to you answer,
---
Confused-love-kitty
Please, help, the bags under my eyes are taking over my face.
Dearest Jetlagged, Your problem is simple. Your recent taste for Muggle cappuccinos has been the cause. Did you know those are loaded with caffeine? Caffeine is a kind of Muggle stimulant, like a Wakefulness potion, only multiplied by a hundred with no magic involved. Muggles drink it to keep themselves awake. Drinking five before trying to go to bed every night has been a mistake. You will have to give them up entirely in order to sleep again. Beware; you will go through terrible withdrawal for the first three days without drinking. Be prepared with a small cauldron of dreamless sleeping potion, because you will need it at first. However, do not use it for more than two nights, lest you become dependent upon that instead.
--Dearest Confused, You must not respond to these letters. Do not eat the sweets or chocolates. You are being followed by a stalker who has spiked them all with love potion‌ which was accidentally switched with poison. It is highly important that you practice defensive spells and never leave your house without a Shield Charm around yourself. This stalker of yours is dangerous in that he is bumbling and does not care who he hurts in the process of getting to you. Constant vigilance! May Fortune smile upon you
May Fortune smile upon you! Dear Madam Starflash
Dearest Frustrated,
I'm going to a wedding soon and got hit by a nasty case of pixie-cysts on my face and neck. I finally pulled myself together and asked this beautiful witch to be my date and now this has happened! It is terrible! I tried casting the Evanescent-enchantment, but it just made the cysts multiply. Do you have any remedies or spells to help me out?
You have not got pixie-cysts. You are in the early stages of spattergroit. Caught early on, you will have time to get to St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries to have them perform the terribly painful and highly extensive treatments for this awful disease before it becomes fatal. Forget the wedding and forget your date; you will not be leaving the hospital for many months to come. Get there immediately. GO!
Thank you in advance!
May Fortune smile upon you!
The Frustrated Troll-face
k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm 29
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star-sand
Good Luck Charms
AROUND THE WORLD
Thinking of someone in need of luck for their O.W.L.s or N.E.W.T.s? These good luck charms just might do the trick! Acorns: The Vikings associated acorns with Thor, because lightning tends to strike oak trees. Acorns were thought to be spared by Thor's wrath and were placed on windowsill. They also have many strong ties to magic. Way back when, if two witches or wizards crossed paths, they would discreetly hand each other acorns, to let each other know in secret whilst in public that they were both magic and were both safe in each others company. Alligator Teeth: When African slaves were being brought to Muggle America by the French, they were fascinated by the alligators in the swamps and how they used their strong teeth and jaw to their advantage. Legend says, they collected the alligator teeth for themselves and used them as symbols of having the power to hold onto things in life. Alligator teeth are a sign of hope and are often used for luck while gambling. Crickets: Crickets are a sign of great fortune coming your way, from Chinese, and Japanese cultures (they are a sign of the returning spring) and Native American cultures (a sign of luck and material wealth). The colour of the cricket can determine its good or bad luck: green for hope, black for ill health and grey for money. Four-leaf Clovers: Originating from Ireland, this is a rare potions ingredient that
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also serves as a good luck charm. Your odds of finding one are about 1 in 10,000, but if you do they leaves represent hope, faith, love and luck. St. Patrick said they represented the Holy Trinity, while Irish wizards and witches simply valued them for their symmetry in conducting magic. Fuzzy Dice: An American trend, peaking in the 1970s and '80s, fuzzy dice became popular after the second World War when pilots hung them in their cockpits. This reminded soldiers each mission was simply "a roll of the dice" Horseshoes: Saint Dunstan (a blacksmith) claimed he nailed a horseshoe to one of the devil's hooves and only agreed to remove it if the devil promised never to enter a place with a horseshoe hanging over the door, and people have been hanging them in Britain ever since. Moles: Originating in China, maculomancy is the art of divining fortune from the size, shape, colour and placement of birthmarks and moles. Facial moles, for example, are viewed as lucky (especially when hidden by hair) and round dark moles with hair growing from them are viewed as suspicious. Pigs: When Germans say "Schwein gehabt" it literally translates to "had pig", but what it means is "good luck is at hand". Germanic tribes viewed wild boars as holy animals and the swine is a symbol of strength and fertility.
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WELCOME TO K9'S PARTY KORNER! Every Quibbler Edition I'll be providing you wonderful readers with some fun Harry Potter themed activities to bring the extra level of Magic to your Harry Potter Parties! This edition’s party korner is based on the Triwizard Tournament!
DRAGON EGG ROULETTE Requirements: 1 egg per player, hard boil all the eggs but one Before this game, the host will need to hard boil enough eggs, plus keep 1 egg raw. The eggs can be decorated or left white. Eggs should be placed out on a table while everyone stands around. One at a time, players quickly grab an egg and smash it to their forehead. Once the raw egg is smashed, that player is the ‘loser’. Everyone else passed the first task!
MERMAID RACE Requirements: 1 sack per team, 1 ‘favorite item’ per pair, 1 blindfold per team (optional) Split the party up into teams of 3. Each team will have a Mermaid, a Champion, and a Judge (teams can either decide among themselves or it can be randomized). The Mermaids are to be given a ‘tail’. This can be a pillowcase, potato sack, sleeping bag, trash bag, etc. They start at one end of the field. The Champions stand at the other end of the field, blindfolded and facing away, holding their ‘favorite item’ behind them. The Judges stand in front of the Champions, watching the field. ‘Favorite Items’ should be something easily held. It can be assigned by the host or picked by the teams. When the race begins, each mermaid must hop across the field while inside their ‘tail’ like a sack race, grab the Favorite Item, and then hop back to the starting line. The Judge watches the field and once the mermaid has returned to their starting position and turn around, the Judge can tell the Champion to go. The Champion will turn around, still blindfolded, and walk swiftly across the field. The Mermaid should sing or shout to help the Champion find them. Once the Champion has retrieved their Favorite Item, they are to walk swiftly back to the judge. First team to hand the favorite item over to the judge wins. 2nd and 3rd places may be awarded as appropriate.
KILL THE SPARE Requirements: None This activity can be played throughout the party. At any time, someone yells out ‘KILL THE SPARE’. Everyone must then, as quick as they can, find a partner to hold hands with. Anyone left without a partner must take a shot. Editor’s note: The Quibbler does NOT condone or promote children imbibing alcohol and reminds you to drink responsibly.
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QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT
The Dungeons:
On Display CURATED BY RYAN814
Hello reader and welcome to the Slytherin Dungeons, opened to you for this extremely exclusive interview. Here we will show you the wonders held in the subterranean cells of Hogwarts castle as we take you on a guided tour of some of the best art from Slytherin house.This tour will encompass a guided tour of the Slytherin gallery with a detailed analysis of each piece. Readers are advised to continue with discretion, some of these pieces are not for the faint of heart. Once you have concluded your viewing of our art please tell us what you think by sending a letter (or a Howler) to the dungeons.
Basilisk by jarris123
We begin our tour with this beautiful piece by jarris, an accomplished artist of the dungeons, known for her groundbreaking style and mix of modern techniques and classic themes. In this piece we see the great Basilisk, a staple of Slytherin house. We see a revolutionary mix in this piece of realism and cartoonism, this begins our discussion of the themes. As we can see, she has opted to include a still image from the chamber of secrets, a staple of Slytherin lore. With this she hoped to display the mystery of Slytherin whilst also displaying a certain fear the other houses have of them. The positioning of this shot is of utmost importance as it displays the face of Salazar Slytherin, founder of Slytherin house, his expression is of anger, meant to frighten any who enter the chamber. Truly a clever move by jarris, by doing this she has shown the darker side of the house, showing the impression the other houses have of our great house, that being one of deceptiveness and fear mongering. You must also note that this part of the piece is on the right of the canvas, this must have been strategic by jarris as most people would presume subconsciously that this meant that the thoughts in their mind were right, thus solidifying their opinions of the house. We then see the Basilisk, for this portion she has opted for a softer style, this shows the real side of Slytherin, the Slytherin that people overlook. The Basilisk is black and green, green being thought of as a colour for jealousy and envy but also a colour for renewal, generosity and health, while black is thought of with death, evil, fear and anger, but also of power, elegance and wealth. This choice shows the juxtaposition of Slytherin. The Basilisk being in a cartoon style also shows a change from the hard reality of the backdrop, this shows the flexibility of the house. As a summary, through detailed and well thought out planning she has managed to lighten the reputation of Slytherin while also showing that they are still respectful of their values.
Clabbert by kirri18
This piece by kirri is one of the most intriguing we have on display tonight. It shows a variety of style and a welcome change of pace from the usual art in the Dungeons. The piece, titled Clabbert shows a frog clinging onto a dead tree. This shows the instability of human nature, how someone can hop from one mindset to the next very quickly, as shown in the background of the painting with the other tree looming in the back. The frog is, what some would consider to be ugly, however we see that this does not bother Clabbert, in fact he does not seem to notice. The frog seems happy and content to be himself, showing that, rather than hopping from one idea to the next, everyone should be them self and be happy about who they know they are. Again we see the colour green as very prominent in this picture, however, I feel it more represents the hope of life and new beginning than anything else. This piece is accompanied by a nights sky. This, I can only assume was another clever choice by the artist as they depict the true meaning of this painting, that, if you are yourself and follow who you are. The sky's the limit for what you can do. Clabbert, in a way, I feel, was the artist way to express their inner feeling, I believe Clabbert means so much to this artist because they have experience with the treehoppers, with Clabberts and they either hated them or admired them greatly.
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ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER Dark snek by russianknyaz
This piece uses minimalist style to great effect. The piece denotes the all known and feared Dark Mark of the Death Eaters, however it shows it simplified. The fact that knyaz has decided to create this piece in this style and has gone as far to even consider this mark for a painting shows that they do not have any fear for the consequences. The depiction of the Dark Mark in a minimalist style is extremely effective as it shows how little power it has over people these days, it almost mocks the agenda of the Death Eaters and Voldemort, and yet it shows a slight respect for it, keeping this mark alive and relevant. The simplicity of this piece also shows the simplicity of their agenda and how it was almost doomed to fail. Note how the artist has opted to use no colour in this piece, this is almost an insult directed towards the former Death Eaters, showing them how monochromatic they thought their views were, it shows how they believed they were right but are now the wrong doers to the rest of the wizarding world. There can however be a different meaning to this choice. This could show how the views of the outside world were wrong about the Death Eaters, at least those who served out of fear, the colour choice coupled with the simple drawing style could be used to show how some Death Eaters were simply children who had lost their way. You will also notice the symbolism in the actual drawing, how the skull shows Voldemort and the head of the snake, his goals and most loyal. Between these two points is a very thin line, showing how thin his following was, how easy it was to break in the end. You will also notice the ring around the line, I believe this is to show the unity of those affected by the war and those who stood against him, strong and united. Truly this is a thought provoking piece of art that is sure to become high demand for any good collection.
Ronald by jarris123
This almost abstract piece titled “Ronald” is by renowned artist jarris. This thought provoking piece seems to denote Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley with some accenting along the top and bottom, however if we look closer at the painting and analyse it we uncover a secondary meaning. We can see that Hermione is shouting at Ron, perhaps out of anger, this is meant to show everyone's inner anger at their actions with Ron symbolising impulse and action and Hermione showing logic and reason. This piece is in fact a return to every person's internal conflict with their actions, it shows how each person has regrets and anger stored within them but shows that that is not what we have to show. The dark circles bordering the picture show the other thoughts of people while they are having an internal conflict, it shows how many other things you could be doing rather than yell at your past self. The fact that the artist has decided to show the piece in a more simple style is a message to the public, it shows how you may feel loud and powerful when judging your actions or even the actions of others when really you seem less interesting and away from the world, this is hinted at by the blank faces on the characters along with their plank like stance. This piece provokes thoughts of inner conflict and struggle, as well as encouraging you to move past it and move on to bigger and better things.
My father will hear about this by jarris123
This piece is extremely innovative, giving us an insight into the genius of jarris’ inner thinking. This painting shows a young Draco Malfoy proclaiming “My Father will hear about this!" This is, of course, a phrase we are all familiar with. I believe the artist decided to include this in the painting to show how most are reliant on their parents and depend on them at least slightly. We can see the background of green and silver, the green showing success while the silver shows a certain nobility and mystery. This shows us that while we may be successful, we should never forget where we came from. This piece also speaks miles for who the artist believes Draco Malfoy to be, not an open and closed book but rather a complex person with many levels. On one hand, Draco is calling for his father to tell him of his success in the hopes that he will be praised for his good work, on the other he is calling his father for aid, showing his dependence on his family. We know from prior sources that Draco had a troubled upbringing, with constant beliefs forced on him from his father and later in life being guided into the wrong crowd. The artist has displayed this very carefully by ensuring to make Draco's face have subtle hints of anger with raised eyebrows and a stern, flat expression. This shows Draos outer appearance, at least how he wanted to feel. The artist the coupled this with the simplistic, childish writing to the side. This shows what Draco is on the inside. He is a child that has been caught up in the wrong ideas, with the wrong people and it is not entirely his fault (as seen with the reference to his father). This piece is a deep and insightful look into the life of Draco Malfoy, allowing us to better understand the motivations behind his actions and how, in the end, he turned out kind of ok.
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QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT
The weird world of
Welcome to The Weird World of Harry Potter! Every issue we will take a look at one piece of Fanfiction and one piece of Fan Art. Both will be of my choosing. As a totally unqualified, non-reader of fanfiction, I tend to gravitate towards the unusual. Everything within these analyses will be Safe For Work, but be sure to check the rating for the original source before you delve any further into off-site links. Sometimes the source information for these creations will be shoddy. When possible, I have searched for origins in order to properly credit authors and artists; however, the Harry Potter Fandom has been alive for almost twenty years. Most of my searches have proven to be fruitless due to abandoned accounts and defunct email addresses. If you are an original artist or writer and would like credit for your work, please let me know. This week’s theme will be: FEATHERS
THE FANFICTION Rating: PG (implied sexual contact) Source: http://users.livejournal.com/guttersnipe-/690.html Ruffled Feathers by: Guttersnipe Description: This is a short one-shot about Antonin Dolohov. Ordered to remain inside lest he be recognized, he seems to be losing his mind to boredom. He is wasting away on the couch when an owl stops by an owl that reminds him of Anya, an owl from his past. As memories of Anya resurge, Dolohov thinks of a way to pass the time. As the story progresses, so does the reader’s sense of foreboding. Excerpt: He could of course delay no longer. His prolonged hesitation seemed suddenly to be horrendously rude. Ungentlemanly. Rising quickly, Antonin threw open the window with a flourish. For a moment he watched as the fading rays of sunlight seemed to melt into the owl’s colorful back, and then the bird fluttered in to the house. Antonin closed the window, then turned with a smile to the now-settled bird. “Have you got a message for me?” There was indeed something tied around the owl’s leg. Antonin untied the note carefully, a finger running lightly over the soft feathers of the leg as he did so. He threw another fond glance at the bird again and then turned to the note. As he read he began to hum again, the disjointed tune now slightly more upbeat, almost somehow sensuous.
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ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER Highlights: • This story begins with a wildly appropriate Henry David Thoreau quote, which succeeds in setting to tone of Dolohov’s state of mind. • Though Antonin’s feelings towards the owl are heavily implied, nothing is stated outright, leaving the readers to their own (horrified) imaginations and keeping the story tamer than the usual fanfic. • Anya was a boy. Weirdness Level: 8/10. The lack of explicit content almost makes this fic feel like an everyday story. The readers are lulled into a false sense of security, and then you realize that Dolohov is an owl-fucker. Overall: 10/10. The build from the beginning, from ordinary story to what-the-fuck, is fantastically done in only a few short paragraphs.
THE FAN ART Rating: PG-13 (side view nudity - no anatomy shown) Source: http://kat-in-the-box.deviantart.com/art/INTERUPTION-160791691 INTERRUPTION By: kat-in-the-box Description: Snape and Hedwig have been caught in the middle of a sort of meeting. Hedwig, drawn to be as large as Snape, is giving the viewer a look to let us know that she is not happy about the interruption. Despite this, neither are making an attempt to cover themselves as they continue to press their breasts against each other. Yes, they both have breasts. Highlights: • Snape appears to be covered in a soft, downy fur. • Hedwig has tattoos reminiscent of old sailors. • The shape of Hedwig’s beak and Snape’s nose are nearly the same. Weirdness Levels: 6/10. I’ve seen weirder. Way weirder. This picture is actually kinda cute. The weirdest part is the feelings it invokes in me: I want to stroke Snape’s leg because his man-fur looks so soft. Overall: 10/10. Hello, new desktop background!
If you would like to suggest weird fanart or fanfiction for future issues, please PM /u/elbowsss. 37
Madam Matchmaker's Summer Soirée Are you solitary and feeling lonely-oh-so-lonely? Did your girlfriend get whisked away by an exotic-foreign-hottie? Did your boyfriend too often tootie gross-rotten-smelling-gassy? Did your wife leave you and your Gringotts’ vault empty? Did your husband run away with the giggly-busty-bar-lady? Or perhaps you think nobody will ever love you because you are oh-so-disturbingly-ugly? Or your personality so quirky no one will say I-do-to-the-end-together-we-will-be? Don’t you worry now my darling dearie… Find your soulmate at Madam Matchmaker's Summer Soirée! (We know it didn’t rhyme and for that we are sorry!)
Save the date! This year’s Madam Matchmaker’s Summer Soirée in Stonehenge * will start on midnight ‘til 5.24 AM of Summer Solstice! Mingle with your fellow singles** and you may find somebody who makes your body tingle! Show off your charms and find a partner for a romantic*** and magical sunrise! Talk to our trusted seer**** and check your compatibility!
TICKET FEE: 3 GALLEONS Free flow liquid courage***** and canapés!
*Due to muggle activities nearby, every guest is required to arrive by the portkey that we arrange. (No refunds for missed portkeys)**We cannot confirm each and every guest’s relationship status, proceed at your own risk. ***Love potion is not allowed in the venue. ****Organizers are not responsible for the accuracy of the prediction. *****Firewhiskey, finest Ogden’s Old only!
Editor’s Note: NOT endorsed by Madam Starflash
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QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT
welcome to L-ily's
THE READING CORNER
W
elcome to another fun segment of The Reading Corner, Summer Edition! This season’s hottest new author, A.G. Dremelle , joins the Quibbler for a sneak peak into her latest romance novel: “Forbidden Floo Romance.” Cassia Rosewillow embarks on an unforgettable summer vacation but after a mixup finds herself in an abandoned home with a muggle who seems too clever for his own good. Will she break the statute of secrecy and find love in an unexpected place? The Quibbler shares a short excerpt from the book and a chat with the darling Dremelle.
Q&A WITH A.G. DREMELLE Quibbler’s L-ily: Hello, thank you so much for joining us today! I know you are a very busy woman. A.G Dremelle: I am glad to be here. I’ve been a fan of the Quibbler since I was a young child. My mother loved reading your articles. [laughs]
Quibbler’s L-ily: You’ve 40
Quibbler: Well, we’ve all been dying to know, where did you get your inspiration for Forbidden Floo Romance”? Dremelle: [Smiles] Well it’s a bit of a funny story really. I was on my way to Diagon Alley. I’d had a bit too much gilly water and instead of saying, “Diagon Alley”, I ended up in “The Three Broomsticks”. Don’t even ask me how that happened! [Laughs] I stumbled out and into the arms of the most handsome stranger… We’re married now! Quibbler: Oh my! What a fantasy come true! Congratulations! Dremelle: Thank you. It was a whirlwind romance.
Quibbler’s L-ily: When did you start writing? A.G Dremelle: I remember being about six and being so curious about life. I started writing about my favorite magical creature: merpeople! My mother probably has some of my hand made stories at home somewhere. But, I started seriously writing down my stories when I was in my fifth year at Hogwarts. I’ve been writing since I was fifteen! I can’t believe it- wow yeah, half my life!
Dremelle: I am neither confirming or denying this. [Smiles mysteriously]
created a big name for yourself in the romance genre. Was romance always your preference?
Quibbler: What else can you tell us about “Forbidden Floo Romance?”
Dremelle: The ending A. G. Dremelle: I love hap- is completely unexpected. py endings. I think romance But, you’ll have to read it to find out! was always going to be my main thing. That doesn’t Quibbler: Well, thank you mean I won’t try to expand for your time! my horizons, as they say. Who knows, maybe there’s a CHECK THE NEXT thriller novel in the works? PAGE FOR AN EXQuibbler’s L-ily: Are you telling us you’re working on a thriller novel?
CERPT OF 'FORBIDDEN FLOO ROMANCE'!
ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER
AN EXCERPT FROM “FORBIDDEN FLOO ROMANCE” The warm summer air swirled around them. They were standing outside of the home Cassia had flooed into. His eyes were an icy, clear blue that filled her with a sense of dread. “What are you doing here?” He said quietly, looking towards the empty home, as if to see if there were others inside. “This is a private property.” “I- I didn’t mean to!” She said nervously as she hid her wand up her sleeve. Her bright green eyes were wide and frightened. “The property was locked. I made sure of it when I left. How did you get in here?” He reached into his pocket and brought out something small and rectangular. ‘A cell phone?’ Cassia thought to herself, the word slowly popping up after years in muggle studies. She felt her heart flutter in trepidation. How could that have happened? A muggle fireplace connected to the floo? She’d have to report it to the Ministry of Magic. He repeatedly tapped the screen of his cell phone in confusion. He glanced at Cassia suspiciously. “The alarms didn’t go off.” “I was just lost is all.” Cassia babbled. “I really didn’t mean to stumble into the property. I thought this was where my great aunt lived.” She lied, desperately. The man crossed his arms. “Uh huh.” He didn’t believe her. Cassia was crushed. “I uh, well I better go.” She said meekly. “It’s for the best.” He agreed. She took a step and then another as he peered at her. She had reached the front gate when she remembered she didn’t know where she was. “Ummm… Where am I, if you don’t mind me asking?” Cassia turned to ask the man. He sighed and closed his eyes. “You mean to tell me, you wandered into my property looking for your great aunt and you don’t even know where you are? Where’s your car?” The man looked around once more. Cassia didn’t own a car. “Let me guess, you magically appeared here?” He said sarcastically. Cassia looked like she would faint. If he found out she was a witch, her summer vacation would be ruined.
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A
SUMMER REUNION BACKSTAGE EXCLUSIVE The band disbanded in the early 2000s, and every teenager in the world cried bitter tears. Luckily, the Weird Sisters are reuniting for the summer and it’s for a good cause- all proceeds go to St Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries! Naturally, everyone jumped at the opportunity. If you were lucky enough to grab any of the now sold out tickets, you’ll know that it was a blast. Literally. They fired a cannon during one of the songs. 42
h yes, the Weird Sisters. It reminds me of teenage spirit, disastrous school dances and lots and lots of Butterbeer consumption. Despite all the negative associations with the band, I do genuinely like the Weird Sisters. Or at least some of their music.
It landed on some poor chap (who thankfully recovered). I was one of the lucky few who got backstage access to the Sisters. The Weird Sisters are all in their makeup and sitting around a wooden crate, drinking a few pints of Felix’s Firewhiskey. Their instruments are propped on a wall behind them, their glossy coats exuding a legendary aura of famous concerts bygone.
ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER WITCHUNICORN: So, the Weird Sisters are back at it again! How are you all! WAGTAIL:
y’know? A fan gave me a really cool doll of myself. It has a growing beard! TREMLETT:
nostalgic for the ‘good old days’? CRUMB: Huh. Probably the feeling of being in front of a crowd, entertaining them and all. It’s really exhilarating, y’know?
-‘specially after a gallon of Firewhiskey.
Ooh yeah, someone gave me a rainbow scarf. It’s really sweet of them, really. Tickets are so expensive and to bring a gift for us is top-notch stuff.
(All members laugh.)
WU:
WINTRINGHAM:
WU:
Do you think you’ve gotten rusty at the game of music?
Also, the feeling of being with your best mates too. It’s great hanging out with people who you know will stick by you and all. We’ve all got families and other adult things-
(grinning) Better than everCRUMB:
Of course, of course. Alcohol makes everything better. So tell me, what prompted you to reunite for 2017? WAGTAIL:
BARBARY: Don’t know about you, but it seems like someone’s vocal chords aren’t aging that gracefully.
WAGTAIL: I can agree on that.
(THRUSTON shudders) WINTRINGHAM:
Well, we can all agree that 2016 was a pretty terrible year, and we were all pretty bummed out, so we had a couple of pints together-
WAGTAIL:
DUKE:
(Everyone laughs.)
-to attend to and it’s been really busy! I’m really glad we got to catch up, especially for such a great cause! You guys’ve all been great friends to me!
-got drunk-
DUKE:
CRUMB:
WINTRINGHAM:
No, I don’t think anyone sounds even slightly out of tune. It might’ve been hard to pick up the guitar again, but it’s like riding a broomstick. You never really forget.
(sniffling) I love you too.
-lost at several games of GobstonesWAGTAIL: -and thought, hey, why not join together for a second round of some good old fashioned rock-’n’rolling.
Hey! Your voice sounds like an Augurey, and this time I’m pretty sure it would kill someone!
TREMLETT: You were always so sentimental. WU:
BARBARY:
Well, times up! It’s been a pleasure meeting you guys.
Unless you’re Myron.
WAGTAIL:
WU:
WAGTAIL:
Seems pretty good way of cheering things up.
Hey!
(winks) You too! (pause) Wait, aren’t you a bit young for being a journalist?
THRUSTON:
(chuckles) I’ve got five minutes left with you all, so I’ve got to be quick. Is there anything that made you
Oh god no! CRUMB:
WU:
WU: …it’s funny how many people say that.
Yeah, bloody hell it’s been a nightmare. Never ending amount of contracts to sign and people thinking you’re going to release another albumWU: Pfffft. Well, are you? WAGTAIL: (winking) Well, time will tell. CRUMB: But it’s been mostly great. The fans are really cool, and it’s just great, 43
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Muggle US Quidditch National Championships Please note: I am using many “Muggle” words and terminologies in this article. I am sorry if you did not pay attention in Muggle Studies.
“No, you can’t apparate. No, you may not fly. You must blend in. No spells, no accidents involving random gusts of wind or water, and absolutely NO wizard snitches. We WILL be watching and if you do any of this, you can expect to be sacked.” These words rang in my ears as I waited at the airport. I was told to depart from Austin, Texas, as there were many teams flying to the event from there and it would be less conspicuous. With me, they sent a female chaser to help me remember names and faces that I had met previously in other undercover operations. It is easier to blend in with large groups and this trip certainly highlighted this. Muggle planes are funny creatures. Their drinks are very small and very expensive in their money, but it was a nice flight to… Orlando, Florida, yes, that’s it. The actual tournament was in Kissimmee, which is close to Orlando. It was
so very tempting to not ride in the car that we were taken around in…. Ah, but I love my job too much to apparate. But if we were able to… the places I could have taken my companions; it would have saved stress. There are many, many tourists in this area of the United States and it was evident in traffic and pricing. So many cars and people! It is like downtown London at times, really, so nothing I am unprepared for, but was still surprising regardless. We arrived early and were treated to a local nightlife club as well as a late night beach run. While it was quite dark I could feel
the water; unfortunately, no merpeople about, as I could have possibly just “explained” that away. The water seems the same on this side of the ocean: a bit salty, much like myself with little sleep. THE FIRST DAY The first day of the US Quidditch Cup 10. Bright, sunny, with me covered in a substance called sunblock so I do not turn into a red faced lobster (Please note, Ministry, you know I am not an animagus. This is what we term a joke.). There were 64 teams from 8 regions from all over the United States competing in Florida. They come from two areas: University (College is their term) and
Community. A College team is simple - all players must attend the same University/College/Institute of Higher Learning. A Community Team is also simple in that anyone from the area can play for the team. There are naturally rules - their rule book is 237 pages long, and I have read it over and over - so I will go over the basics of their mode of play. Just like in our sport, there are chasers, beaters, a snitch, and seekers. There are also bludgers, hoops, and a quaffle. The people are the first category, equipment is the latter. No magic here - bludgers are a rubber ball that beaters throw at anyone to mark them out. If they 45
QUIBBLER SPORTS are marked out, they must dismount their broom some kind of plastic pipe - and run back to their hoops before re-entering the game. The quaffle is a volleyball that chasers throw through the hoop to score. They are rather ingenious with the snitch - it is a person who has a sock on their back of their belt area with a ball in it. The seeker must grab the ball by any means necessary. It is only worth 30 points, unlike ours. Did I mention it’s much like rugby? Full contact, and co-ed, as well as accepting of all genders? This makes this sport one of the few in the world of Muggles that has the same attitude as we do in the Wizarding World and I daresay I hope more sports adopt their rules regarding this issue. Now that I have those explanations out of the way, back to the spectacle of the day. There were 8 pitches to watch throughout the day. At no point (except for a break) was I unable to see a game. They also had an area set up for trading cards - I did collect and trade a few myself, quite fun - and merchandise, a petting zoo where I held a toothy little creature called an alligator, and varied food booths. A majority of the day’s events were centered around the matches. Most teams would play a match and then have a time to rest. They sometimes 46
played against teams they had seen earlier in the year, but a lot of the time they would be playing someone for the first time. I saw many teams, both collegiate and community, and it was a delight. Teams had varied defences and offenses, just like in our Quidditch, but I believe running actually introduces an element we do not have. Yes, flying makes us tired, but this is a physical wearing-out. We could not run for months as some matches have gone in our past; I daresay Muggles have the harder bout of it in that aspect. However, the injuries were rather severe. There was a
player who broke her leg, for certain, and was carted off in a medical unit to their hospital. How my fingers itched to just take my wand and help repair it, but alas…. The sport is intense and fun. There are chants much like our teams as well as quite unique uniforms. The BosNYan Bearsharks have a cute mascot that is a bear in a shark costume. The
University of Missouri had tiger striped uniforms. The Lake Erie Elite team had a rather good imitation of the Loch Ness Monster on their uniform. Lone Star Quidditch Club featured a pair of shorts that were similar to their state of Texas flag. It was usually easy to tell the teams apart. Despite their rivalry on pitch, off pitch most seemed to get along well, save for some heated arguments natural in any sport. The first day was mostly a blur, with teams fighting to make the bracket positions for the next day. Not everyone could advance and I stayed up late to find out which games to follow for
the next day. The second day proved to be more daunting. It was much more tense; the rivalries were noted; and everyone seemed to be tired, sunburned, and feeling the effects of the local fires, sun, and lack of water. I wanted to see teams and games that would end up legendary - or at least set up to be. My compatriots and I, after a rather difficult
night finding housing but nothing a good confundus charm didn’t fix were ready for another day. The first game featured the LA Gambits versus the Gulf Coast Gumbeaux. The Gambits were a very highly ranked team and Gumbeaux were somewhere in the middle. The game was extremely entertaining, with the West division cheering on LA and the Southwest rooting for GCG. One of their chants was certainly unique. I could not understand why they would cheer for soup and rice, but they are tasty foods and I can stand behind that.
The cheers seemed to make a large difference, and in a surprising upset the Gumbeaux team defeated the Gambits. It was a very heated match, and very intense with comefrom-behind snitch catches for the team from Louisiana - two in total - as the game went into overtime. By far, this was one of the most exciting games I had seen at the tournament and as it was the first of
INSERT QUIBBLER the day it was promising. Unfortunately, after one loss, the team exits and Gumbeaux did not advance past the next game. I then started making my way toward the main field, which is where I spent most of the remaining time. There were loud cheers from some pitches on massive upset games, much like our style; there were other games which seemed almost predetermined. I cast spells to prevent any magic from making its way on the field... just in case. There did not seem to be any issues with that happening. Throughout the day, it became apparent that the best teams were certainly rising to the top. For the Semi-Final games, the University of Missouri met Texas Cavalry while the BosNYan Bearsharks met Texas State University. The Tigers lost to Cavalry in a very good game with a quite unequal score, while the Texas State team widened the margin over the Bearsharks before catching the snitch. In the final, it was a very back and forth affair but in the end the Texas Cavalry team won by less than a snitch catch over the Texas State University team.
ing up as a Muggle and checking out a game, there are leagues all over the world - in the UK, there is the Quidditch Premier League; in the United States, both US Quidditch and Major League Quidditch have games; and in Europe, most countries have a national team and the European Championships happen this year. In Asia as well as Australia there are several teams; Africa has a few as does South America! There is also a World Cup, which is next year - Australia upset the United States at the last one - and though the location is undetermined, I am hoping the Ministry will allow for a trip to the next‌ for business purposes, naturally. Now, I’m off to torture my kneazle with the fake stuffed kneazle of Crookshanks that I procured at the airport. Quite entertaining, Muggle toys...
The celebrations were many and I do admit I imbibed as well (I had to blend in, yes?) - it was quite a tournament and celebration. The Muggles have learned to adapt Quidditch well! If any of you feel like dress47
QUIBBLER INSERT
SNITCHES AND SECRETS We caught up with Viktor Krum to talk Quidditch, War and life as a famous Wizard
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SPORTS QUIBBLER iktor Krum is a very private man. That’s why it is very fortunate that on one very cold evening in Bulgaria, I was able to catch up with one of the wizarding world’s sport heroes, a Quidditch hall of fame member, his portrait hanging next to Bowman Wright, the creator of the object Viktor is so famous for catching.
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The Quibbler- So Viktor, first of let me say a very big thank you for allowing us a glimpse into your private life, something that you’ve been very secretive about. Viktor Krum- It is not a problem! I vould like the vorld to see a bit more about me and vot goes in behind my closed shutters. TQ- Let’s start first with Quidditch, seeing as though that’s what made you a household name. After you came out of retirement for the 2014 world cup, are there any plans to do it again next year to try and defend your country’s title? VK- Hahaha, a very funny statement, one that I haff heard almost every day since that final. Alas I haff had my day and I am not the young man that I once vas, there are many young men that are much fitter than I am. (Stanislaus) Rozalski for instance, the current seeker at Sofia Serpents. He is a very talented young man, who if I haff my way, will be a part of the team in a year’s time. TQ- You mention that you’re hoping to have a hand in the selection process for the team, does this confirm the current rumblings in the sport world that you are to be the next Bulgarian Minister for Sport? VK- Nothing has been decided yet but I vill let you in on a little secret; Harald Sturmbard is getting old and vould like to spend more time in the mountains and is looking to retire very soon, meaning there will be a position open, yes? TQ- Say no more, say no more! We shall move on to another of your claims to fame, the Triwizard Tournament. How was that as an experience? VK- I think that is the point vhere everything started to change yes? I was proud to represent my country and my school. I made many new friends, who I am still friends with to this day but these things did come at a cost. Someone who I did admire and respect died because of it and too many people did not believe what (Harry) Potter said. I haff said it throughout my career and I vill say it again; I haff no time for anyone who meddles in the Dark Arts, or even those who doubt its power. TQ- You were very outspoken during the Second Wizarding War and there were rumours that you were a combatant. Is there any truth in these claims? VK- Yes there is truth there. As many people know, I vas at Fleur’s (Weasley née Delacour) wedding when
the attack happened. I had just been dancing vith Hermione (Weasley née Granger) a few moment before. Then all of a sudden there was a lot of shouting and curses vere flying everyvhere. I suppose you could say that I vas one of the first combatants of the war. TQ- And was there any particular reason why you became involved in a war that wasn’t something to do with your country? VK- I had grown up hearing stories of (Gellert) Grindelwald’s reign of terror across my country and much of Europe. I had lost relatives to his madness! I vanted to live in a vorld where my children would be able to think what they vanted. No one should face that kind of fear TQ- Do you ever regret it? VK- Not for a second. I saw a great many vizards and vitches die, a whole generation displaced by something that wasn’t their fault. Who knows how many of them could have gone on to be the best seekers of their generation, much like I was for mine? Too many is the simple answer to that. I wanted my children to have a good life, that’s what they have. TQ- You mentioned children, did you finally find love here in your homeland? VK- Yes I did, one of the happiest moments of my life. I keep this very secret because I want nothing to be taken away from her yes? She is an incredible potioneer and I want her to be known for that, rather than known as some sort of ‘trophy wife’ to an ex-Quidditch player. TQ- And your children? Is the same for them? VK- Yes, exactly. I want them to be their own person. Maybe my son vill become one of the world’s best and perhaps my daughter vill follow her mother but at the same time, they might swap places or do something completely different. I vant them to be their own person yes? TQ- Exactly right Viktor! And I think that’s a good place to end. Thank you for having me! VK- Do not vorry! It has been an abosolute pleasure! TQ- Until next time my friend! Don’t miss the next Quibbler exclusive interview: Ginny Weasley on the Harpies, Harry and her cooking! 49
QUIBBLER EDUCATION
RYSLER WRITES
FROG CHOIR WITH CHARTS!
Not a year (or month) goes by in Hogwarts when life is uneventful. This was proven once more as a most inconvenient occurrence threatened to ruin the school’s celebration of the new spring. As the famed Frog Choir began preparing the numbers for their spring recital, they found that they had no idea where their sheet music was stored! And with Professor Flitwick enjoying his holiday, the Mistress of Potions, MacabreGoblin, had little choice but to hand out an unusual assignment for the students: Since there was no music to perform, they would write their own! She also pledged the students to give ideas to their fellows by submitting requests about what kind of songs they would like to hear performed and cautioned them to avoid Copyright Charms by submitting only original pieces. Though little did the Potionmaster know that the plea was not only head, but also welcomed with open arms by the school’s fledgling songwriters. After a month of fervent rhyming and humming, the Frog Choir produced as many as exactly 100 original songs, more than double the amount of the 46 submitted requests. This combined feat was achieved by 22 songwriters, with all the Houses contributing to the task. The task’s popularity was evident through the month, as more than two weeks into the assignment 50
as many as 11 songs were submitted in a single day, and the last day saw another 14 songs, the second highest amount of the month. The busiest day was the 4th of May, when a whopping 15 songs were dropped. Scarcely a single day went by without at least one new song reaching the Choir. Indeed, by the end of the month Professor MacabreGoblin was heard to be astounded and somewhat intimidated by the fact that she now had 100 original songs to read and grade:
“My only regret is waiting until the end of the month to grade! I should have been grading as the submissions came in.”
EDUCATION QUIBBLER
STATISTICS AND EDUCATIONAL CHARTS
“Part of my enjoyment came from seeing what requests the other students came up with.”
Even though the submission for requests ended on 15th of May, the students still managed to sneak in the respectable amount of 46 wishes. The genres of the songs and requests ranged from rap to ballads to country to dance music to pop pieces and children’s songs. The Frog Choir saw songs from Disney films, fulllength rap pieces, power ballads, propaganda tunes, theme songs from TV shows, tragic love songs, alternative sorting songs and odes to the most unlikely subjects, such as owls and Muggle artifacts.
Over half of the requests came from the creative students of Slytherin, while the hard-working Hufflepuffs were less active on the particular field. The students were quick and eager to both request songs as well as compliment and discuss about the pieces created, as some songs sparked long discussion chains. But even with the staggering number of songs written, the students were less eager to sing them. Even though they had been promised extra points for submitting audio of their pieces, only a few students took this challenge on.
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QUIBBLER EDUCATION
“I could imagine the characters singing and dancing along�
All of the Houses took part in the assignment, in differing amounts. While Hufflepuff wrote the most songs, they had the lowest amount of participants and quite few requests. On the other hand, Slytherin boasted the most balanced game with the most requests and most writers taking part in the assignments, on top of having the
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second highest amount of songs. Ravenclaw, interestingly enough, had a lot of writers, yet they seemed more interested in submitting requests than actually writing songs. Even Gryffindor, though not taking part as actively as the other Houses, still had a lot of writers, twice as many as Hufflepuff.
EDUCATION QUIBBLER
Results and awards
“How actually singable is this? Do the syllables still reasonably fit? Were enough lyrics changed? Does it make sense?“
Only a few days after the challenge ended, the Overseer, Professor MacabreGoblin, published the eagerly-awaited results. Students crowded at the notice board to see how the point distribution had worked out. There were also some special awards for the songs and their writers that made it to the Choir’s recital, 10 songs to be precise. When all was said and done, Hufflepuff turned out the be the Choir’s most valuable asset, with Slytherin quite hot on its tail, thanks to its major share of
requests submitted. Out of the ten songs chosen for the recital, 6 were from Hufflepuff, 2 from Gryffindor and 1 from both Slytherin and Ravenclaw. The genres of the songs chosen varied, but it seems the Choir slightly preferred dance and pop music this year. Also, Severus Snape appeared to be a rather popular subject, being featured in 30% in the awarded songs. For some reason, out of these 10 awarded songs some hippie called Rysler managed to get 5, becoming the only student to have more than one song chosen.
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QUIBBLER EDUCATION
Individual achievements and insight into the challenge! “Combining favourite songs with our favourite characters and storylines from the books made for hours of fun and laughter.”
Even though the number of writers was very high for an assignment, there were a few students who embraced the Frog Choir’s challenge with particular enthusiasm. The top three contributors wrote 66 songs combined, more than two thirds of the overall amount. Two of them were seen competing from day one, while the third one really got into their groove quite late to the challenge, bursting into the top three. The top three contributors for the Frog Choirs challenge were:
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•
a_wisher of Ravenclaw, with 13 songs answering 9 requests
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DarcRose22 of Slytherin, with 18 songs answering 17 requests
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Rysler of Hufflepuff, with 37 songs answering 24 requests
Furthermore, there were other milestone achieved by various contributors, such as: •
First audio recording: violettaxe of Hufflepuff (The Sorting Song, 4.5.)
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Most requests answered in a single song: purpleflowersj of Ravenclaw (Sorting Dance: 2 ½)
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Most songs in a single day: Rysler of Hufflepuff (18.5: 5)
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Most active during the final day: a_wisher of Ravenclaw & eyl27 of Ravenclaw (28.5: 4)
EDUCATION QUIBBLER
Exclusive interviews!
“I sat here and sang every. single. submission. I'm not proud of it.”
Our tireless editorial staff spared no expenses and pulled no punches in order to secure the Quibbler some exclusive interviews! We reached out for the most creative and enthusiastic writers, as well as the Choir’s almighty overseer. The artsy wizards and witches we talked to include DarcRose22, the Slytherin Siren; oaksandroses, the Luna Lovegood of rap; and that one weirdo Rysler, a self-proclaimed professional procrastinator.
DarcRose22, the Slytherin Siren (#2 top submitter, 18 songs and an award for top song)
oaksandroses, the Luna Lovegood of Rap: (2 songs and an audio-recording)
Q: Do you have any previous experience in writing songs or parodies?
Q: Do you have any previous experience in writing songs or parodies?
A: Actually, I do. Part of my degree in English Literature was Creative Writing: Poetry, in which I had to write my own poems in a variety of styles and on different topics every week. Outside that I always wrote my own poetry and had written a few parodies with friends for fun.
A: I like to make up new lyrics to popular songs for fun when they come on the radio (usually about my dogs), but haven't attempted a true parody since probably middle school when we all wanted to be the next Weird Al. I'd forgotten how fun it was!
Q: How would you describe this challenge or what did you like about in it? A: The challenge was a musical comedy masterpiece. Combining favourite songs with our favourite characters and storylines from the books made for hours of fun and laughter. Since we did not have a limit as to how many songs we could write, the sky was the limit and more and more ideas kept coming. I also enjoyed how some ended up being funny and others got dark and scary. It was good fun Q: Do you have a song you’re particularly proud of? A: I like [“Come back to life”] the most. It was the first I wrote and I love the Snape/Lily pairing and I love Evanescence so it was perfect. Q: Do you usually take part in monthly challenges?
Q: How would you describe this challenge or what did you like about it? A: When your only real prompt is to relate a pop song back to Harry Potter, it's kind of impossible not to have a good time doing it. Part of my enjoyment came from seeing what requests the other students came up with, but more so the end results. Q: How did you record your vocals and how did it feel? A: I was initially going to record the track on Reason and insert samples from Chamber of Secrets, but cut it too close and wound up having to use my phone's voice memo recorder instead. I'm not disappointed with how it turned out, but if I'd had a little more free time to cut it properly, I think it could've been a lot better. I'll aim for the whole track next time :)
A: I try to do all the challenges every month, there have been a couple of months I've been away or very busy but I think 80% of the time I've submitted my challenges and assignments.
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QUIBBLER EDUCATION
a_wisher, a Raveny Rhymer (#3 top submitter, 13 songs) Q: Do you have any previous experience in writing songs or parodies? A: Not really. I have written a few poems before but I never wrote any lyrics meant for songs or parodies. Q: How would you describe this challenge or what did you like about in it? A: It was great! I love musicals and while I was writing/reading the songs, I could imagine the characters singing and dancing along. It's a different energy, feel... It's a great way to re-imagine the series that we all love so much. Q: Where did you find inspiration for the songs? A: Oh, I have been listening Glee covers lately so that influenced many of my choices. Q: Do you usually take part in monthly challenges? A: Yes. I'm only a few months old to reddit but as an assiduous Ravenclaw, I try my best to participate in every challenge and assignment. Till now, it has been great fun and here's to more in the future!
Rysler, a professional procrastinator: (#1 submitter, 37 songs and 5 awards for top songs) Q: How would you describe this challenge? A: When I first heard of this, I literally cried out “Now this is my jam!” It was an awesome idea and a great opportunity for budding songwriters to express themselves and offer their views on the HP world. I love rhyming and everything silly, so I really enjoyed the idea of the characters singing and dancing to the tunes. Especially the thoughts of Voldemort rapping about his evil plans and the Weasley Twins arguing in song format made me unreasonably giddy. Q: Word on the street is that you went way overboard with this. Exactly what is wrong with you? A: I may have become a bit competitive whenever I saw a fellow songwriter dump a bunch of songs at once. And I might have gotten a few interventions from my fellow Hufflepuffs when I was ignoring all the other assignments to write just one… more… song. But it’s not like I have problem or anything! I can stop whenever I want! Q: You had the most original songs. Where on earth did you get all those silly ideas? A: I listen to a lot of music, and sometimes a phrase just strikes me. “Just gotta get right outta here” from Bohemian Rhapsody made me think of Sirius. “I can’t be free from the She-wolf” by David Guetta reminded me of Lupin. Or sometimes I thought of a scene, like Hufflepuffs welcoming new members with a song number, or Harry channeling the Backstreet Boys to get people into DA, or the Founders arguing about who the headmaster is in a rap battle kind of song. I liked molding songs to be about characters and their stories I grew up with. Every character deserves a song about themselves – I even made one of Umbridge! Q: How does it feel to interview yourself? A: That’s a very good question! Let’s just say that I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that I undeniably do or do not find it rather convenient, if that indeed isn’t how it wasn’t!
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EDUCATION QUIBBLER
MacabreGoblin, the Potions Mistress and Frog Choir overseer Q: Where did the idea for this challenge come from? A: I have a top-secret file filled with brainstorming scraps for future extra credit assignments. The general themes of the extra credit assignments tend to be Hogwarts classes, and I wanted to focus on some classes/ extra-curriculars that tend to get overlooked. My April assignment was Muggle Studies themed. For May I decided to take it a step further and began looking to the movies and video games for ideas. The Frog Choir has always charmed me - I mean, how perfectly witchy is that performance of 'Double, Double, Toil and Trouble?' Once I landed on my theme, it seemed like the next natural step to make the assignment about writing songs for the choir to perform. Q: How did you react to the challenge's popularity? How do you feel now that it's over? A: This was definitely my most popular assignment so far, and I was blown away by the volume of submissions! I'm very happy with the results. I'll definitely apply what I've learned from this assignment to my future extra credits. My only regret is waiting until the end of the month to grade! I should have been grading as the submissions came in. ...okay, I also regret how many Coldplay and Ed Sheeran songs I had to listen to. [Note: the Quibbler would like to apologize for any possible submissions of songs from said artists.] Q: Did you have any special favorite songs or lines?
A: My favorites are pretty much the top ten songs. I think my favorite line was from Rysler's “Werewolves!” “You better chat with us tonight / Cause the countdown is up and we need to survive / You better ignore social lives [ / Cause we’re playing the Werewolves through the night”] As someone who has been playing HogwartsWerewolves since March 2016, I deeply feel these lyrics, lol! Q: How was the top ten chosen out of so many songs? A: I'm going to be honest: I sat here and sang every. single. submission. I'm not proud of it. But my main criteria for grading and choosing awards were: How actually singable is this? Do the syllables still reasonably fit? Were enough lyrics changed? Does it make sense? I had initially planned for five awards, but in the end there were simply too many exceptional submissions to limit it to five. The ten I ultimately chose were ones that made me laugh, cry, or both; the lyrics made sense and the songs were utterly singable. When I had trouble narrowing it down to just ten submissions, I tried to consider which songs would help form a more balanced 'set list' for the spring recital. Q: Given how successful the Frog Choir was, can we hope to see a challenge like this in the future? A: I certainly hope so! The June extra credit assignment is a thestral of another color, but I do plan to incorporate elements of the Frog Choir into future assignments.
SPRING RECITAL!
After May drew close and the Frog Choir finally took down their notice board, some students were seen occasionally wandering there, looking melancholic. As June began and the Choir’s Spring Recital finally performed the chosen 10 songs for all the school to hear, cheers and applause almost drowned out their perfectly synchronized voices and choreography. Sing-alongs, dance pieces, ballads and narrative songs all moved and inspired the students like Professor
Flitwick couldn’t have even imagined. Professor MacabreGoblin, however, was seen looking over the students’ performance with a proud smile. It was clear that from the number of participants to the overwhelming amount of submissions that the Frog Choir had been a challenge not easily forgotten.
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QUIBBLER EDUCATION
The Endless Library The Library of Babel is a muggle story, which tells of a great library that contains all knowledge. It is a place of countless rooms, each with four walls of books, in which are written all things known and unknown, meaningful and meaningless, in no particular order whatsoever. Unbeknownst to muggles, and indeed to most of the magical community, The Library of Babel is more than just a story. It is a dark and dangerous place, hidden behind a heavily locked door in the Department of Mysteries. Although this does suggest that the Ministry of Magic has, in its possession, the complete compendium of all knowledge, the very thing that gives the Library its power renders it useless. The books lining the near-infinite shelves contain every possible combination of every written character, which means that the vast majority of them contain nothing but gibberish. From a distance it is a curious thing, an interesting topic for philosophical conversation and nothing more. In person, however, it has a frightening allure. To stand in the library is to know that the very next room could contain the story of your life, or your great grandchildren’s lives. To know that somewhere, perhaps even on the next shelf, could lie the answers to every question you’ve ever asked, or a book of powerful spells, or perhaps the answer to death itself. Despite the dismal odds of success, the temptation to search is very real, and is rumored to be strengthened by whatever magic first created the library. “When you first step through the door, it doesn’t feel all that different. You notice how quiet it is, though. All you hear is the sound of your breath, and the echo of your footsteps, but it doesn’t bother you. The books don’t seem like much either, I actually thought they were funny at first, just end58
less nonsense... you don’t expect to find anything at all. But after a while something changes. You see something in a book… a pattern in the letters, maybe, or sometimes a word, and the longer you look, the more patterns you start to see. It’s all still gibberish, but somehow you forget that. You start to forget all sorts of things…” - Marius Slater, 1938 If you indulge your curiosity, even
for a moment, you could find yourself moving a room further into the library, or perhaps two, or perhaps far enough that you finally come to understand that the library is a maze, with doors beyond counting and not a single landmark. Every door the same, every shelf a replica, and all of it buried beneath a silence so complete that many find it unbearable. How long would you last, if you became lost? Despite all this, the library was never locked until the 1950s, when a young witch entered the library and never returned. The popular rumor is that she found her own name, written in a book in the very first room, and never looked back until she couldn’t remember the
way. How her head must have spun when she understood that she was lost, when she realized that the only thing that could save her was her sense of direction, and that it had abandoned her. Did she die before the silence drove her mad? Perhaps she kept searching, and found the knowledge to keep herself alive. The odds certainly wouldn’t be in her favor, but the library’s strange magic seems to bend the rules, for some. In fact, if the library’s legends are true, she wouldn’t be the first. The “Man of the Book” is said to inhabit the library, a man who found the most important book of all – the library index. What would you search for, if you held the index in your hands? If you knew the location of the book you wanted most, how far into the library would you need to travel? A hundred miles? A thousand? Or perhaps just one room further? These are the questions that lead the curious to their deaths, and are the reason why it remains locked to this day. “I heard it once, after I’d been in there a while. Like a voice, speaking to me, but without words. It told me there was something I was supposed to find. Something I was meant to find. I was lucky, though. I looked back at the door, and it wasn’t still the hallway on the other side, it was another room. My heart stopped. I’ve never felt panic like that before. It all came crashing back to me, and I realized how far I’d gone, how thirsty I was, how tired I was.. When I made it out, I knew I was lucky. The headache lasted for days..” - Marius Slater, 1938
EDUCATION QUIBBLER
The Magic of Genetics How Muggle Science Helps Lessen Prejudice in the Wizarding World
Pure-blood. Half-blood. Muggleborn. Blood status has been a defining factor in the wizarding world for generations, and has been the cause of multiple wars and countless discrimination cases. But what exactly is blood status? What makes a wizard different from a muggle? Is it a birthright, or random chance? And what about Squibs, or muggleborns? Though wizards have asked these questions for years, it is Muggle Science has finally given us an answer. The fact the children resemble their parents comes as no surprise to us. In fact, humans have been using selective breeding to manipulate the traits of plants and animals for centuries; making faster horses, smaller dogs, specifically colored flowers. In 1865, a Muggle Monk named Gregor Mendel set up an experiment with pea plants to learn more about heredity by studying the outcome of different cross-pollinations. He chose two different species of pea plants and focused on several distinct traits within each species. For example, the seeds of one species were yellow, while the other was green. Mendel saw that the first generation of cross-bred plants all had yellow seeds, but when he bred those cross-breeds together, there were both yellow and green seeds. Through his experiments, Mendel learned several things that still hold true, or mostly true, today. He learned the genes come in pairs, that every organism receives one copy of each gene from each of their parents, and that some genes are dominant over others. Unfortunately, much of Mendel’s work was burned after his death, and the papers that survived ended up collecting dust for almost fifty years. But in the early 1900’s, several independent studies confirmed Mendel’s theories, and the Mendelian Laws of Inheritance were considered fact. At this time, Muggle scientists were taking a closer look at cells, and were able to see structures within cells under a microscope. The discovery of chromosomes within cells, and the behavior of these chromosomes within reproductive cells, gave a physical context to Mendel’s theoretical work.
After more testing, this time with fruit flies, it was determined the genes are carried by chromosomes, which are passed through reproductive cells (sperm and eggs) from parent to offspring. Each parent passes half of their chromosomes, and thus half of their genetic traits, to their offspring, and the dominant traits that are passed along shine through. Well, usually. But unlike pea plants, humans and other complex species can have traits that show codominance (where both traits are expressed equally), or incomplete dominance (where the two traits blend together). But even more relevant, many traits that are expressed in humans are actually the results of multiple genes working together. Humans have 23 chromosome pairs, for a total of 46 chromosomes, each of which are packed full of genetic material. All but one of these pairs consist of two identical chromosomes, one from each parent, and are simply called the 1st through 22nd chromosomes. The last pair of chromosomes are the sex-linked chromosomes, and these are the chromosomes that determine gender. They are called the X and Y chromosomes. Females have a double X, while males have an X and a Y. Because of this, a child will always receive an X chromosome from their mother. If they receive a second X chromosome from their father, the child will be female, XX. If they receive a Y from the father, the child will be male, XY. Which brings us to Muggles and Wizards. After extensive research, a team of wizards using these Muggle advancements have identified two distinct genes that make the difference between magical and Muggle. The first gene is found on the X chromosome
and is either active (XA) or inactive (Xi). The second gene is found on the 14th chromosome, and displays incomplete dominance with its opposite muggle trait (notated W for the wizarding gene and M for the Muggle gene). The different combinations of these genes are shown as, for example, XAY WW or XiXi MM. These expressions are called genotypes. The traits that we can actually see, Muggle, Wizard, or Squib, is called a phenotype. This all seemed very straight-forward, except the team of researchers couldn’t actually find any wizards with both W and M genes. Even in cases where there was no possible way for both parents to pass down the W gene, the wizarding child would end up with WW and not WM. After quite a bit of frustration, the team finally realized that the active XA gene appears to force a mutation of the M gene, before the division of the first embryonic cell, forcing the genes into WW. They did find a few very rare instances where this mutation doesn’t happen, and the resultant wizard’s magic is usually weak and unpredictable. So what does this mean for the wizarding world? Quite simply, there is nothing wrong or dirty about a Muggleborn’s blood. They didn’t steal their magic, they are simply the descendants of squibs. And marrying muggles won’t do anything to dilute our blood. In fact, quite the opposite would happen. Right now there are very very few Muggles that carry the wizarding genes, which is why we only see a handful of Muggleborns born every year. But the more the wizarding population mixes with the Muggle population, the more the Wizarding genes will show through.
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QUIBBLER INSERT
Astronomical Effects
The Galilean Moons and Trappist-1
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EDUCATION QUIBBLER For those of use heavily embroiled in the art of Astronomy, the muggle American society NASA (National Aeronautics and Space Administration) has long been an unwitting ally to the interpretation of the stars and their effect on the magical realm. Many wizards are unaware that muggles managed to physically travel to the Moon in 1969, and their presence there altered the cycle for many lunar-dependent beings. Werewolves, for example, found their transformations less violent during any month a human being had set foot on the lunar surface, although they did have to suffer through an extra night. Each discovery NASA made helped to explain some of the observations astronomers in the wizarding world had collated. Many Hogwarts students are familiar with the analysis of the solar system, in particular the gruelling fifth year essay covering all 63 of Jupiter’s moons. Most wizards who studied at school are vaguely aware that the bisection of the Earth-Jupiter sightline by one of the Galilean moons will affect the sustainability of certain charms and transfigurations by a statistically significant but humanly negligible amount. One of these effects is that on the Aguamenti spell; during these bisections, there is a slight but noticeable chance that Aguamenti spells with spew forth an ice mixture instead of water. This ice mixture is undrinkable and at times hazardous to health. It is often seen as a colossal yet interesting spell failure that increases in likelihood if more than one Galilean moon is bisecting at once. At Hogwarts, this is said to be because of the moon’s icy habitats and in a way, that would be correct. But after studying muggle astrophysics and astrogeology, wizarding astronomers have discovered it is not just their frigid temperature but a surface phenomenon known as cryovolcanism. Any wizard or witch worth their salt has learnt to analyse the wording of spells to find meaning, and thus cryovolcanism is an easy one for most: icy volcanoes. This sounds on the surface pretty simple. At first, both wizarding astronomers and muggle scientists made the assumption that all cryovolcanically active moons or planets must contain liquid water in its interior. This, then, would explain the effect of the Aguamenti spell. This could be explained due to tidal heating – that is, the effect of Jupiter’s gravity upon the inner
materials of a satellite, causing enough movement to heat the centre as cause liquid ice. However, water has the peculiarity of decreasing in density when it melts – this is unusual, as most materials increase in density when freezing; that is, their atoms (small particles that make up all matter) get closer together and more strongly bound. Since water does the opposite, not only does it float but it isn’t as hard as one would expect. And it would have to be much harder to erupt through a surface of ice like the ones found on the Galilean moons. Thus what is ejected in these eruptions, known as cryomagma, is not pure ice. It is a mixture of ice and other materials such as ammonia and silicate rock. This lowers not only the melting point of this cryomagma but also raises the density, meaning it is much easier to erupt. This icy concoction does not need to be fully melted, only near its melting point, due to its low viscosity. It is this cryomagma, then, that erupts from a wizard’s wand during the period of bisection. While definitely undrinkable, the study of this mixture could prove telling as to the structure of these moons and improve the interpretation of their effects on magic. Studies of the surface of each Galilean moon tells which of them are more likely to affect the Aguamenti spell simply due to the amount of cryovolcanic activity on each. Ganymede and Callisto have surfaces mottled with craters and very little evidence of current activity, causing their effects to be minimal, almost negligible. The dark and mottled surface of Europa show sections when muddy-looking ice has burst through the surface; it
is a well-differentiated satellite with a silicate core and a mantle of liquid water covered by a thin crust of Ice I, thus its cryomagma reflects this with a slightly different structure. Going outwards from Europa to Jupiter’s outer satellites, though the bulk amount of ice increases, the surface ice content lowers. The outer satellites no longer have any radioactive sources in their cores and do not undergo as much tidal heating, thus their liquid ices froze a long time ago. Thus only the inner Galilean moons cause any measurable effect at the level of the amateur astronomer. Just this year, NASA announced their discovery of the Trappist-1 system and wizards who deigned to pay attention turned their telescopes to analyse this section of space. The system lies in the Aquarius constellation, being the eleventh Zodiac sign and spanning the 300-330th degree of the zodiac, between 305.25 and 332.75 degree of celestial longitude. The masculine and positive energy of this constellation allude to honesty, independence, originality and loyalty; on the other hand, in the wrong position it can bely unpredictability, egotism, and detachment. How, then, does Trappist-1 explain this? Trappist-1 itself is an ultracool star. It lends itself towards the feeling of detachment and independence that Aquarius tends to inspire. The planets of Trappist-1 are close; so close that if you stand on the surface of one, you could see the surface of another! The planets would fill the skies of each other is a very muggle science-fiction way. This interaction promotes the loyalty and honesty factor.
The two sides of Aquarius are shown very prominently in the Trappist-1 planets. The planets are tidally locked; this means one side of the planet is always facing the sun and the other is perpetually in the dark. Of course, this would mean little to human beings as most of Trappist-1’s light is in the infrared spectrum. In any case, this duality highlights the loyalty and detachment of Aquarius. All the planets of the Trappist-1 system are transit planets – this means they pass in front of their star. This, then, could lend itself to explaining the current unpredictability that goes with this constellation; each transit will affect moods and magic in a significant way, especially as all the planets are terrestrial (rocky). Their heavy presence will dim the star’s positive effect significantly. Their very small orbit time means that these dips and highs in mood and magical ability will come and go very quickly. The closest planet, Trappist-1a, has an orbit time of only 1.5 days, and has a transit time of 36 minutes. It has a density of 0.6, which will cause a varying of moods rather than a distinct drop. The densest planet, Trappist-1c, has a noticeable dip in mood toward the angry and depressed, which can last for 42.4 minutes every 2.4 days. The furthest star, Trappist 1-h, has an orbit time of 18.7 days and a transit period of 75.6 minutes – however, due to its unknown mass and density at this time, the effect of mood and magic is unknown. Each discovery the muggles make of our stars vastly outmatches our own; using their work, we can analyse the effects on magic to a degree that most wizarding astronomers never thought possible. The Wizards of the Society of Astronomical Significance in Sorcery welcome any additional observation, from amateurs or professionals, about either magical effects or muggle science. 61
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MUMBLED DIRECTIONS
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EDUCATION QUIBBLER Recently, editors at the Quibbler sat down with one of the healers in charge of the second floor at Saint Mungo’s, which is dedicated to magical bugs and diseases. Prior to his position on the second floor, H.H. Mumble has worked in both Spell Damage and the Potions and Plant Poisoning sections of the hospital. While Mumble has never worked directly on the first floor, he assures the Quibbler that he is very experienced at handling animal-related injuries on account of having five sons. Head Healer Mumble has been a resident mainstay at Saint Mungo’s for a little more than four decades and has agreed to help answer a couple of write-in questions from concerned readers. Head Healer Mumble,
Head Healer Mumble,
My son, Frederick, recently passed his apparition exam and has since been practicing with his father via side-along apparition. He hasn’t quite gotten the hang of apparating by himself and so we thought it would be prudent to extend his training until we were fully confident in his ability to solo apparate. Last Saturday we had a little splinching accident which left my son with a rather unsightly hole in his belly. It didn’t take long for Rodger, my husband, to patch Frederick back up, but now it looks just like a second belly button, right by the first one. We aren’t too certain which one is the real belly button and even if we did, I don’t really know what spell or potion would be effective at returning my boy back to the way he was before. Any advice would be appreciated.
I recently started to suffer from an affliction which is most peculiar. I speak to my friends and family in a manner that I perceive to be normal, but they complain that I am nonsensical. Evidently the illness is also affecting my ability to write, as my wife is standing behind me telling me that I am writing gibberish. Please help me doctor, I have no other outward signs of an illness and cannot think of what would have brought on this affliction.
Betty’s Belly Bother --Hi Betty, Splinching accidents are terribly common this time of year as most kids are coming back from school for their summer vacation and can’t wait to practice their new method of transportation. While it is very fortunate that Rodger was on hand to handle the emergency, it might be more prudent in the future to seek immediate medical attention at the hands of myself or my colleagues at St. Mungo’s. Reconstruction of normal skin can be easily accomplished by a simple application of some essence of dittany to the exposed area. From the sound of it, it sounds like your husband might have used the planarian charm, which would have resulted in a speedy recovery of the injured area, but can lead to some significant scarring. As for identifying the original belly button, I would suggest that you pick the one that is closest to where the belly button should be. Get the neighbors involved and take a vote. Once the winner has been decided, you’ll need to open up the scarred area again with a scurogeon charm. This can be a tricky bit of magic and, again, I heavily advise that you seek professional assistance with this step. After that, rely on the dittany to take care of the fresh injury and marvel at how smooth the fresh skin looks.
dlanoR .noitcilffa siht no thguorb evah dluow tahw fo kniht tonnac dna ssenlli na fo sngis drawtuo rehto on evah I ,rotcod em pleh esaelP .hsirebbig gnitirw ma I taht em gnillet em dniheb gnidnats si efiw ym sa ,etirw ot ytiliba ym gnitceffe osla si ssenlli eht yltnedivE .lacisnesnon ma I taht nialpmoc yeht tub ,lamron eb ot eviecrep I taht rennam a ni ylimaf dna sdneirf ym ot kaeps I .railucep tsom si hcihw noitcilffa na morf reffus ot detrats yltnecer I ,elbmuM relaeH daeH --Hello Ronald, You appear to be suffering from a backfired enchantment, probably a time distortion one. You might not have noticed the effects immediately as they have a tendency to start small and build up to a more dramatic level. Maybe you noticed water was pouring backwards into the tea kettle, or maybe you got undressed in the morning and lay down in bed before work, but the spell can grow in power the longer it goes until you get to this point. Unfortunately, there is no easy remedy. The best course of action is to present yourself to the healers at St. Mungo’s and hope that we can start the process of reversing it. It usually takes a couple of days for everything to get sorted. Head Healer Mumble
Head Healer Mumble 63
QUIBBLER EDUCATION
Head Healer Mumble I have a son who just turned seven three days ago. The day after his party he came down with a terrible fever and has a large swollen tongue and hasn’t had the energy to get out of bed for days. I was wondering if it might just be the flu or something more sinister like dragon pox? Concerned Catharine --Hi Catharine, Dragon Pox is most easily identified by the characteristic greenish hint the skin takes during the earliest part of the disease. One of the first places the tint shows up is between the toes, fingers, and behind the ears. Other signs and symptoms are usually more subtle, like taking meat extra rare and an acidic flavor to the breath. It does sound like your boy is suffering something more benign. The swollen tongue, though, is an issue that needs to be addressed. Usually a swollen tongue can come about due to an allergy or an especially severe infection. I would look into any other source of swelling around the head and neck. Check for an infection of the nose or throat. If the swelling gets too severe just keep hexing it with the reduction charm twice a day and once before bed. If it does turn out to be an allergy, simply eliminate the source of the exposure. If the problem persists despite this advice, you should have him looked at by a specialist as there is always the possibility of a curse being placed on him by a party goer as a prank. Obviously that type of magic would be well beyond your average seven year old, but maybe check with any especially mischievous aunts or uncles that were invited. Here’s to a speedy recovery, Head Healer Mumble
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QUIBBLER CRAFTS, BREWS, AND HOBBIES
RESIDENT WANDMAKER DISCUSSES
MALFOY FAMILY WAND W
ell hello there! My name is Mathias_Greyjoy and I have the honour to be the resident Wandmaker here at the Quibbler, and the owner of Wolfwood Mill. I am merely a humble craftsman who bares a lifelong (although some would call it an obsession) desire to craft beautiful handmade magic wands for Witches and Wizards like you! Wands created by Wolfwood Mill are certified to be made of the actual wood they are listed as. No two wands are the same. Every wand is a one-of-a-kind creation that is sure to make any Witch, Wizard, or Warlock smile. They make exceptional gifts! What sets Wolfwood Mill apart from other wandmakers is that our wands have real cores! A magical substance finds itself inside each of our wands. Please be aware that animals are not harmed in any way while collecting the cores. Well hello there! My name is Mathias_Greyjoy and I have the honour to be the resident Wandmaker here at the Quibbler, and the owner of Wolfwood Mill. I am merely a humble craftsman who bares a lifelong (although some would call it an obsession) desire to craft beautiful handmade magic wands for Witches and Wizards like you! Wands created by Wolfwood Mill are certified to be made of the actual wood they are listed as. No two wands are the same. Every wand is a one-of-a-kind creation that is sure to make any Witch, Wizard, or Warlock smile. They make exceptional gifts! What sets Wolfwood Mill apart from other wandmakers is that our wands have real cores! A magical substance finds itself inside each of our wands. Please be aware that animals are not harmed in any way while collecting the cores.
nates from old French and translates as '’bad faith'’. Like many other progenitors of the English nobility, the famous Wizard Armand Malfoy arrived in Britain along with William the Conqueror as part of the invading Norman army. Having rendered unknown, shady (and almost certainly magical) services to King William I, Malfoy was given a prime piece of land in Wiltshire, seized from local landowners, upon which his descendants have lived for ten consecutive centuries. Armand encapsulated many of the qualities that have distinguished the Malfoy family to the present day. The Malfoys have always had the reputation, hinted at by their not altogether complimentary surname, of being a slippery bunch, to be found courting power and riches wherever they might be found.
This wand, was used by Lucius Malfoy for the Welcome back noble majority of his life, and is students of Wandlore, In an heirloom of the Malfoy this issue I am proud to Family, said to have been present to you a most increated over 1,000 years famous wand, the Malfoy ago for an ancestor of family Elm wood wand, the Malfoy family. If this containing a Dragon heart- wand is truly one-thoustring core. sand years old, its original owner may very well have The snakehead handle was been their wily ancestor 3D printed and the Wood- Armand Malfoy, who lived en shaft was turned by me in the mid-11th century. from real Elm wood. It is possible that when a Malfoy inherits the Manor The Malfoy name origiin Wiltshire, they receive 66
the Elm wand alongside it, meaning that owning it might be a sign of the person in question being the patriarch or matriarch of the Malfoy family. Once one of the most popular of all wand woods, Elm was ravaged by disease in the second half of the twentieth century. The demand for this wood has therefore outstripped supply, and wands hewn from Elm are rare and unusual. There exists an unsubstantiated belief that only pure-bloods can produce magic from Elm wands. Undoubtedly started by some Elm wand owner seeking to prove his own blood credentials. Consequently, I have known perfect matches of Elm wands among Muggle-borns. The truth is that Elm wands prefer owners who hold stature, presence, magical dexterity, and a certain native dignity. Of all wand woods, Elm, in my experience, produces the fewest accidents, the least foolish errors, the most stable and grounded magic, and the most elegant charms and spells; these are sophisticated wands, capable of highly advanced magic in the right hands (which, again, makes it highly desirable to those who espouse the pure-blood philosophy). This wood seems the least resistant to being passed down to new owners, as
long as they match with its supercilious nature. The core of this wand was obtained from a Hebridean Black. A dragon species native to the Hebrides Islands of Scotland, this pitch-black Dragon has a tail tipped with an arrow-shaped spike; a more reserved species of dragon, but vicious when provoked. It is not unsurprising to find that the heartstrings of these creatures make for unforgiving cores, which hold grudges against the owner’s opponents for long years. They are particularly accepting towards their current owner, and are almost impossible for another wizard to use. The heartstrings of Dragons produce wands of sheer power, boasting a lot of magical heft. Dragon wands tend to learn quicker than other types; they are well suited to Transfiguration and to all manner of martial magic. While they can change their allegiance if won from the original master, they always bond strongly with the current owner. The Dragon wand tends to be easiest to turn to the Dark Arts, though it will not incline that way of its own accord. This is not a subtle core, as Dragon heartstring is the most prone of the three British cores to accidents, being somewhat temperamental.
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RESIDENT WANDMAKER DISCUSSES
THE WAND OF LORD VOLDEMORT
W
ell hello there! My name is Mathias_Greyjoy and I have the honour to be the resident Wandmaker here at the Quibbler, and the owner of Wolfwood Mill. I am merely a humble craftsman who bares a lifelong (although some would call it an obsession) desire to craft beautiful handmade magic wands for Witches and Wizards like you! Wands created by Wolfwood Mill are certified to be made of the actual wood they are listed as. No two wands are the same. Every wand is a one-of-a-kind creation that is sure to make any Witch, Wizard, or Warlock smile. They make exceptional gifts! What sets Wolfwood Mill apart from other wandmakers is that our wands have real cores! A magical substance finds itself inside each of our wands. Please be aware that animals are not harmed in any way while collecting the cores. Welcome back noble students of Wandlore, In this issue I have something quite unusual to show you. Be warned, this dark endeavour is not for the faint of heart.
opinion, among the most handsome of all woods. Yew is reputed to endow its possessor with the power of life and death, which might, of course, be said of all wands; and yet Yew retains a particularly This wand was made of dark and fearsome repYew and contained a Phoe- utation in the spheres of nix feather Core, it was 13 duelling and all forms of ½” long and belonged to combative magic. TruthfulTom Marvolo Riddle, the ly, Yew holds Dark leanwizard who later became ings. however, it is untrue known as Lord Voldemort. to say (as those unlearned The Phoenix feather core in wandlore often do) that was from Albus Dumbthose who use Yew wands ledore's pet Phoenix, are more likely to be Fawkes. Harry Potter's and attracted to the Dark Arts Tom Riddle's wands were than another. The witch both made from feathers or wizard best suited to a from him, making them Yew wand might equally "brothers" or "twins" as prove a fierce protector of their wands share cores. others. Wands hewn from It was with this wand that these most long-lived trees Riddle murdered scores have been found in the of his enemies and ended possession of heroes quite the lives of some of the as often as of villains. most talented wizards and witches of the age. Where Wizards and Witches have been buried with The sacred Tree of Time, wands of Yew, the wand Transformation, Death will sprout into a tree and Rebirth. Yew is a wood guarding the dead owner’s that both the ancient grave. The Yew wand will Druids of Briton and the never choose a mediocre Native American Magical or a timid owner. communities have revered above all other trees for The Phoenix is a large centuries. Wands of Yew swan-sized scarlet bird are extremely rare, and with red and gold plumtheir ideal matches are age and a tail as long as likewise unusual, and a peacock's. This is the occasionally quite notori- rarest of the British cores. ous. The Golden orange Phoenix feather is capatoned Yew wand is, in my ble of the greatest range
of magic; however, it is difficult as a core to master, for the creature from which it is taken is one of the most independent and detached in the world. Phoenix feathers show the most initiative, sometimes acting of their own accord, a quality that many witches and wizards dislike. Phoenix wands are unique in that they are associated with both death and rebirth. This core is the hardest to tame and to personalize, and its allegiance is usually hardwon.
Stay tuned loyal students of Wandlore for more lessons and sneak peeks into the work of the Master Wandmaker himself. 69
QUIBBLER CRAFTS, BREWS, AND HOBBIES
Salt-Baked Freshwater
Plimpie
by Marx0r
As
HPRankdown2 comes to a close, one might find themselves with a whole lot of leftover salt, and no constructive outlet for it. Worry no more, as this rustic recipe utilizes plenty of it.
Time: 1 hour Ingredients: * Whole freshwater plimpie (or red snapper)
* 6 cups Kosher salt
* 4 tbsp fennel seed
* 3 egg whites
* 4 tbsp coriander
* 1 egg yolk
* 2 tbsp black peppercorn
* 1 tbsp mustard
* 3 lemons (1 roughly chopped, 2 juiced)
* ž cup extra-virgin olive oil
* 5 sprigs dill, chopped and stems reserved
* 1 leek, cleaned and chopped into seven equalxpieces
* 10 cloves garlic (5 lightly smashed, 5 minced) * 2 jalapeĂąos (1 roughly chopped, 1 seeded and minced) 70
* Splash regular olive oil
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For the fish:
Clean and scale the plimpy. Store in refrigerator or cast a Chilling Charm until it’s ready to go into the oven. Toast the fennel seed, coriander, and black peppercorn in a dry pan on high heat, until spices begin to pop. Transfer spices to a mortar and pestle, let cool slightly, and grind finely. Combine half the spice blend with the dill stems, smashed garlic, and roughly chopped lemon and jalapeno. Stuff the mixture into the plimpy. Combine salt, egg whites, and 1/2 cup water. Mix with hands. It should resemble wet sand, add more salt or water as needed until it comes to a ‘packing’ consistency. Put about 1/3 of the mixture on the bottom of a baking pan about the size of the plimpy. Cover the fish with the remaining 2/3.
Bake at 450 for 20 minutes (prepare the aioli during this time), then let rest for 10 minutes. (prepare the leeks during this time) Break open the salt dome. Be careful, as the fish will fall apart easily. Scrape the skin off and remove the meat from the bone. Plate with the aioli and leeks, garnish with chopped dill, and serve immediately.
For the aioli:
Put the egg yolk, mustard, a third of the chopped dill, and half of: the remaining spice blend, lemon juice, minced garlic, and minced jalapeno in a stand mixer. Turn the mixer on high and add about 1/3 of the oil, a few drops at a time. Add the rest of the oil slightly faster.
For the leeks:
Put a pan on high heat with a splash of olive oil. When oil begins to smoke slightly, add leeks. Allow to sear for 5 minutes or until darkly caramelized. Add the remainder of the garlic, jalapeno, and spice blend and toss to combine, still over high heat, until garlic begins to toast. Add the remainder of the lemon juice to deglaze the pan and cook until the juice reduces. Take the leeks out of the pan, and place into a covered container to continue cooking under its own heat.
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MUGGLE SUMMER TRE N DS For witches
Want to mingle with the hip muggles during your summer holiday? Here are 14 trends that will make you fit in instantly. As summer is here, so is the fashion and this year is exciting. We've got lots of pastels, lace, frills, and embroidery. We’re taking back the best from the Muggle ‘90s, early ‘00s and a just tad bit of the ‘70s.
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Crop-tops and lace ups We are taking the good old ‘00’s back with crop-tops and lots and lots of lace-up shirts. The more lace-up the better. We want to show our lovely bodies in a subtle, sexy manner, while still showing nothing at all. The crop-tops are especially flattering for our curvy women out there since they flatter the waist beautifully combined with a high waisted skirt or pair of jeans. But the great part of these items is that they look amazing on just about any size or shape.
Chokers These are a must! Recently everyone has been obsessed with chokers; and why not? They can make your whole outfit come together quite nicely, and make you look enticing and mysterious. There are several styles of chokers you can choose from: the simple small velvet one with a little jewel attached, or the wrap around tie, or even a gold metal one. There is no limit to chokers these days, so get creative!
Heavy jewelry and astronomy Besides chokers, heavy Victorian-inspired jewelry is the most popular type of accessory. Think lots and lots of rhinestones and gems in various flowery forms. The bigger the better, and you want the necklace to lay on your collarbone. Of course earrings of the same form is a must too. Another jewelry trend these days are stars and moons: little half moon shapes and just about any type of astronomy brought into the accessory. You want these types of jewelry to be simpler and less heavy like the Victorian ones, but still short and close to your neck.
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Pastels - Pastels - Pastels It’s everywhere! The soft greyish tone of color is so popular that you literally cannot avoid it. The more subtle the color is, the better. It’s is especially popular in caps and shoes. The pastel pink color Rose Quartz is especially in, and has even won color of the year, along with a pastel blue named Serenity. That never happens; usually only one color wins, but The Pantone Color Institute couldn't decide. While those two colors are the main hit, we are slowly seeing a pastel green enter the picture too. If you wanna be head first in fashion - soft green is the way to go.
Frills and collars High collars and Peter Pan collars with feminine details are taking over the stores. Same with lots and lots of frills. It’s the Victorian era and ‘90’s mixed together into something mysteriously beautiful. Collars are especially popular under sweaters, the high collars go well with flowy frills along the chest and the Peter Pan collars are usually paired with a black or pastel skater dress. These items will give your outfit a feminine modest twist, especially combined with pastel colors.
Embroidered and denim Denim jackets, denim jeans, and denim overalls are key in fashion these days. Especially in light pastel blue colors with rips, bleaches details and flower embroidery. Overalls are very popular, they come in shorts, skirts and jeans, and are usually styled with soft pastel tees or crop-tops. The overall shorts are the most popular; of course they are! They look absolutely adorable! But it seems like the denim jacket with flower details are slowly taking over the #1 spot, and the high-waisted denim jeans are closing in fast. And don’t forget the flower embroidery! No denim is complete without embroidery!
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Mesh and lace: Two things that are highly popular these days are mesh and lace. You’ll see it everywhere in Muggle stores in almost every shape and form. They are especially popular for croptops and skirts, but also used as bracelets and necklaces. It gives a look of subtle sexiness while still being classy and mysterious.
Lipstick Bold lips have been on the fashion platter the last couple of years, and they aren’t going away anytime soon. Dark, full lips in beautiful shades are worshipped and can make your entire look come together perfectly. The darker shades of pink and red are especially valued.
Chunky black shoes or pastel sneakers Platform shoes and sandals from the ‘90’s have made their way back into our hearts over the last couple of years and they aren’t gone! They’re here to stay. At the same time, lightweight sneakers in pastel colors are taking over as well. Which one would you chose? Or even better, why not both?
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HOGWARTS HORROR-SCOPES Madam Starflash Sees what (mis)fortunes will befall you this season!
CAPRICORN THE THESTRAL
TAURUS THE WEREWOLF
VIRGO THE UNICORN
(DEC. 22ND — JAN. 19TH)
(APRIL 20TH — MAY 20TH)
(AUGUST 23RD — SEPT. 22ND)
Capricorn, do not purchase anything to drink at the Weird Sister’s concert next month. There will be Firewhiskey in the butterbeer barrel. Bring your own hip flask and avoid Splinching yourself on the way home.
Taurus, I highly recommend avoiding Gladrags on the day of their annual swimwear event if you like having hair on your head. Chaos is guaranteed from the second you set foot inside the store. If you must go, stay clear of the witch in red robes.
Virgos, be careful with that mosquito-zapping spell. If you are even slightly off with your wand movements, you’re sure to wind up in St. Mungo’s burn ward. Remember, flick and swish, not swish and flick.
AQUARIUS THE KELPIE
GEMINI THE VEELA
LIBRA THE DRAGON
(JAN. 20TH — FEB. 18TH)
(MAY 21ST — JUNE 20TH)
(SEPT. 23RD — OCT. 22ND)
Aquarians, expect an infestation of gnomes in your garden this next week. Consult “Gilderoy Lockhart’s Guide to Household Pests” for the most effective way to de-gnome. Then leave out a bowl of giant grubs for when they return if you don’t want them destroying your cabbages.
If you purchase the three different summer love potions on sale at Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes the day after the full moon, please be careful to store them separately from your cough potions, lest your friend the Aries become infatuated with you when you try and heal their cold.
Libra, do not make your own allergy potion this summer unless you wish to sprout antlers. Visit St. Mungo’s for a free bottle of Healer-approved anti-pollen potion. Remember, antidotes are anti-don’ts unless approved by a qualified Healer.
PISCES THE MERMAN
CANCER THE FIRECRAB
(FEB.19TH — MARCH 20TH)
(JUNE 21ST — JULY 22ND)
SCORPIO THE VAMPIRE (OCT. 23RD — NOV. 21ST)
Pisces, do not, I repeat, do NOT purchase the self-tanning potion from the cart outside Quality Quidditch Supplies unless you enjoy a greenish tint to your skin. If you insist upon tanning, try the South of France.
Scorpios, you should attend the sunburn awareCancers, camping in the summer is great fun! But ness seminar at St. Mungo’s next week. Stock up you must be careful. Do not use the stove inside on the complimentary sunblock they offer. It will the tent. Instead, build a Muggle campfire five feet save your skin, literally. away from the tent and avoid burning down your bunk beds.
ARIES THE HIPPOGRIFF
LEO THE SPHINX
(MARCH 21ST — APRIL19TH)
(JULY 23RD — AUGUST 22ND)
Aries, it is highly important that you do not drink anything your Gemini friend may offer you this summer. I recommend heading for the Muggle Spice Pumpkin Engorgement Farm for fresh squeezed lemonade instead.
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SAGITTARIUS THE CENTAUR
(NOV. 22ND — DEC. 21ST)
My fellow Sagittarians, head quickly for the Muggle Spice Pumpkin Engorgement Farm! They’re Leo, when you head for Diagon Alley in two hiring for the summer season, and are in desperate weeks, take your family owl with you. You will need of ice cream enchanters and lemonade pourwant to get her checked out at the Magical Menag- ers. Butter up the Welcome Witch at the gate and erie, as her wing is quite delicate right now. They’ll you can expect a glowing recommendation. be able to mend her up nicely.
K9'S KILLER CROSSWORDS!
ACROSS 1 5
Who was the first centaur Harry saw in the forest? At the Quidditch World Cup, Harry walked past 3 African wizards sitting around a what coloured fire? 6 What career did Hermione's parents have? 8 According to Elphias Doge, what was Aberforth's preferred method to settle arguments? 9 This is an invisible creature that float in through your ears and make your brain go fuzzy. 11 What does 'Bladvak' mean in Gobbledegook? 13 What is Kingsley's patronus? 14 What is Hepzibah Smith's house elf's name?
DOWN 2
_____ is the name of the prison Grindelwald built to hold his opponents. 3 What spell does Hermione use to check Riddle's diary for visible ink? 4 Complete this wizard phrase "Some son of a _____" 7 What day of the week did the First 1994 Triwizard Task occur? 10 After selling Harry's interview to the Daily Prophet, what country did the Lovegoods vacation to? 11 What color is the umbrella that Hagrid stores the pieces of his wand in? 12 According to the Sorting Hat, what are Hufflepuffs unafraid of ?
SOLUTION HERE
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Classifieds Reach your Prospects First
LOST AND FOUND MISSING Three small bottles of silvery liquid, labeled S-317, H-0810, and WS-1. Went missing from the Archivist's office two days ago. If found, please return them to the Archivist. GILDEROY FANS? HERE'S YOUR CHANCE! Three-and-a-half stacks of fan mail from Gilderoy Lockhart. Found near the kitchens late last night. I have turned them in to The Quibbler Lost and Found. BATHILDA'S LOST Limited edition copy of The History of Magic by Bathilda Bagshot. It is leather-bound, hardcover and engraved with magical runes. It has her signature on the front page. Please recover it and contact 92 Hawthorne Way. IMMINENT DOOM I've lost a family heirloom. It's a necklace, silver laced with rubies and a single emerald. Within the pendant there is a rock that contains a terrible curse. Good luck!
JOBS PET SITTER Going on vacation this summer? Afraid of leaving your niffler alone? I can take care of any pet or creature! I received an EE on my Care of Magical Creatures N.E.W.T.S. HELP WANTED: POTIONS EXPERT I have procured several bottles of some unknown potion and would like them appraised. Will pay 25 Galleons. Send an owl to "Knockturn Collector" for more information. HELP WANTED Looking for an assistants to help plan an adaption of The Fountain of Fair Fortune. MUST have expertise in selecting and handling NONLETHAL magical creatures. DRAGON WHISPERER Need help with your Dragons? I'm often called the Queen of dragons or the dragon whisperer. I can help you with all your dragon needs! 80
ERADICATOR NEEDED. DESPERATELY. SERIOUSLY. HELP ME NOW!!!!! Help. Needed. Quickly. Owl Me. HOUSE ELF NEEDED Small wizarding family of 32 is looking for some help by an experienced House Elf. Fair wages, Room and Board as payment. Contact us now!
TRAVEL GUIDE NEEDED
FIREWORKS PROMOTION
I'm departing for an expedition to Egypt in 2 weeks and need a travel guide to bring me to various temples and pyramids. I'm going to study the Sphinx and various mummies there.
In need of fireworks for your summer festivities? Floo on over to Hotflash Harry's Fireworks and Enchantments! These deals are hot!
CAT-LIKE BURGLAR
Romina'sTarterie is having a grand opening sales event in their new Diagon Alley location. All sweets are buy one get one free! Join us June 30.
SPONSORED BY S.P.E.W. - Fair lives for House Elves!
Gringotts Bank has spotted a cat burglar of sorts sneaking around the premises. If you spot her, do not hesitate to contact an auror or our personal security staff!
FOR SALE
PERSONALS
COME GET YOUR CRUPPIES
MISSED CONNECTION
My Crup just had cruppies! If you are interested in getting a crup, now is your chance! I am a licensed Crup handler and teacher. Take my class to get your Crup Handler license and pick your favorite cruppie! I only have 5 cruppies so OWL me ASAP! POMONA'S SPROUT ALLGROWER I am Professor of Herbology Pomona Sprout and hereby sell 7 bottles of my own recipe. Sprinkle half a teaspoon of my ingenious potion on anything and see it grow into a beautiful full-grown plant. 3 Galleans per bottle! Order now! FIRST EDITION HISTORY OF MAGIC FOR SALE I've recently acquired a limited edition copy of Bathilda's Bagshot 'History of Magic' with the writers signature on the front cover! 532 Galleons, no questions asked. USED REMEMBRALL Slightly used remembrall. Forgot why I bought it. 7 Sickles.
WANTED LOOKING FOR Comfortable bed, preferably with in-built sleeping spells. Will pay you with candy, love, affections and galleons. Please respond ASAP. COME FLY WITH ME Free spirited, recently graduated witch looking for a nice sturdy broomstick to ride. If you have what I need, we can play some real Quidditch.
Hello, you were wearing an orange polka-dotted dress and a navy overcoat two days ago. You rushed away so quickly that I never got to thank you for finding my handbag. Send me an owl! - Grateful in Cyan. TO MR. 'INVISIBLE' I have dropped off the package of Ovyyljvt fgvatf and qentba gbathrf at 22 Jnggyre Fgerrg, Cbffhz Bnfvf. Keep your wand on you at all times. The 'lady' will be there to stop you. I will be at the 'Gumshoe Hat Shop' to rendezvous with you. Best of wishes, 'Sergeant Klondike'. KNIGHTLY ADVENTURE You were sitting in the Knight Bus on June 22nd at 11 pm on our way to London. We glanced at each other multiple times. I still see your auburn hair and beard, the piercing blue eyes that screamed "Come Here". Send me an owl sometime! - Boy in Blue LONELY LOVERS I'm a 43 year old wizard. I'm a romanticus that has been single for over 42 years. I'm so lonely and forlorn. I'm looking for a kindred spirit. Interested? Please send me an owl post-haste. I need you.
BUSINESS OFFER YOU CAN'T REFUSE! Smiling Winky's happy hour! Come in during happy hour and enjoy unlimited refills on any of our summer signature drinks!
GRAND OPENING
ANNUAL SUMMER JAMBOREE JULY 21 - JULY 23 2017. Hogwarts Students, Ministry Employees. Enjoy your summer breaks and join our ANNUAL SUMMER JAMBOREE! The Singular BIGGEST Wizarding Festival in the UK! Some of our amazing lineup includes Scarecrow Boat, Malice in Chains, Punch Face, Champion, Flames for Flames, Crackfinger, Department of Homeland Obscurity, Puppy Pendulum, Possum Pendulum, Radwagon, Jet Black Pope, Muscle Confusion, Just the Tip, Fiveskin, Fourskin, Threeskin, Angelsnack, Nothing Rhymes With Orange and many more! Buy TICKETS NOW!
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