The Quibbler - Winter 2016 by Hogwarts Quibbler

Dear readers, We at The Quibbler would like to dedicate this issue to a very brave little girl named Emily, who just turned seven, and spent some time in St. Mungo’s, fighting off a particularly nasty case of spattergroit. We have a few words from our very own iSquash, who has brought our attention to how special Emily is. We would like to make her an honorary Gryffindor, until the time the Sorting Hat places her, five years from now. Emily, we eagerly await your arrival at Hogwarts.

Dear Emily, Well, it look s identity, eh? like you have finally f i dered why I a It’s true, I am a witch. gured out my secret m so very goo Haven’t you a I was around d your age, I s at playing and winning lways wonMost of my ma games? When tarted exhibi g When I would ic showed itself in the ting magical powers. f g cream before et sad, I would imagine orm of sugary sweets. a me, and like magic, POOF, giant bowl of ice there it was! When I turned school of wit 11 years old, I was acce p c ied long and hcraft and wizardry, and ted into Hogwarts, the hard to pursu f LOVE science. e my passions or 7 years I studand go to col So when it was time for . It turns out that I m l ence, specifi ege, I knew I DEFINITELY e to graduate Hogwarts cally biology wanted to stu she also real . ly likes scie And that is how I met y dy scilearned a lot ou nc of new things e. Under your mom’s ment r mom too! ors about science , and about m hip, I yself, Did you know t magical? I wa hat science is 90% scien ti s able to bri magic AND sci ng two parts fic, but also 10% e able to meet nce. And this sweet, dea of my world together, r, Emily, is you! Science gether. Meeti h a ng you was mo nd magic were what broug ow I was that has ever ht us tost definitely one of the b just so very happened to me. You are sweet, and ki est things magical in al to have you i n l n my life, an of your own ways. I am d, and you. I wish y so thankful d I just can’ o celebrate man u the happiest of birthd t imagine it without ays, and cann y more with y ot wait to ou. Love, Melissa

Editor-In-Chief & Divination Dept Head

Starflashfairy

Great Hall Managing Editor

Jefreem

Gryffindor Managing Editor & Human Resources Manager

Rissajo685

Hufflepuff Managing Editor & Classifieds Dept Head

L-ily

Ravenclaw Managing Editor & Entertainment Dept Head

Moostronus

Slytherin Managing Editor

Elbowsss

Production Manager & Art Dept Head

Mathy16

Web-Wizard

Dagrock

k s e D ’s r o t i d E e h T From the Desk of Madam Starflash Greetings, Dear Readers! n of The Quibbler!

tio Welcome to our second edi

Education of Quibbler Castle. Our ces offi the d un aro e tim tic differencThis has been a very hec ple have left due to, ahem, Peo a. ani Alb in t res Fo ck rous Charm. Editor got lost in the Bla s to overuse of the Sono nk tha es tim r fou ice vo es in opinion. I’ve lost my nk it’s love you all again, but I thi lessly about how much I end few on a ble say t ram jus ld I’ll cou I rt and sweet this time. So, for the best I keep this sho words. ! Tweak! Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment Thank you.

ite as big as last pared for you. It’s not qu We have a great issue pre oy. same love. Please enj time, but it’s made with the Don’t let the Muggles get

you down!

Madam Starflash

Crafts, Brews & Hobbies Dept Head & Payroll

Marx0r

Dark Arts Dept Head

MacabreGoblin

dakeirhtnanbe

eufnaheyahdneiehen

ytodpdjebaotjeo The Editors Deskq

iehendakeirhtnanto

tjeoeufnaheyahdne

ytodpdjebao The Editors Deskq

Entertainment Dept Head

Marsthemush Fashion Dept Head

Srslywtfdood

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Sparkas

News & Features Dept Head

theDUQofFRAT Sports Dept Head

Elphabaisfae Travel Dept Head

Black_Belt_Troy

THE QUIBBLER: NO. 34846 DECEMBER 2016 THIS ISSUE OF THE QUIBBLER WAS CREATED, WRITTEN, PRODUCED AND REVIEWED BY THE HOGWARTS STAFF AT /R/THEQUIBBLER. THIS ISSUE FEATURES ARTICLES THAT EXPOSE THE TRUTH. SELLING OVER 1,500,000 COPIES WITH OVER 29,000 DIFFERENT ISSUES, WE ARE THE WIZARDING WORLDâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S ALTERNATIVE VOICE AND REASON SINCE 1989. WE THANK YOU FOR READING AND PURCHASING OUR SMALL INDEPENDENT NEWS MAGAZINE

WELCOME TO THE VERY FIRST ISSUE OF THE QUIBBLER. BELOW IS AN OVERVIEW OF EVERYTHING YOU CAN FIND IN THIS ALL NEW EDITION OF THE QUIBBLER! WE HOPE YOU FIND THE EXPERIENCE BOTH ENLIGHTENING AND ENTERTAINING! THE BIGGEST STORIES FROM THE

FRONTPAGE:

14 Interview with Chamber the Cartridge 38 Hottest Styles this Holiday Season 56 Lockhartians Lock Hearts Again Lockhartian conflict with Ministry of Magic escalates. More inside!

NarglesAreBehindIt discovers the world of Magical Music!

Get ready to impress everyone with your sense of fashion! Read it now!

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BREAKING NEWS:

jfjsdjwfksfkljklwenjkfnzwdiewghiorndgknakflenifnsdnakhwroiuwehdnmd, News And Features. ................................ 08

Sports. ...................................................... 50

Travel....................................................... 18

Fashion..................................................... 54

Dark Arts................................................. 22

Crafts, Brews, And Hobbies.................... 58

Magical Plants And Creatures. ............. 27

Horror-Scopes......................................... 70

Divination................................................ 34

Puzzles And Games.................................. 71

Entertainment. ....................................... 38

Classifieds................................................ 75

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STAFF:

Editor-In-Chief: Starflashfairy Managing Editors: Jefreem, Elbowsss, L-ily, Moostronus, Rissajo685 Administration: Rissajo685, RoastedPeanut7, Marx0r, Mathy16, Csatvtftw, Thealtoid, Dagrock Art: Mathy16, ashlifires, Deanisbatman, glazier-heat, jakegiddensart, k9centipede, midnightdragon, monicam_art, pastelpurrfect, ravenclawdash, Redpythongoon, tg1815, witchunicorn Classifieds: L-ily Crafts, Brews, & Hobbies: Marx0r, emojiravenpuff, fondofowls, freckles42, gadgetroid, Mathias_Greyjoy, strangerthingys Dark Arts: MacabreGoblin, Mrrrrh, slytherw1n_, Divination: Starflashfairy, aberthy Entertainment: Marsthemush, kyera, mcj545, nargles_arebehindit Fashion: Srslywtfdood, Maritown, Stripperkitty Magical Plants & Creatures: Sparkas, Amethyst93, prominis, xboxg4mer News & Features: Theduqoffrat, brosefstalin98, ccalipha, chiaKmc, edihau, HellishMinds, HelloIamHawt Sports: BriantheBrilliant, DEP61, Hester_Prynnes_Pride, Sinsational_V Travel: Black_Belt_Troy, Haady Freelance: alexicon1, aurthurallan, BodhiGMK, capitolsara, dancingonfire, eldis_, Era626, Hourglass-Dolphin, K1LL3RP3NNY, LadyTenille, kiwias, littleotterpop, metalkeirsolid, ProfaneTank, readlovegrow, Roshielle, VeganGamerr Contributors: atibabykt, blackbeltbob, curae, hyperwackodragon, ickleronnie_, kaloethes, kemistreekat, rackik, seekaterun

QUIBBLER NEWS & FEATURES BY CAPITOLSARA

Muggles in St. Mungo's?

FACT OR FICTION A

recent rumour has been running up and down the halls of St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries: the hospital is getting ready to accept its first muggle patients. Up until now, St. Mungo’s has been strictly a magical hospital, meaning that only witches and wizards could find treatment for their magical injuries there. In recent years some muggles have been seen by St. Mungo staff when they come across a stray jinx or hex and St. Mungo’s darker history has seen some squibs come in for “re-magification therapy.” But now the hospital is set to open its doors to muggles in the know. In response to a petition submitted to the Department for Magical Laws and Petitions, Minister for Magic Kingsley Shacklebolt left it to the newly elected legislatures to create a solution for muggles who marry into wizarding families to be afforded the same rights as their magical spouses. Rights such as greater access to healthcare it seems. “It is unfair that muggles weren’t provided the same opportunities for treatment. Our healers and mediwitches are incredibly skilled and we at the Ministry see no reason for them to deny service to anyone,” the leader of the petition, theDUQofFRAT commented. Spokesperson for St. Mungo’s, Rutherford Pokem was not quite as 8

enthusiastic. “It is on a case by case basis!” He shouted down to reporters from the leading wizard journals. “In situations where magic may help heal a muggle we will be testing – we will be seeing,” he continued to sputter along this vein for some time before finally relenting; “Nothing is official yet!” “Nothing is official yet” are the words this journalist has been hearing a lot these days. The wizarding community is in an uproar over muggles being treated at St. Mungo’s, though it probably isn’t for reasons you’d expect. “The muggles are fine,” Miranda Cross said as we sat in the waiting room of the hospital’s maternity ward. “I don’t want to sound prejudiced but I worry about their safety. Magical remedies have never been tested on muggles, we don’t yet know how their bodies would react. “Now, I am not a healer by any stretch the means [Cross is a doula, a birthing assistant not affiliated with the hospital] but muggle bodies work differently than magical ones, that is a fact.” Though Cross does not believe herself to be a credible source, she has spent her career employing muggle practices on magical bodies. Regardless, Healer Miriam Strout agrees with her. “It’s patient welfare I am concerned about,” she said as we sat for tea on the Janus Thickey Ward.

“I see the very worst that magic has to offer, I have treated squibs with permanent brain damage from an overzealous parent who thought they were doing the right thing. I worry what effect magic could have on the muggle body. Sometimes medicine gets so caught up in fixing the problem we don’t stop to think if we should.” These concerns, however, seem unfounded for some. “I’ve seen plenty of muggles treated for magical injuries,” Arthur Weasley, Head of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office said in defense of the petition being expanded to healthcare. “It is a blatant wrongness in our healthcare system that wizards and witches who work in magical employment cannot provide treatment for their spouses and non-magical children. I am not necessarily saying that a healer must be the one to perform procedures but isn’t it high time that muggles receive a commiserate level of healing as wizards? Isn’t it time a ward for muggles, perhaps with their own doctors with needles and stitches, be created?” Isn’t it high time indeed, Mr. Weasley. This reporter cannot yet comment on the rumors of how long the program will last or, in fact, how it will be instituted, but there seem to be big changes in store for the hospital in the coming year. And I am sure I speak for the wizarding world when I say we all be keep an eye on it.

NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER

AMERICAN MUGGLES UP IN ARMS OVER NEW PRESIDENT BY: U/K1LL3RP3NNY

The date is 9th November, the election season watched and studied around the world is finally, graciously, completed. The Muggles of America have spoken and elected a new head of state. Billionaire Donald Trump, known throughout the muggle and wizarding world alike has now laid claim to The White House. A man who has been attributed to the likes of the Dark Lord Voldemort, someone not seen in decades, and not anticipated for the day and age of today’s society. Young muggles in America fought hard to keep him out of the White House, but ultimately failed, as Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton failed to perform. Unlike her husband, former United States President Bill Clinton, who performed very well in the Oval Office with an intern.

member of every race, sexuality and way of life.Trump has threatened on numerous occasions to deport the magical beings of America, and also intends to build a wall to aid in his tightly held noose on immigration and foreign policy.

What this means for the future of American Wizards and Muggles alike is currently unknown, but as someone who acknowledges the existence of magical beings in America, and stands vehemently against them, it is bound to be disastrous for every

The only hope, however, is that we as a society live to see its end, because if he has his way, we won’t. Change is on the horizon, my dear readers, and I pray that we all be prepared for it, whatever comes our way.

As a collective whole, the magical societies of the world draw a breath, waiting nervously for that which unfolds. A presidency such as this, threatens the world. A world which, according to the President-elect, should be American centered; as repentance for all the “wrongs” they’ve had committed against them. The world, however, must now stand by and wait, watch and see all that waits for us.

QUIBBLER NEWS & FEATURES

Pranking Scrooges Fail to Ruin Season Whether you intend to carol cheerily around the neighborhood, participate in a rousing charmed-snowball fight, or stay inside to make delicious treacle pudding, keep the theme of goodwill in mind this holiday season. The spirit of the season only lives on as long as magical folk uphold the standards of human kindness and happiness. While most witches and wizards do a bang-up job of helping out one another (as well as Muggles), there remain a few who live up to the title of Magical Scrooges. These Christmas-killers refrain from joining in the fun of Gobstones played on the rug and fudge eaten by the hearth. The Scrooges usually turn to more wicked pastimes involving ruining others’ good cheer. Several incidents of exploding gifts and over-excited fireplaces (achieved through simple charms and curses sent through Floo Powder) have been reported, and the Ministry is taking the situation extremely seriously. “What the average pranking wizard doesn’t understand,” says Misuse of Muggle Artifacts employee Jacob Jay, “is that the holidays are a time representing peace and togetherness for the entire population, including the Muggles. Most magic-practicing families can take these sorts of ‘pranks’ in stride, but the poor Muggles don’t understand what’s going on, and we’ve seen several incidents involving Christmas trees refusing 10

to be ornamented and snowmen coming to life. If this keeps up, it’s easy to see how much trouble could be caused if Muggles especially are continued to be targeted.”

that “all of my children know that Hanukkah is family time. They would never go around cursing poor Muggles’ family decorations and presents like those nasty” [here Heathstone began naming several rather unsavory local troublemakers, whom we have censored for anonymity]. “After what happened to my daughter’s Kneazle, I don’t think I’d feel safe anywhere but locked in my own home for the holiday.” Mrs. Heathstone continued to provide numerous examples of juvenile pranks and injustices that have happened to her family over the past three months. It’s sufficient to say that, no matter what neighborhood you live in, there’s always a possibility that some conniving wizard is out there, ready to ruin your school break.

Certainly, the focus on Muggle abuse is disheartening to see, especially when the majority of the wizarding population is so adorned with good spirits. Mrs. Hank Heath- Written by LadyTenile stone, of Southern Wales, claims

NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER

ScrivenShaft’s Plea to Students BY LADYTENILE Though most students visit home during the holidays, many choose to remain in school and enjoy the company of their friends for the season. Though this can be fun and result in merry memories for years to come, certain members of the community urge students to remember their family back home and to, at the very least, send a letter home. ScrivenShaft worker Plectum Aldin claims to see the same sad occurrence every year about this time in the season. “At the beginning of the year, our quills sell like mad, and our stationery doesn’t do half-bad either. ScrivenShafts is usually packed by Hogwarts students, and we frequently have to restock our most popular writing implements. Once they go off to school however, we rarely receive any orders, local or international, and around the holidays when we stock our favorite Yuletide stationary and quills (that sing carols on demand), student visits are near nonexistent. Most would rather visit Honeydukes or Weasley Wizard Wheezes than our cozy little writing shop. Being a parent myself, I know I love seeing my little second-year’s account of how his life is going every once in awhile, during the holidays especially, and knowing that few other parents receive that same pleasure is quite saddening.” Aldin spent about two hours continuing on why students should write home more often, punctuated with frequent references to his own products. His message of familial love rings true in the hearts of many, and his humble request to students, or any estranged family members, should be taken seriously. These months are a time for family, and no matter the circumstances, everyone should feel the happiness of receiving an owl bringing messages of holiday tidings and love.

QUIBBLER NEWS & FEATURES

LAW ENFORCEMENT REPORTS The Head of Magical Law Enforcement noted that recent events have been less severe and he is happy to report that crime is declining. The London area is safer than ever. Please be reminded that at no time should any Witch or Wizard perform magic in front of a Muggle. MAGICAL LAW ENFORCEMENT PATROL ◊ DEC 12 3:00AM- Magically created snowman attacked children in Hogsmeade playground. Patrol melts snowman. ◊ DEC 24 2:09 AM- Man dressed in strange red and white muggle clothes is found stuck in a Diagon alley resident’s chimney. Attempted burglary. ◊ DEC 25 3:10AM- Weasley Wizarding Wheezes shipment lost en route to Hogsmeade. Snarky talking candy canes found in nearby Muggle community. ◊ DEC 26 4:09PM- Vengeful talking gingerbread man appears in Diagon alley. Is missing half an arm. Promptly eaten with milk. MISUSE OF MUGGLE ARTIFACTS ◊ Dec 1 4:08 AM -Wizard enrolls in “Best Christmas Decorations” contest. Illegally tinkers with muggle artifacts.

Taken in for questioning. ◊ Dec 5 9:01PM- Wizard charms doorbell to yell obscenities at Christmas carollers. Frightens young muggle children. Cited for misuse of muggle items. ◊ DEC 24 11:30PM- Muggles spot illegal flying sleigh; Muggle news has it deemed as a “Christmas miracle” DEPARTMENT OF INTOXICATING SUBSTANCES ◊ DEC 23 1:00AM- House elves found fighting outside of Smiling Winky’s after imbibing very strong eggnog. Spend night in jail. ◊ DEC 12 3:00PM- Stressed Hogwarts student takes too much calming draught during exams. Rushed to St. Mungo’s

◊ DEC 21 05:32 AM- Wizard attempts illegal animagus transformation. Is found in home by wife as a squirrel. Taken to St. Mungo’s DEPARTMENT FOR THE REGULATION AND CONTROL OF MAGICAL CREATURES ◊ DEC 13 6:09AM -“Ekeltricity” goes out in local muggle community. Chizpurfle infestation found to be the cause. ◊ DEC 16 4:59 AM- Lost Giant tramples home in a muggle town. Giant taken back to Giant colony and muggles are confunded to believe it was an “EARTHQUAKE.” DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES

IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC OFFICE

◊ Seven magical brains have escaped the department of mysteries and the ministry as a whole. Search is still underway.

◊ DEC 12 4:32 PM - Hogwarts student trampled by holiday shopper accidentally transfigured into hippogriff in Hogsmeade.

◊ Another lost ministry intern went through the veil. Friends and family were told he got killed while dealing with a Norwegian Horntail.

M 12

GICAL LAW MA E

EMENT * RC FO N

EPARTME * D NT

The Minister of Magic and The Head of Magical Law Enforcement would like to thank the Auror Headquarters, Wizengamot Administration Services, Administrative Registration Department, Hit Wizards, Investigation Department, Ministry of Magic Witch Watchers, Office for the Detection and Confiscation of Counterfeit Defensive E O DI Spells, and all others that keep our world safe. A D I VISI OF

INSERT QUIBBLER

QUIBBLER NEWS & FEATURES

Gilderoy Lockhart (right), born January 26th in 1964 was a best-selling author and professor Defence Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This photograph was found in the Editor-In-Chief's personal collection Quibbler Archives. He is pictured with world-famous wizard and auror, Harry Potter (left) during his Hogwarts years. Sources tell us they were great friends. 14

NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER

BY PROMINIS

Lockhartians Lock Hearts Once More Last week, negotiations fell flat between the Ministry of Magic and the Lockhartians, a fan club for the famous Gilderoy Lockhart, author of eleven bestsellers before his unfortunate accident. Composed almost entirely of middle-aged witches, the Lockhartians continued their abstinence of all things in lieu of their demands. Spearheaded by Gladys Desmoda, the fan group parleyed with Ministry officials from dawn until dusk for three days to no avail. It had been half a year since the Lockhartians engaged in a new tribute for their 24th anniversary of mourning in respect for the excellent wizard Gilderoy Lockhart once was: a fasting of all responsibilities, wants, and needs bar one. Until Gilderoy Lockhart received the Order of Merlin First Class posthumously, similar to the late Remus Lupin, the fan group insisted they would drag on their protest, to the chagrin of spouses, employers, and children.

Merlin First Class on two accounts: firstly; Lockhart was and is not deceased, and secondly; the contrast in contributions between Lockhart and other recipients like the late Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore were ruled too vast.

“It’s unfortunate,” a ministry speaker stated, “but we will keep trying. The Ministry may only grant the Order of Merlin First Class based on merit, not popularity. We cannot belittle the value of our most respectThe Ministry, under the pres- ed title.” sure of countless letters from The Ministry refused to anmarried wizards and having swer any of The Quibbler’s lost a fair number of witches owls on what it was the Ministhemselves, sent out a request try would try, or to what extent for civil discussion. This cul- they would give into the Lockminated into the talks held hartians’ demands. They also last week, where the Ministry ignored any mention of Corsent its best and brightest to nelius Fudge, a former Mintalk with Gladys Desmoda and ister of Magic who bestowed other leaders, namely Michelle upon himself the Order of Frank and Veronica Smethley. Merlin First Class, and was The Ministry’s goal was to known to us at The Quibbler convince the Lockhartians as the Goblin Crusher. to cease their asceticism, and return to their daily jobs and lives, public and private. They did not, however, wish to grant the lauded Lockhart the First Class designation. The Ministry deigned that Gilderoy Lockhart’s accomplishments did not warrant the Order of

The Lockhartians though, were a few decades behind— Gilderoy Lockhart’s prime was in the grace period after the first rising of Voldemort—but they maintained their stance that they were merely attempting to give closure to the man Lockhart was prior to his stay

at St. Mungo’s. “He’s a hero and we’re not remembering his legacy,” Desmoda told The Quibbler. “We remember Harry Potter, the boy-who-lived, but we’re forgetting the man-who-smiled! Justice for Gilderoy Lockhart, the man-who-smiled!” While some may balk at the idea of comparing Harry Potter to Gilderoy Lockhart, it remains true that both were distinguished individuals who underwent numerous adventures, serving as the main character to many a story. However, the point in question is not whether the two figures are similar, but rather whether they are equals in their contributions to wizarding society. If so, then it would be reasonable to ask that the two have comparable recognition in the media and other mediums. At the end of it all, Wizarding Britain must pause to consider to whom we owe ouryears of peace: the boy-who-lived; Harry Potter, or the man-whosmiled; Gilderoy Lockhart. The talks resume on the Winter Solstice, a most auspicious day for decisions. Let us all, regardless of beliefs, hope that any change will be for the better. 15

QUIBBLER NEWS & FEATURES

K9CENTIPEDE IS

ANALYZING ASSIGNMENTS OF /R/HARRYPOTTER

Every month, the fine mods and professors of /r/HarryPotter bring to the students a variety of assignments, activities, and challenges. Here is an Analysis of those from August, September, and October!

AUGUST MAIN ASSIGNMENT PROFESSORS

Students were to write up applications and bios of Guest Lectures and New Professors at Hogwarts! 58 students participated (11 Gryffindors, 19 Hufflepuffs, 10 Ravenclaws, and 18 Slytherins) with 1787 house points were split between them all.

EXTRA CREDITS DRAMA CLUB

For the Drama Club, students had 4 different Wizarding Plays they could participate in (Roonil Wazlib, Muggle of Hogwarts, An Eagle Wedding, and Madam Malkins!), submitting texts, images, audio recordings, and videos! 26 students participated (7 Gryffindors, 10 Hufflepuffs, 5 Ravenclaws, 3 Slytherins) with 350 House Points split between them all.

PATRONUS CHARMS For the Patronus Charms Lesson, students submitted images of their own patronus animals. And then collected Happy Thought submissions from other students! 285 students participated (38 Gryffindors, 143 Hufflepuffs, 29 Ravenclaws, and 75 Slytherins) with 425 House Points split between them!

NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER

SEPTEMBER MAIN ASSIGNMENT HERBOLOGY RESCUE!

Students were to write up a catalog entry for a magical plant and itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s medicinal qualities. 49 students participated (13 Gryffindors, 8 Hufflepuffs, 7 Ravenclaws, and 20 Slytherins) with 1135 house points were split between them all.

EXTRA CREDITS

CHOCOLATE FROG CARDS For the Chocolate Frog Cards, students worked together to create chocolate frogs. And then had a logic puzzle of purchase them at a shop, trying to get the best combination of cards! 115 students participated (23 Gryffindors, 43 Hufflepuffs, 16 Ravenclaws, 34 Slytherins) with 398 House Points split between them all.

CONSTELLATION For the Constellation Assignment, students worked together to create new Constellations! 14 students participated (3 Gryffindors, 3 Hufflepuffs, 2 Ravenclaws, 6 Slytherins) with 302 House Points split between them all

OCTOBER MAIN ASSIGNMENT

FANTASTIC BEASTS (PART 1) Students were to write up entries about creatures for the new edition of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them! 46 students participated (11 Gryffindors, 13 Hufflepuffs, 9 Ravenclaws, and 13 Slytherins) with 1125 house points were split between them all.

EXTRA CREDITS BOOK BURNING

For the Book Burnings, students placed bets and votes on the 7 books of the HP series, ranking them from the worst book to the best book. 258 students participated (88 Gryffindors, 46 Hufflepuffs, 88 Ravenclaws, 35 Slytherins), with 300 House Points split between them all.

POTIONS BREWING For Potions Brewing, students submitted theoretical and practical potions assignments. 32 students participated (12 Gryffindors, 7 Hufflepuffs, 8 Ravenclaws, and 7 Slytherins), with 334 House Points split between them!

QUIBBLER TRAVEL

Muggle Winter Festivals

WRITTEN BY MACABREGOBLIN The winter holidays are just round the corner! You’re probably scouting destinations, weighing pros and cons, and finalizing your plans for the snowy season.

erhaps you’ll be heading to Diagon Alley for the annual Goblin Nativity Play, or visiting your local pitch for a game of Reindeer Quidditch. What you probably aren’t planning is a trip to a Muggle winter festival. If I’ve learnt anything about Muggles it’s that they love a good festival. And what easier time to blend in with a crowd of Muggles than when they’re dressed in wacky festival gear? Take my advice: this winter, take a proper break from the same old wizarding stomping grounds and experience the closest Muggle approximation of magic.

LUX HELSINKI

Imagine, if you will, Finland in early January. Snow drifts lazily down from the heavens, blanketing the squares and dusting the buildings. What a perfect canvas, begging to be filled with art! Any witch or wizard who’s ever had a bit too much Dumble Rum at Christmas and conducted an overenthusiastic sparks performance in the garden knows how lovely colorful lights look against pristine snow. Now imagine the same effect, only instead of your garden it’s the beautiful, historic city of Helsinki - and instead of a few meager sparks shot from your wand, the snow is illuminated with eckeltrickal lights designed by Muggle artists from all over the world. While it’s true that we have a better understanding of eckeltricity now than we ever had before (thanks to pioneering wizards like Arthur Weasley), we still don’t completely understand the technique. Eckeltricity is almost as mysterious to wizards as magic would be to a Muggle. Spend your holiday in awe with a visit to the Lux Helsinki festival!

TRAVEL QUIBBLER

SAPPORO SNOW FESTIVAL ANCHORAGE FUR RENDEZVOUS

Witches and wizards are often puzzled by the feats Muggles accomplish without magic. The Sapporo Snow Festival is an excellent example of such accomplishments. Taking place in February in Sapporo, Japan, the festival is known for its incredible snow sculptures. Some are familiar mainstays like snowmen, but some are enormous snow palaces and pop culture characters depicted so realistically that you will strongly suspect

magical influence. I have personally verified that no magic is used in these snow sculptures, however. No, it’s good old-fashioned Muggle elbow lard! Stop by the Sapporo Snow Festival this February to experience a Muggle winter wonderland!

You might feel the most at home at the Anchorage Fur Rendezvous. Taking place in Alaska in late February, this festival is comprised more of events than artistic spectacles. One such event is the Frostbite Footrace, during which runners race through the streets of Anchorage dressed in all manner of costumes. Even the most Muggle-attire-challenged wizard would look right at home here. Other events include ice-skating competitions, a charity ball, a carnival, a parade, and the World Ice Bowling championship. There is also an snow sculpture competition, but that might fall flat after having been to Sapporo or Harbin.

HARBIN FESTIVAL This festival takes place in February in Harbin, China. It combines the best of both previously mentioned festivals: insanely incredible snow and ice sculptures combined with beautiful light displays to create a magical city of glowing edifices. If the amazing art isn’t quite enough for you, there are all manner of holiday packages available. They include a Muggle activity called skiing, dog-sledding, and snowmobiling (which is like dog-sledding, but there are no dogs and the sled is eckeltrickally powered). I hear the ice fishing is also excellent, but due to an unfortunate incident with a perch I’m no longer legally allowed to fish.

So will you be adventurous this winter? If you visit any of the places we’ve mentioned, send us an owl and let us know how it went!

QUIBBLER TRAVEL

Macabregoblin presents

7 Winter Travel Tips The winter holidays are coming up, and we’ll all be doing a lot of traveling. Visiting family, going on holiday, fleeing the country after an ill-advised tryst with a goblin...whatever the reason, we all travel in the winter. Due to the ever increasing number of travel accidents, The Quibbler wishes to provide you with the tools to stay safe in your travels. In that spirit, we present you with a list of Winter Travel Safety Tips, which have all been tested and approved by the Department of Magical Transportation.

Ensure that you are using Floo Powder in accordance with the provided instructions. Each year the Department of Magical Transportation reports hundreds of injuries resulting from improper use of Floo Powder. As we all know, it’s difficult to use too much Floo Powder. However, frugal witches and wizards often try to get away with using much less Floo Powder than is recommended. This results in the heat-dampening components of the powder failing to adequately cool the destination fireplace, which leads to unfortunate burns and blisters. Remember the motto: In a pinch, a pinch won’t do when you’re traveling via Floo!

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Keep your broom indoors. We won’t get too much into broom care here, but you should know that prolonged exposure to moisture and cold is bad for your broom. Keep your broom inside where it’s warm. If you take good care of your broom, your broom will take good care of you!

Don’t ride your broom in bad weather. At one point or another we’ve all fancied ourselves Quidditch players. Professional Quidditch players have to perform in all sorts of weather, from sleet and hail to blizzards and hurricanes. But remember, you are not a Quidditch player. You have not trained to handle a broom in the most adverse conditions. If the weather is bad, choose another mode of transportation!

TRAVEL QUIBBLER

Make sure your portkey is Ministry-approved. The Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes sees no end of injuries caused by unlicensed portkeys. The charms involved in making a portkey are incredibly sophisticated. Your cousin Barnabus may think he’s made an adequate portkey, but he probably hasn’t. Don’t risk being Splinched!

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Apparate with care. Use your best judgement and try to Apparate indoors when possible. 50% of witches and wizards know someone who has Apparated onto an ice patch, or has done so themselves. Avoid Apparition-related injuries by knowing your precise destination and visiting it ahead of time. Always let someone know when you’re traveling. In the event of a travel accident or mishap, it’s very helpful to have someone know where you’ve gone and when you should be expected back. Roughly 46% of annual disappearances are thought to be travel-related. If you haven’t got a friend or relative, you can always send an owl to the Department of Magical Transportation: Safe Navigation Office.

Keep your walkways clear. Safe travel starts at home. There are a number of potions, powders, sprinkles and spells to de-ice your walkways - use one! Avoid injuring yourself before you’ve even left your garden.

QUIBBLER DARK ARTS

ELBOWSSS WARNS

ZOMBIE OU Quibbler’s Zombie Survival Guide

1 Do not go outside. beer. The water may be 2 Drink contaminated. sure your doors are 3 Make locked. Zombies have weak fingers.

try to befriend the 4 Maybe zombies? They might be

cranky because they are lonely.

can find fiber and protein 5 You to nourish you in your own

home! Check for mice or cockroaches in your basement, fluff from the stuffing in your furniture and grass in your backyard, if you can reach it from your boarded up windows!

worry about being loud 6 Don’t Zombies are deaf! Probably! that ACCIDENTS 7 Remember HAPPEN AND NO ONE IS TO BLAME FOR THIS.

DARK ARTS QUIBBLER

UTBREAK! I did not decide to visit a cemetery on October 31st this year. I have never found a book with strange runes and a strange title (Raising the Dead and Other Party Tricks!). I would not taken this book with me, even if I DID visit a cemetery. I am not one to let curiosity get the best of me, and I certainly do not ever feel the need to validate my skepticism by going through with tasks that others might find questionable and irresponsible. I don’t like standing in front of a mirror in the dark and saying “Bloody Mary” three times to prove that no one will appear and kill me, I don’t ever dare ghosts to haunt me because I could totally beat them up, and I never EVER leave raw meat out on a full moon in order to confirm that no werewolves are in the woods. What I am trying to say is that this book did NOT find its way into my backpack, and I did not take this backpack out for a midnight stroll on a night when the spirit realm is said to be closer than any other night of the year. This book requests that it be laid in the dead center of a cemetery, but of

course I didn’t do this. I would never place my wand in the center of a rune that I did not draw on the ground with blood from a goat that was alive when I never arrived.

It’s odd that there was no rain forecast for the evening, yet seven bolts still struck somewhere within the cemetery What an unusual phenomenon that was not caused by me!

Of course that didn’t happen, because I didn’t go.

I would never have sat in the middle of a cemetery with an army of zombies rising around me. If I did, I wouldn’t have screamed and dropped the goat’s heart that was not in my hands. You’re right that I was seen retrieving my wand from the cemetery the next day, but I couldn’t tell you how it got there.

There are words in this strange book that I refuse to say aloud, so they did not leave my lips while I sat in the dark by myself with a now immobile goat. The ground did not tremble - or if it did, I can assure you that I was not the one that caused it! No hands punched and tore their way through the dirt, and no bony bodies in various states of decomposition pulled themselves onto the ground. Yes, I DID hear that that particular cemetery has strangely been closed. I have not missed the rumors that the mausoleums have all cracked open and are completely irreparable.

All I am saying is this: someone messed up, and it absolutely was NOT me. I couldn’t tell you why there are zombies downtown, but I suggest you all lock your doors and wait it out. I don’t really know how long it will take for the spell to wear off, but I’d imagine that this book I do not own says something like 12 weeks.

QUIBBLER DARK ARTS

Death eaters BY VEGANGAMERR

Everyone wants to love a Death Eater, Knowing forbidden fruit is much sweeter. Sure, they may all be rather bad, But isn't that in itself really quite rad? Not afraid to cast Avada Kedavra, All the while, they'll only go HA! You don't want to be their foe, Dark alleys they walk, you won't go. But still, you innocent dove, Keep chasing sinister love. Come join the darker side, Guaranteed to be a fun ride.

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QUIBBLER DARK ARTS

Quintapeds and their quarrelsome nature Many dark and dangerous creatures dwell within our world, dear reader, today I am going to inform you about the Quintaped, I’m going to tell you a story about a very special group of Quintapeds (the only known ones in existence) and I’m going to tell you how you can use them for your nefarious purposes, oh, oh, eh, I mean, what I meant to say was I’m going to tell you how you can defend yourself against them, yes that’s right, just forget about that other thing. OK, so first off what is a Quintaped? Well, I’ll tell you, a Quintaped, you see, is a highly dangerous carnivorous beast with a particular taste for humans. Its low– slung body is covered with thick reddish–brown hair, as are its five legs, each of which ends in a clubfoot (for more info, please consult your pocket copy of ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them’ as much of what I’m going to write about is taken from the pages of said book). I also hear you ask, ‘if these things are so dangerous, then how come I’ve never heard of them?’ I have an answer to that too (I’m just full of answers aren’t I?). Quintapeds are actually pretty rare creatures, as I stated above; there is only one known group of the beasts in existence, and they can be found only upon the isle of Drear, one of the many small islands off the coast of Scotland. Legend tells us (although we should never trust her because she is a liar and she still owes me three galleons from a bet we made!) that the Isle of Drear was once populated by two wizarding families: The McCliverts and the MacBoons. A drunken wizarding duel between Dugald, chief of the clan McClivert, and Quintius, head of the clan MacBoon, is supposed to have led to the death of Dugald. In retaliation, so the story has it, a gang of McCliverts surrounded the MacBoon dwellings one night and Transfigured each and every Mac26

Boon into a monstrous five–legged creature, now known as the Quintaped (or ‘Hairy Macboons’). However, it was only too late that the McCliverts realised their mistake for the MacBoons were infinitely more dangerous in this state than they had been in their human form. Moreover, the MacBoons resisted every attempt to turn them back into human form. The monsters killed every last one of the McCliverts until no human remained on the island. It was only then that the MacBoon monsters realised that in the absence of anyone to wield a wand, they would be forced to remain as they were for evermore. Whether this tale is true or not will never be known. Certainly there are no surviving McCliverts or MacBoons to tell us what happened to their ancestors. The Quintapeds cannot talk and have strenuously resisted every attempt by the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures to capture a specimen and try to Untransfigure it, so we must assume that if they are indeed, as their nickname suggests, Hairy MacBoons, they are quite happy to live out their days as beasts. So, how can you use the creatures for your dark ar- I mean for science? Well, if you are a competent witch or wizard and aren’t afraid of being eaten alive by a five-legged

monster then you can travel to the Isle of Drear and attempt to capture one of the beasts. When you have one in your possession you can use it for any number of things, namely torture, murder, or… sacrific- I mean scientific research, such as trying to Untransfigure it. I will now cover the mandatory self-defence paragraph, let’s just get this done with. How can you defend against them should you ever, unlikely as it may be, find yourself faced with one of the beasts? Well you have a few options, you could attempt to stun the creature, however, due to lack of previous research you may find that this does not work as well as one might hope. You could always take the coward's route and runaway, or Disapparate. Whatever happens, do us a favour and send us an owl to let us know, unless of course you do indeed capture one but you use it for dark purposes, in which case keep it to yourself, while we’d love to hear what you have to say the ministry isn’t too happy when that sort of stuff arises. WRITTEN BY XBOXG4MER

MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES QUIBBLER

MUCH ADO ABOUT

Nargles

XBOXG4MER WRITES: Have

you ever sat something down, your wand perhaps, only to dis-

cover soon after that it was missing?

Have

you ever been compelled to grab someone and

kiss them right on the lips when you’ve stood underneath some mistletoe?

Have you ever Humpty Dumpty (a “fictional” muggle character in a nursery rhyme) is an egg? Well, dear reader, two of these three things are connected and I will explain how in just a moment. noticed how it is never stated that

With Christmas (and other festivities) right around the corner we here at the Quibbler know you are probably tired of all of the hustle and bustle that comes with this most beautiful season and hope you will take a moment to relax and read, in shock I expect, about the truth behind nargles. Why am I writing about nargles? Well, they are known to infest mistletoe and mistletoe is a plant which has become associated with this time of year. Before I reveal this most shocking truth, I must give some context. First of all, I will explain to all what a nargle actually is. A nargle, my friend, is a small creature. They are difficult to see and are commonly known to infest mistletoe (more on that later). But what most people know about nargles is that they make excellent thieves. When you lose your keys, or you lose your wand or you sit something down only to realise it has vanished you can be sure it was either nargles or borrowers, though it was very likely nargles. Why do they infest mistletoe? This has been the question asked by many and I, being a wonderful magizoologist (if I do say so myself), have discovered the answer to this question which has been at the forefront of everyone’s mind for goodness knows how many years now! The answer will surely shock you, so without further ado I will reveal it to you. My findings suggest that before they began infesting mistletoe, nargles infested daisies, this didn’t work for them so they tried infesting evergreens, again this didn’t work for them and I shall explain why very soon. They searched and they searched but no matter what plant they chose to infest they were never able to achieve

their goals. Eventually they discovered mistletoe. Mistletoe was special because it was hung from ceilings and not sitting on the ground or in a pot like the other plants they had sampled. This was significant to the nargles purely because us witches and wizards had to walk underneath it. Nargles, being the crafty little buggers that they are, enchanted the mistletoe with a small “love” incantation. This made it so that anyone who stepped underneath some mistletoe would be overcome with an unquenchable desire to kiss the person opposite them. Merlin’s Beard! Why would nargles want people to kiss one another? Must I explain everything?! Nargles did this for a very obvious reason: they wanted us to kiss one another so that they might have a moment to leave the mistletoe and quickly snatch up a few of your knick-knacks and doo-dads. So, can you now see why daisies and evergreens and other such plants never worked? NO?! You could stand near them but you would never be under them, now would you? And so their little incantation would not affect you. They may be small but you have to hand it to the impish little pests, they know how to distract you. I mean think really hard, have you ever even seen a nargle? No!? That’s exactly what I expected, they have gotten so good at what they do that they are able to sneak around your home and snatch up your stuff without you ever even batting an eye! I hope you will now be on the lookout for any mistletoe and if you are even half smart you will surely avoid it. 27

QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES

Mathias_Greyjoy

MY RUMBLE WITH

THE ROUGAROU A

muddy road rose up to greet me as I made my way through the forest. This October night was bitter cold, a low rumble signaled an oncoming storm, it could barely be heard through the din of the forest, frogs croaking, trees rustling and birds swooping high above me.

“Stuck in a forest late at night” I thought to myself, “not my finest decision.” I drew my traveling cloak tighter around me. Why was I making my way through a Louisianan swamp in the middle of the night? Well, let me explain. A couple of months ago I decided to venture through the United States searching for new woods for my wands, and possibly new cores collected from Creatures I encountered. Louisiana was my first stop; I arrived by boat a couple of weeks ago, and found it quite a challenge to find any signs of the Wizarding community here. Finally, I came across a little village with a few Wizarding families residing there, one of whom owned an inn called the “Merry Mayhaw”. The locals were welcoming enough. The inn was cozy and the food very good (although a little foreign to me). It was the first night of my stay that I found myself in the bar of the inn, and sat myself down with a group of locals. I pulled out my pipe and lit it with my wand. A middle-aged man named “Claude” introduced himself to me; we got to talking, but as I explained my reasons for traveling through he became cold towards me. In a voice louder than I would have liked he told me to “stay away from the woods;” this caused a number of other locals to poke their heads in our conversation and warn me not to venture into the wilderness. Embarrassed, and slightly frustrated, I told them I had probably been through worse. 28

I was just beginning to tell one of my stories from my adventures in the Black Forest when an old man, who was thin, but strangely strong for his age took hold of my wrist, and in a low voice suggested I stop before I made some enemies. I was crestfallen, and bid them goodnight, returning to my room.

back up to his face. “So tell me, what’s with all the uproar in this village? People aren’t keen on me exploring, it would seem.” The Old man betrayed a smile behind his thick gnarled beard. “Well they say there's Monsters in that forest.” “Monsters?!” I say excitedly, “what kind?” “You should go find out lad!” Albéric chuckles. “You seem to be made I paced around for a time in my room, of sterner stuff than most in this vilorganized my equipment, and fruitlessly lage. He looks at me, studying me with tried to forget this experience; I was piercing electric blue eyes; I suddenly determined to explore the swamps and become uncomfortable, noticing for the forests, and a bunch of paranoid locals first time just how crazy this man looks. weren’t going to stop me. As I walked But it’s good to have someone backing down the stairs I noticed the old man you up none-the-less, even if he may was still sitting in the bar, smoking his have gotten cursed one too many times. pipe in front of the fire. I paused for a I smiled at him, and announced I would moment on the landing, then crossed venture out later that week. the room to the man and asked if I could sit next to him; he obliged me, A few days passed by; I studied the local and so I sat. dogwood, mayhaw and swamp cypress trees, and visited the local wizard shops, After some silence, I asked his name; in purchasing supplies for my trip. I frea quiet voice he told me his name was quented the bar of the Merry Mayhaw Albéric. I told him I was a wandmakoften, and spent hours poring over maps er and he found great interest in that. and deciding where to go next. I never Albéric told me he was a retired curse saw Albéric after that first night; perhaps breaker for M.A.C.U.S.A. which I in he had been a figment of my imaginaturn found great interest in. The man tion? I chuckled to myself, shuffling my wasn’t keen on talking about his job maps, and folding them up. One of the however, and I didn’t want to upset him. tenants of the bar was playing the old I watched him for a moment, studying piano from the next room; as I made his face, which the light from the firemy way to the dining area, the delicious place was lighting up; it was scarred and smell of some kind of roast entered my rugged. I moved my gaze down towards nose, the music and the smells somehow his hands, which were equally scarred. gave me courage, and I decided I would Not wanting to stare I moved my gaze venture out tomorrow.

MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES QUIBBLER The next day didn’t go nearly as well as I had hoped. I woke up to light rain and a dark, grey sky; a piercing cold wind blew through the village. I paid the landlord and left; I stopped in a little No-Maj shop and purchased a thick charcoal grey wool scarf. Not wanting to draw unwanted No-Maj attention I waited until I was outside of the Village before pulling out my traveling cloak and hat. “At least I’m warm” I said to myself. This is where I find myself a couple of hours later, deep in the woods of Louisiana; I hadn’t realized how long it would take to get through this forest to the next town. Another hour of walking made it clear to me that I was thoroughly lost. I decided the only thing to do was sit tight and wait till morning; I sat down and leaned against a large Hornbeam tree, wrapped my cloak around me and cast the intruder charm to alert me if anything came near; I quickly dozed off.

I whipped my wand out and blasted a fire jinx down, missing my target but grazing its back; it screamed so loud I thought I would go deaf. Pointing my wand down again, feeling a dreadful pang of regret, I cast the Reductor Curse and shattered the base of the tree, as it fell to the side and came crashing onto another large tree; I scrambled quickly down and reoriented myself, looking for the creature. Not as lucky as I was, the Rougarou had been thrown to the ground, but it recovered and began to run at me. I calmly shot a stream of stunning spells at the beast and used the Incarcerous Spell to conjure thick ropes from thin air, which wrapped themselves around the Rougarou. I approached cautiously, wand still pointed at the beast, and knelt down near its enormous head; as I lit my wand and raised it above the animal’s body, I could see just how large this thing was! Its fur was a light brown colour, and its back was light grey. Focusing my attention back to its head, I noticed its mouth was bloody; then my eyes caught the tooth, it was cracked, and something told me I should pull it, so I used a simple painless severing charm and placed it in a small leather pouch on my belt. I picked up one of its paws and examined the claws, which were long and sharp; they glowed

I awoke from a sharp hot pain coursing through my arm; my wand, which I still had in my hand was red hot and vibrating violently, my intruder charm was going off… suddenly. As the air was rent by a scream, unearthly, and definitely not human, I involuntarily stood up and drew my wand. A chilling feeling that I was being hunted came over me. I picked a tree and cast some defensive charms around the base; I conjured a rope and threw it over a high branch, and pulled myself up into the tree. Sometime later while surveying the ground, to my horror, two glowing red eyes appeared about 80 feet away from the tree I was camped in; whatever it was lumbered into the clearing and sniffed the ground, with a suddenly, it looked directly up at me! bronze-like colour in the moonlight. As I was moving My heart stopped in my chest as I recits paw back to the ground ognized what this thing was. I was being the Rougarou gave a jerk as it hunted by a Rougarou, an incredibly came back into consciousdangerous, dog-headed monster. It had a ness; I felt a sharp pain in vaguely man-like shape, with four sets of my arm and looked to see large paws. Its red eyes were so bright I the slash mark it had could swear they were made of fire. The made. Shocked, I beast suddenly lunged at the trunk in an stumbled backalmost comical hug-like motion, wrapped wards and fell its arms around the tree and began to over; the cut scramble upwards… wasn’t deep,

but it burned so bad… I angrily shot another stunning spell at the Rougarou just to shut it up. I pulled out all my special ointments and potions but very little seemed to help. I had no idea if this thing was related to Werewolf bites… I sat there on the forest floor, crushing up powdered silver and dittany, wondering fearfully if I would have lasting symptoms…. After bandaging my wound I stood up, feeling exhausted; the morning light was fast approaching, the Rougarou seemed to be building an immunity to stunning spells, as it was waking up quicker and quicker; I stunned it one last time and loosened the ropes binding it, so it would eventually get loose. Not wanting to be around when it woke up, I walked long and fast through the woods, and soon came upon the path I got separated from and made my way out of the woods. As I emerged, the sky finally cracked open and rain poured down. I conjured an umbrella and checked my map. I soon came to a town and made my way down the main road; I smiled, glad to be far away from the “monster” and contemplated how satisfying a nice rare steak would be right now…

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MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES QUIBBLER

Fantastic Beasts on Holiday Destinations BY ELDIS

THE LETHIFOLD Foreign countries also have foreign magical, often dangerous, animals. The Lethifold, for example, is found in tropical climates such as Papua New Guinea. This creature, more commonly knows as the ‘Living Shroud’, resembles a black cloak of half an inch [1.27 cm, red.] thick, but can be thicker once it has recently killed and digested it’s victim. The famous wizard Flavius Belby was the one to first discover that this creature can be defeated by a Patronus Charm, which earned him a Chocolate Frog Card. AFRICAN DANGERS Another great danger lives in the East-African regions. Whilst Muggle ministries have a strong negative travel advice towards these countries, many wizards deem themselves safe from political and social conflicts. [Our Quibbler reporter wants you to know that even though we have magic, we are not safe in countries deemed unsafe by the ministries, muggle or not.] But aside from conflicts in a country, wizards are also often ignorant to the dangers of the local wildlife. The Nundu, for example, is one of the most dangerous creatures in the world. It takes team of at least a hundred skilled wizards to subdue this

With the winter season coming up, a lot of European witches and wizards will go on a trip to sunnier places. Whilst a stay at the gorgeous white beaches of Papua New Guinea during the cold Brittain winter sounds amazing, there are many unknown dangers to this relaxing trip.

gigantic leopard-like beast. Even when one is not so unlucky as to stumble upon this animal in face to face, it’s breath causes diseases that are easily spread and can eliminate entire villages. Other dangerous animals in Africa include the Runespoor, a snake with 3 heads of which the right head has extremely venomous fangs, and the Erumpent, a rhinoceros-like animal of which the horn contains a fluid which will cause whatever it is injected with it to explode. Their horns can pierce through everything from skin to metal. IN THE FAR EAST

Those travelling to the far east and India should definitely be aware of the occamy, a very aggressive creature which can reach up to 15 feet in height. Although the soft silver eggs look like perfect souvenirs, it is better to stay far away from this creature's nest. Another creature in these areas a wizard should be watchful for is the demiguise, for this creature can make itself invisible. Their

hairs are quite popular to make invisibility cloaks. Though these animals are dangerous, catching them can be easy. Demiguises have precognitive sight, so if you want some of their hairs to sell, you'll have to do something completely unpredictable. Demiguises were among the animals freed during the great magical beasts outbreak of 1926. However, don't let these horrific creatures keep you from traveling around this magical globe. For which wizard would want to pass the opportunity to see the magical ramora in the Indian ocean, or miss the adorable diricrawl? Surely no one. Just remember to keep your camera close and your wand closer, and we from the Quibbler wish your a wonderful trip.

The Nundu, ready to strike

QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES

JERSEY DEVIL FOUND ALIVE! STAR REPORTER ELBOWSSS WRITES

MacabreGoblin had been missing for three weeks by the time we waded through the piles of books and papers that led to her bedroom. It was unlike her to leave everything in such a state of disarray, and I was worried. “Mac?” I called into the room, but no one answered. She was gone, and we need her to get her shit done at the Quibbler offices. What in the world were we going to do? It took less than a second for me to get my answer; Editor in Chief StarFlashFairy threw her hands in the air. “I am sick of you and Mac pulling these stupid stunts! Find her! Come back with Mac, or don’t come back at all.” She stormed out, leaving me in the middle of the bedroom. I guess I probably haven’t been doing all MY work either. I am no stranger to investigative work (see The Quibbler: Issue 1 for a list of my credentials). I knew that I could find my friend if I put my mind to it. I kicked aside some books. I went through her dresser drawers and saw more leopard print than I ever thought I would see. I flipped her mattress and looked under her bed, and then I quickly flipped it back so that I could pretend I didn’t see what I saw. After I’d fully snooped through all her shit and ransacked her room, I decided to open her desk drawers. There, laying neatly on top, was a folder clearly labeled, “THE JERSEY DEVIL.” Here it was! This must be Mac’s autobiography! Imagine my surprise when I opened the folder and a map of the Pine Barrens fell open. There was a large, red X with writing: “Camping Ground.” I knew where I had to go next. It took more a little more than an hour to prepare for my trek. The campsite looked as though it was about five miles into the woods, and Mac had been missing for 32

three weeks, so who knows how long I’d need to live off the land? Luckily, I knew exactly what I had to do. I put on my shiny red rain boots, tucked my wand inside the left boot, and put my hair in a pony tail. I grabbed my investigative backpack which, conveniently, was already full of my most precious emergency supplies. I was ready. I considered apparating straight to the campsite, but I knew that I would need some time to mull over the notes Mac had left me, and she was probably fine anyway. After all, she’s managed to stay alive for THIS long despite those days when the world seems out to get her. I apparated to the edge of the forest so that I could start my hike and promptly dropped the notes into a mud puddle. Yuck. I carefully pulled the map out and wiped it on the grass to get the mud off before storing it in my pocket. I didn’t need to look at it anyway. ***** As it turns out, rainboots, no matter how much you may love them, are not particularly great for stomping through a forest. It was slow moving, and I pulled a rice crispy treat from my backpack to munch on while I dodged low-hanging branches and avoided tripping over wayward roots. I had been walking for a little over an hour, and I found my mind wandering. Something was tugging at my memory, warning me that I should not be eating a rice crispy treat, but I couldn’t quite make sense of the thought. I stuffed the last bite into my mouth and washed it down with an emergency beer. It wasn’t long after that that it was starting to get dark, and I realized that walking was not as interesting as I thought it would be. It was sweaty, there was mud on me, and my legs were tired. I pulled out my wand and disapparated. ***** Ah, yes. Instant teleportation is the only way to travel! I seemed to be standin on the

edge of a clearing no larger than ten feet in diameter. On the opposite edge stood a floppy-looking tent. A smoldering fire was in the center of the clearing. It looked as though it would go out at any second. Mac wasn’t in sight. Where could she be? I walked around the perimeter of the clearing a few times, almost afraid to touch anything lest I disturb any clues about her whereabouts. Did she find the Jersey Devil? Was she alive? Was she dead? Did she leave any food behind? Maybe I should just try owling her? Man, I was starving. I threw a couple logs on the fire to get it going before I unzipped the tent to search for food. There was a large, squashy pile of blankets in the middle, a backpack propped against the side, and another folder labeled The Jersey Devil. I sat on my heels and grabbed it; surely THIS was the autobiography I had been looking for. Instead, I found more maps, notes, and a picture that chilled me to the bone. It was taken on a polaroid, which is fucking weird since we are witches. Something with a large wingspan and glowing red eyes looked up at me from the picture. Then a voice spoke behind me. “Dammit, elbowsss, what the hell took you so long?” I dropped the photo with a start and turned around. Mac had been buried in the pile of squashy blankets all along! “I’ve been looking for you,” I replied indignantly. After all, it hadn’t been an easy journey. “I left a message, map, and coordinates on your desk.” “Do you have any idea how much attention I am paying to my surroundings at any given time?” I counter back. Mac shook her head and sat up excitedly before she responded. “I think I’ve found it. For REAL, this time. There’s a little river about a half mile south. I mean, I marked it on the map I left you, so you SHOULD know where it

is. Anyway, we’ll FINALLY have proof! Maybe we can tame it!” I finished another emergency beer and tossed the can to the corner of the tent. “Mac, what in the world are you talking about?” She rolled her eyes so hard that for a moment I thought they were going to fall out of her head. “Honestly, elbowsss, do you listen to anything I ever say? I’ve been trying to catch the Jersey Devil for YEARS now! This is huge!” I frowned. It seemed like Mac was trying to communicate with me, but I hadn’t really been listening. Of course I didn’t want her to know this. She was now sitting up and staring at me, wide-eyed, still wrapped in her squashy blankets. It hit me. She was waiting for a response. I mulled it over for a minute. How was I going to get out of this? “What?” I finally settled on. She sighed and finally stood from her cocoon, shedding the layers of blankets like a snake skin. “Come on. Let’s go sit by the fire and I’ll tell you AGAIN about the Jersey Devil and how I can be the very first person to tame -” she stopped talking as she picked up my backpack for me, and it clinked suspiciously. “What’s in here?” “Well, I wasn’t sure how long I’d be looking for you, so I had to pack for a couple days at least!” Mac closed her eyes for a moment, as if willing herself to be patient with me, and then grabbed one of the offending beers from my bag, opened it, and took a large gulp. “The magical properties -” she started again, but at that exact moment, a sound like I’d never heard before pierced the night. A clanging, an ear-splitting screech, and then some banging around, as if something was trapped and fighting tooth and nail to break free. Mac smiled widely. “That’s my trap!” “You set a trap?” “Yes! The one down by the river!”

MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES QUIBBLER

“There’s a river?” But she was already running out of the tent, her wand illuminating the path ahead of her. I followed right behind her, jumping over fallen branches and stumps, the deafening screech becoming only louder, until we reached a fallen cage. It looked as though it had been rigged in the tree branches above us. There was the animal inside the cage, and the sight of it stopped me in my tracks. If there was ever Jersey Devil, I would say that Mac had trapped it. The thing was probably about three feet tall, but it was difficult to tell, as it kept flapping its large, leathery wings around while kicking it hooved feet at the cage surrounding it. Mac squealed. “He’s only a baby! I LOVE HIM.” She pointed her wand at the creature and cast a spell, which immediately froze the flapping thing, and she carefully removed the cage from over top. “Mac, what are you -” But now she was picking it up, holding it close to her body, and stroking its head. The creature’s eyes danced in its head as it looked for an escape, but it was still unable to move. “Wow.” It was all I could say for another moment. “You’re going to be famous, you know. These things probably have all sorts of magical properties.” “Elbowsss, you never listen to me! I’m trying to protect the Jersey Devil from being exploited for its magical properties! They’ve been talking about sending teams of people into the forest to find him, but I beat them to it!” She beamed at me. “Can I keep him?” “What? What are you asking ME that?” “You’re right. I don’t care what you think. I’m going to keep him, and I am going to name him Gus.” “Gus?” “It’s short for Augustus.” “How do you know it’s a boy?” “I’ve very talented at sexing all

sorts of beasts.” “Oh.” There was no denying that. I shuddered. “Can I write about him?” Mac never answered my last question, so enamoured was she by her new dragon-thing. She carried it back to camp and held it while I waved my wand to pack up the site. Once I had finished, we apparated back to her home. ***** Here I am sitting at Mac’s desk, transcribing the events of the day for the good of wizarding kind. She is cooing over the Jersey Devil behind me, and weirdly, the thing is purring and seems content with its new home. Gus seems to have bonded to Mac from the moment she touched his ugly, leathery skin. She tells me that she plans on finding more of them. It’s time for her army of darkness to begin its rise, or something. I wasn’t really listening. I’m sure she’ll explain it all in her autobiography.

QUIBBLER DIVINATION INSERT

ASK MADAM

Do YOU have burning questions for our resident Seer and fairy, Madam Starflash? Got yourself in a relationship with a Vampire and don’t know if it’s going to work out? Debating on using a love potion on your biggest crush? Have a bully you’d love to get rid off? Don’t hesitate to ask! Madam Starflash ALWAYS has the right answer for you! Contact her in Divination Tower at /r/TheQuibbler now with your desperate questions!

DIVINATION QUIBBLER

k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm Dear Madam Starflash,

Dear Madam Starflash,

So, eh someone, (not me) someone else was recently bitten by a werewolf. Yes, I know! They were trying to catch a beast for Magical Plants and Creatures. No, in fact, they don't work at the Quibbler, they were... out...picking berries in the forest. Not me, I never do that. They would like to know if there is any way they can go on without contracting lycanthropy? Because I don’t they don't want to have to take Wolfsbane every month. This is urgent!

A certain girl that I like is going to go to the Yule Ball. Should I ask if we can go together? I think she's a doll and I'm a potato.

Help me them, Madam Starflash! -Anxious as the Wolf --Dearest Anxious, Let’s not even pretend you’re talking about a friend here. It’s far more urgent that you get yourself taken care of. You must QUICKLY use an undiluted solution of powdered silver and dittany on the wound. This will seal it and prevent you from bleeding to death. I cannot believe you felt the need to send me this owl BEFORE you performed this necessary action… You are lucky. You were not bitten by a properly transformed werewolf. The moon was not full. It was also daytime. A magizoologist such as yourself should know that being bitten in the daytime by an untransformed werewolf on the half-moon will only result in a newfound taste for very rare meat.

-Dateless and Desperate --Dearest Dateless, Do not ask this girl yet. You will be able to sweep her off her feet, but you must wait until the proper moment. You will be visited on the night of the Yule Ball by a mysterious old woman who will be dressed in rags. Offer her a cup of chamomile tea with three drops of honey, two sugars, and a dash of lemon. She will drink the tea and reveal herself as your fairy godmother. (No relation.) Her Transfiguration skills are unmatched by any since Albus Dumbledore. Allow her to transform you from a potato into a prince. She will Transfigure a cabbage into a carriage (it will most certainly not be a pumpkin due to copyright infringement laws). This will take you to the Yule Ball, where your doll will be waiting, looking as though she was quite bored until you arrived. This will be your perfect opportunity. Take her away in your carriage. Do not enter the Ball. This is important. DO NOT ENTER THE BALL. May Fortune smile upon you!

And finally, Madam Starflash Sees all and knows all. Acting as though I don’t know who you are and what you’ve been up to is quite pointless. Your hearing has been cancelled and you will remain on probation. May Fortune smile upon you!

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QUIBBLER DIVINATION

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You must help me. I have no one else to whom I can turn. I fear that this, in fact, may even be too late. I have a social engagement that requires formal attire. As soon as I received my invitation, I knew exactly what I would be wearing. I have the perfect gown. Black, floor length, with a flowing train. I showed this dress to another witch who is also attending the same event, and she bought the same dress but in dark purple. What is the best way to do destroy her? It is a given that I will look better than her, but that isn’t enough. Which curse should I use? I thought about using the Jelly-Leg or Leg-Locker curses, as there will be dancing, but would it be possible to modify the Thief ’s curse? She is, after all, attempting to steal my look.

;

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

- Indecisive in Iowa

Dear Madam Starflash,

Dearest Indecisive,

Destruction with violence is far from the answer. The witch in question has already been made aware of your plans from a nosy gossiping co-worker; never leave your letters to me out in your top right drawer again. (The secret compartment in your bottom left drawer is safer.) She has purchased a full set of Shield clothing from Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes. She will be Disillusioning these and wearing them over her dress. This will be in your favor, however.

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You must arrive at the event seventeen minutes early, as she will be six minutes late, and the window for everyone to see you wearing the beautiful dress first must be taken full advantage of. As the evening progresses, she will go warm from the Shield clothing. But immediately upon her entrance, you must point her out to the second wizard standing to your right. He will not be very attractive, so you needn’t worry your pretty head about this next part. He will go off and ask her to dance. She will accept. You must go directly to the stage. The Weird Sisters will be performing. Request “Do the Hippogriff ” and step back four paces. The dance floor will be lit with strobe lights, the music will be fast, and her extra layers will grow ever warmer as she dances to the undeniable beat. Finally she will excuse herself to use the bathroom. Count quickly to eight and then follow. Disillusion yourself. She will be removing all of her Shield clothing. Once she removes the Cloak, you’ll see her dress is soaked with sweat. Hit her with two non-verbal Severing Charms, aiming carefully at the spots on the dress under her arms. This will reveal her sweaty underarm hair. She will have forgotten to shave. Stand back and watch. Your mission complete, you will truly be the fairest of them all. May Fortune smile upon you!

c h j s h o g

DIVINATION QUIBBLER

h e r u x g v j

Dearest Moth, This is Spider. I followed your previous advice to the letter and I must say, it worked out better than expected! Not that I ever doubted your abilities.Anyway, I left my old home behind and am hiding somewhere I shall never disclose. I trust your third eye will See the truth. I do regret to inform you that our previous list of codewords needs to be discarded IMMEDIATELY. It has come to my attention recently that some witch that calls herself a Seer such as yourself has cracked the code. A scam, I obviously thought at first, but I soon figured out she was an agent, sent by MACUSA themselves!!

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And I think I have figured out why they’re after me too! They want to scoop out my brain out of my head to turn it into some kind a tentacle monster! I discovered similar.. creations while I was on a stroll in the Department of Mysteries in London. I saw it all with my own two eyes.. in my dream two nights ago! What a revelation! It’s all so obvious now, so clear. I’ve already written countless letters with this information to your offices, but somehow my chickens keep losing their way. Obviously the government doesn’t want anyone to know! That’s why I’ve sent this letter with a parakeet. I do hope it finds you swiftly.

Anyway, here’s my question. Last night, I had yet another revelation. I was thinking, would it not be an amazing idea to scoop out my brain myself and store it somewhere for safe so the American spies can’t take it from me? Surely I don’t really need it to be inside my head?? What does one even use it for anyway? I could maybe send it to you and you can safeguard it! YES! That would be splendid. If I don’t hear back from you in 48 hours I will go ahead and perform the operation necessary to remove my brain from my head.

Yours truly,

- Spider

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Dearest Spider,

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This is Moth.

I have received your parakeet, and I must caution you to never use it again: it tried to bite off my wing. As your chickens are not finding my Tower, because they cannot fly, try sending a pigeon. Though they are nasty, dirty, pecky things, they are second only to owls when it comes to delivering mail. DO NOT SCOOP YOUR BRAIN OUT. DO NOT SCOOP YOUR BRAIN OUT. DO NOT SCOOP YOUR BRAIN OUT. DO NOT SCOOP YOUR BRAIN OUT. DO NOT SCOOP YOUR BRAIN OUT. DO NOT SCOOP YOUR BRAIN OUT. DO NOT SCOOP YOUR BRAIN OUT. DO NOT SCOOP YOUR BRAIN OUT. DO NOT SCOOP YOUR BRAIN OUT. DO NOT SCOOP YOUR BRAIN OUT. DO NOT SCOOP YOUR BRAIN OUT. DO NOT SCOOP YOUR BRAIN OUT. I await your pigeon confirming that you still have your brain firmly planted within your head. May Fortune smile upon you!

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w p o e j i f 37

ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER

INTERVIEW WITH OUR LOCAL MUSICIAN

CHAMBER THE CARTRIDGE In a crowded cafe deep in Diagon Alley, books and parchment covered most of a table tucked away in the corner. In a rickety chair sat a blonde witch with her hair askew, a quill tucked behind her hair. Nargles_AreBehindIt rearranged the parchment on the table for the umpteenth time, eyes flicking up when the bell above the door chimed, signaling that someone was coming in. “H-hi,” Nargles stammered when ChamberTheCartridge approached. “Sorry to...Sorry I had to keep putting the meeting off.” Chamber, otherwise known as Kass, waved off her worry. “It’s alright, Nargles. Let’s get started, shall we?” Nargles and Kass sat down, and Nargles pulled the quill out from behind her ear. N: What’s the name of your EP, and where can we find it? K: It’s called The Departure, Vol. 1 and you can find it at https://hunterleyenhorst.bandcamp. com/album/the-departure-vol-1 N: How many songs did you write before you picked the final songs on the album? K: Good question. The five songs on the EP were taken from a pool of around twelve songs or so. The reason why these ones made the cut is simply because they were done at the time I wanted to release something. Make sure to print this next part in bold. This EP was never meant to be it’s own release, hence “Volume 1” in the title. The songs on here are part of a larger work that will be coming next year. I released these five because I wanted to put my material out into the world before the full length record drops. N: How long did it take you to make it? K: It’s an ongoing process, really. I worked on these songs as I was working on other ones as well, but all in all I think in terms of this EP it took around eight months. I didn’t have a lot of completely dedicated time to work since I was finishing high school and sorting stuff out for college, among other things, but recording went on from January to August of this year. ‘Collapse’ and ‘Vengeance’ I had written [the year before], so they were finished first, and the other three developed as the process went on. N: Did anybody help you? Who, and with what? K: I took a couple pointers from my music teacher at the time, which helped a lot. She just offered some arrangement and mixing suggestions that were very beneficial. There were a couple of close friends with which I shared some of the early drafts of the songs for feedback as they evolved. Another one of my friends actually did perform on the EP. You can hear him at the beginning of ‘Collapse’ as part of the choral vocal section. Finally, I had help with mixing and mastering from a buddy of mine that I met on Reddit, which is pretty cool.

N: Where did you mainly record? K: I recorded the entire set at home in Niagara, Ontario N: Does it have a theme? (Ex: romantic) If so, what made you choose that theme? K: There isn’t really a single theme that runs through the entire EP, I wouldn’t say. If anything, it has a lot to do with personal reflection on the past and things that I’ve had happen in my life. Relationships, mental health, stuff like that. It’s very introspective and personal, I think. It’s quite bare. The title “The Departure” comes from the fact that I released the set right as I left my home of seventeen years to head off for college, which obviously was a pretty big deal. The cover art is a shot of the Niagara Escarpment taken from the parking lot of my high school. Ultimately, there’s not really a theme, but I think there are some thing thematic elements that pervade throughout the set. N: What was the most challenging part of this album? K: The recording process for sure. When it came to actually tracking the songs, I was working entirely on my own and it was rather exhausting. It takes a really long time to record all of the parts, and gets frustrating at time. N: Favourite part of it? K: The satisfaction of having something finished, I would say. A lot of effort went into this thing, and it’s a really cool feeling knowing that I achieved something, and that people are hearing it. ----------After taking a listen to the album, it’s clear that Kass put a lot of work into it. It’s not easy to put yourself out there, but not only does Kass do just that, he does it mostly on his own - an impressive feat for a musician nowadays. I would definitely recommend checking the EP out, and spending the few dollars that it would cost to buy it. You won’t regret it, and you will be supporting a fellow Hogwarts student!

QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT

Over the Moon

WITH GALLEONS

Written by LadyTenille

s we shift from Autumn to Fall, witches and wizards slowly begin the process of magicking their respective homes into cozy cottages to burrow into these chilly months. Along with bringing out the ancient tree, decorating the house with animated Nativity scenes, and bedazzling their entire home with floating lights comes the usually unlikeable task of winter cleaning. For one extremely lucky witch, however, this seasonal cleaning tradition was more profitable than anyone, especially herself, could ever imagine. While tidying her attic, Bath’s Mrs. Jane Berkshire stumbled across a mysteriously wrapped package that, upon opening, was revealed to be a second-edition Moontrimmer broomstick with the original creator’s (Gladys Boothby) signature carved into the handle. “No one was more surprised than myself. By

all my stars, I never even thought that that old musty package could ever be something that valuable,” the elderly Mrs. Berkshire comments. “Our family has owned this house for decades, and I know that I had a great-great-great-great uncle who once married a Boothby, but I never thought anything could come of it.” Mrs. Berkshire took her relic to her nearest Quidditch Supply store, where a very excited antiquarian-broomstick expert verified the signature, age (as the broomstick must have been created in the early 1900’s), and brand. When questioned, the (wishing to be anonymous) shop worker burst into tears from being so close to a true artifact, and could not be further reached for comment. It is estimated that the Moontrimmer is worth several hundred thousand Galleons, as already several antique broomstick collectors have contacted Mrs. Berkshire

about selling off her family’s now most-prized possession. “I’ve had three wizards call me, and I’m not quite sure what to ask them, as far as price goes,” Berkshire chuckles. “I would like to think that I could simply keep this broomstick to show my grandchildren, but our house could use a bit of refurbishing, and I would love to take my grandchildren Christmas shopping sometime soon.” We at the Quibbler understand the non-appeal of cleaning, and we sympathize with those who deal with messy desks and homes every day. Take a note from Mrs. Berkshire though, and in doing some much-needed tidying, and maybe in the process you’ll find an original Chocolate Frog card or test-flavor of Bott’s Beans for your trouble.

ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER BY MARSTHEMUSH

Fantastic

BEaSts A new Saga Begins

Great news for all you witches and wizards out there! Did you fall in love with the famed biographer J.K. Rowling’s account of the Second Wizarding War? Then look no further. By the time this publication is released, the newest chapter of her work will be on the big screen for the world to see. Muggles of course will consider it a thrilling fantasy movie but we know better. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is a film directed by David Yates, director of the final four installments of the Harry Potter films, and is based on both the standard Hogwarts textbook by the same name and Rowling’s screenplay. The film follows Newt Scamander, writer of said textbook. At the start of the film, Scamander (portrayed by Golden Globe winner Eddie Redmayne) is at the end of a global research trip in New York, 1926. Unfortunately for him, tensions between No-Majs (American for muggle) and wizards run high in the city, since a radical group called the Second Salemers is hunting witches. To make matters worse, an unsuspecting No-Maj, Jacob Kowalski, finds Scamander’s briefcase full of fantastic beasts and opens it, releasing among other things, Thunderbirds and Billywigs and Nifflers, oh my. Having violated the Statute of Secrecy, Scamander must go on the

run, pursued by both auror Tina Goldstein and Director of Magical Security at MACUSA (Magical Congress of the United States of America), Percival Graves. What will Scamander do? Will the wizarding world be exposed? And what about those beasts?! In addition to what promises to be an action packed opening film, Rowling has announced that the series will be 5 films long. What can the films possibly be about? Well, trailers already released for the first film mention both our beloved Dumbledore, and the dark wizard Grindelwald. It doesn’t take much to suppose that the series will show Grindelwald’s rise to power. Perhaps we’ll even get to see the famed showdown between Dumbledore and Grindelwald. Only time will tell. We can only hope that by the time this publication reaches you, a new epic saga has begun.

QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT ELBOWSSS REVIEWS

Harry Potter and

THE CURSED CHILD

t's been four months now, and people are still talking about how much they hated The Cursed Child. Themes within the story have developed into an inside joke that the entirety of the fandom is in on. As one of the 14.2 people that genuinely enjoyed the story, I would like to explain to the crowd how you, too, can achieve these results! We will start with a detailed list on preparation to ensure that your body is ready. 1. Drink a beer. 2. Drink a beer. 3. Drink a beer. 4. Listen to a pre-recorded pep talk on how much it sucks. 5. Get all FIRED UP about how much it’s going to suck. 6. Sit with a clean, unopened copy of the book shipped fresh to your door. 7. Remember the magic you felt nine years ago as you opened your last new book. Hold that feeling at the forefront of your mind while you dig into the packaging. 8. Crack open your book to feel the familiar texture of the pages. Remind yourself how low your expectations are. 9. Be momentarily startled by the script format before you remember what you've gotten into. Remember that plays are written for the purpose of presenting to a live audience, and adjust your expectations accordingly. 10. Stop for a second on the dedications page to remind yourself that this was not really written by JKR. 11. Find your senses of humor, wonder, and forgiving, and start reading with the expectation that it will be a fun short story, written by a fan of the series, for the purpose of presenting on a stage to an audience, and you don't have to accept anything as canon if you don't want to because you are a strong, independent reader and you don't need an eighth book to complete you. 12. Drink a beer.

Going in blind with a sense of “just for fun” instead of “I hope that this will live up to the impossibly high standards that I've come to expect from obsessing over a series to the point where I joined a Harry Potter forum for the sole purpose of talking to others who share my obsession” took a lot of pressure off the book to impress. One of the best parts of the book was the familiar names. Reading The Cursed Child is like revisiting an old friend you haven't seen in a while to get caught up on their life - they are different from the person you once knew, but you forgive them because you love them. So after you’ve taken the time to properly prepare yourself, how does the book stack up? The anticipation leading up to the release; the fresh discussion and theories brought to the boards; the ability to come together once more as fans with other fans; going out of your way to respect someone's wish to avoid spoilers; having the chance discuss your initial thoughts on a new book; THIS is the real magic and love from the series. 10/10.

The flip side of this book is that now I have to listen to an entire forum rip it apart, complain that it never came close to their standards (of… of what? A new, entirely independent book? A legitimate eighth book that tied into the previous seven? A play devoid of plot holes? Characters behaving exactly how you’d expect them after you've spent the past fifteen years breaking down every motivation they've ever had so that you can accurately predict the next time they're going to take a shit?). The reaction from the fans gets 8/10 from me. Four of those points are mainly based on the fact that I've found myself immensely entertained by the entitlement of those saying the book should never have been released. Four more points are given because the jokes that have grown from the sillier parts of the story have brought me to laugh until I cried, and one special user (kackeldackel) forced me to imagine Bellatrix scraping Voldemort’s baby batter off a toilet seat in order to impregnate herself. The overall story 7/10. I loved every second of reading, but there was not an excess of original ideas. Perhaps I only feel that way because I have been stuck here bashing and rehashing ideas ad nauseam for the past 6 years. Casual Harry Potter Fans might not have noticed that ¾ of the fanfictions out there have already explored these plot lines. Overall, from the entertainment value, from the wonder of getting a new book, from the anticipation, from watching the outrage of the fans, from the resulting jokes, I give The Cursed Child an 8/10. Will definitely read again. 42

The Twelve Days of Hogwarts By /u/hyperwackodragon

On the 1st day of Hogwarts my true witch sent to me A tie that is yellow and black. On the 2nd day of Hogwarts my true witch sent to me Two pewter cauldrons And a tie that is yellow and black. On the 3rd day of Hogwarts my true witch sent to me Three pickled toads Two pewter cauldrons And a tie that is yellow and black. On the 4th day of Hogwarts my true witch sent to me Four eagle quills Three pickled toads Two pewter cauldrons And a tie that is yellow and black. On the 5th day of Hogwarts my true witch sent to me Five sugar mice Four eagle quills Three pickled toads Two pewter cauldrons And a tie that is yellow and black. On the 6th day of Hogwarts my true witch sent to me Six fanged frisbees Five sugar mice Four eagle quills Three pickled toads Two pewter cauldrons And a tie that is yellow and black. On the 7th day of Hogwarts my true witch sent to me Seven potions brewing Six fanged frisbees Five sugar mice Four eagle quills Three pickled toads Two pewter cauldrons And a tie that is yellow and black. On the 8th day of Hogwarts my true witch sent to me Eight wands a waving Seven potions brewing Six fanged frisbees Five sugar mice Four eagle quills Three pickled toads Two pewter cauldrons And a tie that is yellow and black.

On the 9th day of Hogwarts my true witch sent to me Nine pumpkin juices Eight wands a waving Seven potions brewing Six fanged frisbees Five sugar mice Four eagle quills Three pickled toads Two pewter cauldrons And a tie that is yellow and black. On the 10th day of Hogwarts my true witch sent to me Ten lords of darkness Nine pumpkin juices Eight wands a waving Seven potions brewing Six fanged frisbees Five sugar mice Four eagle quills Three pickled toads Two pewter cauldrons And a tie that is yellow and black. On the 11th day of Hogwarts my true witch sent to me Eleven ghosts a wailing Ten lords of darkness Nine pumpkin juices Eight wands a waving Seven potions brewing Six fanged frisbees Five sugar mice Four eagle quills Three pickled toads Two pewter cauldrons And a tie that is yellow and black. On the 12th day of Hogwarts my true witch sent to me Twelve brooms a flying Eleven ghosts a wailing Ten lords of darkness Nine pumpkin juices Eight wands a waving Seven potions brewing Six fanged frisbees Five sugar mice Four eagle quills Three pickled toads Two pewter cauldrons And a tie that is yellow and black.

QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT

Has Rita Skeeter Finally Lost Her Spunk? Through the past two decades, Rita Skeeter has illuminated many front pages with her rambunctious ramblings. Though rarely truthful, her cheeky fabrications have entertained thousands of witches and wizards. Her unforgiving quill has punctured many reputations, no matter how false her writings may be. She has written about anything, rarely caring about who she hurt. But has she lost talent for quip? At the 2016 Quidditch World Cup, the journalist was spotted in the stands, not far from Ginny Potter, former Chaser for the Holyhead Harpies and current Senior Quidditch reporter for The Daily Prophet. An anonymous spectator who sat nearby said that instead of focusing on the match, Skeeter made quite a few offhand remarks in Potter’s ear—both about her husband and the large Weasley family—all the while scribbling away with her ever-present quill.

Rita Skeeter in her glory days

The reporting from here is unclear. No one saw Potter whip out her wand, but Skeeter left halfway through the match, claiming she felt unwell and that Potter had cursed her. She was approached for questioning, but had nothing to say on the incident. Skeeter’s writings haven’t been seen since.

ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER

MUGGLE OF HOGWARTS: MUSICAL EXTRAVAGANZA! BY WITCHUNICORN

The lights dim. The audience quiets down and excited whispers can be heard scattered around the hall. I steady my Muggle opera glasses and can of Reynolds’ Spill-free Cream Soda and pick up my timetable. I am watching the first show of the musical Muggle of Hogwarts. The curtain rises. The audience oohs and ahhs as Dorothy emerges. As the first notes piped out of the delicate flute, and the sound of a bow on the violin’s strings reverberated across the auditorium, I was spellbound. You will never see another musical quite like the Muggle of Hogwarts. This dramatic masterpiece is one of the most gorgeous productions to have ever graced Wizarding stage, and I am in awe of Pippa Oculara (runner up of Wizard Weekly’s Most-Charming Smile Award and rising actress) and her dazzling acting skills (and dancing, singing, writing and Kneazle-juggling skills). This timeless classic musical has been revived thanks to Pippa’s persistence and charm, having wanted to bring a new generation to the presence of the dream-like stage. And what a result! This will no doubt delight both kids and adults alike as the renowned characters still have the same charm, perhaps even more! The songs, choreography and story is as beautiful as ever! Pippa takes the much-sought after role of Dorothy, a Muggle girl who accidentally touches a Portkey and is whisked to Hogwarts, where she meets the friendly creatures of the Forbidden Forest: the timeless favourites the Cowardly Centaur, the Heartless Goblin and the Brainless House Elf. However, pure-blood supremacist and founder of Hogwarts, Salazar Slytherin, played by Lemony Quincy-Chang, attempts to deter her from ‘contaminating’ the magical grounds of Hogwarts via various nefarious schemes. I congratulate them deeply on providing one of the finest examples of acting in the history of wizarding kind! Although the new cast could never beat the original 1960s cast of Muggle of Hogwarts, it’s safe to say that your all-time favourite is in good hands. The noise after the cast’s bow was practically deafening (quite literally, as I had to put on a pair of earmuffs), and if that doesn’t say something about the quality of the play, I don’t know what will. The classic musical Muggle of Hogwarts, originally written by Mildred Pentathon the VII and choreographed by Anastasia Grendale in 1964, was a hit musical with the Wizarding audience. Now it has been revived, with an entirely different cast but with the same jovial charm! Tickets go on sale now on December 21st at the Arkwight Magical Theatre and will surely be a fun experience for all ages!

ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER

would you rather? survey results

Collab between ccalipha and littleotterpop. Data collection by littleotterpop. Interviewed by ccalipha.

Goodness me, yuletide upon us already?

I met /u/littleotterpop in a dingy but quiet corner of the Hog’s Head to discuss the results of her winter “Would You Rather?” survey. Over a butterbeer, I asked, ‘What’s the house balance like in our community?’

‘Well, my dear /u/ccalipha,’ she said, ‘you might not be altogether surprised to find that out of the 332 respondents in my holiday survey, Gryffindors made up the largest group with 31% of the responses. This of course is likely due to their desire to remain in the limelight, the center of attention, the kings of the castle, so to speak. But I digress. Hufflepuffs were a close second at 30%, with my own house, Slytherin, falling to third with only 20%. Ravenclaws had the lowest response rate, at a mere 19%, as I’m sure they were too busy doing their homework to participate in festive extracurriculars.’ What kind of secrets, I wondered, burden the students of Hogwarts? I cleared my throat before I asked, ‘Is there a way to discern those that may perhaps disappear on a blustery winter’s night?’ ‘You mean leave for Christmas?’asked

/u/littleotterpop. ‘Well…You’re much more likely to run into a Gryffindor or Slytherin student over the holiday break. They seem to prefer staying in the castle. Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs? My data shows that they’d rather split and head home to family! You could cut the tension inside Hogwarts with the sword of Gryffindor! Let’s hope the house elves’ cooking leaves everybody in a good mood.’ ‘What else did your survey reveal?’ I asked. ‘You know,’ she said, ‘I have some information that could make even the Bloody Baron blush. But I won’t name names. You might be interested to know however that only Hufflepuff, when given the choice, would prefer to get caught under the mistletoe with Filch instead of Umbridge! Gryffindor, Slytherin, and Ravenclaw? Well, maybe they’re hoping that kissing the toad will turn her into a princess! But don’t hold your breath folks, you’re more likely to just be left with an aftertaste of flies.’ ‘Now, how ostracized are those that take ghosts to social events?’ ‘Ghosts to social events?’ /u/littleotterpop asked. ‘What could go wrong, right? Well when your choices are Peeves and Moaning Myrtle, a better question is what wouldn’t go wrong. But there must be a lesser of two evils, I thought, and the students of Hogwarts did as well. Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin students all

agreed that Moaning Myrtle would be a better dancing partner. But Ravenclaws went against the grain and chose Peeves! You know, I always thought that Moaning myrtle would make for better intellectual conversation. Ravenclaws must know some things about Peeves that we don’t. Or maybe they’re finally ready to let loose and blow some raspberries!’ ‘Say, littleotterpop, another butterbeer?’ ‘Funny you should ask!’ she said with a laugh. ‘I think I’d prefer a nice shot of firewhiskey myself. You know, most Hogwarts students tend to stay safe with the butterbeer, but us Slytherins and Gryffindors are a lot more willing to be adventurous and try something a little ...bolder, shall we say? Maybe there is something that can bring us together after all! We enjoyed a drink, toasting the survey results, then /u/littleotterpop smiled. ‘/u/ccalipha, it really has been a pleasure sharing my findings with you. But there’s a fresh baked treacle tart with my name on it waiting for me at home - what can I say, I have the best house elf. But before I split, I want to give you a parting gift! Take this nice box of Honeydukes sweets, I got it special just for you. No, no, there’s nothing suspicious here, I swear! Just some Honeydukes sweets. But don’t eat it all at once! It’s for your safet- err, I mean health. Yeah. Happy Holidays!’

QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT

Viktor Krum:

More Than Just a Date to the Yule Ball By /u/marsthemush

As we all know, J.K. Rowling, famed wizarding biographer, had her account of the Second Wizarding War made into blockbuster Hollywood films. The last four of these films were directed by David Yates. Quibbler reporters recently discovered that Yates had big plans for Viktor Krum. Krum, the dreamy Durmstrang Triwizard Champion and Bulgarian Quidditch star, accompanies Hermione to the Yule Ball. Unfortunately, to the disappointment of many, Viktor’s dashing good looks and bad boy aura only stick around for a little bit. After the tournament he fades away into the background. However, in a recent interview with the actor who played Krum, Stanislav Ianevski says, “Yates invented a new story that wasn’t in the books, between Viktor Krum, Hermione, and Ron.” Ianevski says that during Bill and Fleur’s wedding, Hermione “remembered our old times, Viktor was acting like a gentleman, happy to see her, she was happy to see him. Ron was sitting on the side, jealous, and then Viktor took her to the dance floor.”

Yates of course is suspected to be a wizard in hiding, so he might have legitimate information about a relationship that we don’t know about. Or perhaps Rowling clued him in on something that she didn’t include in her biographies. Either way, we’re left with a puzzling addition to the history that was never mentioned in Rowling’s original. This scene was eventually left on the cutting room floor but we at the Quibbler wonder, did it really happen? If so, would Viktor and Hermione have ended up happily ever after? Or is Wonny-kins the only true love for our favorite book-worm? We’ll let you decide.

INSERT QUIBBLER

The following items, creatures, plants, substances, and other assorted miscellany are hereby decreed to be considered contraband within the offices of the Quibbler and surrounding castle grounds.The complete list comprises of some 784 items, and can now be found posted in every room of the castle. • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

BLOOD Shoes Loose glitter Fanged Frisbees Dragon eggs Exploding pens Butter’NEAR’ I Can’t Believe It’s NOT Butterbeer Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans Drooble’s Best Blowing Gum Venomous Tentacula Visibility Cloaks Catnip Blind mice

• • • • • • • • • • • • •

Ever-stopping Door-stoppers Pop Rocks Canned snakes Biting paper airplanes Caramel Wands Quick Quotes Quills Unidentified animal hair Strangely over-sized jars of pickled onions Cornelius Fudge-shaped fudge Daily Prophet Rubber bands Flamethrowers Naysayers

Please note there are blanket bans on Muggle toys, any creature with a Ministry of Magic rating of XXX or higher, and all Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes products.

QUIBBLER SPORTS

ELBOWSSS PRESENTS

HOGWARTS WEREWOLVES THE HIGHLIGHTS Every month, players gather at /r/HogwartsWerewolves to participate in a cutthroat game of eliminations. Each game is ran by a new set of facilitators with a new theme. The participants are divided into teams of Good and Evil and are given the task to vote out the Evil. Evil must blend in and survive to the end, and Good must seek them out by using nothing more than the behavior of the players and their own instincts. Paranoia runs high, alliances are made, and backs are stabbed. What has happened since the last issue of The Quibbler?

September: Pokemon

Hosted by: megabanette, funkimon, and bubblegumgills To kick off the game, the players were asked to elect a Champion to represent their best interests; tensions were high as hats were thrown in for consideration. Team Rocket wasted no time in starting their recruitment and their immediate successes made them a formidable opponent. The Champion urged the players to keep a cool head and remain vigilant but it was in vain. The entire town fainted and Team Rocket emerged victorious! Result: Team Rocket (evil) wins! MVPs: DirtyMarTeeny and Mathy16

SPORTS QUIBBLER

Gryffindor s wanted!

October: Halloween

Hosted by: MacabreGoblin and kemistreekat The game started by dividing players into Humans and Monsters with no indication of where Evil’s loyalties might lie. It didn’t take long for the players to discover that the werewolves were exclusively human and after some intense game play, they were eliminated. In a twist that no one but the facilitators saw coming, this was NOT the end of the game. Humans and Monsters divided once more to take part in their own Prisoner’s Dilemma: do they vote for an individual faction victory or a town victory? They had 24 hours to make their decision. Result: Good wins, followed by VeganGamerr convincing the monsters to end the humans in a horrific way! MVPs: TalkNerdyToMe20, DEP61, and dancingonfire

November: Grimm Fairytales

Hosted by: Mathy16, dancingonfire, and Srslywtfdood Heroes vs Villains began with an edge of mystery, as the hosts promised secret roles and events to be revealed as the plot progressed. Quickly the town fell into turmoil as the unstable leadership resulted in multiple role reveals, and total confusion caused at least one thread to max out at over 1000 comments. The town bickered over strategy, and the villains had a number of unlucky breaks with their actions. Ultimately, the villains succumbed to the the heroes. Result: Heroes (good) win! MVPs: Korsola, MacabreGoblin, and pizzabangle Interested in playing? Signups typically go up at the end of each month, so keep your eyes open for announcements in your common rooms, or remember to check r/HogwartsWerewolves! December: 75th Annual Hunger Games Hosted by k9centipede, starflashfairy, and kaybee41906 January: Survivor Hosted by elbowsss, oomps62, and Moostronus February: TBA Hosted by sletrab07 51

QUIBBLER SPORTS DEP COVERS

RANKDOWN'S RETURN

November is the month during which the sun sets earlier and earlier, the temperatures drop, and holiday pageantry begins to show itself on streets, on houses, and in media. It is a time of great celebration, a time to think about the year behind and the beginnings of what lies ahead. There is a lesser-known tradition, though, that made its return to the r/harrypotter community at large, and that is the Harry Potter Rankdown. A challenge undertaken last year by eight brave souls, and continued this year by eight new rankers, 2 from each of the four houses, under the guidance of some of those who ran the show last time, Rankdown is an effort to rank 200+ of the most mentioned characters in the Harry Potter canon - from the titular character himself to such lovable entities like the famed Ford Anglia, thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s something for every fan in this ranking. What makes Rankdown so special, though, is the ability of the community to get involved, whether it be through discourse, both rational and saltier than the Dead Sea, or through betting, in which spectators have the opportunity to predict whoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s getting the axe during each month of the journey. As the seasons roll by and the days blur from snow to sun once more, the days gradually returning to a time when itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not dark at 4:30, watch 8 members of this community turn 208 into a mere 12 before turning that into a single champion. Follow along at r/HPRankdown2, and get involved via betting and supporting your favorites!

SPORTS QUIBBLER DEP COVERS

RANKDOWN RECAP

The Quibbler is pleased to announce that it has partnered with r/HPRankdown2 to recap the results of this second ranking of the characters of this beloved series. Therefore, each forthcoming issue until the end of the ranking will contain brief recaps of what’s happened in the time between issues, as well as a complete list of who has been cut. Though 200 members of the canon would be ranked, there will be 208 names on the list at the end - the rationale was that they wished to allow people to see how each ranker was generally going to approach their cuts, as well as get a taste for writing, betting and all the other aspects of this massive undertaking. The 8 members, in ascending order from 208th, were Albus Severus Potter, Leanne, Fluffy, Dennis Creevey, Terry Boot, Jimmy Peakes, Teddy Lupin, and Millicent Bulstrode was the closest character to the main event. At this point, there were 200 characters left, and the process began in earnest. Aidan Lynch, the Irish seeker, was Mr. Irrelevant, the first to go, followed by Bogrod. Mafalda Hopkirk, of letters-to-troublemakers fame, followed in 198th, and Marcus Flint was next to go via a wonderfully poetic cut. He was soon followed by fellow Slytherin Gregory Goyle. It was Death who came after him, falling to his own mechanisms at 195th. Above Death came quite the string of animals - Errol, Crookshanks, and Trevor, respectively, the bedraggled Weasley owl, Hermione’s Kneazle-cat thing, and Neville’s far-fromfaithful toad. Demelza Robins was to follow in 191st, and at the time of this article being written, the final cut is the very ravishing Roger Davies, who was unfortunately unable to woo these rankers and shall rest 190th. The complete list thus far, then, looks like this: 190. Roger Davies 191. Demelza Robins 192. Trevor 193. Crookshanks 194. Errol 195. Death 196. Gregory Goyle 197. Marcus Flint 198. Mafalda Hopkirk 199. Bogrod

200. Aidan Lynch 201. Millicent Bulstrode 202. Teddy Lupin 203. Jimmy Peakes 204. Terry Boot 205. Dennis Creevey 206. Fluffy 207. Leanne 208. Albus Severus Potter

Follow along and get involved with the rest of the rankers and the Rankdown community as they whittle their way to the best of the best at r/HPRankdown2! If you’re an animal lover, please belittle our very down theDUQofFRAT as he seems to have a hit out on any animals in the series. 53

QUIBBLER FASHION

A HOW-TO GUIDE Written By Maritown

The Ugly Christmas Sweater has roots in the fashionably clueless older relatives of muggle families. Aunts and uncles alike would dawn the tacky garments to the horror of their more trendsetting friends. The look became a cornerstone representing the worst of the holiday season and eventually leaked into modern media. It’s through modern media that the infamous sweater then fell into the wizarding world. Muggleborn witches and wizards wore the look with irony; an irony that was lost on the pureblood families that hadn’t been exposed to the sweater’s origins. The trend spread more every year and soon the Ugly Christmas Sweater, from humble roots of embarrassment and shame, became a much-loved staple of wizarding winters.

Size Matters:

That’s right, size does matter. The bigger the better, really. Regardless of your usual size, to maximize the effectiveness of the sweater you should add two sizes. Throw out those flattering fits and tapered tunics! You want the shape of your body to be indiscernible under the bag-shaped cloth covering you.

Knits 'n Stitches:

Speaking of cloth, the texture, and material of your chosen sweater can make or break the desired look. A winning frock will have a chunky, open knit. Bonus points for frayed edges and hems. Double bonus points if you run out of yarn halfway through the knit and continue in a similar, yet noticeably different color.

A Picture's Worth 1000 Groans

If you expected to breeze through the holiday season with a basic oversized sweater, I’m here to set you straight. To convey the true meaning of the Ugly Christmas Sweater, you have to get colorful. Felt images of trees, snowmen, Santa Claus, and neatly wrapped gifts are all classic symbols that can be used to adorn the front, back, and sides of your sweater.You can sew the patches on directly, or, for an extra funky twist, hang them from your sleeves with twine or fishing line.

Christmas Bells

The final element of your ensemble is the sound effects. To look thoroughly ugly is no small achievement but to make a lasting impact on your peers you have to make some noise. Options for the final touch include: a collection of bells a leather pouch filled with loose change an entire tambourine a small piglet in a carrying bag fastened to your shoulders a hidden phone or tablet with a ten hour Youtube playlist of ocean sounds.

With these steps to success, it’s my dearest hope that all of muggle and wizard kind continue to embrace the tradition of the Ugly Christmas Sweater. A confident body makes it’s garments shine! 54

FASHION QUIBBLER

Magical Modification DIY Holiday Fashion for Hogwarts Students

s all Hogwarts students know, the school uniform calls for three sets of Plain Work Robes (Black), one Plain Pointed Hat (Black) and one Winter Cloak (Black, silver fastenings). By now, who isn’t sick of the same old-same old, day in and day out. Well the fashion department here at the Quibbler is here to help save you from the monotony of the school uniform! While the school tells you exactly what you need to purchase, nowhere in the rules and regulations is there anything that says you can’t make a few changes here and there. I am here to share some brilliant ideas for how to customize your uniform on a student budget. First, let’s start with some holiday customizations! On your next trip to Hogsmeade pick up some festive holiday ribbon (this could cost as little as a few knuts) and small baubles. Now take the ribbon and sew it along the edges of your robe or cloak. If you want to go all out for Christmas, I hope you’ve practiced your Color Change Charm because the next step it to turn your hat green. Take your ribbon and tie it along the hat above the brim. Next, you can take baubles or ribbons or even lights and decorate your hat like a festive Christmas Tree. If you really want to go all out, use garland instead of ribbon for some extra Christmas cheer. Another option for robe customization that is a bit more practical for day-to-day wear is lining your robe with a different fabric. You can go with a soft furry fabric for extra warmth in the colder months, a house color to subtly show your house pride, or a crazy print or pattern to really show your personality. This option is more labor intensive than adding ribbons and baubles, but it is good option for those who want customized robes that still meet the uniform requirements. If you are not confident in your pattern drafting abilities, you can purchase a lining from Madam Malkin’s in a standard size and color to sew into your robes for just 6 Galleons. Now that you have some ideas, let your creative juices run wild! Add anything from lace to gems to embroidery to patches. Customize your robes, cloaks, and hats, but don’t stop there. Customize those muggle clothes you wear on weekends. Customize your rucksack. Customize anything you can imagine. If you’re proud of your work (which you should be, you made it) then share a photograph with the Quibbler and you may just be featured in our next issue. Disclaimer: The Quibbler is not responsible for the loss of house points or any other disciplinary action of the staff associated with improper or excessive uniform modifications. WRITTEN BY STRIPPERKITTY 55

QUIBBLER FASHION

FanTAstic TreNdS & Where TO FInD TheM WRITTEN BY SRSLYWTFDOOD, ART BY K9CENTIPEDE

elcome to this issue’s “Fantastic Trends and Where to Find Them”. In this edition, we will explore two beautiful colours of red and green and also their uses in Christmas fashion. Right now, you might be scratching your heads, thinking “What is he talking about? That sounds absolutely horrible!” Well, I’ll have you know, that combination is all the rage in the Muggle world! If it weren’t for my amazing friends, I would have never found out about the potential of these two wonderful hues!

FASHION QUIBBLER

Coat This coat is perfect in case the weather is not on your side. While your friends are soaking wet and cold, you are grinning from ear-to-ear and looking great as ever! Yes, it might be a bit uncomfortable, but looking good demands sacrifices!

Shoes Appropriate footwear is a must-wear to complete a matching outfit. Whereas wearing these for a sport event is a...horrible idea, to say the least, they will definitely do their job well on numerous other occasions!

Suit Classy is the only appropriate word one could use to describe this suit. It suits any occasion; from casual parties to formal outings, this wonderful piece of clothing is a must-have in your wardrobe!

Dress I know, I know, a light summer dress might seem a bit of an odd choice for this season, but who said that you can’t have extra insurance for future months? This is a wonderful all-purpose and universal dress, it’s just a crime not to buy it!

Undergarments Of course, we can’t forget about matching underwear. Maybe others won’t be able to appreciate your spectacular taste, but that’s a minor setback when you’re wearing something as amazing as this! Sure, the Wizardkind might call you weird, but I’m sure your Muggle friends will understand and praise your top notch, green and red, undergarments!

Before you decide to buy these masterpieces, heed my advice; if your Muggle friends aren’t bedazzled by your amazing fashion taste, cut off all contact with them and forget they exist as soon as possible! Clearly, they aren’t aware of what is fashionable these days, and people like them shouldn’t associate with people like you. Aren’t I right? 57

QUIBBLER CRAFTS, BREWS, & HOBBIES

Wizard Chess Set

Recall Attention witches and wizards!

Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes has announced a recall of their popular A Song of Ice and Fire Wizard Chess Set. Even if you don’t own one, you’ve almost certainly seen one. Since the unprecedented obsession with A Song of Ice and Fire has crossed into the wizarding world, many magical businesses have sought to capitalize on the new fad. The W.W.W. Wizard Chess Set inspired by the series is particularly impressive. Instead of the traditional black and white pieces, the set comes with your choice of house pieces. I myself have enjoyed quite a few games with my House Greyjoy set, though I was once clobbered by Ron Weasley with his House Stark set. While the chess set has been wildly popular, Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes is issuing a recall. Apparently the pieces were enchanted too well, continuing to argue and plot even when the game is over and they’ve been packed away in a cupboard. Owners have reported personal injury and property damages resulting from the clever chess

Reported By MacabreGoblin pieces and their devious machinations. One particularly nasty House Lannister set orchestrated a doxy attack on a family of four in Chichester. Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes is offering a full refund on any chess sets from their A Song of Ice and Fire line. In an official press release they cautioned against keeping the chess sets, and that anyone who does assumes responsibility for the consequences. Personally I’ll be keeping my House Greyjoy set. The pieces seem perfectly content sailing around in my bathtub and toppling over the green army men I’ve set up along the rim.

CRAFTS, BREWS, & HOBBIES QUIBBLER

Goblin's Kitchen WRITTEN BY MACABREGOBLIN

Mulled Cider

inter is a wonderful time for food. Hearty soups, rich pies, and dense breads are favorites of the season. My personal favorite winter trend is hot beverages. Hot chocolate, cinnamon tea, you name it - hot drinks in the winter are bliss! The next time youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re curled up with your thick woolen socks and a cozy mystery novel, why not make the experience perfect with some mulled cider? I give to you the Macabre Family Cider Recipe - enjoy!

Ingredients: * 1 gallon of apple cider * 1 teaspoon of allspice (whole) * 1 teaspoon of cloves (whole) * 1 head of star anise * 1 orange, thinly sliced * 1 pinch of nutmeg, finely ground * 4 cinnamon sticks (more sticks optional as stirrers)

Directions: * Place allspice, cloves, and star anise in a tea bag or cheesecloth pouch. * Pour apple cider into your cauldron. Add pouch of spices, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. * Bring cider to a simmer. Do not allow to boil. * Stir in pinch of nutmeg. * Simmer for 10-15 minutes. * Remove spice pouch and cinnamon sticks; discard. * Serve! You can use an additional cinnamon stick in each glass as a stirrer.

QUIBBLER CRAFTS, BREWS, & HOBBIES

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Sugar Cookies

very family has recipes that get passed down from generation to generation. The kids grow up associating those flavors with comfort and joy, and they grow up to make those recipes for their own children. It’s a fine tradition, and it’s especially noticeable during the holidays. For some families it’s a delicious Christmas pudding; for others, it might be a perfect mince pie. In my family we had delicious sugar cookies. Since I’m abstaining from procreating to prevent passing on an unfortunate but frankly well-deserved curse, I bequeath the family sugar cookie recipe to you. I’ve added my own little flair, and I call them Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Sugar Cookies. Enjoy!

Ingredients: * 2 ¾ cups flour

* 1 teaspoon baking soda

* 2 cups white sugar

* ½ teaspoon salt

* 2 eggs

* ½ cup of pearl sugar (for decoration)

* 2 teaspoons vanilla extract

* Your choice of food coloring

* 1 ¼ cups butter, softened

Directions: * Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. * Stir together flour, baking soda and salt in a medium bowl. * In a large bowl, cream together butter and white sugar. * Beat the eggs into the butter mixture, one at a time. * Mix the vanilla into the mixture. * Stir the dry ingredients into the mixture slowly. Once thoroughly mixed, take a toothpick and dip in 60

your food coloring. Add this to the dough and mix until the color is even. Go east with the coloring as you can always add more if you need to, but keep in mind that the cookies will bake a bit lighter than the dough looks, so put in a bit more than you think you’ll need. Green is my favorite color for this! * Roll the dough into Snitch-sized balls and place 2 inches apart on an ungreased cookie sheet (sheet can be lined with foil). Flatten each ball slightly. * Bake for 8 to 10 minutes.

CRAFTS, BREWS, & HOBBIES QUIBBLER

with

The Wandmaker Mathias_Greyjoy CONDUCTED BY ELBOWSSS

Three days ago, I found a piece of paper on my desk. It said only one thing:

There’s a new wandmaker in town.

The idea was intriguing. Ollivander has had a near-monopoly on the market since 382 BC, and the wizards of the world are grossly unaware of the questionable practices there. For example, did you know that the Ollivander family swears by charming the wood to scream in pain while they carve so that the wandmaker can form an emotional attachment to his work? Not only that, but the family has an extremely checkered past of involvement in deforestation. It’s disgusting. The problem was that I had no idea how to find this new wandmaker, so I did what any good investigative journalist would do; I went to aimlessly wander around Diagon Alley. I am no stranger to anonymous tips, and suddenly I seemed to be getting a lot of them. It didn’t take much wandering before a scrunched-up paper was shoved into my hand in the middle of the crowded street. I immediately craned my neck to find the culprit, and I loudly shouted, “HEY, WHO GAVE THIS TO ME? WAS IT YOU?” I pointed to the retreating back of a person in a horrendous orange cloak, but he simply put his hood up and kept walking. I smoothed the piece of paper in my hand to read it: It sounded promising. I pulled out my wand and apparated one block over to the address on the paper. I admired

the squat, stone building before I pulled in the door to enter. Immediately I took a deep, calming breath while I waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. It had a pleasant smell, almost like a barn. To my right was a cloak rack. I took my own off and hung it up next to an orange monstrosity before calling into the eerily silent store. “Hello?” A gentleman wearing modest charcoal grey robes stepped forward from the shadows, and what little light there was in the shop glinted off a long, lethal-looking knife in his hand. I dropped my wand. “Please don’t kill me. I’ll retract my story about the house-elves, I -” “-What? No!” He put down the knife on a nearby counter. He frowned with thick brown eyebrows. “No! I was just getting some carving done! I’ve been here all afternoon, you see. I didn’t even leave my shop for lunch.” He nervously shoved a take-out bag out of sight, but not before I noticed that it was from Florean Fortescue’s parlor. “Is there a reason you’re here?” he asked. “As a matter of fact, there is!” I pulled some parchment along with my Quick Quotes Quill from my bag with flourish. “I hope you will oblige me with an interview, Mr. Greyjoy!” He nodded. “Let’s get started.” Q: How long have you been making wands? A: I personally have been in business since 2012 A.D. Although my ancestors have been around making wands since the 1600s. Q: How many have you made? A: I’ve made well over 100 wands. Q: About how long do you spend on each wand? A: The short answer? As long as it takes to perfect each wand. The long answer? It depends on how intricate the design of a wand is, how dense the wood is, and whether my skills and tools (muggle machines can sometimes be finicky) are up to scratch that day. However, on average it takes somewhere between 2-6 hours to go from ugly chunk of wood to completed wand, sanded, cored and finished. Of course some wands demand more of your attention, so I’ve spent as much as a few days working on 61

QUIBBLER CRAFTS, BREWS, & HOBBIES one specific piece. Q: What got you into it? A: My muggle grandfather was a woodworker, so I learned rudimentary carpentry skills from him and paired it with an interest in Magical Creatures. Q: What does your workshop look like? A: Very messy. I have wood everywhere. Everything is covered in sawdust! My shop is small but still functional. It’s not the best, but it works. Q: What are your favorite woods to work with? A: I enjoy working with Black Walnut for it’s smooth attractive grained timber. They make particularly fined tuned and sensitive wands, and they have a very distinct smell; similar to a barn. I’m equally fond of Holly, though it does tend to be slightly temperamental. Holly holds the record for the highest amount of wands that have “blown up” on my lathe. Q: Least favorite? A: I enjoy and dislike different qualities in all woods, however there are a few that I have found to be more difficult to work with than others. My own wand is of Ebony wood, so I reserve the right to state they are a stubborn and unyielding wood to work with. They also wreak havoc on my tools, making them a little more expensive because of that fact. Oak wood (both Red and English) are tricky to turn on the lathe. They tend to splinter (which can be painful for the me), however the extra struggle is worth it. The finished product makes a very handsome wand, and Oak emits a pleasant, almost creamy smell when you cut it. Q: What are your favorite cores to work with? A: Dragon Heartstring has become a popular favourite amongst my customers. I enjoy working with them the most. They are delicate, yet dangerous, to work with, and they tend to keep me on my toes. Q: Least favorite? A: Phoenix feather is by far the pickiest when it comes to the wood they are paired with. They will become red hot if they are brought into close proximity with a wood they deem unworthy, which causes unwanted burns. It takes years of collected skill and experience to sense which wood will match best with this core. Q: How do you test your wands? A: Each wand I craft is put through a simple, yet effective set of spells to ensure it is fully functional and has no defects. Once I make sure they are in proper condition, the wands must not be used until they choose their masters. Q: Have you ever had any workshop mishaps? A: I have had my fair share of wands “blow up” on me. Bandages are kept on a shelf in my shop. These do get

used up reasonably often. I recall a particular accident with one of my first wands made from Beech wood. As a wandmaker grows in ability, he is able to distinguish the kinds of wood that will be most effective as a wand. However, not all wood is created equal, and some wood simply does not want to be a wand. Q: Have you ever taught anyone else to make wands? Do you plan to? A: I have not had the chance to teach this craft to another witch or wizard, nor do I intend to for the time being. But someday I hope to take on an apprentice. Q: What is the most difficult part of wandmaking? A: Burns and splinters aside, the hardest part is probably the moment you sell the wand. It’s a bittersweet moment however, sad to send away a piece you’ve worked so long on, but glad to see your craftsmanship enter the magical world. Q: Do you use any unusual cores or woods? How do their properties differ? A: In addition to the three Traditional British Supreme Cores (Unicorn hair, Dragon heartstring and Phoenix feather) I have become satisfied with three cores collected from The United States and one from Scandinavia. Fangs from the Dog-headed beast known as the Rougarou. Rougarou wands are best suited to strong minded and determined owners. They make wands that can rival any other for power, though it is often highly underrated. Feathers from the wings of Thunderbirds. These wands are held to be extremely potent, particularly prized by Transfigurers. Though extremely difficult to master, they are capable of performing very advanced magic. Spines from the back of the White River Monster. These are particularly rare and near impossible to collect. Being such a rare creature, this wand respectively seeks a rare breed of Witch or WIzard. They produce strange and mysterious magic. River Monster spine is not suited to what is commonly known as “bangs-and-smells” magic. Horns from the Aquatic Sea Serpent known as the Selma. Selma wands are capable of producing elegant charms and spells, they bond well with Wizards and Witches of fast reflexes. This makes them dangerous dueling wands. Selma horn is useful for water-based magic and has great staying power. I am currently in the process of procuring new unique woods, exclusive to my shop. Stay tuned! Q: Have you ever created a wand that you will never sell? Why? A: Ahh yes, I have two wands that immediately come to mind. The first is my own wand; Ebony wood with a Dragon heartstring core, 13” long, and quite Rigid. I went through quite a bit of struggle to find a design I was truly

“I’ve spent as much as a few days working on one specific piece.”

CRAFTS, BREWS, & HOBBIES QUIBBLER happy with. It’s become something of a magnum opus for me. The other is the wand of the Greatest of the Hogwarts four. Yes that’s right, the legendary Salazar Slytherin, made from real Snakewood, and cored with the genuine bones of a snake, with full assurance this rare artifact is one of my most prized possessions. Q: Is there anything about your wands that is totally unique? Have you made any groundbreaking innovations in the way wands are made? A: Of course! I use real cores in my wands you see. A thin hole is drilled into the base of the wand. You can be assured that this won’t compromise the strength of the wood. These cores are permanently sealed. I use only the highest quality substances in my wands. My wands tend to be better suited to the particular wizard who chose them. The majority of my wands tend to be Rigid, Hard, Unyielding, and Unbending. These create wands that can be more difficult to control, but ultimately they are more loyal than other wands. Q: I’ve heard that you’ve been known to send your wands through the muggle mail (possibly for the convenience of muggle-borns). How do you ensure that there are no accidents with these wands (or that they do not fall into the wrong hands)? A: Along with the option of choosing a shipping option where your item is tracked (for a price of course), I include a special self patented charm I invented which prevents anyone but the one who purchased the wand to open the package. This Charm is a company secret, although I will tell you I was inspired by snitches, which contain complicated flesh memory spells. This, you could say, is a simpler version of that same spell. As of yet, I have never had an issue with wands and the muggle post. Q: Do you prefer your wands to be simple or ornate? Can you describe the most ornate wand you’ve carved? A: This depends, if truth be told, on my mood. I would say on average I prefer to create simpler styled wands, but it can be very fun to create something more ornate. The wood will usually just tell me what it wants to be. I do recall a particularly complicated creation, it was made of Hawthorn, after I cut it down I waited over a year before I started work on it. I spent a number of days slowly working my way through this rare piece of wood. It contained a spiral design on the handle, and I carved runes into the spirals of the handle. I was particularly pleased when this wand was finished. Q: Are there any two wand materials that you refuse to use together in the same wand? Why? A: I will never create a wand that contains more than one

type of wood or one type of core, I consider this to be an abomination of wandlore. Q: How do you feel about wands in the hands on nonhuman creatures, such as house-elves or goblins? A: Well… as it is currently against Magical law to sell wands to non-human creatures I have no intention or desire to break this law. After an unfortunate incident involving the Goblins (which I’m not allowed to speak about yet), I’ve adopted a strict policy to not sell my products to them. Q: Do you ever create alternatives to wands, such as staffs or rings? A: I haven’t officially created any other tools to channel magic, but I may someday! Q: What is the most important magic that has ever been done by a wand that you created? (ex. Built Hogwarts. Defeated Grindelwald. Etc) A: Ahh, you’ll just have to stay tuned for more information. But I’m sure if you purchase a Wolfwood Mills wand, you’ll be certain to perform powerful and astounding magic! __________________________ __________________ I stopped at this moment from the interview. Mr. Greyjoy had visibly relaxed the longer we spoke, and I felt nothing but confidence and intellect coming from him. He was clearly very good at what he did. This was it, I decided. This was the man I had been searching for. The wandmaker with the power to take down Ollivander after he beat me in a bet did those disgusting things with his own wands. I didn’t even bother to stop at my home to edit before I submitted the interview to my editor.

“The wood

will usually just tell me what it wants to be.”

QUIBBLER INSERT

ExClusive Look: The Wand of Master Craftsman Mathias_Greyjoy

hy hello there. My name is Mathias_Greyjoy, and I am the resident Wandmaker here at the Quibbler, and the Owner of Wolfwood Mill. I am but a humble craftsman, whose lifelong hobby (some would say obsession) is to create beautifully made handcrafted wands for Witches and Wizards like you! Wands created by Wolfwood Mills are certified to be made of the actual wood they are listed as. No two wands are the same. Every wand is a one-ofa-kind creation that is sure to make any Witch, Wizard, or Warlock smile. They make exceptional gifts! *We do not sell to Goblins.* What sets my wands apart from other wandmakers is that my wands have real cores in them! A magical substance finds itself inside each of my wands. Please be aware that animals are not harmed in any way while collecting the cores. From my travels through the Wizarding world, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve collected a wide variety of woods and cores, my stores are stocked up and ready. Even though I continue to experiment and collect to this day. I am honoured to bring you a sneak peak of my work. I would like to introduce my own wand to you!

CRAFTS, BREWS, & HOBBIES QUIBBLER

Ebony wood with a Dragon heartstring core 13â&#x20AC;? and Rigid flexibility. Ebony is a dense, jet-black wand wood, with an impressive appearance and reputation. Its black colour is a constant reminder of death. Old superstitions holding ebony wands to be unlucky have sprung up over the last two hundred years, however I maintain these rumours to be baseless. My own wand is made of Ebony, and so it is with all due modesty that I state they perform magic of subtlety and strength. Ebony is highly suited to combative magic, and to Transfiguration. They are happiest in the hands of those with the courage to be themselves. They are found to be possessed by the non-conformist, the highly individual and those who are comfortable with the status of outsider. In my experience the ebony wandâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s perfect match is one who will hold fast to his or her belief; no matter what the external pressure, they choose driven masters, and will not be swayed lightly from their purpose. The heartstrings of Dragons produce wands of sheer power, boasting a lot of magical heft. Dragon wands tend to learn quicker than other types, they are well suited to Transfiguration and to all manner of martial magic. While they can change their allegiance if won from the original master, they always bond strongly with the current owner. The Dragon wand tends to be easiest to turn to the Dark Arts, though it will not incline that way of its own accord. This is not a subtle core, as Dragon heartstring is the most prone of the three British cores to accidents, being somewhat temperamental. Stay tuned loyal students of Wandlore, for more lessons from the Master Wandmaker himself.

QUIBBLER CRAFTS, BREWS, & HOBBIES

Wand Making Tutorial

By DeanIsBatman

What you’ll need: »» A wooden dowel the length and size you want for your wand »» Sandpaper »» Paint »» Wire (16-20 gauge) »» Floral Tape Stem Wrap »» Wood Glue

Sand both ends of your dowel so that they become rounded.

Choose one end to be the wand tip, and sand the thickness of that end to make the wand slightly thinner. Firmly wrap the floral tape around the entire length of the dowel, wrapping multiple times around the grip end. 66

CRAFTS, BREWS, & HOBBIES QUIBBLER Cut a length of wire a few inches longer than the dowel. Carefully wrap the wire around the wood in a spiral pattern.

Cover the entire length of the wand with a coat of wood glue, taking care to apply it evenly.

Cover the wand in a layer of paint, again as evenly as possible. Let it dry thoroughly, and then apply a second layer. Repeat as needed.

Congratulations! Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve just created your FIrst wand.

QUIBBLER INSERT

CRAFTS, BREWS, & HOBBIES QUIBBLER

WELCOME TO K9'S PARTY KORNER! Every Quibbler Edition I'll be providing you wonderful readers with some fun Harry Potter themed activities to bring the extra level of Magic to your Harry Potter Parties!

THE BASILISK GAME Requirements: none This game can be played throughout the party. Assign one person to be the Basilisk. At any point throughout the night, the Basilisk can stop what they are doing and freeze. When this happend, everyone else must also freeze. The last person to freeze must finish their drink, and becomes the next Basilisk

DIVINATIONS CLASS Requirements: a deck of cards. Everyone sits in a circle. Player 1 draws a card. Player 2 must guess the value. They get two attempts, with Player 1 saying 'higher/lower' after the first guess. If Player 2 guesses right, then Player 1 drinks. If they guess wrong, then they drink. If Player 2 gets the card right on their first guess, they get to pick another player to drink with Player 1.

NURSING VOLDEMORT Requirement: a baby bottle for every pair playing. Everyone pairs up into a Voldemort and a Wormtail. They have a baby bottle filled with a drink of their choice (holiday recommendation: try eggnog!). Voldemort is not allowed to touch the bottle, Wormtail must hold it for them. First pairing to finish their bottle wins. 69

HOGWARTS HORROR-SCOPES Madam Starflash Sees what (mis)fortunes will befall you this season!

CAPRICORN THE THESTRAL

TAURUS THE WEREWOLF

VIRGO THE UNICORN

(DEC. 22ND — JAN. 19TH)

(APRIL 20TH — MAY 20TH)

(AUGUST 23RD — SEPT. 22ND)

Capricorns, exercise extreme caution in the kitchen during December! You will be more prone to burns and cuts. It would be prudent to allow your significant Taurus to do the holiday cooking. However, when you hear them create a loud bang, leave the house quickly; you don’t want to take the brunt of that explosion.

Taurus, your spouse’s clumsiness will require you to do all the cooking this holiday. But this gives you opportunity for a lawsuit! When it is time to put the canned soup you purchased three days before the solstice into your casserole, first drop your saucepan with a bang. Then, once you’ve heard your Capricorn Apparate, open the can and duck. After the smoke clears, get a lawyer.

Virgo, the fact that you have no money this season doesn’t have to be an issue. Knit, sew, cook, write; handmade gifts are appreciated as much, if not more, than store-bought ones! Your spectacular cookies tinned and wrapped in a knitwear sweater are sure to be a huge hit!

AQUARIUS THE KELPIE (JAN. 20TH — FEB. 18TH) Aquarius, my dear, St. Mungo’s fills up quickly during the week surrounding Christmas, so book the three beds you’ll need early. Also, make sure you’ve got a nice supply of dittany and murtlap for the family members coming from out of town; two have only just passed their Apparition tests, and your sister’s brood will be using broomsticks.

GEMINI THE VEELA

(SEPT. 23RD — OCT. 22ND)

Libra, it’s time to stop dieting. Go and eat to your heart’s content, because your blood sugar is Gemini, dear, embedded in your Christmas cake dangerously low and if you don’t you are going to will be a silver Sickle. Watch your teeth. From the make yourself sick. The food this time of year is exquisite; you’ve had your eye on those biscuits for moment you bite that, eat with caution; the next thing you find in your food that isn’t edible will be days now. Consume as many calories as you can; it far more sparkly and satisfactory. Not to mention can only help. expensive. Get a manicure before dinner. (MAY 21ST — JUNE 20TH)

PISCES THE MERMAN

CANCER THE FIRECRAB

(FEB.19TH — MARCH 20TH)

(JUNE 21ST — JULY 22ND)

Pisces, Celestina Warbeck will be playing in your town a week before Christmas! You’ll need to skip work to get tickets; purchase a Skiving Snackbox from Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes in Diagon Alley. Be certain that you eat the Fainting Fancy and not the Puking Pastille, as you’ll have a bad reaction to the latter and become sick for real.

Cancer, dueling in pubs and boasting loudly on Christmas Eve may seem like a manly way to show off your strength, but recall Beedle the Bard’s tale. Think carefully of what happened to the eldest brother. Remember that his wand was the legendary Elder Wand and he was actually able to defeat his opponent before he was murdered in his sleep.

ARIES THE HIPPOGRIFF

LEO THE SPHINX

(MARCH 21ST — APRIL19TH)

(JULY 23RD — AUGUST 22ND)

Aries, your Aquarian sister has reserved three beds in St. Mungo’s, but you can prevent one of them being needed by your son. Do not allow him to touch the roasting chestnuts. Do not allow him to touch the nutcracker. Do not allow him to touch the cat. Bind his fingers with Spello-Tape when you get off your broomsticks.

Leo, this is the time of year when everyone starts to get sick. Nobody wants to be ill now, though! When making the invitations for your holiday party (which should be non-denominational because three of your friends are actually Jewish), attach a small bottle of Pepper-Up Potion to each card.

LIBRA THE DRAGON

SCORPIO THE VAMPIRE (OCT. 23RD — NOV. 21ST) Scorpio, garden gnome infestations are an awful pain. But don’t be too upset, because Stunned gnomes stuffed into tutus and covered in glitter make excellent tree-toppers! For the month of December, take one gnome for your Christmas tree and leave the rest to burrow beneath your garden; it’s cold out there.

SAGITTARIUS THE CENTAUR (NOV. 22ND — DEC. 21ST) Sagittarius, your love of books will once again go ignored this holiday season, and you will receive more socks than you know what to do with. You must stop quoting Albus Dumbledore. Particularly because you don’t like wearing socks at all; you prefer to go barefoot. I certainly do.

K9'S KILLER CROSSWORDS!

RESPONSES

Twilight Sprout

A12

Hokey

A10

Moonstone

Ravenclaw

Lettuce

Albania

D11

Portus

Charms

Dentist

Avery

Hedgehog

Occlumency

14 15

Maroon

5 6 7 11

What is the 25th Chapter of Order of the Phoenix? Crup is to Jack Russel as Knarl is to _____ Which Death Eater did Voldemort punish with crucio in the Graveyard scene? What career did Hermione's parents have? Which OWL did Augustus Longbottom fail? What is the incantation for creating a Portkey? What country did Bertha Jorkins disappear in?

A13

10 12

1 2 3

A14

8 9

After Lockhart was done with it, that Vampire could only eat WHAT? [allegedly] What Hogwarts House is Marcus Belby in? To his 5th Years, Snape assigned an essay: "The properties of _____ and it's uses in potion-making" What is Hepzibah Smith's house elf's name? What was the first flavor Bertie Bott's flavor Ron had when he and Harry shared candy on the train? In Mollyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s version of the story, what time of day/night were the 3 Brothers traveling down that road? What color is Ron's Weasley Sweater every year? On the way to the Dursleys, what city was Hagrid flying over when Harry fell asleep?

Bristol

DOWN

A15

ACROSS

The Travel Department’s Editor Black_Belt_Troy is proud to say he has not eaten a Fizzing Whizbee in seventeen years. Because of his background in the Floo Network Regulatory, he is often dragged from office to office to help the rest of the staff whenever someone gets lost in the wrong grate. Troy has a collection of Portkeys that are made of gold and has been banned from three different galaxies.

Elphabaisfae, Head of Sports, is rather uncoordinated for an athlete. She has a number of burns from her tendency to set Bludgers on fire before releasing them. Elphaba rides an antique Shooting Star, which she also likes to ignite. Elphie loves Dirigible Plum tarts and has recently taken to dying everything she wears purple.

Newly promoted Head of Entertainment Marsthemush has a fondness for costumes and an appreciation for the disco balls he inherited from his predecessor. He has been seen sneaking into Divination Tower after hours, causing strange fights between the Payroll Overlord and Editor-in-Chief. Mars is a descendant of the wizard who jinxed Sonnets of a Sorcerer, and he enjoys performing monologues backwards to confuse his coworkers.

Magical Plants and Creatures Editor Sparkas loves wildlife of all kinds. What she calls “loveable pets” are what others call “deadly monsters”. She is a huge fan of anything fire-breathing, and has gone over budget twice importing illegal cross-breeds into her office. In her spare time, Sparkas wanders the castle looking for boggarts and holds student tours in the Forbidden Forest.

Education Editor IckleRonnie_ is often nervous, as she was once an Unspeakable in the Department of Mysteries. Her prior job left her with a permanent stutter and frequent tremors. Ickle can often be found wearing a large purple turban, which she has stuffed with garlic to ward off vampires. She is not allowed in the Art Department when the Production Manager is there.

Head of the Dark Arts Department MacabreGoblin is using the power of her position to further her campaign to make Muggle-hunting legal. Mac is obsessed with fish of all kinds. She has the rare ability to pull fish skeletons out of her mouth, fully intact, after swallowing one whole. In her free time, Mac practices the Unforgivable Curses on anyone who dares offer her zucchini.

COLLECTIBLES

Head of the Fashion Department, Srslywtfdood has an eye for the latest trends and an infatuation with garden shears. He leaves a large trail of sequins in his wake wherever he goes. Dood often forgets himself and gets cheeky, yelling at the Editor-in-Chief. He has been on probation since July, pending appeal.

TheDUQofFRAT, Head of the News & Features Department, is a bit of a grump, with a temper as foul as his mouth. His feud with the Entertainment Office, just above his own, is legendary. If Duq is not in his office, he can be found in the library. His affair with the head of HR is a complete secret. So, naturally, the whole staff knows. Duq has webbed toes and is given a wide berth by the Payroll Overlord. 73

Classifieds Reach your Prospects First

LOST AND FOUND

FOR SALE

PERSONALS

FOUND: DRAGON

NIMBUS 2001

A life-sized stuffed Antipodean Opal-Eye Dragon with a long, jagged scar across its snout. Found on the (former) sidewalk of 66 Nettle Rd, London. Please come and pick it up from local authorities as soon as possible, they've Obliviated roughly 14 Muggles already.

My old broomstick (a nimbus 2001). Sure it's a little dated but it's a trusty little guy and it will do well for any witch or wizard, whether you are new to flying or you're an expert. I'm only selling it because I've earned enough to buy a new broom (not because it has been acting weird since I went to visit /u/Macabregoblin in the dark arts department) and I think I'm finally ready to say goodbye to it. I'll sell it to the highest asking price, contact /u/xboxg4mer on reddit.

BUBBLY WITCH SEEKS WITTY WIZARD

FOUND: PRICELESS PHOTGRAPH One, signed Gilderoy Lockhart picture. I was walking down Diagon Alley getting the last of my supplies for my sixth year when I saw it hung up on a wall, near Knockturn Alley, with a moustache, thick eyebrows and glasses drawn on it. I did a quick charm which cleaned it right up! (Well almost, Lockhart started throwing up when I did the spell but after some bed rest he appears to be better). FOUND: INVISIBILITY CLOAK Found an invisibility cloak! I'd like to return it to the original owner! LOST: INVISIBILITY CLOAK Lost an invisibility cloak! I'd like to get it back so I can return it to it's original owner! LOST - BLIBBERING HUMDINGER I have lost my Blibbering Humdinger and can't seem to find it. It has been lost since May of 1998, but I have faith it is still out there. Please help us be reunited.

JOBS THE QUIBBLER IS HIRING! Do you love to write or draw? Does nobody "get" your humor? Are you a little on the loony side? The Quibbler wants YOU! NOW HIRING! Direct all employment queries to Madam Starflash, Divination Tower. WEREWOLF HUNTER Werewolf attacks are on the rise. We are looking for any and all able bodies to help us fight the blight!

SHOOOOOEEES Sale! Eighty-five and a half pairs of shoes, assorted sizes, colors, styles, and degrees of shabbiness. Confiscated from the entire Quibbler staff. Mix and match; everything must go! Offering discounts when you buy three or more pairs. While supplies last! MUGGLE CINEMA?? I have two hundred tickets to the opening of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, good for any Muggle theater. 10 Galleons a pair, price is non-negotiable. Just don't tell anyone where you got 'em! Find me in the gutter between Knockturn and Diagon Alley. MOON FROGS FOR SALE I have been making regular visits to the Moon on my Firebolt, and now have a surplus I wish to sell. They make fantastic pets, are useful in many potions, and carrying one on the full moon protects you from werewolves. Only One Galleon each!

WANTED CRIMINALLY INCLINED RODENT 1 rodent like professor has escaped the local mental facility. 5'2 brunette, with long hair around 3 inches above her butt. Please see a non recent picture of her, here. If you see the crazed /u/secretsquirrel_ anywhere in the area, please do not approach her, and contact /u/viper9 on 0800 GETVIPER (43884737)

Bubbly, scatterbrained witch seeks witty, practical wizard. Must love puppies, nighttime broomstick rides, and butterbeers by the fire. Education a must, but will not discriminate based on house. Love travel, especially the tropics. If interested send owl to Quibbler HR. IS DANGER YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Adventurous American witch seeks Danger-loving wizard. Loves flying, mystery, and danger. Quill-pushers need not apply. Proficient at apparition a requirement. Must not be afraid of dragons or heights. Preference given to aurors, members of the hit squad, or wizards with other dangerous occupations. Send owl to Quibbler HR if interested. MISSED CONNECTIONS You were hanging out with your buddies at the Leaky Cauldron last weekend. I was with my squad celebrating a friend’s birthday. Our eyes met across the room and it was like I’d been struck by the Avada Kedavra curse. In that moment, I knew that we were destined to having matching patronuses. I was wearing a Holyhead Harpies patch. If this was you, send an owl addressed to Quibbler HR telling me what you were wearing and which Quidditch match was on. LOOKING4WIZARD Cute, smart goal-orientated witch looking for some wizard to adventure through life with. Must be prepared to deal with faerie collections, excitement over rare spell books, and always ready to eat pastries and other baked delights.

BUSINESS COMMUNITY Hogsmeade’s Annual Christmas Charity Dinner will be December 24th. If you would like to volunteer, please OWL Brennan for more information. Everyone is welcome to join us in celebration.

OFFER Stop by Smiling Winky’s with this ad for a deal that will be sure to make you smile all night long! Buy one Butterbeer, get a second one free! Bring a friend and share! Offer valid in our Hogsmeade branch ONLY. Offer expires January 1st. OFFER Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes will be having a mega sale December 17th thru December 24th. Stop by any location for out of this world savings. Great for any child in the family! Visit today! HIRING Smiling Winky’s is hiring for the holiday season! All jobs available. Looking for waiters, cooks, bartenders, and bouncers. No experience necessary! Stop by our Diagon Alley branch for more information! SERVICES I am trying to raise a bit of money for the holidays. I can help you decorate for the season. Be the envy of your neighbors with my help! Also, I am willing to teach some nifty spells for the season for 5 galleons. Please contact me! Owl Annie for more information. OFFER Pygmy puff sitter for the holidays! I am visiting my pygmy puff allergic mother for the holidays and will be unable to take my Pygmy puff with me. I will be gone for a week. Sitter must visit my Pygmy Puff at home for an hour every day. I can pay 2 galleons per the hour! Owl Dani if interested! EEYLOPS OWL EMPORIUM IS LOOKING FOR A NEW STAFFMEMBER The Eeylops Owl Emporium is opening a second location in Paris to celebrate the London store's 500 year existence! We are looking for a new staffmember to lead the second store as shop manager. We expect you to be perfectly bilingual and capable of handling both small and larger owls of any breed. Contact us post haste with your curriculum vitae!

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