Volume 13, Special Issue - April 1, 1991 by Met Media

- - - -- •

THE

ETREPELLENT MSCD OVERTHROWS,AHEC The Metropolitan newspaper's April Fools Day edition, repelling the Auraria Campus since 1991

Denver, Colorado

Volume 1, Issue 1

April 1, 1991

Violent three-day uprising ends with exile of AHEC, CU-D and CCD from campus S.L. Oppy The Metropollution Spring break was anything but quiet at the fonner Auraria Campus. In a violent three-day coup, Metropolitan State College of Denver seized control of the campus from Auraria Higher Education Center and ousted AHEC's ruling class along with University of Colorado at Denver and Community College of Denver. President of the new Metropolitan State College of Denver Campus, Thomas B. Brewer, said the time was right. "AHEC forces were weak from recent skirmishes with the Hahn Company and Trizec Corporation (leaseholders of the Tivoli Brewery building)," he said. "All the pieces were in place . . . spring break, fatigued AHEC forces and apathy from CU-D and CCD factions." MSCD forces used the parking garage as an enormous bunker, launching penetrating SCUD attacks on AHEC administration

...

buildings from there. A severe lack of organization and moments of plain bad luck contributed to AHEC' s rapid loss. The Auraria Public Safetymanned PATRIOT system malfunctioned during the heaviest MSCD missile attack according to APS Public Information Officer Jim Ferguson. "There was nothing we could do but run for cover," Ferguson said. AirraidsbyMSCD'sAlphaEta Rho, Professional Aviation Fraternity, went unanswered when AHEC parking monitors ran out of ammunition for their anti-aircraft guns. The monitors retaliated by ticketing all the cars belonging to the MSCD force. Later they surrendered without resistance when confronted by the president's special forces. The sorties were effective in flushing out AHEC administrators from the administration building, at which time they were captured and imprisoned in the PER Building.

The MSCD chapter of ROTC caught Professional Food Management and Student Union Conference Services employees completely off guard and were able to take the Student Union and cafeteria without a struggle, a victory considered crucial to the effort by MSCD officials. "They always say an army marches on its stomach," Brewer said. "If they had held that cafeteria, we could have been in a world of hurt come weekend." Chancellor John Buechner, CUD, is leading his refugee students to the rejected Gateway baseball site to form shanty classrooms, but maintains hope that they will be back. 'Tom (Brewer) and I go back a long way," Buechner said. "Even if AHEC doesn't regain control, he'll let us have some classroom space as soon as the martial law is institu ted." Byron McClenney, CCD president, wasunavailableforcomment The CCD faction is allegedly hiding out in secret tunnels under St.

Cajetan's, formerly an arsenal used by AHEC. Reasons for the coup have been compounded over several years, according to Brewer. "I received a complete dossier on AHEC when I got here, and I've just been adding to it," Brewer said. "That so-called amphitheater, AHEC intentionally sabotaging the ' Runners basketball season with the PER reconstruction and various incidents of extortion are just a drop in the bucket. They've really been asking for it." JoAnn Soker, vice president for Administration at AHEC, was not permitted, as a POW, to speak to the press. Former vice president for Administration at AHEC, Jim Schoemer, now at Regis College, said he had seen it coming. "Are you kidding? Why do you think I left," he said. "I could see the dissent. I saw the rumblings when that amphitheater went in." Elated MSCD focces celebrated victory by removing all AHEC, CU-D and CCD insignia from the campus and buying back used

books for almost 75 percent the original price. Martial law is expected to be in place by the second week of April and will involve curfews, off-limits areas and mandatory work details for the completion of several campus projects. The parking garage will be open to MSCD exclusively, and without a daily fee. Loss of revenue from MSCD will be made up in property seizures and exorbitant fines and fees for AHEC, CU-D and CCD. "Martial law will not effect. members of the Metropolitan State CollegeofDenverfamily,··L. .... wc1 said, "only the outlanders." Brewer's field commander, David Williams, also vice president of Academic Affairs and Student Affairs, said he had never seen the president so jubilant. "After our most successful SCUD attack I came in and told Tom AHEC had surrendered," Williams said. "He jumped up on his desk, on top of all his maps of the campus and said 'This is a greater victory than the Alamo. "'IJ•

MSCD president impregnated by aliens Brewer covers up abduction with hospital visit story, but pregnancy hard to hide David 0. Yeahsezwho The Metrecalcitrant

Aglow with the triumph of his recent campus coup, MSCD President Thomas B. Brewer held a press conference April l to announce that he had another reason to be aglow. Brewer shocked members of the press by revealing that he has been impregnated by space aliens. "My wife and I are absolutely overcome with excitement over the prospect of up to 28 new additions to our family," Brewer said, grinning widely. Brewer arrived at that number by virtue of the type of alien which he claims abducted him and sexually subjugated him for three days in February - a period of time in which Brewer originally claimed he was in the hospital for prostrate surgery . Scientists speculated that the gestation period for the aliens is just more than one month and can produce more than two dozen larvae-like offspring. Though con-

cemed about her husband's health because ofhis ordeal, Betty Brewer was ebullient over the possibility of the pitter-patterofcountless little feet. "Oh, most definitely," she said. "There's something so special about the creation of new life even alien li~e. And this time he has to do all the work." The Brewers have two children already. Brewer joked about his family finally reaching an acceptable minority level, a veiled reference to a controversial minority hiring policy that pays departments $5,000 for hiring a minority teacher. "I don't really think we can get any state money for them unless we find them jobs at the school and that would be nepotism," Brewer said. Brewer was unclear on many of the details surrounding his kidnapping. As far as he could remember, he was walking on campus Feb. 18 when a multi-colored cloudoflight surrounded him and he felt a strange disembodied sensation. "It was exactly like it would be if you could really be beamed up,"

said Brewer, an avowed Trekkie. He insists no alcohol was involved. He claims that the next thing he knew he was on board the alien's ship and surrounded by "at least 20 of the slimy little things. They were insistent as hell and not very big on hygiene, but they sure had a neat ship." Brewer is equally vague on the biological implications of his pregnancy. "We'll play it by ear, literally," he said. Apparently the ear is the birth canal for this species of alien. Any complications could necessitate an operation like a tracheotomy to remove the infant aliens without injury. "I wonder if they breast feed," Brewer speculated, glancing down at his chest with trepidation. The entire incident has left the Brewers shaken but elated. Their next step is to embark on the formidable task of selecting names. Brewer is angry about the circumstances but pleased with the results. He said he wished they had asked him first. "They didn't even respect me in the morning," he said. If

MSCD President Thomas B. Brewer exudes maternal pride.

April 1, 1991

THEMETROPOLITAN

NEWS In-town annex

Tivoli named new airport downtown terminal David 0. Whatever The Metrepugnant ·

In a bold move as the new "dictator for life" of the former Auraria Campus, MSCD President Thomas B. Brewer struck a complex deal April 1 with the city of Denver turning over the struggling Tivoli Brewery mall to the Denver International Airport for use as a downtown terminal. Prompted by city council complaints that the new airport is "simply too far away," the deal will provide a close-in annex with two added runways. One runway will be located on the rejected Gateway site for the proposed baseball stadium. That iirr;in~ement is ro:itingent on floodcoritrol measures along the South Platte river. Phil Anschutz, owner of the property, however, doesn't see that as a problem. "Jftherivergetsalittlehigh, we can always land sea planes," Anschutz said. Theotherrunwaywill be located on the Sixteenth Street mall, which Mayor Federico Peiia claims is ·'empty most of the time anyway." Peiia went on to explain that more walk/don't walk signals will be installed and wired into the control tower which will be located in the D& F Tower. "People will just have to be a little more aware on their lunch

hours," Pena said. Bicycles still will not be allowed on the mall. The plan to use the Tivoli as additional terminal space has drawn mixed reviews from current and past Tivoli tenants. "They'll get over it," Brewer said. "What we have here is an opportunity to earn an international reputation for this campus. You know, terrorism, massive delays and religious literature." Steele Platt, owner of the defunct EFEX nightclub and known by some·as the "foundering father" of the Tivoli said: "This'll be great. I might reinvest in (the mall). My bouncers would finally have something to do; they could chase off the Hare Krishnas instead of beating up baseball players." The Hare Krishna void could be filled nicely by Campus Advance, Brewer said. Michael McCarty, owner of Adirondacks, was less enthusiastic than Platt about the plan. "I don't like it," McCarty said. " Airport food in this country has a world-wide reputation and frankly, I don't want the compt:tition." Ron Rutt, director of parking for the Tivoli, was ecstatic o.Jer the possibility of vastly increased parking revenues. "Oh, I just cannot wait. We'll finally be able to tow all these damn students who park in here for the price of a cinnamon roll." Brewer said some current Stu-

Proposed runway

...........

················rwui····· ••••••••••••••••••••••• ...;

.s:

Auraria Parkway ...;

Larimer St.

.s: · Tivoli/Proposed

Oi downtown terminal Lawrence St.

-g

Arapahoe St.

(1) ~

m c ~ < I» c.. 0

New MSCD Campus

dent Union operations will be incorporated into the new terminal/ mall, including several campus club organizations. Alpha Eta Rho, the Professional Aviation Fraternity, will be a natural for the new facility, according to club President Kristy DeLine. "This may be the closest some of our members will ever get to an actual airport," DeLine said. The Gamers, another club that will be relocated, were also excited about the prospect. Requesting anonymity, one member said, "Oh yeah,justthink of it, all those video machines."

Harry Gianneschi, new director of the MSCD Physical Plant, was reluctant to discuss a component of the plan that would allow for additional hangar space in the "soon-to-be-completed" MSCD Gymnasium. Gianneschi would neither confirm nor deny rumors that the gym will become the new dual-purpose home of the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum annex as well as the mighty MSCD Roadrunners. "Ican'treallycommentonthat," Gianneschi said. "But I will say this: Ifyou thought Adrian (MSCD basketball star Adrian Hutt) could

>- • .Proposed ca ~ • •control tower c • •

... •• • •• &. •• ...0 • • ll.. • :::I

"C Q)

Ill

sky, waittill you seeournew Stealth Bomber exhibit." Addressing concerns expressed by some council members that the various components of the airport complex will be too widely scattered across the downtown area, Giannesthi said the stainless steel circus tent concept has not been ruled out. "That's right. We're still taking a hard 'look at putting all of downtown underone big cozy postmodern piece of schlock art," Gianneschi said. A move that would be funded entirely by stuIf dent fees.

CoPSLoP Public Safety records under investigation by feds Roxanne Agostinelli The Metrepulsive

The Federal Bureau of lnvestigations has taken an interest in the Metropolitan State College of Denver Campus. Apparently the campus is the only area in the nation that has such a low crime rate in the midst of the highest crime district in a metropolitan area. "We don't want to imply that they had been falsifying reports," Agent Ben Plantenbugs said. "B ut isn't it hard to believe that this place is some sort of island fortress in a turbulent sea of crime?" The investigation had been requested by Campus President Thomas B. Brewer in conjunction with journalism instructor James Brodell. "Jay came in and said he had

been suspicious of Auraria Public Safety the whole time," Brewer said. "After the coup we seized all the records and called in a special investigator." Brodell said he had written numerous letters to various officers at Public Safety, but was not satisfied with their answers. "They had a list of statutes that they said they adhered to," Brodell said. "For my money, they didn't even know what statutes they were citing ... probably something about how dueling is illegal in Colorado." Brewer refused to comment on allegations that MSCD forces were attempting to torture confessions out offormer Auraria Public Safety officer Jim Ferguson and former Chief David Rivera by force feeding them cafeteria patty melts and cold french fries, a direct violation of the Geneva Convention. Plantenbugs said the investigation had not yet yielded any solid

proof of tampering, but that the real digging had just begun. " I've never, in all my put-together, seen a system like this one," he said. "It's like it's in some kind of code". He said that he had uncovered some really extraordinary crimes however. "You wouldn't believe some of the places people have been found, you know, copulating," he said. Among other crimes committed on campus, removing the stuffing from cushions in the lounges, unauthorized exhibition of video tapes---a direct violation of the FBI wam.ng--and forgery of student identification cards were among the most frequently occurring crimes on campus. "One of the more intriguing reports I found, which goes far in explaining why I was called here, was about the teacher who tipped off Brewer," Plantenbugs said.

Apparently, in late January Brodell was exiting the Mission when Ferguson began hassling him about Colorado Revised Statutes. According to Field Majors, manager of The Mission, Brodell had been in the establishment most of the day and consumed the better part of three kegs of beer. Brodell, naming, then defining the statute he was violating, pulled off his stocking cap, slapped Ferguson in the face and challenged him to a duel. Ferguson, shocked by the assault, ran back to Public Safety Director Rivera and demanded Brodell's head on a platter. According to the report, when Brodell was taken in, his only comment was, "So what, I'm not running for political office." Other unusual crimes included a report from MSCD student body president Dan Holden whose razor, blades and shaving cream were

allegedly stolen from his office, car and home. "I'm outraged that someone would want to make me look unkempt," Holden said. A single incident of gang-related violence involved The Metrepellent's columnist, Dave Plank. Plank had been beaten badly by a group of about 15 people. The only description of the assailants Plank was capable of giving was that they all wore bright yellow baseball caps. A rather cryptic report sketched out details of a group arrest at MSCD's student publications office. The report indicates that the entire staff of The Metrepellent had committed and had been committing felonious self-indulgence. Plantenbugs said that although it is an obscure law, it is still punishable by death in Colorado. If

~ ~--

April I , 1991

THE METROPOLITAN

SPORTS I

Westhead replaced

... '

Hull leaves 'Runners for Nuggets Hoops O'Chondriac The Metrevolting In a move that has shaken the professional basketball world, the Denver Nuggets have fired head coach Paul Westhead and named Bob Hull from Metropolitan State College of Denver to take over the helm of the pathetic team. The Nuggets made the announcement of the change at a press conference in the Auraria Student Union broom closet April l. Hull said he had more important things to do and didn't attend the press conference. Stephan Brodsky, a spokesman for Hull, said that Hull is thrilled about the opportunity to turn around a team that obviously has no immediate future, butatthesametimeisdeeply saddened about leaving MSCD. Aftercompilinga 115-57 record at MSCD, Hull will be taking over a Nugget team which, under Westhead,hasarecordofl8-52the worst in the NBA. "I thought we had the right guy forthe job before, but read my lips, this time I know we have the right guy," Peter Bynoe, one of the Nuggets' minority owners, said at the press conference. The Nuggets plan to keep Westhead on through the remainder of his contract. Westhead will not have any coaching responsibilities and his position with the

team will be as a medical consultant. The task facing Hull is a formidable one. With the likely possibility of drafting in the lottery, Brodsky said Hull has already prepared a list of possible draftees. Since the Nuggets plan on cutting the payroll by 120 percent, Hull will be limited when draft day rolls around. With everything considered, Brodsky said Hull is expected to take the best athlete available that will fall into the Nuggets new payroll limitations. Hull is already hedging toward one player who he believes could turn the team around in the future. TriciaBader,the5-foot-4guard from Roaring Fork High School in Carbondale is that player, Brodsky said. Bader's credentials are impressive. She led the West Slope team to three straight state championships and was named Colorado women's player of the year by both "The Denver Post" and the "Rocky Mountain News." Michael Adams is in no danger of losing his job but Brodsky said he thinks Bader should be able to stepinandcontributeimmediately. Hull has said that since Bader is already more physical than most of the Nuggets players, she could seesometimeatthepowerforw~d

position. Other changes are in the works as well according to Hull and the Nuggets organization. Confidence

is a major concern for both. The Nuggets confidence has been shattered and rebuilding the selfesteem is "priority one." Brodsky presented a two-step plan that has been devised by Hull to help with the lack of confidence facing the Nuggets: I. Since the competition in the NBA is obviously too tough for the Denver Nuggets, an easier schedule is the only option to get the players to believe they can win. The Nuggets have commissioned the Colorado High School Activities Association to allow them to play against high school opposition. Playing a high school schedule will help the players gain some confidence and increase the number of wins for the team but Hull doesn't want to jump in feet first. Brodsky said Hull confessed to him, "'The upper classifications will be too tough for us in the first couple of years.'" So the Nuggets will play only teams from the I A classifications in the first two years. 2. The second step in rebuilding the Nuggets' confidence is playing in front of larger crowds. Hull has devised a plan to get a packed house for the Nuggets to play in front of in the future. Since McNichols Arena has had so many empty seats this season Hull has asked Metro State to allow the Nuggets to play at the new MSCD Gymnasium when it' s

.Denver Nugget Michael Adams responds to Westhead's replacement. completed. The new gymnasium will hold approximately 3,000 people so the Nuggets will have the opportunity to play in a full house. The Nuggets and Hull realize it may take several years before the Nuggets will attract even close to the3,000requiredtofill theMSCD Gymnasium but they think this will be the "ticket" in re-building the confidence of the Nuggets. Nuggets ownership, the trio of Bob' Wussier, Bertram Lee and Bynoe, are thrilled about adding Hull to the team family. "Hull, Bob that is, will be the perfect addition to the team and should be the right guy to help us accomplish our ultimate goal of winning a world championship,"

news of

Bynoe said. 'Tm absolutely thrilled about Hull, Bob that is, running this team," Lee said. " I think that we will be a legitimate contender for the 1A title, if not next year. definitely the year after." Wussier was asked at the press conference if he thought the Nuggets were now on the right track. "Uh, uh , I ... , uh," Wussier stuttered, and then some drool slid out of the comer of his mouth and he ran sobbing from the room.

-l I

One other announcement that Bynoe wanted to make was that Brodsky left his wallet at the press conference and ifhe needed it back, please call him after his vaction in the Bahamas. If

----Opening -------.. ---·• . ---------------------------.. ,....-··-··-··-..-··-··-··, . ;rs Soon!

the NEW

Tivoli Airport! ..

Come fly with us the way retai I never could! • Minutes from downtown • Easy access to campus •No lines, no waiting, no hassles, no food, no drink, no shopping, no service, no nothing! Expires November 13, 1991

~p-·-

.A£d ll'-

-~~

Probation Officer

Help Keep the B uffs out of Cuffs!

LAPD experience a plus

Deper.Jable, strong-willed individual LAPD experience a plus

LAPD experience a plus

,GtZc{~~ !1 =

£~--~~CJ c ~CJ.~~--~~~--~ ~ ·

r r r

Knowledge of sexually deviant behavior helpful

Call Bill McCartney for more details.

NO~OKING

A.GA.S. Fooci5

h~i~ t~~ t1m~~! r~!~!

!Jlt WU down?

Daily Special

The CURL& HVRL

~~ m~r~ wur 1~~ tu ~~ ~~~r !~lu !

~UI r~~r mil~! ill ~~~r t~m~~!!

Windbnet~newtoimcke!

Auraria ~ium Uen now open In the s tudent Union

~ ....,,

CALL NOW!

available at the Student Union Cafetearia

Test Drive One Today!

....-··-··-. -..-··-. -·... 555-ZOOM

......

..• .

••• •

•

.•

•

...

. ... -·~

... .. . .

.. . ._J

. ••

........ . ·.• .

. . ... .-· . . - ... ..•. ~

•~ . . •·

. :· . ~-·· . • ..

. .•-·

The Auraria Book Center cordially invites you to

· ·~

•

.• • _

. ..-:

•

. ...

... ·--. .. .. . ._,. • ..

-----------

-... . . . . .. . .. . . el'

'!'

•••

.....

' .. ... .· ·..··. .·,4P• . . ·.. . .. .· .•:... . . .. ,·'"'. ....·.•.. ..,. ,.. ·- ·.· ...'l .........-.. ·... . ...••.·......' .. . .•·.• :· . ...···-~ . ...... -. "....-.....; ~ - . - < #

~-,·.

~·

....

·::,·

. .•

- .1-...•. •

•

•• •.

•

·•·

. .-

-- ...

:.·

. . ·........ . , . . •..... ...... . ·: ...... .·. . . . . . ... ;

•

;.~_.-.

·~

....,

. ...

.... .... -. ·- ... ... ..... . .. •- . ....... .·....... .•.......... • .,. .....' .. ...... . . --. ........,. - ..... . . .... .-- . - - .. - ...... . . ..·• ·. .·.•. • ~ •• 1 · • . • •. -

:: .

·:_

.-.£ . -··-.......

·.

- · ·:~ " • . _,_

.,,;.·

. -~ .

·.•

··· . . . .. ~ . .

...

'!'

•

•• . ... •.

. ~.

•

=- .

. ..

.·-•. -; ..... .. . . , , .. :•. ~~.... -· -~

•

. . ._. ~ •t-~ · .,.:,..~. .

•

#>·

.· . • . • -· • •.... •

_..,. . .. .. -... . ...... ... .• . .. . ··" .. ·- ••.•. ·•.ti!:.,.,. .~

~ . : -'!. ·. ....... . :. · ·- •..,, ·.-·: ,._ .: . " ~ . =·.. • .,_... .... - ·•• ·• ~ . ·... .. . - .

-.. -

..•. . .... ....

..-

- .-

. ·..• ·. .

. ... . . ..... . .:~ . -_ ~;..- :i

. ..

~,,,

.. .. ., .. . .. ....... .-

-. ~ •! ·..,,--~.. . . • ~·~ • ; .

-·

-.-..·-1 •

:·::•

. •. .·.

• ... . .

......

• • ••... .:·.,,,,, ;....i_.·, :

.. __ ••.•

.•.. •·,, ....··...· .' . ..... ... ., ...-.. .. .- .··· ... .. ..-.·...... .. •· •. ~,..

••. · • •• 4':•

. ·: ., .. ...:·! ..· .,,. .. .. . . . . ••

•.. . •

. .

•

•18L.&..

~--=-

••

-. •

..·

•

.....

••

for the authors on • Wednesday, April 3 from 12-1:30 p.m.

•.

•

~ •.••••• • •: ~ · ~":

... • . . . •

Please join us at a reception

•

• ' • .:'

~~~:-,",;

•

•.

~,.

..- -•i .,,.....··:•·:· ·.·«.. •r,•• ·~ ·: . #.. • . • • . ·-· ·- ·-· "' :-'• . •

•, . ·. . . .... .•.. ... .... Ar •• ~--

.... ~- • •• • ""'9f" ,. . . ··~..,. •

Community College of Denver Metropolitan State College of Denver University of Colorado at Denver Auraria Higher Education Center

. . . ......•.. . -.. · . : - . . . # ..• ~

..--

,..

A celebration of the books authored by the faculty and staff at

• •

• • -· • ~~.

.-.

APRIL 1-6

•

. •.,.

4': ··• .

e"'.

..:: •• .•

•

. .... . . .·~ ... •

·..

·-"-~~.: ~

.. . ........ . .·. . .. .. __ ·-· •.

...- •

,.,.

. -··.·. , ·-. . - , . ·.. ·.

··;.

~ ,. ·.. -~

•

., • ~.=:....· ·..

....

. -

.•.· .. ·•~. ·

·..·•· .· · ·'~~-- .

·~

•

... ·~ •

. •

........ . ·.

...

•

·-

·· · ~

••

_,,

. •. :

., ... . . ..

••.

o •

AURARIAStBOOK CENTER Lawrence Way & 9th

556-3230 M-Th 8-6, F 8-5, Sat 10-3