The Spanner Magazine Issue 30 by Spanner Magazine

Issue No. 30 Summer 2011

Dead Cat Bounce

Comedy rock at its finest

Top 10 things bitches love

In the News

Danny McBride Melting your face

Marketing Discovery: People often buy things that they like Government falls for Nigerian scam Ageing Dublin gang leader afraid heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll die of natural causes Office in stitches at workerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s endless Anchorman references

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Contents / Editorial

Contents

Editorial

Ageing Dublin gang leader afraid he’ll die of natural causes

Government falls for Nigerian scam

Marketing discovery: people often buy things that they like

Ofﬁce in stitches at worker’s endless Anchorman references

Top ten things bitches love

Summer movie guide

Lookalikeys

Spanner pics

Smedias 2011

Drunken disaster

Danny McBride

Voice of the people

Summer festival guide

The arts student

Dead Cat Bounce

Guide to a free night out

Editorial enquiries, encouragements and complaints: Mark Walsh Email: editor@oxygen.ie Advertising: Aisling Quigley Email: aisling@oxygen.ie Tel: 01 6471540 Commercial Enquiries: Colman Byrne Email: colman@oxygen.ie Our Spanner stories are all made up and should not be taken in any way shape or form as truth. The Spanner also contains material that is not suitable for persons under the age of 16, and some material may also be unsuitable to other readers. All content remains the copyright and intellectual property of Oxygen.ie. All rights reserved.

Greetings Spanners and Spannerettes, Welcome to the thirtieth issue of The Spanner magazine, the finest free satirical magazine that’s distributed around Irish colleges. The end of the academic year is fast approaching, so what better way to spend your study time than by reading a load of funny shit? Comedy rock group, Dead Cat Bounce, sat down with The Spanner to tell us all about their origins, their music, and of course, what rugby player they’d most like to ride. We also had a chat with Danny McBride, star of ‘Eastbound and Down’ and new film ‘Your Highness’, about his hangover cures and favourite body parts. We’ve got all the winners and photos from this year’s National Student Media awards, while in current affairs, we reveal the latest discovery in the marketing world, along with some good news about the government finally getting some cash from a trustworthy Nigerian prince. Spirits are high with the Summer just around the corner, and we ask the public (perverts and homeless alike) what their favourite part of Summer is, and look forward to the festivals and films we can expect to be hearing about over the coming months. We’re dishing out some life lessons too, with ‘The Spanner’s Top 10 things bitches love’ showing all the men how to become a true ladies’ man, and our guide to a much needed free night out. Just when you thought we couldn’t cram any more in here, we’ve got Spanner pics, lookalikeys, a shocking report on Arts students, and plenty more. Finally, don’t forget to check out our weekly ezine on www.oxygen.ie. I’m quite confident in saying that this is the best Spanner magazine we’ve ever produced in the month of April 2011. A big thanks to all of our contributors, and I’d like to remind anyone who’s interested in writing for The Spanner that we welcome any contributions, and they can be sent to editor@oxygen.ie. Just don’t be shit. We don’t like when stuff is shit. We much prefer when stuff is good. Being published in The Spanner pretty much guarantees you a life of wealth and fame, so give it a go. Enjoy the magazine, *leans in for a kiss but only gets an awkward hug* Mark Walsh, Editor Ryan Kenny, Deputy Editor Big thanks to all of our contributors: Eoin Ryan, Ciara O’Brien, Enda Kenneally, Colm Williamson, Nicola Byrne, Dan Sherratt, The Internet, My Left Testicle, Tuborg, Your Granny (unless she’s dead), Roy Cropper, Louise from Fade Street, Tyler Durden, Kenan from Kenan and Kel.

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Ageing Dublin gang leader afraid he’ll die of natural causes

Anthony ‘Madser’ Tobin , 29, leader of the Coolock criminal gang known as ‘The Hemptations’, has made a dramatic appeal to his enemies to hurry up and take care of business before he dies of natural causes or something. Madser, who has been involved in crime since the age of 13, grew up amid stifling poverty in Coolock during the 1980’s and 90’s. He went days without food, eating only what he could rob from local supermarkets. He was abused by his mother’s numerous lovers, one of whom sliced off his own nipple with a cheese grater to demonstrate how crazy and abusive he could be if pushed by the young boy. Tobin was also forced to watch late night television programmes such as ‘Where in the world?’ and ‘Glenroe’ on Sunday evenings, even if he didn’t have his homework done for the following day. By age 12, he was seeking solace in flagons of Fanta, buttered digestive biscuits and family packets of Tayto Cheese and Onion. The long time criminal brushes aside questions about his squalid childhood. He said “Ah ye, those were tough days alrigh’, but we can’t Anthony ‘Madser’ Tobin all live in the past now can we, wha’?.” Tobin says he’s suffered enough already and I don’t get two behind the ear real soon I don’t know is ready to die in an honourable and untimely what I’ll do. God knows I’ve pissed off enough people. fashion. People will start asking questions if I hit the thirty mark “I’m twenty bleedin’ nine now. Jaysis Christ! I have an’ all. I don’t want to be called a snitch or somethin’. two sons and the auld ball and chain at home. Sure Nobody has an umbrella over my head man, so don’t what more is there to do...wha’? I’ve done it all. I’m be worrying if ya do want to shoot me. Just hurry on ta leader of the gang now for 3 years. I’ve lived me life fook and bleedin’ do it.” to the fullest. It’s time to move on an’ all. Most of me He added “I’m always out walking me dog in Fairview mates are dead anyways. I’m the oldest from the old Green in the evenin’. I do be listening to me iPod full gang before it was even called ‘The Hemptations’. We blast so I’m a nice easy target for anyone for anyone were known back then as ‘The Punchers’ because we who wants me whacked. Just wait behind one of the liked to just randomly punch people on the street. The trees or somethin’. I’d be in me own little world anyways good auld days wha’?” with the music blarin’. Just make sure it’s quick though, Madser maintains his will to die violently, though he I hates pain so I does.” offers that — right or wrong — he needs to go before Mr Tobin is due to turn thirty in early June 2011. he contracts some kind of ‘horrible penis cancer’. www.waterfordwhispersnews.com “Maybe I sounds fookin’ crazy an’ all,” he says. “If 2

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Government falls for Nigerian scam

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Recently appointed Minister for Finance Michael Noonan presented his department’s latest round of revenue estimates to the Dail yesterday. The official figures, released by Department officials to the general public this morning, were more optimistic than many analysts had expected, and the opposition seized the opportunity to portray the recently appointed Finance Minister as naive and inexperienced. One notable new segment Above: It’s alright guys, of anticipated income for the I’ve fixed it! government in the coming fiscal Right:All hail our new year was labelled simply “Recovsaviour: nigerian money! ered Funds”. When challenged by opposition deputies to explain this new source of government in the Irish income, the value of which - estimated at almost 30 government a commission of billion euro - apparently solved the nation’s financial 20% of all funds recovered. woes, Mr. Noonan could hardly contain his glee. Rising Opposition leaders welcomed the deal, but were to his feet he told the chamber of a “spectacular opporquick to challenge many other aspects of the estimates, tunity” which he delightedly proclaimed would a “100% with Mr. Lenihan in particular calling tax revenue projecrisk-free, guaranteed return on our investment”. tions “naive, bordering on irresponsible”. “I am overjoyed to report that the innovative leaderWhen it was noted that more than 10 billion euro ship of the new Fine Gael government have remedied worth of income which the estimates anticipated for the the sorry mess in which our predecessors left the public coming fiscal year was still unexplained, the Minister finances,” he announced, claiming that the Department replied “Oh yeah, we just sort of found that.” On being of Finance was in the final stages of arranging what asked subsequently by reporters to elaborate on this he described as “an exciting business opportunity”. point, he explained “Well, I was looking for a stapler “We have been contacted by Dr. Usman Bello, the the other day, and I just came across it in the back of former Foreign Minister of Nigeria, who represents the a drawer in the office. Someone must have just left it interests of the recently overthrown government. He there, so we thought we’d add it back in.” has offered us the great privilege of carrying out several Meanwhile, European Commissioner Olli Rehn important transactions, which are crucial to the survival congratulated the Irish government on its success in of the Nigerian economy.” Excitedly brandishing a sheaf achieving its targeted deficit reduction, indicating that of printed emails, Minister Noonan told the Dail that, in the European Union may be willing to concede more exchange for what Dr. Bello had called “our most esfavourable, renegotiated repayment terms on EU loans, teemed, prestigious and charitable help”, in recovering in exchange for an introduction to Dr. Bello and his funds which Mr. Noonan believed to be worth over 100 Nigerian colleagues. billion US dollars, the Nigerian government would agree Ryan Kenny to paying their “most honorary respected colleagues” 4

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Spanner News

Marketing discovery: people often buy things that they like After months of hard research, testing and investigating, marketing experts have revealed their new discovery that the consumer - that’s you - will often buy things that they like. The Spanner caught up with top marketing consultant, Big Swinging Mick, for the full story. “Yeah it’s a revelation, to be honest. I mean, we’ve been here trying to make people buy our shit all these years. We had no idea they prefer to buy shit that they actually get enjoyment from. Our jobs could have been a whole lot easier if we’d known this earlier. I guess now we’ll stop producing all the useless shite we’ve been working on, and instead focus on some of the more useful shite.” The discovery was made by a team of experts who were paid somewhere in the region of fuckloads and shitloads of money to investigate consumer buying It’s a revelation behaviour. Research began with surveys that asked selected subjects if they were more likely to buy an item if they thought they would take pleasure from using it. The next stage involved testing subjects’ reaction to a choice between two things that they like. It was found that in all cases, the consumer weighed up the options 6

and decided which one they would like the most, and this was then the one they would purchase. Big Swinging Mick noted that “it was news to us anyway. They said that a hundred percent of the testing monkeys always go with the thing that they liked most. A hundred percent is everyone. All of the monkeys. I mean, I’ve been working in this industry for quite a while now, and I’ve recently started watching Mad Men, so how could I not know this before?” The discovery has been met with some opposition from a few mentalists, just like everything else these days. A concerned woman told us that she thinks the new discovery “is an invasion of privacy. They know too much about us these days. What happens now if they go making loads of brilliant, useful stuff? I’ll be broke, that’s what. And they’ll be laughing all the way to the bank.” While the woman’s concerns were echoed by some others, an inside source told The Spanner that she is “always fucking whinging” and is also “a bit of a dorkus malorkus”. Research commences next month to decipher whether consumers prefer when stuff isn’t a rip-off.

Spanner News

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Office in stitches at worker’s endless Anchorman references

Insert your own hilarious fart joke here

Staff at Ahern-Hanley Accountants (AHA) in Dublin have nominated colleague Brian ‘Murf’ Murphy for the employee of the month award after the new recruit had workmates stifling giggles in the aisles with his encyclopaedic knowledge of 2004 cult comedy Anchorman. “Brian is hilarious,” said fellow trainee accountant Jane Plane. “The first time he introduced himself to me he said ‘I don’t know how to put this but I’m kind of a big deal.’ I thought he was being a bit arrogant to tell you the truth. “Then he said he wanted to be ‘on me,’ which was a bit forward, but he explained it was all from some movie called News Presenter. It’s great to have someone around the office with a sense of humour. “Simon from auditing even smiled. The last time he did that was 1987. He wasn’t sure why he was smiling exactly, but it’s still amazing.” “Murf and myself have been out on a few dates. He likes to joke that he’s wearing ‘sex panther’ cologne but I know it’s Lynx because my brother uses it too.

“I had a few too many West Coast Coolers the last time and told him I thought I was in love with him, but he just looked into my eyes and said ‘I love Lamp’. Who’s Lamp? I hope that’s not another girl.” “I’ve always been the ‘funny one’,” said Murphy. “I used to be great at coming up with the nicknames for the nerds in school. Kelly the Belly still hates my guts. I’m pretty sure I was also the first person ever to use ‘she said’ in a suggestive manner. “Will Ferrell is a legend but there’s more to my repertoire than just Anchorman. Wait till I start busting out the Father Ted as well. Careful now! Classic.” Murphy’s chances of scooping the employee award have been hit however, as he is currently on a two week suspension from AHA for yelling ‘Go fuck yourself San Diego’ during a meeting with company executives. Eoin Ryan 7

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Top ten things bitches love Lads, we know how tough it is. You shave and shower, stick on your best shirt and head out to a club in the hope of meeting a lovely girl and getting a nice harmless shift. Alas, you go and you stand on your own, and you leave on your own, and you go home and you crywank. Fear not. We’re here to tell you the things that women really want you to do. They may not even know that they love these things, but always remember, bitches be crazy, and here’s the top ten things they love. 10. Being treated like porn stars Everyone knows that women love porn and find it really empowering. Women say that they want men to treat them like Disney princesses. Horseshit. They want you to slap them around and call them horrible names. Why else would they do it in porn films? You can do some research by watching films such as “Alice in Underpants” or “Shaving Ryan’s Privates”, along with any old porn fodder you can find online. Don’t bother with roses and chocolates. Tie a ribbon around your penis, grow a horrible little moustache, put on some sleazy music and watch the women flock to you. 9. Spitting Sometimes a man just has too much saliva in his mouth. Etiquette and social convention would tell you to swallow this excess saliva. Fuck that shit. Bitches love it when you make a guttural noise in your throat and spit it out as messily as you possibly can. It shows that you’re manly and don’t care what others think of you, and also that your saliva glands are sufficiently active – which is a trait every woman Becks shows us how its wants in her man. done 88

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Spanner Top 10

8. Talking about ex-girlfriends We all have our past. Hopefully you have an interesting and fruitful history with women. Even if you haven’t, make it up. Women love a man with experience, so always remember to tell your current other half all about your previous girlfriends and exploits. Meaningless one night stands are important to throw in there too. Women also love passion, so be sure to describe how good those women all were, in great detail and with a voice full of lust and longing. She’ll be dripping. 7. Not making eye contact Eye contact is a tricky subject. Some people encourage it, but as we all know, people like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis, so you can’t trust people. The safest way here is, when talking to a woman, just avoid eye contact altogether. This will show her how you have lots of other things on your mind and are a thinker. Women love intelligent men, and what better way to display your intelligence than by constantly drifting off, thinking about life and stuff? Get your coat son, you’ve pulled. 6. Wearing trousers down below your arse Have you seen all those rap videos where the rappers are surrounded by beautiful women? You’ve probably wondered to yourself – how do those guys get all those women? It’s not because of the wealth, fame or talent. It’s because they all wear their trousers down really low, showing

off their boxers shorts and arse. Get the arse out and enjoy drowning in a sea of clunge. 5. Flirting with other women At a social event with your girl? Lots of other attractive women around? Women who are possibly better looking than your woman? Conditions are ripe to turn on your woman, so. Find the nearest good looking woman. Commence flirting with her in the most obvious way. Crack jokes, and laugh way too loudly at her jokes, loudly exclaiming that she’s the funniest girl you’ve ever met, and that she’s so pretty. Touch her body as much as you possibly can. Do all this as closely as possible to your woman. It works better if the girl you’re flirting with is related to your girlfriend. This way she’ll see how lucky she is to have you, and will be impressed by your social skills. 4. Unwillingness to compromise If you’re going to get yourself a woman and hold onto her, you’ll need to be a strong character. Women need to know that their man can take care of himself and won’t let anyone mess with him. She needs to know she’ll have a big manly shoulder to cry on when she’s feeling sad, or on her period or some other girly bullshit. The best way to let her know They don’t call him McLovin this is by refusing for nothing to compromise on anything – even the most trivial matters. You’re the man. You pick the films - you’re watching Die Hard, not The fucking Notebook. You choose the restaurant. You choose the brand of ketchup for the house. You choose it all. She’ll have no choice but to love you. 3. Frugality Above all else, women seek a man who can look after them and their future children. A massive part of this is managing your finances. So you’ll want to show your woman how clever

you are with your money. The best way to do this will be by being thrifty and demonstrating financial care at all times. Don’t bother paying for her. Ever. If you can, get her to pay for you. Steal things See Chirs Brown wears his – from the shop, from your friends, trousers down low and he from the homeless knows all about women - she’ll love your bad boy image. 2. Showing your over-enthusiasm immediately Met a nice girl? Think she’s the one? Only ever spoken to her once or twice but are certain that she’s your future wife? Perfect! The best thing to do is lay your cards on the table and tell her exactly how you feel, and include every single detail. Let her know that you want to marry her, and that your mother will love her. She’ll find it really romantic and reassuring if you tell her how many times you’ve fantasised about her and masturbated, and let her know exactly what you two got up to in your dirty little mind. Text her all the time. At least once every ten minutes. Don’t worry if she doesn’t reply, because she’s only playing hard to get. The more you text, the more she’ll want you. 1. Articles about what bitches love Why do you think I’m writing this? So I can show it to bitches and watch them foam at the gash. Bring it on, girls.

Better get used to this sort of thing lads 9 9

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Movies

Summer movie guide Oxygen.ie arts editor Ciara O’Brien takes a look at what’s on offer this Summer in the cinema. There is no season for movies that gets adrenaline pumping quite as much as the summer blockbuster season. This year looks set to be the year of the alien invasion and the comic book hero. To help you sort the extra-terrestrials from the radioactive heroes, The Spanner bring you a guide to this summer’s biggest and most exhilarating movie offerings. Cowboys and Aliens: When aliens invade, there’s really only one set of individuals that you want around to help fight in your corner, cowboys. In a town that lives in fear of an ironfisted colonel, can aliens really cause that much chaos? Make sure you find out when this movie is released on August 12th 2011. You would be forgiven for assuming this was a comedy title, but with a start-studded line-up boasting Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford ̧ and Olivia Wilde this one is not to be scoffed at. Thor: As far as comic book capers go, Thor is one of the finest offerings to hit our screens this year. Directed by Kenneth Brannagh, but sadly devoid of dancing, Thor stars Chris Hemsworth as the arrogant warrior cast out of his fantastical world, he becomes one of Earth’s greatest warrior and their only defence. Thor has attracted movie heavy-weights Anthony Hopkins and Natalie Portman and looks set to be one of the most exciting movies of the summer. Be sure to have the popcorn on hand when Thor comes barrelling onto our screens on April 27th 2011. Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon: Michael Bay’s take on the Transformers franchise has become one of the most eagerly awaited cheesy blockbusters of the summer seasons. This third instalment takes us back to the moon landing and sees the Autobots and Decepticons at war once more, this time over secrets which could sway the tide in either of their favours. Here, Bay takes Megan Fox out of the picture which may come with some disappointment for male viewers but with the most explosive of all directors at the helm, there is no chance of disappointment in the action stakes. Dark of the Moon lights up our cinema screens on July 1st 2011. 10

Super 8: J.J Abrams has become the undisputed king of anticipation, refusing to give any integral details away with his movie trailers. A group of friends witness an earth-shattering train crash and soon begin to believe that it was no accidental happening when an increasing amount of inexplicable events begin to take place. From the trailers for Super 8, we know relatively little. With Abrams, things are never quite how they seem but the action we see alone is sure to have us flooding into cinemas when it is released on August 19th 2011. The Hangover Part II No other movie trailer has created as much anticipation this year (sorry J.J Abrams!) as the teaser trailer for The Hangover Part II. It would seem that these characters are already such movie icons that all audience need to see is a familiar strut down a street to get excited. Some may worry that this will be more of the same ruination through sequels, but with the original cast taking part it’s sure to bring a smile to audience’s faces. The second part of our unlikely hero’s saga sees them travel to Bangkok for Stu’s wedding. It remains to be seen what more hilarity can befall them than Mike Tyson and a baby named Carlos, but cinemas will be shuddering with laughter when Alan sashays back onto our screens on May 27th 2011. So for the grey days we will be lamenting over our often soggy summers, the cinema is always a good choice, and with such exciting and hilarious movies to choose from, that frown is sure to be turned around.

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Spanner Pics

Some of the funniest recent web pics rounded up for your enjoyment

He even washes his hands

This year’s Oxygen.ie National Student Media Awards were held in Dublin’s Mansion House on April 6th. Hosted by Kathryn Thomas and Dáithí O Sé, the ceremony was attended by a whole range of Irish media celebrities, including the cast from RTE’s hit series Fade Street, the finalists of TV3’s The Apprentice, and 3e’s FYI crew. Announcing winners across 32 different categories, chosen by a panel of respected media professionals such as Irish Times editor Geraldine Kennedy and Oscar-nominated film-maker Michael Creagh, the awards - now in their eleventh year - recognised the achievements by students in media around the country. A full list of winners follows, along with photos from the gala reception and after-party in Samsara.

I prefer mine with ketchup

The Cookie Monster’s computer crashes

Lightswitches don’t like to be teased either you know He really should have

A fun colouring book

Time to use the socks

read the

Crucifiction - Painful death Or seventies dance move?

His Spam filter broke

For your daily dose of funny pictures visit www.oxygen.ie or become a fan of ‘The Spanner’ facebook page!

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And the winners were ...... Society Publication of the YearSponsored: Evening Herald Winner: QUB, The Verdict - Craig Fagan Short Story of the year Winner: TCD, The Long Finger - David Lynch Web Designer of the Year-Sponsored - Irishtimes.com Winner: DCU, www.dcufm.com, Denis McEvoy Blog of the Year -Sponsored: Myhome.ie Winner: DIT Aungier Street www.teaandtoast.ie, Graham Ó Maonaigh Small College Publication of the Year Winner: BCFE, The Bcfe Bulletin, Lynn Corrigan Radio Production - Arts & Features Sponsored: Phantom FM Winner: DCU, Action replay, Stephen Long Headline award for Journalism relating to Mental heath and Suicide prevention Sponsored: Headline, HSE Winner: UCD, University Observer: Eating Disorders, Leanne Waters Magazine of the Year - Sponsored: The Gloss Winner: TCD, Trinity News The Ball Guide, Aoife Crowley & Karl McDonald Animation of the Year Winner: BCFE, The Apple tree, Alex Sherwood Colour Writer of the Year Winner: UCC, UCC Express, Keavy O’Sullivan Sports Photographer of the Year - Sponsored: O2 Winner: University College Dublin, Daire Brennan Film Script of the Year Winner: IAD, Small Change, Cathy Brady Leiriuchain Teilifise i nGaeilge – Faisnéis & Drámaíocht - Sponsored: TG4 & Udaras Winner: NUIG, Laoch Lán-Aimsire, Eoin Kelly Smith Radio Documentary of the Year Winner: ITT , Roscommon’s Hero, Rachel Hardiman Website of the Year - Sponsored: O2 Winner: DCU, www.dcufm.com, Denis McEvoy and Alan Regan RSA Award for Journalism relating to Road Safety - Sponsored: RSA Winner: UCD, University Observer: Driving and Thriving, Sarah Doran

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XXX News Photographer of the Year Winner: GCD, Dylan Madden Layout & Design of the Year Winner: TCD, Trinity News, Aoife Crowley & Martin McKenna Short Film of the year - Sponsored: Irish Film Board Winner: IAD, Small Change, Cathy Brady, Tommy Fitzpatrick, Luca Rochinni Conor Fitzpatrick, Kelly McGuill, Pete Walker TV Production - Sponsored: 3e FYI Winner: GCD The Irish Pub Industry - Mathias Odden Features Writer - Art & Pop Culture - Sponsored: The Irish Daily Mirror Winner: TCD, Trinity News 2, Karl McDonald Radio DJ of the year Winner: DIT Aungier St, Recession Tunes/ AW Tune, Soccer PM, Domhnall Marnell Journalist of the year - National Press - Sponsored: Irish Examiner Winner: DCU, GCN - Gay Community News, Cormac O’Brien Radio Production – News & Current Affairs Sponsored: BAI Winner: DCU, Newswire Budget 2011, Alan Regan and Denis McEvoy Features Writer - News & Politics - Sponsored: Irish Daily Mail Winner: UCD, The University Observer, Sarah Doran Travel Writer of the Year - Sponsored: Hostelworld. com Winner: UCC, European Inter-rail trip - Robert Fehilly People’s Choice Awards - Sponsored: Bus Eireann Winner: An Focal Finn McDuiffe Sports Writer of the Year - Sponsored: The Irish Daily Mirror Winner: TCD, Trinity News, Killian McCarthy Journalist of the Year - Sponsored: Oxygen.ie Winner: TCD, The University Times, Tom Lowe Photographer of the Year Winner: IADT, Kyle Tunney Editor of the Year - Sponsored: The Irish Independent Winner: TCD, Trinity News, Aoife Crowley Newspaper of the Year - Sponsored: The Irish Times Winner: TCD, The University Times, Tom Lowe

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See more pic s on www.oxygen .ie 17

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Drunken disaster We’ve all made fools of ourselves after one pint too many. To help you feel a little bit better about yourself, by basking in someone else’s misery, here’s a few stories we can all relate to, courtesy of our friends at DrunkenDisaster.com Smelly Sleepover After an evening on the booze I faced into a long trek home from Coppers to the flat in the city centre. On my travels I encountered a shivering homeless man. The natural course of action was to invite him home for a warm sleep on my couch. This did not go down well with the housemates the following morning, the Spanish lad was especially put out. All the poor bastard did was have a few dozen cups of tea, no harm done right? The smell still hasn’t cleared... Wedding Fiasco Was at a wedding lately. There was a free bar so naturally I indulged in a few too many beverages. All was going well and I was dancing my little heart out on the floor with the mates. Things were getting messy as the evening wore on and I was having a dance with the bride. She was looking lovely so in a moment of madness I stuck the head in for the shift, did not go down well, drunken disaster! Never interrupt a man mid-flow! On the walk home from a great session in Dublin I was dying for a slash. I took off down an alley and starting doing my business behind a few bins. It was flowing like the Niagara and ‘twas a serious relief. I was letting it all out, head back, when I felt a tap on the shoulder. In a

Some people just cannot hack the sesh

Delicious! hazy state I turned and the piss followed with me. It was a Garda behind me and I pissed all over her leg... I was landed with some fine. Great piss though! Puke Pirouette! I was on a night out as a youngster and I wasn’t too used to drinking at the time. Had a few too many way too quickly and as I was chatting up a girl in a hallway a sudden sickness came over me. We were close to that jacks so I made a burst by her to get violently sick in there. Unfortunately as I was making for the door a couple of lads was coming out chatting and I couldn’t get past them. In a panic I spun looking for other options. At the same time I started projectile vomiting in a circle all over the walls, floor... and face and dress of the girl I was chatting to, drunken disaster! Mystery Morning Mess! Went for a few beverages last night, had a wonderful evening in Flannery’s and Coppers before retiring for the night. I woke up the following morning with a sticky, chunky brown mess all over my nether regions, sheets, hands, the works. I assumed the worst in the haze of a brutal hangover although I noticed a distinctly chocolatey smell emanating from the mystery substance. A quick taste confirmed my suspicions. A raisin Yorkie, thank fuck! 19

THE SPANNER

Danny McBride Star of HBO’s ‘Eastbound and Down’, new film ‘Your Highness’ and general comedy hero, Danny McBride, sat down with The Spanner for a chat, in between his busy schedule of acting, writing, drinking and being an American man. Read all about his favourite hangover cure, the importance of boobs, and his (mostly understandable) sexual aversion to swans. McBride is an Irish surname. On a scale of one to ten, how Irish are you? I’d probably go with eleven.

And your favourite hangover cure please? Monster energy drink, cheeseburgers, and a well-rolled spliff.

How’s your Guinness-drinking? Strong. Very strong. Only rivalled by my ability to down large amounts of Bushmills.

So this new film, Your Highness, care to tell our readers what it’s about and why they should go see it? It’s the story of two brothers who must fight to save a beautiful damsel in distress. It has monsters, swords, sorcerors, tits, ass, blood, weed, and puppets...what else does one need in a movie? In total, how many boobs do you think we get to see in the film? By my count it was roughly 17.? Are we talking individual boobs or sets of boobs? I meant overall nipple count, but let’s not get bogged down. So it’s safe to say that boobs are quite important to you. Could you please rank in order the following four items in terms of cinematic importance? Storyline; Visual Effects; Acting; Boobs. Boobs, then boobs, then boobs. And what about dick jokes? Dicks fall right behind storyline and acting. Were you training for months for those sword-fighting scenes, or did you simply exit the womb with the skills of a samurai? I sliced and diced my way out of the womb.

Try as he might, Danny just could not refrain from making the odd wanking gesture on set 20

Natalie Portman and Zooey Deschanel star in the film alongside you. Who’s more of a ride? Me, obviously.

In light of that answer, how’s your wife? She’s filing for divorce. Having seen Black Swan, were you a little bit afraid of Portman having hallucinations and turning into a swan? There were strict rules on set that no one, even Natalie, were permitted to turn into swans. Black or white. If she had turned into a swan, you still would, right? Questionable. Swan beaks are deceptively sharp. We’re big fans of your HBO series, Eastbound & Down. What can you tell us about the upcoming third series? It is going to melt your face. Can you answer the previous question in the character of Kenny Powers? It is going to melt your fucking face. Is it true that most of the teachers that appear in the series were also your teachers in school? W e tend to name characters after people we know. Sometimes a teacher or an old boss. A subtle way to get revenge on those that have made life difficult back in the day. You write most of the stuff you’re in too, right? Sometimes. I’ve noticed most of your acting allows you to get off with some beautiful women. Do you write material just so you can act it out and kiss gorgeous women and live out some fantasies? Hell to the yeah. Would you rather have a dog’s brain, but your own body, or a dog’s body, but with your own brain? Please explain your answer. I’ll stick with my brain and a dog’s body. I love dogs but have no interest in humping legs and sniffing my own balls.

Each to their own, I suppose. You’re a big actor, you’re probably loaded. Can you give Ireland some money please? Would you accept gift certificates to Nando’s? I fail to see the problem with that. Thanks. Any final words for the student population of Ireland? Put down the Guinness and go see this movie! Seriously...put it down. Or just hand it to me. I’ll get rid of it. Your Highness is released in cinemas on Wednesday April 13th (and is hilarious... and he wasn’t lying about the boobs) 21

THE SPANNER

Voice of the People

THE SPANNER

The Spanner – Voice of the people

Summer festival guide

This month: What do you like most about the summer? Michael 49, farmer

I love Summer, me. I gets to work on me tan. I colour really well so I does. I do be like one of them black lads like in the films. Only on me forearms though, that’s the style y’see.

Paul, 36, shrill accountant

Anto, 20, unemployed

I finally get a chance to take the roof off my car, and drive around with my shades on and the wind in my admittedly now thin hair. Women tend to be very impressed. Especially the ones with low selfesteem. Those are my favourites.

Doesn’t make a different to me, man. I’ll still be in the bookies all day spending me dole money. Might have meself a Loop de Loop ice cream though. Savage. Here, I’ve a few yokes going at a fiver a pop. Interested?

Sarah Jane, 23 Arts student Martin 38, homeless

Oh my god, I love Summer like, so much. I’m going interrailing in Europe for a month, then working in America for two months, probably like in a bar or street corner or something. Then I’m going to Australia for six months. When I come back I’m doing an internship in Stellar magazine. It’s going to be the best Summer ever!

What can I say about the Summer? I suppose my favourite thing about it is simply the cheer and goodwill that sunshine tends to bring. Everyone’s happier in the sun, and I really take pleasure in the happiness of others. A glass of Pimm’s on a Summer’s day is my guilty pleasure.

Brian 32, pervert

I stick on my sunglasses and go creeping, ninja-style. Everywhere you look you can see lovely bare human flesh. Legs, shoulders, ankles, elbows – I love it all. Makes me well randy. Me balls sweat a lot though in the heat – usually stick a bit of talcon powder down there to keep me dry. Did it today actually, let me show you...

It doesn’t take much more than a drop of sunshine to get us all staring wistfully out of lecture windows, dreaming about the summer. Unfortunately for us, we tend to get our summers early, and are forced to skip gleefully out of exam halls...directly into a puddle. Thankfully there is only one time that weather is irrelevant in Ireland, festival season. So with festivals, willies, unnecessary sunglasses, puddles and porta-loos being the object of our affection at the moment, The Spanner have compiled a guide of the best festivals happening around the country this year to put that extra spring in your step. The joys of an Irish summer Oxegen: Oxegen is almost a given for festivalgoers at this point, and is the ideal starting Well...college fees do, but before we all succumb to beginner for newcomers. As the largest festival to sighing in lectures and alarm clocks, Electric Picnic take place here, it is a must-see for all music lovers comes at just the right time to give us that extra little and there is a consistent attempt to ensure that there kick to round off our summers. The festival runs from is a little musical something for everyone, something the 2nd to the 4th of September. that is hard to come by with festivals. This year’s With a line-up including Arcade Fire, Pulp, Interpol festival takes place from the 7th to 10th of July this and The Chemical Brothers, it’s an eclectic mix, giving year at Punchestown, Co. Kildare. The line-up this everybody at least one group to be excited about. year is nothing short of phenomenal and includes cult Electric Picnic is the ideal environment for music lovers favourites The National, as well as The Script, The and creative types alike and unlike other festivals we’re Black Eyed Peas, Foo Fighters, and Jimmy Eat World, enjoying this year, it’s most certainly family friendly. so it’s one not to be missed. See www.electricpicnic.ie for more information. For more information see www.oxegen.ie. Slane: Belsonic: There was a time when Slane was the highlight of the Slightly less well known, but no less fun, Belsonic is mud-soaked music calendar, but whilst it still garners one of Northern Ireland’s most important music events big names and a big following, it has fallen by the and is returning this August in association with Absolut wayside of some of the bigger festivals. This year Kings vodka. This year’s line-up includes Dizzee Rascal, The of Leon take to the stage with support from Elbow and Specials, Plan B and Elbow. A mixed bag to pick-andThin Lizzy among others, making this event one not to choose from. be missed. Belsonic is one of our more long-haul festivals, Slane takes place on Saturday, May 28th and is well spanning five days from its kick-off on August 17th. It’s a worth the trip and the price of a decent pair of wellies. long one, but a good one. Check out www.belsonic.com for more information and So just before you get the heads stuck into the books ticket details. for exams, The Spanner are here to show that there’s a wellington boot-wearing pot of gold at the end of these Electric Picnic: showers and rainbows. Who says that summer has to end in September? Ciara O’Brien 23

THE SPANNER

Features

The arts student HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CALLED STUPID? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CALLED LAZY? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN MADE TO FEEL INADEQUATE? ARE YOU… AN ARTS STUDENT? Arts Students for Justice is a not-for-profit organisation that gives Arts students a place that they can call home. For too long, these sensitive, poetic people have had to carry the weight of discrimination and hatred. The soulless automatons of science faculties throughout the country persecute these poor, defenceless Arts students. It stops here. ‘This is a battle for the soul of universities everywhere’, says John, Arts II in UCD, as he put his long, girlish wrists up to his forehead and gazes wistfully over Belfield campus. With lives full of passion being extinguished by the disease that is hatred, many Arts students have been reduced to excessive drinking. Brian in UCG admitted that, ‘yeah, we abuse our bodies by drinking Tesco lager. Every sip is a statement of self loathing’ and Tony in UL found the courage to tell us that, ‘it got so bad that we play a drinking game whenever we watch Premier Soccer Saturday. Anytime Kenny Cunningham raises his eyebrows we take a shot of vodka. I just want it to stop but obviously since we have so much free time, we are always thinking about it’. Mary, 21, told us, ‘I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years and I love him but now it’s different. When we doing the Leaving Cert together there was never a problem. When we came to college, that’s when we started growing apart. He did Engineering and I did Arts… it’s different now’. A recent survey in Cosmopolitan showed that the most common cause of break-ups after infidelity was one half of the couple deciding to do an Arts degree. Samantha Boinkton, editor of

Let’s all go to Starbucks and write our novels

Now, said it was a real test for a relationship and some couples never recover. Every two minutes, an Arts student dies from ‘banter’, a particularly vicious flow of verbal abuse from science students, commerce graduates and anyone else with a degree that just might actually serve society. Doing an Arts degree has been shown also to have to same effect as acne: social embarrassment, isolation and eventual death. Just €2 a month will cure banterrelated illnesses across Ireland and other complications of Arts syndrome. Art Students for Justice offers a placement in one of our summer rehabilitation clinics. It’s the Betty Ford Centre for the non-rich, non-famous but definitely messed up stars of our colleges where you will learn how to function healthily in a sick society and to love yourself when all about you are calling you a shit. Book now, for the love of God. If you have been affected by the issues in this article, log on to www.artstudentsforjustice.com before it’s too late. If you’re arsed, like. Enda Kenneally

THE SPANNER

Features

The Spanner Interview Marshmallows and comedy rock by the camp fire

Dead Cat Bounce Following on from the success of the single, “Rugby”, The Spanner caught up with comedy rock group, Dead Cat Bounce. Fresh from their Australian tour, the lads tell us all about their flirting skills, the bitches and the hoes, and exactly what they make of Tommy Bowe. Howaya lads? You’re a pretty hot property on the Irish comedy market right now, so what we all want to know is, which one of you gets the most bitches? Mick: I get the most bitches. Jim gets the most hoes. Shane gets a lot of tricks, and the skanks tend to go for Damo. For anyone unfamiliar with you, could you please describe the band? Shane: We disagree on this a lot, but we’re either an internationally touring concept rock band, a moderately successful novelty act, or a bunch of singing clowns just having a good time. How did you meet each other? Shane: We were put together by a deeply misguided (and drunk) record executive who was convinced comedy was the new rock & roll. Turns out it’s not. According to my good friend Wikipedia, Dead Cat Bounce is a Wall Street term that refers to a small, brief recovery in the price of a declining stock. Any reason for naming the band that? Jim: As with all our big decisions, we outsourced the naming of the band to a slick Swedish market research agency. DCB tested best against the alternative suggestions, TreeHaüs, DuckPunch and The Hardcastle Group. You’re all pretty talented musicians. Were you ever tempted to have a go at making some non-comedy music? Damo: If you take our song “Rugby” and imagine that instead of singing “Let’s call it rugby” we sang something like “Why don’t you love me?” and instead of a video of us frolicking about with men, we were just skimming stones wistfully on a beach somewhere, do you really 26

think anyone would want to watch that? Fair point. Have you a favourite song of yours? Damo: That’s like asking us to choose between our children. But yes we do have favourites because some of our children are fucking stupid. Our current favourite is “The Weeping of the Willows” - a searing indictment of the Reagan Administration featuring the characters from the Wind in the Willows. Your single, ‘Rugby’ could enrage some of the big strong rugby men. Are you afraid of getting a kicking, or do you reckon you could simply seduce them in order to defend yourself? Shane: Ah the old “fight or flirt” conundrum.... No, we wouldn’t be afraid. We’re never afraid. We’ll flirt with anyone. Surely even you guys can admit that Tommy Bowe is a lash? Shane: Yes. He’s a handsome man.

Would you rather have a dog’s brain, but your own body, or a dog’s body, but with your own brain? Please explain your answer. Shane: Please explain your question. Either way we’re back in mutant territory here. So just to reiterate: yes, we would fuck Tommy Bowe.

Do you think you’d rather ride Tommy Bowe, or a clone of yourself? Shane: Given that a clone of the four of us would probably be some kind of disgusting mutant - five foot tall with Ronald MacDonald hair, a Bee Gee beard and the teeth of a Grand National winner - I think we’d have to go with Tommy.

Good enough. You tour a lot in Australia, are you well-loved over there? Jim: We are so fucking big in Australia you wouldn’t believe it. We’re like four Kylie Minogues over here. In many ways we’re looking forward to getting back to Dublin so we can live a normal life again.

You also have a song about golf. Is no sport safe from you? Jim: Squash is safe. We love squash and we won’t hear a word against it. It’s the most 80s sport in the world. It’s the sport equivalent of divorcing your wife by fax.

Would you like to use this part to tell everyone how much you love Ireland and reassure us how we’re so much better than Australia? Mick: Yeah Australia is great and all – with the weather, the nice hotels, the swimming pools – but we love how Ireland stops you getting too big for your boots.

Just today someone on Youtube called us “a bunch of guitar-wielding faggots”. It really keeps your feet on the ground and that’s what makes this country great. Reckon you’d win in a fight with The Rubberbandits? Shane: Dunno about a fight but we’d definitely give them a go in a flirt. We’d have to establish some ground rules though. The first rule of Flirt club would be “You do not talk about Flirt Club”. The second rule of Flirt Club: “You do not talk about Flirt Club”. The third rule: “Only two guys to a flirt.” “Fourth rule: “One flirt at a time fellas.” The fifth rule: “If somebody taps out or goes limp, the flirt is over.” Your parting words to the young people of Ireland? Shane: I think it was Vodafone who said “make the most of now”. I’m not sure we can say it any better than that. So I suppose our message would be “Just live. Just go on and live and don’t die if you can avoid it. Be you all the time and for God’s sake don’t not live. 27

THE SPANNER

Features

Spanner guide to a free night out Nobody wants to hear the woes of our economy or how poor and fragile we deprived little students are. So let’s do what the Irish do best in situations like this, or any, for that matter. Get drunk! But not just any drunk, Free-drunk. To that end The Spanner has devised a nice little plan that will enable you to leave the wallet and home and enjoy (although that’s debatable) a night out for exactly zero euro and no cents.

The pre-drinking: Have a gaff party. BYOB. Applies to all but you. OK so were not condoning stealing your friends’ cans but if one were to go missing here and there they probably won’t notice after a few drinks. Just sayin! These things get lost in a sea of aluminium, so who can distinguish one can from another? You’re providing the medium for their consumption after all. Besides, who in their right mind is going to be mad when you make jello with their vodka? Look at it, all jelly-ish and wobbly. Made to be shared.

Keep your coat with you in the club, or like, don’t bring one. Drinking inside: There are a few methods for this one. All require no heart and a huge lack of ethical or moral judgement. Should be grand for a bunch of alcohol-craving students so.

drinks, More would be um… taking advantage or something. Keep in mind, the ‘guy buying you drinks’ saga can be quite tricky. Especially if you’re in bits or have no charisma. Although there are always the exceptions. The only reason we can’t pull this off is because everyone is just too intimidated. Yeah, that’s it… On the other hand, lads, unless you’re at the George, don’t even try schmoozin for boozin. Girls are way too self-involved to think they need to impress you, and the ones that aren’t? Stay clear. 2) Randomly shout “shots!” while standing at the bar, some wasted rich-kid will be completely on board and buy everyone within a small radius the epitome of asshat shots: Mickey Finn’s apple. Hey, alcohol is alcohol.

Getting to your destination: Walk, you lazy shite. You know that feeling you get when you’ve had a few drinks? The feeling that 10,000 miles is just a short jaunt up the road? Take advantage of that. Because we’d never ever encourage pulling some fancy moves on Dublin Bus, no sir-ee. Club cover-charges: Get your friend to draw the stamp onto your hand. We recommend eyeliner for this. Works a charm and can always be found in a girls handbag. You could always use lipstick or mascara as well, provided they’re the right colour and you have a deathly steady hand. Or you could always go with, you know, a sharpie. If you get caught and made a show of, well hey look at it this way, humiliation costs nothing. You’re still on track for your freebie night. Move on to somewhere else. Preferably a place with no covercharge. They still exist you know. The cloak-room: “Two euro please.” This one’s tricky. Usually there is simply too much direct interaction between you and the cloak room attendant, no room for manoeuvre or trickery. So, after devising many mission impossible-esque routines to climb through ceilings and unhinge doors, we’ve come to my great conclusion. 28

Thanks naïve men!

1. Find some gormless guy and flirt with them until they offer to buy you drinks. Preferably the flirting would involve steering him to the bar and exclaiming “God I wish I had a drink, I get so loose after a sip of vodka!” The most we’d suggest getting from one guy is two

Thanks naïve men!

3) Do the ‘leftover drink’ tactic. People usually leave a bit of their drinks behind, either because they are going dancing, or because the end of a pint is manky. Goldmine, my little 21st-century-freegan! Duly noted though, the end of a pint IS manky, and probably full of some creep’s saliva. No different from any other of the night’s activities so.

Yoink... Apres-drinking food: You don’t care what it is or where it’s coming from. Your vision is blurred. A kebab looks like a decadent meal of epic proportions. But you have no money. This one is easy. A chip here, a chip there. Everyone is so absorbed in their own inflated sense of self-importance during this stage of drunk, nobody will notice. If you wanted to go that one step further, just wait until someone leaves their tray of food on the table. A lot of people run off mid-meal to be sick, usually all over the security guy having a great time keeping people out of the toilets. Then, just when the time is right, make your move towards the tray. Pick it up, and put it in the bin. Don’t you feel good now? The cleaning-lady throws you a look of disgust. Don’t worry, you’ve made her night. Hug her.

Everyone back to mine! Getting home: Be a total slut and go home with someone you’ve just met. Make them pay. What? Yeah, like after tonight you’ll be wanting to take the high road…pfft. Nicola Byrne 29

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