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editorial/ contents

editorial Yeah, o welcome to the first Spanner magazine of the new college year. It’s a particularly exciting time for Freshers, newly free of the parental shackles and bravely testing all accepted limits on the fatal level of alcohol in the bloodstream. Try and enjoy the moment. Take a look around you. That person you were scoring in the college bar last night? They’re going to turn out to be gay. Your new best friend? You probably won’t be talking to them this time next year. Still, it’s all character building eh? And at least you can seek solace in this hilarity-packed ‘Back to School’ issue of The Spanner magazine. Never mind your SU-sponsored dry waffly handbooks, we’ll give you the real low-down on third-level life in Ireland – starting with ‘The Truth about college’ on page 4. ‘People you meet in College’ will introduce you to your future classmates, The Spanner’s ‘Essay writing guide’ is more of an essay-avoidance handbook and our real college profiles reveal the truth about our not-so august institutions. As if that wasn’t enough, there are hilarious Spanner pics, Xposed photos of college nights out and, of course, all the usual satirical news nonsense. Don’t forget we have new stories and pics daily on www. oxygen.ie, and we’re on all the facebukes and twitters as well. Like ‘The Spanner’ and ‘Oxygen.ie’ now to win a romantic welfare-officer approved ‘safe sex’ rubber glove and the end of a warm can of Bavaria. Finally, this is my last issue as editor of The Spanner. It’s been great fun steering the satire ship over the last couple of years and I’d like to say a huge thank you to all the writers, designers and advertisers whose hard work/ money have made the magazine possible in that time.

Awkward overly-familiar goodbye hugs,

Editor, Eoin Ryan

contents back to school special The truth about College

people you meet in college

Spanner essay-writing guide

‘ real’ college profiles

spanner news secrets of Irish charm

Trap actually a bus driver from Santry

Years of peace prove World War 3 definitely coming, insist conspiracy theorists 18 God admits: I don’t exist

Man goes on holiday with sole intention of pulling women, fails 20 Israelvs Iran

facebook cures Sick baby

Ireland celebrates anniversary of Guinness marketing 23 strategy

Contributors: Bismarck, Orna Cunningham, Pat Farrell, Colin Farrell, Ming Flanagan, Alistair Fish, Barry Ister, Kate Middleton’s nipples, Mark Renton, Peter Murnane, Anthony Pyne, Ignatius J Reilly, Eoin Ryan, Father Romeo Sensini, Mark Walsh, Conor Ward, Colm Williamson.

Editorial enquiries, encouragements & complaints: editor@oxygen.ie Advertising: sales@oxygen.ie_ 01 647 1540 Commercial Enquiries: Colman Byrne_ colman@oxygen.ie Design: Tânia de Paula _ taniapaula@hotmail.com _ digital portfolio at www.behance.net

Our Spanner stories are all made up and should not be taken in any way, shape or form as truth. The Spanner also contains material that’s not suitable for persons under the age 16, and some material may also be unsuitable to other readers. All content remains the copyright and intellectual property of the Student Marketing Network. All rights reserved.

Other features top 5 excuses to dodge the debt

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xposed

The truth about college

The truth about college No doubt you, or someone you know, have at some stage heard of college. The Spanner’s college time was mostly spent in dingy bars, where the cracked leather of the furniture is gradually being replaced with cheap plastic - a bit like what remains of Madonna’s face, albeit with more aesthetic appeal and flexibility. Consequently, we are well equipped to pass judgement on anyone else who visits college, for we are their superior. Here is our handy guide to the college experience, designed to thoroughly patronise you in levels even an SU handbook would consider gauche. Now aren’t you clever for reading those big words.

he Students Union is the strongest possible argument for Libertarianism we’ve ever encountered. It’s the strongest possible argument for euthanasia we’ve ever encountered too. They’ll have very detailed stances on typical student issues like what Israel should do with its borders, or whether gay abortion should be introduced. Not so much on issues that weren’t on the West Wing - like representing students.

Hacks [noun]

1. an unpleasant cough sweet that leaves a bad taste in your mouth 2. An unpleasant union hanger-on that leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

Ents [fun fact]

You paid for the advertisement for that nightclub event ‘let’s get fukd Friday’, (it’s a joke cos it almost has a swearword LOL) but the ents officer gets the commission if you turn up.

Political hacks will stick to you and haunt you, like a fart in a lift with aspirations to high office. They either want to become politicians or to introduce global anarcho-conservative Marxist communism during their four years of college. Technically, there is an equal chance of both happening. As a general rule avoid joining any organisation with the word ‘youth’ in the title - Hitler Youth, Youth Defence, the Youth Wing of any political party - they are all equally

The truth about college contemptible. Well maybe not the Hitler Youth, even they consider Youth Defence to be a little too far to the right. LGBTQIJKLMNOP activists will stand out like a sore, attention seeking, and highly irritating thumb. Homophobia is bad, but most of the people telling you this are only attracted to people of the same gender in that they really fancy themselves. Don’t join a society. Anyone who needs to make friends by joining a society will find themselves in the company of people who need to make friends by joining a society. College papers are filled with SU stories that would make the average North Korean say “this propaganda is far-fetched, poorly written and unbelievable” and considering most of them wouldn’t speak English as their first language

that’s really saying something. Despite Famine reducing them to eating barks and acts of cannibalism, even they would refuse to eat in the college restaurant. Librocop- Every college has one. Some say he’s a robot from the future, other say he’s a pirate ninja monkey, still others say he’s a middleaged man whose childhood dreams probably didn’t include the least interesting security job in existence. Study hard, work well and you too can join the thousands of graduates on the live register. Barry Ister

PEOPLE YOU MEET IN COLLEGE

PEOPLE YOU MEET IN COLLEGE College is an opportunity to meet new people. Naturally, as Irish folk, this is a terrifying prospect. However, there are certain types of people you can expect to meet at the typical college party, so let The Spanner give you a head start in meeting your new friends and enemies.

The Computer Nerd

John is studying computers and though he is present at the party he really wishes that he was back home playing World of Warcraft where, in fact, he was at a virtual party where he was far cooler than he is here. He is wearing a t-shirt that makes an arch reference to an obscure early 80’s Atari 2600 game but contrasts badly with a complexion that hasn’t seen sunlight in three years. Under no circumstances will he converse with any women.

The Arty Girl

Sarah is studying fine art. She wants to break down the boundaries and taboos of society and challenge herself to find out what existence really means and whether our perception of that meaning could extend enough to allow it to be realised in physical or even conceptual form. You know? Failing that she is also up for taking mushrooms and running naked around the room.

The Engineer

Seamus is from Roscommon. He’s just out with the lads for a bit of craic, though they won’t go too mad because there’s a savage load of practicals in the morning. Due to lack of previous interaction with females he may repeatedly display his genitalia while ‘the lads’ record the event for added hilarity.

The Science Student

Aidan is a biology student who is able to tell you exactly why the alcohol you are drinking is making you fall over and also making him appear to have a semblance of a personality. Fortunately, for anything weaker than industrial grade tequila, this will soon wear off and you will quickly abandon him for a more entertaining conversation partner. 6

PEOPLE YOU MEET IN COLLEGE

The PR Student

Sorcha is like a PR student? Oh sorry, that wasn’t actually a question, that’s just the way she talks. You’ll get used to it. Well, either you’ll get used to it or you’ll strangle her with her own dyed and straightened blonde hair. Oh. My. God. Did you actually just think that? What a total like freak?

The Marketing Student

Fionn is studying marketing, mostly because he has no imagination, and because his Dad told him he needs to learn a thing or two about making money if he expects to take over the family trade. He always has the latest mobile, has blonde highlights in his hair and uses buzz words like ‘touch base’ and ‘outside the box’ in a bid to appear more intelligent than he actually is. If you really want to upset him ask how many points he was short for commerce in UCD.

The Architecture Student

Jenny is an architecture student, who is now on a course of antidepressants, after spending years studying to get into a five yearminimum course which now has zero job prospects. In between drinking, crying, and telling you how really happy she honestly feels, she will attempt to put on a brave face and sketch an illustration to show you how she would redesign the GPO if it was made entirely from cheese.

The Interior & Furniture Design Student

Kevin will be quite ostentatiously dressed, almost certainly wearing designer glasses (though he has 20-20 vision) and may possibly have one portion of his hair dyed a different colour. He will immediately declare himself to be your new best friend and then try to convince you to have a makeover. The host of the party will be forced to resort to physical violence to stop him from rearranging the furniture in the room into a feng shui friendly pattern.

The Auctioneering Student

Mark is training to be an auctioneer. Honestly. Do not tell him that the property bubble has collapsed, as he is possibly the last person in Ireland to realise. Otherwise he would not be studying for a career which has almost ceased to exist. If pressed he will explain that it was always his intention to auction items on ebay for a living. 7

Spanner essay-writing guide

Spanner essay-writing guide Right, you’re going to have to write a few essays in college. That’s just a fact and it’s unavoidable. College knows this, which is why you’ll have essay writing skills or some shit like that as one of your classes. Well stay in bed for that one, you don’t need it because 1) if you’ve got basic literacy you’re already qualified and 2) you’ve got The Spanner’s step by step guide to doing an essay without actually doing an essay. Boom. You’re welcome, bitches! Step 1- Do you need to do this essay?

This is an obvious step that most people miss. You’re freaking out because you’ve a 2,000 word essay due in tomorrow and you’re still not sure what subject you’re studying. Well relax, this isn’t school, so just because it’s a long essay doesn’t mean it’s worth doing. Work out how much of your final grade it’s worth, and if it’s less than 2%, which it probably will be, then just don’t do it. Smoke a bowl, watch Battlestar Galactica and forget all about it. It’ll probably never be mentioned again.

Step 2- Bollix, I really do need to do this essay

So you’re a lazy prick and have skipped the last four, so you need to blasht this one out of the park. Fair enough, man, Step 2 is an easy one too – check and see if you’ve already done this before. Seriously. You wrote a shitload of nonsense for the Leaving Cert, some of it will definitely apply. So what if it’s just the middle four paragraphs of your King Lear abortion, that’s still 500 words, or 67% of the essay you don’t have to do. Yeah, we’re not great at maths but it’s some sort of percentage and what are you anyway? The fuckin’ numbers police? Get outta here!

Quote-mining

Step 3- Wikipedia the shite out of everything

The amateur lazy student simply copypastas a whole Wikipedia article and submits. This is remarkably foolish, and never works. However, the professional lazy student reads the Wikipedia entry, then goes to one of the sources, rewrites that and gets away with it.

Step 4- Wikiquotes, motherfucker, do you speak it?

Wikiquotes has got to be the single handiest internet site for the lazy student. Instead of quote-mining books, some nerdbag has already done it for you. Just type in the book, or author or whatever and reap the quotey goodness. Don’t forget there’s a wikiquotes in every language, so you can quote French philosophers, en français, without ever opening a book. Result! The Spanner isn’t necessarily advocating cheating, because we’re not allowed to. We would if we could. We are acknowledging that you’ll have very important drinks to drink in college, and will have less time for “learning”, or whatever the kids are calling it nowadays. So when you cheat, do it properly and don’t get caught!

verb: Starting from the index, searching a book for a sentence that backs up 8

your argument, ignoring anything else, including context, to give the illusion of a referenced argument without resorting to reading the book like a mug

Spanner essay-writing guide EXTRAS- try any of these for an extra sprinkle of clever

Rename any music file on your computer Essay 2012, save as .doc and email to the lecturer. It will download corrupted and give you an extra day or two Submit the first page of an essay and rip off the rest, leaving a dangling staple and buying you some time to write the rest of the essay. Make sure the last sentence does not end on that page. If you don’t like the essay titles, make up one of your own and answer that. This shows that

. .

you’ve learned something on the course. Every course will have a syllabus type thing called ‘Course Learning Outcomes’ or something. This will be distributed on the first day. Make sure every sentence you write reflects one or more of these and you’re away in a hat. Seriously, the marking scheme comes from this, and once translated from Bulshitese its simple enough to see what they mean. Example “students will gain a full knowledge of sources” means “make sure you quote a source, you dumb-ass.” Peter Murnane

Copypasta verb: CTRL+A, CTRL+C, CTRL+V

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‘ real’ COLLEGE PROFILES

‘ real’ COLLEGE PROFILES Never mind the prospectus, here’s the ‘real’ deal on your educational establishment of choice... Sligo IT (Founded: 1970)

Sligo IT is unique in that the only course offered is ‘WB Yeats’ studies, where bored students are forced to endlessly review the pompous knob’s whinging about the one that got away. What practical application this offers is unclear, but at least they get to say they’re in college and escape from the midlands / Leitrim for a year or two.

National University of Ireland Galway (Founded: 1845) Visiting Galway, you might surprised to learn that there are around 17,000 students studying the arts, science, business and so forth. Surprised because most of them seem to be studying the ‘art of drinking’, more specifically skulling a bottle of Bucky beside Spanish Arch with one over the shoulder for the cops. The only town in Ireland where you can wander into a pub at lunchtime on a Tuesday afternoon and find a full house. Just make sure you leave as soon as you finish studying to avoid full blown alcoholism.

UL (Founded: 1972)

The University of Limerick is Ireland’s centre of crime research, with specialist units investigating the effect of stab wounds, shotgun blasts and where to buy little bags for drugs in bulk. A recent report revealed that the researchers in question were afraid to go onto problem estates and speak to drug dealers, but had ‘seen lots of episodes of The Wire and would imagine things are fairly similar. And shit.’

Tralee IT (Founded: 1977)

The Kerry IT has become a world leader in horticultural science, as demonstrated by their annual ‘Rose of Tralee’ festival, demonstrating a variety of plain to acceptable Irish- grown blooms.

‘ real’ COLLEGE PROFILES

Letterkenny IT (Founded: 1971)

Letterkenny IT offers a broad ‘Donegal themed’ range of courses. Modules available include: ‘Boy racer studies’, ‘General recklessness’, ‘Disregard for the rules’ and ‘How to swindle social welfare benefits.’

Dundalk IT (Founded: 1970)

As Louth’s capital of learning, DKIT has devoted itself to sports science, in particular developing goal-line technology for the GAA.

AIT (Founded: 1970)

Athlone IT was set up to cater for curious Bus Eireann passengers, who found themselves forced to stop in the (diseased) ‘Heart of Ireland’ on the way from Dublin to Galway. AIT has since specialised in ’10 minute degrees’, specifically courses involving the study of the travelling community,

WIT (Founded: 1970)

Waterford IT was one of the first ‘sports’ colleges in the country, specifically designed so that the county’s hurlers could win Munster championships (but not All-Irelands). Following the conclusion of the project, it was decided to keep the college open so students could be blamed for the city’s high rate of chemical dependency.

UCC (Founded: 1845)

University College Cork is at the vanguard of Ireland’s linguistic research, specifically with regard to the study of ridiculous sing-song accents and obscure slang. Langers.

‘ real’ COLLEGE PROFILES

the big shmoke DCU (Founded: 1975)

Listen, DCU is NOT in Ballymun. Seriously. If anyone ever mentions DCU make sure they know it’s not in Ballymun. Seriously, look it up on Google Maps. You might have heard lots of bad things about Ballymun but thankfully you won’t have to worry about that if you come to DCU, so come to DCU. Please.

DIT (Founded: 1978)

DIT – “where the city is your campus”. Except it’s not really, is it? This is a rubbish lie to make up for the fact that DIT does not have a campus, and secretly isn’t actually a college at all. With courses such as “Magic Wand Engingeering” and “Circus Tent Management”, DIT is ideal for people who just want to say they’re in college.

Trinity College (Founded: 1592)

In the heart of Ireland’s capital lies Trinity College. Loved by tourists for resembling Hogwarts, Trinity is actually the only spot in the Republic which is still technically British. Oscar Wilde is revered, and you can find plenty of wankers who want to be just like him. Trinity students are renowned for living the wild life, and a stroll through front square will often be interrupted by cries of “It’s Pimms o’clock!” and “God save the queen!”. If you enjoy being better than all the little scrotes around you – Trinity’s for you.

UCD {Founded: 1854)

There’s no way to describe UCD other than it’s totally OMG WOW! It’s like, so big, and there’s like, so many people around. CAO points and exam results are of little importance in UCD. Students are accepted based solely on the blondness of their hair. The men like sports – rugby, football, and even just goofing around with a frisbee with the goys. The women like themselves – looking really tanned in the middle of winter is the way to be. The important thing for UCD students to remember is that Trinity’s really shit.

THE BOOKSTORE

spanner news

secrets of irish charm revealed Scientists say Irish charm an evolutionary response to ugliness

esearchers at Trinity College in Dublin have come up with a startling new theory on how the legendary Irish charm developed â&#x20AC;&#x201C; it was the only way our bet-down ancestors could be guaranteed to reproduce. Newly discovered potato skin parchments reveal that after several millenia of humping our cousins, the Irish gene pool became so restricted that the race was in danger of dying out. With the arrival of Scandinavian and Norman invaders a thousand years ago, the Irish had the chance to rescue their bloodlines, but the icecold Northerners and snobby French turned up their noses at our silage colognes and freckled third chins. It was only through the genius of the much-maligned King of Leinster Diarmuid MacMurrough that the country was saved.

McMurrough realised that a few flagons of mead, a cheeky grin and a couple of stories about the time you and the boys went stone mad on the J1 would melt the heart of the foreigners. He quickly got Strongbow mashed out of his brains on the cider that now bears his name, married him off to his heifer of a daughter and started the flow of new genes that has ensured our survival today. Irish holidaymakers now do their best to fulfil this genetic destiny by finding more attractive partners while abroad and refusing to travel home. Meanwhile, the rest of us suffer and hit the gargle to escape our unattractive reality - left with a night out in Coppers, no jobs and a long term relationship with someone the tide wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t take out to look forward to.

spanner news

Trap actually a bus driver from Santry It’s been revealed that Republic of Ireland manager Giovanni Trapattoni is actually a 73-year-old former bus driver from Santry, north Dublin – and has been masquerading as a soccer manager since having a massive stroke four years ago.

rapattoni – real name Gerry Doyle – was taken into Beaumont Hospital in 2007 after collapsing in his sitting room. The born and bred Dub slipped into a weeklong coma, and when he awoke, he began talking in broken English, gesturing wildly with his hands in a faux Italian style. “Gerry actually hated foreigners,” Doyle’s sister Assumpta said. “When he woke from the coma, he just started talking with this Italian accent – we thought it was a joke.” Doyle befriended FAI CEO John Delaney in an inner-city casino and, after convincing the 16

soccer chief that he had years of experience as a top coach, was offered the Ireland job. Trapattoni’s erratic decision making in the Irish hot seat has caused huge frustration among supporters, but his medical history is now being blamed for calls such as playing Paul Green, ignoring James McClean and, obviously, pretending to be a top-class Italian international soccer manager. Delaney’s position on the situation is unclear, after he responded to the revelation by saying: “I’m a bird, I can fly, I’m a bird, I can fly”. Anthony Pyne

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spanner news

Years of peace prove World War 3 definitely coming, insist conspiracy theorists Literally hundreds of conspiracy theorists across cyberspace believe that the lack of ‘inside job’ terrorist attacks worldwide only go to prove that “something sinister is definitely going on.”

he tinfoil-hat brigade have cited numerous examples of stuff that hasn’t happened in the past year and demand the general public recognise that these non-events are the ‘work’ of secret societies and underhand governments with an Orwellian agenda. “The fact that nothing has happened since that 7/7 fakery in London proves that they are planning something big to further enslave humanity,” Internet blogger ‘#truth-or-die’ hissed at his laptop this week. “It’s only a matter of time before the next 9-11, which everybody knows was an inside job!” Unemployed bloggers were busy all summer predicting a ‘false flag’ event at the London Olympics, i.e an event where powerful governments stage an act of terror in order to sway public opinion towards war. Back in June one such truth-seeker bleated: “The elite are going to either blow up the Olympic Stadium during the Opening Ceremony and kill 100,000 people so they can start WW3… or they’re going to stage an alien invasion so they can create a world army and then a one-world government.” Nothing happened. However, this only 18

strengthened the freedom fighter’s resolve. “Now that they have lulled the people into a false sense of security, they’re going to do it at the Closing Ceremony,” he spluttered. Nothing happened. “Paralympics Closing Ceremony… has to be that… it’s all an elaborate plan, they want to depopulate the earth by five billion people!!” Again, amazingly, considering the conspiracist had at least 14 YouTube clips which suggested that the music, film and advertising industries were dripping with symbolism supposedly predicting the London attacks… Nothing happened. The peaceful summer Games were a real let-down for the doomsday fraternity. “This is bullshit!” #wearetrappedinaworldoffeardonotletthebastardsdragyoudown posted on Twitter and his website theoppressed.com, from his suburban semi-detached house in his completely-detached reality. “This proves nothing, if anything we truth-seekers prevented the false flag attack from happening because we got the word out and they had to cancel their vile plans.” Pat Farrell

spanner news

God admits: I don’t exist God, aka The Supreme Being, The Almighty, Yaweh, Jehovah, Allah, Elohim, Brahman, Baha, Waheguru, Himself, today stunned both believer and pagan by releasing a short statement in which he/she/it declared ‘I don’t actually exist you know’.

od, who has several billion followers (real life, not Twitter) said: “I’ve been having doubts for a while now, and to be honest, it just doesn’t make much sense. “A supreme being that’s both omnipresent and omnipotent, that allegedly crafts you in its own image, guides your path through life and assesses your behaviour but yet never does anything to even remotely affirm its existence and expects devotion based on pure faith alone? “Nah, I’m not buying that shite lads. Maybe you guys are on your own. Just try not to be a dick. Chat to ye later.” God then swiftly shut its Facebook and Twitter accounts, leaving stunned church leaders worldwide to attempt to respond to the anguish and sense of loss felt by its adherents. The Catholic Church said that “Crises of faith happen to everyone from time to time” and said they were sure that: “Given time, God will see sense. In the meantime, keep going to mass, fill the collection envelope and don’t ask too many questions.” Muslims worldwide were outraged by God’s statement, burning effigies of the deity and vowing to pursue a fatwa against he/she/it “as soon as we figure out how to kill an abstract philosophical construct”. Jews said that “God can do what it wants as far as we are concerned - as long as it doesn’t criticise Israel’s foreign policy”, while Hindus were said to be “not that bothered” as they had “rakes of gods”.

Other groups looked to capitalise on the statement, with the ‘executive platinum discount card’ of faiths*, Scientology, saying it was glad God had finally accepted its irrelevance given that we already have a Tom Cruise. One gloating atheist tweeted “Ha, told you fools” before following that up half an hour later with “But if God itself sent the message then...” “Ah bollix.” * = The one you paid a lot of money to join only to realise it was just as pointless and made-up as the rest.

spanner news

Man goes on holiday with sole intention of pulling women, fails 23-year-old Dublin man, Harry, or ‘Horny Harry’ as he claims to be called by friends, has just arrived back home after a two week break in Benidorm. The Horndog had left with the intention of finding some “sun, sea and slags” only to return disappointed, with a farmer’s tan and not a single deposit for the wankbank.

ccompanied by mates, Banter Barry and Randy Ryan, Harry hit the nightclubs every night of his stay, and despite donning his finest Ben Sherman and having a squirt of Hogo Buss aftershave (two bottles for a tenner down at the market), had no luck with the ladies, managing to receive just a patronising peck on the cheek and a handshake. “I dunno what happened me man,” admitted Harry. “Usually foreign birds love the Irish lads, don’t they? I tried me best. “Met some Spanish bird on the first night, and used the routine that’s been doing the business ever since the Barcode days: ask her about herself, nod along to her bullshit, buy her a Smirnoff ice, bring her out onto the dancefloor, grope her arse, then give her a smooch. Never fails. But she was having none of it.” Harry became demoralised as the holiday wore on, and longed to be back home in Dicey’s on a Tuesday, where at least if you don’t pull, you can get locked on twenty quid. “Ah I was getting sick of it. By the last few days I was trying it on with aul’ ones at hen parties. “Even they were making excuses. ‘Ooh I’m married’ or ‘Ooh you’re too young for me’ or ‘Ugh get that thing away from me’. I mean, you’re on holiday sweetheart, live a little.” Banter Barry reported similar luck, stating that during the entire holiday there was “low tide in Banter Bay” and that “the Archbishop of Banterbury won’t be going to Benidorm again

anyway”. Meanwhile, Randy Ryan reported that he enjoyed the opportunity to read his Nietzsche collection again for the first time in years, by the poolside, and that it’s important to get away once in a while, not only to give the body a break from work, but to give the mind and soul some new scenery, to avoid getting bogged down in how utterly futile life can sometimes appear to be. He also fingered some bird behind the bins outside an Irish pub, so he was chuffed with that. Mark Walsh www.walsho.net

spanner news

Israel vs Iran Israel: Iran keeps staring at us and making funny faces

sraeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has said today that Iran keeps staring at his country and making funny faces when the rest of the world is not looking. The chairman of the Likud Party also claimed the Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, was solely responsible for everything bad happening to Israel at the moment. “I know it’s him. He’s always at it. It’s those beady little eyes of his that makes my blood boil!” Mr. Netanyahu told UN officials today. Unconfirmed Israeli media reports claim that Iran had been looking at Israel for quite some time, and that numerous face-pulling incidents had been reported by Israeli special forces, who are currently surveying the Iranian border. “I swear, if they do it one more time we’re going in there,” warned the Israeli leader. American president Barack Obama, who strongly condemns rude gestures between

nations, called for peace between the two sides and has told Mr Netanyahu to take no notice of Iran and that it was ‘only jealous’. Iranian officials have rejected the staring and face-pulling allegations as “ludicrous” and said that the Israeli prime minister was “paranoid out of it”. President Ahmadinejad told UN officials that Iran was only staring in that direction because it heard a loud bang at the time, and that the sun was shining in its eyes when it looked over. The stares and funny faces come amid heightened tensions between Israel and Iran over the latter’s nuclear programme, which, when finished, will totally be used to blow up its next door neighbours. Because that’s how they roll. www.waterfordwhispersnews.com

spanner news

facebook cures Sick baby Sick Baby Miraculously Cured After Facebook Picture Reaches One Million Likes

really sick baby was said to have miraculously recovered this week, shortly after its picture reached one million ‘likes’ on social networking site facebook. The heart-wrenching photo of four-month-old Timmy Jacobs was uploaded in March by a concerned friend of the child’s family. The uploader, who wishes to remain anonymous, asked facebook users for their prayers, stating: ‘Every ‘like’ or ‘comment’ we get on this picture will be like a prayer to God! He also added that if users wish to gain thousands of friend requests instantly they must like his facebook page – ‘fisting grannies’. Fortunately for little Timmy, he received nearly one and a half million prayers to God, and is said to be all better now and back living with his parents in their house, somewhere on the internet. 22

Sources close to the world wide web said today that Timmy was diagnosed with a really incurable illness when he was just one month old, and that there was absolutely no hope of him making it to his first facebook birthday. Since news of his miraculous recovery, thousands of ‘sick children’ photographs have been uploaded to facebook in a bid to cure them with one million likes. Earlier this week, facebook founder Mark Zucherberg denied there was a direct link between facebook likes and prayers to God. However, a spokesperson for the site stated there will be a substantial fee introduced in November for all sick children photographs that pass the one million like mark. www.waterfordwhispersnews.com

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Ireland celebrates anniversary of Guinness marketing strategy

uinness were wetting themselves with glee this month as the nation got behind their annual ‘Anniversary of a marketing strategy’ campaign, providing huge publicity and apparently successfully establishing a spurious holiday in the Irish calendar. “It’s amazing really,” said a bleary-eyed Simon Tout, a senior member of the Guinness marketing team. “The first year we thought, ok, fair enough, 250th anniversary, we’ll get away with that. But 251? 252? 253? Come on man, that’s total bollocks! “Never in our wildest dreams did we think we’d get away with running this on an annual basis,” he said. “Obviously Guinness has a strong association with Ireland but considering we’re now part of global multinational DIAGEO and that it’s mostly oul lads who drink it we didn’t think it would go down so well. Not to mention each pint is as heavy as a full roast dinner.

“But I suppose we underestimated the Irish enthusiasm for any excuse to get hammered on a Thursday. “Now if you’ll excuse me I need the jacks, this stuff ruins your stomach. The DART was toxic this morning.” Tout also revealed that the slogan of the campaign designed to make you want to buy the black stuff “To Arthur!” was in fact named in honour of Arthur Allen, a junior executive who came up with the idea for the ‘holiday’ in the first place, rather than Arthur Guinness, the drink’s inventor. Other drinks brands are preparing to follow Guinness’ lead and establish their own ‘holidays’, like a flock of alcohol peddling sheep. Budweiser are currently rolling out plans for a ‘Watery piss day’, while Tesco plan to re-launch their own brand vodka with a special ‘Homeless people deserve to get wasted too’ day.

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Top 5 excuses to Dodge the Debt In the coming weeks, Ireland’s awe-inspiring Government, inspired from the front by Mayo’s polymath Enda Kenny, head back over to Yoorup for another round of grovelling. But fear not, The Spanner has a ready supply of sure-fire strategies that our lads can use to bamboozle those Euro smart Alecs and avoid paying back all that cash... 1. Declare bankruptcy up North

Apparently you can get declared bankrupt up there in the space of six months. So the Government just jump on the bus to Belfast and take up lodgings in some swanky hotel, keeping a low profile up that neck of the woods until about Paddy’s Day. If it’s good enough for Sean Quinn, hey, it’s good enough for the Irish Government.

2. Sell Leitrim off to some rich Americans for a few billion

Let’s face it, we’re not using the place anyway. And those dopey Yanks love all that green and the rich aroma of slurry combined with fresh pig shite. Carve it out and ship it off over Stateside. They’ll pay top dollar and think they’re the ones getting a bargain. Ch-ching!

3. Promise to set up Angela Merkel with Colin Farrell He’s a little older now and less of a party animal. But let’s be honest, he’s still mint. Meanwhile, she is not. She needs some excitement in her life. You know where this is going. Ditch the acting Col and ride for your country - when we need you most. A few nights of that and the words ‘Anglo Irish Bank’ will be a distant memory to her.

4. More shoots for German Playboy 24

Irish babe and former Miss World Rosanna Davison has just done one.

The lovely pictures will go down a treat with our brethren on the continent. And there’s plenty more where that came from, with Georgia Salpa et al ready for future action. Just say the word and the girls will be available for more saucy snaps, and there won’t even be a fee next time if the hard-hearted EU folk agree to write off that pesky debt.

5. When all else fails - play dumb

“30 billion euro? Bailout? Emergency funds? Na, it doesn’t ring a bell Mate. Sorry about that.” That should cover it. We’ve all had some saucy prick pull that one on us once or twice over the years, so why shouldn’t it work in the international corridors of power? Conor Ward

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