The Spanner by Spanner Magazine

Editorial / Contents

Editorial Oh hello, We didn’t notice you there. We were too busy rubbing oil onto our pale flabby bodies. Not in a weird sexual way, though we can discuss that later if you like, but because the summer is on its way and we’re already planning an orgy of sun-loungers, barbeques, and cocktails on the terrace. Or, more realistically, video shop tanning-beds, garlic cheese chips and jagerbombs in a provincial basement nightclub. And although the Irish summer may fail to deliver more often than An Post you can rest assured that The Spanner summer special will entertain you throughout the drawn-out drizzly days ahead - whether you’ve got time to kill waiting in the airport for that package sun holiday with the lads/girls, or time to kill waiting in the STI clinic after that package sun holiday with the lads/girls. Our in-depth travel guide to EURO 2012 will let you know the Polish translation of ‘We apologise for these abysmal long-ball tactics’, while if you’re a skanger* our Festival Guide will offer advice in making alternative summer plans now that a certain musical gathering isn’t happening. We also take a sideways look at the upcoming movie blockbusters, attempt to make smalltalk with Michael Redmond (aka Fr Stone of Fr Ted fame), preview the 2012 National Student Media Awards and prove our Jedication with an exclusive officially approved Eurovision drinking game**. As if that wasn’t enough, there are hilarious Spanner pics, Xposed photos of college nights out and, of course, all the usual satirical news nonsense. Don’t forget we have new stories and pics daily on www.oxygen.ie, and we’re on all the facebukes and twitters as well. Like ‘The Spanner’ and ‘Oxygen.ie’ now to win a plastic cup of sangria and a misspelled tattoo of your holiday hook-up’s name. Finally, I’d like to thank all of our talented contributors this month and remind you that anyone who thinks they can make the funny is welcome to send in a writing sample to editor@oxygen.ie. Editor, Eoin Ryan Deputy Editor, Paul Morrissey

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Contents Paul Morrissey’s guide to surviving Euro 2012

Summer festivals for skangers

Eurovision drinking game

Movie magic: Tanya Branagan gives you the low-down on upcoming awful movie sequels

Unborn baby using iPhone in the womb

Fine-looking bird in sexual harassment case

Irish women once attracted to nice guys with small willies

National Student Media Awards 2012

Transportation back on cards for reality TV ‘stars’

Hilarious comedy of manners in the Dail

32 County Sovereignty Committee vow to keep uncatchy name

Boyfriend discovers trivial detail actually important

Xposed college pics

Father Stone speaks...

Spanner pics

Spanner cartoons

Voice of the people

* = Obviously, we know Skangers don’t read. **= not officially approved Contributors: Mario Balotelli, Tanya Branagan, Pat Farrell, Alistair Fish, Darren Hardiman, Elaine McDonald, Johnny McGee, Jimmy McNulty, Paul Morrissey, Peter Murnane, Patrick Power, Anthony Pyne, Eoin Ryan, Derren Sproules, Your first shift, Mark Walsh, Colm Williamson. Editorial enquiries, encouragements and complaints: editor@oxygen.ie Advertising: Email: sales@oxygen.ie /// Tel: 01 6471540 Design: Darren Hardiman / email: drnhardiman@gmail.com /// Commercial Enquiries: Colman Byrne / email: colman@oxygen.ie Our Spanner stories are all made up and should not be taken in any way shape or form as truth. The Spanner also contains material that is not suitable for persons under the age of 16, and some material may also be unsuitable to other readers. All content remains the copyright and intellectual property of Student Marketing Network. All rights reserved.

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Euro 2012 survival guide

Euro 2012 survival guide Spanner Deputy Editor Paul Morrissey prepares your mind and body for the most unsanitised road trip of your life this summer

o, you’re off to Polkraine 2012, ostensibly to watch Ireland get flogged in their 5-Star Group of Death, but privately to embark upon a glorified hitch-hiking road-trip, getting as smashed as possible along the way and maybe even getting laid once or twice, recording it all as you go in the vainglorious hope of landing a publishing deal for your ‘Euro Diaries’ on your heroic return home, unkempt and riddled. You’re clearly a feckless troubadour with more money than sense, so The Spanner has taken it upon itself to provide you with our exclusive and official Euros Travel Guide. Never mind the sanitised, Pravdesque Lonely Planet, this is the only guide you’ll need to stay well on your Euro trip.

POLAND Getting there: As already outlined above, the football is incidental in your Great Adventure, so overland is the only way. A direct flight with Ryanair? What ‘grandchildren’ stories are you going to get from that? A baby puking in your in-flight meal and a run-of-the-mill luggage loss at baggage collection. Woopdy fuckin’ doo. You’re not Michael bleedin’ Palin procure a banger from your local halting site, spray-paint it with your crew’s title (e.g. The Pimlico Posse, The Mountview Massive), get the ferry to Cherbourg, and away ye go. Having traversed the breath of central Europe in a poxy little shitbox, you’ll want to see the back of each other after becoming far too acquainted with the lads’ bodily odours and bowel movements, so probably best to go your separate ways for a day or two while you find your feet in your new surroundings.

In fact, probably best to discard the little banger from here on in, it’s only going to cause you grief on your trip. NCT is up during the tournament. And anyway, you’re hitch-hiking home. Where to? No point getting your hopes up on a cultural sojourn to infinitely more interesting Warsaw or Krakow - you’ll be wedged between the provincial Poznan and Gdansk for the week.

POZNAN

Poland’s main student city, which is irrelevant if you think about it, it being summer and all. Home of The Poznan, that daft little shuffle where you turn your back on the field of play, as aped by Man City and Celtic supporters. Don’t even think about doing this during the matches. You’re effectively mocking us poor bastards stuck watching it at home. Also home of the Lech brewery. What better way to spend a hot day than cooped up in a claustrophobic silo

Euro 2012 survival guide

USEFUL PHRASES Anto sobered up quickly when he realised he was standing in his jocks beside a burly moustachioed man.

‘You’re a long w ay home li ttle Irish from man’

tasting unfermented yeast? If it were Irish: Poznan would be... Galway

GDANSK

By all accounts a sleepy, relaxed spot. Probably best to cruise back to Poznan right after the match. Unless you want to wander around looking at churches. Google the pics and lash them into your trip album, to placate Mammy. If it were Irish: Gdansk would be… Maynooth

< Can alcohol be consumed inside the stadium? Może alkohol jest zużywał wewnątrz stadionu? < Why not? Dlaczego nie? < Fuck’s sake! Cholera! <I will conceal my beer and take it in anyway. How much are the giant novelty hats? Będę ukrywać moje piwo i biorą to za wszelką cenę. Ile są kapelusze. <I hear Kraków is a highly reputable brothel - could you please direct us to it? Słyszę Krakov jest klub pasa. Może wy dajecie amerykańskie kierownictwa? <My friend has consumed a dangerous amount of Absolwent and will need to rest. Where is the sobering-up station ? Mój przyjaciel zużył niebezpieczną sumę Absolwent i będzie potrzebować odpoczywać. Gdzie jest wytrzeźwianie stacja? <He spent the night at the sobering-up station but is still violently intoxicated; he will need his stomach pumped. Where is the hospital? On spędzał wieczór późny przy wytrzeźwianiu stacja ale gwałtownie wciąż jest wypity; On będzie potrzebują jego żołądka napompował. Gdzie jest szpital? < I’ve got the heebie-jeebies and could do with an eye-opener. What time do the bars open at? Mam przeżytek i mógłby robić z otwieraczem oka. Jaki czas robi zagrodzenia otwierać przy? < Hm. And the offos? Da. I od licencji ? <We’ve qualified for the next round, I will need to call my boss to inform him I have quit, effective immediately. Where is the nearest pay-phone? My zakwalifikowaliśmy dla następny dookoła, JA będzie potrzebować wołać mojego szefa zawiadamiać jemu JA ma

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porzucenie pracy, czynny natychmiast. Gdzie jest najbliższy taksofon? <Turty-tree and a turd. Trzydzieści trzy i trzeca część <Ole Tak. If, for some reason you wash up in a daze behind the Iron Curtain in the primitive backwater of The Ukraine, don’t panic. Get your shit together, and make a break for the border. Now, bear in mind that during your brief stay in The Ukraine, you’re essentially trapped in a time-warp from the past. Think Harare 1955 or Calcutta 1962. And you’re still not even close. Hope beyond hope that you still have some shrapnel floating around down your bags, because at border control you will in all likelihood stumble upon a giant customs official, who expects a bribe like you expect breakfast. Not corrupt as such, just ‘the way we do things around here’. (N.B. 1 € = 10 UKR Hryvna) Here are the key phrases for the ensuing dialogue:

< What is the usual bribing procedure, do you take Euros? Що являє собою звичайну підкупаючу процедуру, ви берете Euros? < How much? Скільки? < 100? Сотня? <More? Більше? < 200? Два сто ? < Actually, I have no cash. Will you take ciggies? Фактично, я не маю готівки. Ви будете брати ciggies? <Thank you, comrade. Please let me back to Poland now. Дякую, comrade. Будь ласка дозволяйте мені назад до Польщі зараз. And there you have it. Of course, once the week is out and the jig’s up, your trip can finally begin. Hitchin’ back through Europe you big hero.

Paul Morrissey 03

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Festival guide for skangers

Festival guide for skangers Bollix lads, Oxegen’s fookin cancelled! So your name is XXXX-o or XXXX-er and you’ve woken up from your hash and Dutch induced coma for long enough to realise that Oxegen has been cancelled this year, and thus your summer is ruined, unless you and Joxer do the post office then skip off to the Costa. As a reputable publication, The Spanner cannot advocate crime, so instead we offer you these five alternative festivals WICKLOW ARTS FESTIVAL 24 May - 27 May Look, we all know the only reason scumbags go to festivals is to have a different field to drink in for a few days. Why not lug your crate down to the Wicklow Arts Festival and booze it up with all the hairy hippies and hooray Henrys? Get pissed on cans and spit at a family getting their faces painted? Or just go all out and shite on stage during a play! Best for: AlcoSkangers who just want to drink a crate and don’t care where they are and the secretly artistic ones who sometimes watch BBC4 on their dodgyboxes.

DUBLIN DANCE FESTIVAL 11 May - 26 May

Firstly it’s in Dublin, which solves the major complaint every pikebag has at Oxegen “It’s in fuckin’ Kilthdare, pal. Fuckin’ cows and shit.” Secondly, it’s a dance festival. When you’re not 04

fingering each others’ mots and prison-tattooing your knuckles, all yis do is take a load of yips and hit the dance tent. Well this is a fortnight mashed off your skull, dancing all over Dublin. How could it get any better? Best for: Anyone on probation or with a tag and the one in every group called “Pillface Billy” or equivalent.

CAT LAUGHS COMEDY FESTIVAL KILKENNY 31 May - 4 June You’re gas, pal. Everyone knows you’re the funniest cu*t on the landing, even the fucking screws admit it. So you really need to get down to the Cat Laughs festival and give all the

Festival guide for skangers comedians the benefit of your razor sharp wit and acerbic observations on their routines. I mean, who pays to go to a gig to see the comedian? It’s all about the funny bastard at the back who keeps telling him he’s “shite! whuh whuh whuh”. This is the best festival to embrace the age-old scumbag tradition of ruining everyone’s fun while genuinely believing you’re adding to it. Best for: The really psychotic one with the scaldy head so he can work through some of his issues, the slaggy birds because this is the closest they’ll get to a celebrity (i.e. baby-daddy/ kiss and tell story) all year.

GALWAY FILM FLEADH 10 July - 15 July Did you see Sharon and Terry’s porno on YouPorn? She’s a fucking dirty bitch I’ll tell you that for nothing. But we must ask ourselves – How can Sharon progress this talent for oncamera performance? Why the answer is simple: go to the Galway Film Fleadh! This is a surprisingly prestigious event and the security on everything in Galway is arse. You’d have the flick up on the screen in no time, and then boom - journalists watch it, instant fame. Altertatively, have you boys had any

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of the hash in Galway? Serious stuff. Those Brit Hippies know how to smoke. Best for: Sharon, and any other amateur adult actresses on the estate so they can break into the business (rather than being broken in by a businessman), or any of the boys really. Everyone loves a big spliff and a film.

STREET PERFORMANCE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS 14 - 17 June (Dublin) This is a no-brainer. Scumbags love hanging out helping buskers with their acts by getting involved, brandishing their cans and standing at 45 degree angles, screaming at each other like creaky doors. This is the perfect event for the Dublin Skanger-about-town; It’s free, it’s in town, you can bring a crate and there’ll be loads of other schwahs already there. Best for: All of them really. Trust me, they’ll all be there. Also Champagne scumbags, from Clontarf or Blackrock who want to boost their cred and make a few genuine gangland mates. themurnanifesto.wordpress.com Peter Murnane

A great day out for all of the family!

ADMISSION: ADULT €14.50 & CHILD €10 SHOW FEATURES NOT A FINAL LIST, SUBJECT TO CHANGE.

www.invasion.ie

I say, Bravo! Bravo good sir! Encore! ID12 AD2 240x340mm.indd 1

05/04/2012 00:09

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Eurovision drinking game

drinking game sdydydydydy caption

OMG guys, time to get *unted!

We’re big Eurovision fans at The Spanner. Where else can you find cartwheeling simpletons, scantily clad Eastern European lovelies and ageing has-beens all in the one place?

kay, apart from your local nightclub we mean. Or the Late Late Show. As if the entire competition wasn’t entertaining enough you can now make it extra super ‘mad’ craic at the end of May with our specially designed drinking game.

Special rules

Directions: Arm yourself with a large volume drink such as beer or spirits with mixer. Place an empty pint glass in the centre of the group – this is the ‘All kinds 06

of everything’ drink which will be used for forfeits.

mid–song/round means you drink ‘All kinds of everything’.

Jedication: Whenever camera cuts to Jedward during points counting, place your hand on top of your head, palm out to mimic their hairstyle. Last person to do so has to drink ‘All kinds of everything’.

National Pride: Whenever the country that produced your alcohol (Ireland for Guinness, Russia for Vodka etc) wins 8, 10 or 12 points, pour two sips of your drink into ‘All kinds of everything’.

Toilet: If you want to go to the toilet, you must put your hand up and wait for the song/voting round to end. Leaving

Sip (one finger): Graham Norton makes a camp comment/Marty Whelan chuckles to himself /// Non-English

Performance stage

Eurovisiondrinking drinkinggame game Eurovision

speaking country sings in English /// Act or backing dancers wearing sequins/glitter/rhinestones /// Song lyrics include words ‘love’ or ‘baby’ /// Performers/backing dancers exposing up to 33% naked flesh /// Performers wear white clothes/leather/pvc /// Use of panpipes/accordion or saxophone /// Performer clearly wearing fake tan /// Unnecessary dance routine. Gulp (three fingers + 1 sip ‘all kinds of everything’): Non-English speaking country sings in their own language /// Presenters attempt to make a joke /// Country attempts non pop song – any rap/folk/ metal etc /// Performers exposing 33% to 66% naked flesh /// Performer(s) attempt to interact with camera after song finishes /// Performer has a mullet/ afro/80s hair/any ridiculous hairstyle /// Song suggests romantic involvement between singers /// Whenever Graham/Marty mention Engelbert Humperdinck’s age or how long it’s been since he performed in Eurovision.

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Eurovision fashion. Understated.

Finish drink: A Jedward falls while performing /// Performers naked except for underwear/swimwear /// Singer forgets words/clearly out of tune.

Judging stage

Sip (one finger): Country gives its direct neighbours points /// Ireland receives points /// The UK receives points – sips = number of points received /// Graham Norton/Marty Whelan mention UK not doing well. Gulp (three fingers + 1 sip into ‘all

kinds of everything’): Country fails to give a direct neighbour any points /// Graham Norton/Marty Whelan mention ‘tactical/political voting’ /// Presenter on video link attempts to use language of host country /// Problems with TV link. Graham Norton/Marty Whelan say Jedward ‘not out of it yet’ /// Ireland win 8/10 or 12 points. Finish drink: The UK gives Ireland 12 points /// The UK wins 12 points at any stage /// Ireland finish in Top 5 /// Cyprus gives Greece 12 points.

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Summer movie magic

Bringing back some summer movie magic Nothing spells summer more than hiding in a darkened room watching awful movie sequels. Oxygen.ie Entertainment Editor Tanya Branagan has the low-down on the season’s blockbusters...

ummer is well on the way, as evidenced by all the people drinking alongside the canal. But what will those people be illegally downloading after they’ve casually tossed their pint glasses into the water and meandered along home? Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about the upcoming summer movie releases. There seems to be a strong science fiction undercurrent in the river of Hollywood filth this year. This is possibly due to the end-of-days atmosphere in the air caused by the upcoming apocalypse/extinction-level event/singularity/meteorite collision/cosmic evolution/Mayans buying a new calendar; whatever it is, there’s a lot of fantastical films coming your way. Let’s start with the biggie: The Dark Knight Rises. For those who don’t know, it’s the third film in the newest reboot of a series that has been booted more times than a naughty puppy in a 50s comic strip. Batman’s been rewritten, redressed, camped up, stripped down, camped up again and finally pretty much left out of these films, because everyone knows the villains are where it’s at. The Joker stole the show in The Dark Knight, not least because of Heath Ledger’s convenient (from a PR standpoint) death just before its release. In The Dark Knight Rises, Batman’s being menaced by Bane (super strong punching man made of wall) and Catwoman (woman that throws cats, I think). Even though these characters have been played more times than Monopoly, we can count on Christopher Nolan to find a way to make it intriguing and original. And gritty. Another future sci-fi classic is Prometheus, the latest from Ridley Scott, who brought us Alien, and Blade Runner, and if it’s half as good as one of them, then it’ll be five sixteenths of a good film, counting the caché it’ll have for

reminding people of Prometheus and Bob. And that’s worth €9.50 in my opinion. (No it isn’t. Cinemas are too expensive in this country.) Prometheus stars Michael ‘Ubiquitous’ Fassbender, and is set in the extended universe of Alien. It follows a crew in the late 21st century who are following a Mesopotamian star map in order to find the real origins of the human species. (Spoiler alert: aliens.) More aliens abound in Men in Black IIID. That’s the third film, and it’s in 3D, you see. You’re sold already. In this one, to get around the fact that they erased K’s memory at the end of the last film, J must travel back to the 1969 to stop someone assassinating the young K and change history for the better. And smoke a few doobs while he’s at it, no doubt. The film features such classic catchphrases as “Thas’ what I’m talkin’ about!” and “I’m getting too old for this shit.” But does Will Smith say “Welcome to Earth?” Watch it and find out! (No don’t, it looks bad.) Keeping with the 1960s theme, Dark Shadows is Tim Burton’s new gothic film starring (guess who) and (his bird) with music by (John Williams. Just kidding). It’s a vampire-out-of-water comedy about an undead playboy who’s been woken from his eternal slumber into the swinging, well 70s. Although all Tim Burton’s films are about gothic misfits juxtaposing themselves with regular society (childhood issues anyone?) and they all star the same two (beautiful) people, this one might be a winner. It’s an adaptation of a cult 70s sitcom, which initially was not actually about vampires. But the audience wasn’t that into it, so hey! vampires, ghosts, werewolves, monsters, witches, time travel, parallel universes. Sounds great! Hopefully it’s out on DVD.

Summer movie magic

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What do you mean my voice is stupid? Let’s see how you sound with skin-tight rubber keks.

...

A few more quickies POSSIBLE GOODIES

Total rubbish: Farlo getting a perm in for Total Recall 2012. Rapih!

The Avengers is sure to logue and quirky humour Joss Whedon’s snappy dia comic of line g lon ly sing the increa make this a stand-out in ney Jr. Dow ert Rob n ntio me to book adaptations. Not othy Green The Odd Life of Tim by Frank Zappa’s son a ide an from ing mm Ste t will a child about a drunk couple tha Ahmed, it’s a Disney film ’ll see. We sis? nder! Child psycho into existence. Magic! Wo mpire Hunter Abraham Lincoln: Va Need we say more? Paranorman about a e; a stop-motion animation From the makers of Coralin value som g rnin lea zombies. And child saving his town from bt. dou no , way the ng alo able truths about himself the End of the World Seeking a Friend for e before about a couple finding lov A pre-apocalyptic comedy earth. an asteroid destroys the

BADDIES PROBABLE tot al remake The Total Recall Just no.

l Drift Ice Age: Continenta ice left. ch mu t tha n eve not There’s Step Up: Revolution it. olve. I’m still not watching So they’ve learned to rev ed Safety Not Guarante hing that became a meme. Not A movie based on an ad t ones rne Inte s. me me of e cam original or creative ever anyway.

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Spanner news

Unborn baby using iPhone in the womb Concerns over the dangers of technology for our youth were exacerbated today when it was revealed that an unborn baby has been using an iPhone from the womb “Sooo sick of this, same shit differentcaption day.”

isling, a 29 year old wife and mother, was shocked when ultrasound images showed that her unborn child was using an iPhone 4 in the womb. The foetus has been actively engaging on social networks, creating Twitter and Facebook profiles, on which she has been detailing and bemoaning life in her mother’s womb. She set up a profile on Linkedin but promptly gave up after having relatively little to put on her career history. Some choice Facebook status updates are as follows: “Sooo sick of this, same shit different day.” “Can’t wait to get out of this place.” “Don’t know why people bother spreading shit about me behind my back.” Meanwhile, the unnamed child has been tweeting clever puns with the use of hash-tags: “Can’t help but feel out of place sometimes #elephantinthewomb.” The story has created further outcry amongst those who fear the effects and risks of technology on young people. Such 10

fears include chatting with strangers online, posting sensitive information that is available publicly, and watching funny videos of clumsy cats all day. Those concerned are advocating more traditional hobbies, such as board games, playing sport, and masturbating to page 3 of The Sun. Mother, Aisling, is concerned only by her unborn daughter’s poor taste in music, having seen the YouTube playlist she has created, entitled “Fallopian Tunes”, featuring woman-beaterbut-still-good-dancer-in-all-fairness, Chris Brown. Mark Zuckerberg has responded to the news by announcing that Facebook timeline will now begin with “Conceived” rather than “Born”, to allow for users to share their inane bullshit pre-birth. The Spanner hereby promises to update in 18 years time with photos from the girl’s Leaving Cert holiday in Magaluf. Mark Walsh www.walsho.net

Spanner news

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Fine-looking bird in sexual dydydydyydydydy harassment case ‘She used to twirl her hair the whole time’ A fine-looking bird with a nice arse has accused several of her innocent male colleagues at WWN of sexual harassment over a 14-month period, a court was told yesterday

our wan from accounts said she had been subjected to numerous humiliations since she started working for the South-Eastern media giant in 2010. Solicitor for the so-called victim, Terrence Waterman, told Waterford district court that she had reported the harassment on five different occasions to the deputy-editor, but nothing was done. “Everytime I handed in the complaint he asked me to join him for dinner so we could ‘talk in more detail’ about the matter,” she said. “After the first couple of ‘restaurant meetings’ I realised he was only trying to get me into bed.” The lying cow then told the court that she felt threatened by her male colleagues and sometimes even rang in sick to work because she couldn’t face the litany of abuse directed at her. “Any time I would walk down to the photocopying machine the whole place would go quiet. I could just feel their eyes all over me,” added the paranoid bitch. The editor of the newspaper told himself yesterday that there was no way any of his male employees would ever subject any female worker to that, even if she did have a stunning arse and fairly fit head. “Your wan was flirting with everyone so I don’t know what she’s on about boy! She used to twirl her hair the whole time and laugh at jokes that weren’t even funny.” Three employees, Les Duggan, Paddy Browne and Thomas Hill have all pleaded not guilty to over 478 charges of sexual harassment in the work place. The case is set to continue for three more weeks.

www.waterfordwhispersnews.com

‘She hasn’t got a fabulous leg to stand on’ 11

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Spanner news

Women once attracted to nice guys with small willies

Of course I fancy you. I think you’re really… nice.

iologists have discovered that women in Ireland once possessed a gene that made them attracted almost exclusively to men with nice personalities and modestly sized penises. The gene, which has now almost completely vanished, encouraged women to mate with males who were chivalrous, loyal, friendly, in possession of modestly sized genitals (3.5 inches erect, 1.3 inches flacid) and who tended to be what the study describes as ‘swift and functional’ lovers. A study of women who were in their sexual prime in the 1950s revealed that 98pc of them had a gene called ‘Strain N’, which is compatible with a male gene called ‘Warm K’, found most commonly 12

in postmen, carpenters and bus drivers. The gene died out extremely quickly as Irish women were exposed to American ideals such as male grooming, muscles and, most crucially, the concept that women could also achieve an orgasm. “Back in the 50s, if you were a nice lad with a steady job you could basically have your pick of any woman you wanted in your town, village or wherever you may have been,” said Professor Richard Cunningham, who led the study. “That changed in the 70s, when the next generation were exposed to programmes like ‘Starsky and Hutch’ and ‘The Riordans’. It made women think that being a right bastard was cool, and their smaller brains became corrupted.

“It was a huge shift in Ireland’s culture - many Irish men have yet to catch up, and the ones that have are, generally, massive wankers.’ Professor Cunningham added that Irish men have suffered a genetic reaction to the change, the most obvious example being what he termed ‘Coppers Outbreak’, a viral inflammation that fuels a desire to mate with obnoxious, domineering women, typically teachers and nurses. “It’s certainly spreading. These days, nice guys finish last. It’s a sad state of affairs,” he lamented. “Most of the nice guys left in this country are either on late-night radio, or they’re gay.” Anthony Pyne

Yyyyyyyyyyy

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Smedias 2012

National Student marks dent Media Awards he 12th National Stu stuas r da en cal nt de stu the highlight of the s! car Os alent of the dents get their equiv oughld in huge regard thr he are ias ed Sm e Th spre im r ou m fro be seen out the industry as can to sincerely like â&#x20AC;&#x2122;d We . ers rtn pa sive and loyal media nising their support in recog thank all of them for d. lan Ire in t en tal dia and fostering me dia the spectrum of me Students from across es, ori eg cat l ua in 35 individ compete for awards med med presented by estee an d ge jud are ich wh dia professionals. ges t presenters and jud Previous and curren y FM), da (To rcy Dâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;A y Ra E), include: Gay Byrne (RT E), Tim ss), Mary Wilson (RT Niall Stokes (Hot Pre ty (Sunday Gin Mc lm Co r), ne Vaughan (Irish Exami Daily m), Paul Drury (Irish World), Ruth Scott (2f r). Sta ily Da sh (Iri lan Mail), Billy Scan or see www.smedias.ie For more information www.oxygen.ie

SMED 20

Smedias 2012

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Media Awards

DIAS 012

35 CATEGORIES

l Newspaper of the Year Journalist of the Ye ar l Journalist of the Yea r - National Press News Photograph er of the Year l Blog of the Year Radio Production of the Year - Arts & Features l Radio Production of the year - News & Current affairs Radio Documenta ry of the Year l Radio DJ of the Yea r Sports Writer of the year l Sports Photograph er of the Year Photographer of the Year l Peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Choice Aw ard Website of the Year l TV Production of the Year Web Designer of the Year l Short Story of the Year Editor of the Year l Magazine of the Yea r Society Publicatio n of the Year l Layout and Desig n of the Year Travel Writer of the Year l Colour Writer of the Year Features Writer of the Year - News & Current affairs l Features Writer of the year - Arts & Po p Culture The Road Safety Au thority Award for Journalism relating to Road Safety l Small College Public ation of the Year Short Animation of the Year l Journalism relating to mental health or suicide prevention Film Script of the Year l Leiriuchain Teilifis e i nGaeilge - Faisne is agus Dramaiocht Iriseoireacht i nGae ilge (Raidio) l Iriseoireacht i nG aeilge (Scriofa) Short Film of the Ye ar l Best Written, Audio or Visual work on Science or Educatio n

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Spanner news

Transportation back on cards for reality TV ‘stars’ There was much public rejoicing across Ireland and Britain yesterday as the last of the most reviled members of society boarded aircraft on the one-way trip of a lifetime, for a lifetime

peration ‘Endless Summer’, which is jointly funded gladly by taxpayers, Dail Eireann and Whitehall, is in full swing as thousands of reality TV whores are Lanzarotebound. Two months in the making of its “final stage”, the scheme conned perma-tanned fuckwits into believing they were auditioning for a Love-Island-style reality TV show, taking in fans of Geordie Shore, Made In Chelsea, The Only Way Is Essex in England, and Tallafornia and Fade Street in Ireland. Over 12,000 muscle-bound goons and clown-faced aspiring glamour models entered the ‘competition’, which saw everyone successfully pass the round one auditions. Over the past month, these thong-stains have been loaded onto Ryanair flights in their droves and transported to a remote uninhabited island off the coast of the sun-kissed budget holiday destination. On arrival they have been set up in basic accommodation, given a party-pack of cigarettes, alcohol and contraceptives and told to “do whatever comes natural”. To prolong the deception, hundreds of faux cameramen have been employed in the many meagre villas to operate imitation video cameras – crudely hammed together with toilet roll holders and shoeboxes – for, a British government spokesperson stated, “as long as necessary”. The spokesperson, when quizzed on the obvious fakeness of the video cameras, replied: “Obvious to you and I perhaps, but not these cretins.” The camera operators will also double as crack cocaine dealers for the undefined duration of ‘Endless Summer’. A joint statement by both governments went on: “This scheme has been in operation for five years now. The first stage was to create the television shows such as TOWIE and Tallafornia. We knew these mutants were out there, we merely had to create a vehicle for them to celebrate their anti-evolution lifestyle in a prime-time medium, therefore weeding out others like them, giving them to have the desire to follow their idols onto the small screen. The new ‘show’, will run for a minimum of six months, when a review will take place to see if all the contestants have expired from disease and murder. Survivors will progress to the next six-month stage, and so on. 16

You can’t beat the Jail-birds wha! A cross-country poll has found 86pc of people believe this will be a fresh start for society, the other 14pc hadn’t heard of reality television. Pat Farrell

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Hilarious comedy of manners in the Dail The Dail yesterday descended into anarchy as a farce of Wildean proportions was revealed, finally giving a full explanation as to the absolute state that the nation is in. It transpires that very few of the ministers were aware of what their jobs actually were

he crisis was revealed when a question about the army was put to current Minister for Defence, Paul Kehoe. He responded with “I dunno, ask the minister for the army. I checked on the fence earlier on and it was fine.” After the stunned silence that greeted this, it was eventually ascertained that Mr.Kehoe had actually believed that he was the Minister for The Fence, and his brief was the care and maintenance of the railings outside Dail Eireann. It should be noted that the railings have been particularly shiny and magnificent since the current government took office. When this had been established, An Taoiseach decided to go through the cabinet and make sure there had been no other little mix-ups. The results were shocking. Minister for Agriculture Simon

‘All Taoiseachs end up like their predecessors Nooners. That is their tragedy’ Coveney was revealed to have been acting as Minister for A Greek Culture. He had been doing a piss-poor job as this, his major actions being eating more yoghurt and smashing all the plates in his kitchen. However, the continued rise of Georgia Salpa is believed to be linked to his Ministry, so a grateful nation owes him a debt of thanks. Most disturbingly, it was discovered that Ministers for Finance and Justice, Michael Noonan and Alan Shatter, had thoroughly misunderstood their briefs. Mr Noonan had been working as Minister for Fine Aunts while Mr Shatter took the role of Minister for Just Ice. Mr. Noonan had been stalking the country on facebook and compiling a list of everyone’s aunts. He had then cross-referenced this with parish records and mathematical standards for beauty in order to compile a database of all the physically attractive aunties

around the country. When pressed for comment, he said: “Yeah, it’s obvious now. I did wonder what the point of the database was, but hey, that’s politics, bitches! You don’t ask questions, you just react to issues and get on with the pretend work.” When The Spanner texted Mr Shatter, he replied “Duhhh! OMG goys, loike seriously I was being such a remo. Minister for Just Ice? Totes embarassballs. I was just all, loike, looking at pictures of ice and measuring ice cubes and learning about temperature and stuff. FML, lol!” Minister for Health James Reilly tried to jump on the bandwagon by claiming he had believed he was acting as “Minister for Elves, Huh-huh-huh-huh” but told to “stop lying” “cop onto himself” and “fuck off and go on a diet.” Peter Murnane themurnanifesto.wordpress.com 17

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32 County Sovereignty Committee vow to keep uncatchy name The 32 County Sovereignty Committee have announced that after much deliberation they’ve decided to continue operating under the same eminently forgettable name. The news was announced at a badly-lit press conference in Derry this afternoon

he decision now leaves the militant Republican group somewhat out in the cold, as it was announced earlier in the week that several other IRA splinter groups have united under a new plan to rebrand themselves in a bid to appeal to a younger, trendier audience. Among those who have joined the ‘New Republican Project’ are the Continuity IRA (who operate mainly within the film industry ensuring consistency between takes during filming), the Real IRA (who are frequently mistaken for a Spanish football team), and the Surreal IRA (a group of avant-garde art terrorists who carry out bizarre and often thought-provoking terrorist attacks). The various splinter groups held extensive talks over the Easter weekend under the guise of celebrating the 1916 rising. Perhaps the most important outcome of the talks was the decision to hire ‘Invisible Children, Inc.’ (the group behind the notoriously successful Kony 2012 campaign) to rebrand and relaunch militant Republicanism for the online generation. “It’s certainly going to be a challenge,” yelled director, Jason Russell, while bending over and spreading his butt cheeks at the passing traffic, “but there’s a lot of good material there for us to work with. Hipsters like street art and retro clothing and Republicans have been painting funky sectarian murals in skinny jeans since the 1970s.” “I think the biggest, and perhaps most difficult, challenge will be shifting our emphasis away from the Brits and onto the EU instead,” Russell continued, “The Brits just aren’t fashionable as a target for Irish hatred anymore. “Everyone knows they don’t really want the six counties, hell, they’re barely even occupying the Middle East these days…Nobody cares about them. “The real ‘baddies’ are the EU and the IMF.” The ‘New Republican Project’ is going to be unveiled officially next week on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, and Bebo, with promotion from several celebrities including Marty 14 18

Studies reveal republican paramilitaries catch 1916% less chills in winter

Whelan, Terry Wogan, Robert DeNiro, Naomi Campbell, and Dale Winton. Fintan O’Toolbox donegaldollop.wordpress.com

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Boyfriend discovers trivial detail actually extremely important Tiernan Og (21) learned a valuable life lesson yesterday as his four-month relationship with fellow Arts student Saoirse O’Saor came to an abrupt halt

Hi, yes, this is total ledge

ollowing a terse lunch in UCD’s Café Brava, Og received a curt text message from his former girlfriend, informing him that their fledgling romance was ‘like totally over’. “To be honest dude, it was a bit of a bolt from the blue,” said the former Blackrock college pupil, who lists his interests as ‘rugby’, ‘Jager’ and ‘clunge’. “I thought things were going grand. We had a bit of a rough patch a couple of weeks ago when she found out I rode her best mate Sorcha after the Arts ball last year but we’d agreed to be like adults about and shit. “Believe me, Sorcha was adult about it anyway! (high-fives The

Spanner). We met up for lunch and she was jabbering on about her plans for the summer and all, you know the way birds do. I was on my phone, trying to get tickets for the Heino final, when suddenly she asks me whether I’ve been like listening to her at all? “I tried to spoof it and said ‘of course’ but then she asked me what the last thing she said was. I hadn’t a Scooby, so I just guessed and said ‘I told you it was just physical between me and Sorcha babes.’ “She went off on a mad one then, ranting and raving about how I never listened to a word she said and that I only went out with her for the handy ride. “I tried to put her straight there,

it’s not like I’d be stuck for action with these pecs, you know? She was having none of it though, and when I asked her whether she was on the blob or what she actually got up and walked off! Mentalist. “So, yeah basically she’s dumped me for not listening to her which is total bullshit if you ask me. Who listens to anyone these days? Anyway, chat to you later dude, I’m off to refriend Sorcha on facebook…” O’Saor confirmed the couple’s separation but said that she had broken up with Og to “live with my Erasmus boyfriend Pierre in Paris for the summer. Which I told him to his face. If he’d paid attention for a few seconds of his dozy life he might just have kept me…”

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THE SPANNER

Interview

Father Stone speaks... Michael Redmond is better known as Father Stone from Father Ted; the polite but boring priest that likes nothing better than to sit in Ted’s house for weeks on end, never saying or doing anything. But who is the man behind the moustache? The Spanner: Michael, it’s great to have you back in Ireland! (Michael now lives in Scotland) Michael Redmond: Cheers, it’s great to be back. S: Do you find that Irish and Scottish comedy overlap or are they different in any sense? MR: Ah yeah, there’d be the same self-deprecating aspect to the humour - shared history of oppression and all that! S: Ever been to Tedfest? MR: I actually went along the first year would you believe! It was great fun, I acted out a lot of Father Stone on request, which was a lot of the time! S: What about Father Ted’s lasting legacy? Are we a bit too nostalgic over it with rituals like Tedfest? You don’t hear the English still going on about the Fast Show, for example... MR: Well, yeah, but it’s just a great, timeless show, and for such a small country, it’s a great achievement. So why not celebrate it? I think its lasting legacy is just a great thing. S: When you were cast into the role of Fr. Stone did you receive any direction? Was it just method acting or was there much deliberation into his character? MR: It’s actually a funny story. They had the idea for a dull, boring priest, so they got in touch and asked me to come down. I basically just improv’d the first takes and we took it from there. But otherwise, it didn’t take much method acting, no! I’d be naturally relaxed like that so it didn’t take much preparation. S: Stuart Lee made a whole show about how Joe Pasquale stole your ‘Get out of my garden’ joke. How did you feel about this? 22

Interview

THE SPANNER

MR: I was delighted with it. I hadn’t seen the show on the television on which Joe Pasquale stole the joke and was completely unaware of it until Stewart pointed it out. I also thought that Stewart’s routine was very funny and clever. S: So onto Father Stone. Could you do a bit of the character for us, for the craic? MR: Ah, yeah, fire away! (Morphs into character) S: So are ya alright there Father? Can I get you a pint or anything? MR: No....no, I’m grand thanks. S: You obviously came across as a one-dimensional bore in the episode, but there was surely more than met the eye? As in, could anybody really be satisfied with coasting through life like that so unfazed? MR:Ah....it’s grand.

‘I’m fine’

S: Of course, being that ‘ice cold’ would have its benefits. Playing poker for one, or withstanding interrogation. Would Father Stone crack under the CIA’s waterboarding? MR: Ah, I wouldn’t know. S: Is there anyone in your life who represents Father Stone and, if so, how do you deal with them? MR: There is a guy in Glasgow who is almost identical to Fr. Stone. I compere a gig every Sunday at The Stand comedy

club and he often turns up on his own and insists on buying me a drink after the show. But then has absolutely nothing to say. If I know that he is in, I stay in the dressing room until I know that he has left. S: And finally, if you could be the moustache of someone famous, who would it be? MR: Groucho Marx or failing that, Kylie Minogue. Elaine McDonald & Paul Morrissey

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>>>FROM PAGE 22

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Bertie finally where he belongs…

It’s fruit you pervert…

F*ck tha Po-lice!

It’s LOL COZ it’s TT

A Few Goodmen

Enda could only think of one thing to say thank you for all the EU’s support

For a daily dose of the funniest pics the interweb has to offer visit Oxygen.ie or like 'The Spanner' on facebuke! 23 25

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Spanner cartoons

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Voice of the people

Brian (32) Pervert

Blonde hair. No jeans. Look what you do to me (motions towards trousers). I can honestly say that is the single most important event in my life to date. I’ve ordered 100 copies of the magazine, so I can wallpaper my ‘box’ room, and purchased several litres of hand lotion and a multi-pack of Bounty. Rosie baby - add me!

Michael (49) Farmer

“Jaysis, me eyes near fell out of me head when I seen her. I do buy the Sunday World and there does be plenty of young wans in their underclothes in that but boobies and nipples and the like are another thing altogether. Would the Maxol stock it do you think? 28

Anto (20) Unemployed

Yer one de Miss Wurdled yeh? Serious? Fookin hell, yeah, if she gets her gee out then I’ll defo ‘borrow’ it from Eastons an anyways. Cracker she is. Probably well up her own hole tho, you know these Southside mots.

This month: What do you think of Rosanna Davison posing for Playboy?

Martin (48) Homeless

Playboy is a relatively high-brow form of erotica in my worldview. Rosanna is an attractive, confident woman who has decided she wants to exhibit herself for the world to admire and why not? Call me a feminist but it’s her body and if she wants to monetize it then that’s her business. How are you fixed for Big Issues by the way?

Sarah (23) Aspiring model

OMG, Rosanna is like amazeballs. I’ve had a playboy pencil case since I was 12 and it would be like my dream come true to be a playboy bunny! You wouldn’t have to actually touch him though would you? He’s like 100 years old, that would be totes gross.

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