The Spanner Magazine by Spanner Magazine

Issue No. 27 March 2010

Girl sues over ‘not hot’ photos tagged on facebook

s a i d e m s 10th Anniversary

2010

Dave McSavage Casts his eye over Irish culture

Xposed Rag Week 2010 pics

In the News Student contracts mystery deadline day virus Michael O’Leary slams God’s job performance Claiming the dole module introduced to ﬁnal year arts

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THE SPANNER

Editorial / Contents

Contents

Editorial

Spanner News

Greetings dear reader,

Girl introduces ‘hot only’ photo tagging policy

Michael O’Leary slams God’s job perfomance

Campus News

Student contracts mystery deadline day virus

Claiming the dole to be introduced to ﬁnal year arts

The Spanner’s guide to the races

You may have noticed an A4 and a half shaped hole in your life recently. This is our first Spanner Magazine of the year, nay the decade, and we hope you like it. Heh heh, hole. We’ve been busy helping the government plan their strategy for lifting Ireland out of recession - by which we mean we’ve been playing a lot of Xbox and drinking cans in Leinster house. Dem boys sure know how to party while the ship goes down. It’s a veritable feast of funny for you this month. Check out our guide to the races, the real SU president manifestos, the best of the weird wide web and all the action from Rag Week in Xposed. Naturally, we’ve also got all your favourite satirical stories in Spanner News, one of which surprisingly enabled us to put a hot bird on the cover. What are the chances eh? We’re mixing the high brow (ish) of haiku poetry with the ignorant wailing of the masses in Voice of the People, getting a dig in at Rte with TV corner, and continuing our tour of the country’s fleshpots in The Spanner’s guide to Meatmarkets. As if that wasn’t enough, David McSavage, the comedian everyone loves to hate, discusses pissing people off, RTE’s relationship with comedy, and the success of his recent TV show The Savage Eye. Check out our big cash giveaway and lastly, but not leastly, don’t forget that The 10th anniversary Student Media Awards are on April 21 in The Mansion House in Dublin. Remember, no attempt to influence oxygen staff or judges will be tolerated, but if you must waste your time sending bribes you can make the cheques out to ‘Spanner Ed’.

Student Union Candidates 2010

Voice of the People

Smedias 2010

Poetry Corner

Meat Markets - Cork & limerick

Xposed pictures

Interview: Dave McSavage

TV Corner

Weird Wide Web

Funnies

Big Cash Giveaway!

Editorial enquiries, encouragements and complaints: Eoin Ryan Email: editor@oxygen.ie Advertising: Philip Le Guay Email: phil@oxygen.ie Tel: 01 6471540 Commercial Enquiries: Colman Byrne Email: colman@oxygen.ie Design & Layout: Sorcha Herlihy sorchaherlihy@gmail.com Our Spanner stories are all made up and should not be taken in any way shape or form as truth. The Spanner also contains material that is not suitable for persons under the age of 16, and some material may also be unsuitable to other readers. All content remains the copyright and intellectual property of Oxygen Direct. All rights reserved.

Inappropriately intimate farewells, xxx Eoin Ryan Editor Eternal gratitude to all of our Contributors: Snoopy Francois, Enda Kenneally, Jennifer Bannon, Colm Williamson, Alan Moloney, Alan Smith, Rafael Benitez, Charlie Haughey, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Marcus De Burca, Your Face. Sign up for our weekly Spanner Ezine on www.oxygen.ie or become a fan of ‘The Spanner’ on facebook for daily updates. If you think you’ve got what it takes to make the funny, feel free to send in contributions to editor@oxygen.ie

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Spanner News

Spanner News Girl sues friend over tagging of ‘not hot’ facebook pics 19-year-old Dublin student, Aoife Kelly, has commenced legal action against a former friend after a damaging series of ‘non hot’ photos were published on social networking site Facebook. The Foxrock resident released a statement last week, conﬁrming the ‘regrettable but unavoidable’ move, which followed the publication of

Apple’s ‘free hot girl with every new mac’ promotion proved popular 2

an album of pictures from Club 92 by one time ‘bestie’ Susan Lynch-Mobbe. Kelly has long maintained an unequivocal ‘attractive only’ policy for allowing herself to be tagged in photos online. Several of the uploaded photographs painted the young woman in a less than flawless light however, prompting her to circulate a strongly word rebuke to would be taggers. “The pictures that Susan tagged me in were absolutely unacceptable,” said Ms. Kelly, in a statement released through her solicitors. “Among other things, they suggested that I have a double chin when observed from below, that I may have failed to remove every trace of hair growth from my body and that I had been anything less than flawless in my application of fake tan.” “In future when tagging me in pictures online, please ensure that I am represented accurately, i.e. looking as hot as you know me to be. Apart from those couple of weeks after the leaving cert results that I’d prefer not to discuss obviously. “Non compliance will result in the de-tagging of pictures and unfriending of culprits, with repeat offenders subjected to a systematic campaign of bitchy comments and lie spreading.” “It’s hilarious man,” said former boyfriend Brian Webb-Ellis. “She’s got like 2,000 pics of herself up there, all of them totally open to the public. She’s happy to be half naked and lap up the attention when it suits her but god help you if you catch her at an angle that shows off her weird ears. “I was there that night she fell over, flashing her fat hairy arse and streaky legs to the world. I was even the one who tripped her. Who’s the ledge? “Wait till she finds out me and Susie are doing a bit of rucking of our own, she’ll go totally apeshit. And she can’t said a word unless she wants to see that birthday video she made me up on youporn. Score.”

THE SPANNER

Spanner News

Michael O’Leary slams God’s job performance Ireland’s most high profile businessman, Michael O’Leary, reckons that God could benefit from listening to his views on creation and people management. As the biblical prophecy of Judgement Day looms, the Chief Executive Officer of airline Ryanair has called on God to make “really tough decisions on who he wants to take to the kingdom of heaven.” The County Westmeath man said: “I don’t really feel that God is the man for the job. I think that he has too much control and he has gotten too old and complacent over the past thousand years. He’s utterly useless. All he’s done since the great flood was send a couple of his staff down to keep the peace. That’s just not good enough. “Thats like me sending a stewardess to an international press conference after a major incident and telling her to say “Stop! everything will be ok”. It’s like taking a dump. You don’t need to think about tough decisions. You take them. You’re the creator of the universe, for f**k’s sake. Where was he through the recession eh? Listening to the bankers prayers no doubt!” When asked about the Ten Commandments, O’Leary said: “Ten Commandments? What’s that all about? I can think of at least a hundred. And I would fine anyone who breaks them. That would put a stop to a lot of the problems. You have to think of it like a business. People don’t do moral anymore. Hit them where it hurts. Oh! you committed murder?! 2 million euro, BAM! (slams hand on desk) How do you like them apples baby?” Commenting on the son of God, the Ryanair boss added: “What was he thinking eh? Sending his pacifist son down here to save the world. A Jewish carpenter! For f*cks sake. He didn’t even put him in a rich Jewish family! How the hell did he make that mistake? What are the odds on not being put into a rich Jewish family? And then, the carpenter gets nailed to a plank! It’s like an Alanis Morissette song. Don’t ya think?” “There’s no point in creating the whole of civilisation if your not going to manage it properly. As a creator you need to be actively involved. He’s lazy and afraid to get his hands dirty and that’s the bottom line.” he added. Mr. O’Leary also stated that God must introduce imaginative policies to encourage people to be good as the day of judgement draws nearer. 4

‘Miracles?, no bother - none for the DAA though, hate them lads.’

“There is a lot of pain and anguish in this world, we are all paying the price for God’s mistakes. Another great ﬂood would be ideal for the current situation. We build a giant space station and let the land fertilize for a few years. A fresh start. “Of course a lottery system would decide survivors but all high proﬁle business people get a free pass. After all, the world needs creative thinking.” www.waterfordwhispersnews.com

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Spanner News

Campus News

Student contracts mystery deadline day virus

NUI Galway Professor of English, Dr. Mary Synonym, has expressed concern for one of her students, after the young man developed a mysterious medical condition - just hours before the submission of his final year thesis was due. “I hope you’ll all join me in wishing John O’Mahony well,” she wrote in an email circulated to colleagues. “He has fallen victim to some new type of serious illness, which has baffled doctors. He appears to be suffering from an extreme allergic reaction to reading, writing, typing or indeed academic work of any kind. “He contacted me on Thursday from the hospital to tell me the unfortunate news. It was difficult to hear him over the laughing and shouting in the background, but he explained that he was in an experimental ward, where patients were being treated holistically. “The poor kid has apparently been forced to drink cans of cheap beer, and play computer games all week, in an attempt by the doctors to rule out any

John was determined to resist the ‘sexy nurse leaning over the bed’ fake sickie test.

other daily activities which may be causing a similar reaction. “He told me he was particularly dreading the second phase of testing, where they plan to make him masturbate constantly to midget porn, while eating cheap Chinese takeaways. “The really sad thing is that John had just ﬁnished his thesis work, a 10,000 word analysis on the links between classic greek tragedy and the Podge and Rodge show. “But when he went to save the ﬁnal draft, the allergy kicked in and he lost consciousness, and the laptop battery went dead. He has assured me that as soon as he gets the all clear from doctors he’ll be handing it in, so in the meantime I think it would be best if we gave him a 6 month extension.” Reaction to O’Mahony’s condition among his peers was more understated, with one classmate laughing “Some chancing bastard that lad. He got the same lecturer to give him 50 euro last year when he said travellers had stolen his shoes. But he’d actually just lost them in a bet on a drinking game. Legend.”

Spanner News

THE SPANNER

Claiming the dole module to be introduced to ﬁnal year arts You didn’t think Archeology was a real career did you? You’d be better off digging holes.

Ireland’s big universities have announced a major overall of the subjects they will offer in Arts courses next year. UCD, Maynooth, NUI Galway, and her majesty’s college Trinity, have all confirmed that a ‘claiming the dole’ module will be introduced to all final year arts programmes for the 2010/11 academic year. Ms. Melanie Sterngazer, spokesperson for the Irish association of overpaid lecturers made the announcement today. “It’s a practical response to unfortunate economic realities,” she waffled. “In the current climate, the appreciation of a broad based education is sadly not what it used to be. “We feel that by expanding and refocusing our curriculae we can respond better to the changing needs of the global labour dynamic.” A Trinity student who was present at the press conference kindly translated this verbal diarrhoea for The Spanner – Arts students have even less chance of a job these days so we might as well teach them how to apply for the scratcher. The intensive ‘claiming the dole’ course will cover a wide range of topics including • Filling out forms – Blue biro or Black? • Manage your indignation – get the outraged tone right for that call to Joe Duffy

• Drinking everyday on under 200 euro a week • Forging vital documents • How to pretend you don’t live at home Students will also be forced to line up before every class and sign in at a register, building hands on dole queue experience. Recession courses won’t be limited to the dole however – Emigration studies is another new subject that’s sure to prove popular. Coursebook “So you’ve finally seen sense” details a range of migration options for the would be exile, all of which are sunnier, offer more attractive sex partners and are less financially fucked than our fine island. It provides a detailed guide to bluffing your underqualified arse into your destination of choice, including fake contact details for Australian fruit farms you can claim to have worked for , or a reference letter praising your exemplary 5 year stint as a professional pube waxer. UCD Arts class rep Fionn Mc Dude, gave a guarded welcome to the new courses, saying “Nobody really gives a fuck man. It’s just one more class not to bother your hole goin to. “We wouldn’t have done arts if we’d planned on having jobs in the first place y’know? I only came for three years of skulling pints and chasing young ones, then it’s in to dad’s office with me.” 7

THE SPANNER

Spanner Sport

The Spanner’s Guide to the Races Aside from World Cups, general begrudgery and exchanging anecdotes about sexual experiences with Glenda Gilson, there are few events which unite the nation of Ireland like a day at the races. Here’s Snoopy Francois’s guide to rubbing shoulders with the horsey set without making a jackass out of yourself. The Jockeys Too small for jobs in the real world, too big to be leprechauns, jockeys are stuck in a permanent limbo. Locked in a cupboard under the sink from an early age, denied sunlight and food for much of their childhood, these poster boys for male anorexia are crucial for your chances of winning. But how can you tell a good jockey from an average one? First and foremost, try to identify the ones with a dull, soulless look to their eyes that suggests they’re more than willing to beat the hell out of an animal for the ﬁnancial beneﬁt of thousands of people they don’t know until they can next consume copious amounts of cocaine when the rest of us are allowed to eat actual food. Secondly, watch for a good thrusting style from the hips, that’s always a good thing to see, unless of course at that moment the jockey in question is on top of your girlfriend or mum.

This is what all jockeys look like up close

The Horses Do they know why they’re running? Is it fair to ask wild animals pumped full of varying degrees of drugs to run around for the entertainment of humans? Isn’t that what the Olympics are for? Whilst certain groups famously declare horse racing to be unbelievably cruel, there are those who argue it’s not cruel enough and all losing horses should end up on a post race barbeque. How do you know which nag to stick your ﬁfty cent each way on? The answer might be in the parade ring where the horses are marched in front of unemployed middle aged men who look like they’re just passing time until the child pornography websites of the world upload some new material. Bullshitters will insist they can pick up telltale signs about a horse’s likelihood of winning from its walk or behaviour, but for the vast majority of people, this is an opportunity to conﬁrm the horse they intend to back has a head and four legs. He won’t e There is a school of bettor who believe it’s good to see a horse laughing if taking a pre-race dump. The jury is very much out on this tactic, but he breaks either way, you can be sure that what ever the horses leave behind his leg. will turn up in a cheeseburger served from one of the many reputable food-poisoning vans at the meeting. 8

Spanner Sport

THE SPANNER

The Owners The snobbiest group you’re likely to encounter at the races. The owners are generally from families that sold their souls to Cromwell’s invading hordes centuries ago or later made their money from businesses that heap such cruelty on humankind as nuclear weapons, fossil fuels or the Irish Independent. At the height of the Celtic Tiger, owners were like Arts students – smug, superior and blissfully unaware of the future of incessant begging which lay ahead. These days, owners are as rare as phone calls to estate agents and many of them have ﬂed to Latin America under assumed identities.

Who says owning horses is only for the rich and frivolous

The Trainers The trainers methods were unorthodox, but you couldn’t argue with the results

Trainers are kind of like teachers, but without the commitment, which is really saying something. This group of people will gladly take vast sums of money off people in return for unspecific attempts at making an owners horse good enough to win. Often bearing an eerily similar appearance to the horses they keep, trainers really earn their crust when convincing a naïve owner that his horse finishing dead last and a couple of days behind the winner is a surefire sign that things are improving and as long as the owner continues to pay him several hundred euro a month, glory is inevitable. If eventually the horse does go on to achieve any degree of success, the trainer will skilfully step in to claim the vast majority of the credit, whilst if the horse ends up in your next tube of Pritstick, the horse was a talentless shit that never had any hope of a career other than carrying kids up and down the beach in Laytown.

The Bookies It’s hard to imagine Mr. Jameson or Mr. Silk Cut Purple being afforded the opportunity to pitch his brand of anti-social habit to a nation for free, but almost unnoticed, bookies have transformed gambling from a home-wrecking vice to something that’s perfectly acceptable and you’re weird if you don’t do it. What’s next? The marketing manager of Wife Beating Ireland getting a five minute slot on Off The Rails to laud the benefits of giving her a few slaps for having the audacity to wake up during sex? These bookies are generally the type of slightly cheeky but financially sound men that middle class mothers picture their daughters marrying when they turn the Rampant Rabbit all the way up to eleven. On the racecourse, these bookies are few and far between and more than likely you’ll be handing over your cash to a vaguely threatening man who’s considering pissing on you for handing him something less than a €100 note. If the tattered umbrella and wooden crates piled up don’t scream legitimate business, then never fear, there’s fuck all chance you’re going too see your money again. Just like a real financial institution.

Would you really trust this man with your money? 9

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Campus Politics

SU Candidates 2010 Yes indeed, ‘tis the season when the greasy pole climbers of the future do their best to out promise each other and rope their ‘mates’ into handing out leaﬂets and lollipops to the 10% of students who actually give a shit. It’s the SU elections and Enda Kenneally is here to help you with your choice...

The Marty Manifesto Well boy, give us your number one for UCC’s favourite son, the hoor from the Suir, Marty Kelly boy. Yes boss, ‘tis that time of the year again where the college’s minister for cool in the department of cute hoorism is on the campaign trail kissing babogs and shooting the shite with the farmers. Well kissing ﬁrst years and shooting the shite with Macra na Feirme. Politics, wha’?! That’s a turnip for the books. That one’s for free lads. Seriously boys, the role of ﬁrst man of the Student’s Union is important. It isn’t all junkets to Leitrim, complimentary cans of Koppaberg and riding around in taxis paid for by the Union, oh no ‘tis much, much more. The serious side of being campus representative is like running your legs into your arse in September for the hurling – ‘tis hard but worth it. So I issue a challenge to you, the voters: are ye drinking with me or behind me, like?! There are some who have called me ‘plain’. You know what they say, a pint of plain is your only man and I am the man that can. Marty Kelly for number one, boys. So what will I be doing with myself if I am elected President? I will have cultural shite to improve our minds, including Gaelic appreciation with plays about Brits, drunken husbands and Taytos. I have also been meeting with a trade delegation from W.I.T. and the import of ‘blahs’ is a serious prospect so we can look forward to our new world cuisine. Your number one for Marty Kelly and rememeber: are ye drinking with me or behind me, like?! 10

Campus Politics

THE SPANNER

The secret campaign diary of Saoirse Ni Louboutin aged 20 and ¾ 22.30pm - What little shits. I mean c’mon, those Afghanis get a very competitive supply of heroin - sourced locally – and it’s “ooh, my leg’s been blown off” and “ooh, my university is a star shaped crater”. It’s like Lidl opened up a heroin department store that even Daddy’s credit card couldn’t cover and when you bear that in mind, do human rights or a foreign occupying force matter? They certainly don’t get you high. Not like the Taliban anyway... not in the blow you up high kind of way, the drug dealer way. Anyway, we had that charity horse show and Reginald look positively handsome in his get up and he isn’t even part of the horsey set. He’s so sweet, after he robbed me of my virtue he paid for my abortion and a shopping spree in Harrod’s the next day. But to be fair, I deserve these little treats for caring about ugly people in far away countries. That’s why I should totally be Student Union President for, like, the year 2010/2011! You know, all this depressing shit is going on around the world and the planet and green ﬁnger gasses and all that. That’s even before you mention the quote unquote homeless people. SO WHAT WOULD I TOTALLY DO TO STOP THIS STUFF??? I would make it illegal to be poor and hungry and people would have to stop being poor and hungry. Why hasn’t Brian Cow thought of this? Ugly people are sooo unimaginative. I suggested this at the Fianna Fail and Fine Gael debate on campus and people looked at me funny but I think that’s because I had something in my teeth. Do I have something in my teeth now? I must remember to check my teeth when I am ﬁnished writing this. I can’t believe people say I get easily distracted, I am so focused. 22.50pm – All clear, I do not have anything in my teeth. So yay me, hope I get to be SU Pres!!! Night diary xoxoxoxox

THE SPANNER

Voice of the People

The Spanner – Voice of the people This month: Headshops – Should they all be banned and set alight or are they mad craic altogether? Michael, farmer (55)

pushing criminals, even if it isn’t actually illegal. I believe they should respect the laws of the country. And even if they do, if they’re being shifty we should punish them with arson. Righteous vigilante arson obviously, you know, the good kind.

not tax daddy, he’s already so depressed that he has to drive an 09 reg?

Sylvia, marketing executive (27)

Anto, unemployed (19) Head Shops? Bejaysis, there was none a dat in my day I can tell you. We had a few pints and raced tractors naked around the ﬁelds but sure every young lad has a bit of fun don’t they? Is it true you can buy pygmy heads in em?

Ted, shrill accountant (36)

These so called ‘head shops’ are a disgrace. How dare they sell substances that alter people’s perception and moods? Only pharmacists can do that. Speaking of which I better call in and collect my valium on the way to the pub.

Mary, housewife (46) If you ask me these head shop people are nothing but low life drug 12

I like shoes and musical theatre. Wait, what are we talking about?

Martin, homeless (32) Ah yeh de fuckin head shops are all righ and dat but dere not as good as de real deal man. Sure de boyez wouldn’t still be selling 10 spots if that spice craic was any use know worreye meeyan? he he...

SaraJane, Arts student (21)

Head shops cost me my job, my wife, my kids and my home. Oh wait no, that was my gambling addiction. It’s betting shops are the bad ones. Head shops are grand.

Brian, ultra marathon runner (35) Oh my gawd, it’s such a like hot topical issue isn’t it? Well I think it’s really sad that poor people can’t afford real cocaine and have to sniff bath salts instead. The government should do something about that. But

My feet hurt. Are you the devil?

DAILY BRAIN FOOD

THE IRISH TIMES SOAK IT UP

ON CA MPUS

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This year marks the 10th anniversary of Irelandâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s premier student event - The National Student Media Awards. They grow up so fastâ&#x20AC;Ś

The Smedias 2010 best and biggest

are set to be the awards yet, with the ceremony taking place at the Mansion House in Dublin on April 21. These prestigious awards highlight the brightest up and coming media talent in the country, and are judged and presented by media leaders.

high profile

National newspapers, broadcasters and brands are among the sponsors. 14

s a i d e sm 10th Anniversary

2010

This is the chance for aspiring media professionals around Ireland to be rewarded for their efforts, and to rub shoulders with the big hitters in their chosen field. With 33 different categories, encompassing writing and design for print and online, broadcasting, photography and new media, excellence in every form of student media is recognised. .iee n.i en ge xyg

.ox www.o the Check out t news on s te la e th for for all shortlists g in d lu c tion. Smedias, in et infor ma k c ti d n a awards

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Poetry Corner

Poetry Corner When they’re not busy invading the rest of Asia, eating raw ﬁsh or selling schoolgirl knickers from vending machines, the Japanese also do a handy line in poetry. The Haiku is a three line verse form where the ﬁrst line contains 3/5 syllables, the second 5/7 and the third 3/5 again. Send in your efforts to editor@oxygen.ie and we’ll print the best ones in the next issue of The Spanner. In the meantime here’s a few to get you started...

NAMA

Banks are bust so they’re giving them your money

Exams

Learn stuff off write it on paper then forget

Head Shops

Legal Highs They’ll ban them all soon The Bastards

The Luas

It’s free but Watch out for the c*nts in orange

Emigration

Why stay here Other countries have jobs and sunshine

College fashion Dyed blonde hair Fake tan and velour makes me yawn

Takeaways

Curry chips Food of the gods but not Chinese

The Weather

Wet and grey Why are you surprised It’s Ireland

Buckfast

Made by monks but it’ll get you in trouble

The Dole

No jobs left Thank god we still have free money

Beer Goggles

Ugly girls look more attractive when you’re pissed

RTE

Please stop now Your comedy shows Make me cry

Pensions

You can’t stop work till you drop stone cold dead

Property crash Your new house is worth the same as my old shed

Sky Sports

Why pretend every game is huge we’re not fooled

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THE SPANNER

Clubbing Guide

Meat Markets Continuing our national tour of the spots where you’re guaranteed to get something that rhymes with ‘pure coal’, and possibly ‘lerpes’, we’re down in Munster with our red jerseys and scoring shades on... Cork - Gorby’s This, my first year friends, is the place of your dreams. A sure fire shock to the system compared to Trad night down to local, this incredible establishment is what ‘boggers’ from counties without a university consider heaven. With vodka priced at €2.50 and €3 euro for a pint of flat Australian piss called Fosters, you’re sure to get wasted off of your grant money (or daddy’s money if you’re a commerce student). Don’t expect anything but wall to wall Lady GaGa, but as per all first fresher’s, that is sure to fill your eardrums with delight. It’s just €7 euro in on a Thursday night and if cheesy music and semi-naked girls and boys are to your taste then its money well spent. Once inside, you’ll see the amazing décor where there are no seats or tables upstairs due to an apparent refurbishment, while you’ll also be met by possibly the slowest cloakroom staff to be seen on Leeside. Just don’t give them more than €2 or they’ll be confused by having to give you change Don’t let that deter you though, because you’ll soon get your dancing boots on to the latest Now! CD and horse-faced looking creatures will soon be flocking around you looking for a score. If you’re still able to stand, a trip to the Grand Parade fountain and a breast and a bun from Hillbillies would cap off a mighty fine night in the big city. Honourable mentions: Cubins for the sort you don’t want to get mixed up with, Mangans for those who like sharp objects and Classic if you want to feel like a sardine in a tin. Alan Smith 18

I’m telling you man, tha’s my future wife you’re looking at

Limerick -The Trinity Rooms Limerick is known for being fair rough around the edges (and the middle and the core...) but The Trinity Rooms offer a getaway, an escape from the trials and tribulations of living in the Irish Harlem. You’ll pay a pretty penny to get in, but boy, is it worth it. If you want some visual stimulus, for Sligo, think The Velvet Rooms, for Dublin, think The Button Factory. Got the visual? Heaven... The greatest asset that The Trinity Rooms has is that it has the air of being a bit better than anywhere else in the city. This means that all the fresh meat in from the homesteads of Ma and Da will ﬂock towards this sacred site of worship. And with the Mary I Virgin Megastore just a hop and a skip away, this will be a major attraction to the rough and tumble of the resident rugby and hurling types of the county. RaRrrrr. The music at the rooms isn’t half bad, but you will be reminded of it about three thousand million times a day as your phone blinks with messages from ‘TRINITY RMS’. No, you’ll have no idea where they got your number but remember how enthusiastic you were during fresher’s week? With the amount of harassment you’ll get, you may start to understand how annoyed men get when women bombard them with texts and start to hate The Trinity Rooms before you even set foot inside! Oh dear. Jennifer Bannon

THE SPANNER

Xposed

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THE SPANNER

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THE SPANNER

Interview

Savaged

To say that comedian David McSavage is an acquired taste would be like pointing out that lap dancing clubs have yet to take off in Afghanistan. As in quite the understatement. Having originally made a name for himself as ‘The guy with the guitar who slags off passers by in Temple Bar’, the Dubliner’s occasionally vitriolic take on audience interaction seems to have made him the comedian everyone loves to hate. Having once witnessed him viciously harangue a woman at a show whose main crime seemed to be laughing loudly, The Spanner, along with many others, was under-

Interview Interview

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standably wary when hearing that McSavembryonic ideas that were dragged out too age had landed his own RTE comedy series long. There are supposed to be punch lines, on RTE – The Savage Eye. not vague conceptual lines. But damn it if it wasn’t the funniest thing “Republic of Telly is very poor. That’s not on Irish TV on years. A biting mockumenhis natural home, Delamere, acting stuff out. tary, satirising the Irish and their relationHe’s a guard, he’s a smart alec. The Panel is ship to sex, religion, property, the arts and what he’s good at, smart back answers and alcohol, the general response seems to have that kind of stuff. been “I didn’t want to like this but it’s actu“The least expensive part and most imally really good.” portant part of any comedy is writing. Then Check out such genius sketches as Searehearsing. I would never look to RTE for mus Heaney on his love of the word turf ‘I anything, they don’t owe me anything. So would love turf flavoured tea before you turf I was writing this thing before we got the me out’, a sean nos retelling of taxi driver green light. ‘Aroo talking to me?’ , patriots fighting the “If comedians are looking to RTE for help British armed only with rebel they’re f*cked. They should take songs, and a demure voice and be writ“Apparently it’s responsibility telling us that ‘The Irish are a ing stuff themselves. RTE is a great example of what happens platform that offers you the better to have when cousins have sex with to display what you people talking possibility cousins, producing a people can do. that hear voices in their heads. about you than “Also, because we’re living in McSavage told The Spanner such historical times, all these not talking of his satisfaction at the show’s horrible stories about the church reception, despite the prevailabout you.” and all these institutions, ing wisdom that RTE just can’t former pillars of the country do comedy. crumbling down, I don’t think “I was happy,” he said. “You anybody’s got a problem with want it to be received well, and I didn’t comedians satirising it. know how it was going to be received to be “There’s no shortage of material. So this honest with you. When the first one went idea of blaming RTE for not being more out and it started getting good reviews that pro-active, why not take responsibility for was great but we worked very hard on it. yourself? If you’re a comedian and you want “RTE have had such a bad track record to make a show, get a camera and editing with comedy that people automatically equipment and make it yourself, which is assume that whatever their comedy output what I did for the pilot of the Savage Eye.” is, it’s not going to be good. So we had that McSavage is quick to shrug off the public going against us. bile he’s suffered, particularly online, but “It also wasn’t publicised very well, not does acknowledge his apparent talent for many people saw it, it was up against The rubbing people up the wrong way. Apprentice and all that. But the people who “It’s not nice,” he admits. “Nobody wakes did see it, saw that there was something up in the morning and thinks ‘I want to good there I think. Hopefully if it gets rebe hated’. I think I have a small and vocal broadcast more people will see it and word group of hate fans. of mouth will spread. “It’s fair enough, it’s their opinion and apparently it’s better to have people talking RTE vs. comedy about you than not talking about you. Considering The Savage Eye was launched “I think it comes from years and years alongside the painfully unfunny Your Bad of street performing, and I’ve got into so Self and uninspiring Neil Delamere vehicle many scrapes and fights. More often than Republic of Telly, the ‘RTE don’t do comedy’ not it goes very well, but you know people’s verdict would seem to be fitting. feelings get hurt, and they haven’t resolved McSavage doesn’t rate those shows either it and so they have to have some way of but is adamant that Irish comedians need to venting it. come up with the goods themselves rather “People get carried away with the than just blaming the national broadcaster. anonymity of chat rooms and the internet “The first two episodes (of Your Bad Self) – ‘he’s a c*nt, he’s a f*cker I’m going to kill had a bit of promise and then it just disaphim, I’ll f*cking slice off his knee caps and peared, there was nothing,” he says. “It was 23

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Interview “RTE maybe do have a problem with second guessing how somebody down the country’s going to react, they’re afraid of what some people might think, but if you start compromising your views or opinions you’re f*cked and people will hate you even more. “If you have an extreme opinion, people will respect you. They might disagree with you and think you’re a c*nt but at least you’re brave enough to say it. Whereas if you compromise and you’re wimping out and you’re projecting a sense of propriety which a lot of people do here, ‘ah shure things are grand’ and meanwhile somebody’s being sexually assaulted or molested or raped doesn’t say anything about it because of the shame, how do you as a ‘satirist’ deal with that? How do we handle it? That’s the challenge? “That’s what interests me, Mario Rosenstock isn’t interested in that but you know why should he be? He does what he does. I think in comedy there’s a spectrum and we’d be in the darker area.” Mick ‘the Bull’ Daly: “Irish dancing is a martial art invented by the IRA“

slice him up with piano wire.’ And that same person has a wank two minutes later and eats dinner with his mom “Sometimes it gets out of hand. I realise as I get older that there are some career comedians and they have a persona, and they stick to it. With me, it’s just me, and it’s very raw. If I’m in the right frame of mind it goes very well and if not things can collapse on itself very quickly. “But in the absence of something funny to say, be charming - you don’t do yourself any favours by hurting somebody.”

Breaking Taboos Despite being a nation that prides itself on having a sense of humour, the Irish seem to prefer their comedy with two sugars, rather than bitter. While it’s easy to dismiss anything with bad language and shocking imagery as toilet humour, The Savage Eye exhibited a deliciously dark brand of satire more reminiscent of British classics such as Brass Eye. Understandably so, McSavage disagrees with the notion that the Irish don’t have the stomach for black comedy. “I don’t think so, I think they would if they were offered it they just haven’t been offered much,” he says. “I think Father Ted or Gift Grub, that’s just what they do, they don’t want to do anything darker. People like that but maybe there’s just not enough choice. 24

Live Show McSavage and some of his collaborators on The Savage Eye are taking to the stage at Vicar Street in April, though he says it won’t be a straight adapation of the TV show. “It’s going to be mainly stand up. There’ll be a few references to the savage eye and in the ﬁrst part of the show we’ll have some of the guys from The Savage Eye. There might be some new sketches and some video of new bits to give an indication of what’s coming up in the next series.” “If the second series did take off, I would like to do a full stage version of it but it would have to be as good as the TV show,” says McSavage. “It would have to be well written so it would probably take a good while to get it together. I wouldn’t like to just throw something together.” Planned topics for a second series include ‘Why are the Irish such natural criminals’ and a dissection of Irish political culture, which is bound to make David popular when he visits ministerial brother Barry Andrews for dinner. We’ll be waiting with interest.

The Spanner have ﬁve pairs of tickets to give away to “The Savage Eye Live“ at Vicar Street on April 16. To be in with a chance of winning, log on to www.oxygen.ie where you’ll ﬁnd the competition in our ‘Free Stuff’ section.

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TV Corner When we asked Jennifer Bannon for her thoughts on ‘The All Ireland Talent Show’ she replied ‘It’s so bad, I wish I was English’. With views that extreme we just had to give her a column... The. Lines. Are. Open..... pauseeeeeeeee......... NOW. Did you ever just wish you could put Gráinne Seoige on mute and admire her pretty dresses and amazing hair without the tedious painful reality that is Irish car crash TV? Yes, my friends, like it or hate it, it is that time of year again, the time when all that is evil and cruel and embarrassing about Irish reality TV is brought right into our living rooms every Sunday night without fail. We all know what we are getting ourselves for, it’s the same every time, it’s the reason SIX failed within months, the reason Fair City has less talent than a playpen and the reason that we all cringe when a new Irish actor is ‘discovered’. And yet, every TV in the nation is, without fail, tuned to RTÉ on a Sunday evening for the weekly dose of self ﬂagellation. The All Ireland Talent Show is so bad it’s not even funny enough to be good. The judges make The X Factor opinionated nobodies look like the wise men and their blatant ignorance on the meaning of talent is almost comical. Almost. And don’t even get me started on the over the top attempts to appear ever so gaeilgoiric ... Blathhhhh negdeeee Nee Huffff Eff. OK, thanks for that little lesson in blás, that might distract people from the fact that you don’t know the difference between talent and a seven year old with pigtails who just happens to coordinate her socks to her hair bow. Maith thú a mholtoirí. Another thing you have to love about the 26

show is how much time the judges spend talking about their acts and staring into the cameras... while the acts are on the stage! The dedication to ﬁnding a star is clearly genuine, so genuine that the judges can’t shut their mouths long enough to actually pay attention to the task at hand. Ara, but shir, it’s grand, Gráinne is getting handy at telling us what is coming up after the break... and reminding us of it after the break. And if they are really stuck, she might give them a quickie catch up during the break. Deadly. My personal favourite thing about the show is how small and insigniﬁcant they manage to make everything look. Ever notice how on The X Factor, everything looks perfect? Not so for The All Ireland Talent Show, if you look hard enough, you can see everything from spots, to torn tights to bored backstage staff on Facebook scrolling statuses about how shit it is. Once, I even saw tumbleweed. It’s like The Wizard of Oz, but they don’t even try to convince us that there’s anything behind the man. Sure, we’re Irish. Easier to please than Tiger Woods. And we all know how easy that is. But there are some positives. It does give us some comic relief. What with the country in such a serious state of turmoil that even the politicians are deciding the pay isn’t worth our moaning and the word NAMA being shortlisted for the Oxford dictionary, it’s nice to have something other than Cheryl Cole’s ‘If i keep smiling love life to laugh then surely someabout. It’s just a pity one will rescue me that one of them is and offer a decent going to walk away presenting gig’ , with 50 grand that thought Grainne could be used to deport John Creedon back to wherever he came from. Painful stuff indeed. Jennifer Bannon

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Some of the funniest recent web pics rounded up for your enjoyment

That’s an unfortunate colour for a saddle

Fuck it, what have I got to lose?

De skanger snowman

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Funnies / Contents Editorial

Funnies Top 10 - Cheating sportsmen jokes

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Wayne Bridge sent his ex-wife a replica of his cock moulded from Cadbury’s Chocolate. She said she preferred Terry’s. I heard Ashley Cole cheated on Cheryl because she mimed her orgasms. What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops at three Hos! Ashley Cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50mph zone. When questioned by police as to why he was speeding he said, “I’ve just heard John Terry is parked outside my house.” What have Wayne Bridge’s missus and a Russian goalpost have in common? They have both been banged by John Terry. What does your average man have in common with Ashley Cole? They’ll both be wanking over pictures of Cheryl in the oncoming months.

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With all these companies dropping Tiger Woods, I am becoming more and more proud of Kelloggs for sticking by him. Chris Tarrant asks Wayne Bridge, “For £64,000, what is the colour of Vanessa Perroncel’s pubic hair? Is it, A - Brown, B - Black, C - Blonde or D – Ginger.” Wayne replies, “Can I phone a friend?”

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Fabio Capello phoned Wayne Bridge and said, “I’ve just spoken to JT and he’s lost the captain’s armband. Do me a favour and have a good look under your bed for me.” I just asked my girlfriend the big question! She said no, she’s never slept with Tiger Woods

For a new joke every day, see www.oxygen.ie or The Spanner Facebook page!

Wheel Spinning Hamster Dead

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