The Transmitter Issue 30

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A SOUTH EAST LONDON MAGAZINE www.thetransmitter.co.uk

ISSUE 30 Winter 2013

FeelsLike Heaven

YOUR 72-PAGE BUMPER XMAS ISSUE

BOOKS • CYCLING • FASHION • FOOD • GARDENING • MUSIC • NEWS

WELCOME to the Christmas issue ...

Seraphim Andy Pontin Cherubim Annette Prosser Simon Sharville Ophanim Kathryn Corlett Karin Dahlbacka Archangels Nicolai Amter James Balston Gary Congress Louise Haywood-Schiefer Connie May Angels Gemma Banks Justine Crow Mike Fairbrass Ali Howard Jonathan Main Howard Male Claudine Nightingale Annabel Sidney Rachel De Thample Bob Townley Michael Wagg Sue Williams

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rystal Palace has come a long way since we introduced our Poshometer trademark (patent pending) way back in issue 4.

In them days we were watching like hawks for the green shoots of poshness breaking through on the Triangle.

These days you can’t move for posh pub grub and well-dressed folk so we are now retiring the Poshometer – it’s like waving a Geiger counter at a Japanese nuclear power plant. And the specific condition we set for the retirement of the Poshometer has now officially been met: that Mark Steel could no longer bear to even look through the windows of half the independent businesses on the Triangle. We have been informed, via our sister publication Absolutely Estate Agents, that this is now the case.

But don’t despair, there will still be metering fun, folks! We have just this week applied for a patent for our new device, the Vomometer, you can see our beta test results on page 9.

And of course, there’s more. Lots more in fact because we have added an extra EIGHT pages of gratuitous nonsense to celebrate the season: battling boulangers on page 18; our annual spooky story on page 24; more of our heavenly harpists on page 28; a dozen men in jackets on page 38; and the bookseller and his missus going out to eat in some odd places on page 44.

And don’t miss our beautiful cut-out angel who belongs on your tree (she is waiting on the inside back cover).

Mucho informationi too on what’s occurring around and about these parts throughout December.

This issue’s twin themes are Food and Pseudo-religious Iconography.

Don’t pull that face, it’s Christmas …

Virtues Buxton Press Dominions Transmission Publications PO Box 53556, London SE19 2TL www.thetransmitter.co.uk editor@thetransmitter.co.uk 07530 450925 @thetransmitter Cover 4 Girls 4 Harps Photo: Andy Pontin

Disclaimer The views expressed by contributors are theirs alone and do not necessarily reflect this magazine’s editorial policy or the views of any employee of Transmission Publications. So there.

Contents Features

12 WHY SHOP LOCAL Keep the boat afloat 14 CHRISTMAS SHOPPING Triangular gifts 18 THE FABULOUS BAKER BOYS Who’s best? There’s only one way to find out. FIGHT! 24 JUST DESSERTS Our seasonal spooky story

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28 4 GIRLS 4 HARPS Heavenly fingers softly caress... sorry... got carried away there 34 A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS Festive fun at the Westow 38 THE NEXT SUPPER Our Da Vinci inspired Easter(?) shoot 44 LIDOS WHO LUNCH Unusual places to grab a bite 51 SOUFF LONDON FEARTA Local treasure wins funding

Regulars FOOD 48 Rachel get cheesy for Christmas

62 REVIEW New music from two of our fave bands

GARDENING 54 Colour in a cold climate

72 PUBLISH AND BE DAMNED Part 3 of Howard’s way on to David Bowie’s (next) reading list

CYCLING 56 Hand built at Blue Door

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MUSIC 58 Our antidote to an X-Factor X-Mas BOOKS 60 Essential Palace history THE [UN]FUNNIES 64 Mystic Mike goes dp, the fossils have Christmas lunch and other hilarious bits & pieces WHAT’S ON 68 One or two ideas for festive outings

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ChristmasSpirit CHURCH SERVICES TO CALM, CHEER AND OFFER A BRIEF MOMENT FOR REFLECTION AMID THE CHRISTMAS CHAOS All Saints

Christ Church

Beulah Hill, Upper Norwood SE19

1 Highland Road, Gipsy Hill SE19 1DP

Christmas Carol Service Sunday 22 December 6.30pm

Churches Together in Upper Norwood Carol Service Sunday 8 December 8pm

Carols by Candlelight with Blessing of the Crib A service for children and families Christmas Eve 6pm

Carol Service Sunday 15 December 8pm

Midnight Mass Christmas Eve 11.30pm

Christingle Service Sunday 22 December 5pm (preceded by Children’s Crafts at 4pm)

Sung Eucharist with Carols Christmas Day 10am

Children’s Nativity followed by party tea Christmas Eve 4pm Children’s Nativity

St John The Evangelist

Midnight Communion Christmas Eve 11.15pm

Auckland Road, Upper Norwood Children’s Christmas Workshop Saturday 21 December 10am-2pm in the Parish Hall The Parish Christmas Carol Service by Candlelight Sunday 22 December 6pm Crib Service with a retiring collection for the Children’s Society Christmas Eve 4pm

Holy Communion for Christmas Day Christmas Day 10.30am

St Stephens College Road, Dulwich SE21 7HN Service of Lessons & Carols Sunday 22 December 6pm Crib Service Christmas Eve 4pm

Midnight Mass & Blessing of the Crib Christmas Eve 11.30pm

Midnight Mass Christmas Eve 11pm

Family High Mass Christmas Day 10am

Parish Eucharist Christmas Day 10am

St Luke’s Knight’s Hill, West Norwood SE27 0HS Carols, Christingles & Crib Sunday 15 December 6.30pm Holy Communion Christmas Eve 11.30pm Holy Communion Christmas Day 10am

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Upper Norwood Methodist Church Westow Hill SE19 1TQ (next to Iceland) Carol Service Sunday 15 December 6.30pm Christmas Day Service Christmas Day 10.30am

ChristmasSpirits CRYSTAL PALACE AIN’T SHORT OF WATERING HOLES. WHETHER YOU WANT A LIVE BAND, DELICIOUS LUNCH OR A CRAFT BEER, YOU’LL FIND IT HERE THIS XMAS SAYS GEMMA BANKS The Alma

The Grape & Grain

95 Church Road SE19 2TA www.thealmapub.com

2 Anerley Hill SE19 2AA www.thegrapeandgrainse19.co.uk

New Year’s Eve Free entry Bookings are being taken for tables (quick!) and the kitchen is open throughout. Open til 3am

Christmas Eve Free entry For a more gentle start to the Christmas proceedings, the resident Jazz Band at The Grape & Grain will keep you entertained until their 12am closing time

Beer Rebellion

New Year’s Eve The Paul Partridge Quiz Extravaganza & Disco returns to The Grape & Grain for a New Year’s Eve special.

Hosted by the gregarious Partridge you will enjoy five rounds of trivia followed by a delightfully eclectic mix of music to help you see in 2014. Charge to enter quiz applies. Arrive early to avoid disappointment.

Closing time 1am

Gipsy Hill SE19 (opp Gipsy Hill station) www.lateknightsbrewery.co.uk DATE TBC! This fab pop-up are hosting one of their immensely popular Open Brew sessions in December. View the whole brew process on their special sized brew kit and get to taste what they have on tap. The bar takes around 50 people only so arrive early … keep an eye on their twitter/blog for details

Gipsy Hill Tavern 79 Gipsy Hill Road SE19 1QH www.facebook.com/GipsyHillTavern/events Christmas at the Gipsy Hill Tavern is filled with live music and late nights: choose your weekend!

Saturday 7 December Free entry 9pm til late Six-piece London band The Severed Limb bring their unique ‘roots’ style sound to SE19. Expect a toe-tapping skiffle-style line up with double bass, accordion & washboard Saturday 14 December Free entry 9pm til late Cool covers bands The Lettuceheads will pack the dance floor with pop, dance and rock covers from the last four decades, followed by Celtic Crunch with their wonderful Irish Trad Folk in a late night set Saturday 21 December Free entry 9.30pm til late For the Christmas Party Special the Tavern will be filled with the sounds of The Beatnicked. Rock classics, modern day hits and great guitar sounds will rock the party!

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The Paxton 255 Gipsy Road, SE27 9QY www.thepaxtongipsyhill.com New Year’s Eve Free entry The Paxton will be hosting a New Year knees-up with DJs playing until 3am, and the kitchen open as usual until 10pm. And with no charge on the door it’s a winner!

Westow House 79 Westow Hill, SE19 1TX www.westowhouse.com There’s lots going on! Turn to page 34 to find out more!

White Hart 96 Church Road, SE19 2EZ www.thewhitehartse19.co.uk The White Hart has Christmas dining all wrapped up.

Festive dinners for groups start at £19 for two courses, party buffets from a bargainous £9 per head and they are even offering an opulent Christmas Day Dinner from £55 per head for those who don’t want to slave over a hot stove all day!

Trading Places NEW BUSINESSES! LOVE LOCAL, PEOPLE!

WINTER WARMERS

For the still uninitiated, Yogusensi on Church Road isn’t all about frozen yoghurt. Yes that delicious part of their menu will remain, but during the coming ‘cooler’ months we’re promised some comforting treats to cosy us on our way. Nutritious ciabatta toasties featuring combos such as creamy goats cheese with Dijon mustard, apple, beetroot, coriander & pepper or soft ricotta with mint, banana, honey and red chilli jelly look set to blow our socks off. But we’re mostly looking forward to the guiltfree coconut rice pudding with a pistachio & freshly cut fruit topping: hot, creamy, scented and satisfying says owner Keith. To complete your festive shopping experience on the Triangle you may like to consider treating yourself to a very seasonalsounding Yogusensi hot chocolate.

Rich, intense, dark and bitter (made with 70% fairtrade cocoa) and garnished with brazil nuts and orange zest, it will surely help to bring a bit of good cheer to all. And for those planning a big festive night or two in any of the Crystal Palace public houses, a Yogusensi ‘great rehydrator’ Hangover Helper juice – watermelon, kiwi fruit, lime, pink grapefruit, pineapple & strawberries – could be the most useful Christmas gift of all.

Yogusensi 93 Church Road SE19

MASSAGE IN A BOTTLE

Well known to many local mums for her pregnancy massage, baby massage classes and weaning talks, Crystal Palace nutrition and massage therapist Jayne Russell has created Nom Nom, a mum and baby organic skincare range fully certified by the Soil Association. Her unfragranced baby products are gentle enough for the youngest infant whilst women with sensitive skin will be pleased to know the products will suit them too.

The deliciously-scented pregnancy collection offers support through each trimester, helping you to stretch, relax and prepare for the birth. The baby range comprises three products including a baby oil with starflower to use for massage and to soothe cradle cap.

You’ll be able to meet up with Jayne herself at a special Mum & Baby Day on Thursday 5 December when Training Points Fitness Studio on Church Road hosts a special one-day event to celebrate Nom Nom’s launch and to promote its own pre- and post-natal exercise classes. Anyone can drop in between 11am-3pm for free taster sessions and information about pregnancy and massage, as well as lovely on-the-day discounts. Naturally there’ll be tea and cake, and – countdown to Christmas klaxon – gift vouchers and cute sets presented in handmade organic cotton bags will also be on sale.

Mum & Baby Day Thursday 5 December 11am-3pm www.trainingpoints.co.uk www.nomnomskincare.com

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MOTHER CHRISTMAS AT THE MARKET

WINE UNDER THE HAMMER If you’re wondering where you might procure your festive vino this year, a trip to Rosebery’s in West Norwood may well be worth a look. Their next auction (at 10am on Tuesday 10 and Wednesday 11 December) features wine and whisky lots, along with the usual art, collectibles and antique furniture. It’s an interesting way to buy, as usually the range is greater than in a retail outlet, and don’t be surprised if it’s actually more affordable; mixed lots present a perfect opportunity to try a selection of wines too. Most wine lots are in cases of six, but some rare and unusual single bottles are also up for grabs. Ports, dessert wines and some spirits will be dispatched via the gavel, and don’t forget a warming single malt whisky in the evening will really hit the spot after a Boxing Day with the in-laws.

It’ll be beginning to look a lot like Christmas at the CP Food Market very soon. Three seasonal markets are planned in December and many regular stallholders will have additional festive goodies on offer. Jacob’s Ladder will be taking orders for turkeys & geese (quick!) and veg stall Perry Court will be bringing trees along too. Check out the market website for more details, like how you can order Mootown cheese hampers online to pick up at the market. The cake stalls will be taking advance orders too (look out for Owl Kitchen and their gluten-free Christmas treats), and the Patchwork Farm stall will continue to tempt us with their fantastic chutneys (created from the previous week’s unsold fruits). The Handmade Palace stall, added to the mix in October, will provide an opportunity to browse festive gifts too.

On 14 December things get awfully exciting (especially if you’re under 5). There’ll be a Christmas Waggle & Hum (10.30-11am) and lovely librarian Fiona has also arranged for Mother Christmas to be in Santa’s Grotto in Antenna studios (for children 6 months-4 years) from 11.30am12.30pm and 1.30-2.30pm. The Crystal Palace Youth Orchestra will also be serenading on site. Older children (aged 5-9) can look forward to Jelly Bean Jake’s Christmas Club on 21 December (12-1pm) where there’ll be puppets, games & music with Caroline Sargeant.

Throughout the month Georgie will have mulled wine and hot chocolate with rum at Café Thing and, you never know, there might even be a faint aroma of chestnuts roasting on an open fire floating irresistibly through the crisp Crystal Palace air.

Saturdays 7, 14 & 21 December (closed 28 Dec) www.crystalpalacefoodmarket.co.uk CP Food Market are currently looking for people to run regular children’s activities. Interested? Get in touch at marketing@crystalpalacemarket.co.uk

Rosebery’s Auction House 74-76 Knights Hill, West Norwood SE27 0JD www.roseberys.co.uk

WORD ON THE STREET There does seem to be a whole lotta moving & shaking going on in SE19 at the mo. It seems that Casa Cuba was only open for five minutes before one day closing the door on its incarnation as a café/bar in order to refurb and metamorphose into a brand 8

spanking new fully-fledged Cuban restaurant. We’ll be spoilt for Cuban choice as new restaurant The Havana House (on t’other side of the Triangle) opened at the end of October. Sadly Team Transmitter couldn’t make their opening night, but they had a ball manager Donatas Mecuis and owners Lesley Payne and Justin Wallace (pictured) tell us, thanks to live music from 3-piece band Los Soneros and some splendid Latin dancing.

Poodle skirts at the ready too, as American-style Antenna Diner in Westow Hill will soon be serving up its first biodynamic burger and organic ice-cream shake.

A welcome addition to our group of antique and modern housewares emporia in Church Road is also on its way. Replacing the former offy, a furniture restorer is due to set up shop. The Bambino strip has reinvented itself over the last few years and is fast becoming a favourite location for those extra cool Londoners searching for that perfect item for their extra cool home.

Oh, and apparently there’s a new estate agent on the block too, right?

RIALTO REALITY?

ATHEISTS FIGHT BACK (WITH GUITARS)

Four years ago a public meeting was held at the Queen’s Hotel for the Picture Palace Campaign. Respect to Annabel and her team for continuing to fight for the return of a cinema to SE19: their tenacity leaves us feeling … well, quite emotional. Bringing Bromley Council round to the idea that there has been a ‘material change of use’ at 25 Church Road (once a Rialto cinema) by current residents the KICC, is a slow, challenging mission, but the campaign is inching along in the right direction. In October the team met with the Planning Committee making a case for the Council to now take ‘enforcement action’.

Despite debate the motion was defeated as anticipated; the good news is that the Planning Enforcement Officer’s recommendation is to continue ‘closely monitoring’ to ensure that activities continue to fall within Class D2.

The campaign is in the process of forming a not-for profit company – Cinema for Crystal Palace Ltd – and intends to nominate the site for listing by the Council as ‘an asset of community value’ under the Localism Act. Join in the fight and find out more on Saturday 30 November at the campaign stall outside Sainsbury’s.

Live better, help often, wonder more. This is the motto of the Sunday Assembly, a ‘congregation’ that celebrates life. Set up by comedians Sanderson Jones and Pippa Evans, Sunday Assembly has become an international phenomenon, tapping into a grassroots desire to commune without religion. One specific vision is to set up a godless congregation in every town, city and village that wants one; as it says on their website it’s all about having fun, being nice and joining in.

As part of the global 40-date tour, local resident Elliot Russo has set up an Assembly for Crystal Palace at the Phoenix Community Centre at 11am on (bizarrely) Saturday 30 November. It’s a free event (though tickets must be booked) and features speakers from the British Humanist Association and the Transition Town movement. There’ll be rousing singing too. Elliot hopes it will become a regular monthly event in SE19: if you’re interested in helping to make this happen get in touch at russo.elliot@gmail.com

www.facebook.com/picturepalacecampaign

Tickets available at www.sundayassemblycrystalpalace-eac2.eventbrite.co.uk www.sundayassembly.com

INTRODUCING THE TRANSMITTER VOMOMETER

NOT GONE WRONG YET

We heard that someone was proposing a development in Crystal Palace Park and was looking for feedback. Here is ours:

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GARDENING LEAVE CAPEL MANOR HAS MUCH TO OFFER WHETHER YOU’RE A TEEN STARTING OUT OR A FULLY-FLEDGED GROWN-UP LOOKING FOR A CHANGE OF CAREER raining at Capel Manor College can lead to a range of hands-on, flexible and rewarding careers, with qualifications geared to finding work (or self-employment) as a gardener, florist, tree-surgeon or garden designer.

The college began as a horticultural training institution back in 1968 in North London, but opportunities are now within reach of anyone living within Greater London who has a passion for the great outdoors. There are five centres – catering for the North, South, East and West – and a central London location too at Regent’s Park.

The South London college is located within Crystal Palace Park, just a few minutes’ walk from Crystal Palace train station. It is also home to Crystal Palace Park Farm, open to the public 300 days a year. Capel Manor students have access to the park’s grounds for practical training in horticulture and arboriculture.

Garden design has recently been added to the subjects on offer. This creative subject attracts a wide range of people: career changers, parents seeking a more flexible job or students with related backgrounds such as interior designers, along with landscape architects and gardeners wanting to turn their passion into a career.

Former journalist and editor – and ex-student of Capel Manor – John Gilbert joined the college as Head

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of School for Garden Design and Plantsmanship back in August. The owner of a well-established garden design business, he is looking forward to bringing his experience of working in the industry to bear on what the college is offering students today.

‘A career in garden design is for people who want to combine an artistic flair with a love of plants and an interest in green spaces’, he says. ‘Because it straddles both arts and sciences, sound knowledge of horticulture is needed.’

‘Most students explore design as a career but not all. Other avenues exist including working for the RHS and Kew in garden and administrative positions. Good plant knowledge and design skills also see students secure jobs with bodies including the National Trust and in prominent gardens around the country. Some go on to become garden writers or do degrees in related subjects such as landscape architecture.’

‘Many of our students want to be their own boss and they enjoy both the creative process of designing and also the challenge of implementing a design. All are passionate about plants.’

For information on everything Capel Manor can offer go to www.capel.ac.uk 11

SHOP Local

Why

SUPPORTING OUR SHOPS BUILDS COMMUNITY AND STRENGTHENS THE LOCAL ECONOMY SAYS ANNABEL SIDNEY, CHAIR OF THE PICTURE PALACE CAMPAIGN

ecember sees the launch of Crystal Palace Transition Town’s Local and Fair Guide to Shopping and Eating in Crystal Palace.

More than a local directory it celebrates the myriad shops, artisan workshops, pubs, bars, markets and fabulous eateries we have in and around our ‘magic’ Triangle, and is a guide to a more ethical and sustainable approach to shopping.

Walk around the area and you don’t see your typical high street: apart from a handful of national retailers, you’ll find mostly small and medium-sized businesses (SMBs). Crystal Palace could almost be the model for what small towns are trying to achieve in other parts of the country. Perhaps we should invite Mary Portas for a visit?

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WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF SHOPPING LOCALLY? Economic benefits SMBs are essential to a strong national economy, accounting for 58% of the jobs in the private sector.

The success of local businesses attracts further entrepreneurs, leading to more jobs and revenue circulating throughout the community. ‘When you spend money in a large chain outlet’ says Simon Woolf, a director of the Brixton Pound, ‘that money isn’t worth very much to the local community because it doesn’t stay local.’ For every pound that we spend in chains or supermarkets, 85p immediately leaves the area, ending up as shareholder profits and servicing the inflated costs of the head office and long supply chains. It’s a costly and hugely inefficient system. Most big chains 12

don’t source locally either. As Woolf says: ‘It’s a bit like a leaky bucket, we pour money in and it just leaks out.’

Compare that to what happens when you spend in a locally-owned independent: 70-80% of your money stays in the area because the business owner and their staff are much more likely to source services and supplies on a local basis and to shop locally themselves. Every £1 spent with a local supplier is worth £1.76 to the local economy, but only 36 pence if it is spent out of the area. That makes £1 spent locally worth nearly FIVE times more to the community. It’s called the Local Multiplier Effect.

A mutually rewarding experience Without doubt, supporting your local shops helps to form strong relationships and build a strong community.

The Picture Palace Campaign, Upper Norwood Library Campaign and other not-for-profit community initiatives such as the Crystal Palace Overground Festival have all benefited from local business support.

We have a number of fantastic local pubs, bars and cafés (not all independents) which not only employ local people – as well as tending to source locally or support microbreweries – but also showcase our talented local musicians, artists and performers.

Choice is important too. The Local and Fair Guide to Shopping and Eating in Crystal Palace shows a cornucopia of local shops, bars and restaurants that stock products that are locally grown, designed or made; sustainably sourced; recycled; fairly traded; organic; free-range. We would encourage more local shops to source in this way, but ultimately it is down to

PHOTOS BY JAMES BALSTON WWW.THETRIANGLESE19.BLOGSPOT.CO.UK

us: the more we request such an approach, the more likely our businesses will respond.

In the spring a group of local residents launched the Crystal Palace Food Market, a not-for-profit Transition Town initiative. The market not only provides an alternative to supermarket shopping, offering fairly-priced sustainable produce and locally-sourced prepared food, it also brings people into the area and is a community family-friendly event where you can meet people and catch up with what is going on.

In October our very own Good Taste Food and Drink was runner up in the Best Independent Retailer category in the Observer Food Monthly Awards 2013. It is fantastic recognition, not only for cheese- and beer-mad Manish Utton-Mishra – who has ‘charmed us with his knowledge and passion’ as one local tweeted – but for all our unsung heroes trading day in, day out on the Triangle.

We are very lucky to have such a mix of shops and our local businesses deserve our support. Most are run by local people committed to staying in the area and raising their families here. They have chosen to put down roots in Crystal Palace because they see and experience qualities that reflect their own personal and social values. They are passionate about what they do, have great product knowledge, provide a personal service and often stock locally-made and unique products. Shopping locally is more enjoyable, good value for money and convenient. You discover things and meet interesting people: great places are created by the people who live and work in them. A sense of community is forged and further gains are made, such as traders’ support for local causes. It is mutually rewarding.

By shopping locally, we show pride in our area and we help sustain and protect the vitality and variety that make Crystal Palace such a distinctive place – a place that we all love.

As one trader recently tweeted ‘Thanks to everybody who came this evening. It wouldn’t be the same without you. But you wouldn’t be there without us. So we’re quits right?’

The Crystal Palace Transition Town’s Local and Fair Guide to Shopping and Eating in Crystal Palace will be available on the Triangle on Small Business Saturday (7 December), a day to champion, celebrate and support the UK’s 4.8 million small businesses, which employ 14.1 million of our private sector workforce and turn over £1,600 BILLION a year. www.crystalpalacetransition.org www.facebook.com/CrystalPalaceTransitionTown www.twitter.com @CrystalPalaceTT Green Drinks at The Grape & Grain every second Wednesday of the month Saturday 30 November The Picture Palace Campaign team will be outside Sainsbury’s: catch up with all the latest news on the Campaign to bring a Cinema to Crystal Palace. www.picture-palace.org www.facebook.com/PicturePalaceCampaign (return a cinema to Crystal Palace) www.twitter.com @picturepalace 13

Silicone cat ice or chocolate mould £6.50 Glitter & Twisted

Bicycle bell £5.99 Blue Door Bicycles

Flower power felt bag £28 Coconut Trading

Rococo chocs £22.50 Smash Bang Wallop

TRANSMITTER

Handmade pin cushion £4.50 Brave Girl Gifts

We celebrate this 30th issue of The Transmitter with 30 fandabbidosy xmas gifts you can find on the Triangle.

For giving or receiving, it’s up to you. Love local? Shop local!

u u u u

Blue Door Bicycles 020 8670 9767 Brave Girl Gifts 07460 233060 Coconut Trading 020 8771 0700 Glitter & Twisted 020 8771 9493 Good Taste Food & Drink 020 8761 7455 Pagagaio 020 8653 1070 020 8768 5166 Piast Polish Delicatessen Secret Garden 020 8771 8200 Simon Carter 020 8768 1457 Smash Bang Wallop 020 8771 5517 South of the River 020 8653 1669 Vintagehart 07949 552926

u

u u

Compagnie de Provence toiletries from £7.50 Smash Bang Wallop

u

u

u

u u

Golfer cufflinks £6 Brave Girl Gifts

Icing sugar shaker £7.99 South of the River

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Owl bauble £4.50 Glitter & Twisted

Couers à la rose £1.95 each Banon £3.50 Good Taste Food & Drink

Mouse cheese knife £8.50 Glitter & Twisted

Crystal guitar cufflinks £50 Simon Carter

Scrabble ring £4 Brave Girl Gifts

Wooden racing cars 2 for £6 Papagaio

Silk bowtie £35 Simon Carter

Goodordering handlebar pannier £32 Blue Door Bicycles

Orla Kiely sugar bowl £21 South of the River

Daisygrubber & trowel £6.99 each Secret Garden Mini Panettone £1.65 Piast

Mini notebooks £6.99 South of the River

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Alex Monroe gold bumble bee necklace £150, (silver £126) Smash Bang Wallop

From the gourmet wooden kitchen £18.99 (complete set) Papagaio

Rodology cufflinks £30 Brave Girl Gifts

West German silver mesh bag £42 Vintagehart

Brie baker £16.99 Smash Bang Wallop

Glass tealight holders from £4.95 Smash Bang Wallop

Wooden animal alphabet letters £1.60 each Papagaio

CP Subway T-shirt £18 Smash Bang Wallop

Tardis tin £12.50 Glitter & Twisted

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Rob Ryan eggcup set £17.99 South of the River

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PHOTOS BY LOUISE HAYWOOD-SCHIEFER

Ali Howard persuades our breadlovers to dust the flour off their hands and sit down for a chat

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n case you haven’t noticed, London’s bakeries have come a long way since the sorry days of fly-ridden window displays filled with unappealing iced fingers.

The emergence of speciality bread-makers and creative cake connoisseurs has put paid to lazy baking, upping the ante a thousand fold with something altogether more enticing.

Delectable sourdoughs, fine pastries and organic, homemade bakes are the treats of choice for many a discerning cupcake-savvy client, fuelling the rise and rise (pun fully intended) of the artisan baker. Three such establishments, baking up a storm in Crystal Palace with their scrumptious wares, are Brett & Bailey, Demi Pastisser and Blackbird Bakery – a refreshingly male-dominated bunch who aren’t afraid to don a pinny and unsheathe that rolling pin: the fabulous baker boys, if you will.

Dawes Cambridge Mixte bike £349.99 Blue Door Bikes

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SPRING

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Joe Brett and Matt Bailey describe themselves simply as a couple of lads who love to bake. ‘We’d been baking cakes for friends and colleagues for years – several people told us that we should start trying to sell what we made. Of course, initially we thought they were just being kind, but we ended up being so excited by the idea that we knew we had to make it happen. It was just a case of waiting for the right opportunity.’

That opportunity came a year ago when the boys were given their first ever pitch selling Christmas goodies at The Alma’s winter market. This led to Brett & Bailey supplying Café Thing and they now have a regular pitch at Crystal Palace Food Market on the second and fifth Saturdays of the month. Both local residents, Crystal Palace seemed the obvious choice to set up business for Joe and Matt: ‘We love the atmosphere and community

vibe. And our feelings about the area were proved right – the amount of support and goodwill we’ve received from perfect strangers has been absolutely overwhelming.

We now really feel like we’re part of the community we love. Maybe that’s something you’d struggle to find elsewhere in London.’

Their pièce de résistance is a chocolate Guinness cake, with their devilishly tempting brownies a close second. ‘They’re both contemporary takes on comforting classics.’

Joe explains. ‘It would appear that SE19 has more than its fair share of chocoholics!’

Demi Pastisser comprises Demi Garcia Sabat and husband and wife team Veryan and Colin Wilkie-Jones; you can catch them at the Crystal Palace Food Market on the first, third and fifth Saturdays of the month, and at the Horniman Farmers’ Market on the fourth Saturday of the month.

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Eamonn Sweeney Blackbird Bakery

The creative force behind their Catalan-style cakes and bakes, Demi has baking in his blood. His grandfather, Jaume Sabat, was a famous pastry chef who, in 1951, set up a patisserie in Barcelona which went on to become a high-end chain.

Veryan explains ‘Sabat then founded the first Spanish catering college for patisserie in Barcelona in the 60s and was known as ‘el maestro de los maestros’ (the master of the masters). He was a truly inspirational man. There is even a street named after him in Barcelona!’

With such a solid background in artisan baking, it’s no wonder Demi Pastisser offer some of the finest treats you’re likely to find locally, and all with a distinctively Catalonian edge. ‘Our signature cake is our chocolate bomba gateau, which translates as “bomb”’, Veryan teases, ‘with layers of delicate vanilla sponge, dark chocolate ganache, and a chocolate glaze.’ But it’s not only about to-die-for desserts. ‘In terms of bread, both the halloumi & mint and olive & thyme loaves fly off the stall and our Double Trouble loaf – a blend of organic rye, wholemeal and white flours made with two different sourdough starters – is also very popular.’

Another local whose business was built on sourdough is Eamonn Sweeney, who in 2001 founded Blackbird Bakery – now a successful small chain with one of his four (soon to be five) outlets on the Triangle’s Westow Street. Having started life in an industrial unit in Herne Hill, making cakes and supplying restaurants and cafés, they landed a regular pitch at a market stall in East Dulwich before setting up shop. They opened in Herne Hill, then Palace, back to East Dulwich and most recently West Norwood with their sights now set on Peckham in 2014. Relative big boys in the world of artisan baking, Eamonn is not afraid of a slice of healthy competition, and welcomes all the new kids on the block. ‘It’s great because it gives people a better awareness of good, handmade food and that only benefits us.’

Blackbird had found themselves ahead of the curve when the great baking renaissance recently began. Eamonn enthuses: ‘It’s gone crazy. In the time that I’ve been doing it, it’s gone bananas for the pop-up artisan baker. The rise in popularity of baking generally has been such a stroke of luck for us. We were in business already when that started happening and nobody could have predicted that baking would become the new rock’n’roll.’

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Demi Garcia Sabat Demi Pastisser

Joe Brett Brett & Bailey Bakers Matt Bailey Brett & Bailey Bakers

Colin Wilkie-Jones Demi Pastisser

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JUST DESSERTS A GHOSTLY CHRISTMAS TALE BY JUSTINE CROW ILLUSTRATIONS BY KATHRYN CORLETT

‘The Christmas menu is the bane of every restaurant critic’s disconsolate life . It is bad enough to know you are loathed for your very existence in advance of any morsel unannounced but to arrive clandestinely only to discover that the dishes one expected to examine for epicurean veracity have been replaced with the gastronomic equivalent of a party hat, is catastrophic to the soul .’

Typing ‘V.V Juniper’ into Google returned rich results.

I stopped and scrolled up. No wonder his review was headed ‘Flicking the Vs’. Apparently he hadn’t always been so unkind but the voice on the page that was so much bigger than the small frame from which it emanated caused great fear among those from whom carved, in this case, most definitely carved, a living. Today, this fellow had it in for Jakobo Jeffries, a recently feted chef and worse, we by the mere act of reading his words, were to be complicit. For, from Juniper’s trademark bow-tie, ‘the colour of dynastic crimson chrysanthemum’ to his diminutive shoes, the unsuspecting festive menu had ignited his ire.

The pile of Sunday supplements I rescued from my garage had failed to yield a copy of the original piece that was later reported as being ‘as pernicious as a shiny cracked tree bauble primed to slice the tip of any finger’, thus I was forced to find it online but I did discover a vibrant cutting about wide-eyed Jak in a culinary special published some months before.

Illustrated in that glossy mag way that always seems to require tongue-in-cheek styling, as if we can’t handle our chefs in plain whites, our newcomer to ‘the scene’ had been uneasily posed holding a leg of lamb to his temple like an ear-trumpet with the caption WHO’S MUTTON JEFF? Jeffries came across well, humbled by his recent success in an unfashionable suburb, eager to cook and grateful to his parents for passing on a love of robust dinners despite his modest upbringing on a merchant seaman’s pay. Though with a lump of meat in his ear, he had been set up like a coconut shy. I was looking for a restaurant site to lease and had driven past Jakobos’ abandoned premises many times, forgetting just what a big media story he had been. Big until the master carver Victor Vernon Juniper cut him down to size and the slaying of that first course had been brutal.

Later that same day as I eased up the rollered shutters that had remained locked for years, I was greeted by the innocent menu itself, curling and snaileaten, pinned in its blank lightbox by a brown spike of holly and a shrivelled berry.

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JUST DESSERTS

‘I shudder to imagine how many of Santa’s elves perished to produce the green slop that supposed itself to be watercress and celeriac soup..’ wrote V.V ‘That they were sacrificed to be served with ‘piquant’ croutons smeared with what I was advised was goats cheese and tossed like festive wreathes on a stagnant canal, only not quite as palatable as a ring of evergreens lashed with garden wire, was an act of wanton cruelty worthy of Herod himself. And verily they, we, me, had no choice in the slaughter for this is the Carte of the newborn King.’

I got the shutter up half way and the door opened against an incline of pizza leaflets that were untroubled by the irony of their presence. Dark, airless and muggy with the electricity off, I was disorientated but with my hands patting the air, found a chair back and began to discern the unexpectedly neat contours of tables arranged on both sides of the room with larger generous roundels down the centre. It had not occurred to me that after all these years the place would still be fitted out but it was, expectant, as if the furniture had been biding its time.

‘I cannot begin to convey how little the bonhomie of my fellow diners was reflected in my own countenance,’ boomed V.V as he continued his assassination of the second course as I began to make my way across the crepuscular room, ‘suffice it to say I would have preferred to have eaten the bad jokes that catapulted from their tiresomely cheerful table crackers than swallow the so called AMUSE BOUCHES that were put before me which were,’ and he paused with that comma, ‘as subtle as a plate of reindeer droppings, a forewarning of the ordure to come.’

Feeling increasingly intrusive as my eyes adjusted, aided by the late afternoon that crouched beneath the semi-risen shutters, I realised that not only were the tables still in situ but that each cover was meticulously prepared for the next service. Cutlery, side plates, linen napkins, were all attentively laid but uniformly coated in smooth undisturbed grey dust. Only the glassware was missing and each setting was marked by a slender vase containing a single dead orchid.

‘The agricultural cohort of the baby Jesus’ stable came next, uncooked and braying. When I say ‘uncooked’, I don’t imply rawness. Simply that the 26

shepherd Jay-Jay himself had not bothered with the convention of ‘cooking’.

However, the precious Christmas menu, which shall be obeyed, informed me that it was just a poor lamb limping home dragging its own kidneys behind him, punished with glazed dates like the victim of a Biblical stoning…’

Mildly unnerved by the unexpected calm twilight tables untouched in the many, many months since Victor’s invective was unleashed, terror suddenly sent me ducking for cover near the pass when a slight creak like a ship’s sigh preceded the screeching clatter of the shutters rolling back down and plunging me into complete blackness.

I rose and tugged out my mobile phone instantly regretting never installing the novelty torch app. Pressing random keys to initiate the display, I pointed the white glow. It illuminated a single place setting. And faded.

Trying to be rational like the survivor in an upturned boat, I forced a slippery memory of the aisle, some candles lined up for action and of a trolley of glasses dulled by grey particles but where? I stood up cautiously, aimed the phone at eye-level with my right hand, put my left arm out to steady myself against the wall, and fell straight through the swing door into the stygian chasm of the kitchen.

There followed the distinctive sound of plastic collapsing on a hard surface and its components skittering beneath unfathomable spaces to silence.

The phone obliterated, somehow I saved myself before I smacked down on a kitchen floor. But Victor was unstoppable.

‘More unfunny jokes appeared to sicken my fancy, this time coffee flavoured froth like the scum scraped from the bottom of a discarded paper cup (tempting to write bottom here too) and then what horror lay before me for dessert? Gruel? Groooell? That would be but succour but cinnamon .. cinnamon? For godsakes, THAT old chestnut? I mean I like a cliché as much as the next man but I wouldn’t want to swallow one.’

Hand by hand, steered by a lone flutter of sunlight behind a flaccid fan that exhaled a glimmer on the breeze before sucking it back, I guided myself along the metal cabinets towards a paler black hole that I hoped was the hatch of the pass and perceived a breath of sweet spice long since spilled. My roaming hands traced a chef’s map of his workplace – warm runnels of chopping board

A GHOSTLY CHRISTMAS TALE

wood, stainless steel with the sag of repetition pressure, the chill of marble, the woven ruck of a cloth, three grains of sugar wedded to my fingerprint.

As I hunted for my way out, my thoughts went back to the obituaries on the screen – the outwardly thriving, inwardly expiring V.V was very aware that this would be his last Christmas and possibly his final review. Sadly, his place on the ornate sideboard of culinary critique ensured that Jakobo, in light of the next day’s paper, never opened his restaurant again.

Still searching the blackness, I knocked a balloon of a tight wire that responded by sketching an audible arc away from me on the steel top and dropping, but by some miracle, I caught it. A whisk. Here and there another aroma troubled me, something sweetly fetid and pocked, and suddenly my face was flashed upside down in the shine of a spoon. I reached out but the spoon had vanished. Instead, I sensed warmth.

Reaching again, my curious fingers found a saucepan resting on the hob. And its sides were still hot.

By this time my bearings were irrelevant. I was crashing about and flailing the whisk like a blind, injured

monster and the door wrestled me backwards out into the dining room where I discovered just where all those glasses were. Coming to rest on my backside amidst the shards, I collected myself, teetered up with a crunch and slowly turned. There seated at a table set for one was an ethereal version of Victor Vernon Juniper. Haloed by the rising soot curls of recently snuffed candles, his fists were bound tightly to his cutlery, his bow-tie a violent gash at his throat and his eyes were bloated with terror. Lit by the dread smoke of expunged flame, his soul was indeed catastrophically snagged, trapped forever within one moment of spite, destined to digest his vengeance in a penitence of courses served for eternity. If you are walking past that shuttered place, put your ear to the lock and wait for the traffic to pass. There it is. The sound of quiet sobbing as his ghost is destined to devour the yuletide menu over and over again.

‘Cinnamon? In fried apple spew? I would rather pluck out my brows and salt my retinas than finish this ..’

Justine Crow 27

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CLAUDINE NIGHTINGALE CATCHES UP WITH OUR HEAVENLY HARPISTS

Girls Harps he approach to Christmas is traditionally a busy time for all; this will certainly be the case for the members of the harp ensemble 4 Girls 4 Harps, who will not only be promoting their latest album, but also undertaking a month-long UK tour.

The group, which formed in 2000 and is made up of members Harriet Adie, Keziah Thomas, Eleanor Turner and Elizabeth Scorah, will spend nearly all of December on the road. They will perform in 13 different venues, including three in London – Fairfield Halls (Croydon), Temple Church (City) and Asylum Arts (Peckham).

South Norwood resident and ensemble member Keziah Thomas told me just how much of a challenge the tour will be: ‘This will be our first month-long tour and as well as four girls (well, women!), four harps and four estate cars between us, there are also two young children under the age of two to consider!’

That certainly sounds like a handful. To liven it up even more, the group has chosen a wide range of atmospheric venues to visit, including theatres and churches, a castle and even an asylum.

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The tour will be based around the music featured on their upcoming CD – an album of Christmas carols.

‘Each of us wrote a list of our favourite carols,’ explains Keziah, ‘then we chose the ones we felt we could arrange really well for four harps’. The resulting variety of styles include a Celtic-inspired In the Bleak MidWinter and Il est né, a more traditional See Amid the Winter Snow, and jazz-styled We Three Kings and Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Three tracks feature guest soprano Helen Winter.

Although the tour itself will offer perfect seasonal entertainment for audiences, the production of it has 30

been a rather unseasonal affair for the musicians: ‘For us, that song I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day has been the day-to-day reality this year! In January we started arranging the carols for the album, we rehearsed in March, recorded in April and since then have been doing photo shoots for the artwork, writing the booklet and organising a 13-date UK tour. We cannot wait for Christmas Day!’ 4 Girls 4 Harps at Christmas (£10) is available at The Bookseller Crow & Smash Bang Wallop in Crystal Palace as well as online via Amazon and iTunes. www.4girls4harps.com

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Thanks to our lovely cover cherub (to be pedantic putto - cherubim are actually pretty big) James Clark who has been diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, a lifeshortening inherited disease, which affects almost 10,000 people in the UK. If you would like to know more visit www.cysticfibrosis.org.uk

Watching a gifted harpist perform creates a similar sense of wonder one might experience listening to a Frenchman doing a simultaneous translation from Russian into Chinese: just how do they do that? The manual dexterity, accompanied by mindblowingly superfast brain-to-fingers co-ordination, really is quite something.

It has been ever thus it would seem: back in ancient Ireland, harp players were brought into the courts to entertain kings and clan chiefs, their performances inducing laughter or tears and sometimes required as an aid to sleep. Many musicians have fallen under the instrument’s spell over the years, from the Beatles (She’s Leaving Home) to Catatonia (Bulimic Beats) to Florence + the Machine (Dog Days are Over and Cosmic Love, amongst others). Famous harp players include Marie Antoinette and Harpo Marx; the latter – thought by some to be a ‘diabolical’ player, by others a genius with a unique technique – still divides the harp community.

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HOW TO HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE

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Christmas IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR AT WESTOW HOUSE, AS GEMMA BANKS FINDS OUT

is the morning after the ‘mega’ night before and a rather weary Justin was up very late with The Boom Boom Booms.

He is, despite a distinct lack of shut-eye, in fine fettle and keen to talk me through what is shaping up to be a jam packed December at Westow House.

Christmas and New Year at the Westow will without a doubt be their best yet. Justin and his team will be laying on a fine selection of seasonal ales, incredible live bands & DJs, a Christmas Menu worthy of some of London’s finest dining establishments and, for the first time, a Winter Wonderland market.

Reservations are now being taken for their Christmas Menu, but you better be quick because once word gets out about how good it is this year, tables will be like gold dust!

Once upon a time a festive meal meant a plate of uninspiring dry turkey & soggy veg followed by shrivelled up Christmas pudding topped with squirty cream. But not at the Westow I assure you!

The menu includes an exciting amount of seasonal produce and the dishes draw on a much further reaching heritage of the festive meal than most pubs ever choose to offer. With starters including gravlax & grilled quail and mains including braised rabbit & haunch of venison, you will be hard pushed not to be bowled over by the effort their chef has put into the menu or read it without drooling profusely. And for the traditionalists of the Triangle they are of course offering a whole turkey with all the trimmings too. I for one know where I will be feasting for the month of December. No doubt I will see many of you there!

Westow House Christmas Menu runs until 24 December. £17 for two courses, £21 for three courses.

All dishes can also be found on the pub’s ‘a la carte’ menu. Booking is advisable.

It

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Westow

WHAT’S ON AT THE

Winter Wonderland Christmas Market

Over the weekend of 14 & 15 December Westow House will be transformed into a Winter Wonderland Christmas market. This event is a first for the pub, and it will no doubt attract oodles of local visitors wanting to shop locally for their crafty Christmas presents.

The front garden will boast a large Christmas tree, twinkly fairy lights and favourite local businesses manning small stalls. Expect to see Good Taste Food & Drink along with new girl on the block Brave Girl Gifts, amongst many others. The pub’s own stall will be selling edible sweet and savoury seasonal goodies. Live music will keep everyone entertained and the bar will have a full seasonal range of ales on tap along with the obligatory toasty mulled wine.

Saturday 14 & Sunday 15 December All day

For those wanting to stick around after sundown on Saturday 14, the pub will be hosting a single launch for Westival headliners Lazy Talk. This startlingly original London based band will be sure to pull a large crowd so arrive early to bag a front row pew.

Saturday 14 December Free entry 9pm

Christmas Eve Justin describes Christmas Eve at Westow House as ‘heaving’. I’ll admit I’ve called it ‘messy’ in my time, as have many others I’m sure! One thing is without doubt: it is a reet proper knees-up so dig out your Santa hat and decorate it with tinsel. There will be DJs playing until the rather unrespectable 2am kicking out time too! What a way to ring in Christmas!

Until 2am

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New Year’s Eve

Prepare yourself for THE biggest night of the year at the Westow ... New Year’s Eve is 1950s Rock ‘n’ Roll night. Between the hours of 8pm and 3am you will be treated to an explosion of the finest rockabilly sounds from The Boom Boom Booms. It will be first time ever a live band has played whilst the clock strikes 12, and DJs will be keeping up the 50s sounds in between the band’s sets.

There is also a bar tab to be won for the best dressed guest! (I will be digging out my underskirts and perfecting my quiff!)

Tickets are £10 and can be purchased over the bar or through the Westow House website, and proceeds will be donated to Parkinson’s UK, for whom the pub has raised £7k in 2013!

8pm til 3am Tickets £10

The Next Supper

ANDREW Ramesh Appadoo, Grand Bay Boutique wears Jay K blazer £69 Grand Bay Boutique

JAMES (Minor) Andre Pastuszak, Westow House wears jacket £45 from Bambino BARTHOLOMEW Efisio Fronteddu, Mediterranea wears Harris tweed blazer £55 Clothing Agency Et Pourquoi Pas?

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JUDAS Paul Davies, Crazy Man Crazy wears 1950s American suit £85 & vintage bowtie £15 Crazy Man Crazy

MARY Veryan Wilkie-Jones, Demi Pastisser wears woollen Shawl £48 & Emily & Fin dress £55 Smash Bang Wallop

PETER Justin Hutton, Westow House wears jacket £45 Clothing Agency Et Pourquoi Pas?

THOMAS Dennis Brown, D Solo’s wears Gaudi Italian blazer £235 D Solo’s

JESUS Manish Utton-Mishra, Good Taste Food & Drink wears British tweed jacket £350 Simon Carter

SIMON Will Ellner, Joanna’s wears silk velvet jacket £325 Simon Carter

PHILIP Wes Nicholson, The Peryls Jacket model’s own

JAMES (Major) Simeon Pearl, Good Taste Food & Drink wears Ted Lapidus blazer £45 Clothing Agency Et Pourquoi Pas?

MATTHEW Simon Sharville, The Transmitter wears velvet blazer by qUmi Couture £259 D Solos

THADDEUS Fabrice Tuesta, Clothing Agency Et Pourquoi Pas? wears Harris tweed sports jacket £75 Crazy Man Crazy

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Main photo : Andy Pontin Portraits : Nicolai Amter www.amter.com Venue : Westow House Illustration : Karin Dahlbacka

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Thanks to Bambino Crazy Man Crazy Demi Pastisser D Solo’s Et Pourquoi Pas? Good Taste Food & Drink Grand Bay Boutique Joanna’s Mediterranea The Peryls Simon Carter Smash Bang Wallop Westow House

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FANCY A BITE IN A QUIRKY LOCATION? JUSTINE CROW HAS SOME SUGGESTIONS

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PHOTOS BY CONNIE MAY

LIDOS WHO

LUNCH A

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sk anyone around the middle aged mark (in my case, much much younger that that, obviously) what they remember about going swimming when young and the answer invariably entails crisps and a watery hot chocolate or oxtail soup out of a vending machine. It was often impossible to tell the two liquids apart in that era of rehydrated gastronomic hell. Stinging eyes and that post twenty-five yard chasm in the stomach, a starving vortex whorling with nothing but chlorine and the niff of cheesy feet, is forever associated with those trips to the baths.

It still seems slightly unnatural, supernatural even, to be going to a swimming pool to eat a proper meal.

Being avid swimmers, the bookseller and I, it seemed even stranger to be alongside water without stripping off. Instead, fully-clothed, we pulled out our chairs at the Brockwell Lido Café and gazed enviously at the shimmer beyond the window and the twilight reflected on it. Built in 1937, the lido really is a beautiful thing to behold whatever one is wearing – trunks or trousers – and eating here is as hypnotic as having a picnic beside a lake or ice-cream on the beach. I swear, had they served us peanuts and powdered soup, we couldn’t have been more contented.

The menu changes monthly, luckily for my perpetual state of hunger, and there is no such dross. The glamorous soup on offer was utterly alien to the 1970’s pool user or indeed restaurant habitué – golden beetroot with goats curd and sage? That would have had the Smash robots rolling in the aisles. Instead I went for the generous starter of tangy juicy chorizo

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with mussels and the bookseller chose an extremely attractive slab of herby game terrine like a slice of Jurassic coastline which came with his favourite toasted sour dough. We washed it down (one always needs a little embrocation to swallow sour dough, known as ‘hiccup bread’ in our house) with the wine of the month, a pretty Portuguese rosé – the waves once again seeming to influence our fancy.

Our main courses were equally unfussy. He went for the roast guinea fowl with pancetta & sautés and I stuck with surf and had the silver mullet which was nothing like the old rocker’s high-board Brylcreemed hairstyle that immediately sprang to my chlorine-addled mind when I first saw it on the menu. It came with a dash of fennel, generously scattered girolles and a sweet parsnip mash and my side of skin-on chips were some of the best I ever had out of a bucket in a caff.

Soon all that was left on the bookseller’s plate was an archaeological dig of scattered bones, and some fish scales like dropped skimpies on mine. We pushed ourselves on to pudding like true triathletes. Two small pale buttocks of sorbet and a slice of lemon & hazelnut cheesecake, and we were sunk.

As evening fell and our waistlines expanded, gym users opposite were framed in action, each against a white backdrop, as they power-walked and pulled on the machines like one of Muybridge’s contact sheets, and I began thinking about other incongruous venues for food and drink. On the other side of Brockwell Park in West Norwood, there’s the lovely old Gipsy Queen pub – hitherto an abandoned shell one merely floated

above on the train to London Bridge – which has been refurbished. Cleanly painted and filled with much sought-after vinyl, it has been turned into The Book and Record Bar, a record emporium and coffee shop complete with decks on the bar: as cool as a rare triple gatefold sleeve.

Closer to home (opposite Gipsy Hill station), you might have spotted a pop-up bar called Beer Rebellion, the brainchild of Penge-based brewery Late Knights which produces around fifty casks of good brown stuff every seven days. Now they are serving unpretentious and juicy dirty burgers plus a pint of fries in a dimpled glass to go with your vase of prize-winning Worm Catcher IPA – a Wilson Pickett burger and ‘vegetarian’ option also available but don’t expect a knife and fork ‘cos it ain’t that kind of gaff.

The chilled atmosphere here in this no frills set-up has built up a real local following, with beers changing weekly and ales to savour such as Old Red Eyes and Hop o’ the Morning, I don’t know about pop-up, it feels like it should be here forever. We will keep our fingers crossed around our pints.

And then there is the contrary sounding, anything but mediocre, ultimately ingenious Cheese Bar at Good Taste Food & Drink, lair of delicatessen merchant extraordinaire (not to mention Observer Food Monthly awards 2013 Best Independent Retailer runner-up) Manish & his crack-shot team of cheese-cutters. On Saturday nights from 6.30 til 10pm you pay a set price for a platter. First, order your libation and then match it to some delectable morsels of manna from the 45

LIDOS WHO LUNCH

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dairy, accompanied by quince jelly or another exotic tracklement. Famously, goat’s cheese goes well with a Sauvignon Blanc so what would complement the fiendishly addictive old Gouda they specialise in at the moment? ‘Stout!’ comes the um, stout reply. Indeed, Manish has much beer and wine to impart.

Alexandra Nurseries on Parish Lane, SE20, down the slope, does a fine line in soup and blankets beneath a voluptuous grapevine – when I visited, Mexican bean with chilli & tomato was on the slate. Sitting there alfresco on vintage wicker, amidst ornate bundles of firewood, eating a cream tea beside arty garden pots, pert plants on tables, it is like being in a sort of paradise. Let’s hear it for Penge!

Our South London epicurean adventure beyond the convention of restaurant walls has thankfully evolved from the old days of slotting 10p’s into a vending machine only to be rewarded with a clunk of mediocrity.

At the swimming baths when we were small, the rules said we were to refrain from all the fun stuff – no bombing, no ducking, no petting – plus there was always some jobsworth wagging their finger and telling us NEVER to eat and swim. But at the lido and elsewhere in the Norwoods, amid aestheticism and incongruity, the serious business of eating and drinking is more interesting because someone keeps breaking the rules. www.thelidocafe.co.uk www.facebook.com/TheBookandRecordBar www.lateknightsbrewery.co.uk www.goodtaste-fd.co.uk www.alexandranurseries.co.uk

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10 Alexandra Nurseries 9 Beer Rebellion 8 The Book and Record Bar 3 Brockwell Lido Cafe

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Cookbook

PHOTO BY GARY CONGRESS WWW.GARYCONGRESS.CO.UK

Festive Foodie DIY RACHEL DE THAMPLE GUARANTEES A TRULY UNIQUE GIFT THIS CHRISTMAS

What a present: a homemade cheese. I stumbled upon making this by accident. Basically, I had a glut of milk.

I couldn't believe how easy it was to make this simple, creamy, mozzarella-ish cheese.

The recipe is based on one I got from Hook & Sons Dairy, who have a stall at the CP Food Market every Saturday. Their milk is raw and is perfect for experimenting with cheese-making.

This gorgeous soft cheese is a like a cross between mozzarella and halloumi. It has the soft creaminess of the former and a hint of the smooth, stretchy squeekiness of the latter. The recipe doubles easily so if you want a bigger cheese get in 2 litres of milk. Beware I tried this recipe with Sainsbury’s organic whole milk and it didn’t work.

A good cheese always loves a nice loaf and the whey – the ‘leftovers’ when you make the cheese – just so happens to make the nicest soda bread I've ever had. Double win.

THE CHEESE

Makes approx 150g 1 litre of raw milk 4 tbsp lemon juice ½ to 1 tsp sea salt Pour the milk into a large saucepan. Gently bring it up to the boil, stirring frequently to prevent it from burning.

Once it's hot and bubbling up a bit, swirl the lemon juice into the milk, mixing it in with a butter knife (it's easier to clean as some of the curds will stick to it). Stir it until you can see the curds separating from the whey.

The curds should start to look a bit stretchy. Keep swirling the mix until you see this. Then mix in the salt.

Add ½ tsp for a milder, creamier flavour or 1 tsp for a richer, more salty cheese.

Let the mix stand for up to 3 hours (or at least 30 minutes) before straining into a clean muslin cloth (or a clean – thin – tea towel, or you can use an old – clean!

– pair of tights). Place a sieve over a large pot (to catch the whey). Line the sieve with the fabric you're using

to strain the cheese. Pour the curds into it, straining off the whey.

Pour the whey into a container or use it straight away to make soda bread. You can freeze any excess whey.

Tie the fabric containing the curds up so it can hang over a bowl. For best results it'll need to hang for 12 hours (or at least overnight). This alllows any excess whey to drip out. The longer it hangs, the firmer your cheese will be.

Unwrap and store your cheese in the fridge until ready to serve. Delicous with bread and a sweet spread like quince cheese or honey or with fresh apples.

I've also used it to make cheesecake and on pizza.

THE BREAD

Makes 1 medium loaf (10-12 slices) 500g plain white flour (you could also use white spelt flour) 2 tsp bicarbonate of soda 1 tsp sea salt 400-500ml whey Heat your oven to 200C/Gas 6.

Sift the flour, bicarb and salt into a large bowl.

Ensure the bicarb is thoroughly mixed through the flour as a lump of it in the bread does not taste nice (I am speaking from experience here!)

Make a well in the centre. Warm the whey a little or get it to room temperature before adding.Swirl the whey in little by little until the mix comes together to form a sticky but nicely formed ball. You may not need all the whey. If it's too sticky, simply dust the mix with flour and gently bring the mix together.

Plonk the dough on a lightly floured baking tray. Dust the top with flour and make a deep cross into the loaf.

Bake in the centre of the oven for 40-45mins or until golden and hollow-sounding when tapped. Let the bread cool for 15 minutes before serving or wrap in a tea towel to keep it nice and moist. Best eaten within 3 days. www.hookandson.co.uk 49

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LONDON THEATRE A LOCAL TREASURE HAS JUST BEEN AWARDED LOTTERY FUNDING: JUSTINE CROW FINDS OUT MORE PHOTOS CONNIE MAY

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have just been to see a play by the awardwinning writer Conor McPherson. Intense, personal and jolting, the acting was spot-on and when the spittle flew, the tension was unbearable. But I wasn’t dodging verbal blows from the comfort of the auditorium of the refurbished Royal Court or in the soft seats of the trendy Donmar Warehouse, I was at Norwood’s own South London Theatre (SLT).

The intimacy of the performance meant that we were immersed in the narrative, so much so that we might as well have been sitting on that prop couch on the stage.

Actually, it was a shock to feel so involved and certainly not one I anticipated earlier as I sat on my tall stool in the relaxed, bohemian basement bar beneath a vast collage of posters on the ceiling chatting to my guide, Bob, before curtain up. Our workday throats quenched by the excellent beer – Brian the bar manager is a CAMRA buff – he filled me in on the astonishing headline news that the SLT had earned itself much sought after lottery funding to refurbish the Old Fire Station that has been its home since 1967.

Among his many guises, Bob is a director of the building preservation trust and he says the initial funding is in place for the plans which have already unearthed some ‘unpleasant surprises,’ such as an immovable iron post right in the middle of where the new performance area is supposed to be. ‘We decided that we weren’t going to bodge it,’ sighs Bob, despite the theatre company having many talented people in its ranks, ‘so we got professionals in.’ With perhaps a dozen different firms engaged, the renovation is a complex affair but eventually those iconic fire appliance doors will comprise the entrance to a fully modernised community theatre with space not just for the company but for visiting groups too.

The theatre space has a surprising number of needs, aside from the heritage side of things. Acoustics, lighting, set and props, seating, ‘where to put the technical suite..’, all necessitating consultants and experts. Then there’s the health and safety aspects.

When I slither off my stool, leave my pint on the bar and follow Bob up to the wardrobe department, we meet stalwart Val who chuckles when she describes the contradictions they already have to deal with – the insurance company demands security but the fire inspectors insist on accessibility.

Suddenly we are mobbed by costumes, racks and racks and boxes and boxes of them. From any era, for all dramatic entrances, everything a character or extra requires from top to toe: ‘Look at all the shoes!’ Bob marvels, selecting an eye-watering pea-green platform sandal from a tub while I am tantalised by Jaffa orange cartons marked with legends like Tricorn Hats, Breeches and brilliantly, More Breeches. Bob brings down one labelled Munchkin Wigs and pats a particularly baroque orange number betraying, me thinks, the inner thespian that inhabits all those who are concerned in that labour of love called ‘community theatre’.

Val throws open the doors to the Pantomime Room – ‘Dames on the right, Buttons on the left!’ – explaining that their extensive collection of costumes are hired out regularly for TV productions and by other theatre companies ‘at very reasonable rates.’ ‘Just don’t’ implored Val as if through a mouthful of pins, ‘mention the two words fancy and dress. That drives us mad.’

From a balcony festooned with ropes we look down on final rehearsals. ‘Our connection with the fire brigade is quite ironic,’ comments Bob, ‘given that traditionally firemen often worked in theatres, putting out the many blazes that occurred.’ He went 51

on to explain that sailors were among those employed because they were adept at ropes and climbing gantries. Meanwhile, the actors glance up at us and wave, doing well to disguise any last minute nerves.

Back downstairs, the bar is open to members every evening and there are quiz nights, open mic events, parties and Youth Group on Saturdays (7-18 years). All activities are run entirely by members with day jobs who also undertake all manner of theatre-related tasks from box office, front of house and the all-important refreshments – you can reserve a half-time drink, just like the big boys up West – to set designing and building, sound and lighting.

The bar has now filled up and is humid with conviviality. ‘Let me introduce you to the director of Shining Light, tonight’s play,’ Bob says but Jess begs a minute ‘to get the lighting crew a drink,’ with a deft display of people management. When she returns we talk about the capability of cast and crew at her disposal but she notes that many prefer not always to be star of the show. ‘That behaviour,’ I blather, ‘is typical of those of us who have done..’ and then I actually blurt out the dread words, ‘Am Dram’. This I immediately regret.

The theatre actually comprises two performance spaces: the Bell Theatre, a pukka proscenium with fixed chairs, and the more flexible one we are in tonight, Prompt Corner. In spite of trying conditions and the constrictions of an elderly – if handsome – building (that sprouts mystery leaks and shudders when buses go by), there is absolutely nothing amateur about the SLT. A glance at the online archive reveals the intelligence and creativity behind the 22 shows they aim to stage each year, from Shakespeare to new writing, musicals, comedies and classics, to the old Christmas staples. Working backwards, in the last 52

decade alone they have put on writers as diverse as Jez Butterworth and Rattigan, Webster, Patrick Marber, Robert Bolt, Margaret Atwood and Peter Nichols.

Ah, that pea-green platform shoe has to have been in Privates on Parade!

During the interval, we sample the guest beer and I name-drop Harold Pinter describing our amazement when he sat next to us during the opening run of a David Mamet in town some years ago. ‘Which one?’

Bob asks and I am stymied. ‘One word …’ I begin.

‘Oleanna,’ interjects knowledgeable Bob with quiet triumph. ‘We’ve done lots of Mamet.’

They are a discerning lot and never mere crowdpleasers. The list of 700 or more plays in their archive reads like a divine primer that should surely be compulsory for all students of English literature (Gove’s worst nightmare). But as far as I can make out, in all their nigh on 50 years of existence, they haven’t yet resorted to a Lloyd Webber. Simply for that – let alone if any one of those hundreds of other dramatisations was as accomplished as the play I witnessed this particular evening – Bob and the rest of the SLT team deserve all the lottery lolly they can get their hands on.

South London Theatre The Old Fire Station 2a Norwood High Street West Norwood London SE27 9NS Box office 0208 6703474 Weds and Mon-Sat show weeks 7pm-9pm www.southlondontheatre.co.uk info@southlondontheatre.co.uk youth@southlondontheatre.co.uk wardrobe@southlondontheatre.co.uk

WINDOW BOXES WILL SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINTER MONTHS SAYS SUE WILLIAMS

H

ere we are again. Does it seem not five minutes since the clocks went back last year or is it just my advancing years foreshortening the time? No matter, there’s nowt we can do about it. The season of darkness is upon us and we must make the best we can of it ... horticulturally speaking anyway.

For the gardener it is the best of times to be in the garden and yes, to continue our Dickensian motif, the worst of times. The best because the ground is moist and diggable and the important jobs like planting and pruning need to be sorted out; the worst because it’s either raining or blowing a gale when you decide to don the Hunters and head outdoors. But those fine autumn days when the sun is low in the sky and the breeze is a very last breath of summer are magical and some of the best gardening times.

Enough of the poeticals. Window boxes are back on the agenda. As winter sets in the plants on the window sill can be a real spirit-lifter when the rest of the garden can look a bit uninviting. As we head towards Christmas the planting can give the domicile a very pleasing festive flavour. Decking the halls and all that ...

There are some really dramatic evergreen plants which do well in a window box for one season. They can then be planted out in the main garden when the frosts have passed and the geraniums and lobelia are ready to put on their summer show. Box (Buxus sempervirens) is my favourite window box staple.

I’m always rattling on about it but it’s marvellous 54

stuff: hardy as hardy, good looking and ready to be shaped in to whatever style you choose ... the perfect specimen. Box isn’t cheap when you’re purchasing large plants but the small plants can be bought for a couple of pounds. As always the lovely Roger and the gang at The Secret Garden have a good selection in stock. For seasonal flavour the Box cones look a bit like Christmas trees but balls, spirals and pyramids all create a dramatic backdrop to your other planting.

I always used to think Cyclamen were a bit like those African Violet houseplants popular in the 70s ... a bit delicate, lived for a couple of weeks in the bathroom and then shrivelled into a small brown huddle. I was wrong. They are robust little characters that are happy outside and then will continue to perform when they are transferred to the main garden. There are some stunning varieties of both flower and foliage, from the whitest of white blooms to deep scarlet and pale purple. The leaves come in darkest green through to a variegated grey-green foliage. They look very stylish when planted next to the Box, just pull off any spent petals as and when they turn brown to keep them looking on top form.

Cyclamen perform really well in the garden if they are underplanted , either beneath trees or shrubs in the border. They have a spreading habit and will eventually form cushions of flowers which appear too delicate for their surroundings. Marvellous.

Skimmia japonica is another great genus of plant.

In my view they need to be sited correctly as they

are often found overwhelmed and under pruned in the shrubbery. They are evergreen, bear brightly coloured berries and produce reasonable flowers before fruiting. The most common variety is Skimmia japonica ‘Rubella’. This is a festive favourite as it produces shiny red berries in winter and has glossy green elliptic leaves. A rarer type is the Skimmia japonica ‘Kew White’ which has white buds during the late autumn and will bear white berries around Christmas if sited within kissing distance of its more common red cousin. Well worth a double purchase. In the main garden the Skimmia will prove a hardy staple but will best thrive in neutral or slightly acid soil.

My final suggestion for this smorgasbord of container planting is the common or garden Hebe.

They are all over the place. Every garden has one nestled somewhere – and rightly so as they are really good performers. The variegated types are good for winter containers as they tend to flower in spring and summer and it is the foliage which lights up the planting. Hebe ‘Waireka’ has lovely leaves which are centred with a dull green but edged with white margins. If the foliage turns a bit rogue and starts to throw up plain green stems make sure to prune them out as if left unchecked the whole plant will revert to one colour.

On that horticultural handy tip I wish you a Merry Christmas and fruitful planting.

Happy Gardening 55

CyCLe Corner

A HAND-BUILT, CUSTOM-MADE BIKE IS A WONDERFUL THING SAYS STEEL-FRAME ENTHUSIAST BOB TOWNLEY s someone who knows the experience of owning (and riding on) a custom-built steel frame, it was great to sit down for a chat with Matt McDonough, Crystal Palace’s local frame-builder. Matt set up Talbot Frameworks earlier this year – in collaboration with Blue Door Bicycles – as ‘a natural progression’ from working as a mechanic in bike shops, to teaching mechanics in an FE college, then honing his skills building frames for friends and family from a Brixton railway arch. His love for frame-building is clear: ‘my job is what my hobby used to be’.

So far Matt has built around a dozen beautiful and unique Talbot frames (for customers as far away as Malaysia). Every frame is bespoke. Unlike buying a bike off-the-peg, here the customer is involved in the design and building process from start to finish, from initial drawings to the choice of components and colour scheme. The design phase includes a measurement process that goes beyond simple body statistics to explore various factors – including individual levels of toe-touching flexibility – which determine the exact frame geometry that will allow the most comfortable and efficient riding position. While the majority of frames built so far have been for road bikes, Matt’s skills are not limited to one frame-type alone: he has also built track, cyclo-cross and touring frames (including an unusually large 63cm frame for a customer unable to find a suitable fit elsewhere). He is currently working on a mountain bike frame for next year’s prestigious Bespoked festival, an international event showcasing the best in custom-built bikes from around the globe.

A

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The growth of events like Bespoked highlights the resurgence of interest in custom-built frames and Matt presents a convincing case for the significant advantages of steel over other frame materials, notably carbon fibre. Vast improvements in tubing mean that he is now able to build an incredibly light and stiff frame using steel – which can potentially last a cycling lifetime. He’s definitely not a ‘weight weenie’, obsessed with grams, nevertheless on the day I visited I saw a complete Talbot-framed bike weighing in at a mere 8kg (pictured): this is on a par with the lightest bikes on the market in any material, at any price.

His tubing of choice is the Reynolds 853, partly in support of British industry and partly because he sees it as an excellent material that lends itself perfectly to his ‘fillet brazed’ building style where he is able to create a beautifully smooth look with a precise geometry. Other tubing and manufacturers (including the Italian Columbus brand) can also be used in response to the customer’s needs and frame requirements. Of course none of this comes cheap; frame-building is a craft and the process can take up to 200 hours, from initial discussions to the finished – magnificent – product. But how many times in life do we get the chance to be involved in the creation of something so beautifully unique, something truly ours which can last a lifetime?

In his space at the back of Blue Door Bikes, Matt is part of a renaissance in the craft of frame-building, in which a new generation are taking the industry to a new level, in terms of design, performance and aesthetics. www.talbotframeworks.com

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THERE’S A WORLD OUT THERE! Howard Male has some Chrimbo gift ideas for the oddball music-lover in your family et’s start very close to home and then branch out shall we? Crystal Palace’s very own pop star and burgeoning internationally-published novelist Jim Bob has just released his first solo album in five years, and it’s the best thing he’s ever done. To fans of Carter’s Unstoppable Sex Machine such a statement might seem self-evidently wrong: it’s clearly beyond the realms of possibility that any song could be better than The Only Living Boy in New Cross or Sheriff Fatman.

Well, maybe I’m biased because I was never that fond of drum machines in the context of rock and so was never a big fan of the band. But nevertheless, there’s a maturity in the lyrics, a catchiness in the tunes, and a pleasing sophistication to the arrangements that makes What I Think About When I Think About You (The Ten Forty Sound) a thoughtful, mischievous, serious, melancholy, swaggering delight from beginning to end.

For example, check out My New Walk for a brilliant dissection of all that is wrong with the male psyche, as illustrated by various grim archetypes from the casual misogyny of the couch potato slob to the goosestepping goon keen to murder on demand. There’s not a wasted word, making the song as good as anything Elvis Costello has done in many a year.

L

Meanwhile, over in Mali, passionate music is still being made despite every effort by Islamic extremists to put a stop to such things. Of course the horrible irony is that when you’ve got a repressive regime making your life a misery, great art can result. So recent albums by Sidi Toure, Bassekou Kouyate and Rokia Traore have all been powerful works, bristling with outrage and suffused with love for what they have lost. The Tuareg desert rock band Tamikrest have taken a somewhat different approach to the subject though. Chatma (Glitterbeat Records) – which translates as Sisters – is a tribute to all the women in their society who have been central to keeping families together during this awful time. But if all of this sounds a bit worthy, I hasten to point out that this album really rocks. So if you like 58

Tinariwen, or if you’ve got an Arcade Fire or Arctic Monkeys fan who’s been meaning to check out some African music, this would be a great place to start.

On the subject of African music, one of my albums of the year is actually a collaborative tribute to Nigerian Afrobeat legend Fela Kuti. I will leave you to google Fela if you know nothing about him because where would I begin? But suffice to say that what Bob Marley is to Jamaicans, Fela is to Nigerians, and in fact much of Africa and beyond. Red Hot + Fela (Knitting Factory Records) utilises talents as diverse as Angelique Kidjo, tUnE-yArDs and Nneka to revisit some of the man’s most enduring songs in order to give them a 21stcentury overhaul. Purists might object to how radically different from the originals some of the material here is, but my feeling is that Fela himself would have largely approved. Because the end result is a diverse, sonically adventurous epic that embraces hip-hop, funk, 70s Blaxploitation and even lounge soul, yet despite being nearly 80 minutes long, doesn’t outstay its welcome.

Finally, after all that South London swagger, Malian guitar rock and heavy-duty Afrobeat, what you might need is some atmospheric Argentinean electronica to chill out to. Well, I say chill out, but perhaps not. Allow me to introduce you to the one-time comedy actress Juana Molina. Although there’s actually nothing whatsoever funny about her sixth album Wed 21 (Crammed Discs) or any of her albums for that matter.

She builds up haunting, beguiling songs from sounds, textures and rhythms that seem tangentially connected to pop and rock music yet could just as easily have originated from another galaxy. A lazy comparison might be Björk, but I actually think that what Ms Molina does is both more accessible and less mannered than much of what the Icelandic singer has produced in recent years. So wait until late at night, switch off the light, lie back on the sofa and press play. For better or worse you will be transported to another place. But isn’t that what all good music is about in the end?

THE BOOKSELLER JONATHAN MAIN Recommends a few timely reads on the history of the palace

W

hen the first Crystal Palace was erected in Hyde Park in 1851 photography was still in its infancy and images were not easily duplicated, which meant that the ones that were taken tended to be used as the basis for engravings that could be sold. Consequently photographs of that building are very rare. By 1854 however, when the palace was moved and reconfigured in Sydenham, the medium had begun to find its feet both artistically and commercially and Philip Henry Delamotte an artist, illustrator and pioneering photographer was commissioned to document its construction and fitting out. The photographs in Delamotte’s Crystal Palace: A Victorian pleasure dome revealed, were purchased at auction by English Heritage in 2004 and date from 1858-9. The 47 stunning photographs of the interior of the palace, most never previously seen, are a unique record of the building pre the first fire of 1866. They illustrate with great clarity the various different ‘courts’ that went to make up parts of the interior – The Pompeian House, The Greek Court, The Elizabethan Vestibule, The Renaissance Court and The Alhambra Court among others – all of which were intended by the architect and designer Owen Jones to be examples of the best of previous civilisations.

Mark you (and this should be food for thought when considering any possible new-build Crystal Palace) not all was primly educational. The book reports, quoting from a leaflet produced at the time, that kitchens near the south transept, known as the Culinary Court, used: 60

a quarter of a million plates and 8,000 dishes; 10,000 forks and spoons; 20,000 knives; 4,000 carafes; 18,000 wine, champagne, hock and claret glasses; and that mineral and soda water were produced on site for the consumption of up to 6,000 bottles a day.

Something else. At the front of the book is a Delamotte photograph of Queen Victoria opening the Palace in 1854, the book notes that technical problems associated with recording such a live event were considerable and that this is the first known ‘news’ photograph in the world. Imagine that.

The book by Ian Leith was first published by English Heritage in 2005 and has been out of print for the past two years. Now however The Crystal Palace Foundation (with some help from ourselves: I placed a BIG order) have bought it back into print. It costs £19.99 and is an essential addition to any personal library of books about the area. And it isn’t available from anywhere beginning with A. Ten of millions of people visited the Crystal Palace and in its early years it attracted more visitors than the British Museum and the Tower of London put together.

This was facilitated by a special train service to and from London and on one day alone it is recorded that 112,000 people travelled from London Bridge. Many of The Crystal Palace Company directors were railway men and they effectively created the first mass transit system for a permanent theme park. A second High Level Station was added in 1865 and whilst it no longer

exists it can be read about in The Crystal Palace High Level Railway by John Gale (Lightmoor Press £13.50).

The presence of the palace and its ghost has meant a greatly changing landscape for the area and if you are new to its history two more very good books can be recommended. Norwood Past by John Coulter (Historical Publications £14.95) begins with the Great North Wood, the charcoal burners of the sixteenth century and the Norwood Gipsies, and ends in 1996 with a ‘depressing’ picture of Woodvale Estate. It’s a very good book for a general local history - unfortunately there are very few copies remaining (36 at the last count) so if you want one, you better be quick.

Another very good history of the local area is The Phoenix Suburb by Alan Warwick (The Norwood Society £9.99) which subtitles itself A South London Social History and is exactly that.

Extending our gaze outwards, the newly published A London Year compiled by Travis Elborough and Nick Rennison (Francis Lincoln £25.00) is a handsome book that will make an excellent Christmas present for any Londonphile. Subtitled 365 Days of City Life in Diaries, Journals and Letters it offers two or three entries for each day of the year, so that on 2 January, for instance, Alan Bennett is followed by Arnold Bennett who is in turn followed by Brian Eno. Turning to the index we find on page 178 an entry from the diary of Arthur Munby from 1859 entitled ‘Nothing to do at the Crystal Palace’:

To the Crystal Palace. None but holiday people there: ten thousand of them … They are not refined, but blunted and vulgarized still more by the eating of sandwiches on the tombs of Kings and drinking pots of porter in the courts of the Alhambra … Today I heard a wench exclaim, standing by the avenue of Sphinxes, before the statue of Rameses the Great, ‘Come on Bill, let’s cut: I’m sick of this place – there’s nought to do …’

A slightly more prosaic – though grimly familiar if you are a fan – entry from Valentine’s Day 2005 records a 5-1 drubbing of Crystal Palace by Arsenal in which for the first time an English team fielded a full team of foreigners with the addition of five more on the substitute’s bench.

For a more contemporary take on London, and in particular last summer’s Olympics, the much missed Smoke: a London Peculiar magazine returns in book form with From the Slopes of Olympus to the Banks of the Lea (Smoke £15.00), an excellent compendium of thoughts and stories including two by local authors Jackie Downs and Juno Baker.

Finally Bjarne Bladbjerg is now in the seventh year of producing his calendar featuring paintings of local businesses and this year yours truly has made it on to the cover, whilst inside Crazy Man Crazy sport themselves as Miss January, Brown and Green as Miss April and Blue Door Bikes as Miss October, among others. Anyone who has collected all seven of these will have a charming and unique record of the comings and goings around the Triangle.

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REVIEW TWO CRYSTAL PALACE OUTFITS. TWO NEW ALBUMS. MICHAEL WAGG HAS A LISTEN

‘W

hen we act like grown-ups, life becomes a bore.’

I couldn’t agree more. And Christmas is coming so what could be better than a new album from Crystal Palace country-folk pastoral-poppers The Peryls. The lyric is from a track entitled Elephants; the album the self-titled second full-length effort from a band with a cracker full of curiosities.

The feel is indeed winterish, the autumnal strains of the previous album – A Man He Was to All the Country Dear – giving way to a crisper, frostier front.

The sweeping romance of the opener Paper Bird feels like driving through Snowdonia, a landscape cold, wet and majestic. Pins & Needles gets under your skin, its 60s American pop promise becoming ever more interesting by the second, with a vocal owing to The Big O. There are plenty of other influences too: The Kinks strongly; McCartney-Beatles story song Notebook, a tale tantalisingly poking its head over the water line; and Mumford & Sons meets The Monkees, as in Stuck In The Mud where the result is, oddly, something approaching the voice of The King. Am I going too far?

Probably, but it really does feel like it’s all there spilling out of the variety pack, and the 60s Americana is highly exciting when the child inside remains.

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‘I won’t give you a piece of my pie ‘cause you’re a fool.’ At times they seem to be straining at the leash to become epic, producing a kind of muted pastoral raucousness that threatens and teases in equal measure – with two voices, cello, trumpet, organ, (I may be wrong but I think I heard a euphonium), xylophone maybe, theremin too (see Metamono right).

But they’re at their best when all out playful: a terrier given up on the glory and playing for playing’s sake, on the jaunty Piece Of My Pie. I feel like I’m driving again, on a wet Wednesday late-afternoon through the Pembrokeshire Hills (nee Sydenham), when all of a sudden the sky clears and for just three minutes or so it’s brilliant bright, winterish with unexpected flashes of summer light. This is where The Peryls find their footing, with big, silly feet – like a clown, or an elephant.

‘Elephants are big but easy to ignore.’ Ignore The Peryls at yours.

The Peryls Extraordinarium CD/ Download www.theperyls.com

Metamono photos by John Barrett

I

f you prefer your winters darker and strange imagine being on a rollercoaster on a wet Monday afternoon – in Cleethorpes. When out of the mist appears Mr Benn (yes, the nattily-dressed 1970s cartoon character), who sits down beside you and politely suggests an adventure: ‘By the way, do you like custard?’ Soon you’re in the middle of a film that you can’t quite picture, with Fred Harris as Chock-A-Block at the controls, attempting to tunnel to the back of beyond. This is what it feels like to listen to Metamono.

The Palace trio (two players and one ‘conscience’) have released their first album, With the Compliments of Nuclear Physics, and it’s cosmic. They find or make their own instruments, use only analogue sound production and recording, have a manifesto and are, well, trying to change the world. And with Fezgate and Linger Langour they might just be getting somewhere.

It’s trippy, electronic-less electronica; full of sound and fury, signifying ... goodness knows. The album title is from a slip of paper found in a secondhand science book, hinting equally politely at the Blast! into time and space that will ensue.

‘I do them as well as I can to express what I want,’ says L.S Lowry, quoted in Blessed Space. They say it takes them about twenty minutes to make a track, composing and mixing simultaneously, and it does feel just like that: immediate, a moment in time. You need patience for this music, as well as a serious sense of fun. ‘Plums and custard wheels and dips with gratuitous, dolphin pleasure in an electric sea.’ It can be exhausting – double-vinyl, four distinct sides (the physical thing

I’m told is a joy to behold) – but the possibilities of their analogue experiment are endless. It is alienating, dense, provocative sound, and strangely alluring. Metamono are the Palace provocateurs.

99.5 years ago the Vorticists published the first edition of Blast! declaring that the past, present and future could collide: ‘We hunt machines, they are our favourite game. We invent them and then hunt them down.’ Metamono live somewhere in this Vortex and continue its cosmic collision. They also owe a debt to German Dada, in particular to Kurt Schwitters’ use of found object in collage. Found sound and cultural recycling are ripe pickings for our very own Transition Town. Schwitters, I think, is the spirit of Metamono.

He ended his days in England. I wonder if he ever nipped down the Palace? Germania is elsewhere too: Kraftwerk, yes, but also Cluster and Faust. I write this sitting in a cafe in the Schwabing district of Munich. It is perfect Metamono territory. Here Kandinsky, Klee, Wedekind, Lenin, all knocked knees or played chess; while Dada’s Hugo Ball invented noise: In Metamono’s words, ‘yestermorrow, today.’

Metamono With the Compliments of Nuclear Physics Double Vinyl/Cassette/Download Instrumentarium Records www.metamono.com 63

Astrofact I have to handle my Crystal Balls with great care as they're full of too much prediction.

If they burst I'll be drenched in the future.

SAGITTARIUS The Archer

Nov 22 - Dec 21 Retrograde Mercury precipitates a tricuspal preconjunction with Saturn in the bowel of Aries which categorically suggests Santa does not exist. Yeah kids, the heavens have spoken. Incinerate the presents and bin the dinner. Your stinging tears may just subside in time for Easter but immutable Mars reliably informs me that Jesus never existed either so forget about all the sweet-filled choccy eggs too.

SCORPIO The Hunter

VIRGO

Oct 24 - Nov 21 Planetary stuff indicates that you will see a bright star in the night sky and feel compelled to follow it, much as the three wise men supposedly did two thousand and thirteen years ago, but in your car. Although you drive well in excess of the speed limit for some time, it seems to remain the same distance away! Not very wise was it? At least the wise men had the sense to give up and pronounce the nearest random kid in a pig trough the son of God. You just got three points on your licence!

LIBRA The Scales

Sep 23 - Oct 23 Mercury gets cosmostrologically lodged right up your cusp on the 24th which means a family matter comes to a head. So in the aftermath of a failing relationship you go totally ballistic at your toddler whilst Christmas shopping in Sainsbury’s crisps and biscuits’ aisle.

Foam-mouthed screaming of proper potty-mouthed obscenities surrounded by a huge and judgmental parental flashmob. Nasty.

LEO The Lion

Jul 23 - Aug 22 A slightly turbulent festive season after the elliptic equinoxal opposition of Gemini. Leo lions roar at the children to flee before lying in wait to tear the soft flesh from Santa, then devour all the Christmas food raw, and steal all the presents from under the tree. Then, as sirens approach, you jump from a secondstorey window through the garage roof and make your escape across wasteland. After sprinting to your secret den in the woods, you lick your wounds and open all the gifts. A beard trimmer! You rule! A winner yet again!

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The Virgin

Aug 23 - Sep 22 The surface gravity on Saturn is about 74% of the gravity on Earth. The Moon enters your aspect a bit and Venus is 374 degrees hot at its surface.

These combined heavenly factors suggest to me that directly after the festive season is the opportune moment to get into shape. You are further persuaded by the fact that next week, as you approach a seated friend, to them your head looks like a vast pockmarked Moon rising above a seemingly endless flesh horizon on Planet Flab.

CANCER The Crab

Jun 21 - Jul 22 You are prone to eating disorders and may be tempted by Festive Bulimia shortly after enjoying the seasonal spread.

Rather than heave your roast turkey, goose-fat roasties, pigs in blankets, chestnut stuffing, seasonal vegetables and gravy (and more turkey, roasties, pigs in blankets and stuffing and gravy and then Christmas pudding and custard and then mince pies and cream), you need to man up! Swallow and mean it. Who cares if Christmas excess leaves you with a body like a giant fermenting Haggis and a face like a burst pie? It’s everyone else’s shared destiny too.

TAURUS

The Twins

The Bull

ARIES The Ram

May 22 - Jun 21

Apr 21 - May 21

Mar 22 - Apr 20

Due to a multiple conjunction between Neptune (descendant) and Venus (in transit), your nose itches thirteen times this month. This is celestially unlucky so give it a really good pick on the 19th and store the contents. Then clean out all family members’ earwax before the Luna equinox of the 22nd. Combine the collected materials with your belly button fluff to mould a tiny bearded Santa figurine. Keep in the fridge and then use to complete a unique table centre on Christmas Day. Good fortune will be restored for the coming year.

In July 1994, the first ever observed collision between two objects in the solar system saw the Comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 collide with Jupiter after becoming ensnared and torn apart by the gas giant’s immense gravity.

As an explicit and undeniable result of this, over the festive season almost nineteen years later, your partner imparts a candid opinion of you that is brutal in its sincerity and straight from the heart. You thump them.

There are the kinds of gifts that arrive in fancy gift paper and ribbon and then there are the astrological gifts of knowing and understanding your destiny. The solar system is 4.6 billion years old so the planets had no people’s lives to influence for roughly 4.45 billion years. It is little wonder then that they love to manipulate us so much especially at this time of year. And so to your chart: money becomes an issue on the 27th because you run out.

CAPRICORN

PISCES

AQUARIUS

The Haddock

The Water Carrier

The Goat(ee)

Feb 22 - Mar 21

Jan 21 - Feb 21

Dec 22 - Jan 20

As a creative Piscenarian, this year you are being pressured by feisty little Mercury to put more of an effort into Christmas present presentation. Wrap their gifts in haslet and luncheon meat tied with Parma ham ribbons for a Lady Gaga style. Other celebrity hints to make your presents look similarly unattractive include glueing on collected barber floor hair for a Brian Blessed offering or emulate Strictly celebs by stuffing your offerings into tacky silver satin Santa sacks.

Use Saturn’s influence to help you avoid eating ghastly Christmas fart grenades by rolling all your Brussels sprouts in glue and then glitter instead to create some extremely low quality baubles. Nevertheless, general gluttony still brings audible trapped wind and consequently beware the embarrassing passage of a large gas giant on the afternoon of the 25th. Sit near the dog or an incontinent relative.

You Capricornians are the solar system’s super chefs so for the perfect homemade Christmas feast this year the planets recommend roasting TV’s tasty Kirsty Allsopp. Simply remove handmade jewellery, give her a thorough plucking and stuff, then it’s gas mark six for seven hours. After roasting, draw off her juices to reduce whilst you rest the meat. Garnish with braised ‘sweetbreads de Phil’ and serve.

Mastication, Mastication, Mastication.

Christmas Day Celebrity Birthdays: Sir Isaac Newton Apple fell on him head and means gravity and that means we all sticky to planet not falling offy Shane MacGowan Shout/talk singing, how come he’s not dead yet?

Pickled gummy plastic paddy booze puddle

Humphry Bogart Bacall-bonking only said ‘play it’ not ‘again Sam’. Here’s looking at you Bogeyfaced fag dangler Sissy Spacek Scary Carrie/Straight Story actress plus supersonic speech sufferers lisp situation

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Astrofact: Astrologically speaking, the waxing crescent Moon phase of the lunar cycle is the perfect time to purchase a Gimp.

GEMINI

A festive poem by Pip Irkin - Hall

INVISIBLE MAN

BY ECONOMY CUSTARD

On every day of Christmas, these few things are decree: Twelve rubbish socks Eleven festive chocs Ten hungry rellys Nine hours of telly Eight pants in medium Seven hours of tedium.

Six meals brings:

Five………

Ring……..

Stings!

Foreign electronics Three Gin and tonics Two proper gifts and a fart hidden near the fake tree.

@ ECONOMYCUSTARD | ECONOMYCUSTARD.CO.UK 66

© SIMON SHARVILLE 2013

WHATS ON CHRISTMAS FESTIVAL AT ST CHRISTOPHER’S HOSPICE

Saturday, 30 November, 2013 - 11:00 to 15:00 St Christopher’s Hospice, Sydenham This year’s Christmas Festival will be on Saturday 30 November 2013.

The event will include festive stalls, entertainment, refreshments, prizes, and of course a visit from Father Christmas

FOLK OF THE WOOD Friday 20 DECEMBER 2013 CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! London's foremost folk family Shadrack Tye + tunes from The Green Ravens, dancing with Ceilidh Tree and a few chrimbo surprises! Mulled wine, soup, cider, ale on sale... Doors 7.30pm BOOK TICKETS Friday 17 JAN Hoping to tempt along folk-rockers HOT FEET, sea shanty pirates THE SALTS and romany inspired gypsy jazzers the KAMAO QUINTET... www.folkofthewood.co.uk

GIPSY HILL TAVERN Paul Young's band Los Pacaminos coming to play at Gipsy Hill Tavern on Saturday 30 November with tickets available in advance from behind the bar or WeGotTickets.com or £10. www.facebook.com/gipsyhilltavern

THE OLD NUN'S HEAD,

Nunhead, SE15 Sunday 8 December Seasonal Singaround at The Old Nun’s Head

ST JOHN THE EVANGELIST

Auckland Rd Upper Norwood LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD Parish pantomime in the Parish Hall Friday 6 Dec at 7.30pm Saturday 7 Dec at 7.30pm Sunday matinee 8 Dec at 3pm Tickets £8 Adults, £3 Children, £20 Family Ticket (2 adults & 2 children) available from The Wicked Witch or West Wickham 020 8771 6725 margaretstephens@btinternet.com

ST LUKES CHURCH

WEST NORWOOD WINTER LIGHTS West Norwood Feast Team Saturday 7 December 4pm to 8pm

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WHATS ON SOUTH LONDON THEATRE See page 59 for contact details THE PIPER – An SLT Original Christmas Production Thurs 12 - Sat 14 / Tues 17 - Sat 21 December at 7.30pm. Sat 14, Sun15 and Sat 21 December matinees at 2.30pm Ticket prices: Guests £12 Guest concessions £9

DULWICH PICTURE GALLERY Children’s Puppet Show Small Fables Saturday 7 December at 10.15 am - 11.45 am Parents and Children £5 each Well-known fables performed with hand shadow puppets, lively story-telling, magical lighting effects.

Fruit in the interval for the children.

GalleryFilm for kids Hugo Sunday 1 December 3.45 pm £5 Directed by Martin Scorsese, with Jude Law, Christopher Lee, Frances de la Tour.

Set in 1930’s Paris, Hugo lives in the walls of a train station and is wrapped up in a mystery involving his late father and an automaton.

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Transmitter Directoire...

To place an advert, email sales@thetransmitter.co.uk or call 020 8771 5543

SPRING

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PUBLISH AND BE DAMNED : PART 3 HOWARD MALE ON HIS EXCITING, FRUSTRATING AND OCCASIONALLY EMBARRASSING FIRST YEAR AS A SELF-PUBLISHED AUTHOR

ecently a friend exclaimed, ‘So the book’s a success. You must be delighted?’ Well, Yes and No (to both presumptions). The year began thrillingly enough with a private message on Facebook from David Bowie’s producer, Tony Visconti. He loved the book and wanted to meet ‘for a cuppa’ the next time he was in London. He gave me a great quote, so all I had to do now was capitalise on his approval and shift some units.

This of course is where the No part comes in. I only sold 20 copies as a direct result of Visconti proclaiming to his 6000 Facebook friends that my book was the best novel he’d read in a decade. I tried milking my good reviews on social media sites. Result: pitiful.

This was going to be harder than I thought. The first real sales boost came through an Amazon promotion.

Amazon choose a sale price for the kindle file of the book and put the book in that month’s recommended books for under £2.99. Because I’m an unknown writer they priced it at just 99p. But to my astonishment I sold more than 2000 during the month of the offer.

The Amazon reviews started to trickle in. The majority were surprisingly positive and sometimes touchingly personal. One reader even said that the book had made her question her Christian faith.

Another proclaimed that he’d read all 412 pages in a single day even though he was normally a 20-minutesbefore-bedtime kind of reader. He seemed as surprised by this as I was. And then there was the ItalianAmerican woman who proclaimed that she was going to translate the whole book into Italian for her sister because she wanted her to read it so much.

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But it soon became clear that it didn’t matter how many rave reviews I had, without the clout of a mainstream publisher – securing interviews and getting the book in bookshops – the majority of its potential readers weren’t even going to know it existed. Readers weren’t going to come to me, so I’d have to go to them: I’d have to do some reading/signing events.

They say things are never as bad as you think they’ll be. They are wrong. In October I was invited to partake in the first Wood Green Literary Festival to discuss Rock Stars in Fiction with rising author and non-fiction rock star, Jim Bob. Early signs were good: 50 tickets sold soon after the event was announced. But then the date was changed. And then the venue was changed.

Jim Bob and I ended up facing 15 people sparsely scattered around an atmosphere-devoid canteen. The nail in the coffin was that we only had one microphone.

The ensuing ‘conversation’ was one of the most faltering and painful I’ve ever been involved in, coming first-equal with the one when my father told me, aged 13, while I was in the bath, that even though James Bond had sex with lots of women, James Bond was escapist fantasy so I wasn’t to follow his example.

So that’s my Yes and No update. Visconti has continued to be actively supportive. He recently informed me that a certain friend of his with the initials DB now has the book, ‘in a pile of must-read books he is getting through.’ In the meantime I’m immersing myself in the next one while tentatively hoping for a breakthrough next year. I raise my coffee mug to every other struggling writer doing the same.

Etc Etc Amen is available from the Bookseller Crow

ILLUSTRATION BY KARIN DAHLBACKA