The Transmitter Issue 32

A SOUTH EAST LONDON MAGAZINE www.thetransmitter.co.uk

ISSUE 32 Summer 2014

AL CRYSTCE PALA AL V FESTGIE GUIDE 12-PA

Shades on it’s getting hot out there!

BOOKS • CYCLING • FASHION • FOOD • GARDENING • MUSIC • NEWS

WELCOME to the Summer issue ...

Editor Andy Pontin Sub-Editor Annette Prosser Designer Simon Sharville Photographers Catrin Arwel Louise Haywood-Schiefer Connie May Andy Pontin Writers Justine Crow Mike Fairbrass Jessica Johnson Jonathan Main Howard Male Bob Townley Sue Williams Printed by Buxton Press Published by Transmission Publications PO Box 53556, London SE19 2TL www.thetransmitter.co.uk editor@thetransmitter.co.uk 07530 450925 @thetransmitter Cover Model wears items from The Suzy Menkes Collection Auction For details see page 46 Photo: Andy Pontin

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ell, the floods have subsided and it’s summertime again.

Our own little Glasto will be popping up in Westow Park and there are loads of wonderful things to do around the Triangle and beyond during the long festival weekend. There’s live music, comedy, films, food, drink and even a magical sprite village so, whatever your bent, there’s bound to be something up your alley. Your Transmitter includes a complete guide to all the fun on pages 29-40.

Crystal Palace continues to swell with new swells and we wondered if some of our new friends to the area might be interested in a bit of history, so we visited two museums that have loads of stuff about the engineering boffins that made the original Crystal Palace a reality.

Our favourite West Norwood friends – and regular advertisers, thank you! – Rosebery’s are auctioning items from Suzy Menkes’s wardrobe at the end of the month: have a peek at some of the absolutely fabulous fashion pieces that you could own on pages 42-48. To welcome two new businesses to the Triangle we’ve got a second fashion shoot for your delectation, showcasing new emporium Crystal Palace Vintage and Antenna’s American Diner on pages 20-23.

And how could we let you miss our regular features: Sue Williams took a butcher’s at Chelsea Flower Show; Bob Townley is riding a Scandinavian sportive; Jonathan Main has been reading everything in sight so he can recommend the best for us; Mystic Mike is peering into our future (it’s not a pretty sight) and Howard Male presents another episode of There’s a World Cup Out There (is that right? - Ed) Have a wonderful summer

Disclaimer The views expressed by contributors are theirs alone and do not necessarily reflect this magazine’s editorial policy or the views of any employee of Transmission Publications. So there.

AL T S Y R C PALACEAL V FESTGIE GUIDE 12-PA

Contents Regulars FOOD 25 Justine visits The Crystal Palace Market for some nosh FASHION 42 We strike a pose wearing Vogue International Editor Suzy Menkes’ togs GARDENING 50 Sue didn’t want to go to Chelsea.

But then she went.

Features 8 THE ITALIAN JOB Summer in the city = hello gelato!

11 MEMORY PALACE Crystal Palace’s lovely little museum 14 A BIT OF BRUNEL Rotherhithe’s lovely little museum

CYCLING 52 Bob’s on his bike in Sweden MUSIC 54 Howard feels the vibes BOOKS 56 Dem books, dem books, dem books

18 SUMMER WELL-BEING Feel good, look good people!

20 AMERICAN DINER Hawaiian shirts & milkshakes at our new Fifties hangout 29 CRYSTAL PALACE OVERGROUND FESTIVAL GUIDE Everything you need to know

THE [UN]FUNNIES 58 LOL WHAT’S ON 62 Attractions and distractions 3

News & Events

Boules, bombs and a bear

TENSION BUILDS

Hey! The boules season is in full swing. Our little tournament was inundated with teams applying to join (no, really) so we had better make the darn thing even bigger next season! It has been great to see all the local bods (and a few ringers up from Sydenham – you know who you are!) chucking their balls about with varying levels of expertise (mostly no expertise whatsoever). The sterling hard graft put in by the Friends of Westow Park made it all possible, so big thanks to Cathy Henchion, Don McKenzie (pictured in white jacket pointing authoritatively) and the rest of the team. Finals day is Thursday 26 June – as part of the general Crystal Palace Overground Festival fun – so do come along, have a beer or three and try to distract the players. There will be two semi-finals from around 6pm and the final around 8pm.

BEAR IN THE COMMUNITY

Croydon scouts could barely contain their excitement at the beginning of May when Bear Grylls (Chief Scout) and Steve Backshall helicoptered in to support them at a survival weekend taking place in Pinewood Croydon. All the traditional scouting skills were put to the test including preparing fresh rabbit and fish for the pot, and building camp fires and rafts.

One of those taking part was teenager Lilee Hardy-Sin, a scout since the age of 7, who has been selected from 2,000 Croydon and South East London applicants to attend the 2015 World Jamboree in Japan, meeting up with 32,000 other scouts from around the world. If you’d like to help Lilee with vital fundraising visit her web page justgiving.com/Lilee-Hardy-Sin

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SYDENHAM SOLDIERS SING

Sydenham Arts Festival, 5-20 July, as always is choc-full of fantastic stuff from visual arts, music, comedy, film, art, theatre, film and spoken word to workshops and family events. To commemorate this year’s anniversary of the Great War, Til the Boys Come Home, the festival’s most ambitious project to date, is set to be a highlight.

A four-part, four-location musical drama, it tells the true story of the 408 workers of Sydenham’s South Suburban Gas Company, 58 of whom died during the war. Each of the four performances, spread throughout the month, are standalone productions: viewed as a whole they will offer a powerful and thorough insight into the impact the conflict had upon this specific South London community.

Various local groups have been brought together by in-house theatre company Spontaneous Productions to create the work, which offers diverse views of life at the time and illustrates the various ways it was experienced by different kinds of people.

FREE but booking essential. www.sydenhamartsfestival.co.uk

SHARE IN THE COMMUNITY

As part of the nationwide project highlighted in our spring Transmitter, SE19 now has its very own Fun Palace. This community-led project will eventually culminate in a weekend of artistic and scientific events on 4-5 October but to get it all going it needs people (you, me, us) to collaborate and decide what these events will actually be. If you fancy the sound of it so far, pop along to their first experiment on Sunday 22 June: a walk en masse through Crystal Palace featuring chat, refreshments and exchange of information. If you’ve got something to say all the better, but it’s fine to just be there and listen too.

WHERE IN THE COMMUNITY

Well, that was the question on everyone’s lips: where was Seymour? If you haven’t already heard the good news, Seymour the exotic is alive & well and happily curled up asleep (probably) at home right now this minute. Eventually reunited with his loving family thanks to two independently set-up facebook pages (one lost moggy, one found moggy) it seems he may have had quite an experience, having possibly travelled out of the area under the bonnet of a neighbour’s car. We’re thinking a blockbuster movie. Any takers?

www.crystalfunpalace.co.uk @cpfunpalace

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Trading Places New shops, new skills

RUMOUR MILL

The Transmitter Rumour Mill has been grinding away mucho lately with stories of all kinds of incoming ‘up-market’ chains reaching our ears. We hear that posh Italian deli Valentina may be arriving on Westow Street (hooray … unless you sell cheese and wine, then boo obviously); that Costafortune may be churning out coffee from ex-Words & Pictures on Westow Street (yawn, boo ...); and that Oliver Boners has been negotiating with the owners of the erstwhile Cambridge pub (boo … and don’t be carrying your OB bags into SBW or you’ll get a hard stare). Nickin’ Chickin, an American fast food outlet that has caused quite a stir over the pond, is also rumoured to be taking over the chicken shop next to the Albert Pub on Westow Hill. The company employs only blind persons behind the counters, where the southern fried chicken is displayed as a ‘serve yourself’ buffet. It is left to customers’ own moral sensibilities as to whether or not they leave an appropriate sum of money in the ‘donation’ boxes. Boycotted in some US states they may ruffle a few feathers here too.

One thing we do know for sure (because we’ve seen the big banner) is that there’s a new weekend market in town. Westow Street Market, championed

by East Dulwich refugees (their loss, our gain) Crystal Palace Vintage are looking for designery, arty, vintagey, foodie types if anyone out there fancies a stall. On a final note, don’t panic, Training Points haven’t upped and left us and our untoned bodies to fend for ourselves, but have simply relocated into lovely new studios in Coopers Yard, leaving their former Church Road home for repro vintage boutique Violet Betty’s to relocate up to the Triangle.

MAKING & BAKING

Two new classes have started up in the locale. If baking’s your thing, beginners or experts will find something to suit their skill-level at Eat and Mess whose founder – pastry chef and artisan baker Kate Mooney – promises their courses are not only informative but properly hands-on too. Two Sculptors, Rob and Ezra, are offering classes in, yes you’re on fire today, sculpture! Weekend and evening classes throughout the summer will teach you everything you’ve always wanted to know about stone and wood carving but were afraid to ask. All tools and materials are provided. www.eatandmess.com www.twosculptors.com

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THE ITALIAN JOB

Photos by Louise Haywood-Schiefer Jessica Johnson licks her lips and tucks in to an extra scrummy summer treat

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t’s heating up in Crystal Palace Park. Newspaperstrewn blankets dot the grassy slopes and fields, tennis balls sail through the air for someone else to catch and happily-lazing locals are all vying for a piece of weekend sunshine. It smells a lot like sun lotion. Hell, even the dinosaurs are looking perky. There just seems to be one missing ingredient: ice-cream – or rather a scoop of gelato, if you will.

Crystal Creams, a micro-amble from Palace greenery, is fast becoming the area’s one-stop-shop for Italian-style ice-cream, freshly made crepes and real Belgian waffles, filled with all manner of delicious fillings. As owner Julian Cafun explains, gelato (the Italian word for ice-cream) is lighter in texture than your average pot of Haagen Dazs, with less than half the fat to boot (think more milk, less cream). This yields an intense flavour without the overcreamy after taste. ‘It’s a healthier option than normal ice-cream and the quality is better, too,’ says Julian. If it’s good enough for the Italians…

Inside, the chiller is a feast for the eyes. It’s like being a spectator at Wimbledon: one second you’re in the grip of a Raspberry Sorbet, then it’s eyes right, and you’re weighing up a scoop of posh new arrival Cherry Bakewell, laced with ribbons of sauce. Then there’s the bright blue Bubblegum (current teen favourite), or might it be a Ferrero Rocher kind of day? Stabbed with the trademark nutty clusters, the flavour has become the shop’s most popular scoop, followed by Salted Caramel in close second. Extra nuts with that? Go on then.

For Julian, it’s always been about the classic stracciatella, and lots of hard work. Not only does he make each and every one of the sorbets and gelatos from scratch in the shop, he also juggles the job around

full-time hours as a prison officer. A night shift at Crystal Creams can often finish in the early hours of the morning yet produce 24 fresh containers of gelato for the chiller.

After pasteurising the milk and preparing each base, Julian then adds fresh fruits, biscuits, chocolate or nuts and some essential binding agents before batch-freezing the mixes for as little as 15 minutes each. The zippy production process is essential for larger scale events such as the Palace’s Overground Festival where, for the second year running this summer, you can pick up a cone, cup or crepe on the go.

Along with siblings Estelle and Justin, the Cafuns purchased the shop in 2011, fulfilling a lifelong passion for ice-cream and creating a sustainable family business that would feed back into the community they all grew up in. Three years on, the shop is part of a burgeoning hub of independent eateries (hello El Grillo) which, collectively, promise to mirror the revival of community trade, spirit and spend galvanised by shops a little further up the hill.

‘I’ve seen a lot of changes over the years but the businesses on this street are very close-knit – people help us, and we treat them in return with a cup of ice-cream,’ says Julian, who has plans to expand the business, link up with local restaurants and experiment with new riffs on the frozen classics. Gelato lollies and waffles on a stick? Follow them on twitter for developments and new flavours. Even better, go and eat gelato while the sun still shines.

Crystal Creams 69 Anerley Road www.crystalcreams.co.uk @CrystalCreamsL 9

Jonathan Main visits the Crystal Palace Museum, home to a modest but compelling collection

Memory Palace A few paces away from the the park-side entrance to the Crystal Palace museum, towards the top of Anerley Hill, is a tall piece of greenish metal that could be, and often is, mistaken for a flag pole by commuters who pass by daily on their way to and from the station. It is the last remaining piece of the Crystal Palace.

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The museum itself is housed in the last surviving building built by the Crystal Palace Company (circa 1870) and was used as classrooms for the Crystal Palace School of Engineering until 1914. Geoffrey De Havilland, aviation pioneer and aircraft engineer, studied here as did H.S.F Morgan, later of the eponymous motorcar company, who may or may not have designed his first three-wheeler sitting at one of the desks.

The museum was opened twenty-four years ago on 17 June 1990 and is a testament to the efforts of a group of local enthusiasts whose enterprise towards the project, collecting exhibits, classifying and then cataloging them all on a voluntary basis - stretches back as far as 1979.

It is a modest display certainly, but it manages to impart both the amazing scale of the exercise – transporting the world’s first flat-pack building across London and re-building in just two years – and also the spectacle that it would become. A notice at the entrance claims 98,000,000 people visited the site over the course of its lifetime. Clearly it was no Millennium Dome.

Around the walls the story of the Palace from construction to inferno unfolds in photographs. Glass cases hold articles and curios, china and glass. One display is dedicated to the pyrotechnic displays, which at the time were state of the art and often depicted recent military or maritime history. Other displays included daytime ‘paper’ fireworks.

Another display cabinet (all of which, incidentally, were acquired from the V&A) houses pictures and memorabilia

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from some of the more curious sporting pastimes practised in the grounds, motorcycle darts anyone?

As well as the more serious sports of football and cricket, W G Grace not only led a team here, but also founded the Crystal Palace bowls club, which continues today at the bottom of Anerley Hill.

Another case holds the rib of an elephant called Charlie, a member of George Sanger’s Winter Circus of 1900, who unfortunately and infamously had to be put down after killing his keeper – in fairness to Charlie, the keeper had been goading him on. The rib turned up more than 100 years later above the doorway of a cottage in Somerset.

In the centre of the museum, which is by no means a small room, is a model of the Crystal Palace. Next to the south tower, for scale, is a model of the present museum building which looks, frankly, tiny. It sits next to what must have been both a huge and vast edifice of iron and glass, the experience of which to visit - or to live in the shadow of - has never been, nor probably ever will be, replicated anywhere in the world.

Crystal Palace Museum Anerley Hill London SE19 2BA Admission Free Open Saturday and Sunday 11am-4pm www.crystalpalacemuseum.org.uk

From Saturday 7 June a special audio/visual display exhibition will feature at the museum to mark the 160th anniversary of the official opening of the Crystal Palace by Queen Victoria that took place on the 10 June 1854. Visitors will be able to experience the Victorian ceremony as if they were there. The exhibition is on until the end of July and admission is free.

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A BIT OF T

he Victorians were globally renowned for their engineering and architectural projects and there is one figure, invariably portrayed in an austere stove-pipe hat against an unlikely backdrop of fantastically gigantic chains, who had more than a hand in many of the emblems that represent the era’s innovation and industry.

Isambard Kingdom Brunel helped develop the world’s first propeller driven iron ship, was chief engineer of the Great Western Railway controversially leading the way with the standard gauge track, and designed the recordbreaking Clifton suspension bridge as well as London’s iconic Paddington Station. He also developed a system for building pre-fabricated temporary structures that could be transported great distances before construction, the template for flat-packs if you like.

So it stands to reason that he was also deeply involved with the plans for the Great Exhibition in Hyde Park and the vast hall that was to accommodate all the evidence of Britain’s imperial superiority, even submitting his own design for a pavilion. Eventually though it was the two water towers – marking the north and south transepts of the Crystal Palace when it was transferred to Sydenham – which bore his name. The story goes that the towers’ original architect got his calculations wrong and Brunel had all the necessary attributes to take over. Ostensibly erected to enable the function of the park’s stunning fountains and cascades, significantly they also served as smoke flues. The towers survived the fire that destroyed our eponymous neighbourhood motif but not Hitler’s beady ambition because the Brits beat him to it: the South tower was taken down for safety reasons but the North tower was deliberately blown up, supposedly to prevent the Luftwaffe using it to navigate.

But it was for navigable tunneling that Brunel’s fame first spread. Having completed an education in Northern France, he worked for some years as an assistant engineer before undertaking the astonishing, some said foolhardy,

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Photos by Connie May

Justine Crow takes a trip on the Overground to find a museum celebrating the country’s best known engineer

BRUNEL proposition to create a tunnel that passed under the mighty river Thames, and he very nearly drowned in the process. Others certainly did sacrifice their lives to the tunnel which, when it finally opened in 1843, was described as the Eighth Wonder of the World.

Situated at Rotherhithe, at its head is the compellingly informative Brunel Museum, seamlessly accessible from our very own Crystal Palace station since 2010 when Brunel’s ingenious tunnel became part of the Overground railway network. In a mere twenty minutes you can be standing in the Grand Entrance Hall on the very spot where the country’s greatest engineer nearly died. The museum, a scheduled ancient monument, tells the story of the tunnel and accompanying Rotherhithe Shaft.

There are guided descents of the Grand Entrance Hall, more guided train tours through the tunnel and, on rare occasions, thanks to the engineering works that annoy the heck out of everyone when they halt all action on the Overground, ticketed walks of this miracle feat. With a gift shop and café and many evocative photographic depictions and artifacts conjuring up Kingdom Brunel’s incredible achievements, it is difficult to comprehend how one person can fit in so many historically tangible legacies without growing old.

And if you are minded to make the trip on the Overground from the Palace museum to Rotherhithe, be sure to treat yourself to the other hidden jewels of that part of the Thames Path. In particular The Mayflower pub on the site of a long-established inn, renamed after the very ship that set sail from Rotherhithe to be kitted out at Southampton before sailing on to the new world.

The area is home to the Sands Films Studios too (with cinema and canteen) that also oversees the improbable Rotherhithe Picture Research Library, a picturesque, heavy-beamed reference collection freely available to anybody (what an extraordinary notion). When we visited, we bee-lined the hand-compiled ‘scrapbooks’ arranged

subject by intriguing subject in charming analogue detail, from ‘Architecture – bandstands’ to ‘Furniture – chairs, English:1900-’, and my favourite, ‘Domestic Utensils – entrees and tureens’. Of course, we found what we were looking for: a photograph of two smug-looking stove-pipes against Paxton’s freshly-resurrected, gloriously-glazed palace at Sydenham. Who knows, one of them might have been Isambard himself.

The Brunel Museum Railway Ave London SE16 Open every day 10am-5pm www.brunel-museum.org.uk The Rotherhithe Picture Research Library St Marychurch Street London SE16 Open weekdays 10am-4pm www.sandsfilms.co.uk/Rprl.html

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Although traditionally Team Transmitter prefer to loaf about during the summer months as much as possible – probably getting too much sun and drinking too much beer – there’s a new collective of local businesses in town who would like us to pay a bit more attention to all our seasonal beauty, health & fitness needs. For those of you who already Live Like This, see how many of their tips you can tick off your list. And for the rest of us, well sit up straight and pay attention to members of The Crystal Palace Beauty, Health and Fitness Triangle please, you might learn something useful ...

SUMMER

WELL-BEING REBECCA HEATH

Nutritionist and founder of RMH NutritioN says: during lovely warm days, it’s vital to keep properly hydrated. Cans of sugary pop may quench our thirst temporarily but it’s counterproductive in the long run • avoid heavily sugared soft drinks in hot temperatures as they can dehydrate you further • our kidneys are responsible for keeping our blood clean and balanced – if they’re hit with a huge stream of sugar, more of the body’s valuable water stores are subsequently used up to filter out the excess • plain water is the healthiest option but water-rich fruits and vegetables such as melon, cucumber and tomatoes can also count towards your daily water intake • t ake advantage of locally-grown, in-season produce, which we miss out on throughout the rest of the year • Brits typically suffer from vitamin D deficiencies due to our short summers and general lack of sunlight; but we need it, particularly to help prevent osteoporosis (brittle and fragile bones) and multiple sclerosis (an autoimmune disease) • as little vitamin D is obtained from food sources be sure to take your lunch break outside, take the family to the park and soak up – safely – some nutritious sunshine 18

MARY LOBO

LOUISE HEYWOOD

LYNDSY KIRKMAN

JAYNE RUSSELL

Skincare consultant at Beautywise says: the sun makes us feel brighter by boosting our serotonin levels, but it is best enjoyed in moderation • don’t overlook the most important aspect of preparing for the good weather: sun protection • don’t underestimate the strength of the sun: even short bursts of exposure can cause damage to our skin’s DNA • from 10am-4pm use a broad spectrum (UVA & UVB) sunscreen with a minimum SPF 30. You will still achieve a tan with a high SPF! • as soon as you feel your skin burning, or see it going red, cover up; burning your skin just once every two years can triple the risk of melanoma • babies should not be exposed to direct sunlight and children should wear a hat • sunscreen should be reapplied every two hours and always after swimming • keep hydrated and take breaks out of the sunshine too

Massage therapist at My Community Spa says: massage, whether a deep tissue aromatherapy, a Balinese sleep inducer or a quick Thai foot massage, is an effective mood-lifter which both rejuvenates and relaxes • repetitive tissue manipulation encourages the release of endorphins • essential oils moisturise and repair cellular skin damage • relieves muscular tension, alleviates stress, increases mental clarity and reduces anxiety • c an moderate the symptoms of common medical conditions such as asthma, arthritis and high blood pressure (which can all be exacerbated during warmer weather) • seek medical advice from your GP before choosing which treatment (especially during pregnancy) • specific therapies especially suitable for mums-to-be are emerging

Check out Louise’s work in our fashion shoot pages 42 to 48

Make-up artist says: you don’t need to sunbathe to achieve a golden glow. Follow these bronzing powder tips: • avoid bronzing powders with too much shimmer, stick to a shade only one or two shades darker than your natural skin tone • t he three secrets are: contour, highlight and blush • a fter applying sunscreen and a little concealer, add a touch of cream highlighter to the top of the cheek bones and brow bone • f ollow this with a light dusting of powder all over so the bronzing powder goes on evenly • l ightly shade under your cheekbones and in the eye socket with the bronzer •b lend carefully around the temples and the centre of the forehead, then add a little bronzer on and under your chin and over your nose • make sure your face isn’t darker than your body: dust a little bronzer down the centre of your neck and over your chest too

Massage and nutritional therapist specialising in pregnancy and babies, and founder of Nom Nom skincare says: gaining adequate vitamin D during pregnancy is important for your baby’s developing bones and teeth as well as providing long-term benefits to their immune system • exposure to sunlight is an important factor in building up your stores but it is essential to protect your skin whilst doing so • tomatoes provide a rich source of lycopene shown to reduce the damage from sunburn with sun-protective properties • adding tomato paste to the daily diet improves the skin’s ability to protect against harmful UV rays: increase your amount by adding tomato puree to pasta sauces and pizzas • t ry a Mediterranean sauce of olive oil, onion, butternut squash, carrots, vegetable stock and tomato paste (plus a little sugar, oregano, sea salt & pepper), which also contains beneficial carotene •p uree this recipe for babies, replacing the stock with water and omitting the salt and sugar www.crystalpalacetriangle.co.uk @CP_Triangle 19

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Antenna’s American Diner 22 Westow Hill Crystal Palace SE19 1RX 0208 676 4316 www.antennadiner.co.uk @antennadiner Antenna Diner All clothes by Crystal Palace Vintage 35 Westow St Crystal Palace SE 19 3RW

American Diner Fans of the Fifties, there’s a shiny new diner in town. Frothy milkshakes, pancake mountains and fat, juicy burgers all await. And with its retro booths, chrome styling and Miami artwork it’s almost as cool as Henry Winkler himself

WEAR Black silk cowboy shirt with pink gun detail £40.00 1960s pink floral cotton sundress £45.00 Red French hunting handrolled silk scarf £25.00 EAT & DRINK Pancakes with bacon & maple syrup or fruit compote & fresh fruit £3.50 Waffles with banana & chocolate £3.50 Milkshake £4

Photos by Catrin Arwel www.catrinarwelphotography.com Styling by Alice Whiting Hair and make-up by Beth Roberts-Miller 21

WEAR Vintage black leather bomber jacket £75.00 Geoprint blouse by Clockhouse £25.00 Skirt and shoes stylist’s own Cowboy motif summer shirt £32.00 Vintage braces £25.00 Red silk scarf £20.00 White summer shoes £20.00 Trousers stylist’s own

WEAR Hawaiian shirts £32.00 Vintage braces £25.00 White summer shoes £20.00 Trousers stylist’s Own

EAT & DRINK Strawberry sundae @ £5 Milkshake £4

EAT & DRINK Pancakes with fruit compote & fresh fruit £3.50 Milkshake £4

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1960s baby blue top £25.00 Angel Jackson Handbag £95.00 Pink suit and shoes stylist’s own

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Photos by Andy Pontin

Justine Crow experiences the joys of delayed culinary gratification For sometime my ambition to eat my way around the Triangle has been thwarted. Accordingly, our quest to sample the long-awaited transformation of the unloved end of Church Road – most recently a noodle bar but many years hence, a camping shop of some repute – into a gastronomic cornerstone was stymied by its first week ‘jitters’. The deadline passed and the new establishment grew into its kitchen clogs while I dodged the traffic with many envious backward glances at the windows filled with punters, whose platters were in turn filled with food I had not yet tasted.

Meanwhile, the by no means bitter question that I found myself chewing over was: did our locally loved polygon street conurbation really need yet another place to eat?

After all, we have a couple of terrific top notch restaurants (names on application), several perfectly passable bistros

(any of which I’d be happy to fall into by mistake), at least two culinary disaster zones that you’d have to pay me in gold ingots to EVER set foot in EVER again, a plethora of popular places representing the Asian continent and three brilliant pubs serving way above average grub. Plus, a handful of reliable caffs, not to mention the chicken shops (though somebody else can review those). With a revamped Mexican and a 50s diner also appearing, apart from a completely uncompromising vegetarian boot-camp, what else could our urban wedge possibly require in the food dept? Finally, a year on, I am about to get an answer.

For the decor alone it was worth the wait. Spacious and unfussy, the alpine-style wooden table-tops are an unconscious nod to its bygone incarnation as purveyor of guy ropes and hiking boots, but evidence of its previous fast track oriental life have been completely eradicated – no language students eking out cheap egg-fried rice here. Creamily tiled throughout with a bar that begs to be sat at, we find ourselves right beside the open pass and a generous display of chilled fish. At this juncture it only seems fair to warn those vegetarians of our parish that their long wait for gastronomic titivation continues and any minute now, they may want to look away.

The menu is extraordinarily attractive for those fans of the flesh, especially the pescatorially minded. Page after page of delicious promises include British steak matured for 28 days, duck, lamb, skate, scallops, trout and mackerel as well as a very reasonably priced and diverse burger menu, afternoon tea, puddings, breakfast classics like Eggs Benedict and oceans of cocktails. Not that the vegetarian isn’t fully and interestingly catered for. As a fully paid up member of the allotment-as-lunch society I was tempted by the starter of white asparagus – or better still, artichoke, which is one of God’s own foods, with mozzarella – but I think it is fair to say that this is 26

somewhere you would come mainly to give your teeth and crackers a work out.

To this end, the naughty Bookseller, as ever the bowler of the curve ball, eschewed the burgers and ordered the lobster. That lobster in fact. Vegetarians? It is time to avert your gaze. That one with the wary pincer holding a price tag and giving us a wave. Ah, his shy adieu was brief.

The next time I looked, he was gone and the chef had glittering eyes.

But we had some Colchester Natives to tide us over, served with a punchy chopped tomato relish. Now, I’ve necked an awful lot of oysters from various coastlines in the past but as the Bookseller pointed out, the Native is ‘trouble-free’ and an absolute pleasure to get down, and it made me realise that I’d wasted my erstwhile bravery on too many mediocre snotty, briny mouthfuls. Then we swapped forkfuls of sea bass ceviche and carpaccio of salmon on crunchy ribbons of horseradish to ‘taste test’ the two differing methods of preparation.

We were being entertained by a combination of Goldfrapp and pleasing wafts of chargrill, laughter from the kitchen (always a good sign) and a glass or two of Pinot Blanc when the lobster made its glorious entrance.

Its meat sweet and more-ish, the Bookseller rummaged in its shell for ages but he was also absolutely seduced by the accompanying French fries – paper light and ethereal, every bite made the saucy man groan. Waiter?

Cold shower please. My whole plaice was cooked deftly and delivered on one of the ceramic glazed plates that were stacked in anticipation at the pass like clay Pringles; landed at Newhaven, it tasted too fresh to have been near the sea, and though the side order of Dauphinoise came with a curious tomato top, it was very satisfying. And by the way, if all spinach was drowned deliciously in garlic and cream like this, we’d have no problem getting the

nation to ingest its five-a-day. We might not cure heart disease however …

Not surprisingly, I can barely remember the dessert we shared. It wasn’t fancy or expensive. And after all that exercise with the crackers, the Bookseller had more of a calorific deficit than me anyway. Before coffee we got to go next door and preview the elegant and well-appointed shop floor that will soon – if after a year of signage going up the word ‘soon’ is appropriate – be selling meat and fish over the counter on a daily basis as well as (vegetarian spoiler alert) hanging it in the window the oldfashioned way.

Which begs another question. By coincidence, this restaurant’s namesake in Haynes Lane made its debut a year ago too, thankfully featuring a butcher and, later, a fishmonger. For us long-standing Triangulars, once upon a time sausages and a fresh catch were the norm in Upper Norwood, not a novelty (ditto fruit and veg). Take a look at the estate agents now ironically thriving on this dynamic independent atmosphere and have a guess where each of those traders used to be.

So, do we need more of the same? In my opinion, if the ‘Market at Crystal Palace’ does retail with as much heart and integrity as the market at Crystal Palace, then the answer is yes. Quality food? The more, the better.

And for those unbothered by local provenance, there’s always the supermarket (but please, please don’t argue it’s cheaper – a week’s vegetables from the market costs half that of a basket of plastic wrapped, shipped and refrigerated produce).

And as for the Triangle’s unloved corner of Church Road? I believe it is immeasurably improved by the arrival of this splendidly lengthy menu, those pristine tiles, some very good service and that dear ol’ lobster.

PS Hazlenut and caramel cheesecake!

The Crystal Palace Market 3-7 Church Road, London SE19 0203 475 7080 www.thecrystalpalacemarket.com 27

To place an advert, email sales@thetransmitter.co.uk or call 020 8771 5543 28

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LOTS TO Opposite page A smock-backed tea dress of violet moss crepe with deep button decollete and wrapped belt to the waist. Size 36.

Ossie Clark for Radley, 1970s Lot 868 Estimate £200-£300 Black and taupe checked dress with offset front buttoning to the bodice and floral design collar and short sleeves, labelled Kenzo Part of Lot 915 (4) All Kenzo Estimate £120-£180

Black mules by Yves St Laurent Part of Lot 925 (6) Shoes, including Prada and Yves St Laurent Estimate £80-£120

LOVE On 24 June, fashion and accessories from the personal wardrobe of acclaimed fashion journalist – and now international Vogue editor – Suzy Menkes will be up for grabs at Roseberys auctioneers Photos by Andy Pontin Styling by Liz Clamp Hair & Make-up by Louise Heywood

Opposite page A Pirate blouse of cream chiffon, wide gathered sleeves and crown and orb buttons to the wrists, Vivienne Westwood Part of Lot 914 Collection of fashion (5) Estimate £180-£220

A black leather fitted jacket, with button tab detail to the lapel and sloping front pockets, size 12, Norma Kamali Part of Lot 904 (5) Estimate £150-£200

A black wool long-line fitted collarless jacket, with embroidered detailing, 1990s, size medium labelled Yohji Yamamoto Part of Lot 907 (3) Jackets all Yohji Yamamoto Estimate £120-£180

A flapper-style beaded black crepe cocktail dress, 1970s, with shaped hem and silvered glass and clear bugle bead embellishment. Unlabelled.

Lot 870 Estimate £100-£150

Black cotton velvet skirt, Yves St Laurent Part of Lot 913 (6) A collection of clothing, 1980s. All Yves St Laurent Estimate £150-200 Shown with Vivienne Westwood Pirate blouse (see previous page)

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The Suzy Menkes Collection Auction Tuesday 24 June Roseberys The Old Chocolate Factory 74-76 Knights Hill London SE27 0JD Viewing is 1-5pm on Friday 20 June, 10am-2pm on Sunday 22 June, 9.30am-5.30pm on Monday 23 June and on the morning of the sale from 9am-9.45am Auction catalogue and more information at www.roseberys.co.uk

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Silk shirt-style jacket, ‘Plaza de Toros’ Christian Lacroix Part of Lot 898 (3) All Christian Lacroix Estimate £120-£180 Christian Lacroix swimsuit Part of Lot 930 Accessories including scarves, shawls and tote bags (quantity) Estimate £200-£300

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A silk deep two-tone pink and green top, with draped cowl neckline, front patch pockets and handkerchief hem, size 10, and a pair of similar colour way trousers, both Janice Wainwright Part of Lot 906 (5) Estimate ÂŁ200-ÂŁ300

© RHS / Justin Tallis

Sue Williams visits Chelsea for the first time

In

the interests of variety and derring-do, last month The Transmitter sent its horticultural reporter out into that shining beacon of the social calendar, the RHS Chelsea Flower Show. I’ve never been to the show before. It is not that I don’t want to go to Chelsea (sic Elvis Costello) but rather that I’ve never been organised enough to arrange a ticket. Also that there are dark rumours floating about of Disneyworldstyle queues and extortionate rippings off in all departments ... £17.50 for a glass of Pimms, surely not?

There was a touch of both these things but, all told, it was marvellous.

In recent years Chelsea proper seems to have become an ever gentrifying world of its own, peopled by rich, slim and perfectly-highlighted blonde folk who mill round Sloane Square and the King’s Road where high-end shops are gradually edging out the quirky independent retailers. Well, for five days in May it’s all change.

Coachload upon coachload of the good denizens of Middle England charge forth into the showground, hell-bent on fun, food and a very tall delphinium. I was fortunate enough to be there when the bell rang on the final afternoon to announce the plant sell off.

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All gentility is cast aside as the over 70s scrum down for a fuchsia basket or an unfeasibly large lily. It really is every man for himself as the streets around the ground become a swaying sea of wilting blooms.

The larger designer gardens are arranged on Main Avenue in between stalls selling everything from a fully-stocked bar and cinema room to the latest type of hosepipe. The designs didn’t seem to me to be particularly adventurous this year and the planting was mainly naturalistic and fairly safe in terms of colour. Tall spires of purple and white were everywhere with lupins, foxgloves, verbascums and cow parsley arranged in naturalistic drifts: very lovely but not boundary breaking. I really loved the Help for Heroes garden – Hope on the Horizon – winner of the People’s Choice award. Blocks of granite and square box shapes provided the backbone to the planting scheme which included large drifts of purple and white foxgloves, salvia and Stipa gigantea.

Formal trees Carpinus betulus ‘Fastigiata’ framed the pathways and this seemed to be a feature of this year’s show. And a very good one in my opinion. Birches, acers and amelanchiers were all used to provide structure above the naturalistic planting.

The Topiarist’s Garden. ©RHS / Tim Sandall

The artisan gardens were very much my cup of tea. Much more petite in scale, these seemed to show a bit of achievable magic in a small space: certainly relevant for our mainly bijou front gardens in Norwood. The Topiarist’s Garden for West Green House was my favourite. In the words of the design team: ‘eclectic topiary designs, haphazardly placed amongst favourite white perennials, flowering climbers and delicate rose Adelaide d’Orleans.’ It looked almost fairytale in appearance. The garden was meant to depict a fictional head gardener’s patch of paradise in front of an old pan tile cottage.

It was packed with planting, both formal and cottagey, and would really enhance any size of front garden, an area which is much neglected in my view.

There was also the gold award winning Potter’s Garden which evoked ‘a potter’s garden, abandoned for the war in 1914 and brought back to life for 2014’.

This garden depicted the lost skills of the men who went off to fight in the Great War, and included an abandoned kiln, crushed pots for the pathways and a water feature made from a soldier’s helmet. But this space was also a celebration of the power of the garden to evolve and renew with glorious cottage

planting, native hedging and a habitat wall. This theme of restoration and healing seemed to run through many of the gardens.

For me most interest at the show was found away from the top gardens and state of the art outdoor cinema suites. The Big Green Egg trade stand was constructed from two old shipping containers which were clad in ivy. Inside they were decked out for top of the range kitchen and dining, while the outside was left in its beaten up state. They were arranged so that one container created an upper room while the surrounding paving was interplanted with strawberries and thyme. Imaginative stuff. Also the living wall was much in evidence and Burgon and Ball have even started to supply panels with integral planting pouches to start your own green vertical space: only a tenner each.

Chelsea is a cracking day out. There was rain but we like it really. The Jive Aces were playing during a good spell of sunshine on the music stage and as I jigged in time to I’m the King of the Swingers all really did seem right with the world.

Happy Gardening 51

CyCLe Corner Bob Townley is on a mission in Motala

Micke Fransson/Vätternrundan

If

you’re reading this Transmitter over a cold beer the evening it’s hot off the press, chances are I’ll just about be lining up ready to take part in the Vätternrundan, a mammoth Scandinavian cycle event, for my 10th consecutive year. From 8pm on Friday 13 June, over 20,000 riders will follow the route which sweeps round the Vättern (a very large lake) starting and finishing in the Swedish town of Motala. To celebrate my decade of participation, this year I’ll be aiming for a personal best: to complete the full 300km in under 10 hours. You’ll be receiving this information in one of two ways I suspect: WTF? Or when can I sign up for next year?

I was 40 when I rode my first one. It was like nothing I had ever done before. The Vätternrundan is so much more than the ride itself: there’s the town completely dedicated to the event (and other accompanying activities during the week); there’s the genuine camaraderie of the huge support team; and there’s the superb, communal, sleeping-bag-on-the-floor-of-the-sports-hall accommodation. I rode with my brother, a regular partner in this Nordic noir, with a designated start time of 2am.

The ride was long (13hrs 40mins) but spectacular – particularly the motorbike-led start along the lake shore, high-fiving rows of gleeful children, receiving a rousing cheer from groups of partying Swedes, sometimes from their hot tubs (and all this in the middle of a midsummer night). We stopped and ate too often – porridge at Jönköping, lasagne at Hjo, lots of sweet rolls and blueberry soup – and paid the price in sluggishness.

But the bug had bitten. The next year I trained harder, rode more seriously, ate less and took two hours off my previous time. That far north it’s never really pitch black at night, just a beautiful dim twilight for a short while in the early hours. My outstanding memory is of ‘pulling’ a large 52

group of riders up a long ascent and a tall guy, all in black, riding up alongside me and saying something in Swedish.

Noticing I didn’t understand, he repeated, in English, ‘this is the best part, when the sun rises over the lake’.

The route passes through one large town but mainly small, harbour-side villages. Sections run alongside the lake and, inland, along forested roads. The surface is smooth and the riding can be fast, particularly if you attach yourself to one of many groups flying along. There are few real hills, even the revered ‘mountain of Gränna’ is more of a rolling climb.

Over the years it’s been a mixture of the surreal, the emotional and the flat out. In 2007, during a sweltering heatwave, I wore too little and nearly froze to death in the middle of the night (I had wondered why everyone else was so wrapped up at the start). 2012 was the closest I came to giving up, when the rain came down cold and hard. 2009 has been my best time yet: 10hrs 21mins (including stops). My beloved steel-framed Roberts has accompanied me on every ride.

When the weather is good, the finish is sublime. Not just because you can finally get off the bloody bike but because you swoop down towards the shimmering lake, through the cheering supporters and on to the free pasta and beer (yes, free beer!). At this point, lying on the grass with the lake lapping at the shore and sailing boats gliding by, I have usually lost all sense of time and reality. It’s just about downing as many beers as possible before limping back to the sports hall for a few hours of deep sleep. After that comes the celebration: out for the evening to relive tales of the ride with new friends and fellow survivors.

www.vatternrundan.se/en

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THERE’S A WORLD OUT THERE! Fasten your safety belts as your sonic flight attendant Howard Male takes you to Brazil, Argentina, the Democratic Republic of Congo and New England

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he constant surprises offered by the rhythms, textures and melodies of music from other cultures are rarely equalled by English or American stuff, so it’s a pleasant surprise when this does happen.

When I first heard Tune-Yards in 2011, I was so excited by what I heard that I got up from my chair and began to pace the room. Tune-Yards are essentially the inventive, versatile vocalist and a gifted composer Merrill Garbus.

This New England musician uses loop pedals to summon songs out of the ether unlike any you’ve ever heard before. A typical example might jump from consoling lullaby to aggressive playground chant to slinky jazz, before ending up as wall-of-sound primal onslaught. But don’t let this put you off; it’s all wonderfully catchy and engaging. I would even go as far as to say that Garbus is the natural heir to the throne of a succession of eccentric female artists that have included Kate Bush and Bjork and PJ Harvey. The new album is called Nikki Nack (4AD Records) and it’s just as startling – and in the end as seductive – as her previous two. An acquired taste, perhaps, but one worth acquiring.

For a more laidback but no less ambitious treat there’s the Argentinean multi-instrumentalist Melingo. You might consider traditional tango music to be a branch of Easy Listening, however, this 50something Waitsian character’s eccentric take on the style might be more accurately labelled Uneasy Listening. On his latest album Linyera (World Village Records) he evokes David Lynch and Scott Walker in moody, restrained songs that centre on the guitar and bandoneon but are also given a contemporary edge with subtle touches of electronica and edgy sidesteps into the blues. Great stuff to listen to late at night, feet up on the sofa, letting the music transport you to some seedy Buenos Aires bar.

Another artist focused on understatement and nuance is Brazil’s Rodrigo Amarante. For some reason the press release seems to think that the fact that this gentleman played in Devendra Banhart’s band is a primary selling point. But he is a far more interesting proposition than the frankly irritating Banhart and his Stars in their Eyes Marc Bolan impersonation. His debut solo release Cavalo (Mais 54

Um Discos) is all about the spaces between the notes and an atmospheric lo-fi ambience. It’s a sophisticated yet rough-edged collection of light, bright pastel sketches rather than finished oils.

Also on Mais Um Discos (one of the most innovative and adventurous record labels in the world right now) is a trio called Metá Metá. Their second album MetaL MetaL is a big leap forward from their first. Once again, the press release is a little misleading, calling this sophisticated mix of Brazilian samba, American funk and art rock ‘Afro-Punk’. But this time they’re forgiven because the uncategorisable is always hard to catagorise. What this Sao Paolo trio have done is take ancient Afro-Brazilian rhythms and primal melodies that celebrate long forgotten deities and superstitions, and overlaid their own 21stcentury sensibilities. This can be a tricky thing to pull off, with the end result being affected or mannered; but they’ve pulled it off with aplomb. Meaty slabs of distorted guitar and whorls of dissonant saxophone are counterbalanced by Jucara Marcal’s measured and sensuous vocals. What could have been a self-indulgent mess is actually one of my favourite albums of the year thus far. In fact I gave all of this issue’s selections four or five stars in The Independent on Sunday, so it’s clearly been a good couple of months for new global releases.

My final choice takes us to the Democratic Republic of Congo for another, let’s say, challenging listening experience. Viewers of the addictive BBC game show Pointless will be familiar with this central African country as a sure-fire winning answer but it’s also produced some excellent bands over the past decade or so. Five of those bands joined forces to create The Kasai Allstars whose new 100-minute double-CD Beware the Fetish (Crammed Discs) comes at you like a relentless force of nature.

Over a storm of percussion, jangling guitars and buzzing, twanging thumb pianos, call-and-response vocals circle and the listener gets pulled into the vortex. So, if you’re up for a sonic vortex …

Howard Male is the author of the novel Etc Etc Amen (available from The Bookseller Crow).

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THE BOOKSELLER A selection of fine summer reads recommended by the fine @BooksellerCrow Jonathan Main

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ndy Miller was once a bookseller and a liar.

When asked he would often tell people that, yes, he had read a particular book, not because he didn’t want to tell the truth, but because he thought that this was the particular truth that his customer wanted to hear. Who would ever do such a thing?

Some years later and no longer a bookseller, he realised that he had continued his habit by lying to himself (as well as his friends), often claiming knowledge of books for which he had not even cracked the spine. Indeed, owning a book and having it on his shelves, he eventually realised, was not the same as reading it. We’ve all done it, haven’t we?

He decided to come clean with himself (and us) and so compiled a list of fifty Great Books that he had always wanted to read, or books that he said he had read when he hadn’t.

The Year of Reading Dangerously (Fourth Estate £12.99) is the story of that year. It is very funny (as befits a man who has worked with Charlie Brooker and Stewart Lee), provides a very handy, inspirational reading list, and contains a rather lovely paean to the Croydon libraries of his boyhood.

Having published more than one hundred books John Harvey is one of the masters of the British crime novel, and the 12-book series featuring his Nottinghambased Detective Inspector, Charlie Resnick, are probably his most enduring creation. The first book in the series Lonely Hearts (Cornerstone £7.99), published in 1989, was listed by The Times as one of the top 100 crime novels of the last century. Now he brings the series to a close with Darkness, Darkness (Heinemann £18.99) a novel that will surely make any similar list of 100 books for the new century.

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In Darkness, Darkness Resnick is resurrected from semi-retirement to investigate a death that occurred during the miners’ strike of 1984. This is rich and relevant territory and it allows Harvey, with his usual refined prose style, to use the confines of his final crime novel to sketch a portrait of the social and emotional conflicts and the human costs involved as a whole community is torn apart.

It is a beautifully judged book, full of humanity, that bows out in its final pages with a glint in its eye and a small but gracious spring in its step. And whilst it is the last book in a series it could easily be read as a stand-alone novel, or better yet, as the introduction to the rest of the series.

There is more than one walk home in Rachel Seiffert’s The Walk Home (Virago £14.99), a Glasgow-based family story of displacement and sectarian divide.

There is Stevie the runaway, returning to his home town but not to his family. There is his mother leaving and returning to Ireland. There are the Polish builders Jozef and Marek hopefully returning to Gdansk, and there is Graham, Stevie’s father, walking, playing the drum with his marching band.

Seiffert tells much of this story in a skillfully rendered Glaswegian demotic that is easy on the eye and imperceptibly hovers over her characters with just the right amount of authorial presence. Her book is a small masterclass in storytelling.

It is always a cause for celebration when the great Australian writer Tim Winton has a new book out.

From the very first page of Eyrie (Picador £16.99) - when Tom Keely wakes on the top floor of a Freemantle high-rise nursing the monster of all redwine hangovers (Barossa shiraz) and puzzles over

a mysterious stain on the living room carpet (a wet patch the size of a coffee table) and that the upside (he considers) is that he hasn’t died in the night - it’s clear that he is in deep shit and that the book will be the story, hopefully, of his redemption. This is a tough and urban Winton, replete with thugs and drug dealers and prison visits, but still with glimpses of something more pastoral and serene. It’s also often very funny.

John Grindrod grew up in New Addington and went to the kind of school where to express interest, surprise or engagement of any sort was a fatal sign of weakness.

His book Concretopia: A Journey Around the Rebuilding of Postwar Britain, now in paperback (Old Street £9.99), begins there before travelling the length of the country in search of the high-rises and poured-concrete of what was once the future. It is a fascinating journey packed with interesting facts: did you now, for instance, that the National Theatre is built on a series of concrete rafts on top of marshy ground and that – technically - should the water table rise dramatically it would float. A good tip for Londoners, the author half jokes, should catastrophic flooding occur.

Finally, contributor to this magazine Alex Milway has a new children’s book for early readers. In Pigsticks and Harold and the Incredible Journey, the first in a series (Walker Books £6.99), Pigsticks (the last in a noble line of pigs) and Harold (a pretty nervous hamster) attempt to travel to the ends of the earth.

The dialogue, I swear, is straight out of Mamet.

A fine selection of books for this issue, I hope you agree, and yes, I’ve read them all. Honest.

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Astrofact

Farts you hold in that go back up turn into tiny poop ghosts who dwell within you, haunting your bowel and making your breath smell.

GEMINI - The Twins -

May 22 - Jun 21

Next week you’re chatted up by THE most sexy, intelligent and caring potential partner of your dreams. But your star signs are sadly incompatible so you MUST tell them it will never work and simply watch in silent misery as their amazingly beautiful self walks away forever.

CANCER

LEO

VIRGO

- The Crab -

- The Lion -

- The Virgin -

Jun 21 - Jul 22

Jul 23 - Aug 22

Aug 23 - Sep 22

With the Lunar cycle at its most coagulant, it’s important for you to apply this age-old proverb to your life: custard-filled teapots aren’t easily poured.

When it comes to the world of work your chart shows you have untapped abilities and could excel in a particularly highly-skilled field of work with a truly global reach.

Unfortunately it’s torturing.

Wear your shirt slashed open like John Travolta tonight. Not because your chest hair looks sexy but because it is your destiny to dribble BBQ sauce all down yourself at dinner.

ASTROFACTS If you think your God is great you’re wrong.

Face the facts: 1. Only put in charge of one little planet out of a billion trillion.

2. Tried to kill every living thing on it with a flood.

3. Hasn’t paid it any attention for two thousand years.

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CAPRICORN - The Goat(ee) -

AQUARIUS - The Water Carrier -

Dec 22 - Jan 20

Jan 21 - Feb 21

Money concerns are uppermost in your mind so remember this simple oxymoron: never take advice from a financial advisor who hasn’t already retired early.

This very night you will utter the comprehensive all-embracing answer to the very meaning of life itself - but only in your sleep and with all the words in the wrong order.

GEMINI Celebrity Birthdays: Prince 7 June Petite purple pictogram

Robert Powell 1 June Permed Jesus

Boy George 14 June Drug culture slimming club

Russell Brand 4 June Randy Jesus

George Michael 25 June Whamm! Car smash hit pop icon

Morgan Freeman 1 June Black God

Donald Trump 14 June Weird parting name farting apprentice magnate mogul

Prince William 21 June Heir loss

LIBRA

SCORPIO

- The Scales -

- The Hunter -

- The Archer -

Sep 23 - Oct 23

Oct 24 - Nov 21

Nov 22 - Dec 21

You represent 0.00000000000000001% of the mass of the universe and your life represents 0.00000000000000001% of all time. So far you’ve wasted 90% of it and you only have 60% of it left. Do the math.

Karmic patterns are forming on your chart around the interlinked web of your human interpersonal relationships - but it’s all pretty confusing to you because if you can’t use a hammer to fix it you feel a bit lost.

Bad cosmic vibes for the coming month as Saturn is retrograde in your sign. Keep this in mind: three is your lucky number and Vodka is your happy place.

TAURUS

SAGITTARIUS

PISCES

ARIES

- The Haddock -

- The Ram -

- The Bull -

Feb 22 - Mar 21

Mar 22 - Apr 20

Apr 21 - May 21

Use meditation techniques to find your inner child then ask them to meditate to find their inner foetus then ask them to contemplate upon and locate their inner sperm and inner egg and make them both apologise to everybody you know for ever getting together.

Arian Rams continue to search for their romantic soulmate, but it really is like searching for a needle in a haystack. Just to let you know, you never do actually find her which is a shame because I know her and she’s lovely - great fun with really big knockers.

With the Lunar influence in Capricorn you must be extremely careful with your mood as the slightest wrong word could spark a terrible anger within you today ugly.

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Astrofact: A dog’s sense of smell is so good they can whiff my Crystal Balls. When I walk in the park they freak out because they’ve sniffed the future.

Because they’re better than you

SUPERSTITIONIST by Pip Irkin Hall Out of bed the wrong side, left foot first, the wicked way.

Something makes me shiver, a shadow on my grave.

The thirteenth, a Friday and my birthday.

Must take care and watch how I behave.

As I slowly open it, I stroke the horseshoe on my door.

Stepping over paving cracks, cold hands yet warm heart.

What our brains can’t explain, invented meanings we explore.

Chance champions over wisdom in astrology’s chart.

My steamy bathroom mirror finally clears.

Its evil eye reflection steals my soul again.

Careful not to break it, bad luck for seven years.

Quite by chance outside it starts to rain.

Ears burn against the frost; I’m being talked about today.

Opportunity knocks, the dice of life get tossed.

My itchy palms say money’s on the way.

I’m feeling lucky, touch wood and fingers crossed.

A sudden plague like broken wishbone sneeze.

I sense an omen stirring in my morning tea leaves.

Six six six, bad luck is said to come in threes.

Bless me, lest the number of the beast believes.

Counting down from lucky seven, goose bumps bristling on my skin.

I avoid the leaning ladder, holy trinity unbroken.

Hello Mr Magpie, how are your wife and kin?

I feel my black cat lucky charm is finally awoken.

Shattered fortune cookies on a broken plate.

Crossed table knives beside my birthday cake.

Testing destiny, tempting fate, I blow out thirteen candles and a silent wish I make.

For vampires fresh garlic into pockets put.

Countless superstitions turned to habits.

The classic talisman a furry severed foot.

Good luck for me, but not so good for rabbits.

I find a lucky penny and a four-leaf clover, a bird shits on my back as I bend over.

Is this beginner’s luck or just what old wives have foretold?

But still as fate would have it, I hurry on consoled.

Because at yonder rainbows end, there could just be that pot of gold.

YELLOW

BY ECONOMY CUSTARD

@ ECONOMYCUSTARD | ECONOMYCUSTARD.CO.UK ©SIMONSHARVILLE2014 60

To place an advert, email sales@thetransmitter.co.uk or call 020 8771 5543

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WHAT’S ON

DULWICH PICTURE GALLERY GALLERY FILM:

Monday 14 July Bar opens at 7.00pm Screenings at 7.30pm Linbury Room The Servant (1963) Cert 15/120 mins Directed by Joseph Losey, adapted by Harold Pinter from a novel by Robin Maugham, and starring Dirk Bogarde, James Fox, Sarah Miles and Wendy Craig.

The film is a tightly constructed psychological drama about the relationships between the four central characters. Examining issues of class, servitude and the ennui of the upper classes, it turns the tables between a dainty, wastrel Oxbridge bachelor and his contemptuous, insouciant Cockney valet who exercises insidious control over his master. The servant exploits his devious powers over his ëmasterí who steadily loses authority. £9, £7 Friends

GALLERY MUSIC:

Saturday 12 July 6.30pm Reception in the garden 7.15pm Performance in the gallery Long interval for picnics Glyndebourne-style An Evening of Romantic Opera Award-winning pianist William Vann returns with four brilliant young opera singers and new tales from the exhilarating world of romantic opera.

Bring your own picnic or order one from Mimosa, the Herne Hill delicatessen. Contact Patricia Peacock at 020 7733 8838 or patricia@mimosafoods.com £40, £35 Friends Includes a glass of sparkling wine 62

SAVE THE DAVID LEAN CINEMA CAMPAIGN

David Lean Auditorium Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, CR9 1ET Tickets £7.50 (concessions £6) From Croydon Visitor Centre (by East Croydon Station) Thursday 19 June at 2.30pm and 7.30pm SUZANNE (12A) 2013, 94 mins (subtitled) Director: Katell Quillevér Monday 23 June at 7.30pm: special screening for PURLEY FESTIVAL 20 FEET FROM STARDOM (12A) 2013, 91 mins Director: Morgan Neville Thursday 26 June at 2.30pm and 7.30pm THE LUNCHBOX (PG) 2013, 104 mins (subtitled) Director: Ritesh Batra Online www.davidleancroydon.ticketsource.co.uk Telephone 0333 666 3366 (£1.50 charge) Mailing list & information savedavidlean@gmail.com @SaveDavidLean LeanCampaign www.DavidLeanCroydon.org.uk

SOUTH LONDON THEATRE The Old Fire Station 2A Norwood High Street West Norwood London SE27 9NS Box Office: 020 8670 3474 www.southlondontheatre.co.uk

THE BROWNING VERSION

by Terence Rattigan Tue 17 until Sat 21 June at 8pm Andrew Crocker-Harris is unwell and moves tomorrow from Head of Classics to a less strenuous job in a crammer. Set in real time, this Rattigan one-act play portrays a man who has nearly died from the inside outwards, assisted ably by his spiteful wife, Millie.

Unpopular at home and at work, he is nonetheless very likeable for his integrity and intelligent sense of humour and of the ridiculous. The play abounds with generous but precisely-controlled helpings of many of life’s forces, examining popularity, discipline, ambition, happiness, sadness and many others. A crescendo of events poses the question of whether ‘the Crock’ will survive them.

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

by William Shakespeare The summer of 1953. Coronation fever. Men returning from the Korean War. Love and hope abound. Hero and Claudio, Benedick and Beatrice in Shakespeare’s comedy classic with added rock and roll and a splash of sharp wit.

What can possibly go wrong?

LITTLE GRIMLEY PRESENTS STRICTLY SEX FACTOR (ON ICE) / BED AND BREAKFAST

by David Tristram / Eddie Coleman Tue 15 until Sat 19 July 2014 at 8pm The Little Grimley amateur actors believe they are losing audience to reality TV talent shows, so they come up with a show that includes elements of all of their competitors. In Bed and Breakfast, a host of characters are staying at Mrs Daniels’ guesthouse.

But no relationship is quite as it seems, and revelations bring several characters to a deeper truth.

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WHAT’S ON ST CHRISTOPHER’S OPEN GARDEN FESTIVAL

The Open Garden season is upon us and several local gardens are opening for St Christopher’s Hospice. Go, be inspired and picnic in verdant surroundings. All the gardens are selling tea & cake and more information can be found at: www.stchristophers.org.uk Sunday 22 June 103 & 105 Dulwich Village Gardens, Dulwich, 2 - 5 pm Entry £5 Sunday 6 July 126 Church Rd, Crystal Palace, SE19 2NT 3 - 6pm Entry £5

SILICON TRIANGLE

Crystal Palace’s monthly science and technology hang-out. Everyone, from boffins to novices welcome!

Antenna Cafe SE19 3AN First Tuesday of every month.

8pm Free Entry.

FILM

Dirty Dancing (1987, 12, 100mins) Crystal Palace Park Saturday 21 June 2014 Doors open 7.45pm Performance starts 9.15pm Tickets from £13.50 (age 5-15 £9) www.thelunacinema.com

NORWOOD SOCIETY LOCAL HISTORY MEETINGS

Local History Talks are held on the 3rd Thursday of the Month at 7.30 pm at the Upper Norwood Library, Westow Hill, SE19 1TJ. Entry is free, but a donation towards the cost of tea and cakes is appreciated!

19 June 2014 The Concrete Church & the Bevingtons Norwood Society Chairman, Richard Lines will introduce us to this pioneering building in Waldegrave Road and the closely connected Bevington family who are also associated with Bermondsey.

NORWOOD SOCIETY WALKS PROGRAMME 29 June North of the Triangle & Gipsy Hill Circular. (approx 90 mins) 4.15pm Crystal Palace Station.

Alun Thomas Norwood Society in conjunction with the Overground Festival.

20 July Norwood New Town & Beulah Spa circular. (approx 90 mins) 2.30pm Outside Sainsbury, Westow Street, SE19 3RW. Richard Lines, Norwood Society Enquiries: norwoodshistory@btinternet.com.

Car park, Westow Street 1960s

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