Effectively avoiding the election campaigner standing at the entrance of your class: the Dos

and Don'ts

You may think you’re safe: the days are getting the tiniest bit longer, the stress of last term is well behind us, and exams aren’t for another seven months, I think(?). But, as every Trinity student is aware, even the tiniest glimmer of hope in student life can only mean certain fucking doom is just around the corner. And sure enough, the TCD SU election campaigners have risen from Hell in their poorly made fruit of the loom catchphrase t-shirts, ready to roam this already godforsaken, unholy (protestant) campus. Below are some top tips to avoid these cretins on campus:

Do: Carry a random leaflet with you at all times. These campaigners have one goal and one goal only: to get rid of their leaflets. The campaigner that they’re representing (want to ride) needs to get the word out about their zero waste ambitions for campus, and what better way to get their message across than printing 900 full colour informational leaflets with their face on the cover! Simply carry a picture of some other campaigner clearly on your person before entering any of their hotspots (The Arts Block/Outside the Hamilton/The Fifth circle of Hell). Or, better yet, carry a crucifix! Nothing better to beat back the unholy campaigners with.

Don’t: See them as people.

They’re not. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. These things don’t have human traits: they don’t have friends, acquaintances, or lecturers they need to disappoint. They exist solely to shill. And they will do anything to achieve their goal. Seeing them as people will only draw you closer into their circle, and trust me, you don’t want to know what lies inside that circle.

Do: Practice your show tunes!.

Even if the aforementioned leaflet strategy fails, simply singing any and all show tunes as you walk to class is a surefire way to not only drive away the dreaded campaigners, but your fellow students, staff, alumni and lost tourists. Practice is key, so getting the basic repertoire staples down is a great first step. But throwing in a quick kick ball change and the occasional Hamilton line in will ensure your safety from those annoying campaigners, as well as safety from ever losing your virginity. This strategy, while effective, should be used as a last resort, as any reference to the work of Lin-Manuel Miranda will attract a fog of TMT members, who will make you pas de chat all the way to the Chelsea Drugstore against your free will, so pick your poison. You have been warned.

Don’t: Make eye contact.

This is absolutely crucial. Of course, eye contact will be taken as a cue for them to approach you and waste as much of your time as possible, obliterating your chances of making it to your lecture in time to grab the only functioning desk. But eye contact needs to be avoided for another, more vital reason; once you look into their eyes, you will see the vacancy. Oh god, the vacancy. The unknowable vast emptiness permeating their soul. They are trapped, they know it, but they cannot find a way to express it. Their souls are forced to toil forever in the depths of Hell (The Perch entrance) for eternity, and now, so is yours. Is this really what you want from your potential SU representatives?

Why RON should be the only name on your ballot sheet!

This year’s SU elections have seen a broad and diverse range of hopeful candidates contesting for the sabbatical office positions. Adorned in bright campaign t shirts and canvassing with students, the nominees have been campaigning hard around campus looking for your vote. The fools!

Don’t listen to what they’re telling you, there is only one candidate you should vote for this year, and that man’s name is RON.

Who is RON?:

RON, full name Rory O’Neill, is a 4th year PPES student undertaking the seemingly impossible but unquestionably brave and noble task of contesting each and every SU election this month. Yep, that’s right, the whole shebang! Should he win, he will become the first person to hold all of the sabbatical positions and, per the Trinity Constitution, will wield enough power to usurp Linda Doyle as Provost and become Supreme Leader of Trinity College. RON is no stranger to swooping in and stealing the vote and has been known to do it more than once in any given individual race.

Why should I vote for RON?:

RON is running on a campaign to reintroduce smoking to Trinity, strongly opposing the college administration’s policy to move towards a ‘smoke-free campus’. RON plans to hand out a free pack of amber leaf to each student who vows to vote for him in the upcoming elections. As for any other campaign proposals, when this reporter asked RON what else he was running on, he simply replied ‘vibes’.

What would a RON premiership look like?:

The rivers will run with gold and the clouds will rain free HSE condoms. Like St Patrick banishing the snakes, all Americans will be vanquished from campus and Printing House Square will be rightly repatriated to the good and honourable Irish students who deserve them. Justice and integrity will return to the halls of power within Trinity College and soon the name ‘Gabi Fulham’ will be but a distant memory. The buttery will be affordable again. The Campanile will be camp again. Trinity will be great again! All with RON as our beloved ruler

But at the same time, we’re The Piranha. What would we know about elections? But yeah, vote RON, or don’t, who cares, I don’t believe in elections anyway.

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