A note from the Electoral Commission

ATTENTION ALL: WE HAVE BIG NEWS WHICH WE CANNOT DESCRIBE DUE TO THE SENSITIVE NATURE OF THE ISSUE

Someone, who can’t be named due to the sensitive nature of the issue, has committed an offence, which we cannot describe due to the sensitive nature of the issue; somewhere, which we can not name due to the sensitive nature of the issue.

Please know it is very very very juicy campus gossip - but we strongly caution against any speculation or discussion of the above. We are aware that as the whatever ranked university in the world, Trinity aims to promote discourse and curiosity. However, we are sure that you will all realise that this particular gossip is off limits and will continue about your day as if you never read this news item.

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The Word of the Lord

In the beginning, Gabi Fullam created the Heavens, the Earth, and The Berkeley Library. Now the earth was formless and empty, but Gabi didn’t really care about that, she was more concerned with renaming the Berkeley library, so she thought she’d nip that in the bud.

On the first day, Gabi said “Let us rid the Berkeley Library of its name”. The Berkeley Library was ridded of its name, and Gabi saw that this was good.

On the second day, Gabi really should have been getting onto the Heaven and Earth stuff but, instead, she said “Let the Berkeley Library be given a placeholder name”. The library wasn’t officially renamed “The X Library'' but she got everybody to start calling it that anyway, and she saw that this was good.

On the third day, you really would have expected Gabi to like devote her time and resources to something more important like, I don’t know, separating the light from the dark, but instead, she said “Let us consider a new name for the X library”, and I personally thought she was taking the piss a bit. A new name was considered, and she saw that this was good.

On the fourth and fifth days, Gabi once again said “Let us consider a new name for the X library”. You can’t get an appointment with the counselling services, a number of students are homeless, and the waters hadn’t even been filled with living creatures yet, so I feel like the whole renaming of the library thing should’ve been put on the backburner for the time being. A new name was considered. Gabi saw that it was good.

On the sixth day– the universe has to be finished by today, by the way–Gabi asked again, “Let us consider a new name for the X library.” Brilliant, nothing important has been done. What a colossal fucking waste of time.