SU Candidate rundown:

It’s that time of year again! As the SU elections beckon the articles are practically writing themselves as a collection of oddballs, egomaniacs and opportunistic, ladder-climbing slimeballs battle it out against each other for the esteemed prize of a doss year out of college promoting ‘welfare’ or ‘education’ or something, as if those two words hold any meaning in Trinity College Dubin. For those who have hitherto been blissfully unaware of the existence of these cretins, this reporter has compiled an extensive and exhausted list of all of the half-funny jokes I could come up with about these, quite frankly, rather boring individuals:

László Molnárfi: i'm tying this one in all lowercase because apparently he hates capitalism or something (I don’t know what it is). [insert lazy and questionably xenophobic joke about eastern europeans and communism here]. i don’t really know much about the guy if i'm being honest, all i know is that he’s the founder of a group called ‘students4change’. like, like its students ‘for’ change, they substitute the word ‘for’ for the letter ‘4’, fucking brilliant.

Zoe Cummins:

I think there’s supposed to be two dots over the ‘e’ but honestly, I don’t know how to do that on my laptop. Apparently she was struck off the ballot, but I guess she struck back cause she’s still here. Who doesn’t love a good comeback story? Like Bertie Ahern! The urge not to make a cum joke is honestly unbearable, but if Piranha writers are known for anything, it’s their unwavering commitment to first rate satire

Tilly Schaaf:

Ursula Von Der Leyen’s puppet, planted to counter Molnárfi style radicalism feared by the highest up of Eurocrats. Unfortunately, what Tilly doesn’t know is that the masses were radicalised in “Introduction to Political Science B” and that euroscepticism is IN.

Aoife Bennet:

Aoife Bennet was previously involved with welfare in Halls, and so she is used to working with drunk, messy people that have no idea what they’re doing. So, she’ll work really well with TCD’s board

Nadia:

Guess who’s back? Back again. Naddy and her baddies have returned for another bite of the apple after the disappointment of her previous campaign last year. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if she lost twice? Like, wouldn’t it? This election is to Nadia what the Qatar World Cup was to Messi, one last shot at greatness, one more chance to fulfil a legacy (that metaphor was for all the blokes out there)

Olivia Orr:

Now I’ve always been a big fan of names with alliteration: Kim Kardashian, Danny DeVito, Bugs Bunny. But that’s nothing compared just a first name: Oprah, Cher, Beyoncé. You catch my drift?

Sam Kelly: Sam is ready to make Ents safe! We at the piranha are sure his experience as Ents officer for the hist will help with this, as we all know how safe and inclusive the hist is!

Catherine Arnold: If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, will anyone give a shit about Catherine’s Education campaign?

Aiesha Wong:

Aiesha Wong is contesting the Comms race. No stranger to sending mass-emails, graphic design, or spam posting your feed, Aiesha seems a shoo-in.

Clara Roche: Vying to increase the number of UT writers from 2 to 3

“Will I enjoy my course ball??”

With prices soaring to €80 to spend your evening with BESS students, we at the piranha have given you a key (lol) to help you decide what balls to attend:

Law Ball: Blink and you'll miss it! Law ball was over before the semester even began. Reports would suggest that you didn't miss anything unless you particularly enjoy a night standing around in the cold waiting for buses to pick you up at 1 am from a poorly furnished 4 star hotel in the countryside.

Players Ball: Kinky, sexy, latex, kissing (no sex), poppers (no coke), film photos, interesting outfits, poor make up choices. Shall I go on?

BESS Ball: Oh no you missed your debs? Well no worries because you have the opportunity to cry and throw up while watching your date shift the face off somebody else for the small fee of 85 yoyos (prosecco reception NOT included)

MedBall: Fierce amount of M.D (s) at this one.

Phil Ball: Enter at your own risk. Your head might explode from the sheer amount of bullshit you have to consume as you're placed next to David, 23, 16 points short of PPES, at dinner.

Bál Gaelach: Níl morán le labhairt faoi ar an gceann seo. Munar fhéidir an t-alt seo a thuiscint ní bhfiú duit dul chuig an mbál mar is saghas cult í an chumann ag an pointe seo and ní labhairtear béarla leat ar aon scór.

Hall Ball: Launch your JCR campaign