End of Year Edition April 2022
004
TECHNOLOGY
PARENTING
Defund the Arts T Ball 2023 to take campaign startplace in Metaverse ed by parents of “creatives” pg PUP pg 10010110
MUSIC Prazky, two straights and a husky handjob: Tinie Tempah’s T Ball fee revealed
pg Pass Out
INSIGHT
The
Piranha Guide To Not Getting The Ick: No uggos, no eye contact, no emotions
Piranha
ANKLE-BITING SATIRE FROM THE MURKY DEPTHS OF TRINITY COLLEGE DUBLIN
Selling T Ball:
Grents reveals post-SU plans
10 Tips for T Ball The last time I went to Trinity Ball I was in my first year of college. Now, I am in my final year. Here is some advice for Trinity ball, as I remember it: 1. The men who look 55 and ask you for “some uppers” and refer to you as “old chum” are officers of the law. If they approach you, don’t panic. There is a simple solution if you find yourself talking to someone you suspect might be an undercover cop. Simply ask them to kiss you. They legally cannot kiss you if they are police. And if they reject you and say ‘thanks but you’re not my type,’ then they are definitely police. It’s Trinity Ball, even the cats and dogs are fucking. 2. Don’t piss in your hands and pour it into the bin if the lines for the porta potties are too long. Trust me, people don’t find that attractive or, dare I even say,”socially acceptable.”
“No. No. No. The tall guy with a handle bar moustache and rainbow-patterned hair who is about to put on a balaclava.” And then proceed to rock out to some sweet tunes. 5. Rumour has it that the bald man from the Pav will be acting as main bouncer this year for Trinity ball. No need to panic, you’ve been in this situation before. Just remember your training; Smile nervously at him as he verbally abuses you, try to make eye contact with him as he looks directly through you, and then bitch about him behind his back to your heart’s content. 6. Uh oh, someone in your course who you sort of know and have never really talked to is crying over there by the bins. This looks like a job for drugged up, very drunk, and unfiltered you. They want to see your face right now. They’ll get such a kick out of the fact that you’re both here right now. Two Trinity students at Trinity Ball. I mean, what are the actual chances?
3. Jokingly make a citizen’s arrest whenever you see someone using drugs. Wired, paranoid people always love it when people do that. 7. Ok, so the person in your course who was crying over there by the bins has 4. When Matthew Harris and Malaki slapped you in the face. Take inventory take the stage say to the person next of the moment and then stuff it so far to you “man I’ve seen him around cam- down into your mind that you won’t pus.” And when your friend says “who? remember it until 5pm the next day, The bald guy with a spiderweb shaved when the memory erupts out of your into the side of his head wearing sus- subconscious and makes you shiver, penders and a tank top?” Say to him and spoiling your hungover viewing of
Naive student takes the “Pull to Open” door in Library too figuratively A young man had to be pulled away from the Berkeley entrance door on Wednesday afternoon. The man who would like to be known as John Smith though that the ‘PULL TO OPEN’ sign meant to “shift the hole” off of the door in order to gain access to the library. According to a slightly weird eye witness, the man “became entangled within a wave of lust for this door, he unsheathed his trousers before ripping off his clothes and making passionate love to the the glassy translucent door.” It took a full twenty minutes for the security guy at the desk to realise that a man was shagging the door behind him. Three security men had to remove the horny man from the premises. He was adandoned at Pearse street, naked, and told to find his way home.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. 8. Don’t worry, the man asking you if you’re having ‘a safe and fun time, yeah?’ while simultaneously gurning off his own fingers, flailing his arms in the air, and frothing at the mouth is not a threat, he’s the Ents Officer: Greg for Ents. Treat him as you would a pigeon who is in your way on a footpath; throw a few fake kicks until he decides to hop out of your way. Easy. However, it is also important to remember that this particular pigeon has taken MDMA. 9. Kiss her. It’s now or never. Just spin her around and kiss her; the girl you always fancied in college but never had the guts to tell. It’s your last year. Just do it. Be romantic and care free. And then, when it’s done, and you look into her soft blue eyes and realise ‘She is NOT into me at all’ run for your life as her 6ft 2 boyfriend with the perfect chin slowly thunders over and asks ‘whosdisladthen?’ 10. Kiss him. It’s now or never. Just spin him around and kiss him; the guy you always fancied in college but who never admitted that he liked you. It’s your last year. Just do it. And then, when it’s done and you look up into his soft green eyes and think ‘did this guy just piss himself?’ Thank God you never left your boyfriend for him.
This Day in History 3000 B.C.
Groog the Smith of Arrow is harassed by the rest of the Trinity clan for ruining the annual Trinity Boulder
1897
Burkean Journal ousts editor for losing virginity
2022
LawSoc creates Inter-Gender Boxing Belt in aid of birds women
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Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt
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“WHO GOES THERE? BE YE FRIEND, FOE OR HOE?” -Bellows the ancientsecurity guard behind the massive wooden doors of Front Square at 2am “Yeah it’s great because you don’t even have to be able to read or write or think” -District Magazine’s new hire “What about these gas prices? God they really leave me jonesing for some of the devil’s dandruff...amirite guys?” -Undercover guard completely bottles it at T Ball
2023
“Not that I necessarily agree with this...” -Lad in your tutorial who absolutely agrees with whatever problematic thing he’s about to say
2031
“‘Looks like I’m destined to be alone forever” -Some nightmare young one after making no effort whatsoever to get her hole
“Guess I’m living on the wrong side of the tracks aha” -South Dublin lad taking up scarce student accomodation place in Goldsmith
“I just a baby” -22 year old woman’s excuse for codependency and daddy issues
“TSSHHH TSSHHH TSSHHH” -Trinity Security van, unprompted
“I’m getting pretty worried now” -Putin upon hearing that Jess, a first year BESS student, has started an online petition to end the
“Fuck, that’s tragic ahahha” -Trinity Counselling at your first appointment
Icarus redacts all previous issues citing shite poetry Gonzaga SCT goes on trial in The Hague for illegally funding foreign war
2085
Bag awarded Honorary Doctorate in BESS
Notes From The Throne
The end comes quickly, dear readers. It seems like only yesterday that we re-entered the brave new normal of post-lockdown college, fearing that we would have to adapt drastically to a changed Trinity. A Trinity with societies empty of freshers to bully, absent of a terrible T-Ball lineup and a tiny ents officer to drag over it, void of career ending election scandals… but Trinity’s muscle memory is strong, and the cobbles remained fertile ground for satirical mining For some of you reading this, the end of term is merely the end of a chapter. Unfortunately for us withered lemons, this is the end of the book. Most of us ancient hacks have spent the last months strangled by the fear of an uncertain future. We wake up in sweat-covered sheets in fear of our mothers’ texting us that they’re “just curious about career plans??”. We already know that Josephine’s daughter has a 90k a year job in Goldman Sachs and is doing a J1 and graduated top of her class and has a fella and isn’t fat. We need not be reminded every time we’re just trying to ask for a cheeky revolut to afford groceries. Some of us have other pastimes such as not getting our hole or BeReal or crying. While this existential angst still haunts our training-contract-less selves, we would like to thank all of our readers and writers who have laughed with and at us this year. It has been the highlight of both of our collegiate careers. We also want to introduce you to The Piranha’s newest editor-in-chief: Claire Brennan. Remember: Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss, Greg. Ellen and Hugh xxxx
The Piranha
Editors: Ellen Higgins Hugh O’Leary
Editor-in-Waiting Claire Brennan Senior Writers: Lucy Rice Curtis Winkelmann Hector Wright Ellen Collins Staff Writers: Serge Faceyank Theo Lynch Tuck MacLug-Hole Álanna Hammel Rollie Meanie James Lunt Hugh Kelly The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that jokes aren’t necessarily things people believe but are instead, jokes. Serious complaints about the content
of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Quiz
Corner: Is it or isn’t it?
Round Four: Potential New Trinity Buildings 1. Doyle-Prendergast Think-Box for Greed and Enterprise. 2. Anti-Fascist Ecological Rubrics. Round One: Vape Flavors 3. Dargan Caldarium for Equine Studies 1. Vegetable Oil and Nicotine. 4. Quinn School of Sleazy Chivalry. 2. Chloroform. 4. I am in a Loving and Committed Re- 5. ANYTHINGBUTB*RKELEY Book 3. Celtic Revival and Crumpets. House. lationship With Your Plastic Mother. 4. Cigarettes. 6. Martin Naughton E3 Learning 5. The Hand of The Spar Worker Who 5. Come In, Sit Down, Shut Up, Don’t Foundry. Sold It To You. Understand a Thing, Feel Uncomfort6. The Bald Pav Man’s Thick Warm Spit. able Because You’re Too Close To The Round 5: Open Modules Actors, Feel Relieved When It’s Over, 1. Law and Handbags Congratulate Your Friend, Hope They Round Two: Names of Academic Never Ask You To Watch Another One. 2. Ethics in Journalism: How to leak Writers You’ve Cited in Your Diss sources 1. Hurtz Wogglepop. 6. This Show Has No Title. This Is Not 3. Homosexuality 101: Finding a beard 2. Kjivien Wtezkslety. an Ironic Title. This Show Really Does 4. Strange, Sad Sex in the 21st Centu3. Hector Wright. Not Have A Title. But Since This Sen- ry: A Case Study 4. Mingus Cirillo. tence Will Be On All Of The Posters, It 5. Tinder and Translation: Finding your 5. Chloe Handbag Will Inadvertently Become The Title… sadomasochist Erasmus boyfriend 6. Jeffrey J. Stor. Shit. 6. The Book Let’s play a game of ‘Is It or Isn’t It.’ The rules are simple, just circle the name in each list which you believe to be a real, actual thing
Round Three: The Title of a DU Player’s Show 1. A Fruit-Fly The Size of a Bird. 2. The Chronic Devastation of Peeling Onions. 3. This Isn’t a Play, You’re Not a Human Being and We Never Went to The Moon.
Op-Ed: BeReal is sooo lush! Whilst I was doing my quick evening three-hour scroll on my phone last night, what really caught my attention was what all my friends were up to on BeReal. I absolutely shat myself laughing when I saw that Jessica was lying in bed in her house in Stoneybatter, like so so funny. Don’t get me started on Darren’s antics though, his BeReal was of him on a late night study session in the Ussher, like WTF Darren that’s so brave hahahhahahhahahahhahaah. What I love about this app is that you really see people’s real lives, like there’s no hiding behind the facade of Instagram ya know haha?!! Like my friend Emily is amazing, her BeReals always show her eating at the Ivy, everyday, every single BeReal! And because it’s BeReal I just know it’s so true. Like sure sometimes her BeReals are two or three or ten hours late but I just know she’s at the Ivy having the best time ever, ugh love her. Like sure she might be crying in some of them and sure the only time I ever see her in person is when she’s working one of her 12 hour shifts at DBS next to the ivy, but I just love the way that queen is killing it. BeReal is so honest I love it, I love knowing that everyone else is living the same old boring insufferable life as me, apart from that queen Emily. It makes me so so happy thinking about the fact that no one, absolutely no one is having fun and is deeply unhappy. Thanks BeReal babes. x
Arts Block confused over whether cool fresher is gay or homophobic Freddy O’Reilly was an instant hit among his fellow English and Philosophy students. With his leather jackets and ironic shirts making him an ironic fashion icon, his sarcastic (albeit lazy) quips, and his love of Elton John, his peers, one by one, came to the conclusion that he was in fact a raging homosexual. After a semester and a half of school and a brief stint as a meme page admin making the 19-year-old a niche internet micro-celebrity, practically every Arts Block attendee recognized his perpetually neon shaved head and gaggle of bi girls that made up his friend group. It wasn’t until one fateful night at Tramline that any suspicion was aroused. “It was easy to mistake his aggression towards gay men as him conforming to stereotypical ‘catty’ behaviour” admits an anonymous but powerful member of the Dicks4Dicks Arts Block Caucus, “but not knowing the lyrics to any Britney, Nicki, or Madonna? I’ve never seen it before in my life.”
IN//OUT This is it. It’s the big one. When it hits 16 degrees and the entire world rushes to Seapoint to swim in the icy sludge of incinerator discharge, you don’t want to look like a stupid baby who has fallen behind on the trends, do you? Because only stupid babies don’t follow the trends. With that in mind, here is the conclusive list of what’s hot this summer...
In
Out
BeReal is in
College is out
The Coronas wish they were in
T Ball is out
DUPA is in Disses are (handed) in Editorial oversights are in Entrapment is in Security are in (your room when you’re not)
DUDJ is out Tengu is out Editorial integrity is out T Ball Committee are out (of bandwidth) Morality is out
America Jones used to be friends with O’Reilly but disSpike Ball is out tanced herself during the drama to protect her reputation BHOCs are in BNOCs are out as a queer ally and occasional bisexual when guys are, Ennui is in The future is out like, into that. According to Jones, there was never any speculation amongst the friend group that O’Reilly was Refugees are in Dublin is out homophobic. “I mean, the Irish are just so funny and like, Working for your so are gay men, so I assumed that when he said stuff like Going on dates to Dundrum is in roomates grandad is out ‘I think gay people are disgusting’ he was just using his classic Irish dry humor!” Lavazza coffee machine The Perch has always is in
Speaking to other former friends and acquaintances, we Those three days of sun heard similar tales. He was funny, charming, and often two weeks ago were in commented on his disdain for queer people and culture. Waifs are in No one could give any insight to whether or not he was gay. At one point in our investigation, our reporters beCrosswords are in came so fed up that we just gave in and asked O’Reilly Cronyism is in himself. His response? “I don’t support that kind of lifestyle.” Suffice to say, this is a mystery that is yet to be Meds are in solved.
been out
Buzzcuts are out Lads in shorts are out Buzzcuts are out Wordle is out Tony Holohan is out Crying is out
Friend holidays are in
Creme Eggs are out
Course rifts are in
The tea is out
Brunch is in
The Camden is out
Claire is in
Hugh and Ellen are out
The Pansexual Papers: Counselling Service Leaks Therapy Notes Trinity’s paragon of efficiency and thereof. for “two lines, chief”. empathy, the Counselling Service, has • Keeps getting emails from myste- • Infuriated that students can line up once again out done itself. In what it rious “Trinity Ball Committee”; still without being shouted at for the described as a “self-cyber-attack”, the doesn’t know who they are. Lavazza Machine. service mistakenly emailed all of their • Has aggressive aversion to dairy • May need to be sectioned, has alrecords and notes to every student. products. ready referred to hoping to incite So we sent out nosiest and least ethi- • Struggles to make eye contact, an “uprising against our mechanical reporters to dig up dirt on Trinity’s mostly because it strains his neck cal overlords”. BNOCs. to look up that high. Linda Doyle Baldy Pav Man Lavazza Coffee Machine • Undiagnosed—symptoms suggest • Suffers from severe paranoia and • Diagnosed with social anxiety and paranoid delusions. PTSD after family murdered by imposter syndrome. • Insists that she can hear the heartgang of store-bought Prazkys. • Fears that everyone only likes her beat of Paddy Prendergast in the • Is convinced store-brought Prazkys because she is new and inexpenfloorboards of her house at night. are trying to kill him and searches sive. • Is convinced that things have been for them throughout campus. • Low self-esteem, sees herself as moved around while she is out of • Has developed supernatural sense a “cheap wh*re” compared to the the house. of sight which can differentiate PavPerch who is a “high class escort” • Keeps finding men’s beauty prodbought and store-bought Prazkys • Afraid that everyone will turn on ucts in her bathroom including anfrom up to 700m away. her when they realise that she’s just ti-hair loss shampoo and “mid-life • Has alluded to torturing confiscated another cup of watery bean juice. crisis moisturisers”. Prazkys in dungeon in the depths • Bottles of top-shelf wines seem to of that massive empty building be- Moustachioed Perch Man disappear from cellar on a daily baside the Pav. • Suffers from extreme jealousy and sis. homicidal ideation. • Adamantly believes that Paddy Grents • Is obsessively planning the destrucPrendergast is still living in the walls • Insists on being called “Grartion of the Lavazza Coffee Machine. of the Provost’s House. rowsmith”, “Greg for Ents”, “The • Has fallen into depression as there Little Stinker” or some variation are no longer enough customers
Academic Essays, A Rant Academic essays make no sense. You come out of school after being conditioned to write a certain way for six years and then you’re told that it was all a lie (Great!). Your college lecturers sit you down and inform you that there is actually a higher form of teaching known as ‘academic writing;’ an alien language developed by a race of super-virgins to communicate in a way which is so lifeless that even a computer struggles to understand what anyone is talking about. With this language, one must understand a process known as ‘citing,’ which is where nerds with ridiculous names steal the ideas of other nerds with even more ridiculous names and then admit to it at the bottom of the page. But here’s the fun part, there are countless variations of these rules each with their own stupidly intricate formats which will take you de-
cades to learn. It turns creative writing into surgery! And haven’t you always wanted that? Of course, your lecturers cannot reveal the secrets of this language. All they can do is mark you down when you get it completely wrong because where is the fun in explaining it all to the students? And don’t panic if you’re struggling to understand and use this academic language, it just means that you’re not a virgin. It will take time to get better, just try avoid having sex for a while and restrain yourself from having any unique opinions or thoughts. This will help you in your attempts to steal smarter people’s ideas and put them together on one page to try and pass it off as an original argument. We wish you all the best! And remember what Abraham Lincoln once said; ‘Nothing in college makes any fucking sense.’
A Love Letter To the Putinlooking Security Guard As I entered the Lecky, I saw you standing in extreme contrapposto, guarding that hall of knowledge with the authority of St Peter at the pearly gates and the posture of a child shopping with his mum in Dundrum. But the only pearl at your gate was the rotund shininess of your magnificent head. If I were to bite you open like a cream egg, what gooey dreams would come spilling forth? What romance hides behind those vacant eyes? Would I dare take your attention away from the poker game on your phone? My heart started pounding, my eyes sweat and my feet went clammy while fondling myself in search of my T card as I approached you. The thrill of the chase. If I were to hide it, would you invade my southern regions to purge me of evil?
Letters to the Editor Dear editors, In response to your pleas for the whereabouts of the Tr*n*tones in the last issue, please stop inquiring. Unless they can pay the ransom of a science gallery, a hit T.V series, and a guide on how to do this fckn job properly, they will not be released. The aforementioned items can be left outside The Gold Ball Library (new name leak) no later than midnight on the Eve of T-Ball. Anon Returns: 1 Grafton Street
Dear editors, I was most dismayed to see my height misreported in one of your recent issues. I am not 4’7, I, in fact, stand at an imposing 5’1 owing to the platform jelly soles of my sailing booties that I wear like socks inside my all-weather Toms. If you do not retract in your next issue, you will be hearing from my big brother and his knights friends. Catch you later, Grents I mean…. Anon.
A boy can only dream. I held the card up, hands trembling, hair screaming and lips drooling. And then you did it. With the mechanical severity of a man with minimal authority, you nodded your approval. Such a masculine action sent my ears rinsing, my nose snorting, my knees clapping, my back cracking, my cheeks smacking, my ankles snapping and my toenails growing. And then I woke up. Come make my dream a reality. Find me at our spot at 3pm on the last day of term. Lots of lust, Volodymyr Zelen-skeet xxx
New Sam the Fox artwork revealed
Trinity Census Stats Revealed
Poetry Corner
Main Character I like teeth real slow Leaving the bathroom to sit at the kitchen table, Listen to the radio-arts channel-hope its DvorakI’ve decided that I like him now. Wear the bristles down-let the paste fizz and tingle in my mouthAnd remember I once was afraid of mint
Poem from a final year student
Poetry Corner College is nearly over. For all the final year students, was it what you hoped it
would be? Was it easier or harder? Did you fall in love? Did you cry? Did you laugh? Did you carve out your own path or follow someone else’s? Was it worth it? What kind of person leaves a path with no lives or questions? Did you kiss someone that you thought you loved? Were you black out drunk when it happened? Were you only reminded of it two years later? When she was with another lover and incredibly happy? Did you discover new music and share it with new people? Did you fall under? Did your family stay together or drift apart? Did you mind either way? Did your friend come out as gay? Did you love them all the same? Did you swap your old clothes for new ones? Realize that dungarees are cool? Start smoking and ignore the advice of school? Did you find out who you wanted to be? Before forgetting everything? Just hoping to make it out alive? Did you fear that you were going to die? Clutch your heart and sniff up another line? Commit a crime? Or did you think the leaving cert was just a ‘whole load a fuckin’ bollocks’ and experience absolutely none of this?