Icarus editors get messy drunk at Pubs alumni ball, and start writing shit poetry on everyones napkins
Clara Roche undertakes year of voluntary celibacy upon election as editor
László to serve marinated Lawsoc members for starters at inaugral Eat the Rich Dinner
In the days following the results of the 95th Oscars, Paul Mescal’s degree from Trinity is to be revoked due to the fact that “Trinners is only for winners.” The IT department has been asked to divert all attention away from making exams accessible online in the upcoming week to make sure that Paul Mescal has been removed from all alumni platforms. They have also reported that a Trinity representative has been tasked with breaking into the Mescal’s home and tip-exing his Lir degree and changing the institution to Maynooth because “it seems more fitting.”
In unrelated news, Brendan Frasher has been offered an honorary degree from the Lir academy in light of his outstanding win at the academy awards. He truly stands for everything Trinity values in their alumni: being white, male and valued among other white males.
Hi,
I am definitely not an undercover Garda and I want to buy some drugs at TBall. I love drugs, and I can’t get enough of obtaining them through the transference of legal tender. I am going to be buying some drugs for my friends too, so I’ll need a lot. If they have a market value of over €13,000 that’d be super cool!!!
At T-Ball I will be wearing a t-shirt with a picture of The Snoop Dog on it. He is my favourite rap singer-songwriter because he likes to smoke drugs, just like me. Also, don’t be worried if I look like a 40 year-old man. I am not actually a 40 year-old man, I just have Benjamin Button disease. (It’s chronic)
Once you sell me the drugs, we can ride in the new replica Garda car that I bought. Maybe you can take some of the drugs while we are in the car and then operate the vehicle under the influence of said drugs. That would be Lit AF..
I am also looking to buy illegal firearms and concert tickets being sold at above market value. I would also like to watch somebody illegally stream a copyrighted movie. If anybody is interested in doing any of these activities, I will be waiting in front square right by the security cameras. If you would like to sell me the drugs before T-Ball you can reach me at this number: 999.
“Paul Mescal’s degree revoked because ‘Trinners is only for winners’”
1492
Sportalians discover the land of dual BA students
Some point
presumably
The Piranha was actually funny
2025
TBall exposed as elaborative plot by UCD to reduce Trinity’s QS rankings.
2032
TBall to be hosted in Qatar in December
2109
On campus construction finishes on whatever the fuck it is they're building
3027
Berkeley library renamed the Fulham library for the meme
'REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!'
László and Students4Change anytime a political figure steps onto campus
'I mean, why did they even bother?'
Everyone's reaction to a very late issue of The Piranha
'Absolute state of that'
Joe Biden after a being handed a pint from Doyle's
'The bodies! They're everywhere!' Ambulance workers scraping first years off the ground in Front Square after Tball
'Yeah I've actually gone off porn recently, I've just been watching Fred Again...'s Tiny Desk concert instead'
That DUDJ boy you got with
'Here Linda, d'you want in on this order?
Caoimhe Molly trying to buy Linda Doyle's affections with a spicebag at Tball
Dear student(s),
It is with the heaviest of hearts and teariest of eyes that we announce the end of our editorial reign of this glorious publication. All great things must come to an end, and in the case of our editorship, this includes mediocre and uninspired things too.
We are honoured and privileged to have had the responsibility of being the sole source of humour in your sad and pathetic little lives, while also simultaneously carrying the burden of upholding Trinity student journalism over this past year, even if at times it appeared as if it was all too much for a lowly business student and, of all things, a STEM student to bear, however, much like at the end of Toy Story 3, we're passing down our little play thing to younger and probably more deserving hands. Hopefully the results are more fruitful than Toy Story 4, though we don't want to set unrealistic expectations given our reign was Toy Story 2 level at best. But as yet another year's academic adventure draws to a close with the reality of RDS exams looming large, we thought we would help you procrastinate more with yet another edition of everyone's favourite student run satire publication that happens to be distributed on Trinity campus. Forget your core readings, THIS is a core reading!
So sit back, relax, forget about those essays, exams and assignments for a moment or two and enjoy the last edition of the year. We see you, we hear you, we think we're funnier than you. With love, Claire and Matthew x
Haggared Editors:
Claire Brennan
Matthew Keeley
Baby Editors:
Uainín Lindsey
Cormac Sinnott
Contributors:
Caoimhe Molloy
Sophie Bannon
Emma Leuders
Kaatje Vandenberg
Nia Willis
P.S. Jack Smyth can read!
The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that jokes aren’t necessarily things people believe but are instead, jokes. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House.
All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous fresh-water fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman.
The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution.
The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking.
The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
1.Follow the theme:
No one does this. When this reporter asked Max Lynch about the theme for T Ball, he looked confused and said, “I can’t get you a ticket stop asking me and trying to confusing me with riddles”. Research tells us that the theme is in fact “Back to the 90s” so I guess you can dress as you always do but with one of those dodgy black chokers we all sported in our emo phase. Although you must remember, if you dress to the theme then you are a loser.
2.Debs dress:
It will fit. A second pair of spanx and a shoe horn and you’re in! It may be missing some sequins and still smell of the vomit of a Blackrock boy you foolishly brought but it is cheap. Plus the fact it still has suspicious stains from the last time you got paraplegic drunk means that you won’t have to worry about what the rabid t ballers do to it.
3.“Vintage dress”:
By this we do of course mean that you go onto Depop but get frustrated by the lack of sizing. This will lead you to go onto ASOS and buy something for €50 that you saw on Depop for €100. When people ask, just tell them that it is vintage and spit on anyone who said they got their outfit from a fast fashion site.
4.A security guard outfit:
This is a popular choice for those of you without tickets hoping to sneak in. So get yourself a high vis, some actual work boots (not just Docs) and a pair of shades. To pull off this look you need to look like you could feasibly work as a bouncer so remember to put the glitter on after you get in. You also must habitually stare people down and bark at people to get themselves coffees/sober up in order to truly accessorise.
5.Whatever you like + a rain poncho:
This look is for the sensible dresser. It allows for your personality to shine through without requiring you to explain where exactly that blood stain came from to the dry cleaners. The downside of this look is the sweat you will be pumping out but when you look that dumb and smug no one wants to be seen with you regardless of what you smell like
That question. That godforsaken question. All I can hear is that question. Over and over again in different tinges of a south Dublin accent. It seems like everyone who’s anyone is out planning wild, extravagant escapades this summer with their troop of super best friends, destined to have quite possibly the greatest time that a human being has ever had in the history of recorded civilisation, and they really want to tell you about it.
But are you doing? Feck all, that’s what, because you couldn’t organise a fuck in a monkey whorehouse with a fist full of bananas. Well, my friend, today’s your lucky day because we here at the Piranha have compiled a list of potential summer ‘experiences’ you can spend all your parents’ hardearned money on:
J1: If you’re from the country, yer da definitely knows a fella on a construction site in New York who can sort ye out. And if you’re from the southside, I’m sure your father has a business partner out in San Francisco who would be more than happy to repay the favour he did for him back in 2008 and let you potter around the company headquarters for a few months before you jet down to Cancún. No need to worry about any that visa stuff, sure your uncle’s been over there for years and he has still hasn’t been caught
And so, the time has come
May 2023
And now, alack,
This poor old hack
Must leave fair Trinity
First year cut short in March
The second spent in our rooms
And mental strain
Going insane
With lectures on fucking Zoom
Then third year a reprieve
COVID had pissed right off
And oh, the fun
Only 21
How I wish it never stopped
‘Oh yeah, I need a degree’
Poor study planning
And hours spent cramming
Late at night in the library
But now, it’s all come to an end
And with fondness, I now look back
Trinity you’ll be missed
And so I write you this
A poem from a weary old hack
Thailand: It would be too easy to make an Arkbar joke here. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Absolutely tear it up in South-east Asia with all the lads from your sixth year rugby team and engage in ‘some of the greatest horseplay of all time’. Get a tattoo. Get an STI. Get both at the same time!
Interrailing: I swear to god the next person to say the words ‘Lake Bled’ within my earshot is getting their throat ripped out and their lips sewn together. How are you going to tell me all about your boat trip to the island now, Saoirse?
Volunteering in [insert third world country here]: Do it. Save them. Be their hero. They need you, all the poor, helpless, forgotten children of [insert third world country here]. They didn’t know it until now, but you are the answer to all of their problems. Your mere presence alone will inspire hope and joy in them, and all the people of [insert third world country here] will sing your name in praise!
Plead for your job back in Spar: They’d take me back, right?
Fifty guards remain in critical condition in St Vincent’s PTSD Ward following their shift at Trinity Ball. A treating doctor informed us that the patients are incomprehensible but keep repeating, ‘do you KNOW who my Dad is’, ‘I study law, you have no right to search my bag’, and ‘Templemore prick’.Despite ACAB, the editors of the Piranha actually feels really really sorry for any 20 year old from Tipperary who has to spend time in Trinity.
• László to crack down on post-council pizza, instead offering gruel in solidarity with comrades in the trenches (ussher).
• László to remove Business and Medicine as courses, citing concerns they are too employable.
• László to sacrafice Linda Doyles least favourite puppy to allow students to bring their own food into the Buttery.
Speaking exclusively to the Piranha, Beverley Genockey – sole member of TCD Zoology Department, could confirm that Tball appears to have eradicated the invasive population of grey squirrels living on campus. Apparently they awoke from hibernation to the sound checks, and inadvertently consumed the contents of dropped baggies, gurning for several hours before dying and facilitating the return of indigenous flora and fauna to our great institution.
Trinity News did one of these, and ever searching for our ‘journalistic niche’ among the dregs of society in the pubs office - we have decided to engage in light plagiarism. Don’t worry anything goes these days in Trinity pubs (See: University Times, issues 1-4).
Dear Trinity -
It’s been a good four years (three if you exclude the times we were on a break), and I’m sad to be calling it quits - but also you are the most toxic and abusive ex I have ever had, and I’ve dated a med student.
Firstly, well done on squeezing 20,000 undergraduates into an acreage smaller than three office blocks. Thanks for never developing that ‘Trinity East’ campus you were vaguely talking about, otherwise I wouldn’t manage to walk past someone I shagged in first year most days. I won’t miss that. Nor will I miss shagging Trinity students, who’s performance in bed is the reason we have only dropped in the QS rankings since I’ve started here.
I guess I will kind of miss not being able to go for coffee or a rollie without having to say hello to about 20 people I don’t actually like that much. It’ll be so much worse when I have to move home and greet the five members of my family I don’t actually like that much. However, I eagerly await a life where no one knows what a ‘hist’ means, and where nobody I speak to cares about society elections. I am eager to inform you that nobody outside of these walls (and plenty inside these walls) do not.
I’m still not really over the time you charged me €350 for meeting up with my friends in the pits of depression during covid, but I liked that you kept lectures online and enforced mask wearing when no one else did. Even though the whole 40-minute library slot thing was really annoying. Thanks for the periodic mass emails which called us ‘brave’ and’ resilient’, though… they were eh nice (?) even though hiring Tony Holohan was a weird move.
However, it was interesting to see where the thousands I pay to live in a tiny Magnolia-painted cave and late fees go. There truly is no better way to get working class students to pay their fees than to charge them more! See Trinity you’re so smart! Even though the quality of your teaching is actually not that good, but luckily everywhere on this tiny island is seemingly worse, so you get away with it. In fairness, you’re kind of pretty, in the right light, and when you don’t have scaffolding over every facade. I do keep falling for your ‘u up’ texts, in the form of Pav Fridays, cricket pitch rollies and rose garden lattés. But that’s not really about you, it’s the people, who’s Pavlov-esque provisions of rollies have tricked me into friendship.
So fair play Trinity, you are overpriced, overrated and a bit of a prick - but you introduced me to the three people I’ll stay in contact with after May, and you never forget your first (degree).
See you soon Trinity, (when you charge me to rent a cap and gown for thirty minutes that you already own and won’t wash between wears), and don’t be a stranger (email me asking me for alumni donations despite the fact that I’ll be living in my parents’ house until I’m 30 cos none of your graduates have yet managed to make any positive contribution to Irish socio economic policy) Cheers x
It was a proud day for Trinity College Dublin this week as students Donnacha O’Leary and Fiachra Porter were granted the highest possible honour by the Nobel Committee for their podcast “Lads and Lagers”. Frequent topics of discussion on the show include how Captain Marvel ruined the MCU, the best crypto to buy, and that one story about the time Fiachra almost shit his pants on the Luas. Fiachra and Donnacha were recognised by the Nobel Committee at a small ceremony in Oslo last Friday. Head of the Nobel Committee Lars Kristiansen praised the boys’ show, stating that the Committee was deeply impressed by the boys’ dedication to keeping it one hundred, their commitment to being funny fuckers, and their bravery in sharing their dark sense of humor now that everything has gone so PC.
The show has not only proven itself to be popular with Norwegian academics, but with the public as well, as highlighted by the millions of adoring fans tuning in each week to hear the boys say it how they see it, and forget to talk directly into their microphones. The last episode of “Lads and Lagers” had a record listenership of 8 million live listeners, just beating out Trinity FM’s previous total listenership record of 6, but the station has insisted that nothing is going to change. Committee members at Trinity FM have ensured Piranha readers that the station will still broadcast plenty of your favourite genres of Trinity FM programming such as “Upper class girl playing bad indie music” or "Two white guys talking about bad movies but running out of things to say after 15 minutes"
Having now returned home, it is clear that the boys’ star is still on the rise, with President Joe Biden, while on his visit to Trinity, inviting the lads back to the White House for a couple of cans. The future looks bright for Fiachra and Donnacha, but they insist that they have not changed, and that their mind is on bigger things, such as “Why is everybody so offended these days?”, “What happened to Wibbly Wobbly Wonders?”, and “Why do they call it the Eurosaver menu if nothing is a euro?”
p.s this is a light commentary on the current Dublin renting crisis, it's not actually about a bird
Due to rising accommodation prices in our nation’s capital, many young people are calling for the implementation of permanent rent caps in Dublin, fearing that rising rent prices may prevent them from pursuing third level education. According to Arctic Penguin Pingu, though, it is from the youth that this issue stems. We interviewed him to discuss this issue further, here are some of his thoughts:
(All interviews translated from penguinese to English)
Piranha (PR) - So why do you think young people are struggling to find accommodation, Pingu?
Pingu (PG)- “Laziness. It’s as simple as that. They are lazy and they are spoiled. Kids these days, they have no practical skills. They complain about not being able to find anywhere to live, and to some extent that’s valid, but for a second, just think to yourself, have you, in the last 20 years, ever seen a student building themselves an igloo to live in? No, you haven’t because they want luxury. They wouldn’t accept it.. They’d all say it’s too cold or would complain that it’d melt when the weather rises above 0°c.”
PR- Do you think that if young people saved their money better, they’d be able to afford other accommodation
PG- “They definitely could but they aren’t willing to. They could save on food for one. Let me ask you this, what's the last time you saw a young person today fishing out of a little hole in the ground? Think about it.I can’t even remember the last time I saw that. Instead they waste all of their money on takeaway. You can’t have it both ways, you can either eat domino’s and be homeless, or eat raw salmon with some ice above your head”
PR- “Do you think anything will change?”
PG- “I’ll be honest with you, I don’t. They don’t have the work ethic to do anything about it. They spend all of their time drinking and smoking. When I was younger, our idea of fun was lining up on a toboggan and going down the big ice hill in the middle of the glacier. I can’t remember the last time I saw a group of kids get on a toboggan and slide down a big ice hill in the middle of a glacier.”
Is there really a housing crisis, or is there simply a problem with the youth of today? Well, the existence of people like the Arctic Penguin Pingu seems to prove the latter, showing us that if young people could simply find the self-discipline to forgo their spoiled ways, living a simple life, residing in igloos and surviving on diets of raw salmon, then they probably wouldn’t have gotten themselves into this mess in the first place.
Amidst the housing crisis, cost of living crisis, the atrocities of Ukraine, Afghanistan, Venezuela and Yemen - our journalists spoke to the real victims; final year Trinity students who live on campus.
Aimëe expressed the difficulty she had walking around the tball stage, forcing her to make the treacherous “long way round” journey from the seat in the Berkeley pit she refuses to give up to any student commuting in from Mullingar, home back to her tcd wifi-ed House 2 apartment complete with desk space.
Another group of girls, who spoke under the condition of anonymity and would only provide their Snapchat group chat name (The BESSt Galz), lamented at the fact that no longer can they leave their MacBooks open for 3 hours while they pay €17 for mediocre salads, due to the reintroduction of the “Library Gestapo”
Tóbyas shared their struggle with ‘session depression’ since tball, “the high was so good but I just haven’t been myself since, like I’ve got with eight girls and felt nothing”, been myself since, like I’ve got with eight girls and felt nothing”, Tóbyas assured us that it’s the effects of a prolonged comedown and not, as Trinity Health suggested, the fact that he’s a psychopath who hates women and can’t feel emotion.
Fionnghuala expressed how much she hated the makeup she had done in Charlotte Tilbury. “I asked for tball vibes and the hun (used as a slur) honestly made me look as if I was going to Maynooth Hurling ball”.
“There are plenty of places to stay in Dublin, young people just aren’t trying hard enough”Pingu
Linda Doyle Drops new campaign to stop the girlie pops doing lines in the BLU toilets (thats why the queues are always so long shhhhhh)
Editor Handover Spec (Maybe they'll be better at graphic design?)
HARD LAUNCH TIME!
