THE PIRANHA- VOL.44-Issue III- Election 2023

Effectively avoiding the election campaigner standing at the entrance of your class: the Dos

and Don'ts

You may think you’re safe: the days are getting the tiniest bit longer, the stress of last term is well behind us, and exams aren’t for another seven months, I think(?). But, as every Trinity student is aware, even the tiniest glimmer of hope in student life can only mean certain fucking doom is just around the corner. And sure enough, the TCD SU election campaigners have risen from Hell in their poorly made fruit of the loom catchphrase t-shirts, ready to roam this already godforsaken, unholy (protestant) campus. Below are some top tips to avoid these cretins on campus:

Do: Carry a random leaflet with you at all times. These campaigners have one goal and one goal only: to get rid of their leaflets. The campaigner that they’re representing (want to ride) needs to get the word out about their zero waste ambitions for campus, and what better way to get their message across than printing 900 full colour informational leaflets with their face on the cover! Simply carry a picture of some other campaigner clearly on your person before entering any of their hotspots (The Arts Block/Outside the Hamilton/The Fifth circle of Hell). Or, better yet, carry a crucifix! Nothing better to beat back the unholy campaigners with.

Don’t: See them as people.

They’re not. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. These things don’t have human traits: they don’t have friends, acquaintances, or lecturers they need to disappoint. They exist solely to shill. And they will do anything to achieve their goal. Seeing them as people will only draw you closer into their circle, and trust me, you don’t want to know what lies inside that circle.

Do: Practice your show tunes!.

Even if the aforementioned leaflet strategy fails, simply singing any and all show tunes as you walk to class is a surefire way to not only drive away the dreaded campaigners, but your fellow students, staff, alumni and lost tourists. Practice is key, so getting the basic repertoire staples down is a great first step. But throwing in a quick kick ball change and the occasional Hamilton line in will ensure your safety from those annoying campaigners, as well as safety from ever losing your virginity. This strategy, while effective, should be used as a last resort, as any reference to the work of Lin-Manuel Miranda will attract a fog of TMT members, who will make you pas de chat all the way to the Chelsea Drugstore against your free will, so pick your poison. You have been warned.

Don’t: Make eye contact.

This is absolutely crucial. Of course, eye contact will be taken as a cue for them to approach you and waste as much of your time as possible, obliterating your chances of making it to your lecture in time to grab the only functioning desk. But eye contact needs to be avoided for another, more vital reason; once you look into their eyes, you will see the vacancy. Oh god, the vacancy. The unknowable vast emptiness permeating their soul. They are trapped, they know it, but they cannot find a way to express it. Their souls are forced to toil forever in the depths of Hell (The Perch entrance) for eternity, and now, so is yours. Is this really what you want from your potential SU representatives?

Why RON should be the only name on your ballot sheet!

This year’s SU elections have seen a broad and diverse range of hopeful candidates contesting for the sabbatical office positions. Adorned in bright campaign t shirts and canvassing with students, the nominees have been campaigning hard around campus looking for your vote. The fools!

Don’t listen to what they’re telling you, there is only one candidate you should vote for this year, and that man’s name is RON.

Who is RON?:

RON, full name Rory O’Neill, is a 4th year PPES student undertaking the seemingly impossible but unquestionably brave and noble task of contesting each and every SU election this month. Yep, that’s right, the whole shebang! Should he win, he will become the first person to hold all of the sabbatical positions and, per the Trinity Constitution, will wield enough power to usurp Linda Doyle as Provost and become Supreme Leader of Trinity College. RON is no stranger to swooping in and stealing the vote and has been known to do it more than once in any given individual race.

Why should I vote for RON?:

RON is running on a campaign to reintroduce smoking to Trinity, strongly opposing the college administration’s policy to move towards a ‘smoke-free campus’. RON plans to hand out a free pack of amber leaf to each student who vows to vote for him in the upcoming elections. As for any other campaign proposals, when this reporter asked RON what else he was running on, he simply replied ‘vibes’.

What would a RON premiership look like?:

The rivers will run with gold and the clouds will rain free HSE condoms. Like St Patrick banishing the snakes, all Americans will be vanquished from campus and Printing House Square will be rightly repatriated to the good and honourable Irish students who deserve them. Justice and integrity will return to the halls of power within Trinity College and soon the name ‘Gabi Fulham’ will be but a distant memory. The buttery will be affordable again. The Campanile will be camp again. Trinity will be great again! All with RON as our beloved ruler

But at the same time, we’re The Piranha. What would we know about elections? But yeah, vote RON, or don’t, who cares, I don’t believe in elections anyway.

1652

Olivia Orr attends her first Trinity ents event, age 12

1759

Student counselling waiting list opens

1867

The first day of the first of many 'Defund the UT' campaigns

2057

Campus security ask for proof of marriage to sign in overnight guests.

3022

Tinie Tempah celebrates 100th year of residency playing at Trinity Ball.

4067

Zoe Cummins recovers and re runs her Presidential campaign

“Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt

'Giz a drag of that, you filthy little whore' Linda Doyle catches a student off guard, smoking on the cricket pitch

'Yeah I've actually stopped rolling myself, my Dad says it makes me look poor' Overheard in the queue for Midnight Disco

”

'Okay we literally let Deirbhile play the spice girls at the Christian Union gig on Friday, for a whole four minutes, thirty-five seconds' DUDJ battle the CSC's misogyny allegagtions

'I play *sniff* a very active part in Dublin's nightlife *sniff, sniff*'

An.... emotional... Nadia makes her first hustings speech on the dining hall steps

'But burning the entire institution to the ground was meant to be MY thing' A sobbing Gabi Fullam refuses to back László

Notes From The Throne The Piranha

Greetings peasants,

It’s that time of year again when this pathetic excuse of a publication writes itself as our army of disgusting little arse-lickers (writers) attempts to belittle, embarrass and humiliate a collection of complete strangers for the heinous crime of running for student office, all in the name of student journalism! This issue of The Piranha was written before the line-up for Trinity Ball was announced but knowing the limited talents of our writers, we probably couldn’t make any funny jokes about it anyway.

With Reading Week just around the corner, the pressure is on to spend what is left of your precious savings (after pissing away most of it in Val Thorens) on a mediocre society trip to Madrid. All the while saving up for that big trip to Southeast Asia/J1/Backpacking around Europe to “find yourself”. And in an economy where a pint in Doyle’s now costs €6.50 no less.

On a more personal note, it's been a great week for your esteemed Piranha editors. Our crippling daddy issues have now finally been resolved as Paddy Prendergast now follows us on Instagram. This. Is. Huge! As for the baldy Pav man, we haven’t forgotten about you Stephen. It’s been too long, the kids miss you, please come home. Finally, we ask that all complaints be brought to the Trinity Publication office in House 6, yours truly won’t be there, but we’d honestly just love to see the writing staff of Trinity Film Review try and put up with your whiny bullshit x.

And remember in this turbulent election season: We see you, we hear, we think we’re funnier than you. Love, Claire and Matthew x

Editors:

Claire Brennan

Matthew Keeley

Contributors:

Kaatje Vandenberg

Jenny Maguire

Katy White

Uainín Lindsey

Cormac Sinnott

Caoimhe Molloy

Laura Shannon

Nia Willis

Leigha Plunkett

Molly Longstaff

Will Browne

The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that jokes aren’t necessarily things people believe but are instead, jokes. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House.

All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous fresh-water fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman.

The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution.

The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha

studio audience.

How to watch Rugby like a pro (or at least like a medium ugly white man from Dalkey)

It's Six Nations season! Do you have zero interest in watching sweaty grown men fight over a ball but don’t want to feel left out? Don’t worry, we got you. Here’s our foolproof, tried-and-tested guide to getting through this rugby season like a professional (spectator, that is, not player).

What to wear:

The typical rugby-enjoyer also enjoys a very specific dress style. If we’re going to be cisnormative about this (which is a key aspect of rugby culture) - for the guys, the go-to is a rugby jersey and chinos, for the ladies, anything that’s green but also reminds everyone you’re hot and NOT LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS, YOU’RE A SPORTY GIRL, is perfect. Failing this, anything that screams ‘I’m a prick’ will do in a pinch.

What to say:

To sound like a rugby territory (South Dublin +/- Castleknock) native, there’s just a few things you need to remember. 1) Make sure all your vowels are really drawn out and add a ‘w’ wherever you can. For example, ‘fluke’ becomes ‘flewwwwwwwk’. 2) Shorten every word in the most annoying way imaginable. For example, ‘rugby’ becomes ‘ruggers’, ‘lucozade’ becomes ‘leucooo’ etc. 3) Speak at 4 times the necessary volume. Seriously, don’t be shy about it, it’s rugby season and you’re a rugby head, everyone will be grateful to hear your opinion!

What to do:

This one is easy. Just remember that you own the place (well, your dad does) and you should act like it. Be loud, be obnoxious, wreck the place, get too drunk, get aggressive with anyone who tries to insinuate that you’re being any of the aforementioned things, and you’re golden.

See you in Searsons!

ROLE CALL

Trinity has had some brilliant attendance this term with our student body showing up and showing out for all Trinity has to offer. The below table shows the number of attendees for the most popular Trinity events and locations:

Anarchy Printing House Square

Existential Anticipation Financial Insecurity

Voter Fraud

Sensitive matters

Cronyism

Oversharing

Your parents reading The Piranha Clubs till 6 am

The 39a towards Ongar

Two Door Cinema Clubif i was

hedging bets

vOTinG rOn

Saying slay

Tball

The Gabi + Max love story <3

The house and the boots

Pav Friday

The 1975 Protein Bars Solo

Synchronised Swimming Society Trips

Abroad Groups of 3 or more people

Getting excused for online harassment

Conservative corner!!!Enoch Burke and the rise of the filthy liberal agenda

In order to highlight our commitment to remaining a politically unbiased magazine, we here at the Piranha have invited writers at The Burkean to contribute to our current issue, here is their contribution:

The radical leftist agenda in Trinity has made finding a modest and decent woman an impossibility. Most female students in Trinity have been infected by liberal teachings, and as such believe that not only should men see women as equals, but also that men should not subsist on a diet of Dairylea Dunkers and big bottles of Yop.

The Liberal agenda has turned the women in Trinity into deviants who take joy in flaunting their bodies for all to see. Why, yesterday, in the arts block, I saw a mature student exposing her breasts in public to feed her child. Where have the conservative values of modesty and decency gone? My mother, an honest god-fearing woman, would never stand for such a thing, and that's why, to this day, she only breastfeeds me within the privacy of our own home.

BESS Comunity Hurt and Shocked by “Hateful” SideChat Posts

BESS students -identifiable by their subtle yet distinctive air of confidence, nepotism, and empty corporate greed- have always occupied a contentious place in the hierarchy of degrees. Historically, the criticisms of BESS have always come from their less employable (and less attractive) PPES counterparts- and thus rendered ineffectual since the BESS students “don’t speak broke.” However, with the success of SideChat, students of all degrees now have a platform to insult BESS anonymously; this has acted as an opening of floodgates of sorts. The mockery of BESS has become so widespread that a new filter specifically for BESS Hate is said to be added to the app in the coming months. But how has this derision affected the BESS community?

“I used to be proud of my degree,” An anonymous BESS source confided in me, “Everyone used to tell me all the time how attractive people in BESS were. And it's true. We are very attractive But now when I tell people I do BESS, they always seem to get this sly smile on their face- and I know- I just know. I feel like I need to tell everyone that I’m not like other BESS students- I feel like I need to act ashamed of who I am and what I do. I just don’t feel safe studying BESS at Trinity anymore.”

Other BESS students have taken the offensive.

“The one consolation,” Chad Beckenson says, “Is that one day, all the small, ugly people, putting these small ugly lies on SideChat, will one day work for me.” Beckenson, then, proceeded to show me a crayon diagram of his plan to become an executive corporate CEO of Wall Street (complete with a detailed drawing of him doing cocaine off of Margot Robbie’s boobs). “When my plans come to fruition, they’ll all be sorry.”

The one consolation for the BESS community is that many are left in blissful ignorance of the hate they receive due to the fact that so few know how to read.

The societal corruption caused by modern liberalism in Ireland can be seen loudly and clearly in the recent Enoch Burke fiasco, wherein it was established that free speech is but a thing of the past. Enoch Burke, an honest man, was fired from his job for the crime of stating how he feels, and chasing a pre pubescent child around a P.E hall. I’ve said it before and I said it again, If it is illegal to share your opinion, and threaten small children, then this country is not a place in which I want to live, and although the staff at PlayZone were not convinced, this is a message that I will never stop spreading.

I’d like to thank you for reading this article, and I hope you enjoyed me owning the liberals. Now, if you don’t mind, I have to get back to cultivating as awful a personality as humanly possible, thank you.

SHHHHHHH!!!! TBALL LINE UP ANNOUNCED

SU Candidate rundown:

It’s that time of year again! As the SU elections beckon the articles are practically writing themselves as a collection of oddballs, egomaniacs and opportunistic, ladder-climbing slimeballs battle it out against each other for the esteemed prize of a doss year out of college promoting ‘welfare’ or ‘education’ or something, as if those two words hold any meaning in Trinity College Dubin. For those who have hitherto been blissfully unaware of the existence of these cretins, this reporter has compiled an extensive and exhausted list of all of the half-funny jokes I could come up with about these, quite frankly, rather boring individuals:

László Molnárfi: i'm tying this one in all lowercase because apparently he hates capitalism or something (I don’t know what it is). [insert lazy and questionably xenophobic joke about eastern europeans and communism here]. i don’t really know much about the guy if i'm being honest, all i know is that he’s the founder of a group called ‘students4change’. like, like its students ‘for’ change, they substitute the word ‘for’ for the letter ‘4’, fucking brilliant.

Zoe Cummins:

I think there’s supposed to be two dots over the ‘e’ but honestly, I don’t know how to do that on my laptop. Apparently she was struck off the ballot, but I guess she struck back cause she’s still here. Who doesn’t love a good comeback story? Like Bertie Ahern! The urge not to make a cum joke is honestly unbearable, but if Piranha writers are known for anything, it’s their unwavering commitment to first rate satire

Tilly Schaaf:

Ursula Von Der Leyen’s puppet, planted to counter Molnárfi style radicalism feared by the highest up of Eurocrats. Unfortunately, what Tilly doesn’t know is that the masses were radicalised in “Introduction to Political Science B” and that euroscepticism is IN.

Aoife Bennet:

Aoife Bennet was previously involved with welfare in Halls, and so she is used to working with drunk, messy people that have no idea what they’re doing. So, she’ll work really well with TCD’s board

Nadia:

Guess who’s back? Back again. Naddy and her baddies have returned for another bite of the apple after the disappointment of her previous campaign last year. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if she lost twice? Like, wouldn’t it? This election is to Nadia what the Qatar World Cup was to Messi, one last shot at greatness, one more chance to fulfil a legacy (that metaphor was for all the blokes out there)

Olivia Orr:

Now I’ve always been a big fan of names with alliteration: Kim Kardashian, Danny DeVito, Bugs Bunny. But that’s nothing compared just a first name: Oprah, Cher, Beyoncé. You catch my drift?

Sam Kelly: Sam is ready to make Ents safe! We at the piranha are sure his experience as Ents officer for the hist will help with this, as we all know how safe and inclusive the hist is!

Catherine Arnold: If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, will anyone give a shit about Catherine’s Education campaign?

Aiesha Wong:

Aiesha Wong is contesting the Comms race. No stranger to sending mass-emails, graphic design, or spam posting your feed, Aiesha seems a shoo-in.

Clara Roche: Vying to increase the number of UT writers from 2 to 3

What you need to know about who you need to know

TCDSU Recruitment Call Out

“Will I enjoy my course ball??”

With prices soaring to €80 to spend your evening with BESS students, we at the piranha have given you a key (lol) to help you decide what balls to attend:

Law Ball: Blink and you'll miss it! Law ball was over before the semester even began. Reports would suggest that you didn't miss anything unless you particularly enjoy a night standing around in the cold waiting for buses to pick you up at 1 am from a poorly furnished 4 star hotel in the countryside.

Players Ball: Kinky, sexy, latex, kissing (no sex), poppers (no coke), film photos, interesting outfits, poor make up choices. Shall I go on?

BESS Ball: Oh no you missed your debs? Well no worries because you have the opportunity to cry and throw up while watching your date shift the face off somebody else for the small fee of 85 yoyos (prosecco reception NOT included)

MedBall: Fierce amount of M.D (s) at this one.

Phil Ball: Enter at your own risk. Your head might explode from the sheer amount of bullshit you have to consume as you're placed next to David, 23, 16 points short of PPES, at dinner.

Bál Gaelach: Níl morán le labhairt faoi ar an gceann seo. Munar fhéidir an t-alt seo a thuiscint ní bhfiú duit dul chuig an mbál mar is saghas cult í an chumann ag an pointe seo and ní labhairtear béarla leat ar aon scór.

Hall Ball: Launch your JCR campaign

A note from the Electoral Commission

ATTENTION ALL: WE HAVE BIG NEWS WHICH WE CANNOT DESCRIBE DUE TO THE SENSITIVE NATURE OF THE ISSUE

Someone, who can’t be named due to the sensitive nature of the issue, has committed an offence, which we cannot describe due to the sensitive nature of the issue; somewhere, which we can not name due to the sensitive nature of the issue.

Please know it is very very very juicy campus gossip - but we strongly caution against any speculation or discussion of the above. We are aware that as the whatever ranked university in the world, Trinity aims to promote discourse and curiosity. However, we are sure that you will all realise that this particular gossip is off limits and will continue about your day as if you never read this news item.

LEAKED: SU INSTAGRAM DM'S

The Word of the Lord

In the beginning, Gabi Fullam created the Heavens, the Earth, and The Berkeley Library. Now the earth was formless and empty, but Gabi didn’t really care about that, she was more concerned with renaming the Berkeley library, so she thought she’d nip that in the bud.

On the first day, Gabi said “Let us rid the Berkeley Library of its name”. The Berkeley Library was ridded of its name, and Gabi saw that this was good.

On the second day, Gabi really should have been getting onto the Heaven and Earth stuff but, instead, she said “Let the Berkeley Library be given a placeholder name”. The library wasn’t officially renamed “The X Library'' but she got everybody to start calling it that anyway, and she saw that this was good.

On the third day, you really would have expected Gabi to like devote her time and resources to something more important like, I don’t know, separating the light from the dark, but instead, she said “Let us consider a new name for the X library”, and I personally thought she was taking the piss a bit. A new name was considered, and she saw that this was good.

On the fourth and fifth days, Gabi once again said “Let us consider a new name for the X library”. You can’t get an appointment with the counselling services, a number of students are homeless, and the waters hadn’t even been filled with living creatures yet, so I feel like the whole renaming of the library thing should’ve been put on the backburner for the time being. A new name was considered. Gabi saw that it was good.

On the sixth day– the universe has to be finished by today, by the way–Gabi asked again, “Let us consider a new name for the X library.” Brilliant, nothing important has been done. What a colossal fucking waste of time.

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TRINITY BALL POSTER DROPS

University Times writers Callout