Election Edition Feb/Mar 2022
003
The
MUSIC
CRIME
Where are the TrinDebating societies to itones?!: Group rumerge under name moured to be held “Wrong’un Soc”. captive in No.1 Grafton Street. pg 5,6,7,8 pg 999
DRAMA
New Players’ Committee forms coalition between ugly techies and pretty girls who dress fat. pg. 24601
INSIGHT
Study finds Phil/Hist members make best campaign staff: Skills in bullying and grooming freshers both major assets.
Piranha
ANKLE-BITING SATIRE FROM THE MURKEY DEPTH OF TRINITY COLLEGE DUBLIN
VOTE EARLY, VOTE OFTEN, VOTE RON!
SU Candidates, in brief Emer Moreau: The sequel Although it feels quite “angery comedian who punch good” of me to imply that Mairead Maguire and Emer Moreau are the same person just because they have the same haircut, I think in this case I’m like entirely correct? Let’s take a look at the facts: Mairead was spotted filling up her water bottle on campus last week, and guess who else has been known to consume water on occasion…. Coincidence? I think not. Greg Arrowsmith, the next generation Moulded from Arrowsmith’s very own block of butter, Donnelly was destined for greatness since he first set sail with DUSC. The right honourable Sir Ross Donnelly is determined to give
YOU the events that Greg just was never arsed co-ordinating. His entire purpose will to be to bring Trinity Ents back to its baseline mediocre self and to cut little baby Arrowsmith some slack because college has been TIRING for that girl all year; for every one step we take, he takes fifteen. Max Lynch Peaked in secondary school, regenerated, and seems to be peaking again in college. This man is single handedly keeping the pav and the button factory open purely with his vibes, dj decks and coke habit. Being an engineer who is captain of the surf club, involved in DUDJ and running for ents he’s walking the well trodden path of a ten year stint in college.
Nadia Aboulleil Unlike the BOYS, she’s been to a Tball, so she has more experience in blacking out under the campanile than they do. Nadia’s manifesto is campaigning for safe acquisition of drugs on campus but it reads more like a business card to be honest. Being high is cool, sahhh dudes.
not really bothered about workers rights”. Gabi Fullam I *think* she might be angry, just a vibe that I’m getting.
Cúnlá Mórrís A chairde, a dhaoine uaisle, an phobal ar fad(á), ‘I just want everyone to live in a world of rainbows and butterflies and gaeilge and sunshine and any other buzz Rebecca Kelly Aldi Amy Hubermann, the words I can think of’ lovechild of Vogue Williams and the SU’s anti Gabi lobby Chloe Staunton group, Rebecca Kelly is your Just the anglicised version favourite gal next door and of Cúnla Morris she’s all about THE GALS (but not the ones trying to Julie Smirnova get ahead of her). From my Passion is graphic design. brief instagram stalk, Re- No more words becca Kelly screams “Molly Mae wasn’t even that tone Zoe Cummins deaf”, and “No I still really hahaha CUMmins. want to go to Alfies gals I’m
Leaked Document Reveal Potential New Names for Berkeley Library Option 1: In similar move to Schr*dinger lecture theatre- now known as The Physics Lecture theatre- the library will simply be renamed The Book Library. Option 2: Remove the name and, in the interim, project enlarged images of BIPOC on the building at night. Option 3: Just close the thing, it wasn’t making money anyway. Rename it the Prendergast-Naughton Book Hub. Under this scheme, an entry fee would be charged. Option 4: Entirely miss the point and rename it the George Salmon library. Option 5: Rename it Lecky Ultra. Talking, vaping, vigorously shifting so that your septum piercings get linked together would be allowed and encouraged. Getting grades above 2:2 level not permitted.
This Day in History 1672
“Headwrecks only” written into SU election rules
1999
Rebecca Kelly live tweets own birth
2000
Someone decides to name their child Cúnla
2023
“
Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt
”
2072
“Her name is literally an anagram of Berkeley clac… I don’t know what the last bit means but it sounds problematic to me” - Fullam’s campaign staff on why we shouldn’t vote for Rebecca Kelly
3000
“What if we kissed?” - Non-resident tries to bribe his way onto campus after hours
Student politics successfully eradicates racism Gabi Fullam gets her first ever laugh at Improv show Trinity counsellors replaced by seagulls to provide same service at lower cost
“Probably, I’m only a kids size 4” - Greg Arrowsmith on if his successor will fill his shoes
Notes From The Throne Well, well, well, if it isn’t that time of the year when hacktivists and unsettlors creep from their society committee rooms into your DMs asking if you’ll share their campaign materials as though your last messenger exchange wasn’t them refusing to share their notes for Sociology in first year. This is the true spooky season of the college year when corridors and cobblestones are haunted by the primary colour t-shirt wearing ghosts of BNOCs past, when instagram stories are invaded by garish, and dare I say inaccessible, manifestos, when every off colour remark you’ve ever made will be held against you as you are recruited to wear those t-shirts and post those stories. Elections are a period of suffering for all. Dear freshers and second years, stay friendless. Better still, continue to talk to no one at all. It will bring you a peace that we elder statesmxn could only wish for. For your own safety too, steer clear of any ruinous behaviour that could be dredged up should you, in a fit of sophister senility, decide to seek office. It is too late for us. There are far too many of those skeletons in our closets to even consider running for SU. Whether we’ve been bystanders to the institutional bullying that let [name redacted] and [name redacted] run rampant in the GMB or have committed the sin of being chief weapon in Law for the past four years, we know the screenshots would not do us any favours. This seems not to have stopped our presidential candidates this year and we applaud their bravery. From the pits of hell to which our dark pasts condemn us, we, the editors of the only Trinity newspaper to be scandal free since ‘06, are permitted to pass judgement on those who hold themselves up as paragons of virtue while they reach for the first rung in the ladder of a lonely and unfulfilling career on the periphery of Irish politics… Vote early, vote often, vote RON. Ellen and Hugh xxx
“Just left at these lights up here, thanks” - A really confused, half asleep and still drunk student to the person in front of him in his 9am lecture “Hey, eh, how’s the craic? I mean —” - Quinner… Unnamed Man shouting at girl he desperately fancies “A Perch meal deal and/or bag” - Cúnla Morris on alternatives to Trinity Counselling Service “I’ll vote for whoever pledges to reopen the lecky entrance” - David, 7th year BESS, unaware that there are other libraries “‘Yes, even the uggos” - Max Lynch campaign chief on inclusion policy
The Piranha
Editors: Ellen Higgins Hugh O’Leary
Writers: Curtis Winklemann Mia Earle Claire Brennan Rey Aloha Genghis Neill Cormac Sinnott Ellen Collins Nigel English Mingus Cirillo The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that jokes aren’t necessarily things people believe but are instead, jokes. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The
Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Top of the Vox Pops
Rants and Ravings: Power Trips, T-Cards and Turnstiles There he sits. The man who guards the only entrance into the library. The legends say that he is as old as time itself…however, he looks around 62 and is ageing horribly. If people with weapons wanted to enter the library, they would have to get past this man first. ‘Ha! Good luck,’ says I. Armed with the ability to raise his voice for no reason and a face which could not be picked out of a line-up of really old, white men, he is most definitely a force to be reckoned with. Fear him. Revere him. He will openly watch YouTube for several hours on the job without sound. He doesn’t need sound. He is not sound. He is ‘old school;’ he enjoys verbally abus-
ing young people who are trying to unlock their phone to show him their t-card. And I must say, It’s really interesting to see how people would be treated in this world if respect didn’t exist. We thank you for this interesting lesson man who guards the only entrance into the library. If I had to offer him one critique though, it would be that it seems unnecessary to shout at a person who is exiting the library and taking off their mask. It might be a little bit hard to understand but the big, bad outside world mean no mask on face because the big, bad outside world is out-side. Maybe if someone helped this really old man
understand what was going on in general this might prevent such ridiculous power trips from happening in the future. His partner, the woman who stands downstairs for 12 straight hours and who’s job is to let students know that their nose is on their face and she can see it above their mask would also benefit from this lesson. Also, if she could not raise her voice to an absurd decibel level when giving out to people for existing that would be even better. This is a library after all; silence and actually getting the fuck off my back when I have a dissertation due IS REQUESTED.
Post-Covid Nightlife Review The bars are open. The pubs are open. The clubs are open. We can dance. We can sing. We can be brought on dates to Mad Egg by some law WOAT. But things have changed with Covid. So here’s The Piranha’s review of Dublin’s hottest venues. The Pav An oldie but an “oh my god get me out of here”. Little did we know when the Pav was closed on that fateful Tuesday in 2020 that it would be two full years before the steps were once again filled with everyone you hoped to avoid. But all the home comforts are still there: four prazky for a tenner, the fury of the pav man, and the collective stench of wishing you were anywhere else. 7/10 The George Come for the free entry, stay for the creeping questioning of your own sexuality. We all missed it. What is still the best bop in Dublin has been put into overdrive recently as hordes of youths who spent their lockdowns experimenting with the gay side of PornHub come out of the closet and into the George. All will be welcomed with open arms and inappropriate touching. Gay/10 Coppers Like the finely aged marmalade sitting alone in your fridge, Coppers is loved by few and detested by many but you’ll take it when there’s nothing else going. When one is looking for their figurative and literal hole, one will go to great lengths and most of us are not above pretending to also be amazed by the light up dancefloor like the culchie crowd inside there. Some would call it a cultural exchange. “Yeah yeah love, I’m sure working on the frontlines as a nurse was such a buzzwrecker, do you wanna split a bag?”
Portlaoise/10
Chaplain’s After a long hard day of fluting around her gaff and naming new buildings something like “The Sky Horizon Innovation Caldarium”, it’s said that Linda Doyle puts away a few four euro pints in this pub to keep her demons at bay. Bring back the Covid-era bouncer and keep her out of our mouldy oasis. Better than Doyle’s/10
IN//OUT Are you running for an SU position and have no idea what’s actually going on because you’ve spent four years being a hack? Probably not because those people only skim through The Piranha to see if anyone mentions them. Or maybe you’re a final year who wants to know what all these kids are up to with their TikToks. You don’t want to know the answer to that one. Anyway, here’s whats in and what’s out for Hilary term:
In
Out
JSTOR is in
Dissertations are outttt
Clubs are in
The pandemic is out
Buying handbags is in
David Kenny is out
Relationships are in
Kissing your housemate is out
Bag is in Leaking sources is in
Integrity in student journalism is out
Virtue signalling is in
George Berkeley is out
RON is (hopefully) in
Racism is out
BeReal is in
Rebecca Kelly’s finsta is out
Niall Duffy is in Getting that chip off your shoulder is out
Asking people where they’re really from is out
Being aiiingreee is in
Trinity’s colonial past is out
Gilets are in
Mullets are out
Puzzy Wrangler is in
The Trinitones are out (there somewhere)
The Russians are in (Ukraine)
Peace in Europe is out
The Gingerman is in
The Pav is out
Dopplegangers are in
Individuality is out
Gentle pints are in
The Gingerman’s singing barman is out
Allegations are in
Trespassing is out
Shitting in the corner of the pav is in
Social norms are out
Having things stuck in your teeth is in
Masks are out
ATTENTION: Product Recall A factory recall has been issued for guys wearing the following clothes. You need to return to the factory as there was a massive error in creating you. Turns out we had the asshole meter turned up to 100% instead of the regular 70%. 1. Guys who pull skin-tight jeans over their incredibly large legs so that they look like sausages bursting out of their casing. 2. Guys who wear those white fluffy hoodies so that they look like really buff sheep. 3. Guys who wear gilets with shorts. The gilet is considered the shorts for the top half, you can’t wear both at the same time. 4. Guys who wear those large silver bike lock style chains around your neck. Dear DJ’s, no one is going to steal your head. You can relax. 5. Guys who wear uniquely designed masks. This isn’t another way to express yourself. So many people have died. 6. Guys who wear glasses with circular rims. John Lennon died a while ago, and you, man wearing dungarees and smoking a rollie outside the arts block at 8:45am, are not him. 7. Guys wearing their dad’s old golf cap. Really? Does the first floor of the Berkeley look particularly sunny to you? 8. Guys in those intentionally massive jackets that are too big for them. Why do you need this much protection? You’re literally 7ft tall and haven’t missed a gym day since the age of eleven.
“I don’t speak Irish” : Gabi Fullam’s most accessible way of reaching students Accessibility being a core tenet of her campaign, Fullam is communicating with voters through the first language of many Trinity students, cigarettes and sex poetry: “I am aingry… Nice to meet you, Angry. I’m tragic…. We all have been \\Inthehalflightofabandonmentdryheavingoveracigarette// Damaged by [name redacted] [society redacted] CTYIn need of … less v**l***e …andanSUcafe… PICK ME…. choose me. VOTE me For Change. “ We’ll forgive her the lack of Gaeilge on account of her remarkable ability to vocalise an ellipsis, forward slash, and asterisk.
Pickup Artistry, by UT Candidates On Their Knees The Piranha Ahead of a fraught week of campaigning, supporters of both candidates in the UT race have turned to religion in the absence of any other hope. Below are the prayers we’ve heard whispered (no bugging involved) in the corridors of House 6. From the dry, cracked lips of weary hacks: God help Mairead, steeped in disgrace, karma is with thee. Distrusted art thou amongst victims And useless is your promise of loyalty, jesus couldn’t you just keep your mouth shut Now and at least until RON wins the election. Amen. And from the rebels: Our RON who art in the favourite position Unknown be thy name Election day come, Mairead gets done And integrity restored to UT Give us that day our protest vote And forgive us our shite journalism As we originally forgave those who leaked sources And lead us not back to the Irish Times printers But deliver us from bigotry.
We know how it is. It has been a few years since you graced the sticky floors of Harcourt Street. You’ve got on your cleanest T-shirt, your Grafton Barber skinfade and your most flammable Lynx but you’re feeling a little rusty. Here are some pickup lines for finally getting your hole and proving to your roommates that this dry spell was just because of the pandemic: 1. “My star sign is Leo-nely” For the kooky girl in your sociology tutorial 2. “Why don’t we split a Hollows and paint the town puce?” For the FashionSoc member 3. “I’ll put you first choice if you’ll be my first kiss” For the SU candidate sliding into your DMs 4. “CAW-CAW-CAW-CAW” For the seagulls who joining you for a lunch date 5. “Are you J Robert Oppenheimer? Because you have destroyed my world” For your ex
Does the Welfare race actually have two candidates? The similarities are uncanny. The two candidates are oh so nice, representing disability and gaeilge interest respectively, they present campaigns that seem to say “go on, slag us, we dare you”. We won’t come for their interests, but we have been alerted to serious concerns over whether the two candidates are even separate people. Concerns emerged when it was established that the only people who have seen them together in the same room are SU and journalist hacks. We at the Piranha decided to conduct our own investigation. The forcefield of gaelgeoirí surrounding Chlúnla hampered our efforts somewhat. A break in the investigation came at dusk when a moment of weakness for the security detail allowed us to witness the changeover as Chúloe prepared for an evening out. We have a Hannah Montana situation on our hands, fellow students. They are not Cloúnle, Cúnla is simply Ms. Staunton’s Workman’s alter ego.
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Down 1. Linda Doyle’s domestic servants (10) 2. Greg Arrowsmith’s favourite food (6) 4. Trinity’s portal to the underworld (5-8) 5. Journalist known for indiscretion and girlbossing (7) 8. Traditional gift from thesis supervisor (7) 9. First name and student society known for bullying and harassment (4) 10. Favourite candidate for UT editor race (3)
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CROSSWORD ANSWERS Across: 3. Berkeley 6. Two Lines 7. Gabrielle Fullam 10. Ross Donnelly 11.Orgy Down: 1. Trinitones 2. Butter 4. Lecky Entrance 5. Mairead 8. Handbag 9. Phil 10. Ron
Across 3. Library, slave owner, balcony crash (8) 6. Made at the Perch and with a bank card on a flat surface (3-5) 7. Anagram: Allegra Film Lube (Presidential Candidate) (9-6) 10. Anagram: Nosy Roll Ends (Ents Candidate) (48) 11. Hist member’s favourite pastime (4)