Freshers Edition September 2022 001 INSIGHT Doyle doubles down on Pride flag ban and bans Arts Block students and Doc Martens from Campus TCDSU TCDSU to pursue radical action by double texting the provost pg. Desperate DUBES DUBES shocked as another AGM competed without passing the Bechdel test pg.:69 Piranha POV: NIGHTMARE BLUNT ROTATION ANKLE-BITING SATIRE FROM THE MURKY DEPTHS OF TRINITY COLLEGE DUBLIN The Societies ‘Well-bred’ to be removed from list of requirement committeeappointmentfortoPhil pg. 666
So you're sitting outside of the arts block talking to some fellow art students when a group of south Dublin, probable business students walk by, a fellow arts student says “hah Bess students with their Daddy’s money”. You're confused though because the person who said this has the newest MacBook Pro, always has a fresh bag on them, and lives in a 1,500 € a month Ranelagh house with 2 other mates. They clearly have money but are still intent on making fun of these fellow south dubs. Why? It’s the classic tale of the artsy vs the yuppy, a fight between one's version of individuality vs the other. You're torn between making fun of your old rugby teammates,
14.Hot English boy in your tutorial: Okay, yes he went to Eton and yes he’s renting in Capitol Dock, but like he actually has a lot to say on Marxist theory in your introduction to political science class? He’s so much more than a bleached buzzcut and cargo pants 15.GSU President: You will never need to know who this person is, simply be aware that at various points over the next eight months they will repeatedly flout their constitutional obligations. Sleep tight in the knowledge that no matter what you do someone is being chastised by the UT more heavily than thee.
4.The guy the person in charge of deciding the trinity twenty is riding: What do you mean you haven’t heard of him? He gives really really good head, and takes like social commentary film on his Fuji Pro 400 5.Random white cis maleTrinity Sports Captain: Is a trinity twenty but you might not know him because he can’t be within 100m of a school.
Bestcasescenario: you get a fat Worstpayout.casescenario: you die (dead people don’t need housing).
The whole reason the trinity twenty is even a thing is so the UT editor can write their own blurb.
19.Stephen Donnelly:
Brides Glen is easily accessible on the Luas with lots of new build apartments ready for you to make memories to last a lifetime in. Wicklow has a great selection of caves Carlow is filled with lovely cafes, stunning scenery and was the capital of Ireland from 1361 to 1374
Tip 2— your network is your net worth (get rich friends): If your target is Team GB you’re going to have to learn to fit in: Invent a traumatic boarding school experience with stories of fascism, eating disorders, occultist rituals to deities whose names you won’t dare to utter, and situational homosexuality. Only wear clothes bought in capel street charity shops, unwashed (roll around in the dirt for a more authentic look). Develop a debilitating ket habit. Start smoking; in bed, in the bath, in lectures, in other people’s faces.
16.UT editor:
Shouts about irish language rights on campus (but you’ve only ever heard her speak the killiney dialect of english )
disco acquaintances, or neighbours and fitting in with your new doc wearing,Rollie smoking,bag sharing mates. Well the reality is that they are not too different. They probably both pay for the luas, have one parent or grandparent who’s a solicitor, and do a rent's worth of bag each month. The only discernible difference is where they go out and how they dress. Let’s be honest, if they were forced onto the same tiktok algorithm through the pandemic, they would be identical twins. Make fun of the others and shag shag your own, live, laugh, love.
17.Up and Coming Trinity Artist: When they make it you’ll grossly exaggerate your friendship to your children. Them asking you for a lighter once and then calling you a loser because you only vape will be retold as “We used to smoke all the time together”
Tip 5 — try get run over by the Luas:
20.Us:
2.Gormfhlaith Nic Flathartha- De Bhroin:
Trade your shitty semi-basement flat in Tallaght for a penthouse apartment on Grafton high enough that you don’t have to see, hear, or smell any of the locals before you jet off to New York. Also on the table: Daily brunches, weekend getaways to Yerp and a 2 year Get Out of Dublin Free card.
11.SS choice trinity twenty: The best J-1 ride in the great state of California. Thank you for your services to the people of South Dublin 12.Poet: Writes pitifully bad poems. They are in a bad place mentally, so the good people of Trinity Collehe, ever altruistic, have told them they definitely like should submit their poems about having sex in Tesco’s pesto aisle to every literary journal in the British Isles.
The only media on campus you can trust not to take blowjob bribes to include random hot people on the list (for the most part).
1. Linda Doyle’s vibrator: Credited as the reason for the 2022/23 fee freeze. Exclusive 10% off at Love Honey with the codecode TORIS10'THERESAPIRANHASNAPPINGATMYCLI'ITFEELSLIKE
10.Baldy Pav Man: Who is he? What is he? Haven’t a clue to be honest with ya, all we know is that we’re contractually obliged to mention him in every single issue or we lose our publishing licence.
8.The Covid-19 Vaccine: Thanks to the brains behind MRNA vaccination technology, this will be the “normalest” of years most undergraduate students will experience. We at The Piranha are especially excited to announce under the new relaxation of covid guidelines, perch workers may resume spitting in flat whites.
18.George Berkeley (stylised George X):
13.The Fox fucking that other fox: Slags
6.JF choice trinity twenty: You rode in the first week of halls. They will drop out two weeks later and you will forever wonder if you were the reason why (you weren’t get over yourself)
If you’ve already convinced every member of your extended family to sign up for Revolut through your link (including your baby cousin Caoimhe) why not move on to other pyramid schemes? If Andrew Tate can do it, so can you. Or — if that sounds like too much effort — sell your T-Ball ticket for 10 times the price.
Top Tips for surviving the housing crisis
Because actually, when you consider it, not declaring yourself an unregistered landlord when voting on tax breaks for people in your position, like benefits students?
7.Heads of the Phil/Hist: Frankly, you’re a normal functioning member of society and accordingly have no idea what either of these societies actually like do (?) however you had were privy to ancient legend about the questionable eh consensual sexual history of both societies.. and are somewhat disappointed to see them both being lead by intersectional feminists.
TRINITY TWENTY(‘s best shags):Here at The Piranha we feel some kinda way about the Trinty20. In anticipation of the list we came up with our own (superior) version:
South Dublin Yuppies VS. Artsys: Which ones to hit on and which ones to rip on
On this list because it a sizeable proportion of the college feel slavery wasn’t all bad.
Tip 1 — consider moving further out:
Tip 4— become a dual ba student:
Tip 3— get a hustle:
9.South Dublin Activist: This kleptomaniac from Rathmines sells the products of her shoplifting at a 350% markup on depop and offsets 2% of all profits to help Russians feeling guilty about the war in Ukraine
3.The table of weird girls in school who drew anime erotic fanfic in the margins of their books: Victory for the people! This is now the SU!
When you ask a student nurse if the seat beside her in the library is free2040
“And I didn’t really agree with the font that the articles were written in, and the cover art was just so unflattering” “I'll tell you what, this electric is no picnic”
The ownership of the piranha has been thrown from phil hack to law hack to VDP rejects over the years and has now fallen into the narcissistic and entirely incompetent and shakey hands (yup poppers) of two Players victims.
Notes From The Throne The Piranha
Under our joint rulership, we shall preach a simple message: 'Pay thy tithes and obey thy rulers and thou shall receive eternal life…and a few loose pieces of paper with some questionable comedy written on it' You’re welcome We hear see you, we hear you, we think we're funnier than you, Claire and Matthew xx
Dear GOD, please stop naming your kids Jack and Laura.
Editors: Claire MatthewBrennanKeeley
This Day in History
1465
”
Max Lynch finally makes it as a DJ in Cavan
2343
The one lad in the group with a bird promising to hook up all his mates
3202
Sorcha from Glenageary takes up her spot in New Square
“What are you talking about? Public transport is amazing in Ireland”
international student who has just learned that waterford is a place, not just a type of crystal.
Leah Keoghs body begins to rot on the steps of house 6
“
The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that jokes aren’t necessarily things people believe but are instead, jokes. Serious com-plaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous fresh-water fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and sup-ports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
''I just wanted some independence and my parents wanted me out of their hair haha”
Faith Jones smokes her first joint and has been stoned ever since
Bugged meeting between 'some guy' and the Junior Dean about this issue because we didn’t name drop him
Linda Doyle on students living in tents
DixeuntDixeuntQuod
Trinity launchbox has it's first succesful buissness
“Im so exctied to start in thsi new poisitin, I cnt wait two bring my atenten to detil to the roll” “No sorry I can’t, I’m on placement” “I’ll be like the Ghislaine Maxwell of Freshers Week''
Someone's Da
But fear not, you weak and docile creatures, for though we are unquestionably out of our depth and utterly unqualified to hold these esteemed positions, one thing we can promise under our glorious reign is first rate satire, hilarity and general narcissism. I mean, Matthew hasn’t even written for The Piranha before, and Claire had to apply for Garda Vetting to hang out with him (est. 2003), and now he’s the co-editor. That’s the funniest thing The Piranha has done in years!
-District Magazine’s new Editor
''It'll be like EP never ended''
Linda Doyle's tyrannous reign ends.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the rise to power of yours truly, the honourable and revered co-editors! Much like the Roman Republic, the Japanese shogunate or the presidency of George W. Bush, we shall rule our kingdom as a diarchy, dual thrones presiding over the lands of the camp and the Campanile.
Contributers: Jenny Maguire Theo Lynch Tom LouMatthewWillMarkJackUainínCaoimheAustinEliseOscarLauraCormacJackMollyRoisinLauraConalEmmaJackKatiePeterComerO’BrienFitzgeraldHorganLuedersScullionBradyDalyLongstaffMitchellSinottShannonVogelZacherlYoungrenMolloyLindseyO’GradyMcGraneBrowneReganLouMacHale
George Salmon coins the phrase: Slay Momma purr boots 1999 2031
Get ready to SERVE the students! The most important part of this costume is to chase down every person you come across and tell them to vote for you, even if they are crying and afraid of you. This costume is perfect for all occasions, like attending SU protests of just 7 people, planning your Seanad run or stealing every free condom from house 6
#smellykelly’‘Lot
[Editor’s Note: This paragraph has been removed by Trinity Publications. The Catholic author has had their legal voting rights removed, starved in a famine and sent back to where they came from, thanks be to god (who’s mother was not a virgin)]
‘A law student in a pink coat? Please I could’ve taken her in my sleep
‘Can’t believe only 12 people showed up to Burritos and Shake tonight #improvshenope #FuriousFullam’‘Iwannabe
Top 5 Trinity-themed Halloween costumes
I arrived at Electric Picnic with only one thing in my mind - the undeniable, enigmatic sexiness of a man from county Wexford wearing a pair of wellies and a bucket hat. Trudging through the mud, covered head to toe in shit, sweat and sprinkles of mandy I found my way the one act I have waited to see since February 2019: The Two Johnnies. An absolutely perfect spot to lock eyes with a man who looks like he hasn’t felt a woman’s breasts since being breast fed by his milfy mother. (These are the kind of men I like. Men written by Freud.) Not having a single fucking clue who The Two Johnnies are or what they’re about, I inserted myself deep among the crowd into the comfortable aroma of male armpit and ball sweat. Half way through the crowd I found the best place to rest my legs; on the shoulders of a six foot rugby player from blackrock, sucking from a vape like it was asking for head - these kind of men give the best view of the overall crowd. Any man far, far away from them is surely more interesting. Just as The Two Johnnies started singing??? And dancing?? (I dont know what they do?) the moment happened.
5.A Protestant:
of hatred in the piranha, time to nationalise? #showerthoughts’
1.George Salmon: Wow! Who’s this handsome fellow? Oh! It’s you showing up to the hottest halloween party dressed as none other than infamous misogynist and former provost, George Salmon! This costume is for the guy that wants law students to think “wow, I want to take a totally girlboss photo in front of him for the gram”. Take this costume to the next level by spritizing on a few dozen sprays of Lynx Africa, just to really get the vibe across.
I could have spontaneously combusted with excitement. Of course this could only lead to one thing.. A quick unashamed pic of my nipple (one of the johnnies eyeballing me), airdropped back to Padraig’s iPhone and we were suddenly airdrop-sexting. An electric dick pic for an electric nip slip and we were back at the pad - a humble maroon and yellow tesco own brand tent. Not a tarp, blow up matress, or single piece of waterproof equipment in sight and I knew he was the man for me. The shallow pool of muddy tent water acted as a lubricant for what was the best night of my life. An awakening kiss in the dirt, an intimate moment with the mud and a shag to change all shags. Thank you Electric Picnic. Thank you.
‘You know sometimes you can do everything right, you can come to his DJ set, you can support his ents campaign, you can laugh at his jokes, you can run your hands through his curly brown bob and he STILL charges you full whack for bag’
ELECTRIC DICK-PIC: MY FIRST MUD SHAG
2.The DU Players Theatre:
Nothing will get the ladies and gays swooning quite like student theatre. Throw on your black clothes, sexual frustration and finest empty cardboard box and be your own walking blackbox theatre! If the people you meet are moved enough to provide a polite sympathy clap before rushing away from you, you know you’ve got the job done!
3.A Banned Pride Flag:
AN ELECTRIC DICK PIC:
to the SU what Margret Thatcher was to the Tories #Gaslightgatekeepgirlboss’
A vibration from my phone - which was resting against my left tit - ‘Padraig’s iPhone would like to share a photo.’ An airdrop. Accept, duh.
Psst…over here! Get ready to disturb the historical significance of the precious Trinity buildings, because here comes your banned pride flag costume! Throw on your rainbow outfit and a pair of handcuffs, and don’t get caught by security guards! Bonus points if you can vanish just as fast as Trinity’s pride flag did on July 1st!
GABI FULLAM'SPRIVATE TWITTERUNCOVERED
Autumn is now fully upon us! Leaves are crunching, you’re pulling out your favourite scarf to wear, and the imminent threat of national blackouts is all around us.Halloween is only around the corner! Here are five ideas for some Trinity College themed costumes, because you are a pretentious prick with absolutely no other ideas or interests other than being an insufferable college society hack, yay!
4.TCDSU:
In Fingering (and also Imposterout?)
IN///OUT
Historical trends have shown us that following periods of great suffering and stunted growth, humanity proceeds to flourish with newfound innovation and creativity. The Renaissance sprang forth after the Dark Ages, Young Sheldon emerged from the ashes of the Big Bang Theory, and an unsustainable housing market but good GDP in Ireland following mass unemployment and austerity (which was caused by an unsustainable housing market but good GDP).
Syndrome
Dublin creatives 'Shocked' that poor people actually exist
Of course, when the Dublin Creative discovers that the country is becoming increasingly unsustainable for young people, his momentary superficial anger will inevitably wither away. He will stub out his joint, hop on the Dort back home to Dun Laoghaire and retire to his home studio.
So you're new to college,you don't know what's considered 'normal' outside of the cosmopolitan buzz of Ballyhaunis. Well we're here to help! Pay attention to the following concepts that will determine how many people will show up to your 21st:
After spending their summers wanking around the North Side, taking retro photos of dilapidated red brick buildings to serve as cover photos for their Neo Celtic Pirate Drum & Bass sensory extravaganza and getting stoned, they were horrified when it dawned on them that people actually live there. Speaking to Hugo Dermot Cox-Goodbody (Gonzaga alum), he was perplexed by the pesky cost of living crisis. “I didn’t realise Ireland actually had homeless people, I thought those were crisis actors hired by Sinn Fein to drag down the ratings of my dad’s Airbnb properties”, he regaled whilst puffing on his terribly rolled rollie, “Surely if they can’t find somewhere to live in Dublin they should just move temporarily to their holiday homes in West Cork”.
Out The PrideQueenFlags (and gay JackDisposableWideFuckingTrinityNotes‘bestie’Calling(cricketRunningnamesobjectsGivingbabyKeelinpeople)Moncreiff’sinanimatefemalelapsofthepitchtoplessIthastostopnow)peopleapppoetryCounsellingEngineersangleselfiesVapesHarlow/MaxLynch
Now that the coronavirus pandemic has subsided the Land of Saints and Scholars has flexed its muscles once more, shitting out the measly pathetic runty baby that is the “Dublin Creative”. You may not recognise these foul folk straight away but they do have some common identifying markers. Invariably male donning Carhartt clothing, ratty mullet/other manky haircut, stealth mode misogynists and of affluent origin, the Dublin Creative has infected Trinity and wider Irish society in the past year. Their private school ring and diplomat parents are seemingly cancelled out by their esoteric music taste and posturing in their sociology tutorials, thus rendering them woke and in touch with the struggles of Ireland.
T posing (it’s retro ThatEvictionsRepeatsnow)English place with the pretentious French insteadHavingfashionbackTextingSelf-undiagnosingDaddy’sTravellingInflationnameonmoneyyourmaminatimelyaniPadofalaptop
BASED: I mansplained this to a girl in Workman’s once and I’ve never felt more alive
BNOC: Big names on campus (virgins with a reputation)
NPC:KEY:Non Playable characters (...virgins)
DUDJ – Are you white but have dreads? Do you enjoy pointlessly standing on a deck? Do you smoke the green stuff? Wait this isn’t surf-soc… ah fuck it, doesn’t matter, same thing. Do you love male dominated societies? Would you like to learn how to wear your headphones around your neck? Want to know how to bounce around on a stage like a fool? Well surf’s up! Bodyboard your way over here, where we can teach you how to play Spotify, from a phone!
What SoCieTy r u?: Welcome to the annual generic round up of Campus's biggest virgins!
A Visual aid, if you will:
Dublin University Boat Club Do you like butter? Will you get down on your knees for anyone? Is getting up at the crack of dawn all the craic you need? Love having your balls squeezed? Well clench those cheeks, lose those inhibitions and get that shrivelled cock downstream.
Law Soc – Are you stuck up your own hole? Do you enjoy drinking excessive amounts of Butlers coffee?Do you like gentrification and the eradication of the middle class? Pfffttt, who doesn’t. Do you enjoy promoting inaccessibility to college and creating unreachable standards that working class people could never reach? Fuck it, run for auditor.
Knights of the Campanile A safe space for men. Just friends. We’re not gay like. Mediaeval cosplay, no horses, no riding. Just a few men getting together in secret on a regular basis. Not gay.
VDP Are you from South Dublin? Do you enjoy telling people that you volunteer? Do your parents earn in the top tax bracket? Then VDP is the society for you. Fancy being in a pantomime with children aged 6 to 12? Ever foamed at the mouth at the idea of going to the pub after handing out soggy egg sandwiches to the homeless? Learn how to commit tax fraud by writing everything off as a charitable expense!
The Phist (Phil + Hist) – Do you play the triangle? Are you a cleopatra stan? If yes to both, then you’re sure to love the Phist, Trinity’s very own pyramid scheme. Give us this once off payment which gives you access to fuck all. For how long? Fuck knows? Who cares? The Piranha don’t. Here fuck off into the GMB there and get a bag (no not that type) with a babybel and a stick of lube in it and debate whether to shove it up your arse or down your throat.
IN MEMORIUM:
The Piranha’s ambitious and, some would say audacious, first foray into the fashion world sees the satirical paper turned fashion house pulling from a broad spectrum of influences in their first release ‘The Tate Bag’. This item is modelled on the already fashionable tote bag which is worn primarily by Trinity arts students who use them to carry their headphones and pouches of maple leaf, the only two things they bring to lectures.
Our younger readers might want to look away for this one, for you are pure and did not suffer through the graspy Hand campaign of 2019. So, dear reader, allow me to take your HAND and take a trip down memory lane. Mr. Eoin Hand is still a very prominent member of the hit all male acapella group at Trinity, the Trinitones, or as they are colloquially known ‘really? These fuckers Itagain?’.caught my attention that former TCDSU President Mr. Hand was on a Trinitone eat-pray-love trip to Australia, where I can only imagine they were recording new cover of ancient show tunes for their own personal wank banks. That's when I began to question exactly how long Eoin ‘the tiny hand’ Hand has been skulking about. This is a non-exhaustive list of things that have happened since Eoin Hand graduated, to really drive home how bizarre it is that he is currently interrailing with a bunch of singing 19 year olds:
One significant distinction is that The Piranha’s take on this particular style features the branded faced of a one Emory Andrew Tate III. Mr Tate is a highly controversial internet personality and former professional kickboxer who has received significant backlash regarding his views on women’s rights, mental illness and pineapple on pizza.
In an exclusive interview, this reporter asked the designer of the bag Jonathan Moriarty, a 3rd year Global Business student here at Trinity College Dublin, what inspired his creative process. ‘Well I was getting kind of bored of lugging around my Trinity rugby gearbag everywhere and I just wanted to have a nice handy place to keep my protein bars and coke pouches’ recalled Jonathan, who has been called ‘The Blackrock Virgil Abloh’ by people he went to secondary school with.
Regardless of critical reception, The Tate Bag is now on sale for the modest price of a quarter of your parents’ inheritance*.
Worlds Collide as The Piranha launches 'TheTate Bag':
‘So I sent a few initial designs on to daddy, who was in one of the company’s factories in Taiwan or somewhere, and said, ‘Make it happen!’. In completely unrelated news, Jonathan’s father has recently become the primary patron of this paper and might we just add that he is such a great and honest guy and not in any way fraudulent or corrupt by any measure. Some critics have commented that The Piranha should stay clear of any future fashion-related endeavours and stick to off-beat and irrelevant satire. Others have noted that they’re not even good at that and should just give up entirely.
AN ODE TO EOIN HAND:
*Note: Sale of The Tate Bag to individuals who didn’t attend private school is strictly prohibited and will result in legal action
-Parasite won best oscar An entire pandemic to endemic trend -Kobe -LeahTrumpdiedlostKeogh turned 45 -A Players show got awful reviews -Paddy P abdicated the throne (we miss you Daddy x) Greg happened Greg was short Greg gave us all endless amounts of content ABBA got back together Trinity students canceled people -Trinity students went to pointless protests -We met baldy pav man<3
6. So you’ve got a hot lecturer...: No no. No girlie. He has a wife. And two small children. Don’t do it.Don’t be a homewrecker, that stopped being sexy like 6 months ago
7. Please, for the love of God, don’t date someone in your course!: Fuck it I should call her.
1. Never date someone in your course: Sure, it seems like a great idea now. You sit together in all your lectures, laughing and giggling away at the lecturer who can’t get their slideshow to work, helping each other out with assignments. You’ve even got a whole lot of stuff in common, sure you’re doing the same course for Christ's sake. But then you break up, amicable enough, no hard feelings. But then the tutorial leader, in all their infinite wisdom, pairs the two of you fuckers in a group project worth 40% of your grade. The two of you sit silently in Lecky scouring through Wikipedia articles, occasionally attempting small talk to break the deafening silence. Trust me on this one, not a fun time.
TCD has assured students that the scheme will be underway by the year 2050.
The Piranha has sunk to new embarrassing and unfathomably low depths in reducing itself to handing out cheap dating advice to teenagers in a desperate and humiliating attempt to boost already tragically low readership numbers, proving yet again what a wet rag of a publication it really is. Here is some relationship advice from a group of sweaty writers who’ve never made it to second base:
4. The World Cup rule: The World Cup, for all you arts students out there, is a football/rugby/ artistic gymnastics tournament that takes place every four years. As per the ‘World Cup rule’, it is deemed socially and morally acceptable to date someone either four years older or younger than you, in that you are ‘one World Cup apart’ so to speak. The one caveat of this rule being that the ‘four years younger’ aspect only applies once you reach the age of 22, The Piranha strongly strongly condones any romantic relationships between 18 and 14 year olds. But hey, if he’s 22 and he’s got a car, full steam ahead little fresher #fuckafresher!
Architects have indicated that it will not be feasible to include toilets and hygiene facilities within the accommodation, which will instead be situated a 120 minute walk away from the unit. However, for the price of €999.99 a month (utility costs excluded), the new scheme will be the cheapest out of all the Colleges’ affiliated accommodations. “We hope that the scheme will make accommodation accessible to all.”
3. I repeat, never date someone in your course!: Just don’t do it ok, I still see them in all my lectures and every time I do I cringe so hard I feel like I’m going to shit myself
Whilst the accommodation office professed the “unconventional” nature of the design, they assured students that the ropes will be constructed to provide the utmost comfort.
TCD Launches ambitious new accommodation scheme:
In a statement issued yesterday, the Trinity College accommodation office described the current accommodation crisis as “uncontrollable. Regardless of what we do, they just keep coming.” Taking inspiration from the early Victorian period, a new accommodation scheme promises to house thousands by providing students with state of the art ropes to lean on. Each student will be offered a short segment as living space for the academic year. “We are aiming to fit at least ten students per rope.The ropes are made of specialist fibres to support everyone, regardless of their weight.”
“We want students to feel comfortable in their own space, thus we will see no issue with rope enhancement. Any alterations will simply be added to the students’ contribution fee at the end of the year.”
5. Seriously, DON’T DATE SOMEONE IN YOUR COURSE!: They’re everywhere! Every time I’m in the library, every time I go to the gym, every single fucking lecture I go to. Everytime I’m having a wank, all I see is them.
✨CupidsCorner✨
2. He doesn’t ‘get’ you, he just listens to Phoebe Bridgers: You got a 94% match on your Spotify blend? That’s adorable!And he went to the Lucy Dacus concert back in April too?Wow, he must really understand you, there’s no way he could turn out to be a male-manipulator misogynist who only wants to sleep with you because he has a weird fetishised and romanticized view of an alternative/ manic pixie dream girl that he developed when he first watched Scott Pilgrim when he was 14.
