Oh My Good Gawld 2

Oh My Good Gawld 2 The second compilation of Jokes

WARNING! Content may offend

A collection of Funnies by The Knightrider

WELCOME TO THE SECOND BOOK OF FUNNIES I would like to thank all of the contributors, who over the years have sent me the most wittiest, often crude, rude and very naughty jokes and funny stories!

Special mentions to; Terry, Paul, Bob, Samantha, Tom, Linda, Ken, Mark and Baz who between them have supplied the majority of the contained jokes!!

Sit back and enjoy the ride!!!

Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?

A: They both capture the moment.

Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat?

A: Bingo Q: What's 100 yards long and smells of piss?

A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings Q: Why don't blind people skydive?

A: It scares the **** out of the dog --------------------------------------------------------I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

--------------------------------------------------------An Indian man has been arrested for punching his wife in the face. Chinda Goodunproppa has denied all charges --------------------------------------------------------Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

--------------------------------------------------------I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show.

Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt.

--------------------------------------------------------The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

--------------------------------------------------------What’s the difference between a refugee and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own bike and wanted to go home!

--------------------------------------------------------A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room in Attercliffe, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby - a poor skinny little thing, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast-fed,” she replied..

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor

ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Lots of hums and hahs ...

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight.

You don't have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came”.

--------------------------------------------------------An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies --------------------------------------------------------Little Johnny rushes into the living room of a tenth-floor apartment.

"Mummy, mummy, you told me a lie!"

"Why do you say that Johnny?"

"Because you told me that my baby brother was a little angel!"

"But that's true; he is" "So why didn't he fly when I threw him out of the window?"

--------------------------------------------------------It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.

As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a quid coin in the saucer.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.

He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a quid.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

---------------------------------------------------------The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

---------------------------------------------------------Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

Or in other words............. B.I.G.T.I.T.S! --------------------------------------------------------Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it and he was immediately fired. Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired too."

--------------------------------------------------------An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches which she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke......and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a large can of peas."

--------------------------------------------------------Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.

The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And THAT, me son, is how ya waves a fookin' towel!'...

--------------------------------------------------------A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

--------------------------------------------------------The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder

rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

--------------------------------------------------------Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him, “Did you find the shampoo?”

Paddy says, “Yes but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

--------------------------------------------------------On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

--------------------------------------------------------A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the door bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the

government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bulls*******. He's never been out of the back garden' --------------------------------------------------------Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

--------------------------------------------------------A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

--------------------------------------------------------'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself.'

--------------------------------------------------------A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the look of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

--------------------------------------------------------Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

------------------------------------------------------------------

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, ‘Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked and says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing.. You must be a lucky frog, eh?’

The frog replies, 'Ribbit lucky frog.'

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

'What do you think frog?' The man asks.

'Ribbit 3 wood.'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom!

Hole in one... The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man carded the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, 'OK where to next?'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit Las Vegas.’

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now what?'

The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'

Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, 'What do you think I should bet?'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3,000, Black 6.'

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel. He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.

You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit kiss me.'

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

'And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'

--------------------------------------------------------After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take

the plunge and buy some of this Veet stuff as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on “Her indoors” birthday as a bit of a treat. I ordered it well in advance and I consider myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...

Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong was I!!!!

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning and what seemed like the destruction of my meat and two veg.

Stuggling to not bite through my bottom lip, I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a pile of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

This was not doing the trick as some of the

gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, backside in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my genitals pushing a sprout up my behind while muttering...

"Ooooh that feels good" Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11pm at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...

--------------------------------------------------------A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own boxers, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

--------------------------------------------------------A bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy, "Do you want the winner of the next race?"

Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden."

--------------------------------------------------------Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.

Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

--------------------------------------------------------A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going... The driver won ÂŁ52!

--------------------------------------------------------Paddy's racing snail was not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

---------------------------------------------------------Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejaysus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "Is it tickin?� Paddy says "No, I tink it's beef" --------------------------------------------------------Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.

The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid, because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

--------------------------------------------------------Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Bejaysus, Paddy, what ya doing?"

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

Paddy says to Mick “I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.

3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."

Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?"

Paddy replies, “I'll take her with me!"

--------------------------------------------------------A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

--------------------------------------------------------The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

“Good morning, Madam,” he said, “I’ve come to...”

“Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.”

“Have you really?” said the photographer.

“Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my speciality?”

“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat..”

After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!”

“Well, Madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“My, that’s a lot!”, gasped Mrs Smith..

“Madam, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in

five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”

“Don’t I know it,” said Mrs Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said.

“Oh, my God!” Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”

“She was difficult?” asked Mrs Smith.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look” “Four and five deep?” said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

“Yes,” the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”

Mrs Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?”

“It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”

“Tripod?”

“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.”

Mrs Smith fainted.

--------------------------------------------------------A son asked his mother the following question: 'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?’

The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure. ' The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

--------------------------------------------------------Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your plane!"

--------------------------------------------------------Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".

--------------------------------------------------------A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped.

Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, 'I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son.'

He answered, 'That's okay.'

'I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.'

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, 'Goodbye, Mum.' The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

'That comes to â‚Ź121.85,' said the checkout.

'How come so much ... I only bought 5 items..'

The clerk replied, 'Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too.'

---------------------------------------------------------A 737 jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta Airport.

The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent... I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast.'

He forgets to switch off the intercom.

Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Gold Coast?'

'Well,' says the skipper, 'First I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge t!ts out for dinner....I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begin looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking

about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.............He's gotta land the plane and have a shit first.'

---------------------------------------------------------This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts..

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bathroom.

About 20 minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, 'Honey you were right. All these years you have warned me and i didn't listen to you. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of god, with some vaseline and two fingers.

I think I got most of them back in.

--------------------------------------------------------A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the

examination room, she burst out screaming and she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

--------------------------------------------------------Two older women were having lunch together while discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you. I'm getting a boob-job."

The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arse hole bleached!"

"Oh Dear!" replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

--------------------------------------------------------Teacher: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..

Did you copy his?

Clyde: No, sir. It's the same dog.

--------------------------------------------------------Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

Maria: Here it is.

Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

Class: Maria.

--------------------------------------------------------Teacher: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?

John: You told me to do it without using tables.

--------------------------------------------------------Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' Teacher: No, that's wrong Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

--------------------------------------------------------Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

Donald: H I J K L M N O. Teacher: What are you talking about?

Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O. --------------------------------------------------------Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

--------------------------------------------------------Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.' Millie: I is..

Teacher: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

Millie: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

--------------------------------------------------------Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.

--------------------------------------------------------Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

Harold: A teacher --------------------------------------------------------He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards... Forwards then backwards...

Back and forth... Back and forth... In and out, in and out.... Her heart was now pounding faster, her face was flushed and she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder and louder. Finally, exhausted, she let out one almighty scream!

"OK! ... OK!" ... She cried at last ...

"I CAN'T park the friggin’ car! You do it you SMUG GIT!" ---------------------------------------------------------Four old friends were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his pals and play a round.

His friends all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first player says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in

brochures."

The third man says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last one of the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf,”and all she said was,“You'll need a sweater.”

---------------------------------------------------------A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor ---------------------------------------------------------I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

---------------------------------------------------------Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

--------------------------------------------------------Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?’

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: 'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother' The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent such a fundamental change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... 'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'.

---------------------------------------------------------A young Irish lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Cork.'

The manager liked the Paddy so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked-up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Paddy said 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the

coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4’.

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no.. he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

--------------------------------------------------------South African Dutchman Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa. While on holiday in Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.

As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

"Fucking great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed, "We'd never get away with that at home!

---------------------------------------------------------The guys were on a golf tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?

He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn.

In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?

You look awful!

He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Gerry's turn. He was a tanned, older golfer, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man,

what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips.

Mick sat up and watched me all night."

---------------------------------------------------------My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked.

"Incredible!"

Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!" So we walked past it again.

---------------------------------------------------------An elderly couple, Lucy & John, were recently attending church services at The Villages. About halfway through the service, Lucy took a pen and paper out of her purse, wrote a note and handed it to John.

The note said: "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

John scribbled back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

---------------------------------------------------------An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather who was working in the yard and asked him "Grampa, what is couple sex?

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

---------------------------------------------------------I’ve just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.

It’s bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

---------------------------------------------------------If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

--------------------------------------------------------I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour I work at great depths I plunge head first into everything I do I do not get weekends or public holidays off I work in a damp environment I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation I work in high temperatures My work exposes me to contagious diseases Sincerely, P. Niss The Response Dear Penis After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight You fall asleep after brief work periods You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing You will retire well before you are 65 You are unable to work double shifts You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, V. Gina --------------------------------------------------------After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told

him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Hull , parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales --------------------------------------------------------19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"

Mick replies, "The film says 18 or over."

--------------------------------------------------------Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

--------------------------------------------------------My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

--------------------------------------------------------Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy --------------------------------------------------------My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window and take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewellery to the charity shop.

Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house".

Well, she didn't exactly put it like that.

Actually she said, "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

--------------------------------------------------------Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's

bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More heavy breathing and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until....

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat.... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.'

--------------------------------------------------------My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

--------------------------------------------------------The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out.

They said they were delicious!

--------------------------------------------------------A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says" I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"

The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"

"Not a clue" he says" But whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!"

--------------------------------------------------------Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on a long relationship...

She replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"

--------------------------------------------------------My son asked me today ‘What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird’.

I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails. A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.

--------------------------------------------------------Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when You're drunk" Husband says "That’s not true, sometimes I want a kebab" ---------------------------------------------------------

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said: 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world. It's called turpentine.'

The Priest said: 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied: 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!'

--------------------------------------------------------With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked 'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?' 'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

--------------------------------------------------------How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?

You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

--------------------------------------------------------This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, franticallycalls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father. .Who art in Heaven."

--------------------------------------------------------An 80-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.....'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

--------------------------------------------------------An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of

amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

--------------------------------------------------------Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spread eagled and says "You know what I want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole fucking bed by the looks of it!"

--------------------------------------------------------Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

--------------------------------------------------------Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

--------------------------------------------------------2 men are chatting in a bar.....

“So how’s your week been?”

“Fantastic!! I was walking the dog down by the canal and found this woman tied up to the railings. So being the good samaritan that I am, untied her and took her back to mine.”

“Then what happened?”

“Well I’ve been having the most wonderful sex all week!”

“Wow!! Is she beautiful?”

“I don’t know, I never found the head!!!”

--------------------------------------------------------Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”

Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

--------------------------------------------------------A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy.

Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

--------------------------------------------------------Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

--------------------------------------------------------Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

His Dad replies "Never mind son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

--------------------------------------------------------Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.

Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."

Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now" 3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"

"No" said Mick "But it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!

--------------------------------------------------------Man walks into WH Smiths and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"

Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet" He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!"

--------------------------------------------------------I went to the doctor's office the other day at my wife’s request and found that our new family doctor is a young female & drop-dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before.

Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out?"

I said, "My wife thinks my cock tastes like strawberries."

--------------------------------------------------------I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a

Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

--------------------------------------------------------New from the ‘Dearborn’ talking doll collection from America is the Muslim talking doll.

Nobody has a clue what it says as they are all afraid to pull the cord!!

--------------------------------------------------------It has been determined that the most used sexual position for old married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

--------------------------------------------------------A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her twenties, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "cocks" are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."

--------------------------------------------------------A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am.

But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

--------------------------------------------------------A Woman goes to the local newspaper office to place the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.

The obituary editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died.... GOLF CLUBS FOR SALE." --------------------------------------------------------An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some orange and grapefruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

--------------------------------------------------------A Jewish daughter says to her mother "I'm

divorcing Irv. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 pence piece when it used to be the size of a twenty".

Her mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman...You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion...You drive a £50,000 Ferrari...You get £2,000 a week allowance...You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 30 pence!!”

--------------------------------------------------------Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because she and her fellow residents are all one sandwich short of a picnic, they tolerate each other.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Mad Mike stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a licence for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. William nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable (for his age) erection in his hand.

"Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

--------------------------------------------------------A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy. He was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice:

“FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S FAR TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”

--------------------------------------------------------Four men have been going on an annual fishing trip for many years.

This year, Ron's wife put her foot down and told him he wasn't going. Bitterly disappointed, he phoned and told the others that he couldn't go.

Two days later, the others arrived at the camping site, only to find Ron sitting there with a tent already set up. "Ron, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty Shades Of Grey," she dragged me into the bedroom. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

Then she said, "Do whatever you want...So here I am!”

--------------------------------------------------------A squaddie (Army type) narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he attempted horseback riding with no prior experience.

After mounting his horse unassisted, the horse immediately began moving.

As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the squaddie, who has not been named, began to slip sideways from the saddle.

Although attempting to grab for the horse's mane the Squaddie could not get a firm grip.

He then threw his arms around the horse's neck but continued to slide down the side of the horse.

The horse galloped along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, losing his grip, the rider attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety.

However, his foot became entangled in the stirrup, leaving him at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head and upper body repeatedly struck the ground.

Moments away from unconsciousness and possible death, to his great fortune a retired Royal Air Force supplier, shopping at ALDI saw him and quickly unplugged the horse.

---------------------------------------------------------

What's the most confusing day in Liverpool? - Father's Day. --------------------------------------------------------There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving? The policeman.

--------------------------------------------------------Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault “Clio” and the Ford “Taurus” they have designed the “Clitaurus.”

It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it – let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it, though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real nightmare to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one and replace it each year --------------------------------------------------------A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only €5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you €500," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches

into his pocket, pulls out a five euro note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the internet. He sends emails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him €500.

The senior pockets the €500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer €5, and goes back to sleep.

--------------------------------------------------------Stu died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy. The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Stu.' The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.

Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Stu.' The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Paddy said, 'Well, Stu had two arseholes.'

'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: There's Stu with them two arseholes.'

--------------------------------------------------------Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old grandpa walked by.

One of the old grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old grandmas said, "Sure we

can! Just drop your trousers and pants and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison..."We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

--------------------------------------------------------I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.”

I told him “I wish I had your will power.”

--------------------------------------------------------A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

--------------------------------------------------------An elderly couple was watching a

Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had dicks 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."

--------------------------------------------------------These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

--------------------------------------------------------After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, Mr Patel said to the cashier, "Can you do this any cheaper?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "If we did it for you then we'd have to do it for everybody."

Mr Patel said, "Yeah, but it's got today's date on it. If nobody buys it then it's just going to get thrown away."

"Look sir, you're holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?!"

--------------------------------------------------------A Primary School Teacher in Liverpool explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one boy called Callum.

The teacher looks at the boy with surprise and says, 'Callum, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' he replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Callum replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears.

'Callum, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'

'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'That is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Callum smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

--------------------------------------------------------A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mummy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mummy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”

The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.”

--------------------------------------------------------I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."

--------------------------------------------------------A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Johnny says, "None."

The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared

them all off."

The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlour, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"

The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."

Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

--------------------------------------------------------Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

Reporter: "Holy cow!"

Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."

Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"

Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."

Reporter: "Oh dear!"

Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

--------------------------------------------------------A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”

The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.

A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mummy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

--------------------------------------------------------A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?"

"Yeah!" replies the girl "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we will be making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?"

Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese,

tomato tomato!"

The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"

--------------------------------------------------------After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school.

The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher."

She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room.

When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done.

As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher."

The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for.

On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home.

His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my arse still hurts."

--------------------------------------------------------A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue.

One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo.

She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!"

He said, "Explain the kids!"

--------------------------------------------------------Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned €20 by climbing a tree.

Her mum responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your knickers!"

Maria replied, "See Mum, I was smart, I took them off!"

--------------------------------------------------------Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"

Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful."

Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

--------------------------------------------------------A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mum's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

--------------------------------------------------------A Yorkshire couple just arrived on their holidays in Spain.

They unpacked and the wife said “Oh buggar, we forgot the Bisto!”

“Oh nor, av we?” he replied The wife said “I think that couple over t’road are English, go and ask them if they av some Bisto” So the man goes over and knocks on the door, a man answers.

“Asta any Bisto?” the man asks “Fuck off you Spanish twat!”

--------------------------------------------------------At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him £20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."

The father promptly hands him £40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the postman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The postman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

--------------------------------------------------------Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mum asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No, salty."

--------------------------------------------------------A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.

The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.

That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.

The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shat on my face, bit three inches off my knob, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

--------------------------------------------------------A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crutch.

A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady."

He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

--------------------------------------------------------Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favourite sex position.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girl down on all fours and you mount her from behind.

Then you reach around, cup her tits, and whisper in her ear, 'Boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

A little boy caught his mum and dad having sex.

After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?"

The mum said, "We were baking a cake."

A few days later, the little boy asked his mum, "Were you and daddy baking a cake?"

She said yes, and asked him how he knew.

He answered, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."

--------------------------------------------------------It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping.

Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked.

She said, "I visited the tattoo parlour today.

On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"

Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?"

"Well," she replied, "Now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Year!"

--------------------------------------------------------A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.”

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.”

“What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?” --------------------------------------------------------A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: £1.50; Chicken Sandwich: £2.50; Wank: £10.00."

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

--------------------------------------------------------A guy decides to do something nice for his girlfriend before they leave on holiday, so he gets her name tattooed on his penis.

He comes home and shows it to her.

She looks at it and says, "That's great, sweetie, but what is 'Wy'?"

He tells her to rub it and as she does and it gets bigger, she sees it actually reads "Wendy."

When they arrive at Montego Bay, the couple are walking along a nude beach and the boyfriend notices a black guy with "Wy" on his penis.

He asks the man if he also has a girlfriend named Wendy.

The black guy laughs and says, "Nah, mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day.'"

--------------------------------------------------------Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there’s only a kingsize bed, so they have to share.

In the morning, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

--------------------------------------------------------There was an old couple laying in bed.

The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."

--------------------------------------------------------I accidentally drank Tippex last night instead of liquid Viagra. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

--------------------------------------------------------A little lad goes bounding into the living room, jumping up on to his granddad's knee, shouting, "Granddad, Granddad, Granddad! Can you make a noise like a frog?"

Granddad looked a little bemused, but said, "I think so, yes. Why do you want me to make a noise like a frog?"

The lad gleefully proclaims, "Because Daddy says, 'When the old man croaks, we can all go to Disneyland.'

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought, “I think I’ll soldier on!”

--------------------------------------------------------I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I went downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

--------------------------------------------------------Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

--------------------------------------------------------I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or ‘foreplay’ as she likes to call it.

--------------------------------------------------------An Asian woman goes in to her local ANZ Bank Branch in Melbourne, and begins exchanging her money.

After the transaction is complete she asks the teller: - 'Why it change?

'Yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get one hunat eighty?'

The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly... 'Fluctuations'.

The woman starts to walk out, then over her shoulder says... 'Fluc you Aussies too!'

--------------------------------------------------------A man walks into a Hamburger Restaurant and orders a regular meal. After a while, the waitress brings the meal to him. He takes a bite out of the burger and notices a hair in it. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress and demands to see the kitchen.

So, the waitress takes him back to where the burgers are prepared and to his shock, he finds the chef taking a meat patty and flatten it under his armpit!

“That’s absolutely disgusting!” the man comments.

The waitress replies, “That’s nothing, you should see him making doughnuts!”

--------------------------------------------------------A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 110 mph, sir.'

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 70, perhaps your radar

gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Dammit woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.

That's an automatic £40 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket' The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.

You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'Why don’t you keep your chuffin mouth shut!!?’

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?’

'Only when he's had a few drinks.'

--------------------------------------------------------A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then

shuddered violently. Are you OK?" “I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Snuff."

--------------------------------------------------------A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'

The woman did as she was told.

'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see.

Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse.'

--------------------------------------------------------The Greek Lover, a virile middle aged Greek gentlemen named Steve was relaxing at his favourite bar in Athens when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No." Surprised, Steve reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of

passion. The sex finally ended and, again, he smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Steve reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Steve fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear... "No, I’m Norwegian."

--------------------------------------------------------My wife was watching a cooking show the other day.

I said, "What are you watching that for?

You can't cook."

She replied, "Well, you watch porn."

--------------------------------------------------------A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old dog.“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks....

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the dog is trained to grab his private parts and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.

--------------------------------------------------------In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old Escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her mum's.

---------------------------------------------------------

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband!

--------------------------------------------------------Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of Humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.

--------------------------------------------------------A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

--------------------------------------------------------Wong Chow calls into work and says, “I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great... I be at work soon..... You got nice house.”

--------------------------------------------------------A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programmes make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh... ‘I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the

picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister from the local church.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

--------------------------------------------------------An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon......

'Bugger off’ she said, 'They're for the funeral.'

--------------------------------------------------------A young Chinese couple get married she's a virgin & they are both waiters. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he

hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

"You want ... Garlic chicken with corrifrowa?"

--------------------------------------------------------Tom was working in the garden this weekend and his wife was upstairs, about to take a shower. Tom realised that he couldn't find the rake and yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't really hear him and shouted back, "What?"

He pointed to his eye, and then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.

His wife was a bit puzzled and again said "What?"

He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed The Rake" His wife indicated that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left tit, then she pointed to her backside and finally to her crotch.

Well, there was no way in hell Tom could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replied, "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" --------------------------------------------------------Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,

'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, 'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'

--------------------------------------------------------A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops' WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Coco Pops’ --------------------------------------------------------One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was

the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat bloody truck!"

--------------------------------------------------------My wife hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well. All during dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response. My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

--------------------------------------------------------During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

---------------------------------------------------------

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.

The first is that I iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Maria: “Jor hozban did.”

Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”

--------------------------------------------------------An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With pain in his voice Fred replied; "The balcony."

--------------------------------------------------------Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be

a tax disc.

--------------------------------------------------------Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty scousers showed up. Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group.

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone."

"What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God. "No" replied Saint Peter "The Pearly Gates!"

--------------------------------------------------------Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?

Because if it walked it would be mugged.

--------------------------------------------------------After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

--------------------------------------------------------Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

--------------------------------------------------------I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

--------------------------------------------------------After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.

--------------------------------------------------------Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

--------------------------------------------------------Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

--------------------------------------------------------A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.

--------------------------------------------------------Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now

photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

--------------------------------------------------------A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

--------------------------------------------------------There is a new study about women and how they feel about their bums. The results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their bum is too fat...

10% of women think their bum is too skinny...

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world!

--------------------------------------------------------A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, "I wish I had bigger boobies".

The boyfriend says "Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between them for 2 months".

"How will that help to make them bigger?" asks the girlfriend.

"Well it worked for your bum" says the boyfriend.

--------------------------------------------------------What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windscreen? His bum --------------------------------------------------------Yo momma is so fat, the shadow of her bum weighs 50 pounds.

--------------------------------------------------------A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.

Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog.

She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.

She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit."

The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

--------------------------------------------------------Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22mph.

He says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ...the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.

We just got off Highway 199."

--------------------------------------------------------After a visit to a house of prostitution, a man notices green lumps on his willy. So he goes to the doctors.

“That’s serious”, says the doctor.

“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”

“Yes”, says the man seriously.

“Well”, says the doctor, “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

--------------------------------------------------------Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist, "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?”

--------------------------------------------------------An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to approach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?”

--------------------------------------------------------Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and Scott engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

"Hello" "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes." "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000, is it OK if I buy it?"

"Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

"I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

"How much?" "£90,000."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the extras."

"Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £980,000 for it."

"Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we

can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

"OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

"Bye! I love you, too."

Scott hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

--------------------------------------------------------Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me’, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied; ‘It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!’ --------------------------------------------------------Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.

Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum."

--------------------------------------------------------A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."

--------------------------------------------------------Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth.

The midwife comes out and congratulates them, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc.

The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby.

The Rasta looks a bit confused, "Excuse me man", he said, "But don't you think he's likely to be mine?"

"Probably", said the Manc, "But one of them in there's a scouser and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

--------------------------------------------------------Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool.

--------------------------------------------------------The new monk is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says: "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son" Then, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R!" "We missed the R!!"

"We missed the damn R!!!"

His forehead is all bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot: "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies: "The word was... CELEB R ATE"

At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled..."Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

--------------------------------------------------------Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

--------------------------------------------------------I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike!

--------------------------------------------------------A guy broke into my apartment last week.

He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick bastard!

--------------------------------------------------------Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?"

The prostitute said, "If you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

--------------------------------------------------------The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen...

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'It's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples re-join their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'But it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

--------------------------------------------------------I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over!

--------------------------------------------------------My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

--------------------------------------------------------I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified!

--------------------------------------------------------Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

--------------------------------------------------------Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

--------------------------------------------------------Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?"

"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick idiot!"

--------------------------------------------------------Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

--------------------------------------------------------Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Kevin said: 'Shingles.'

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.'

The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

-----------------------------------------------------------Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty... 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants.. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....'I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!’

--------------------------------------------------------A man brings his best friend back home for

dinner.

His wife screams at him, "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pjamas & I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Cause he's thinking of getting married."

--------------------------------------------------------A man walks into a crowded local bar in Yarraminga brandishing a revolver yelling, "Who's the bastard that's been screwing my wife? " A voice from the back of the bar shouts back. "You don't have enough ammo mate!!"

--------------------------------------------------------An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.

The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul. "But a man is sitting on the well!"

--------------------------------------------------------A couple were getting frisky in a field one glorious summer’s evening.

After giving her oral sex, the man said “Wow, I wish I had a torch.”

“So do I” the woman replied, “You’ve been eating grass for the past 10 minutes!”

--------------------------------------------------------Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?

A: It might be your bicycle --------------------------------------------------------Q: What do you call a Scouser in a threebed semi?

A: A burglar.

--------------------------------------------------------Q: What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?

A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.

--------------------------------------------------------Q: What do you say to a scouser in a

uniform?

A: Big Mac and fries please.

--------------------------------------------------------Q: What is the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night?

A: What are you looking at?

--------------------------------------------------------During my check-up I asked the Doctor, “Do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life then?”

He replied, “I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now.”

I said, “I don’t go in for any of that astrology nonsense.”

He replied, “Neither do I, but my thermometer just broke.”

--------------------------------------------------------Q: How does every Islamic joke start?

A: By looking over your shoulder.

--------------------------------------------------------Q: Did you hear about the Catholic Iraqi?

A: He was a Shite Muslim.

--------------------------------------------------------Q: What do you call a drunken Muslim?

A: Mohammered.

--------------------------------------------------------Q: What do Muslim men do during foreplay?

A: Tickle the goat under the chin --------------------------------------------------------What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do?

Wrong.

--------------------------------------------------------Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are gone. So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you stick it in a disabled one.

--------------------------------------------------------Why is there no black character in the game clue?

Because then the game would be called solved --------------------------------------------------------What do you call an Asian with only one leg?

Ty-won-shoo --------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a Mexican girlfriend and a Mexican wife?

About 50lbs --------------------------------------------------------What do you call a Muslim who owns a camel and a goat?

Bisexual ---------------------------------------------------------

A Mexican, Arab, and an Englishman walk into a bar. The Mexican orders a beer, drinks it, smashes it to the ground and says “Back in Mexico we have so many glasses we don't have to drink out of the same one twice” The Arab orders a beer, drinks it, smashes it to the ground and says, “Back in the Middle East we have so much sand to make glasses, we don't need to drink out the of same one twice” The Englishman orders a beer, necks it, smashes it to the ground, shoots the Mexican and the Arab and says, “Here in England we have so many illegal immigrants we don't have to talk to the same one twice” --------------------------------------------------------A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.

Come inside, the elevator is on the right.

Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ...”

"What ... You're coming empty handed?"

--------------------------------------------------------I was in a pub the other night and heard three girls with an over abundance of flesh, talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"

So I apologised and replied, "I am so sorry.

Are you three whales from Scotland?"

--------------------------------------------------------First day back at school in Birmingham, England.

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils : "Mustafa Al Eih Zeri ?" - "Here" "Achmed El Kabul ?" - "Here" "Fatima Al Hayek ? " - "Here" "Ali Abdul Olmi ?" - "Here" "Mohammed Bin Kadir ?" - "Here" "Ali Son al En" , silence in the classroom.

"Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room .

The teacher repeated the call .

A girl stood up and said , "Sorry, teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen."

--------------------------------------------------------"G'day mate, Foster's helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the privates by a wasp and now it has completely closed up."

"Bummer dude!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye." --------------------------------------------------------On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years?

Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to

support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone!!

--------------------------------------------------------'Viagra' is now available in tea bags.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuits going soft.

--------------------------------------------------------Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....

--------------------------------------------------------I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...

--------------------------------------------------------Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.

--------------------------------------------------------After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

--------------------------------------------------------The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "Bastards won't let me fart."

--------------------------------------------------------A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for

water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water.

Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!”

"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk and only $5."

"Pahh! I curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!”

--------------------------------------------------------Just minutes before the church services started the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?”

The man replied, "Yep, sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?" Satan asked "Nope, sure ain't" said the man.

"Don't you realise I can kill you with a

word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?"

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?", asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

--------------------------------------------------------Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy as he nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."

Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"

Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

--------------------------------------------------------A bloke visiting Liverpool docks who sees a docker writhing in pain on the floor. He asks what's wrong with him.

Another docker says "He wants to go the toilet".

"So why doesn't he go" asks the stranger.

"What? On his lunch break?" comes the reply --------------------------------------------------------A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video called "Liverpool - The Glory Years". He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper.

"That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear?"

"Well its a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax recorder!!”

--------------------------------------------------------Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

A: So they ain't mistaken for Liverpudlian women --------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a Scouser and a broken clock?

Even a clock is right twice a day!

--------------------------------------------------------I took my dad to the shopping centre the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager

sitting near to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid .... "Got stoned once and shagged a parrot. Was just wondering if you might be my daughter."

--------------------------------------------------------A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

--------------------------------------------------------A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

--------------------------------------------------------Man: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Man: "Naaah.... She ain't that ugly.."

--------------------------------------------------------A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"

"It's like talking to a fucking brick wall."

--------------------------------------------------------A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us" --------------------------------------------------------A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' a bone!"

--------------------------------------------------------The madam opened the brothel door in Aberdeen and saw a rather dignified,

well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5,000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Edinburgh."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer. She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

--------------------------------------------------------"Have you ever seen a 20€ note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled 20€ note.

"Have you ever seen a 50€ note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled 50€ note.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000€ all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging off a rope 100 stories high. They had decided that one of them had to get off.

They argued and argued and finally the brunette said ''I'll go.''

The brunette made a touching speech and all the blondes clapped.

--------------------------------------------------------Just bought a Liverpool FC advent calendar. Bloody typical, all the windows are boarded up and someone’s nicked all the fucking chocolate --------------------------------------------------------A young lad asks his mum where his new Liverpool top is.

"I washed it and it's drying on the line."

The young lad rushes to the window to see his beloved Liverpool top lying in the mud.

"Mum, why is my Liverpool top in the mud?"

His mum looks out of the window and shouts, "The thieving lads have nicked the pegs again!"

--------------------------------------------------------Can somebody please notify Liverpool that, along with their lack of imagination, the correct grammar is 'A field', not 'An field'.

Thanks --------------------------------------------------------I bumped into a man crying uncontrollably outside a department store in Liverpool yesterday and all he could go on about was how he hates this time of year, dressing up in a ridiculous red outfit and embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people.

I said, "Look, Mr. Henderson, you chose to play for Liverpool."

--------------------------------------------------------The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in

her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

--------------------------------------------------------An Irishmen who wanted to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".

"1st - Who was born in a stable?"

"Red Rum" he replied.

"2nd - What do you think of Damascus?"

"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.

"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"

"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the s*** out of them!!"

--------------------------------------------------------The Blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds 'It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'

--------------------------------------------------------A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin - in every way' The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She said, 'You're the first; noone has EVER touched these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, ......

'Look at this, ..........still in the CRATE!’

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really annoyed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

--------------------------------------------------------Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

--------------------------------------------------------Why do Northerners prefer mushy peas?

Because they can't keep the round ones on their knives.

--------------------------------------------------------Alice dies, aged 78, having attended church in Barnsley every Sunday of her life. Her husband, Joe, asks the stonemason for a headstone with the words: 'Lord, she was thine'.

The stonemason writes: 'Lord she was thin'.

Joe says: '"You've missed off the e, you'll have to do it again."

Weeks later Joe goes to see the stone on the grave, and it now reads: 'Ee Lord she was thin' --------------------------------------------------------A young pakistani female woke up to find herself inside a wheelie-bin on a local rubbish tip, she had been battered and bruised.

Police believe it was a family honour crime!

Father Chindha, Mother Bindha and Brother Dumpta --------------------------------------------------------Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your licence please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drink driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too!

--------------------------------------------------------Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”

Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight

him?”

--------------------------------------------------------"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool.

One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'

"The bar goes quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!' "The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.”

--------------------------------------------------------Two Scousers are fishing in South Africa taking it easy when a crocodile swims past with a bloke's head in its mouth.

The one Scouser says to the other, "Fookin'ell Gazza, look at that bloke!"

The other Scouser says, "I know Bazza, the flash bastard's got a Lacoste sleeping bag !! " --------------------------------------------------------What's long, scouse, and goes around corners?

The dole queue.

--------------------------------------------------------Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

A: So they ain't mistaken for a Liverpudlian woman --------------------------------------------------------What should you do if you see a scouse jogging?

Trip him up and give the lady's purse back to her.

--------------------------------------------------------The FBI were interviewing for an assasin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair..... Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks she said. 'I had to kill him with the chair!’ --------------------------------------------------------Two businessmen in Cardiff were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop.

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well...Only two left."

--------------------------------------------------------A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 yearold grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the grandad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his

groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman,"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "But I'm William....the little fuckers name is Kevin."

--------------------------------------------------------A boy comes home and has a school homework question to answer, so he asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-oh son, go and ask your Mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, Dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, Dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad.

Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof!!!"

--------------------------------------------------------A woman was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman.

"That's disgraceful! ...... Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh well... in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"

The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, but he's with BUPA." --------------------------------------------------------Experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So, every morning I shout, 'Two sugars, fat arse!'

--------------------------------------------------------A Mafia Boss finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His book keeper is deaf. (That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court).

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him where the money is."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK, ok!

You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

--------------------------------------------------------A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.

"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any, so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."

"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."

"Of course you can" the assistant replied, "Look at him.........he daren't cough now!!"

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

--------------------------------------------------------My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vestas. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

--------------------------------------------------------Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup, I was talking to the cat!'

--------------------------------------------------------Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your tee ready!

--------------------------------------------------------A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint (as they do!) when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.

Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey Koala!'

So the koala looked down at him and said 'Fuck me...How much water did you drink?’

--------------------------------------------------------“Doctor, do you think I will live for another 40 years?” the man asked.

“Do you smoke or drink?” asked the doctor.

“No” “Do you go to bars or discos and party with

friends?”

“No” “Do you go to Thailand or The Phillipines to have sex?”

“No!” “Do you go to Strip joints?”

“NO!!”

“Do you go to see hookers?”

“NOOOOO!!”

“So why do you want to live another 40 years and waste everybody’s time? Now Fuck off!!!”

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

--------------------------------------------------------What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.

--------------------------------------------------------Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

--------------------------------------------------------What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

--------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

20 kgs.

--------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

--------------------------------------------------------What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

--------------------------------------------------------Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

--------------------------------------------------------Ferrari's Formula 1 team manager decided to employ some Liverpudlian teenagers as their pit crew. This was because of their renowned skill at removing car wheels quickly.

At the first practice session, not only did they change all 4 wheels in 2 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged & sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed & some pictures of Lewis Hamilton's bird getting her kit off!!

--------------------------------------------------------Ah, Liverpool. The only city in the world where JD Sports has an evening-wear

department.

--------------------------------------------------------A report out today says 60% of girls under 16 in Liverpool are binge drinking on a regular basis.

I am shocked, who the fuck is looking after their kids?

--------------------------------------------------------A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

--------------------------------------------------------WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor?

That's ridiculous " WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool” --------------------------------------------------------This is a frightening statistic, probably one of the most worrysome facts in recent years is that 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

--------------------------------------------------------Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mum and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mum said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

--------------------------------------------------------Today's Short Reading from the Bible...

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round... and He laughed and laughed and laughed!...

--------------------------------------------------------Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over

it."

Wife texts back five minutes later: "Computer really buggered now."

--------------------------------------------------------“Why did the blonde cross the the road?”

“Who cares? What is she doing out of the bedroom?”

--------------------------------------------------------Two more have come forward to say they had fingers shoved up their backsides by dead BBC TV stars!

Sooty and Sweep say the abuse went on, with the full knowledge of BBC Management for years!

--------------------------------------------------------On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."

Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

--------------------------------------------------------Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the

bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End --------------------------------------------------------Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

--------------------------------------------------------After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy Nothing.

--------------------------------------------------------Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

--------------------------------------------------------A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, ‘Forget the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

--------------------------------------------------------Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?

Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!’

--------------------------------------------------------My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

--------------------------------------------------------Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

--------------------------------------------------------I was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, "It's my husband, quick, try the back door!"

Thinking back, I really should have legged it - but you don't get offers like that every day.

--------------------------------------------------------Sorry for not calling you on New Years Eve, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching this bloke at a party. In my defence, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in!

--------------------------------------------------------Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the chemist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to

call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the chemist and demanded an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife.

She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me sir, as God is my witness, all I did was to tell her how!"

--------------------------------------------------------Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "This is her husband!"

--------------------------------------------------------An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

--------------------------------------------------------An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall

backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

--------------------------------------------------------Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.

Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.

He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"

"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.

"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "Save 'em for the ceiling!!"

--------------------------------------------------------Two kids playing football in a park in Manchester, when one of the kids is suddenly attacked by a rottweiler, luckily the other kid finds a plank of wood and shoves it in the dogs mouth, twists and breaks the dogs neck!

A man also in the park witnesses this, he says to the kid i'm a journalist for the Manchester Evening news, I would like to write an article about what just happened.

He starts writing a headline "United fan saves friend from dog", The kid says "I'm not a United fan".

He starts again "City fan saves friend from dog".

Kid says "I'm not a City fan".

The journalist asks "Who do you support then", The kid answers "Liverpool".

The journalists starts again "Scouse bastard kills family pet!"

--------------------------------------------------------A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.

His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a Sentinella Magazine but about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says: "Billy, are you all right?

You've been in here for a while".

Billy says: "Im fine, Mummy... I just haven't done it yet."

Mother says: "Ok, you can stay here a few more minutes.

But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?" “Well it works on the Tomato Sauce bottle�

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs and asked a stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up....so she took them home and ate them and they were simply delicious.

--------------------------------------------------------One day a man decided to retire. He booked a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island, alone, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted intoductile iron I used to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short row, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowing boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.

Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs to the bathroom. In the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses.

"What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, moving closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes ...

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a golf course?"

--------------------------------------------------------A 72-year-old man goes for a physical.

All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great.

How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He

knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs White exclaims, "He's pissing in the fridge again!"

--------------------------------------------------------Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.? It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.

Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin?

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'

Customer says, 'Female.'

Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?

Customer says, 'White.'

Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

--------------------------------------------------------A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge ÂŁ20 an hour.'

'Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'

'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze....

Four-sprung Duck technique' --------------------------------------------------------First combined monkey and scouser flight to the moon.

The monkey enters the rocket and finds an envelope marked "Monkey". It opens it and reads the letter. It contained very precise and complicated instructions on how to fly the rocket.

The Scouser enters the rocket and finds an envelope marked "Scouser". He opens and reads the letter. It said "Feed the monkey" --------------------------------------------------------An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

--------------------------------------------------------A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...

The husband became 92 years old --------------------------------------------------------There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man

crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

--------------------------------------------------------Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from 499€ to 699€, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

--------------------------------------------------------A man received the following text from his neighbour: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife" --------------------------------------------------------A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

“Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to

avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!�

--------------------------------------------------------There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.

Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.

When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre.

When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.

When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, ''Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them.''

He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point.

They go in and sit down at the table.

Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a

tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hope that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers ''Duke!!'' and sits back down. ''Great!'' he thought. ''They really think it's the dog!'' So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers.

Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.

Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. ''Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!!''

--------------------------------------------------------Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

--------------------------------------------------------An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each

of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back.”

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.

When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

--------------------------------------------------------One day an old couple decided to go to Jerusalem for holiday. A few days after they arrived, the old wife died. The man who worked at the local funeral home told him that he could pay £150 to have her buried here or pay £4,000 to have her body shipped over and have her get buried there.

The old man thought about it for a while, and said that he would rather pay £4,000 to have her body shipped over than to pay £150 to get her buried here.

The man who worked at the funeral home asked him why he wanted to pay £4,000 instead of £150.

The old man replied "2,014 years ago a man died and was buried here. Three days later he resurrected. I cant take the chance."

--------------------------------------------------------I used to smoke pot before class. I walked in 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse, slunk down at my desk and hoped that nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher EVER. --------------------------------------------------------A little lady, well into her seventies, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos.

Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk... aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do.."

"Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?"

--------------------------------------------------------A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

--------------------------------------------------------A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."

The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."

He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open.

After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

The drunk down at the end of the bar says,

"Yeah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

--------------------------------------------------------An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze.

The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

--------------------------------------------------------Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.

The brunette checks her bank balance, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."

The telegraph operator shakes his head.

"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."

--------------------------------------------------------If I had one cricket ball in one hand and another cricket ball in the other hand, what would I have?

A bloody big cricket.

--------------------------------------------------------Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "If I guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog

back?"

--------------------------------------------------------A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

--------------------------------------------------------Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

--------------------------------------------------------An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter?

I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"

The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer.

I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

--------------------------------------------------------A Muslim, Hindu and a Scouser have been walking through the desert for 2 days with no food or shelter....

They come across a house and knock on the door and ask for a room for three.

The owner says ''We have a room for two and a barn at the back'' The three draw straws and the Muslim gets the short one and ends up in the barn....

The Hindu and Scouser go to the room, settle in bed and ten minutes later there is

a knock on the door...... the Scouser opens the door and it is the Muslim. He say's ''I know I drew the short straw but no one said there was a pig in the barn.... no way can I sleep in there with a pig in there.

The Scouser and the Hindu draw straws again and the Hindu loses and heads off for the barn.....

Ten minutes later there is a knock on the door.... the Scouser opens it and it is the Hindu.... ''Look, I know I lost the draw, but no one said there was a cow in the barn, no way can I stay in the barn with a cow in there.....

The scouser agrees to go in the barn.....

Ten minutes later there is a knock on the door.....

The Muslim opens the door..... it was the pig and the cow --------------------------------------------------------An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.'

He says.

'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

--------------------------------------------------------Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.'

She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, touch wood...'

She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

--------------------------------------------------------Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'It's

Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

--------------------------------------------------------Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.’ Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

--------------------------------------------------------A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly.

This piques the interest of the pharmacist.

What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laughter is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies "Your house."

--------------------------------------------------------A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know

what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting VD; which is why I came here in the first place."

--------------------------------------------------------A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."

He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

--------------------------------------------------------Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mum standing naked in front of

the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and groaning, "I want a man, I want a man."

Shaking his head in bewilderment, Gregory goes off to bed.

Next night the same thing happens. On the third night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mum's room but this time there is a man in bed with his mum.

Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest and groans "I want a bike, I want a bike."

----------------------------------------------------------------

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.

On the first night of their honeymoon the couple started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.

Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".

She slides her hands further down and gasps.

"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.

"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.

Finally, the couple begin to make love.

After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"

"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need more rope!"

--------------------------------------------------------I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear."

All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well, she forgot.

The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me."

There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into

the kitchen, yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus!"

Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.

When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss."

She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.

Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?"

Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea."

So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?"

So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of Martinis and a nice lunch.

We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't we go to my place, and I will fix you another Martini."

It sounded like a good idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her apartment and she fixed us some Martinis.

After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room.

In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.

--------------------------------------------------------A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh shit, not my brother! He's from Liverpool! What did he call the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor answers, "Denephew."

--------------------------------------------------------A woman is taking a bath (naked, of

course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door.

"Can I come in?" a male voice asks.

"Who is it?" the woman asks.

"It is the blind man" says the voice on the other side of the door.

The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, "Well, he's blind anyway".

The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, "Great tits! Now where would you like the blinds?"

--------------------------------------------------------On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby."

The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?"

She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.

"You're right sir I think I will report him."

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

--------------------------------------------------------A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boyfriend to her grandmother.

As they are chatting, her boyfriend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse.

After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts.

"Oh, your welcome young man," she says.

"I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."

--------------------------------------------------------A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck!

What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, he is

intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29.

When 36 came up she fainted!"

--------------------------------------------------------A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

--------------------------------------------------------A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!".

Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking.

Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!".

That did it. He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.

--------------------------------------------------------Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.

They both had the same qualifications.

In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but

we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'" --------------------------------------------------------An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former shipmate of his. They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew.

After some time, one said to the other, "If you don't mind my saying so, you don't look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck".

"Yes," the other one said, "I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become tangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee."

His friend agreed that was bad luck. The other one continued.

"You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off."

"My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?"

"Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over, unloaded and got me right in the eye."

"My, my, (not real sailor talk) did that take your eye out?� “No, that was the first day I had my hook."

--------------------------------------------------------Q: What do Liverpool fans and sperm have in common?

A: One in 2,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

--------------------------------------------------------Q: How can you tell a level headed

Liverpool supporter?

A: He dribbles from both sides of his mouth - at the same time.

--------------------------------------------------------Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

--------------------------------------------------------The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

--------------------------------------------------------An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"

"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

--------------------------------------------------------Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?

Answer - So the English can understand them.

--------------------------------------------------------Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

--------------------------------------------------------Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"

Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

--------------------------------------------------------The doctor said, "Carl, the good news is I can cure your headaches".

The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Carl was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the

salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."

Carl laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Carl tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Carl admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Carl thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Carl and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Carl was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" " Been in the business 60 years."

Carl tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Carl walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Carl thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see...size 36."

Carl laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - £400 New shirt - £36 New underwear - £6 Second opinion - PRICELESS!!

--------------------------------------------------------Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 60th birthday and she was a bit lonely.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.

No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

“Absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line." I am the motel receptionist --------------------------------------------------------Murphy, Mick and Paddy were in the pub, a week before Xmas, enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided to get in on the Xmas raffle. They bought five €1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Murphy won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Mick was the winner of the second prize, six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Paddy won the sixth prize a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Paddy asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Murphy. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Mick. "And how's the toilet brush, Paddy?"

"Not so good," Paddy said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

--------------------------------------------------------A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-mm-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy storms off in anger.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-ththink I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

--------------------------------------------------------When Beethoven passed away, he was

buried in a churchyard. A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognisable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realisation of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

--------------------------------------------------------A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The man places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks, "What if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

--------------------------------------------------------Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

--------------------------------------------------------Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

--------------------------------------------------------A gentleman walks into a bank in Mayfair and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to the USA on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need

some kind of security for such a loan. So the gentleman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the gentleman returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The gentleman replied, "Where else in Mayfair can I park my car for two weeks for £15?"

--------------------------------------------------------A man was traveling north to Scotland. He needed to use the toilet and so at the next stop he goes into a cubicle. He sits down and was surprised to hear someone in the next stall say, "So how you?"

The man gulps and thinks about what he should say and then decides to answer. So he clears his throat and says, "Uh....I'm fine."

Then the stranger in the next trap says, "So where are you heading?"

Again the man, a little nervous answers, "Uh...I'm heading north to Scotland."

Then the stranger asked, "So what have you been up to?"

Again the man answers, "Not much, I'm actually on a business trip."

The man sat there waiting for another question when finally he heard the stranger in the next stall impatiently say, "Look, I'm going to have to call you back, some idiot in the next cubicle thinks I'm talking to him."

--------------------------------------------------------Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the

reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out...heaven knows where to. More Stress!

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like me to put this tree fat man?"

And this my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

--------------------------------------------------------Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Liverpool supporter and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it?

A: The old drunk, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures.

--------------------------------------------------------What do Liverpool fans and mushrooms have in common?

They both have big heads and live in shit --------------------------------------------------------A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are supposed to be paved with gold. But the husband can find no work. His family are hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: “Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."

Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the black man coming over the top of the hill, who is struggling with a broken grocery sack and loses a wheel of his cheese.

When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of cheddar cheese from the black man's grocery bag rolls down the hill and lands at the Mexican's feet! "Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the

cheese, and runs straight home.

Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.

"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?"

She inquires.

"No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message...As I ran home, I kept hearing a voice from Him yelling, 'THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!�

--------------------------------------------------------Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

--------------------------------------------------------There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"

The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.

The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over a bucket and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting... "Don't flush, don't flush!"

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman.

"Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

--------------------------------------------------------Two Englismen and an Irishman were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one Englishman turned to the other and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The other Englishman pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could.

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The man pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The Irishman was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug?

What did you bring?"

The Irishman pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

--------------------------------------------------------Geppetto runs into his beloved Pinocchio at the Shopping Centre one day. He asks how things are going.

Pinocchio stammers "Uh... well I have problems... with my girlfriend. You know?

Splinters".

Geppetto chuckles fatherly, winks and says "Sandpaper, my boy. sandpaper".

A month later he runs into Pinocchio again and asks how's it going with his, er, problem.

Pinocchio asks "What problem?"

"You know, with the girlfriend (nudge nudge)" Geppetto says.

"Girlfriend?" Pinocchio says. "Who needs girls?"

--------------------------------------------------------A very unattractive, profoundly obese, smelly, mean acting, nasty in EVERY sense of the word, woman, walks into Asda with her two kids in tow. As she is offered a basket, the Asda Greeter, asks, "Are they twins"?

The woman snarls, "No, the oldest one, he's nine, and, the younger one, she's seven. Why, do you think they really look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!!"

--------------------------------------------------------Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist.

At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.''

His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

--------------------------------------------------------Q: What do you get if you cross a Liverpool fan with a pig?

A: Thick bacon...

--------------------------------------------------------Why is the Anfield grass so green?

Because every week they put millions of pounds of shit on it.

Man walks into a shop in Liverpool: Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?

Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?

--------------------------------------------------------Did you know that Liverpool won the Greenest City award this year.

They recycle more car stereos than anyone else in the world and the churches all have lead free roofs!

--------------------------------------------------------How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It! --------------------------------------------------------What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

--------------------------------------------------------What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman --------------------------------------------------------How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

--------------------------------------------------------What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.

--------------------------------------------------------Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

--------------------------------------------------------How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

--------------------------------------------------------Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

--------------------------------------------------------Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.

--------------------------------------------------------What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.

--------------------------------------------------------If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, it should be opened when she brings it.

--------------------------------------------------------I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

--------------------------------------------------------An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

--------------------------------------------------------The Queen is in Glasgow where she bumped into Nicola Sturgeon...

HM: “How nice to see you Mrs. Sturgeon”.

NS: “Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a Queen?”

HM: “No, we don’t like that idea Mrs. Sturgeon”.

NS: “Empire, and I'll be Empress?”

HM: “No. I don’t think so Mrs. Sturgeon”.

NS: “OK, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Princress?”

HM: “No, Mrs. Sturgeon. May I suggest that we call it a Country?”

--------------------------------------------------------I rear-ended a car a few days ago. I tell you, it was a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car and he was a friggin’ DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

--------------------------------------------------------A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge, dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"

The pigmy said, "Yes." The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

The pigmy said, "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied, "There are about two hundred of us."

A lady is throwing a party for her grand daughter, and had gone all out.....a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back.

Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time.

But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him â‚Ź50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'Hey willie! for â‚Ź50, would you chop off another toe?"

--------------------------------------------------------A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.

He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"

The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

--------------------------------------------------------A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.

The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

--------------------------------------------------------Q: What do you call 100 Liverpool supporters at the bottom of a cliff?

A: A good start!

--------------------------------------------------------Q: What do you call a dead Liverpool fan in a closet?

A: Last years winner of the hide and seek contest --------------------------------------------------------Q: What do you say to a Liverpool supporter with a good looking bird on his arm?

A: Nice tattoo --------------------------------------------------------Q: Why did God make Liverpool supporters smelly?

A: So blind people could laugh at them too!

--------------------------------------------------------Q: How do you stop a Liverpool supporter from beating his wife?

A: Dress her in an Arsenal top!

--------------------------------------------------------I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next poo could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

--------------------------------------------------------I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

--------------------------------------------------------Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

--------------------------------------------------------The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

--------------------------------------------------------My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "So now you want me to stay!"

--------------------------------------------------------A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."

"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "Especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

--------------------------------------------------------A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

--------------------------------------------------------I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

--------------------------------------------------------What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

--------------------------------------------------------What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television

2) Telephone 3) Telawoman --------------------------------------------------------How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

--------------------------------------------------------What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.

--------------------------------------------------------Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

--------------------------------------------------------Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.

Unfortunately, one was a salted.

--------------------------------------------------------A jump lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

--------------------------------------------------------A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

--------------------------------------------------------A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

--------------------------------------------------------A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

--------------------------------------------------------Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

--------------------------------------------------------Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

--------------------------------------------------------Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.

The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

--------------------------------------------------------My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

He was pulled in by a strong currant.

--------------------------------------------------------I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

--------------------------------------------------------I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the

meat off the top shelf.

"No, you're right" he said, "The steaks are too high."

--------------------------------------------------------A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms" --------------------------------------------------------Boris Johnson asked the Queen, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient organisation? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Boris then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea."Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch me and listen" The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"

Prince Charles walked into the room and said, "Yes, Mother?

The Queen smiled and said to Charles, "Answer me this please Charles. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered "That would be me."

"Yes, very good!" Said the Queen.

"Ah ha I get it" said Boris, "Thank you Ma'am" and in a great rush he left.

Johnson went back to Parliament and decided to ask Dominic Raab the same question. "Dom, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Raab and then in true Dominic Raab style he went on to say. "Let me get back to you on that one."

He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Frustrated, Dominic went to the men's lavatory, and found Nigel Farage in there.

"Nigel, see if you can answer this question."

"Yes Dom" replied Nigel.

"Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is

it?"

Farage immediately answered, "That's easy, it's me!"

Raab grinned, and said, "Good answer Nigel, I see it all now!" Raab then went back to find Johnson and said to him; "Boris, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or your sister, the child is Nigel Farage!"

Johnson went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Raab, and yelled into his face, "No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!

--------------------------------------------------------A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mummy ,' the little girl asks, 'How old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?’ 'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady!

Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'All you need to do is look at her driver's licence. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' 'Because you got an F in sex.'

--------------------------------------------------------He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

--------------------------------------------------------I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish."

"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die when England wins the World Cup." "You crafty devil!" said the fairy.

--------------------------------------------------------A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board so he runs to the captain “Captain Captain!

There’s no women on board, what will be do for pleasure?”

The Captain replied, “Ohh... dont worry me laddie just stick ur dick in that barrel and everything will be alright.”

So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his willy in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation. So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his willy in the barrel and nothing happens.

So he runs to the captain and says “Captain Captain! I stuck my willy in the barrel and nothing happed!”

The Captain says, “Oh I forgot to tell you laddie, its your turn in the barrel!”

--------------------------------------------------------What do you call a scouser in a university?

The caretaker --------------------------------------------------------There are so many boarded up houses in Liverpool that the window cleaner goes round with a sander.

Q: Whats the difference between a ginger and a brick?

A: At least a brick gets laid.

--------------------------------------------------------Q: Why are the Harry Potter films unrealisitc?

A: A ginger kid has 2 friends!

--------------------------------------------------------The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone pole!"

--------------------------------------------------------A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.

She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

--------------------------------------------------------A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

--------------------------------------------------------A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

--------------------------------------------------------Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well Mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements.

They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mum, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

--------------------------------------------------------During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified.

She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!"

--------------------------------------------------------Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do." his mother insisted.

"We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained.

"But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

--------------------------------------------------------A woman goes to the hospital.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said: "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas" --------------------------------------------------------A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.

He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.

The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

--------------------------------------------------------A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold. When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised.

Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered

them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said they were women"?

--------------------------------------------------------Businessman in 1st Class, to a sexy gorgeous air hostess Businessman: What is your name?

Hostess: Angela Benz, sir!

Businessman: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?

Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.

Business Man: How close?

Hostess: Same price!

--------------------------------------------------------A little girl was talking to her Mummy.

“Mummy, what’s a virgin?”

“When Mum and Dad love each other very much and they want to show how much” “And Dad gives a gift to Mum?” says the girl “Dad does a special thing with Mum” replied the Mum “He takes his special thing and puts it inside Mummy’s special place. This makes Mum very happy and then Dad gets very happy and then there’s an explosion! Dad has a lot of seeds and these race to see which one gets to Mummy’s egg first...This is called making love. And until you did that, you are called a virgin.”

“I see” says the little girl “So what’s Extra Virgin?”

--------------------------------------------------------The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.. .'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'Why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbour, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not

Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence...

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah...all frucking same!!'

--------------------------------------------------------I found myself in a pub in Cork.

A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think your great drinkers.

I bet €5,000 that no-one here can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "10 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of €5,000."

"Grand so" replied the Irishman, "Pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"Ok yank, pay up." said the Irishman.

"I'm happy to pay, here is your money" said the American.

"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?”

The Irishman replied, "Well sir, €5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

--------------------------------------------------------Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it..'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.

Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

--------------------------------------------------------An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

--------------------------------------------------------A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

--------------------------------------------------------Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.

When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary) --------------------------------------------------------Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

--------------------------------------------------------If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

--------------------------------------------------------They say that sex is the best form of

exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

--------------------------------------------------------When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

--------------------------------------------------------A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.

The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever i go, Chuck goes."

"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent "We can't allow animals in the theatre."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls, then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theatre.

He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge?

"He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge..

"At our age we've seen 'em all" "I thought so too", said Mildred, "But this one's eatin' my popcorn...!"

--------------------------------------------------------A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race start?"

The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, but Mum said they developed from monkeys?"

The father answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about

hers."

--------------------------------------------------------Since her new husband is so old, Jenny, 25 decides that after their wedding she and John should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is John, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, John takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door and it's John, again ready for more 'action'.

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, John kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - John is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as John gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, John..'

John, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been here already tonight?'

--------------------------------------------------------After a visit to the whore house, a man notices green lumps on his willy, so he goes to the doctors.

“That’s serious” says the doctor.

“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”

“Yes” says the man seriously.

“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

--------------------------------------------------------An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day.

The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put your hands

between your legs. The body heat will warm them up."

So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, "My nose is freezing cold."

The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up."

He did, and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"

The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out.

--------------------------------------------------------Two men fought their entire life about whether Jesus was Black or White. The two men died together in a car accident.

Finally when they reached the gates of heaven Jesus walked up to them and said "BUENOS DIAS!" --------------------------------------------------------A Rabbi and a Priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The Rabbi continues, "And look at this.

Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The

rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The Priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The Rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

--------------------------------------------------------An old priest who became sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll leave the priesthood!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realising that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell two times this week."

--------------------------------------------------------A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.

"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four.

What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

--------------------------------------------------------The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"

The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper.

"Let's go."

Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

--------------------------------------------------------Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas.

After last orders, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fell into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

--------------------------------------------------------An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.

"What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I

don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband.

"And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

--------------------------------------------------------Q: How many Ginger people does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. They prefer to sit in the dark --------------------------------------------------------Q: What do gingers look forward to later on in life?

A: Grey Hair --------------------------------------------------------Q: How do gingers reach orgasm?

A: All alone.

--------------------------------------------------------Q: What do you call a ginger prostitute?

A: Orange pay as you go --------------------------------------------------------Dave Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: "My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realise his extensive holdings, and as Dave slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property??!! The Bastard had a paper round" --------------------------------------------------------There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die.

Why? You can't kill two Birds with OneStone!!

--------------------------------------------------------Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a Clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?"

She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook, Instagram and Twitter mainly” --------------------------------------------------------An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing screams of passion.

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for five minutes."

The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes."

The Englishman said: “That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

I don't know why people keep getting worked up about immigration.

All my neighbours are English.

All the kids in the local school are English All the local shops are owned and run by English people I love it here in Spain!

--------------------------------------------------------A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and €24,548,750.45 in cash."

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

--------------------------------------------------------A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "But all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

--------------------------------------------------------Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they had sex. Pinocchio therefore went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

--------------------------------------------------------The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding through the prairie when all of a sudden Tonto stops and puts his ear to the ground.

The Lone Ranger says "What are you doing Tonto?" Tonto says "Kemosabbie, buffalo come" The Lone Ranger then says, "How can you tell?"

Tonto replies "Ear sticky" --------------------------------------------------------A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some smaller boots!"

--------------------------------------------------------A husband and wife were in bed watching TV. The husband had the remote in hand switching back and forth between the porn and fishing channels.

The wife got pissed off grabbed the remote and kept it on the porn channel and said to hubby. "Leave it on the porn channel you already know how to fish."

--------------------------------------------------------A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the barman asks why he orders a shot of whisky and afterwards look into his pocket.

The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."

--------------------------------------------------------My wife asked me to prepare our son for his first day of school. He's a ginger so I punched him in the face and stole his lunch money!

--------------------------------------------------------Two scousers are on holiday in Amsterdam and visit a brothel. "Have you got a fat, ginger bird with no teeth, a heroin addiction and a minge like a vandalised bus seat?" they ask.

"You boys are really kinky," says the madam.

"Are we hell!" they reply. "We're looking for

our mum!"

--------------------------------------------------------The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you’re getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Scarborough.”

--------------------------------------------------------A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh, "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

--------------------------------------------------------A priest decided to do something a little different. He said “Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever Hymn that comes to your mind.”

The pastor shouted out “Cross.”

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, ‘The old rugged cross..'

The pastor hollered out “Grace.”

The congregation began to sing ‘Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said “Power.”

The congregation sang 'There is power in the blood.'

The Pastor said “Sex” The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock.

They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing “Memories.”

--------------------------------------------------------A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 999 on his mobile phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "They found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband.

"Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

--------------------------------------------------------The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

--------------------------------------------------------A young man and a priest are playing together.

At a short par 3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8 iron, father.

How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

--------------------------------------------------------A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood,

he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Pretty good... got here in two."

--------------------------------------------------------A man had two of the best tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final.

As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No ...." he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible” said the man, " Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Rugby Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the Rugby World and not use it ?”

He says, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to, together, since we got married "Oh ! I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend, or relative, or even a neighbour, to take the seat ?"

The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."

--------------------------------------------------------The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.

He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing. The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.

"No,no," he said, somewhat flustered, "That's not what I meant. Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said. "Thats not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, now thoroughly embarrassed "Perhaps I should re-phrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?" All the choirboys stood up.

--------------------------------------------------------A man and his wife have gone to bed. After

laying there a few minutes the man farts and says, "1 - 0" His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "1 - 1" After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "I’m ahead 2 - 1" Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "2-2, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Not for long! 3 - 2" Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he shits the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The man replied, "Half-time, switch sides."

--------------------------------------------------------How do you kill a circus clown?

Go for the juggler!

--------------------------------------------------------A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."

The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut!

How many is a brazilian?"

--------------------------------------------------------Little Johnny is a gambler. One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you 10€ you've got a mole on your arse."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her knickers down and shows him her bum and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost 10€ to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your arse and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a 100€ this morning that he'd see your bare arse before the day was over."

--------------------------------------------------------Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MUMMY, MUMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mummy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mummy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

--------------------------------------------------------Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and

says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!"

--------------------------------------------------------Q. What do you call a ginger kid eating a carrot?

A: Cannibal --------------------------------------------------------Q: What do you call a Ginger in a Porn film?

A: Cameraman.

--------------------------------------------------------A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year old son comes up and says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and she has no clothes on" The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch!’ she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek with the fucking’ kids!!'

--------------------------------------------------------Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well Mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mum, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

--------------------------------------------------------A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build

things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realises that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

--------------------------------------------------------What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud --------------------------------------------------------What is invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts --------------------------------------------------------One night these two midget brothers walk into a bar and one says "Man I'm tired of screwing midget girls lets screw real women."

So the other guy agreed.

5 minutes later two blondes walk into the bar and sit by the two midgets.

So the four of them get talking and the midgets ask if they want to come to their hotel rooms and stay the night and have sex.

So the two blondes decide to go.

In the first room the blonde and the midget were getting it on when the midget says "Oh baby, I'm sorry this has never happened before, but I can't get hard" So they give up and lay down to go asleep.

But through the wall from the second room they hear "1, 2, 3 uh 1, 2, 3 uh", which keeps up all night long.

So the next day after the blondes leave, the brothers meet each other again and discuss how there night went.

The first midget says "Oh, my night was terrible. I just couldn't get hard."

The second midget replies "Mine was worse than that" "What do you mean" said the first guy. "I heard you going "1, 2, 3 uh all night long".

To which the second guy replies "Yeah! I couldn't get on the damn bed" --------------------------------------------------------A man was at a grave yard.

He began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?"

A passer by knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"

"No, actually I never met him!" replied the man "Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by coursously.

"He was my wife's first husband!"

--------------------------------------------------------Q. Why dont blind men skydive?

A. Because it scares the s*** out of the dog Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?

A. Where you left it.

Q. What's pink and fluffy A. Pink fluff Q. What's blue and fluffy A. Pink fluff holding it's breath Q: What book will never make a woman wet?

A: 50 Shades of Ginger.

Q: How do gingers reach orgasm?

A: All alone Q: What do you call a ginger at a party?

A: Unwelcome --------------------------------------------------------I failed my driver’s test.

The guy asked me, “What do you do at a red light?”

I said, “I usually respond to texts, check my emails and facebook.”

--------------------------------------------------------A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on

the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

--------------------------------------------------------A exitable reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.

What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

--------------------------------------------------------Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know - 6, 7, maybe 8 - oh, just put me down for five."

--------------------------------------------------------Q: How do Chinese people name their babies?

A: They throw them down the stairs to see what noise they make.

--------------------------------------------------------A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors.

Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks.

When asked he replied miserably, "My wife missed the bus."

--------------------------------------------------------A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?"

The man replied, "Yes, I do."

--------------------------------------------------------Q: Why are most hurricanes named after women?

A: Because when they come they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car --------------------------------------------------------While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.

After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-DU-N-D-ER-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?” ---------------------------------------------------------

“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin.

“Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in charity shops and wear thick glasses.”

“Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked.

--------------------------------------------------------A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. “Please, Señora,” the poor man pleads, “I haven’t eaten all day.”

“Good,” says the grandmother. “Now you won’t have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim.”

--------------------------------------------------------I watched a documentary last night about people walking on hot coal.

It was sole destroying.

--------------------------------------------------------My boss asked me why I spent 2 hours in the toilet yesterday.

“I said if you'd had what I had you'd be in there for hours as well.”

He said "What did you have then?"

I told him, "The Sun, Auto Trader, The Sentinella and Exchange and Mart!!

--------------------------------------------------------I was chatting up a Gypsy girl in the pub last night, when she asked if I'd like to go back to her place and have a good time.

She wasn't kidding. I went on the waltzers, the dodgems, the ghost train. I even came home with a goldfish!!!

--------------------------------------------------------I just had a threesome with Ben and Jerry, it required a lot of spooning!

--------------------------------------------------------Was offered a threesome last night with two sexy females. In return I had to advertise some cleaning product on my Facebook page.

Of course Im not stupid I declined, because my willpower is strong. very strong!!

Strong like "Ajax", the new super strength bathroom cleaner. Now available in new Vanilla and Lemon scent. Available in all leading stores!!

--------------------------------------------------------Yesterday I saw a car with a boot sticker saying, "I'm a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal."

It was at that moment that I suddenly realised just how many gynaecologists there are on the roads!!

---------------------------------------------------------

A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally the drunk replies, "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either".

--------------------------------------------------------A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mum. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

--------------------------------------------------------A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be alright, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MUM, MUM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MUM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" On the third day the son comes out and says "MUM, MUM!" She goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?"

He replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

--------------------------------------------------------Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?

A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

--------------------------------------------------------A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled

at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.

The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.

Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

--------------------------------------------------------A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan touring around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From the inside they heard a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners come in. Come in my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel" Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero that he was.

The husband, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, “Why don't you see for yourself?"

Well, the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye the husband rushed up to the Pakistani man, threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's

trousers.

All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!!"

--------------------------------------------------------A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out.

They were both very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before.

However, as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "Kick it up a notch."

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch!

--------------------------------------------------------A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle is gobbing off how lazy British truck drivers are. He's bragging that he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in just two days.

This old Geordie man mutters up, "Ah, way ay I used to pick up me load in Newcastle, drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle for a fish and chip supper the same day".

The gobby German trucker said, " Oh yah, vot rig were you driving then?"

After taking a long swig of his Pint of Newcastle Brown, the old fella replied, "A LANCASTER BOMBER!" --------------------------------------------------------Driving home today, my wife was boasting

about how good women are at multi-tasking, and how there's "No two things a man can do simultaneously that a woman can't".

I just sat there, scratching my balls as I reversed onto the driveway!!

--------------------------------------------------------I saw a dwarf today wearing a fez, saying, "Just like that," as he got into his car.

I think it was a Mini Cooper.

--------------------------------------------------------Every time I leave my house I'm followed by a bird with long legs.

I think I'm being storked.

--------------------------------------------------------My wife said to me, "Lets go out tonight, get really pissed then have a good shag" I replied, "Sounds like a great idea, if you're home before me leave the key under the wheelie bin!!

--------------------------------------------------------A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her arse.

The doctor said “I've got some cream for that.”

--------------------------------------------------------Why was the washing machine laughing?

Because it was taking the piss out the underpants --------------------------------------------------------Husband sent a text to wife at night, "Hi babe I will be late, please try and wash all my clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return."

He sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car" She text back, "OMG really?"

Husband replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message.

--------------------------------------------------------Told my Chinese neighbour that my wife was pecked to death by a bird.

He said, "Wren?!"

I said, "No, you tit, a vulture!

--------------------------------------------------------My girlfriend left me yesterday because of my obsession.

She said “I’m sick of it, you actually think your a Transformer, I’ve had enough".

I said “But I can change!”

“There you go again” she said" --------------------------------------------------------What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?

Melt them, turn them into tyre and call it a goodyear.

--------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?

Your wife will always blow your bonus!

--------------------------------------------------------A man and his wife moved back home to Cork, from London.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2,000 a year!

When they arrived in Cork, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2,000 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: " Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is '€39.00."

--------------------------------------------------------During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day.

He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar.

The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing!

I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it.

"Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,"

said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet."

So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender.

I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals.

After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar.

Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, let alone one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

--------------------------------------------------------Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering?

A: Shoot her again.

--------------------------------------------------------Two snowmen are standing in a field.

One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too."

--------------------------------------------------------A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the

Englishman's garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Nah, ye can keep the damn egg!!"

--------------------------------------------------------Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3" He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

--------------------------------------------------------Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something

to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

--------------------------------------------------------What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

El-if-i-no --------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the new French tank?

It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind!

--------------------------------------------------------One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.

She politely asks him to step out of his car.

He willingly does so.

She says, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."

He replies "TITS." --------------------------------------------------------I went to a Greek cashpoint earlier.

After I entered my PIN, a message came up saying COLLECT OR GAMBLE --------------------------------------------------------One Direction's Luis Tomlinson is said to be "Surprised" at news he has made a stylist pregnant.

"Gok Wan said he was on the pill!" added Luis --------------------------------------------------------The inventor of dog treats has died earlier today.

He was a good boy. Yes he was --------------------------------------------------------My mates been told by the Doctor he's got viagraphobia, he's scared stiff --------------------------------------------------------I went in the hair salon sat on the chair and the stylist said, "Your hair needs cutting

badly."

I said "I don't want it cut badly.", so I walked out.

--------------------------------------------------------"A top Mexican drug lord has tunnelled his way to freedom from prison," said a mole close to the source.

--------------------------------------------------------I must look really sexy driving around in my new Convertible.

Loads of other motorists have signalled that they plan on having a wank later!

--------------------------------------------------------Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life clearly has never had 2 chocolate bars fall down at once from a vending machine --------------------------------------------------------I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "ÂŁ100 and it's yours.".

--------------------------------------------------------I had a look at my horoscope this morning and it said an ex from my past would suddenly pop up.

So I've been waiting by the canal all day, you know, just in case she actually does...

--------------------------------------------------------I've never tried inhaling helium for amusement.

But people speak very highly of it --------------------------------------------------------Greece really must be struggling.

At a wedding there last night the guests were seen ripping paper plates --------------------------------------------------------It's a hot day and the wife said she was tired and went upstairs for a kip.

I spent my time looking out the window at the fit young girl sunbathing naked next door.

When the wife came down she said 'I enjoyed my forty winks.

I told her that I enjoyed something similar.

--------------------------------------------------------Apparently the UK is facing a major sperm shortage according to the British Fertility Society.

Come on lads, it's time we all PULL together to solve this!!

---------------------------------------------------------

Went to see 50 Shades of Grey last night with my wife and she asked me if I ever wanted to put a gag in her mouth.

I said, "Yeah, every day."

--------------------------------------------------------Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard replied:‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.

When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:‘You see that bridge over there?’

The Spaniard replied:‘No.’...............

--------------------------------------------------------Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

--------------------------------------------------------Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

--------------------------------------------------------Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes --------------------------------------------------------A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get a hard-on, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.

He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'You've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old, I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

--------------------------------------------------------I am entering "Rear of the year” soon, well I was chatting up two ladies about an hour ago and as I walked away I heard one say to the other "What an arse!!!”

--------------------------------------------------------I wonder if Chinese tourists get mad when they realise the souvenir they just bought was made back home?

--------------------------------------------------------My new telly is brilliant, it shows 50 frames per second.

I managed to watch the whole of the snooker world championships in less than a minute.

--------------------------------------------------------Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May have signed a deal with Amazon.

Packing parcels is better than no job I guess.

--------------------------------------------------------I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

--------------------------------------------------------What do you call a Genie's dog?

A Labracadabrador

THE END “I hope you have all enjoyed this collection of jokes.

If you found any jokes repeated, or indeed if you were offended - Tough shit!

I do apologise if it was not in everybody’s taste, but hey ho!

Can’t please them all”

Keep this mag by the loo!

Adios amigos!!

I laughed

my socks off!!