This article, the first Transformation ever published of Noelle’s, is dedicated to her beloved Tony P., who recently went on to another exciting journey. By Noelle Sterne, Ph.D.
“Though our feelings come and go, God’s love for us does not.” —C.S. Lewis On a sunny Sunday afternoon, my husband and I headed for the busy upscale mall outside town. I dressed up—trendy earrings, understated sexy blouse, tailored slacks, matching bag and shoes. We visited a few shops together, then agreed to browse separately and meet in two hours at the front entrance. I’d been to every shop but the European baby boutique and had spent a lot of money without guilt. In both hands, I gripped my prizes—entwined handles of shiny, smart-logoed, overflowing shopping bags. I should have felt wonderful. But my purchases barely veiled my heaviness. At the imported pen shop, my husband and I had had yet another fight. I didn’t want to admit it, but they were becoming too frequent.
Each time, the anger on both sides had been surprisingly intense and the vitriol unbridled. The cliché about marital arguments is true: I couldn’t even remember the subjects of the last few. Reliving my outbursts, I felt ashamed and helpless. Now, despite the new acquisitions and plush surroundings, I fell deeper into depression. As I walked to our meeting place, noticing each passing flawlessly coifed woman, I imagined she had the perfect life, even though rationally I knew better. I considered stopping one and asking her to sit down with me on an inviting hand-carved wooden bench in the mall center strip, surrounded by luxuriant greenery and overlooking the koi pond. Encouraged by my sympathetic smile, she would twist the Tiffany diamond and emerald rings on her left hand and pour out her saga of troubles. I also knew that whatever she might confess would not make me feel better. My mind kept returning to the furious shouting and endless litany in my head of my husband’s faults. As we had icily agreed before parting outside the pen shop, exactly on time I waited for him at the two stone lions at the mall entrance near the taxi stand so we could get a cab home. We’d supposedly “made up,”
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