‘Tom,…I…I don’t know what you want me to say.’
David D o ds on, Year 9
It Raine d and I felt So Guilt y It rained when I told him. Big, fat droplets fell from the sky, loudly pinging on the roof of the laneway cafe. It was clichéd, the sky reflecting my feelings, an obtuse visual metaphor. I didn’t want to ramble. I didn’t want to rush. I wanted him to understand. I had the puffer clutched in my hand, just in case. I didn’t want to use it though: I didn’t want to be that weak in front of him. His face still hadn’t reacted, shown any sign that he’d heard me. Maybe he still thought I was garbage, thought that I was a terrible person, weak and ignorant. Did he understand what he meant to me, understand that any kind of reaction was better than no reaction I mean please just say you understand what I’m going through say that you’ll forgive me for the awful thing I did to you say that– I need my puffer. I’m rambling, losing control of my thoughts. I’m not going to use it yet. I can’t appear to be dependent, to be that weak in front of him. I’ll just be that fragile, untrustworthy ex-friend who couldn’t even put up with the schoolyard bullies. Maybe he feels bad. Maybe he was planning to forgive me, to accept me back into his life. Maybe the stars have aligned in an aberration and the world is perfect and the future looks good and I’m happy and I’m popular and I don’t fear that I’ll be abandoned or tossed aside every second of my – Breathe. Just breathe. It’ll all be over soon, one way or the other. He’s doing that thing where he just stares slightly below your chin, rather than looking into your eyes. Shuffling his feet back and forth. I feel so sorry for him. It’s all my fault. How could I ever expect him to forgive me? I just need him, my one friend, my lifeline, my ‘I…’ I just wanted him to decide. Hate me or befriend me: forgive me or desert me. What I’d done was awful, but I just need him. I feel so empty and alone without him. ‘…’ Just a breath. Is that all? Goddamit, I need my puffer. I’m not an addict. I’m not dependent.
He sounded more confident than I thought he would, more annoyed than sad. Honestly, I just want him to say something, even if it destroys me. Obviously, I’d prefer him to forgive me, for us to be friends again, but perhaps that is asking too much. ‘I…I’m sorry. You know I’d never intentionally out you like that. I didn’t think it would – I just didn’t think.’ He’d heard me. People say the eyes are the gateway to the soul. I looked into his soul for the briefest of seconds, and he looked into mine. I saw anger, mistrust. What did he see? ‘So – what do you want from me? You ruined me! You took my private life and threw it out for everyone at school to see. How can you expect me to forgive you?’ How could I expect him to forgive me? In truth, I couldn’t. He had the right to be angry. I needed him to forgive me; I needed his companionship. I needed him to help me get through every long day. ‘James…I’m…so sorry. I didn’t think. You know it’s not a problem for me, right? Love is love, or whatever. I…I was just so naïve. I thought everyone agreed. I just didn’t imagine the ignorance, the hate. I can’t expect you to forgive me, but I can’t bear not talking. I can’t bear not being friends. And I want you to understand what I go through. What I put -’ ‘So, it’s about you now?’ ‘No, of course it’s not. It’s just, this has been hard on me too.’ He laughed, but there was no humour in his voice. ‘It’s been hard on you? I know how you told people, and I know why you told them. Cal told me. What happened to you wasn’t even that bad. You’re just weak.’ He called me weak. That’s what he saw in my soul: weakness and dependency. God, I need relief. I need the puffer, the key to my escape; I need that rush. I can’t handle what I did. I grabbed the puffer, and without thinking, without even bothering to care that James was judging me, was disgusted in me, I took a breath. I rushed into the change room. I needed to get dressed quickly. I threw on my shirt, hastily buttoning it up whilst putting on my shoes. I pushed my tie all the way up (may as well look presentable). I was dressed in two minutes flat. Just as I was about to leave the room, Sam came at me out of nowhere. A m p e rs an d 2 0 19 13
