NEWS STUDENTS FLOOD NGAIO MARSH WITH SHIT TO ESCAPE RE-ORI Some cheeky students attempted to flood Ngaio Marsh with sewage in an attempt to cancel a Re-Ori event.
However, the plan backfired due to the fact the event wasn’t good enough for a flood of sewage to detrimentally affect it.
The faecal philosophers were attending a gig that was part of the UCSA’s week of festivities when they realised flooding the place with poos would be more enjoyable.
“We take it as a compliment,” the UCSA said, adding, “the event was obviously too good”.
By clogging toilets in the adjacent block, turd years were able to flood Ngaio Marsh Theatre.
UCSA BARBECUES TO START SERVING WHITEBAIT FRITTERS
WHEEL CLAMP TO RUN FOR UCSA PRESIDENT
After the Students’ Association received a mysterious donation of whitebait, the organisation has announced that all UCSA barbecues will now serve whitebait fritters.
In a desperate attempt to repair its reputation among students, The Wheel Clamp has decided to run for the UCSA presidency.
“This generous portion of healthy, delicious whitebait is going straight back to the students,” said the UCSA Fisheries spokesperson.
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“I’m excited to announce that I will be running for UCSA President,” said Wheel Clamp. “I know many will not be pleased to hear this, but this campaign will show we’re not that different.”
“Never in our 127-year history have we not served pre-cooked sausages at our barbecues; this is a momentous occasion.”
Opponents of Wheel Clamp have been quick to fire off criticism, noting that car clamping shouldn’t be the business of campus security; therefore, student politics shouldn’t be the business of a wheel clamp.
Only five people have been hospitalised so far.
“Campus security doesn’t just clamp cars. They unclamp them too,” he rebutted.
