By Emily Heyward (she/her)
I have never worked in Human Resources. I know hardly anything about the profession. The only knowledge I have comes from shit-chat that I have seen on the internet. But I’m not going to let that stop me from comparing the department to inanimate objects. Why? Because I can. Men: take note. This is what you sound like when you’re mansplaining. To my first object. The fridge. Everybody loves you when you’ve got something they want. When you’re full to the brim, the people just can’t get enough of you. Morning tea up for grabs? Yes please. Is that the smell of sweet, company purchased Sauvignon Blanc waking me from my Friday afternoon slumber? You know it. Damn, you sure know how to boost morale from the inside out. Number two. The freezer. Look, we get it. Sometimes shit hits the fan. Josh hasn’t shown up for work in weeks, Carla’s turned up for work in an Oodie again, and Johnny, well, who the fuck knows about Johnny. You’re a bit over it at the moment, and everyone can tell. I think we’ll wait for you to cool down a bit before mentioning that the new employee you just hired is busy writing his letter of resignation. Number three. A faulty fire alarm. Because sometimes you
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can be a bit like that screeching fire alarm that’s hellbent on reminding everyone about the importance of positivity while dumping stacks of paperwork on our desks. Irritating. Four. An iPhone. You’re the encyclopaedia of the workplace. You know everything about the new employee down to the name of their uncle’s ex-girlfriend’s cat because you’ve spent the last 5 hours stalking them on every social media platform you can think of. You know what time everyone starts work, and you sure as hell know when they are 10 minutes late. You’re basically Google. Number five. A tissue box. Because sometimes we’ve just got to cry to someone. And you’re a human resource, after all. Number six. The kettle. You’re in hot demand. From hiring new staff to getting rid of old ones, you’ve always got something bubbling away. Move over coffee; I want the tea. And last but not least; a fork. Because what the fork do you actually do? All love, no hate. CANTA respects all HR departments.
