DIVERSIONS
ultravires.ca
March 27, 2019 | 27
Intra Vires Totally real news from around the law school HONGHU WANG (2L) AND MATTHEW PRIOR (2L)
New building at 90 Queen’s Park worries U V editors
Mysterious white powder discovered in library
Glassless Society makes wine drinking accessible again
Donations f lood in for mental health resources
Ultra Vires editors are worr ied about whether the underground burrow in the basement of Falconer Hall that is the Ultra Vires of f ice w ill be demolished for construction of a new building at 90 Queen’s Park. Many students inter v iewed were sur pr ised to learn that U V had an of f ice at all. “I thought that they were just mole people who disappeared underground”, said Tr init y Woodsworth (0L). Separately, law students were unsurpr isingly indecisive over the planned building at 90 Queens Park. Several overheard mutter ing “on the one hand… on the other…” to themselves as news of the new building broke. No word yet if the next moot tr yout w ill consist of a real estate zoning issue.
Police were called over myster ious white powder found in group study rooms at the Bora Lask in Law L ibrar y. Further tests revealed it was merely salt from tear yeyed law students. No conf irmation yet if the salt was used as an opportunistic SNA IL deterrent. In other news, a myster ious tunnel was discovered link ing the basement of the Bora Lask in Law L ibrar y w ith the main Tr init y College building. Entrepreneur ial “pre-law” students were seen smuggling in nav y sweatshirts w ith “TR I N IT Y COL L EGE” in gold pr int as well as a myster ious white powder that your correspondent conf irmed was def initely not salt.
A nnouncement from the Glassless Societ y: Fr iends, it is time we r ise up. For too long the shadow y cabal that is in v ino ver itas have tw ined their merlot stained f ingers around ever y aspect of our school. I propose a new w ine club—the Glassless Societ y: a w ine club for the common law student by the common law student. Its members shall adhere to the following tenets: 1. We w ill dr ink only red w ine. 2. We w ill use no glass, spittoon or bucket. 3. A ll rev iews w ill be point-f irst and in plain English. There w ill be no sommelier-ese. No discussion of mouth-feel or fruit-forwardness. 4. No merlot. 5. We w ill not dr ink any w ine from a cork top bott le.
Ms. Yuk imi Henr y was seen jumping into a pool of cash Scrooge McDuckst yle after donations poured into her department follow ing Ultra Vires mistakenly reporting that 71% of law students indicated that they had a mental health condition (the actual number was 21%).
The f irst w ine we w ill rev iew is Mott’s Clamato Caesar: Pick led Bean.
Tort or No Tort? Return of a beloved column with only half the funny HONGHU WANG (2L) This semester I’ve g iven up all human interaction, yet the Yak persists to lure me out of hiding w ith delicious pastr ies and mediocre fruit. TORT or NO TORT? There are no tarts at Yak’s Snacks. TORT or NO TORT? A 3L , who shall remain unnamed, continues to browse Tast y v ideos on Youtube r ight in front of me dur ing our 4:0 0 to 6:0 0 PM lecture. My stomach rumblings can be heard throughout the class. TORT or NO TORT? Some idiot scheduled my classes from 8:30 A M to 8 PM once a week. TORT or NO TORT?
