FOREWORD C/W: mentions of self-harm, child abuse As a young girl growing up in a conservative Chinese family, I was raised to be sceptical about the concept of mental health and the very idea that one could even be mental ill despite the constant displays of it running through my family. Even though I saw signs of self harm in the adults in my family, saw my young cousin who barely ate and stayed in his room all day until he eventually ran away, even though I saw myself coming home to feel nothing yet empty, I could not fully grapple with any of these things. I had internalised abusive behaviour I thought was normal and acceptable, and ruthlessly mocked others as being ‘white’ for rejecting our culture’s teachings (in my early teenage years, there were too many moments when I jeered "you think beating your child is bad? that's so white"). Eventually that line of thinking led me into depression and a pervasive shame that continues even today; shame at needing therapy and of suffering from depression. Even now I lie to people when they ask why I went to the doctors; even now I struggle to talk openly about feeling depressed even with those close to me.
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It’s only now in hindsight that I feel regret, sympathy and sadness at the broken down lives from the circumstances that hurt all of us. I am thankful I was able to escape that toxic and contemptuous mindset from the help of my friends with similar upbringings as people from immigrant PoC backgrounds. Without us all sharing our stories, offering sympathy and support to each other, I could have never learnt to grow and look at those suffering (even myself) with kindness and love. That’s why I wanted to create this zine, why it’s so important to me; because everyone needs a helping hand, to know they are not alone in their struggles. It’s my sincerest wish for even just one person to read this zine and begin to understand and unpack their trauma. JESSICA HUANG
