SELF-GROWTH
You say I turned out fine. I think I’m still turning out Rachelle Tacadena Rachelle Tacadena
“Can you wait a sec? Let me catch my breath. I can’t remember how I got here.” I don’t think I ever really ‘came of age’. I’m entering my twenties this year (just a mere twenty years too soon), and I am sure as heck still growing up and figuring out who I am and who I will be. I know I’ve got to grow up some time, but I don’t think I’m ready yet. I guess right now, I’m just a weird, anxious and awkward soul. A Dreamer (according to that Adobe Creative Types Test) a.k.a one who overthinks, daydreams and is very emotional (so...nice to meet you too!). I latch onto occasional cliché coming-of-age movies for somereason and Netflix shows about growing up (like Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012), Glee (2009-2015), Sex Education (2019) on Netflix and even Big Mouth (2017-2019) because I find myself in them (minus Big Mouth. I just like John Mulaney and Nick Kroll content among other things). And don’t even get me started on my love of YouTube and how that has changed over the years. Here I am shouting “ME” at these things like Shane Dawson because these things are, in fact, me.
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Alongside YouTube changing significantly from its wholesome 2014 era, one thing that I have realised is that it has taken me since high school to recognise that how my mind is is a genuine and worthy problem. For as long as I can remember I have been a shy kid. Since mid-high school, I brushed off seemingly new traits that have now snowballed; hesitation/ fear in approaching people and keeping a conversation, easily distracted, disliking eye contact, fidgeting, disappearing into my own world. “Nah, I’ll just get through it on my own like always”, I would tell myself as I waded through. Even now, I’m still who I’ve always been; inside my head a lot, trying to escape the feeling that the world has passed me by. I’m surviving when I should be thriving. A quote from an article I read in high school went along the lines of, ‘I have a foot in two campsites but a tent in none.’ Link that with dodie’s song ‘6/10’ (“I know that you don’t want me here”) and there’s my life in a nutshell; never being enough, masking everything, making new friends but always floating around groups, always aware of the fact that everyone is more interesting than me and is closer friends with each other. I related to that song about anxiety before I even knew what anxiety was. How do I always end up being the odd one out on an even table? I was (and still am, honestly) at a point where I truly believed that I didn’t deserve any of my roles because everyone else was more worthy and skilled. That I didn’t deserve any of the people I have had the honour of calling my friends. I couldn’t legitimise it as more than just being shy or sad because it could be worse. I always think that I might actually be okay, and then I come in and prove myself wrong every single time (love a circle of life).
art:
@natashar0se
