1981-82_v04,n21_Misprint by Editor Imprint

Weird Association

of Rediculous Punkers

¶eh

#N”” Friday, December

@I@ “Like, wow man, I ’ like, think that ah... like they’re really you know, like they’re good. .Ya, that’s it. They’re good and; like I should know” -Gairy Stuart

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CHRISTMAS MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT ANDGRAND POOBA OF THE FEDS, WIMP SIMONEX: e

I ah hope dat da holaday season is good to ya. Cuz like I know dat-dis year has bin a bummer wid da cutbacks an da risin costs, so I hope evrathin is . like OK. Luv ya all as I know dat you luv me. Right?Da ya evan like me bit?

CONTEST The Feds are once again holding their FED .LOGO CONTEST to replace their present borin 9 dull and overused lo o. !5imply sketch our i 8 ea 0.n a piece of p i!ain white a er and drop it by d&. Ail entries must be in b an. 15, 1982 to be eligi %l!e. Judges will announce the winner in the Jan. 22 issue 6f Imprint. Something in the shape of a lizard or warthog will be best. .-_ Good ILuck Everyone .

Off!

E REDEEM THIS COUPON AT &i FEES-OFFICE NEXT TERM FOR ,$l,OOO Off Your Tuition! ALL

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A pe.rson is required to help* important members of the Federation to tie their shoes. Experience would be helpful ! but not necessary i Contact Wimp Sominex i Federation Office -GC 235

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. Friday,

New cult discovered

A new cult has appeared on campus, and its effects are so far being felt mainly among the old and the naked. Members of the cult gather at the base of large rocks and big trees and debase themselves before the leaders, generally referred to as “Holy ones” or “Leaders”. They then abuse themselves and shave their heads and chant passages from Euripides’ The Bacchae, specifically the 1927 Oxford translation., A ceremonial “straight man” is present, generally dressed like Dante Alighieri, a Florentine poet of the 14th century, best-known for his inflammatory religious poems, published as the Commedia. He is also the author of several thinly-disguised political and sexual treatises, generally addressed to a woman named “Beatrice.” The effects on campus have been slight so far, but officials are worried. Father Manuel Marguelez, newly-appointed head of Campus Bizarrerie, said “I am very worried, yes. So far there have not been many problems, because, as you know, there are not so many old and naked people on the campus. “But-as time goes by and my people have not the money to buy new clothes, so they will of inevitably become course naked and then they will be prey for this vile cult. I am very worried and the parish priest will not help.” Marguelez was defrocked after refusing to stop using the Latin word for “lizard” in the Mass. His accent has been the object of considerable controversy, with some people claiming it is Costillian and others saying it was Slavic. The cult formally refers to themselves as “Bacchae gen,” and claims to be made up primarily of people who are reincarnated from classic literature. “I wonder what Dinah is doing now?” mused an old woman who identified herself as Alice. “Do cats eat bats? Do bats eat cats? Oh, dear.” She then recited some of the cult’s inflammatory slogans: Tinkle, twinkle little bat How I wonder where you’re at Up above the world so high Like a tea-tray in the sky Slogans like this are being heard more and more frequently. Another member of the cult, Pope Pius XIII, was more willing to talk. Unfortunately, he did so in a language later identified as 14th century Italian. Why all the characters from Dante’s Inferno? That was the question that Misprint put to UW’s specialist in classic literature and psychological doubletalk, Walter “Palindrome” Retlaw. \ “Well, you have to understand where we are. We are in Southern Ontario, a region distinguished by its location. Southern Ontario is not occupied by anything but Southern Ontario. “Further, you must understand the political situation at the time that Dante wrote his Cornmedia. Florence was divided into two political parties, the white and the red Guelphs. Do you begin to understand, do you see? Do you?’

meeting dressed as According to Retlaw, the ’ prayer Silas Marner. proximity of UW to Guelph Already deprogrammers helps these people, wh,o are have been hired from the Math unstable “sickies”, to fixate on faculty. Dante. (Dante himself hisOne family, whose son was torically did not approve of known as Tom Sawyer while cults. Thus it is ironic that this he was in the cult, explained latest infringement of our how it worked. citizens’ civil liberties, this “The cult never lets you destruction of our moral fibre, alone. Always, you’re doing is based on his work.) Retlaw further said, “If you something, whether it’s keep pressing it, it keeps watching Masterpiece Theatre with the leaders, or chanting moving.” He did not explain Eng Lit slogans. Tommy this comment, preferring to Tommy was an engineer.” shave his head and go to a

December

11,198l.

Misprint

3,-d

on campus= sick They explained how Tommy had gotten involved in the + cult. “He had to take a nontechnical elective, and - he took Classic Literature 100, figuring it would be an easy half-credit. He was old and naked, but he had adapted so well.’ Tommy’s mother broke into tears, then recovered. “First it was little things. Philosophy. Discussions of

The Turn of the Screw. James Joyce. Henry James. We tried, really we did. For Christmas we gave him a Richard Rohmer novel. But it was too late. He was already with them. Finally, in desparation, they hired the deprogrammer. Tom had been riding a raft down Laurel Creek when the deprogrammer kidnapped him and took thim to a secret room in the bowels of the M &

C building. There Tom was forced to be alone with a television and videotapes of Charlie’s Angels. He was read selections from comic books. He was given magazines with pictures in them. Today, Tom is a happy, functional illiterate. This year, he graduated. But how many more will be captured? Father Manuel Marguelez doesn’t know. And the cult isn’t telling.

Sominex goes on the warpath inpub “We’re going to cut their bucks off,” announced (roared) Whim Sominex to a large, random collection of students in the Bombshelter, late Tuesday night. The current president of the Federation of Students clearly had had a snootful. Reports indicate he had been partying with a few councillors and members of the executive. It appears he was referring to the proposed committee for the policing of Federation referendae and elections, an attempt to prevent cheating by candidates. Cases of posters being left up during actual voting have been reported well as the recent case of 93 extra “No for OFS” ballots being returned from the mailout vote. Posters advertising candidates, according to Sominex, “Have often been found lying face up in garbage cans, behind open doors and,” he continues, “under things.” Sominex was not entirely clear what “things’ had been lying atop posters, but he was very clear on whose posters had been visible - “the other guys!” Asked if he himself was as assiduous as he should have been regarding posters, he replied (weaving, somewhat), “Sure. We take ‘em and pitch ‘em. In a can. Garbage can. How they land ain’t my problem. Besides, I won.” “If I won, the students didn’t mind seeing me around, right? They must like me. You like me, don’t ‘cha, guys?” he asked the CC Pub goers. Response was undetectable. “Right,” concluded Sominex. Whose bucks does.he want to cut off? “Now, that’s just a finger of - figger of-figure of speech. What I mean is, any candidate who gets caught cheating is gonna get hurt, see? We’ll take him and . ... no, Bobby isn’t with me anymore - he was so good at that . ..” Sominex took a moment to down a brew in remembrance. Bobby Ellioop, Fed vice president, and Sominex split over the OFS issure. Ellioop is an ex-member of the O.P.P. and can be presumed good at ‘taking people and . ..‘. I “We’ll bug hell out of them,” Sominex finally concluded. Sominex, under pressure of beer, finally admitted that the Federation could do “Sweet damn’ all” about offenders, whether they were caught or not. “Without muscle, we’re nothing.”

As an example, he cited the 93 extra anti-OFS ballots in the recent referendum. “We can’t do anything about that, can we? If some smart-ass -1 mean, some civic-minded scrutineer hadn’t noticed the difference in reproduction they’d have gone right in.” It appears no steps are being taken to apprehend the offenders. “How?” Sominex peating. “How?”

kept

re-

“Why does Helga keep locking up the good photocopy machine?” he added, lamentingly. He was picked up shortly for the long trip back to his room at the London Psychiatric Hospital (LPH) where “They are very king to him,” said Bobby Ellioop, in a previous interview. Misprint Hack

A covertly-acquired picture of a“Bacchae gen”meeting. These people represent cult on campus, a growing force among the oldand the naked people oncampus. be assumed thev will soon trv and dominate Federation council.

Campus Cretins “Death to Reagan! Death to Reagan! Down with American Imperialism anywhere it is found, even under chairs and tables!” - shouts that echoed around the Arts Lecture Hall Monday evening during a meeting of the student wing of the Cretinous Party of Canada (Massively-Lunatic) (CPCML), as the five members waved their hands in the air, danced around, and displayed vigorous revolutionary enthusiasm. “We fully support the great Libyan leader Colonel Muammar Gadaffi in his crusade against the president of the most evil capitalist nation on

support

earth! Long live Gadaffi long as he’s on our side!”

As his opening remarks imply, the local chapter of CPC(M-L) (the Cretins Club) wholly approves of the rumoured move by the Libyan leader to send a team of assasins to the States to snuff the president. According to the Cretin’s spokesperson, Dough Stonewall, “Gadaffi is of course correct in his line that Reagan is silly and he is not qualified to lead Amerika .. . We are not afraid. we will resist forever Amerikan aggression.”

The mystery of how to produce investigator Patricia Far-From-Shore. speed, efficiency and to discourage

an incredibly

funny

Gadaffi’s

a new It may

plot

Stonewall was quoting an or your passport,” said Stoneinterview with Gadaffi printed wall, concluding his address. Nickolas Rimski, leader of in the Globe and Mail, Monday December 7 on page the UW NDP Club, holding a 3. rally next door, commented, “Further,” continued “Who cares about them? Cretins are only persons with Stonewall, “He’s doing pretty well. We’d have done the same * deformity and mental retarlong ago, except he’s got this dation caused by a thyroid big advantage - an indusdeficiency; or, colloquially expressed, stupid people.” trialized country. He can make guns. And bullets. What’ve we got? Albania. Big deal. What He concluded by saying he can you do with sheep dip?” -, didn’t like them very much, “We call on all Cretins and ’ anyway. friends and supporters of In a related item, the UW Cretins to render aid to any of Cretan Students Association Gadaffi’s men if they happen has asked the Federation if to show up on your doorstep they can change their name. needing a-bath, some dinner, Silly Groups Bureau

radio

play

was discovered

A similar arrangement is contemplated spillage and customer turnover.

earlier this week by covert for the Bombshelter patrons for

Page

i .

Misprint is the student newspaper at the University ‘of Waterloo. It is an editorially independent newspaper published by Misprint Publications, Waterloo which intensely dislikes the Federation unless the President forks over reaily important amounts of cash. Same deal with the Administration. Misprint is a member of CanadianUniversity Press(C;UP),anorganizationofmorethan50(lastyearritwas 60) student newspapers across Canada, about a quarter of whomarera~radicalnutcasesbutwestay’causeusuallyit means money and good parties. Misprint is a&o a member of the Ontario Community Newspaper Association (OCNA) because it gets us supplies (and I don’t mean photographic paper) realJy cheap - they’re people we can really ‘deal’with, y’know? Misprint publishes every Friday during the regular terms unless we go to the GradClub Thursday night instead Mail should be addressed to “Misprint, CC 140, University of Waterloo” and if it gets here we’ll do what seems necessary after all, janitors need work too. Misprint: ISSN 0705-7380 Misprint reserves the right to be w bribed into running ads. If it’s dir@, you pay more.

In space, no one can heargou scream “It’s done!” . . . which should come as a SurI%i.se to no one. Is this t$pe small enough? Good.. . The starship slidgently into Earth orbit with little or no power used: as though an exhausted long distance runner, its pace had slowed considerably from gravity drag and the atomic motors had to roar only briefly to drop to orbital speed&Voyage over! (For now, at least. ) Disembarking for shore leave are Perry Domzella,Virginia Butler, Roger Theriault, Pat Shore, David Anjo, Tim Perlich, Keith Milne and John (5urtis. AhO dropping through the chute are Kathy McBride,&maLehn, Prabhakar FLagde, and taking the scoutship down, John McMullen. Why the ship? He earned it.itick Jansen (pickedup onA.ldebaran, dropped off on Kent where the wings are warm and the beer flows freely - a kind of fieldworker heaven) is remembered fondly. It’s been a long haul through Fed/OFS radiation storms, FASS coffeehouse graviw waves, meteor showers at Fed pubs and fallout from a slew of nutcases in the letters section. But, shucks, letters provide insulation for the ads. Keep ‘em coming. The ship goes a little askew towards the end of the voysge - kind of a Misprint on the typewriter of life - but things end well enough because after all it’ll be a month before we have to do it - depart on another perilous voyage - again. We hope you’ll join us on the road ahead. Bridge crew tells off as panels are shut down, electric typewriters hum to a stop, as the typesetter powers off: John W. Bast here, cutting main drive. Peter Saracino cancelling navigation and probe equipment. Scott Murray discharging fissonable materials and locking the keys inside to make sure they will be safe. Sylvia Hannigan making sure final pay slips come through and the log is complete. No more Campus Events for WEEKS, Sylvia! ‘We’re leaving, on a lizard.. . don’t know when we’ll crawl back again...’ Itis9:00a.m.ThursdaymornUgDecember lo,1981 andinaboutsix hours the paper will be done. EXCELSIOR! Dear world: don’tbother me, I’m not in for the next four weeks.

,-Edzkorial

Anti-vandalism

move’ is silly

The latest move by the Campus Centre Board in their effort to reduce vandalism is, patently, absurd. To lower the walls in the washrooms is an act which would seem ludicrous to the untrained eye, but which upon closer examination is revealed as stupid. For instance, what will hold up the ceilings? Are they not liable to come down after the walls have been lowered and become a new area for vandals arid graffiti-artists to assault? No, I fear that this solution will not reduce vandalism, it will only gi& the vandals different areas to work with. But what then is the solution? Wdl, I believe that the attached photograph holds the key. You will notice the terrible mess in the washroom shown above. This washroom is in ES 2; it has not been vandalized - it was made vandalized. Yes, that’s right; the walls were destroyed, the dryers ripped off the walls, dirty words scrawled here and there, hither and yon, before astudent

No sirree. Not us. Never. Never, ever, ever. Not even once. We won’t. Those who say otherwise are just full of it. No, we feel that only by examining the underlying reasons for student violence, for student vandalism, for student mandalas, for mantra rays and other deep sea creatures, can we ever truly manage to solve problems. And what is the answer to solving the problem so that we have an answer to the problems and therefore a solution? Research, that’s what. We need more research, research funded by/ ‘your dollars, research that allows scientists and quasiscientists to live off the public purse like leeches

Friday,

December

Misprint

sucking at the skin. Like little intestinal parasites of various genera and even phyla, they will be allowed to sit and grow fat. But maybe incidentally they will tell us the answer to our problems. In fact, we have deemed this problem so allencompassing, so hotly disputed that we have obtained, at great expense to the Northern Michigan Ostracism Club-, two debators whorn have both been thrown out of better places than. Misprint will ever be. Vern Cowchip Fieldwokker and Walter A. D. Manninger. So here, with their own Point/ Counterpoint, are Vern and Walter . . . . Take it away; boys!

Do you feel any of the Christmas spirit?

ever setfoot in it. Do you see the elegant simplicity behind the plan? No more will students harm property, because it is already lowered to its maximum allowable entropy. (To be sure, it could be lowered further and converted to heat, but that would put us out of the frying pan and into the fire.) , But this still does not answe,r the underlying question, and does not really solve the problem. Why do students feel it necessary to destroy things? Is it not true that when they have been deprived of property to destroy, they will go on to harm such other things as livestock, newspapers, papers, government officials and even real people. Now, we may feel that Skip Stephenson can die, but even so, we will not be party to a heinous crime such as murder.

11,198i.

Dave

Shannon, of injured in a UW, rugby match, will spend his Christmas in hospital this year.

If you wish to send a card to him, please address it c/o Lyndhurst Hosp. 520 Sutherland Dr. Toronto, Ont. or In a move to reduce vandalism, the Campus Centre Board has ordered the removal of the walls surrounding thk men’s washroom in the CC. They have been forced to remove three urinals as well. It is viewed as a positive move by those who did it, and a move against sex discrimination in washrooms by those who don’t use urinals. Photo by A. Philer

Donate to the Dave Shannon Fund, through the Dept. of Athletics.

Policies and Proceedures of ~upds!m Code of Ethics a) That student journalists should strive occasionally to be fair and to write things in such a way that the people who pay the bills will not be offended. b) That student journalists should realize that it is- the publisher, not themselves, who is reponsible for the paper and you can write what you damn’ well please as longasit doesn’t offend the Big Bucks. c) The paper should correct in print any errors that the public notices. If no one notices, shut UP* d) We can get as dirty as we want as long as

Sylvia doesn’t notice. Smut should until after the middle of the paper.

be kept

Policy of the Paper The editdr determines the policy of the paper in consultation with the Production Manager and Business Manager. Students can acquire a say in policy by a suitable cash donation to one of the above.

Acceptance of Material Submitted There is no guarantee that anything submitted to the paper will be used, especially if the editor doesn’t like it. The editor likes: com-

mentaries from anti-nukes, anything from the hippie-existentialist club (Integrated Studies), and anything loosely classifiable as news that he can rewrite and put byline to. The Production Manager likes pap, iii great quantities, to put around the ads. Like letters, classifieds, reviews of the U W Drama Group.. .

Response to Letters

Staff Meetings

In order to preserve a free, democratic and safe student newspaper, the paper is to remain editorially independent from governing bodies such as the Administration or the Federation, unless they fork over cash both to the paid staff and the paper itself. Then if Wright likes it, it’s o.k.

Staff meetings represent the governing body of staff, except for the veto held by paid staff members. Extraordinary staff meetings may be held at five minutes notice for extraordinary reasons, such as shooting staff members who don’t toe the correct line.

The right of editorial response to letters should be exercised as often as possible. An attempt will be made to make such responsesas vile and slanderous as possible.

Autonomy

Point--cmlterpoint

Scientific

Friday,

research

by Vern Fieldwokker Research is nothing more than an excuse to employ out of work scientific types who have nothing better do do with their time than sit on their spotty behinds and think of silly things to do. Take for example this little item gleaned out of the Jersey City Whip and Gazette, where scientists were given a grant of four million dollars to discover uses for flattened mice. Albeit a breakthrough in this field might be

useful, but the four million dollars, most of which was used to import elephants, is ridiculous. Take for example a recent research project at the University of Peoria, where a team of

a necessity

and Walter A. D. Manninger scientists spent eighteen years looking for a cure for death. Or how about that fellow who spent his whole life trying to cure Bees Knees? Silly, right? I think we should take scientists outside and show them a thing or two. Knock ‘em about a bit and they’ll come to their senses! Counterpoint: Walter, youdispicable hoser. You have shown the masses that you have no other purpose in life than to put an electro n magnet behind your privates and go out in search of pubescent girls with braces. How can a journalist of even minimal intelligence discredit the backbone of world advancement? You have taken it upon yourself to take away the very purpose of existence of the people who have brought us such badly needed commodities as the K-tel patty’stacker and the little piece of tin-foil to put your Juicy Fruit in after you’ve chewed it all to hell. Where do you, the man personally responsible for giving toothless winos a place in the whorehouses of America, get off telling us that the world’s scientists are nothing but a bunch of Loony Tunes wasting our money that would only be spent on something useless like pollution control anyways? You have obviously not researched your statements and I feel very strongly that important advancements should continue to be made in the field of hemmoroids.

Walter, Walter, Walter; Walter. Like lemmings to the sea, you are drawn to the ridiculous once again. Your mother obviously never told you that she and your father met only briefly at a costume party in the Mid to late Fifties. You have sought to ravenously devour the blatantly obvious truth and suck out an untruth so that you’ll have at least something to write about so that the typesetter can do his thing in hopes of having his wildest sexual fantasy-fulfilled by you from underneath his chair. The crazy glue that is keeping what little brains you have in place must be diluted with Preparation H because something is definately missing. Whatever coined the phrase “A few bricks short of a 1oad”must haye made your acquaintance. Even a year in public school science would have made you aware of the need for scientific breakthroughs. For instance, for months the world has been yearning for a cure for Brenda Vaccaro’s “hhhhhhhhh” between sentences of no interest to anyone other than the naive who think that simply because they have the same curse they can jump out of planes and scuba dive like never before. Scientists like the infamous Dr. Helmut Zitz have contributed so much to mankind that appreciation could not possibly have been shown on mere paper. Who else, upon recognizing a need for information on the rare foot diseases of the Aborigines of Lower Slabbobia, would

God given

never

conforms.

duty to remain

It is our

at the forefront

of all societal trends; to lead the common folk by setting a moral example of our-elves.

by Rml

blocti~chy3 Nobody

after

Why should the only man to be listed in the Guiness Book of World Records under the heading, ‘Social Diseases’ be considered in full control of his senses. I hope you’re shot! Vern: Uh, wanna forget the whole thing and go for a beer? Walter: Sure.

Winston

everv

Smith, photos by the Asbestos Kid. .

Hangeron

is like

lots of wikker mauve.

Billydoe 1st $r.

Rtlntgreen

coolnessa You know man, it’s like, wow, we’re the avante garde of the plariet. By sett3n.g trends the musician leads people to see

things

as they really

are.

5,-,

today

me. I freebase

meal. never f&niture,

wash.

before

and

and have

I am. Yoq are. It’s the environment. time, but that’s OK.

all of it pa&ted

Ocrad Messaphysics Turtl

Misprint

Are you a conformist?

Camxms Qmestion

The aristocraqy

11,198l.

apply for and receive a five milliondollargrant to buy thousands of cases of Boon’s Farm Strawberry Hill, necessary for the trip to this land. The money allotted to projects of this magnitude is wisely invested. Sure,all research does not meet with your approval. For Christ’s sake, if they had to seek your approval for everything, there probably would never have been a cure for furballs. Inconclusion, I say to you, drop dead. Your presence is not needed.

throughs represenr only a tiny fraction of what governments are spending on research. You hypocritical little toady, you know as well as 1 do that last year the biggest research project ever undertaken in this country had to do with flinging lizards against brick walls and seeing what happens. Last year it was the sex life of eunuchs, the year before why people bleed when shot, stabbed and blown up. The waste can’t go on! It’s ignorant bleeding heart liberals like you Vern, who don’t understand a tinker’s cuss about science, who propagate such violations of the public purse. Shame, shame.

Vern, Vern, Vern, how would you know ’ anything about research when most of your life has been spent French kissing people with vomit in their mouths between discovering the truth about Mom, Dad and the Alien. I’m not saying that all research is bogus, after all there have been some major scientific breakthroughs in the last few years. Science can now tell us why our noses run and why snot is green once it dries. They have the inside scoop on haemhoroids, and the tin foil on the chewing gum is kind of neat when you’ve been sticking it on the undersides of public personages for so long, but these major break-

Fomp&Cir~l

December

EnUzone Big andlVIeaw

My thing is athletic excellence; a healthy body and an adequate mind It’s the extra second or inch or pound that puts us a cut above everybody else. We lead by exmple and the others aspire to beat our records.

By definition, the philosopher-max$ yr can’t be. It’s a classic example of “I tm ik therefore I am somebody ‘importa;nt.” By critica analysis and thought provoki-n$ descriptive ana;lysis (and other neat stuff) we force people to reconsider their foolish orthodox religions +nd seek the same truths we have found

Friday,

December

11,198l.

Misprint

6 1

Scared-a- Winos ajerk.. . orTo the editor: You, in the opinion of many are nothing but a gutless snivelling turd who no more deserves to be the editor than Pope. The lack of quality in your writing can only be excused due to the fact that as far as intellect goes, you’re sadly lacking. How could a moron of such minimal knowledge of even the simplest of ne’wspaper techniques become the editor? The very thought that a person who’s main goal in life is to shoplift a bagel from the bakery down the street run by a blind person and two Vietnam war amps, could, become editor of such a fine paper makes me regurge. ’ Oh how desperate those who hired you must have been to put you in an office of such importance. Surely there was someone else who could have done better. Any unfunctional

illiterate with the least bit of knowledge of the English language would be a more useful asset to the paper than you. In the opinion of many, you are scum. You are dirt. You aren’t even well liked. It is for this reason that I say to you, Mr. Redneck that you should be . . . eh? What? . . . OOPS! Wrong editor. Sorry. Karin Sooorensooon Weird Languages 3

Obscure cult feels maligned no live chickens To the editor: I found the facts in your article, “Everybody and His Sister Gets Drunk and Calls for Animals” (October 27) to be mildly inaccurate, to say the least. This kind of impression cannot be allowed tocontmue, and so I take it upon myself to correct the fallacies. First, the party (and not a “disgustingly debauched

orgy”) was held to celebrate the end of the middle of the beginning of the end of the biweekly termination of a raw buffalo hide we keep in our room, and n&t the middle of the end of the beginning of the end of the biweekly beginning of the end of the universe, as stated in your article. The reporter obviously believes in the oscillating universe, as otherwise the end of the universe cannot be considered a Big Bang. Second, the “call for animals to defile” was done in a civilized manner. We used a roast chicken, not a live one. We did indeed call over the telephone. There were very few fish involved, and all the lizards were returned intact. Torn to “shreds, their vital organs smearing the writhing bodies of the women” is a gross exaggeration. We run a clean club here! ’ I trust this clarifies our position. Sam Missionary Biology III

Scathing letter to editor retracted: Ragde right. Sorry. To the editor: I must deeply, humbly and verbosely apologize for my needlessly harsh criticism of Mr. Prabhakar Ragde’s re-

view of that literary and dramatic flop, The Bacchae. I should also apologize for not mentioning I was the lead in the play and was under contract and since the sucker was still running I didn’t have a choice - I had to defend it! There was cash on the line! I must admit my letter was sensationalist - offensively so. Mr. Ragde’s low key, conservative review, through its innovative style, was nothing less than accurate in its assesment of the latest bomb dropped by the Drama Group. My letter of last issue came from a peculiar state of psychopathology, not from the heart. No, it was not witty. No, it was not very clever. But, neither was the play. I must compliment you on your innovative, incisive, literate, and precise, almost mathematical, mode of address. It was nothing like the ‘cute but meaningless constructions and hysterical generalizations” that one finds so often in Misprint editorials. I loved it! Ilookforwardeagerly to your forthcoming tome on literary criticism. Your newspaper is funded, in part, by the students of this university. You are here as a service to us, and from this moment on, I am doubling my contribution in recognition of your uncompromising hon-

ON DECEMBER 4TH PARAMOUNT PICTURES PRESENTS WARREN BEATTY DIANE KEATON . ,EDWARD HERRMANN JERZY KOSINSKI JACK NICHOLSON PAUL SORVINO MAUREEN STAPLETON PHOTOGRAPHY BY VITTORIO STORARO EDITED BYDEDE ALLEN ORIGINAL MUSIC BY STEPHEN SONDHEIM ADDITIONAL MUSIC BY DAVE GRUSIN PRODUCTION DESIGN BY RICHARD S’YLBERT COSTUME DESIGN BY SHIRLEY RUSSELL WRITTEN BY WARREN BEATTY AND TREVOR GRIFFITHS PRODUCED AND DIRECTED BY WARREN BEATTY ORIGINAL

SOUNDTRACK

ON COLUMBIA

RECORDS

AND

esty in theatre reviews. Please have your business manager bill me. Wigi# Cosmosos Drama

have no understanding of your methods and naturally assume that you will assign albums to paid victims, they send you only unproven material. That Ragde admits is to say, the shit and garbage error they don’t think will sell well, To the editor: they palm off on the Imprint It is not without deep hoping that whatever minisorrow that I take pen in hand mal exposure you can give it to apologize for my criticism will get the loser off the of the UW Drama Group preshelves. sentation of The Bacchae by As a result, you have on Euripides. No doubt many hand manyjunkalbums byunmembers of the University heard-of, unknown bands. community, besides the heartThese albums are not wanted less critics in the Letters by the average reviewer, so column, now know me for an they sit in your storage closet utter fool. gathering dust and warps. Have mercy! Sylvia asked Currently you have a stack of me to do it! Look - I thought about 30 such albums. the people expected someI must say I was terribly thing of me! I felt I had to disappointed to discover this deliver! Can I help it if I fact when I wandered in last fopped? Bit off more than I can week looking for good music. I chew!1 admit it! I can’t even consider this false advertising pronounce the name of the and, since you forced onto me play, I’ve never met a Greek nine of these unwanted vinyl before, let alone an ancient frisbees, very unfair to the one! Back down! Please! record manufacturers and These letters are really getting bands as well. to me! I admit it: I am no more Many reviewers only listen qualified to review a play to the first two tracks on a parfeaturing the anointed Widget ticular album, and then disCosmosos than I am fit to feed miss them as garbage. What pigeons in ;he park. results is a very short review of His interpretation of the a bad album. Supposedly play was superb, the acting these albums must be rewas great, the costumes were viewed in order to keep the definitely above average. I manufacturers sending alhave learned my lesson: my bllms, when you know that ignorance has been exposed in they are not going to send the pages of the paper and I albums they know people will want nothing more than to buy. have Cosmosos’ forgiveness. Now I say that record comI have learned my lesson: panies are being unfair as well, people who live in glass houses since many students, myself shouldn’t throw stones. included, would like to read I’m not going to eat until I the review of even a good am forgiven. album before buying it. A Yours in desperation, record review should be enterPrabhakar Ragde taining as well, but this is not Shame 4 possible when there is nothing Literary prostitute but garbage to review. In summary, I plead with protests the record companies to send victimiza tion their good sellers as well as the To the editor: others, and I plead with you to I would like to take this oplimit some persons, who shall portunity to protest your remain nameless, from grabmethod of handling record rebing up all the good albums views. In the past it has been and leaving the scum for the your policy to give albums to latecomers. I respectfully subthe person that review them, mit to you my badreview of the thus creating an incentive for above-mentioned crap, which writers to come down to the I have kept short in order to office and produce the pap allow you to devote more that you put around the ads on space to other slop to put your ‘Records’ pages. around ads. However, since the record Bryce Springstreet manufacturers (most of them) Arts 2

Take a friend meet a friend, some laughs the show . . darts. Indulge times at “The

. . . have . . . enjoy . try some in the got Hero”.

Entertainment every Wednesday thru Saturahy

JACKIE

WASHINGTON singer, songwnler

TAPES

At the Waterloo House corner of King and Erb streets, downtown Waterloo

’

Student

driven

U W Biology student Jimmy “Nuremburg” Dortumunder has been diagnosed as “out of his- tree” by Health Services nurse Lynda Chesterfield. “He seems to have cracked under the pressure of living in today’s fast-paced, dog-eatworld. competitive dog, Classes and exams didn’t help. Neither did reading the latest issue of “Microscope”.” Microscope is the semioccasional publication of the Science Society.

‘round

Dortmunder was referred to Health Services by the Peers counselling centre. Spokesperson Cathy Taylor-Softouch told Misprint that they had been worried about Dortmunder for quite some time. “First it was the saluting. That was a real nuisance. We usually try to indulge a patient . . . we give into his little whims. But after requiring us to jump to our feet and cry “Heil!” whenever he entered or left a room we started to get a little irked.

...

the bend Apparently, however, the endless games of ‘Risk’ finally got to them. “He kept starting with Europe. He’d always take the black pieces. And he couldn’t stand to lose. He’d get very angry.’ Dortmunder, now 21, used to be a cheerful lad, going to his classes assiduously. He seemed to especially like the Biology labs, where he would happily dissect frogs, slugs, and many revolting things they don’t tell other people about, especially reporters.

mad

Brazil some twenty-six years ago. His last day at UW, last Tuesday, reads like a Gothic tragedy. After his session with Peers, which, according to a counsellor was “very productive”, he is reported to have read1 a Prabhakar Ragde article in Imprint, and later saw the UW Drama ‘Group production of The Bacchae. Apparently the threw him over combination the edge. One of his final acts at Waterloo was an attempt to have Dr. Douglas Wright, president at Waterloo, arrested. *

He marched to Security and ordered the arrest, saying that the “Schweinhund ist der von vhat ist responsible for der towing auf of mein Volks-

wagen! I vant him shot! Now!” He is reported to be resting comfortably at his room in London Psychiatric Hospital. Johnnes von Basten

EATON’S TRAVEL

l-l@

Wishes Everyone a HaPPY ‘I’l maa I Holiday Season and a Prosperous. New Year! Jimmy

Dortmunder

before

“I think he can be saved,” eported Chesterfield. “But it vi11 take time and lots of batience and kindness and emale attention by any wonan named ‘Eva’.”

the onset

of his syndrome. Above right: Photos by Central Reichstag

Then the boots. Big leather suckers. I mean, I love them, but they aren’t subtle. Mind you, though,” she ruminated, “I’ve been getting a lot more dates lately.”

After. Photography

He was origirially from Mississauga which, according to Chesterfield, “May have been part of the problem.” His parents are of German extraction. They emigrated from

EATON’S TRAVEL im t ha &rt h CarpamHall Ph. 085-1~11 B%em8a/s7w *

m&o581

om-ablo

TRAVEL ON VOUR EATON’S ACCOUNT

THISISN’T TEST...

But

if you don’t study it, you maymiss one!

Gray Coach -Waterloo University Winter Time Table Stops

at Administrative Office inside the North Entrance and at the Shelter inside South Entrance

Leaves South Campus: Monday to Friday. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . &.. .3:48 p.m. &?5:08 p.m. (or day beforeFriday Holiday). .12:04 p.m., 3:08 p.m. & 5:08 p.m. (Waterloo

North

Campus

times

are 3 minutes

earlier)

Leaves Toronto at: 6:45 a.m. - Monday to Friday Arrives South Campus at: 8:38 a.m. Leaves Toronto at: 6:45 a.m. I Monday or Day After Monday Holiday (Expsess) Arrives South Campus at: 8:08 a.m. Leaves Toronto at: 7:30 p.m., 8:30 p.m. &? 11:OO p.m. Sunday or Monday Holiday Arrives South Campus at: 9:08 p.m., lo:08 p.m. & l2.43a.m. (arrives

North

Campus

3 minutes

earlier)

For Tickets & Information: Eaton’s Travel, South Campus Hall 200 University Ave. West Telephone: 855-1211 Ext. 3362 or 3760

UiiUAhiS

Feds $41

Tuesdav, Jan. -5, Others$5 co-OP

UDENTS

Leaving on a Workterm? Want to be kept informedabout upcoming Pubs, Concerts, etc? LEAVE YOUR NAMl% AND

FEDERATIO

OFFICE

Bent Even

ulletins!

and receive monthly

-THANK

$ MONEY $ 1 Chief Returning Officer Required for Winter 1982 Federation Elections Experience would be helpful but not necessary Contact Wim Smonis Federation Office CC 235

YOU FOR YOUR PATRO eration of tudent

jktters Video games salvation of world To the editor: I’ve found it! Ultimate entertainment! Video games are -definitely the best entertainment value around for your quarter. Cannabis and magic mushrooms do not compare to the high you get by saving entire colonies in games like Missile Command. Latent murderers can kill entire migrations of birds in Phoenix. Ninety-six pound weaklings can easily outscore even the ugliest linebacker in football games. In short, video games provide easy escapism for even the most pathetic cringing little milksop. Twenty-five cents is all it takes.to go out on a joy ride when dad won’t lend you the car. You have an accident and your car is totalled? No problem, no $250 deductable, no fatalities, no bruised ego, just another quarter out of your pocket and piay again. Do you feel betrayed by the provincial and Federal governments fGr letting the Cross and Lapointe kidnappers off the hook so easily? Take matters into your own hands, play Search and Rescue and blow those F.L.Q. sadists all the way back to Cuba. Government subsidies are in order for these video machine companies; they keep psychopaths off the streets, and train people in the use of highly technological office machines. data banks, and military equipment. The time has come to make video games available to every man, woman and child. The social benefits from these games are enormous: tactical superiority in warfare, reduction of crime, the eliminat,ion of the threat of global starvation and just plain fun are just within our grasp. -Frank Roosevelt won the presidency on the platform of

Letters Policy Letters should be addressed to the editor, so when it arrives no snoopy little volunteer will read it before he gets a chance to tone it do-wn. Letters should be written in pencil as illegibly as possible to facilitate changes to fit our editorial policy, i.e. make us look good; The name and faculty of the writer should be included to aid the hitman if the letter stinks (p.s. - this is a threat.) Letters will inevitably be edited by the paper if we don’t like them. Pseudonyms are encouraged; if we throw the letter away you can never prove we even got the sucker. If it runs, it’ll run with your name on it because the letter will probably serve to make you look like an ass. Letters are a service to the students at the University of Waterloo and the advertisers in the Misprint-students need entertainment, advertisers need pap to go around their ads why do you think they’re always on a left-hand page? Letters will be printed on a first-come-first-served basis unless you’re talking about U W Drama or the Chevrats in which case they are thrown away. The deadline for letters is whenever we go out for a beer Monday afternoon. Views expressed in letters are usually ones the paper approves of but is too modest to say.

GRADUATES,

“a chicken in every pot.” It is time some politician promises a video game in every den. Erik Gedajlovic Vanier College

Typical

letter

‘1’0 the editor: Confusing introductory statement that is;really, grammatically unsound. Some elaboration that further confuses, and, in fact, appears to have nothing to do with the first statement. A statement of intent, motivation and disgust that supposedly justifies what now appears to bea long, boring letter. Suggestion of an example that is somehow related to the topic at hand, but only superficially so. Poorly-worded explanation of how this supports the author’s case, and a subsequent remark on the propriety of this predicament in the day and age that we live in. Smug comment alluding to the author’s own innocence. Another example that supports the author’s cause, but is somehow even less convincing than the first. A parallel explication that reveals theauthor’s stupidity and his failure to detect the contradictions inherent in his argument. A brief, tersely-worded series of, catch phrases that appears to be a witticism, but unfortunately is incomprehensible. A simple statement that (finally!) clearly reveals that the author is talking through his hat, followed by a thoroughly obscure qualification. Several remarks strung together in one long sentence that tries to bring all the author’s ideas together in a final (desperate) attempt to convince the.reader that this is really worthwhile, suffixed by a blatant condemnation of the (supposedly) guilty. A conclusion consisting of trite observations and mundane cliches, unwittingly calcalculated to resolve that this is, in fact, a long boring letter. A “clever” pun to wind up with. Some Snothead Editor; Note: A concise, tightly written sentence which corrects factual errors in the letter, and cleverly conceals a subtle jab at its author.

Sex as metaphor for everything club complains of columnus interruptus To the editor: I would like -fo complain about the comments made in your Campus Events section about us. Our organization (the Sex as a Metaphor ior history Club) holds true to several basic tenets, primus being that all the “climactic” events in human history can be interpreted from a sexual point of view. For instance, the universe began with the Big Bang, surely symbolic of the intent the world/ universe Spirit has for love, just love for us all. Then, the very evolution of man from the Neanderthal to the Cro-Magnon form obviously, the two original forms interbred, giving a species bang! The N-eolithic revolution was concerned with the development of hybrid grains and animals - theywere bred, and what is breeding but sex! Clearly, almost all the great climaxes of history have been precipitated by sex.-

This metaphore, nay established fact, my brethren and sistren, can be extended into today’s very back yard. Consider the invention of gunpowder - surely a bang if there ever was one. Then, the advancement of war to the point of firearms obviously gang bangs! And Colonel Robert Gatling of course invented the multiple orgasm. Your comments, to the effect that we were nothing more than a bunch of silly, perverse, sexually-oriented, immature individuals were out of order, a rape of our rights. We are not silly. When our Second Coming occurs, you will all be unsatisfied. Manfred Rhetoric, 3rd Yr. Political Science

Yes, Virginia, there is an escape Claus

To the editor: . Rudolph tells me if you read it in any newspaper there is a marginal chance that it’s true but I’m going to try you anyway. The elves tell me I’m being silly but I really want to know: Is there a Virginia? I had one

letter from her some fifteen years ago when the tyke wanted to know if I existed. She wanted a puppy and a brother to clean up after it, but things just didn’t work out that year and she never wrote me again. Christmas isn’t the same without her. Where have her letters gone ? Tell he she’s welcome to come sit on my knee! Rudolph says she can come fly with us. Even if all I get out of her is a Christmas list I want to find her. Ho, ho, ho! Santa Editor’s note: You Q in luck: we have Virginia r,qht here. Apparen 11)) the problem started when she felt you copped out. Although she will not sit on her knee (she S a big girl now) she did supplWy the Christmas list, which follows: 20 minutes in the Chicago Bears locker room (with cam- ” era) 8 I season of covering a team with a record better than O-29 (Northwesterns 3 unlimited jugs (of beer) 8 English papers guaranteed ‘A’s ’ Jim Palmer - with shorts. Good luck - regards to Rudolph. Ed.

Graduation Photos rt Make The Ideal [: Christmas Gift! : -There is still time to phone our studio for an appointment;~ - Graduate Attire Supplied@-

Forde Studio 745-8637 259

King St. Mr., Kitchener

[Across

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College St. Paul’s has vacancies for the Winter Term, 1982, and will welcome applications for residence in the College. For application forms and further information, please contact the College office or call: . -

885-1460

CONSIDER FORDING t,COAL

At the forefront of the Canadian coal industry stands Fording. A leader in Canada’s coal mining and international trade scenes, Fording _,; operates one of the country’s largest metallurgical coal mines, in southeastern B.C. Dramatic new coal projects in Alberta, coupled with the demands of this large and vibrant company, create continuing career opportunities for the capable and ambitious. Currently Fording has positions available to graduates, co-op and summer students in the areas of civil and mechanical engineering and computer science. Please check with your Canada Emplo ment Centre on campus for detailed information on t 6 ese and other positions. We will be recruiting on yourcampus this January.

. . \

J@ Thee UniversitysyGame -

lt dawns on you that the ‘bird’ :ourse you’re in isn’t a ‘bird’. lose a urn.

You join the Imprint staff. free roil; this is a biased game.

During your second week in residence you discover that the person in the room next to you has just purchased Jimi Hendrix’s 50,000 Watt amplifier system. roll again before you go deaf.

You believe the deans’ speech. lose a turn.

PRESS i

opening

4fter standing in the bookstore ineup for 2 I /2 hours you get in only to find most of the required exts out of stock. You end up ipending $75 on two thin texts fora bird’ elective. advance one - you :an’t fight the system.

u’ou pick up your schedule only to ‘ind that the computer registered IOU in 3 courses you didn’t ask for tnd wouldn’t let you into 2 core :ourses because they were full. go jack one.

1oI aonds aalI -

s)uapnls

.ieln%a~

n Ta n l

Orientation is fun. This might be a nice place. roll again.

‘You arrive on campus naive frosh, expecting be everything your guidance teacher said advance one - Good

a completely university to parents and it would be,. Luck.

Start - invest $3,000.

Start

How t6 go n:owhere- fast

Free Space - something here should still be free.

% A

You discover that you’ve just written an exam for a ourse you didn’t take and you did \well. lose a

Christmas exam schedule comes out and you have 4 exams in 3 days - December 2 1,22,23. sit and cry until your next turn.

;ree Space - study intensely.

Christmas exams - 1 to41 go on; 5 )r 6, go back to start.

411 this time you’ve been at the wrong university. you were accepted at UWO (University of Western Ontario), not UoW. go >ack to start and play the same game.

End?

around

Ihristmasvacation - free space to ear yours parents tell you how .tcky you are. You get a slide rule’ nd a subscription to the K-W Record as gifts.

music needed in societv

Revolutionarv

-: J We are presently entrenched in an age which features most if not all of the darker ’ characteristics of human nature, including but not necessarily limited to life, liberty, and the ’ pursuit of happiness. It is no surprise, therefore, that the aesthetics of the time are primarily those of madness. Grass, speed, downs, acid and reasonable facsimilies, homicide, genocide, suicide, strikes, riots, The Moral Majority and an immortal minority coexist in uneasy harmony, somewhat like Science and Fiction. Like Business and Ethics, like PiggyPop and Debby Boone, like you and me. Hello, I’m Crazed. Welcome to my world. In my world nothing burns. Nothing dies or decays orgrows or is born. In my world everything makes sense. Even Narcisstic Hors d’oeuvres. No ot?e even knows how it started. Those who do don’t remember. Those who don’t don’t care. Simply and suddenly it was there, in full bloom. Where? Upstairs. It was all Upstairs. Don’t tell anybody. We don’t want anybody to know. That’s one of the secrets of success. In my world, when Narcissstic Hors d’oeuvres wanted to be successful, they made sure that nobody heard of them. In this matter they had many allies, among them Whim Sominex. Whim’s contribution to the success of NH was enormous, though his role was fittingly limited. He dutifully made sure that if ever a deluded Narcisstic Hors d’oeuvre tried to publicize the group, such publicity would immediately be removed. It was through the diligent and thankless efforts of such as Whim that Narcisstic Hors d’oeuvres remained relatively unknown. Noonecared toask what NH was or did or even stood for, sonoonefoundout. As above, those who knew didn’t remember, those who didn’t couldn’t forget, and virtually nobody cared. Which figured significantly in their success. Everybody wants to classify something, and somebody wants to classify everything, but not everybody can classify everything. Punk, reggae, new wave, power pop, mutant pop, folk-rock, ska, experimental rock, jazz, classical, new music, bar-band rock, high energy rock, pet rock, rock n’ roll, blues rock, blues, rock, avante-garde music, synthetic rock, organic rock, symphonic rock, blue-beat, back beat, heavy metal, light metal, swing, fusion, wooden music, acoustic music, electric music, steam- and gaspowered rock, Rock Against Racism, Rock Against Pop, Pop Against Rock, pop rock, Pop-Roxx . . . distinctions fade fuzzy lines dissolve mistlike shimmering theoretical nothing in shrouds of fog and ignorance . . . But what they don’t tell you (the all-important What You Don’t Say) is that all these kinds of music and more come from the same place. And they also don’t tell you that all this music comes from the very same place that gives us poetry drama, painting and literature. They also don’t tell you that the source from which all these things flow is

located in Northern Iowa. I just thought you might like to know that. Something they do tell you goes something like this: If you can’t dish it out, don’t take it. No, no, I’ve got that all askew. What they say is: if you can’t take it, don’t dish it out. What actually happened in my world was that Narcisstic Hors d’oeuvres tried to present music that nobody could classify, and because. they were so successful at remaining unknown they found that instead of being able to dish it out, they were forced to take it. They took it on the chin, in the ear, and some other places too.

“Spend a week Upstairs with the Clash” became the motto and moral of the day, replacing such threadbare cliches as

J “Howzit goin’?“and “Take off, eh, ya hoser.” All this happened in real time.

And in real time they grew ill and expired. The cause of death was listed as Narcisstic Fibrosis, a sickly-sweet inflammation of h the id. Survivors were rare. No one cared. No one had to. Zoom in tight to a detail of the revealing fabric of time and space: faces for whom nothing is happening in real time, who are no longer in any time at all. Dancers and bystanders for whom an hour lasts just an instant, an instant extends throughout eternity. The well-known constants of human life suddenly vary, helpless victims of the dark magic of music nobody could classify. And all for only three bucks at the door. Parry Domzelluloid

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Distributor Wanted for an intensely popular but heavy student newspaper (You’re holding it). Move 12,000 papers from Guelph in your pickup or van (must be enclosed) to various places on campus. Pay negotiable, but in the neighborhood of $40. Call ext. 2331 or drop by the Imprint office, CC 140 and ask for Sylvia or John.

Spend

New Years’ Eve with us! $15 per couple gives you a buffet and entertainment bv RABBITS I

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The Can&m Snail will, however, deliver Imprint to your door withvagingdegrees of reliabilityifyougive us the $5.00 to mail it to you.

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(11:30 a.m.till 1O:OO pm “at the Waterloo House’ corner of King and Erb Downtbwn Waterloo 886-l 110

I Friday,

December

11,198l.

Misprint

13,

Rag&

a man to fzll spa

“Those who can? do, write; and those who can’t write, write for Imprint .” - Prabhakar

Ragde, just before leaving a mass of lithe, exerting, panting bodies . . .

“1don’t do it for money - but that’s nice too.” - A hooker I met on King Street in 1979 . . . There are those who would This dual function allows argue that writing, suchasitis, him to fill twice the space he and being the compilation of would normally fill, a blessing funny marks on crushed and for those whose responsibility chemically treated wood pulp, it is to fill pages. is either an expression of the But what of his responauthor’s ininost dreams or it is sibility to the reader? shit. Often, we find, it is both. Frankly (or Ragde), PrabWriting can, of course, be hakar doesn’t believe he has treated in several ways; for inone. His stories are written to stance, there is a specified, be written, as opposed to easy-to-read, streamlined sort being written to be read, or to of writing which is often found be red, or even being written in news articles (not, thank to be rattan (which would God, in Misprint) and Harlemean that he weavesaspell, or quin Romances. I wouldn’t raises cane, or something). mention the Harlequin RoHis writing is not only an exmances, except that once position of his own style, but under the influence of Ontario an examination of people’s Small Cask Brandy, I atwillingness to read long artempted to compose a letter to titles with a myriad of obscure Hunter S. Thompson and references. He will continue to mistakenly received three“grow terribly pretentiousand hundred and forty-seven difprolix at times.” ferent Harlequin titles the next Prabhakar has something week. that few people have. HonThis sort of writing can estly, I don’t know what it is. often be summarized in the He’s been to Health Services, word “shallow”; it can usually so it isn’t that. And he writes be recognized by the fact that for mathNEWS, too, so that semi-colons are never used. means he’s really diverse. The (That very sentence - cononly thing I’ve never seen tained a semi-colon - you Prabhakar do in print is lapse see, I am offensively literate.) into an accent. Other forms of writing include Greeting Card Verse, Christmas Carols for_ Other Festive Holidays (I have in mind a song done by Auante-

garde Maneuvers

in a Barrel

about Nagasaki), and the stream of consciousness, personal viewpoint, deep revelations-in-print often found among great writers like Hunter S. Thompson or Arthur Hailey. All of this would have no meaning in the context of a campus newspaper, except for Prabhakar’Ragde. 64

there’sdefinite t&;? t here.” - Prabhakar almost anyone

Ragde, on he likes. . .

Prabhakar Ragde. The name strikes fear into the hearts of copy editors. The sheer volume of his writing, the feeling, the range (sports to arts - and back again), the difficulty of spelling his name correctly. You have to understand what Prabhakar’s function is, in any of several contexts. Prabhakar is deep, man; he can be plumbed for hours (and _ friends say he often is). Perhaps this, by itself, would be sufficient for anyone else (say, the ghost of Bertrand Russell, who is about as deep as can be, or Groucho Marx), but Prabhakar writes for different purposes than, for instance, myself. Where I am browbeaten into submission by various people who need space filled in their newspaper, Prabhakar revels in it. He enjoys it. He writes really long paragraphs, longer storhis inies, and sometimes dividual sentences are longer than any of the paragraphs or headlines. That’s what he does: he writes long stories that fill space. But besides that, he does sports.

“When lgrow up, I want to be fictional . . .” -

Something I’ve been saying a lot, lately . . .

There are no biographies of Prabhakar Ragde. Hell, there aren’t even any manuals on how to pronounce his name. You just have to wing it, like lip-reading a chicken. I decided that Prabhakar had been born of poor but sincere clones of Fatty Arbuckle and the starlet he molested to death at a Hollywood orgy. He moved to Waterloo and changed his name after reading Cerebus the Aardvark. We know that he drinks Ontario Small Cask Brandy, and he often destroys records that he has obtained (at no cost) from the Imprint. Also, he likes John Otway and he drives an Olds Delta 88 Royale, once described in this manner: The car was notone to driue while sleepy: an Olds Delta 88 Royale with power everything: air-conditioning, cruise control, and AM-FMstereo, it practically drove itself, sqthat one lapsed quickly in to blissful reverie, broken from time to time by a gentle nudge on the wheel to avoid some persistent obstacle. . . Or maybe he only drove it that once. Therein lies part of the secret of his ambiguity: his inability to make background details like this clear. Perhaps they are unimportant; this does not matter. Those of us who have succumbed to the theory presented in the earlier part of this essay (or did you skip straight to here? I often do that while reading his articles, you know: look for an interesting part - we call them “outtakes” - and start reading from there. I find it makes no difference) feel that Prabhakar should be more open, more clear, more like a

graduate of Dianetics in revealing his background, his soul, his shoe size in his articles. Another thing we know about Prabhakar is that he writes letters to the editor which are often the actual reuiew. I mean, the only time I went to review something about which I knew nothing my review got cut. But Prabhakar wrote it as a letter criticizing the review which had neuer existed. I like that in a man. I think he wears English Leather. I like that in a man, too. One of the more obscure (again that word; Prabhakar taught it to me, and it is very useful; not quite as useful as pleonasm or tautology, but it is a nice Iword in a world where niceness is undervalued) theorizes about Prabhakar Ragde is that he is a woman (possibly a whore or an abortionist). I think that this theory is wrong, resembling as it does one of the older, now outmoded, theories about Jack the Ripper.

“From HELL, Mr. Lusk. ” - Part of a note from Jack the Ripper to Chief Inspector Lusk; attached to a package containing a human kidney. . . This, too, is a theory about Prabhakar, generally heard in the context of a play or record or performance he has savaged. From hell, indeed. No, I think we need look no further than this revisionist theories of Dr. Seigfried von Ossman, a little-known turnof-the-century physician and jazz clarinetist whose ideas on slugs and how they learn excited great interest among the cognoscenti of that period.

“Enough of this impressionistic mithering;make a judgement.” - You-know-who on the last section of any of his own articles . . .

Prabhakar

at 45 years

of age. Can he still fill space?

Will he revie.w

Interpretatioh

Writing. Like. This.

Greek

by Jank

plays?

Rickson

IF YOU'RECUTOUTFOR US WE'LLCUTOUTTEE COST OPGOIRGTO-

“1kver worried about that, you know - ljust wanted it to rhyme, man. . .” -

Von Ossman says that authors are shit. Prabhakar Ragde is fun to read, good to read. But why? Not, certainly for training in how to write. This style is difficult to imitate and sustain unless it comes from the heart or the darker centres of the brain, such as the cerebrum or perhaps the fourteenth hillock of the left neocortex. It has the advantage that once one gets to about this point, one can do anything, knowing that if anyone is reading it, they (he/she/they) will continue. Look! Mv God! It looks like the dog messed on the floor again! Or I could go off and talk about how the past tense of “to shit” is “shat” and why doesn’t anybody parse their obscenities properly anymore? Or I could just try some experimental.

Ragde

Paraphrase of a statement put in Bob Dylan’s mouth by Garry Trudeau. ..

Or not. See? Anything at all. Prabhakar is useful, he fulfills a niche in society (he’s going to hate me for this, but I can’t write five prwrb, people are whistling behind me,-each a different tune and each in a different key!) It took me a long time to start reading those imposing blocks of COPY-

I still save hisarticlesfor

last.

“It doesn’thave to make sense;they think it’s Art.” - Salvadore Dali, discussing Escher . . . If this were one of Prabhakar’s articles, \here is where you would start reading. Just for the bare bones of the article, -he judgement; then you could go on to the rest. But still - I wonder how Fatty Arbuckle reacts to this sort of thing? Johannes McMuffin

The Canad‘ian Forces Re&lar Officer Training Plan is for senior high school and university students who have come to grips with what they want out of life.

If you feel you’re cut out for a life of excitement, security and satisfaction with the Canadian Forces, we’ll pay your tuition and pay you while you take a degree in any one of more than 40 disciplines at a Canadian Forces college or a Canadian accredited university of your choice. When you graduate, you’ll step right into an interesting and well-paid position as an officer in the Canadian Forces. For more information, visit your nearest recruiting centre or mail this coupon. You can also call c0iled - we’re in the Yellow Pages under Recruiting. There’s No Li!:e Like It

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December

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YUKON JACKdl~ACK”4.

Assorted books of Iguana care and-training. Call Zigfried at 747-9907. Factory Rolls Royce. Has defective lighter. $100 or more or best offer. Call Reginald at 576-9942, evenings preferably.

TheFrostBite.

Vast collection of collectible weekly paper. Sure to be hot item in next collectibles craze (1990 orso). Willingtoletgoat rock bottom prices. Browse through and see where your collection is lacking. Bundles of fifty only. Imprint office, cc 140.

arm several small cubes

of frozen water with 1 l/2 ounces of Yukon Jack. Toss in a splash of sparkling soda and you’ll have thawe the Frost Bite. Inspired in th wild, midst the damnably cold, this, the black sheep of Canadian liquors, is Yukon Jack.

Used copy of Knute Rockney All American. Call Warriors Football team.

8 ac Jk

For Rent A largecardboard box. Makes a great home for students. Call 787-943 1.

The Black Shee of Canadian Liquors. Concocted wit I! fine CanadianWhiskv. For more Yukc n Jack recipes write: MORE YUKON JACK RECIPES, Box 2710, Postal Station “U:’ Toronto, Ontario

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Help Wanted Person(s) needed to work at Dog Polishing Clinic. No experience necessary. Phone Bill at Clatch Ratch Bassett Hatch anytime. Vegetarian to work in restaurant that serves nothing but sand. Call Shale Shack. The Psychology Dkpt. requires subjects for experiment on condom safety. Both sexes may apply. Release form required. Results kept confidential. Pay is $5.00 for a fifteen minute session with an opportunity to earn extra money based on your performance. -7 sessions in total. Contact Robert in PAS 3005.

Personal Do any of these words embarrass you: Shoe, Megaphone, Grunties? If so call 2345678 and ask for Monty. Looking for: 3000 lbs. of peanut butter. Call Smedleyat 79 l-4848. Do you vomit a lot in embarassing places? I do, and can show you how too. Call Lenny at 444-9898. Research dollars needed for a study involving small crushed animals. Also needed: small animals to crush. Call Helgaat 432-8765. Minister of Educationlooking for a friend. Call Bette 345-997 1.

OPPORTUnlTY

CAMPUS INTERVIEWS JAN. 8th L

OHNSTON-MACCO/SCHLUMBERGER.

Many companies talk about their “World of Opportunity” but few, if any, can mean the words quite as literally as JohnstonMacco as a division of Schlumberger. Our products or services can be found making their mark on the energy industry from the U.S. to the Middle East, from the Gulf of Mexico to the North Sea. That’s why it makes sense to work for a company whose horizons are endless. As a leader in the designing, manufacturing, and marketing of the finest tools available in the oil field service industry, JohnstonMacco will continue to prosper. It’s plain and simple, as Johnston-Macco thrives, your job opportunity and career advancement grows. ..so why not join a company where your future and their future are one in the same.

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These positions offer excellent starting salaries and outstanding benefits, including company paid insurance, profit sharing, and dental insurance among others. If you are ready to join a company that is encircling the world with its expertise then come to Johnston-MaccoSchlumberger; Please contact your placement office to set-up an interview or send resume in confidence to: Jacques Morin, Johnston-MaccoBchlumberger, P.O. Box 36369, Houston, Texas 77036. An eo la1 opportunity employer, m/f. I

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Do you look ugly? Is your face covered with unsightly pimples and grease? Do you have excessive nose hair and flabby white legs? Do people run away when you walk down the street? If so, we probably couldn’t do much for you anyway. Danny’s Salon, 422 Gotmiere Street. Have we got a deal for you! Come to the Bridge Club, 7:00 p.m. on Saturdays near the Welland Canal. Wear a carnation and we’ll know you.

Rocky, I just can’t tell you how much I hate your guts. You are a sick pervert who is about as ; exciting as dead flies. You make me puke youcreep. How about Saturday night to do it again - Cuddles. Tired of the same old food fare? Add some spice to your life at the Dead Insect Cafe. Centipedes sold by the foot. The Dead Insect Cafe 687 Orangepeel Drive, Kitchener. Have unslightly Carmen.

warts? I do. -

Sleigh Rides. We take friends of yours out into the country and shoot them. Call Marvoat 67 l-3456. Fish Fish Fish, have we got fish. Big ones, fat ones, skinny ones, smelly ones, cuddly ones, heavy ones, we got fish. The only problem is we hate fish fish fish. If you’d like some, you can have ‘em. Call Sidney at 668-8906. Fourth Year Chem. student for hire. Will produce quality explosives for legitimate subversive groups. Free estimates. Call Martin at 6 17-9890.

Double Rolls of Bathroom Tissue Mhen you use the paper Do you use the big roll last? So it disappears so slowly ahd the small one will go fast? So we don’t run out on weekends, Obey me when Iask, When you use the paper Please use the big roll last!

Guts

Instructions for Poets Composing Poems whose Titles are Ftir Longer than the Poems Themselves I’ll tell them, not show em To 4 lengthen the poem.

What I Learned in Highschool I I I I

learned learned learned learned

how how how how

to to to to

sleep sleep sleep sleep

in uncomfortable places. ywithout grotesque faces. where a cockroach held races. with incredible graces.

Anybody Creepingfrom tree to tree, Lurking in the corridors of my mind, c Hiding in the crevices, Like moss, 1 My love lies waiting. Waiting for a girl, Whose mind andform, Like the forked tongue of a lizard, Can probe the interstices of my brain; and Like a plumber’s snake, Free the flow of warmth that lies locked below. And when that love isfree, Flying, we 71drive to the clifjf F%ere I will have my way with her. Wildly. Like a blood-maddened tse-tse fly, I will satiate mysee She, too.

Friday 81 Saturday

nday - -Wednesday

Thus proving any dumb shit Can write poetry.

TUESDAY

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DOORS OPEN - 7, LINE-UP Begins -6 Tickets: $5 Christmas has come early!! Thursday

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Muhammad Ali, Smoking Joe Frazier. . . the list could go on forever. Last week Frazier fought a ten round split decision against an unknown ex-con named “Jumbo” Cummings. In a few weeks Ali will no doubt embarass himself in the Bahamas against Canada’s own Trevor Burbick. , One must sit and think about this for a moment. Why are these one time great fighters trying to prove to the world that they still have what it takes togo the distance in a sport usually reserved for the young, fast and quick healing? Why are they leaving themselves open to insults, -putdowns, and criticism? And the biggest question of all. . . Why the hell are they going about this the hard way? Every Canadian knows that Trevor Burbick is a tough opponent at all times. (You didn’t know that? Oh well, don’t worry about it.) As for Frazier’s opponent Cummings: the guy’s built like a friggin’brick shithouse. Toget into the ring with this bull, you must certainly be a few miles gone to the twilight zone. Comebackers like Ali and Frazier should take a look at what fellow fighter Roberto Duran is attempting. Unless you’ve been dead for the past year, you know that Duran is the fighter that gave up the fight with Sugar Ray Leonard for‘ no apparent reason. Duran, accused of taking the money and running, was a national disgrace in his own country, Panama. As far as the various boxing associations were concerned, Duran was not worthy of fighting again. He publicly announced his intentions to retire, stating his lack of desire as the reason. BUT, as sure as our editor’s car will stall in the busiest intersection in the twin cities, between the hours of four and six p..m., in the worst possible weather being followed by some impatient salesman who’s anxious to get to a potential client’s house to make a sale to collect the commission that is badly needed because his wife went out and blew a wad on a goddam imitation fur coat that looks like it came over on the ark, (possibly the wild Peruvian Yak’s quarters) that she really didn’t want but seeing as how her artsy-fartsy neighbour with grey teeth and a really disgusting ear-wax buildup, bought on it seemed like the thing to do because God knows she doesn’t want to be outdone by her neighbours who p’robably think McEachen is a real nice boy who’s doing a good job when in fact he should be strung up by the family jewels and forced to listen to five hours of Helen Reddy songs, Duran is going to make a comeback! However Duran is planning to take a much easier road back to the world spotlight and big buck earning potential. Rather than fighting big name fighters like Leonard, Hearns, and Ernie Shavers, Duran has opted for slightly easier subjects. Slated, to fight Duran next June in beautiful downtown Burford, isformerfirst mother of the United States, Lilian

Carter. Carter has been training vigorously for the past three days and has this to say about the fight: “How the hell can you get caught between the moon and New York City?” If successful in his scheduled 65 round battle against Carter, Duran will then take seven months to prepare for a fight against the entire Vienna Boys Choir. Also on the list of potential punch-mates are TV star Tattoo, It-v Weinstein, Sister Mary Theresa, and Dr. Douglas Wright. Why do boxers like Duran, Ali and Frazier attempt to return to this cruel bruising sport long after the crowds stop coming to see if some O.H. reject that works in a pet store will come running up to

the centre of the ring in front of everyone, throw her arms around the winner who looks like he French kissed a Japanese Bullit Train, and smells like he moonlights as a manicurist for’a pig farm,‘and says, “Oh Rocky, I love you”? It’s the money! Six Million Bucks is what Duran picked up for his last fight! With cash like that up for grabs, I don’t know why everyone doesn’t try for a piece of the pie. Hell, the government should take the hundreds of thousands of people off welfare and give them a pair of boxing gloves. If nothing else, a few of them will get killed, therefore leaving more money for unemployed recipients to buy beer. Fiesty Bulchwad III

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The Manitoba Telephone System, a Go&h Corporation since 1908, provides a wide range of telecommunications services to the people of Manitoba. MTS is committed to keeping up-to-date with the extensive technological changes which are occurring in the computer, communications and electronics fields. Current openings include:

PROGRAMMER PROGRAMMER/ANALYST SYSTEMS ENGINEER Opportunities for advancement are excellent, salaries are competitive and creative, challenging projects abound.

MTS will be on campus from January 6 to January 8. 1982.

~ORFURTHER1NFORMATION,ORlNTERVlEWARRANGEMENTS, CONTACTYOURON-CAMPUSPLACEMENTOFFICE.

Cazmpus Even@ Anyone wishing a campus event placed in Misprint is just plain outa’ luck because it’s too late. So there. Anyway, even if you did get it into the mailbox in time it got lost. So hit the road sucker and find free advertizing space somewhere else.

- Fri., Dec. llVoyages on Giant Lizards. UW’s Biology-Earth Sciences Museum will feature photos taken by Professor Walter Thalidomide while high on speed, LSD, yak milk, and something he found in a garbage pail on Yonge Street in Toronto. This man has a dinosaur fetish. Hours: 9am to 5 pm, daily. KW Probe office hours are the same as they always were. Same deal with the Bombshelter, PEERS, and all the other dull, orthodox types. Jumua’s answered.

(Friday) Prayer Today is friday.

The Bloody Mug - various Christian and other heathen rites celebrated with tea, muffins, alters, and virgins. Read “Cults dn Campus” feature available at bookstores everywhere. Hippy Existentialist Club meeting (group grope) at 9:30 pm on the fioor in front of pinball machines in the CC Pub. Bring your own toga and wicker chair. Sumptuous carnivore feast. Live demos. Selfrealization through vicio_us knawing. theatrespurts. “Best scene with an actor and a wet furry animal.” Audience participation encouraged. Tickets at the door: 75q for Feds, $1 for aliens. HH 180. P.S.his name is Brian-G Martin. Don’t hurt him.

- Sat., Dec. 12 Dig those crazy Christians. Waterloo Shy Alfalphans get together to get down and boogey at WLU in FPB. An&her religious hum-dinger. Debating Club regular meeting. Tonight’s topic: resolved that we should not have a meeting tonight. 5:30 pm in Conrad gerbil 250. Uppers Club. Join us as we rush to the top without bothering to climb. 7:30 pm or thereabouts in CCCp 113. Fear and Loathing Grad Club. Come Misprint production chase Bela around with a meat cleaver get his money bucks).

at the see hefty manager the room trying to back (10

The Wacos (Women’s Action Co-op) holds a publicity meeting.

- Sk.,

Dec. 13 -

The Snerd Gherkin Memorial Club will hold an instructional demonstration on what you can do with the metal tab once you’ve pulled it off the beer can meeting in CC 135, first office on the left. Campus Worship Service. Chaplain Rem Koovistrata. “Religion across Laurel Creek”. Location -across Laurel Creek. I’m worried about McMuffin. honest, I think he’s infatuatid. this has never happened to him before. He has always been a rock of sanity, you know; weird but steady. But lately he has all the signs of having lover’s balls -he walks around sighing and when you sneak up on him you can hear him speaking the lyrics to Beatles love songs. Soon he’ll get to the final stage -looking up her address and going over to her place to look at the building. Late at night. In dark clothing. Let’s hold a meeting or something to snap him out of it. OK?. Be here. bring a baseball bat.

- Mon., Dec. 14 I’he Debasing Club holds regular meetings. Come and learn the art of debasing. Develop your cocfidence, learn to speak the right lines both in private and in public, while having a lot of fun. Comrades Greedy College, midnight, in boiler room for a hot time. Film - Baden-Powell grows up and quits pederasty, in The Boy Scouts of Reading Gaol. Ask for Oscar; there’ll be a Wilde time in the old town tonight. -

still there. C’mon down - closing soon! Lots of free beer if the en. gineers gang up on the bartenders. Bombshelter

Tues., Dec. 15 WJSA invites you to their weekly Bagel Brunch. Learn to eat these cute little hard doughnuts in the native manner. Fresh from their natural environment - Toronto. Auditions for the next Drama Flop. Come and sign up for anything - members of ‘I hate Imprint Reviews’ union given special preference. Have your card ready. for reviewer of the next Drama Flop. Come to Misprint office. Interviewer: Prabhakar Ragde. Get your buttons here. Interviewer: Prabhakar Ragde.

Auditions

12:30 p.m. on the landing between the Fed Office and the Misprint office. A discussion of the terms of the agreement worked out by the Two regarding the Fed ad on page two. World of Dunce series. Jonas Beerbelly and the bottlecaps perform on the Humanities stage. Obscure selections from Bach, Haydn and Ostenak are enacted in an atmosphere of learning and late-night Oktoberfest. Bring your own sausage. Hi, I’m a Lizard, part of the late fall concert and film festival by the Maranthoid Christian Club. There will be a time of singing, sharing, and odd southern-Christian Moral Majority rites. Come see what today’s clean minded youth can do with a young lizard. Anybody can be saved. The

FISHNET

Old

Hut

- Wed. Dec. 16 Birth

Control

Centre

Cinema Gratis RCAF training films, including VD Wants You and The Jeep -A Tireless Job. Well - what do you expect for free?

between the Fed office and the Imprint office, at 12:30 p.m. A discussion of the terms of the agreement worked out by the Two regarding the Fed ad on page Landing

Everybody’s getting into the act. Pick a spot oncampus -odds are you’ll find one somewhere. Church

services

Proposals Resumes Letters Essays

Copying~ServicesAlsoAvaailable SpecialDisoountsForStudenti VeryReasonableRates 264LawrenceAve.K-k 576-7167

11,1981.

Landing between the Fed Office and the Imprint office, at 12:30 p.m. A discussion of the terms of the agreement worked out by the Two regarding the Fed ad on page two.

The Debaiting Club holds final meeting for the term. If you haven’t yet learned how to take meat out of traps, or worms off hooks you never will so don’t come.

- Fri., Dec. 18 Imprint staff checks ‘obit columns to see if fed prez Sominex is dead, because he doesn’t seem to understand the terms of the agreement worked out by the two parties regarding the fed ad on page

two.

F OF

*GUITARS *STRINGS *A,MPS *Musical

19-

Frankly, I have just been engulfed by a feeling which I cannot name. It is a listless, lost feeling of worthlessness. Drugs would do me no good right now; nothing seems worthwhile, all is futile. And yet I cannot accept religion. Strength must come from within . . .

- Thurs. Dec. 17 -

Serving the U of W

(Best

Misprint

Pandas run wild in Misprint on American Bandstand. office - really, they have. The Gosh, neat! ad manager said so and he conversation. Intelligent doesn’t lie, except in the Hear some! Record it. It course of duty and then only rarely. So protect yourself! - makes a memorable story to tell your grandchildren. You Get Anti-Panda Pads! owe it to yourself. So come on Tiddley-bum. Tiddley-bum, up at 8:00 p.m. in HH 374. If tiddley bum, mtiddley bum. you get lost, don’t worry. We Tiddley. Bum. Tiddleybumtid have St. Bernards looking for dleybum tid. Leybum, tiddleypeople like you. bum. Anyplace. Anytime. Hey, everybody! I think Wicker furniture -for sale, McMuffin’s going to be okay. It Great Hall. Hurry; it’s all turns out it was just the flu. It’s painted mauve and it’s going so hard to tell. But if you still fast. The CC. Don’t get the want to come down and hit ones with cockroaches in him with a baseball bat, go them. ahead. It can’t do any harm.

Bette Stephenson will be BINT runs a sexist band that speaking at the Valhalla Inn. 8:00 p.m. Lynch mob forming ’ nobody’s going to attend anyway ‘cause you can’t dance to in front of the building at .7:30. it and their album only got a 55 Bring your own pies.

Christmas POTTERY JEWELLERY WEAVING WOODEN TOYS ART WORKS ~

Waterloo Instruments

Deals

in Town)

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Craftspeople

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Catechism for the Obscure and Those Wanting to Become Obscure. Part of the “Religion Across Laurel Creek” series. 4:30 p.m. Across Laruel Creek.

free, private, confidential info on birth control and other dirty habits. For demonstrations and examples, visit our branch office in the Village.

Hut. Learn to live in an energy-free environment. Till the soil with an ox-bone plough; seminars on being sanitary under Middle Ages conditions; being resourceful with natural resources like sod. Live the natural way uncured animal hides for winter coats supplied. 8:30 p.m. out towards CKMS.

l%0fdonal!Q7p~~d~

l l

liminal MUZAK -enough; you need religion to control your free will. We’re not a cult just a fun bunch of vegetarians getting together for a good time and fun with preying Mantras. Remember: you too can be different -just like us!

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Skydiving Club -quick way to cure fears and lose control over sphincter muscles. Ride a plane with no door! 5:00 p.m. - high up. WPIRG’s

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