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With Ms. Ntincy Dear Ms. Nancy,
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This is horrible, just horrible. I’ve been teaching for years and can’t avoid staring at women’s, nipples when I lecture. What can I do? P&f
Dear Prof, ’ Obsessive jerks like you. shouldn’t be let loose on our undergraduates. You ought to be on streetcorn‘ers panhandling for nipples and dimes. ’ -
Dear Ms. <Nancy,
I
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I’m in 4-B Engineering and haven’t been laid yet, ever. Help! 78147036
Dear 78147036, If I help you I’d have to help the rest of the bloody Engineering class.
Dear Ms. Nancy, ,
I know there are legal provisions for name changes, but . are there any changes in places of birth? Every time I tell people I was born in Come By Chance, Newfoundland, I breakout in red blotches.’ ’ Misplaced . _
Dear Misplaced, r I suppose it beats saying you come from Dildo, Newfoundland (you could break out with something else). Sorry, but I have my own probl.ems in that regard - I come from Elmira.
‘Dear Ms. Nancy, _
Yesterday I was’ in a threesome with two others from the English Language _Proficiency Program. Just as I was about to explode, someone uttered, “I - hope none of us have herpes.“? Calm
Position
Dear Calm Position, Don’t ask me - ask- your doctor. . . or Ken Bedletter!
Frequent guest host of the Thickehead show, Mike Fairabee, proved tc be even thickerheaded than are his guests as he decided to give up hi! *promising career as a sexual deviant and gz \wk she 3w host for religion. Says Mike of his new-found activities, “I was tired of all the behind the scenes 4 o> politicking and all the parties, drugs and women that go with show business 1 j$J$g 1 none of which I was invited to participate will be rewarded for each in. I have found religion and am putting all youn gster’s joke printed. Send to: that behind me. From now on I live to Cam pus Enquirer, Rm. 140, Cam pus Centre, UW, Waterloo. serve’my new religion - Fairabeeism.” The former’ used shoe salesman- went Q: j What do you get when on to explain his new religion, founded on with a YOU cross a rooster December 7th, ,1983 and again on telel phone pole? December 8th, 19&P “I call it Fairabeeism A: L\ 48-foot long cock that because I invented it. I know a lot of people m i just wants to reach out and want religion but don’t want a lot of the tow :h someone. ‘.’,Johnny rjgamarole that goes with it. With. Snot, age 12, Fairabeeism, there aren’t a lot of rules or ‘UNIX Hacker traditions to worry about. They just sacrifice two young virgins to me once a A modified design for Federation Hall was approved last Sunday; by month and that’s about it .” Sl :udent council. Fairabee was not willing tocomment on The design came in just under budget at - $1.5 miliion. Federation of ’ how well it was going so far but none of the S tudents president, Thorn Hallison declared, “Yes,, we’re quite proud of girls the Enquirer knows are involved; 01urselves. Getting a design that was below budget is a significant acchievement for my administration. It was too bad that at the last minute we ENOUIRER (USPS 372-940) . hi ad to drop the rotating restaurant concept to do it.” Published weekly‘ by En uirer, Critics of Hallison have alleged that the final design for what is now being Inc., Lantana, Fia. 38464. Vol. 58, 3 0. 13. \Ci ailed ‘Uncle Tom’s Cabin’, has strayed substantially from the original MAIL SUBSCRIFTIONS $19.9!5 a year in‘ U.S., $20.95 a year ih Canada, $X@O a year CConcept. However, Halliso,n insisted that “although the rotating restaurant for foreign addresses. Second Class postage w as dropped, the design will still seat650 people, but not at the same time.” paid,,at Lake Worth, Fla.. and at additional mailing offices. POSThlASTE?l: Send address changes to ENQUIRE& Lantana. Fla. 33434.
‘I e $10
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GRAD PORTRAITS!!
GRAD PORTRAITS BY:
Jtiiversity Photographers .
.
The BEST folded deep-fried pizza in town. Mon-Wed
“We ODYSSEY Free delivery on campus (Special not valid on delivery) 4pm- 12Mid. Thurs&Fri
ya here!“‘
.
1 lam-2am Sat 4pmL2am Sun 4pm-10pm
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“Important
Grad
Portrait
Information”
It appears that some ofthe local studios are not too pleased that theirmonopoly has been broken.‘Asa result, there is an active anonymous campaign going on to “put our studio down”. After a careful search considering many different bids by photographers, our studio was chosen over all other studios. The decision was made based on price, quality and service. Your Grad portraitsare being taken under the;supervision of Gerry Laarakker, MPA. MPAstands for Master of Photographic Arts. There are approximately 75 Canadians who have received this highest compliment in the Photographic Profession, but none are in the Waterloo area. You might be interested to know that Wilfrid Laurier University switched over in their entirety to our studio as well. So don’t be misled by ads that are designed to confuse you, we are the only official studiohired by your Executive to provide you with Grad Portrait services. And because of our money back guarantee, you’ve got nothing to lose! If you don’t like your proofs, we’ll cheerfully refund your money on their return!
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Are you a Turtle? heaven. (among toujouis.
I love cuddling with you other things). Je t’aimes Your little Punkin.
Vinay - Wishing you a happy 2 1st birthday and best wishes for the next 21. Ugma, Ahinsa, Paresh, and Punam. Bradley &‘ Steve: thanks for an eventful term, it was a lot of fun. Best of luck during your work terms. Merry Christmas! Marg, Carol and Andrea. Mik & Reg: Who are you? How do you know us? We want ourdwinkswhere are you? Donna & Leslie. Theo: I expect to see you wearing the red ribbon for Christmas. All Ted E. Bear’s only wear ribbons, don’t they? What’s with the argyle sweater? Get with it! H. Hancock. Dear M.G.L. See, I didn’t about you after all! Ditto, ditto. Hope your term ends Have a great time in Hawaii.
forget ditto, well Love,
nnn
Xmas! forward
And I’m really looking to our work terms!!
Toronto 5914650
Andrea, Carol, Marg and Mary Thanks for a very enjoyable term; you’made life in residence bearable. I Good luck and have fun next term. Brad and Steve,
J.H.,-J.C., C.M. Cheers to three wild and crazy roomies. Thanks for the MSG SUNWATB . .. nothing worthwaterfight, insults and abuse. It’s 1 while every comes free . .. I hope you been great, Merry Christmas. P.S. 1 have enjoyed the past term, if nothing b Shirl, Laura, and the Campus Kitten: j else my typing skills are much improved . . . Have a merry Christmas Pickles: Well, another term is over You weiners are leaving! M UC* later! I wish you clear sailing in ‘84. Things won’t be the same without Laurent Superman, Mr. Pillow, and the Afghan.’ The TV Lounge will be 1 Turkey. Season’s Greeeting! Why sometimes dreary life. Each term our quieter during GH and other 1 don’t you stop byforsome Christmas -friendship grows stronger. Imagine spiritual events. Either keep in touch cheer after the thirteenth (no rum and eighty years from now Take care. eggnog). Good luck on Finals! A or eat worms. Love, Carol, Vebbie, Love, Goober. da friend. Blanche and the rest of the morgue losers. Upper Morgue: Contrary to popular well done! The word travels fast. The Polly - I’ve got a pang for a piece of belief - she is cute and cuddly. (Even I Revengers. the feet...) cake. Got any recipes? A.B. SECS; Have-a great workterm folks! Jeffrey: Hope the work term is a Names I (corrected) - I jumping Can’t wait till summer so we can pick success. The next time you hear a conclusions. was basing on impresup where we left off. sions, you show what capable In I funny horn, think of Big O’s and me. 1 you haven’t. how I convinced yourto L.J. Merry Christmas to: Anthony, Lee, I’m. Margo, Jody, Rick, Judy, Lori, Lousy: When are you and Michael Mark, Tina, Sharon, Rhona, Peter, To the Cafe Cult: Thanks for a great taking your next cruise on “the Love Keven, Laura, Steve, Carol, Kerry, term, hope to see you all in Jan. Come I Boat”?- Don’t get your sea-sickness Dave, Amajet, Jamie, Dave, and out to BC some time! T,ony. 1 pills mixed up-with the other ones! / I Mario. See you all Saturday. We hear the owl’s got the balls. Congrats to lceomers: B2 ChampI Where does that leave Michael? So Chris and Eugene: Well we found the ionslceHockeyChamps.Ateamany much for the “easy way out”! Signed , whiteout. Come over any time for coach would be proud of. What a 1 liverwurst and pickles. The coach. great season. Tina. sex dwarves. Henry Marty: Good luck in the Park. RB - WW last chapter’83;“lnmty We’ll miss you . . . almost as much as is doing the same thing over and over others. Located at Woodroffe and 0. and 0. (giggle). Are you sure you again but expecting different reKan’t stay? Happy Holidays! Sharon suits.” Here’s to a fantastic New Johnson and Anna M. _ Year! Can we talk???! Still keeping Mr. D. Cook - Howaboutlingering I my eyes peeled for you . .. oldand-rich in the afterglow. I don’t car how I . . . not at all! Laurent. diskriptive yor righting iz, akshions 2 little sex dwarves: Do you suppose all ways speek lowder than wurds. Lousy will forgive us? Do you Please reply. Miss MC. suppose she’ll understand us? Since Mightly Olympian .-. ;--Y.ou-touch my I’m not Kinkv(not my fault) and not
Spinny Chicks: Very sorry about weekend. See you at Bullring next term. Dar: thanks for your apartment. Anne: thanks for the bruises and for three wild weekends! Karen and Connie: Thanks for introducing
Guys: Here’sto us. (Ginandanything of course). I’m going to miss it all. Best Christmas ever and don’t forget to write. The Non-J.
cow again and 1’11break your biceps. Hugs and Kisses, Greggie L.
Jim Hall Memorial Ball Hockey Team. Congratulations on you; appearance in the finals. DB.
‘J. To the most refreshingly different girl that I’ve ever met. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the brief time we’ve had together. I now it’s not your nature, but take the initiative, and give me a call. R.
Helen Hope you have a great birthday and best wishes for the future. Keep smiling. Ugma, Ahinsa, Paresh, Punam, Vinay.
D
me to the Bullring. Write to me, Anne has address. “Disco”, the “sexy” Centurian.
jd: Last night 1 slept on sheets of fire, burning up in wanton desire. The Down is Pain - my room is Black; I blindly look for you. Wishing you were beside me now, jb.
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NEXT TERM’S
Cindy Windy Wendy Worm: Happy Birthday December 20th! Your humourous brother Fraser. (T.G.) To my little elf. Thanks for a great term. CanIt wait for Toronto. I still want to see your nighty. Santa. Chris: “Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven by fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, wither so ever the governor listeth. Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth.” Have a Merry Christmas. Laurent. Mary: it’s going to be a long2 months wait. P.S. I’ll take out the garbage. Your Cape Bretoner, A.S. Tim: Wednesday nights have been great. Thanks for all your help. Merry Christmas. Your working Partner. Chris didn’t red! those
McCurdy 4A Chem: Rudolph have to drink to make his nose By the way, how did you get panty hose? The Revengers.*
Tuxedo - For the past three weeks I have been very comfortable with a routine. It has been a nice, socially acceptable way to take a nap. Almost ready to wake up now. Looking forward to ‘84. Hope you will be a part of it. Laurent. “Lovie” - thanks for the birthday wish in last week’s,issue. I thought this would be an appropriate time (in the “Misprint”) to thank you for always being there to make me smile! Yahoo - we made it through the term! Here’s to 1984 . . . - “Janers”
Ottawa
k
,;, +--
TORONTO
in the least bit Dinky, I remain. your ever-loving Winkv. S.P.M. Merry Christmas! I hope Santa fills-your socks with beer. See ya next year. Trouble O.O.T.A.T.
OTTAWA
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230-7775 January 12: Molly McGuires January 19: Stoney . Mondays
591-1650 -- January 11: ._The Jolly Miller . January 18: The Brunswick House ‘2 --
MONTREAL . January January
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11: The Annex on Bishop St. (above St. Catherine St.) 18: The Old Munich House (St. Denis & Dorchester)
1
January
January January
EDMONTON January
CALGARY
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482-1840 12: People’s Pub (Redford Inn on Whyte Ave.) . 19: Alli Katz t (105th i Street)
Additional Information will be available at the first Pubs or from the Federation of Students.
Sponsored by EngSoc A & B, MathSoc and the Federation of Students
12: Highlander Hotel “Scotland Yard” 19: Dinnies Den (Utiiversity of Calgary)
om and Dad - Many thanks for 2 ,wonderful celebration on our 1s’t”. Looking forward to spending lristmas with all the family uch Love - Jane & Shelagh. lualors: M oduluses are in seacon. A ttle of ouzo does not a party make t it feels damn good. Beware of ose who don’t exist. Das luftkissenlrzug ist ful mit alles. ‘The eel ners. tous mes amis - Variety is the very ;efice of life. We may not always derstand one another - we can lY Q-Y - but we tmust appreciate; r differences, and of course, our nilarities. Merry] Christmas all, .urent. anger Krista 4A Chem: Rumour s it that only one person has ever led their 492, and that’s only cause they did& “Beat the Flock Florida*‘: the Revengers. . Ear Wes: I can’t believe Christmas lpon us! It seemsjust like yesterday was climbing through your winw. Happy Holidays, Love always? n-istopher. lventure ‘84: 4 month cyclemping tripin U.S.A. Seethesights! jprox. $2400. For more informatI write.*to Chris Walker, 3253 ynn Cr., Mississaugi,,,Ont. L5C 14. ho says,.Physics is- boring? Ask m or Cathy. Is there any truth to : rumours, do they smoke in bed? KDJ. . kbbyA(ChemEng2B): Happy2lst ,rhday & 16 days! Belatedly in ndage, Suzanne (a.k.a. Leather Dman). eatresports Workshop! On Suny, December 11, from I:30 tao8:00 n.,.with a dinner break, in H H 180. e topic will be: Building. Scenes. 1st:$%.&&far Feds, $2.50 for others. 111 ‘%.made me realize I ,wasntt as spy, As I had believed I Was, If Iy+ you could imagine the turmoil u-created, In my heart.. and mind,I I must wear a mask and I wear it II, For you will leave and I will. y1 Be careful. I car& .. 1 y Dope . .- . Hate a bkautiful timbia and a warm winter! . ..The * * ledication to Le Gang: Here’s to in saws, funch, VLOW, the ight’s of the Round Table, ises, Dining at _chez Laura’s, och (mouthwash), “blokes”;kaii at noon, We got ours last ;Irsday, “VIV”, shacking up at 54, e Hawaiians and Pinus, detours, ndles do something for me!“, tieBwlight - Merry X-mas my love! 50SL wrapped onthe24th withan lrmously elegant gold bow? - not ; yea;: How about me, wrapped in gnta Suite, nude, Flaming Love Season, Your Place. O.K. rever, Starflake. the people of 9 12 tea totallers you,’ )W who you are, Good luck on %
your exaniis and have a Merry ’ Christmas and a Happy New Year. .servlces over Christmas. 11 Love your German
.. male student wishes to share with two two femI other students (preferably ales). Large master bedroom has
Resumes 84
Maid Michele. t -
, .
~~~~lOs:;l,d,y,. . UJJL).
g:
l&-l:;!
Toronto Winter ‘84. Wanted one non-smoker, female, to share 1 bedroofi apt. Corner Eglinton & Bathurst. Rent $165/month. Call $85-32 12,
, housing -Wanted g _^Kenora: looking for a’place to st+ty and/ or roommates for a workterm in,, Kenora, Jan-April ‘84. Call Tom Fulton at 886-3606. -, Cl b
Summer 2 bedrooms in 3bedroom townhouse ayailable in Robinwood. Rent is $127 each per month..Townhouse isfullyfurnished except for beds. Phone886-4029.
May - Sept. Spacious four bed’-’ Computer, Apple II plus compatible, close to universities and 48 K memory, U/ L case, Numeric . rooms, shopping mall Rent $l50/per k/pad, $499. Also monitor; printer, disk drive, diskettes etc. Call Ed 742person. Call885-0390. 2904. Female student wanted to share large apartment with three girls. No& Two winter coats for sale. One dowmsmoker. 15 min. walk to U of W, 5 filled full length brown‘coat with fur min. to Westmount Mall. $Il3/ hood. One full length black leather. montli&cable. Phone886-2598. Both in excyllent condition. 8851835. Liz. May August. Wanted two . Hondo Acoustic Guitar. Mint condition. 6 months old. Asking $190.00. Case included. Phone 893-3 152.
t
roommates to share large furnished apartment (Waterloo. Towers, very close)$l40/month.Call7$6-1219.
’ Two single rooms available. Winter term. For quiet rion-smoking males 1 in large furnished townhouse. BlyevaleSt. N.$l40/monthinci. _’ , Shiatsu (Japanese finger pressure utilities. 886-0296. massage). For headaches, tension, backaches, stomach/.intestin,al prob-’ One responsible person to share two lemS, menstrual cramps: Student bed-room furnished- totihhouse with rates. Call C. Peck at 884-6607. one m&e. Next to univefsity on ’ Cedarbrae. $1 SO/ month 746-l 573’ SantaSuitsforRent.Authentic,cloth $25/night. Reserve Now, 742-2446 late,eveningsor8a*m. i after 5:OO. Apartment! May August ‘84. Close to downtown Kitchener. 30 -Willdo light moving with a small minute walk to U of W, 10 minutes by 1truck. Also rubbish removal. Call bike. Rent negotiable! No utilities Jeff 883-283 I. 1 paid. Furnished or not. Call 745Shiatsu(Japariese Acupressure Mas74 16. sage). - Gbve theJ p!easures. and
Se&ices
benefits
3 *
*
of’ ,shiqtsu
*
to someone
Room
available
-L Jan.
‘84 in
, special. G.ift *rtifi&tes now ,’avail-.‘I1 females, rent is’% 127.00/ month qble. P:.Henderson, : 885-0622. utilities. Female, non-smoker ’ ferred. Call 886-4029.
plus pre-
?d 1 For
*Live beside campus in ‘Married Students from May to. August ‘84. CoFpletely furnished for 2 student!. Rent $?87/month. Call Jim 884. 3179. . W&t a hassle-free winter work-term in Tpronto? Live at Ewart College, right on U of T campus at Bloar and
Rent May-August “84. 5 bedroom house, located near Eaton’s d owritown Kitchener. $636/month &~tilities.Call745~003, - ,_ Clean -luxury 3 bedroom- home to share for winter term with two other students. Partially furnished. Churchill St., 15 min. walk from campus. $150/ month plus utilities. Upper war
sibdent
nreferred
.884-7499
Aug. ‘84. Nice townhouse at 80 Churchill Street. 1 and a half II bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, -washer, One single room for female. Availdryer and carport. Suitable for four able’ Jan. - April ‘84. Close to students. 20 min. walk from campus. campus. Less than ten minutes. Call $5 15 monthly. Call 884-8786. ’ 746-1874, $150/ mbnth, utilities in- , Ottawa. Student wanted to share eluded. townhouse in Nepean. Near BNR, Graduate or Post Graduate student Northern Telecom, Mitel. Contact - non-smoker, to share townhouse. Heather ext.. 3813 or 884-8164 or Walking distance to University. For Mark, 6 1.3-8284062, January 1 T $1 SO/ month Call Berta Furnished room for Rent in Kitchen578-5540, or 884-J 0 15 after 5 p.m. . er home; Winter term. $150/ month; -Married Students, two bedrooms: I 1 non-smoker preferred. Phdne 7431 minute walk to campus! Fourth year I 3045 evenings. 894-2231 ext. 276 ing meals. Contact (Dean), 979-250 I.
5*Imprint wkhes to thank Sal1 - those who participated in this-issue (dither by our chdice\or by.yours.) * ,
walk to campus. Suitable for two female uindergrads. $165 pini. (winter), or $135 p.m. (summer) each included utilities. 884-4332 or campus e&3729. One room in two bedroom apt. in Married Students apartments. Available for Winter ‘84 term. Call 885-
campus... $265 monthly Call Dave at 749-l 966.
e&s&w
&kr
RooMmate( from January onwards to- share furnished two bedroom apartment on Erb near Westrhdu-nt. - Warm; qiendly person(s) who Lov.e(s) _ cats needed. Staff, student,\ grad or Fasser welcome. 886-2967. -. ’
;eDorts. etc. Fast. accurate work. Riason&le rates.’ IBM Selectric. Lakeshore Village. -Near Sunnydale.
spa&d page; Westmount Person required to take game 743-3342. statistics for the Varsity Hockey team. For more information contact 1 Jack Birch at- ext.. 2635 or Jim
in the Campus Centre for the position of Turnkey will be accepted from January 2nd, 1984 to January. 6th, 1984. All applications must be submitted to the Turnkey Desk by 6 p.m. on Jgnuary6th, 1984.
Ride Wsmteii!
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Dining Room &’ Patio Licensed _I For leer 2 Wine CORNER OF KING & WILLIAM ST. BESIDE THE DONUT CASTLE
One beige black& white silk scarf loit in L- 116 around Nov. 15. If found, please turn to Anne-Marie 746\ 1948. Sentimental value. Small reward.
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‘1 Texas Instruments 58C calculator. Missing since Nov. 3. Iffound, please call Jeff at 746-l 122. Reward offered. GJasses in brown vinyl case. Brown plastic rims with plastic lenses. Lost in October. Please phone Tom wiih information at 885-6476. Reward. Lost:. Woman’s Seiko Quartz’ watch with engraving. Of great sentimental value. If found, please call 746-l 248. Reward.
,1135 Victoria St. N.’ Kitchener, Ont. -N3B3CS 578-9370
.
l
area; Call j _ -_
TI 9% Calcrrlator in black case.’ Desperately s needed for exams. $$REWARD%$ Call Howard 745. : ‘ 7494 anytime.
TO Ottawa, on Sunday, December 18. Will share gas. Call Jonathan 884-4057. 0 To: Sudbury, Ontario. Desired Date: Dec. 17 (after 12 noon). Please call: Tony (884-5633). Will provide finan__ cialassistance, reward+etc. 1 For 8 a.ni; to April. Frdm KitchqvrWaterloo to Hamilton. Monday to Friday. Willing to share gas: & driving. Phone Joe576-2893.
Taste
$d:id’i”
with hydro.
Typing - $1 .OO ‘per double spaced . page. Call Tangie 744-9130 after 5 Close to Campus ( 10-l 5 min. walk); P.-&day - Friday, 9 a.m. to.1 2 l-2 bedrooms available for female noonSaturday& Sunday. student. Columbia and ’ Westmount area (but its not the Village!) for 1 Maggie Can Type It! Essays, thesis, Winter Semester. Full use of house;. letters, $1 .OO per page. Resume shared with four other female $5.00. Minimum charge $5.00. students. Call C,afol 884-0583 for “Free” pickup and delivery. Phone , more details. 743-1976. House for five is available for s&let in Summer ‘84. Thereafter the lease is yours if desired. Rent: $750/month Typing. 80~ / page I B M Selectric, & utilties. Two minute walk to carbon ribbon, grammar/ spelling Waterloo Square, Zehrs, Laundry corrections, paper provided, sym_ facilities. 20 minute walk to campus. bol/ italics available; work term Call Dave,J ohn, Duane at 743-6636. -reports, theses, essays; 579-55 13 Kitchener loCo-ops &Summer ‘84. Settle your ’ evenings. Downtown cation. \housing now. Two bedroom, new 1 “apt., in Kitchener, 15. min., bike/ 10 r T min. bus ride, quiet top floor Typing: Essays, publications etc. balcony, near all amenities. FurnishTheses, group projects, engineering/ technical/ accounting papers weled or otherwise. $419/ month income. Reasonable rates. Discounts + eludes utilities & parking. 742-2733.
Variety of salads with spinach or’ lettuce, each completely different. Stuffed veal cutlets - Fresh baked quiche Exotic foot-long hot dogs
I 24
.Couyteous accurate and reliable typing; adjacent to campus; ,8Oc/ double spaced page; bookings acceppapers, letters, etc. Anna,
may even 1eaveT.V. Quiet building...
Go&met Six Ounce Burgers Done To Your Individual
Daily to Rexdale, Ont. starting Jan. 2, to April 30. Anyone interested in sharing gas/driving, please call Jeff 744-5665.
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