the MISPRINT
NEWS BRIEFS
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 14 Vol NE
UNIVERSITY OF WATERLOO’S FINEST NEWS SOURCE
2 APRIL 2004
Same Sex Marriage Made Mandator y UW colleges convert to Scientology see TRA V OL TA TRAV OLT page Π
Pot discovered in campus greenhouse see BONG W ATER WA page 7.5C
UW ranks Maclean ’s Maclean’s see YOU DON’T KNOW JACK page sqrt(2)
WATERLOO, ON - In a surprise exclusive interview, Paul Martin revealed to Misprint that the Liberals are now requiring every Canadian to have a gay marriage. The decision also requires all current marriages to be annulled and Canadians above the age of 14 will have only three months to find a partner and marry. Martin was criticized for being too extreme, but he defended his decision, saying “it is unfair to treat people differently and we really can’t have two types of marriage. Equality is the key.” Martin further admitted that, “Liberals don’t really have any ideas of their own, we got this one from the Communist Party of Canada.” Gay marriage supporters are thrilled about the decision and many are anticipating the opportunity to quickly form loving, long-lasting relationships. So, too, are many heterosexual women. Many straight people are looking forward to an easy divorce process. Rick Smit, a local townsperson, commented, “I’ve been looking for an excuse to divorce my wife of 30 years.
Thank you Liberals!” The business community is in full support of the decision. Lionel Hutz, a lawyer who requested to remain anonymous, was heard saying, “this should boost business as couples duke it out over property rights.” The business of sex-changes is expected to boom as people are hoping to get around this new law. Keith Ledger has been heard saying “I will grow some balls in order to marry my longtime partner Richard Simmons.” Aaron Cowan, the only person with any objections to this bill, said, “And what if I don’t want to have a gay marriage?” Forget Barbie — I want Ken. Martin, who had nothing better to do than talk with Misprint while count- tion I feel may be too harsh a penalty.” ing his money, responded that, “one would be The bill will be enacted this Christmas. deported to the U.S., which upon further reflec- Fill Wiener
Co-op Building Revealed To Be Alien Mothership WATERLOO, ON - In a secret report recently published on uwmisprint.org, it has been revealed that the new co-op building, the Tatham Center, is really a spaceship. Preparing for an unforeseen event of impending doom, the building has secretly doubled as the co-op building since last December. “I always wondered about the purpose of the new co-op building,” mused Associate Provost Amit Chakma. “Needless Hell was such a useful and wonderful structure.” With all eyes suspecting the Math Building of being the one to engage in such exploits, being targeted during the Cold War for its supercomputing abilities, many students and faculty alike are reeling from the unexpected news. Countless students, however, are not surprised that the building is actually an interplanetary vehicle. “It all makes sense now,” says one co-op student. “All those glassy windows, those useless resumé drop boxes and the online system that never went online, it’s all just a show.” The whistle-blowing report clarifies the double occupations of the CECS employees. All coop coordinators have been trained in the ancient martial art of Kikali Enass, which enables them to respond in the event of a hostile takeover. “I guess that’s why my coordinator’s never in his office,” reflected another co-op student. The main control rooms are located on the second and third floors, in the “Administration” areas. Interview rooms convert to sleeping pods at the touch of a button located under the phones.
Students relieved as true purpose fo CECS building comes to light. The engine rooms of the space craft have been mapped out to be directly under the resumé drop box rooms, leading one to believe that these rooms are the fuelling stations of the vehicle. Head engineer Saul Czipek of Canada’s Space Agency combustion department confirms the logical placement of the engines. These engines have been cleverly hidden, and is the work of a sinister bunch of hooligans. Not coincidentally, the report also uncovers a new technology, developed by underground researchers of the Biotechnological Fuel Facilitation Faction. The technology takes specially formatted resumé paper and through a compli-
cated processing cycle, converts it to fuel for the ship. Specifically optimized for resumés of class “3A” or less, fuel has been stockpiling since the opening of the Tatham Center in December of 2002. Who is the mastermind behind this massive operation? Many speculate that with the recent reappointment of UW President David Johnston to the end of June 2009, that the former law professor could be the notorious leader. There have been unconfirmed reports of Johnston seen around campus muttering, “Next time, Maclean’s, next time..” - Satchmo Id
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MISPRINT
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
CROSSWORD Across
Hamilton In Hot Water Will Hamilton was deemed ineligible for presidential candidacy after it was discovered he did not meet Feds membership requirements. What do you think? “This just proves what us mathies have been saying all along: arts students just don’t count.”
Jane Romano 4A Pure Math “Kids these days have it way too easy. Back in my day, you had to take at least 15 classes a term AND walk through three feet of snow to get to school every day to be considered a student.” Al Gibbons, PhD Professor of Political Science
Harvey Sochel 2B English
“Wait a minute — I’m taking four classes this term. Does that mean I get to be president? Yes! All hail president Sochel! My first order of business will be to get skimpier outfits for the cheerleaders.”
“But now who will put the ‘H’ in ‘THC’? The thinly veiled drug references were the only thing the team had going for them!”
Lisa Monahan 3A Mechanical Engineering
Jose Wilson 3B Social Studies “First goats in the ASU and now this? Why can’t we just have an administration-picked student council that bends to our every whim like in the old days?” Arturo Carter Secretary to the President
1. Unfortunately for our VP, this was illegal for him to do this last year 2. Ms. Kerswill has a tattoo where??? 3. Our sports editor shows stamina in this field 4. Our assistant sports editor plays for this team 5. Use Dr. Micak for all these needs 6. A four letter word (if you come up with more than six, spank yourself) 7. A very naughty boy 8. A very naughty girl 9. When a very naughty boy and a very naughty girl get together 10. Why men love women 11. Why women love men 12. Why men love men 13. Why women love women 14. Why no one should love little boys 15. Culinary delight best enjoyed in bed 16. Job for a moon-lighting assistant news editor 17. Michelle’s fifth boyfriend 18. Michelle’s latest boyfriend 19. The one Imprint boy who hasn’t been Michelle’s boyfriend 20. Kinky past-time for the news editor 21. Why we love Christine 22. 90 per cent of people have had sex here 23. Really 24. We’re not lying 25. Famous Maori karmic stance 26. English majors do it with style 27. Hackers do it randomly 28. CS Majors simulate it 29. Engineers worship it only when hard and rigid 30. Historians do it for old times sake 31. Hobbits do it only if it isn’t dangerous 32. Landlords do it every month 33. Math majors do it with a pencil 34. Mechanical engineers do it automatically 35. Laurier students do it in trios 36. Physicists do it like Einstein 37. Campus Rec people do it in clubs Down
“Well, at least we know the money wasn’t going towards tuition fees.”
FRIDAY, APRIL 2, 2004
38. Feds does it by committee 39. Profs do it with class 40. The president does it with excellence 41. Some people just never let go 42. Cheapest place in town for porn 43. Classiest hooker on King Street 44. Most popular drink in residence (shh, don’t tell the Don!) 45. The Nigerian gentleman who requests your assistance 46. Only you can make it bigger if you answer this spam 47. Only you can make it smaller if you answer this spam 48. Sensitive female body 49. The other, more sensitive female body 50. Most popular condom brand at Imprint 51. Number of bondage costumes at Imprint
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Babe Kempe
MISPRINT
FRIDAY, APRIL 2, 2004
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LOCAL NEWS
Actual Bombshelter Found In Local Pub STUDENT LIFE CENTRE - A spring cleaning has revealed that the Bombshelter was once more than just a name. Bomber manager Mark Thususka said that it came as a surprise to him, “I had asked [waitress] Katie [Smith] to clean out the cupboards next to my office and she discovered this door.” The door in question was a large hazmat door constructed of 12-inch thick blastproof metal. No explorations have proceeded beyond that pending Plant Ops approval. UW Plant Ops must be contacted before any alterations are made to any campus property. “It would appear that the door has been sealed shut,” said Mark, “I guess nobody’s worried about nukes anymore. We’d love to get in there and look around so we put in a request to Plant Ops in January and we’re still waiting.” Plants Ops says that they weren’t surprised about the discovery. “Of course it was a bomb shelter,” said UW architect Dan Parent, “why do you think that you can reach the SLC from any where on campus in less than 10 minutes? When UW built the shelter in 1958, NORAD said that they would give us 15 minute’s warning before any nuclear attack.” A search of the UW archives found the document entitled, “Bombing our Waterloo: protecting our brains from the Reds.” The disaster management plan details a large underground structure between the Biology building and the SLC capable of holding 10,000 staff, professors and UW students. If an attack were imminent, anyone on the UW campus would be rushed to the safety of the shelter. Other artifacts that would be speedily transported there include the triumvirate of mascots: the engineers’ Tool, the artsie’s Porcellino and later the math Pink tie. “The purpose is to preserve the most brilliant minds of a generation from obliteration at the
A search of the UW archives found the document entitled, “Bombing our W ater Water ater-loo: P Prr otecting our Brains from the Reds” hands of the communist regime that would have us driving tractors and wearing blue overalls.” Plant Ops estimates that it might be able to unseal the door within the next year. - Niles Montmorency
Hamilton, money and dark clouds: they go hand-in-hand.
Dark Cloud Hangs Over Hamilton HAMILONT, ON - A large dark cloud has been hanging over the city of Hamilton since last Thursday. “I mean, Hamilton used to be smoggy, but this is ridiculous. Instead of the usual dark cloud of smog hanging over Hamilton, now there’s this, well, really, really dark cloud,” said Tom Andreys, a local Hamilton business owner. Hamilton fire chief Rick Smite commented on the ominous cloud.
“Yup. Sure is a dark cloud. Big one, too. Wonder where it came from? Hmmm. Hope there wasn’t a fire anywhere. We’d have to put that one right to bed.” The provincial government has pledged to give Hamilton a subsidy to rid themselves of this ominous cloud. When asked what Hamilton would do with the money, mayor Barry LiDanni said, “A goat. We’re buying a goat.” - Drew Stilts
“Unionizing not only taught us about solidarity but it taught us how to spell, too!”.
Admin V otes T o Unionize Votes To
WATERLOO, ON - In a stunning announcement earlier this week, David Johnston revealed that university administrators have voted unanimously to unionize. “Between the Federation of Students, the Graduate Students Association and the Faculty Association, we were feeling picked on,” he said immediately following the public announcement. The administration will be represented by the Canadian Autoworkers Union. Newly unionized members include the president, the vice-president, the provost and the anyone else who is interested. The announcement was made with much fanfare, and a catered lunch, in front of an audience of alumni and invited guests. Guests also got to see a 15-minute video extolling the virtues of a unionized administration. “At the end of the day, this is about encouraging excellence in education,” said Johnston.
“We feel that when we can go head-to-head with these other groups on campus, we will be able to gain concessions that will help the administration achieve its goal of creating the best environment on campus for us. Obviously, if we’re not here, there is no excellence on campus for anyone else to enjoy.” The Board of Governors voted unanimously to allow the administrators to unionize. Chairman Bob Harding said, “This is not just another seat-of-the-pants pipe dream that the administration has cooked up. They know what they’re doing and what they’re doing is best of UW.” Chancellor Mike Lazaridis was also on hand for the announcement. “This sends a message to students that even when you make it to the top, you can still unionize to get what you want.” - Nigel Moogalagook
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MISPRINT
FRIDAY, APRIL 2, 2004
INTERNATIONAL
Bush Apologizes For Iraq Fiasco WASHINGTON, DC - “Sorry guys, our bad.” In a stunning move this morning, President George W. Bush apologized for invading Iraq. In his statement, made to a packed press room at the Whitehouse, President Bush explained that there was in fact never any evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq and that the mistake had been made when he was eating a pudding pop in the war room and accidentally spilled a spoonful of the stuff on a topographical map of the Middle East. “Butterscotch actually looks a lot like a chemical weapons plant,” said Bush, “and it is tasty. Very, very tasty. In fact, I want some now. Dammit, Colin, where the hell is my pudding?!” President Bush then became very whiny and had to be put down for his nap. Shortly after the announcement, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was released from prison, where he had been held since his capture late in 2003. In a recorded statement, Hussein said he looks forward to getting back to torturing, pillaging, and squander-
ing his country’s fortune on seminaked pictures of unshaven Russian pop stars. Hussein also said that, though he did at one time consider retaliation against the United States, he is willing to call it even if he can have a copy of the Paris Hilton sex tape. British Prime Minister Tony Blair, one of the only major supporters of the American-led invasion, was not available for comment, as he was too busy having Dick Cheney fit him for an electric dog collar. Blair’s press secretary, however, said that England remained committed in its support of the United States and its war on . . . whomever, even if it meant bombing the shit out of Scotland. And especially if it meant bombing the shit out of France. Bush’s announcement comes in the midst of a tense re-election campaign, prompting some pundits to speculate that it was a publicity stunt meant to boost his sagging approval ratings. In a follow-up interview with Misprint, Bush denied this to be the case,
Hmmm, not such a great idea after all. saying “that’s predicurous.” When reminded that “predicurous” is not a word, Bush responded by announcing a full-scale invasion of Puerto Rico. When reminded that Puerto Rico is a U.S. protectorate, Bush responded by demanding the pudding that Misprint promised him in exchange for the in-
terview, saying “gimme my puddin’, you fucking terrorist.” Upon learning that the Misprint reporter did not in fact have any pudding, Bush promptly had her killed. Sorry Trish, we’ll miss you. Way to take one for the team, though. - Hoosier Daddi and Wadduz Heedo
SOMEWHAT INTERNATIONAL
Former Ground Zero Space To Be Used For Nuclear Weapons Facility STUDENT LIFE CENTRE - The space formerly occupied by Ground Zero will house the Mahatma Ghandi Top Secret Nuclear Weapons facility, according to UW head of administration David Johnston. Johnston, who recently changed his official title to Grand High Emperor of the Universe after usurping his eigth term as UW’s top administrator, announced the decision at the Student Life Centre this morning to an assembled crowd of staff and students. “Sure, we’ll get the shit bombed out of us,” said Grand High Emperor of the Universe Johnston, “but think of our Maclean’s rating! We’ll be the only school in the country in the ‘nuclear weapons facility’ category!” Many in the crowd had questions about the facility, and voiced concerns about the universitys’ plans for testing the nuclear weapons. Emperor Johnston responded by outlining UW’s test program, which mainly consists of dropping bombs on the Arts quad. “Those kids aren’t going to have jobs when they graduate anyway,” said Johnston. “We’ll just be saving them the trouble of studying.” Several people also asked about the disposal of nuclear waste, which Johnston explained will be buried under the Engineering section. Johnston justified the decision, saying, “it’s okay—if the engineers mutate, nobody’ll notice.”
Despite the administration’s assurances, many students still protested against the planned facility, participating in marches across campus. “It’s not that I mind that the facility is being built,” said ERS student Carla Spitz, “but once the bars got reopened, there wasn’t much to protest against. This fiasco came just in time. I almost had to get a job. It was horrible.” Predictably, the United States was quick to react to UW’s proposal. President Bush, who was unable to produce convincing proof that Canada was developing nuclear weapons despite UW’s recent publicity blitz about the Top Secret facility, responded by announcing a full-scale invasion of New Mexico. When an aide reminded him that New Mexico is already part of the United States, Bush responded by laughing and saying, “no, son, I said New Mexico.” Emperor Johnston closed this morning’s press conference by announcing that Microsoft has agreed to fund the project. The original sponsorship agreement saw Microsoft providing $3.2 million in exchange for 46 Laurier virgins. Unable to find 46 virgins at Laurier, however, Microsoft settled for all three UW whores. Construction on the Mahatma Ghandi Top Secret Nuclear Weapons facility begins November 2004. - Boxman
The U.S. continues to look for the site of UW’s new nuclear weapons facility facility..
Israeli - P alesPalestinian Red Rover Match Ends in Draw UNIVERSITY STADIUM - Hundreds of enthused onlookers clamored into University Stadium last weekend as team UW Palestine and team UW Israel battled it out in the twelfth annual Religiously-Affiliated Quasi-NonViolent Campus-Wide Red Rover tournament. After an enthralling seven hours of play, the hard-nosed matchup was halted due to an inexplicable storm that flooded the field. The muchanticipated final was called a draw, as neither team was declared the winner. The game began in a tumultuous manner when Seamus O’Brien, the referee who had been assigned to the match, staged a striking protest outside the stadium. “I’m a good Catholic boy who lived through the NRA,” said O’Brien of his upbringing in Belfast, Northern Ireland. “And even I’m not crazy enough to get in the middle of this one.” However, despite the lack of onfield officials, the game went on as planned. It seemed as though the Israeli team’s celebrated pre-game meal of bagels and blintzes had an adverse effect on the team initially, as they came out of the gate struggling, losing three members in the first four call-overs. Team Palestine was quick to boast about their lighter preparation that involved their traditional falafels and hummus, but the heavy stomachs of team Israel only lasted a few moments. The Israelis turned momentum back on their side when strongman Herschel Goldstein leveled Palestinian speedster Haidar Yassin with a massive forearm that put the fleet-footed Arab on his back. The game’s flow went back and forth, with Yassin eventually making up for his earlier miscue with three straight breakthroughs. The teams were still equally matched at 14 players apiece when it started to rain. Within minutes, the field had been engulfed in as much as 14-18 inches of water in parts. The game was called a draw. The field conditions before the rains were far from perfect anyway, as both teams are still recovering from injuries suffered on the hard and unforgiving artificial turf. However the playing surface was the force behind one of the match’s most memorable moments. When team Palestine stopper Amin Habash flipped Israel’s Michael “Bubbula” Hartsberg in a spectacular collision, Hartsberg got up and inspected a turf-burn injury on his left leg. As he examined his bloodied kneecap, Habash apologized for “taking a Gaza strip” out of the Israeli’s leg. Unbelievably, this is the seventh match-up between the two clubs that has ended in a draw, all being postponed due to unnatural occurrences (such as the match last year which was halted due to inexplicable lightning). Both teams say they are prepared for yet another rematch, as this thick-skinned series shows no signs of stopping. - Adam’s McRib
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MISPRINT
FRIDAY, APRIL 2, 2004
ON CAMPUS
V1 Ser ving Generic Meat Paste to residents WATERLOO, ON - Documented internal communications between directors at the University of Waterloo’s department of Food Services has revealed that the Village One cafeteria has been serving students generic meat paste for over a decade. An anonymous envelope delivered to the Misprint office last week contained preparation procedures and memos concerning Mudie’s menu items. The preparation is described mainly as a feces recycling process. Different levels of stiffness, elasticity, and flavour are achieved by varying the amounts of excrement from the animal of the imitated meat. All ingredients are bleached for “sanitation reasons” and ease of “delivery and packaging” — colouring the paste as chicken, beef, pork or fish for consumption. The sponge-like texture of the chicken is accounted for by the grease-paste that binds the miscellaneous ingredients together. In a memo dated January 2004, suggestions for better imitation of real meat included the addition of mummified cats to the paste, along with small amounts of kittens.
Though neither confirming nor denying the discovery, Food Services issued a statement that “Village One Mudie’s serves what is appropriate for university students.” Inquiries regarding the basic ingredients of the meat paste were not addressed directly, rather the previous comment was reissued. Further analysis revealed that leftover copies of Imprint and mathNEWS were part of the paste as well. Perhaps explaining the proximity of the kitchen to the laundry room, remnants of lingerie and socks are also present. Student responses ranged from mild surprise at the discovery to explosive vomiting. One Village One resident claimed, “I knew they were dirt cheap but, honestly, meat paste!? I thought the stuff tasted funky because they pre-boiled everything!” Retching, another student said, “Oh, so that explains why the cow-manure smell around the university disappears by lunch.” In an unrelated e-mail to the Misprint, Village One has announced it will be switching over to “completely post-organic foods” with all its menu offerings. - Case Hoards
Maxing Out Distance Education NEEDLESS HELL - Following a growing trend of global post-secondary education, the University of Waterloo has announced the next locations for its satellite campuses: China, India, and the Bahamas. Each campus would effectively be a separate campus, but there would be reciprocity between the various campuses. Students graduating from these new campuses would receive a degree exactly identical to that received by students who attended classes on the main Waterloo campus. “At our campus in China the students will graduate with University of Waterloo degrees of the same quality and standard as students graduating from Waterloo,” says Vice-President University Relations Laura Talbot-Allan, who is spearheading this initiative. “The only difference will be rather than bringing international students here, we will be teaching them there. We will no longer have to worry about visas, permits or culture shock issues.” By staking a claim in China and India, TalbotAllan says that the university will be “taken seriously” when it comes to establishing links in the country for business and research. China and India will be an important market for higher education, given their large populations. UW is seeking to gain an early foothold. But why the Bahamas? “We were at a teambuilding brain-storming visioning workshop and we said, ‘why not?’ We could relocate the entire administration there at little cost to the university.” Students were initially skeptical about the idea, but warmed to it. “Shotgun on a residence room in the Bahamas!” said first-year science student Thompson Jensen. “Beach parties… woo-hoo!” WPIRG immediately announced that it would launch chapters at the new campuses. “We need to provide an outlet for social justice wherever students are,” said coordinator Daryl Novak. “China will be particularly exciting.” Not to be outdone, Wilfrid Laurier University announced that it has secured the rights for
three international campuses: Iraq, Afghanistan and the Falkland Islands. WLU President Bob Rosehart said that WLU was not to be outdone. “With our three major programs, music, theology and war, we feel that we will be able to make inroads in those countries, provided our students aren’t shot.”
“Shotgun on a residence room in the Bahamas! - Thomson Jensen, first year student
Conestoga College has been rapidly gobbling up land to provide for its campus expansion program. President Bob Tibbets would neither confirm nor deny that the college was now a majority landowner in three sub-Saharan countries. “The market is hot, space is at a premium and the student population will always increase. We will need to put them somewhere.” - Sul-Mo “Kaeing” Solo
BAR FILES
Mathies Outraged By GovernmentMandated Curriculum Additions WATERLOO, ON - Due to a new federal study conducted last spring that projected a low percentage of nerds and mathies in future populations, the Board of Governors at UW have passed a few new curriculum changes. Students in the math, engineering, and computer science faculties are now required to take social development courses including Identifying Girls 101, Bathing 102, Social Skills 253, Virginity and You 354, and Picking Up Seminar 413. The government hopes that with these changes, the socially inept geeks will be able to mate and ensure that the mathie/nerd gene is passed on to future generations. Many students are furious with the board of governors’ decision. Much of the opposition is coming from fourth year CS students. “I’m too busy with CS 452. This real-time programming stuff is crazy hard so I have no time to even think about girls,” said Gill Patterson. Even more students from the Physics department are questioning the validity of the new courses. “What are these ‘girl’ things that the course descriptions are talking about? I’ve certainly never seen one,” said Frank Duthrie, a third year physics student.
The gover nment government hopes that the mathie/nerd gene will be passed on to future generations. Some students that have been desperate for dates their entire life welcome the new curriculum. “I like the new courses,” said Ernie Garblaith, a third year engineering student. “The course I’m taking now teaches us to take the skills we’ve learned from all the dating sims we play and apply them to real life!” Allen George, UW’s dean of math, also welcomes the changes. “I worry that some of these nerds are beyond the help of any social reform. Hopefully these curriculum changes will save future generations from being overrun with artsies.” — Margely Gargely
Martha Stewart T o T each First To Teach Year Ethics Class At UW With the recent publication of her own version of the CICA (Canadian Institute of Chartered Accountants) handbook and the success that it has generated among all accountants around the world, Martha Stewart’s newest accomplishment has been the offer and acceptance of a teaching position here at the University of Waterloo by the School of Accountancy. Originally planned to teach the upper year ethics courses to aspiring accountants, Stewart has voluntarily decided to teach instead the incoming class of first-year students in AFM 131, an introductory course to ethics and business management. The lucky 800 or so first-year students will get a taste of Martha’s impeccable teaching style which includes her dynamic lectures filled with lots of intriguing information about her experiences in the business world. The School of Accountancy is also allowing Stewart to revamp the current course outline for AFM 131. She intends to put a heavy emphasis on stock trading and will be teaching students her infamous methods of pulling off trading from the inside [of jail]. She will be conducting the distance education course through the Penitentiary for Federal Offenders in Walawala, ON. Inside, the prison is
equipped with the highest computer technology including web cameras and state-of-the-art microphones so that each student enrolled into AFM 131will watch and listen to Stewart as she delivers her lectures from within the prison cell. Midterms and final exams will be created by Stewart herself on the finest rice paper and will be written by all students under her supervision. She will be let out on two occasions to proctor the examinations to answer any questions that students may have regarding the exams, on what the prison calls, “release for examination proctoring days.” She will also carry office/visitation hours for those students wishing to speak to her regarding extra help. She hopes that she will get many visitors because in a statement made last week on the 32nd of March, she indicated, “I’m lonely inside this jail and that’s not a good thing.” For registration into AFM 131, log onto the university’s Quest Web site and sign up as soon as possible. Registration ends when all spots are filled and forty more after that. Sign up quickly. The first twelve and a half people to register receive a free copy of Stewart’s version of the CICA handbook. - Smarty Lave
Ian Blechtersenterssershmidt
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MISPRINT
Gods Duke It Out In Sur vivor Sequel Survivor LAHORE - Excitement is building as the world awaits the grand finale of the Survivor franchise: Survivor - Religions of the World. For the past 12 weeks, the television world has been treated to the novel concept of inter-faith rivalries beamed into their homes nightly. CBS executive Richard Mahoney is credited with the idea and the legwork that brought it to fruition. “I got so tired of all these sad stories from the Middle East, Kashmir and Northern Ireland, that I just wanted to find a way to solve all of these religious conflicts,” said the young producer. “And in all honesty our fall line-up was looking a little weak; it was either this or Fear Factor: Michael Jackson’s House.” After deciding on the concept, CBS employees fanned out across the world (both living and dead) seeking out all messiahs, prophets, disciples and deities with a simple challenge: Be the last one standing, and everyone in the world will be forced to convert to your faith. The response to the invitation was overwhelming, but some gods proved harder to locate than others. “You can’t just write Mount Olympus on an envelope and expect it to get to a Greek god, plus our e-mail messages to the Abyss kept bouncing back,” lamented Mahoney. While still in the planning stage, the show was almost undone several times by persistent squabbling over contracts. “You should have seen the cash advance that Buddha wanted. Geez, for a guy who preaches against materialism he can sure haggle over endorsement deals,” said an anonymous source. Also tricky were the negotiations to determine just which Hindu deities would compete in the tournament. “I had to sort through three million damn applications! It was almost as bad as hiring a co-op student,” said a harried negotiator. However, this proved to be an unexpected bonus, as the matter was solved by the unexpected, and highly successful, spin-off series, Indian Idol. “Sorry Ganesh,” said co-winners Siva and Vishnu. “Survivor is for the big boys.” But once the show began, the memories of contract squabble faded fast as teams Monotheism and Paganism matched up in an epic series of challenges and tests. Among the many surprises of the competition was the death of long-time host Jeff Probst. Zeus flung a lightning bolt at the often-condescending Probst after he mocked the god’s inability to construct a proper shelter for his team. The Monotheism camp was constantly wracked by bickering and inter-team conflict over challenge strategy. Noah and Moses al-
most came to blows over how best to move their team during the ‘island-hop’ contest. “I couldn’t stand that guy,” said Moses. “I mean it was his crappy Ark design that left the unicorns and dinosaurs stuck on the beach, and he just wanted to build the whole thing over again!” Tensions were raised considerably when the teams were merged and the survivors began to increasingly plot against one-another at tribal council. “I couldn’t believe that Judas would stab me in the back like that,” said an exasperated Vishnu, after the disciple cast the decisive vote to send him off the island. “He said we had a deal.” All along, CBS had been hoping for a dramatic showdown for the final episode, and their wish was grated last week when Prometheus, ironically enough, fell into the campfire and was forced to withdraw from the competition, thus guaranteeing a Jesus vs. Mohammed finale tonight.
“Our fall line-up was looking a little weak; it was either this or Fear F actor: Michael Factor: Jackson ’s House.” Jackson’s
HOLLYWOOD
Across the globe Bibles, Korans and Talmuds are lying unread as six billion people tune in to see who they’ll be praying to tomorrow morning. Hog farmers are especially nervous, while fishermen hope that a Jesus victory will help them survive current economic difficulties. Sources in Las Vegas report that over $500 billion has been wagered on the outcome. “We’re running a close second to the Super Bowl in terms of public interest,” said a prominent bookie. Regardless of whether billions of people will end up trying to figure out either which direction to pray or what to give up for Lent, Survivor - Religions of the World has been a tremendous hit for CBS and the follow-up programs are already in the works. “We’re thinking maybe Who wants to Marry a Prophet? Or having the runner-up help select the next disciple with the Donald,” Mahoney said. “Nothing is sacred anymore, it’s great!” — Christopher Greedy
CONTEST
Have Sex And Win A P rize Prize
10th floor of DP
Turnkey Desk
By the T-Rex
PAC Basement
Under the Midnight Sun Under the President’s desk
The first couple to have intimate relations in these locations and provide photographic evidence will receive an inflatable David Johnston doll — complete with lifelike orifices!
FRIDAY, APRIL 2, 2004
ARTS IN BRIEF
Former W arhol Star Warhol Arrested
Can’t keep a brotha down
NEVERLAND, CA - Liza Minelli was arrested after being mistaken for pop icon Michael Jackson yesterday. Once the mistake was cleared up, the charges against Minelli were reduced from three counts of molesting children to three counts of merely frightening them.
HOLLYWOOD - Justin Timberlake lashed out at the media last week over the attention given to his and Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl performance, saying “they just tryin’ ta keep a brotha down.” Several minutes later, however, Timberlake announced his retirement from show business after his publicist informed him that he isn’t black.
Ron Jeremy Named Maxim ’s Man of the Y ear Reality TV worth dying Maxim’s Year HOLLYWOOD - Maxim magazine voted Ron Jeremy “Man of the Year” for the fourth from consecutive year, saying “it was the only way we could get the ugly bastard to keep it in his pants.”
Shark Attack Claims Two Hollywood Heroes MALIBU, CA - Henry Winkler died yesterday after being attacked by sharks while water-skiing off the coast of California. Ron Howard later died of sheer irony.
HOLLYWOOD - Several animal rights groups launched a class action lawsuit against the producers of a popular reality-television series after several goldfish were killed as part of a televised stunt. The suit was later withdrawn when it was revealed that the fish actually killed themselves so they wouldn’t have to appear on another stupid goddamn reality TV show.
Bullard - meh, why Britney Spears An- bother? TORONTO, ON - Canadian late-night standnounces New T our Dates ard Mike Bullard is off the air only four months Tour THE VALLEY, CA - Britney Spears has announced that her upcoming tour would be called the “Look at me, I’m a Whore” tour. A publicist for Ms. Spears said “It’s funny because she’s a whore.”
after the Mike Bullard show moved from CTV to Global Television. In a press conference, Bullard responded to the cancellation saying something that really isn’t clever enough to bother printing.
JUST FOR FUN Your Horoscope
By David L. Johnston University of W aterloo P resident and Waterloo President A.A.P .B.Certified Astrologer A.A.P.B..B.-Certified Aries: (March 21 — April 19) Although the saying “all that glitters is not gold” is false in this case, I bet your Grandpa would still like his false teeth back.
Libra: (Sept. 23 — Oct. 23) You will find true love this week, but I bet that you didn’t expect to find it in spreadable cheese form.
Taurus: (April 20 — May 20) The stars are not looking fondly upon you this week. However, they seldom look fondly upon someone who would do that to his brother’s dog — twice.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24 — Nov. 21) You may be handsome, but unfortunately looks aren’t the first thing the judges in the tri-county’s first-ever roller-jousting derby and fish fry are looking for.
Gemini: (May 21 — June 21) You will receive sound advice this week from an unexpected visitor. But then again, nobody really expects their bathroom to be the location of the second coming of Christ.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 — Dec. 21) You’ve always had a gift for public speaking, but the flesh-eating mutants you accidentally created in your secret basement lab just aren’t hearing it.
Cancer: (June 22 — July 22) Rumours about your love life will fly around the office this week, which will make you wish that Thompson would quit turning those love letters you keep sending him into paper airplanes.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22 — Jan. 19) It’s a good rule of thumb to always keep your options open, but when your options are a jar of decade-old mayonnaise and your last stool sample, it might be best to put the lid back on.
Leo: (July 23 — Aug. 22) You’ll never be able to beat your sister in the annual Zmucker family belching contest, so quit practising on the bus, will ya?
Aquarius: (Jan. 20 — Feb. 18) It’s never a good idea to eat that many pickled eggs, even if the stars will tease you mercilessly about not being able to finish for the next few years.
Virgo: (Aug. 23 — Sept. 22) You’ll finally get your new business off the ground, but find that surprisingly few people are willing to pay money for your group of “elite intoxicated clowns.”
Pisces: (Feb. 19 — March 20) You never thought you’d say it, but you’re beginning to realize that maybe it was a good idea to stop making Brady Bunch movies after A Very Brady Sequel.
7
MISPRINT
SCIENCE
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
13th Planet F ound, Believed Found, To Be Bad Luck DENMARK - Danish astronomer has found what appears to be the thirteenth planet, orbiting just outside the orbit of the earth. The planet is nicknamed “Junior” because of its small size compared to that of the earth. The new planet has a diameter of approximately 3500 km, or 27 per cent of that of the earth. Many religious groups claim that the discovery of this planet has been foretold by various sacred texts for millenia. Simon Gunther, a Christian theologian, claims that the book of Revelation foretold this discovery. “In the book of Revelation,” he begins, “we
find a tale of destruction; a calamity from the sky.” He continues to describe the calamity by saying, “at the center of that calamity, will be Sephiroth. Wait, that’s Final Fantasy VII. Never mind.” An Italian school boy quickly realized that the commotion was all for naught. The object that had been discovered was in fact, just the moon. The moon was unavailable for comment. The Italian school boy cast Holy, just to be safe. - Linus Damascus
UW Math Professor Makes New Discovery: Pi Ends! Historical mathematical concept ends with “Q,” professor discovers COMFY LOUNGE - A UW math professor has made a breakthrough discovery this week while prepping questions for an upcoming exam. Professor Andre Robert has discovered that the mathematical concept known as Pi — that which starts with 3 and continues seemingly infinitely — actually does have an ending. “I’m just in shock,” said professor Robert. “Ever since the concept of pi emerged in 2000 B.C., mathematicians the world over have been revolutionizing and relating the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter, and I have made all their hard work redundant in just one afternoon. And frankly, as exciting as it is, it has really messed up my exam preparations. The nerve.” UW math and engineering students are equally stunned to learn the truth about the ending of pi, which will soon be revealed to the rest of the world. “This is unbelievable,” said third year algebra student Greg Blaum. “It’s the talk of the entire Comfy Lounge. None of us will ever draw circles quite the same way ever again.”
“It turns out that this hussy of a concept has been hiding a secret ending from us.” — Alan George dean of math Adding to the bewilderment of Robert and the UW math/engineering student body is the fact that pi, once thought to consist only of numbers, mysteriously ends with the letter “Q.” “Why a ‘Q’?” rhetorically asked fourth year trigonometry student Chance Voss. “I could understand an ‘R,’ since Pi is a ratio, or a ‘C,’ since it’s a computation, but a ‘Q’ just doesn’t make sense. What could it possibly stand for? Quail eggs? Those are round. Yeah, that must be it. Quail eggs. I’m copyrighting that, so don’t publish that without my name, you lousy newspaper journalist, or I’ll cut you.” Voss is not the only UW student delving further into the mystery of what the “Q” might stand for. Angela Brickard, a fourth year mathie one term away from graduation, has vowed
ard. o
FRIDAY, APRIL 2, 2004
“The Pi symbol is now nothing more than a table with wobbly legs.” — Freddy Narbo engineering student
that, “I will not leave UW until I have been in the front lines discovering what that ‘Q’ means. The workforce can wait — some things are more important, like being a part of history.” But others at UW are very disturbed by the news, and feel that the discovery has cost pi its mystique. “Pi is worthless to me now,” said Freddy Narbo, a second year engineering student. “The Pi symbol is now nothing more than a table with wobbly legs.” Perhaps the biggest blow to UW math students will be the discontinuing of pi day, the annual day devoted to the equation which involved the handing out of free pie in the MC building. Alan George, dean of math, does not feel that it would be fair to continue with the tradition in light of the deceit the Pi/pie double entendre now represents. “We all feel so violated,” said George. “All these years we’ve been celebrating the uniqueness of Pi, the way it tantalized us by going on, forever and ever. But now it turns out that this hussy of a mathematical concept has been hiding a secret ending from us — and it’s a letter to boot! Good Lord, is nothing sacred?” This year’s Pi day was already held on March 14, but discussions between the math faculty and the student union began yesterday to reach an agreement as to what to serve, if anything, on future Pi days. Daryl Novak of WPIRG reasoned that pie is still a very reputable snack food and should not be unfairly associated with “the bastard pi code,” but George and company remained stern that the damage has already been done and pie is permanently out of the question. The meeting was brought to a close 40 minutes later by a visibly ticked off Larry Smith, who hoisted himself onto the desk and yelled “Jesus f***ing Christ, let’s just serve some motherf***ing ice cream!” - Drof Tarts Kram
Don’t forget to fill this space before press time!
- Misprint Ed.
Enough With The Talk To the Misprint Editor, Recently, I’ve heard that a lot of discussion groups are popping up on campus, trying to approach the Israeli-Palestinian debate from a peaceful approach. Can you imagine that? A peaceful approach. I, for one, am sickened and disgusted at these diaper-wearing, Gandhian do-gooders. I pay thousands of dollars for my education, dammit, and if I can’t get a real-world education like those students at Concordia, then what’s the point? I mean, c’mon, if I can’t say that I took a shard of glass in the face during a mid-finals window-smashing protest, or talk about how I got pepper-sprayed on my way to class by riot cops, then can I say that I really learned anything? I think not. I think it’s time to bring the violence back. The Feds should be funding bricks and bats, not speakers. - Ahlof Violens 2A Peace and Conflict Studies
Journalistic Integrity? To the Misprint editor, I am writing to complain about the lack of bias in the pages of Imprint and its sister paper, the Misprint. Perhaps Imprint has been operating on the basis of clearly out-of-date principles of journalistic credibility, like “public enlightenment,”
“fair and comprehensive accounts of events,” or “professional integrity.” It’s time that Imprint wakes up and joins the twenty-first century. It’s already the year 2004 — kind of like Orwell’s 1984, but with twenty years more experience. It’s time to take sides, Imprint. It’s time to stop being objective. Let’s get on with it, already. After all, if the Conservative Party of Canada can convince an entire newspaper, The National Post, to be a soapbox for the party, then surely other papers can take sides as well. - Winston London 3B Political Science
We’re Sory, So Sory To the Misprint Editor, We’re sory for always makeing fun of you. We didn’t mean to prompt te Wall Street-style corporate takeovr that yer sister papr, Imprint, is currently undertaking. Please let us kepe our pro-Snuggles, pro-pi biass! Please let us kep our xcellent speling and proofreads! It won’t happn again! We lik you lots! - The mathNEWS Editorial team
I Really Like Fish To the Misprint Editor, I really like fish. I just wanted to share that with you. - Anne Spanz 4B English