UNIVERSITY OF WALTEROO STUDENT NEWSPAPER
APRIL 1, 2005
VOL 27, NO 1
IMPRINT. UWATERLOO.CA
Iron. Ring Faction steals The Tool Diana Efferential TOKEN NEWS EDITOR
The theftofTheToolhas created a deep rift"between the two engineering societies on campus. Once ftiendlyorganizations, members of the Iron Ring Faction (IRF) and The Tool Society now view each other with caution and disgust as they pass each other in the halls. " ToolSoc blames IRF for The Tool's disappearance. Afispril1t caught ,'lind of the ongoing conflict when photos and ransom demands from the toolnappers
were obtained. The thieves had a number of demands: "Deposit 4824's of Alexander Keith's India Pale Ale outside of the Bomber in the SLC. Open each case and remove one bottle. Using the 48 bottles align them to read 'THE RING DYES,'" and "Spray paint the words 'J\:IY PRECIOUS' on the doors of your pub, Poets." The toolnappers had grim words for ToolSoc should their demands not be met: "Ifyou do not meet each of our demands to our satisfaction, your precious Tool "will be auctioned off to the highest bid-"
der from schools across North America. Ifyou attempt to contact any authorities or to recoverThe Tool yourselves, we will make sure itis never seen
again." Formerly the Engineering Society, the two organizations'split when a series of unfortunate events culminatedin a violent fight over a can of] olt cola and they were no longer able to coexist. The Iroh Ring Faction has since dedicated itself to the sole worship of the Ring, and the promotion of their mandate: ''By serving the Ring through each thought, word and deed, and by chanting of its Holy Names, we c~ develop Ring-consciousness." Devoted to the promotion and' idolization of their rigid insttument, The Tool Society, headed by Latim Kattani, initially denied all allegations that their mascot had been stolen. "It's inconceivable! I can guarantee you that
. it t\iI!tn"lFHiN'<1i''''Wilri'j~'' ""+l'i?lilli·4f~'i..p;·'mljqj!%·:% president Ifor the past six months]. for alII know, it could be a picture that ,vas taken a few years ago, and it's surfaced again as a big prank After you called me this afternoon, I verified that the precious, The T ootis secured at out secretlocation. \X'e keep a l'e~yclose eye on the whereabouts ofThe Tool at all times, and there are only a select few thatknowwhereit's kept," said Kattani. The ToolSociety later conceded their beloved idol had been pilfered, when pictures (see photo on left) surfaced proving the legitimacy of the thieves' claims. Blame has been liberally applied to the rival IRE ''Those infidels! They have been jealous of our big, big Tool and all its rigidity since the Engineering Society split! They're just compensating for what t:l:iey don't have," . said an angered ToolSoc member. In response, IRF has <knied all re-
r fessor Ramirez de la Puerta PEOPLE HATER
After the Easter long weekend, Bomber staff found a not-so-wonderful surprise when they went to clean the washroom. Early Monday moming Mohammed Elsamrywas found noticeably drunk (and half dressed) in the women's, washroom of the Bombshelter Pub.1\v{) girls, who werelateridentificdasfirst-yearpeaceand conflict study students, were with the engineeringprofessor. Elsamry hadvomit caked in his beard and had no recollection of how he got there. Sunday night marked the Bomber's big "Easter Eggstravaganza" \vherehundreds ofuniversity students got together and drank to the anniversary of the death
sponsibility for ·the Tool's disappearance. "It's not our fault that you are so disorganized that you can't handle such a liiginstrument. We are united, and thus superior. 'We have the one Ring to rule us all, the one Ring to bring us all together andin darkness bind us ... ahem ... " said IRF chieftanRiCk Nawler. Apprehensions are abounding within ToolSoc's ranks over the missingwrench. This is not the first time that it has been stolen and many are worried about its fate. ''The last time this happened, it was returned in a 45-gallon
drum of concrete with the letters "U ofT" engraved on it!" said upset arid harried-looking ToolSoc member. "Can you ~gine what other schools would' do to it? Oh, the horrorl" As of yet, the case has not been solved as no concrete evidence has been found. There were however reports of <;hanting being heard on the night ofThc Tool's theft. Something to the tune of''\X'ho steals Engineering's Tool? \,{1ho thinks the Mobius strip is cool? We do! We do!"
an
lsamry found drunk in Born shelter u of the Easter Bunny. Elsamry was alleged to be incredibly intoxicated, standing on tables and singing "For he's a jolly good rabbit" in a rich baritone. According to other students who were at the bat that night, Elsamry wandered atound the bat challenging every student he could find to go shot-for-shot with him, claiming "everyone is a target. Even designated drivers are targets because they are here in the bar." Elsamry later took back the statement, saying only those drivers who had drank in the past were targets. Elsamry is the head of the Canadianlslandic Congress ofCanada and is considered theirofficial spokesman ,at all times. Therefore, the Canadian
Islandic Congress of Canada officially said it could take :Michael Coren in a
fight. Noinformationwas availab~eatpress time as to why Elsamry was found in the women's washroom and not the men's. One Bomberpatton speculated that it was because "Elsamry is a huge douche and that's where douches go." This, however, is just speculation. The patton could prove neither thatElsamry was a douche nor that douches go to the ,vomen's ,vashroom at night. The controversy surrounding Elsamry tended, however, to overshadow the fact that a drunken patton was left m;emightin the Bomber. Misprint asked Bomber manager Sargeant T. hmv something like this could hap-
pen. His reply was, ',\'{Te tried repeatedly to remm~e Dr. Elsamry but ,he would eitherspewoutasttingofprofanitywhile kicking at our faces or he would spew out a vomit comet - also directed at our
fu.ces. "At this pointwe feared for our lives. Plus Iwas wearing a really kick-ass Tshirt that my girlfriend gave me before she slept with my buddy Steve. I hate the bitch, but I'm not giving up a cool Tshirt like this. No way. That bitch can burn in hell before I ever take off the T shirt ... Yeab, so that's why he ended up there all night." W'hen contacted for an interview, FJsamry's wife said he was unable to comment. \'('hen asked ifhis inability to commentwas becauseofahortiblehango-
ver, Elsamry's wife just sighed and closed the door. ·.Manystudentsandfacultyhavecalled for Elsamry's resignation. A group of protestors even setup ademonstratton outside his house. E1samry responded by opening his front door and wavirig hispenisattheprotestors. Thiswasnot the tongue-in~heek response the protestors expected. The university decided not to discipIine E1samry after the incident When asked why they chosenotto intervene in a seemingly inappropriate sitUation, University ofW~terloo publicist!\.fike R. Fone said "\ve did not want his penis waved at us." University Policeas well as Waterloo regional police had similar responses.
I';RIDAY, APRIL 1, 2005
If
"You, for asking such a retarded question." Ed the Sock
"Damn, dirty hippies." David Suzuki 4B industrial engineering
1A political correctness
"Curious George, because he lives with that man in the yellow hat. A little too curious fa me ..." George Dubbya
"It's not who you kill, but how. Use insecticide with a hint of lavender for a corpse with a pleasing scent." Martha Stewart
Kindergarten
3A fine arts
1. \X/hat I'm weari.ng right now 4. You tty to be funny, but really, a terrorist group? 7. A washout 14. Ohgood, a German philosopher; the Germans aren't funny 16. And now look, a parasite---- is that laughter I hear? 17. Wnere the French sleep '.vhen rhey camp 18. Failing school--- that ain't funny 19. Cartoons are 20. Ohhcrewego,sexrderence, that's always good 21. Quick, historical 1ndianreference! 22. Ask an English major to explain this one to you 24. Department store? Not funny 28. The French words are always funny 30. Wooden strip? LMAO 33. A funny face I've never heard of 34. An extinct bird -- not funny 36. Ever wonder in make up words? 38. Sometimes I don't, unless I'm fishing 39. A funny cheese? 42. The first two letters are in funny 44. Captain I<irk's singing was funny 45. A service club with funny hats 46. Did the Egyptians ever laugh about this god? 48. Not a funny coun action 50. A funny thing happens when you forget to take tl1is - babies! 53. Frothbg dog? Not funny 55. Ftee YU(l1"selfof funnyiokc8 57. Don't bend over here 59. Bubbles are always funny 62. Sally to Harry in t11at fanlous movie 64. This i:sn't even a French word! 67. Okay, you know what, I give up ... 68. Well, maybe not yet, this is a warm and fuzzy word ... 69. How Arnie's muscles moved 70. Just dive right in 71. David Johnson's mother's brother's sister-in-law, the skinny one living in Duluth
74. Rhymes with purple
76. Dursh
Down 1. Least funny tree out there 2. \l'here the Christians ate the lions
3. Shiny coat 4. I-Ieard the one about the volcano? 5. Little Richard, now there was a funny
guy 6. Giggle, giggle, yol,l said "ass" 7. Swearing many times over 8. Not a bodily fluid 9. Don't sing this '.vhen you're happy 10. Closest thing to a clo'.vn-hicyclc 11.\\7111' are all these words not funny?
12. "~<"!<路 . H路<'''' 13. \Vhat, mote "WH'.n "Y 15. And now a school reference,h-o-ti-n-g! 23. Dttde lFhere:u\'-fy Cadwasftmny 25. Top condition? But the winner's never funny 26. Rootheday?No,thafsrllekalJb>a!:oo 27. Football cali, men in tights? Kinda funny 29. Legal bird food 31. Another boring tree 32. Hmm ... man in tights on stage, ""hat would he say? 35. Bible reference, anyone laughing
Jumble theme:
thebl.ame 56. Her brother acted once with Kevin Bacon, or'Fas.it Kevil1 Space,? No,it was definitely Bacon, but was it her brother? Or her brother--in-law? Any.. how, you'dlmow her_ .. 58. Not a funny English cit-j 60. A soapbox 61.1 f you made it this far, come to the Afisprintoffice for a special surprise 63. 11K fall guy 64. Not a funny cow tbing 65. Yawn cut short 66. A clue; sheep are funny
ClOth_articles 5. "Dressed in that ____ .___ _ She looks so cute 1 couid die. Twml.t to tell her so
L "Put on your ______.._.. 拢1:'$ time for Chanukah."
Hut I'd stop
KRMAYUEL "Grimace. He gets all the good press. I want to see purple blood oozing into the sewers." Hamburgiar
yet? 37. Funny dog noise 39. Baby bed - babies are cute and funny 40. '[be fi.:mny Jewish comedian 41. Key to a funny winter chase 42. Another tree? \'V'hat is this, Earth week? 43. Smdies show 84 per cent of t,l:lis countxy's citizens can't spell the name 47. You always laugh at her when you tease her 49. Take away a do\vn's water pistol 51. Yep, definitely making the words 52. 'fhis one too; this is some crazy
I'm too
EIOHOD
"Mother Theresa." OZlY bzbourne 3A religious studies
2. "Sitting atound the dinner table in our __ .__ and our g)'ease-stained wife;heaters."
IIIEYSWTGTHTH
2A peace and conflict studies
6. "} grabbed hel" with m)' bear pa:\VS right oenea,h her ______.__ And the skies rained -with joy because I am a little
TSRAOPRSB
3. "She had truck, Thighs like what, what" '."hat, AlI night long Let me see that~ _ _ _ _"
THONG
"Harren Dutz." Aeff Jnstett
"No one. I love everyone!" Harren Dutz
18 opinion
48 features
4. " ___ it to her \\7ith a httle tenderness."
o
S KC
7. "Oh , dlOU set my ___._______._. on fire I hope thou wilt S0011 qudl my desire For without thou, I'd Lh:o\vn fOJ: an hour And the t;l.ste of the saltwater brine is so sour."
LONAI>TOANS
Final Question: What is Dursh's girlfriend unlikely to be wearing right now?
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2005
Raveel revealed th'e .real Quantum research .donation put in box; reason he's still in Pakistan Box Man MISPRINT HOSTAGE
Raveel Afzaal, the Feds VPAF who has been stuck in Pakistan since earlier this year supposedly due to Visa problems, stunned the UW community yesterday by ftnally announCing the real reason that he has been unaQle to return to Canada: Raveel Afzaal is" Batman. Afzaalmade the announcement at a press conference in his hometown o(Islamabad to a crowded group of stunned reporters, saying simply " ... I'm Batman." Afzaal proceeded to make several cryptic comments about the details of his superhero
Raveel Afzaa (a.k.a. Batman)
alter-ego, which didn't really clear up how he came to be Batman or why Batman is needed in Pakistan, but it sounded really goddamned cool. Only Miprintfteld reporter Trish Smithington was bold enough to ask any follow-uR questions of the caped crusader. Afzaal responded by referring to himself as "vengeance incarnate" and gassing her into a coma using an unidentifted device from his utility belt, all to raucous applause from the crowd. (Sorry Trish, but you're kind of annoying. That's why we always send you on the dangerous assignments.) The press conference was thrown into further disarray when Michael
SUPERMAN
Keaton, whose presence at the press conference has stillnot been explained, began to protest t:he announcement, saying, ''Wait! ... I'm Batman!" Keaton was prompdyremoved from the press conference and extradited to Canada, where he will serve as Feds'newVPAF. A representative for the Pakistani government told Misprint that the Dark Knight was summoned to Pakistan to' deal with the increasing number of super-powered villains created by the fallout from Indian and Pakistani nuclear weapons tests. ''We knew there would be animal mutations and large sections of wilderness turned into nuclear wasteland," said Pakistani Federal Infor- . mation Minister Ahaikh Sashid Rhmed, speaking on condition of anonymity. "And we can deal with that. But a guy who can shoot lazers out of his eyes? Fuck, man, we need Bjltman for that." UWPresidentDaveyJay also commented on the announcement, saying, "Riddle me this ... " When unable to come up with a clever riddle, Jay was forced to' admit that he is not in fact the Riddler, and that the green pajamas that he we~ to the office are due mainly to his rapidly waning lucidity.
state 路unsure
Joule McEigenfunction MISPRINT VIRGIN
Last week, Reftned In Mofo-ness (RIM) founder Michael Lizards ftc. nally made good on his promise to donate $33.3 million to UW's own Institute for Quantum Computing. However, lidiculously rich men are notorious for their eccentricity, and Lizards is no exception: he elected to leave the donation at the doorstep of the physics building in the form of small, unmarked bills locked inside a strongbox. With the bills inside the strongboxis an incendiary device triggered by the quantum decay ofCobalt 60. ''Take that, you quantum-loving hadron gropers!" Lizards was heard yelling as he sped away. "Cobalt 60 emits gamma radia-= tion -one stray gamma photon and all that money goes up in smoke," said IQC director Raymond
Womyn need
Laflamme. "There's the possibility oflots of money and GO money at the same time. It's like we can't know if that money is still there without opening the damn box." Laflamme continued, "This is like the time [IQC Researcher]Jan Kycia determined the momentum of one of his grad students so precisely she ~ould have been anywhere in the universe. We looked for weeks and couldn't ftnd her after tbat. LuckiIyhe has, an ample supply of grad students." Another IQC researcher, Dr. BruceBanner,managed to break open the strongbox early this morning. He was prompdy pelted by gamma rays and turned into the Hulk. The remaitiing mathematicians, physi- . cists, chemists and engineers searched the box and did not ftnd $33.3 million. They did, however, ftnd a dead cat.
remov~ble
breasts
. off. Subsequendy, child locks would need to be invented with particula.t combinations. Combinations would I was lying in my bed with my girlneed to be changeable so that your ex . 9IJl"t~teab:py.r bt.~+,_~,_~",~,__ ~ and.~y,baQQIL)\[~,~ a MzaalWilrrenlalDmPaJQsianfOr ' little friendly. All of the sudden she A storage system will have to be an indeftnite period of time, citing shouts, "Hey those are attached!" and invented to keep unused breasts perky his ongoing quest for dark, broodand ready for wear. Cabinets would I think, what if they weren't attached? ingjustice. With detachable breasts,newpossineed to be kept at ftve degrees and a constant humidity of94.1526 per cent. bilities would be available for men and Portable carriers soyoucanswap breasts women everywhere. Imagine never midday are likely to be one of the worrying about not filling up your hottest-selling items. dress or that super bounciness when When asked to comment, Womyou are running! Consider the wonders en's Cen1:rerepresentatives were all for ofstill having breasts to playwith when l\farch29 saweven more bloodshed the idea. "It will stop discrimination when the ESO claimed responsibility your girlfriend goes out of town. based on breast size," commented one for the murder of Mz#1rillt staffer f The advantages to the economy would be endless. There would be a womyn. ''When going to a job interNorbert MoogaIagook because of his having written what they viewed as an 'signiftcant new industry of breast view, we can guarantee getting the job by bringing our big breasts." manufactW:ing. Men could buy the unfavourable story about the ESO on So far, the only negative"aspect disperfect breasts and keep them from October 8, 2004. Moogalagook was covered is that it will inevitably take one girlfriend to the next. Novelty shot by a sniper perched atop the SLC women twice as longto get ready in the and, as of press time, UW police had . breasts would-be available for people interested in scaly or technicoloured morning. "One more accessory isn't not yet captured the killer. always a good thing," one husbynd boobs. It's not just the club suspension commented. "She will ask me fof adOfcourse,. therewQuld be difficulthat has the ESO upset with Feds. In ties associated with removable breasts. - vice and if! suggest the big ones she an interview with Miptint on l'vIarch 10, the ESO executive oudined addiDuring breastfeeding thertE would be will get mad, and I don't really want to suggest any of the others!" " endless problems ifthey could just fall tional.concerns. "Feds transfers student money to homosexuals," said vice-president Ivana Seygod, referring to the allotment to the Gays and Lesbians of Waterloo - an amount that totalled $1,327 in 2003-04. ''They endorse sinful, wicked lifestyles and UW students FedsPresidentBeaky Row announced "with Byron?'~ are not goirig to take this lying down." In order to prevent the yes and no that the Feds will be having a new Communications officer G, <;ommittees from foulingup tllls elecreferendum since the WPIRGreferenSusroxx echoed her sentiments. ''They tion, they have beenran~omly sclected dum was so badly muddled. ''We also fund that palace of 'sin [the from the clubs. TheJuggling Club will need to prove to the student body and Bombshelter]. With them funnelliflg be representing the Yes s~de and the the world at large that we know how money to evil, we don't feeHt's unreato run a referendum." . Ftatemityand SororityAwareness Club sonable to ask them to at least also The Feds spent hours thinking of " with form the No com.rruttee. subsidize the work of the Lord." The Campus Crusade for Christ For more infomiation on the jihad "a referendum topic thatwouldinterest has been asked not to release what students. ''We wanted a question that that has gripped the UW campus, visit Byron beli~ves until after the referenstudents have been asking themselves the Feds office or the ESO jihad headdum so that students will be more this year," said Row. The official referquarters in the prayer room, 3rd floor enduni question \",ill be ''Do you agree interested in the question. SLC. Jake Fakenamerson SEX SLAVE
ESO launches jihad against Feds Jerry Falwell UNDEAD NEWSIE
Furious at the results of the February Feds election, which sawJohnny Andrews win the presidency; the Embassy Student Organization (ESO) has officially declared jihad (holy war) against the Federation of Students. They issued the notice via megaphone outside the MC building at noon on March 24 and, within two . hours of jihad, had sent in a squad to storm and eventually occupy the Feds office. They caught the office staffoffguard and gained control of the office within minutes, killing General Manager Susie Burden in the process. An ESO member announced that the. staff were being held hostage and thattheESO demanded its club status be returned or "blood would spill." After Feds President Beaky Row refused to comply, they shot clubs and services director Riclfard This, execution-style. The ESO is a Protestant Christian organization afftliated with the Rentacost Assemblies ofCanada and has been furious since the suspension of its club status on September 29, 2004 due to repeated and wilful violations ofFeds clubs regulations. The savage occupation ended when a prominent member of the Campus
Crusade for Chips visited the offtce and begged the ESO to end the siege. When interviewed by Miprint afterwards, all he had to say was, ''Do you agree with Byron?" On March 31 , the club's executive held a meeting with Feds VP internal Johnny Andrews, who afterwards suddenly disappeared. He was eventually found - four days later - in the men's washroom in the Bombshelter, drugged up, hung over and with no pants. Against the advice of his doctor, Andrews returned to work the next day and immediately ordered the reinstatement of the ESO's club status. Clubs and services director This refused to comply and president Row issuedapresidentialdecreethatblocked the reinstatement and officially relieved Andrews of his duties. According to Row, the ESO remains without club status to this day because ''Feds hasn't observed a genuine effort on the part of the ESO to Gomplywith Feds regulations." However;one Feds empl?yeewho spoke withMz#1tinton the condition ofanonymity said Row believes Andrews was tortured and brainwasheP by the ESO. \ As for Andrews, he declined to comment on his sudden change of heart.
Feds to call new referendum . after WPIRG fiasco
FRIDAY, APRIl, I, 2005
y
n ra
I
r Norbert Moogalagook LEG BREAKER
In a bid to efficiently use university space, U\V Parkingservict::s announced that it plans to bulldoze East Campus Hall to make way for more parking. Currently the building houses the department of fine arts, the U\1(;' mail tlnance department and the d.()n!,oy for Psych 420. "Students have been clamouring for more parking spaces, so we thought we'd give them what they wam," said Ty1ar \vayne of
a proves human testin
Anti-abuse activists organize animal rights and first year student experimentations Spud Hawkins so it will be eliminated altogether. "\Ve MISPRINTCALF---'- -will be keepingUW on dIe cutting edge and doing a,vay with all paper mail," Despite the hullabaloo of the precedsaid Patrice Chiehan ofwaste manage-· ing week's referendum, officials for ment. "Instead we'll have the music the \X'aterlooPrivate InterestResearch faculty alumni delivering singing tel· Group have decided to go ahead w1.th egrams. If ,\ve do that, we can finally their latest endeavour-- asking first year students to volunteer thelTlselves give those alurnni some jobs." 111e department of fme arts will for extensive testing, the kind com move toa senior's home in St.Jacob's. monly performed on SItch helpless Departrnent chair Janet Sellers is ec- animals as mice and rabbits. static. "For once Vie can nlove out of The project was sparked last our crafl1ped industrial space and go month after WPIRG received a petisomewhere where there are actually tion from a local animal rights or·have nice ganization called Ethical Animal things to paint. And buildings, too. The seniors are nice, Treatment l\lakes Earth an Amicable but we just can't do performance art Territory (E1\TMEA T). The petiduring nap time" tion criticizes lJ\"\;' and other univerIt was discovered that no one actu-- sities forallowinglaboratoties around ally took Psych 420 since the course was Ij the co un tn'.- to continue dangerous '-last offered in 1976. The box was sub·· i and hurtful on poor sequently set aflame. i animals when freshmen Feds was less than happy. Outgo- are a comparably cheaper and plentiing VI' Education Geoff Oh Henry ful substitute. commented, "You'd think that "1 t really got me thinking, 'This is are trying to get rid of us one depart- a good opportunity,'" said Barry ment at a time." Environmental stud- Greene, \'fPIRG's coordinator of stu-ies is the odds-on favourite to be the dent projects. "1 figured that since next to go, likely to Elmira --- that we're ahvays bringing inspiring people to U\X', maybe it was time U\X' paragon of clean water. \y/ith four campuses spread out ga,-e something back to the commualong the proposed regional trolley nity. '1'hen I figured, nah, why bother. route, UW could buy and build the The community can screw itself."
r
spots ,,,,:ill increase, U\V Parking-services ,\,111 increase the number of parking passes that it sells. "\\j'e always like to keep the ratio ofpasses to spots at about five roone. \Vt~liketowatch rbosekids scramble," said \\' ayne. The finance department\vill move in to the suh-basementofNeedles Hall, where co-op used to be. "They really won't " said Danny Hubble, vice-president oHioance. "They're ae-C.Oj':U)jilnts!p tlH~:':y
don)t nee<:l
\\<:1ndO,\\-5-.
\\e',-e even kept the beautiful co-op interview rooms for nostalgia's sake." ltwas also discovered that the mail room sends more mail than it receives,
II
"J-hole
think, we could
have st:udents riding street cars and staying out of trouble. They could work wirelessly and be busy all the time," said UW President Davey Jay.
()n pi day, MathSoc gives out pie. What do they do on e day?
\'VPIRG's f,;i!ure to
with
the petition resulted in last week's protest of the university by animal rights activists. A crowd of about 200 swarmed the SLC and chanted antiabuse couplets while toting signs beating such popular animal fights 'Slogans as "l\ieatIs l\:furder" and "1'm Only I-IereTo Score Weed." "It was a pretty wild public forum,"
said Greene, "even by our standards." "For the love of God, leave the bunnies alone!" shouted Granola Moon Honey Love Sun Flower, ex-· ecurive director of EATJ\1EAT and co-ordinator of the protest. "Do whatever the hell you want \vith the frosh, hy all means, hut leave the bunnies alone." The two organizations reached an agreement~ was caned off and now \X'PIRG \Yill spend the next month signing up fIrst 'lear U\\' students for various experiments to be performed in laboratories across carnpus. This means, of comse, that vendors hawking class and used CDs will be the SLCwirh s tudent volunteers whcn,-iH be handing our little trinkets of useless swag to any frosh to endanger rhcmseh'cs for tbe of their \'I{'ate.rIoo "]f we meer our quota of 150 students by the end of.\pril, EATI\JEAT will never protest us again and declare us an example of a school that made a diff<o:rence when speaking at other universities," said Greene. "Plus you get a Feds keychain. I know, I kno,,,', but volunteer anyway, please." Proposed tests include different means of cosmetic testing, one of the most types employed on anilnab. From nu\v on, male and female frosh willing to serve their school can be the fIrst to tryout innovations in the worlds of eye shadow, mascara, skin cream, lipstick and blush, among other beautifying agents. As an added incentive, the 10 students deemed the sexiest fo11O\'1ing their cosmetic n:ansformations
will be taken to the Bomber for a free round, provided they attempt up at least three lovers of either gender. "Macking chicks at Bomber! Is there any better way to tes t cosmetics than that?" said some guy in the hall outside the J\lispri;ltoffice "\vho identitled himselfonly as "Poon Hunter." Other frosh volunteers will undergo medical experiments involving forei6'11 medications and inoculations that may either increase their productivity significantly or kill them. FortuWPIRG recognizes the scri-
Recruitment of frosh has and Greene hopes that numbers continue to grow. In addition, he is asking I-hat all professors of first year cOUJ:ses try to make tbeir COU1:se material a little more difficult than usual, which will hopefully convince several students that becoming a human guinea pig is a more favoutable alter native to attending class. "If we all ,vork together, UW can earn a reputation for having the most ambitious fIrst year students Canada has ever seen," he said. Greene adds that \VPIRG will invite a public speaker to come to campus and endorse the frosh experiments as soon as they can find one willing to refer to the audience as "N azis" and "terrorists."
e can't spea andarin but he still wants to slee with you
FITTY CENTS NEW ALBUM ABOUT BEING LOST lN THE STREETS
VP Cheddar A BAD HAIRCUT
FEATURING THE HIT SINGLE 'I REALLY NEED A HUG RIGHT NOW' THE
RECORD
SCAM
Ifyou've ~Jready been offended by the title, you probably want to stop read· ing now. Ofcourse, I could proceed by \Hiring a well-researched and infonnarive art"ide about interracial relationships. That doesn't seem likely at this point. 1'll begin by addressing Asian ,vomen. I know the title promised a focus 011 Chinese ,vomen, but I want to, at the very least, show that I'm not ignorant enough to think allAsi:ms are Chinese. That won't stop me from making unreasonable g-eneralizarions, but it's also noteworthy that larger groups are less likely to come after my testicles for sport. So let's cut to the chase: Asian women arc hot. Not in the same way as white women, and definitely notin the same way as black women ... but the appeal is there, rooted in their
inherently exotic facial features and skin tone, much in the same war Latina wornenare attractive. On that note, Filipinos have the fantastic advantage of having Spanish blood mixed in with lheir Asian llCLt""{'C, putting them in direct competition with natin~ Ha\vaiians for hottestracc in the world. flowever, there is a recurring issue: tits, hips and ass. Many white guys are generally . _. disap· pOointed '.,'1th Asian assets. I have a ~imple rebuttal: small breasts arc perky, and smaller asses are usually a symprom of smaller pelvic bones. Smaller pelvic bones mean tighter ... hugs. That's right, hugs. By now, it should be clear why a white guy (or bro\vn, or black, or purple) would want to sleep \"ith an Asian woman_ But that's not enough to encourage the proliferation of casual sex; consen tis importan t, too. Herein lies the fundamental problem, and tbrust of this article: racial segregation
interferes in tl1e propagation of good sex. JustJike the some\vhat controversial article tllat inspired this one, I ,-rill venture that racial diques exist on campus, and then go funher in saying that relationships with lots ofpotential are (plashed. Even if a brave ,"vhite man makes inroads "lith a Chinese woman, he still has to the hurdles of dim sum and karaoke. Those activities are exclusive! You all sit around playing your dice games and your karate chop finger counting game, and drinking your light beet.l,et's be honest, though: white men are larger, stronger, and often have that "good boy" hair. And, if things go awry, you want your kid to be one of those mixed--race children all the cool kids iook up to. No one wants awhite kid anymore. \Vc've accepted that the races are mixing, and we'll be one of the first togo. So, be receptive. You don't need to speak the same language to enjoy mind-blo'Wing sex.
101
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2005
,
Tea time with Herambone Harem Ramachandrogen MIA
Today Herambone interviews !\dam Johns, renowned satirist and resident sex symbol for Misprint. They meet at McDonald's because Heramb is a cheap fucker who reserves his bling treatment for the ladies. For starters, they order a medley of medium fries and McNuggets carved from the freshest entrails money can buy. For the main course, Herambone, in his classiest tone, orders Ie Big Mac, while Adam experiments with a Royale avec Cheese. The aperitif du jour is that orange tang that tastes like pee. â&#x20AC;˘ Herambone: HI!)'Adam Johns, how's it htmging? Adam: That's rather cruel of you, Heramb. As you knm,v full well, my penis was amputated in February due to overuse. Resssssssspect. ROFL! Man, you and your sexual escapades will be the death 0/ me, son. Seriously though, Heramb, I'm doing rather sparkly at the moment. Excellmt, excellent. Bifore we start, you don't mind that I write this dull paroc!J 0/yO!tr column which is a fine paroc!J 0/ Jan Wong's column in the Globe and Mail which reallY makes this article rather pointless? Oh shit. Ignore that last qUI/StiOII. You have mte ryes. Why thank you. Your eyes are' rather fetching as well. Both of them. Not quite as penetrating as my gaze, but on an erotic scale of penetration, I give you a 6.9. Another fine quip. A1!Jhoot, what inspiredyou to write these brilliantlY crafted anecdotes with icons ofpop culture? Well, 'Bone - that's your nickname, right? (Internal thought: lame nickname.) I seem to talk to myself a lot and I do all these difft;rentvoices. My grandmother thinks it's adorable. I can hold an entire conversation with nobody else in ~he room. So one day, this "psychiatrist" was all, "Hey, Adam, sometimes when you talk to yourself in the weird voices, you say some amusing thingsl" In a nutshell, I guess this "t5sychiatrist" encouraged my creativi~ and I've been regurgitating my
wi~
conversations onto print ever since. Wow. Fascinating. I personallY find inspiration whm I maSturbate. Yeah, ok, focus on me please. Not interested in your unfunny lines. I apologize ... hI!)' look, Julia Harries Just walked in. Beat it Johns. Whaa! (He is slowlY remoped from Heramb's presence i?Y two burlY Asian transvestites.) Herambone: I am most honoured i?Y your presence, Ms. Harries.' Julia: Umm, I'mjust here to grab a Filet 0' Fish. Ohhhh, how erotic. I'm sureyou'vegot some naughry plans with that, don'tyou? Yeah, I was going to .eat it. Gimme a minute. (Heramb runs tiffto the IPCfShroOlll, fantasizes about a Filet o 'Fish in some unspeakable positions, and retllrns 60 secotlds later.) Boy, that.was quick Heramb. I guess your reputation precedes you. Touchi. Well then,yoll seenI to be the bastion 0/ sexual knowledge on campus. So, is there a'!} chance you'll sleep with flle? After one tlight with the 'Bone, CVe!1 . the Kama Sutra be all, ''Dammmmmmlllmmmn. " (Julia Harries vomits not once but twice). Give thisgirl some Grawl! It's alright Julia, it wouJdn 't have worked Ollt betweetl us. My polYgamist tendencies. wouJdn't jive with your inclitlation for mo,!ogamy. Umm, yeah. My sentiments exactly. Bifore YOIl run aWf!j, I need some advice. I've got thisfriend "Habib, "yeah, "Habib, "who 's tried all these h,olisticpills and whatnot for, you know, "vitamin dqicie!1fY?" He's even purchased a t'vitamin" pump. Habib's not reallY noticing milch 0/ a difference in his "viriliry." All these girls are compou1Uling matters i?Y mocking Habib 's condition, "Hry Habib, what's the difference betweenyou atld the Invisible Man? At leastYOIl can see the Invisible Man's Petlis!" Laugbterengulfs McDonald's and doesn't cease for three days. Heramb quits his job as a journalist and becomes a rodeo clown. Adam and Julia carry on writing for Mispritltwi.th the knowledge that their predecessor 1ft. RamachaJ;tdrogen was in fact a freak.
Engineers discover sun, women Pasty McGeekington LACKING PERSONALITY
An engineer wandered outside of the computer lab in Engineering Two today and discovered¡ an entirely new world. ''The maximum heat aad light tolerance of my brain's transportation mechanism was instantaneously exceeded after exposure to what I hypothesize to be a sustained, naturally occurring fusibnreaction operating at distances many orders of magnitude latgerthan ~ical scientific calculations would require," recalled one engineer as he returned to the computer lab. The fantastic nature of the story rous"ed other engiUeersin the lab. They wanted to see the new world for themselves, But many had not used their leg muscles in decades. Another engineer explained the dilemma this way: ''We considered our
options before proceeding. We discussed designing a robot avatar for the new world,. but we were quickly divided about whether the robot should be modelled after a high elf wizard or a gnomish rogue." Eventually, they gathered their collective strength and headed up the stairs, their legs moaning in painful protest. On the way up, the pack of engineers couldn't resist the urge to calculate pi. ~. "How many digits of pi can you' recite?!' asked one confident engineer. ''Forty-two,'' replied another. ''The answer to life, the universe and everything!" they chanted in unison. They promptly forgot about calculatingpi,gleeful that the writing of the famed computer AI system ''Douglas Adams" had been mentioned. They madeit to the top ofthe stairs and opened the door. What they saw
on the o.ther side was not what they
expected. ''TIle wavelength and physical orientation.of the photons that met our . visual receptors at that moment was unlike anythingwhich wehad observed in the past," reported one of the engineers in the group. ''The source of the particle beam was a creature not unlike ourselves in some respects; it was of a moderate height and slim build with all of the usual features of Homo sapiens. But the data stopped fitting our model at that point. This creature .had long, flowing, neck-length hair on its head, yet no hair anywhere else on its body. Further unusual was its pleasant scent, soft skin and high-frequency verbal actuatorcombinedwith an abnormally swelled midsection," he elaborated. "Weaskeditifitknewhowtocalculate pi, but its only response was, 'Ugh, why can't I find any normal guys?"'
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2005
Stop the insanity!
To the editor,
Cover my event or die
printofficenextweek and demand my official resignationl
-MarkJohnson 3B political science
I am thoroughly disgusted by the joumalistic standards-orlack. thereof -ofMisprint. How you can continue Clean your mouth out with soapl to print my meaningless, offensive col\l!Ilfls is totally beyond me. To the editor, Look at the ridiculous arguments I've attempted to make! With my supYou, editor, are surely going to a hot port for astronomical minimum wages corner of hell. Ho~ can you allow the and high taxes, I obviously have no . constant StrearTI ofprofanity that flows understanding of how the economy from your newspaper's pages? works. The foul language used in your I shamefully misused the tragedy of publicaiton is shameful, and makes the deaths of the RCMPofficers to my eyes bleed every time I read Mispromote mypersonal agenda for legalprint's sinful pages .. ized marijuana. I must've been smokAre you not concerned with jouring the funny stuff that day. When I nalistic integrity at all? I watched a readthatcolumn,Ialmostthrewup! It program on PBS the other day and it should never have been tun. explained that only filthy propaganda Thelistgoes on. I have no tolerance rags like the Toledo Sun use profanity. for people with views other than ~y Therefore, I demand that you 'raise own, particularly in the area of moral your standards and strike the sin-lanissues. With my promotion ofhomoguage from your pages. sexuality and abortion, I'm obviously I am tired ofhaving to go to confesin need of some Christian revivalism. sion every Friday after reading your I regularly insult our wonderful filthy paper and I have had so many neighbours to the south, the Ameriholy-water purification bath~ thatI am cans. I ridicule their president, who developing a nasty dry skin condition. has liberated Afghanistan and Iraq I will continue to read every dirty and will hopefully be liberating Syria page of your newspaper until I am and :fran in due course. satisfied that it is clean. I'm"So biased I make myself sick! I'm just a Liber3l mouthpi~ce mas- Virginia Virgin querading 'as a news columnist; It's 2B purity studies time Misprint realized how badly it is embarrassing itself and cut my colp.s. I saw a kitten being rescued umn from its pages. from a tree by campus police yesterday. I'm hereby sending a warning to Why don't you everwrite about happy, Laura Katsirdakis: if you don't stop. non-offensive things like that in your printing my idiotic mumbo jumbo newspaper? right away, I will march into the Mis-
UW prepares for dreaded triple cohort
To the editor, <
•
Once agaln, I am sqrely disappointed to find that your sad excuse for a newspaper failed to cover the ping pong tournament this weekend. Why does a campus newspaper exist if it does not watch the eveJ:y move of each and every campus club and sports team that exists? Who do you expect to read your farty publication? Only the goddamn football and basketball teams? Iamherebydirectingallofmyworld class pingpongers to stage a boycottof Misprint. We will not read a single page Until you consent to give us coverage. And it doesn't stop with the ping pong team either! I have successfully recruited the Campus Crusade for Cheese as well. They are also disappointedin yourcovetage oftheir club's events and have willingly agreed to join us in our boycott, Take that Misprint snobs!
-BobPong VarsitY Ping Pong coach Grand .theft lunch
To the editor, Ernie, thanks for eating my lunch. I hope it was fucking delicious. ~e Misprint fridge is no longer a safe environment for frozen entrees. A word to the wise, keep your lunch in your desk:
-
ano'!J1"lous
Harren Dutz BADASSMOFO ~stweek a distinct squishy thud was
heard all aroun~ Ontario. The sound was that of thousands of potential students and university administratorscollectivelydroppingfreshdookies in their collective pantaloons as Ontario Education Minister Gerard Kennedy announced the removal of Grades 10 through 12 from Ontario high school programs. "Really, the main point of secondary education is to smooth over. those teenage years made awkward by puberty and the search forcasual sex." Kennedyadded, ''We'll just provide Grade runes with massive horrpone injections, a nice government standard-issue blowjob and let the tartar sauce fall where it may." This would mean an intensely condensed curriculum for students. A . revised curriculum would usherin the combination of Similar classes like philosophy and math. When asked by angry parents if the new plan could possibly prepare students for postsecondiry education, Kennedy postulated, "Come on, the only thing you really need to leam in high school is the right places to shave. We'll bein,clud-
ing that as part ofnew biology courses. .students were outraged by the news. J\bny can't even play "Stairway to Heaven" let alone have the skills to compete against students with une or even two years of extra education. Of the effected parties, local bar owners were the most vocal. "Just when we thought shit couldn't get any worse around here ... " said FohnJedy, rpanager of Fed Hall, at his public address announcing that Fed Hall will be switching function in the fall. Formerly the largest on-campus nightclub in Ontario, Fed Hall will become Musselini's, the1argeston-campus Ital-· ian/ seafood place. Bombsheltt;,rhowever, will remain open as a student pub. "I'mnotworried,"liaidSargeant T., Bombermanager, "a similar situation occured up in Quebec a while back when they raised the legal drinking age from the third trimester to 18 years old. Initially bar patronage dropped offseverely, forcing cosdy items like 'door staff' and 'ID scanners' to be removed from most budgets. Strangely though, once the business was tightened up in those areas, people came back in full force. I can see no way in which this course of action can possibly result in unfavourable consequences."
Suzuki: to find new planet to save one-tonne challenge forya, baby!" and thrusted his hips suggestively. Suzuki also encouraged the public It is official: planet earth is doomed. to avoid burning fossil fuels when . Peace-loving but <litty hippies everytravelling across the galaxy and to instead use bicycles. . wh.e were shocked when David Suzuki, the last vanguard of the envi''We don't even know what the ronment denounced humanity and effects of fossil fuels on other atmosdeclared his retirement from the busipheres could be. Cycling to the moon; ness of saving our planet. ~hile taking a little longer than taking Looking wild-eyed and slighdy a space ship, will save the ... um ... crazed at a press conference Friday, ' . universe's atmosphere, and will also Suzuki said, "we need to shift our help you get in shape, you fat basfocus off this shithole, and start protards," c6rrimented Suzuki. tecting other planets from the Some citizen groups spoke cti0tityronnization of human beings. cally of Suzuki's declaration. ''Wow, 'There are coundess lifeforms out so Suzuki's going to save another there that need saving! We're too planet, eh?" Said Christopher' Earth-centric. Sure, we may have no Treesdown, president of Citizens of idea whatwe'd be savingyet, but damn Earth Living (COAL). "He:S done a it we srill have to try!" • terrible job here, how the hell is he Dr. SUzuki has been working for going to help any other planets? And manyyearstosaveplanetEatth, butafter what is this going to cost taxpayers? watching an episode ofthe SimpleLife, Our money shouldn't go to some he now agrees that it's clearly a goner. alien lifeform. Letthem fix their own Suzuki has outlined a new fivedamn environmental problems!" step program, similar to his 10-step However, many others were sup~ Nature Challenge, that encourages portive of what~uzuki wants to do. treading lighdy Oll the planets by Environmentandresource studies stuavoiding consuming anything dent Topaz Dawn said ''It's like, so anytime, in~luding food, water and beautiful that he wants to do that. We air, building your house out of used Should all jow together in an effort to kleenex and sanitary napkins and stalk~ave all planets, not just the prettyones ing and shooting Hummer drivers with trees and water and stuff." for sport. Suzuki ended the press conference As for the One-Tonne Challenge to by saying that the biggest threats to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, new planets are likely to be climate Suzuki's only comment was, ''I'vegota change, SUVs and economists. Token Jew
MISPRINT COMMUNIST
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2005
IIAW YIIIIW.SlICK All AWl
Part 666: average, warsattack of
Here is the straight truth
You know what? I've gotten tired of dancing around the real issue here. I've . tried to make il: obvious through providingexamples ofyour numerous failings and inferiorities, but you're still clueless.So, pay attention, straightguys, 'cause I'm going to spell it out for you: Queers are better than you. Period. It's really quite sad that you peons never actually clued into it. Pidn't you ever wonder why nearly every straight woman has at least one gay male friend -why they always tum to us when they need advice or someone to talk to? It's no real wonder eitherl You "real
. manly men" are so inept when it comes to women that you just don't understand them, stumbling about in a perfectimitationofaNeanderthal We've tried to help you, tried to help you understand, but our attempts at culturingyou on even the most basic of levels failed duetoyour absoluteinability to. understand our ways. We know how to cook gourmet, we have fashion sense and can pick out the perfect outfit, we exercise until we are replicas oftheAdonis, welookforward to full day shopping excursions and we can actually listen to women for more than 15 seconds at a rime - and e,gf(J listening. . We are the absolute essence of perfect, culturedmasculinity. You - well, allittakes to replace you pathetic straight men is a slab of chocolate and a high-
quality vibrator. Admit it; it's the ttuth. And this is why you fear us so; this is the underlying caUse to all die bigotty and hate! You will do anything to keep us from assuming our rightful place: satisfyingwomeninways thatyoucould neverevencomprehend-joinedwith them in ruling over you: the cattle of humanity. You think you're winning? You've already lost. Everyimportantpersonin every place of power is either queer or secretlycontrolledbyawell-placedqueer agent. . We control the government, the education system and the media. Weare theintellect:uaIs, artists,lawyers, teachers, politiciat:ts, writers and scientists. Ourtime ofbeingmeekis over. Step aside; breeders: the queer are inheriting
1heearth.
NSERC funds frictionless orgasm research
There's a sayingc10se tomyhCart: ''Love is a matter of chemistty. Sex is a matter of physics." How ttue that is! Do you honestly think physicists study waves and siinple harmonic motion and two body problems because we care about the ItnitlffSC? No! I want to find the resonant frequency ofyou, baby! Speaking of sex (because sex
=
physics),I'm trying to get an NSERC grant to find out whether orgasms are possible in a frictionless universe. Besides my need for government money for sexual research, I need two things. First, I need a competent physicist (not just a physics poser like myself) to create a parallel u,niverse, preferably a frictionless one. Second, I need a "partner" to help mewith this orgasmresearchdeal. Sadly, physics is stilllargelyan "ol? boys" club. Even worse, most ofthe "old boys" are straight! The one girl in my year is switching stteams, and the one homo-
PllllY IIAWN You'd 00 dIinIOOg tutlOOifyoullilld wiIIoJtlMw.
sexual man in myyear is in regular and won't be around next semester! Ifa sUitablepartneris unavailable,I suppose I could conduct these tests on my own. However, considering that I'ye sprained both wrists in a recent Yahtzee(R) tournament, this is not a desirablealtemative. Thus I am putting the call out to everyone in every faculty: you like sex, right? Physicsis sex. I'vegOtten screwed every semester I've been in the program. Ifyou could suggestany suitable candidates and/or devices please drop me aline.
NHL.2006
the ~injas
NHL 2006 EA Games
Natasha the ninja was on the prowl, looking super sexy in her black leather rights (whichallninjaswear,ofcourse). Playstation2 She prowled campus, keeping students safe from the evils thatlurkedin Everyyearwhen the new NHLcomes the dark. Tonight, she was attacking out, my roommate and I spend a few ''Do you agree with Byron?;' mesdays playing it, getting ludicrously sages that were found eve~here on drunk and not sleeping. This year, campus. ''These are truly the work of , however, we were in for quite a suran evil genius," she thought to herself prise. as she scrubbed the pavement clean. The player and team line-up has Suddenly she heard a scream. She shrunk from last year's whopping full rushed to its source. Within moments spectrum to just two players. You get she sawagirl clutching a piece ofpaper. to choose between Gary Bettman and "'Whatiswtong?"NatashacriedmeloBob Goodenow. dramatically. They removed a few key game play "My grades ... " the other girl whiselements, most notably the whole pered. "They're terrible. And it's all hockey bit, and anything remotely rethe fault of that cruel professor Eric lated. The arena choice is limited 路to Celli!" one: a boardroom. ''I will defend you!" Natasha cried. Luckily, t4e game seems to move at Using her super ninja po'wers, she a fast, albeit backwards pace. It seems immediatelyfoundherselfatEricCelli's to start at the end, and works its way office. "Ah hal" she cried, "Here you progressively backwards. Fortunately, are! 1",111 use my amazing ninja powers it's peppered with slamming verbal to stop you from destroying the future violence. Yougetto choose'the zingers of innocent students! I-Ii:Ja!" thatflyouteach character'smouth. Lay Eric Celli was prepared and threw the smackdown hard enough and his most deadly weapon at her: a surGoodenow starts crying. prise quiz! , Unfortunately, there is no ~ctual "No!" Natasha cried, ''I didn't ending to the game. They just keep studyl My average!!!! It burns! Arghl" bgingverbalzingers. Holdoutlong In a last desperat~ move, Natasha enough and Bettman will actually the nllija jumped forward and plucked crouch on the table, take a dump, and the eyes out of Eric Celli's head, like start slinging it at Goodenow. Uma Thurman in Kill Bill Overall, if you're looking to grind "1 have thwarted your evil misaway a few hoQrS on cyclical irguing, ' deeds Eric Celli!" and little to no actual hockey, then pick Natasha ran off into the night, this bore-fest up. Otherwise, well, buy having saved the day. . a real game.
Vision Quest changes opinions
The aboriginal people of Canada sent me on a Vision Quest in'which I saw the grassy-green light oftruth: capitalist conservattvepigs are desttoyingour environment and the liberals are its valiant defenders. \1C'hy worry about careers or the economy when we can simply surround ourselves with love, trees and healthy doses of ignorance, ideology and marijuana? We should deploy hard-working citizens to erect a monument sym-
bolic of the plight of refugees and feminists who have clearly not yet received enough of everyone else's money. We should scrap our military and adopt the pea,.ce symbol as our national flag. The money saved can be used as recycled, environmentally friendly toilet paper. This would be a subtle slap in the face to industrialism, consumerism and corporatism, none ofwhich had a positive impact on the last century. Lastly, and most importantly, we should tax and regulate all forms of movementincludingwalking, breathing, sex for reproductive purposes and the birth of un-aborted, healthy children.