(teenage girl invents fire---homo erectus?) diary entries
SCATTERED DIARY ENTRIES PRE LEXAPRO wrote a lot of this when i had racing thoughts. I tried to leave them as pure (yucky) and unedited as they were when i first wrote them so a lot of this is weird and misspelled and it’s ok i am cool with being creepy. this is a cry for help this is a cry for jesus. jesus, hit the dm.
some stuff i wrote when my mind was mush
JESUS SAVES JESUS VAPES JESUS IS A JOCK JESUS IS A STONER JESUS IS AN ASSHOLE JESUS SAYS NO HOMO AFTER EVERY SENTENCE JESUS WANTS TO FUCK YOUR OLDER BROTHER JESUS IS A LIABILITY JESUS’ PARENTS ARE RICH JESUS SHOPLIFTS AT HOLLISTER JESUS JUST WANTS A THRILL JESUS GIVES YOU HOLLISTER JEANS JUST SO HE CAN GET YOU INTO THEM JESUS THINKS YOU ARE AN SJW JESUS DOESN’T CARE ABOUT POLITICS JESUS THINKS THE LIBERALS SHOULD STOP WHINING JESUS IS COOL JESUS GIVES BAD HEAD JESUS IS SOOOOOO PROGRESSIVE, JESUS EATS GIRLS OUT ON THEIR PERIOD
JESUS IS ON ACCUTANE, OXY, HE DID COKE AT A PARTY ONCE, JESUS IS SO WHITE HIS NOSE IS SO WHITE, HIS MOM HAD A RHINOPLASTY DONE A LONG TIME AGO. JESUS DOESN’T TALK ABOUT IT JESUS IS A TEENAGE BOY JESUS CAN’T STOP STARING IN THE MIRROR AND CRYING. JESUS SAYS HE ONLY WATCHES LESBIAN PORN BUT THAT’S A LIE. JESUS IS A LIAR AND A FAKE. YOU KNOW THIS BECAUSE YOU WENT THROUGH HIS PHONE TO SEE IF HE WAS TEXTING ANY OTHER GIRLS AND THEN YOU WENT THROUGH HIS SEARCH HISTORY AND YOU SAW THAT HE LOOKS UP ‘SAD GIRLS’ ON PORNHUB. YOU BROKE UP WITH JESUS BECAUSE HE DOESN’T LISTEN TO LANA DEL REY. JESUS DMS YOU THREE YEARS LATER AND SAYS YOU HAVE A NICE ASS. AND THAT HE CAN’T STOP CRYING.
JESUS DROPPED OUT OF COLLEGE JESUS LOVES BROCKHAMPTON JESUS WORKS AT THE WALGREENS RIGHT BY YOUR HOUSE JESUS IS ON CLOZORYL, PRESCRIBED, AND YOU ARE ON XANAX. JESUS FUCKS YOU ONE LAST TIME IN THE PET AISLE, YOUR BEST FRIEND IS DISAPPOINTED, YOUR BEST FRIEND COMMENTS ON ALL OF JESUS’ INSTAGRAM PICTURES THAT HE IS A FURRY. JESUS DOESN’T SEE IT. JESUS ISN’T GHOSTING YOU, JESUS HAS DEPRESSION. JESUS GAVE YOU YOUR FIRST EDIBLE WHEN YOU WERE BOTH FIFTEEN. JESUS ROMANTICIZES MENTAL ILLNESS JESUS JUST WANTS TO BE FIFTEEN AGAIN JESUS THOUGHT THE FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL AT THE MALL WAS ACTUALLY 20 HE SAYS OMG SHIT SORRY SORRY SORRY CALL ME IN 5 YEARS JESUS IS SO HOT JESUS HAS A BEARD JESUS HAS A SKATEBOARD JESUS IS AN ENTREPRENEUR FIVE YEARS AGO JESUS TWEETED HE WANTED TO FUCK MELANIA TRUMP BUT IT'S OK IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO LIKE WAY WAY BEFORE YOU WERE BOTH IN LOVE AND STRUNG OUT
JESUS ISN’T EVEN THAT RELIGIOUS
Diary entry June 21st 2018 This girl presented her junior project in my health class about STDs and gonorrhea and the boys in the back laughed and held their breath until she said “does anybody have any questions for me?” And one of the boys said “why did you choose this topic?” because she wrote about STDs like hahaha she’s a slut for sure and or a disgusting person. She’s a pervert either way for being honest. I liked her topic. I liked the idea of girls standing up in academic environments and talking about vaginal discharge. Very cool.
4:40 PM Monday July 30th Sitting outside front steps of library My voice is a whisper. Like how ranjani’s voice was when she came out of the hospital. My voice is a whisper and a lot feels wrong. Ppl want me to write things like “life is beautiful ! i stay alive for summer, i stay alive for the birds at five t 5am, motherly librarians. Well some of us stay alive for well endowed librarians, the smell of nail polish, sex, food. Some people stay because they are addicted to certain material aspects and that’s good, that’s fine, lucky (or unlucky) for them, for living in a very surface-level kind of way. Some girls at school want to go to college and then get a boyfriend and then have babies and die. Some of them have already named their babies. Last year E said in bio, “I want to name my baby Alex. What do you think about the name Alex? Isn’t that SUCH a cute name? And I didn’t know what to say because I don’t think about the future. Only the past. I don’t really think about babies. I don’t know about the name Alex. I don’t even know about my own name.
Ananya in India is very different than Ananya in white America. Ananya in Caucasia is unpronounceable. A stutter and an awkward smile. Can I call you Amy, the white lady at the senior center said (lol). Sure. You can call me Amy. Call me whatever you want. Pretend I’m not even here I would really like to disappear. My mind is so corrupt. I feel like a dude. Sorry for that well endowed librarian metaphor. I need meds.
Yea I’m on lexapro but I am still a mess. I haven’t been feeling like writing lately. I will probably skip school tomorrow. I am going to be an adult soon. Everything is so unreal. Thank you for indulging in this. Bye, love you, see you soon, text me.
sept 2018 ananya iyer pandya