a zine by ananya pandya
GOD
ISSUE #2
DO YOU WANT GOD TO CYBERBULLY YOU TOO? I am 17 and totally existential. i’ve been thinking about God a lot. I’ve been thinking about God & man buns & groupies & rockstars & cults and i’m supposed to be thinking about my future & college but i feel light years away. I’m so old. I’m so tired. I’m thinking about heaven. And God. I want God to dm me. I want God to cyberbully me. I’ll take anything. I need a sign. I need someone to tell me, yes, this is real, yes, you are real, all your internal traumas are real. This past summer I was hospitalized for various illnesses I inflicted on myself, I took my natural life functions--breathing, eating, walking, sleeping, and perverted them. I thought about death and heaven excessively. I thought about dying & I thought about Ariana Grande & fat Indian mothers & Mahatma Gandhi & girls who worship. I thought about the universe/the hole, my holes, the importance of living & dying & most of all being a pervert. I am almost 18 and I am still incredibly unholy. This zine is about that. Thanks for reading this + feeling stuff w me. We don’t need God when we can cyberbully each other.
<3 Ananya
India. can I just make love to all the fat mothers and all the fat mothers before them? can we all just sit in a circle, read Oprah and say how did Lindsay Lohan do it? can I pour one out for all the girls leaking pee & tears & mush because you know it’s all mush and rolls & prison and do you believe me when I say I was butter and when I was butter I gave birth to a baby and I was a mother for like 10 seconds but I got rid of it because I loved myself too much to contain anybody besides myself? every morning before school Dharini’s mother braids her hair and slathers her neck with coconut oil and she comes to school smelling like my fat belly indian uncles and she has so many boyfriends you’d think she could never possibly want for anything but she’s 17 and she eats tofurkey like rah rah rah meat is murder and she wants to be fat without really being fat but like a mother and not like a man and like a Good Person.
I wish I could be a Good Person by simply naming my baby after Mohandas Gandhi I wish I could be a man by putting all my discharge in my stomach so I wouldn’t have to let go of my yucky leaks so some lady doctor wouldn’t have to deliver it out of me so I wouldn’t have to give birth to my sadness so I wouldn’t have to sacrifice myself for some other girl to sacrifice herself for some other girl to sacrifice herself for some other girl to sacrifice herself for some other girl while all the fat brown mothers stand patiently, braiding hair and breathing through their puny oiled mustaches. can I just say I don’t know any girls who haven’t at least tried throwing themselves into funeral fires?
Ariana Grande they played god is a woman on the radio while god was getting blown on Route 27. my dad says the massage stores on route 27 are a front for sex work. I’m like, what’s the issue here, god is a woman. the issues are the men with man buns and the women with names starbucks cashiers never misspell the ones who make bread off my back my tears and my ass. i’m like, can you actually sell teenage girl depression will all my friends buy it can we all just relaaaaaaaaax and get bubble tea yesterday lil wayne performed at the pornhub awards. today i filmed myself for other girls (but it will always be for men, men with man buns) i can’t remember what i ate yesterday but i remember hugging a woman and not being the first to let go i told an older white couple i loved being a part of something and the man made the porn joke i was so relieved and thrilled by the context i went home, put all my stuff in a box, sat on a corner of the neighborhood and sold everything for free. if you are me all you need is a body if you are a man all you need is a bun i have 3 nipples and 3 eyes and 3 holes but i am still not enough for myself and all i care about is money and men and money and men
morriesey died masterbating on the toilet or was that robert smith idk who even cares about death i want to be an old man i want you to be uncomfortably attracted to me though i will work at urban outfitters i will have five metal rings in my ear i will have a cult following purely consisting of teenage girls with charles manson posters in their bedrooms. when i was 12 i went to a sleepover party and Marie tongue kissed the justin bieber poster on her door and i was the only one in the room who didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t laugh at her. Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s wrong with marrying for money? when i die i will be so rich. i will be an old white man who doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want for things i will be so charitable, i will give give give i will shit in my gold toilet, i will stick my dick everywhere. everyone will be lucky to have me i will provide for all the women i will give give give
GILF MANIFESTO
Bde soliloquy
my cunt eats low fat chicken chow mein my cunt canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even pronounce samosa my cunt dropped out in 3rd grade my cunt watches wwe my cunt crushes beer cans with its forehead my cunt thinks your mother is a cunt
my cunt was a boy so coveted and glorified, teenage girls wrote diary entries about my cunt, my cunt was charles manson but fatter & infinitely more powerful like a dude pressing his fingers together going hahmmmmmmmm hahmmmmm my cunt made money off of your pain my cunt tagged you on instagram my cunt weeped for all the dead bodies my cunt a byproduct bottlefed loser
Untitled. i printed a picture of a pussy and pledged allegiance to it to oram’s chest hair. i put a pussy sign on my front lawn and begged everyone to come in sit and eat beef stew with me. i sent an audition tape to tlc’s my strange addiction and i never heard from them. i chewed up tissues and called MOMA. i called your dad i said is this art people who suffer just want some recognition. i feel bad for the girls who frame their toenails and never hear from MOMA. i feel bad for the girl with one spiky black nose hair i feel bad for the girl with one spiky black nose hair growing out of the central tip of her nose it’s not nice to stare but it’s also not nice to be so full of yourself, so fat of yourself i am hungry all the time but one day i will be so moist and big and plentiful i’ll get my hairy pussy printed on every flag and on every billboard i’ll even eat my kids i won’t want everything
adalina.
i wrote the plumber ass crack manifesto when i was 17 & i was a boy watching porn in the back of the class feeling happy for once Little tiny deaths flutter around me my g string of depression. adalina wears a thong because she is depressed. adalina is so futuristic and fun i know for sure she is going to kill me one day and i am going to lie there and take it like a Good Friend.
17 year old boys read the communist manifesto and tell me i am smart, doing well could be more intelligent. i asked the man on omegle if he would die for me and he was like yeaaaa...i will come for you and cum for you
Ananya Pandya October 2018 thanks for reading i love you find me on omegle or instagram @jesuswasajock n thank you to my friend/god/girl brianna for taking this picture ily too much itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s weird