THE SEXY RING GIRLS OF HARD KNOCKS FIGHTING PROUDLY CANADIAN
ENTERTAINING MEN SINCE 2001
2010
SEASON PREVIEW VALERIE ROSS SHOWS YOU HER
POKER FACE A SALUTE TO
CANADIAN
WHISKY 2010 ::: VOLUME 3 ::: ISSUE #32
PM 41481024
$4.95
Tommy Chong THE LIFE AND TIMES OF
... AND WHAT A LIFE IT’S BEEN!
vexmagazine.com
contents
2010:Vol.3:Issue#32
18 nathalie grzech
What three things are major turn-ons for our latest Fresh Faces girl? Flip to P18 and find out for yourself. 28 SUGAR DADDY 101
Have you ever thought about being some young hotties sugar daddy? Jennifer Carter breaks down the pros and cons.
44 TOMMY CHONG
By all accounts, he should be dead by now. Lucky for us Tommy’s still smokin’!
52 CFL 2010 SEASON PREVIEW
Ah, it’s summertime. Green grass, cold beer, girls in shorts and 350lbs guys hammering the crap out of each other. God, we love football!
58 FOR THE LOVE OF GODDO!
His music helped form a generation. And Canadian rock legend, Greg Godovitz, is still getting hate mail from our parents.
ON THE COVER: Tommy Chong photograph by Neil Visel On This Page: Photograph by 323PhotoGrafix.com
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contents 2010:Vol.3:Issue#32 8 LETTERS
p16
Another collection of your love letters and death threats.
10 JOKES
If laughter is the best medicine, why don’t they just sell nitrous oxide over the counter?
12 OUT & ABOUT
p20
Candid snaps from the 5th Annual Henry Burris All-Star Weekend, the Calgary International Beer Fest and Hard Knocks Fighting Championship 7.
20 VEXOLOGY
Happy Canada Day, everybody! Let’s get pissed!
22 FITNESS
You’re gonna have to burn off all those mini donuts somehow.
p24
24 MUSIC/MOVIES
Courtney Love and Lesbian Vampires. Is there actually a difference?
26 GEARED UP
We just filled your vehicular spank bank for another couple of months.
32 LADIES OF COMBAT
You voted for them, so here they are ... your Top 3 winners. The scintillating Ring Girls from HKFC7.
40 COMIC STRIPPED
Joe V personifies Sesame Street’s One of These Things is Not Like the Other.
50 GIRL SPOTTING
p26
Becky Burbank
60 VALERIE ROSS
Think you could keep your mind on the game (not to mention, your eyes in your head) if you were at the poker table with her?
64 PARTING SHOT Sarah Howard
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PUBLISHER / EDITOR IN CHIEF
Mark G. Bilodeau Vice President
Jeremy Nielsen Assistant Editor
Christopher Bloomfield Artistic Director
David Aaronson Director of Design
Andrew DeVore Senior Designer
Damian Fehmel Executive Assistant Andrew “McLovin” Corry Production / Pre-Press Assistant
Bonny Leung
Chief Photographer
Trevor Howell | www.323PhotoGrafix.com Contributing Photographers
Mark G. Bilodeau, Mike Bradley, David Ford, Jeremy Nielsen, Eric Sit, Colin Smith, Neil Visel Contributing Writers
J.D. Bermudez, Jennifer Carter, Seth Miller, David Nuttall, Bill Robinson, Valerie Ross, Nic Russo, Joe Vespaziani Graphic & Web Design
Mathieu Prouse PrePress
Russell Greenlay Advertising Inquiries:
Alberta Sales Office Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4 (403) 520-0116 info@vexmagazine.com Distributed by
VEX Magazine.com Ltd. Canada Post VM is published six times per year by © 2008 VEX Magazine.com Ltd. All Rights Reserved. PM41481024 Return undeliverable items to: VEX Magazine.com Ltd. Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4 info@vexmagazine.com www.vexmagazine.com GST# 86889 5715 RT0001
All Trademarks presented in this magazine are owned by the registered owner. All advertisements appearing in this magazine are the sole responsibility of the person, business or corporation advertising their product or service. For more information on VEX Magazine’s Privacy Policy and Intention of Use, please see our website at www.vexmagazine.com. All content, photographs and articles appearing in this magazine are represented by the contributor as original content and the contributor will hold VEX Magazine Ltd. harmless against any and all damages that may arise from their contribution. All public correspondence, which may include, but is not limited to letters, e-mail, images and contact information, received by VEX Magazine becomes the property of VEX Magazine.com Ltd. and is subject to publication. To have unsolicited manuscripts, photographs and other material returned, it must be accompanied by a self-addressed return envelope with postage pre-paid. VEX Magazine is not responsible for loss, damage, or any other injury to unsolicited manuscripts, photographs, artwork or material. Reproduction of this publication in whole or in part without written consent from the publisher is strictly prohibited.
letters
SING OUR PRAISES OR GIVE US A BLINDING JUNK PUNCH. Drop us a line at info@vexmagazine.com and take your best shot!
Hello Pulitzer!
Go Fish
Boys’ Night Bender
Marquis de Sean
I just got through reading your article, Apocalypse Now, in your latest issue, and I think you guys nailed it right from the article’s bi-line ... we guys may have a reputation for being pretty shallow and insensitive at times, but there are some of us who actually give a shit about the environmental crisis our planet is going through. I thought it was great that you guys devoted some pages to a serious issue and did some journalism for a change. My congratulations to you. Noah Boyd via e-mail You betcha, Noah. That’s our new direction, here at VM ... hard-hitting journalism all the way. In our next issue, we’re doing an in-depth exclusive exposé on the affects of excessive alcohol on hot exotic dancers. We’re actually planning a little research this weekend!
THAIing ONE ON!
OK, so the sinfully beautiful Jennifer Nguyen is actually Vietnamese, not Thai, but the whole playon-words thing would sound pretty flippin’ stupid if we said Vietnameseing one on, now wouldn’t it?
Moniker Misfortune
Once again, guys, you have delivered yet another outstanding issue! The photos of Jennifer Nguyen were so hot, I literally cried myself to sleep. Way to go! Cuco Shafiebeik via e-mail We certainly appreciate the kind words, Cuco, but are you sure it was the pictures your were crying over and not that handle your parents saddled you with? 8 vexmagazine.com
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A group of us decided to follow your lead and we got together for a bit of a beer tasting night of our own. We weren’t able to find all of the beers you featured in your issue (24X4: Issue #31), but we did manage to get 17 of them. There were eight of us in total and it was my idea, so I was the odd man out who had to buy the extra 6pk. Whatever ... we still had a blast! It was a case of beer each in one sitting. My buddy, Sean, wound up yacking in my kitchen sink. Good times! Thanks for the inspiration VEX. Trevor via e-mail Wow, Trevor, you had to by the extra 6pk AND someone blew chunks in your sink? Nice group of buddies you got there. Write back to us and let us know the seven beers you didn’t find. We’ll have them delivered to you for your own private consumption. (ain’t we awesome?) Tell those freeloaders they can pound sand ... after they clean out your sink, that is.
Now that I’ve read your article about how to know whether or not your girlfriend is cheating on you (Issue #31), you guys got me really nervous! Me and my girlfriend are only having sex maybe two or three times a month now, she rarely tells me that she loves me anymore and she’s always putting in extra time at work or going out with her friends for drinks. How worried do you think I should be? Kyle P. via e-mail Listen, Kyle, our article was only written as a general guideline and for entertainment purposes. It’s not scientific fact. You’re girlfriend is probably every bit as in love with you now as she ever was, ok? Then again, you may just want to err on the side of caution and toss the bitch’s stuff into the trash can in the alley. And don’t forget to change the locks, bro. Semper fi!
That story about the guy getting pummelled in the nuts by a kangaroo was priceless! I laughed so hard my stomach muscles were sore the next day. Sean via e-mail So glad you enjoyed it, Sean. We’ll be sure to let Joe V know just how much joy he brought you by having to sacrifice his left testicle. Sadist!
Worm Hole
Hey, thanks for the knowledge, you guys. I always thought tequila and mezcal were the same thing. Unfortunately, you really didn’t go on to say what mezcal actually is in your article, just that it’s different. I wouldn’t mind finding out one day. Blaine W. via e-mail We actually looked into it, Blaine, and found out for you. Unfortunately, we got so hammered doing our research, we’ve forgotten what we learned.
jokes
[ [ Chuck was in a restaurant when he realized he desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, he started to feel better, but as he finished his coffee, he noticed that everybody was staring at him ...
Chuck suddenly remembered that he was listening to his iPod.
Great Timing
Pucker Up!
A man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
A man escapes from prison after serving fifteen years. He breaks into a house to look for money and clothes and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, leans into her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. He’s probably very dangerous and will kill us if he gets angry. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
“No,” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-theart watch and I was just testing it.” The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?” “It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains. “What’s it telling you now?” she asked. “Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.” he said. The woman giggles and replies, “Well then it must be broken because I am wearing panties!” The man replies, “Damn thing must be running an hour fast.”
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His wife replied, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”
ISSUE #32
BUSTIN’ A GUT! COMEDIANS TALK ABOUT GOING TO THE GYM AND THE JOYS OF WORKING OUT.
Jamie Lissow There’s one guy yelling at me in there. I’ve never even met him, he’s going nuts: ‘C’mon man, you gotta want it! C’mon, man, push it now! Come on! Push it now!’ I’m like, ‘Hey man, one guy per stall.’
Ted Alexandro They’re always asking each other what part of the bodies they’re working out that day. They’re like, ‘What are you working out today?’ ‘Back and bi’s. What are you working out?’ ‘Ass and head.’ I had no idea. First time I went, they were like, ‘What are you working out today?’ I was like, ‘Childhood issues.’
TITLE SHOT!
Gregg Rogell Joggers tell you that when they run, they get a runner’s high. I’m not sure what they mean by that, but if they mean puking all over myself and collapsing, I was pretty wasted.
CAN YOU DO BETTER?
$
LAST ISSUE’S WINNER
“This must be where Dane Cook performed last night.” - Stu Plimpton
We appreciate the effort, fellas, but it’s just not the same when they’re man-boobs. Can you come up with a better caption for this picture? Send it to us at info@vexmagazine.com and the winning entry will not only be published in the next issue of VM, but we’ll also send you this wicked cool VM t-shirt absolutely free!
out&about The 5th Annual Henry Burris
ALL-STAR WEEKEND It was a gorgeous day out on the links (... it snowed on us last year!) with CFL players from around the league, both current and alumni, Olympic athletes, local celebs and, of course, the always lovely Calgary Stampeder Outrider Cheerleaders. What a great day! PHOTOS BY MIKE BRADLEY
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out&about 2010 CALGARY INTERNATIONAL
BEERFEST
How do you go wrong with loud music, playoff hockey on a giant screen, sexy VEX Girls and literally hundreds of different beers being poured on a whim for your enjoyment? We even got a visit from VEX covergirl, Marcie Lynn! Of course, there’s always one in every crowd, and this year’s grand-prize winning d-bag tried pulling a Fred Astaire move over the back of one of our La-Z-Boys. Nice to see you can handle your 3oz samples, dude! All of these people seemed to be having a pretty good time though. Can’t wait to see you all next year! PHOTOS BY MIKE BRADLEY
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out&about HARD KNOCKS FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP 7
If you took the time to go to vexmagazine.com and cast your vote in last issue’s Ladies of Combat Ring Girl Competition, we hope you at least made it out to HK7 to watch the winners strut their stuff. Karlie, Ivana and Casey Joe were a pleasant distraction from all the blood-letting that was going on inside the cage. PHOTOS BY MIKE BRADLEY
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fresh faces Nathalie Grzech
photographed by 323PhotoGrafix.com
This drop-dead gorgeous girl from Eckville, AB, is all about playing sports, working out, camping, riding and just plain staying active. Name three things that are major turn-ons for you. Tattoos, muscles and bikes. How about three turn-offs? Body odor, cocky men and lineups. What’s in the iPod right now? Lots of girly dance music and a few heavy metal songs for those really sluggish days. Dumbest sport ever? I’d have to say darts. Nobody really cares how well you can throw a dart. And it certainly isn’t number one on the sexy list.
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David N uttall presiden is the t of Epi (www.e curean Calga ry picure ancalg ary.co and m m) Enoteca anager of Li and Spe quor Store ci al ty W (www.e njoywin ines e.ca)
VEXOLOGY
THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF WHISKY
(Part 1 of a 4-part series.)
OH, CANADA! W
BY DAVID NUTTALL
hisky (or whiskey) is one of the most diverse spirits on the planet. Whether Canadian or Scottish whisky, or American or Irish whiskey (yes, spelling counts), they all consist of somewhat similar ingredients and are made in comparable methods, however, they remain unique and individual spirits, not interchangeable parts of the group. Hence, the four main categories shall be treated separately in this column, with Canadian whisky being the topic in this edition, in celebration of Canada Day, which, agreed, is only three days from American Independence Day, but hey, we’re Canadian and it’s our magazine, so take off, eh, you Yankee hosers!
Canadian whisky has been around for over 200 years, established and distilled by Scottish and Irish immigrants who needed to use indigenous grains and slightly different processes then they could use in the old country. With over 200 distilleries producing rye by the mid-1800s, it became the liquor of choice as the country expanded west. So much so that the spirit became a currency of trade with the native peoples. The social, economic and physical problems this caused the aboriginal population resulted in the Canadian government forming the North-West Mounted Police (later the Royal Canadian Mounted Police) in 1873, whose mandate was to curb, if not outright eradicate, the trade of whisky between fur traders and the natives.
By law, a Canadian whisky must be mashed, distilled and aged for at least three years in a wooden barrel in Canada. The mash may consist of several grains; corn, barley malt and rye being the most prominent, the latter giving Canadian whisky its common name of Rye. This whisky is most often a blend of not only different grains, but different years and sometimes different whiskys too.
While Canadian whisky increased in popularity around the world through the 19th century, it is during Prohibition in the United States from 1920 to 1933 that led to several Canadian whisky companies becoming giants. Not only was the whisky smuggled or “imported” across the U.S.- Canada border in great quantities (reputably by Joseph P. Kennedy Sr., among others), some U.S. distilleries near the border closed down and moved across to Canada in
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order to stay in production. Whisky smuggling had become an organized criminal activity, led by Al Capone, whose gang was responsible for the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, the brutal slaying of seven rival gang members in February 1929, over a shipment of Canadian whisky. This led to the U.S. government establishing a special unit of the Bureau of Prohibition, then a branch of the Department of Justice, who were in charge of shutting down Capone’s beer and liquor empire. When they failed to fall for Capone’s attempted bribes, the media dubbed the team, headed by Eliot Ness, “The Untouchables”. Even after Prohibition was abolished in 1933, Canada still had the most accessible inventory of aged whisky, so Canadian whisky continued to grow in popularity right through until after World War II. Today, while sales have somewhat leveled off over the past decade or so, it still remains probably the most accessible of the four main whiskys. With new single barrel and double cask varieties, Canadian whisky continues to try and recapture its traditional market share.
FITNESS
midway meltdown A seven-step circuit from fitness expert, Nic Russo, that’ll help burn off all those nasty Stampede and K-Days corndogs. The thing to keep in mind with this circuit is technique. Be sure to perform every exercise with the proper form. Each exercise is to be done to failure, which means that as soon as you’re too fatigued to keep the proper form, it’s time to move onto the next exercise. And just to add a little extra punishment, there’s no resting between exercises. So let’s get moving, maggots!
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5
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1. V-Sits Start on your back, with your arms stretched over your head and your feet eight inches off the ground. Bring hands to feet simultaneously. 2. Russian Twists Upper body and feet raised, both to about 45º off the ground. Twist side-to-side at the waist, keeping your feet up. 3. Leaping Lunges Start in a forward lunge, keeping your back straight. From that position, jump straight up and land, softly lowering yourself into a lunge on the opposite side. 4. Incline Push-Ups Put your feet up on the coffee table or a park bench and do basic push-ups. 5. Bench Dips Using the same table or bench, do tricep dips, remembering to keep your back straight. 6. Tuck Jumps Start in a squat position and jump straight up as high as you can, pulling yourself into a tuck position. Then land back in the squat position. 7. Run Pretty self-explanatory. Just be sure to keep it up for at least 15-20 minutes.
MUSIC/MOVIES
ON THIS DAY IN MUSIC HISTORY
Fresh From The Studio THE LATEST MUSIC YOU SHOULD OWN.
JULY 14, 1987
Steve Miller gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame..
JULY 20, 1975
JULY 21, 1990
BBC Radio One issued an apology to their listeners after they broadcast a live performance by Madonna, during which she repeatedly used profanity.
LOVE SONGS SHE’S BAAAAAACK!!!
The one thing you could always count on for the past several years was the fact that Courtney Love was always there when some late night talk show host or stand-up comic needed some new material. Nobody ever counted on her actually doing something constructive with her time during one of her many stints in rehab. But she’s shocked us all and has come out with her first album since 2004’s America’s Sweetheart. It also marks the first Hole album in more than a decade. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Nobody’s Daughter. The tracks are dark, mean, hard and dare we say, brilliant. Who’da thunk it?
STEVE MILLER BAND BINGO! Listen carefully ... Run, don’t walk, to your nearest music store and grab this album! This is Steve Miller at his absolute bluesy best. We ain’t talkin’ no Abracadabra here!
JULY 24, 1990
A wrongful death suit is filed against Judas Priest in Reno, NV. Parents alleged the band’s Stained Class album contained subliminal messages that drove two teenagers to attempt suicide. A judge cleared the band of the charges.
JULY 25, 1990
Roseanne Barr was booed by angry baseball fans in San Diego when she ‘sang’ the U.S. national anthem before a Padres game.
NAS & DAMIAN MARLEY DISTANT RELATIVES Just when we thought we couldn’t stand another rap song, these two get together and produce an amazing hip-hop/reggae collaboration that deserves its own genre.
BITE ME ... PLEASE! AN INSTANT CULT CLASSIC.
When director, Phil Claydon, picked up this movie about vampire hotties with great bodies, he chose to turn them into slime upon death, as opposed to the usual dust or bursting into flames. “I covered James in vampire gunk at every opportunity because that made me laugh,” he said of James Cordon who plays Fletch in the film.
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INFANT SORROW GET HIM TO THE GREEK Recording as his notorious character, Aldous Snow, this album featuring Russell Brand is too ridiculous to pass up. A classic example of this actor’s comic genius.
Lesbian Vampire Killers © 2008 Alliance Atlantis Releasing Limited/Velvet Bite Ltd./AV Pictures Limited. All Rights Reserved. Distributed exclusively in Canada by Alliance Films.
Steve Van Zandt (you know him best as Silvio Dante in The Sopranos) performed in concert as a member of Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band for the first time.
GEARED UP GENTLEMEN, START YOUR DROOLING! THE PORSCHE 911 GT2 RS IS THE MOST POWERFUL STREET-LEGAL MACHINE EVER PRODUCED BY THE GERMAN CAR MANUFACTURER. SADLY, FOR THE VAST MAJORITY OF US, OWNING THIS RIDE IS ON PAR WITH DATING A VICTORIA’S SECRET MODEL ... PURE FANTASY!
HER INNER BEAUTY As expected, the GT2 RS comes euqipped with all the trimmings. Sport bucket seats, covered with leather and Alcantara (a specially designed material composite that provides a better grip), tilt and telescopic steering, an optional nine-speaker MP3 compatible sound system, a full GPS navigational system and a hands-free Bluetooth connection so you can keep your hands on the wheel.
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GRIP IT ’N RIP IT SPEC SHEET Price: $250,000.00 Engine: 3.6L 6-Cylinder Horsepower: 620 Torque: 516 lb-ft at 5500 rpm 0-100km/h: under 3.5 seconds Top speed: 330km/h Available: October 2010
THE HAPPY FEW It’s true, you might not be able to swing a dead cat in Alberta without smacking a millionaire ... so there’s no shortage of people who can actually afford this velocious trinket in our province ... but with only 500 units being produced, even the most affluent oil magnates in Wild Rose country are going to be left out in the cold.
With all that raw power under the hood, the designers at Porsche took into account that anyone who drives this beast is gonna want to open ’er up every chance they get. So in order to make sure you stay on the road when you bury the needle, they’ve included customized 245/35 ZR 19 (front) and 325/30 ZR 19 (rear) sport tires, available only on this vehicle.
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sex WITH JENNIFER CARTER IMAGES BY PABLO B
WHO’S YOUR DADDY?!!
ARE YOU READY TO BE SOMEONE’S SUGAR DADDY?
T
here are a few key sexual fantasies that guys typically have; sleeping with a favourite celebrity, the ever-popular threesome and of course, being a highly respected sugar daddy. Highly respected by your buddies anyway ... or is it simply jealousy? No matter. It’s all one big ego stroke no matter how you break it down. The sugar daddy formula is a relatively simple one; a very well-off, and most commonly older, gentleman who prefers to invest his time in his work and amassing more wealth than in developing personal relationships. However, borderline workaholic or not, he’s still a man and as such has certain physical needs that, generally speaking, can only be satisfied by the softer sex. Introducing the softer sex. Often a younger, attractive woman, anywhere from 19 to 24 years old. She’s hot, she’s sexy and she’ll likely make an appearance on page 32 of this magazine at some point in time. She has needs too. And those might vary. She might be trying to get through college or university and doesn’t have time for a part-time job to earn her own money. She might enjoy traveling, but rarely possesses the finances to head off anywhere. It’s possible she’s eager to rub elbows with the hobnobbery of the city’s affluent and elite to work her way into that social circle and lifestyle. Or perhaps she’s just a big fan of expensive clothing, fancy jewellery and five-star restaurants. In any case, her needs are basically satisfied by one thing; money. So now Mr. Workaholic (sugar daddy) meets little Miss Hottie (sugar baby). She’s more than capable of fulfilling his physical needs and his wallet is plenty fat enough to satisfy hers, whatever they may be. It’s a match made in heaven, right? Well ... Let’s break down some of the pros and cons
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to being a sugar daddy. There are cons, you ask? Yes, as a matter of fact, and some pretty big ones at that. But first, let’s give you a little treat and have a look at the pros, shall we? THE EGO BOOST Guys who take on sugar babies are typically at an age when they’re beginning to wonder whether or not they’ve still got it. They need to know they still possess that potent virility that was ever present when they were younger. And having a young, beautiful female on your arm ... not to mention, in your bed ... is a pretty good way to restore that fragile libido. And what will your buddies be thinking when they see you wining and dining with this gorgeous creature? Their jaws will be on the floor and their tongues will be wagging. To them, you’re a hero. And man, does that ever feel good!
NO STRINGS Another nice thing about this particular arrangement is that the emotional involvement is kept to a bare minimum. You don’t have the time to worry about her friend Tiffany’s nervous breakdown. Nor do you really care if your sugar baby feels some obligatory need to rush over to her and console her in her time of distress. You’d rather be checking on the day’s trade numbers or giving the blueprints of that whatchamacallit you designed another once over. And that’s the beauty of it. She also doesn’t feel the need to burden you with all that luggage because she’s not looking to you for emotional comfort. All she wants from you is an elegant roof over her head, chateaubriand in her tummy and whatever high-end brand name that’s fashionable at the time on her back. No problem. KEEPING VIAGRA IN BUSINESS Probably the best fringe benefit of this kind
SEX
of non-committal relationship is the vastly improved sex life. She’s young, she’s hot, everything still bounces the right way and she’s got energy to burn. Provided she’s relatively liberated, sexually speaking, it’s like having your own little porn star at your beck and call. And you know that never gets boring. So what could possibly be the downside to this scenario? THE TANTRUM One thing you’re going to have to remember is the age of your sugar baby and what that could mean if she were to somehow not get her way. You’ve seen that four-year old in the department store who has a Chernobyl-esque meltdown because he didn’t get the action figure he was wanting? Club Med compared to the damage your pretty young thing could do if you somehow rubbed her the wrong way. Imagine her going DEFCON 5 on your ass when you’re at some fancy do with all of the most influential and powerful people you know standing around to witness her tirade. How eager do you think they’ll be to invest in your next venture now?
Bobbit? You’d better hide anything you might have in the house with an edge. Knives, scissors, razors, nail clippers ... anything!
young, she’s pretty, she’s smart, she’s young, she’s fun, she’s great in bed, she’s young ... Are you starting to see the pattern here?
But don’t worry. Her conniption won’t last forever. It’ll just feel like it.
Eventually time catches up with all of us. And some of us don’t age as well as others, no matter how great we might have looked in our youth. The other day I bumped into a girl I went to high school with who was insanely popular with the guys back then. I mean, she had a lineup of guys wanting to take her to grad. Well, let me tell you, my friend, time has kicked about seven different kinds of shit out of her. And the worst thing is, she’s still single and without any children. She doesn’t even have that to blame it on! My point is, the time is going to come when your sugar baby isn’t going to be able to pull off the ‘baby’ part anymore. And now, even though you may still be holding up your end of the deal with all of those material aphrodisiacs, she’s not putting the same snap in your turtle that she used to. And the problem here is that she isn’t a car. You can’t just take her back to the bar and trade her in on a younger model. Oh you may think you can ... hell, you might even give it a try. But for that I’m afraid I have only one thing to say ... see the section on TANTRUM.
AN EMOTIONAL SLIP The basic principle behind the success of this arrangement is emotional detachment. So what happens if all of a sudden your sugar baby starts throwing around the ‘L’ word? No problem. You just make sure you never say it back, right? The only thing is, a woman in love can be a very fragile thing, and chances are she’ll only accept your non-response for so long before she starts to interpret it as rejection. And when a woman in love, who’s also giving up porn sex on a regular basis, starts to feel rejected ... see the section on TANTRUM. So, what if she doesn’t start falling in love with you? What if she’s perfectly content with the way the relationship is and she has absolutely no emotional affection for you whatsoever? Now, what if you are the one who starts to realize that you’re feeling something a little deeper for this woman than you had initially intended?
And you haven’t even dealt with Round 2 back at home yet. That porn sex you were loving so much? Well guess who just cut you off? You ain’t gonna be getting any here, buddy. Not for a good long while. Your nuggets will be so blue by the time she’s done with you, your voice will actually rise an octave.
That’s the funny thing about emotions. They’re about as predictable as Alberta weather. They can be completely mild and calm one day and then all of a sudden you get this wild, uncontrollable rush that swoops in and engulfs you ... and you haven’t the slightest clue where it even came from in the first place.
What’s the big deal? I’ll just get my rocks off someplace else. Yeah, ok ... you go ahead and do that, my friend. Remember Lorena
TIME MARCHES ON Think, for a moment, why you chose this particular girl to be your sugar baby. She’s
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So even though there are a lot of perks to becoming a sugar daddy, you have to stop and think about the downsides before you leap into this kind of a decision. Life is about balance. How are we to know how good ‘good’ actually is if we don’t also have to suffer through the bad once in a while? You’ll just have to decide for yourself whether or not the kind of good you get from being a sugar daddy outweighs the bad that come along with it.
and the winners are ... YOU MADE THE CALL: 19 CONTESTANTS ... 23,000 VOTES ... AND THESE 3 KNOCKOUTS CAME OUT ON TOP!
Ladies of PHOTOGRAPHY BY COLIN SMITH Shot on location at Independent MMA in Calgary, AB. T-shirts provided by Guardian Gear Gloves and hand-wraps provided by Hard Knocks Fighting
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Ivana Valentine HEIGHT: BODY:
5’ 3” 32C-25-34
Tell us about your first MMA experience? I worked at a nightclub and a few of the door staff were fighters. One of them invited me to his fight. It was an unbelievable experience: being so close to the fighters, hearing the punches and kicks was the most exciting thing I had ever seen. Would you be nervous dating a fighter? Not at all! Most of the fighters I know are very calm, sweet and respectful men who are always willing to stand up for a woman. What they do in the ring is a sport ... not an expression of anger or violent tendencies. If you could step into the cage to kick the crap out of someone, who would it be? That Edward from Twilight. I am so sick of his vacant, boring and mind-numbing stares ... and his photos are everywhere. I would kick his vampire butt into daylight, if I could. Did you enjoy the photo shoot? Hmmm, let’s see ... three hot girls, barelythere uniforms, sweaty, in a gym and the incredible Colin Smith doing the photography. I loved it all! It was so much fun working with Casey Joe, Karlie and Colin. We laughed a lot and really had a blast!
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Casey Joe HEIGHT: BODY:
5’ 7” 36D-28-36
Did you have fun at HKFC7? Hooked instantly! It was very exciting and I loved the crowds chanting. I had no idea I was working a sold out show, close to a thousand people or more. The announcer surprised me on the spot and asked me if there was anything I wanted to say to the crowd. (laughs) I just said “I’m single!” It was so funny. Would you ever consider dating a fighter? I see it this way ... if we dated, we would end up in a cage match to decide what movie to watch ... and he’d get a good spanking. Would you ever consider getting in the ring to actually fight? No way! I’m sticking to Ring Girl if I’m in the cage. Did anybody hit on you at HKFC7? Yeah ... a fighter who won one of the fights was trying. It was kind of a turn off. He was holding his nose that wouldn’t stop bleeding ... kept dabbing it with a tissue. (laughs) If you could step into the cage to kick the crap out of someone, who would it be? Whoever invented Telus, for sure.
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Karlie Adams HEIGHT: BODY:
5’ 2” 32C-24-34
Tell the truth, do you even actually like MMA fighting? I’m definitely a fan. I started Greco-Roman wrestling at a young age. I was in grade six and the gym teacher told us we were going to have wrestling as a section of our P.E. curriculum for the year. I was immediately excited. What was it like being a Ring Girl at the HKFC7 event? I could definitely see myself doing it again. I’ve gotten a bit more girly in the last few years and have found my sexy side as opposed to my tomboy side. Would you ever consider getting in the ring to actually fight? Absolutely! I would gladly take a shot at it. I love the adrenaline rush so I think it would be a killer experience. What was your favourite part of HKFC7? My favourite part was being in the octagon while the guys were getting fixed up. I’ve never been in an octagon, and tip-toeing over the blood was certainly an unusual but exciting experience.
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COMIC STRIPPED
IT ONLY HURTS WHEN YOU TOUCH IT. BY JOE VESPAZIANI
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hen I hung up the phone I knew I was making a big mistake. This was back in the early 90’s when the comedy world had crested and begun to pull back like Einstein predicted. It couldn’t go on forever. Somebody had to realize that 90% of the comics polluting the airwaves had no business being on stage. I really believed I was different from them in some self-delusional way. Seattle at this time was a healthy comedy town. There were four full time comedy clubs up and running. All were bidding to be the next club to land “Skippy” from Family Ties. (I know, I didn’t get it either.) I was one of the few comics who worked all four clubs. Not because of brilliance - I just
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didn’t give a shit about the petty ‘club loyalty’ crap. I wanted work. So, this producer calls me at home and says he’s seen me a couple of times and would like me to come downtown to audition for BET (Black Entertainment Television). Those of you who don’t know by now, I’m white. At first I listened to my gut and politely declined. But, he was persuasive and insisted that I would bring some “intelligent material” that he believed BET producers were looking for. He had me at intelligent. I laughed nervously while my hand stroked my mullet – I submitted – BOOM – I’m auditioning for BET baby!! I made some calls to other comics. None of them were asked. Even a couple of
the funny black ones had no idea what I was talking about. I didn’t know what was up but I had made a commitment. I walked into the club and found the source of the vibration I had been feeling half a block away. I thought it might be a couple of Orcas getting it on in the Puget Sound, but it came from the DJ booth of the Last Laugh (don’t bother looking for this club – the chain up and vanished one night in a flurry of scandal and sexual harassment suits). I’m open to all music – if it moves me it moves me. But I can’t quite get my groove on to the poser/anger-driven “kill whitey” bullshit pumping from the speakers and stirring the bones of what turned out to be my completely black audi-
COMIC STRIPPED
ence. There were a couple of white people scattered around. Mostly large white women with the same bored, unaffected glare as their unimpressed partners. Sompin’s goin’ down G! I didn’t care that the audience was black. I’ve seen many a black man naked – my dad is a football coach. I find nothing intimidating or frightening about them in general – but this situation had me feeling uneasy. This wasn’t my scene. There were only two other light skinned performers of the 25 that were going up, a Mexican and a Jew. The Jews have the built-in “we suffered too!” thing, and the Mexican...well, he’s Mexican. When I saw the audience and the line up I questioned my choice of wearing my Bernard Goetz glasses. The producer/MC of the event greeted me with honest enthusiasm. He had me going up first – in hindsight it was a blessing. Even the Klan doesn’t want to burn a cross too early in the program. The MC introduced me and the initial eruption of enthusiasm stopped when my white ass hit the stage. I remember thinking, “If I can just get them to like my first joke...” The applause turned into a confused murmur and snide pot shots from several tables. I wanted to shout, “Hi, I’m Buddy Holly”, or “I didn’t touch Rodney King.” In drama class they talk about the fourth wall, an imaginary wall between you and the audience. You project and see what you want on that wall – it keeps you focused and undistracted by the audience. My wall was made of glass and I could see nothing but attitude and disrespect. I felt myself panic as I tried to fake confidence. I stared out into the
darkness and all I could see were eyes, teeth, and a couple of fatty’s. My first couple of jokes bombed big time – I felt myself racing faster through my material. I had lost them from the beginning. I let myself be intimidated. It was uncomfortable for everyone at this point. I wanted to leave on a laugh but that seemed impossible. Emotionally beaten, I put the mic in the stand and looked into the camera: “I want to thank you for your indifference tonight and I’d also like to thank BET for inviting me downtown so they could adjust the white balance on their cameras.” I should have opened
with that. The crowd laughed and applauded. I made my embarrassing walk off stage to the effortless smattering of appreciation. My ego had been kicked in the nuts and I wasn’t wearing a cup. Well, we don’t practice in them... I stayed and watched the other light skinned comics go up. The Mexican fared a little better, but even he tanked it. The Jew went up and did a rap song and talked like the stereotypical black man. He fared even better than we did – but at least we didn’t suck up and compromise - acting like whiggers. Suck-ass. As I was leaving the club I heard the first black performer take the stage. She was very large and full of that “talk to the hand” bullshit. The first words out of her mouth were: “Ain’t you glad those unfunny white boys is done!” The crowd erupted. I should have worn a cup. Her next line, however, would make me feel much better about myself: “Now, I’m here to tell you’s dat I gots da pussy!” Applause. I had been mislead to believe that it wasn’t going to be an “I got’s da pussy” crowd. Had I known it was going to be an “I gots da pussy” crowd I could have prepared by not coming. The producer met me at the door. He was very apologetic and embarrassed that “his people” would behave like this. I reassured him that all was okay and thanked him for the opportunity to step on my little white dick in front of a room full of racist blacks. He laughed. I told him I was going to run home and work on my “I gots da pussy” material. He laughed, “Bring it next time.” Next time? Fuck dat yo!
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TOMMY CHONG BY BILL ROBINSON PHOTOGRAPHS BY NEIL VISEL
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Deep inside the life of this worldwide icon, Tommy Chong philosophizes about marijuana, his roots in the Dogpatch, Hendrix, discovering the Jackson Five, reuniting with Cheech, jail, and his axioms on life. Make no mistake, this man has lived!
W
hen I recently sat down to talk with mass cultural icon Tommy Chong, I had no idea what to expect. My fascination with the man had continued to grow with each new piece of information I researched. The guy has lived a life of culturally defining moments that are almost Forrest Gumpian in nature. “We once got a Christmas Card from Elvis, but that was as close as we ever got to him,” Chong says goodnaturedly. “I’ve been very fortunate to live the life that I have. I’m not talking about the fame or the famous people, I’m just talking life here. I came from humble beginnings. I’ve followed my heart and it has led me to some amazing moments in time.” Humble beginnings indeed. Born on May 24, 1938 in Edmonton at the University of Alberta Hospital, the Chongs soon headed south to Calgary, where Tommy’s father, a World War II vet, purchased a house for $500. “Our house was in an area of Calgary that was known as the ‘Dog Patch’.” It’s now commonly referred to as Glendale, just off 17th Avenue and 42nd Street SW. “No electricity. No running water. Cold in the winter, man. That’s what I remember. We had to get by on about $50 a week, and that was for the whole family.” “I dropped out of Crescent Heights High School when I was 16 but probably just before they were going to throw me out anyway,” Chong laughs as he reminisces about his early years. “I played guitar to make money. I was about 16 when I discovered that music could get you laid, even if you were a scrawny, long-haired, geeky-looking guy like me.” Chong’s first band was known as The Shades. “There was a Canadian Indian, a black guy, and myself. I’m half Chinese. We were all different shades so the name just kind of fit.” The band played shows in Edmonton and Calgary, but headed to Vancouver after Donald Hugh Mackay, the mayor of Calgary at the time, asked them to leave town
after a particularly exuberent concert. It must have been quite the show. “Yeah. It was something, although I’m a little hazy on the details myself.” Still, whatever happened, it forced Tommy to head west, where greater things were in store for him. “We hadn’t been out in Vancouver too long when we won a contest at a teen fair. The prize was a recording contract. No kidding, we recorded in a stairway at a radio station. We did this record and it got released. It kind of gave me confidence to pursue things further, plus the whole musicians getting laid thing didn’t hurt.” Most people are aware of Tommy Chong’s comedic successes, but it can easily be said that he experienced a fairly successful musical career long before that. After meeting up with Motown recording artist Bobby Taylor (who incidently was hanging out with Wilt Chamberlain and Sly Stone at the time), the two of them partnered to form the band, Bobby Taylor & the Vancouvers. In 1968, the band had their biggest hit, “Does Your Mama Know About Me?”; a song co-written by Chong and Taylor. Being in the band led Chong to a fair amount of unique moments in time. “Hendrix played with us for a bit. Funniest thing about that was, I made him play bass some of the time.” Chong begins laughing hysterically as he tells the story. “Seriously, man, can you imagine? I told Jimi Hendrix he had to play bass.” Tommy and his brother started a club in Vancouver known as The Elegant Parlour. “Any time a Motown act was in Vancouver, they would come down to the club. They liked it because it was a black afterhours bar and it was considered to be pretty hip. We’d play there, (the Vancouvers), and that’s where we were discovered. The Supremes were partying at the club and they heard us. They told Berry Gordy to check us out. He flew into Vancouver, gave us a listen, signed us and we were off to Detroit.”
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In an even more stunning twist of fate, Taylor and Chong were also credited with discovering the Jackson Five. “They were opening for us in ... I think it was Chicago. We heard them and had a feeling. We took them with us to Detroit and got them signed to Motown.” Tommy’s musical career ended not long after that and that is when he turned to comedy. It was during this time that Tommy met Cheech Marin who was hiding in Canada to dodge the Vietnam draft. “When we started out, Cheech had nowhere to go and I needed a partner who would go all the way on stage.” The pair grew so close, that when they split in 1985, Tommy was devastated. “Cheech was closer than a wife to me. We did everything together. At the time, I didn’t know if I’d ever get over it. I think I always knew we would end up back together at some point.”
on the cheap in South Central L.A.” The film might have been made on a tight budget, but it was Warner Bros. highest grossing comedy of that year and is still considered a cult classic today. The duo made several more films before their split in 1985, but none were as successful as Up In Smoke. As for why the duo split, Tommy elects to diplomatically skim over the sordid details. “I mean, Cheech, he wanted to move beyond the stereotypical Hispanic/Mexican stoner role that he was becoming locked into with me. We had spent a lot of time together. Unfortunately for Cheech, I’m the type of person that needs a handler. My wife does that now, but at the time it was Cheech. I think he just got tired of having to handle me all the time.”
“Cheech was closer than a wife to me. We did everything together. I think I always knew we would end up back together at some point.”
In their prime, Cheech and Chong were bigger than just being a comedy duo that was closely linked to the marijuana counter culture. Jerry Lewis, who along with Dean Martin, formed what is considered to be one of the most successful comedic duos starting back in the 1940’s, once said, “Cheech and Chong are a truly special couple, a comedy force that comes along only once or twice in an entire generation.” The duo peaked in 1978 with their hit film, Up In Smoke. Although Chong played a fairly stereotypical hippie era stoner in the film, there was a strong pro-marijuana counter culture theme to the film. “It was the first time that the stoners were the good guys and the cops were the bad guys,” Chong explains to me nostalgically. “We shot the whole thing
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After the split, Tommy returned to the public eye as Leo Chingwake on That 70’s Show. “I enjoyed my time on the show. Everyone was great. Still, in the end, I decided to leave. I’d been thinking about getting things going with Cheech and Chong again and it just seemed like the time might be right.”
Unfortunately, the reunion with Cheech would have to wait. In 2003, Tommy was arrested as part of the U.S. government’s Operation Pipe Dreams. “They were working hard to find something they could charge me with. I’m sure without meaning to, they made me the poster boy for legalizing marijuana. They made me the spokesperson.” In order to avoid trial and keep his wife and son from being prosecuted, Chong pleaded guilty to one count of conspiracy to distribute drug paraphernalia (his son, Paris, ran a web-store called Nice Dreams, named after one of the Cheech and Chong films, that had sold more than 7,500 bongs and water pipes). He was slapped with a $20,000 fine and served nine
Cheech & Chong’s Hey Watch This © 2009 Cheech & Chong, LLC. All Rights Reserved. Artwork © 2010 The Weinstein Company. All Rights Reserved. Distributed exclusively in Canada by Alliance Films. All Rights Reserved.
months in prison; all this despite prior to this having had a clean criminal record. In fact, of the 55 defendants in the Operation Pipe Dreams crackdown, Chong notes, “I was the only one without a prior record that served time in jail.” True to form, Tommy candidly describes the whole prison situation. “I think I became even more well known in prison. I also became someone for the marijuana counter culture to rally around. Mail call in prison was like two sacks, one for me and one for the rest of the inmates. The American justice system is riddled with lies and inconsistencies. The whole thing made me feel sad at the time, but it still seems to be the only ‘weapon of mass destruction’ that they found that year.” Still, when asked if Tommy has any lingering anger towards Bush, he replies with a mixture of laughter and seriousness. “On one hand, that guy did a lot for comedians. Seriously. He gave us more material than we knew what to do with some days. That day he wiped that booger on the back of Clinton’s jacket, that was such typical Bush.” Chong takes a moment to catch his breath because he’s laughing so hard. When he starts again, his voice is somber. “On the other hand, he got the world into a pretty huge mess. He really screwed things up, both domestically and internationally. So there’s that to consider too.” Even after Tommy was released from prison, it was still several years before he and Cheech managed to hammer out a reunion. “Yeah, Cheech had some personal hurdles to get over, but then we picked up right where we left off.” When pressed for more details about how the duo reunited, Tommy laughs hard. “I met up with Cheech. We both had things to say. I think he had more to say though. He yelled for a while. Luckily, I’m half deaf so I didn’t hear most of it. Later, my son Paris emailed Cheech pretending to be me and got the whole ball rolling on a reunion.” Some people suggest that one of the big hinderances preventing a reunion was Cheech’s reluctance to go back to his old stereotypical Mexican characters. “Yeah, I guess Cheech had worked really hard to be taken seriously as an actor. He had done some cool things. Voices in Cars and The Lion King, stuff like that. Still, it really was the right time for us to get together, both artistically and financially.” And how did it go at first? “It was a little rough at the start, but we got back into the groove pretty quick. We were a lot older than when we had first been together. I laughed pretty hard. I told him we looked like 5th place finishers in a Cheech & Chong look-alike contest. Pretty funny.”
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Still, Tommy enjoyed the reunion. “My favourite memory of the night we filmed Hey Watch This, was the opening scene when the two of us were standing on the back balcony of the theatre. It’s a historical building and that was a ‘Blacks Only’ entrance. Kind of deep. Of course, it was cool for the two of us to be standing there, reuinited, about to go on, smoking a joint.” As for their audience, Cheech and Chong comedy appealed to more than the stereotypical demographics that you might think. “Famous fans? Yeah, there were some interesting ones. Richard Pryor was a huge fan. Of course that feeling was more than mutual. There used to be this club in Hollywood. Richard was doing a four-day stint and I was there every night. I would study how he put things together. I’ve used that ever since. Yeah, he was a fan, but so was I.” And how exactly does Tommy explain how he is still going strong after all these years? “I won’t do cigarettes. Nicotine will kill ya. Don’t drink much either. Same reason. Marijuana, on the other hand, mellows people out. Takes the edge off. Stressed out people tend to die earlier. Exercise too, that definitely helps. But don’t try to exercise when you’re high. You can’t. It’s impossible. Marijuana is the miracle plant. It has healing properties. No one gets angry when they smoke weed. It brings people together. Weed is something all races share. But it goes beyond that. Weed can save the planet. You can make anything from hemp ... cars, clothes, you name it. It’s environmentally friendly. Farmers used to be mandated to grow hemp. It was a racist law that made it illegal. Marijuana is going to save us.” As for Tommy Chong being the face of marijuana, he doesn’t answer the question outright. “I don’t think you could find many people who haven’t tried marijuana, and I take a lot of credit for that. Eventually, they’re going to have to change the policy on marijuana to reflect the truth.” And so, the amazing moments in time continue to parade forth for Tommy Chong. The man has lived honestly, deeply, and with humour. Most importantly, he continues to share with us his unyielding zest for life. Even now, at 72, he continues to live a life of uncompromising beliefs to the accompaniment of many laughs. Tommy Chong is uncompromising and we would not want him to be any other way.
girl spotting Becky Burbank photographed by 323PhotoGrafix.com
We noticed you don’t have any tattoos. None. It’s my personal opinion that women should leave their bodies the way God made them. I’m not a fan of piercing and tattoos on a woman and would never get either. I don’t want to regret ever permanently marking my body. It looks as though you keep yourself in great shape. I was a very active child and grew up playing all different types of sports. However, these days it’s golf. I try to get out on the course at least once a week. What kind of qualities do you look for in a guy? I tend to be drawn to guys that are athletic and have a good sense of humor. I just find I have a lot more in common with someone athletic because we share the same hobbies. I also love to laugh and have fun, so a sense of humor is huge! How about a funny sumo wrestler? Anything that requires you to gain a million pounds of fat to be competitive doesn’t sound like fun to me.
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VEX’s
2010
CFL KICK-OFF
INTRODUCTION AND PLAYER INTERVIEWS BY JD BERMUDEZ
IT’S TIME TO BRING THE PAIN!
T
he 2010 Winter Olympics are a thing of the past- up in the proverbial cloud of BC smoke. The Stanley Cup playoffs, likewise, are on ice for the year. That leaves Canada gearing up for what is year-in and year-out the single biggest sporting event in the country; the 2010 CFL season and the eight-way battle for the Grey Cup. It’s time for tailgate parties, pompoms, foam-domes and the opportunity to gloat that our game’s got bigger balls! With that in mind, VEX decided to whet your appetite for the year’s round of grid-iron by getting together with stars from all eight CFL teams in a massive huddle that touches on strategies, rivalries, friendship, glory, defeat, the role fans play, what life on the road with the CFL can bring and, of course, the cheerleaders. So put your helmet on and get ready for a head-to-head with some of the CFL’s biggest names. HUT!
CALGARY’S IDENTITY CRISIS OVER THEIR EXTENDED HISTORY, CALGARY’S FOOTBALL TEAM HAS HAD SO MANY NAMES, IT MAKES SYBIL LOOK LIKE SHE WAS JUST A GIRL WHO HAD A COUPLE IMAGINARY FRIENDS.
© Kyle Clapham / BC Lions
© David Moll / Calgary Stampeders
JASON ARAKGI 45 LIONS (S)
JOFFREY REYNOLDS 21 STAMPEDERS (RB)
EVER GET BUSTED EYEBALLING THE CHEERLEADERS? One time, during a TV timeout, there were a bunch of us talking about the cheerleaders. We looked up and we saw there was one of those TV mics over our heads. We look back and the two guys holding the thing were just cracking up laughing because they were sitting there for about two minutes.
WHICH OF YOUR TEAMMATES HAS THE BEST PRE-GAME RITUAL? I guess Nik Lewis. He sings. And he has a couple of different names that he goes by. I know one of them is Geronimo Lewis. I don’t know what the other characters are.
WHAT WAS THE CRAZIEST FAN EXPERIENCE YOU’VE EVER HAD? We were in the playoffs against Saskatchewan. Their fans are unreal. Dante Marsh caught an interception and threw the ball into the stands. Then maybe ten seconds later we had like a hundred full beer cans being hurled at us from the stands. They had to stop the game and move everyone to the middle of the field. It was nuts. ANY ON-FIELD GRUDGES? There’s this one guy in Calgary, he’s a free safety. He’s a great guy, but we definitely go at it when we see each other.
ANY BIG ON-FIELD RIVALRIES WITH A PLAYER FROM ANOTHER TEAM? I really don’t get caught up in that. I think personal vendettas are a bit high school-ish. WHAT’S BEEN YOUR FAVOURITE CFL MOMENT SO FAR? 2008 Grey Cup! Winning that in Montreal ... against Montreal ... that was the highlight of my career. BESIDES A FEW OF THE RULES, WHAT’S THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE CFL AND NFL? I would say the biggest difference is that Canadian games are a lot faster paced. I find that as a Canadian ball player, you definitely have to be a lot more of an athletic player.
1906: CALGARY CITY RUGBY FOOT-BALL CLUB
(We’re not quite sure of the rules yet, so we’ll be both a rugby and a football team.)
1908: CALGARY TIGERS (Oooooo ... sounds ferocious!)
1923: 50TH BATTALION (Uuuummm ... okay?)
1925: CALGARY TIGERS (Yeah, what the hell were we thinkin’?)
1929: CALGARY ALTOMAH-TIGERS (What the heck is an Altomah?)
1932: CALGARY ALTOMAHS
(Well, whatever it is, it must be mean as moonshine ‘cos we’re dropping Tigers again!)
1935: CALGARY BRONKS
(Hey, Sid just got thrown from his horse. Let’s call ourselves the Bronks in honor of the horse. We hate Sid!)
1945: CALGARY STAMPEDERS
(OK ... last time. We’ll keep the running horse logo because we still hate Sid, but let’s go with the Stampeders seeing as how we have that whole Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth thing we do every year.)
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2010 CFL KICK-OFF
YOU GOT SERVED! TOP GAMEDAY MUNCHIES.
NOT-TOO-HOT BUFFALO WINGS
A nice bite, but not overpowering in case the wives are around ... or that one buddy who drives a Prius. 8 lbs 1½ tbsp 1 cup 1 cup
Chicken Wings Seasoning Salt Frank’s RedHot Sauce BB-Q Sauce (your favourite)
Mix the hot sauce and the bb-q sauce together. Put the wings in a zip-lock bag and pour in half the mixed sauce. Seal and refrigerate overnight. Next day, pre-heat the oven to 400º. Spread the wings out on a baking sheet, sprinkle with the seasoning salt then cook for 45 minutes, flipping them after 25 minutes. Take them out, brush them with some more sauce and put them back in for another 15 minutes. Remove and let sit for 10 minutes. Brush them with the remainder of the sauce and serve.
© Dale MacMillan / Edmonton Eskimos
FRED STAMPS 2 ESKIMOS (SB)
GENE MAKOWSKY 60 ROUGHRIDERS (G)
WHICH TEAM DO YOU LOOK FORWARD TO GOING UP AGAINST THE MOST? I like to play against Calgary because I think they have some of the best Defensive Backs in the league. They’re a really good team.
HOW DO YOU THINK THE QUALITY OF THE CFL COMPARES TO THE NFL? I’ve never played US ball, but I know their eyes are open to the quality of athlete of up here. I guess the biggest difference is the paycheck ... adding on a few more zeros. They may get paid ten times more, but I don’t think they’re ten times as good ... let’s put it that way.
SO THE BATTLE OF ALBERTA IS ALIVE ’N KICKIN’ IN THE ESKIMOS’ LOCKER ROOM? Oh yeah! I never really understood how important it was until I got here, but the Battle of Alberta is really serious. And the fans ... they take it even more seriously.
CHILI CHEESE DIP This one’ll clean your colon! 1 block 1 can ½ cup
Cream Cheese Prepared Chili (your favourite) Grated Cheddar Cheese
Pre-heat the oven to 350º. Spread the cream cheese in the bottom of a pie plate. Layer the can of chili over top and then sprinkle with the grated cheddar cheese. Bake for about 20 minutes (or until the cheese starts to bubble) and then serve with a basket of tortilla chips.
WHAT’S BEEN ONE OF YOUR BIGGEST INSPIRATIONAL MOMENTS? In 2008, when Coach (Jason) Tucker hurt his neck, and we lost him for the season. We were getting ready for the BC game the next week, and we didn’t really know what was going on. Coach (Maciocia) wasn’t giving us details. We go out to BC and Coach Tucker came into the locker room right before the game. Just a week ago he’d fractured his neck and now you could see him walking around. That stuck with me.
DAYS OF GLORY: A CFL HISTORY TIMELINE 1861: First documented football game was played on Nov. 9 at the University of Toronto.
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1880: The “Open Formation” was introduced, where teams lined up across from each other.
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© Saskatchewan Roughriders
1906: The Calgary City Rugby Foot-ball Club was formed on March 14 at Calgary City Hall.
EVER LET YOURSELF GET DISTRACTED BY THE CHEERLEADERS? I don’t pay much attention to them. During the game, I have too much going on. They used to dance around a bit with those little pompoms, but now they’re doing tricks, throwing them in the air, back-flips ... that sort of thing. The only time we see them is game day. YOUR FANS ARE CONSIDERED TO BE THE BEST IN THE LEAGUE. Our fans are definitely the 13th man out there. Once, I can remember a few fans started throwing beer cans on the opposition, I think it was the Lions.
1907: The first game between Calgary and the newly formed Edmonton Rugby Foot-ball Club was played on November 9 in Edmonton. Edmonton won 26-5 and the Battle of Alberta was officially born.
1909: Lord Earl Grey donates a really cool trophy. Can’t say much for his tea though.
2010 CFL KICK-OFF
GOPHER THE GUSTO! GAINER THE GOPHER IS THE LITTLE RODENT OF RIDER PRIDE.
Made his first appearance entertaining Roughrider fans in 1977. © Dave Darichuk / Winnipeg Blue Bombers
The gopher’s name, Gainer, is actually an anagram of Regina.
Gainer’s jersey number is 13 to symbolize his role as the 13th man at the games.
Gainer was banned from attending the November 5, 2006, playoff game against the Calgary Stampeders at McMahon Stadium to prevent him from rallying the thousands of already hyped up Rider fans. Despite his exile, the Green Machine still won the game 30-21.
1910: The Regina Rugby Club was formed on September 13. Their first game was played on October 1. The first fan to streak the field, drunk off his ass, was likely that same day. However, we have no official proof of that.
1916-1918: No games are played due to World War I. We salute the fallen.
1925: McGill coach, Frank Shaughnessy, introduces the huddle as a form of on-field strategizing. Fanny-patting wouldn’t come along until the 60s though.
© John Sokolowski / Hamilton Tiger-Cats
JOVON JOHNSON 2 BLUE BOMBERS (CB)
DAVE STALA 88 TIGER-CATS (WR)
HAVING PLAYED BOTH CFL AND NFL BALL, WHAT ARE SOME OF THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCES YOU’VE NOTICED? The rule of three downs versus four, I think, makes it a lot harder. It might seem like something small, but it turns into something very big, very fast. Also, special teams play a much, much bigger role here than they do in the States.
WHAT’S THE FIRST THING YOU DO AT THE START OF A NEW SEASON? When the schedule comes out, I always look for where we play at the end of the season ... end of October, November. Hopefully those games are indoor. If you see Calgary, Winnipeg or Saskatchewan, it’s not a lot of fun. It can get really brisk out there. I try to stay as warm as possible and wear the most clothes I can when it gets chilly.
DOES THE PARTYING DIFFER AS WELL? I think here all the players go out kickin’ and stuff, but here it’s more close-knit. Players hang out with each other on and off the field, as a team. Down there, it’s more of an individual “look at me” type of organization. HAVE THE FANS EVER PROVIDED YOU WITH SOME EXTRA INSPIRATION? We have this one fan in a wheel chair, and he comes to practice every single day. He’s out there supporting us, and it’s unbelievable to see this guy come to practices every day, whether it’s raining or whatever, he’s there. I really appreciate that.
1929: The first legal forward pass was thrown by Gerry Seiberling of Calgary and received by Ralph Losie (fortunately from the same team) in a game against Edmonton on September 21.
1931: Montreal’s Edward Tellier is suspended for life for attacking Regina’s George Gilhooley during the Grey Cup game. However, he would be re-instated again only three years later.
DO YOU MAINTAIN ANY RELATIONSHIPS WITH PAST TEAMMATES? Playing in Montreal, I had the opportunity to watch probably one of the greatest Canadian receivers, Ben Cahoon, I had the chance to work with him for six years and he’s helped me a whole lot in my game. Ben is one of the guys I’m very good friends with. He’s such a great individual ... not just as a football player. WHAT ARE THE CHEERLEADERS LIKE? Now you’re just trying to get me in trouble. No comment. If you’d asked me four years ago, I might have had a comment on that one.
1948: Calgary wins their first Grey Cup, defeating Ottawa by a score of 12-7.
1958: The Canadian Football League was officially named on January 19 in Winnipeg.
1948: Edmonton adopt the hallowed green and gold!
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2010 CFL KICK-OFF
PLAYING BY OUR RULES IT WAS SHORT-LIVED, BUT FOR A LITTLE WHILE THE CFL HAD SOME AMERICAN EXPANSION TEAMS.
1993
SACRAMENTO GOLD MINERS ● the first U.S. expansion team to join the CFL
© Toronto Argonauts
1994
LAS VEGAS POSSE
● they would fold after only one season
1994
BALTIMORE STALLIONS
● the only U.S. team to win the Grey Cup ● moved to Montreal to become the new Alouettes
1994
SHREVEPORT PIRATES
● you can thank the whiny Gliebermans for this one
1995
BURMINGHAM BARRACUDAS ● Matt Dunigan was the team’s quarterback
1995
© Benoit Pelosse / Montreal Alouettes
BYRON PARKER 28 ARGONAUTS (DB)
DAMON DUVAL 15 ALOUETTES (K)
DID YOU NOTICE ANY ROOKIES IN CAMP SHINING MORE THAN OTHERS? (Danny) Brannagan ... he’s pretty good. I think if we give him a little bit of time to learn and grow, he’s going to be a great quarterback in this league.
KICKING THAT BIG FIELD GOAL LAST SEASON MUST HAVE BEEN A PRETTY SPECIAL MOMENT FOR YOU, HUH? That’s something that, as a kicker, you always dream of ... having those game winning opportunities. And getting that in a championship game like the Grey Cup ... I’d have to say that’s, by far, my best memory.
HOW CRAZY DO YOUR FANS GET? We don’t really have any crazy fans, but we do have die-hard fans. I think the craziest thing I’ve ever done is to sign someone’s breast this one time. Yeah, that was probably the funniest thing I’ve ever done. And there was one that asked if she could grab my ass.
SAN ANTONIO TEXANS
WHAT’S THE TOUGHEST THING ABOUT PLAYING IN THE CFL? I was a basketball player in college and high school, so I never really played football at the professional level until I got up here to Toronto. The hardest part was transitioning from basketball to football.
All U.S. expansion teams would fold at the end of the 1995 season.
NOT THE WEATHER? I can deal with the cold. I love it in Canada.
MEMPHIS MAD DOGS
● Fed-Ex founder, Fred Smith, signed Damon Allen as QB
1995
● Sacramento moved their team to San Antonio
1962: The Canadian Football Hall of Fame was established and Hamilton was named as the site. 1962: The Grey Cup game was stopped by fog on December 1 and the final 9 minutes and 29 seconds were played the next day.
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1977: The Grey Cup game was played to a record attendance of 68,318 fans who paid a total of $1,401,930 in ticket sales at Montreal’s Olympic Stadium.
1989: The CFL signs a two-year TV contract with Carling O’Keefe for $12M. Sounds pretty good, but it turns out to be significantly lower than the $33M/3yr contract they signed only three years earlier. A sign of the mediocre player’s salaries to come?
KINDA LUCKY YOU GOT A SECOND SHOT AT IT THOUGH. The funny story behind that, believe it or not, is that before I kicked that first ball, I actually saw the ref throwing the flag. If you look at it, I’m actually looking at ref as I’m kicking the ball. So I knew right away, as soon as I saw the flag, that we were getting another chance. So while everybody was going crazy for Saskatchewan, I just went and picked up my little piece of tape, moved it up ten yards and got ready to re-kick. WHAT’S YOUR WORST CFL MEMORY? Same game. That seven-yard punt right before halftime. I was disappointed in myself.
1995: A sad day in CFL history as the Grey Cup heads south of the border after Calgary tanks 37-20 to the U.S. expansion franchise, the Baltimore Stallions. NOVEMBER 28, 2010: It’s party time up in Edmonton, yo!
spotlight
Greg Godovitz BY SETH MILLER
PHOTOGRAPH BY MARK G. BILODEAU
THE 59-YEAR-OLD CANADIAN ROCK ICON AND NAMESAKE FRONTMAN FOR THE LEGENDARY GODDO TALKS ABOUT HIS MUSICAL ROOTS, INDUSTRY PITFALLS, FUTURE PROJECTS AND MAKING JIM CARREY CRY.
So you’re Canadian, born and bred? I was born in Toronto, 1951. A pretty uneventful childhood actually. More academic ... while all the other guys were playing cowboys and Indians, I was at the Royal Ontario Museum studying things. I wanted to be an archeologist.
What turned you from an egghead into a rocker? Everything sort of changed for me when my brother brought home the first Beatles album. I remember looking at that famous shot of them in silhouette and I said ‘They look stupid!’ And then my brother dropped the needle on It Won’t Be Long and it was like an epiphany. Within a couple months I started growing out my brush cut, got a Beatle jacket and I was starting a band. So you stopped spending all your time at the museum? Well, archeologists don’t get a lot of chicks, you know? So how did you bring Goddo together? I remember going to see a band called Brutus ... and I was talking to the singer and told him I wanted to put together something like Cream meets the Beatles, you know, I wanted a power trio that had good harmonies. And he says ‘You should talk to Gino (Scarpelli) because he’s not happy with the band right now.’ I looked over at him and he’s surrounded by about four or five really hot chicks and I thought ‘Yeah, he’ll do.’ And then Marty Morin was a guy I went to school with ... great singer, phenomenal drummer. And within a couple of weeks we had about fourteen songs. That was late 1974. We somehow got a gig opening for
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Golden Earring at Massey Hall and then that’s when everything hit the fan. But Marty didn’t last very long with the band. Marty just didn’t want to do it any longer. He was getting married and got a job as a school bus driver ... which ended up in a song on our first album. But that’s when we found Doug (Inglis). What was really funny is that Doug looked so much like Marty, we didn’t even have to change our publicity photos until we ran out. He just kept signing Marty’s picture and no one knew the difference. What’s the first memory that comes to mind about your live album Best Seat In The House? It was recorded over two nights. I had hired Jim Carrey to open the shows. I saw him in a comedy club in Toronto, I thought he was wonderful, so I invited him to come out. Well, he got booed off the stage so bad, he was in tears backstage. He wouldn’t come back the second night. And he actually went on record with it once, just after In Living Color started taking off, they asked him ‘Worst gig you ever did?’ ... and he goes ‘I don’t even have to think about it. Opening for Goddo when they did their live album.’ He says ‘It was the worst gig of my career!’ I mean,
they were throwing things at him. Your album Who Cares seems to project a lot of contempt for the music industry. We’d signed so many bad contracts as a band. There’s two little words that every musician should look out for in a contract. And those two words are ‘in perpetuity’ ... which basically means ‘forever.’ So if you’re signing a deal where someone else is controlling your material, you really don’t want those words in there because now they can use your stuff however they want forever. You know, times change ... royalty rates change, but ‘forever’ means that if you’re signing today at seven cents per album, but the rates go up tomorrow to a buck per album, you’re still only making seven cents per album. You gotta really watch those two little words.
bottles when we’d come off tour because the money was somehow going away. I think I’ve put more than one swimming pool in a manager’s back yard ... and I was living in an apartment, making $250 a week. So yeah, I was a bit disgruntled, but you know, live and learn.
So your music wasn’t actually making you rich. Well, we were making an absolute fortune touring ... but somehow I was cashing in pop
Goddo is a big part of Canada’s musical past, but what are you working on these days? I’m busy these days. I’ve been getting calls to start producing different artists ... and Paul Dean from Loverboy lives out here, so we’ve been busy putting some stuff together. I’m feeling like I haven’t even begun yet. I’m 59 years old and I’m one of those guys who doesn’t mind sharing 46 years of experience with young kids. I do a regular stint on Thursday nights at the Baja Bar and Grill in Calgary ... it’s an accoustic jam session that I host ... and I’ll go up and give some of these young artists tips on improving their craft. And as a music producer, I’m always looking for new talent.
“JIM CARREY WAS BOOED OFF OUR STAGE SO BADLY, HE WAS IN TEARS BACKSTAGE.”
Do you think Alberta has a lot of musical talent? I personally think that the music scene here is like an untapped oilwell. The next major artist is going to come out of Alberta. I really believe that and I just hope I’m the guy that discovers them.
VALERIE ROSS
POKER TALK
CAN YOU KEEP YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME WHEN THERE’S A HOT WOMAN AT THE TABLE? IMAGES BY URBAN STYLZ PHOTOGRAPHY
HELLO VEX MAGAZINE READERS! I got some great feedback and questions from my last article, so in this column, I would like to address one of the most frequently asked questions, in regards to me being a female poker player. I thought this would be a suitable time, considering it is in the midst of the World Series of Poker action, and I have recently made my international debut as a PokerPro writer. Poker is the fastest growing sport on the planet! Everyone knows someone who plays poker, or they play themselves. As a female player in a vast field of men, I often get asked, “Does showing a little cleavage give you competitive advantage at the poker table? Do you have an advantage at the poker table because you are an attractive female? Do you make the men at the table lose their concentration? Do they play differently because you are a girl?” I believe the answer to all these questions is YES! From the first day that I started playing poker, I knew that as soon as I joined any table not only did the concentration of the game shift, but also the topic of conversation changed. It
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may have something to do with the fact that I was a little sexier than the general genre of poker players, or that I had a little more skin showing, but overall I believe that men just act differently when there is female energy present. I have studied this and experienced this shift in many arenas of my life. Just as I have learned to use this to my advantage in other aspects, I have also learned how this can be beneficial at the poker table. At the risk of sounding devious, if there is some chance that I can win more pots at poker or prolong my tournament life by getting free passes because of my looks and charm ... then you better believe that I am on it! Guys, if I am at your poker table and you have the best hand, and I seem obliviously engaged to your pot, and you feel some chivalrous obligation to let me know because ...
A) You think that I will leave the table, and you will be left looking at the sausage party you started with before I came to sit down, B) You feel bad about taking my shopping money, C) You feel you are a much better poker player than me and you would be taking advantage of me, D) You’re afraid that I will give you the same look of death that your wife/girlfriend gives you when she asks where you have been and you say you were playing poker for the last 18 hours, and everyone will think you are a total jerk, E) All of the above, ... I will not be offended if any or all of these
VALERIE ROSS is your reason to politely encourage me to get out of the pot. I am okay with taking a free pass if you are ok with giving me one. In fact, I will be ever grateful and consider this a type of gift, if you will...maybe a new wallet, or dress, and depending on the commitment, possible a piece of jewellery. I think this is one of the differences between men and women. Men generally have bigger egos, and I think it is harder for them to believe that another man at the table would give them a free ride. Instead, they feel like they are being tricked out of a pot and may be more inclined to call even with a mediocre hand. Gentlemen, if you think that you can use this as leverage and bluff me out of a pot, because you think that I feel like you are genuinely trying to save me from losing a bunch of chips, I assure you that it will probably only happen once. Women can be a
little vicious and if we feel like we have been cheated on, it will become our highest priority to make sure we get even. With that being said, I would best advise that when a female opponent sits down at your table, that you pay very close attention, or you are at risk of losing it all. Just as women are very hard to read emotionally, she isn’t going to be any easier to decipher at the poker table, although you can guess that her ultimate goal here is to win. The woman that is sitting at your table isn’t your average female. She is a hunter, a thrill seeker! She is strong, opinionated, strategic, and aggressive. She may even be a little scandalous. She probably deals with a lot of men on a daily basis, and is very confident in her ability to tell what you are thinking. She is not in the slightest intimidated by you,
and if she is she won’t show it, unless it is part of her strategic plan to make you think that you can one up her. I understand that this can be frustrating and some of you may even feel like this is an invasion to the game of poker, as it was mostly considered a man’s game. Well, pay attention! There is a new player on the field, and she is ready to play! Since I have been playing poker, I have to say that I have received many of those free passes/gifts, as I would like to call them, so in some way I feel obliged to return the favour. So let me enlighten you. Here are some helpful hints to keep in mind when you are engrossed in a hand with the femme fatale opposing you. Per the Urban Dictionary, a femme fatale is defined as a “woman with both intelligence and sex appeal that uses these skills to manipulate poor helpless men into doing what she wants. May cause death.” Be warned that she may also cause bankruptcy and blue balls.
What She is Saying: A General Understanding of What Her Poker Moves Disclose When she looks directly in your eyes - she is serious. Unlike men, who use this to intimidate their opponent, she is enticing you to come in closer. She learned this trying to win the hearts of men throughout her life. Be aware. If she says she is all in - she definitely believes she has the best hand. Women are maternal by nature, and because they have strong nesting qualities, they aren’t inclined to risk the house. Now there is an exception to this, women who don’t have families may be a little more reckless as they don’t have mouths to feed. If she check raises you - she really was just checking to see which idiot is going to entertain her. She has the nuts... and she thinks she’s squeezing them in the palm of her hands, if you called her. You might come out on top, but I put my money on her. These are just a few generalizations. You can take from it what you want to make any assumptions that may help you to better understand what your female assailant is thinking. So there you have it! I would like to thank all the readers for their support. If you have any questions or feedback, please feel free to email me at Valerie@vexmagazine.com or add me to Facebook- Valerie Ross (White). I look forward to hearing your comments and requests.
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parting shot Sarah Howard
photographed by 323PhotoGrafix.com
You seemed to be quite comfortable in front of the camera. I’m an exhibitionist so anything that would put me on stage. I’d be a stripper if I didn’t have to get naked, and really only so I could dance around. I’d love to be a dancer in Vegas but I know that would be short lived. If I could carry a note I’d say a singer hands down, like Britney Spears status without the drama. Are you a sports fan at all? I love sports! Football, every Sunday. Once the season starts I’m unavailable to do anything that day but make a date with the couch. Who’s your favourite player? I’ve been in love with LT (LaDainian Tomlinson) for forever. I like his attitude and swagger, cute smile, and he seems like fun. I love watching him play ... let’s face it, I’m staring at his ass 80% of the time ... and I think he’s awesome regardless of whether or not he’s doing a good job. But even after years of watching the sport, I’m still not always sure what’s going on. But hey, when guys watch a Victoria’s Secret fashion show, do you think they actually remember the clothes?
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