VEX Magazine (issue #36) by VEX Magazine

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ISSUE #36 PM 41481024

CANADA’S FREE JOURNAL FOR MEN

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Harland Williams HE LOVES TO MAKE US LAUGH!

GET READY FOR THE GREATEST OUTDOOR ROCK SHOW ON EARTH!

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CONTENTS

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THE PICTURES OF THIS ONE-TIME BASKETBALL PLAYER WILL HAVE YOU DRIBBLING!

BREW REVIEW

We tap the keg on some of the finest beers in Canada, along with a few select imports.

NICK RING

The Alberta fighter puts the Ultimate Fighter house behind him and prepares for UFC 131.

THE MUSIC MAN Colin Kobza is the man behind the Boonstock Music Festival. Now you know who to blame that massive hangover on!

PORN STAR DANCING

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窶｢

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Lead guitarist, Sal Costa, from My Darkest Days, talks about the genesis of their hit single.

10 LETTERS

CONTENTS

VEX readers speak out.

ISSUE #36

12 JOKES

You made us laugh!

50 HARLAND WILLIAMS pg

COVER STORY

THE FAMOUS CANADIAN FUNNYMAN GIVES US A LOOK BEHIND THE LAUGHTER.

14 OUT & ABOUT

Fun times on the town!

18 MUSIC

Now hear this!

20 MOVIES

The pirates are coming!

22 GEARED UP

Two-wheelin’ titillation.

24 FITNESS

Training camp starts now!

26 SEX

Does she like porn too?

30 FOOD

Hot-wing hunting.

32 COMIC STRIPPED Panic at the rest stop.

36 ASHLEY RUSNAK Hail to the Queen!

60 NICOLE JOHNSON Try her BBM screening technique.

74 STYLE

Affordable summer fashion.

80 ERIKA

Our French connection.

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VEXMagazine MEET SETH MILLER, THE MAN WHO WAS GIVEN THE BURDEN OF SAMPLING ALL OF THE BEERS FEATURED IN THIS YEAR’S BREW REVIEW. What was your reaction to receiving 18 cases of beer, knowing you’d have to drink them all? At first, I felt like a little kid on Christmas morning. I was totally stoked! But then I realized that I was going to have to share it all with the rest of the drinking panel, so my jubilation was quickly tempered. Did you guys just sit there and pound back all that beer in one night? Well, in keeping with the VEX spirit, it was suggested by several of the panel members that we do just that. But I didn’t want our judgment to be clouded

THE CULPRITS RESPONSIBLE

by intoxication, so as panel director, I made the executive decision to split the sampling over the course of three sessions (six beers per session), and we kept it to 3oz pours of each beer. Needless to say, I wasn’t very popular. So how many bottles of beer did you guys actually go through? Ha! That’s the good part. Because of the downsized samplers, we only went through about four bottles per case. The rest if it is still at my place ... slowly making its way into my fridge and eventually finding my stomach! Man, I love this fucking job!

Publisher/Editor-In-Chief Vice President Creative Director

MARK G. BILODEAU JEREMY NIELSEN SEAN BURDESHAW

Managing Editor Associate Editor Director of Photography Artistic Director Fashion Editor Director of Design Senior Designer Copy Editor

SUSAN KLAIMAN CHRISTOPHER BLOOMFIELD NATHAN JUNG DAVID AARONSON AMY HALSTEAD ANDREW DEVORE DAMIEN FEHMEL BONNY LEUNG

Chief Photographer Photo Editor Contributing Photographers

Contributing Writers

Prepress Editor

VEXMAGAZINE.COM Graphic & Web Design ADVERTISING Calgary Sales Edmonton Sales

Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4

info@vexmagazine.com www.vexmagazine.com GST# 86889 5715 RT0001

N EDITION

TREVOR CAMPBELL BRUCE CREWS SCOTT DUMAS ANTON JOSEPH SETH MILLER MASTER SARAH MOANIES DAVID NUTTALL BILL ROBINSON VALERIE ROSS ANNA SANTIAGO JOE VESPAZIANI MICHAEL WYNN RUSSELL GREENLAY MATHIEU PROUSE

PATRICK TINGLE 587.999.5032 | PatrickDTingle@gmail.com B.J. HENDRICKSON 780.233.0822 | BJ@vexmagazine.com JIM RHOADES CANADA POST VEXMAGAZINE.COM LTD.

All Trademarks presented in this magazine are owned by the registered owner. All advertisements appearing in this magazine are the sole responsibility of the person, business or corporation advertising their product or service. For more information on VEX Magazine’s Privacy Policy and Intention of Use, please see our website at www.vexmagazine.com. All content, photographs and articles appearing in this magazine are represented by the contributor as original content and the contributor will hold VEX Magazine Ltd. harmless against any and all damages that may arise from their contribution. All public correspondence, which may include, but is not limited to letters, e-mail, images and contact information, received by VEX Magazine becomes the property of VEX Magazine. com Ltd. and is subject to publication. To have unsolicited manuscripts, photographs and other material returned, it must be accompanied by a self-addressed return envelope with postage pre-paid. VEX Magazine is not responsible for loss, damage, or any other injury to unsolicited manuscripts, photographs, artwork or material. Reproduction of this publication in whole or in part without written consent from the publisher is strictly prohibited.

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Director of Distribution Distribution Providers

TREVOR HOWELL | 323PhotoGrafix.com THOMAS LOCHNER MARK G. BILODEAU MIKE BRADLEY DAVID FORD FERD ISAAC LES JOHANSEN JEREMY NIELSEN COLIN SMITH

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LETTERS

Mail Enhancement

VEX readers went ga-ga over Caitlyn Bellamy and cracked wise over March Madness.

The Bellamy Tolls For Thee I always look forward to seeing a new copy of VEX in the magazine rack at The Pint (best pub in the world, by the way!). It just means the night is going to be that much better, the food that much tastier and the beer that much colder. But when I saw the pictures you did of Caitlyn Bellamy, I almost fell off my barstool! I agree with you guys wholeheartedly ... if she’s the typical girl-next-door in Fort St. John, I’m selling the house here and moving tomorrow. Armand Blaylock Edmonton, AB Sorry Armand, but we can’t be held responsible for you tipping your drunken ass out of your chair, but here’s a cool tip for you ... barstool seatbelts ... think about it! Could be a major money-maker! Joe vs Pros

Going through all of the goofs and mishaps you mentioned in your March Madness article, I have to say that although I was entertained, I was hardly surprised. We hear about the pros screwing up and getting into trouble all the time. Well, it seems to me that just as college gets these kids ready to play on the pro teams, it gets them equally ready to become just another overpaid dumbass jock-star that’s completely selfabsorbed and has zero respect or consideration for anyone else. Igor Ogjanovic Calgary, AB. You seem pretty bitter, Igor. Either you were cut from the varsity team and never quite got over it, or you met with some pro ball player in his hotel room at 3am one night and things didn’t exactly turn out the way you’d hoped. Either way, we’re sorry for your pain, bro.

Last Stop: Tardy Town

I have my regular routine every morning. I leave my house, I walk to the Tim’s to grab my

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daily double-double, I hop on the C-Train and I make my way to work. Today, I added flipping through VEX while riding the train as part of the plan and I wound up riding an extra stop. I was late for work and got busted by my boss. Thanks a lot VEX! Darren Sickle Calgary, AB Thanks for letting us know, Darren. Now we can add ‘missed public transit stops’ to our list of accomplishments, along with ‘instigating arguments with the wife/girlfriend’, ‘setting a poor example for the nieces and nephews’ and ‘getting kicked out of church’. (That one’s our favourite!)

VEX READER’S POLL

WHO WAS THE MOST ASS-KICKING ACTION HERO OF THE 80s? For more VEXified polls, check out our Facebook page at facebook.com/VEX.Network

À La Carte

I tried making that Shepherd’s Pie you guys did in your latest issue (#35) and I gotta tell ya, it didn’t come out looking anything like the picture! Still tasted pretty good though. Kevin Stutsman Edmonton, AB We also do all of the food photography for Wendy’s and McDonalds. Please, just don’t go all Falling Down on us, Kevin.

UDE JEAN-CLA ME VAN DAM

CHUCK NORRIS

ARNOLD ER NEGG SCHWARZE

R SYLVESTE STALLONE

JOKES

Think yer pretty funny, don’t ya? Send your rib-ticklers to jokes@vexmagazine.com

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Hey, look, a quarter!

RYAN SANGER

Bar Room Bogey A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the

Vienna Sausage Blues

Mirror, Mirror ...

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?“ Soldier: “Sure thing, buddy.” Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Let’s try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?” Soldier: “Sir, NO, sir!”

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day when the man looked over at his wife and said, “Your butt’s getting huge. I bet it’s bigger than the barbecue.” With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill. Then he went over to where his wife was working and measured her butt. “I was right,” he said, “your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!” The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband felt a little frisky. He made some advances toward her, but she completely brushed him off. “What’s wrong?” he asked. She replied, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

Superman, Snow White and Quasimodo were sitting around talking. Superman said, “I’m considered to be the strongest man on earth.” Snow White said, “I’m considered to be the fairest maiden in the land.” Quasimodo said, “Well, I have the reputation of being the ugliest man in the world.” They decided to go to the castle and see what Snow White’s magic mirror had to say. Superman went in first. When he returned he said the mirror confirmed that he is still the strongest man on earth. Snow White was next and when she joined the other two she said she was, indeed, still the fairest maiden in the land. Quasimodo was next and when he came out he had a puzzled look on his face. He asked the other two, “Who the hell is Dennis Rodman?”

JASON LaROCCA

lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she

TITLE SHOT!

Pick Your Battles

was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, “If I told you, you’ll only laugh.” “No, I wouldn’t,” he said. She said, “I sell tampons.” With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

MATT RITSON

CAN YOU DO BETTER? Deep Sea Kama Sutra Position #37: Fishlatio

TERRY JARVIS

PETE FOSTER

WIN THIS! HOW TO ENTER:

1. Send your entry to info@vexmagazine.com with Title Shot in the subject line. 2. Pick up issue #37 of VEX Magazine to see if we published your entry. 3. Check your mail for some thumbtastic trigger-happy fun when we send the winner the Skill Shot tactical rifle attachment for PS3 Move from Nyko.

ISSUE 35’S WINNER

“The Tasmanian polo team never quite got the hang of the game” - Cal Sweers

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED. Open to legal Canadian residents only. Contest begins May 15, 2011, and ends June 22, 2011. Odds of winning depend on number of eligible entries received.

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OUT&ABOUT WING-DING CHALLENGE

In Calgary, VEX joined up with HotWings.ca, Big Rock Beer and Original Joe’s to watch five hungry competitors throw down as many wings as they could in 10 minutes. Dave “The Stomach” Bowden inhaled 62 wings and walked away with a mini-fridge loaded with beer.

S&S TATTOO 2nd ANNIVERSARY BASH

In Edmonton, VEX partied it up at the Union Hall to celebrate with our good friends at S&S Tattoo for their 2nd anniversary. Loud music, cold drinks and a whole lotta ink. Good times! Calgary photos by Mark G. Bilodeau

Edmonton photos by Les Johansen

UP FRONT DESIRÉE ROE photography by 323PhotoGrafix.com

FAST FACTS: BIRTHDAY:

April 8, 1980 FROM:

Calgary, AB. THE MIX:

Metis (French/Native Canadian) FAVOURITE SONG:

anything by R. Kelly FAVOURITE TV SHOW:

Survivor

TURN-ONS:

“A good smelling man with big shoulders/arms and a nice back! Old school chivalry and a man who can cook!” TURN-OFFS:

“Men who wear their t-shirts too tight and bad teeth.”

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PERSONAL

�

Any big plans for the summer?

Honestly, just relaxing. I love summer, hanging out with my friends, BBQing, sitting on a patio with a Grey Goose and water and working on my tan!

Were you glued to the Stanley Cup Playoffs like the rest of us?

No, I think it’s boring to watch. (laughs) I don’t like winter, and I feel like hockey is a winter sport. It’s cold in the arena and I hate being cold.

We heard you’re quite the basketball player.

Well, I used to be. I played in school and on my community team.

Are there any other sports you’ve excelled at?

Not exactly. I used to ride BMX bikes. I was a tomboy growing up, so I wanted a cool boy bike versus a girly bike with pink ribbons coming out the sides of the handle bars! (laughs)

Ever wipe out trying to do any tricks?

Yup! I used to take my brother’s bike and ride it. Once I was riding down some stairs, trying to jump them, and fell off and broke my arm.

GO TO VEXMAGAZINE.COM TO SEE MORE SEXY IMAGES

MUSIC

Listen Up, Maggots! SATISFYING YOUR AURAL FIXATION

Sum 41

SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER

Those crazy kids from Canada are back with their fifth CD of pop punk pleasure.

Bob Geldof

HOW TO COMPOSE POPULAR SONGS THAT WILL SELL

We tried to review this CD, but the long-ass title took up all the

Third Time’s A Charm!

THERE’S GOOD NEWS COMING OUT OF EDMONTON (KENTUCKY, THAT IS). SOUTHERN ROCK IS ALIVE AND WELL, KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES. BLACK STONE CHERRY IS RELEASING THEIR THIRD ALBUM, BETWEEN THE DEVIL & THE DEEP BLUE SEA, AND VEX TRACKED DOWN LEAD GUITARIST, BEN WELLS, IN SPOKANE, WASHINGTON, FOR A LITTLE CHAT.

Your tour schedule is nuts. How’s the band holding up?

Good, we’re actually just glad to be back on the road. We’ve been off for so long writing and recording, so it’s just good to get back out and play some shows again.

Is the new album a continuation of the first two? We don’t want to just make the same album three times in a row. It’s got a lot of elements of the first two albums, but also

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some new stuff that people haven’t ever heard us do before, and that’s important to us. We need to continue to grow with each record, make new fans and keep surprising them ... and surprising ourselves as musicians.

On the new album, the track, Such A Shame, is quite haunting. What’s the story behind it?

It’s talking about looking at a bad situation from the outside, and saying that these things could

Swollen Members DAGGER MOUTH

Madchild is off the painkillers and back in the studio, ripping out his classic raw sound.

have easily been prevented. There’s so much different abuse and neglect that goes on in this world that can be stopped if people would just raise their kids right or look after somebody and not lead them down a wrong path.

Are we going to see you in Alberta sometime soon?

I hope so man. We love Canada and we love the people up there. Hopefully we can get on a tour that gets us up there soon.

Gzus Murphy MURPHYZ LAW

Edmonton’s own raises the bar when it comes to scratching out authentic hip-hop.

MOVIES

Couch Potato Cinema

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES DIRECTOR, ROB MARSHALL, SHARES HIS FEELINGS ABOUT HIS NEWEST SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER.

“We all know what it’s like to look up to somebody, and it’s nice when somebody takes care of us or shows us the ropes. Whether it’s basketball or shooting people, it’s nice to have a friend.”

Why do we love Captain Jack Sparrow so damn much?

GETTING INJURED ON SET:

THE HANGOVER 2 OPENS MAY 26TH

The boys travel to Bangkok for Stu’s wedding only to find themselves in another post-blackout misadventure.

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS OPENS JUNE 3RD

We learn how Charles Xavier and Erik Lensheer (aka Magneto) become friends and then arch enemies.

GREEN LANTERN OPENS JUNE 17TH

Van Wilder becomes the man in green tights with a magical ring that gives him otherworldly powers.

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SORTING THROUGH THE CINEMATIC PILE.

“I was just being stupid. They tell you not to do something and you say ‘well, I’m gonna do that.’ ... This was one of those stunts and I snapped my shoulder. But they gave me good drugs, I felt great and then we just shot the scene, so ...”

“Penélope and Johnny are spectacular together. Their chemistry is amazing. She really gives him a run for his money. She’s a real competitor. It’s sort of a love/hate relationship the whole time. They try to kill each other through the whole movie.”

THE LAUNDRY

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Kudos on adding Penélope Cruz to the cast lineup.

“Well, I hate to keep coming back to it, but it was Johnny. You know, it’s like ‘how do you make it fun for him?’ ... ‘how do you put him in situations where he can play and have a great time?’ And Terry Rossio wrote this and he did an extraordinary job of finding a new adventure for this character.”

W at ch

“I think it’s the fact that we all wanna be kinda like Johnny Depp. You know, irreverent and do what we want and eat and drink and be merry and all the things that pirates do. And I think there’s a freedom to that. Living life on the edge. I get why people love the feeling of pirates and being a pirate.”

What’s the key to the longevity of this franchise?



Between the cultureshock, face tattoos and weenis-qnawing monkeys, this is one you don’t want to miss in theatres!



If not for the X-Men mutants, the Cuban Missile Crisis would have plunged us into a third World War. Who knew?!



There will be lots of choices this summer to get your big-screen comic book fix, but this one should be topping the list.

The Hangover 2 © 2011 Warner Bros. Pictures. All Rights Reserved. X-Men: First Class photo by Murray Close © Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All Rights Reserved. Green Lantern © 2011 Warner Bros. Pictures. All Rights Reserved.

Shiver Me Timbers!

BEING THE APPRENTICE:

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides 3D photo by Peter Mountain © Disney Enterprises, Inc. All Rights Reserved. The Mechanic © 2010 Scared Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Distributed exclusively in Canada by Alliance Films. All Rights Reserved.

ACTOR BEN FOSTER, TALKS ABOUT STARRING IN THE MECHANIC, NOW ON DVD AND BLU-RAY.

GEARED UP Hell On Wheels

THE LONG WINTER FREEZE IS FINALLY OVER AND ONCE AGAIN THE SUN IS HIGH IN THE SKY. HEAR THE CALL OF THE HIGHWAY, STRAP ON A LID AND HIT THE OPEN ROAD ON ONE OF 2011’s FINEST TWO-WHEELED MACHINES.

ARAI PROFILE HELMET $600

Keep your melon safe and cool in this complex laminate fiberglass composite shell.

YAMAHA FZ8-N SPEC SHEET

PRICE: $10,499 ENGINE: 16-Valve, Inline 4 DISPLACEMENT: 779cc WET WEIGHT: 467 lbs (212 kg) SEAT HEIGHT: 32.1” (815mm)

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In a time when riders usually have to make a clear-cut choice between cruiser or sport bike, the FZ8-N provides a sleek and sexy compromise. This black demon has the adrenaline-injecting jump of a juiced-up cheetah, and can

hug the corners like it was on rails. The primarily upright riding position, however, provides ultracomfort during those long highway runs or for that lengthy commute to the office, which makes this bike a perfect daily rider.

HONDA CB1000R SPEC SHEET

PRICE: $13,999 ENGINE: Inline 4 DISPLACEMENT: 998cc CURB WEIGHT: 489 lbs (222 kg) SEAT HEIGHT: 32.5” (825mm)

Whether your aim is to dodge your way through that nerve-wracking city traffic or to let ‘er rip on the open road, the CB1000R is guaranteed to hit the bullseye on your twowheelin’ pleasure center. The raw, naked aggression provided by this bike is dripping with attitude and confidence. And the low-to mid-range torque produced by this beast will give you that little extra oomph to make the hair on the back of your neck stand up.

TCX AIRTECH BOOTS $340

Your tootsies will be thanking you for all that breathable Gore-Tex comfort.

VICTORY VEGAS 8 BALL PRO SPEC SHEET

PRICE: $13,939 ENGINE: 4-Stroke 50o V-Twin DISPLACEMENT: 1731cc CURB WEIGHT: 638 lbs (290 kg) SEAT HEIGHT: 25.2” (640mm)

Everything about this hog screams performance and comfort. The Vegas 8 Ball Pro has more muscle than a Mr. Olympia competition, so out-gunning that annoying little punk in his aftermarket-abused Acura isn’t going to be a problem. And its solo seat is designed not only to eliminate any irritating ride-along requests, but also to keep you low and in perfect butt-cushioning bliss during those long highway rides.

SHIFT STRYKER GLOVES $55

Perforated breathability and integrated knuckle armor will keep your hands protected and comfy.

FITNESS

by ANTON JOSEPH

Get Ready For The Gridiron! Time for you armchair quarterbacks to get that body in shape for the upcoming football season. Use these three foundation exercises to blast that body and go from offensive lineman to a killer running back body in no time! FRONT SQUAT

This exercise is a multi-joint exercise that builds explosive components in muscle. These components enhance the development of speed, power, jumping ability, muscle coordination, and quickness.

This exercise is used to develop hip, leg, and low back strength. This lift will also strengthen the ligaments in the knee joint and will assist in overall body development. Performing the front squat correctly will improve overall lower body strength, enhance quickness, speed, and jumping ability. Beginning Position: Grasp the bar with a closed, pronated grip (slightly wider than shoulder width). Step to the bar and place the bar on top of the anterior deltoids and clavicles. Fully flex the elbows to position the upper arms parallel to the floor. Lift the elbows up to create a “shelf” for the bar using the anterior deltoids (shoulders). Hold the chest up and out. Pull the scapulae (shoulder blades) toward each other. Tilt the head slightly up. Position feet shoulder-width apart (or wider), even with each other, with the toes pointed slightly outward. Set the back by sticking the chest out and butt out. Back should be flat or slightly arched. Downward Movement: Breathing: inhale and hold breath on the downward movement. Allow the hips and knees to slowly flex while keeping the torso-tofloor angle relatively constant (some torso flexion

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is appropriate). Maintain a position with the back flat or slightly arched, elbows high, and chest up and out. Keep heels flat on the floor and the knees aligned over the feet. Do not round the back. Continue flexing the hips and knees until the thighs are parallel to the floor. Do not accelerate the bar or relax the torso at the bottom of the movement. Upward Movement: Breathing: hold breath until ½ way through the upward movement, and then begin to exhale. Extend the hips and knees at the same rate (do not allow the hips to rise before the chest). Maintain a position with flat back, high elbows, and the chest up and out. Keep heels flat on the floor and the knees aligned over the feet. Do not flex the torso forward or round the back. Continue extending the hips and knees to reach the beginning position.

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Beginning Position: Position feet about shoulder width. Position hands on the bar just outside the thighs with a closed pronated grip. Set the back by sticking the chest out and butt out. Back should be slightly arched. Curl the wrists in and turn the elbows out. Flex at the hip and knee until the bar is just above the kneecap. Maintain a slight arch in the back. Position shoulders over or slightly in front of the

bar. Retract the scapulae (pull shoulder blades back). Relax and slightly stretch the trapezius. Focus eyes straight ahead or slightly upward. Upward Movement: From the beginning position, explosively drive the hips forward and up in a vertical jump movement. Extend at the ankle, knee, and hip joints (triple extension). Once full triple extension has been reached, rapidly shrug the shoulders upward, and

then pull with arms keeping elbows high. Continue to pull the arms as high as possible. After the lower body has fully extended and the bar reaches near-maximal height, pull the body under the bar and rotate the arms around and under the bar shooting the elbows out high. Simultaneously, the hips and knees flex into a quarter-squat position. Catch the bar at shoulder height with flat feet.

DEAD LIFT

This is a total body exercise with emphasis on glutes, quads, and back extensors. Beginning Position: Stand with feet flat and placed between hip and shoulderwidth apart with toes pointed slightly outward. Squat down with the hips lower than the shoulders, and grasp the bar with a closed grip. Position body with the back flat or slightly arched, trapezius relaxed and slightly stretched, chest held up and out, scapulae retracted, head in

line with vertebral column or slightly hyper extended, heels in contact with the floor and shoulders over or slightly in front of the bar. Eyes focused straight ahead or slightly upward. Upward Movement: Lift the bar off the floor by extending the hips and knees. Keep the torso-to-floor angle constant. Do not let the hips rise before the shoulders. Maintain a flat-back posi-

tion. Keep the elbows fully extended, the head neutral in relation to the vertebral column, and the shoulders over the bar. At full knee and hip extension, establish an erect body position. Downward Movement: Allow the hips and knees to flex to slowly lower the bar to the floor. Maintain the flatback body position; do not flex the torso forward.

SEX

with MASTER SARAH MOANIES

Pornification

THE QUESTION ISN’T; “DO WOMEN LIKE PORN AS MUCH AS MEN?” OF COURSE THEY DO! THE REAL QUESTION IS; “WHAT KIND OF PORN DOES SHE LIKE?” IF YOU CAN FIGURE THAT OUT, YOU’LL BE REVVING HER ENGINE WITH SKIN FLICKS IN NO TIME!

S N

ome of us enjoy porn more often than others and some of us enjoy others more often than porn. For every regular website, there are five porn sites out there, boasting any fantasy imaginable, fulfilled on the screen in front of you. If you fantasize about it, whimsically consider it or have heard about it somewhere, chances are, it has been made into porn. What if you could integrate porn and your lady? Finding mutually agreeable porn for you and your partner may be a little tricky, but there are plenty of positions either of you could be in

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where you don’t have to see the porn your partner is watching. Knowing the right time, right place and right usage of porn is key. Done correctly and with the right porn, you can merge two worlds, the real and surreal, and have an otherworldly experience. Generally, women do not enjoy porn as much as men, due to the lack of a storyline or emotional chemistry between actors. Women are stimulated mentally and emotionally rather than visually. Traditional porn has D-grade cinematography, clichés, improbable scenarios, hotel room bedspreads and characters that are either unattractive and/or are surgically enhanced

life-sized Barbie’s. Women are not engaged by porn because they can’t identify with the actors. Sometimes women feel threatened or insecure toward the perfectly depicted bodies. There is hope however. The quality, attention to detail and recognized untapped market of women as viewers of porn has led the porn industry to manufacture porn for him and her. There is even couple’s porn! The porn industry has more female directors now than ever before. Porn is evolving. These female directors, along with a few male directors, provide a different perspective, style and developed storylines that are not the old crotch shot, moans and groans of two people who clearly met just prior to the director shouting ‘Action!’ Adhering to a woman’s desire for foreplay, romance, drama and adventure can draw her into the film and set the mood for full frontal passion. Think of porn as a lovemaking tool, a mood-setter, and present it as such to your girlfriend/wife. By communicating with your partner about likes, dislikes, turn-ons, turn-offs and exploring new and exciting practices, not only will you expand your repertoire, this will also bring you closer to your partner. ‘Position’ porn to your lady love as a sex game. Tell her whatever the male actor performs in the film, so will you and vice versa. Porn can lead couples to try new positions, explore different techniques and provide a competitive edge to see if you both can keep up to the professionals. Try making your own porn, consensually of course. Bring the camera into the bedroom and you can both direct the film. Be forewarned, the results of your amateur film may not be as epic as the act itself, but you will probably have fun doing it. If you are curious and not familiar with tantric sex or Kama Sutra, ask her if she would be interested in finding out more about it. Sharing the learning curve of an ancient art of sex practices places you both on an even playing field. Ask her if she would like to try some Kama Sutra. Harmless, right? Download the free iKamasutra Lite app (Apple) and let the ancient practices reincarnate! Maybe you want to explore light bondage with her but aren’t sure of how to broach the subject of tying each other up without sounding like a suspect from Criminal Minds. Proceed with caution. This is definitely not

Name That Porn Star

SOME NOTABLE XXX PERSONALITIES AND THE NAMES THEIR MAMMAS GAVE THEM. third or fourth date conversation material. If you have had sex a few times and you aren’t sure how to suggest a little experimental bondage, rent Basic Instinct or Bound and ask her, casually, if she has ever been tied up? Did she like being tied up? Would she tie you up? Before you strengthen your bond, so to speak, be sure to lay out some ground rules. Have fun thinking of a safe word. Add a little sensory deprivation and have her try on a blindfold or tie a blindfold on you. There has to be a lot of trust in a scenario such as this. Never break this bond of trust or you will never get this kind of opportunity from her again. Spontaneity is key to spicing up your sex life. If you happen to be out for sushi and there is a Love Shop or Source Adult next door, give her a playful wink and ask if she wants to get a movie for the night, gesturing toward the adult store. It is a non-threatening environment where you both can giggle at movie titles and perhaps go home with a few dvd’s you picked out together. Telling her to pick anything she wants...not your best idea. Are YOU ready for that? If she selects “When the Team Hits the Showers” prepare to dive. Avoid rolling your eyes, showing your displeasure if she chooses something not to your liking. (Hint: Let her watch the film while you give her an Aussie kiss ‘down under’, keeping your eyes away from the TV.) Actively participate in the dvd selection. Have fun with reading the back cover to her...remember she’s looking for a storyline (and you’re looking at the pictures of stars you recognize). If you consider yourself quite the porn connoisseur, now

is not the time to John Holmes download your Marilyn Chambers knowledge about Ron Jeremy the adult films stars, Seka their awards and the film titles you Peter North have seen them in. Ginger Lynn Admit to watching Rocco Siffredi porn, owning porn Traci Lords and even liking Kobé Tai porn - you are a guy after all. Suggest Jenna Jameson Pirates. Tell her you read somewhere that it was the most expensive porn film ever made - so it must be good, right? Attending an adult trade show also poses an opportunity to take an educational field trip with provocative seminars, exotic entertainment and sex accessories to purchase. If you grant your partner carte blanche at these events, get ready for a game of Russian roulette. You may discover a side to your partner that you never knew existed. If you are unsure where to start or what porn to recommend to your girlfriend/wife, check out Violet Blue at tinynibbles.com. Ms. Blue has a long list of recommended porn that your partner may enjoy. If your lady likes to read, surprise her with one of Violet Blue’s steamy books on erotica or guides for the adventurous couple. Pull out the laptop and take turns typing sexy things into Google. If you have a connector cable to your big screen, even better. There are interactive websites where you can type or talk to the girl on the screen and tell her what

John Curtis Estes Marilyn Ann Briggs Ronald Hyatt Dorothea Patton Alden Brown Ginger Lynn Allen Rocco Tano Nora Louise Kuzma Carla Scott Carter Jennifer Marie Massoli

you want her to do. You become the director. You and your lady could log in and direct a third party to do the things you like. Alternatively, have your partner join the site so if she is out of town you can chat online with her and perform some naughty Internet play, guiltfree. Teledildonics were about to revolutionize Internet sex. The Cyber Sex suit, made of neoprene with built in sensors, connected the wearer to their computer. Your online companion could send commands that would cause a small electronic shock to various parts of the body. However, the FFC terminated this Cyber Sex suit proposed by Vivid Entertainment in 2000. What will they think of next? Rent A Dirty Shame. The movie uses humour to diffuse the drama surrounding an underground culture of sex addicts. Some of the world’s strangest fetishes and society’s judgments towards these practices are depicted against this group of comedic characters. You and your girlfriend/wife can enjoy a good laugh and learn about something new. Whether or not you decide to try it is up to you. Let your sex life be porn-again! Enjoy the best of both worlds and allow you and your partner to become each other’s own private porn stars. ~XXX

KEEPING IT REEL!

WHEN THEY HANDED OUT THE HARDWARE AT THE 2011 AVN AWARDS, THESE WERE SOME OF THE TOP CHOICES IN PORN.

Best Oral Scene

EDITION

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Best Comedy Parody

THIS AIN’T AVATAR XXX 3D

It’s kind of like taking Jersey Shore and setting it in a strip club, along with a whole lotta slurping and spanking. This film gives whole new meaning to the term pole-dancing!

Zero Tolerance Entertainment

The 2011

BREW REVIEW

Best 3D Film

Tori Black STRIPPER DIARIES

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Best Director

Hustler Video

BATMAN XXX: A PORN PARODY

Axel Braun / Vivid Entertainment

Brad Armstrong SPEED

After three different releases of Avatar by the ever-selfindulgent James Cameron, this version of giant blue people from another planet finally caught our attention!

If the rumors are true, this film may be the most accurate depiction of original Boy Wonder Burt Ward’s actual off-set lifestyle. Apparently his dressing room saw plenty of action!

No buses, no 50mph bombs and no Keanu Reeves (thank God!) Just a lot of tight leather, bouncing blondes and crotch rockets (both the bikes and the other kind.)

Wicked Pictures

Best New Starlet Gracie Glam SEINFELD 2: A XXX PARODY New Sensations

Admit it, you always wanted to know what it would have been like to do Elaine Benes. Now you can actually watch her having sex to save the friendship!

FOOD

WINGIN’ IT! Wondering where to find the king of wings in your city? We checked in with wingmaster, Clucker MacSaucy, the official spokesman for Hotwings.ca, and asked him to break down some of his favourite spots across the province.

FORT MCMURRAY, AB.

Tavern on Main Taphouse & Grill

EDMONTON, AB.

The Canadian Brew House With 24 deadly flavours available, the most popular is still their homemade hot sauce. Slathered in spicy goodness, these wings are cooked to perfection with the meat almost falling off the bone as you go in for the kill.

The Tavern serves up some wicked good wings bathed in Dave’s Original Maritime Style Hot Sauce, specially imported from Nova Scotia. They’ll require multiple napkins, as any self-respecting wing should.

RED DEER, AB.

Toad ‘n’ Turtle Pubhouse & Grill This joint on the south side always serves up some decadent wings. Big and juicy, yet crispy and with tons of flavour. Their popular Suicide Ranch has some real kick to it, and the Sweet Chili Ranch sauce is a must try.

CANMORE, AB.

The Wood Restaurant & Lounge Lightly breaded, these wings are crispy outside while remaining moist inside. They’ve got eight flavours to choose from, but you’ll want to check out their salt ’n pepper, with nice coarse sea salt and cracked pepper.

MEDICINE HAT, AB. My Office Pub

CALGARY, AB.

Mug Shotz Sports Bar & Grill Mug Shotz award-winning wings are huge and tend to come loaded with all sorts of extras. Take their signature suicide wings, which come loaded with jalapeno’s and bathed in a deadly hot sauce.

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LETHBRIDGE, AB.

Original Joe’s Restaurant & Bar A pound of these awesome, meaty wings are sure to satisfy. They offer twelve signature wings flavour combinations, but their Industrial Strength Hot is always a winner if you like a wing with some real heat.

Step into your ‘office’ and sample some of the unique, plump, Orange Ginger wings that they serve up here. Cooked to perfection, they offer them both breaded or naked and serve them up with ranch and carrot sticks.

comic stripped

 

Half-Past



BISMARCK        BY JOE VESPAZIANI





I had just passed the last exit to Bismarck. It was a little past 2:00 a.m. and a blizzard was throwing a surprise party. I could barely see the road. Huge flakes pelted my windshield. For fun I’d hit the high beams pretending to command the Enterprise at warp 10. It’s always fun until someone loses an eye. I had left Dickinson after sharing my gift with the locals. I waited over an hour to get

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paid. I listened to the opener apologize for not quite “getting them” for me. He was fishing for reassurance that I thought he was cool. I let him fish for a while. The manager of the tavern was heavyset. What am I saying, he was a fat fuck. Nice overweight people are heavyset. Pricks are fat fucks. His mood may have been influenced by the fact that he wasn’t thrilled with our show. He was hoping for a more ‘down-home’ street joke kind of affair. The last thing

he wanted was some punk with 80’s hair in a calf-length silver duster (with matching pants) and wrestling boots, expounding on the inadequacies of the Reagan and Bush administrations’ ability to carry out subtle diplomacy in the Middle East. I also informed the crowd that they could sue the bar if they got a paper cut from the pull-tabs. I thought it was humorous. Come to think of it, why was the opener apologizing? Some of the regulars enjoyed it. Most were indiffer-



ent. You could hear the heartbeats race as the karaoke songbooks circulated during the last ten minutes of my set. The music was cranked so loud you could barely hear the bowling. Such is the glory of working a North Dakota one-nighter on league night. Mr. Fat Fuck was secretly hoping we’d just piss off without our money. I believe my cut was $200. That came out to approximately $200 plus room too much for his taste. He emerged from the office with a stack of small bills in an envelope. He reluctantly motioned us over with the money hand and a flapping tricep. One boot hooked on the stool leg, the other leg fully extended to the floor. The seat of the stool disappeared under the cheek it supported. Mr. Fat Fuck was in payment stance. I was to sign for the cash because it was my name on the reader board just below the advertisement for $1 Bud. The receipt was written in thick red marker. Apparently his 5-year-old son had been keeping the books. I signed after the colon. He then counted the money out with rolled eyes and a sarcastic tone for the locals to hear. I gave the opener his cut and bolted for the door. I wasn’t sticking around to see how it ended. I figured I had better odds driving the 12 hours to Sioux Falls. It would take all night, but I’d be able to sleep in the Holidome for a few days. That was the next rung on my illustrious climb to stardom. A half hour outside of town the snow picked up. I thought of pulling over in Bismarck to sleep for a while. I almost went into a ditch and was startled awake. I decided I wasn’t far enough from Dickinson. Around 3:00 a.m. I couldn’t see anything. I was the only car on the road. I crawled along at 30 mph. You couldn’t pay me enough to do this drive today,

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especially in a ’79 Mustang LX with a rubber spoiler. Piece of shit. I glimpsed a reflector marking an exit. It was a small rest area. The ditch incident gave my bowels the urge to evacuate. I’m not one for taking a crap in a public restroom, or a friend’s house for that matter. There was a time in college when I’d take a dump and not flush to piss off my roommates. As an adult though, I don’t go number two outside the comfort of my own space. This, however, was an emergency. The snowflakes reduced the yellow in the parking area to a dim haze. I left the car running. Something I’ve learned

about Fords from that era when you have them started, don’t shut them off. I waded through the snow up to the steel door marked ‘MEN’. There’s something special about a rest area men’s room. Men pee everywhere. You get dizzy from the strength of the disinfectanturine cocktail. The rusted trough was for number one and the stall for number two. I carefully entered the stall, hoping for a little metal bolt for security. After flushing the toilet and covering the toilet seat with toilet paper, I sat. I thought I was going to be in there for a while. Fast food is a killer. Then something happened that changed my public bathroom life forever.

I heard footsteps, heavy and awkward, dragging in through the doorway. I hadn’t heard or seen any other cars in the parking lot, let alone on the highway. I sat still like I was hiding. Who am I kidding? I WAS hiding. A habitual cough and slow shuffled steps approached the stall. I said in a much higher voice than planned, “I’ll be out in a minute.” Pause. “Got to go,” said the retarded adult-like voice from the other side. I said nothing. The toes of his boots were protruding under the stall door. “Got to go!” he repeated with a touch of agitation. “A minute,” I said. Fight or flight was kicking in. I saw a gloved hand grip the top of the stall and shake the door. “Gotta go!” Meals I hadn’t even eaten yet left my body. Everything just exploded out of me. I saw a wandering eye searching through the crack between the door and frame. He tested the bolt one last time, then skulked out of the men’s room. Before flushing, I had to take a peek. The bowl looked much the way I’ve often found it in other rest areas. I flushed with a greater understanding. I was curious to see this creature who terrorized men’s rooms at rest areas in the dead of night. I saw footprints leading to a wooded area behind the building. I was about to call out. Let him know it was all clear. But my throat was seized by the realization that I was here, in the middle of Nowhere, North Dakota – on a blizzarding winter night. There was only one car in the parking lot. I drove much faster than I should have for a couple of hours. The thoughts of a large retarded man popping up from the backseat yelling, “Got to go!” kept my foot frozen on the gas. I don’t know where he came from or where he went, but I do know that was the last rest area stall I’ll ever visit. 

H A I L

Q U E E N

T O T H E

ASHLEY RUSNAK photos by 323PhotoGrafix.com hair & makeup by Gina Cicero

BORN IN EDMONTON AND NOW LIVING IN CALGARY, THIS SCOTCH/IRISH STUNNER TAKES PRIDE IN HER NATURAL ATHLETIC ABILITY. SHE CAN BE ON OUR DODGEBALL TEAM ANYTIME!

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How do you like being in front of the camera? I love it! When I know I have a shoot coming up, I work hard to get into shape. It gives me something to work towards. I’m very comfortable in my own skin and I’m proud of my results, so why not share it with the world? Is this something you’ve always wanted to do? I think all little girls dream about being featured in a magazine, but I never thought it could happen to me. I truly appreciate the body image that I’m able to portray. I’m healthy, curvy and sexy and that’s how I hope my daughter would want to be. Forget skinny. Fit and healthy is the new skinny! So you like to stay active? I love the outdoors and I’m not afraid to get dirty. During the summer I go dirtbike riding almost every weekend. I have a Yamaha TTR125 and my gear is all white. Like I said, I’m not afraid to get dirty. With the NHL playoffs in full swing, are you much of a hockey fan at all? I like hockey about as much as the next girl. Huge fan! Ok, maybe not a huge fan, but I have favourite players, so they keep me engaged in the season while I watch all of their teams. Who are some of the players that grabbed your attention over this past season? Duncan Keith of the Blackhawks, Scottie Upshall with the Blue Jackets, Mike Cammalleri on the Canadiens, and of course my hometown hottie, Jarome Iginla of the Calgary Flames. I’ve met all of them and they’re all really great guys. Humble, talented and goodlooking!

Weren’t you a Kokanee Glacier Girl? Yeah, I was a Glacier Girl for two years. It was awesome being on the ski hill all day and hosting great events in Lake Louise and Fernie. How did you become a Glacier Girl? I was approached by the regional Labatt rep and was given the opportunity to pick my own Glacier Girl team. We had a blast together and we were even featured on the future Glacier Girl model search posters. Which commercial were you in? I was in a video to promote one of the executive events. They filmed me skiing down the mountain in nothing but a little silver bikini and fur boots after the Kokanee Sasquatch. I gotta tell ya, he’s hard to catch! Did you do all of your own skiing and stunts? I did all of my own stunts and everything went off without a hitch. Except for getting off the chair lift ... how does one do that gracefully? (laughs) I’ve always been a skier and snowboarder, so this was no problem. It was a rush, for sure. Chilly too! Do you even drink Kokanee? I used to, all the time. I still enjoy a good brewski on a patio, but most of the time I prefer white wine ... Pinot Grigio, in fact. I love getting together with my girlfriends, a nice glass of wine or two, and if the mood strikes, going dancing after a long week.

GO TO VEXMAGAZINE.COM TO SEE MORE SEXY IMAGES

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Any pet peeves? People who drive slower than the speed limit! I think if you don’t have anywhere to be, then you should just stay home. I’ll admit, I have a bit of road rage some days. I won’t give the finger, but I’ll honk if I have to.

I “love

the outdoors and I’m not afraid to get dirty.

”

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BREW REVIEW EDITION

18 Cures

for the SUMMERTIME BREWS by SETH MILLER

IPA: India Pale Ale

Big Rock Brewery Ltd. Calgary, AB www.bigrockbeer.com

Our good friends at Big Rock have been sampling this spectacular nectar in their own tap room for a while now. At long last, we can finally purchase this clean, hopped-up libation for home consumption. We may never leave the house again. Australian Mountain Pepper Berry Amber’s Brewing Co. Edmonton, AB www.ambersbrewing.com

The lack of any notable foam or lace in this gorgeous ale was a bit surprising, but make no mistake ... this is a fully carbonated bottle of burping goodness. The slight fruity notes from the imported Australian berries adds a nice touch. Coney Island Human Blockhead Schmaltz Brewing Company Saratoga Springs, NY www.coneyislandlager.com

The first of the big boy bottles we tried in this year’s tasting was this dark, malty slice of heaven. Some sweetness that hints of figs and raisins and an alcohol punch that will send your head into happyland in a big hurry.

American IPA bottle: 341 ml abv: 5.5% RECOMMENDED GLASSWARE

Spiced Ale

bottle: 341 ml abv: 5% RECOMMENDED GLASSWARE

Doppelbock bottle: 650 ml abv: 10% RECOMMENDED GLASSWARE

MTL Premium Lager

Euro Pale Lager bottle: 341 ml abv: 4.5%

Brasseurs de Montréal Inc. Montréal, QC www.mtlpremiumlager.com

This golden brew is the perfect summer sipper (or gulper) for when you’re gathered with friends and enjoying the sunshine on a patio somewhere. A medium-bodied crisp taste with a slightly hopped finish. Devil’s Pale Ale

RECOMMENDED GLASSWARE

English Pale Ale can: 473 ml abv: 6%

Great Lakes Brewery Toronto, ON www.greatlakesbeer.com

We’ve never been partial to beer in cans, but the great thing about this delectable copper-coloured supercan of deliciousness is that you can easily pour it into a freezer-chilled pint glass and chug down all that Great Lakes glory. What The Huck

RECOMMENDED GLASSWARE

Spiced Wheat Ale bottle: 650 ml abv: 5%

Fernie Brewery Company Ltd. Fernie, BC www.ferniebrewing.com

From the land that gives us perfect winter skiing comes a beer that provides perfect summer drinking. A nice amber colour with a slight purplish hue gives this subtle, malty beer a sultry look to go along with that lightly hinted fruit flavour.

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’ n i g g i P ut! O Warthog Lumberjack Sandwich

THIS LUNCHTIME LEVIATHAN WILL FEED AN ENTIRE ARMY. IT’S PULLED PORK PARADISE! ingredients Pulled Pork:

Squire Scotch Ale

Scotch Ale

Cannery Brewing Co. Penticton, BC www.cannerybrewing.com

bottle: 650 ml abv: 6.5%

Ay, laddie! This be the brew that separates the men from the boys ... mostly because the boys can’t drink as much and they fall down faster. Plenty of foam and a thick, heavy taste of caramel to make your kilt fly up and show your caber! Original Organic Lager Mill St. Brewery Toronto, ON www.millstreetbrewery.com

Utilizing the clear bottle to show off that crystal clear straw-gold colour, this light lager is the ultimate chugging thirst quencher after one of those hot Saturday afternoons mowing the lawn. The crisp, clean flavour is unbeatable. Organic Münster Alt

Euro Pale Lager bottle: 341 ml abv: 4.2% RECOMMENDED GLASSWARE

Altbier

Pinkus Müller Brewery Münster, Germany www.pinkus-mueller.de

bottle: 500 ml abv: 5.1%

This is simply a half-litre of heaven. It pours with a generous amount of foam (what guy doesn’t like getting plenty of head?) and the herbaceous aroma mirrors the smooth, earthy taste as it glides effortlessly down your throat.

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RECOMMENDED GLASSWARE

1 1 1 1 1

Shoulder Roast of Pork Medium-sized Onion (chopped) Celery Stalk (chopped) Large Carrot (chopped) Granny Smith Apple (cored and chopped)

Marinade:

1 bottle Big Rock’s Warthog Ale ¼ cup Brown Sugar 6 cloves Minced Garlic ¼ cup Soya Sauce ¼ cup Worcestershire Sauce 2 tblsp Chili Powder 2 tsp Ground Cumin 2 tsp Ground Coriander ¼ cup Ketchup 1 tblsp Dried Rosemary

Sandwich Fixings:

1 Loaf of French Bread 1 cup Monterey Jack Cheese (grated) 1 Medium-sized Onion (thinly sliced) 4-6 Large Cremini Mushrooms (thinly sliced) 1 tblsp Butter or Margarine 1 tblsp vegetable oil

Place a pork shoulder roast into a large zip-lock freezer bag. Add all of the marinade ingredients (in no particular order). Seal the bag and massage everything around until it’s completely mixed and coating the pork. Let it sit overnight in the fridge. Pre-heat your oven to 250*F and heat up a large roasting pot on the stovetop to mediumhigh heat. Take the roast out of the marinade and pat it dry with paper towel. Do not discard the leftover marinade.

Brown the roast on all sides in the pot. Toss in the chopped onions, carrots, celery and apples and pour the remaining marinade over top. Cover and place the pot into the oven for eight hours. You can baste at the mid-way point, but it’s not necessary. Remove the roast from the oven and take it out of the pot. Leave it to stand on a cutting board. Strain the remaining juices from the pot and discard the leftover vegetable chunks. Pour the strained juices back into the pot and place it on the stovetop at low heat. Shred the pork meat, being sure to remove as much of the fat as possible, and return to the pot to soak in all the juices. In a medium-high heat frying pan, toss in the vegetable oil and butter or margarine. Once melted, throw in the sliced mushrooms and onions and sauté until caramelized. Turn on the oven’s broiler and set the oven rack to the middle position. Slice 1/3 of the French Loaf off and cut it in half. Spread the cheese onto both open halves of the bread and place them under the broiler until melted. Generously heap the pulled pork onto one half of the cheesy bread and then top with the caramelized mushrooms and onions. Place the other half of cheesy bread on top and you’re ready to rock ‘n roll!

Bard’s Gold

Bard’s Tale Beer Co. Utica, NY www.bardsbeer.com

Attention all celiacs! That lonesome, empty feeling of living a gluten-free (and beer-free!) lifestyle has officially come to an end. Suck back this tasty, copper-coloured sorghum brew and join the ranks of real beer drinkers at long last! Beach Blonde Lager

Tree Brewing Company Kelowna, BC www.treebeer.com

We like our beer like we like our women; beach blonde and six at a time! This latest offering from one of our favourite breweries is a classic summer lager. Clean, crisp flavour, with just the slightest kiss of citrus. Major drinkability! Double IPA: India Pale Ale Pike Brewing Co. Seattle, WA www.pikebrewing.com

Have you ever been kicked in the face with hops? Crack open one of these tall boys and you’ll know exactly how great it can feel. And if the bold bitterness of the hops doesn’t knock you on your ass, the 8% abv likely will.

Sorghum Lager bottle: 355 ml abv: 4.6% RECOMMENDED GLASSWARE

Euro Pale Lager can: 355 ml abv: 5% RECOMMENDED GLASSWARE

Imperial IPA bottle: 650 ml abv: 8% RECOMMENDED GLASSWARE

Traquair Jacobite

Scotch Ale

Traquair House Brewery Ltd. Innerleithen, Peeblesshire, Scotland www.traquair.co.uk

bottle: 330 ml abv: 8%

Pour one of these into your glass and you’d think you were serving up a cola. The heavy caramel colour is accented beautifully by the sweet, malty flavour. The herbal kiss of coriander is very slight next to the healthy, nutty finish.

RECOMMENDED GLASSWARE

Mai Bock

Maibock

Paddock Wood Brewing Co. Saskatoon, SK www.paddockwood.com

bottle: 355 ml abv: 7.3%

Our friends in Saskatoon have done it again. This refreshing, ruby-coloured brew has an instant kick of malt, but finishes with a well-balanced hint of hops. Consistency is key and we’ve yet to try a beer from this brewery that we didn’t like. Ayinger Jahrhundert Bier

Helles Lager

Privatbrauerei Franz Inselkammer Aying, Germany www.ayinger.de

bottle: 500 ml abv: 5.2%

Achtung, bitches! It’s time to fill your stein and drink like you’re celebrating Oktoberfest in the middle of summer. This fantastic tasting German lager pours with a slight cloudiness and a moderate amount of foam. Prost!

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Simple Beer Philosophy

ACCORDING TO CLIFF CLAVEN FROM TV’s CHEERS.

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Fat Tug

Driftwood Brewery Victoria, BC www.driftwoodbeer.com

This brew wins the VEX Award for Best Innuendo in a Name. It also wins top marks for its monster flavour! This is a big bottle with even bigger taste. Lift a frosty bottle of this golden goodness to your lips and you’ll drink it dry in one tip! Hop Yard Pale

Garrison Brewing Company Halifax, NS www.garrisonbrewing.com

Yo! It’s time for the East Coast to represent, boiii! This exquisite ale pours with a slight rust-coloured haze and coats your tongue with a smooth, dry, nutty flavour that satisfies completely in our pursuit of hoppiness. Raasted Pilsner

Raasted Bryghus Randers, Denmark www.raastedbryghus.dk

It’s a Danish take on a Czech classic. A mildly cloudy, straw-coloured elixir that delivers an incredible amount of flavour, accented by sweet malt and floral notes. If this is the drink, then there’s nothing rotten in the state of Denmark!

American IPA bottle: 650 ml abv: 7% RECOMMENDED GLASSWARE

Euro Pale Ale bottle: 341 ml abv: 5.3% RECOMMENDED GLASSWARE

Czech Pilsner bottle: 330 ml abv: 4.6% RECOMMENDED GLASSWARE

“Well you see, Norm, it’s like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

A MIL

S A MILL LIIO G N ON TH HII NGS PT IN TIIN THE E MP NEESSSS IN T THE LIFE AND LAUGHS OF HARLAND WILLIAMS BY BILL ROBINSON PORTRAIT COURTESY OF HARLAND WILLIAMS STAND-UP PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARK G. BILODEAU

ARLAND WILLIAMS IS STILL EMPLOYED AS A BUSBOY AT BREGMAN’S BAKERY IN DOWNTOWN TORONTO. He actually had a few different jobs before becoming a comedian, but none of them seemed to stick. “I was a carpet cleaner for one day. I was so dismayed, it was kind of a con job. Once you see a soiled white carpet that looks like Bryan Adam’s teeth, it kind of just can’t get clean. I ended up giving my paycheque to one of the customers at the end of the day because I felt so bad for him. I was also a busboy for two days – technically I still am, because my boss asked me if I wanted to go on a break, and I said yes. I’m still on it because I never went back.” IN THE BEGINNING… Harland Williams is a man who emanates energy. He’s been in the funny business now for well over 15 years, and he is far from winding down. I wonder where this energy comes from, and if he’s always had it. “I was a butterscotchy little fella when I was five or six, more like Curious George than anything. I was fascinated by everything. I wanted to learn. I was grabbing things, looking at books. I think I could read by the time I was two. I was thinking about stuff all the time, nothing has changed there. My brain never shuts off. It plays into my comedy. It plays into my whole life. I’m always thinking of something, and that can be a bit of a curse sometimes because I can never just sit and stare at a wall. The wall turns into so many different things.” Several times throughout the interview, the man tells me that he is shy. He makes a point of it – full disclosure – but up until the age of ten, he had no fear of talking with people. When he got a little older, he got really shy, especially with the ladies. “I didn’t know how to deal with them. I was a

“Once you see a soiled white carpet that looks like Bryan Adam’s teeth, it kind of just can’t get clean.” late bloomer. I didn’t have a girlfriend until I was 19. I mean, me with no girl? What the hell?” We are both laughing at this point in the conversation, and it is difficult for me to tell just how serious this renowned comedian is being. In all respects, it seems that he truly is shy – conscious that he does not wish to speak solely of himself, and yet, that is all we have planned to talk about. Unless asked a specific question, he won’t bring up a story because he doesn’t want to come across as arrogant. Talking about yourself takes on a greater meaning when the person you are talking to is writing down your every word and planning to share it with the world. There is the sense that Harland has always been a little different. The good news is that he’s always embraced it. “High school is where I took the corner and started recognizing that I could be funny. It was in high school that humour started working for me, like it was something that maybe I had over the other kids. I started to realize that I could be a little quicker on the draw than the other kids, I had snappier responses when it came to humour. I realized that my humour could win people over, charm my teachers. I remember I used to do impressions for my teachers. I could be the teacher’s pet by singing Edith Bunker or W.C. Fields…all these crazy voices I could do.” And yet, the shyness persisted. How is it then that this man can get up on stage in front of thousands of people, in the riskiest

of public endeavours? He does stand-up comedy! When I ask him if he is over his shyness now, he shakes his head. “If we’re being honest, not really. I’m still kind of a little shy – when I’m on stage, I’m fearless. I’m not afraid of anything. When the camera is rolling and I’m doing a movie, no problem. But when I’m around people, I might put on a good face, but I’m still a little shy.” We’re starting to get to the heart of something that I’ve always wondered now. Do famous people have a different persona when they are performing on stage or in front of a camera? Are they in essence two different people – one public and one private? “I don’t take on a different persona, but I know that I’m up there having fun for myself and I know that I’m not really answering to anyone. I’m performing for a camera which isn’t a person. I’m performing for the lights. And of course I know the end result, there’s people out there, but I don’t feel I’m out to please one individual. Everything becomes everyone so I can just let ‘er rip and it will just snowstorm and it will land on everybody. The humour will just land on everybody who is there. People come to my show that I know I get shy on stage – I like them seeing me, but if I know they are there it totally freaks me out and changes my energy.” So I wonder what will happen if I appear in the front row of his show that night, knowing that there must be times when that happens. “I do warn people I know, yeah. I tell them not to sit in the front row…when I see people I know, I feel like, ‘oh man, there’s someone I know, I can’t be goofy and crazy and let it rip because they know me.’” He laughs as he says this, but there is a sincerity in the man’s voice that makes me appreciate just how candid he is being. Shy comedian sounds about as oxymoronic as tall midget, or fast fat kid. OH, THE PLACES YOU WILL GO. Many

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Hillarious Harland Movie Moments of us make a hundred styles, props, voices, decisions everyday tones. Now when I’m on without considering stage, it’s just me, and where those decisions letting my own energy might lead us. Harland come flying through, Williams seems to have which is a very comfortalways known which able place to be. I actudirection he was headally went through some ing, or at the very least, transformations over what road he was on. the years with different DUMB & DUMBER 1994 ROCKETMAN 1997 From the early days, art incarnations of myself, “You fellas been doing a bit of “It reminds me of a French Canadian was an important part of which were more sucboozing, have you? Suckin back on tennis racket, stuck to the back of a what made him who he cessful than what I have grandpa’s old cough medicine?” Venus snow-goon, bubbling out of was. “Art has been a now in terms of what the my sister’s Brazilian donkey. I don’t think I can make myself any clearer!” big part of my life even audience gave me, you since I was a little kid. know…but those were I’ve always drawn and places where I didn’t wanted to be an artist. I feel true to what I was did it all through school, bringing, so I’ve adjustthen I went to college to ed my energy to a place do animation, then did a where I feel comfortable bunch of kid’s books so with what I’m doing.” I could draw for a living. We should all have Get my art out to peolife goals. High tarple and maybe affect gets that give our lives THERE’S SOMETHING EMPLOYEE OF THE the minds of kids, offer meaning and allow our ABOUT MARY 1998 MONTH 2006 something to kids. So passions to thrive. As “Seven little chipmunks twirlin’ on a “Oh yeah ... that picture goes up on I’ve always just appreI mention to Harland all branch, eatin’ lots of sunflowers on the wall ... she slides into the sack ciated art, drawing and that he has done in his my uncle’s ranch. You know that old faster than a singed Koala bear creating characters. I’m career, Letterman, HBO children’s tale from the sea. It’s like looking for an all night burn center.” you’re dreamin’ about Gorgonzola actually developing all specials, Leno, Comcheese when it’s clearly Brie time, that stuff now. I have a edy Central, etc., it bebaby.” motion picture in develcomes clear to me that opment at Dreamworks, a good portion of the a CGI full featuregoals Harland set for length movie, develophimself before he left for ing a Saturday morning cartoon for Donald L.A. have now been accomplished. With ER. The concept that everyone in L.A., be Trump, another animated film for a different all that success, there must have been a it waiter, hairdresser, or pizza delivery guy, studio…so animation is playing a big role in point where he felt, ‘yeah, I’ve made it.’ “In is trying to get into the business is considmy life right now.” terms of stand-up comedy, as far as certain ered fact. Harland must have had to slug it Despite where life has taken him, there milestones go, I felt my goal was to get on out for a while before making his mark. Or is something distinctly grounded about this Letterman. Once I got there I felt that I’d maybe not. “I don’t want to sound cocky, funny man. He projects a confidence in made it in terms of that life objective. I’d but I was an instant hit. The first night I what he is doing. If you ask him, he’ll say made it in terms of my status in the comperformed in Hollywood, I was offered two he always knew, but I wonder. There must edy community. Of course, I never feel as television shows. National comedy shows have been other funny people out there if I can stop pushing myself. As far as bethat they used to have. An Evening at the who didn’t have the courage to leave their ing a comedian, if you want to call it an art Improv was one of them, and Comedy on hometown, Toronto in his case, and head form, I think that art just never stops morthe Road was the other. I walked off stage to L.A., where he would either make it or phing, changing, growing. I hope I never my first night and they offered me those two it would break him. “Yeah, that was a big get ‘there’ because I don’t think you ever shows, and I was like, this is a great place. leap. I think the advantage I had, without get ‘there’. I think the real dream of art is Things just kept going from there, it never sounding cocky…I had this burning ember to pursue it, and never catch it, because stopped.” or whatever, this feeling in my gut or spirit. the moment you think that you’ve caught THE EVOLUTION OF A COMEDIAN. I believed my whole life that I was heading art, then there is no more imagination left Deepak Chopra says that in every moment, towards L.A. I just felt it and knew it. It in it and art is finished. I like chasing that we are reinvented, so that the ‘you’ who exwas scary to get up and leave everything I ambiguity. I like knowing that no matter isted a minute ago is replaced by the new knew, but somehow, I knew it was going to how hard I try, there is no end to it. I have ‘you’. You are a different person because be okay. I did not have anxiety. I had anxito keep climbing and searching.” When you are a moment older, wiser, and have ety about physically moving, but my insides you’ve accomplished your life goals, which had new experiences. The same thing always told me that I’d be on the big screen I can only hope we all get to experience must apply to a comedian’s career. To stay one day and I’d be on Letterman, all the someday, Harland shows us that there refresh, there almost needs to be a conscious things that I’m doing now.” ally is only one thing to do – write a new list. reinventing of one’s self, not to mention the We’ve all heard the stories about how Sometimes there can be too much of wisdom that comes with having done sometough it is to make it in Hollywood. Rua good thing. Or rather, too many good thing successfully for years. “My early mour has it that George Clooney slept in things – at least if you’re trying to get Harstand-up show, I was still finding my voice. I a closet for years before landing a gig on land Williams to pin down his life’s best mowas more charactery or gimmicky, different

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Dumb & Dumber © New Line Cinema. All Rights Reserved Rocketman © Walt Disney Pictures. All Rights Resrved There’s Something About Mary © Twentieth Century Fox. All Rights Reserved Employee of the Month © Lions Gate Entertainment. All Rights Reserved.

“I don’t

want to sound

cocky, b ut I was an instant hit.”

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ment. I keep trying to get him to commit to one, but he shadowboxes me away, as if he’d be cheating on his other great memories to identify just one. “It seems weird, but my whole journey has been one big lucky day. I’ve been able to accomplish all these dreams that I’ve aimed for. I haven’t had a boss, I haven’t had a real boss since I walked out of that bakery, so hopefully he doesn’t read this, because if he does, I’m busted. I’m probably going to be docked some pay, given the crappy shifts when I get back, but since then I haven’t had a boss in 30 years. I’ve had people that have employed me, but I don’t consider a movie, a sitcom, or doing stand-up like going to the office, it’s me having a blast. I don’t think I can pick out just one day. I know the first time I did Letterman it hit me like a punch, ‘cause that was the bulls-eye. I had a really good show. Dave called me over to the couch, and that wasn’t planned. He talked to me on the air. I killed it, I felt like this was what I had aimed for and it happened. I felt high for a year.” HEY! I KNOW YOU! There is a very one-sided relationship most of us experience with famous people. Don’t believe me? Check out the magazine rack the next time you’re at a grocery store. I guarantee that Angelina Jolie does not have a magazine on her kitchen counter with the title, ‘Dave Jones mows his lawn!’ or ‘Carly Fenton makes toast for breakfast!’. Yet, with the help of the paparazzi feeding a society’s mindless desire to live vicariously through

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the famous, and a 24-hour media machine that has more broadcast time than news, we are presented more information about movie stars and comedians than maybe is healthy for them or us. In short, we think we know these people, when in reality we’ve never really met. When I try to pin down whether Harland considers himself famous or recognizable, he answers almost immediately. “I say both. If you’re recognizable, you’re probably famous – and what I don’t like about interviews is that I hate sounding cocky, but the truth is that anywhere I go, and I’ve been around the world, I get recognized. Remote places like Easter Island, India, Africa, any town or city I’ve been to, I get recognized – the benefit is that you get a lot of respect from people. They like my work, they know my work, they appreciate my work, and that feels really good. Sometimes that also leads to some fun freebies, getting through lines, getting treated on a different level.” Who wouldn’t appreciate the special treatment famous people get? I imagine that even though most of us won’t admit it, it’s a big reason why anybody would want to be famous in the first place. There have to be some perks, because let’s face it, as much as we raise our eyebrows when a star talks about how tough it is to be them, we have to acknowledge that there is definitely a downside to being recognizable, famous, or both. “Yeah, it’s fantastic. It’s very nice. But the other side is that I can’t go into a restaurant by myself or walk around by myself because I don’t want to deal with people coming up to me. Not in a bad way, it’s not them, it’s just like it can cause a bit of social anxiety. When so many strangers come at you, you don’t know how to react sometimes.” That may have something to do with that one-way relationship people share with famous people. When I mention this

to Harland, he seems to agree. “Yeah, sometimes they go, ‘you really do talk like that’, or, ‘you really are funny’. It’s not that they want me to put on a show, it’s just that when they know you, or feel they know you, they want to touch you, they want to have a piece of you, and somehow have an interaction with you. I’m not against that. I think it’s fantastic that you can bring that out in people, but I’m just saying that the whole thing can be overwhelming when they are in that mind space and you aren’t. You just want to stand in line and get your wing on at KFC, and the guy behind you in line is like, ‘Can I get a picture? You gotta talk to my friend on my cell phone.’ I was walking down the street the other night in Hollywood and some guy ran out of a place and yelled, ‘Harland, where are you going?’ I was freaked out. I was like ‘What do you mean? Are you a spy? Are you in the CIA? What do you mean where am I going? Why would I tell you that? Stuff like that takes a lot of getting used to, but the bottom line is you bring a lot of joy to people and that’s what overshadows the negative. I can be walking down the street, a guy will look up, see my face and just start laughing. You walk into a store and a guy yells, ‘I love you man’. Some stranger just said he loves me and you know you’ve brought joy to them and that brings joy to me.” And then there are times when it goes a few steps beyond weird. “There was a time just before I left Toronto, a fan was obsessed with coming to my shows. I got nervous about it - they wanted to talk to me after the show and I hid in the green room. The next thing I know, this person was in the bathroom downing bottles of pills and trying to kill themselves. They had to be rushed to ER and have their stomach pumped. It was just twisted and weird to me, there was some other issues going on but the fact that they hung it on me made me feel freaked

out, and such severe activity based on not being able to interact with me.” Admittedly, most people are pretty normal and what they want from famous people isn’t much more than an autograph, a picture, or a moment with a cultural icon. But not everyone stops there. Some people feel the sway of that one-way connection more powerfully than others. “That’s what I’m talking about. You don’t know what a stranger’s motive or energy is. You don’t know what is going on in their world, but they feel they know you. Trying to sort through that energy when they meet you can cause anxiety, I think, for anyone who is in the limelight or is famous. It’s an interesting dance. Most of us, before I was well-known, I had a certain amount of people in my life. I knew them and they knew me, and outside of seeing them, nobody walked up on the subway and said, ‘hey man.’ You kind of have your pockets of people that you deal with, but when you’re well-known, you deal with everyone. There are a lot of people out there and it can get heavy sometimes.” MAKE NO MISTAKE, HARLAND WILLIAMS APPRECIATES ALL THAT HE HAS. Good things often lead to even greater opportunities. A wise man appreciates what he has, while still being able to look to the future. Harland Williams is a wise man. “Doors have opened because of my career for sure, but in another sense, because of what I do, I’ve been able to stop and enjoy the moments. I’ve turned down movie parts or projects because, you know, I could just

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keep working and working all the time, and there is a world out there to see. So because of the work I do, it has given me the luxury to travel the world. When I was young, I wanted to see the pyramids, Easter Island, the Taj Mahal. I wanted to go to Africa and go on a safari – and I’ve done all that. All the stuff I’ve dreamed of, I’ve done. It’s cool man, and fun, and it’s because of my work that it’s happened. I’ve worked my own hours, set my own pace, and it has afforded me these types of things.” And sometimes, there are just moments in his life where it becomes crystal clear just how far his life has come. “It’s weird. I look at all the things, the opportunities…I’m standing in the shadow of the pyramids, or a jungle in Africa, or on the set with Dustin Hoffman, Robert De Niro, Jim Carrey, Bruce Willis… my mind always goes back to standing on a cold street corner in North York, Ontario and taking the bus to high school. My mind goes back and I wonder, ‘how did I go from that to this?’ I always think of it as a gift. I hope along the way I’ve given back by adding joy and laughter to the world.” A LOOK INSIDE. Harland Williams is a man whose voice and face are appreciated the world over. You might think that because you recognize him as the pee-drinking Pennsylvania State Trooper from Dumb and Dumber, or from one of his many other projects, you know him as a person. You don’t. So when I ask him what we should know about him, he laughs. “There’s a billion things that they should know, but I’m shy. I wouldn’t reveal them unless I was asked. Everyone is complex, and there are a lot of things that people don’t know, but I wouldn’t know where to start. I love wide empty spaces like the desert where people think there isn’t much but I always see a million things in emptiness. I don’t know, that’s where I get shy talking. Unless I get asked, I don’t want to feel like I am

just talking about myself, which I am, plus I wouldn’t know where to start. I’ve written poetry, deeper thoughts, that I’ve never really shared with anyone. I think if I ever did life again I think I might be a singer. I’ve always loved music and singing. Now that I’ve conquered the comedy beast, and now that I know I’m not afraid to be on stage, I’d like to put all the energy into being a rock ‘n’ roller. It would be fun just to be up there and moving people with song. I dabbled in it a little bit with my cousin (Kevin Hearn of the Barenaked Ladies), but it would take another lifetime of energy to do it. They talk about being reincarnated…I wish it would happen but so you could be aware of what happened in the last life so you could say to yourself, ‘OK, I’ve done that, now I want to do this.’ If I could come back, I feel like I’d want to bring song to people. I feel like I could write good songs. That’s just something that’s in my spirit. I have no proof that I could do it, but I’m just going to go with it. That’s the truest, most honest answer I could give you. Thanks to him (Kevin Hearn), we’ve collaborated and I’ve actually been able to fulfil my dream a little bit. We have kind of a hobby band we do every once in a while. I sing, he plays, and just tasting that little bit gave me the hint that I’d love to sit in a studio and engineer an album, belt out some tunes, sing some love songs. That may sound stupid, but that’s what’s in my spirit.” And then there are the stories you might hear if you were at a party with him. The ones that a normal guy would love to tell, partly because they are the most interesting things about him, but also because they are great moments to relive. “I think I talked to an angel once, like a spiritual mystical angel. It’s a long story, but I think I was visited by an angel. I was at a burger joint and this person sat down across from me, and my first thought was, ‘this person

is dead’ as I looked into their charcoal-coloured eyes. They spoke, and they said, ‘I died seven months ago.’ Fill in the blanks from there – I went from terror to complete adulation in the span of 30 minutes. Another story was when I got charged by a 500 pound gorilla on the side of a volcano in the jungles of Rwanda. We were tracking the mountain gorillas and the biggest male on the mountain charged me. He came within two feet of me, then turned and went the other way. It was a mock charge. If he’d completed the charge, we wouldn’t be having this interview.” Something that Harland Williams is very proud of is his podcast, ‘The Harland Highway’. Most times, when someone famous gets interviewed, or puts up with an interview, it’s because they are plugging their book/movie/show, etc. Inevitably in those scenarios, there is a trade-off. We get a brief glimpse into this famous person’s personal life as they tell us a quirky anecdote about themselves, and then they get to promote whatever it is they are promoting, which invariably benefits them. Harland’s podcast isn’t like that. He gets nothing from it, but that’s not how he sees it. “I do it free. My friends ask why I do it. So much time, effort and production, I do it three days a week, you’re not getting anything…I am getting something, the ability to make someone laugh was given to me, and all I can do with it is share it with people. I can’t make a crow laugh, or a brick wall laugh, and some people can’t make it to a stand-

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up club, or can’t afford a movie or a concert. What’s beautiful about my podcast, is if you think I’m funny, I can send it out to people (harlandwilliams.com)…stretched out themes of comedy focus in a longer format where I can just let it flow. “ FAME! I WANT TO LIVE FOREVER! There are two ways to play courtyard basketball, at least in my world, and those are: Winners’ Outs and Losers’ Outs. Losers’ Outs was when the team or person that got scored on gets the ball to start the next play. I never liked that one because it always seemed a bit of a reverse metaphor on life to me. Life doesn’t reward losers. It just doesn’t. That’s why Winner’s Outs always appealed to me so much more. Winners get on a roll, and once there, it is easier to maintain that momentum. And make no mistake, Harland Williams is a winner. “On one level I feel satisfied. I’m a kid from the suburbs of Toronto with a dream, and almost every dream I had before leaving for L.A. has come true…I do feel very happy and lucky and proud that all that stuff has happened, but I keep going, there are new phases of life, there’s new things to accomplish. If nothing else, I’m probably closer to the end now than I am to the beginning. I’m going to be 50 in two years, and I know I’ve got so much left in me…I’ve always had so much energy, and it hasn’t dimmed at all. You start to see people get older, and you’re like, ‘no, I’m not ready yet!’ It’s like Logan’s Run, I don’t want to get sucked into that ceiling fan in the roof.” Much like when you are winning at basketball, you don’t want the game to end, Harland Williams doesn’t seem ready to give things up, not now, and not ever. I’ve always thought that a good way to ensure that you are seizing the day, is to look back on your life as if you were on your death bed. What do you see? I’ve always wanted to live with the least number of regrets and

die with the best stories. It seems, that despite having a life filled with incredible stories, Harland Williams isn’t ready to depart this earth just yet. “I think I’ve got to become a Highlander and just keep going, or find the kids from Twilight and tell them to suck on me. I want to be immortal. I’ll cover myself in bacon, and let the Twilight kids buffet me. No, I’ve got a lot of great stories. I don’t have the most, because I haven’t seen and done everything…I hope there’s a million more to come because like I said in the beginning, I’ve always been a little Curious George – and I tell you what, this little monkey needs more bananas.” AND IF THE WHOLE GETTING SUCKED ON BY THE KIDS FROM TWILIGHT THING DOESN’T WORK OUT… Assuming that immortality isn’t an option, I wanted to know what Harland Williams would have on his tombstone. “I’ve always had a saying I came up with, ‘live life, don’t let life live you’. I came up with it at an early age. I looked around and saw that a lot of people in the world let life live them as opposed to people sitting down and going, ‘this is my life, what do I want to do?’ How do I want to steer the ship in the short time we are here, what do I want to accomplish? I think because we live in a society with a lot of rules and patterns and constraints that people kind of let life push them in the direction life wants to push them, rather than the other way around.” The man is generous with his time, so knowing that he has a show to do, I thank him for the depth and honesty of his answers. Before I go though, I mention that even though he is shy, it would be great to know that he’d gone back to Bregman’s Bakery and hung up a picture of himself there someday. He laughs at this. “I was shy then too. That’s why I didn’t ask my boss if I could leave, I just never came back.” 

A Night Out

with

party-girl

spends some time with

VEX

and talks about riding

hogs, kicking

balls

Ferd Isaac

blonde

photography by

platinum

this

hair and makeup by nicole ziegler

Nicole Johnson

and going out for a night

on the town with her girlfriends. N The 2011

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FAST FACTS: BIRTHDAY:

We understand you’re a big motorcycle fan. Do you ride? Not yet! I’ve always wanted one. I’ve ridden dirtbikes before and, oh my god, are they fun! What kind of bike are you hoping to be your first? I can only see myself on a crotch rocket. I’ve been looking at Hondas mostly, but it’ll all come down to what size of bike I can actually handle. I’m honestly so excited. I want an all black bike. And I’ll for sure rock black boots and a pink helmet, if I can find a good one. It’ll look hot! Can’t wait. What are you looking forward to more; hitting the highway or just bombing around the city? I wouldn’t mind taking a ride with some friends to the mountains, but I think I’d be more into just cruising downtown Edmonton. I’ve always wanted to join in on the bike meets that happen on Whyte Ave. Are you big into any sports at all? I don’t really watch sports. I’m a huge soccer

fan though. I’ve played ever since I was six, with mostly the same group of girls and I love them all to death! They are so much fun to party with, and soccer games are always a gong show that I look forward too. Our team is probably best known for being hung over at games ... or possibly still intoxicated. But ssshh ... you didn’t hear that from me.

February 11, 1991 FROM:

Edmonton, AB. THE BODY:

34C - 26 - 32 FAVOURITE TV SHOW:

Two and a Half Men HIDDEN TALENT:

“I can whistle with my fingers louder than anyone I know. It’s pretty impressive!”

it’s always a good time! But sometimes I just like to go somewhere like Hudsons, chill with some friends and get a few pitchers. Sometimes those are the best nights. I can’t usually remember them, but you just know it was a good night!

TURN-ONS:

If you meet a guy at the bar you’re interested in, would you give him your phone number? BBM is god! I just TURN-OFFS: Where do you like to go exchange PINs, and “Some guys just straight up grab when you’re heading then the next morning I girls. Not cool, guys. Not cool! out for a night on the text him to decide if he’d You just can’t do that! ” town? be fun to go out with. I usually hit up Whyte If not, I delete him and Ave or Jasper Ave. I hear Vinyl is pretty he can never contact me again. It’s perfect. solid on Fridays, so I’ll probably scope out I’m usually pretty good at getting a guy’s full that place over the summer. I’m a big fan of name so I can creep him on Facebook the Empire Ballroom, they sometimes bring in next day. (laughs) But seriously, who doesn’t DJ’s to play a show and it gets so packed Facebook stalk? “I think it’s mostly confidence, that’s a huge turn on for me. And a nice smile. I can always appreciate nice teeth!”

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BREW REVIEW EDITION

Nick Ring

spotlight

AS HE PREPARES FOR UFC 131, THE FORMER RESIDENT OF THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER HOUSE REFLECTS ON WHAT BROUGHT HIM TO THIS POINT IN HIS LIFE.

by ANNA SANTIAGO photograph by MARK G. BILODEAU



This job opens you up to a lot of work-related injuries, doesn’t it?

When did you start your fighting career?

I began in 1996 in Calgary. It was a kickboxing match. I did that for a few years ... just straight up kickboxing, no ground fighting or grappling. 2002 is when I actually started doing MMA fighting.

What made you want to become a professional fighter?

I liked the excitement of it. After seeing these guys fight ... well, I’m the type of guy who’s like, ‘I gotta do that too!’ I can’t sit there on the sidelines and watch everybody else have all the fun.

So, do you treat it like a passion or is it more like a job?

I always treat it like a job. Even when I was fighting amateur. I put all the same hours in. In this kind of a sport, if you wanna be successful you have to treat it like a job. Just like if you were a banker or a lawyer, you’d be putting in your eight hours a day doing that, so for me it’s exactly the same. If you wanna get the results, you have to be regimented about it and put in regular time, whether you feel like it or not.

shot on location at BDB Martial Arts in Calgary, AB.

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I’ve had a few really bad injuries. I’ve been training for a total of 17 years and I’ve probably got seven years worth of injuries. It’s brutal, but if you wanna be doing this you gotta be prepared for some of that kind of down time. I’ve blown my ACL three times now and I’ve had three ACL surgeries.

Were you ever worried that your knee would be a factor in the outcome of your first big fight?

No. I didn’t think about it really. I’ve been very diligent with my rehab and I wouldn’t have taken a fight if I didn’t feel it was strong enough. Is it the same? No. Is it good enough? Yes. I just deal with it.

One of your injuries happened during your stint on the Ultimate Fighter. Things were cut short, but what was it like being in that house? I lived in the Ultimate Fighter house for six weeks. It is the most boring thing I’ve ever done [laughs]. You know, for the TV show, they fit six weeks into twelve hours, so you get to see a lot of the drama compressed, but you don’t get to see a lot of it too. It’s very routine; they take you from the house to the gym, from the gym to the house. You do that twice a day, so there’s a lot of driving involved and a lot of waiting around. I mean it was fun, but that’s gotta be the oddest, most strange circumstance I’ve ever had to live in, being in that house. You are absolutely separated from reality ... completely. You don’t have your normal network of friends. They take your cell phone away, there’s no internet, no television, no books, no newspapers. The

whole environment is set up so that you’re interacting with each other all of the time. Even right down to your bedroom, there’s no doors in the bedrooms so you can hear what everybody’s doing 100% of the time. There’s no sanctuary.

Was there much tension between you and the other fighters?

You know, there was tension, but I think there was more between some of the other guys than there was with me. I’m actually very laid-back. Obviously, people will get on each other’s nerves, but I’ve lived with roommates for years so you just gotta know how to handle it.

Leading up to UFC 127 you spent almost two months training at the Tristar Gym in Montreal. What was that like?

It was incredible to be around that level of fighting. I mean, besides GSP, who is obviously very talented, but there’s also a lot of other very talented guys there so I can see why Georges is so good. He’s surrounded himself with some of the best people in the world in this sport. He’s an incredible athlete and there are a lot of other incredible athletes there who are maybe a little less known than GSP. I’m not surprised at the amount of

“I CAN’T SIT THERE ON THE SIDELINES AND WATCH EVERYBODY ELSE HAVE ALL THE FUN.”

success he’s had, because he’s constantly around that environment.

Were you star-struck?

Yeah, a little bit. Training is training, no matter where you are, but yeah ... being around these guys, you’ve only ever seen on TV, it’s hard not to think to yourself, ‘Wow, I’m actually training with these guys!’ It was an incredible experience for me.

Have you watched the tape of your UFC 127 fight yet?

I haven’t watched the tape. I know about the controversy and blah blah blah, but all I gotta say is, if you don’t like the outcome don’t leave it in the judges’ hands. That fight went to me. I won two rounds so they gave it to me. People can bitch all they want but that’s the rules of the game.

Why do you think that so many people are questioning your win?

Well, I think the controversy starts with the commentating. You’ve got the commentators yelling in everybody’s ears that I’m losing, so of course most people are going to jump right on the bandwagon. I mean, you turn the sound off on the fight and it looks a lot different. If there’s no volume on the fight, it turns out that it was a lot more of a close match. But when you’ve got the commentators determining the flavour of the fight, it becomes a lot more controversial then.

If you weren’t a professional fighter what would you be doing? Probably real estate. I love it. I like to take something ugly and turn it into something pretty and make money off it. I do a lot of that in my spare time.

THE BOONS

We’re officially canonizing the man who

religious By Trevor Campbell

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TOCK SAINT

makes canadaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s biggest rock show a truly

experience! Images courtesy of Boonstock Productions Ltd.

he Rolling Stones were not asked to play Woodstock, but if Colin Kobza, the patron saint of rock ‘n’ roll in Alberta, has his way, they will play his four-day outdoor rock festival, Boonstock. Colin is Boonstock’s creator, curator, all-around errand guy and a rock ‘n’ roll fan with a clear vision. “My goal for the 10th reunion of Boonstock is the Rolling Stones. And this is a serious conversation.”

But, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves. When it comes to buying real estate, the old saying goes, there are three things to look for - location, location and location. But does this apply to rock ‘n’ roll? Exhibit A: the most famous rock festival ever, “Woodstock” took place in, well, Woodstock, New

York, about halfway between New York City and Albany, New York, or in other words, the middle of nowhere. If you think about it, that makes perfect sense. You can’t hold a four-day outdoor rock concert downtown next to City Hall. After all, they get pissed off about lawn mower noise after the supper hour, but will the people come to the middle

� It’s the greatest backyard bash to ever hit the prairies!

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of nowhere? Woodstock, you ask? 500,000 people came. Just how did they do it? Beginner’s luck? There must be more to picking a rock festival location than just moving the local bovine population out of the way. Are there teams of marketing geniuses and geologists combing the earth looking for the perfect spot for rock festivals? Did the Woodstock people know something? Did Colin? Exhibit B: Alberta’s very own outdoor rock festival, Boonstock. In keeping with the remote location theory, Boonstock is located in Gibbons, Alberta, just outside of Edmonton, up Township Road 563. Talk about a seemingly super unsexy festival location. Colin expanded on the process, “Boonstock is where I grew up. Part of it’s on my mom and dad’s land and part of it’s a piece of land that I lease.” Not much market research involved in that declaration. So if you rock out, literally in your backyard, will they come? Colin reported that 2010 Boonstock’s attendance over the fourday weekend was 30,000 plus people. The defense rests, Your Honor. Rock out and location doesn’t matter. As it turns out, according to Colin, location was never really a concern. It was never intended to be a festival at all. “Never in a million years did I ever think it was going to be like this. It was actually, initially a birthday [party] for a buddy named Wes McDonald, a.k.a. Pothole.” For Pothole’s birthday, Colin wanted a Woodstock-type festival even if they were out in the Alberta boonies. Wait! Get it? Yes, that IS why it’s now called Boonstock. Colin said, “we were all pretty crazy kids and we just decided to call it Boonstock… we partied hard, Woodstock kinda vibe…but we were in the boonies.” About to rock out for it’s sixth year (not counting the birthday party), there is something special about knowing that Boonstock exists because some dude just wanted a bigger party. Mom was right that sharing is good for you. But, not everyone shared Colin’s enthusiasm. “I talked to the initial guy who was involved, Wes, and said, ‘hey dude, do you want to pursue this and kinda grow it bigger?’ and he said ‘fuck no, I don’t want to…I’ll just keep it a birthday.’” However, Colin had a vision to grow it, so, “I just took it on myself.”

Pothole, what were you thinking? Shortly after the birthday party, Colin was contacted by Barry Bailey, who would play a major role in helping Colin launch Boonstock. “If you could, [mention] Barry Bailey because he’s a very big contributor to Boonstock.” Colin explained that Barry helped with the original birthday party music production and afterwards checked in with Colin to see how everything went. It was during this phone call that the conversation to elevate Boonstock to the next level took place. “I was just this young punk with a vision, and Barry wasn’t old, but an older guy. He was pretty good at the logistics side of it. So he helped me out with permits, planning, you know.” And so the two of them worked toward launching the first “festival atmosphere” Boonstock. They say you always remember your first Boonstock (or something like that) and for Colin, it was no different. For him, and most of us, frankly, the biggest hurtle was, “the fear of the unknown, not really knowing what you’re doing. You’re throwing a rock show, that’s how it was initially branded a rockfest, and you don’t really know what you’re doing.” Oh, how we stumble through that first one, so nervous, not sure what to do first, mom and dad helping you make the place look nice for your big day, putting out the good hay bale stage. “Dad’s been kinda my right-hand man, he’s been there right with us building stages out of hay bales and getting to the point where we were bringing stages that Nickelback has played on.” Size, it would seem, does eventually matter. Pulling back the sheets on the first Boonstock lineup, they had DJ Dusty Grooves, Long Way Down, Dead End Drive and headliners Second Hand Silence. Boonstock must be doing something right as Long Way Down has returned to Gibbons every year since and are the only band to do so. To continue the dating metaphor, that’s as steady a girlfriend as you get in rock ‘n’ roll! However, it was his first time that Colin did have his issues with those bra straps (ok, that was last dating metaphor), “the first Boonstock was a gong show. We called this company called T&A and we had oil wrestlers that ended up getting naked. The party didn’t stop for about two days, neighbors called, the police came… it was pretty interesting.” An awkward first show to say the least, so how many people were at this rock and oil fest, you ponder? A scant 165 people. Ouch.

� Colin Kobza is the man behind the music.

photo by Ferd Isaac

And did the young Colin learn anything? “Taking it to another level, you have to follow procedure, you have to get the permits, you have to shut it down [for] noise bylaw. You have to follow the logistics just to keep everybody on your side. Obviously, when you’re doing something like this, the younger demographic loves it, but the neighboring demographic hates it. You have to be polite

and respect them as well.” The first one is always awkward, but a with little guidance, a little help, you learn and grow, as did Boonstock’s event and team. “I don’t think, in this business, you ever stop learning. There are tough days… hiring outfits and them telling you one thing and then not delivering. I think one of the most critical learning points I ever learned was

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� The chick in the front row/center just cracks us up!

at Boonstock 2008. We were supposed to [host] 6,000 people and be one of the biggest events in Alberta and we lost a lot of money. My dad walked up to me on the Sunday and I had my head hung low. He was with my mom and they just looked at me and said they were proud of me. Dad told me, ‘quit pouting and clean up the mess and let’s talk.’ At that point they kinda became my business partners. There was no way me being 26-years-old was able to pay that kinda money back to a lot of people. There would be no Boonstock without the help of my mom and dad in the early days. They are as much Boonstock as I am. They put in 16 to 20 hour shifts at Boonstock.”

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It’s not JUST mom and dad doing all the work. Promise. It’s now a year round thing for Colin, “I’m full-time Boonstock, yeah. It seems that in other years we were putting in five to ten hours a week, but now we’re putting in 40 hours.” To Colin, ‘we’ means the Boonstock team including promotions manager, Greg Turner; vendor and ticket manager, Kathy Buehler; port-a-potty manager, Joel Gervell; security, dozens of others and of course… mom and dad, Kurt and Deb Kobza. All the hard work and stick-to-it-ness is paying off. “Boonstock is becoming a destination

for people. People are coming, they don’t care about weather, they’re coming to the party. They’re coming with their bells on and they’re ready to rock and roll so the biggest challenge is making Boonstock as cool as possible, but obviously as safe as possible with our demographic.” Ticket sales are going great with many of the weekend packages already sold out. However, Colin was a little reluctant to say what the capacity of Boonstock is because, “nothing [against] the media, but you start releasing capacity numbers, people get out their calculators and start thinking we’ve become millionaires and that’s when security bills go up, police bills go up…” Do not worry, rock fans, he added, “we’ll accommodate everybody.” If 2011 Boonstock is as successful as 2010, then ‘everybody’ will mean in the neighborhood of about 30,000 people this year. According to the website, the Boonstock do’s and don’t’s are pretty much what you’d expect. The law is still the law, as well be aware there is to be no rowdy behaviour, keep the grounds and your campsite clean, no campfires, no glass, no pets, no fireworks, no weapons and no recording devices. The website also mentions there is among other things, ice, food and clothing for sale. Oh, and there’s music, too. While the lineup may not include the Rolling Stones yet, it is pretty impressive. Headlining the festival are A Perfect Circle, Sublime with Rome and Three Days Grace. For other tastes, the lineup also includes Seether, Canadian rock legends Trooper, American rock legends Creedence Clearwater Revisited, My Darkest Days and too many others to mention here. There is also the Rockstar Dance Tent with a massive lineup of DJ’s and bands, including the Italian electronica and dance music project, Bloody Beetroots, and Dutch trance music producer, Ferry Corsten, to name two. You can tell there will be variety at Boonstock as they are now mentioned all over Edmonton’s radio stations, not just the rock stations. Colin was very thankful to Edmonton’s The Bear as they have been with them from very early on and he said they understood Boonstock’s need for spreading the word on other radio formats when the time came. For all tastes, there will be plenty of bang for your musical buck. The 6th Annual Boonstock, in Gibbons, Alberta, runs from June 29 through July 2, giving you Sunday to recover at home. Tickets are on sale now, with lots of parking, camping and of course, loud music all weekend! Perhaps Boonstock’s patron saint said it best, “let’s make some fucking noise!” And they will. 

A T S S S E O N I C S

U B ’ N I

rews

eC Bruc

iCj

oronto-based rock band My Darkest Days have been aggressively touring across Canada and the United States since July 2010. On this coming Canada Day long weekend, they will bring their energetic performance to the main stage of the 6th annual Boonstock Festival in Gibbons, Alberta. Their debut hit single Porn Star Dancing has heavy airplay all across North America, gold status in both Canada and the US and over 3 million YouTube hits. Those who have seen the video know exactly why. With cameos aplenty (Zakk Wylde, Chad Kroeger, and Ludacris) and an abundance of scantily clad Las Vegas pin-up dolls, it definitely does the song title justice. On the phone from a Thai restaurant in Odessa, Texas, VEX got to chat with lead guitarist Sal Costa about the band’s rising success. Are you sick of having to play Porn Star Dancing every night? Are you kidding me? It’s gotten us into strip clubs for free for the past year! I’m definitely not sick of it. Is there a story behind the song? All the girls in the song are real girls that we know in many different ways … and it’s all true stuff. It’s just a collection of girls that we know that like to dance. Did you have any idea the song would take off like it did? To be honest, no. It was the last song written on the record and it was one of those things where we had already talked about what the first single would be before we had even written Porn Star. That’s how far into the record we were. Then we had this idea of putting the song out in a way that it could have the potential of hitting many different radio formats. We thought, let’s get some guest artists like a hip-hop artist, a metal guy, and a rocker, and from there it just turned into this monster of a song ... like holy crap! How did the band hook up with Chad Kroeger? Brad from Three Days Grace and our singer, Matt, are brothers. They were on tour with Nickelback and they passed on our demo. Chad just really dug it. He approached us and said he wanted to write some songs and it kind of just went from there. What was it like to work with him? He co-wrote a bunch of songs with us, co-produced the record, and we’re also on his label in Canada. It’s crazy; he’s just one of those guys that encompasses what the music industry is. There are guys who are really great at playing their instruments, guys that are great at writing songs, and guys who are great at working at record companies. The thing that’s crazy about Chad is that he’s absolutely amazing at all of those things. Being a young band and having him as someone to look up to is pretty amazing.

Was the making of the Porn Star Dancing music video as fun as it looks? Oh man! ... Pretty much, this is what happened: Ludacris comes in and he has this new cognac line called Conjure, so we start drinking that. Then Hard Rock, I guess as a token of their appreciation for us doing the video there, they bring us these boxes of tequila, so we start drinking that too. None of us really totally remember the music video until we watched it. I do remember there was this one part where they were filming just me, when we did our individual shots, and they said “ACTION” and I’m rocking out ... there’s a bunch of girls around and I’m just doing my thing ... and all of a sudden, the director is like “CUT! CUT!” and my tour manager walks over to me with my guitar and he’s like “Dude, you weren’t even wearing your guitar!” I was like “Oh God, am I that in the bag already?” It was fun though. They’re expecting 45-50,000 people to be in attendance for this year’s Boonstock Festival. What’s the biggest crowd you’ve ever played for? The most we’ve ever played in front of is probably about 15,000. To hear that many people ... that’s going to be pretty epic. We feel way more comfortable playing in front of more people versus less. Matt and I have been going around playing acoustically and there will be times where there’s just one or two people staring at us while we play. That’s the one thing that makes us jittery.

What’s your favourite thing about playing to audiences in Alberta? To be honest, it’s just really hot girls who like to dance. We like to bring girls from the audience up on stage when we play Porn Star. And whenever we play in Alberta, there’s always really good-looking girls ... usually with fake boobs ... which is also pretty nice. With bands like A Perfect Circle, Sublime with Rome, Seether, and Three Days Grace; what band will you be most likely to watch at Boonstock? A Perfect Circle is so bad ass! That’d be crazy to see them ... and also Sublime. I love bands like that. They’re legends. Is there any new material in the works? We’re constantly writing. Being on the road and meeting different people, going to different places, and experiencing things that we’ve never experienced before has inspired us to write. Any plans for a new record? I’m not too sure. We just released Porn Star to Europe and Australia, and it’s starting to do well there, so it looks like we’ll get to go over there and do the same thing we did here before we start getting onto a new record. But we have a little studio setup in our bus and we record ideas all the time. So I guess it’s just more tours. Tons and tons of tours. That’s why we put out records: so we can just play for people. That’s what we love to do.

“Whenever we play in Alberta, there’s always really good-looking girls ... usually with fake boobs.”

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STYLE

APPROPRIATE

BEHAVIOR

URBAN BEHAVIOR DELIVERS THE HIPPEST, HOTTEST LOOKS FOR SUMMER THAT ARE SO AFFORDABLE IT’S JUST PLAIN STUPID!

Photography by FERD ISAAC Creative Director: Iksan Elshat Makeup/Stylist: Nicole Ziegler Assistants: Michael Legge & Ian MacDonald Models:

Dakota J. Lightning Kevin Saccucci Kiomi Pkye

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Dakota: Grey Slim Jeans / $29.99 Bright Check Shirt / $29.99

Kevin: Hooded Sweater / $49.80 Grunge Blazer / $75.80 Slim Destroy Jeans / $29.99

Dakota: 他-sleeve Henley / $19.80 Plaid Vest / $24.99 Skinny Kane Jeans / $29.99

Dakota: Pattern Modern Shirt / $29.99 Knit Vest / $35.80 Slim Dark Jeans / $29.99 Kiomi: Animal-Print Romper / $29.80 Platforn Shoes / $49.80 Wood & Metal Bangle Set / $13.80 Bead Around Bangle Set / $3.80 Canvas Hobo Bag / $29.80 Kevin: Cufflink Shirt / $39.80 London Vest / $19.99 Peak Lapel Blazer / $59.99 Robot Straight Jeans / $59.80

Kevin: Melange V-neck T-shirt / $14.99 Contrast Cardigan / $29.99 Utility Shorts / $39.80

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Kevin: Slub V-neck T-shirt / $14.99 Grey Slim Jeans / $29.99 Wrinkled Shirt Jacket / $69.99

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Dakota: Jersey Trim Check Shirt / $17.80 Grunge Sweater / $49.80 Utility Shorts / $39.80

parting shot

Erika BIRTHDAY:

August 4, 1981 HOMETOWN:

Montreal, QC NOW LIVING IN:

Edmonton, AB NATIONALITY:

French

MAJOR TURN-ON:

The two deep vertical lines located by the hips on a man’s lower stomach. MAJOR TURN-OFF:

Guys who play video games.

“I like when guys give you flowers for no specific reason or bring back a little surprise they know you’ll like, just out of the blue. I find these little attentions to be the most meaningful.”

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