Mashie Stander

There is one type of person who never fails to tug at my heart strings: the overwhelmed mom. I see her everywhere, in the mall, at school and in church. She is often the woman who gave up on maintaining an adult hairstyle ages ago and doesn’t even try to conceal the shadows around her eyes anymore. If she was to make eye contact, you would probably see sleepdeprivation and a good dose of hopelessness there.

I know all this because it used to be me. I often avoided eye contact, mostly because I was juggling so many balls, but—on a bad day—for fear that one sympathetic word or gaze in my direction might cause that very fragile dam wall to burst. Yes, the whole mothering-thing came as quite a shock to me almost two decades ago. My whole life seemed out of control and I couldn’t even imagine the happy, young girl I used to be. I was simply trying to get through each day without losing all my marbles.

Today, seventeen years and three kids later, I’d love the chance to go back in time and have a heart to heart with my overwhelmed self. Life just wasn’t meant to be so tough…so lonely. I see the person I used to be in so many young mommies around me and think, Little Sister, you need help. That was the bottom line of my dilemma. My downfall as a young mom was not that I was incompetent, it was that I was attempting to be perfect. I pretended to be making it, and loving motherhood, because everyone else in my shoes

seemed to be. The worst was, I did it all flying solo, because I was so convinced I was the only one.

My life started changing when we became active in church life. We had been church-hopping for a while, and finally found a home and a family in Oakhill (then Durbanville Family Church) in 2003. I joined a women’s mentoring group—a big step seeing as though I am an introvert and not all that fond of girlie group-fests— and opened myself up to being mentored. Too purposefully walk a road with someone to grow and mature in my relationship with God. It was tough at first (mainly because pride and independence still counted as virtues in my book back then), but breakthroughs started coming when I took that first leap of faith and allowed myself to be vulnerable and real with my new friends. It wasn’t always easy being real or open about my carefully masked insecurities and hang-ups. I often feared that showing my weaknesses would leave me open to hurt and rejection in a time when I barely made it as it was.

Today, I am so glad I took a chance on God and His daughters. The friends I made soon became my sisters, and suddenly I wasn’t struggling on my own anymore. Whenever someone had a new baby, the others would provide meals for a time. A sick friend’s kids would be taken off her hands, so she could rest. It was an unspoken rule that if someone needed a break, or just to spend some time in the company of another adult before suicide hour struck, it was only a phone call away. And because of our one mutual goal—to grow in Jesus—I knew my kids would always have more than one home: physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

We learned from each other, challenged each other and prayed together. We got mad at each other and had to learn to confront, and work through, offence. We learned to forgive, to love and serve unconditionally. We covered each other’s sins in love. We weren’t just friends, we were a family of vastly different personalities doing life together.

I couldn’t have done it without my sisters back then, and I can’t do it without them now. Today, we’re all wading through the currents of raising teenagers together. Through mentoring—not only in organized groups, but as a life style—we get to speak into the lives of our younger sisters. Firstly, pointing them to our Father, and secondly encouraging them to work hard at building precious relationships within our family. And, yes, even as mature women in Christ we all still get that overwhelmed-mom look some days. It’s great to know that I have several sisters just a phone call or a text away. And because authenticity, unconditional love and Word-based truth are core values in our relationships, I never have to pretend to be someone else or conceal the struggles I face.

This precious treasure I have found in my beloved sisters: the freedom to be just who I am and the inspiration to become so much more. To God be the glory for every relationship He has gifted us with to grow in, and become more like Him. •

Mashie and her family is part of the leadership team at Oakhill Church in Durbanville, South Africa. She is also involved with Oakhill’s lively me2 Mentoring women’s ministry.