Ruth Michaelides

My name is Ruth and I am a daughter of God.

Reading that sentence a year ago, I would have cringed. There are many nouns I would have thought of using to describe myself. Plenty that were more adventurous, exciting and fun, but calling myself a daughter, knowing the weight it carries, is more powerful than all the words in the world. It’s amusing to see how the enemy attacks the very thing wherein we have the most power. My life is an example of this.

I was born in George, where I spent the first seven years of my life. When I was five, my parents got divorced. My older brother, Luke, and I stayed with my mom.

A few years later my parents got back together and we all moved to a game farm in Limpopo. It was every child’s dream – the typical Parent Trap situation. Luke and I were home-schooled and spent five years adventuring and missioning around the farm, taking in orphaned animals, swimming in dams and hiking over mountains. We moved towns and provinces every few years, which presented me with the undeniable truth that God was everywhere; His glory displayed in nature and through people along the way.

Yet, I pulled away from truly connecting with people. I told myself many reasons for why it wouldn’t be wise to build lasting relationships. As a young girl, all I wanted was for my dad to be present, truly present and engaged in my life. I believed that there was something wrong with me, and that I was hard to love. I struggled with someone I cared so much about being secretive and isolated. I began to believe that I had to

be the same. As much as I appeared to be a sociable person, I began to harden my heart. I was fearful of rejection and scared to talk about myself, always believing that no one would truly care about my opinion.

When I was twelve I decided to commit my life to God and made the decision to get baptised. A few months later I went to Israel with my aunt and had an immensely real encounter with God at a conference. I was shaken – just hearing how people would devote their lives to God, even die to honour His name, because they were assured that He loved them. I couldn’t comprehend that love, but I knew that it was something that I wanted and needed in my life.

With this newfound belief, and after having been home-schooled for five years, I started high school believing that everything was sunshine and rainbows. Reality hit me rather soon. I got hurt by the expectations I formed of people and was shocked to realise the people who hurt me the most were ‘Christians.’ I had this burning love for Jesus, but the moment I looked at others who claimed to have the same love, I just wanted to run away.

I was on an inconsistent mission to feel something; anything actually. I see-sawed between striving and rebellion. I longed to feel worthy and valued, but my secretive actions pulled me in the opposite direction.

I had no idea who I was. My older brother Luke naturally excelled at sports and academics, but I was never competitive. I made friends easily, but I had this giant void in my life. I enjoyed my own company and still feared rejection, so I tried to withhold myself from fully engaging. I got into a toxic relationship and when I attempted to speak to people about it, I experienced a lot of judgement. This really broke down my confidence.

I began to believe that God hated me. From that point, whatever irrational decision I made went along with the motto of “Well, I’m going to hell anyway.” I was a hypocrite. I said the right things when needed to, but used the trust I had gained to go on my own mission.

At this stage my relationship with God was basically non-existent. I longed to feel like someone was proud of me. Not the ‘me’ who I portrayed, but the true ‘me’. I longed to be a daughter. Deep down I knew that there was a love that sacrificed and supported, a love that was patient and kind, but I always pulled away too quickly to really experience it.

His ways are higher than my own. After realizing my life was a mess, I decided to attend Victory Gap Year. I arrived in Jeffrey’s Bay in January 2017. People were nice, and I couldn’t understand why. I was not used to people investing into my life without a hidden agenda.

The hardest part was learning how to accept love, from people, but mostly from God. I couldn’t grasp the concept that someone out there loved me, created me, and wanted nothing more than for me to spend time with Him. I started intentionally searching for answers and trying to understand and justify this love and this God.

I realized how closed I was, and how little I knew about God and His Word. I never actually realized how self-destructive it was not to talk about my fears and feelings. I slowly began to open my heart up.

It wasn’t easy. I spent every month wanting to leave, and then re-realising that this was where I needed to be. I realised that by thinking I could do everything alone, I had harboured a lot of pride. I still struggle with fully trusting in friendships, but I know this is something God is continually working on in me.

After staying for a 2nd Year in Jeffrey’s Bay I still don’t have all the answers, but I know that I am a daughter I feel safe calling the name of Jesus. I know He has granted me favour when I don’t deserve it. Most of all, I know I am loved; with real, sacrificial love.

No matter where I go, I know deep down that my heart will always belong to the one who created it.

This is enough for me. •

Ruth is in her 2nd year at Victory Gap Year. She is currently interning at Victory Church in the Media department, where she can be found sketching her way through the day. She is planning to study Fine Arts in Capetown in 2019.