The Forgotten Fathers

BY VICTORIA ROBINSON

In my first book, They Lied to Us, I compiled stories from women who’d chosen abortion and how this fateful decision forever altered their lives. The first chapter in the book is my own personal story of choosing abortion over three decades ago. My second book, They Lied to Us Too, will be the stories I’ve compiled from men who participated in an abortion. It releases in early 2022.

Let me take a moment to explain how and why I concluded that men are hurting from abortion too.

When They Lied to Us was going to print fifteen years ago, I felt obligated to call the father of my aborted child to let him know the book would soon be released. Although I gave no identifying indicators of who he was in my story, somehow, I felt a responsibility to tell him. So, I picked up the phone. We hadn’t spoken since we had broken up over ten years prior.

Nine out of ten times when an abortion occurs, couples don’t make it. Our relationship proved those facts when it ended not long after we chose to end our child’s life. Following an abortion decision, postabortive men and women report that their relationships began to deteriorate following their abortion decision. As abortion can be a very traumatic experience for the couple, staying together is a constant reminder of what they’ve done; hence, couples often decide to part ways. Many times, couples don’t realize the part their choice played in fracturing the relationship until years later.

The relationship between my boyfriend and me was never the same after our abortion. I never looked at him the same, and frankly, I don’t think he ever viewed me in the same way either. The abortion had changed us. Before our positive pregnancy test, we’d talked and planned how we would spend the rest of our lives together, but afterwards, our abortion became the elephant in the room we never discussed. However, it was always there sitting in the corner.

After going through abortion healing, I decided to write my first book. I felt like he should know about it, so I decided to call him. I wanted to assure him there were no identifying factors to expose him.

The decision to contact him was not an easy step, but it was something I knew was important. I also felt a sense from the Lord this was the right thing to do. Confident God was with me and would empower me to do it, I picked up the phone.

After the second ring, he answered. I was very nervous. I hadn’t heard his voice in so long. “Hey, it’s me.” There was a long pause. I knew he recognized my voice immediately.

He was trying to say something, but I couldn’t understand him through the sobs coming from him. Finally, when he was able to compose himself, he said, “I’ve been waiting for this call for over a decade to ask your forgiveness. I’m so sorry for what I made you do. I should have protected you and our baby, and I failed you both. It’s haunted me all these years, and I’ve been in therapy dealing with it for eight years now. Can you please forgive me?”

At that moment, I had two options. First, I could continue carrying the last bit of unforgiveness I had towards him, which would only hurt me.

Or, I could choose to do as Christ asks in Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (NIV) That Scripture alone should be a wake-up call, but those still too stubborn to forgive may want to read Matthew 6:15: “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (NIV)

Each day, I’m grateful for His grace and mercy because each day, I need it.

There comes a time in everyone’s life when we must face up and own our own decisions. Eventually we must decide to stop blaming others for the choices we’ve made.

In our phone conversation consisting of minutes, I forgave him. My life was forever changed. His was as well.

The multi-billion-dollar abortion industry uses specific strategies to manipulate men and women every single day in this country. And it’s been quite successful for decades.

A man holds both power and influence when his girlfriend or wife finds herself in a crisis pregnancy. One tactic used to encourage abortions is to diminish the appearance of the importance of the man’s role as the woman’s partner and the father of their unborn child.

For years, society has been telling men, “It’s not your body. Therefore, you have no rights in her decision.” Newsflash - here’s a scientific fact: it’s not her body either.

For decades men have heard, “You need to just support her, no matter what she does. Keep your mouth shut.”

As a result, men simply don’t know what to do, and they suffer both in the short term and the long term. Therefore, to heal this epidemic, we must begin changing the narrative.

I spoke recently at a men’s event with hundreds of men in attendance. I shared my own story and the story of “the phone call.”

Afterward, men stood in line for up to two hours to meet me. It wasn’t to tell me I was a great speaker. Instead, they wanted to confess their abortions. Through tears, these men were begging for help. They told me they’d never been able to commit to a woman, had issues bonding with their children, had substance or alcohol abuse problems, and had become quite promiscuous. These men were in pain. The majority used the word “haunted.”

God made women to be nurturers, to give life. But God made men to be the protectors of their women and children.

When a woman faces the reality of abortion and realizes she ended the life of her own child, it’s devastating.

Just the same, when a man faces the reality of the part he played in the abortion of his own child, he’s haunted.

After the phone call with my ex-boyfriend, I felt the Lord speak two things to me. First, He showed me that I still had unforgiveness in my heart towards this man. Secondly, He showed me clearly that men are hurting too and that I must never forget that. These children also had fathers, and their fathers have the same regret and remorse as the mothers.

Although the world tells men to sit down and shut up when the issue pertains to abortion, we must encourage men to stand up and protect their children. They must take their rightful place as fathers if we have any hope of seeing a nation turned from its wicked ways.

In our country today, we are witnessing a moral decline like never before in our history. I’m convinced this is partly due to the misguided role of the unborn child’s father and how society diminishes his role as a father. A man may apathetically turn away from the pregnancy, or feign apathy, to support his partner. Or he may fearfully offer to do the “right thing” by paying for the abortion, thus ending his own child’s life. And this adherence to the rules of society not only contributes to the death of the unborn child, but also causes untold pain and damage to the father’s life.

Men do matter. Their role in the family matters. Their position as a father is crucial to a healthy society.

In the research for my book, They Lied to Us Too, I heard from men from across the United States. They were relieved to share their stories with me. Some of these men had never shared their stories with anyone before and just “needed to tell someone.”

They were grateful I took the time to listen. So many men I’ve met at conferences, churches, or throughout my travels have expressed the same sentiment. Man after man all shared the same pain, yet they had never met one another. This is no coincidence.

There’s a shift happening, and it’s going to be swift. Men are starting to speak up and speak out. They are finding the courage to tell their stories because they want to make a difference and help keep someone else from making the same mistake.

It’s time for men to take their place on the issue of abortion. They need to be heard. They deserve to be heard.

I dedicate this article to the fathers of unborn children. Especially to those of you who live with the pain and regret of talking your partner into an abortion, paying for it, standing by and supporting her decision to have an abortion, or begging her not to do it. And...

• To the fathers who were never given a voice.

• To the fathers who were never given a choice.

• To the fathers who didn’t know.

• To the fathers who live with regret.

• To the fathers who live with the shame.

• To the fathers who’ve been silenced for far too long.

• To the fathers who couldn’t stop her.

• To the fathers who left. •To the fathers who ran from responsibility.

You deserve healing, hope, and redemption.

Aborted children had fathers. We must stop denying these children the dignity and the role their fathers played in their short-lived lives. And we must stop denying these men the right to be fathers.

I dedicate this piece to The Forgotten Fathers.

Victoria Robinson has been a pro-life leader for over two decades. She’s worked in pregnancy resource center ministry, travels around the country speaking at churches, fundraisers, and conferences worldwide.

She’s the Founder of ReAssemble, a non-profit ministry offering after-abortion recovery retreats.

You can visit her website at reassemblelife.com for more information. Victoria lives outside Nashville, TN.