Whiskey River Soap Catalog Spring 2022

SPRING 2022

77 NEW PRODUCTS?

that's crazy talk!*

Oh, hello.

Have we met? My friends call me Tim, but you can call me Mr. Manager. Charmed, I’m sure.

So, a little bit about me: after a number of record-breaking years in the tuna biz, I was ready to pounce on a new opportunity. And when the kind folks at Whiskey River Soap Co. dropped me a line, I just knew it would be a purr-fect fit. Do I love being manager?

I love string, I love alley rumbles, I love catnip, I love my job, I love laser pointers.

And I love these seventy-seven new products. I’ve had my paws all over them.

Cover model Aisling gets her big break in this issue, after years of working small gigs in local periodicals.

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*How dare you question my math skills?

There are really 77 new products.

I know how to use a calculator. Jeez.

Hi!

My name’s Tom, and I’m the real manager. Did you actually believe we had a cat in charge all this time?

(Wait, don’t answer that.)

I am totally psyched to be here, and I’m already working to refine our production operations so we can get more great stuff out to you, and do it faster. Let’s make 2022 an awesome year.

Aisling was thinking about her dinner in this pic.

Vintage film scans from Tom’s 1984 Ohio to Florida bicycle trek. Anyone else picking up Ted Lasso vibes?

COLLECTIONS CONCRETE CANDLES

stickers

AIR FRESHENERS

MAGIC HALF-PINTS

Pages 6-8

Pages 44-46

Pages 11-15

Pages 24-25

P C OM PA

IVE R

SO

WH I

WR SC

Y

A

N

SK E Y R

CAUTION: KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN AND PETS. HANG FREELY TO AVOID STAINING OF ANY SURROUNDIN G SURFACES. DO NOT HANG AS TO OBSTRUCT DRIVER’S VIEW. MADE IN CHINA © 2021 WHISKEY RIVER SOAP COMPANY

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WT2-F

C ROW D E D E L E VATO RS • MIDDLE S C H O O L • BA RGA I N SUS HI

also perfect for

just that… you kinda reek. But freshener you don’t worry, I can wear as a got this air necklace. Problem solved!

I really do. It’s

I FUCKING

LOVE YO U

Pomegranate Champagne

WTF CANDLE

AIR FRES HEN

Whiske y River Soap Compa ny

ER

ANTI-CURSING Candles

puzzles

vintage paint can Candles

Pages 9-10

Pages 30-32

Pages 33-35

MATCHbooks

personal space rulers

Pages 49-50

Pages 56-59

how to order

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Contact your local sales rep, or if you don’t know

68 W. Main St.

TEL: (740) 973-9817

who the heck that is, contact us and we’ll help

Newark, OH 43055

sales@whiskeyriversoap.com

you get connected.

Open 9 AM - 5 PM, M-F

www.whiskeyriversoap.com

matchboxes

liquid soap

soap

astrology

Pages 47-48

Pages 51-55

Pages 80-110

Pages 65-79 S O A P

F O

R

SAGITTARIUS A

N OV E M B E R 21 - D E C E M B E R 21

Smells like a disappearing act WANDERING WHITE TEA N E T W T. 6 O Z / 17 0 G

FMK CANDLES

DUO candles

Pages 22-23

Pages 80-110

EMERGENCY AMBIANCE

ASTROLOGY CARDS

phobia candles

Pages 26-29

Pages 18-21

Pages 62-63

pencils Pages 36-43

WTF? candles

sUBTEXT CARDS

CANDLE BOOK

DISPLAYS & info

Pages 60-61

Pages 16-17

Page 64

Page 111

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New!

Concrete Candles If you know anything about us, you know we keep it real. None of that fancy-schmancy stuff here, folks. That’s why we made sure to spice up these beautiful handmade concrete vessels with a heavy helping of our trademark snarky sense of humor. Just what they needed.

Concrete Candles: Hand-poured candles in a handmade concrete vessel, made with 100% soy wax and custom fragrance blends. Soft-touch label with metallic ink.

14 styles, sold in 3-packs.

Dimensions: 3 ¼" D × 3 ½" H. Burn time: 40 hours.

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bALANCE

bEST FRIENDS

CALM

DIRTY MARGARITA CC- B A L

SMOKED ROSEMARY BOURBON SOUR CC- B E S

FRENCH RIVIERA COCKTAIL CC- C A L

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COURAGE

FAMILY

FOREVER

WEED-INFUSED IPA CC- CO U

BLUEBERRY WISTERIA WHISKEY SOUR CC- FA M

CINNABOMB COCKTAIL CC- FO R

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HOPE

MINDFULNESS

MODERATION

LAVENDER MARTINI CC- H O P

APPLE BRANDY HOT TODDY CC- M I N

FRENCH MARTINI CC- M O D

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New!

(It’s actually Elaine from the copy-writing dept.)

Never FoRGET

Positivity

FRENCH CONNECTION COCKTAIL CC- N E V

EARL GREY TEA COCKTAIL CC- P OS

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2

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STILLNESS

TRUST

TRUTH

DEATH IN THE AFTERNOON COCKTAIL CC-STI

BLACK ROSE COCKTAIL CC-TR S

CAFÉ AU LAIT CC-TR T

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New!

Anti-Cursing Candles

If there’s one thing we love here at Whiskey River Soap, it’s dropping F-bombs like they’re going out of style. (Which they aren’t, by the way.)

But we recognize that some folks out there like to keep it a little more, shall we say, PG-13. These candles are for them. And for everyone, dang it!

Anti-Cursing Paint Can Candles: 12-ounce hand-poured soy wax candles in paint cans designed with mid-century style labels. Candle can size: 3 ¼″ D × 3 ⅞″ H. Burn time: 40 hours.

4 different paint can candle styles sold in 3-packs.

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DANG!

GEE WHIZ

COUNTRY FRESH SCENT (BUTTER AND MARGARINE)

OFF-BRAND BOXED WINE (WHITE PEACH, ORANGE ZEST, & APPLE)

ACC-DANG

ACC-WHIZ

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NEW!

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GOSH DARNIT

WHAT THE HECK

SILENT SPRING (FRESHLY CUT GRASS)

MYSTERY FLAVOR (TROPICAL)

ACC-GOSH

ACC-HECK

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“Black Knuckles” Wilson fills-in last minute for a car windshield.

New!

Air Fresheners Know what stinks? Not you! Now that you have your very own candle air freshener to haul around with you, people will quit pinching their noses and running for the hills. Hopefully. You still have to occasionally bathe, you know.

Air Fresheners: 20 different candle air fresheners with unique scents. Air freshener size: 3 1/2″ W × 3″ H; package size: 5 1/2″ W × 6 1/2″ H. Double-sided, full-color. Sold in packs of 4.

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New! air fresheners

CAFFEINE ADDICTS COFFEE SHOP SCENT

THE COOL AUNT JUICY GOSSIP SCENT

DAD JOKES BANANA SCENT

ADD-F

AUN-F

DAJ-F

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It’S ONLY FRICKIN’ TUESDAY MINT SCENT

MILITARY WIVEs CHAOTIC KUMQUAT SCENT

OUTDOOR PEOPLE SUMMER CAMP SCENT

ITF-F

WIV-F

OUT-F

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✓ Dog people suck ✓ Lint rollers in the car an air freshener for cat people

✓ My cat has an Instagram

warm milk scent

cat people ca n dl e

air

freshener

calm the f down RAIN STICK SCENT

cat people WARM MILK SCENT

CAL-F

CAT-F

teachers POISONED APPLE SCENT

trophy husband TRICKED-OUT PORSCHE SCENT

zero fucks CREAMSICLE SCENT

TEA-F

TRO-F

ZER-F

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classy af DRY SHAMPOO SCENT

dog people GRASSY DOG PARK SCENT

it's fine PLAIN TAP WATER SCENT

CLA-F

DOG-F

ITS-F

middle child CRAZY GRAPE SCENT

namaste CALMING LAVENDER SCENT

okay moms SIPPY CUP WINE SCENT

MID-F

NAM-F

OKA-F

redheads SPICY CIDER SCENT

shit shows FIREBALL SHOTS SCENT

social anxiety VODKA VITAMIN WATER SCENT

RED-F

SHI-F

SOC-F

WTF Air Fresheners SO

MADE IN CHINA © 2021 WHISKEY RIVER SOAP COMPANY

P COM PA

WR SC

SK

SURFACES. DO NOT HANG AS TO OBSTRUCT DRIVER’S VIEW. HANG FREELY TO AVOID STAINING OF ANY SURROUNDING

ER IV

A

WH I

Y

N

EY R

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WT2-F

CAUTION: KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN AND PETS.

C ROW D E D E L E VATO RS • M I D D L E S C H O O L • BA RGA I N SUS H I

also perfect for

I really do. It’s just that… you kinda reek. But don’t worry, I got this air freshener you can wear as a necklace. Problem solved!

I FU C K I N G LOVE YO U Pomegranate Champagne

WTF CANDLE AIR FRESHENER Whiskey River Soap Company

What the actual fuck is that smell? Who gives a shit.

Just cover it up with one of our new air fresheners, complete with your favorite four-letter word.

(Except for the one that isn’t.)

WTF Air Fresheners: 5 different curse word candle air fresheners with unique scents.

Air freshener size: 2 ¾″ W × 4″ H; package size: 4″ W × 6″ H. Double-sided, full-color.

Sold in packs of 4.

FUCK THIS AMARETTO SOUR SCENT WT1-F 7

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I FUCKING LOVE YOU POMEGRANTE CHAMPAGNE SCENT WT2-F 7

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FUCK YEAH BLUEBERRY BOURBON FIZZ SCENT WT5-F 7

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SALTY BITCHES SALTY DOG COCKTAIL SCENT WT6-F 7

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WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? CUCUMBER-ALOE DAIQUIRI SCENT WT4-F 7

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New!

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Subtext New! Greeting Cards We all love greeting cards right?

And eating straight out of the trash can, George Costanza-style? No, just me? Alright, whatever. Loser. At least I don’t meet guys in the woods behind the old folk’s home. Yet. Thinking of you!

Subtext Greeting Cards: 12 different greeting cards with pretty pictures and unexpected subtextual comments.

Card size (folded): 4 ¼″ W × 5 ½″ H. Blank inside. Includes envelope and poly bag sleeve. Sold in packs of 6.

NEVER HAD ANY DREAMS

LESS EMPTY

ST-DREAMS

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SILENCED ENEMIES

ST-EMPTY

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ST-ENEMIES

1

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AMPUTATED FOOT ST-FOOT

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DASH OF ROUNDUP ST-ROUNDUP

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TOOTHBRUSH SURPRISE ST-TOOTHBRUSH

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IMAGINARY FRIEND ST-FRIEND

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CARDS ARE A SCAM ST-SCAM

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TRASH CAN FOOD ST-TRASH

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FEDERAL PRISON ST-PRISON

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SHIT-FACED EVERY DAY ST-SHITFACED

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GUYS IN THE WOODS ST-WOODS

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Astrology Birthday Cards We consider ourselves the world’s foremost authority on all things astrology. Seriously, we do. And we’d like to hear anyone make a case that these tear ’n’ share birthday cards don’t describe each sign to a T. You just consider yourself lucky we decided to make these suckers.

You’re welcome.

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New! Astrology Birthday Week Cards: 12 different astrology sign themed birthday cards with tear-off affirmations.

Card size (folded): 5″ W × 7″ H. Blank inside.

Includes envelope and poly bag sleeve.

Sold in packs of 6.

“I am not perfect... and that’s your problem.” - Aries

CAPRICORN

AQUARIUS

BW-CAP

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BW-AQU

3

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PISCES

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ARIES

BW-PIS

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BW-ARI

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“Each day is a new opportunity to create the perfect selfie.” - Leo

TAURUS

GEMINI

BW-TAU

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BW-GEM

0

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CANCER

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LEO

BW-CAR

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BW-LEO

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“Others admire me. That’s all.” - Scorpio

VIRGO

LIBRA

BW-VIR

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BW-LIB

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SCORPIO

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SAGITTARIUS

BW-SCO

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BW-SAG

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New! who would you rather?

In case you’ve been living under a rock your whole life: Fuck, Marry, Kill is a game in which you’re presented with the names of three people, either celebrities or personal acquaintances, and then forced to decide which one of the three you would have sex with, which you would marry, and which one you would kill. This game has been characterized as “tasteless” and “juvenile,” so of course it was high time for us to put our own spin on it. Mark each candle with your choice, or write in a name if you must, but please—don’t pick John Mayer for all three!

Fragrance notes of sandalwood, opium, and amber

Fragrance notes of resin, orange blossom, and rose

(Instructions repeated on box) Fuck, Marry, Kill Candles: Hand-poured soy wax candles.

Burn time: 40 hours.

Jar size: 2 ¾″ D × 3 ½″ H. Box size: 11″ L × 4″ W × 1 ¼″ H. Set of 3 candles with box sold in 4-packs.

fuck, MARRY, KILL FMK-SET

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Fragrance notes of grapefruit, kumquat, and tropical flowers

Rules say you have to choose.

FMK Candles

Hey look, a box!

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half-pints of

Magic

Ever wish you could simply light a magic candle and make all your dreams come true? Well, you still can’t. Sorry, kid. (Bet you still believe in the Tooth Fairy, too.) But hey, it never hurts to try, does it? Trust me, I’ve been burning the Success candle for a week now. Idk, I’m feeling kinda lucky!

happiness CAUTIOUSLY CONTENT MC-HAP

sex appeal SUDDENLY SEXY MC-SEX

karma NEARLY NIRVANIC MC-KAR

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Notes of basil, lime, and grapefruit

Notes of oak, rose, and leather

Notes of jasmine, cinnamon, and pink peppercorn

Magic Half-Pints: Soy wax candle.

Burn time: 40 hours. Half-pint can size: 2 ¾″ D × 3″ H. Net weight: 8 ounces. Sold in 4-packs.

success TOTALLY THRIVING MC-SUC

stardom FINALLY FAMOUS MC-STA

zen SERIOUSLY SERENE MC-ZEN

Notes of lime, sage, and peppermint

Notes of lavender, ocean breeze, and vanilla

Notes of patchouli, warm wood, and orange

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Emergency

Ambiance Hey, know what this situation is severely lacking? That’s right. AMBIANCE. And boy have we got the perfect travel candle tins to give any emergency a little more aura!

Emergency Ambiance Travel Tins: 100% soy wax scented with fragrance oils.

Burn time: 4 one-hour emergency burns. Comes with “Emergency Ambiance” pack of matches under lid. Stainless steel tin size: 3 ⅛″ D × 1 ⅛″ H. 20 different 3-ounce candle styles sold in 4-packs.

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Handy Travel Tins!

forgot to pay the electric

FUCK work

out of vodka

FOR-T

FUC-T

OUT-T

rude people

shit's fucked

sunday scaries

RUD-T

SHI-T

SUN-T

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bring your own ambiance.

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bad vibes

BECAUSE CHILDREN

EDIBLES KICKED IN

BAD-T

BEC-T

EDI-T

EVIL PRESENCE DETECTED

FUCK ALL Y'ALL

FUCK THIS MEETING

EVI-T

YAL-T

MEE-T

I MISS MY DOG

MERCURY IN RETROGRADE

NOT ENOUGH CATS

DOG-T

MER-T

CAT-T

OTHER PEOPLE

PARTY FOR ONE

PLEASE STOP TALKING

OTH-T

PAR-T

PLE-T

SOMEONE COUGHED

THIS PLAYLIST SUCKS

COU-T

PLA-T

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vintage postcard

Puzzles

Wanna get your puzzle on? We’ve been hooked on these timewasters for months now. And when winter hits? You can burn them for warmth.

Puzzles: 1,000+ piece puzzles bagged and packed in sturdy, colorful boxes. Box size: 8″ × 10″. Puzzle size: 19 ½″ × 26 ⅞″.

6 different puzzle styles sold in 2-packs.

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no fucks falls

shit show valley

NOF-Z

SHI-Z

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BAD DECISION BLUFFS BAD-Z

FOMO MOUNTAIN FOM-Z

HOT MESS DESERT HOT-Z

THE ISLE OF SELF PITY SEL-Z

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Vintage-Style Notes of blackberry, amber, and sweet tobacco flying fuck MIDNIGHT MAYDAY PAI-5

paint can candles Introducing the candles you didn’t know you needed... until right this second!

Our new soy candles in vibrant vintage-style cans are tinted to look like you’ve just opened a fresh can of paint.

Paint Can Candles: 12-ounce soy wax candles hand-poured into paint cans designed with vintage-style labels. Candle can size: 3 ¼″ D × 3 ⅞″ H. Burn time: 40 hours.

9 different paint can candle styles sold in 3-packs.

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let that shit go SWEET RELEASE PAI-6

unfuck yourself MORNING DO-OVER PAI-7

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Notes of cucumber, mint, and vanilla

Notes of coffee and sweet pastries

whoop ass SUCKER PUNCH PAI-8

f bombs BOMB POP PAI-9

Notes of lemon and coconut

Notes of cherry and lime

AW HELL NO

GOOD SHIT

FIG, LEATHER, & TOBACCO FRAGRANCE

TRUFFLE BUTTER FRAGRANCE

PAI-2

PAI-3

FUCK IT

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

BERGAMOT, TOBACCO, & YUZU FRAGRANCE

SMOKED VANILLA & TEAKWOOD FRAGRANCE

PAI-1

PAI-4

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Colored Pencils

Who doesn’t love colored pencils?

Turn that gray world Technicolor with our new Shit Show Colored Pencil Set. Colored Pencils: 8 brightly colored pre-sharpened pencils packed into a sturdy slide-out box.

Box size: 7 ⅝″ H × 2 ⅝″ W × 1″ L. Sold in 4-packs.

SHIT SHOW PENCILS SHI-P

Pencils

Some say that the pencil was inspired by the humble writing twigs used in ancient Mesopotamia, while some insist the first pencils originated high in the mountains of Tibet; others still postulate that the pencil always existed, it simply needed to be discovered. Here at Whiskey River Soap, we don’t really concern ourselves with all that history mumbo-jumbo, we’re too busy thinking up comedic quips for our made in USA pencil sets.

Pencil Sets: 8-pack of standard No. 2 pencils made in the USA. Box size: 7 ½″ H × 2 ½″ W × ⅜″ L. Sold in 4-packs.

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Pencils for cool dads

Pencils for the days of the week

Pencils for happy hour

Pencils for lefties

SO FUNNY, I FORGOT TO LAUGH Where in the heck are you and the other dads getting these so-called “jokes” from anyway, Corny Dads Quarterly? I mean, come on now… Does every conversation need a fart reference? Are you all a hive mind? I’m kidding, Dad. I totally respect the dad comedy. You’ve always said that money doesn’t grow on trees, but maybe dad jokes do!

WOW, WHAT A CONCEPT. No longer do you have an excuse not to use a fresh pencil each and every day!

Plus, we’ve even included (at no extra cost) a handy Blursday pencil for those days when you can’t be bothered to figure out what day it actually is. And honestly, if you’re buying these pencils, that’s probably gonna be pretty often.

POUR ME ANOTHER, PLEASE. Ahhh, it’s finally that magical time of the day again: when you can put all your office woes aside and c rack open a cold one. Or twelve. Here’s to another chance to find the answers to life’s questions at the bottom of a bottle. So what if it’s only 10 AM, who says happy hour has to start at five, anyway? Just don’t tell Brent from HR, okay?

YOU’RE WEIRD...

No, but seriously. Can you just suck it up and start using your right hand like everyone else in the developed world?

You’re making us look bad with all your creativity and success. It’s like you’re part of a secret club we can never join. And frankly, the rest of us have the right to feel left out.

See what I did there? That’s the best thing a right-hander can come up with. We need you weirdos.

DAD-P

DAY-P

HAP-P

LEF-P

Pencils with low self-esteem

Pencils for a midlife crisis

Pencils for GRAMMAR POLICE

Pencils for first world problems

CHEER UP, SILLY PENCIL! Life’s not so bad. There are still plenty of us out there who like you: elementary school kids, golfers, artists, and uhhh… did I say schoolchildren already? But hey, things could be worse. I mean, who wants to be a crayon, right? So hold your head high, humble pencil.

You’ll always have a place in our hearts and at our desks… at least until we toss you out.

WHO SAYS EXISTENTIAL DREAD CAN’T BE FUN? Congratulations, you’ve made it to middle age! All those years of being “financially responsible” means you can finally buy a motorcycle and the bitchin’ leather jacket to match. Or maybe a year-long silent meditation retreat is more your speed. Either way, you’ve earned it, after all. At least that’s what you’re going to tell yourself on the way to surf camp.

YOUR ANNOYING. Ahahaha. It’s so easy to get under your skin. Just wanted to shoot a quick message to let you know how impressed we all are that you finally figured out the difference between your and you’re.

Welcome to the grammar club, smarty pants. But as a club member, you now have to quit whining about other people’s grammatical errors. Trust me on this point, you’re still making some.

AWWWWW...

I hear you’re having a bad day.

First of all, your wifi sucks, so Shameless is totally lagging.

Plus, it’s 95 outside but you’re shivering under a blanket because the AC is SO freezing, and now your gluten-free muffin was the BEST glutenfree muffin you’ve ever had until you realized they gave you the one with almonds.

And we both know you said NO NUTS.

LOW-P

MIC-P

GRA-P

FIR-P

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Pencils for the passive aggressive I’M FINE. I mean, if you want, I can write an essay detailing the extent to which I’m fine. I’ll even laminate the cover if you need me to do that, too. I don’t mind at all. If that’s what you need to prove that I’m fine, I’ll do it. Heck, I might even make it a book, find a publisher and go on Ellen to promote the release, proving how fine I am.

I mean if that’s what you need.

I’ll do it.

PAS-P

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Pencils for teachers

Pencils for the middle child

Pencils for truth

IT’S A SNOW DAY SOMEWHERE....

But not for you! You have another full day of dealing with other people’s children AND their classroom shenanigans.

And it’s not that you don’t love teaching. It’s more that nobody truly appreciates all the garbage you go through just to do your job. Isn’t it time people started thanking YOU for YOUR service?

WHO ARE YOU AGAIN? The only thing worse than being unnoticed is being unnoticed when your hair i s neon purple and you dress like you’re from the Matrix.

Um, hello? Being the first child ain’t all that. The only people who think so are: #1. My older sibling and #2. My dumb parents. All I haven’t even gotten to the part about the (cry)baby of the family. Oy.

I’M A FAKE VEGAN. Hey, wouldn’t it be nice if people just told the truth every once in a while? I mean, nobody wants to hear that Susan thinks your baby is weird looking, but does she have to go on and on about how ADORABLE he is, only to snicker with the entire Human Resources department behind your back? Susan, Susan, Susan. Just wait til you have a baby.

TEA-P

MID-P

TRU-P

Pencils for the office

Pencils for writer's block

Pencils for zero fucks

Pencils for introverts

OH COOL. It’s Monday again. Feels like I just clocked out. Know what I love about Mondays?

Nothing. In fifteen minutes, I’ll be sleeping with my eyes open for an hour-long meeting about employee morale followed by a “surprise” birthday cake and card everyone half-heartedly signs while doing a slow eye-roll.

Which is the same eye-roll I’ll be making when I read it, ’cuz it’s my birthday and even that won’t fix a Monday.

TIRED OF FEELING LIKE A BONE-DRY HACK? So the wordsmith’s well has run dry? Try this pack of Writer’s Block pencils. If these pencils don’t help you churn out regurgitated ideas and probably a vampire, I’ll eat my hat. It’s a fedora, by the way.

Cool vampires wear fedoras now. Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it. Or in your book. Either way, you’re gonna need these pencils ASAP. Even crap won’t write itself.

NO FUCKS. We hear you. You’re so over it you can’t even. This newlyconcocted bad attitude is just what the doctor ordered! Plus, none of us really liked it when you were just a simple, caring, average Joe. So kudos to you! Even though you couldn’t give a F. We know. Fresh out.

PEOPLE SUCK. That’s why you prefer to stay inside with your stuffed animal collection. But sometimes it’s a little hard to admit that in public. So we’ve carefully crafted a few extremely plausible excuses to get you out of all those pesky social obligations. Like happy hour.

Your niece’s school play.

Office parties. Your wedding.

OFF-P

WRI-P

ZER-P

INT-P

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Pencils for procrastinators TWO WEEKS. Go ahead, ask me anything.

Invariably, the answer will be “two weeks.” Wondering when I’ll get my grades up? Two weeks.

Get my grades up and start working out? Two weeks. Get my grades up, start working out, call my dad, visit my Nana in Florida, get married, buy a house, file for divorce, start my own business and run for office? Two weeks, pal. Two. Weeks.

PRO-P

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Pencils for Boomers vs.

Millennials PASS THE POPCORN. With the two largest generations in history at each other’s virtual throats on social media, this is the most epic battle since white or wheat. Who’s more entitled?

Who’s more maligned? And does it even matter? HEY. Of course it does. Ask any one of them. But really. Pass the popcorn. This is some serious entertainment.

BOO-P

Pencils for Nurses

Pencils for okay moms

MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER? You must be completely delusional if you think I’m a waiter, pal. In fact, I could argue that your very existence is at the mercy of my skilled, capable hands right now. So too bad if you don’t like the green Jello. Shut your trap and maybe I’ll come back to check on you. Key word: maybe.

CONGRATULATIONS. You’re the world’s okayest mom! Please don’t take offense! Face it, perfect moms are the absolute worst, what with their spotless car seats, healthy and organic snacks packed neatly in recyclable containers, and quick-draw first aid kits. Okay moms are where it’s at. Okay moms are where you want to live: sippy cup wine, the five-second rule, and naps that overlap into second naps.

NUR-P

OKA-P

Pencils for Cat People

Pencils for Dog People

HERE, KITTY KITTY...

I have a surprise for youuuu…

Darn it, where are you?

Remember that time you told me you wished you could be a little policeman? I’m sure you said that. And I’ve got JUST the costume for that! Come on, kitty, kitty. My Instagram followers are waiting.

IT WAS THE DOG, I SWEAR! Look, I don’t know if you know this about my dog, but he’s verrry gassy. So if you get a whiff of anything remotely off, it was the dog, ok? He’s also responsible for the missing cheesecake in the fridge. I don’t know how he does it!

The scoundrel.

CAT-P

DOG-P

Pencils for gravestone ideas I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK. Absolute genius last words to carve onto your gravestone.

Why bother with father, mother, son, daughter? Beloved pet, bah! Boooring. Really, the only proper way to go out is to get the very last word. That, or leave them wondering for all eternity. Who dis?

GRV-P

Pencils for little white lies OMG, CROSSFIT? YES. I looooove working out. If I could, I would do it 24/7.

It’s just that I have all these obligations and such since I took that sabbatical from work. Oh, yeah, technically they called it “fired” but I was going to take a creative break anyway. And I LOVE my free time! I mean, I don’t really have any, of course, and that’s why I’m not hitting the gym at the moment....

LIT-P

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More stick it!

New!

Stickers

We love stickers. Stickers make us happy.

They’ll make you happy too, if you let ’em.

Stick It! Prank Sticker Pack Set B: Two 30-sticker sheets with header card.

Size: 5″ × 9 ½″.

Full-color. Sold in 8-packs.

PS-B 7

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36684 18224

3

Less stick it!

New! (BUT STILL NEW)

Stickers

PS-A

Hey, check it out! This new iPhone contains “real raisins”! Yeah, we know these stickers are silly. But so are we! And so are the crazy marketing claims that scream at us from every direction, every single day of our lives. Believe me, your Great Aunt Phyllis is going to love finding out that her pudding cups were manufactured by leprechauns.

Stick It! Prank Sticker Pack Set A: Two 30-sticker sheets with header card, size: 5″ × 9 ½″.

Full-color. Sold in 8-packs.

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Most New! (AND JUST IN TIME, TOO )

FUCK it!

Stickers

Ever feel like that new candle you bought’s missing something? Or maybe your wedding invitations are lacking a little flavor? Upgrade that shit with our new Fuck It! sticker pack. Available wherever zero fucks are given.

Fuck It! Sticker Pack Two sticker sheets with header card.

Size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs.

FS-A 7

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36684 18240

3

EVERYONE’S FAVORITE!

Matchboxes

Yeah, matches are USEFUL. And we know everyone likes lighting shit on fire occasionally… no? Just me and my student loan paperwork? Oh, ok. Anyway, throw some silly matches in with that candle you’re gifting! Leave it as the tip for your server! We know they will be just as surprised as you once they read what businesses are selling nowadays. Yikes!

NEW Matchboxes in Counter-top Display: Set C: 48-pack of matchboxes Set F1: 36-pack of matchboxes with swear words Matchbooks in Counter-top Display: Set A: 64-pack of 20-strike matchbooks Set B: 64-pack of 20-strike matchbooks Display box size: 6 ½″ L × 6 ½″ W × 2 ½″ H.

36 MATCHBOxes SET f1 MAT-F1

Set F1 6 colorful matchboxes with colorful language. Set comes with 6 of each style.

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Set c Sixteen ridiculously funny matchboxes. Set comes with 3 of each style.

48 MATCHBOxes SET c MAT-C

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Set B Sixteen old school matchbooks. Set comes with 4 of each style.

16 VINTAGE-style matchbooks!

64 MATCHBOOKs SET B MAT-B

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Set a Sixteen old school matchbooks. Set comes with 4 of each style.

the original matchbooks!

64 MATCHBOOKs SET a MAT-A

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Liquid Hand Soap Each 8-ounce amber glass bottle is filled with all natural and organic liquid castile soap and scented with essential oils that we hope will encourage better hygiene in bathrooms everywhere.

Well, one can dream.

Variety Liquid Soap: Bottle size: 2 ¼″ D × 6 ¼″ H. 17 different 8-ounce styles sold in 4-packs.

Filled with organic, all-natural castile soap. Scented with essential oils.

LEMON & FENNEL

WASH YOUR hands WAS-L

citrus cedarwood

friends FRI-L

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lime & peppermint orange & patchouli dad DAD-L

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mom MOM-L

tangerine lime

rosemary & mint

BETTER PERSONALITY

DIRTY FINGERS

BET-L

DIR-L

lemon basil

pine & lime

peppermint & cedarwood

PRETEND TO BE HAPPY

SNAKE OIL

VIRUS WHO?

HAP-L

SNA-L

WHO-L

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spearmint

peppermint

tea tree

DOG SALIVA

WHATEVER

PRETENTIOUS

DOG-L

WHA-L

PRE-L

lime

peppermint

grapefruit

USELESS MEETINGS

HAIRBALL

DRAMATIC

USE-L

HAI-L

DRA-L

orange FAKE NEWS FAK-L

lemon SILENTLY JUDGING SIL-L

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personal space

Rulers

NURSE RULER NUR-R

OFFICE RULER OFF-R

MANNERS RULER MAN-R

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You can hold it right there, pal. I don’t need to smell you to hear what you’re saying. Introducing handy fold-out personal space rulers to help others keep a healthy distance. Respect the personal space!

TEACHER RULER TEA-R

Personal Space Rulers: Box size: 25″ L × 1 ½″ W × 1″ H. Ruler size (folded): 12″ L × 1 ½″ W. Twelve different fold-out ruler styles. Printed on wood with gold metal rivet. Sold in 2-packs.

SOCIAL RULER SOC-R

STONER RULER STO-R

INTROVERT RULER INT-R

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step away, space invaders.

ROOMMATE RULER ROO-R

SCHOOL RULER SCH-R

FAMILY RULER FAM-R

DAD RULER DAD-R

MOM RULER MOM-R

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wtf

Candles

Our 100% soy wax candles aren’t the most polite on the shelf, but as you know, they won’t stay on the shelf for long! Like it or leave it, profanity is frickin’ hot. So we’re introducing these precious and delicious-smelling pastel candles featuring your grandma’s favorite F word!

What the F? Candles : Soy wax candle. Burn time: 40 hours.

Jar size: 2 ¾″ D × 3 ½″ H. Sold in 4-packs.

salty bitches SALTY DOG COCKTAIL (GRAPEFRUIT) FRAGRANCE WT6-C

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fuck this.

fuck that.

AMARETTO SOUR FRAGRANCE

SLOE GIN FIZZ FRAGRANCE

WT1-C

WT7-C

i fucking love you

what the actual fuck?

POMEGRANATE CHAMPAGNE FRAGRANCE

CUCUMBER ALOE DAIQUIRI FRAGRANCE

WT2-C

WT4-C

fuck yeah

oh my fuck

BLUEBERRY BOURBON FIZZ FRAGRANCE

VIRGIN BLUE RASPBERRY JELLO SHOT FRAGRANCE

WT5-C

WT3-C

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Phobia Candles

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chadophobia

duckophobia

fakeophobia

SMIRNOFF ICE FRAGRANCE

RUBBER DUCKY BUBBLE BATH FRAGRANCE

VODKA DIET SODA FRAGRANCE

CHA-V

DUC-V

FAK-V

friendophobia

recapophobia

shopophobia

NEGLECTED CACTUS FRAGRANCE

WATERMELON SHOTS FRAGRANCE

MARASCHINO CHERRIES & Q-TIPS FRAGRANCE

FRI-V

REC-V

SHO-V

Ugh, life is like, SO hard. Luckily for you, we’ve created this new set of soy votives to burn away all those pesky first world phobias!

First World Phobia Candles: Hand-poured soy votives.

Burn time: 20 hours. Box size: 3″ L × 3″ W × 2 ⅞″ H. Sold in 4-packs.

moistophobia MOIST MANGOES FRAGRANCE MOI-V

adultophobia

buzzophobia

guacophobia

APPLE JACKS FRAGRANCE

PEACH MARGARITA FRAGRANCE

FRESH GUACAMOLE FRAGRANCE

ADU-V

BUZ-V

GUA-V

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Mini book of

Candles

A hilarious retrospective of some of our favorite candles over the years.

A totable paperback perfect to take anywhere to entertain friends and foes alike. A great coffee table or bathroom read, if you're into that kind of thing.

Candle Lit. Volume One: 68 unique candles and descriptions; 5 ¾″ × 5 3/4″; velvet softcover, full-color pages. Sold in packs of 3.

candle lit. vol. 1 CB-1

$12.95 ISBN 978-0-578-92024-5

51295>

9 780578 920245

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ASTROLOGY AST Candles: Our 100% soy wax candles.

Each lid has a brightlycolored sticker that matches our AST Journals, Soaps, Matchsticks, and Pencil Sets.

Burn time: 40 hours. Jar size: 2 ¾″ D × 3 ½″ H. Sold in 4-packs.

AST Liquid Soap: All-natural and organic castile liquid hand soap scented with organic essential oils.

Bottle size: 2 ¼″ D × 6 ¼″ H. 12 different 8-ounce styles sold in 4-packs.

AST Journals: Each spiral-bound journal features a cover in a color specific to its astrological sign, and matches the stickers on the Astrology Candles, Soaps, and Pencil Sets. Size: 7″ L × 5 ¼″ W × ½″ H; 100 lined pages. Sold in 4-packs.

AST Soap: Each 3 ½″ × 2 ¾″ × 1″ soap has a custom color-scheme and scent that matches its corresponding Astrology Candle.

Shrink-wrapped with a clear label.

Sold in 4-packs.

AST Safety Matchsticks: Glass bottles containing 50 safety matchsticks with custom color-schemes to match Astrology signs. Bottle size 1 ¾″ D × 4 ½″ H. 12 different bottles sold in 4-packs.

AST Pencils: 8 custom pencils made specifically for each sign. Each set features a “selfie pencil” with backwards writing to fulfill all your selfie needs… we see you, Leo. Box size: 8 ¼″ H × 3 ⅜″ W × ½″ L. Sold in 4-packs.

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Each glass bottle has a label on the back with astrology sign traits in matching color scheme.

Capricorn

aquarius

pisces

aries

GLOWING EMBERS

IT’S LIT

CREATIVE SPARK

FIRECRACKER

But still capable of a sick burn.

Let’s party!

I’ll make it happen someday...

We hear you, okay?

CAP-M

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AQU-M

PIS-M

ARI-M

ASTROLOGY MATCHSTICKS

taurus

gemini

cancer

leo

SCORCHED EARTH

HOT MESS

SMOLDERING FURNACE

BRINGIN’ THE HEAT

Essential for going on the war path.

And damn good at it.

Too hot to handle.

Basically the surface of the sun.

TAU-M

GEM-M

CAR-M

LEO-M

virgo

libra

scorpio

sagittarius

HAIR ON FIRE

OLD FLAME

BURN BOOK

UP IN SMOKE

Remain calm. I repeat, remain calm.

Who I definitely won’t text later...

Don't make me add your name.

And poof! I'm gone in a flash.

VIR-M

LIB-M

SCO-M

SAG-M

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ASTROLOGY LIQUID HAND SOAP

CINNAMON

PATCHOULI

CAPRICORN

AQUARIUS

PISCES

D ECEMBER 22 - J ANUA RY 19

J AN UA RY 2 0 - F E B RUA RY 18

F E B RUA RY 19 - M A RC H 20

CAP-L

AQU-L

PIS-L

GRAPEFRUIT

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SPEARMINT

ROSEMARY

TANGERINE

ARIES

TAURUS

GEMINI

MA RCH 21 - APR IL 19

A P R IL 2 0 - M AY 2 0

M AY 21 - J U NE 2 0

ARI-L

TAU-L

GEM-L

AQUARIANs have THE MOST FRIENDS.

wintergreen

lemonade

lime

CAncer

leo

virgo

JUNE 21 - JU LY 22

J U LY 2 3 - A U G U S T 2 2

A U G U S T 2 3 - S E P T E M BER 22

CAR-L

LEO-L

VIR-L

basil

eucalyptus

fennel

libra

scorpio

sagittarius

S EPTEMBER 23 - OCT OB E R 22

O C T O B E R 2 3 - N O V E M B E R 21

N O V E M B E R 2 2 - DE C E M BER 21

LIB-L

SCO-L

SAG-L

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ASTROLOGY SOAP

Capricorn

Pisces

BERGAMOT BOSS

PROGRESSIVE PAPAYA

DRIFTWOOD DREAMER

Smells like the boss of everyone

Smells like a real do-gooder

Smells like some serious delusions

CAP-S

AQU-S

PIS-S

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

AGGRESSIVE AGAVE LIME

CHAMPAGNE CHIC

WHIMSICAL WATERMELON

Smells like you only ride shotgun

Smells like a gold-plated sundae

Smells like a split personality

ARI-S

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Aquarius

TAU-S

GEM-S

CAPRICORNS ARE THE MOST INTELLIGENT.

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

MOODY MOJITOS

VANILLA VANITY

OVERTHINKING ORANGES

Smells like buried emotions

Smells like it’s all about you

Smells like making a list to make a list

CAR-S

LEO-S

VIR-S

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

FRENCH LAVENDER FLIRT

VINDICTIVE VIOLETS

WANDERING WHITE TEA

Smells like a peacekeeper

Smells like a supervillain

Smells like a disappearing act

LIB-S

SCO-S

SAG-S

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ASTROLOGY CANDLES

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

BERGAMOT BOSS FRAGRANCE

PROGRESSIVE PAPAYA FRAGRANCE

DRIFTWOOD DREAMER FRAGRANCE

back:

back:

back:

D Bossy AF

D Woke AF

D Head in the clouds

D Full-on workaholic

D New-agey

D Impressionable

D Fluent in sarcasm

D Social butterfly

D Consummate napper

“Capricorns are the most intelligent sign.”

“Aquarians have the most friends.”

“Pisceans are the unicorns of the zodiac.”

CAP-C

AQU-C

PIS-C

– a Capricorn

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– an Aquarius

– a Pisces

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

AGGRESSIVE AGAVE LIME FRAGRANCE

CHAMPAGNE CHIC FRAGRANCE

WHIMSICAL WATERMELON FRAGRANCE

back:

back:

back:

D Good at behaving badly

D Excels at “me time”

D Epicurean

D Frequent ER patient

D Personal space invader

D Fickle flirt

D Born winner

D Absolute ruler

D Devious mind

“An Aries never comes in second. Ever.”

“Taureans are the classiest of all the signs.”

– a Taurus

“Geminis have the best sense of humor.”

– an Aries

ARI-C

TAU-C

GEM-C

– a Gemini

GEMINIS HAVE THE BEST SENSE OF HUMOR.

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

MOODY MOJITOS FRAGRANCE

VANILLA VANITY FRAGRANCE

OVERTHINKING ORANGES FRAGRANCE

back:

back:

back:

D Professional introvert

D Always right

D Trivia champ

D Secretly clingy

D Charming AF

D Spreadsheet master

D Grudge collector

D Easily flattered

D Impromptu party planner

“Cancers are the most creative sign.”

“Leos are the best looking sign.”

“Virgos have it all figured out.”

CAR-C

LEO-C

VIR-C

– a Cancer

– a Leo

– a Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

FRENCH LAVENDER FLIRT FRAGRANCE

VINDICTIVE VIOLETS FRAGRANCE

WANDERING WHITE TEA FRAGRANCE

back:

back:

back:

D People pleaser

D Basic sadist

D Class clown

D Passive-aggressive

D Devours the weak

D Commitment-challenged

D Late fee collector

D Power glare champ

D Escape artist

“Libras make the best friends with benefits.”

“Everyone wants to be a Scorpio.”

“Sagittarians have the nicest bodies.”

LIB-C

SCO-C

SAG-C

– a Libra

– a Scorpio

– a Sagittarius

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ASTROLOGY PENCILS capricorn

aquarius

D E C E M B E R 22-J AN UA RY 19

J A NUA RY 20 - F EBRUARY 18

EVERY SILVER LINING HAS A CLOUD

UP FOR LITERALLY ANYTHING

YOU HAD ME AT REVOLUTION

MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY

SPIRITUAL GANGSTA

EVERY DAY I’M HUSTLIN’

POTENTIAL LIFE COACH

BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART

AQUARIANS ARE SECRETLY SMARTER

BOSSY AF BECAUSE I READ THE MANUAL

BFF COLLECTOR

MY PAY STUBS ARE LIT

ENIGMATIC BUT ALSO DRUNK

Selfie Pencil (Backwards):

Selfie Pencil (Backwards):

CONTROL FREEEEEAK

WOKE AF

Back:

Back:

You are in avid pursuit of wealth and power, but are more grounded than a world traveler on a no-fly list. People like you because you’re filthy rich. And even though your source of income might be considered “iffy,” there’s nothing sexier than a bit of danger and a wad of cash.

You have a deep understanding of human nature and would excel at writing straight-to-DVD chick flicks. Your desire to save the whole planet keeps you mindful of d oing real work for the people.

That said, you’re mostly valued for your non-stop partying and unstoppable quest to obtain the latest everything.

CAP-P

AQU-P

pisces

aries

FE B RUARY 19 - M A RC H 2 0

M A RC H 21 - APRIL 19

TIME FOR MY SECOND NAP

I COULD’VE EASILY GONE PRO

STRAY ANIMAL COLLECTOR

FIGHT ME

WILDLY UNDERAPPRECIATED

I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I’M DOING

DRINKS LIKE A FISH AMAZEBALLS IDEAS PENCIL MY ALONE TIME IS FOR YOUR SAFETY WILL ACCEPT FLATTERY Selfie Pencil (Backwards): TOTAL DREAMER

FOR MY NEXT TRICK...

NEAR PERFECTION UNFINISHED PROJECTS PENCIL WROTE THE 1ST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB Selfie Pencil (Backwards): 100%

Back:

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Back:

You have a large capacity for helping those in distress. You are sympathetic to the world’s unfortunate, including every stray animal and helpless soul you meet.

People like you because o f your unbridled optimism. Might want to keep that in check, though.

Collecting parking tickets shouldn’t fondly be referred to as a “hobby.”

You are a natural competitor with very little patience for whiners.

You’re a doer, not a dreamer and are not given to long, drawn-out emotional moments. People like you because you look hot in shorts.

This is the year to take your shower singing act on the road.

PIS-P

ARI-P

CANCERS ARE THE MOST CREATIVE SIGN. taurus

GEMINI

APR I L 20 - M AY 2 0

M AY 21 - JU NE 20

INFLEXIBLE BECAUSE I’M RIGHT

VODKA IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL

WHO WERE YOU JUST TEXTING?

I MADE MEMES BEFORE IT WAS COOL

I NEED MORE MIDDLE FINGERS I HEARD THERE WOULD BE CAKE JUST CALL ME DICTATOR FOR SHORT TREAT YO’SELF IS ON MY FAMILY CREST CHAMPAGNE GOES WITH EVERYTHING Selfie Pencil (Backwards): CLASSY AF Back: You are extremely reliable and protective of loved ones. Both loyal and committed, you have a stick-to-itive-ness that others admire and you ensure there’s never a single drop left in the bottle of Dom Perignon. People like you because you appreciate the finer things in life and can party hard without a single hair out of place.

TAU-P

I DON’T WANT TO GOSSIP, BUT...

WAIT TIL YOU MEET MY OTHER PERSONALITY I DON’T CARE WHAT I SAID 10 MINS AGO GEMINIS ARE LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES I’M NOT SUPERFICIAL, JUST REALLY INTO LOOKS Selfie Pencil (Backwards): WORLD CLASS FLIRT Back: You are a natural flirt and tend to seek out mentors in the form of wise-ish (and sexy) bartenders. In terms of introvert and extrovert, you tend to swing both ways, depending on the day… or cocktail.

And even though you’ve been called “out there” on more than one occasion, people like you because you’re t he good kind of crazy.

GEM-P

cancer

leo

JUN E 21 - JULY 2 2

J U LY 2 3 - AU G U S T 22

CANCERS HAVE ALL THE FEELS

LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!

PROFESSIONAL INTROVERT

BUT LET’S GET BACK TO ME

I’M FINE!

DID SOMEONE SAY JELLO SHOTS?

NO OFFENSE, I JUST DON’T LIKE PEOPLE

LEOS HAVE THE MOST STALKERS

I’M STABBING YOU IN MY MIND

EVEN YOUR MOM LOVES ME

BECAUSE I ONLY NEED ONE FRIEND

SPOON-FEED ME COMPLIMENTS

I’M JUST GONNA STAY HOME TONIGHT Selfie Pencil (Backwards): GHOSTING MASTER Back: You’re no stranger to thumbsucking, but you’re not a total pushover, either. It’s just that you have all those FEELINGS and it sometimes makes you need hugs more than most. People like you as much for your creativity as they do for your desire to day drink under an afghan and watch Snapped marathons with your bestie.

CAR-P

MY AURA SHOOTS RAINBOWS & GLITTER Selfie Pencil (Backwards): HELLO GORGEOUS Back: You are extremely charismatic and irresistible to most everyone you meet. You are generally the only person in the room who counts—and you know it. It’s not your fault you were born for such greatness. People like you almost as much as you like you.

LEO-P

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ASTROLOGY PENCILS virgo

libra

AUGUS T 23 - SE PTE M B E R 2 2

S E P T E M B E R 23 - O CT O BER 22

I COUGHED NOW I’M DEAD

THANKS FOR NOTHING

LIST-MAKING PENCIL

I’M SORRY I SAY SORRY ALL THE TIME

LET ME OVERTHINK THAT THAT TOTALLY REMINDS ME OF ME I EXCEL IN RANDOM WORST-CASE SCENARIOS SCHEDULING AN IMPROMPTU PARTY! VIRGOS FOLD TOWELS PERFECTLY Selfie Pencil (Backwards): NOBODY’S PERFECT (EXCEPT VIRGOS)

I’M DATING SOMEONE BUT WE CAN TEXT IT’S NO PROBLEM!!!!

EASILY DISTRACTED...

WHY CAN’T WE ALL GET ALONG? PRETTY PETTY, BUT STILL PRETTY Selfie Pencil (Backwards): ADORABLE AF

Back:

Back:

You are cautious and careful when sober, and tend to only let loose during pre-planned events. You have a firm grasp on the number of drinks both you and anyone else has ever had, and prefer to be in charge of the designated driver list. People like you because you look like a sexy professor and always have all the answers.

You’re a lover of art and all things beautiful and intellectual. That’s why you always date hotties with graduate degrees. Not one to enjoy alone time, you are at your best when in a solid relationship, or at least a decent one-night stand.

People like you because you tend to agree with everything.

VIR-P

LIB-P

scorpio

sagittarius

OC T OB E R 23 - N OVE M B E R 21

N O V E M B E R 22 - DECEM BER 21

CHECKMATE.

I EXIST, THEREFORE TACOS

WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?

VOTED MOST LIKELY TO LIVE IN A TENT

REVENGE IS BEST SERVED CONSTANTLY TWIRLING MY INVISIBLE MOUSTACHE EVIL MASTERMIND BEST FRENEMIES FOREVER PROFESSIONAL STALKER

LOL WHY R U SO SERIOUS? I NEED TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE I DON’T DO FAKE RANDOM THOUGHTS SQUAD Selfie Pencil (Backwards): MENTALLY SINGLE

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): FIERCE AF Back: You are passionate and fierce and do not suffer fools gladly.

You have the ambiance and appeal of a leather-clad supervillain and tend to keep your own entourage in tow. People like you because you always have the best ideas for revenge.

SCO-P

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Back: You are wild and free and enjoy traveling to the far ends of the earth with your band of merry mischief makers. Not one for long-term goals or commitments, you tend to disappear in the middle of the night for spur-of-the-moment road trips.

People like you because you always have the good party favors.

SAG-P

Light your candle

with whiskey river soap matchBOXes Swamp Thing Matchbox page 48

ASTROLOGY JOURNALS “I’m doing pretty good as far as geniuses go.”

– Kanye West, Gemini

The inside cover of each Astrology Journals cover has even more info including traits, description, colors, numbers, love matches, famous birthdays, and quotes.

capricorn

CAP-J

DECEMBER 22 JANUARY 19

aries MARCH 21 APRIL 19

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aquarius

AQU-J

JANUARY 20 FEBRUARY 18

ARI-J

taurus APRIL 20 MAY 20

pisces

PIS-J

FEBRUARY 19 MARCH 20

TAU-J

gemini MAY 21 JUNE 20

GEM-J

CANCER JUNE 21 - JULY 22 CAR-J

“I’m crazy and I don’t pretend to be anything else.”

– Rihanna, Pisces

leo

LEO-J

JULY 23 AUGUST 22

virgo

VIR-J

AUGUST 23 SEPTEMBER 22

sagittarius libra SEPTEMBER 23 OCTOBER 22

LIB-J

scorpio OCTOBER 23 NOVEMBER 21

NOVEMBER 22 - DECEMBER 21 SCO-J

SAG-J

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New

Soap

Original Soap Handmade vegan soaps designed by our in-house soap artisans with fragrance blends to match each concept. Shrink-wrapped with a kraft brown label.

Soap dimensions: 3 ½″ L × 2 ¾″ W × 1″ H. Sold in 4-packs.

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and

Candles You know how people say that two things “go together like soap and candles,” right?

Well they’re talking about our soap and candles. Many say it’s one of the greatest love stories of all time… and it started right here at Whiskey River Soap Co.

New

Duo Candles Always hand-poured and made with our exclusive blend of 100% soy wax and 0% bullshit. Fragrance blends match each concept and corresponding soap.

Glass vessel dimensions: 4″ D × 2 ½″ H. Burn time: 60 hours. Sold in 3-packs.

81

New

ALONE TIME LEAVE ME ALONE TEA FRAGRANCE back:

D Do not disturb D Don’t even text D Drop by and die

SOAP: ALO-S 7

82

36684 18263

CANDLE: ALO-C 2

7

36684 18255

7

NOW EVEN BETTER

INTROVERTS BLUE RASPBERRY JELL-O FRAGRANCE back:

D Great solo activity D Respects your space D Won’t ask you to an event

SOAP: INT-S

CANDLE: INT-C

83

New

84

I’M TOO SEXY SEXY SYRUP FRAGRANCE back:

D Too sexy for this soap (candle) D Too sexy for this shirt D Too sexy for this syrup

SOAP: SEX-S

CANDLE: SEX-C 7

36684 18222

9

SOUL MATES CINNABON FRAGRANCE back:

D It’s just you and me, baby D And maybe a cinnamon roll D I’ll share.

SOAP: SOU-S

CANDLE: SOU-C 7

36684 18223

6

85

MOM BRAIN SOGGY CHEERIOS FRAGRANCE back:

D Pants on backwards D Car keys in fridge D Baby in oven SOAP: MOM-S 7

36684 18269

4

CANDLE: MOM-C 7

BABY BUMPS PICKLES & ICE CREAM FRAGRANCE back:

D 6 PM: I’m frickin’ starving!

D 6:05 PM: I can’t eat.

D 1 AM: I’m frickin’ starving!

SOAP: BAB-S 7

86

36684 18264

CANDLE: BAB-C 9

7

36684 18256

4

36684 18261

8

New

BIG FAMILIES COOKIES & PLAY-DOH FRAGRANCE back:

D Small families don’t get it D Yes, they’re all my kids D Hey, leave your sister alone!

SOAP: BIG-S 7

36684 18265

CANDLE: BIG-C 6

7

36684 18257

1

87

Shovel provided by newly-famous WRS employee “Back Alley” Becca, who never met a plant she couldn’t save.

GOLD DIGGERS GOLDEN HONEY FRAGRANCE back:

D You know what they say D Don’t hate the player D Hate the game

SOAP: GLD-S 7

36684 18267

CANDLE: GLD-C 0

7

36684 18259

5

FEELING GOOD AS HELL CK-1 FRAGRANCE back:

D Find.

D Someone.

D Who appreciates you.

SOAP: FGH-S 7

88

36684 18266

CANDLE: FGH-C 3

7

36684 18258

8

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID TWINKIE FRAGRANCE back:

D Grilled foot D Broken plasma TV D Oaky afterbirth SOAP: SHE-S 7

36684 18270

0

CANDLE: SHE-C 7

36684 18262

5

IT’S TEN A.M. SOMEWHERE BREAKFAST PALOMA FRAGRANCE back:

D Me? Have a problem?

D Well, maybe…

D Just pour me another, ok?

SOAP: TEN-S 7

36684 18268

CANDLE: TEN-C 7

7

36684 18260

1

89

Day Drinking MOJITOS FRAGRANCE back:

D Pairs well with daytime TV D Helps pass the time

top sellers

D Seamless segue into nighttime drinking

SOAP DAY-S

CANDLE DAY-C

Need we say more?

Seriously, these soap and candle styles are sure to clean house and then burn it down.

(In a good way.)

Social Anxiety VODKA VITAMIN WATER FRAGRANCE back:

D I have Ebola D My hamster ran away D I just found out I’m a hologram

CANDLE SOC-C

SOAP SOC-S

Dog People GRASSY DOG PARK FRAGRANCE back:

D Drawer of embarrassing costumes D Wet chew toys everywhere D Cat people are freaks

SOAP DOG-S

90

CANDLE DOG-C

Cat People WARM MILK FRAGRANCE back:

D My cat has an Instagram D Lint rollers in the car D Dog people suck

SOAP CAT-S

CANDLE CAT-C

Teachers POISONED APPLE FRAGRANCE back:

Fucking Meetings

D IDK, CAN you go to the bathroom?

BOURBON IN MY COFFEE FRAGRANCE

D Don’t you dare say “Wikipedia” D I just realized I don’t even like kids

back:

D Per. D My. D Last email.

CANDLE TEA-C

SOAP TEA-S

Shit Shows FIREBALL SHOTS FRAGRANCE back:

D I did what?

D So THAT’S how I got that bruise D It was fun, though, right?

SOAP FME-S

CANDLE FME-C

SOAP SHI-S

CANDLE SHI-C

91

Stoners CANNABIS FRAGRANCE back:

D Gateway soap D Antagonizes DEA

Alaska

D Approved for medicinal purposes

SOAP AKS-S

CANDLE AKS-C

SOAP STO-S

CANDLE STO-C

ARIZONA SOAP AZS-S

CANDLE AZS-C

Colorado is the standard UPC CODES FOR OTHER OPTIONS SHOWN BELOW AND AT RIGHT:

CANADA

Illinois

MASSACHUSETTS

SOAP CST-S

SOAP CAS-S

SOAP ILL-S

SOAP MAS-S

CANDLE CST-C

CANDLE CAS-C

CANDLE ILL-C

CANDLE MAS-C

MAINE

MICHIGAN

MONTANA

NEW JERSEY

SOAP MES-S

SOAP MIS-S

SOAP MTS-S

SOAP NJS-S

CANDLE MES-C

CANDLE MIS-C

CANDLE MTS-C

CANDLE NJS-C

NEW MEXICO

NEW YORK

NEVADA

OREGON

SOAP NMS-S

SOAP NYS-S

SOAP NES-S

SOAP OST-S

CANDLE NMS-C

CANDLE NYS-C

CANDLE NES-C

CANDLE OST-C

SOUTH DAKOTA

VERMONT

WASHINGTON

WASHINGTON, D.C.

SOAP SDS-S

SOAP VTS-S

SOAP WST-S

SOAP DCS-S

CANDLE SDS-C

CANDLE VTS-C

CANDLE WST-C

CANDLE DCS-C

CALIFORNIA

92

Birthday Blues

Zero Fucks

Grammar Police

SAD BIRTHDAY CAKE FRAGRANCE

ORANGE CREAMSICLE FRAGRANCE

JELLY DOUGHNUT FRAGRANCE

back:

back:

back:

D I never get carded anymore

D Tired

D Your/you’re

D And I’m STILL 21. Pinky swear.

D Of

D Their/there/they’re

D Will you stop counting already?

D It

D Things I’ve just learned since Facebook

SOAP BIR-S

SOAP ZER-S

SOAP GRA-S

CANDLE BIR-C

CANDLE ZER-C

CANDLE GRA-C

It’s Only Frickin’ Tuesday GUM SMACKING CO-WORKER (SPEARMINT) FRAGRANCE back:

D Wake me up on Thursday D I’m already four coffees in D Yawn.

SOAP FRI-S

CANDLE FRI-C

93

top sellers

Besties GRAPE HARD SELTZER FRAGRANCE back:

D No one else gets us D Who cares D Support your local girl gang

SOAP BES-S

CANDLE BES-C

It’s Fine PLAIN TAP WATER FRAGRANCE back:

D Whatever D I’m not mad D It’s fine

calm the f down RAIN STICK (OCEAN) FRAGRANCE back:

D Live D Laugh D Haha, fuck that

CANDLE ITF-C

SOAP ITF-S

WORKING FROM Home WHISKEY WITH A SPLASH OF COFFEE FRAGRANCE back:

D Pants-free devices

SOAP CAL-S

D Panic-based overcompensation D Usually buzzed

CANDLE CAL-C

SOAP WOR-S

94

CANDLE WOR-C

The Middle Child PURPLE HAZE (GRAPE) FRAGRANCE back:

D Magnifies misery D Your sister’s wedding was just beautiful D Who are you again?

TOP 10 CANDLES Fucking Meetings WORKING FROM HOME DOG PEOPLE BESTIES

SOAP MID-S

CANDLE MID-C

IT’S ONLY FRICKIN’ TUESDAY CAT PEOPLE CALM THE F DOWN

karens

ZERO FUCKS

SPIKY HAIR STYLING MOUSSE FRAGRANCE

DAY DRINKING

back:

D Stable genius

KARENS

D Blacklisted from Trader Joe’s D Facebook fanatic

TOP 10 soaps CANDLE KRN-C

SOAP KRN-S

Dog People Cat People BESTIES

Okay Moms SIPPY CUP WINE FRAGRANCE back:

D Pairs well with nap time D Is also tired of perfect moms D Your kids love you anyway

ZERO FUCKS CALM THE F DOWN THE MIDDLE CHILD OKAY MOMS WORKING FROM HOME KARENS BIRTHDAY BLUES

SOAP OKA-S

CANDLE OKA-C

95

ORIGINAL SOAP & CANDLES

A NEW HOME TRENDY TERRARIUM FRAGRANCE back:

D A fresh start!

D A clean slate!

D It’ll be a mess in no time

SOAP ANE-S

CANDLE ANE-C

Awkward Moments SKETCHY OINTMENT FRAGRANCE back:

D Fly unzipped D Unwanted eye contact D Wrong person

CANDLE AWK-C

SOAP AWK-S

Beer Whisperers OATMEAL STOUT FRAGRANCE back:

D The proof is in the beer belly D Some of us just want a buzz D Uh-oh: Craft weed is trending

Don’t knock the classics.

SOAP BEE-S

96

CANDLE BEE-C

Being Awesome ONE SURFING LESSON (OCEAN SCENT) FRAGRANCE back:

D Dude.

D Fist bump!

D Awesomesauce.

SOAP BEI-S

CANDLE BEI-C

BLURSDAY BURNT TOAST FRAGRANCE back:

D Same shit D Different day D FML

CANDLE BLU-C

SOAP BLU-S

Emergency Ambiance Travel Tins pages 26-29

CAFFEINE ADDICTS COFFEE SHOP FRAGRANCE back:

D Good source of the jitters D Absorbs nighttime rest D Cheaper than coke

SOAP ADD-S

CANDLE ADD-C

97

Classy AF

THE COOL AUNT

Dad Bods

BLACK CURRANT FRAGRANCE

JUICY GOSSIP FRAGRANCE

TOASTED MARSHMALLOW FRAGRANCE

back:

back:

back:

D Champagne in a Solo cup

D Your mom wasn’t always lame

D Heels at the gym

D Here’s 20 bucks

D Pairs well with couch time

D Mani-pedi before sentencing

D Wanna sip?

SOAP CLA-S

CANDLE CLA-C

D Builds unwavering confidence D Bring me another beer

SOAP AUN-S

SOAP DAD-S

CANDLE AUN-C

CANDLE DAD-C

Dad Jokes CORNIEST CORN BREAD FRAGRANCE back:

D Hey Dad, make me a sandwich D Poof! You’re a sandwich D #sloweyerolls

SOAP DAJ-S

CANDLE DAJ-C

Matchbooks pages 49-50

98

Drinking Buddies

Fake News

The First Child

MOJITOS FRAGRANCE

ORANGE KOOL-AID FRAGRANCE

BRAND-NEW EVERYTHING (WINTERGREEN) FRAGRANCE

back:

back:

back:

D Fancy meeting you here

D You’re fake news

D Reduces parental pressure

D Just like yesterday

D No, you are

D Keeps younger siblings out of your stuff

D Barkeep!

D Takes one to know one, poser news

D Is practically perfect, too

SOAP DRI-S

SOAP FAK-S

SOAP FIC-S

CANDLE DRI-C

CANDLE FAK-C

CANDLE FIC-C

Friday Feels LUNCHTIME COCKTAILS FRAGRANCE back:

D Enhances good vibes D Staves off Mondays D Is it 5 yet?

SOAP FFE-S

CANDLE FFE-C

99

100

The FUN UNCLE

Gen X

Gen Z

BLACK ICE FRAGRANCE

FRESHLY LAUNDERED FLANNEL FRAGRANCE

NEVERENDING SLUSHIE (BLUE RASPBERRY) FRAGRANCE

back:

back:

back:

D Illegal fireworks

D Promotes slacking

D Gaming is life

D Red Bull

D Looks good in a flannel

D This soap is so cringe

D Don’t tell your parents

D Pairs well with Nirvana

D JK, I low-key love soap

SOAP UNC-S

SOAP GEX-S

SOAP GEZ-S

CANDLE UNC-C

CANDLE GEX-C

CANDLE GEZ-C

Gettin’ Lit

Hangovers

Happy Campers

UMBRELLA DRINKS (TROPICAL SCENT) FRAGRANCE

BLOODY MARY FRAGRANCE

NUKED S’MORES FRAGRANCE

back:

back:

back:

D Who cares if it’s only Tuesday

D Why do I do this to myself?

D Increases instances of squatting in the woods

D Last night was fun, lol

D Who needs plumbing?

D Let’s do this

D What’s on tap for tonight?

D Bugs are people, too

SOAP GET-S

SOAP HAN-S

SOAP HAP-S

CANDLE GET-C

CANDLE HAN-C

CANDLE HAP-C

D It’ll break up the week

Pencils with Low Self-Esteem page 39

101

Astrology Matches page 66

102

Hot Messes

InDOOR PEOPLE

Karma

CHEAP LIP GLOSS FRAGRANCE

BUBBLE BATH BUDS FRAGRANCE

LAUGHING BUDDHA (SANDALWOOD) FRAGRANCE

back:

back:

back:

D Encourages late nights

D Hot showers

D Ha.

D Enhances walks of shame

D Ice cold AC

D Ha.

D Knows the best happy hours

D Netflix & chill

D Ha.

SOAP HOT-S

SOAP IND-S

SOAP KAR-S

CANDLE HOT-C

CANDLE IND-C

CANDLE KAR-C

Lefties

A Man’s Man

Midlife Crisis

PRESCHOOL PASTE JAR (MINT) FRAGRANCE

BLIZZARD CAMPFIRE FRAGRANCE

KUMQUAT TREE FRAGRANCE

back:

back:

back:

D The old gross baseball glove

D Good for bear wrasslin’

D Won’t fade new tattoos

D Backwards coffee mugs

D Doesn’t talk much either

D Mild on recent piercings

D Dinnertime elbow wars

D Will drink you under the hand-hewn table

D Likes 22-year-olds, too

SOAP LEF-S

SOAP MAN-S

SOAP MIC-S

CANDLE LEF-C

CANDLE MAN-C

CANDLE MIC-C

103

Millennials GREEN NEW DEAL SCENT FRAGRANCE back:

D Pairs well with avocado toast D And student loans D OK boomer.

CANDLE MIL-C

SOAP MIL-S

Morning People SUGAR CEREAL COMA FRAGRANCE back:

D What alarm?

D Stop talking so loud D I can cut you

SOAP MOR-S

CANDLE MOR-C

Namaste OM SCENT (LAVENDER & EUCALYPTUS) FRAGRANCE back:

D Gratitude for yoga pants D Downward dog anyplace, anywhere, anytime D Breathe.

Half-Pint of Magic candles page 24

104

CANDLE NAM-C

SOAP NAM-S

Napping MTN. DEW SUGAR CRASH FRAGRANCE back:

D Midmorning nap D After-lunch nap D After-nap nap

SOAP NAP-S

CANDLE NAP-C

NEAT FREAKS DESIGNER DETERGENT FRAGRANCE back:

D Alphabetized cereal D Color-coded closet D Coaster, please!

CANDLE NEA-C

SOAP NEA-S

OFFICE NAPS COVID CANDY BOWL FRAGRANCE back:

D I just closed my eyes for a sec!

D I’m doing “market research” D Yes, with sunglasses on!

SOAP OFN-S

CANDLE OFN-C

Liquid Soap page 51

105

The Only Child CANDY APPLE OF MY EYE FRAGRANCE back:

D Sharing? Never heard of it D What are “other people”?

D My parents are my besties!

SOAP ONC-S

CANDLE ONC-C

Soap for Office Naps page 105

OUTDOOR PEOPLE SUMMER CAMP FRAGRANCE back:

D Enhances sunsets D Improves the taste of granola D Pairs well with bug spray

CANDLE OUT-C

SOAP OUT-S

PERSONAL SPACE REESES CUP FRAGRANCE back:

D Back off D Seriously D Touch my monitor and die

SOAP PES-S

106

CANDLE PES-C

Queens JUST BITE ME (CHERRY CANDY) FRAGRANCE back:

D Talk to the hand.

D I’m. Going. Out. And don’t even think of following me.

D (Text me later, boo)

SOAP QUE-S

CANDLE QUE-C

Redheads SPICY CIDER FRAGRANCE back:

D Yes, it’s real D I’m wearing red anyway D Can we NOT talk about my hair?

CANDLE RED-C

SOAP RED-S

Single Ladies LEMONADE FRAGRANCE

Shit’s Fucked candle page 27

back:

D Do whatever the F you want D No in-laws D Should’ve put a ring on it…

SOAP SIN-S

CANDLE SIN-C

107

Slightly Unhinged

Small Towns

Sunday Funday

JELLO SHOTS FRAGRANCE

ROOT BEER FLOAT FRAGRANCE

MIMOSAS FRAGRANCE

back:

back:

back:

D 20% scary

D OMG, high school sports!

D Booze-soaked appetizers

D Always exciting

D We’re getting a Chipotle???

D Booze-soaked future plans

D 35% scarier after cocktails

D Complain all you want, but you’ll miss it when you leave

D Booze-soaked Uber ride home

SOAP SLI-S

SOAP SMA-S

SOAP SUN-S

CANDLE SLI-C

CANDLE SMA-C

CANDLE SUN-C

Matchbooks

thirsty thursday

pages 49-50

DIRTY MARTINI FRAGRANCE back:

D Gin, not vodka D Vodka, not gin D Eh, just make it double & dirty

SOAP THI-S

108

CANDLE THI-C

tomorrow, okay?* DISTRACTING LAVA LAMP (FRUITY) FRAGRANCE back:

D It’s fine D I do this all the time D I'll get it done, soon-ish!

SOAP TOM-S

CANDLE TOM-C

*Soap styles come in 4 different colors, candle styles come in 3 diffrent colors.

The Trophy Husband TRICKED-OUT PORSCHE FRAGRANCE back:

D Looks good on your arm D Looks good in anything… or nothing D Jealous much?

CANDLE TRO-C

SOAP TRO-S

vegans LAWN TRIMMING SALAD FRAGRANCE back:

D OMG, no CHEESE? D Fake BACON? D Real booze, tho

SOAP VEG-S

CANDLE VEG-C

109

military wives

The Youngest

Zero Carbs

CHAOTIC KUMQUAT FRAGRANCE

BABY LOTION FRAGRANCE

CUCUMBER WATER FRAGRANCE back:

back:

back:

D Anniversaries alone

D You’ll get your turn

D I.

D Canceled vacation plans

D Need.

D Extended deployment... again

D You’re lucky to have all these hand-medowns

SOAP WIV-S

SOAP YNG-S

SOAP ZCA-S

CANDLE WIV-C

CANDLE YNG-C

CANDLE ZCA-C

Soap for Gold Diggers page 88

110

D You’ll always be the baby

D Bread.

DISPLAYS & NOTES ORDER MINIMUMS: First order: $150.00 – any combination of current Whiskey River products.

Re-orders: $100.00 – any combination of current Whiskey River products.

pencil display FREE when filled with pencils.

Additional fee for extra displays.

PD

TERMS: New accounts: Prepaid via check, money order, cash, or credit card.

Established accounts: Net 30.

Terms and Conditions of Credit All orders must be paid no later than 30 days from date shipped. A credit limit will be placed on your account. If your account exceeds this limit, pre-payment may be required. Customer shall pay Whiskey River Soap Co. all costs, expenses, legal and collection fees as incurred in enforcing the terms and conditions as allowed by law.

PAYMENT: Company check, money order, cash, credit card, PayPal, or ACH bank transfers

soap display FREE when filled with soap.

Additional fee for extra displays.

DB

SHIPPING: Orders shipped via UPS Ground unless otherwise specified. Freight charges will be determined at time of shipping and will be added to each invoice. All domestic freight charges are capped at 15% of the wholesale order total. All shipments will be charged the actual freight cost of the order(s). Rates and service subject to change at any time at the sole discretion of Whiskey River Soap Co.

FYI: Some of our candles have slightly revised copy on the labels because silly lines about “lathering up” don’t make a lick of sense on a candle and we adhere to a stringent 20% rule about making sense.

ASTROLOGY pencil display FREE when filled with pencils.

Additional fee for extra displays.

FURTHERMORE: All our soaps and candles are handmade, so no two look exactly alike. Expect some deviation!

CLAIMS: Any claims for damaged or mis-shipped items must be made within 7 days of receipt of merchandise by notifying your sales rep.

Claims must be supported with photos of product, tracking number, and outer carton.

RETURNS: Returns are not accepted for any merchandise unless items are damaged or mis-shipped. For damaged or mis-shipped items, a return authorization number is required and must appear on all related correspondence. All returned merchandise must be received within 30 days of receipt of merchandise and be in 100% resalable condition for credit. A 25% restocking fee will be deducted for items received in poor condition and/or received beyond the 30-day return window. Return freight is the responsibility of the customer and must be prepaid by the customer.

PRICING: Prices are subject to change without notice.

This catalog and corresponding order form’s pricing supersedes all others. Current prices are effective from January 1, 2022.

NOTE ABOUT PERISHABLE PRODUCTS: Our products are perishable. Treat them as you would chocolate or a wounded kitten. They must be stored in cool, dry conditions to maintain optimum shelf life.

Do not place products in direct sunlight or leave in warm, humid environments like a hot car or a Brazilian discotheque.

INGREDIENTS: Some of our soaps contain a few extras, like glitter in Queens. The basic ingredients (which are all printed on the labels) are: coconut oil, palm oil, safflower oil, glycerine, purified water, sodium hydroxide, sorbitol, sorbitan oleate, soy bean protein, coloring, and fragrance.

Our candles are 100% soy wax with added color & fragrance. The end.

APD

111

www.whiskeyriversoap.com • sales@whiskeyriversoap.com