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Transformation
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Olivia Williams is from the Midwest and currently lives in Lebanon, Indiana. Their poems, as well as a short story of theirs, have appeared in Etchings Literary and Fine Arts Magazine vol. 33.2, 33.1, & 33.2. Their short story “We had coffee. We smiled.” was chosen by Indiana Poet Laureate Adrian Matejka as the Runner Up for the Dorlis Gott Armentrout Award in Etchings Literary and Fine Arts Magazine vol 33.2. Olivia’s poem “Betrayal” also received an Honorable Mention Award from R. Flowers Rivera in the University of Indianapolis’ English Department Awards. Olivia will graduate in May of 2021 with a Bachelor’s Degree in Creative Writing as well as a minor in Literary Studies from the University of Indianapolis. They plan on going to graduate school for English because their dream job is to be a creative writing instructor at a university. Olivia’s passion is poetry writing but they love fiction and story writing as well. When they aren’t writing or reading they are outside. They love nature, hiking, gardening, skateboarding, and kayaking! Olivia will always pick tea over coffee, but their favorite tea is Boba/Bubble tea. They enjoy art, music, food, graphic novels, and spending all their time adventuring with their partner, and fellow writer, McKenna Tetrick.
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Nothing is lost … everything is transformed. -Michael Ende
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Contents I.
Love
First Memory……………………………………………………………………………………………....# 9 Peace
10/22/20………………………………………………………………………………………..# 10
Valentine’s Chocolate ………………………………………………………………………….# 13 [Moments].................................................................................................................................. # 14 Let’s Fly Under the Stars!...........................................................................................................# 16 Freckles……………………………………………………………………………………….. # 19 Body of Mine…………………………………………………………………………………..# 20 No one else could know how i feel when I’m………………………………………………....# 21
II.
Story Time
Storytelling……………………………………………………………………………………..# 23 The Death of the Three Bananas……………………………………………………………… # 24 Kettle…………………………………………………………………………………………...# 26 Betrayal……………………………………………………………………………………….. # 27 Clock………………………………………………………………………………………….. # 31
III.
Loss
how i died……………………………………………………………………………………... # 34 Snowflake……………………………………………………………………………………...# 36 The Room……………………………………………………………………………………....# 41 On Death and Poetry…………………………………………………………………………...# 42 Looking for god………………………………………………………………………………..# 43
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Decaying Plants………………………………………………………………………………..# 44 It’s a beautiful day, but I’m tired…………………………………………………………….... # 46
IV.
Nature
Craving………………………………………………………………………………………....# 49 Big Blue River…………………………………………………………………………………# 50 Geode…………………………………………………………………………………………..# 53 Rays…………………………………………………………………………………………….# 54 Abandoned Plants from Lowes………………………………………………………………...# 55 Lowe’s Lizard
2/14/21……………………………………………………………………………....# 56
Primal…………………………………………………………………………………………..# 58 Strawberry……………………………………………………………………………………...# 59
V.
Identity
I am…………………………………………………………………………………………….# 61 Hair Style……………………………………………………………………………………... # 62 I am Neither…………………………………………………………………………………... # 64
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Transformation
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I. Love
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First Memory i remember the first time i saw m’lover sat in a library at a table with a book, hair down & flowing off her neck, back, and shoulders i saw the curls of gold that matched her eyes a spotlight that shimmered and surrounded m’lover as if it were a movie as if she were my new revelation, religion, my destiny i could feel the rest of the world blur as i focused on you perfect teeth, pink lips and a kind smile, your heart was full of love a soul of elastic that would always bounce back m’lover you were my best friend first and that always you will be m’love for you will never fade, in fact it has grown stronger every day three years has never felt so long and so short, i know we will be timeless beings, spirits that belong to nature to nature we will give back [together] m’lover you are… fire? water? a force so strong, so bold creative, free, flowing impactful, moving, awe-inspiring monumental force of passion and determination i fear the lives of those who stand in your way, attempt to oppose you but my favorite thing is when you prove someone wrong intelligence so growing and bountiful i listen, i watch, i learn i want to be a sponge that soaks up your water i want to be the fuel that ignites your flame i want to be immortal by your side m’lover i realize now that you make me want to live
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Peace
10/22/20
It was a fall day like no other, the sun, the clouds, the perfect temperature accompanied with a gentle and fresh breeze It had been gray, raining about a week straight We held one another, seated in individual arm chairs, I don’t like them because they keep me too far away from you, The warmth and soft touch of the sun only touch that could possibly attempt at touching like you do The rays of light emitted warmth from each of the two tall windows, facing us the white light cast brilliant shadows geometric shapes on the walls on your face, your closed eyes, your pink lips and cheeks the soft, tender snore you sing when you sleep I woke from our mid evening nap, I clung my body to yours The soft cotton of your shirt, the smoothness of your perfect skin Cradled me as time became nothing Your glasses were still on as your head was tipped back against the wall Damn these arm chairs that keep me from you The wall, the border that separates us It is like everything else we have come across in our lives Our existence remains political, an opinion, a vote away from being taken from us
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Recently, I often have feared for the future The future of…everything The world My family Your family Our future Waking from this needed but separated and uncomfortable sleep I looked to the windows The sky a pale blue the stage for the dancing ships of clouds, carried by that vast wind
blue ocean sky
It was then out of the windows in the sun That I saw our future I saw the light of the sun, felt its warmth It was the first time in a terribly long time that I felt safe, happy, content Everything for us, will be warm Our future is you in my arms,
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your touch on me It is soft, it is bright
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Valentine’s Chocolate never have i gotten chocolates on Valentine’s day, the one in the large heart of cardboard, filled with assorted truffles. give me milk chocolate caramel cubes; i pick it out of the box and give it to you. a dark chocolate pecan and delight. i’ll trade you an orange creme for a strawberry. milk chocolate truffle for me, you, a white chocolate truffle. chocolate covered almonds and toffees filled squares with nougat flavored fruits and nuts walnuts and cashew clusters, almonds too. show me you love me and i will do the same. love comes cubed and covered in chocolate.
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[Moments] sometimes it is the little moments that make my body yearn for your touch more than the heavy moments between us. / like when you make me breakfast and tea in the morning to start my day. like the way you smile when you laugh [with more than just your mouth, even your eyes and teeth smile too]. like when you pick out my clothes so we both match. or like when you sing along to a song on the radio [i keep note of the name] and turn to me and stare. like when i am in the shower and you come through the bathroom door to brush your teeth. // i’ve realized that all of these little things, these moments that we share between us, these are the ones that keep me going. the moments that make me love you even more than I already did two minutes ago. the moments that i am so full of love that i can't stand still any longer. i clench my fists but i let the love flow. /// the touch we share is always hidden and buried in the dark blankets of night. we know that
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the day is never ever safe. when you touch me i am home and secure.. //// but when i am safe i feel dangerous and when i am in danger there is some sense of normalcy to it all that i don’t always understand. the lightest kiss or touch sends my body into a series of trembles and in those moments there is nothing i want more than you. i crave your soft warm touch and i want to return it. sometimes [and these are the purest moments] there is nothing stopping me from loving you.
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Lets Fly Under the Stars! We felt like We almost died but I know that We both have never felt more alive (at least not in a while). dramatic… I know, it’s more fun that way though! I wore three pairs of pants waterproof hiking boots with two pairs of thick, fuzzy socks a hat and gloves and about five layers of shirts plus My jacket and You the same. We only had one sled but when have either of Us known a life without sharing? I drove, the roads were dark and slick with black ice not to mention it was around 8pm on a midwest winter night. the park dark and empty alone stood that great hill, covered in sheets of ice and snow. one lone parking lot light pole faced the hill and shone on the top … waiting. We screamed and laughed while jumping out of the car. I grabbed my gloves and You carried out the sled. You didn’t know but that was the one I’ve used every winter since I was ten. it was a multi-colored Sno-sprint plastic sled with the twine yellow rope.
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the deep yellow, mixing in with the red and green, and a little bit of blue in the middle (where all of the colors meet). Wow! That hill is so huge! I’ve never been sledding on one this tall! I smiled and watched the solo light from the parking lot shine in Your eyes, then laughed when I saw the breath from Your lips release and cloud ~ puff ~ upwards. Let’s go! We climbed everest and huffed in the sharp, single digit cold air. reaching the top We noticed that it was completely coated in ice. solid ice that could break a hip not ice that crackles when you simply step on it. Was this a bad idea?
Well, we are already here, it’s too late now. I slammed the sled down and it began to slide backwards. We scrambled to catch it both of Our eyes wide. I steadied it and You slowly crawled on and positioned Your legs. I handed down the rope and We both waited in the silent night. I looked up at the stars. the sky was so black and the stars so clear, so bright. around each little
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circle of light was a purple or blue ring. I had a thought… Let’s fly under the diamonds! How about we live forever, as one? then … I let You go ( maybe more of a push ) and You did just that, You flew under those stars that night and when it was My turn to fly I figured that was what had officially sealed the deal…
E R O F
V E R .
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Freckles i love to see you in the light too bad the dark is the only time i get to look i want to look in the light to process your body and etch it into my mind to see the universe in your wide eyes shining in that blanket of black night hidden behind walls, closets, and doors this house is paper thin, if we aren’t careful it threatens to fall apart and reveal us together in that safety of the dark trace scars and freckles map them on your back. this dark oval that is the place where i keep our secrets which is why it is bigger. a light brown circle (only known by me, i know it’s true) is so small that the only thing that it can bear to hold are the number of places where we are safe. this one over here, to the right a little that one has a couple other freckles around it, connecting them together that is the list of things i wish to give you. and this one down here to the left keep going there! that one shows me the way, where to love you.
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Body of Mine life has given me a body to tell you the truth i’ve never wanted it / a body / a life it just has never been a thing that has seemed like it’s for me / a body / a life i’ve always been full of love for others and a hate for myself an anger that i’ve never understood back then i no longer wanted to live but now i do (i haven’t been cured but at least now, i try, i want) i try to care for this body that i have often times i still hate it feel like it isn’t mine, i feel my consciousness float up and leave as i look down at this body that doesn’t feel or even remotely look like me / a body / a life that is in ripples, blurry, and disconnected your body has scars [while mine has paint splatters] but i kiss them everyday to see if i can alleviate the pain for you in the night [blanket of stars] you kiss me too and show me that body can be beautiful when i thought no one ever would no one could love a body like mine but you give me a drive to care for this body of mine i want to share it with you touch my skin, all of the marks and i’ll always kiss your scars / a body / a life
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No one else could know how I feel when I’m standing side by side with you gazing at the grand green mountains we walked and wept weakly while wandering, wondering how have you heated my world like the sun you have become my light leading the lost, the lost looking like me thank you for thinking that i am perfect, when i really know that perfection is you make nature ours and name it our own, love it for what it is, naked and all reach and run, right and wrong wrinkle your nose and i’ll make sure that it is kissed embrace the energy so ecstatic and electrified let it enter through you this is where our story begins
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II. Story Time
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Storytelling get lost in your love i feel so safe with you here lose track of all time tell me a story tonight give me adventure and more
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The Death of the Three Bananas The three bananas died on January 23, 2021. Each were siblings, born of the same mother and father, connected by the vine, the root… the same tree. The leaves of green gave shape to the curve of these three small crescent moons. So green they were like topical leaves on the market table. Now these three fruits grew together and never parted until some fateful day at the Kroger off of state road 39. Picked up and placed into the soft, small bag and tied with the green twist-ease ties off the rack. They strolled through every aisle in the store. The wheels turned and squeaked all the way to the cashiers at the front. The shiny tile glided the cart to the line and the bananas were taken to the self-checkout. Lifted out of the cart the thin bag of fruit was placed onto the weight scale ($0.58 per pound). The three bananas were seemingly inexpensive however, they knew that the price they were to pay was great. Thrown around with other groceries until they were transported home they tossed and quaked with each stop and go of the car. Once the three siblings arrived at the house they were carried inside and placed on the counter. This counter is a place that they would grow to know very well in the next few weeks. The weeks where they would wither and wrinkle, decomposing in the very place they were brought to live. Their color of lively green slowly faded into a bright and radiant yellow. The yellow then speckled with freckles of brown as if kissed by the sun
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during the hot summer days. But time is moving forward and it is still only January. The cold breeze from the door and the heat from the HVAC system with a touch of loneliness brought on their deaths. Now a dark brown, creeping towards a black as deep as tar on the asphalt in the summer. Leaking and oozing on the counter where they once sat so proud and tall. Linked together by their familial bond once before but now they stretch and fall different directions. Each chose a different path to where they inched towards death. One jumped off the counter to end its suffering. The other fell over and stayed on the counter until it died. The third tried to walk towards the fruit basket to join the healthy-looking apples and oranges, the bright warm glow. It made it to the edge of the wicker that was woven into walls to keep the rotting carcass out. It reached and tried to grow tall only to see that it was shrinking and falling apart. They died of loneliness. The lack of touch. This was their home filled with no love.
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Kettle
E L T
Freckles E Tongue Eyes K & Morning Lips Day Tea Teeth & Night L o (Black) Bookcase & Pens Pencil Paper & o Milk & Chair Breakfast s Mug & Desk Lemon Lipstick Eggs & e Sugar & Toast L Water Honey Tranquil Travel Home e String Stain Leaves Loss Hotel a & Tea News f Bag Spring Steep Spoon Dark Paper or even Steam Magazine bagged Rise Straw Sleep Summer TV m a k e it & Fall Pour Cup Poetry packaged Evaporate Pitcher Family a blend & Warmth Winter Fall Making v a r i e t y Smiles Glass Ceramic Love p a c k Reading & Stars Dreams & Crying Writing Laughing Singing Dancing Playing Games Hoping Loving Learning Start End (Green) T
.
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Betrayal wait for the signal and i’ll meet you after dark -Taylor Swift open your heart let it bleed down your chest and the stream of red run down your arms, stomach, and legs learn [again] not to trust anyone the wound is too deep and you are already far too gone to attempt to fix *** i will call to you in the night my love and we will meet a new chance for love and a new start to life we will share. trust the lover write to them i will go where you call let me know the time and place and i’ll be there to meet you to take our chance to flee this hell. trust the lover again and again wait for the signal and i’ll meet you after dark the lover writes to you so you wait three nights and three days impatiently awaiting the signal, letter, final call on the fourth night you cannot wait for any longer so you pack your small bag full of food, clothes, and herbs grab your dagger and coat as you dash out into the darkness of the night
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towards your lovers’ home you travel across the village through the town, down back streets and alleys in order to not be seen once you see your lovers’ home you walk secretly through the yard and go towards the window throw small rocks and stones to summon your love toss them gently enough to not break the glass with every throw there is a tap tap tap! the lights are on your lover must be home! climb the ivy railing up the side of the house onto the roof and reach the window look inside see the warm yellow light your eyes shine and smile grows when you peer through the window and see your lover as they walk through the door wave your arms and knock on the glass signal to them that it is time to run it is time to finally go and start a new life your lover doesn’t see you but they smile your eyes dart towards the direction of theirs to the large bed against the back wall of the room on the bed lays another [someone that isn’t you] completely naked in the warm glow of the window light you see your lover stride towards the bed your eyes now wide and your smile forgotten
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your heart pounds and you lose all hope and happiness that you had before as you watch in horror your lover kiss the other on the bed you can’t look away you see the movement of hands and watch a horrid gasp escapes your mouth tears begin to spill out of you as your throat tightens and constricts the air inside you you jump away from the window but crawl back to make sure you really did see what you thought and sure enough you see your lover (who loves too much) with the other in the bed you want to leave, run, escape from what you see but this anger and betrayal keeps you locked in on this scene of the loveliest treachery you move on instinct and break through the small window and land on the floor in the room the culpable couple cease their love and scream you rise from the floor and swing out the dagger from your small bag, you tackle the unknown lover you hold them down and threaten the blade at their throat but you see how beautiful they are and how afraid … you release them as the tears streak down your cheeks turn to your once known lover standing against the wall they begin speaking fast nonsensical things you stand and face them you look at them, the lover, in disgust and you jump with all of your strength and sink the dagger into your ex lover’s chest
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*** open your heart let it bleed down your chest and the stream of red run down your arms, stomach, and legs learn [again] not to trust anyone the wound is too deep and you are already far too gone
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clock i sing for everyone i move one motion at a time i click and clack between the numbers yet i know that i will not prevail i sing for everyone but they all will reach a point of where they will never hear my song, they will never see my arms move from one place to the next because once i stop ticking and tacking their time is up as well as mine years will become months months to weeks and yet weeks will be broken into days the days will no longer stretch but they will be shortened to hours and hours will be shattered into merely seconds and seconds tick by faster than you could count it is my job to track time
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but eventually i will lose too time has become nothing to me though it is precious to you it was all i cared about, all i focused on and everything i devoted my time to
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III. Loss
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how i died i’ve heard that freckles, birthmarks, and moles show how you were killed in your past lives i have a few freckles speckled across my arms, shoulders, and face (really only evident after hours spent in the sun) i don’t know what that means i have a large freckle on the back side of my right arm, not huge, but clearly there [i wonder was it a poison dart?] i have other freckles that scatter across my back [take note of the constellations maybe then you will have your answer] map them, create a chart, trace them as if i could ever be a work of art the next contestant is very small on my left-hand middle finger [maybe it is there to show me that that’s the one to raise] another freckle, its light brown, coordinates show its location right beneath my nose and to the right (your left) [i honestly have no guesses] the last two worth noting are dark brown and large (though i wouldn’t describe them as tall, dark, and handsome) both behind me one on my back and the other my neck (it likes to hide at the bottom of my hairline) the one on my back rests on my right shoulder blade [see, these are the ones
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that were my previous fatal blows i’m convinced that the mole on my back was a gunshot wound, the one on my neck a crack from a baton. what would you say if i told you… i had my hands up?]
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Snowflake You raise us with participation ribbons give them out like candy at a fourth of july parade We collect so many We eventually realize they mean nothing... You cheer us on at Our games, every event encourage Us so one day You can turn Your cheers into angry shouts and screams
Well, life isn’t like that, you won’t get a ribbon just for trying! Young people have everything these days, not to mention the technology. They expect to be served on a silver platter. Snowflake!
We never asked to be given those ribbons We didn’t want glory or fame We wanted Your approval so, We collected those ribbons set trophies and medals high on the shelves (polished them weekly)
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Silver and Gold only because You taught Us that [dare I say it?] bronze is the award for the second place loser You spit in Our faces now when You order McDonalds or shop at Walmart. Our bodies and minds so numb from the years of depression and suicidal thoughts that You are just another Domino on the table… Who knows what will become of us when the last one falls? You left the world in ruins all the pieces of the puzzle now Our job to pick up but on a wage of $7.25 We can’t afford to buy the box with the picture that we are supposed to be
don’t get Me started on climate change or the embarrassing political hell fire that was the year of 2020
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the year that We truly saw who You were You praised and worshipped a man that was filled with anger, ignorance, and hate You would follow his every order and believe in him a new god that told You it was okay to wear white hoods over Your head and to fly the flag the more flags the better! fly that red, white, & blue! light the cross on fire and then pray and thank god on sunday morning
thank god for Your freedom and for
Your country and goddamn anyone who won’t raise their hands [to the man you see god in] [when an officer screams and raises a gun]
if a group of snowflakes won’t comply immediatelyreach for Your trump card!
~ firearms ~
(aka Your god given birthright to shoot someone down for not obeying and believing as You)
storm the capital because fuck the government!
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but do it in the name of him for ‘merica!
this is the world You left Us, You gave Us, You made Us.
You created this america so We will throw away Our ribbons, trophies, and medals We will stand up and fight back You always taught Us to do what is right so here We are
taking time off of work to stand in the streets with signs (We also wear masks to keep our neighbors safe) We fight against racism, sexism, misogyny, homophobia, hate, and powers that try to keep us in a cookie cutter form
but, and hear me out, didn’t You raise Us
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on films and novels that showed young people defeating oppression? fighting back? Katniss destroyed the government and led a revolution Tris showed us that you can be more than just one thing You gave us young and empowered people that took the power on and took them down…
I guess my real question is why are You so surprised that We are fighting back?
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The Room i guess i should’ve known that it was getting bad again when i looked at my room i knew i’d been happy for too long something was bound to creep back in how does my passion and energy die so quickly? the room becomes scattered, laundry piles up for weeks in a row, the desk is cluttered, i don’t remember the color of the carpet on the floor, random clothes and things pile up in the corner and on the chair, (everyone has a ‘chair’) i haven’t washed the sheets or made the bed in… i don’t remember i keep forgetting things I told you that yesterday. You forgot again? Did you remember ___? I already said that. wait, whose birthday was today? shit i forgot the plants are dying because i don’t have enough energy to water them my head hurts, my eyes are so tired but sleep never comes (when it does it’s too much) i’m hot, i’m cold, the plants need heat… need water have i drank water today? yesterday? probably not tomorrow either. don’t even ask if i’ve had food the christmas decorations are still up (i’m not that type of person), i bought valentines day lights but i still haven’t put them up because i can’t, i’m so tired i can’t move why do i keep sleeping? why do people still refuse to wear a mask? why is everyone dying? why are the plants dying? why is the world like this room?
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On Death and Poetry “Very unique experiences combined with universal knowing” - Victoria Chang poetry and death go hand in hand the one thing we know in life is that we will die it is the single universal knowing that we all carry or choose to ignore with life comes death and the / knowing / that somehow, someway life ends
(or finds a way)
poetry begins with no clear beginning or end in mind / you start writing and oftentimes / there is no final ending / in sight / until / you get there just like life / you start in the unknown / with writing you have agency and control over that piece of the world / there will be plenty of time for people to judge you
( later )
life begins with no instructions and no clear end this reminder is what inspires us to write and to create
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Looking for god a flower is a flower until it is something less until it is something more it grows from nothing but the smallest seed the flower, with the proper care, will bloom it will grow it will stretch weed bud
&
vine
crack
face the sun as if it were looking for god the flower is in search of its creator its whole life but the only creator to be found is you you aren’t god you know it isn’t true but the flower still is looking and searching for him all while it’s you you who pulls the weeds and clips off the dead it is you who waters feeds pots & defends from the frost it looks for a god but it is only you yet the flower looks past you, around you, through you you’ve done all you can to let that flower know it has always been you that has been there in love
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Decaying Plants working at a retail department store in the garden center i care for all different types of plants desert tropical house perennial annual shrubs trees the warm and cool colors contrast in such a pleasant way i love this, i love being around and caring for things that are alive rather than throwing food in styrofoam containers, into plastic bags, and out the drive thru window the different shades of green so vibrant, flowers and plants coming in on carts and put onto tables vibrancy so bold and explosive buds cracking and blooms bursting from stalks orchids of blues, greens, pinks, purples, and yellows with mouths like dragons, bromeliads, of at least 11 different types, with tropical colors like reds, yellows, and such brilliant oranges so soft and pleasing to my once emotionless, dull eyes bonsai trees, succulents of all types and colors, cacti of all breeds and shapes with thorns, protruding from their surface, tropical palms spread their arms out wide and reach toward the fluorescent lights as if it were the sun up in the atmosphere, as if the air in the greenhouse, in the building, was the baby blue sky aloe that puts the color forest green to shame but the aloe, cacti, and succulents have a dark side
when these three types of plants start to die from being overwatered, neglected when i wasn’t on the clock for the few days i get off each week i come back to find them as if it were the apocalypse and i had to run off for a few days to find medicine to try to cure the illness i fight the zombies and risk my life, only to return to see that the process of death already made the small plants succumb
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they each have collected ghastly flies, gnats that fester at my arms reach gathering in the pot and feasting off the dastardly goo that was once a sturdy and proud form the gel and goop that secretes out of the molded, mushy body warps and flops when i pick up the small plant the gnats shoot around and fly at my face, towards my nostrils and my eyes i swat and shoo hold the deceased at arms length the scent of death and decay rises into the air i gag and and shift only to realize that my right thumb has gone right through the plant it morphs to the shape of my finger on my hand and is cold, moist, and feels like a gooey jelly i cringe and gasp for clean air i gag, dry heave searching for relief my vision blurs as i look down at my hand the rotting plant has taken over, crawls up and wraps around my arm
i throw the plant into the trash can
it is too late im infected one of them skin starts to decay, rot in front of my eyes i turn to look in the small mirror at the desk my eyes yellow and face sags and turns into the dark green, yellow, and gray of the decaying plant i am not human any more I’m decay I am a Zombie
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It’s a beautiful day, but i'm tired I’m tired of everything The world is in shambles A mass shooter could’ve taken my fathers life this weekend I‘ve thought more than three times of dropping out of college before I graduate (just this week) I’m tired of the shootings I’m tired of the police killings, senseless hate I’m tired of the violence I’m tired of keeping track of assignments while trying to work a part time job I’m tired of commuting to here and there I am tired The day is so bright, only five small clouds in the sky The sky so blue that the green of the earth shines vibrantly beneath Trees are budding and blooming as birds make their spring nests Temperatures so perfect that I want to be doing literally anything besides this This year, this pandemic has led me to hate school (something I’ve never felt in my life) I feel like I can’t graduate (only 2 weeks left… that seems to fit I make it all the way to the end, then come just short of it all, good enough to almost make it but never great enough to do so) I am tired... Physically Mentally Emotionally Spiritually Any and every way a person can be tired (that’s how I feel) I am tired of it all, of everything I’m tired of no breaks I can’t take it anymore It’s getting bad again I don’t like being at home When will I have a real home? Why can’t I tell them? I am about to explode. A hawk flies by and circles around the sky I’m tired, I wonder if the hawk is too Maybe not...maybe the hawk, the earth, nature (mother earth) Maybe she is thriving now that humans have been knocked down, forced to hide out I love that world is so beautiful, that is exactly what makes me want to leave
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I want to travel I want to adventure
but
I’m always busy, always tired
Are you tired? I’m always tired. Why are you tired? I’m tired. I have a serious health condition, what do you have to be tired about? [I don’t speak] I’m starting to hate it here. I’m tired. I don’t know if I hate my house because it isn’t a home anymore or if I’m just more angry now, I just know I hate being there. I’m tired of spending money on things that bring me joy only to watch them sit and wither away...turn into how I think I look like, how I feel. I’m tired of it all. I don’t know what to do after graduation. I don’t want to work retail the rest of my life. I want a break, I need a break. I just want to feel alive, I want to live. I feel stuck, so trapped. So unloved… So very loved Conflicted Confused
In...
s h a m b l e s
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IV. Nature
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Craving out of need or boredom? it must be need you think about it day and night the texture, so smooth the taste, so rich it knows you as if it is the lord you can hear it call you by name _______. addicted you know you can’t deny it it calls you and you have to have it no matter the cost. willing to go anywhere, pay the price … you will and you do. crave it taste it feel it smell it see it
hear it
unwrap it lift the tab open it how do you feel once you have it? relaxed and at peace you finally have it it is all yours and the best part is you don’t have to share
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Big Blue River skin absorbing the heavy rays of sun heat and humidity attempt to hinder peaceful breathing the pickup squeaks and trembles with every hole and crack in the road windows down the wind whips through your long locks of gold swimming trunks and sports bras only, and a whole tube of sunscreen stop the truck, time to unload release the straps covering the bed of the truck heave out the plastic diamonds together, pick two up at once show those men over there you don’t need them, you don’t want them grab the water bottles and the bag the oars are already in the kayak go under the tree line and set the boats into the water, jump in push off hear the gentle rift against the movement and the water birds chirp sweetly as insects buzz like small motor planes flying past take the oar in both hands and paddle, from side to side under the bridge and through the rocky course finally reach the slow calm stream wind through the river, the one known so well taken so many times, an expert in the field by now there are more people out today than normal pass them by quickly, silently gloat in confidence curve further and further through the stream memorize where the big boulders are from last time so the kayak doesn’t get stuck, no getting out and walking the trees so dark and green the Camp’s soldiers would stand out sky so blue and light, get lost in the vast openness around the white puffy clouds the small ripples in the water, provided by the wind, brings up a soft mist against glowing skin this scene of nature so beautiful it makes one want to believe in god in a god that wasn’t known before, because the last one didn’t work out too well two dragonflies break through the swarm of gnats to land on the boat the two bodies gleam metallic green and blue, then show the world of two loves
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look at the future and see that love spread and multiply through this river path get to the sketchy part of the river, it has been done many times before don’t worry, just get through fast! paddle hard and paddle strong, know the way and where to avoid the water will carry you through the rapids, just steer away from the - Oh no! steer hard but the new fallen tree from last week's storm is a new obstacle it can’t be avoided along with the normal dead log to the left get stuck in between, so does the other kayak, the duo is stuck Look out! Here comes a family in a canoe! - CRACK! the first member of the pair is struck in the head with an oar blood spurts and travels down like a stream of water, the second is tossed out of the boat and submerged under water, attempt to swim back to the surface get slammed in the head by family in the canoe stuck in the rotating current hit against the log that has been stuck there forever, drown the first of the pair makes it to shore, sobbing and heaving Where is the second of the pair?! the second is pulled out of the water gasping for air and steadies on the kayak reunited at shore, share tears, care and calm the second down get water to wash off the blood, the pair hold on for a long time to get out of this nightmare the pair must get back in the boats, back into the water… never afraid until now, the pair push and paddle with strength that feels weak against the power of the waters might breathe, steady the pair get past the swirling current and into safe waters, the stream calm as it was before the incident occurred the pair shaken by what had happened only make it halfway through the normal journey down the river, reach the bridge near the saddle club row left to the shore in defeat, the pair help one another out and pull the kayaks on the sand, carry both kayaks together but this time there is no other choice once the truck is delivered by another party the pair load up the kayaks and this time the first one drives, the second one’s vision is blurred from bouncing off of the water, the canoe, and the log sit in the truck in silence, the tears have dried by now hold hands strong and tight, never let go because for the very first time,
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it feels real that
[the world]
is trying
to tear the pair
~ a p a r t. ~
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Geode Bulbous and rounded Lumps arise and combine And congeal in mounds On the surface As one moving thing But it remains stagnant until provoked Such hideous words to describe something So natural, evocative, and pure The outside smooth and heavy A weight that I was willing to bear Strike it, see the sparks light and ignite With each hit of contact on the outside surface Crack the surface and the inside is revealed Nothing has ever been so bright Sparkles and shines The outside was soft, dull, and plain The inside is enchanting, appealing But it is also more jagged and aggressive Than the surface above Is this the price we pay for beauty?
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Rays I hear water birds and wind washing over me like waves of warmth it spans the distance fills the space between Me and You Your eyes are home safety and light sometimes I swear that it is your gaze that warms the earth not the rays of the sun I hear the bees and wings of insects racing by rocks thumping and echoing down into the water I search for shells and fossils but I feel You looking at Me. look up. smile. go back. the green of the trees is bright and vibrant against the rushing stream there really is no other place in the world I’d rather be
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Abandoned Plants from Lowes care for broken things, nurse them back to health and life. still they give up, die.
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Lowes Lizard
2/14/21
One palm after another, I lifted, each branch would scrape and poke my face as I bent up and down shifting from one side to the other to take each pot off of the wooden pallet and set them onto the floor. Finally, I was done, at around elven in the morning, as I looked down at the almost empty pallet (that is to say it should have been completely empty) except for it wasn’t quite cleared yet. I saw you and stopped the tears before they could escape because I was sure that you had to be dead, or very near it. I lifted the pallet and let it drop to find that you were stunned and cold ; but
a l i v e .
Being the empath and animal lover has put me in situations like this before but I’ve never stopped myself, I am not about to stop now. I rescued you, this miniscule reptile of six centimeters long, kept you safe and warm as best I could until I could care for you and take you home. Funny that a lizard like you would find yourself in the Midwest at a time like this, the biggest snow storm we’ve had since 2013 (many areas got three feet of snow and maybe even more, the coldest it has been all year and yet there you were). At the end of my shift I took you home, I spent too much money very quickly to make sure you were in the correct environment; I’ve never cared for a reptile before. I had a few people to go to and I am thankful for that, but despite their expert advice and opinions I couldn’t shake the feeling that you would escape or die in the night. It hasn’t happened yet, but I’ve only been caring for you for what? A week?
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Isn’t it strange how the world works? I’ve been wanting a lizard for quite some time, but my mother would never allow it in her home. Well, I texted her before heading home because I knew it was better to give her a warning rather than appear with a lizard in my hands and a tank waiting at the front door. I brought you in and set up the heat lamp and tank, I searched and asked and searched again because I wanted to get it right and keep you safe, keep you alive despite all of the things going on in the world and happening around me. My parental instincts kicked in and all I knew was that it was my new mission and purpose to protect you and make sure that you were happy and safe. Through countless experiences like this I have learned that I have a fatal flaw. This urgent obligation to rescue something that is in need over my own well being it is just the one thing that I can’t stop. Were you a valentine's day gift from the earth? Because this feels like love to me.
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Primal when I was young everyone would say how much I looked like You / now that I am grown they say I look like mom / I don’t know if they think that because I actually do or if because they think I’m a -- woman / it’s Our personality that is similar / Our eyes / Our laugh it’s genetics / DNA / is it how We share the primal urge to find a woman to love / to touch / consume / the way We mirror a bear -use the edge of a doorway to scratch Your back
(the moment i realized how much i was like you) like the bear in the tall redwood / forest
climbing, hunting, foraging, scratching, sleeping I guess it is true how much I am like you / it’s in Our blood / I rely on my senses / I used to mirror what you do
through this evolution I have surpassed both who You are and used to be I am the new species / even Darwin couldn’t have ‘discovered’ / devote Your life and believe in a religion that has cursed me / for following my instincts I know what it is to be one with nature -- I am natural / it’s primal
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Strawberry versatile liked by many sweet & tart fresh bountiful & plenty growing in a field, a hanging pot, or in a garden either way it still grows green with leaves like hearts vines winding and twirling down soft summer breeze warm and invigorating I see myself in that small strawberry it begins green and lush & flowers into beautiful white petals yellow in the middle the flower then evolves into a small green pear shape leaves sprouting all around it like a crown given by mother nature the leaves grow smaller as the strawberry forms and gets larger seeds fill and create the small pores of the fruit round, narrow, white, green, yellow, and red if a strawberry is this loved, this beautiful, an evolution of life like this… Why are you not as loved? As beautiful? As purposeful? As needed by the world?
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V.
Identity
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I Am
hiding learning growing loving standing changing adventuring developing thinking watching wondering rising laughing speaking reading fighting sharing creating doing changing brave
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Hair Style
2021 -
For Toni
i saw you permed your hair i’ve been thinking about getting one too i haven’t seen you in over a year, the pandemic has hurt me in more ways than one, i see that now in high school when you cut your hair someone asked me if you were gay i got defensive, out of anger i thought i needed to protect you i realize now i was reacting as if it was me under attack (defensive, in denial, in the closet, hiding who i was)
No! She isn’t gay! She just cut her hair. That doesn’t mean she is gay.
but i knew that you were. back then i was already fed up with stereotypes i felt the need to protect you [like i have always needed to protect myself]
remember back freshman year at marching band camp, in the gym we were playing basketball on our lunch break
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we were talking and that is when you told me i was so proud of you and I held you close, i knew how hard it must have been for you (because of who I was back then, extremely religious and my mind narrow at the time)
i cried and thanked you for telling me [I wonder now what reaction you were expecting from me] that moment healed both of us in different ways you showed me what it was to be true, to be brave i was struggling with hate and pain from myself i’ve never been able to thank you for that day
i owe the beginning of my transformation to you i am becoming a better version of myself because of that moment
Thank you
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I am Neither I used to be so attached to my masculinity that it became toxic / I hated anything and everything society deemed to be feminine or ‘girly’ makeup was strictly forbidden in my mind, the color pink was the worst of them all / dolls were for ‘babies’ because I was too tomboyish to find a balance between the things that I loved. I refused to ever do my nails / let alone take care of my hair or physical well being / I wanted to be strong, sporty, fast, tough, and cool but I grew up in a society that taught me that if I wanted to be all of those things the only answer was / I had to defy femininity / and what did that leave? Toxic Masculinity. I learned that I should just enjoy my life and not care about the judgement of others / when I was young I pressured myself to fit this mold / the binary / and when I was told I could only be one or the other I wanted to choose something that I wasn’t because it was better than being what I am. I have felt like both but also like / Neither / I am not a cookie cutter mold that you can fit into the norm. I am not she nor am I he because I am me and I am free from these chains that my family and society tried to fit me to be / I am no longer hurting inside / tormented between choosing who I am and what is expected of me. I am who I want to be because I control what I love and do. society and family can’t tell me what I am / just because I like makeup, gardening, flowers, and baking doesn’t mean I am a girl / just because I like to play sports, go hiking, and working outdoors doesn’t mean I am a boy / I am me and no one can tell me who I am supposed to be. no matter how I dress, what I do, what my hobbies are, or my career / none of these things can indicate to you who I am. my body has never matched how I feel or what goes on in my mind / you can’t define me by what you think I am or ‘look like’. I am not one or the other / but nor am I both. I am masculine and feminine. I am soft and strong. I am caring and skillful. I am beautiful and independent. I am gentle and tough. I am not one or the other and I am not just one thing. I am Neither.
/
I am Non-binary.
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Notes 1. “First Memory” is a poem about the first time that I met my partner freshman year of college. 2. “Peace 10/22/20” was written during the COVID-19 world pandemic and focuses on the first time I felt peace after ten months of working during the pandemic while also working on my undergraduate degree. I explore my feelings of slowing down everyday life and focusing on my partner as well as the world. 3. ‘Valentines Chocolates” is a sonnet that was inspired by my first cardboard heart box of chocolates on Valentines Day from my Father. 4. “[Moments]” is a poem that was created to express physical love and the importance of physical touch. I showcase vulnerability and give and take in a relationship through the narrator describing a relationship with a partner. 5. “Lets Fly Under the Stars!” was based on a true event and is meant to capture the childlike innocence and mind set that snow sledding brings to people. It is focused on two lovers who set out to relive small childhood moments together. 6. “Freckles” is a sensual poem between the narrator and their lover and how the couple must still hide from their families. 7. “Body of Mine” is a poem based on my relationship and how loving someone else and allowing her to love me has begun my journey and self discovery of love for my own body and self. 8. “No one else could know how I feel when I’m” is a poem about nature and love. 9. “Storytelling” is a tanka poem about lovers sharing stories. 10. “The Death of the Three Bananas” is an obituary poem inspired by Victoria Chang’s poetry collection OBIT. It personifies three bananas and explains their deaths. 11. “Kettle” is a concrete poem that expresses my love for tea and what it means to me and makes me think of.
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12. “Betrayal” is a narrative poem that combines fiction and fantasy. Filled with adventure, love, hope, pain, violence, and loss. Taylor Swift’s song “Willow” inspired this poem, I listened to the song and created a story based off of one of the lines as well as included it in the poem. 13. “clock” is a poem about time and the personification of a clock. 14. “how i died” was inspired by the belief that birthmarks tell where one was killed in their previous lives. 15. “Snowflake” was written at a point of anger for me. It expresses frustration, expectations, and shows strength. 16. “The Room” was a poem created in a state of mental distress. It is about struggling with mental health issues and how certain environments become toxic. It also touches on the events of 2020 and the COVID-19 world pandemic. 17. “On Death and Poetry” was a poem inspired by an interview with author Victoria Chang. 18. “Looking for god” was written as a poem that touches on the idea of how many people give credit to a god rather than crediting and thanking the people around them. 19. “Decaying Plants” is a poem that was inspired by a retail job that I worked in the garden section. The idea of comparing these dead plants to zombies was stemmed from Roxane Gay’s short story “There is no ‘E’ in Zombi Which Means There Can Be No You Or We” from the collection ayiti. 20. “It’s a beautiful day, but I’m tired” was written as a thought dump of emotions and events. I wanted to release these things from my mind and my life and transform them into something that could be relatable for many, especially those going through stressful times. Many of the events described were true events from the years 2020-2021. 21. “Craving” is a poem written to be interpreted by readers to apply to their own cravings in life. It can be read in different ways and be focused on whatever comes to mine for readers. 22. “Big Blue River” is a second person poem based on a real event in my life. It is also symbolic of how the world often is difficult for queer couples.
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23. “Geode” is a poem that focuses on geodes. I attempted to give contrasting images of the outside versus the inside of a geode and I used language that many people would describe as ugly or unappealing. 24. “Rays” was inspired by imagery of nature and is a narrator describing their lover. 25. “Abandoned Plants from Lowes” is a haiku based off of a retail job I worked during undergraduate school and it focuses on loss. 26. “Lowes Lizard” is based on a true event, while working at Lowes I caught a brown anole lizard and kept it as a pet. I named her Little Foot from the series Land Before Time. The poem not only focuses on the event but also on love and relationships. 27. “Primal” was inspired by a strange quality that I share with my Dad. When we are at home we both will stand in a doorway and use the corners of the framing to scratch our backs. I realized it was me mirroring his actions since I was a child and is just a weird thing that stuck with me through life. This poem touches the themes of nature, family, religion, and also queerness. 28. “Strawberry” is a poem that uses fruit to describe one's beauty. 29. “I Am” is a poem that was written to describe me. It shows the growth and transformation I’ve gone through and the things I’ve overcome. 30. “Hair Style” is a poem dedicated to my high school friend that helped me understand queerness and encouraged me to explore my own identity. It also serves as a thank you letter and story all in one. The poem shows who I used to be and the internalized homophobia I struggled with during high school. I felt such a need to be defensive and reactive back then but this piece reveals how much character development and growing I’ve done in my life this far. 31. “I am Neither” is the most important piece to me from this collection. This poem truly is me sharing my self discovery of identity and the transformation I’ve gone through to get there.
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Acknowledgements I would like to thank Etchings Literary and Fine Arts Magazine for publishing “Freckles,” “How i died,” “Body of Mine,” and “Kettle.” I also need to thank my professors from the University of Indianapolis for inspiring, guiding, mentoring, and nurturing me as a writer. Special shoutouts to Rebecca McKanna, Liz Whiteacre, Barney Haney, Leah Milne, Molly Martin, Megan Bardolph, Kevin McKelvey, Dan Vice, and Rick Marshall. Thank you for educating me and opening my writing and reading opportunities as well as expanding my experiences and pushing me out of my comfort zone. Thank you to my friends and family for loving me and supporting me through all my endeavors and adventures. Especially Kim Owen and Hope Coleman, thank you for working with me and helping me create this collection.
I owe the biggest thanks to my best friend, and loving partner, McKenna Tetrick. Thank you for loving me and caring for me. For being my biggest support system and my number one fan. I will always be grateful for you and everything you do. You are my favorite author and creator, I’m your number one fan! Okay, maybe I am a little biased. Let’s go get Boba tea now. Make sure to read McKenna Tetrick’s debut collection, A Life Among American Gods, on Issuu.com.
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Thank you!
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