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Emotional Displacement Esther Han There are many moments in life when one wishes that one was anywhere but here. Most of us have been through a lot and pain is mostly relative, so for some it doesn’t take much to make it seem like the roof collapsed. Sometimes I have the ability to remember details that go far back and make me wonder why I am able to fish around in my memories in order to pick and choose how I feel about them. But there is strength in these memories that can overcome some of the most difficult moments. These are the memories, not in particular order. The first was one of the most beautiful moments in my life. I woke up around seven am and put on my makeup and a suit jacket with a puff skirt and listened to Norah Jones “Shoot the moon” all the way to work. The air was crisp and refreshing on that early spring day. I was in that moment happy, just happy. I had had some thyroid issues after college and my weight had gone up and down but that day, I was perfectly happy with my body as well. Then there was the night, my tenth date with Tyler, where he had arranged a night out in a fancy Chinese restaurant in downtown Chicago and when we were done with dinner, he had secretly arranged it so that we were on that block when the snow was falling and a boy was selling flowers, which Tyler pretended to buy them from him, (his best friend) and gave me a huge bouquet of roses. The Christmas snow seasoning the flowers with melting white flakes. On Lake Shore Drive, near the beach in Chicago there is a whole area where the tables are chess tables, and old men, during the summer go there to play chess with each other as well as those watching. I learned a bit of chess from one of my best friends during college and one day I went to that area and asked one of the men to play chess with me. The funniest thing he said was, “If I win you make love to me and if you win, I make love to you.” It was meant to be crass and funny from an old man from Russia playing on the beaches of Chicago. The girl I met at CVS was always calm and nice and willing to help with any questions. I would walk there, since at the time I didn’t have a car, and she always seemed content and happy with where she was, despite being a part-time cashier at CVS. It took me a long time to learn to be patient at a register, any register, and I remember her specifically because of how calm she was within her skin. She had light brown hair, glasses, and a cat. Then there was the day/night when Austin took me on a road trip through the city to a cider mill closer to Evanston. We ate at the Melting Pot and drank apple cider and ate cheesecake. He was particularly nice to me that night and I felt for once that we really did love each other. He was six feet tall and blonde. I still miss him when I see pictures that he had taken of me back then, pictures full of revere. While in Jamaica in one of those all-inclusive resorts, I was able to experience the ocean and made it all the way to Dunn Falls where one can climb up the falls. There were shows during the evenings around dinner time and dancing with the band while smelling the ocean breeze. Sean who kept me protected then, perhaps not later, was a fun travel partner at the time. Feeling self-conscious in that moment because of my weight, I didn’t dance with him one last dance, but that left it open for me to want to go back with someone else and dance without a care in the world. I will never forget the Fitzgerald Hotel in San Francisco where I stayed for 22 days while trying to finish the summer semester at the Academy of the Art Institute. It was there that I experienced such great freedom to be myself and draw without any distractions. The sheets were fresh every day and the décor had a nice vintage look with a dark green ceiling, salmon
