April 2020

VOLUME 37, #2 APRIL 2020

FREE!

COVID-19

Sanity Savers

Having a

y b a B INSIDE:

Blogs for Busy Parents Should Your Child Share A Bed With Your Pet?

The SPECIAL NEEDS Child - Pull Out and Save!

2 WNY Family April 2020

April 2020 • Volume 37 • Issue 2

EDITOR & PUBLISHER Michele Miller GENERAL MANAGER Paul Kline SALES REPRESENTATIVES Jennifer Staebell Paul Kline GRAPHIC DESIGNERS Karen Wawszczyk Melanie Schroeder CONTRIBUTORS Barbara Blackburn • Donna Phillips Patrick Hempfing • Deborah Williams Kathy Lundquist • Myrna Beth Haskell Mike Daugherty

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Where It’s At! Having a Baby!

Features: 6n

Before the Baby: Planning for Pregnancy

by Christa Melnyk Hines

8n

3 Tips from Veteran Moms on How to Make Your First Pregnancy Feel Like Your Second

by Pam Moore

10 n

8 Don’t Sweat It Tips for New Parents

by Sarah Lyons

12 n

“Fed Up” Campaign’s Mission Supports Safe Infant Feeding, Whether By Breast or Bottle

by Malia Jacobson

14 n

2020 Babies: Parents-to-Be Should Consider How Their Child Will Be Raised with Tech

16 n

Seven Priceless Tips for NICU Parents

by Sarah Lyons

18 n

One Parent’s Experience: A Personal Story of Loss…

And Hope

by Richard De Fino

24 n

Kid Stations: The One Tool You Need to Survive Extended Time at Home

by Sandi Haustein

26 n

10 Ways to Keep Your Kids Occupied & Keep Your Sanity

by Dolores Smyth

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Visit Our Web Site www.wnyfamilymagazine.com To Reach Us: Advertising Department advertising@wnyfamilymagazine.com Calendar Submissions calendar@wnyfamilymagazine.com Subscriptions subscriptions@wnyfamilymagazine.com Editorial Submissions michele@wnyfamilymagazine.com MAILING ADDRESS: 3147 Delaware Ave., Suite B Buffalo, NY 14217 Phone: (716) 836-3486 • Fax: (716) 836-3680 PRINTED BY: Commercial Printing Division The Post-Journal, Jamestown WE ARE AN AUDITED PUBLICATION CIRCULATION (copies printed): 20,000 © 2020 Western New York Family, Inc. All rights reserved. Reproduction in any form without permission is strictly prohibited. Inclusion of an advertisement does not constitute an endorsement by the publisher.

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27 n 15th Annual

THE SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD

A Special Pull-Out Section 68 n

The Family Pet

Regulars: 5 n Web Finds / What’s New In The Kid Biz 20 n Raising Digital Kids Blogs for Busy Parents

by Mike Daugherty 22 n Family Travel Hershey, PA

by Deborah Williams 50 n Dad & Daughter Discussions A Short Drive to Fifteen

by Patrick & J.L. Hempfing 51 n Parent Previews A Song of Names

by Kirsten Hawkes 52 n Dear Teacher

by Peggy Gisler & Marge Eberts 53 n Pick of the Literature

by Dr. Donna Phillips 64 n Tweens and Teens Teens Grapple with Divorce

by Myrna Beth Haskell 66 n Single Parenting High Conflict Families Spell Disaster for Kids

by Diane Dierks, LMFT 70 n The Kid Friendly Kitchen Easter Dishes

by Kathy Lundquist 71 n The Kiddie Gourmet El Toro Mexican Grill & Bar

by Barbara Blackburn

Directories: 49 n 54 n 63 n 71 n

Choosing Childcare Summer Camps Wellness Choices Let’s Party

You’ll find FREE courtesy copies of WNY Family at all Buffalo area Wegmans and 300 locations including Public Libraries, Doctors’ Offices, Child Care Centers and many of our advertisers.

(Look for us INSIDE Wegmans on the racks where newspapers are sold or at the service desk... but we’re still FREE...Copies are restocked twice a week, but they go fast!)

Find this entire issue online at www.wnyfamilymagazine.com April 2020 WNY Family 3

4 WNY Family April 2020

web.finds LOW ON TECH, HIGH ON FUN!

Under the current Coronavirus shutdown, every parent is going to need extra ideas with which to keep the kids busy. Here are some free printables that are relatively low tech — all you need is a computer or tablet connected to the internet and a printer — plus pencils, crayons or markers, scissors, and some makeshift game pieces, and you’re set for lots of fun without ever leaving home!

MOMS & MUNCHKINS

This site was started in 2011 to serve parents looking for activity and party planning inspiration. Full of FREE downloadable printables, it’s the perfect place to seek out fun ways to keep the kids busy while they are stuck at home.

Categories of printables include word searches, scavenger hunts, word scrambles, trivia, Bingo, crossword puzzles, and even charades. Check it out at: https://www.momsandmunchkins.ca/ free-printable-games/

AMAZING MAZES

Head over to The Spruce Crafts and check out their blog post about the best 13 places to find free, printable mazes for kids. Mazes range from the simplest to the complex. https://www.thesprucecrafts.com/freeprintable-mazes-for-kids-1357612

HIDDEN PICTURES

Another free source of fun can be found at Woo! Jr., where easy hidden pictures can occupy your child while challenging their minds. More complex hidden picture printables can be found at All Kids Network. https://www.woojr.com/easy-hidden-pictures-animalsprintable-activity-pages/ https://www.allkidsnetwork.com/hidden-pictures/

HIGHLIGHTS KIDS

Grandparents will remember growing up with the super popular kids’ magazine of the time Highlights. Now your kids can enjoy the modern Highlights Kids online. The site offers activities, jokes, games, and even podcasts plus a paid hidden pictures section with a 14-day free trial. https://www.highlightskids.com/

CONNECT THE DOTS

Another oldie but goodie to introduce to your kids are connect the dots printables. A long list – 57, in fact – of places to find free connect the dots printables can be found on The Spruce Crafts. Find the post with the list here: https://www.thesprucecrafts.com/connect-dots-worksheets-1357606

What’s New...

IN THE KIDBIZ PBS KIDS OFFERS FREE RESOURCES As schools across the country are closing due to coronavirus concerns and parents prepare to educate their children from home, PBS KIDS has created a FREE daily email newsletter with educational activities for parents of young children. These activities can help engage children in both learning and playtime during this uncertain time. Parents can sign up for the newsletter at http://public. pbs.org/PBSKIDSDaily

BABY’S JOYFUL JOURNEY Mary Marzinek has worked at Oishei Children’s Hospital as a pediatric registered nurse and international board certified lactation consultant.

Specializing in lactation for over 17 years, she has cared for more than 35,000 families in WNY. Her experience caring for babies spans 30 years as both a pediatric and neonatal nurse.

She recently started her own business, Baby’s Joyful Journey, specializing in Lactation, Newborn Care, and Postpartum Doula Services.

Mary is also an educator, having taught breastfeeding classes at Oishei Hospital and in the community at Destination Maternity. As a collaborative team member of the Baby Friendly Hospital Initiative at Oishei Hospital, she strived to enhance maternity care, promoting/supporting optimal breastfeeding practices.

As one of the core facilitators of the Baby Café at Oishei Hospital, she offered support for breastfeeding families in the community.

The mother of five grown children and two grandchildren, Mary can empathize with her clients, as she too has been through the parenting journey.

If you’re interested in breastfeeding classes, classes in newborn care, and care for the whole family as they bring a newborn home, you can learn more at www.babysjoyfuljourney. com or by contacting Mary Marzinek at 716-997-6927 or via email at winmarz@aol.com.

April 2020 WNY Family 5

can reduce your risk of preterm delivery and promote healthier outcomes,” says perinatologist Devika Maulik, M.D.

— by Christa Melnyk Hines

Attain a healthy weight.

Weight can affect your ability to conceive. According to WomensHealth.gov, women who are underweight may have irregular menstrual cycles, and their bodies may stop producing estrogen. Obesity can make it harder to get pregnant too.

Before the Baby:

“If you’re trying to get pregnant or thinking about getting pregnant, fertility greatly increases with just a five percent weight loss,” Talken says.

Being overweight can also increase the risk for pregnancy complications like preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, and preterm delivery. Ask your doctor for recommendations about how to achieve a healthy weight.

Planning for Pregnancy

N

ot everyone gets the benefit of planning for pregnancy.

But if you can plan, it can make a big difference in the health and wellbeing of both you and your future baby.

“The healthier you are going into pregnancy, the healthier your pregnancy is going to be,” says Dr. Sara Talken, obstetrician-gynecologist.

Ideally, six months prior to conception, start taking a prenatal vitamin, containing at least 400 mcg, available over-thecounter or with a prescription. A prenatal vitamin helps to prevent spina bifida and anencephaly, which are neural tube defects occurring in the first four weeks of pregnancy-usually before a woman even realizes she’s pregnant.

According to the CDC, if the neural tube (which later becomes the baby’s spiSchedule a preconception nal cord, spine, brain appointment. As and skull), doesn’t soon as you begin close properly, the thinking about startdeveloping brain and ing a family, schedule spinal cord is exposed a preconception apto amniotic fluid. pointment with your Spina bifida causes physician.

Discuss ♥ Bring a list of your paralysis, hydrocephyour lifestyle and questions/concerns and alus, and learning dischronic health condicurrent medications abilities. Anencephaly tions like high blood is fatal to an infant, ♥ Be transparent about your pressure, diabetes, often resulting in mislifestyle and past/current autoimmune disease, health issues (including carriage or death soon and mental health isSTDs) after birth. sues. Many health is♥ Ask when/how to stop sues, if not carefully “Studies also using birth control managed, can complishow that if you take cate a pregnancy. a prenatal vitamin at ♥ Include your partner (his least three months behealth history can affect Take a prefore pregnancy, you your pregnancy, too) natal vitamin.

Your Preconception Appointment

6 WNY Family April 2020

Eat from the rainbow. Get into the habit of integrating more wholesome foods into your diet. Keep meals wellrounded with healthy carbs, lean proteins, and a variety of colorful fruits and vegetables. A fish oil supplement could also help prevent preterm birth, Maulik says.

Avoid restrictive diets like Keto or other low carb diets, especially while pregnant.

“A baby that is deprived of carbohydrates, which are needed for adequate development, can actually grow smaller and not in a healthy way,” Maulik says.

Consider genetic testing. You and your partner may also wish to seek genetic counseling.

“If anything raises a red flag, then we can do genetic testing on the parents before they even conceive to see if anything that they’re concerned about is actually an issue,” Talken says.

A blood draw can determine if either of you are carriers for cystic fibrosis, spinal muscular atrophy, or fragile X disorders.

Of a certain age? While it may

not sound flattering, if you’ll deliver your baby in your mid-thirties or older, you’re considered “advanced maternal age.” You may wish to ask for more extensive genetic testing prior to pregnancy and consult with a perinatologist during

pregnancy for more detailed anatomy screening ultrasounds.

“We now have an amazing non-invasive prenatal test (NIPT), which is a simple blood draw taken as early as 10 to 11 weeks. It screens fetal DNA for trisomy 13, 18, 21 (Down syndrome) and also includes X’s and Y’s to determine gender if desired,” says Dr. Sharla Shipman, obstetrician-gynecologist.

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While these tests won’t change the outcome of any health issues or developmental delays, they can help you plan ahead.

“It is often a great relief for higher-risk patients when they are negative. For an abnormal result, we can get started early pairing a family with a good specialty doctor and support system for their baby’s challenges,” Shipman says.

Avoid exposure to toxins. If you smoke, vape, or abuse substances of any kind, now is the time to quit. As much as possible, avoid spending time in environments where you are exposed to second-hand smoke or other dangerous fumes.

If you live in an older neighborhood or home, ask your doctor for a blood test to check the levels of lead in your system.

“Lead can contribute to a lot of perinatal complications such as preeclampsia, which is like a hypertensive disorder in pregnancy,” Maulik says.

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Planning a babymoon? While many couples plan

babymoons when an expectant mother is in her second trimester as one last hurrah before the baby arrives, others may prefer to plan a fun getaway before conception. But, if you’re hoping to get pregnant in the near future, Shipman advises both partners steer clear of areas considered high risk for Zika.

According to the CDC, Zika is a virus spread by the bite of infected mosquito. Often, there are no symptoms of infection, and it can be sexually transmitted from a male partner. The virus can cause severe brain defects, including microcephaly, which stunts the development of a baby’s brain.

“Future moms and dads need to avoid travel to high-risk Zika areas for six months prior to trying for pregnancy,” Shipman says. “This is a frustrating new factor for patients who wanted to travel to Mexico or certain Caribbean locations prior to starting a family.”

Prioritize self-care. Strained relationships, demanding

careers and exhausting lifestyles could make it harder to get pregnant and can interfere with a relaxed, healthy pregnancy and postpartum period. Manage stress through regular exercise, meditation, deep breathing and time with friends. If you continue to struggle, seek guidance from your physician, a licensed counselor, or other trusted resources.

“When we empower ourselves to make good choices, we start to see ourselves as strong and become less willing to allow stressful situations and people in our lives,” Shipman says. “I believe that ‘empowerment decision’ is a natural transition to becoming parents because we begin to see ourselves as moms and protectors.”

Christa Melnyk Hines is a nationally published freelance writer and a mom of two active sons and a quirky mutt.

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How to Make Your First Pregnancy Feel Like Your Second

T

he night before I found out I was pregnant with my first child, my biggest concern was finding an amazing restaurant where my husband and could go to celebrate our anniversary during a weekend away.

We found the perfect restaurant, where I enjoyed way too much wine... At least it was organic. (I think.)

The next day, I peed on that fateful stick.

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At the airport, instead of paging through Real Simple, I scrolled BabyCenter and nearly spit out the sushi I’d been devouring. I shuddered to think what other pregnancy laws I’d unknowingly violated over the past 24 hours.

I also needed to know: Which fruit did my baby most resemble, five weeks, two days, and 17 hours into my pregnancy?

Two years later, while my toddler sat on the bathroom floor with a board book, an expired pregnancy test I found at the back of the linen closet revealed a faint plus sign. I waited until my daughter was asleep that night to hit the supermarket for a fresh test. I couldn’t muster the strength to take her to the store for one lousy item. That night, I fell into a dreamless sleep. Between pregnancy and toddler-wrangling, I didn’t care if I was carrying a peanut, a kumquat, or a

glazed donut.

In hindsight, I wish I could have saved the energy I spent trying to have a perfect pregnancy that first time for other things — like taking my two children, now three and five-years-old, to the supermarket.

It turns out, I’m not the only one who would do things differently the first time around if given the chance. I talked to a number of women to get their best tips for making your first pregnancy feel like your second.

1) Chill out Like many, Illinois mom Elizabeth Waterstraat grew more laid back with each subsequent pregnancy. She summarizes her three pregnancies in simple terms. “First: No coffee, no wine. Second: Some coffee, no wine. Third: Daily coffee, some wine.” Allison Schwartz is a Colorado mom who also steadily increased her coffee consumption with each of her pregnancies, noting, “By pregnancy number four [cutting out coffee] was not an option.”

During the first pregnancy, there are no kids at our feet distracting us from trying to make sure our little bump is becoming the perfect baby. Joy Jackson, a Colorado mom of three, says if she could go back in time twelve years when

she was pregnant with her first, she’d put down her copy of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” Experience teaches us we don’t have as much control as we’d like to believe. Says Waterstraat, “[Babies] will come out the way they want to come out. Not much you do will influence that, so relax, let go of ‘plans,’ and enjoy the journey.”

2) Enjoy It Despite the exhaustion of pregnancy plus toddler-wrangling, Caitlin Hardy enjoyed her second pregnancy fully, knowing her fatigue would only intensify once her baby came. Of her second pregnancy, the Colorado mom says, “I didn’t have time to stop and think about how I felt or to complain about the exhaustion, backache, or sore boobs.” Instead, she focused on the experiences she’d have less, if any, time for once her newborn arrived. “I went out to dinner more, hung out with girlfriends more, did prenatal yoga every Sunday, ran around at the bike park with my toddler, nabbed every date I could go on with my husband.”

For Morgan McGarvey, a Colorado mom of a toddler and a newborn, enjoying her second pregnancy meant doing less, not more. “I gave myself MANY passes.” With her first pregnancy, she strictly avoided the prescribed dietary no-no’s, went to “every possible class” and had her nursery decorated well before her due date. With her second, she skipped the classes, enjoyed some brie cheese, and held off on buying anything for the nursery until after her baby arrived. “Both kids are totally healthy and each pregnancy was completely different,” says McGarvey.

3) Everything In Moderation Many women regret taking the idea of eating for two and getting plenty of rest a little too seriously the first time around.

Laura Kurian, a New Jersey mom of three, wishes she’d forced herself to exercise more during her first pregnancy. A dedicated athlete who enjoys running and triathlon, Kurian says she was glad she only made that mistake once. “I was miserable during my first pregnancy. The second and third were so much better!”

Colorado mom Karli Sherwinter also says she wishes she’d had a better prenatal exercise regimen. Only years later, she realized her chronic knee pain stemmed from hip weakness caused by her pregnancies.

Allison Schwartz is a Colorado mom who says she gained much more weight than was necessary during her first pregnancy. “It took me a full year and a triathlon to get the weight off.”

During her subsequent three pregnancies, she found it easier to eat more reasonably and exercise more, considering she was busy chasing young children around.

Any mom will tell you, you can’t recreate the novelty (or the neurosis) of your first pregnancy… and that’s okay. Massachusetts mom Liz Willey says she felt guilty about paying so much more attention to her first pregnancy versus the second.

“But in the end,” says Willey, whose sons are one and four, “I shouldn’t have worried. They are both nutty, happy boys!”

This article was originally published on Parent Co. Pam Moore helps women push through fear to become their best selves. To get her free guide to crushing Impostor Syndrome visit pam-moore.com.

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— by Sarah Lyons

where family and friends can bring dinner during the first few days after the birth of your baby. This will eliminate the need to shop and cook when you are recovering.

Spoiling Baby

When I first became a mom I was warned that I shouldn’t hold my newborn too much or while he was sleeping because it might “spoil” him, and then he would never sleep in his own bed or let me put him down for a few minutes. This is simply not true. There is no such thing as a spoiled baby. Newborns sleep most of the day and they find great comfort in being held. It also creates a strong bond between parent and child. There is no such thing as sleep training a newborn or spoiling a new baby. Enjoy as much cuddle time as you care to and let that worry go.

8 Don’t Sweat It Tips for New Parents

H

aving a baby is one of the most exciting and anticipated moments in a parent’s life. You have prepared the nursery, installed the car seat, read parenting books, and it’s time to bring your baby home and start life with a new family member. While having a new baby is a fun and exciting time, it can also be exhausting and overwhelming.

Adjusting to having an infant at home takes time and there are several things you don’t need to sweat as you figure out your new normal. What are some things that aren’t worth stressing over while you enjoy time with your new baby?

Housework

It’s nice to have a house that is neat and clean but the thing about housework is that it never goes away. Once you get the house clean, it’s messy again. While you enjoy your new baby, try to let some of the cleaning go. Do the bare minimum while you rest, recover, and recuperate from birth and snuggle your newborn.

Cooking

Immediately after bringing home baby is not the time to cook elaborate 10 WNY Family April 2020

meals, or sometimes, any meals at all.

However, you do need to eat regular and nutritious meals, so keep it simple. Stock the pantry with items that are quick and easy to eat while you care for the baby.

Wendy Haviland, mom of two, says “I prepared freezer meals before the baby was born so I had something to put in the oven or crock pot when I was tired from taking care of a newborn.” You can also ask friends to set up a meal train

Naptime

There is one old saying that is true — “Sleep when the baby is sleeping.”

This really is the best advice you will receive. As a person who likes to keep busy, I found it hard to allow myself to take naps during the day. Once the exhaustion of being up most of the night nursing my newborn hit me, I decided to give myself permission to take a nap when my baby does. Moms need rest and your body needs time to recuperate after the stress of giving birth.

Accept Help

It can be hard to accept help when you are used to doing everything yourself, but when you have a new baby at home any help offered

Do Keep Up With…

Your Health - You are a parent now. Take care of yourself and your health so you can take good care of your baby.

Meals - When you are tired and busy, it can be easy to skip meals. Nursing and recovering moms need to eat healthy and regular meals.

Rest and Recover - You may not be getting a lot of sleep but you still need downtime for your body to recover and recuperate.

Enjoy - Babies grow up fast, enjoy your little one while they are still little.

can be a huge blessing. Take people up on their offers to bring meals, help with older children’s carpool, or clean the house.

Don’t just have them do the easy, quick chores that aren’t difficult to keep up on — let them vacuum the house, do laundry, and wash dishes — which all seem to get behind quickly. While you have help, jump in the shower, take a nap, or run a much needed errand. People offer to help because they want to. You can always pay it forward when you find your new normal.

Take Turns

It can be hard, especially for breastfeeding moms, not to get overtired. As much as possible, share the task of caretaking with your partner. Some moms will find it hard to pass the baby care to their husbands, but dads often feel left out and want to jump in.

He may not do things exactly as you do but that’s okay. As long as baby is clean, fed, and happy then there isn’t anything to stress over. This will also give dad time to bond with baby as well.

Take A Break

Having a new baby can be physically and emotionally taxing. It is okay to admit you may need a break sometimes. If you are feeling overwhelmed, schedule a time your spouse or a friend can take care of the baby while you step out of the house for a short while. Breastfeeding moms may find it is hard to get away for extended periods but typically taking a break for an hour or two can do a lot to improve your mood.

Be Flexible

When you are adjusting to having a new baby, it’s important to realize it will take a while to find your routine again. When planning an outing, think ahead. Pack items you might need, including extra diapers, clothes for you and the baby, and be prepared to feed baby on the go if needed. It’s also important to accept that sometimes an outing will not go as well as planned and it’s okay to head home early. Be flexible and go easy on yourself when it comes to taking baby out for the first time and when trying to get things done around the house. This is normal and will get easier in time.

Adding a new family member is both exciting and disruptive to a family. In time, you will adjust to your newborn and won’t be able to imagine your family without them. In the meantime, give yourself, your spouse, and your other children time to adjust to this big change. It’s okay to let go of some of the things that take up your time and focus on baby.

Sarah Lyons is a Kansas freelance writer whose work has been published in Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine, KC Parent, Austin Family, Creative Child and over 140 other parenting publications.

April 2020 WNY Family 11

“Fed Up” Campaign’s Mission Supports Safe Infant Feeding, Whether By Breast or Bottle

W

hen it came to breastfeeding, Ashlee Todd’s son Lincoln was born ready. Within hours of his cesarean birth last December, the healthy 7-pound5-ounce newborn earned praise from nurses for his perfect latch. But after 36 hours of near-constant nursing, Todd’s milk hadn’t come in and Lincoln seemed restless and fussy. She asked for a formula to feed him, but her requests were brushed off, she says.

“At one point, a nurse told me I’d have to pump for 10 minutes before she’d give us any formula. It was like she was holding his food hostage.” By Lincoln’s third day of life, his weight had had dropped over 12 percent, a loss doctors deem “excessive” and one Todd says could have been prevented. “By the time we left the hospital, he was lethargic. He had essentially no food during those first days,” she says.

Helping new mothers like Todd nourish their newborns is the goal of Fed is Best, a new advocacy campaign created by a physician and a lactation consultant. Its supporters claim that gaps in education and support leave new parents without the information they need to feed their babies in the first weeks of life. In extreme cases, they say, this misinformation is putting vulnerable infants at risk.

The Rise of “Breast is Best” Launched in 2016 by emergency room physician Christie del Castillo-Hegyi, M.D. and board-certified lactation consultant Jody Segrave-Daly, R.N., Fed is Best’s mission is promoting safe breastfeeding and bottle-feeding support. They hope to counter a decadeslong “Breast is Best” push for exclusive breastfeeding that del Castillo-Hegyi says harmed her own infant son (See

Feeding Support For Every Family Whether your feeding plans include formula, your own breastmilk, donor milk, or a combination of all three, increase your chances of success with the right prep and support.  If you plan to breastfeed exclusively, be aware of the possibility of delayed milk production and make a plan for feeding your baby until breastmilk comes in.  Include your feeding preferences in your birth plan and talk to your provider, partner, and birth support team about your wishes.  During pregnancy, take a breastfeeding class in addition to a childbirth preparation class.  Ask your local hospital about ongoing breastfeeding support classes for new parents.

12 WNY Family April 2020

— by Malia Jacobson

https://bit.ly/38rD6J9) After breastfeeding rates dropped in the 80s, the World Health Organization (WHO) and UNICEF launched the Baby-Friendly Hospital Initiative (BFHI) in 1991 as part of a global effort to promote breastfeeding. Today, there are more than 500 Baby-Friendly facilities in the US and 20,000 globally, where hospital staff follow the BFHI’s “Ten Steps to Successful Breastfeeding.” The steps support early and frequent nursing by keeping moms and babies together as much as possible. Infant nurseries, pacifiers, and formula aren’t provided, except when medically necessary.

Since the BFHI rolled out, breastfeeding rates have climbed steadily, hitting an all-time high of 82.3 percent for babies born in 2015. Today the “Breast is Best” mantra still offers welcome encouragement for new parents who want to breastfeed, says Nancy Patel, a Seattle mom currently nursing her fifth child. “I liked knowing that ‘Breast is Best’ when I made sacrifices to pump for my daughter in daycare.”

“There’s an amazing array of literature supporting exclusive breastfeeding as the gold standard for infant nutrition,” says board-certified lactation consultant Sandy Salmon, R.N., nurse manager of Overlake Medical Center’s Mother Baby Unit. “Exclusive breastfeeding is backed by the WHO, Centers for Disease Control, American Academy of Pediatrics, Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine, and American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists as the best way to feed babies.”

Because breastfed infants get fewer ear infections, respiratory illnesses, and digestive problems like diarrhea, the WHO reports that increasing breastfeeding rates could save 800,000 infant lives each year. Breastfeeding benefits moms, too, providing some protection against breast and ovarian cancers.

When Breast Isn’t Best Though most mothers intend to breastfeed their newborns, recent childbirth trends mean more parents will share in Todd’s struggle. The rise in cesarean births and late pre-term births, both risk factors for delayed milk production, mean that more women who had hoped to breastfeed won’t have milk during their baby’s first days of life, says board-certified lactation consultant Kelsey Stevens, R.N., lactation program coordinator at Northwest Hospital & Medical Center.

“Mothers are led to believe that it’s rare not to produce enough milk for their baby. In fact, it’s not rare,” says Segrave-Daly. Studies show that 22 percent of moms who want to breastfeed experience delayed (more than three days postbirth) milk production after childbirth; rates jump to 44 percent for first-time mothers.

“Mothers only hear about the benefits of breastfeeding, but never the downsides,” says del Castillo-Hegyi.

For example: Compared to infants who get some formula, exclusively breastfed infants lose more weight during their first days of life and they’re more than twice as likely to be readmitted to the hospital after discharge.

Newborns who don’t get enough to eat risk dehydration, hypoglycemia (low blood sugar), and hyperbilirubinemia, elevated bilirubin levels that cause the yellowing of the eyes and skin known as jaundice, notes del Castillo-Hegyi.

Jaundice is common for newborns, but it’s slower to resolve in exclusively breastfed babies. The condition usually doesn’t cause long-term problems. But when babies experience both dehydracontinued on page 48 April 2020 WNY Family 13

2020 Babies:

Parents-to-Be Should Consider How Their Child Will Be Raised With Tech

60-minutes/), as well as warnings from the World Health Organization (https:// www.who.int/activities/making-listening-safe), supports these concerns.

“Parents receive confusing messages about children and tech,” said Jean Rogers, director of the Action Network.

“On the one hand, the tech industry uses buzz phrases like ‘digital natives’ and ‘21st Century Learning.’ Understandably, parents then become anxious that their children will be behind the curve.

What they don’t realize is that key developmental milestones are at stake when technology displaces tactile experiences and serve-and-return responses from loving adults.”

ASHA and the Action Network offer these recommendations for prospective and new parents:

N

early 4 million babies will be welcomed in 2020 to a world where technology is everywhere — and the effects of screen time still largely unknown. With so much angst and uncertainty about children and popular technology use, the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association (ASHA) and the Children’s Screen Time Action Network (“Action Network”) are encouraging prospective and new parents to talk screen time early, offering a checklist of tips to help families craft the best approach for them.

“Prospective parents often research and deliberate how they’ll approach various key aspects of child rearing before their little one is born — feeding, sleeping and child care arrangements among them,” said Mark Bertin, MD, developmental pediatrician and author of How Children Thrive. “Now that screens are so central to childhood, a family’s approach to tech use is one of those handful of key issues parents need to consider before or shortly after birth.

Unless parents make active choices that define healthy technology use for their family, it may impact their child’s communication and social development, and far more.”

“Technology offers many benefits to new parents — it connects them to family and friends, information, and ser14 WNY Family April 2020

Prioritize the Basics.

vices; can track feeding, sleeping, and other important data; and helps document all those precious early moments,” said Theresa Rodgers, MA, CCC-SLP, 2020 ASHA President.

“But it isn’t premature — at the very earliest stages of parenthood — to consider how you’ll want your child interacting with popular technology devices such as smartphones and tablets, nor how much you’ll want to utilize these devices yourself around your child,” Rodgers continued. “Many children today access devices before taking their first step or speaking their first word.

And, overwhelmingly, parents report their own tech use interferes with daily opportunities for talking, playing, and interacting with their child without distraction — activities that are critical to a child’s development.”

Audiologists and speech-language pathologists sounded the alarm in 2016 on a coming communication “time bomb” in the forms of impaired speech and language development as well as hearing loss if tech usage habits didn’t change. Recent research published in JAMA Pediatrics (https://jamanetwork. com/journals/jamapediatrics/article-abstract/2754101) and by the National Institutes of Health (https://www.cbsnews. com/news/groundbreaking-study-examines-effects-of-screen-time-on-kids-

In the first years of life, the best way to promote brain and communication development is through daily talking, reading, and interacting, see Communicating With Baby: Tips and Milestones From Birth to Age 5 (https://identifythesigns. org/communicating-with-baby-toolkit/).

Babies don’t need apps or devices. Think about how you will prioritize these exchanges, from day one.

Talk to Your Partner.

Some parents may find that their partner has a different view about technology use. Have this conversation as you would other important parenting topics.

At what age should we introduce technology? Are there times when we will ban or limit tech use (e.g., mealtime, bedtime, dedicated playtime)? How do you view different types of screens and technology (e.g., television vs. smartphones/tablets vs. voice assistants)?

Consider Baby’s Use — and Your Own. Although

children’s screen time gets the most attention, it is not the only consideration.

Potentially even more important is how parents will use technology while around their child. Are there habits you’d like to change once your baby is born?

Educate Yourself. Look for guidelines, information, and advice from trusted sources such as the American Academy of Pediatrics (find

its screen time guidelines at https:// www.aap.org/en-us/advocacy-andpolicy/aap-health-initiatives/Pages/ Media-and-Children.aspx).

Consider not only enforcing technology limitations but also educating yourself on developmental milestones.

Check out the live webinars and free resources at the Action Network for practical, easy-to-use tools. Seek help early if you have concerns about your child’s development, including their communication skills.

Conduct a Tech Audit. Having a baby can be a strong

motivator for reassessing the home environment — from babyproofing to reorganizing to renovating/relocating. It’s also a great time to consider whether the technology in your house aligns with your values around technology and children — consider, for instance, the presence of voice assistants or screens in particular rooms, such as baby’s bedroom.

Create a Family Technology Plan. Although tradition-

ally a recommendation for parents of

older children (elementary and beyond), a Family Technology Plan that outlines agreed-upon values, expectations, and rules/parameters can also be a tool for parents and caregivers of babies and toddlers — to get on the same page. As children get older, the media time calculator at the American Academy of Pediatrics (https://www.healthychildren.org/English/media/Pages/default.aspx) can help families achieve balance.

For more information, visit www. communicationandtech.org.

ASHA is the national professional, scientific, and credentialing association for 204,000 members and affiliates who are audiologists; speech-language pathologists; speech, language, and hearing scientists; audiology and speechlanguage pathology support personnel; and students. Audiologists specialize in preventing and assessing hearing and balance disorders as well as providing audiologic treatment, including hearing aids.

Speech-language pathologists identify, assess, and treat speech and language problems, including swallowing disorders. www.asha.org The Children’s Screen Time Action Network is a coalition of practitioners, educators, and advocates working to promote a healthy childhood by reducing the amount of time kids spend with digital devices. The Network is a project of Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood. https://screentimenetwork. org/

April 2020 WNY Family 15

time with your significant other and older children, and ask for help. “Tell your friends and family you’re struggling and you need support,” says Rachel. Many times, they want to help but they won’t know what to do unless you ask. Give them specific tasks that will make your life easier, like preparing a meal for your family or doing a load of laundry.

Document This Special Time

— by Sarah Lyons

Seven Priceless Tips for NICU Parents

P

arents do many things to prepare for the arrival of a new baby — decorating the nursery, buying a car seat and stroller, selecting a name, and so much more.

No matter how much preparation you do, the unexpected can happen. Due to a variety of reasons, you could find yourself in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) sitting by your newborn baby.

your child’s care. They are usually more than willing to teach you how to work around their medical equipment. “Once I began taking my son’s temps, changing diapers, and assisting with bathing, I felt so much more comfortable and less intimidated by the experience,” says NICU mom Rachel Watts.

When I found out I was expecting triplets, I was told it was highly likely they would spend time in the NICU due to premature birth. I had absolutely no idea how to prepare, the information was overwhelming, and the uncertainty was frightening. I have found the true experts are parents who have been through the experience. The information they share gives you a glimpse into what you can really expect during the NICU experience. Here are some of the most valuable tips.

“Don’t put a timeframe on how long you expect them to be there,” says Nikki Rhyme, mother of triplets born last year. The rule of thumb is that babies born prematurely will typically go home around their due date; however, this is not always the case. Jessica Craine, mom of twins, says “Anytime I was frustrated I had to sit back and realize that my boys have learned to breathe, suck, and swallow, which all happens before most kids are born.”

Get Involved When you visit your child in the NICU for the first time, it can be very intimidating. Your baby will be covered with wires and may look tiny and fragile. It is normal to feel nervous about caring for your child. Ask the NICU nurses how you can get involved in 16 WNY Family April 2020

Babies Progress at Their Own Pace

Take Care of Yourself When your child is in the NICU it is easy to be focused on their health above all else. Amidst all the struggles, we must not forget Mom just gave birth, often by emergency C-section and sometimes after weeks of bedrest. Take care of yourself during this time. Eat healthy meals, drink water, take breaks, spend

The NICU is a stressful place which makes it easy to forget to document the milestones your baby meets. “Record the true day of their first bath, when they wore clothes the first time, when they moved from an incubator to a crib… these are memories I will cherish forever!” says Jessica. “I wish I had more photos of this time,” says mother of triplets, Alex Tichet. Although it is hard to see your tiny baby fighting in the NICU, many parents cherish those photos because they are proof of how far their amazing and strong child has come.

Be Your Child’s Advocate “Remember they are your babies, and you have a voice in how things go. Don’t be afraid to ask questions.” says triplet mom, Michelle Glasser.

The doctors and nurses work hard to give your child the best possible care but the parent plays a big part in the care their child will receive. “Try to be present during rounds to get updates on the baby’s status and care,” says mom Courtney Harreld.

Some of the Things You See Will Be Heartbreaking “I wasn’t prepared for some of the things we saw and neither was my husband. We could see the doctors working on babies to save their lives. Incredibly heartbreaking.” says Jenna Mrnak, mother of triplets. It will be difficult to witness some of the things that go on in the NICU, as babies struggle to grow and thrive. It is best to take comfort in the knowledge that miracles happen there.

It Will End Eve Bernfeld, mother of three, says “A great piece of advice I got from my best friend who had also had a NICU baby — picture yourself and your baby a couple seasons in the future when you are doing something totally normal. This helped to remind me that things would be normal… someday.” Each day in the NICU seems like an eternity, but when your child comes home and the years go by, that time becomes a distant memory. “It seems like it is a never-ending experience regardless of if it’s 5 days or 5 months, but it will be a thing of the past before you know it,” says Jennifer Pena.

Our NICU experiences were one of the most difficult seasons my family has walked through. Even so, I find myself looking back on it fondly because I am more aware of how miraculous life is. It is a stressful place to be, but the NICU staff is there to do everything possible to get your baby well and home with their family.

Sarah Lyons is a proud mother of six who writes from her home in a suburb of Kansas City. The inspiration for this article comes from her experience in the NICU after the birth of her triplets, who are now healthy 5 year olds. This article was originally published in KC Baby Magazine.

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April 2020 WNY Family 17

I

“

’m going to be a father!”

I couldn’t believe it. I had been waiting for this day for so long. My wife, Andrea, had taken her first pregnancy test of that day on March 19 when the results on the stick read dark blue, indicating that we were going to be first-time parents.

On November 25th, 2019 I was scheduled to hold my baby for the first time and I couldn’t wait.

We had been trying to conceive for about 5 months at that point, so naturally, when we found out, we were overwhelmed with joy and spent the rest of the day laughing, crying, and planning our future with our soon-to-be new member of the family. I remember how proud I felt holding my wife as we stood in the kitchen, hovering over the pregnancy test. We were on our way to parenthood.

After the initial excitement died down and phone calls were made, we went completely baby crazy and committed ourselves to preparations, both big and small. Andrea arrived 15 minutes early to each doctor’s appointment, switched to organic fruits and vegetables, converted to decaffeinated coffee, and downloaded an App on her phone that allowed us to track the baby’s growth progress by receiving updates every Thursday morning.

Everything was right on track as the months passed by and Andrea’s belly started to grow. On April 10, we heard the heartbeat. On May 2, we found out the sex; a boy — we named him Louis.

On July 4th, I felt him kick for the first time, and on July 27th, Andrea wrote out the baby shower invitations and stacked them on the table to be mailed the following morning.

On the following morning, July 28th, our son Louis died.

Andrea woke me up at 3am on the 28th and said she was having terrible

mature. “Things change rapidly in the NICU, we have to take things minute by minute” the doctor explained.

About 20 minutes later, we got the update we knew was coming.

His vitals were dropping and he wasn’t getting enough oxygen despite having the breathing tube in. The doctor, with tears in his eyes, apologized to us and gave us our options on how to proceed. We elected to stop treatment so Louis could spend his final moments where he belonged, in the arms of his parents. At 22 weeks and 6 days, his lungs weren’t developed enough to breathe on his own. He wasn’t going to survive. We had to accept his fate. We had to accept the fact that our son was going to die and we would never get to see him grow up or even hear his cry. When the nurse brought him to us he was wrapped in a teal blanket made of yarn with a beanie to match.

For the next 90 minutes, we took turns holding him and then we held him together. We kissed his soft face and told him how much we loved him. All I could think about was how beautiful he was. He looked just like a full-term baby, only smaller. We looked for identifying features in his face that replicated ours. Tucked underneath his beanie were little blonde hairs, on his face were blonde eyebrows and eyelashes, just like his mother. Andrea pointed out that he had my nose. I said his face was heartshaped, like his mom. He was perfect.

We took a few pictures, said we love you, and apologized for not being able to keep him safe. We said the most painful goodbye of our lives and handed him back to the nurse. For hours and hours, we cried ourselves to sleep, nestled together in her hospital bed built for one; the same bed where Louis was just born.

There are no words to describe what it felt like losing my son and watching my wife lose her first child at birth. I

One Parent’s Experience:

A Personal Story of Loss... And Hope

18 WNY Family April 2020

— by Richard De Fino cramps and stomach pains. Not taking any chances, we called the emergency room and were told to come right in. By 3:30am she was in the maternity ward surrounded by nurses and hooked up to a Cardiotocography machine to track the baby’s heart rate and her contractions. By 4:30am her doctor arrived and there were talks of flying her to the University of Vermont Medical Center to utilize their NICU. At the time, we were living in the Adirondacks and they were the only hospital equipped to deal with a micro-preemie. The helicopter ride from New York to Vermont would only take 25 minutes, but she was already 4 centimeters dilated and was told that she would be giving birth that day. We couldn’t leave, especially with her contractions steadily increasing. At 5:39 am, Andrea gave birth to our son, Louis Augustus De Fino at 1 pound 4 ounces, 11.8 inches long and 17 weeks premature.

In our hospital room, there was an entire team of doctors and nurses working on his little body in the corner as we watched on in shock — they stabilized him as best they could and moved him into the NICU. Shortly after, a doctor we didn’t know came in and said he was part of the team working on Louis and, for the moment, Louis was hanging in there. We felt a glimmer of hope, despite the grave prognosis the doctors continually reminded us of when a baby is born so pre-

felt helpless. How do you keep yourself together after child loss? How do I stay strong for myself and my wife? The grieving process would not come easy for us and we would both lose hope for having more kids in the future. Over the next few weeks, we started to question life and God and cursed the universe. We were angry and unapologetic about it. In a depression that neither one of us had ever felt before, we did our best to stay strong for each other.

We were now proud parents of a beautiful baby boy who unfortunately left us too soon, but we didn’t want that to be the end of our story. A few months after we lost Louis, we went to see a Maternal-Fetal Medicine specialist in Vermont. The specialist couldn’t officially determine the reason why Andrea went into pre-term labor, but after ruling out the most common factors, they are leaning towards an incompetent cervix. Despite the diagnosis, the specialist gave us the green light to start trying for another baby. With that news, we desperately wanted to get back home to​Western New York. If we were going to have another baby, we had to be close to Oishei Children’s Hospital, as any subsequent pregnancies would be considered highrisk. Soon after, we happily packed up​ our home and headed back to Buffalo.

“Does this line look dark to you?”

On an early Monday morning, while visiting Andrea’s family for Christmas, she handed me a pregnancy test and asked me if I thought the line was dark enough to confirm a positive pregnancy. It was dark enough. We smiled and quietly hugged each other. We thought about Louis. We were going to be parents again.

Richard De Fino, a freelance writer by night, first became a father at age 34. After losing his first-born at birth, he was determined to keep his memory alive the best way he knew how; through words.

And with another baby on the way, he plans on capturing what it means to be a parent to a “rainbow baby​.” Richard and his wife, Andrea, now live in Western New York with their memories of Louis, and their dog Zeke, and two cats, Bebe and Georgie.

April 2020 WNY Family 19

RAISING DIGITAL KIDS — by Mike Daugherty

adoption to organizing your kid’s closet in the most effective way possible. The good news is that new content is posted every few days and there is always something new to read, even if it may not be exactly what you are looking for.

All in all, this site provides useful, well thought out information for parents.

Fatherly https://www.fatherly.com/

Blogs for Busy Parents

P

arenting in the digital age is challenging. It is difficult enough to keep track of my own life, not to mention the changing trends, devices, and websites that drive the desires of the younger generation.

Sometimes, I need quick suggestions on how to handle a situation, an idea for a party, or a few paragraphs about the most recent app that my fifth grader is talking about. I want bite-sized nuggets of concise information as opposed to lengthy, in-depth pieces. Life’s hectic schedule does not provide an opportunity for the average parent to comb through the noise of a thousand parenting blogs to find the best ones. This month we are looking at the blogs I have found to be most relevant to the daily challenge that is modern parenting.

Your Modern Family https://www.yourmodernfamily.com/ The first thing that jumps out about this blog is the author’s experience.

Becky Manfield is a mother of four who taught second grade before becoming a certified child development therapist.

The content you’ll find on this site is outstanding and up to date. The author typically posts new content every other day. The articles she posts cover a wide variety of topics, including seasonal cooking ideas, organizing for the home 20 WNY Family April 2020

and for traveling, and even marriage advice. Becky is also very active on the site as well. She replies to comments from her readers at the bottom of every post.

There is a money-making aspect of Your Modern Family. You’ll find downloadable kid’s activities, sight word posters, and homemaking guides that can be purchased under the Shop tab. The author makes readers aware that the shop exists, but she does not often encourage people to buy something.

The Mabelhood https://blog.mabelslabels.com/ Established in 2017, the site’s tagline is “The Mabelhood is every parent.

It’s about the daily struggle. The big emotions. The amazing rewards.” The Mablehood is an offshoot of the brand, Mabel’s Labels. They specialize in customizable labels for clothing, medicine bottles, sports gear, and more. Although the blog is connected to the brand, the content is not heavy in pushing its labeling product. This blog is made up of contributions from various staff members as well as guest bloggers. Using a multitude of authors is a fantastic way to provide readers with some unique perspectives on a variety of topics. Still, it can also make the site’s content feel a bit disorganized. For example, the columns range from an in-depth discussion on

The majority of parenting blogs are created and maintained by moms. Just from the name alone, you can tell this next site is different. Fatherly is a whole website dedicated to teaching men how to be the best dad they can be. Many of the topics covered are similar to the sort of information you’ll find on the other blogs (discipline, screen time, gift ideas, etc.). The difference here is that each topic is written from a man’s point of view.

For example, a recent piece on Hypnobirthing on Fatherly is titled “Is Hypnobirthing BS?!” instead of something like “The Truth About Hypnobirthing.” One of my favorite features is the GoodFather column. Patrick Coleman answers questions that have been submitted to the website from dads across the country. Think Dear Abby, if Abby had a full, well-manicured beard and wide breadth of knowledge on raising children in the 21st century. Fatherly also includes a free email newsletter that arrives in my inbox every day around 4:30pm. The email contains those bite-sized nuggets of information with links back to the site to take a more in-depth read. Every parent should check out what Fatherly has to offer.

Parenting for a Digital Future https://blogs.lse.ac.uk/parenting4 digitalfuture/ Parenting for a Digital Future takes a much more global, researched-based look at parenting than the other websites we’ve visited. The blog is based in the London School of Economics and Political Sciences. While the site doesn’t fit the mold of bite-sized information, the content was too good to overlook. The

editors and contributors are all doctors or doctoral students.

The result of all that brainpower is highly informative articles backed by research and sited directly in the text itself. One article I read examined children’s viewing habits in the age of ondemand media. Another looked at the role of media in socially disadvantaged families. While the topics may seem a bit cumbersome, Parenting for a Digital Future is an excellent resource for parents who want a more in-depth look at an issue they have only scratched the surface of.

These websites offer quick ideas or advice that you can read when you get a precious few moments to yourself, like when you are waiting to pick up your children from school, or from soccer practice, or scouts, etc. The websites I shared are intended to serve as sparks, not full-blown fires. Parents who want to dig deeper into a particular topic can do so, but those short, quick tips are a perfect way to stay informed without knowing all the precise details.

Mike Daugherty is a husband, father of three young children, author, speaker, Google Innovator, and possible Starbucks addict.

He is a certified educational technology leader who has served in a variety of roles through his eighteen-year career in public education. Currently, Mike is the Director of Technology for the Chagrin Falls Exempted Village School district in Northeast Ohio. As an IT director he has developed creative, well thought out solutions that positively impact teaching and learning.

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FAMILY TRAVEL — by Deborah Williams

for tours of the world’s largest chocolate factory because the crowds of sightseers had become overwhelming. The attraction has grown over the years.

Visitors travel like a cocoa bean on moving tour cars from a tropical “jungle” through the “factory,” in the all-new simulated tour ride that lets visitors experience how Hershey’s chocolate is made. It even ends with a free sample.

At tour’s end we are deposited at the large indoor emporium. Here are shops selling everything from Hershey Kissshaped hats, mugs, T-shirts, Christmas decorations, and books to what we were all there for — chocolate of every description.

The Town That Chocolate Built

C

hocolate. Is there any more beautiful word? Of course, I am a true chocoholic and there are few more delightful places on earth than Hershey, Pennsylvania the town that chocolate built.

Hershey, “The Sweetest Place on Earth,” seems made for families. Where else are streetlights along Chocolate Avenue in the shape of wrapped and unwrapped Hershey kisses? Or hotel guests receive Hershey bars upon check-in? Or visitors can get a chocolate massage in the spa? The beautiful, well maintained gardens smell like chocolate because cocoa shells are used as mulch.

The town is an easy day’s drive and boasts a multitude of attractions.

There are other amusement parks, but this is the only place where you will encounter a human-sized Reese’s candy bar or a Hershey’s kiss walking around offering handshakes and hugs. A hug from a Hershey’s bar made my day.

Hershey is a special town whose buildings, economy, and spirit reflect the influence of one man, Milton S. Hershey, who invented America’s first milk chocolate and went on to create the entire town, and built the world’s largest chocolate factory. He also created a perfect family vacation spot.

His life is one of those success stories of which legends are made. Born to 22 WNY Family April 2020

strict Mennonite parents in Derry Township, where Hershey is located, he was an unsuccessful student and knew failure and unemployment before he found success.

“The chocolate market will be a permanent one,” he said. “Chocolate is a food as well as a confection. It ought to have a big future in the United States.”

He also strongly believed in quality.

“Give them the quality; that’s the best kind of advertising in the world,” he once said.

We learned much about Milton Hershey and the early days of the Hershey Company from Brandon, our conductor on the Hershey Trolley Works tour that was both fun and educational. He started the tour with a song: “You are my Sunshine” and finished it with chocolate. Every few minutes during the tour (maybe it only seemed that way) there was more chocolate — not that I am complaining.

Tours leave from Chocolate World, which attracts more than two million visitors annually. It is the best introduction to Hershey. This free tour was opened in 1973 as a substitute

There is also a variety of other chocolate experiences offered here. Enjoy a 4D Chocolate Movie; have your photo placed on a Hershey bar or other candy; join a Chocolate Tasting Adventure; enjoy a performance of Hershey’s Unwrapped.

My favorite was the create your own chocolate bar experience. Participants, including children, don aprons, hairnets, and gloves and proceed to various production stages where a conveyer belt system allows “workers” to design their chocolate bars with nuts, toffee and other ingredients. Even the packaging is customized, and I still treasure my “Deborah’s Chocolate Bar” box that once contained my special bar. Alas, just the aroma remains.

Hershey opened Hersheypark in 1907 to provide a place of relaxation for his employees and their families. Two years later an adjoining zoo was opened. It is now called ZooAmerica, is open year-round, and has 200 animals from five regions of North America.

The park continued to grow over the years and in 1971 it was developed into a major theme park. There are now more than 70 rides and attractions for all ages, including a turn-of-the-century carousel with hand carved horses and a Wurlitzer Band Organ, a waterpark, a 33-meter-tall Ferris Wheel, live performances in the Amphitheatre, a sea lion show, and strolling performers.

Returning park visitors will discover new attractions and adventures this season. Roller coaster fans can take a ride on the new Candymonium, the tallest, fastest, longest, and sweetest coaster in Hersheypark. Riders can look forward to savoring a heart-pounding, 210-foot ascent up the tallest hill in the park on the park’s 15th coaster. Then, dip into thrilling drops including seven camelback hills.

The coaster reaches speeds up to 76 mph.

This is a candy-inspired experience from start to finish. The finishing touch is a panoramic banked curve around the iconic Kisses fountain.

Hershey’s Chocolatetown is an all new region in Hersheypark where guests can play, eat, shop, and gather. The Chocolatier is a full-service restaurant and bar featuring past and present pieces from the park’s ride collection and great views of neighboring attractions. Watch mouthwatering sweets being made before your eyes at The Sweeterie or enjoy an ice cream sundae at Milton’s Ice Cream Parlor, inspired by one of Hershey’s early ventures — a Philadelphia malt shop.

Shoppers can find a wide array of souvenirs and more at the new Hersheypark Supply Co., the park’s flagship store with the largest exclusive collections of clothing, gifts, and toys.

Hyperdeck is an all-new immersive virtual reality experience inside Chococontinued on page 69 April 2020 WNY Family 23

As a result of so many closings and even cancellations at WNY Family’s press time due to the Coronavirus, there is no centerfold event calendar for the first time in our 36-year publishing history. Instead we offer these ideas to help you keep the kids busy until the normal pattern of our lives can resume.

KID STATIONS:

The One Tool You Need to Survive Extended Time at Home — by Sandi Haustein

W

hen you’re spending hours at home, whether it’s by choice or because of the Coronavirus, it doesn’t take long for kids to start suffering from “Too Much Togetherness,” picking fights with each other, and badgering you for screen time. Your kids need some space from each other, and you need some alone time.

Let me introduce you to a tool that helps me (and my four kids) not only survive but actually enjoy extended time at home. I call it “Kid Stations,” and it’s really easy to implement.

Every day we’re home, usually after lunch, I set up a series of activities around the house, and my kids rotate through them individually. They get a break from each other, and since they’re rotating every 20 minutes or so, it’s nonstop fun for them. For me, it’s almost 1 1/2 hours of peace to either enjoy some downtime or to get something done around the house.

It’s a win for all of us.

When you see how simple and effective Kid Stations are at giving everyone space from each other and yet still keeping things fun, they’ll become your favorite activity during these weeks of social distancing. I’m going to show you how to make them work for you.

24 WNY Family April 2020



Reading Station: Make sure you’re well-stocked with books. This is a great station for making progress on your kids’ reading comprehension.



Fun Screen Time Station: Let them pick any parent-approved app or website to play on.



Active Play Station: Set out your kids’ favorite toys like Legos, Snap Circuits, Littlest Pet Shop, or Little People.



School-like Work Station: Give them a couple of Summer Bridge workbooks or find activity sheets online specific to something your child loves to study. For the little kids, you can use activity books that teach them phonics, to follow directions, or to practice their scissor skills.



Outside Station: If the current CDC recommendations and the weather allow for it, encourage them to get some fresh air by playing in the backyard, jumping on the trampoline, or practicing their ball skills in the garage.



Video-Making Station: Let your kids become filmmakers by making stopmotion movies (with the Stop Motion Studio app) or movie trailers (with iMovie). They can show the whole family their creations later in the day.



Exercise Station: Get them moving with apps like Yoga for Kids or Fitness Kids or the GoNoodle YouTube channel.



Cleaning Station: Put them to work with simple chores like vacuuming, picking up their room, or dusting. (Just make sure that all of your other stations are really fun.)



Cooking Station: Have them help you get ready for dinner by making a salad, peeling potatoes, or opening cans. Or let them make a dessert. If one child doesn’t finish all the steps, the next one can take over to finish the recipe.



Gaming Station: If you have a Wii, Xbox, or another gaming system, let them have a turn playing their favorite video game.



Puzzles Station: Whether they’re young or old, kids love the challenge

1) Pick 3-4 stations.

How many you choose will depend on how many kids you have and how much time you want to fill. Plan for at least the same number of stations as you have kids. I have four kids, so I typically do four stations.

Here are some ideas to get you started: 



Crafts Station: Plan for a specific craft from Pinterest or just set out a wide variety of art supplies and let them go wild.

Educational Screen Time Station: Let the little ones play on websites or apps like ABCYa!, Starfall, or PBS Kids. The big kids can do activities on Nova, Cool Math Games, or Khan Academy.



Games Station: For the big kids, set out a deck of cards to play Solitaire or board games that can be played alone like Boggle, Scrabble, or Storycubes.



Busy Bags Station: Busy bags are perfect activities for toddlers and preschoolers. If you’re not familiar with them, look on Pinterest for plenty of ideas.



Writing Station: Give them something fun or meaningful to write, like a letter to a grandparent or a Christmas wish list.

of puzzles. You can give them an easy one that they can finish during their 25 minutes or a harder one that each of them takes turns working on. 



Facetiming Station: Let them video chat with Grandma or Grandpa or a friend they haven’t seen in a while.

Drawing Station: Give them free drawing lessons using the Art for Kids Hub YouTube channel. They can learn to draw most anything they want to — from a unicorn to Baby Yoda.

2) Decide on logistics and write out a schedule.

You need to decide how long each station will last, where it will take place, and which child will start there. I suggest 25 minutes for each one and spreading them out into different rooms.

Next write out a schedule and show it to your kids. If they fight over who gets to go to the “most fun” station first (in my house it’s anything electronics-related), have them pick a number between 1-10 and the closest to your number gets to choose first.

Your schedule might look something like this: 25-Minute Stations

4) Enjoy your quiet time.

You get to choose whether to do something fun for yourself or to get things done around the house. When the timer goes off, call out, “Time to switch!” And remind each kid which station to go to next. (Just move down the list of stations to keep it simple.)

5) Repeat until your kids have rotated through all of the stations.

Tips & Ideas 





If you still have a little one napping, use stations for the big kids during naptime.

If your kids are young, start with 15-minute stations first, then gradually increase the time over a week or so. Bigger kids can usually do 25-30 minutes each.

You could also use stations to spend one-on-one time with each child. To do that, just make one of them a Play with Mom/Dad station. Then as each child rotates through, he’ll get some individual attention and fun.

Conclusion

I-pad time in the Living Room — Child #1; Legos or Snap Circuits in the Basement — Child #2; Crafts at the Kitchen Table — Child #3; Reading time in Your Room — Child #4

Kid stations can be a parent’s best friend during extended time at home. I know I will be using them while my kids are out of school. Try them, tweak them for your family, and enjoy the peace and quiet (and lack of arguing!) that they bring.

3) Send your children to their assigned stations, and set a timer.

Sandi Haustein is a freelance writer and mom of four who writes while her kids are doing stations. She blogs at thewelcomingtable.com.

25 Things YOU Can Do While Your Kids Are Doing Stations Read a book.

Prepare ingredients for dinner.

Sit out in the sun.

Fold some laundry.

Take a shower.

Work on your home business.

Call a friend.

Watch a 20-minute Netflix show.

Pay the bills.

Catch up on Facebook or Instagram.

Organize a cabinet.

Work through an online course.

Run on the treadmill.

Read a magazine.

Clean out your inbox.

Facetime a family member.

Mop the floor.

Pin some recipes on Pinterest.

Knit or crochet.

Read your favorite blog.

Do an exercise video.

Write in your journal.

Shop online for a new outfit.

Work on a DIY project.

Enjoy the peace and quiet!

April 2020 WNY Family 25

Stuck Indoors By the Coronavirus:

10 Ways to Keep Your Kids Occupied & Keep Your Sanity

each child gets to parade onto the course to a theme song of his or her choosing. Depending on your child’s age, your child may want to grab a favorite teddy bear to serve as his or her Olympic mascot. At the close of the opening ceremonies, get your stopwatch and scorecard ready and time your little Olympians as they compete in consecutive games of skill and physical fitness such as: 

a ring or beanbag toss, a mini golf course competition (a broom, a ping pong ball, and a plastic cup can be used in place of a golf club, golf ball, and golf hole), or a ball throwing competition into boxes of decreasing sizes, with a point given per successful shot for each of these activities;



a sack race or a boiled egg and spoon race with a marked-off finish line and points given to the first person over the finish line;



a hula hoop competition with a point given for each second the competitors can hold up their hula hoop;



a pyramid cup-stacking race with points given to the first person to successfully stack his or her cups into a stable pyramid;



a physical endurance competition where points are given for the number of jumping jacks, push-ups, and situps the child can do in three 30-second intervals; and



a mad dash crabwalk to the final finish line to close out the indoor Olympic games.

— by Dolores Smyth

T

he growing number of COVID-19 cases has triggered a wave of alarm and preemptive action across the globe and, closer to home, schools, libraries, and even churches have closed their doors. While social distancing is a necessary — albeit overwhelming — way to stem the coronavirus outbreak, many parents have been left floundering for ways to keep their kids occupied at home as they count the minutes for their day-to-day routine to go back to normal.

Although some schools are providing their students with online classes, this may not be a viable option for your household and, even if it is, you still have to fill up the rest of the day as you hunker down at home with the kids. For many parents, letting their children play video games or watch TV for a reasonable amount of time is fun for the kids and gives you a muchneeded opportunity to get things done.

However, if none of that screen time offers any educational value or family bonding time, you may want to explore other solutions to help keep your kids from getting cabin-fever and keep yourself from going stir-crazy. Moreover, if your child is experiencing depression and/or anxiety because of the coronavirus pandemic, engaging in activities that promote family bonding can help reduce the incidence of depression and anxiety in children.

the basement or down from the attic and turn your family room into an indoor campground. No sleeping bags or tents?

No problem. Create a campground by arranging chairs in rows of two in the family room, draping a bedsheet over the chairs to create the tent, and piling pillows and blankets underneath to create a sleeping area.

You can make your indoor campground as elaborate as you’d like with items you already have in your home.

String Christmas lights across the top of the tent to create a starry night scene. Enjoy the glow of a campground “fire” made with paper towel tubes, tissue paper, and LED candles. Set up lawn chairs outside the tent and serve hot dogs, chips, and trail mix, play cards and board games, or do an easy “camping” craft like making beaded necklaces or braided bracelets.

Add to the camping aura by having the kids help you make indoor s’mores in the microwave, oven, skillet, or, for a more “outdoorsy” experience, over a well-ventilated sterno flame. Last, if your kids are old enough to appreciate a spooky story, lower the lights and switch on a flashlight as you go around the group and tell ghost stories.

Here are 10 fun (and cheap!) indoor activities you can do at home with kids of all ages.

2) Host indoor Olympic games. If you look in your kids’ toy boxes and closets, you’ll probably find that you have enough games and activities at home to arrange back-to-back and create a challenging obstacle course for your kids to compete in, tantamount to a kiddie indoor Olympic course!

1) Set up an indoor campground.

Bring the sleeping bags and tents up from

You can kick off the indoor “Olympic games” with an opening ceremony where

26 WNY Family April 2020

At the end of the games, be sure to hand out prizes to each child, whether the prizes be stickers, dollar bills, or, if planned ahead, inexpensive pre-ordered gold medals.

3) Send the kids off on a scavenger hunt. Staying indoors can be a blast when the kids are set off on a scavenger hunt to seek and collect common household items. The scavenger hunt can be subject to a time-limit where each child competes alone or as part of a team to see which team collects the most items first. Go online for free, printable indoor scavenger hunt checklists listing everyday household items for seekers to find.

4) Throw a costume party. Let your kids raid Mom and Dad’s room for hats, scarves, and costume jewelry to put on a costume party. Add snacks and a tea set to make it a tea party-themed costume party. For a quick and easy costume, take out several rolls of toilet paper (if you can

continued on page 47

The SPECIAL NEEDS Child

WNY Family Magazine | April 2020 | PULL-OUT & SAVE

April 2020 WNY Family 27

Other places to get information include: books written for parents of children with birth defects  national organizations such as the March of Dimes, the National Information Center for Children and Youth With Disabilities, and those representing a specific birth defect  support groups or other parents 

Keep a file with a running list of questions and the answers you find, as well as suggestions for further reading and any materials your child’s doctor gives you. Keep an updated list of all health care providers and their phone numbers, as well as emergency numbers.

When Baby is Born and All is Not Well

I

f your child has a birth defect, you might be feeling overwhelmed and unprepared. But you’re not alone — about 120,000 babies are born in the United States each year with birth defects, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). It’s important to know that many people and resources are available to help you and your child.

doctor probably can recommend a social worker or psychologist.

What Are Birth Defects?

Celebrate your child. Let yourself enjoy your baby the same way any new parent would — by cuddling and playing, watching for developmental milestones (even if they’re different from those in children without a birth defect), and sharing your joy with family members and friends. Many parents of babies with birth defects wonder if they should send out birth announcements. This is a personal decision — the fact that your baby has a health problem doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be excited about the new addition to your family.

Birth defects (also called congenital anomalies) are problems present at birth.

There are many different types of birth defects, and they can range from mild to severe. Defects can be structural (like a cleft lip/palate, spina bifida, or a heart defect) or functional/developmental (like Down syndrome, deafness, or a metabolic disorder like phenylketonuria).

Some defects are inherited (passed on to a baby by his/her parents), while others have environmental causes. In many cases, the cause is unknown.

Steps to Take

As the parent of a child with a birth defect, it’s important for you to: Acknowledge your emotions. You might feel shock, denial, grief, and even anger. Accept those feelings, and talk about them with your spouse/partner and other family members. You also might consider seeing a counselor. Your 28 WNY Family April 2020

Get support. Talking with someone who’s been through the same thing can help. Ask your doctor or a social worker if other parents in the area have children with the same condition. Consider joining a support group — ask the doctors or specialists for advice on finding a local or national support group, or search online.

Getting Help and Information

Educate yourself. Try to learn as much as you can as soon as you can.

Start by asking your doctors lots of questions. Record the answers, and if you’re not satisfied — or if a doctor doesn’t answer your questions thoroughly — don’t be afraid to get second opinions.

Explore options for paying for treatment and ongoing care for your child. There can be extra medical and therapeutic costs in caring for a child with a birth defect. Besides health insurance, other available resources include nonprofit disability organizations, private foundations, Medicaid, and state and local programs. A social worker can help you learn more about these.

Seek early intervention. Early intervention means bringing a team of experts together to assess a child’s needs and create a treatment program. Early intervention services can include feeding support, assistive technology (tools, devices, and aids that make everyday tasks easier for people with disabilities), occupational therapy, physical therapy, speech therapy, nutrition services, and social work services.

Besides identifying, evaluating, and treating your child’s needs, early intervention programs:  tell you where you can get information about the disability  help you to learn how to care for your child at home  help you find payment options and tell you where you can find free services  help you make important decisions about your child’s care  provide counseling Your child’s doctor or a social worker at the hospital where you gave birth should be able to connect you with the early intervention program in your area.

Work as a team. Most children with birth defects need a team of professionals to treat them. Even if your child needs

to see only one specialist, that person will coordinate care with your primary care provider. Some hospitals have teams ready to deal with problems such as heart defects, cleft lip and palate, or cerebral palsy. Still, you may find yourself being both the main contact between different care providers and the coordinator of your child’s appointments. As soon as possible, get to know the different team members. Make sure they know who else will be caring for your child and that you intend to play a key role.

Birth Defects in the Future

Research continues into the causes of birth defects and ways to detect, prevent, and treat them. Technology plays a big part — for example, prenatal testing has gotten better and more precise. Safer and more accurate tests include:  Ultrasound tests and magnetic resonance imaging (MRI)  Cell-free DNA screening, which involves taking a blood sample from the mother and testing it for the genetic makeup of the baby. This test helps doctors identify any abnormal chromosomes in the baby, which can cause problems like Down syndrome and Turner syndrome.  Amniocentesis and chorionic villi sampling. Amniocentesis involves removing a small amount of amniotic fluid from around the developing fetus. This fluid can be tested to check for genetic problems. Chorionic villi sampling involves removing a small piece of the placenta to check for genetic problems.  Preconception counseling can help couples understand any risks for having a baby with a birth defect before they try to become pregnant.

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None of these tests can prevent birth defects, but they give a clearer, safer, and more accurate diagnosis at an earlier stage of pregnancy — giving parents more time to seek advice and consider their options.

Genetics research is advancing quickly. The Human Genome Project has identified most of the genes in the human body, but researchers are still working on understanding what the genes do. Many gene mutations that lead to a high risk for birth defects have been identified.

Early surgery is an option in the treatment of certain birth defects — and sometimes can take place even before a baby is born. Surgeons now can operate on fetuses to repair structural defects, such as hernias of the diaphragm, spina bifida, and lung problems. These procedures can be controversial, though, because they sometimes cause premature labor. And it’s still not clear whether they always can improve a child’s outcome.

Cradle Beach is a residential summer camp

that serves children with special needs and children from economically challenged backgrounds aged 8-16 years old.

Camp Sessions begin on June 29th.

Five sessions, 8-10 days each.

To register for Summer Camp, go to www.CradleBeach.org or call Admissions at (716) 549-6307 ext.205

To get information on specific research about your child’s disability, contact the national organization for that disability.

Also, the March of Dimes, the National Information Center for Children and Youth With Disabilities, and the National Organization for Rare Disorders, Inc. (NORD), may have information about the latest research.

This information was provided by KidsHealth®, one of the largest resources online for medically reviewed health information written for parents, kids, and teens. For more articles like this, visit KidsHealth.org or TeensHealth.org. © 1995-2019. The Nemours Foundation/KidsHealth®. All rights reserved.

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going to interact with many professionals, caregivers, educators, clinicians, etc., in their lives. In other words, there is an individualized team for every disabled person and their family. There is not always an opportunity for each member of the team to consult with others on the team. Maybe team members do not agree on goals or action steps.

This puts you, the individual/advocate, right in the middle.

— by Annette Hines

Document steps you have taken and results from those actions. If you have tried a certain therapy or medication and it did not have a great outcome, then write it down. If you have applied for a certain benefit in the past and were denied, document that as well.

8 Ways to be a Great Advocate for Your Family Member with Special Needs

F

or most families, the journey of taking care of a family member with special needs is “a marathon, not a sprint.” The emphasis must be on taking care of yourself and your family in order to take on the longterm role of advocate.

Don’t underestimate the value of getting some exercise, having a routine, eating well, laughing, taking deep breaths to relax, and surrounding yourself with positive people. This can be hard to do sometimes when facing so many challenges. Also, remember that each member of a family is important and should have their needs valued and met.

While important for anyone, these “little things” are actually critical for those of us who struggle to find a normal life and some balance while dealing with disability. Those little things can also be the most difficult to obtain for any family affected by disability. Don’t get lost in the fight for disability, school services, or insurance coverage. Long-term stress from a conflict driven life can have a huge impact on the health of a caregiver/advocate.

After more than two decades as a professional advocating for people with 30 WNY Family April 2020

special needs and personally living the life as a special needs caregiver, I’d like to share some things I’ve learned to help you become a great advocate while also maintaining some balance in your life: 1) Separate out the urgent from the non-urgent issues. Write down daily goals and weekly goals and link those with appointments and tasks that are already set up.

2) Gather information. Do go on the web to search for information but limit your time online. Disability can be very isolating and there is a tendency with the isolation to be online for literally hours and hours to research everything that has ever been published.

Research your current issues, but keep a balance. Don’t become overwhelmed.

Write a brief summary of the issue you are facing. It should be concise and without emotion. If the provider is open to it, then share that summary in advance. If not, use it for your own notes and to be prepared for your upcoming meeting or communication.

3) Become the expert. Most families and individuals with disabilities are

When you work with the various members of your team, you will develop credibility if you are organized and can summarize issues quickly. Many advocates can appear as a drowning person, always in a panic and grabbing at anything nearby to hold onto in attempt to save themselves.

4) Pull together a trusted team. This will take some time. Many therapists, schools, service providers will not be a good match the first time out. Even when you do find good fits, people change jobs, an individual’s needs change and benefits rules change as well. It is an ever-changing landscape and hard to keep up. However, knowing that plans may change, a great advocate will always have a plan. Find the best team for your current plan.

5) Learn to prioritize. Once you have your goals listed, team organized, and have done your research, now you can prioritize an action plan to address and advocate for certain issues. You do not have to deal with all the issues all the time. It is likely that only a very few decisions actually have to be made immediately.

6) Establish good communication. For most disabled individuals and their families, as advocates they do need to be assertive; providers often do not agree, sometimes do not respond, and sometimes do not do what you need to have done in a timely manner. Assertiveness can mean getting better results or

outcomes because that means you actually go after what you need. Many providers are underfunded, understaffed, and in general, just overwhelmed with all the individuals they are meant to care for.

But, when advocates become frustrated, this assertiveness can become abusive and this abuse is often misdirected. It is understandable that families and individuals get frustrated, but be cautious. These same people who frustrate you now are the ones who ultimately will be there to help you. In fact, even if they are underperforming, they may be all you will get to assist you in any given area.

Unfortunately, sometimes even advocates with the best intentions can bring negative attention to themselves or their family. Because you are the hub of the team, you become the central source, or “gatekeeper,” of all information. It may not always be possible to have the team speak to each other in a group format.

Therefore, your communication must be precise, with as little emotion as possible and succinctly documented.

7) Share the advocate role!

Even if you don’t see the immediate value in these relationships, it is very important that there are many people who know you and your family and feel invested in your care. Once you find someone who is good and willing to advocate for the disabled individual, enlist them and thank them for their assistance.

8) Learn to recognize when the conflict has become threatening and you are out of your depth. a. Get a lawyer: Finding a lawyer who knows his or her way around your legal issue is key. Under some circumstances, the person with disabilities or their family member may be entitled to free legal counsel. Do not sign anything, or in some cases, continue to make statements until you have consulted with counsel. Once your statements are on the record, it is difficult to unwind them if they are not accurate. b. Gather your supports: Outside or second opinions can be very helpful when conflict arises. c. Gather documentation: Bring

your journal, test results, clinic visit notes, teacher observations, medicine administration journals and any other documentation that could prove helpful. d. Watch your communication: People under this type of stress may not think clearly and may not understand all the proceedings. You may want to lash out and be very aggressive. However, maintaining civility and calm is of utmost importance when this level of conflict has arisen.

Finally, be thoughtful about the long-term value of developing relationships with physicians, providers, schools, case workers and others. Nurture these relationships. Of course, you have legal rights, but remember, these rights are moderated by people. It is always better if plans are a team decision rather than a reluctant response to a demand.

Give the team the benefit of the doubt and believe that everyone is working hard and trying their best. Being patient, thoughtful, and encouraging in those relationships with the people and healthcare providers (who are often the source of frustration and bad news!) is a challenge but is so critically important in the success of your advocacy for your family member with special needs.

Annette Hines, Esq. is the author of Butterflies and Second Chances: A Mom’s Memoir of Love and Loss. She is a powerhouse advocate for the special needs community. Not only has she founded the Special Needs Law Group of Massachusetts, PC, specializing in special needs estate panning, where special needs families comprise 80 percent of the firm’s clients, Hines brings personal experience with special needs to her practice, as the mother of two daughters, one of whom passed away from Mitochondrial disease in November 2013. This deep understanding of special needs fuels her passion for quality special needs planning and drives her dedication to the practice. For more information, please visit, https://specialneedscompanies.com/ and connect with her on Facebook, https://www.facebook. com/SpecialNeedsLawGroup/.

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— by Julia Garstecki

the condition of their sibling, their imagination can run wild and they think things could be much worse than the reality.

Dr. Milevsky states, “It is very important to sit with the child and explain to them in an age-appropriate way what is happening with their sibling.”

Additionally, “It is important that the well siblings don’t feel that their sibling with a disability is a burden. Every once in a while, the family should choose a trip that will accommodate the well sibling.”

This will help decrease resentment between the siblings and lead to a fuller life.

Special Needs and Siblings

P

arenting comes with many surprises, both positive and negative. Parents whose child has special needs experience these surprises exponentially. Fortunately, since the 1950s, information, education, and laws have greatly improved. Each decade saw the evolution of support services, with online groups providing encouragement and sharing strategies throughout the world.

Dr. Avidan Milevsky, associate professor of Psychology at Ariel University in Israel and author of Sibling Issues in Therapy identified one group that has been, until recently, left out of the supported club — the siblings. This is a critical issue, as siblings may become the long-term care provider for their sibling with special needs. According to Easter Seals, nearly 7 in 10 adults with a disability lives with their parents or a guardian. This highlights the impact of having a sibling with a special need.

Unique Issues Siblings May Face Children with disabilities or illnesses require more physical and emotional energy for parents. Therapy sessions, doctor visits, and school meetings are more common. Extra time helping with daily routines like showering, homework, and chores might be required.

This is all time away from the sibling that may or may not need assistance with these same tasks. Add work hours and house chores, and the sibling without a special need can struggle for time 32 WNY Family April 2020

with mom or dad. Equally upsetting, it can take away a ride to a friend’s house, soccer practice, or a party!

These additional physical requirements can take an emotional toll on a parent. However, the child without special needs still requires the emotional support that all kids do! Stressful classes, lack of friends, dating issues, or college searches require a present parent as well.

Finally, one cannot forget the additional finances required for someone with special needs. Co-pays, medications, tutors, therapists, accessories to accommodate wheelchairs, all take funding away from vacations, trendy clothes, and dance lessons.

Guilt, Inequity and Struggle Heather, mother of six, has two children with multiple disabilities. She recognizes the sacrifices her children without special needs must make as they sometimes have to supervise their siblings and care for them as parents would. She offers, “The guilt, as our energy is drained focusing on our youngest with needs, is awful. Melt downs and defiant behavior can be stressful for the whole family.”

Of course, no teenager in the world believes life is fair. That said, it’s easy to see why one with a special needs sibling would feel that way. Besides these more obvious inequities, there are other, less obvious issues a sibling might have. Dr. Avidan Milevsky states that when “normal” siblings are left in the dark about

Dr. Milevsky goes on to explain that siblings may also feel guilty about the disability. He or she may feel bad that they do not have the same struggles, may feel guilty about being upset, and even feel jealous of the attention the sibling with special needs requires. Feeling embarrassed if the sibling behaves poorly in public might result in a guilty feeling as well.

When a disability cannot be seen by the public, it can be a struggle for the ‘normal’ child. Cricket, a 13-year-old with a brother who has Autism and an intellectual disability, says she never knows if she should mention her brother’s disability or not. “When he appears rude to strangers, I sometimes want to explain that he really isn’t. When my friends see him and they can tell something is different, I never know what to say.”

These challenges will change over time. In adult years, the sibling may become the caretaker, requiring them to be in charge of health and financial accommodations.

Sibling As Caretaker Karrie from Chautauqua has taken over her sibling’s care. In addition to working full time and having a family of her own, she is now in charge of her older brother’s daily living. This includes overseeing his allowance and making sure he stays out of trouble. “I have a tracker on his phone, an alarm to let me know if he has left his house, and set up people to care for him.”

Setting up a special needs trust is one thing parents and future caregivers need to consider. Speaking with a financial advisor and lawyer sooner rather than later can help a family prepare for everyone’s future.

Available Resources

Fantastic Friends of WNY, Inc. (fantasticfriendswny@gmail.com or call 716-608-6234) is another great resource.

This group provides activities with those who have special needs, but many times families and siblings also take part in the activities.

Dr. Milevsky has also come across many positives for siblings in his research. Siblings mature much faster than their peers, and often choose occupations in service. Find further reading from Dr. Milevsky in the Psychology Today article “Siblings of Children with Disabilities” at https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/band-brothersand-sisters/201406/siblings-childrendisabilities

In a world of division and chaos, perhaps Heather’s children will be positive role models for their peers.

Julia Garstecki lives in Buffalo, is a special education teacher as well as the parent of a child with special needs.

She is also the author of more than 60 nonfiction books for young readers and is available for speaking engagements and author visits. Contact her at julia@ juliagarstecki.com, follow her on twitter @juliagarstecki and visit her website at juliagarstecki.com.

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Save The Date!

Rescheduled to: September 29th

2020 Developmental Disability Awareness Day!

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Even as Heather states that their family can endure a large amount of stress, she also identifies additional blessings. “My children know the true definition of unconditional love.” Her heart melts when she sees all of the siblings taking walks or fishing together.

She recognizes her typically developing children are more sensitive to the needs of others and have grown in their compassion and acceptance of all children.

Do you have a child in middle or high school who is currently in the special education program?

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Common concerns can be addressed, and for many siblings, it might be the first time they can express themselves in a safe environment with kids feeling just like they do.

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April 2020 WNY Family 33

Source: Episcopal Center for Children

tions and notes. Review the diagnosis and examine the plan carefully to see how it addresses your child’s needs.

Ask for clarification of education or treatment jargon if needed. Goals and objectives should be clear in the plan.

Question #4: When will services be offered? Make sure you understand start date(s), how long services are offered, and the procedures involved. Determine how frequently services are offered.

Ten Questions to Ask to Make Your Child’s IEP Meeting a Success

I

ndividualized Education Plan (IEP) meetings are very important for children coping with special needs. These meetings outline goals for the child’s education and treatment, and it guides how services will be provided.

“These meetings are very important because the IEP guides how the child will be educated and outlines goals for the child, interventions, and any accommodations and services that will be provided,” said Dodd White, president and CEO of the Episcopal Center for Children (ECC), a nonprofit organization providing therapeutic and special education services to children ages 5-14 in the greater Washington, DC area.

“It’s important to review IEP meeting documents in advance before the meeting,” said White. “An IEP meeting brings together the entire IEP team assisting your child — educators, treatment providers, parents, the Local Education Agency (LEA) representative and others. Parents and guardians are an important part of that team. You are there to be an advocate for your child,” said White.

34 WNY Family April 2020

It’s important for parents and guardians to ask the right questions before, during and after an IEP meeting.

Here are some questions to help: Question #1: When is the IEP meeting and how will I participate? At least 10 days before the IEP meeting, you should receive a letter of invitation. As soon as you can, RSVP for the meeting in writing. Inform the school if you will attend the meeting in person or by phone. If you are not available to attend the meeting at the proposed time, suggest alternative dates and times, as well as locations.

Question #2: What documents will be discussed at the IEP meeting? At least 5 business days before the IEP meeting, you should receive draft documents. These may include the IEP, a behavior intervention plan (BIP), or evaluations of your child.

Review these documents carefully before the meeting.

Question #3: Does this plan address my child’s education and treatment needs? Are the goals and objectives clear? Before the meeting, carefully review draft documents and write down your ques-

Question #5: Is my child progressing toward a goal in the plan? And will the plan help my child progress? If your child is not progressing toward a goal as you had hoped, ask how this will be addressed, or if a goal should be revised.

Question #6: When will I be updated on my child’s progress? The plan should indicate when you will be updated. If you want more frequent updates on progress during the school year, you can request additional updates be added to the plan for you.

Question #7: What else can be done to assist my child? If you think something else might help your child, come prepared to discuss it.

Write down any proposed changes to the IEP and any information you would like to add.

Question #8: Should anyone else attend the meeting? Invite additional people to the IEP meeting if you want them there and think they can contribute. An IEP meeting takes a “team” approach to helping your child.

Take the initiative to invite individuals who have relevant knowledge or expertise regarding your child (such as, family members, coaches, community support workers, social workers, attorneys, advocates, etc.). Let the school team know additional people will attend the meeting.

Question #9: How can I have a healthy working relationship with the school, treatment providers, and the entire IEP

team? Developing healthy and professional relationships with the school and treatment providers can help your child.

Be open to discussing issues promptly, directly, honestly and courteously. Ask questions and listen carefully to answers.

This will allow you to respond appropriately and avoid misunderstandings.

Question #10: How can I support my child at home? Ask what you can do at home to support and reinforce what your child is learning at school. Realize that home also needs to be a place of respite — a place to recover from the hard work that may have occurred at school.

The Episcopal Center for Children is a nonprofit, nondenominational school and treatment program for children contending with emotional challenges from the greater Washington, D.C. metropolitan area. Accredited by the Joint Commission, the Center serves children who are 5-14 years old in grades K-8. The goal of the Center’s treatment, therapeutic milieu, and individualized special education program is to empower each child to function productively within his or her family and community. Building on strengths within children, the Center partners with families in treatment and focuses on enabling its students to access and become their best possible selves.

More information is available at eccofdc.org and on Twitter and Facebook @ECCofDC.

April 2020 WNY Family 35

demic failure and high school dropout rates, substance abuse, unintentional injuries, and emergency department visits.

Coping with A Diagnosis of ADHD

It is important to know that ADHD is highly manageable with an individualized, multimodal treatment approach that can include behavioral interventions, training for parents, educational support, and medication. When properly diagnosed and treated, children with ADHD can be very successful.

CHADD’s Parent to Parent Program Provides Essential Guidance

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earning that your child has been diagnosed with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can be overwhelming for any parent. Many find themselves at a loss as to where to turn for reliable information and proven approaches to enhance their child’s success. To meet this critical need, CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) created Parent to Parent: Family Training on ADHD (P2P).

Developed by parents for parents, P2P provides a comprehensive understanding of ADHD, and essential strategies for improving life at home and at school.

“ADHD presents significant challenges for children and their families,” says April Gower-Getz, Chief Operating Officer of the nonprofit organiza-

tion CHADD — the nation’s leading resource for the ADHD community. “Early intervention is key to positive outcomes.

Learning how to effectively manage the symptoms of ADHD can affect both the severity of the disorder and the development of more serious issues over time.

We want parents to know they’re not alone. CHADD is here to help.”

According to the CDC’s National Health Interview Survey, 10 percent of school-aged children in the United States have been diagnosed with ADHD, a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by a persistent pattern of inappropriate levels of attention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity. When not managed effectively, ADHD can lead to significant concerns. Research shows that children with ADHD have higher rates of aca-

CHADD’s Parent to Parent program provides support and information from the parents’ perspective. Parents learn what ADHD is, its probable causes, the process of diagnosis and assessment, the components of a multimodal treatment approach, complementary and alternative treatment options, strategies for creating an ADHD-friendly home environment, and how to support a child with ADHD at school. The curriculum incorporates information on managing the impact of ADHD on a family, behavioral interventions that work, and effective parenting strategies. School issues are also covered, such as special education and IDEA, classroom accommodations and Section 504, and how to work with school administrators.

There are three course delivery options available for P2P training. Parents can choose eLearning ─ a flexible, selfpaced course delivered in five modules that can be purchased as individual modules at $49 each or as a complete set for $229. CHADD members receive discounted pricing.

The second option is to attend a

About ADHD Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by a persistent pattern of inappropriate levels of attention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity. Children with ADHD have higher rates of retention in grade level, high school dropout, and substance abuse than their peers. ADHD is very manageable with an individualized, multimodal treatment approach that can include behavioral interventions, training for parents of children with ADHD, educational support, and medication.

36 WNY Family April 2020

series of interactive, small-group webinars presented throughout the year by experienced parents who are certified to deliver this training. CHADD also offers a limited number of in-person P2P training sessions throughout the year.

The cost for the webinar series is $49 per module, while in-person classes range between $100 and $199. Webinar and class schedules can be found on CHADD’s website.

Visit https://chadd.org/parent-toparent/#adhdhappyfamily for more information about CHADD’s Parent to Parent program and to view a testimonial video, as well as written testimonials, from parents who have completed the course. Also featured on the website are additional resources available to parents and families. If you have questions about P2P, please contact CHADD via email at parent2parent@chadd.org or by telephone at 240-487-2321.

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CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) is the leading resource on attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), providing support, training, education, and advocacy for the 17 million children and adults in the United States living with ADHD, their families, educators, and healthcare professionals. As home to the National Resource Center on ADHD, funded by the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, CHADD is the most trusted source of reliable, sciencebased information regarding current medical research and ADHD management. To learn more, visit www.CHADD. org or call 310-306-7070.

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ing signs and are trying to help our kiddo avoid a meltdown.” She says events like family gatherings or vacations, which are fun for most people, “are stressful for our family because it’s just too much everything.”

A Little Compassion Goes A Long Way

— by Pam Moore

4 Things Moms of Kids with Invisible Disabilities Want You to Know

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hile some disabilities demand recognition via a wheelchair, hearing aid, or portable oxygen tank, others are more subtle. But that doesn’t make them any less real. Known as invisible disabilities, they affect 96% of people who have a chronic medical condition, according to one estimate. Caring for a child with any kind of disability presents extra challenges. For the parents of kids with invisible disabilities, those challenges often include the perceptions of their communities — including friends, family, neighbors, and teachers —perceptions that are uninformed at best and hostile at worst.

I talked to parents of kids with invisible disabilities including Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Avoidant and Resistive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID), hemophilia, and many others, to find out what they wish more people understood about their experiences.

Sensory Processing Issues are NOT Discipline Issues According to the American Occupational Therapy Association, sensory processing affects virtually all aspects of a child’s daily life, including motor 38 WNY Family April 2020

coordination, school performance, and relationships. A child with sensory processing disorder could have 20/20 vision and perfect hearing, but when he is in a crowded mall, his brain is not able to manage all of the auditory and visual information he’s receiving through his eyes and ears. While each kid reacts differently to overstimulation, some will scream or become physically aggressive.

What may look like defiance is just a kid doing his best to manage a stressful environment. The assumption that a lack of discipline indicates a failure by the parent is totally without merit. Jaime has a five-year-old son with level one high functioning ASD. She says, “Discipline will not prevent him from being overwhelmed by his environment.” Lainie Gutterman, the mom of a seven-year-old boy with ASD, says when he is having a meltdown, “Staring, pointing and offering your two cents is NOT helping the situation and will most likely cause my son or myself to feel worse and [his] behaviors to escalate.”

Similarly, Jennifer Lynn, whose son has ADHD, wishes people understood she’s not being rude or indulging her children when she leaves a party abruptly. “It’s just that we see the warn-

Regardless of their child’s diagnosis, virtually every parent I talked to described the pain of receiving judgment instead of compassion. Sarah Cottrell, whose son has hemophilia, is tired of challenging people’s assumptions about his diagnosis. She says, “He doesn’t have AIDS and hemophilia isn’t caused by incest. Enough with the wild theories because we need compassion and empathy for the unseen pain issues and unending fear and anxiety over covering his insurance.”

Most parents I talked to, particularly those of kids with sensory processing disorders, described organizing their days around their kids’ strict routines.

Every parent understands how easily the best-laid plans for meals, naps, and bedtimes can implode. What many parents don’t understand is how much higher the stakes are when your special-needs child depends on predictability for a sense of safety.

Says Lisa Rosen, who says she must wake up 90 minutes before her kids in order to prepare for the non-stop mental and physical energy her son requires, “When adults look at my child, they see a happy kid... But I know that if ONE thing is off in our routine, I’m dealing with Hiroshima.” Her son Ezra, age three, has sensory processing disorder and is speech delayed. According to Rosen, something as seemingly minor as the smell of a classmate’s detergent could cause him to meltdown to the point where she must carry him out of the classroom. She described her family’s disappointing lack of understanding when she could not attend the funeral of a family member, due to a lack of childcare coupled with Ezra’s regimented schedule and complex needs. “Who

knew compassion was so difficult to come by?” she asks.

The predictability some kids require doesn’t just extend to schedules and environments, but also to food. Brianna Bell and Jennifer Gregory each have a child with sensory processing disorder that makes them intolerant of many foods. Because of this, Bell hates sharing meals with friends. She says, “There is so much pressure from others for her to eat this and that and not be so picky. I feel rude bringing my own food but she starves if I don’t. And people just don’t understand and assume she’s spoiled.” Gregory asserts that her family doesn’t often eat together, often serves alternative meals, allows screens at the table, and that works for them. She wants people to understand that for her family, “Mealtime is chock full of stress and anxiety and the goal is to get food into our son’s belly because he doesn’t eat enough. If an iPad distracts him from smells and texture and allows him to eat more, so be it.”

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Parents described not only a shortage of kindness from other parents, but also from other children. Lisa Beach recalled her son’s adolescent years as being particularly isolating. He is now 20 and has Asperger’s. Beach’s advice to parents is simple: “Teach [your] kids to reach out and include rather than label and judge.”

Just Because You Can’t See It Doesn’t Mean It’s Not There When a parent is struggling to find a diagnosis, pay for therapies, or just get through the day with a kid who has an invisible disability, it is not helpful to insist nothing’s wrong because their kid looks so “normal” or that her IQ is so high.

What may be intended as a compliment may come as a slap in the face to the parent who has committed precious time, energy, and money to her child’s disability.

Samantha Taylor’s 13-year-old has high functioning autism, generalized anxiety disorder, and an eating disorder, while her ten-year-old has dysgraphia and anxiety. Although Taylor is open with her friends and family about her kids’ diagnoses, because they appear “normal” she says people are often shocked when her kids say something inappropriate or react in a way that is out of proportion to the situation. Says Taylor, “While it might look to everyone in our lives that we are holding it all together, I worry about my boys every single day. I wake up thinking about what I can do to make their day easier, and go to bed wondering if I did enough.” In search of a supportive community, Taylor ended up creating a thriving Facebook group for moms of kids with special needs.

One mother who prefers anonymity describes feeling frustrated when people judge her for coming to her son’s aid. He is in his early 20’s and has high functioning Asperger Syndrome.

While she may appear overprotective, that is not the case. She says, “High functioning individuals are acutely aware that they are different and sometimes have self-confidence issues. Shaming them for needing help is not productive and can contribute continued on page 45

April 2020 WNY Family 39

Empower Kids with Special Needs to Stop Bullies

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— by Suzanne Koup-Larsen

hether children with special needs have tics from Tourette syndrome, turned-in feet from cerebral palsy, or social skills deficits, their behavior sometimes draws the unwanted attention of bullies.

“It’s easy to pick on them,” says Heidi Mizell, resource coordinator for Autism Delaware. “And to some kids, it’s funny to watch them overreact,” she adds.

While children with differences may be easy targets for bullies, they and their parents can learn ways to address harassment at school.

What Bullied Kids Can Do Students with special needs can learn strategies to counter the words and actions of school bullies. “You have personal power. You can shut down bullies,” says Mike Fogel, LPC, director of The Art of Friendship social skills program in Ardmore, PA. Many programs focus on adults rescuing the kids, says Fogel, but he empowers the kids themselves. Techniques he teaches to children with special needs include: 

Determine who is a true bully and who is just a teaser.



Stay close to the nicer kids.

40 WNY Family April 2020



Stay close to an adult authority figure.

Fogel does not endorse physical retaliation.“We try to teach them to deal with it themselves, but if that doesn’t work, get help,” he advises. “There is a difference between tattling and asking for help in problem-solving a situation,” adds Dr. Wendy Ross, MD, a developmental pediatrician in Bryn Mawr, PA.

What Parents Can Do Parents may struggle to determine whether their child has been bullied at school. Some kids have difficulty with misperception, says Mizell, which can make them think they have been bullied when a perceived slight was unintentional.

If parents suspect bullying behavior toward their child, they should talk to the designated anti-bullying representative at their school, says Stuart Green, LCSW, Director of the New Jersey Coalition for Bullying Awareness and Prevention. Often schools will say they’re investigating an incident, but they don’t say exactly what’s happening because of student privacy policies, notes Josh Kershenbaum, a lawyer for Frankel Kershenbaum, a Bryn Mawr, PA, law firm that represents kids with special needs.

As a result, addressing the issue with the bully’s parents may have a greater effect, he suggests.

During an IEP meeting with school representatives, parents should discuss the ‘hidden curriculum,’ advises Mizell, meaning the unwritten social rules for school success, such as what kids are wearing and what they talk about. This helps kids with weak social skills avoid unwittingly making faux pas at school.

Parents can also ask staff to identify the “helper” kid in their child’s class and point out that student to their child.

What Schools Can Do According to a Dear Colleague letter on the bullying of students with disabilities, issued by the U.S. Department of Education in October 2014, schools have a responsibility to stop bullying once they know about it, says Kershenbaum. While not a law, this recommendation tells school districts how to approach bullying.

Hurd igh

les

“Schools in general don’t do a good job educating kids about disabilities,” says Green. But the biggest missing piece in the bullying issue is peer support, he notes. Kids tend to fear what they don’t understand, says Sherrie Sponseller, a consultant with the PA Tourette Syndrome Alliance, and as 14-year-old Megan reports from her own experience, once kids do understand a disability, much of the negativity seems to disappear.

H

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“A lot of people would push me and make fun of me,” says Megan, 14, a ninth grader from West Chester, PA, with Tourette syndrome. “The girls would say, ‘It’s fake.

It’s really annoying,’” Megan remembers. They would give her dirty looks and make her feel uncomfortable, reports Megan’s mom, Heidi R., because they mistook her Tourette tics for intentional acts.

The PA Tourette Syndrome Alliance came to Megan’s middle school for peer training. This educational program seemed to help the student body understand that Megan cannot control her vocal and physical tics. “Once the kids understand, it helps reduce bullying and teasing,” says Sponseller, and nice kids who understand then come to the rescue in a bullying situation.

“Take bullying very seriously,” advises Kershenbaum.

“Getting intervention early is really key,” he says.

Cyberbullying Kids with special needs “definitely are on the receiving end of cyberbullying,” says Fogel. “It is a rising issue,” he asserts, especially among high-functioning kids with special needs because “they’re trying to keep up with other kids, so they have Facebook and cell phones.” Parents of children with special needs should keep no less of a watchful eye on their kids’ use of electronic devices as they do or would for typical siblings to ensure responsible use.

Suzanne Koup-Larsen is a freelance writer whose work has appeared in MetroKids, New York Parenting, Washington Parent, and Sacramento Parent.

April 2020 WNY Family 41

F

rom the moment you heard the diagnosis, you knew life would be more challenging for your child than for most. So when you ask him to do something and it’s not done, you let it go. Does he really need you to point out his limitations? Or maybe you fear that what you’d like him to do, or not do, is impossible for him to achieve.

old dressed each morning? Sharing experiences will give you a way to measure your expectations and learn which behaviors are related to your child’s diagnosis and which are purely developmental.

You also might pick up some helpful tips about how to handle the behavior you are noticing.

If you have trouble finding parents of kids with similar challenges, consider joining an online support or advocacy group for families of kids with special needs.

Once you know what is typical behavior for your child’s age and health challenges, you can set realistic behavioral expectations.

But here’s the truth: If you feel that your son or daughter doesn’t deserve discipline, it’s like telling your child, “I don’t believe you can learn.” And if you don’t believe it, how will your child?

What experts call “behavior management” is not about punishing or demoralizing your child. Instead, it’s a way to set boundaries and communicate expectations in a nurturing, loving way. Discipline — correcting kids’ actions, showing them what’s right and wrong, what’s acceptable and what’s not — is one of the most important ways that all parents can show their kids that they love and care about them.

Disciplining Your Child with Special Needs

Here are some strategies to help parents discipline a child who has special needs.

Be Consistent

The benefits of discipline are the same whether kids have special needs or not. In fact, kids who have trouble learning respond very well to discipline and structure. But for this to work, parents have to make discipline a priority and be consistent.

Correcting kids is about establishing standards — whether that’s setting a morning routine or dinnertime manners — and then teaching them how to meet those expectations. All kids, regardless of their needs and abilities, crave this consistency. When they can predict what will happen next in their day, they feel confident and safe.

Yes, they will test these boundaries — all kids do. But it’s up to you to affirm 42 WNY Family April 2020

that these standards are important and let your child know that you believe he or she can meet them.

Learn About Your Child’s Condition

To understand your child’s behavior, you have to understand the things that affect it — including his or her condition. So no matter what challenge your child faces, try to learn as much about the unique medical, behavioral, and psychological factors that affect his or her development.

Read up on the condition and ask the doctor about anything you don’t understand. Also talk to members of your child’s care team and other parents (especially those with kids who have similar issues) to help determine if your child’s challenging behavior is typical or related to his or her individual challenges. For example, can another parent relate to the trouble you have getting your 5-year-

Defining Expectations

Establishing rules and discipline are a challenge for any parent. So keep your behavior plan simple and work on one challenge at a time. And as your child meets one behavioral goal, he or she can strive for the next one. Here are some pointers.

1) Use Rewards and Consequences

Work within a system that includes rewards (positive reinforcement) for good behavior and natural consequences for bad behavior. Natural consequences are punishments that are directly related to the behavior. For example, if your child is throwing food, you would take away the plate.

But not every kid responds to natural consequences, so you might have to match the consequence to your child’s values. For instance, a child with autism who likes to be alone might consider a traditional “time out” rewarding — instead, take away a favorite toy or video game for a period of time.

After correcting your child for doing something wrong, offer a substitute behavior. So if your child is talking too loudly or hitting you to get your attention, work on replacing that with an appropriate behavior such as saying or

signaling “help me” or getting your attention in appropriate ways, such as tapping your shoulder. Active ignoring is a good consequence for misbehavior meant to get your attention. This means not rewarding bad behavior with your attention (even if it’s negative attention, like scolding or yelling).

2) Use Clear and Simple Messages Communicate your expectations to your child in a simple way. For kids with special needs, this may require more than just telling them. You may need to use pictures, role playing, or gestures to be sure your child knows what he or she is working toward.

Keep verbal and visual language simple, clear, and consistent. Explain as simply as possible what behaviors you want to see. Consistency is key, so make sure that grandparents, babysitters, siblings, and teachers are all on board with your messages.

3) Offer Praise Encourage accomplishment by reminding your child about what he or she can earn for meeting the goals you’ve set, whether it’s getting stickers, screen time, or listening to a favorite song. And be sure to praise and reward your child for effort as well as success. So a child who refuses to poop in the toilet may be rewarded for using a potty near the toilet.

Another strategy: practice “timein” — when you catch your child doing something right, praise him or her for it.

In certain cases, time-in can be more effective than punishment, because kids naturally want to please their parents. By getting credit for doing something right, they’ll likely want to do it again.

she needs to have a snack first and then do homework before playtime.

Charts can be helpful. If your child is non-verbal or pre-verbal, draw pictures or use stickers to indicate what comes next. Set a schedule that’s realistic and encourage input from your child where appropriate.

5) Believe in Your Child If, after taking his first few steps, your little one kept falling down, would you get him some crutches or a wheelchair? No. So don’t do the same with a child with special needs. Maybe your child can’t put on his or her shoes the first time, or 10th time, but keeps trying.

Encourage that!

When you believe your child can do something, you empower him or her to reach that goal. The same is true for behavior. For example, if your child is too aggressive when playing with other kids, don’t stop the play altogether. Instead, work with your child to limit the physicality of the play. You may want to plan for non-physical activities during play dates, like arts and crafts projects.

Use discipline where necessary in the form of time-outs, enforced turn-taking, and rules like “no touching” — and provide rewards when your wishes are met.

Whatever you do, don’t give up on your child when the going gets tough.

Bad behavior that’s ignored in the early

years can become unbearable, even dangerous, in the teen years and adulthood.

Be patient and take the time to work with your child to help reach his or her best potential. Your vote of confidence is sometimes all your child needs to succeed.

6) Have Confidence in Your Abilities Discipline is an exhausting undertaking. There will be good days when you’re amazed by your child’s progress, bad days when it seems like all your hard work was forgotten, and plateaus where it seems like further progress is impossible. But remember this: Behavior management is a challenge for all parents, even those of kids who are typically developing. So don’t give up!

If you set an expectation in line with your child’s abilities, and you believe he or she can accomplish it, odds are it will happen. If your efforts don’t result in changes, talk to your child’s doctor, therapist, or behavior specialist to help reach your goals. He or she can work with you to develop a behavior plan that’s tailored to your child’s special needs.

This information was provided by KidsHealth®, one of the largest resources online for medically reviewed health information written for parents, kids, and teens. For more articles like this, visit KidsHealth.org or TeensHealth.org. © 1995-2020. The Nemours Foundation/ KidsHealth®. All rights reserved.

4) Establish a Routine Children with certain conditions, like autism and ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), respond particularly well to discipline that’s based on knowing exactly what will happen next.

So try to stick to the same routine every day. For example: If your child tends to melt down in the afternoon after school, set a schedule for free time. Maybe he or April 2020 WNY Family 43

— by Meagan Ruffing

Getting Back to Me: 5 Ways to Reclaim Your Pre-Mom Self

I

t’s easy to lose ourselves after having kids. The dreams we once had are long forgotten and the inner drive to be our personal best gets put on the back burner as priorities change. The question, “Who am I?” becomes a life-long quest for personal happiness and what used to make us happy no longer does.

However our lives change when kids enter the scene, our core is still the same. We are still those same people who like to scrapbook, go for a run and eat ice cream. Starting a family doesn’t have to be the end all be all of your identity; it just takes a little time to get it back.

There are several ways you can reclaim your pre-mom self. With a little prodding and much delight, you will be amazed at how wonderful it feels to get back to you.

1) Music has a way of taking

you back to a moment in time that may have been stored away to make room for those precious firsts with your child.

A sure-fire way to steal back a piece of what used to blast within the confines of your car is to find those old CDs from high school and college, and enjoy the fact that you can still sing your favorites word-for- word.

2) Working out isn’t nec-

essarily something that everyone enjoys 44 WNY Family April 2020

to do but, maybe you did a marathon back in your glory days? Or maybe you used to enjoy taking yoga and then taking a relaxing bath to cleanse away the day? Look into the programs at your local gym and consider reemerging into the healthy ways you used to take care of yourself.

An hour of mindfulness is wonderful after a long day at home with your children.

3) Reconnecting

with old friends can fill a hole in our hearts that we had forgotten all about. If there is someone from your past, pre-marriage, pre-kids, pre-adult life that you miss and would consider reaching out to, go for it.

Surrounding yourself with people who lift you up, love you, and want the best for you can remind you that there is only one you and you have a lot to offer.

Maybe there’s an apology you need to give to make amends or maybe you’re the one holding on to a life-long grudge.

Whatever the situation, rid yourself of any negativity and reconnect with someone you want in your life.

4) Make a bucket list.

This is by far one of the best pieces of

advice someone can give you. If you don’t have one, make one. If you made one a long time ago (life before kids), look back at the things you used to want to accomplish, cross off any that you have finished and add a few new things that you would like to see happen. This is such a fun and tangible way to get back to you.

5) Hobbies can be a thing

of the past when you have kids. Who has time for anything other than wiping runny noses and potty-training? Those early days with little ones can feel like a never-ending series of one, long, day.

All of those times you stayed up to care for your baby and tuck your toddler in just one more time will soon be a thing of the past. As your kids start to get older, carve out small chunks of time when you can and start taking up hobbies you used to enjoy or try a new one.

It’s okay to enjoy doing the things you used to like to do before starting a family. It can be fun to uncover the layers of the person you used to be and probably, have always been. Motherhood is exhausting, amazing, but… exhausting. Take one moment for yourself and turn that into two moments, and three, and so on. It will make you a better mom, a better friend, and a better person all-around, and who doesn’t want that?

Meagan Ruffing is a parenting journalist and author of her debut book “I See You: Helping Moms Go from Overwhelmed to In Control.” She continues to find new ways each day to get to know her former self while raising her three young children, one of whom has special needs.

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INVISIBLE DISABILITIES continued... to anxiety and depression. Thoughtless comments can sometimes ‘undo’ progress that has been made.”

You’re An Advocate

Family RESOURCE Guide A Resource Guide for Busy Families

In our Print & Digital Edition, choose from a basic line listing, display ad, or for more visibility choose a “Spotlight” advertorial.

Parents of kids with invisible disabilities are not just responsible for feeding, clothing, loving, disciplining, and teaching their kids. They must also advocate for their kids in a system that does not always have their best interests at heart.

One mom, who preferred to remain anonymous, described the challenge of having a 12-year-old son who has ADHD and a learning disability. She described his teachers’ low expectations, recalling an Individualized Education Program (IEP) meeting where a teacher was clearly impressed with her son’s “C”, “and how great that was ‘for a kid on an IEP.’” To compensate for his teachers’ low expectations, she says she always reminds her son “[he] is smart and his IQ reflects that. There is no reason he shouldn’t be able to get an “A”… if he is provided with the right services.” She also described a general lack of understanding of her son’s ADHD diagnosis among his teachers, which she feels causes them to set unreasonably high expectations of him in other areas, such as his ability to get organized or follow a schedule.

Delaina Baker, whose son is dyslexic and has auditory processing disorder, described similar struggles with her son’s school. She says she wishes teachers were more accommodating of his IEP. Says Baker, “It is my right to fight for my child and if you challenge my knowledge of his disability, I can assure you, I’ll have a spreadsheet, charts, and back-up data to prove it.” She says she is grateful to have found an ally in her son’s Exceptional Student Education (ESE) coordinator, whom she feels is her son’s only advocate beside herself.

Parenting is hard enough without adding other people’s assumptions to the equation. Parents of kids with invisible disabilities just want the world to know, it’s only okay to assume one thing: They and their kids are doing the best they can.

Pam Moore is a Colorado freelance writer who has written for The Washington Post, Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, and many others. This article was originally published on Parent Co.

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KEEP YOUR KIDS OCCUPIED continued... spare them!) and wrap your kids up like mummies (without covering the nose and mouth area). For a fun competition with several family members, split the group up into teams where one person volunteers to be the mummy while the other does the wrapping. The team that can wrap their mummy the fastest and the neatest wins.

5) Put on an airshow with popsicle stick airplanes. All you’ll need for this creative craft is popsicle sticks, a cutting tool, craft glue or a hot glue gun, and paint if you’re not already using colored popsicle sticks. Find age-appropriate tutorials online to guide your child as she cuts and glues popsicle sticks to create toy airplanes. You can add a propeller to the airplane by twisting pipe cleaner around the nose of the aircraft. For added fun, create a runway by taping sheets of construction paper together along a table or floor or by laying down a strip of cardboard complete with runway markings.

6) Hold an art show. Grab smocks for your kids and spread out watercolors and brushes, crayons, markers, and colored pencils on a table along with poster board and construction paper. Provide glue sticks and safety scissors to allow for added artistic touches.

Once your little artists have created their masterpieces, hang up the artwork and host an art show complete with glasses of apple juice “champagne” and hor d’oeuvres.

7) Make Play-Doh come to life. Kids will enjoy following any of the numerous YouTube tutorials showing them how to make Play-Doh animal creations such as turtles, crocodiles, and unicorns, and a Play-Doh park scene featuring trees, flowers, and a duck pond.

8) Bring out your child’s inner chef. Kids of all ages love to make their own food. Give your child an apron and set up a toppings bar to make your own pizza or your own ice cream sundaes. Other kid-friendly foods you can easily find recipes for online to make together or let your older child make alone are Emoji-inspired rice cakes, berry parfaits with yogurt and granola, and no bake cookies.

9) Expand your child’s knowledge with easy science experiments. Amaze your children while having them brush up on their science skills with these easy science experiments that you can do in your own home and with products you likely already have. Click on the “Experiments” section of sciencebob.com to learn how to do such simple scientific experiments as: make ice cream in a plastic bag, build a soap-powered model boat, create blobs in a bottle that look like lava lamps, and make a static-powered dancing ghost.

10) Relax with low-key, family-bonding activities. If your day at home is better-suited for more low-key family activities, consider starting a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle that you and your child can work on and frame and hang once completed. Older children may be interested in starting a scrapbook or smash book with you. Other ideas for low-key fun for children of all ages are playing Mad Libs as a family, building a Lego village together, or playing tried-and-true family-friendly board games such as Clue, Monopoly, Scrabble, Chutes and Ladders, or Candyland.

During this time of uncertainty when anxieties are running high, make the best of a bad situation with these fun and familyfriendly activities that will help keep your child busy and help keep you a little calmer.

Dolores Smyth is a parenting writer and mother of three kids ranging in age from preschool to junior high. Dolores knows a thing or two about keeping kids of different ages busy when school is unexpectedly canceled. You can follow more of her work on Twitter @LolaWordSmyth.

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FED UP CAMPAIGN continued... tion and jaundice, a small percentage can develop bilibrubin encephalopathy, a disabling condition that accounts for as many as 15 percent of newborn deaths worldwide.

Because moms often aren’t aware that their hungry babies are in distress, says del Castillo-Hegyi, undernourished newborns can risk damage to the brain and other vital organs. Fed is Best’s parent resources (see their website) are aimed at helping mothers prevent and respond to a medical emergency, she says.

Supporting Healthy Families Though Baby-Friendly Hospitals commit to support breastfeeding, their intent is never to pressure or shame mothers for their feeding choices, says Salmon. “All babies are monitored closely and given supplements if needed. The health of the mother and the baby always come first.”

“A lot of moms are struggling with exclusive breastfeeding, and we want them to know it’s okay to give your baby formula,” says Stevens. “In the end, we all have the same goal.”

Thanks to support she received from Fed is Best, Ashlee Todd and six-month-old Lincoln are both thriving. “Ironically, now I produce plenty of milk, but it took a couple of weeks before I had a full supply.”

“At the hospital, I felt like they forgot about me, as the mom,” she says. “All I really needed was some compassion.”

48 WNY Family April 2020

Malia Jacobson is a nationally published, award-winning journalist specializing in health and family topics. Her work is frequently featured on television and in publications and news outlets including Women’s Health magazine, Pregnancy & Newborn, YAHOO Shine, MSN Health, the TODAY Show, and TODAY Moms.

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Daughter

& d a D

Dcuns

D

by Patrick and J.L. Hempfing

“

ad, may I borrow the car keys?” This question is not far off as my daughter, Jessie, wants to drive as soon as possible.

During summer trips to her grandparents’ farm, Jessie has enjoyed driving their golf cart up and down their farm lane and through the fields. Jessie likes to put the pedal to the metal. She hits the potholes in both the dirt road and the fields, and turns the wheel so sharply that passengers must hang on or bounce out. I rationalized, though, that her experience driving a golf cart would make it more comfortable for me to eventually turn the car keys over to her. Now that the time is getting closer, I’m pretty sure that won’t be the case. Jessie, what are your thoughts about driving?

Jessie, Age 12 I can’t wait to drive! I plan to get my learner’s permit on my fifteenth birthday, so that on my sixteenth birthday I can get my driver’s license. I think it would be good for me to drive as I can drive myself to school and dance. I can also make the occasional trip to the supermarket to pick up groceries. Dad doesn’t want me to drive. He would be immensely scared with his baby behind the wheel.

He doesn’t plan to let me get my license until I am much older. I would save him time by being able to drive. Now let’s get back to Dad to hear his point of view.

Even though I might not like it, I’m proud that Jessie has goals and the confidence to go after them. Yet, Jessie writes that I still think of her as my “baby.” Even though she has grown into a wonderful young lady, it’s hard for me to adjust to seeing her that way. The time went too fast.

50 WNY Family April 2020

A Short Drive to Fifteen It seems not long ago I was strapping her into her car seat in the back of the vehicle. Before I knew it, she was big enough to ride in front with me. I like this arrangement, because it’s easier for us to talk as I chauffer her to and from her activities. She likes it, too, as she has become dictator of the car radio from the front passenger seat. Yet, in a little over two years, it will be time for me to move to the passenger seat, and she’ll replace me behind the wheel.

In my heart I know this is the right way for things to go. She is a responsible young lady and as a responsible parent I need to help her grow into an independent adult, not hold her back because I miss her younger years. But my brain races to find valid excuses to delay.

“Jessie, you’re too short.” No, she already stands 5’6”. Dang, why did she have to have such a tall dad? “Your feet are too small.” No, her feet are longer than her mother’s and can cover the gas

pedal and brake with ease. I’m out of luck using Jessie’s physical attributes as an excuse to delay driving.

I could use a physical attribute for me. “Jessie, your dad’s heart is too weak to teach you to drive.” No, my resourceful daughter would simply find a different adult to sit beside her while she drives with her learner’s permit. Her mom would even enjoy it.

Jessie’s a good student, so I can’t use her grades as an excuse. And she’s pretty good about doing her chores.

Maybe I could get my wife, Mattie, to object? No, that would never happen.

Jessie gets her independence from her mother, who talked her parents into letting her get her learner’s permit and driver’s license at the earliest possible age. Plus, I want to take the high road… just a road that doesn’t have my daughter behind the wheel.

Jessie will always be my baby whether she’s 15, 16, 18, or middleaged. For now, I’m just going to enjoy the tween years. There’s still time before I switch seats with her. At least when that happens, I’ll get to pick the songs on the radio as Jessie will have both her hands on the steering wheel — in the 10 and 2 o’clock position.

But no matter who drives or changes the music, one thing is certain ’tween daughter and dad, I love my girl and my girl loves me.

Until next month, remember to cherish the moments.

Patrick Hempfing had a 20-year professional career in banking, accounting, and auditing before he became a father at age 44. He is now a full-time husband, stay-at-home dad, and writer. Follow Patrick at http://patrickhempfing.com.

J. L. Hempfing, now 15, began writing with her dad in kindergarten. Her current hobbies include playing clarinet, saxophone, and piano. She also enjoys marching in her high school band. If you enjoyed this column, you’ll like Patrick’s first book, MoMENts: A Dad Holds On. The book compiles favorite stories and new material and is available for sale on Amazon.

— by Kirsten Hawkes

PARENT PREVIEWS –

Making Media Entertainment An Easier Choice For Families

The Song of Names PG-13 OVERALL RATING:

A-

SONY PICTURES CLASSICS Released on DVD: March 24, 2020

Violence: (B) A boy steals a milk bottle. Boys push and shove each other. Boys pretend to have a fist fight in slow motion. There is mention of war, an invasion, and fighting. Air raid sirens go off. A boy goes into a bombed out house and sees a dead woman: only her arm and a small amount of blood are visible. He steals a bracelet off her arm. A boy mentions a firing squad. There is repeated mention of the people who died in concentration camps but there is no detail about their suffering. A man uses a knife to cut the tassels off his prayer shawl and destroy his skull cap while condemning God. A man punches another man repeatedly in the face: some blood is shown.

Sexual Content: (B-) Young boys play with cards that have pictures of naked women: the cards are briefly visible. They discuss the women’s bodies using slang anatomical terms. A boy is teased about spying on a woman who is undressing. A slang term for masturbation is used. A young man tells another one to “get laid.” A man and woman kiss on a few occasions. There is mention of a prior sexual relationship between an unmarried couple; no detail.

Profanity: (C) A main character uses three sexual expletives in a moment of great anger. A handful of crude words are used.

Alcohol / Drug Use: (C) Main characters smoke frequently throughout the film. Young boys are shown clandestinely smoking cigarettes. A husband and wife drink wine together on a few occasions. Characters are shown drinking socially: they appear to have had too much to drink but are not obviously intoxicated.

For additional information on this film’s content, visit www.parentpreviews.com

I

t’s 1951 and Dovidl Rapoport (Jonah Hauer King) is on the cusp of greatness. The gifted young violinist has released a record to rapturous acclaim and his premiere concert has sold out.

But as the orchestra and patrons shuffle in their seats, the star performer fails to appear.

Dov’s disappearance is devastating to his adopted English family. His Polish father (Jakub Kotynski) brought him to England prior to the war for safety and musical education and entrusted him to the care of music publisher Gilbert Simmonds (Stanley Townsend). Gilbert’s son, Martin (Misha Handley) and Dov (played as a child by Luke Doyle) are initially combative before becoming as close as brothers.

But when his bankrupt and devastated father dies shortly after the abortive concert, Martin is left with grief, anger, and questions that won’t rest.

Thirty-five years later, a middle-aged Martin (Tim Roth) sees a young violinist follow the same pre-performance ritual as his erstwhile brother. Jolted into the past, Martin realizes that Dov must be alive and sets out on a journey through his memories and across the world to find him and solve the mystery of his disappearance.

The Song of Names is a magnificent film; a poignant, eloquent story of love, grief, loss, and identity. This is not a story that will leave viewers unmoved. It peers deeply into the core of our humanity: our love for family, our need to belong, the strength of community, and the power and

pathy for those who suffer. And hopefully it can inspire all of us to say “never again” and commit to building a world where weaponized hate and its bitter fruits are inconceivable.

TALK ABOUT THE MOVIE WITH YOUR FAMILY…

dignity that come from the remembrance of those we’ve lost.

Given the film’s subject, parents will be relieved to note that negative content is comparatively minor and sanitized. Although World War II and the Holocaust are critical themes in the story, no graphic violence appears on screen. The effects of these horrific events are the central theme of the movie, which is permeated with loss and grief. Some parents may object to the playing cards with naked women on them, which are briefly seen, or to the three sexual expletives that comprise the film’s swearing.

And they might be unhappy with the show’s ubiquitous smoking, especially when the boys sneak off to smoke cigarettes. But none of this content is extreme and this movie is certainly suitable for most teens.

In fact, The Song of Names isn’t just suitable for teens, it’s exactly the kind of film they should see. In its unsparing look at the price of hate; in its deep dive into the dark well of anguish and grief, this movie has the ability to help teens develop em-

Remembering history is critically important. What is the cost of remembering?

What is the value? To learn more about the Holocaust, visit the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum (https:// www.ushmm.org) and The World Holocaust Remembrance Center (https://www. yadvashem.org/).

WATCH AT HOME… It’s almost impossible to imagine the number of people killed by the Nazi’s Final Solution. The documentary Paper Clips tells the story of a group of students in Tennessee who decided to collect six million paper clips so they could envision the scope of the Holocaust and remember those who died.

Why is it so important to remember the most painful parts of our past? In Denial, a historian is sued by a Holocaust denier who claims she has slandered him by treating his claims derisively. This film is a powerful tale of standing up for the truth of the past, even when it is harrowing.

In post-war Germany, people are determined to forget the Third Reich. But when a young prosecutor learns that Nazis are living comfortably, without facing justice, he begins an exploration into the Holocaust that horrifies him in Labyrinth of Lies.

April 2020 WNY Family 51

DEAR TEACHER – by Peggy Gisler and Marge Eberts Helping all parents make their children’s educational experience as successful as possible

Secrets to Finding the Best Summer Camp

Q

uestion: How do I select the best camps for my children this summer? — Best Choices

Answer: Safety should be your number one concern. You need to begin your hunt for a great camp by asking questions to make sure that you are totally comfortable with the camps you select. It is true that all camps have risks, but there are definitely questions you should be asking.

The first one should be: What licenses or accreditations does a camp have? Accreditation is far more important, as state standards are only likely to relate to health, cleanliness and food service, which are obviously important. However, you want to find a camp accredited by the American Camp Association (acacamps. org) as it goes beyond state standards to camp staff, emergency management plans, health care and camp management. Finding accredited camps will narrow your choices to good choices.

The next question to consider is what type of camp is most suitable for your child. Should it be coed or a girls’ or boys’ only one? Decide which one would make your child more relaxed about social interactions. Then there is the question of whether a local day camp or an overnight one would work best for your child.

important skills for young children to acquire, and, as a matter of fact, for children at all levels to have.

Some games obviously teach skills. For example, the Memory™ game can increase young children’s attention span and memory. Then there are games that employ problem-solving skills such as Chinese Checkers and Yahtzee™. And Clue™ helps children learn to use information to solve problems. And there is nothing like Chutes and Ladders™ to help children learn to deal with frustration and failure.

How to Opt-Out of Standardized Testing Question: There definitely is too much standardized testing going on in our schools today. I have heard that some parents across the country are having their children opt out of standardized testing. Is that really an option? — Too Many Tests Answer: Criticism of standardized testing has been a hot topic for debate for years. The opt-out movement has not been around for very long — only picking up momentum since 2014.

The federal Every Student Succeeds Act recognizes a parent’s right to refuse testing in states or districts with opt-out laws. All you have to do is send the principal a letter requesting that your children not take a specific standardized test and ask for them to have a productive educational experience during that time. Some schools even have forms allowing you to do this.

You can learn a lot more about opting children out at the Fair Test website (fairtest.org/get-involved/opting-out). Before deciding to have your children opt-out of a test, you need to remember that years of research still show that standardized tests provide educators with needed critical information. They also give you a picture of how your children stack up against all the other children in the country in their grade.

Generally speaking, younger children (7 or 8 years old) are best at day camps.

Certainly, a very important consideration is to find a camp that offers activities that appeal to your child. Think about whether the child would like a camp geared primarily to a specific area like a sport, a computer skill or an academic subject, or one that has a wide variety of typical summer activities.

After studying camp brochures, do not finalize your camp decision until you have talked to the camp director to find out more about the camp, from the staff-to-camper ratio to how many campers return each year, as well as emergency concerns and visitation opportunities. Another very important consideration is taking into account exactly what your children would like to find in a summer camp. This is likely to result in a decision that is best for them.

Board Games Are Not Just Fun!

Question: We play a lot of board games in our family. Are they possibly teaching our kids anything? — For Learning Answer: Board Games may not all be educational in nature, but they certainly are teaching your children a great number of things. They are definitely rehearsing lifetime skills that will carry over to the classroom and beyond. Your children are practicing taking turns, playing by the rules, problem solving and handling frustration when they lose. These are extremely 52 WNY Family April 2020

Getting Conversation Started at Family Dinners Question: We always hear about the great benefits of family dinners. But what do we talk about when the TV and phones are off with a teen and a preschooler? — Silent Meals Answer: Research definitely shows the benefits of family dinners, especially when families eat together at least four times a week. At your dinner table, you can model healthy dinnertime conversation without any outside distractions. To break the silence at your family dinner tonight, here are some conversational starters: 

It’s easy to begin every meal by each family member telling one thing that they did that day, even if it is what they had for lunch or where they ate.



What would you like to do this weekend?



Is anything special happening at school this week?



Did anything different happen today?



What is the most interesting thing you know about your grandparents?

Parents should send questions and comments to dearteacher@ dearteacher.com or to the Dear Teacher website.

rhyme with the rhyming word written in matching colors, it will encourage budding readers to connect words and print while enjoying all the ways to eat matzah. Eaten with yogurt, jam, fruit, cheese, for breakfast, lunch, or dinner — some just can’t get enough! Why not make your own matzah to go along with this book? There are many versatile recipes that can be found at https://www. myrecipes.com/holidays-and-occasions/ passover-recipes/matzo-recipes-forpassover.

PICK OF THE LITERATURE — by Dr. Donna Phillips

A

pril! Everything is on the move again! The warm sun is waking up the plants and trees. Birds are returning from their wintering grounds and their songs are filling the air. Animals have emerged from their hibernations and people are out walking, running, biking, and working in the yard. The hope and rebirth that spring brings heralds Passover and Easter. Soon daffodils and crocuses with be sharing their colors, and hyacinths will be sharing their perfume. Green grass and pastel colors will join with the sounds and smells of spring, and warmer breezes will invite us all to join them.

Knowing April showers bring May flowers, we can still enjoy those rainy days through books that will help us better appreciate all the activities taking place this month.

Dr. Seuss and his rambunctious characters, Thing 1 and Thing 2, help us celebrate spring in the new board book Spring Things (Random House, New York, 2020, $8.99). In usual Seuss style, this simple book is easy to read and also encourages the youngest ones to “read along.” It is also an interactive book that might invite them into acting it out! Worms wriggle, frogs hop, butterflies flutter. Playing in the mud, flying kites, flowers, ducklings, chicks, and all of the many spring things to see and do are here. This book is the perfect way to

welcome spring into your family!

The Easter season makes us think of bunnies, chicks, flowers, and farm animals. The four bouncing bunnies in Hop Little Bunnies (Bloomsbury Books, New York, 2020, $17.99), written by Martha Mumford and illustrated by Laura Hughes, takes us on a romp across the countryside with a lift the flap, interactive nursery-style rhyme book. With each turn of the page we meet new animals and lift the flaps to wake them up. The repeated greeting on the underside of each flap will have everyone reading along with this delightful springtime adventure. This is a book that could be taken outdoors to read or even extended to the actual life outside where you could wake up plants, bugs, and birds!

For those celebrating Passover, the board book I Love Matzah (Kar-Ben Publishing, Minneapolis, 2020, $6.99), written by Freidele Galya Soban Biniashvili and illustrated by Angelika Scudmore, will come in handy. Written in

The spring season is part of the great migration that takes place across the globe, as birds and animals return to their breeding and summering grounds. Migration: Incredible Animal Journeys (Bloomsbury Books, New York, 2019, $18.99), written by Mike Unwin and illustrated by Jenni Desmond, is a beautifully painted book with fascinating facts about the animals that can walk, swim, or fly thousands of miles to reach their destination. From the tiniest bird to the whale, and all sizes in between, they cross deserts, oceans, mountains, and continents to get to their place of origin. The map at the end of this book makes their travels all the more real and mind-boggling, and adds even more details about their incredible journeys.

As always, there are many books like these at your local library, bookstore, or online that will be the perfect choice for ushering in spring for you and your family. Books that help connect ideas and actions are wonderful to get us moving again and ready for the summer events to come!

Dr. Donna Phillips is an associate professor in the College of Education at Niagara University where her specialty is literacy and children’s literature. She lives on Grand Island, NY and is the mother of two adult children and grandmother of one.

April 2020 WNY Family 53

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~ Advanced Registration Required ~

CAMP CRABAPPLE

Registration is open to youths 4-14 years of age who have a developmental disability.

~ Advanced Registration Required ~

CAMP JI-IK-DO-WAH-GAH

Registration is open to youths 4-12 years of age who have a learning disability, speech impairment, ADHD/ADD or an emotional disability

~ Advanced Registration Required ~

Cheektowaga Youth & Recreational Services

275 Alexander Avenue • Cheektowaga, NY 14211 For Registration Information Call:

716-897-7205

54 WNY Family April 2020

STORYBOOK DANCE CAMP Ages 3-6

MUSICAL THEATRE CAMPS Ages 7+

BALLET INTENSIVE WORKSHOP

2 Years ballet training required Beginning, Intermediate, Advanced Two Locations:

Elmwood Village and Village of Williamsville

Check our website at BalletBuffalo.com for details or call us at 716-883-4510

“Special things happen when children and horses are brought together”

Does your child struggle with social or behavioral challenges?

SUMMIT CAN HELP!

Five-week summer treatment programs:

Buffalo Equestrian Center

• Two specialized, evidence-based summer programs for children and teens with ADHD or autism spectrum disorder

Sign Up Now for

2020 SUMMER CAMP

• Structured daily schedules; social, behavior, and academic skills training; all in a fun camp setting

4 Weekly Sessions

• Supervised by NYS licensed psychologists with expertise in ADHD and Autism

7-12 YEAR-OLD CAMP: July 21-24; July 28-31; August 4-7

5 & 6 YEAR-OLD CAMP: August 4-7

English Riding lessons year–round in our Indoor/outdoor facilities Ages 6-Adult

Call for more info: 716.877.9295 www.buffaloequestriancenter.org 950 Amherst Street, Buffalo, NY 14216 Email: becandbtrc@aol.com

Applications available on-line. Enroll today!

To learn more or to register visit www.TheSummitCenter.org or call

(716) 629-3400

April 2020 WNY Family 55

g n i n ear L o t SUMMER Links Special Advertising Section

SUMMER CAMP

www.apot-wny.com 716-874-6175

All day innovative camp, ages 5-10 ~ ACTIVITIES DESIGNED AND LED BY THERAPISTS ~

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SUMMER CAMP

MSM

Day Care Mount St. Mary Day Care Serving the Community for over 30 Years!

~ Ages 18 months to 12 years ~ • Daily Field Trips • Sports & Swimming • Picnics, Crafts & Games

Call

877-3464 Today!

855 Englewood • Tonawanda, NY

www.msmdaycare.org

Children In Action

GYMNASTICS RE N Sp GIST OW rin ER g & IN Su G fo mm r er

ACTIVE Children are HEALTHY Children

OUR PROGRAM FEATURES: • Gymnastics • Birthday Parties • Tumbling for children 12 months to 12 years old • Parent and Tot Classes • Exciting Circuit • Scaled down equipment for younger children

Call 662-6886 75 Mid County Drive, Orchard Park (Located in the Southtowns Tennis Center)

www.childreninactiongym.com 56 WNY Family April 2020

summer www.negliaballet.org

ENROLL TODAY 447-0401

BALLET FOR AGES 3 - ADULT

JUNE 29 - JULY 10 JUNE 29 - JULY 31 AUGUST 24 - 28 MONDAYS 5:45pm

Ballet Workshop (ages 8 - 12) Summer Intensive (ages 12+) Storytime Explorers (ages 5 - 8) Adult Ballet (year round)

And don’t miss these FREE workshops JULY 1, 8, 15, 22, 29 JUNE 29 - JULY 10

Whirl & Twirl / Choreo (ages 3 - 8) Boys Dance Too! (ages 8 - 13)

6th Floor TriMain Center Buffalo 14214

Award Winning Academy of Theatre Arts 2020 Summer Programs at the ATA Theatre

- As 2019 award winners of NYS Theatre Guide’s “Best Theatre Education Program for YoungArtists” and “Best of 2019 Theatres Williamsville”, we are proud to use theatre as a platform to teach and promote excellence in public speaking, self-esteem, confidence, and personal excellence to a generation who now needs these skills more than ever before!

www.academyoftheatrearts.com

Broadway Babies ($150)

August 10th-14th – 9:00-12:00pm – Ages 2-4

Students work on public speaking and confidence on stage through dramatic play and story telling. At the end of the week students put on a dramatic reading of a story book!

Broadway at ATA ($450)

July 6th-17th – 9:00-4:00pm – Ages 12 and up

You don’t want to miss this fun and exciting program here at ATA! This camp, strictly for older theatre performers, will consist of intensive voice, theatre and dance workshops. We also put a focus on public speaking, team building and problem solving during this camp; skills the students can use throughout their lives! Students will learn what it takes to put on a musical not only on stage but off stage as well. Students will audition and be cast in the full musical production of “25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee”.

Our summer camps sell out very quickly, so sign up today!

Onstage at ATA - July 20th-July 31st New Session 12:00-4:00pm – Ages 12 & up ($200) 9:00-4:00pm – Ages 9-11 ($450)

Call 51 05 1 8 0 -day! to

This camp, for our middle school students, will consist of voice, theatre and dance workshops. We also put a focus on public speaking, team building and problem solving during this camp; skills the students can use throughout their lives! Throughout the two weeks students will also create their own musical as a team from the set, costumes, and musical numbers. Students will learn what it takes to put on a musical not only on stage but off stage as well. Students will audition and be cast in the full musical production of “Little Mermaid Jr.”.

Catch a Rising Star ($225)

August 3rd-7th or August 10th-14th or August 17th-21st 9:00-3:00pm – Ages 5-9 This popular one-week camp will allow you to be part of a fun-filled production of “Little Mermaid Jr.”. Join us for a week of singing, dancing and making new friends! In just one short week, students will learn lines, musical numbers and important team building skills. During this one week, we place an emphasis on public speaking and being comfortable stepping out of your comfort zone!

4231 Transit Road, Williamsville, NY 14221

To register or for more information please visit www.academyoftheatrearts.com/summer-at-ata/ or call 716-810-0551 April 2020 WNY Family 57

2 Summer Literacy Programs

One-to-one Tutoring & Half-day Camp

716-645-2470

buffalo.edu/clari ub-clari@buffalo.edu

Kenmore Schools DAY CAMP Franklin Middle School

Summer

Begins Monday, June 29th 8am – 4pm

• Swim Lessons • Golf Lessons • Tennis Lessons

2020

TOO MANY OTHER ACTIVITIES TO LIST!!!

All for less than $4.00/hr.

Ages 6 - 12

All Day Camp Counselors are NYS Certified Teachers

Call Ralph Critelli at 861-0648 or Register Online at:

Ktufsd.org/daycamp

Think Summer & Olympics Summer 9 WEEK PROGRAM Starts June 29th

• Quality Gymnastics: Ages 1-18yrs ~ Weekly Themes • Trampoline & Tumbling Classes: 7-18yrs • Open Tumble/Cheer Class July/Aug. - Mon. 8:45-9:45 pm • July/August Open Workouts - Wed. & Fri. 7:15-9 pm • Ninja Kids: Ages 4-11 • Returning!! Mini Camp! 2 or 3 days per week ages 3-10 70 Weiss Ave. • Orchard Park/West Seneca (Near Duff’s & Leisure Rinks) • 677-0338

www.gymnastics-unlimited.net

The Adirondack Mountains serve as the Backdrop for an Amazing SUMMER CAMP Experience!

Willsboro, NY

800.982.3538

Princess Camp Every little girl dreams of being a Princess.

Make her dreams come true at the

American Academy Princess Camp.

Rich in tradition and family-owned since 1905, Camp Pok-O-Moonshine for boys and Camp MacCready for girls provide a summer camp experience that mixes exciting summer adventures and new opportunities with great friends in a picturesque natural setting.

These opportunities are presented in a safe and supportive environment that fosters self-confidence, leadership and sportsmanship. Campers grow and experience more than they ever could at home. Being technology free enables campers to live in the moment and appreciate all elements of camp life, from the chorus of screen doors slamming in our rustic cabins, to gathering around our cobblestone fireplace of the dining hall.

OVERit3ie5s

Activ g: Includin

Trips Biking • Wilderness • Mountain Horseback Riding Sailing • Rock • & Climbing • • Theater MORE!

Come explore and learn what it means to have the “Pok-O” spirit.

~ ACA Accredited ~

www.pokomac.com 58 WNY Family April 2020

Our Princess Camp will enchant her with: Dance, Theatre Games, Etiquette, Tea Parties, Crafts, Princess Costumes, A Life Sized Cinderella Carriage & A Visit From Prince Charming Every Friday!

The weeks of

June 29th, July 6th

Register early! Both weeks filled up last summer.

All Classes are Grouped by Ages 4-8 491 West Klein at Hopkins, Williamsville

Call 688-4774 for more details

April 2020 WNY Family 59

YEAR-ROUND THEATRE CLASSES K-12 Nurturing the creativity of WNY youth for 48 years.

REGISTER TODAY for spring & summer sessions!

theatreofyouth.org 716.884-4400, ext. 304

four seasons Camp @ 9 mile island 1 Orbit Drive Nine Mile Island • Amherst

SUMMER SWIM CAMPS!

Become amer Super-Swim

www.fourseasonsfamily.com

60 WNY Family April 2020

ENROL NOW! L SPAC LIMITEE IS D!

Ages 3 to 13

ALL LEVELS WELCOME!

Price: $125.00

SWIM LESSONS Offered 7 Days A Week 90 Degree Water • 4:1 Ratio Adaptive Swim Lessons

• Swimming • Hiking • Field Trips • Arts & Crafts • In-house visitors and much more!

SEASONS Call 0 FOUR CHILDCARE CENTER & PRESCHOOL 4 1 1 1639 N. French Rd., Getzville, NY 14068 568-

Tuesday - Thursday 12:30pm to 2:30pm

Hopkins Square Plaza 1590 Hopkins Road • Amherst, NY

NO REGISTRATION FEES! Memberships start at $66

CALL OR VISIT OUR WEBSITE FOR MORE INFORMATION.

716-689-6777 | www.MPSVA.com

Over Year 20 s!

Finest Chess Instructors in the US Beginners thru Advanced • Coed 5-16

Modding, Networking & Hosting with Minecraft Kodu Adventure Style Platform Style

July 13th - 17th

Sail Buffalo

Junior Sailing Camp Ages: 7 - 18 Weekly Sessions

We Teach Sailing!

Enrollment is Open, Sign Up Now!

Sail Buffalo

Sailing School

info@sail-buffalo.com

716-432-6589 www.sail-buffalo.org April 2020 WNY Family 61

Special Advertising Section

REGISTER ONLINE @ DAVIDDEMARIE.COM ~ OR AT THE STUDIO ~ 10151 MAIN STREET, CLARENCE, NY 716.510.2531

EXPLORE the Ever-Evolving World of Technology this at Daemen!

HALF DAY WEEK LONG SESSIONS: July 6-10 July 20-24 July 27-31 August 3-7 August 10-14

8:30am-12pm and 1pm-4:30pm

Age s 8 -14

• Roblox • Game Design • Intro to Python • Web Design • RC Space Robots • 3D Animation • Photo Editing

4380 Main Street • Amherst NY

716-839-8571 www.daemen.edu/TechCamps

HORSE CAMP at Skibbereen Farm July through August • 9am-1pm

• Learn basic riding skills • Safety rules around horses • Horse care • Saddlery • Basic first aid

Cost: $325/Session

Registration Form Online

Skibbereen Farm

5142 Bussendorfer Road • Orchard Park, NY 14127

www.skibbereenfarm.com • 648-1908

62 WNY Family April 2020

Gentle and Caring Dentistry for Children & Youth Ages 1-21

s s e n l l e W Choices

Pediatric Dentistry 160 Elmwood Ave. • Buffalo, NY

716-436-2130

Accepting: Fidelis & Healthplex

1660 Hopkins Rd. • Getzville, NY

716-688-7721

APPOINTMENTS AVAILABLE WITHIN 48 HOURS

www.just4mepediatricdentistry.com

Coronavirus Disease – 2019 (COVID-19) and Children Source: CDC • National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases (NCIRD), Division of Viral Diseases (as of March 17, 2020) Q: What is the risk of my child becoming sick with COVID-19?

A: Based on available evidence, children do not appear to be at higher risk for COVID-19 than adults. While some children and infants have been sick with COVID-19, adults make up most of the known cases to date. You can learn more

about who is most at risk for health problems if they have COVID-19 infection on CDC’s current Risk Assessment page.

Q: How can I protect my child from COVID-19 infection?

You can encourage your child to help stop the spread of COVID-19 by teaching them to do the same things everyone should do to stay healthy. 

Clean hands often using soap and water or alcohol-based hand sanitizer



Avoid people who are sick (coughing and sneezing)



Clean and disinfect high-touch surfaces daily in household common areas (e.g. tables, hard-backed chairs, doorknobs, light switches, remotes, handles, desks, toilets, sinks)



Launder items including washable plush toys as appropriate in accordance with the manufacturer’s instructions. If possible, launder items using the warmest appropriate water setting for the items and dry items completely. Dirty laundry from an ill person can be washed with other people’s items.

You can find additional information on preventing COVID-19 at Prevention for 2019 Novel Coronavirus and at Preventing COVID-19 Spread in Communities. Additional information on how COVID-19 is spread is available at How COVID-19 Spreads.

Q: Are the symptoms of COVID-19 different in children than in adults?

A: No. The symptoms of COVID-19 are similar in children and adults. However, children with confirmed COVID-19 have generally presented with mild symptoms. Reported symptoms in children include cold-like symptoms, such as fever, runny nose, and cough. Vomiting and diarrhea have also been reported. It’s not known yet whether some children may be at higher risk for severe illness, for example, children with underlying medical conditions and special healthcare needs. There is much more to be learned about how the disease impacts children.

Q: Should children wear masks?

A: No. If your child is healthy, there is no need for them to wear a facemask. Only people who have symptoms of illness or who are providing care to those who are ill should wear masks.

April 2020 WNY Family 63

TWEENS & TEENS — by Myrna Beth Haskell

Teens Grapple with Divorce:

How their parents can help with this life change

A

dolescence is often a tumultuous time as teens slowly prepare for the adult world, coming to terms with their changing bodies and increasing responsibilities. When you add the upheaval that divorce inevitably brings to the family dynamic, a teen’s world — already filled with extremes — is quickly thrown into a tailspin. Even though teens are more independent than younger children, divorce can lead to devastating consequences because their parents are the glue holding everything together for them, and that glue seems to be disintegrating.

Depending on the circumstances, teens may have to adjust to additional life changes, such as a new school, new neighborhood, or varied living arrangements. Therefore, parents must try to focus on upholding a normal routine during a time when chaos and heartbreak can easily take over.

Easing the Transition Teens will likely experience myriad emotions after being told about an impending divorce, such as shock, anger, fear, loneliness, anxiety, despair, or a combination of feelings.

Parents should answer their teens’ questions and address their teens’ rapid64 WNY Family April 2020

ly changing feelings about the situation.

This can be quite difficult, since Mom and Dad are also experiencing anguish and an uncertainty about what the future holds.

Debbie Pincus, LMHC, a marriage and family therapist and creator of The Calm Parent: AM & PM program, advises, “Parents can ease their teens into

General Tips for Divorcing Parents: The following tips are provided

by HealthyChildren.org, from the American Academy of Pediatrics:  Let children know it’s okay to love both of you  Don’t pressure your children into taking sides  Refrain from making disparaging remarks about the other parent  Maintain secondary family relationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins on both sides of the family  Don’t use visitation as a means for punishing the noncustodial parent  Encourage an ongoing relationship with the other parent

this lifestyle change by committing themselves to behaving well with each other and being conscious to not pull their kids between them.” She says that parents should not criticize their spouse or ask teens to choose sides. “Teens need to feel good about both parents.” She also says that teens shouldn’t be made to feel as if they have to take care of their parents emotionally.

Amy Morin, LCSW, a psychotherapist and parenting teens expert, explains, “It’s important to have ongoing conversations with a teen about what changes to expect. She adds that sometimes just acknowledging that you understand your teen’s feelings can be a big help.

“Try not to change everything at once.

Instead, take the changes one step at a time,” she suggests.

Dealing with Major Changes Pincus counsels, “Teens should have flexibility and choice when it comes to visitation. Sometimes when the going gets tough at one home with one parent, the teen might want to live at the other parent’s home for a while.” She says that as long as there is no concern about neglect or abuse, parents should allow their teens some flexibility.

Morin recommends that parents keep their teens in the loop. “Giving teens advanced notice about major changes, such as moving or changing schools, is important. A teen who is grieving the divorce may struggle even more if she has to move away from friends or change schools all at the same time,” she warns.

Feelings of Guilt Be cognizant that a teen might feel he had something to do with the breakup of the family. According to KidsHealth. org (sponsored by Nemours Foundation), “Some kids feel guilty about what happened, or wish they had prevented arguments by cooperating more within the family, doing better with their behavior, or getting better grades.”

Therefore, parents should be sure to regularly let their teens know that the

divorce has nothing to do with anything their teens did. Instead, it has to do with the breakdown of the marital relationship.

Signs a Teen Can’t Handle the Change Morin advises, “Look for changes in behavior, such as increased social isolation or increased defiance.” Parents should also look for changes in mood.

“When a normally happy teen becomes sad and irritable, it could be a sign that she’s really struggling.” Morin says that if the divorce is interfering with your child’s education or social life, it should be considered a red flag.

“No matter what, the kids need to know and understand it is not about them or how much Mom and Dad love them. It’s about Mom and Dad not being able to sustain the relationship and that, for everyone’s sake, it’s better if they go their own way.”

Our Tradition: An Education for the Future, Values for Life

— John Keller, Earlville, NY “Always remember your children have the right to love BOTH parents equally. Love your children more than how much you dislike each other.”

— Therese McKenna, Hyde Park, NY

2020 OPEN HOUSES Tuesday, April 28th 9-11am Thursday, May 7th 5:30-7:30pm Tuesday, May 19th 9-11am

Other warning signs: 

Skipping school/sudden decrease in grades



Harming self



Isolation – no longer spends time with friends



Drug/alcohol abuse



Over eating/not eating



Shuts down and refuses to communicate

Myrna Beth Haskell is the author of “LIONS and TIGERS and TEENS: Expert advice and support for the conscientious parent just like you” (Unlimited Publishing, LLC). Her work has appeared in publications across the U.S. as well as internationally. Learn more at www.myrnahaskell.com.

Enrolling PreK 3 thru 8th grade for Fall 2020

@schoolsspp 5480 Main St. | Williamsville, NY 14221

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Seek Help Early On Morin points out that parents should seek help if concern over a teen’s behavioral or mood changes last more than a few weeks. She says that a teen’s depression or anxiety over a recent divorce is easier to treat in the early stages. “Parents should err on the side of caution and speak to their teen’s pediatrician or another mental health professional if they grow concerned about their child’s adjustment to the divorce.”

In order to be sure they can be there emotionally for their teens, parents should seek help and support for themselves as well.

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TIPS & TALES “I made sure to watch what I was saying about the divorce when the kids were around, and I didn’t bad-mouth their mother when they were around me.”

— Andy Bradford, Poughkeepsie, NY

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SINGLE PARENTING — by Diane C. Dierks, LMFT

High Conflict Families Spell Disaster for Kids

S

tatistics show that levels of conflict between co-parents after divorce can be divided into three categories. One-third of divorced parents tend to be cooperative; about one-half are mildly, but successfully conflicted; and about one-fifth stay in conflict throughout their children’s childhood. We also know that children who spend their growing-up years with parents in severe conflict (married or not) have trouble with education, vocation, social skills, and future relationships. So, it makes sense that a major goal of single parenting should be to reduce conflict at all costs — conflict in the household with your children, as well as between co-parents. Otherwise, our kids become the victims of statistics, at the hands of their parents.

If you fall in the one-third category, consider yourself blessed. Your kids will probably do all right as long as at least one parent can keep them out of the middle of any conflict that does emerge.

However, if you are in the one-fifth that engages in ongoing conflict, your kids are at a high risk for a multitude of problems.

Here are three rules to live by that may be helpful in getting high-conflict 66 WNY Family April 2020

parents to focus on a reduced conflict environment for their kids:

1) Set boundaries that send the message “I refuse to go there.” If you continue to allow your ex-partner or even your child engage you in disrespectful conversations, you are likely to remain in conflict and be continually abused because of your inability to draw the line.

When a conversation with your exspouse moves from the logistics and practical applications of child-rearing to personal digs, name-calling, or disrespectful innuendos, you need to hang up the phone or walk away and let them know you will only talk about issues that are relevant to child-rearing and nothing else. After all, there is no longer any accountability between parents after divorce, so there is no leverage like there is in marriage. Give it up.

Before having a difficult conversation, write the three points of the conversation you want to have on a 3 x 5 card and keep it with you during the conversation. Make the decision for yourself that you will not engage in conversation about anything else other than the three points.

Likewise, if your kids insist on engaging you in disrespectful and angry conversations, let them know calmly and confidently that you will not tolerate those kinds of words and encourage them to take a walk, listen to music, do something creative until they can cool down and speak to you respectfully.

The key with setting these boundaries is to remember that respect goes both ways. If you model respect in your behavior and refuse to listen to disrespectful words, you send the message to whomever you are with that you value yourself and your emotions, as well as theirs. It may take some time to develop this skill, but eventually those around you will begin to value you, too. Hang tough on this one and you will not only create a new you, but you will create relationships that are strong and meaningful.

2) Don’t wait for issues to simmer for months before they are discussed. This is a

recipe for a big blow up, especially if you are prone to high conflict. As a mediator, I always suggest co-parents go to mediation at least every two years after divorce, whether they think they need it or not.

High conflict couples may need to mediate once a year just to be sure issues get addressed effectively. This way, parents know that they will regularly have a non-threatening forum to air their concerns about parenting plans, and one parent does not have to be the “bad guy” in bringing it to the forefront.

Parents’ and kids’ lives change throughout the post-divorce years, which may mean re-evaluation is in order to keep the machine running smoothly. Too often, parents wait too long to seriously address conflicts that bother them. Then they get blown out of proportion until one parent finally gets frustrated enough to file suit and make it a legal battle.

Nine times out of ten, unless there is a safety issue involved, it does not have to go that far. But because our conflict resolution skills are so poor to begin with,

we feel we have no choice.

Hire a professional mediator who specializes in domestic conflict for a regular “check-up” to avoid these kinds of unnecessary hassles. If the conflict is between you and your children, set up regular family meetings to address issues before they become problems. Kids are more likely to be accountable to the rules when they have had a part in creating them.

3) Finally, recognize that reacting badly to our emotions is a personal choice. Whether you are

experiencing depression, anger, frustration, or any other negative feeling, emotion is not bad in and of itself, but how we react to it determines our own mental health and the state of our relationships.

You may stay angry, depressed, or frustrated for many years – IF YOU WANT TO. Or you can decide to take steps to protect you and those around you from the effects of emotion handled badly. Therefore, know your limits. Know what pushes your buttons. Get in touch with the angry tape you have recorded in your head and figure out how to push STOP when it starts to roll.

If you and your ex simply cannot see each other without wearing a scowl and engaging in destructive conversation, then find ways to not see each other! Set rules to pick up and drop off kids at school or daycare so there is no face-to-face interaction.

Set a rule to only talk once per month, providing each other via e-mail with a conversation agenda, so you will have time to think about your conversation and possible responses. If you cannot communicate positively, find ways to limit communication to only what is necessary. For the sake of the kids, respect each other’s roles as parents, but don’t be unrealistic in your expectations of your personal interaction.

Obviously, if at some later date, you can call a truce and begin to communicate more effectively, then you can change the rules or make them more flexible, but until that day comes, it is simply not a good idea to engage in ongoing conflict. It hurts your children. Period.

Also, remember that your kids are watching your behavior as a model for how they will handle conflict in the future. Ask yourself if you want your kids to follow your lead. Parents who ignore this and feed their own selfish needs of tit-for-tat — either with their ex or with their children — will later have to face the more permanently damaging emotion of regret. I’ve yet to meet a parent, whether single, married or divorced, who said “I wish I would have won more battles.” Instead, they are more likely to say “I wish I would have ended the war.”

Diane C. Dierks is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Atlanta, Georgia. She is also author of “The Co-Parent Toolbox” (2014 Aha! Publishing) and “Solo Parenting: Raising Strong & Happy Families” (1997 Fairview Press). For more information visit her website is www.dianedierks.com.

April 2020 WNY Family 67

N

early half of pet parents allow their furry friend to sleep in bed with them. Go ahead, it’s perfectly safe, as long as you all are healthy. In fact, sharing your bedroom with your canine or feline companion may actually improve your sleep and security.

However, children under age 6 should not have a pet in their bed. The family pet sleeping in a bed of their own in the same room, however, is fine.

Pets love their human family and are drawn to their scents. You may find that your pet may sleep near your shoes or other personal item in an effort to be close to you. They also often prefer sleeping on elevated spaces, hence the desire to be closer to you and in your bed.

Keep in mind that you should consider a few things first:

1) Is your pet healthy? Are they

on regular flea and parasite medication?

One of the reasons veterinarians want to see your pet at least annually is to

This dog is sick.

Should You or Your Child Share A Bed with Your Pet? make sure your pet is healthy. Although transfer of disease to you is unlikely, fleas, ticks or worms would love to be part of your personal world. Don’t let them!

2) Does anyone have allergies, breathing or immunosuppressed issues? Certain allergy

sufferers, cancer patients, transplant recipients, those with COPD, or anyone HIV positive, are among those who should not sleep with pets.

She has six months to live or six years. It’s up to you.

If your pet fails to get regular care that little mast cell tumor won’t be discovered until it’s too late.

You’ll be wondering why you didn’t give her the care you do for yourself and other family members.

A message for you from your veterinarian – your other family doctor and a member of the Niagara Frontier Veterinary Society.

www.nfvs.us 68 WNY Family April 2020

3) Does your pet shed, and if so, how frequently are you willing to clean top blankets or comforters? Remember that your pet doesn’t bathe regularly (licking fur doesn’t count!).

They have been walking all day (probably both inside and outside) and have dirty paws and probably a notso-clean body, with dirt

that is now being deposited on your bedding. Also, your pet should be on top of your covers, not in between the sheets.

4) Do you mind a cat that is nocturnal and may decide she wants to play in the middle of the night, disrupting your sleep? As is said, people own

dogs and cats own people, so what your cat wants she often gets or does, whether you approve or not.

For infants, it is never a good idea to have the “cat in the cradle.” Babies, especially those younger than 3 months, are more susceptible to certain kinds of infections because of undeveloped immune systems and, in general, should keep their distance from newborns.

And although young children often beg to have the family dog or cat sleep with them, you should consider

waiting until they are able to handle some of the responsibilities of having a pet and have a good relationship with the pet. Most dogs and cats will tolerate some childhood behavior (pulling a tail or poking) but may still be a tad fearful and could lash out, especially in an unanticipated situation that could happen as a child rolls over too close to a pet in bed. Once a child is old enough to help care for the pet with feeding or walking, pet parents should use their judgment regarding sleeping arrangements.

In the meantime, the pet can still sleep next to family members on the floor. You can provide a comfortable pet bed near your or your child’s. Add a piece of personal clothing (such as a T-shirt) so the pet will feel close to you with your scent.

Some people feel safer or calmer with a dog in their bed, almost like a security blanket. You may have to give up some space with larger dogs that are more likely to hog the bed. You also may be subjected to heavy breathing and snoring — not from your bed partner but your pet (some people report they can’t tell the different between the dog or person!).

You could have a dog that tends to dig at blankets or try to burrow into the sheets.

Cat behaviors can vary tremendously.

To have a purring cat or well-behaved dog nearby may be very comforting and conducive to sleep; or put you through constant insomnia. You know you love your pet, just make sure sleeping together is the best for both of you.

For more information and tips about sleeping with pets, call or visit your family veterinarian, your other family doctor. Remember, your veterinarian is your best source for advice on keeping your pet safe, healthy, and happy!

The Niagara Frontier Veterinary Society is comprised of more than 75 small animal hospitals and more than 200 practitioners in Erie and Niagara Counties. It exists to advance public awareness and understanding of proper pet health care, veterinary services and the veterinary profession.

FAMILY TRAVEL continued... latetown. Up to eight players enter into a dynamic virtual world featuring a fullmotion floor and multi-sensory effects like strong winds, heat, and earth-rattling movements. The game continues outside as spectators help or challenge players via tablets located around the exterior.

most imposing structure in town. The late world traveler, Lowell Thomas, called the hotel “a palace that out-palaces the palaces of the Maharajahas of India.” It’s a member of the Historic Hotels of America and a winner of AAA’s prestigious Four Diamond Award.

Over at the Hershey Story Museum, families can explore the life of Milton Hershey. Chocolate lovers can check out Tastings: Chocolate from Around the World, offering a taste of chocolates from milk to dark. There are special tastings geared to children. The Chocolate Lab offers hands-on classes for ages five and up. Families learn about where cocoa beans come from, the refinement process, and some Hershey chocolate secrets.

Hershey loved to build, and this hotel was opened in 1933 in the depths of the Depression as part of his plan for employing townspeople. On my most recent visit, we enjoyed a delicious dinner on the hotel’s expansive outdoor patio overlooking the town.

Daily classes allow guests to learn about decorating. Classes end with tastes of the students’ delicious take home chocolate creations.

Grab a bite in the Pantry Café where chocolate covered bacon was on display and available for take-out. I confess that I cannot report whether it was a good combination; I prefer my chocolate straight.

Hershey met his wife Catherine who hailed from Jamestown in a New York City candy shop where she worked. Childless, the couple founded the Milton Hershey School for orphaned boys in 1909. After his wife died in 1915, Hershey decided to give his growing fortune to the school. Today, it sprawls over 15,000 acres and has more than 2,000 low income and in need students (the schools began admitting girls in 1976) in pre-K through 12th grade. It is the largest private residential school in the country and is free to all students.

Profits from the Hershey Foods Corporation and Hershey Entertainment & Resorts fund the school. Remember, when you eat a Hershey bar or Hershey Kisses you are helping the school and the students. (We chocolate lovers will come up with any excuse to keep eating the wondrous creation.)

The 241-room Hotel Hershey is the

The 665-room Hershey Lodge is a most family-friendly resort and was our home.

There is chocolate upon check-in and special perks including early entrance to the park and free shuttles. The indoor pool area is called Hershey’s Water Works with water slides, a water walk, a splash pad and more. It is perfect for smaller children.

Travel Tip of the Month: For Hershey information visit www.hersheypa. com or call 1-800-HERSHEY. Although the park is not yet open full time, Springtime in the Park is celebrated the first three weekends of March. More than 50 rides will be operating, weather permitting, and Hershey characters will be welcoming visitors. ZooAmerica is also open.

Hershey is well located for touring south central Pennsylvania. It is an hour’s drive from the Civil War Battlefield of Gettysburg, within a half hour of Amish country and within an hour of Reading, home of a multitude of factory outlets and York, the factory tour capital. In addition to the Hotel Hershey and the Hershey Lodge, there is the 55-acre Hershey Highmeadow Campground with cabins and campsites. There are also other hotels and motels in town.

Deborah Williams is a veteran travel writer whose work has appeared in national and international publications. She lives in Holland, NY and is the recipient of the Society of American Travel Writers’ Lowell Thomas Gold Travel Writing Award.

April 2020 WNY Family 69

Crescent Ham Rolls

Free of: DAIRY, EGGS, PEANUTS, TREE NUTS, FISH, SHELLFISH, can be WHEAT/GLUTEN* Yield: 4 servings PrepTime: 5 minutes CookTime: 11-15 minutes 1 package (8 roll size) crescent rolls (read ingredients for allergens) or *gluten free rolls 4 thin slices ham Maple syrup, jam, or mustard 4 slices of dairy free cheese (optional)

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here are so many aspects of the Easter season our family enjoys — from spiritual renewal to the change in season (at least, we hope so!). When it comes to Easter dinner, we bake a super-sized ham — with lots and lots of leftovers. Which begs the question: just how many ways are there to use leftover ham?

Plenty! Some of the more common are ham and bean or pea soup, sandwiches, as a breakfast meat, cubed and served as a snack. With the variety of recipes below, you’re sure to find one or two new favorites for your family to sample.

Preheat oven as directed on package.

Separate into 4 large squares, pressing seams together on rolls. Brush with maple syrup, or jam, or mustard. Layer on ham, and cheese if desired. Roll up, jelly roll style, and bake as directed, until golden brown. Do not overcook.

From our family to yours, have a blessed happy Easter!

A few tips: 

Get the best quality ham you can find. Personal tastes vary and so do hams. Some are precut, sweetened, or smoked. Whatever your family prefers, don’t skimp with waterlogged, poor quality ones, especially not for a holiday main course.



Ham can be frozen – use freezer strength wraps. Use within 3 months for best results.



Save the ham bone if you have a bone-in ham for great soup flavoring.

Stove Top Ham Casserole

Sweet Potato Ham Bake

Free of: DAIRY, EGGS, SOY, PEANUTS, TREE NUTS, WHEAT, FISH, SHELLFISH, and GLUTEN* Yield: 6-8 servings Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 20 minutes

Free of: DAIRY, EGGS, WHEAT, SOY, PEANUTS, TREE NUTS, FISH, SHELLFISH, GLUTEN Yield: 6-8 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 30 minutes

1 large onion, chopped 1 tablespoon olive oil 2 cups ham cut into bite sized pieces 1 pound pasta* (gluten free pasta or 2 cups rice) 1 package (2 cups) frozen peas, chopped broccoli, chopped asparagus, bell peppers, mushrooms, or other vegetables 1 quart chicken broth Salt & pepper to flavor

2 pounds of ham (pieces, chunks, or slices) 1 large can sweet potatoes, drained (or 3-4 average sized sweet potatoes*) 3-4 apples, cored and quartered (no need to peel) 1/2 cup apple juice Maple syrup

In a large sauce pan, sauté the onion in oil. Add remaining ingredients. Bring to a boil. Cover and simmer for 10-15 minutes, until pasta is tender (or rice is cooked.)

70 WNY Family April 2020

Preheat oven to 350°. Layer ingredients in a large greased casserole dish. Drizzle with maple syrup. Cover and bake for about 30 minutes, until apples are fork tender. *If using fresh sweet potatoes, increase baking time to 60 minutes, until sweet potatoes are tender. During the last 10 minutes, remove the cover to allow for a little browning.

Ham & Fruit Salad

Free of: DAIRY, EGGS, WHEAT, SOY, PEANUTS, TREE NUTS, FISH, SHELLFISH, GLUTEN Yield: 6-8 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes 2 cups diced ham 2 cups chopped fruit (orange, pineapple, apple, pear, peach, grapes, apples) 1 cup chopped celery 1/2 cup raisins 1/3 cup liquid salad dressing or 1/2 cup Just Mayo (vegan) https://www.ju.st/en-us/products/consumer/mayo/mayo Chopped lettuce or spinach leaves Toss together first 5 ingredients. Serve over lettuce or spinach.

If you have any questions about our column, e-mail Kathy at allergy@ roadrunner.com. For further information about food allergies, contact FARE www. foodallergy.org, or call 1-800-929-4040.

Kathy Lundquist is a Western New York parent whose son, now an adult, was born with severe food allergies. Over the last two decades, she has worked tirelessly, in a variety of capacities, to increase community awareness about food allergies.

THE KIDDIE GOURMET

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— by Barbara Blackburn

oro is Spansage, and jalapenos, served El Toro Mexican ish for bull. It’s with tortillas ($6.75). Since Grill & Bar also a Mexican 1009 Niagara Falls Blvd., the padre (Dad) favors Chile restaurant, one of many Relleños, he placed a small Amherst in our Western New York order, which he found “de716-551-0052 eltorony.com area. The children’s menu licioso.” Although I favor accommodates niños and more heat, he found it just ~ SPOONS ~ niñas through age 12. Besuited to his palate (3 for FOOD 4.5/5 sides regular seating, about $8.50). five boosters and high chairs Vegetarians are recogare available. With a lack nized here with ten selecSERVICE 4/5 of provided entertainment, tions, all priced at $9.50. The kids can entertain themcombinations can please the selves with, of course, just FAMILY ovo-lacto vegetarians as well FRIENDLY 3.5/5 engaging in family converas the vegans. How about a sation — a healthy prescripmushroom quesadilla, a bean tion these days. They can burrito, and a chalupa? Also order any item for $4.99 observing the dinner menu, I noticed (no drink provided): one Burrito and that most all of the items were priced the one Taco, one Taco served with rice and same. Both lunch and dinner offer you beans, Cheese Quesadilla with fries and those housemade chips, accompanied by taco, Corn Dog and Fries, Chicken Finseveral salsas. The Toro chips are espegers and Fries, Chicken Breast and Fries, cially good — “bueno.” and Enchilada served with rice & beans.

Many varieties of Mexican food Our one set of grandkids are, for exist here beyond the usual fast food better or worse, attuned to Mighty Taco; combos of ground meat, wheat or corn however, they liked what they ate here. based wrappers, beans, and rice. Besides The other set, being flexitarians, (people the carbo-centered categories, there are who have a primarily vegetarian diet but the Mariscos (Seafood), Puerco (Pork), occasionally eat meat or fish) liked the Carne (Steak), and Pollo (Chicken). The rice and beans.

Fajitas section looked especially invitThe more breakfast-oriented items ing, particularly the Pina Loca ($15.50). on the lunch menu lured me to order That’s a half pineapple stuffed with Huevos con Chorizos ($6.50). This grilled chicken, shrimp, pineapple, towas a delightful duet of two scrambled matoes, onions, zucchini, bell pepper, eggs cooked with Mexican sausage, and cheese. All fajitas are served with a.k.a. chorizo, served with rice, beans, lettuce, guacamole, pico de gallo, sour and tortillas. Dad, alias Grandpa, likes cream, tortillas, rice, and beans, and to choose from the specials, which for delivered sizzling hot on a bed of tomalunch presented him with #16 Special toes, onions and bell peppers. Yummy!

Lunch. This crab quesadilla, served with For dessert we had a choice of flan, guacamole salad and rice, was luscious. churros, or fried ice cream. Dad didn’t Wanting more avocado, I ordered, the Guacamole Azteca ($5.50), diced avocado, tomato, cilantro and onion. I could have witnessed a bit more cilantro, which I love fresh or dried as coriander. Another item on the appetizer list that tempted us was the Queso Fundido — bowl of cheese dip, Mexican sau-

Let’s

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One of the Nicest Things 5C8A0L-L0745 You Can Give Your Child TODAY! Is HAPPY MEMORIES! Invite Skiddles the Clown to Entertain at Your Child’s Next Birthday!

think as much of the flan ($4.50) as I, although he managed to eat his share. We enjoyed our afternoon in Mexico vicariously and offer a hearty “Ole!” to El Toro.

Check out Barbara Blackburn’s food blog at culinarrations.wordpress.com.

April 2020 WNY Family 71

In times like these

home and family is everything As we cope with the current unexpected changes that have affected our daily routines, take some time to enjoy the good things in life that you wish you could do more often…

SHARE SOME VALUABLE TOGETHER TIME WITH YOUR CHILDREN…

Play a game…

Work on a crafting project…

Curl up with a good book…

Together we’ll get through this tough time and WNY Family Magazine is here to help!

Look inside this edition for some great indoor activities you can enjoy with your kids at home while schools are closed.

Stay safe, stay healthy!

72 WNY Family April 2020