45.
ARTWORK: Navita Wijeratne
(english) sign of the times HEBE REN
CW: MENTAL HEALTH, RESTRICTED EATING
‘Can you picture it, the life we could have lived?’ Before I accepted my offer at ANU, I could have chosen an excellent college in Germany. I can’t remember why I gave up that offer , but here I am, stuck in this in-between moment. I see no way forward, yet I cannot possibly go back. Despite being a brutal truth, most people are tired of constantly hearing how miserable an international students’ life is, and describing this misery itself is actually rather painful. I have mental meltdowns every time I have to tell people how I feel as a remote student on zoom. I know that there are countless adjectives: disconnected, isolated,
unhappy, helpless, lonely, miserable. But now for the first time in my life, I have truly experienced those words in my reality. However, I’ve decided to write about something different in this article. I deferred last year, but throughout the whole of 2020, and among all those people alongside me last year, no one was as miserable as I was. Most people around me seem to be perfectly happy with this online situation. I was, and still am, constantly filled with bitterness and negativity. I have been trying to figure out why I feel this way and I have come up with three possible explanations for this misery of mine.
