Your Teen For Parents: January-February 2016

Bigger Kids. Bigger Fun.

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Video Games

THIS ISSUE BROUGHT TO YOU BY

Why Your Kid Should Pay

#FOMO “No One Else has a Curfew!”

Orange is the New Black’s Yoga Jones Spills on Parenting

Sneaky Teens

eal R l

Lisa Damour’s​ Untangled​: The Book You’ve Been Waiting For

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The Cost of College

VOL. 8 ISSUE 3 JAN-FEB 2016 $ 3.95

10 Tips for an

Affordable Education

yourteenmag.com

THE PATHS To Law School

A CAREER IN LAW

What would it look like for you?

ADVOCACY Attorneys

ATTEND ANY ACCREDITED INSTITUTION OF HIGHER EDUCATION

PURSUE ANY MAJOR

ATTEND CLEVELAND STATE UNIVERSITY APPLY AT ENGAGECSU.COM

PURSUE ANY MAJOR

GET ADMITTED TO CSU’S HONORS PROGRAM

Why are you needed?

Because you are driven to make the world a better place by serving others who are struggling and helping them work through public agencies and administrative systems, and by advocating for policy changes.

How you could work • In nonprofit organizations • Environmental advocate • In legal aid societies • In administrative courts • Create policy & legislation

PURSUE ANY MAJOR

LITIGATION Attorneys

YOU CAN TAKE THE LSAT ANYTIME DURING THIS ENROLLMENT PERIOD

TAKE THE LAW SCHOOL ADMISSION TEST (LSAT) WWW.LSAC.ORG

TAKE THE LAW SCHOOL ADMISSION TEST (LSAT) WWW.LSAC.ORG

Why are you needed?

Because you have the communication skills and a drive to win that can help people navigate the justice system and give their needs and causes a voice.

How you could work • In large firms • Medical malpractice attorney • In a public defender’s office • Civil rights attorney

TAKE THE LAW SCHOOL ADMISSION TEST (LSAT) WWW.LSAC.ORG

TRANSACTIONAL Attorneys

APPLY TO

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GUARANTEED ADMISSION TO

Why are you needed?

Because you have talents for details and negotiation that make you a natural troubleshooter for potential problems and can draft agreements that help people run their personal and professional business more smoothly.

How you could work • As in-house lawyer for a company • Represent community development organizations • Close real estate deals • In Estate Planning • Help private equity firms purchase a business

CLEVELAND-MARSHALL COLLEGE OF LAW

csulaw.org | law.admissions@csuohio.edu | 216 687 2304

CONTENTS FEATURE:

30 The Real Cost of College

10 Tips for an Affordable Education

37

Community College A Low-Cost Start on a Bachelor’s Degree

41

Teen Speak: I Chose the College That I Could Afford

p.

30

p.

12

DEPARTMENTS:

p.

42 Crossroads

54

Setting Video Game Limits

48 Tech Talk #FOMO

51 Money Matters

Who Pays for What?

UP FRONT:

8

Bulletin Board

#ParentHack, Mentos Geyser, #Being 13, Trends that Need to “Die Already”

12 Products

22 Book Review

Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell

24 Perspectives

Kids Can Be So Mean

53 Tween Talk

Sneaking Around

54 Hot Topics

Connie Shulman and Reed Birney

56 Small Stuff

Kid Tested, Parent Approved

Enforcing Curfew

14 In a Minute

58 Snapshot

Wake a Sleeping Teen?, 3 Ways to Give Back, Butternut Squash Macaroni and Cheese

Growing Compassion for My Daughter’s Chaotic Teen Life

60 All About Me Shedding Light

18 Move Out Skills

Making Appointments

20 In the Spotlight

Interview with psychologist and author Dr. Lisa Damour

p.

53

COVER PHOTO : BETH SEGAL

YOUR TEEN

| JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

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JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016 Volume 8, Issue 3

PUBLISHER & CHIEF REVENUE OFFICER

Stephanie Silverman PUBLISHER & EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Susan R. Borison EDITORIAL EDITORIAL MANAGER

Diana Simeon COPY EDITOR

Laura Putre EDITORIAL ASSISTANT

Emma Miller PROOFREADER

Jessica Semel

SALES

Ursuline is ranked the most affordable private college in Ohio

— US Department of Education College Scorecard

Lisa Golovan, Shari Silk

CREATIVE CREATIVE DIRECTOR

Meredith Pangrace PHOTOGRAPHER

Beth Segal

WEB CONTENT WEB CONTENT EDITOR

Mindy Gallagher IT SPECIALIST

Hunter Chisolm

CIRCULATION CIRCULATION SPECIALIST

Eca Taylor

THIS ISSUE CONTRIBUTING WRITERS

An Ursuline education is an affordable investment that pays dividends in your future. Nearby Cleveland provides over half of the student body with real-world experience. Last year, 100% of first-year students received aid and new alums were employed at a rate three times higher than the national average. Focusing on holistic education, Ursuline College empowers women to lead and change the world.

Maggie Baird, Sophie Bartolotta, Audrey Mann Cronin, Helen Chibnik, Cathie Ericson, Emma Freer, Sheri Gross, Michelle Icard, Rebecca Meiser, Emma Miller, Joanna Nesbit, Finneas O'Connell, Jane Parent, Jesse Sparks, Marion K. Underwood

More content online at yourteenmag.com

A DV I S O RY B OA R D Elise Ellick

Teen Counselor in the Division of Adolescent Medicine, Department of Pediatrics at MetroHealth.

Lauren Rich Fine

Executive Search Consultant at Howard & O’Brien Associates.

Marcia Hales

Business Manager with One Wish, LLC.

Amanda Weiss Kelly, MD

University Hospitals, Rainbow Babies & Children’s Hospital Pediatrician, Director, Pediatric Sports Medicine.

Julian Peskin, MD Cleveland Clinic staff member, Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

Sylvia Rimm, PhD

Psychologist, Director of Family Achievement Clinic, Clinical Professor, Case Western Reserve School of Medicine.

Michael Ritter, CPA

Retired Partner, Ernst & Young LLP.

Ellen Rome, MD, MPH

Pediatrician, Head, Section of Adolescent Medicine at Cleveland Clinic.

Chris Seper

Founder, MedCity Media and Publisher, MedCityNews.com.

Amy Speidel

Certified Parent Coach at Senders Parenting Center.

Sonni Kwon Senkfor, MBA

Independent Consultant. Facilitator with The WIT Group and MAC Consulting.

Judy Stenta, MSW

Retired Project Director, SAY, a program of Bellefaire JCB.

Steven Wexberg, MD Staff Pediatrician, Cleveland Clinic Foundation.

Lucene Wisniewski, PhD, FAED Clinical Director and co-founder of the Cleveland Center for Eating Disorders.

Lee Zapis

President of Zapis Capital Group.

facebook.com/YourTeen

@YourTeenMag

Your Teen, Vol 8, Issue 3, JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016 is a publication of Your Teen, Inc., a bi-monthly publication, $3.95. Bellefaire JCB, 22001 Fairmount Blvd., Shaker Heights, Ohio 44118. ©2016 by Your Teen, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without the written consent of Your Teen magazine.Your Teen does not verify claims or information appearing in any advertisements contained in this magazine. While advertising copy is reviewed, no endorsement of any product or service offered by any advertisement is intended or implied by publication in Your Teen.

ADVERTISING

Contact Stephanie Silverman at 216-337-1374 Your Teen Media P.O. Box 21083, S. Euclid, Ohio 44121

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YOUR TEEN

| JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

Reimagine School Lawrence School is committed to reframing the conversation about the way children learn. We offer a K-12 program strategically designed to help students with dyslexia, ADHD and other language-based learning differences.

www.lawrenceschool.org/reimagine | 440.526.0717 Small, highly-structured classes

Personalized instruction

Multi-sensory learning

Assistive technology

EDITOR’S LETTER

A

few years ago, I was invited by my law school to sit on a panel with other lawyers who had chosen to work outside of the profession. We all agreed that our law degree was incredibly valuable in our second careers. During the Q&A, one brave first year raised her hand and said that she hated law school and knew with certainty that she would never practice law. Her question— should she stick it out? The three other panelists encouraged her to get her law degree because the degree would be valuable no matter which career path she chooses. I kept quiet for a while (mostly because I wanted to be invited back to be on the panel again), but then I realized I had a responsibility to be honest with this young woman.

I jumped into the conversation, and after acknowledging how much I valued my degree, I pointed out that none of my fellow middle-aged panelists had to contend with the kind of debt today’s law students incur. My JD cost almost $50,000, a huge investment, but candy money compared to today’s tuition. The same school now costs almost $150,000. That kind of debt will change the course of a person’s life. I felt a responsibility to offer that perspective.

I don’t know whether this young woman stayed the course or whether she cut her losses, but either way, she deserved to make an informed decision. As parents of teenagers, you too will likely be making similar decisions in the near future. Applying to colleges can be an ordeal, but the true difficulty often sets in after admittance, when the first bill arrives. Or six months after graduation when your newly minted college graduate’s first loan payment is due. Diana Simeon has crafted a feature that will help you and your teenagers make informed decisions to help make college as affordable as possible. Her Top 10 list will guide you well before you begin the college search.

Of course, Your Teen tackles many other meaningful issues.

Several articles touch on a teenager’s social life (#FOMO, Interview with Lisa Damour, Ph.D., The Mean Teen Years, Snapshot on Compassion) and one common thread is the challenge of understanding our response as parents. We might, unwittingly, impose our own emotional reaction on our teen’s personal pain. Experts encourage all of us to be mindful of that risk.

I had the huge privilege of interviewing Dr. Lisa Damour after reading her soon-to-be-released book, Untangled. I read the book cover to cover two times, and I quote her at least once a day. I found the book both instructive and comforting. You will definitely want to pre-order your copy at bit.ly/YTUntangled.

After you finish reading all of this issue’s articles, help spread the word. Take a picture of yourself reading Your Teen, then upload the image to your social media accounts, tag Your Teen and add the hashtag #YT4Parents. Thanks in advance.

And enjoy the read.

Take a picture of yourself reading Your Teen (like two of my daughters), then upload the image to your social media accounts, tag Your Teen and add the hashtag #YT4Parents.

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YOUR TEEN

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Cleveland Institute of Art Creativity Matters

Crafting a successful career in jewelry design

Alex Pakis CIA Class of 2004 Jewelry+Metals major Designer and Owner, Greenpoint Craftworks

Creativity matters to Alex Pakis. Alex credits CIA with encouraging students to be authentic to their craft and their work. Learning the theory as well as the craft of metalworking allowed Alex to open his own studio in New York City, taking commissions for one-of-a-kind pieces, as well as creating his own sought-after line of jewelry.

See Alex at work at cia.edu/alex

n n n n n n n

Bachelor of Fine Arts degree World-class faculty Real-world experience 9:1 student to faculty ratio University Circle: Cultural hub Studio space for each student Successful alumni network

For more information, visit cia.edu

Since 1882

CONTRIBUTORS

Lisa Damour

When Dr. Lisa Damour speaks, we tend to sit up and listen. Thanks to a career spent working with teenage girls and studying them as director of Laurel School’s Center for Research on Girls, her advice is always practical, helpful, and compassionate. So, we were thrilled to interview Lisa about her new book, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood. You’ll find it on page 20.

Michelle Icard

Every time Michelle Icard writes for us, we get a better understanding of our middle schoolers.

This issue, Michelle— author of Middle School Makeover—helps us tackle an all-too-common issue: sneakiness. “Few things can cause a parent's blood to boil more than the suspicion that their child is doing something sneaky,” she writes.

Flip to page 53 to get started.

Robert Faris

We were fascinated by the results of a recent CNN-commissioned study, Being Thirteen: Social Media and the Hidden World of Young Adolescents’ Peer Culture. So we were eager to catch up with Dr. Robert Faris, a professor of sociology at the University of California at Davis, who conducted the study with Dr. Marion K. Underwood (see right). Turn to page 9 to read some of their findings.

David Levy

I f the subject of paying

for college makes you queasy—or downright nauseous—then you’ll definitely want to jump right to this issue’s feature story (page 30). We got a chance to interview David Levy, an expert on the costs of college and editor with Las Vegasbased Edvisors. Says Levy: “There used to be a commercial for Holiday Inn, which I think is still true for financial aid ... the best surprise is no surprise.”

Marion K. Underwood

Teenagers can be mean, sometimes on purpose, sometimes just because they’re callous. This issue, we tackle the topic of meanness in our Perspectives series (page 26), which includes helpful expert advice from Dr. Marion K. Underwood, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Dallas.

Your Best Value in Higher Education.

www.lorainccc.edu • (800) 995-5222 LCCC YOur Teen October 2015.indd 1

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YOUR TEEN

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9/25/15 4:41 PM

AFFORDABLE Quality and affordability meet at BW.

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EXCELLENCE Baldwin Wallace’s commitment to excellence has earned the University a spot among U.S. News and World Report’s list of America’s Best Colleges every year for the last 22 years. Our promise to provide value has made BW the most affordable private college in Ohio, as ranked by the 2015 College Affordability Guide.

BW offers students a personalized education.

The curriculum is built on a strong liberal arts foundation with a commitment to real-world preparation. A BW education is tailored to the student to provide lasting tools for success.

To learn more about Baldwin Wallace, go to www.bw.edu or arrange a campus visit at www.bw.edu/visit.

Baldwin Wallace University does not discriminate on the basis of race, creed, age, disability, national origin, gender or sexual orientation in the administration of any policies or programs.

Baldwin Wallace University 275 Eastland Road, Berea, Ohio 44017 440-826-2222 www.bw.edu

BULLETIN BOARD

ONLINE AT

YOURTEENMAG.COM h Are you the parent of a tween? You’ll want to check out the video of our latest event Tweens and the New Rules of Parenting. Our experts will help you keep calm and parent on through the middle school years. Watch it at bit.ly/YTtwnEvt. h Cleveland-area parents can now register for our College Event, which takes place this year on January 20 at Hathaway Brown School in Shaker Heights, Ohio. This popular, annual event is a great way for high school parents to learn more about the college process. You’ll want to get a heads up about what’s coming. Find out more at yourteenmag.com/college-hb-2016. h You can find a list of books featured in our magazine at bit.ly/buy-a-book and our featured products at bit.ly/YT-JanFeb16-products h Got questions? We’ll get you an answer. Our Ask the Expert service is free and anonymous.

Visit us at bit.ly/YTAskUs to get started.

LOVE FROM OUR FANS ...

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Follow us on Twitter @YourTeenMag

Nancy Friedman @Hip2Housewife Just saw this magazine in my pediatrician's office. Love it. @Yourteenmag Mindprint Learning @MindprintLearn I'm so glad I read this. It's nice to know my family is not the only one experiencing this.

Margaret Stager @DrStager Moms: talking about safe sex with your teenager results in less risky behavior. Need ideas? Go to @Yourteenmag.com for tips.

Making Dad w/ C & Z @MakingDadShow Found @Yourteenmag at @BNBBuzz last night. So good! Can't wait to share for Mondays episode #parenting #kids

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YOUR TEEN

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#ParentHack Mom? When Did I Volunteer at That One Place Again?

College applications ask a lot of questions, whether it’s about non-academic activities like volunteer experiences, paid employment, extracurriculars, and so on. And most high school seniors are hard-pressed to remember everything they’ve done since freshman year of high school.

Let’s face it, most parents are too.

That’s why David Levy, editor of the Edvisors Network—and an expert on college admissions —recommends that parents keep an “accomplishments resume” for their adolescents.

(Teenagers can also do this.) “Sit down with your teenager at the end of the academic year and say, ‘What were you involved in?’ Keep it as a running list,” Levy says. “It’s much harder to recreate when you’re a senior in high school.” Levy recommends parents start this task in middle school.

Store the accomplishments resume on your home computer, so when your teenager is applying to college—or for scholarships or summer opportunities or whatever—she can easily access the information. You’ll save time—and your teenager will be much less likely to forget something important, perhaps the very thing that would catch an admission counselor’s eye.

Do Try This at Home A conversation with “science guy” Steve Spangler.

S

urely your teenagers have made a Mentos geyser. You know, where you take a bottle of diet soda and watch in amazement as a 20-foot geyser— yep, do this outside—erupts from the bottle. Your Teen recently got a chance to talk with the man behind it all— former middle school science teacher Steve Spangler.

How can parents get their kids interested in science, even if they aren’t scientists themselves?

Parents must put enough things in front of their kids — almost like a buffet—and allow them to sample and not feel hurt when they say, “No I don’t think so” or “Oh, maybe.” We need to be perceptive of that because we know our kids better than anyone else. We need to be able to see what lights a spark and then put more opportunities in front of them.

How can parents transform science from something their kid has to do in school to a fun activity?

What you’re doing as a parent when it comes to science or anything really is not “Stop, sit down, and write down your hypothesis.” Instead, you’re just allowing the experience.

Nothing would bring me greater joy than to have, 20 years from now, my kid sitting for Sunday dinner going, “Hey remember the time you had like 50 bottles of diet coke in your trunk and like a whole case of Mentos …” Well, I didn’t. I had 10 bottles and a couple rolls

of Mentos, but in their mind they never forgot the day we went outside and blew up the bottles on the driveway. And that’s the stuff experiences are made of, and when experiences are created that can change kids’ lives. Read more of our interview with Spangler at bit.ly/ YT-science-guy

Do you really want to know?

You may be surprised to learn that according to a new study commissioned

by CNN—called Being Thirteen—the people causing your middle schooler the most distress on social media are their best friends.

“42 percent reported having a serious conflict with someone online at least monthly,” says researcher Robert Faris.

“And the majority of them said it was with friends ... and we’re not talking about Facebook friends, we’re talking about close friends.”

Source of Most Serious Online Conflict: 56% Friends 48% Schoolmate 37% Former romantic partner 33% Stranger 21% Romantic partner

Mentos-Diet Coke Geyser

Ingredients: • A roll of Mentos mints • 2-liter bottle of diet soda • Piece of paper Note: You may want to buy extra because you’ll probably want to do this again (and again).

1. Go outside.

2. Open the bottle of soda and position it on the ground so it will not tip over.

The good news: parental monitoring helps buffer middle schoolers from this kind of online conflict. “Even the most wellintentioned parents don’t usually keep track of everything that kids are doing online, but it turns out that effort matters,” says Faris. “Parents who try to monitor their kids’ social media behavior, those kids were not as distressed by conflicts.”

3. Unwrap the whole roll of Mentos. The goal is to drop all of the Mentos into the bottle of soda at the same time, so roll the piece of paper into a tube just big enough to hold the loose Mentos (keeping them lined up in a row).

4. Now drop all the Mentos into the bottle at once and then get truckin’ (move out of the way quickly).

Read more of our interview with Faris at bit.ly/YT-Faris-Interview

YOUR TEEN

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BULLETIN BOARD

Trends That Need to “Die Already” This issue, we asked teenagers what trends they’d like to see go away — forever — in 2016. #theseteenagershavenailedit I hate the word Bae. Marisa, Long Island, NY

Boys wearing calf socks with shorts. And Donald Trump.

Bailey, Washington, DC

Definitely the whip and the nae nae!! It’s so weird when my friends randomly break out into the dance in public!!

George Dalton, who plays Arty on Netflix's "Wet Hot American Summer: First Day Of Camp"

The thigh gap— it's a trend that suggests that you are only beautiful if you have certain measurements, but the reality is that beauty isn't just limited to those people. People who are thin are beautiful and people who aren't are as well.

Meredith O’Connor, American singer-songwriter, who just released her debut album, "I Am Meredith O'Connor"

I don’t like high-waisted anything. I just don’t. And I hate FettyWap. Jared, New York, NY

The Kardashians.

The Kylie Jenner lip challenge.

Garret, Middletown, MD

Jordy, Hollywood, FL

I want Vineyard Vines to die. It’s just stupid.

Jared, Gaithersburg, MD

Birkenstocks.

Matt Sarafa, "Project Runway Junior"

Everyone hating on Taylor Swift’s love life.

Anneliese, Rochester, NY

The TV show Scream Queens.

Hallel, Woodbridge, CT

High-waisted cut-off jean shorts.

Brittany, Cincinatti, OH

The selfie stick.

Brett, Cincinnati, OH

The saying “what are those.” At first it was funny, but then after a while, everyone screaming “what are those” at people got really annoying.

Hailey Sole, who stars in the hit CBS series "Criminal Minds" and "Netflix's Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp"

The rise of Snapchat.

Posting selfies ... our generation should spend more time building leadership skills than posting personal pictures all day.

We should focus on education, family, and community. Character is earned through hard work and not instant gratification through a “like”.

Madison Nicole Robinson, founder of FishFlops and a spokesperson for the National Honor Society

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YOUR TEEN

Julia, La Jolla, CA

Memes.

Jack, Manalapan, NJ

Minions.

Alexis, Solon, OH

Saying ‘squad.’

Cambria, Philadelphia, PA

The really long hashtag on social media.

Cultural appropriation and racism thinly veiled by political correctness. And platform shoes.

Ryan, New York, NY

Elizabeth, Brinnell, IA

Dylan, Los Angeles, CA

Dad bod!

The obsession with the nipple.

Anne, Richmond, VA

Shelby, Columbus, OH

| JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

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Gilmour students discover their voices academically, spiritually and personally.

A Gilmour graduate emerges ready to begin his/her college journey armed with a moral compass, finely honed public speaking skills and real-world learning experience.

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PRODUCTS

Product Picks Kid-tested and parent-approved, Your Teen recommends:

PELICAN BACKPACK

Channel your inner James Bond with this high-tech, high-style professional grade backpack, says ​Your Teen ​art director Meredith Pangrace. "While I didn't try diving into the ocean with it — like the stealth-looking individual on the bag's tag — I do believe that there's nothing that could protect my laptop better than this backpack, even if only through hectic airports and rainy city streets." Bonus: this bag is a true backpack, unlike most laptop bags, which are cross-body. Adds Meredith: "Spreading out the weight of the bag and your gear across your back is actually pretty comfortable." $269.99 Pelican.com

ZIP-IT

Addicted to Bananagrams? Then Zip-It, from the makers of Bananagrams, may be your next family favorite. Zip-It pits two players against each other in a fast-pace race to make words from a limited selection of letters — think Bananagrams at a sprint. “It’s fun and competitive,” says Ethan Silverman, son of Your Teen’s Stephanie Silverman. “And it really challenges your mind.” $10.99 Bananagrams.com

LOVE BOTTLE

M4D3 SHOES

Your feet will look sweet — and your purchase of any M4D3 shoe will help make a difference somewhere in the world.

Your Teen photographer Beth Segal sampled the company’s Mo’Ne Davis Collection. “I love these shoes,” says Segal. “They are super-cool, super-comfortable and they’re designed by Mo’Ne Davis, the 14-yearold pitcher who was the first African American girl to play in the Little League World Series.” Plus, 15 percent of the proceeds go to Play International USA’s Because I am a Girl program. $59.99-$75 M4D3.com

Teenagers love their reusable water bottles, but for mom and dad it can be confusing to keep track of which ones are safe. BPA? Nope. Phthalates. Nuh uh. HDPE. Maybe?

So why not stick with glass. Yep, glass is 100 percent safe and allnatural, which is why we appreciate the Love Bottle. “I plan to use this when traveling,” says Susan Borsion's MIL Bernice Borison.

“Or just pop it in my lunch box.” Functional, made in the U.S., and a style for every personality. $16-$25

Lovebottle.net

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TESSEMAE’S ALL NATURAL

This line of all-natural—and delicious— dressings, sauces, and marinades was launched by a mom who just wanted to get her boys to eat their veggies. These days, Tessemae’s lineup includes everything from salad dressing and Teriyaki sauce to condiments like ketchup, mayonnaise, and mustard. “I love the Slow Roasted Garlic,” gushes Your Teen’s Susan Borison. “I spread the garlic mixture on salmon and it was delicious.” $5.99 Tessemaes.com

GOOD WIPES BODY WIPES

Whether it’s gym class at 9:00a.m., a study group after cross country practice, or just an adolescent aversion to hygiene, sometimes our teenagers can’t (or won’t) fit in a shower. Enter Good Wipes Body Wipes, biodegradable and flushable wipes. “These are perfect for someone who’s busy and runs from place to place without having time to go home and shower,” says Your Teen’s Ahuva Sunshine. “I used them after sweating a lot, and I felt fresher and cleaner.” $8 Goodwipes.com

NEW MEXICO PIÑON COFFEE

“I love my coffee,” says Your Teen’s Diana Simeon. “And I love pine nuts, but I wasn’t too sure about coffee and pine nuts combined. But this is so delicious!” New Mexico Piñon Coffee is a mix of Arabica beans, piñons from the New Mexico Piñon Tree, and special flavorings — all hand roasted in small batches. “I’ll definitely be adding New Mexico Piñon Coffee to my rotation.” 2 lbs. for $21 NMpinoncoffee.com

FEEL GOOD FOODS

For those weeknights when cooking just isn’t going to happen, it’s helpful to have a healthy go-to in the freezer. Our new favorite: Real Good Foods, a line of noartificial-anything Asian style cuisine your teenagers will love. “The broccoli chicken meal was great,” says Your Teen's Melanie Reda. “Gluten free meals often have a rubbery texture. This wasn't the case at all.” Prices vary depending on retail location. Feel-good-foods.com

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IN A MINUTE

Wake a Sleeping Teen?

RECIPE

ere’s a common dilemma.

Your teenager, who works hard all week long, likes to sleep in on weekends, often stumbling out of bed early afternoon. That means Monday mornings are a disaster with your teenager struggling to get up in time for school.

What to do?

Though your teenager will not thank you, says Dr. John Duffy, you should be waking him up at a reasonable hour on weekends.

Teenagers need structure, explains Duffy, a Chicago-based psychologist and author of The Available Parent. “Sleeping the day away can drive some poor habits. So, difficult as it is, I strongly encourage parents to wake teenagers up on the weekends. Of course, it doesn't need to be as early as it would be during the school week. It’s the structure that is critical.”

Structure helps teenagers develop self-regulation—such as not staying up all night and sleeping in all day—an important skill that they will need to be successful in college and beyond.

So how should you start if you—like many of us—have a teenager who doesn’t rise until well after noon? Tell your teenager you’ll be waking her up on weekends, with the goal that she’ll be doing it on her own

Butternut Squash Macaroni and Cheese

H

within a reasonable time frame.

“The sooner your teenager is responsible for waking herself up, both during the week and on the weekends, the better—both now and in the long run,” explains Duffy. “It's critical to remember that fostering competence and resilience are among the most important goals of parenting.

The more we helicopter and do for our teenagers, the more we are taking away that potential from them, even in matters that feel as trivial as the alarm clock.”

Duffy recommends introducing the idea over dinner or in the car (not when your teenager wanders downstairs at 1:00 p.m. on a Saturday). That’s what Cleveland-area mom Jill Davidson did with her own son, who is 12 and routinely slept until noon on weekends. Monday mornings had become awful, as Davidson’s son could not get to sleep at a reasonable hour on Sunday night. So, the two reached an agreement that he’d get up, at latest, by 11:00 a.m. on weekends. But after hearing Duffy’s advice, Davidson and her son had a second conversation.

Now he’ll be getting up at 10:00 a.m.

“He's only 12, so we'll see where it goes as he gets older,” says Davidson. “But better to start him understanding that sleeping the day away is not healthy.”

When winter’s howling, we hanker for warm, delicious, and easy-to-make comfort food.

This issue, Chef Mike Rakun— executive chef at the popular Minneapolis eateries Mill Valley Kitchen and Marin—shares his take on a perennial favorite.

INGREDIENTS: 3 cups Butternut squash 1 cup vegetable stock 1 ½ cups milk ¼ tsp nutmeg ¾ tsp salt ½ lb American cheese

Photo: Beth Segal

1 lb dried elbow macaroni pasta

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DIRECTIONS: 1. Peel and cube Butternut squash and dice into large chunks.

2. Place squash and vegetable stock into medium sauce pan.

Season with salt and cook until squash is soft enough to puree.

3. Puree squash-stock mixture together with milk.

4. Place puree back on stove, add nutmeg, and over low heat slowly melt the cheese into the puree.

5. Prepare pasta.

6. Drain and toss hot pasta with the cheese mixture until evenly coated. Should be served immediately.

7. Enjoy!

OPen TO all hIgh schOOl sTuDenTs

The CiTy Club of Cleveland

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We are looking for essays from high school students that discuss the role of free speech in the 21st century. essays should pull from personal experience, current events, history, politics, art, anything really so long as they are backed up with evidence. essays will be judged on their clarity, content, originality, and significance.

essays due March 4, 2016

• Must be a high school student to participate • 1st, 2nd and 3rd place winners will have the opportunity to read their essays before a City Club friday forum.

Topic: Increasingly, higher education institutions require professors to post trigger warnings on potentially upsetting material. Opponents have argued that trigger warnings inhibit intellectual and personal freedoms. Proponents have argued that failing to use trigger warnings will revictimize students who have experienced trauma and alienate them from the learning process. Discuss the role trigger warnings play in higher education with respect to our nation’s commitment to free speech.

more info at: https://cityclub.org/blogs/free-speech-essay-contest

The CiTy Club of Cleveland | 850 euClid avenue | 216-621-0082

IN A MINUTE

Photo: Beth Segal

3

Ways to Give Back

BY CATHIE ERICSON

There's plenty of research about the value of giving back for teenagers, but teenagers aren’t necessarily at a stage of life where doing for others comes naturally. Here are five ways to encourage teenagers to give back.

1. Be a group giver. 14-year-old Kara Buckner of Seminole, Florida, does an "intentional blessings" outreach with her family each holiday season. They brainstorm simple things like leaving candy canes on cars or taping microwave popcorn to the local Redbox.

Make it work for you: Suggest that your teenager and a group of friends start a similar campaign in your community. Help them think of low-cost, fun ideas, and have them pool their money.

2. Tap into a passion. For the past three years, Rowan Laine, 15, of Issaquah, Washington, insisted that the money that would have been spent on one of his holiday gifts instead go to the local Humane Society. “He became interested in the pets living there when his grandparents adopted a dog,” says his mom Claudia, who gives him $100 to spend on his endeavor. Make it work for you: Talk about what causes are important to your teen, whether it’s animal welfare, underprivileged kids, or a disease that affects a loved one, and have your teenager research an organization that addresses those pressing issues. If it’s local and they can visit, even better.

3. When all else fails, give them a push. Sometimes you may have to be a bit more proactive. “This can be a selfish time of life—and as a parent, you have to do what’s best for them, just like you’d make them get adequate sleep or brush their teeth,” Cruze says.

“You’re not just trying to raise good kids but raise kids who are going to be great adults, and sometimes you have to step in and make that happen.” Make it work for you: Who’s in charge around there?

That’s right, you! Consider requiring them to designate a portion of their allowance or their paycheck for donating, then help them find the right cause.

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YOUR TEEN

| JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

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IN A MINUTE

MOVE-OUT SKILLS 101:

MAKING APPOINTMENTS

H

as your teenager ever picked up the phone and made an appointment— doctor, dentist, haircut, oil change? Yeah, we thought not. But being able to make appointments over the phone is an important skill teenagers will need once they leave home ... unless you fancy calling health services on behalf of your sick college student. Nope, we don’t either.

a teenager, but our teenagers live in a world of texts, photos, and videos. No talking required.

They’re not used to it, so it feels awkward, scary even. They’ll get over it.

Here’s how to help your teenager gain this skill.

3. Start with what they want.

“You want to get a haircut? Great.

Here’s the number to make the appointment.” “You want to get your eyebrows waxed? Pick up the phone, honey.” A tip from a mom whose teenagers resisted even this: “Ask your teenager to dial

1. Don’t be frustrated by the fact that your teenager thinks making a phone call is embarrassing.

You may have spent hours talking on the phone when you were

2. Model it for your teenager a couple times. Next time you’re making an appointment, ask your teenager to listen in, ideally on the other line, but nearby works too.

the phone; then feign busyness so your teenager is forced to do the talking.”

4. Toward the end of high school require them to do the important stuff. By the time your teenager is a junior or senior in high school, try to be in a place where he’s making the kinds of appointments he’ll need to make at college and beyond—especially with healthcare providers. Getting a lot of resistance? Use something they want as leverage. “Sure you can use the car Friday night, just as soon as you set up that doctor’s appointment I’ve been asking about.”

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11025 Magnolia Drive, Cleveland 44106 • 216.421.3033 • www.montessorihighschool .org 18

YOUR TEEN

| JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

15

Ways...

Years...

SAY Helps Teens & Families • Prevention services in SAY schools*

• Strong families/family time

• Healthy decision-making

• Links students, parents, schools and communities

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• Safe teen driving

• Community service • Bullying prevention • Alcohol and other drug awareness • Supports parents to make positive influences on teens’ decisions • Training for parents and professionals

• Collaborates with other child-serving/ prevention programs • Leadership training • Sober/alternative activities • Teen depression and suicide awareness

SAY

A Program of

Bellefaire JCB

SAY – Social Advocates for Youth is a prevention and early intervention program of Bellefaire JCB for students in middle and high school throughout Cuyahoga County. *SAY school-based services are offered for free in the following suburban school districts: Beachwood, Chagrin Falls, Cleveland Heights-University Heights, Mayfield, Orange, Shaker Heights, Solon and South Euclid-Lyndhurst.

How can I participate?

•

SAY Parent Committee

•

SAY Student Leadership

Be social with us!

Twitter SAY_BellefaireJCB @bjcbsay Facebook SAY-Social Advocates for Youth Instagram say_bellefairejcb

For Information: Chris Ruma-Cullen, LISW-S, CDCA Director of SAY 216.320.8203 cullenc@bellefairejcb.org www.e-say.org

IN THE SPOTLIGHT

An interview with Dr. Lisa Damour, author of Untangled, the new bible of parenting books.

W

hen fellow Clevelander Dr. Lisa Damour sent me an advance copy of her new book, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood, I knew I was in for a treat.

But little did I know that I had been given the ultimate guide for parenting. Untangled articulates a new perspective on what’s happening to your teenager—with friends, family, school, and much more. The book provides two essential tools—a roadmap for how parents can improve the day-to-day relationship with their teenagers, and focusing on the big picture of raising capable, young adults ready to be successful in the world. Untangled is comforting, without judgment, and above all, so wonderfully practical. I recently got a chance to sit down with Lisa and discuss the ideas she brings up in Untangled. Enjoy.

I wish I’d had the advice in Untangled 10 years ago. Why did you decide to write the book?

Teenage girls get an especially bad rap. People are very quick to malign them. So the main reason I wrote this book is to change the way we talk about teenagers and teenage girls in particular.

Change how?

What I’m proposing is a new framework for thinking about adolescence in general, and I play that out as it applies in specific ways to teenage girls.

But I’m sincerely hoping that parents of teenage boys will just lay the details of having a son over the framework I am offering. A lot of this book is about what it means to be a teenager and how teenagers grow and think.

What’s the best advice you’d give to parents?

I like to offer parenting advice without telling parents what to do but rather giving 20

YOUR TEEN

them a way to think about what they are seeing. So in those incremental decisions that parents have to make about, say, “Do I step in and clean my daughter’s room because she is so busy?” my hope would be that the parent could stand back and say that cleaning up her room falls under the umbrella of taking care of herself. Is her failure to clean her room evidence that she is struggling with self-care in general or is this something she is generally excellent at but she is having a bad week? That kind of framework would allow a parent to make a more informed decision rather than just reacting moment by moment to what teenagers do.

Can you identify one mistake parents often make?

Parents tend to take the normal behavior of adolescence far too personally and then respond in a hurt way. Most of my conversations with fathers and mothers of teenag-

| JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

ers is helping them reframe the interaction.

forget that the lives of teenagers are constantly dynamic.

What do you hear from the girls you work with as director of Laurel School’s Center for Research on Girls?

Girls report that most adults don’t understand the complexity of their demanding lives and how much they are trying to juggle. So much is happening during adolescence, often simultaneously.

Teenagers must work triple overtime in order to accomplish the kind of growth that turns a 12-year-old into an 18-year-old. Girls are really busy. They are juggling their friendships and their schoolwork and their romantic interests and their growing responsibility for themselves and their frustrations with the adults around them. I usually come out of conversations with girls feeling that adults don’t have enough empathy for teenagers. Because our adult lives have become very routinized, I think we

How can parents find the balance between overparenting and being too hands-off?

“Will my kid be okay?” is the concern that drives all parenting. The problem is that there is such a long distance between the choices I make today and the outcomes I am aiming for in 15 years, and that is really scary for parents. In that anxiety, sometimes parents make choices that in retrospect seem overprotective or inappropriately interventionist.

So what do we do instead?

Look at the question, “Is my kid okay?” in a different way.

Your daughter may be freaking out today about the fact that she didn’t make the soccer team, but if she doesn’t freak out every day, she is probably doing generally okay with harnessing emotions.

The fact that your daughter is having this moment to-

“T

eenagers can be reactive, they can be rude, and, as we know ... their intense emotionality can provoke adults to act in ways they later regret. If you say something you don’t mean, if you use shame or throw your power around when in conflict with your daughter, apologize. It’s the right thing to do, and it’s the first step in the critical process of repairing relational ruptures. Don’t worry that owning your mistakes will reveal flaws your daughter hasn’t noticed before. She already knows you’re not perfect. In fact, she can probably list your faults better than anyone.”

— Excerpted from Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood

by Lisa Damour, Ph.D.

day doesn’t have to become grounds for an overreaction.

What happens if we do overreact?

Those moments can be very fruitful. It was really important for me to include all the research on “Rupture and Repair” because the last thing I would want is for parents to think that they can’t be human with their teenagers. There are many, many ways to get it right in parenting, and it’s a terrible way to parent if you have to worry that everything you do has to be just right. You will get into rough times with each other, what matters is how you get out of them. (See the excerpt above for more on this.)

But what do we do if our daughters say something that’s actually hurtful?

Try to separate the message from the medium. I think you can say, “Hey, that was not nice, and it hurt.” Or, “I think you have a point, but

it’s going to be hard for people to hear your point if you say it that way.” You can stick up for yourself and try to minimize mistreatment. At the same time, you will be letting your teenagers know that mistreating people is not okay. My experience is that teenagers who feel heard will soften their touch. Though that doesn’t mean that in their first foray they are going to say it softly.

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Do you have any final thoughts to share?

We should go into parenting saying, “I love my kid. I am doing the best I can with what I’ve got. We are on this journey together. There are certain things that are absolutely my job, like creating warmth, structure, rules, and predictability, but within that framework I am open to the idea of being flexible about how this interaction goes, and what matters most is that we have a working relationship.” n

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YOUR TEEN

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| JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

21

BOOK BOOK REVIEW REVIEW

Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell PARENT REVIEW

By Maggie Baird

M

y favorite books are the ones that change the way you see the world, and Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell is just such a book.

It changed a lot of my perceptions regarding our individual paths to success and creative fulfillment, and those of our children.

In Outliers, Gladwell challenges the traditional idea that success in one’s chosen career is solely based on hard work and “the cream rising to the top” phenomenon. Instead, he cites statistics and historical references to analyze the elements that contributed to the achievements of some of our most successful artists, thinkers, scientists, and business people. He takes us through an explanation of how the opportunities that presented themselves to these individuals and groups had as much to do with coincidence of time and place, birthdates, and connections as they do with talent.

But it isn’t just external elements that create outliers. Gladwell also fo-

TEEN REVIEW

By Finneas O’Connell

I

read Outliers when I turned 16, and it changed the way I approach each day.

Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell is a study of the cause and effect of greatness.The book documents many unique cases of mastery, hypothesizing that in order to truly be a master in any field, one must have devoted around 10 years and at least 10,000 hours to that field. Subjects in this book include my favorite band, The Beatles; Microsoft founder Bill Gates; the “smartest man in the world” Chris Langan; physicist J. Robert Oppenheimer; and countless others. I found each story in the book to be totally fascinating, compelling, and inspiring—and of course, the stories are all true.

The book talks about the two prima22

YOUR TEEN

cuses on individual contribution to success, including the somewhat shocking number of hours (approximately 10,000) that it takes to become masterful in a given area.

As a parent, some of this information gave me pause. For example, I grew up an avid skier in Colorado. Based on my children’s physicality and coordination, I think they would be excellent skiers, too. Maybe even world class racers.

However, having parents who are actors and live in California provides neither the locale nor the means to ski at all.

Cross that future off their list.

On the other hand, we are artists and live in a major city, so they have been afforded some pretty incredible opportunities—some of which seem to be playing right into their interests and talents. So as I lie awake at night, I try to take comfort in that.

The best part of reading Outliers was watching the way it affected my son Finneas, who was reading it at the same time. Instead of focusing on any areas ry keys to success: the hard work put in and the opportunity to work hard.

For example, if you want to be a competitive gymnast, you have to practice and train all the time, but you also need to live close to a gymnasium and have a support system of parents and coaches who are willing and available to help you. We may not have control over the latter aspect, but we can fulfill our part by seizing every opportunity and being prepared.

I would recommend this book to anyone looking for motivation to work hard at the thing they love to do, or to anyone interested in finding out more about the history of some of the great creators of our time. The stories of the Beatles and Bill Gates, fascinating tales of successful hockey players, and the flawed hierarchy and cockpit culture of Korean Air pilots make this a great read.

The night I finished this book, I wrote "10,000 hours" in Sharpie above

| JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

in which he might have less advantage, he was hugely inspired by the individuals and groups (The Beatles, Bill Gates, etc.) Gladwell writes about in the book and the incredible amount of focused practice and hard work that they put into action.

I highly recommend reading this book and encouraging your teens to read it, too. It will give you lots to talk about.

Maggie Baird is an actress. She has appeared on many TV shows, including The X-Files, Six Feet Under, and Chicago Hope, and is a wellknown voice-over artist (she’s Samara in Mass Effect). Baird is also a singer/songwriter and she co-wrote and starred in the award-winning independent movie Life Inside Out.

my door. Every morning it's the first thing I see, and it inspires me to get up and work hard.

Finneas O’Connell is an actor and musician. He has appeared on Glee and Modern Family and starred as Shane in Life Inside Out. O’Connell is also lead singer/songwriter for The Slightlys.

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JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

23

PERSPECTIVES Perspectives reflects the full tapestry of our society: from parents, teens and professionals.

CONTRIBUTORS

Kids Can Be So Mean

Teen 1's Point

Teen 1

By Emma Miller Emma Miller

Teen 2's Point

Sophie Bartolotta

Teen 3's Point

Jesse Sparks

Parent 1's Point

Sheri Gross

Professional

Marion K. Underwood, Ph.D.

24

YOUR TEEN

When I was 11, a classmate of mine started hurting my feelings regularly.

She was not a bully. In fact, she was my friend, and that made her unkindness hurt even more.

Once, we submitted speeches to the same contest. She told me there was no way my speech would be chosen. Some days, she called me awesome. Some days, she would ignore me entirely.

She was subtle, undercutting. She would sneak in with a snide comment when I felt the most proud of myself or just when I happened to feel the most insecure. When I tried to “just hang out with other people,” she solidified her alliances with all of the rest of my friends.

I didn’t want to ask for help. I was sure it counted as tattling, that my other friends would think I was being unfair.

I knew all of the things I’d hear, and I wasn’t particularly interested in hearing any of the usual answers—people act out against their friends because they’re insecure; she probably thought she was kidding and didn’t know she had been insulting me all this time.

When I finally worked up the courage to go and talk with a teacher, she didn’t seem worried. Friendships change in middle school, she explained, and sometimes people grow apart and hurt each other’s feelings accidentally in the process.

So, I tried to stick it out. I didn’t want to lose a friendship, and she wasn’t al-

| JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

ways mean. I decided I prefered a fickle friendship to no friendship at all. Until she said something that felt like the last straw, and I told my mom. I don’t even remember what exactly she said that pushed me over the line, but I will always remember my mom’s lesson.

My mom told me to pick up the phone, call the girl (who she, decidedly, did not see as a “friend”), and tell her not to speak to me that way ever again.

My mom told me a phone call would show her I wasn’t going to let her make me feel this way any longer, that she couldn’t just walk all over me and then call herself my friend. Finally, she convinced me. I called.

I knew making that call would effectively end our friendship. So did my mom, but she knew my sense of self—and not this friendship—is what needed saving.

There are few things as volatile as middle school friendships and few things as unsteady as a middle schooler’s identity. A middle schooler’s life is full of constant turnover and transition; what’s cool and who’s cool and how to be cool are paramount, and it all can, and will, turn on a dime.

When my mom guided me through making that phone call, she proved that she was an anchor in an ever-changing time. She taught me to advocate for myself, to create boundaries, to believe I was worth better, and then to ask for better.

I had been taught—as we all are—the Golden Rule, over and over again. I tried to be the kind of friend I would want to have, but I had never before been taught to demand the kind of friend I deserved.

Emma Miller is a recent graduate of Kenyon College and is pursuing a career in the theater.

Teen 2

By Sophie Bartolotta

“Sophie, you’re being kind of a bitch right now.”

Those words struck me like a brick to the face. I stared at my friends, tears welling in my eyes. In the heavy silence and darkness of Jackie’s basement, I gathered my coat and keys and stormed out to my car.

I burst into tears the second I slammed the car door. I cried for a lot of reasons. My best friend had called me a bitch. My friends wanted to play that stupid mafia game that I hated and then ganged up on me. My head was spinning as a side effect of the birth control I was using. My boyfriend was on a camping retreat for the fraternity he was pledging, and I couldn’t call him. My parents weren’t supportive at all. Upon arriving home, they told me that Jackie was right, I was being a bitch.

But my parents—and Jackie—were right. I was dealing with a lot of horrible stuff during my senior year–the year everyone says should be the best year of your high school career–and I was taking it out on my family, my boyfriend, and that night, my friends. I started yelling at them over something so incredibly petty, and my best friend called me out on it. I’m glad she did.

I licked my wounds for a few days.

Then, per my parents’ suggestion, I reached back out to her and apologized for my actions. She understood and accepted the apology, but said that if I didn’t stop being so unpleasant toward her and my other friends, they would probably start spending less time with me. The possibility of bearing the brunt of my less-than-awesome senior year without any friends terrified me and shocked me into reality. I had to change my behavior or go through it alone.

I also started to see my mom’s therapist to work through my issues and their impact on my relationships. This experience showed me how to process my emotions more appropriately rather than project my anger onto others. I also learned how to confront my friends when I had a conflict with them rather than let it fester and turn into passive aggressive interactions.

My friends saw a vast improvement in my behavior, and luckily, I still keep

in contact with them three years later.

Now, when I talk to my college friends about high school, they can’t believe I was ever a mean girl. Learning to effectively handle my reactions to the unfortunate situations I can’t control allowed me to keep my friends and prepare myself for building college relationships.

Sophie Bartolotta is a junior at Northwestern University.

Teen 3

By Jesse Sparks

I still remember feeling nausea bubble inside of me as I sat in my high school’s journalism classroom trying to get a grasp on all of the tasks I needed to complete by the end of the week. From English essays about books I barely had time to read to extracurricular activities to college applications, the work on my plate was overwhelming.

With my palms moist, forehead clammy, I knew I needed to take a walk and breathe. I didn’t know where, I just knew I needed to go.

It wasn’t until I walked back into the room that an ill-timed and an unwarranted quip from my partner on a team project hit me.

The comment itself wasn’t anything remarkable, nothing especially creative

YOUR TEEN

| JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

25

PERSPECTIVES THE MEAN TEEN YEARS

or ruthless, and any other day I would have kept a clear head and brushed it off.

But it wasn’t the day for grace or a clear head.

Before I knew it, a bitter string of words I didn’t mean shot from my lips as I gathered my stuff and walked out.

Immediately, I knew I’d rattled a relationship I valued, and I regretted it.

Typically, in high school we’re fed narratives that tell us to fit neatly into cookie cutter stereotypes, or that tell us high school is going to be the best time of our life, or that tell us we need to have everything figured out.

And it’s stressful enough to push anyone to frustrated outbursts or emotional bouts.

But that’s the thing about high school, it’s a time for teens to experience themselves in their greatest and their worst moments. It’s a time for them to be inexplicably emotional or painfully ambivalent. For me, high school was a time and space for me to start figuring things out about the world, the people I

surrounded myself with and, most importantly, myself.

During the inevitable encounters with petty meanness, I grew more emotionally intelligent and learned about how I react to stress. I owe that largely to my mom. On the numerous days I came home furious, I would start debriefing the day’s events. Oftentimes, stories would come out muddled and confusing, but she offered something I didn’t know I needed: a reminder that I wasn’t crazy and the gift of perspective.

In the moment, high school engulfs you. Dating drama, academic stress, and a myriad of other things cloud your vision.

It feels like people keep adding more and more onto your plate. Sometimes, you drop the ball, you hurt, and you get hurt.

But it’s the chance to learn how to deal with the consequences and do better next time that really matters.

We make horrible mistakes in the midst of our haphazard attempts at self-discovery, and that’s okay. But its beauty lies in the chance to do it again and do better. Sometimes high school

sucks, but often it sucks so the rest of life doesn’t have to. To me, that’s worth more than a little nausea.

Jesse Sparks is a junior in the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern University studying Journalism and African American Studies. He can be contacted at @JesseASparks on Twitter.

Parent 1

By Sheri Gross

I recently found myself in the middle of a conversation about bullying with my daughter. It began with an episode of Disney’s Girl Meets World that admittedly has grown on me over time.

When the school halls were empty and she thought no one was watching, the character Riley would twirl around, dance happily, and use different accents while presenting imaginary awards to herself as positive reinforcement. A bully records her doing this and teases her about what she saw, threatening to expose her by sending the video to the

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YOUR TEEN

| JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

entire student body. Riley eventually confronts the bully with the support of her friends. She twirls and dances and, using a British accent, awards herself for facing her bully and thanks her friends for allowing her to be herself.

We never see the bully. She is the camera, and as the camera retreats, Riley’s friend says, “Don’t worry, the farther she gets, the smaller she becomes.”

This episode stuck with my daughter … and with me. The camera represents the fact that this bully could be anyone.

We don’t see her; she is the unknown.

She is the kid sitting next to my kid at the lunch table, or the child whispering behind the door as my child walks by. But, just because this bully could be anyone doesn’t make it any easier for our teenagers to identify and deal with these bullies.

As the director of a youth theater program, I am often a conflict mediator—helping young students negotiate their relationships, take responsibility for their actions, and feel confident with their choices. Lately, I have noticed

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a surge in the use of the word “bully.”

With information at our fingertips, we are exposed to media coverage of horrific situations in which bullying results in suicide—especially among young teens.

There is an understandable need to educate kids at a young age about bullying in our schools, around the dinner table and on TV shows like Girl Meets World, with the goal of teaching tolerance and empowering kids with the tools to stand up for themselves and others.

The question I have been struggling to answer, though, is how do we help our kids determine whether someone is actually a bully? As parents, we are justifiably fierce protectors, and tend to judge those who hurt our own. By labeling a child a bully are we protecting our kids, or are we becoming the bully? Has the line between mean and bullying become too blurred? How do we teach our kids about tolerance and forgiveness, but still keep them safe?

The line seemed pretty clear to some of our cast members during a rehearsal break: “Mean kids might take anger

out on someone. Bullies are constantly belittling and hurting people until they break.” “Bullying is about power and picking on those who have low self-esteem because they have no confidence themselves. In many cases, bullies were once victims.”

Most of these kids said they have never encountered a bully, but they have encountered meanness. One girl said she chooses not to share her opinions in the company of one “friend” because if he disagrees, he often laughs and puts down her opinion. Several others mentioned they had experienced being excluded from social plans and their feelings had been hurt. Some chose to ignore the mean behavior, while others confronted their friends, letting them know this behavior was hurtful.

From these intuitive kids, I learned that we are doing a pretty awesome job of instilling the right values in our children at a young age; that it is our job as parents to empower our kids to choose the right friends—those who will allow them to twirl, use a British accent, and

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celebrate the right to be themselves in a school hallway receiving an award—real or imaginary. I learned that confidence is the best weapon, and if we build our kids up, we don’t need to tear other kids down. And if kids can make each other feel larger than life, the bullies are the ones who will feel small.

Sheri Gross is the Director of the Mandel JCC Playmakers Youth Theatre and Performing Arts Camp and a mom of two teens and a teen-wannabe.

Professional

By Marion K. Underwood, Ph.D.

“Bullying” is not my favorite word to describe mean behavior. Mean behavior takes a variety of forms, but when researchers and policy makers say “bully,” they mean something very specific.

The precise definition of bullying is when one person or group with greater status or power chronically mistreats a person with lesser power or status over time.

There are many problems with this term. For one, the definition is too narrow to encompass meanness in all its forms. It is also too broad because it does not specify the form that the mean behavior takes. It trivializes harassment and aggression and relegates it to child’s play. And, most of all, it focuses on a type of person rather than a specific behavior.

We might be better served by referring to mean behavior in terms that specify the form it takes: social aggression such as social exclusion, malicious gossip, and friendship manipulation or physical aggression.

If we give mean behaviors more specific terms, we focus on the precise behavior rather than assume that someone who is occasionally mean is a mean person all the time. Being more specific helps us think more clearly about what we want for young people who engage in these behaviors, and about those who are the victims.

Here are some ways parents can help their teenagers deal with mean

behaviors.

1. Find opportunities to help your teenager make different friends.

Social exclusion can hurt, but adolescents and really all of us can try to control our own responses to it by expanding our social world. Having just one group of friends does have its disadvantages: It becomes too easy to stake your soul on how a single group feels about you.

2. Remind your teenager, “It’s not about you.” When a person behaves harshly, many factors are likely at work, most having nothing to do with anything the target of the aggression did or did not do.

3. Remind yourself, “You can only do so much.” As parents, we have to understand that our best hope, on a good day, is influencing our own children.

We really do not have much chance of fixing or repairing someone else’s children so that they never treat our children meanly again, as much as we

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4. Be a good listener. What parents can do is listen to their adolescent children describe social challenges, help them recognize specific forms of mean behavior for exactly what they are, formulate goals for what they hope happens when they encounter the person again tomorrow, and talk about what they can do to help things go better in the future.

Most of all, we can focus on helping teens have what all adolescents deserve: companionship with a variety of people they enjoy and friends they can trust.

Dr. Marion K. Underwood is the Ashbel Smith Professor of Psychological Sciences at the University of Texas at Dallas.

N

othing brings out the mama bear—or papa bear—like finding out that someone’s been mean to your teenager. But how you respond matters when it comes to helping your teenager develop the resilience to deal with difficult peers. Here’s some advice from clinical social worker Devra Adelstein: 1. LISTEN AND BE COMPASSIONATE. Oftentimes, our teenagers will tell us about run-ins with peers because they just want to vent. If that’s the case, try to listen, express compassion, and let it pass. “You can say things like, ‘That’s really mean and I understand why you're upset ’ or, ‘These things always hurt, ’ ” says Adelstein. “Compassion works better than specific ideas about how to fix the situation. Kids often prefer a good ear instead of a great suggestion.”

2. ENCOURAGE PROBLEM SOLVING. If your teenager does want help dealing with a peer, help her brainstorm possible ways she can fix the problem on her own. Is there a different friend to hang out with this

weekend? Is there another table to sit at in the lunchroom? Is there a new activity where new friends can be made? The key here is helping your teenager learn to self-advocate to solve her own problems with peers or otherwise.

3. DON’T LET YOUR OWN EXPERIENCES ADD TO THE DRAMA. Most of us struggled socially in middle school or high school, so it’s especially important to separate your own experiences from your teenager’s. “Is your teenager really devastated or is it stirring up your own memories?” asks Adelstein. “It’s hard to keep them separate, but it’s important to try.”

4. IT’S OKAY TO TALK ABOUT YOUR PAST. While you don’t want to let your own hard feelings add to the drama of your teenager’s problems with a peer, it can be helpful to talk about your past in a neutral way. “You could say, ‘You are making me think of something from when I was in 10th grade. I’d be glad to share if you want to hear it, ’ ” says Adelstein.

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The Cost of College 10 Tips for an Affordable Education

BY DIANA SIMEON

T

ouring colleges in New England with our daughter this past summer, we fell in love with several of the campuses we visited. But when we got home to Ohio, reality hit us like a cold, wet Nor’easter. After sitting down with our tax return and plugging in some numbers, we learned that our daughter’s tuition at those colleges would be about what it would cost us to buy a fully-loaded minivan—each and every year for four years in a row. Ouch.

As a parent, you hear a lot about how expensive it is to send a teenager to college. Yet, for whatever reason, I didn’t quite believe it until those numbers were staring me in the face.

Apparently, my husband and I are in good company. Like many middle-class families, we earn too much to be eligible for much need-based financial aid, but we don’t earn enough to be able to write a check for $40,000-plus.

Clearly, I needed some advice, so I picked up the phone and spent a few weeks talking to experts across the country. I’m happy to report that there are some real ways that parents can lower the bill, but—and it’s a big but— it requires you to make costs a priority well before your teenager takes her first campus tour.

Here’s what it takes.

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1

Understand What You Will Actually Pay

The sticker prices at many U.S. colleges and universities can be shocking, especially at top-tier institutions—like all of the Ivies—which are now upwards of $60,000 a year. Public universities cost less, but flagship public campuses can still run more than $25,000 for in-state tuition (and much higher for out-of-state).

The good news is that the majority of families do not pay sticker price. Instead, what they pay is an institution’s “net price,” so net price is the critical number you must consider when evaluating whether a specific college is affordable for your family.

The net price is the total cost of going to that particular college—tuition, room and board, fees, books, etc.—minus whatever “gift aid” the college awards your teenager. It’s what you will be on the hook for paying, in cash and loans, in order for your teenager to go to that school. (See page 34 for how you can calculate your family’s net price before your teenager applies.)

What net price can your family afford? It’s a question you can answer only after determining (1) how much you can pay out of pocket each year, and (2) how much money you’re willing to let your teenager borrow.

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PAYING FOR COLLEGE

2

4

Learn How To Keep Debt Reasonable

There’s no question that going to college is a worthwhile investment.

College graduates will out-earn their non-college-graduate peers by almost a million dollars over a lifetime, according to a 2014 report by the Federal Reserve. But too much debt will financially cripple your teenager, potentially for decades. The bottom line according to experts: Total debt for undergraduate and graduate school combined should be no more than your teenager’s expected first-year salary. “Borrowing more than that will put the student under a lot of financial stress,” explains David Levy, an editor with the Las Vegas-based financial aid consultancy Edvisors. “But if they borrow no more than what their starting salary is, they will be able to pay off that student loan indebtedness within 10 years.”

Your teenager wants to major in marketing? His debt should be no more than $40,000, or $10,000 a year. Your teenager plans to study computer science? Well, her debt can top out around $60,000, or $15,000 a year. But experts also recommend families tread cautiously here. We’re talking about 17-year-olds, so there’s an excellent chance your teenager is going to change her mind about what she wants to be when she grows up many times before she graduates from college. Unless your teenager is deeply committed to a particular career choice, it’s best to keep debt as low as possible. (Google “liberal arts salaries” to get some ideas).

3

Understand How Financial Aid Works

(Even If It Bores You to Tears)

When colleges use the term “financial aid,” they’re talking about two completely different kinds of aid. Number one is self-help aid—in the form of loans, mostly—which is money your teenager will have to pay back. Number two is gift aid in the form of scholarships and grants, which is money your teenager will not have to pay back.

Maximizing gift aid is a key way to lower the net price of sending your teenager to college.

Gift aid itself comes in two flavors: need- and non-need-based. Needbased aid is money awarded based on a family’s financial “need” as determined by the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA). In general, the higher your income, the less need-based aid your family will qualify for. Non-need-based aid (often called merit aid) is money that is awarded for your teenager’s accomplishments— most often academic achievement, but also sports, music, and other talents or activities. All families are eligible for non-need-based aid.

Go Where the Money Is For Your Family

You may be surprised to learn that colleges can vary significantly in the kinds—and amounts—of gift aid they offer to families. In fact, it’s not unusual for schools that are similar in almost every way to offer dramatically different levels of aid to applicants.

Take Williams College and Kenyon College. Both are highly selective, small, private liberal arts colleges in rural settings. Yet Williams provides no non-need-based aid—zip, nada, zilch—though it offers a lot of needbased aid. Kenyon, on the other hand, does offer non-need-based aid—to the tune of about $12,000 a year per student on average—but it’s not as generous with need-based aid. That means, for higher-income families, Kenyon is likely to be a significantly lower net price than Williams, while for lowerincome families Williams is the better bet. This scenario plays out over and over again, so it pays to do your research to figure out where the money is for your family.

Meanwhile, it’s no surprise that so many students attend public universities. Out of the gate, you’ll cut $10,000 to $15,000 (or more) a year off your net price by going this route—and likely even more with financial aid.

However, low-income families may actually fare better at private institutions that meet 100 percent of financial need (very few public universities meet full need). Read our list of “Best Websites for Understanding Your College Costs” at bit.ly/YT-college-costs.

TIP: File the FAFSA as soon as it’s available during your teenager’s senior year of high school. Students who file early will get, on average, twice as much grant money as students who wait until later in the year.

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PAYING FOR COLLEGE

5

Be OpenMinded

It also pays—big time— to be open-minded about where your teenager goes to college.

Middle-class families tend to focus, sometimes overly so, on getting their teenagers into top-tier institutions.

Unfortunately, these schools can be really expensive for middle-class families because (like Williams) they frequently don’t offer non-need-based aid.

The truth is, your teenager can be successful at many, many colleges, not just the ones topping the rankings in US News and World Report. “It’s so important to remember that there are many places where your child can thrive,” says Nancy Berk, a psychologist and author of College Bound and Gagged: How to Help Your Kid Get Into a Great College Without Losing Your Savings, Your Relationship, Or Your Mind. “And it’s not dependent on how popular a school is with your peer group or theirs.”

What’s more, if your student is capable of earning a spot at a top-tier institution, then your student has an excellent chance of being offered generous amounts of non-need-based aid at many other schools. Even less-than-stellar students can get significant amounts of merit aid, if they apply carefully. In general, you can improve your chances for merit aid by applying to institutions where your teenager is in the top 25 percent of applicants. Your teenager can also get merit aid for non-academic achievements, often in sports or the arts, but even for activities like volunteering.

“Those merit awards are to reward students, but they’re also to attract students to a particular college,” explains Cecilia Castellano, head of enrollment management at Bowling Green State University in Ohio. “For example, I recently worked with a student who was applying to Yale, University of Michigan, and Bowling Green. She was one of our top scholars. And she received the top award at Bowling Green.”

The student enrolled at BGSU this past fall. “I can’t speak for her, but in our conversations it sounded like Bowling Green was a better fit and we offered more merit aid,” says Castellano.

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6

Work Those Net Price Calculators

Thanks to the Obama Administration, every college and university in the United States is now required to offer what’s called a net price calculator, which provides an estimate of your net price at the institution.

Edvisor’s Levy recommends parents fill out the net price calculator for every school they are considering. “It’s better to have that reality check earlier in the process,” he explains. “If you haven’t run the net price calculator, you run the risk of your student applying to schools they’ve dreamed about and then you have to say, ‘I’m sorry, we can’t afford that.’”

JANUARY-FEBRARY 2016

These calculators—which families can fill out any time, even in middle school—take around 15 minutes. You’ll need your most recent federal tax return and financial statements (investments, savings, and mortgage statements).

What you’ll get is an estimate of your family’s net price for a college, broken down into your expected contribution and the aid you’re eligible for.

While these calculators are absolutely worth using, experts do caution that what you see on the net price calculator isn’t a guarantee—and, unfortunately, at schools with mediocre net price calculators, your teenager’s real cost of attendance can be off by several thousand dollars or more.

Sometimes, the schools don’t portray the actual cost of education,” notes Levy.

“They don’t put in the room and board or books, for example.” So make sure they have built in all the expenses (tuition, room and board, fees, books, and supplies). Make sure you also consider your teenager’s personal expenses (shampoo, a movie ticket, a new computer) and the costs of traveling to and from campus. If you’re skeptical—and you should be if the calculator only asks a few questions or only includes tuition—call the financial aid office and ask if those numbers are realistic.

9 7

Save, Even If Your Teenager Is Already in High School

Saving for college can seem overwhelming, especially for families who are already struggling to put away money for retirement. But even modest savings will lower your teenager’s overall college costs.

“It’s never too late to start saving for college, even senior year of high school,” says Levy. “Every dollar you save is a dollar less you have to borrow.

If your teenager buys a $10 pizza every week, it will cost you about $2,000 over four years. If you pay for that pizza with student loans or other types of borrowing, it will cost you $4,000 by the time that debt is repaid.”

There’s also a pervasive myth that saving for college will significantly impact your teenager’s financial aid award because a college will see that money and assume it’s all up for grabs.

Not true, says Levy. Financial aid formulas assess parental assets at a rate of 5.64 percent, so if you have $100,000 in savings, it will increase the amount you are expected to pay out of pocket by $5,000 or so a year (much less than the $100,000 you’ve saved). Note: Money should always be saved in a parent’s name. Any assets in your teenager’s name will be assessed at rates of up to 25 percent (be wary of saving in a grandparent’s name too).

Don’t Forget About Private Scholarships

8 Earn College Credit in High School

Of course, an excellent way to lower your overall college costs is to arrive on campus with credits under your belt. There are three ways to do this: taking Advanced Placement or International Baccalaureate classes— and scoring well enough on the exam to earn credit at the school you’re considering—or participating in your state’s dual enrollment program, which allows teenagers to simultaneously earn high school and college credit by taking classes at participating public institutions.

“For example, with Ohio’s College Credit Plus program, it’s possible to come into college with a semester or even a year of college done,” explains BGSU’s Castellano. “At BG, you’ve just saved yourself $10,000 to $20,000.”

Note that not all colleges and universities will accept AP, IB, or dual enrollment credits, so it’s best to check the policies of the colleges you’re considering before assuming it will lower your bill.

TIP: Parents should be wary of taking out loans too, especially if those loans can’t be paid back by retirement (or if they prevent saving for retirement).

You may be leaving money on the table if you don’t also explore private scholarships. These are scholarships offered by not-for-profits, corporations, and religious organizations—and some of them are eligible to students in middle school, if not earlier. “One of my favorites is the Jif Peanut Butter Sandwich Award, where your child could win a $25,000 scholarship.

That’s only available for students between the ages of six and 10,” explains Levy.

“A lot of times students only apply for the largest, most generous scholarships,” he adds. “Everyone applies for those. Some of the smaller ones are less competitive, but if you put a few of those together, it’s the same value.”

10 Be Honest

Last, but definitely not least, experts stress that it’s vital to be up front with your teenager—well before she applies—about what you can and cannot afford. And that includes the amount of debt you’re willing to allow your teenager to take on. Think about it: College is a mere four years, but too much debt will follow your teenager around for a long time.

“Have honest conversations,” says Bound and Gagged’s Berk. “And take a deep breath. As parents, we all want what’s best for our children, but unless you keep the big picture in mind— with all the financial details—you cannot make the best decision.” n

PAYING FOR COLLEGE

3 Great Colleges, 3 Very Different Costs Meet the Johnson family from Montclair, New Jersey. Their oldest child, James, is applying to college next year. The Johnsons have a combined income of $190,000 a year, plus about $60,000 in a college savings plan and $10,000 in a regular savings account. They own a $450,000 home, with an outstanding mortgage of $200,000. Here are three scenarios for how the Johnsonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s college costs could go.

Scenario 1

Scenario 2

Scenario 3

A selective private college offering only need-based financial aid.

A selective private college offering both need-based and non need-based (or merit) aid.

A selective in-state public university.

$67,000

$66,000

$31,000

Gift Aid:

$16,350

$27,000

$10,000

Net price per year:

$50,500

$39,000

$21,000

Total annual costs of attendance:

Note: these are estimates based on net price calculators designed to provide a sense of how costs can vary by institution.

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Save Big Bucks with Community College

P

erhaps the most costeffective way to cut the costs of a four-year college degree is to spend two years at community college, then transfer to a four-year institution. But once enrolled, how can students successfully stay on track?

Choose a major. Pick a major early, and determine the best courses to take to meet those requirements. Do the prerequisites in community college, so you’re ready to jump into your required (for your major) courses when you get to the bachelor’s-degree-granting institution. Mapping out your courses carefully will help you save time, money, and credits.

Know what actually transfers. Make sure you are picking courses that will transfer to the four-year school you plan to attend. Many states have “articulation agreements”— negotiated documents that make clear what’s required to transfer from one higher education institution to another.

“Our articulation agreement shows exactly what classes the student is taking, what classes they need, and how those credits will transfer,” says Katie Nielsen, director of admissions at Utah State University.

Some states have even integrated community colleges

into the state public university system. In Utah, for example, students admitted to Utah State University Eastern, a community college, are simultaneously admitted to Utah State University. At any point in their studies for an associate’s degree—provided they meet the GPA requirements for their major—“students can transfer their credits to a four-year degree without having to go through any additional admissions process,” says Nielsen. Many states have websites with detailed information about articulation agreements and the process of transferring.

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Two Ways to Pay for College: Save or Borrow Time and discipline may be your greatest allies when creating a college savings strategy.

Investing a set amount of money each month may seem challenging, but doing so now can make a significant impact on reaching your family’s goals. Contributing to a college savings plan now has the potential to save your family money when you consider saving versus borrowing for college.

Often, it will be less expensive to save than to borrow. Remember, you do not have to save for your child’s or grandchild’s education on your own – consider asking family and friends to help.

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PAYING FOR COLLEGE

TEEN SPEAK

I Chose the College I Could Afford

by Emma Freer

I

am a fourth-year student at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland. I was born and raised in Cleveland, Ohio, and people often ask me why I chose to attend university abroad. Now that the clock on my college experience is running out, I have had plenty of time to reflect on why St. Andrews was the right place for me.

I applied to nine schools in the United States, mostly out-of-state private schools. Applying to schools in the U.K. was a backup plan because I knew that my family could not afford the sticker price of the U.S. schools I was interested in and that I would most likely not qualify for financial aid. I was able to apply to five U.K. universities with one application that only cost $80.

During spring break of my senior year, I visited and fell in love with St. Andrews.

Luckily, my parents were on board with

sending me 3,500 miles away because it was actually the cheaper option.

To put things in perspective, tuition for the 2015-16 academic year at St. Andrews is £17,040, or about $26,000. Tuition for Johns Hopkins University, which was my top choice in the U.S.—and where I was accepted but not granted any financial aid—is $48,710.

Additionally, the U.K. education system really appealed to me. It is very different from America’s liberal arts style, so it is not for everyone. Students here only study the subject in which they are getting their degree. Since I already knew what I wanted to study, I really appreciated the chance to skip out on core classes and general education requirements. As a result of this narrower course of study, students in Scotland graduate with a master’s degree in four years instead of just a bachelor’s.

My favorite part of studying at St. Andrews is the opportunity to live and travel abroad. It is an education in and of itself. In the small coastal town where I attend school, I have experienced the university’s 600th anniversary celebration and the Scottish Independence referen-

dum. When my friends and I need a break from the library, we can catch a train to nearby Edinburgh, an international metropolis and also our downtown. On spring breaks and the occasional weekend, I have been lucky enough to travel all around Europe.

This Grand Tour has led me to the Villa Borghese in Rome, the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona, and the Wiener Staatsoper.

I have also been to the Keleti train station in Budapest, where the Syrian refugee crisis has been playing out in the past months. I just got back from Paris ahead of the recent attacks. I have been educated on global crises in a very intimate way.

When I graduate in June, I know I will be able to move anywhere in the world and feel confident in my ability to set up a life for myself. I was homesick my first semester, and I am always sad to miss Thanksgiving. But the benefits of attending school abroad far outweigh the challenges. For anyone feeling underwhelmed by their American options or overwhelmed by the college process, I would wholeheartedly suggest considering schools abroad. It is the best thing I ever did. n

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CROSSROADS

Surprise! Video Games Offer Real Benefits But You May Need to Set Limits

By Joanna Nesbit

If you have a boy, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve likely noticed he loves playing video games with friends.

According to a 2015 Pew Research Survey, 84 percent of boys play video games and say that networked gaming makes them feel more connected to friends.

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Photo: Beth Segal

Recent research demonstrates other benefits, too. Video games can promote critical thinking, problem solving, creativity, and collaboration. Friendly competition fosters “pro-social” behaviors—the ability to take others’ feelings into account—as well as iterative learning (trying again until you succeed).

Peter Gray, psychologist and author of Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life, believes the rise in teen depression and anxiety correlates to the decline of their sense of control over their lives and fewer opportunities to play outdoors, explore, and pursue interests. Gaming offers boys, especially, a way to play and interact away from adult eyes (girls favor social media for socializing).

“Boys also feel a sense of accomplishment with gaming they don’t feel in school,” notes Gray, a professor at Boston College. “Back in the day, most teens had part-time jobs, but they don’t anymore, and kids vary in their willingness to work for grades.”

But how much is too much when it comes to gaming? Until now, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommended no more than two hours of screen time per day (updated guidelines are coming in 2016), but in this era of mobile media, teens would have to live under a rock to comply.

Experts differ on how to handle gaming limits. Some, like Gray, suggest an organic approach that focuses less on specific restrictions and more on

meaningful possibilities for face-to-face time with friends in unstructured ways. Today’s busy adolescents yearn for downtime without a supervising adult, he notes.

helping teenagers balance gaming—and all technology— with other important activities, like school, family, and spending time offline with friends.

But other experts are firm proponents of setting specific limits, especially for teenagers who have trouble turning off their video games.

That includes Lara HonosWebb, psychologist and author of The Gift of ADHD. She recommends parents make a distinction between total screen time—homework, communication—and gaming time, with no more than two hours of gaming per day, with possible exceptions on weekends.

“Beyond two hours, we know gaming may be affecting kids’ ability to pay attention, and there will be negative consequences that interfere with teens’ developmental needs,” she explains.

Though they differ in approach, Gray and Honos-Webb do agree that it’s wise to get buyin from your teenager. Consider these strategies.

Help them identify ambitions.

If a teen’s goal is to attend a selective college or earn a spot on a varsity team, too much gaming can get in the way. HonosWebb likes the phrase, “It may not be worth it to you to make varsity this year, but video games are interfering with your achieving that.”

Watch for depression and anxiety. If your teen appears to use gaming to retreat, consider why. Trouble with academics?

Friends at school? Excessive gaming can stem from an underlying issue such as depression, anxiety, or ADHD. Studies show that teens with ADHD are drawn to gaming because they’re able to focus their attention, but Honos-Webb says too much of the activity can diminish these teenagers’ attention span for school and other realworld activities.

Help kids prioritize. Teens have full days with school, homework, extracurriculars, and sleep. Teens who figure out where gaming fits into their busy schedule will have a better outcome than when parents dictate time frames for them, especially if they’re older teens headed off to college in the next couple years (where they will set their own limits anyway).

Ensure solid sleep. Teens need a good night’s sleep (around 9 hours). Establish bedrooms as media-free zones after a certain hour.

Model responsible use. Watch your own media use. Are you on your phone all the time but nagging your teen to get off his PlayStation? Skip phones at the dinner table and strive for balanced media use—yours, too. n

Increase choices. Rather than adopting the mindset of setting screen time limits, Gray suggests ensuring teens have

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What to Look for in an Outdoor Experience Camp

A

s ummer camp experience can impact teenagers in many positive ways. Especially an outdoor adventure camp.

These camps take teenagers into the wilderness. It may be a backpacking trip in Colorado, canoeing through Maine’s Northwoods, rock climbing in the American Southwest, or sailing in the Florida Keys. You name the adventure, there’s probably a camp offering it.

Often, teenagers return from these outdoor adventures with newfound confidence, skills, friends, and passion for the outdoors.

“One of the power ful things about outdoor adventure is that teenagers get the chance to confront some thing diffic ult and overcome it,” says Scott Chapman, wilderness director for the New Mexicobased Glorieta, a Christian camp offering outdoor ad-

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ventures for middle school students through college.

“They get to face the unknown which is one of the greatest teachers.”

So, what to look for when evaluating outdoor adventure camps for your teenager? Here’s what Chapman recommends.

Start by asking your teenager. Really, this is about your teenager, so he or she should be in the driver’s seat when it comes to the type of activity—and even location (depending on budget, of course). “Talk to your teenager about what they’re up for,” recommends Chapman.

“But make sure you really help them understand what the trip will be like.”

Be bold. You may wonder how your teenager— who can’t be bothered to put her dirty cereal bowl in the dishwasher most mornings—could possibly manage the challenge of a wilderness adventure experience.

JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

But teens totally can, says Chapman. “Parents tend to underestimate their teenagers,” he says. “If they’re up for trying it, let them.”

Ask questions. It’s imperative that parents do their research about a camp’s staff and their experience with the outdoors.

Chapman advises asking questions like “How long has the camp been around?

How long have they been offering that par tic ular trip? How are the guides t r a i n e d ? Ho w d o t h e s e things compare to the rest of the industry?”

Last, but not least, Chapman suggests parents also take time to understand a particular camp’s philosophy about wilderness experiences—and specifically what they believe it will teach your teenager.

“Look at the mission of the organization,” he recommends. “At Glorieta, we’re a Christian organization, but other organizations may be more focused on, say, leadership. Understand why they are doing outdoor adventures. How are they leveraging the experience for your teenager?” n

Find Your Teen's Adventure ​​Glorieta is a proud sponsor of our Outdoor Adventure Camps article. Learn more about Glorieta at glorieta.org.

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​ he IB Diploma: Preparing T Students for College and Beyond

F

or decades, Advanced Placement has been the go-to for students seeking a rigorous high school curriculum. But these days, there’s another, increasingly popular option: The International Baccalaureate.

In fact, in 2015, almost 850 U.S. high schools offered the IB Diploma program, up about five percent in just a year. Educators say IB prepares students for college and ensures they’re ready for today’s globalized and rapidly changing world. Plus they can get college credit for the classes too.

“It’s a very forward thinking program with a global perspective,” explains Nick Beyer, dean of academics and International Baccalaureate coordinator for Beaumont School in Cleveland Heights, Ohio, which began offering the IB Diploma program this past fall. “The breadth and depth of the curriculum is significant.”

Starting in junior year, IB

say, a risk taker or an inquirer? That’s a beautiful thing.”

The IB approach can also give students an edge when it comes to college admissions; research by the International Baccalaureate Organization shows that IB Diploma students are accepted at higher rates to many U.S. institutions.

Also intrinsic to IB is its emphasis on service, as it aims to develop “inquiring, knowledgeable, and caring young people who help to create a better and more peaceful world through intercultural understanding and respect.”

To earn an IB Diploma, students must complete a

Diploma students take courses in five interdisciplinary areas—math, language, literature, the sciences, and the arts. Students also take a required Theory of Knowledge course, which is designed to help them learn to think critically about what they’re studying in the classroom.

In many ways, the twoyear IB Diploma program is similar to what it’s like to study at a liberal arts college. “It’s not just what is being taught, it’s how it’s being taught,” explains Beyer.

IB students are expected to be highly engaged participants in their own learning, and teachers are expected to create a classroom that is less about rote memorization and more about engaging students in inquiry, communication, and learning in a variety of ways.

“It makes teachers reflect on what they are doing in the classroom every day,” says Beyer. “How am I going to encourage students to be,

significant amount of community ser vice. And for schools like Beaumont — the first all-girls Catholic high school to offer the IB Diploma in the Cleveland area—this is a major draw. “ I B c a l l s i t C r e a t i v i t y, Action, and Service, and it’s a core component of the IB Diploma program,” explains Beyer.

“With IB, there is more opportunity for reflection on service and how it has an impact on our student’s community and the world,” adds Beyer. “It aligns perfectly with our mission of creating women for life, leadership, and service.” n

It's a Big World. Embrace It. Beaumont School is a proud sponsor of this article about the International Baccalaureate.

Learn more about Beaumont at beaumontschool.org.

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TECH TALK

#FOMO

By Audrey Mann Cronin

O

n the night before my daughter's highly anticipated camp reunion, posts of her beloved bunkmates at a sleepover party started popping up in her Instagram feed with captions like, “Don’t you wish you were part of our squad?!”

What?!

She hadn’t been invited. She came to me, devastated, asking if I thought she should still go to the reunion.

Honestly, it was a tough call, especially given the fact that all I wanted to do was chew out the host parents and send in a squad of my own (although the parents were probably clueless of the situation).

When it comes to FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), even our most well-adjusted adolescents struggle with that all-consuming angst when they discover that their peers are doing something, or are in the know of something, and they’ve been left out. Yes, with teens (and with all of us) FOMO has always existed, but it’s going into overdrive thanks to real-time digital updates— 48

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particularly on trending social channels like Snapchat and Instagram.

So, how do you come of age when an inanimate object with a screen is your looking glass and fifth limb? How do you navigate the potentially toxic social world?

FOMO is actually about coping with our new social reality, one that puts everyone’s lives in a public square, ripe for commentary and judgment. Whether our kids are troubled by an actual event, an exclusive selfie, or just the impression that the lives of their "friends" are much better than their own, we need to teach them life skills that help them build inner strength, confidence, and mastery over socially manipulative situations so that others cannot get the best of them.

According to author and internationally recognized parenting expert Rosalind Wiseman, “Being left out sucks. But, as parents, we need to affirm our kids’ feelings, listen to them, support them, sit with them, and guide them.”

JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

We may be inclined to offer our kids platitudes like, “It doesn’t mean anything in the long run,” or, “Popularity is temporary and unimportant.” But teens live entirely in the now, and imparting our time-tested wisdom about the future does little to help them cope in the moment. Instead, let them know it is normal and human to feel mentally deflated when they are left out. Be there to engage them in conversation, build up confidence, and work out the best approach to resolution.

According to Shelley Zalis, founder of The Girls’ Lounge and champion of the movement #ConfidenceIsBeautiful, “It’s all about instilling confidence in your teen so they realize that the action is where they are. Instead of focusing on what everyone else is doing, help your teen create her own space and appreciate what makes her special and unique.”

“I like to call everyone's social media feeds their ‘Highlight Reels,’” says Lauren Galley, teen mentor and founder of Girls Above Society.

“We all get excited to post our adventures and accomplishments, but I really can't express enough the importance of thinking before we post.

There are always going to be those mean girls who leave us out intentionally, or try to embarrass us. But we can never let another person place value on our self-worth.”

Research from the 2015 study, #Being Thirteen: Social Media and the Hidden World of Young Adolescents’ Peer Culture, finds that, “Young adolescents care deeply about being included by peers, and at this developmental stage, most have one peer group on which they stake their souls: peers at school. If they see something on social media suggesting that they are not included in this group, the stakes are high and young adolescents can quickly become anxious and desperate.” Study data shows that, “one in five (13-year-olds) checks social media in order to make sure that no one is saying anything mean about them, and more than one-third check to see

if their friends are doing things without them.”

How about we reclaim and rename the abbreviation FOMO. Let’s try to turn it into Friends Of My Own. Next time your tween or teen tells you that they just saw a group of classmates on Snapchat laughing it up, remind them of this substantive and meaningful form of FOMO. Encourage them to embrace their genuine friendships, to cherish those friends that they can trust and confide in.

Ultimately, I did not send in a squad of my own and my daughter did go to her camp reunion.

But she was disappointed that her friends spent the majority of the time snapping selfies and posting

on their social channels.

My daughter was able to offer this insight: “The image that people portray on social media is an idealized, exaggerated, and perfect version of what's actually happening. That is why friends shouldn't feel left out when they see other friends having fun in pictures on Snapchat, Facebook, or Instagram.

The picture only shows one moment and doesn't represent the whole experience."

As parents, our mandate is to love and protect our children—to be their safe haven. But we also need to raise our kids with a strong core of selfesteem so they can recover from whatever screen gets in the way. n

Strategies for When Your Teen Has FOMO • Build self-esteem. Tell your teens often that they are special and that you are proud of them.

• Always affirm their feelings.

Let them know it is normal and human to feel sad, upset, embarrassed, jealous, etc. when they are left out or humiliated on social media.

• Work through a solution.

Be there to engage them in a conversation to work things through, and include them in deciding the best approach and solution.

• Create a distraction. Make plans with your teens to do things that they love and are good at—a sporting event, cooking class, movie night.

When they are busy and happy, they are less apt to worry about what others are doing.

• Offer a different perspective.

Remind them that sometimes things happen with no premeditation or scheming to leave them out. The event or photo just happened.

• Encourage phone-free socializing. Encourage teens to put down their phones when they are in a social situation and have them ask their friends to do the same.

• Have a no photo-posting rule.

If your son or daughter has only invited a short list of friends to an event, ask that they don’t post any photos on social media.

• Empower your teen to be an upstander. Empower them to reach out to a friend who may be hurting someone else through social media and ask that friend to stop.

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MONEY MATTERS

When Teens Have Cash, Who Pays for What?

By Cathie Ericson

D

o you ever feel like your teen has more expendable cash than you? Having a part-time job, an allowance, and occasional birthday cash infusions without a mortgage or grocery bill can add up to lots of extra cash.

It’s good for kids to realize early on that there are expenses in life other than pizza and video games. Savvy parents will have their kids pitch in almost as soon as they start earning their own money.

But it can be hard to decide what expenses your teens will cover and how to broach the topic. Here’s some advice to make it work in your house.

Have Them Pay Early and Often “Your money is your money; you are not the bank,” Susan Beacham, CEO of Money Savvy Generation, advises parents. “The only way kids will understand and appreciate your support or resources is if they themselves have been accountable to take care of a want or need in their life.”

That’s the approach that Shauna Sisson of Dallas has taken with her kids, CJ, 15, and Jenna, 12, since they were “too young to know it,” she says. “We have split all

designated budget. “We gradually increased their responsibility based on how many hours they were working,” she says, adding that three of her four are now out of the house and appreciate the skills they learned. “They can budget and save and have learned how to get the best bargain.”

Beacham has found that parents get into trouble when they approach the topic in the heat of the moment, after reaching frustration as they watch their teen spend with reckless abandon. “They’ll finally say, ‘Forget it! You’re on the hook!’” but, as Beacham points out, then it’s punitive rather than instructive.

She recommends beginning the discussion early, reminding them in January that they’ ll be responsible for their summer activities or half of the pricey summer camp and talking about how they might save for it. During high school, begin talking about what expenses they’ll handle in college so they have four years to prepare.

Beacham has found that teens won’t complain when they have fair warning, and advocates detailing their responsibilities in writing so it’s concrete. “Kids are hoping we will forget,” she says.

the gift and chore money and given them half to spend and put half in a car fund, which we will match.” Along the way the kids have paid for such items as iPads, American Girl dolls, and other purchases that Sisson terms “ridiculous.”

Start before kids are making their own money, advocates Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and author of The ‘Me, Me, Me' Epidemic.

Provide a lump sum and let them practice making it last so they can learn to budget. Start off with lunch money and entertainment, and then add clothing and gifts as they become better at thinking through their expenses.

“They will probably exceed the money you’re giving them at first, so then they can learn how to cover that shortfall,” she says. Maybe if they blow their lunch money, they have to bring lunch from home for the rest of the month.

Decide What They Have to Pay For Pauline Kummerman of Portland, Oregon, always made it clear what expenses her four kids had to cover, from meals out and activities with their friends to buying gifts and clothing or shoes outside of a

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“You have to stand firm once you’ve established who’s responsible for what, since it’s easy to give in when they start badgering.”

Reframe the Conversation “The message should be that managing money is a privilege and my parents see me as responsible enough to handle it,” Beacham says. “When you pay for everything, you are undermining your teen by not giving them any control.”

Marketing is key, believes McCready. “Emphasize that they are growing up and this is a skill they need to learn,” she says. “Tell them, ‘You used to ask us when you needed something, but now we’re going to give you your own money so you can learn to spend wisely, save, give charitably, and make smart decisions.’”

Beacham points out that the goal is more than making sure they appreciate what you have given them. You are setting them up for a healthy financial future. “Talk to your child about money as often as you would any critical life skill,” she advises. “The way they manage money has a direct effect on their relationships, their ability to secure an apartment and job, and being a productive citizen.” n JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

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TWEEN TALK

Photo: Beth Segal

Sneaking Around

By Michelle Icard

F

ew things can cause a parent's blood to boil more than the suspicion that their child is doing something sneaky.

You said no dessert. But wasn't there a pack of Oreos in the pantry earlier?

You said no eyeliner until 7th grade. But what were those smudges on her pillowcase?

Yo u s a i d n o p l a y i n g Grand Theft Auto. But didn't that look like GTA in the Instagram photo his friend just posted of them?

It’s not unnatural for kids in middle school to experiment with some sneaky behavior. Most of the time, it’s harmless (although no less anger-inducing!).

Kids are sneaky for lots of reasons. Blame it on impulsivity, limited critical thinking skills, deep desire outweighing consequence ... it doesn’t r e a l l y m att e r. W h e t h e r

out with a cool detachment, the situation could easily backfire. If you yell, or shake, or lose control in any visible way, your daughter gains the upper hand because at the moment you lose any sense of calm, you’ve given your daughter something else to focus on.

It’s so much easier for tweens to act outraged at our outrage than to stop and process what they’ve done. We give them an out to put all their energy into being embarrassed or angry, and then, no lesson learned.

Instead, ask questions that indicate you think something is wrong and then ... wait. Try probing, but non-judgmental questions like, “I wonder where that shirt could have gone? I was really looking forward to wearing it to my meeting today.” Chances are, your child will simmer in guilt for a while and guilt, in this case, is

it’s downright defiance or flighty forgetfulness, what matters is how you handle it.

When you suspect your child of being sneaky, whether you have evidence or just a strong hunch, your first instinct is probably to teach them a lesson.

Imagine your daughter asks to borrow your new shirt and you tell her “Not yet. I haven’t worn it yet.” Later that day, you go to your closet to find that very shirt isn’t there.

Hmmm ... it did seem weird she walked out of the house with her jacket fully zipped to her chin.

You fantasize about greeting her at the bus stop and demanding she remove her jacket right there, in front of everyone, exposing your new shirt, her crime, your superior detective skills, and her guilt!

But play that out fully.

Unless you can act this scene

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your friend. A 2007 study published in Psychological Science finds that guilt is our brain’s way of punishing ourselves, regulating future behavior, and encouraging us to heal our damages. We do our kids a disservice when we take away their capacity to self-regulate in this way.

Of course, if you have an epidemic of sneaky behaviors on your hands, you’ll need to address the issue more directly and specifically. But for the occasional act of sneakiness, keep your cool, put guilt and your child’s good conscience to work in your favor, and allow nature to take its course. n Michelle Icard is the author of Middle School Makeover: Improving The Way You and Your Child Experience The Middle School Years. Learn more about Michelle’s work at her website MichelleintheMiddle.com.

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HOT TOPICS

Orange is the New Black’s Yoga Jones Spills on Parenting If you’re a fan of the hit Netflix shows Orange is the New Black or House of Cards, then you’re in for a treat. This issue, Your Teen caught up with actor Connie Shulman (Yoga Jones on OITNB) and her husband, actor Reed Birney (Vice President Donald Blythe on House of Cards) to chat about life on and off screen, which these days includes raising two teenagers.

Was it hard balancing an acting career while raising kids?

Connie: I took 15 years off to be with my kids, so I wasn’t acting for a long time. My number one priority was never to be an actress. My passion is my kids and bringing them up, and if I am lucky to be able to act on top of that, then that’s great. Acting makes me really happy, but being a mom makes me happier.

Connie, How did you wind up on OITNB as your first gig after your 15-year hiatus?

I just had good timing. I decided to test the waters again and called an old friend who is running his own agency.

He sent me out on this pilot for a series for Netflix. I thought the character went in and out of the prison and left the show. But I was in for a rude awakening.

Reed: I really give Connie full credit.

Thanks to Connie, I’ve had the opportunity to work hard on my career, so I have for many years said my role in the family was that I was a special guest star.

Are you and your character similar?

Yes. We are both very sensitive. We feel things very deeply, and in a difficult situation, our coping mechanism is to dig deep. Her sensitivity, her thoughtfulness about including everyone, and

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JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

the perception that she is someone you can confide in—I certainly hope I am like that.

Is the cast like a family?

It’s like a girls’ high school. You find your groups like in any situation; you find the people you get along with. I’m older on the show, and I have kids, so I’m coming from a different place than a lot of the other women. Just like any job situation, you find your buddies.

What are your parenting styles?

I am completely, without reservation, an attachment parent. As soon as I got pregnant, I left acting. Even though it went against the tide, our babies slept

in our bed. We never left our babies in their cribs to cry themselves to sleep because everything in my body felt like that was so wrong. And our kids went everywhere with us. They still do.

How did that translate when they became teenagers?

I don’t push independence on them. That is a New York City mentality—let them soar early and take subways when they are 11. I think it is completely the opposite.

Give them security, then they feel like they can soar. My daughter slept with me as a baby, nursed a long time—I went to kindergarten with her. And now she does runway modeling shows and flew alone to Chicago to audition for a pilot.

You can only parent based on your instincts or read advice books. My kicking and screaming instincts were against the tides. Lots of people thought I was crazy for not making my son go to college. I let my kids swim against the tides.

More time to pass along the family recipe.

Were you raised the same way?

I am one of seven kids, and I grew up in East Tennessee.

I went to college because that is what you did when you graduated from high school. There wasn’t much option.

But I look back and say if I could do something differently, I would not have gone. Especially for an artist. It won’t further your career.

Our doctor recommended calling Hospice of the

Reed, how do you approach parenting?

I feel very much like a scribe to Connie in parenting, but really because she is the primary caregiver. I would say my role in the household is really to keep everyone from panicking.

I’ll step in when somebody is on the verge of a freak out.

“It’s going to be okay. In the big picture it doesn’t really matter. Just keep breathing.” So that has emerged, I think, as my role. And to support Connie in her parenting, too.

Western Reserve after Mom’s illness caused frequent trips to the hospital. Now we have 24/7 in-person and phone support for her bad days and many more good ones. I’m

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Hospice of the Western Reserve’s compassionate care can reduce stressful hospital visits so you can spend more time together as a family. It isn’t about giving up, it’s about taking control. If you or

What’s it like seeing your children pursue acting?

Connie: Sometimes kids don’t want to follow in their parents’ footsteps, but in our case it was completely in their blood and in their hearts. We couldn’t be more delighted, which is also rare. I can’t think of a more wonderful career than being an actor. But my kids have seen the highs and lows of this profession. They know it’s a career of luck and hard work, and there is nothing easy about it because a lot of the career is trying to get a job. You must give every audition your best, even after 15 auditions that didn’t land a job.

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Reed: I do feel protective knowing the brutality of the life, but nobody could talk Connie or me out of it, although they tried. I’m glad that our kids have something that they care so deeply about. They work really hard and take it very seriously. n

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55

SMALL STUFF

Reclaiming Your Peaceful Sleep:

Enforcing Curfew

By Rebecca Meiser

A

short while before curfew last Saturday night, Carol*, a Cleveland mom of two teenage girls, received a text message from her youngest daughter, Sarah, asking if she could stay at the party just a little later.

But Sarah didn’t exactly specify what a “little later” meant.

And, in fact, her entire text message read something like “hi. i don't think this party will end at 11 so i'll tell u when to come.”

Carol paused briefly before writing back: “I want you home by 11:00 p.m. so we can go to bed.”

The response felt totally fine—and completely justified!—when Carol typed it. But the second she put down the phone, the panic set in.

Am I being unreasonable? Oh my god, I’m totally being unreasonable. What if she’s the only one who has to leave early?

Maybe I should text her back.

The internal chatter continued the entire drive to her daughter’s friend’s house.

Curfews are one of the structural requirements of family life. They give parents a sense of security and an assurance that their adolescent “will, at some agreed-upon point, re-emerge from the black hole of the night,” says Joani Geltman, a parenting coach and author of A Survival Guide to Parenting Teens.

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It gives teens a boundary and schedule for the night.

But they also cause headaches.

Disagreements over curfews are one of the most common frictions between parents and teens. As psychologist and author Dr. Carl Pickhardt explains, “An adolescent’s role is to push for all the freedom they can get, and a parent’s responsibility is to restrain that push.”

And arguments over curfews are seldom really about sleep. Mostly, they are veiled conversations about freedom, independence, accountability, and safety.

Kids in elementary school respond well to authoritative rules. Not so much teenagers. “At this stage, parents cannot make their kids stop doing something without their cooperation,” says Pickhardt. This change in balance and power leaves parents feeling stressed—and can result in testy conversations.

Pickhardt believes this is a good thing.

“Parents tell me all the time, ‘My kid is defiant. They argue and push back on everything.’ What I try to tell them is that it’s not truly defiance. The kid who shows no respect is the kid who simply ignores you.

This arguing is a gift. They are sharing information about what matters to them.”

Experts agree the key to a successful curfew is involving your adolescents early in the discussion. “Start by saying, ‘What time do you think you should be home?’”

JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

says Geltman, who claims she’s never had a teen respond with “3:00 a.m.” Once you both agree to a curfew time, Geltman suggests you also have your teen recommend a punishment for breaking it. “Kids are much harder on themselves than parents often think,” Geltman says.

And it’s important, once the curfew has been set, to keep firm on it.

“Technology can make curfew meaningless today,” says Geltman. “Parents think, ‘Well, he called and checked in with me, so it’s okay if he stays out another half an hour.’ But through leniency, your teen is really learning the art of manipulation.”

Curfews are meant to provide valuable time management and accountability lessons. “The job of parents is to teach their children sufficient self-management skills so they are able to functionally take care of themselves when they leave home,” says Pickhardt.

This is in fact what Carol’s husband reinforced to Carol right before she left to pick up Sarah. And as she pulled up to her daughter’s friend’s house, she was quite pleased to see a line of other mothers there, waiting, as well. Carol was careful not to mention this fact to Sarah when she slid in the car, though. One other important thing she’d learned about motherhood was when to let things go. n * Not her real name.

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57

SNAPSHOT

Growing Compassion for My Daughter’s Chaotic Teen Life

By Helen Chibnik

What started as a small disagreement with my 17-yearold daughter one morning quickly escalated into raised voices and slammed doors.

“You think you’ve got all the answers!” I said.

“You’re not me!” she retorted and marched out the door for school. She forgot her lunch, and I could tell from they way she stormed out that she wasn’t coming back for it.

Later that morning I found her missing earring. I walked into her room to return it and a photograph of her and her best friend caught my eye— two loving, smiling girls now embroiled in a bitter argument and no longer speaking.

I wondered why she still kept the picture there and if it hurt her to see it everyday. As I ran my finger across their faces, I was wishing they’d make up, and then guilt knocked the wind out of me. She was still suffering. I was probably too hard on her this morning.

I stayed in her room and surveyed the photos and ticket stubs taped along her mirror, mementos of a full teenage life. But there was the card she made for a classmate tucked behind her jewelry box, reminding me that she didn’t go to the party. “Don’t you want 58

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to give it to her?” I had asked that night. She pulled the covers over her head and turned away. “I’ll see her in school,” was all she said. I knew it was a text or a Snapchat that upset her, but she wasn’t talking.

She didn’t want to tell me everything anymore.

Among the cluster of half empty makeup containers, I saw the mascara we argued about the week before.

To my right was her desk, covered with art supplies and cookie crumbs. “No food in your room!” How many times have I said that? I picked up her roller derby jersey from underneath the desk and shook it out. When she told me she wanted to play roller derby, I figured it would pass just like violin lessons or her regular vow to keep her room clean. I might have been too

I knew it was a text or a Snapchat that upset her, but she wasn’t talking. She didn’t want to tell me everything anymore.

Breaking my own rule about using things without permission, I tried it. It was exceptional. More guilt. I thought she wanted it because it was pricey. “But Mom, you don’t understand, this is really good,” she pleaded with me at the store, but I didn’t listen to her—and if I’m being honest, I didn’t believe her. I felt a little shame that I made her work so hard for something as trivial as a few extra dollars for makeup. I put it back in the pile, lesson learned.

JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

verbal about my misgivings, judgmental even, but despite my negativity she forged ahead and then asked me to help her pick a player name and number. I realized she forgave my imperfections.

I remembered how much she loves me.

Finally I saw her science textbook. The entire school year she complained relentlessly about her teacher, even though she knew I would take the side of authority when it came to school. Then one day

I got a flurry of texts about how she was graded unfairly on a make-up science test. “I only had half as much time as the rest of the class!” she wrote, “I didn’t get to finish mom! I got a D.” Moments later, I was called into school, and when I got there she was alone in the guidance office, visibly upset.

“What happened to caring about students?” she’d told the teacher. “You want us to accept unjust treatment? That’s not okay!” Score one for my underdog whose test score went up by 20 points. She might forget science, but she’ll never forget what she learned about not giving up.

I stared at her room once more, and it came to me all at once how her teenage world is a series of storms in which I am a steadfast but slowly fading lighthouse. I left her room as I found it, and I vowed not to mention a single thing about our morning argument or the cookie crumbs on her desk.

When she came home from school, I decided, I’d just smile at her and say, “Guess what? I found your missing earring!” n Helen Chibnik is a music teacher, freelance writer, and mom to three teenagers living in New Jersey. You can follow her on Twitter @helensgoodideas.

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59

ALL ABOUT ME

Do you think we own the electric company?!?!

Must it always be about them?

All About Me is a chance to talk about something other than your teen—finally.

Shedding Light

By Stephanie Schaeffer Silverman

I swore I would never say it. I couldn’t even imagine what would cause me to say it. But I said it.

Given my three kids span a five-year age range, they have always been on different wake up and bus schedules. Earliest bus time was 7:25, and latest 9:03. While there is some overlap in bathroom and kitchen times, there is an approximate two-hour span of “getting ready”.

I never felt that I needed to be a big part of this process. Most days I stumbled downstairs about two-thirds of the way through. One such morning, by the time I got down the stairs, I had counted eight lights that were on—two bathrooms, hallway, foyer, walkway to kitchen, two kitchen lights, and the mudroom. What the heck?

“Do you need all of these lights on?” I mumbled to no one in particular. And no one in particular felt the need to answer.

How convenient.

“He-llllo?” I cooed. (I heard it as cooing; they heard it as nagging.)

“I didn’t turn all of them on,” reported child number two, never wanting to be the one called out. No, he didn’t turn them all on, but he has the lion’s share of devices plugged into outlets. (Now, truth be told, our family of five has about 15 devices plugged into outlets throughout the 60

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house—the obvious culprit for escalating energy bills.)

“That’s fine, but you don’t need all of them on—you can turn some off, right?”

I walked around and turned them off, much to the disdain of child number three, as child number two headed toward the door. Child number one, the perpetrator, had already left the building.

I was so annoyed—what a waste of energy and money. And that’s when I said it. I felt the words form in my mouth, but there was no stopping them.

“Do you think that we own the electric company?” I shouted, as child number two walked out the door.

I almost heard the needle scratch the record. The phrase my mother said often in the ‘70s, the phrase she muttered under her breath, as she walked from room to room, punching each switch off. My penny-pinching mom really thought that our turning off the lights two minutes sooner was going to turn them into the Millionaires Next Door (well, that plus driving 10 miles to get the best gas price, and endless coupon cutting).

But that’s only half the story.

Child number three dragged her backpack to the table, and proceeded to pull

JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2016

out a math problem that she didn’t finish the previous night. She buried her nose into the textbook, trying to see the dimly lit words on the page.

“Seriously? You know, you are going to go blind if you don’t get some lights on.

I don’t know how you can read that.” I grumbled and walked over to the light switch to shed some light on the matter.

“Isn’t that better?” I asked, all smug, and she looked perplexed.

That was my father’s signature move— always turning the lights on, desperately worried we would damage our eyes by reading in the dark. To this day, I don’t even know if that is possible, but if his annoyance was in any way correlated to truth, then it had to be true.

“I just don’t get why you would sit here and read in the dark,” he grumbled, turning on several lights at this point—completely negating the cost savings my mother had already calculated in her head.

So, truth be told, it was my mom turning off all the lights and my dad turning them back on. My siblings and I had very little to do with it, as it was becoming increasingly clear. Same in my house. Well, that, or revisionist history amongst all of the generations. Perfect. n

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