Your Teen for Parents July-August 2017 by Your Teen Media

Bigger Kids. Bigger Fun.

TECHNOLOGY in the Classroom

“I’m So Bored”

Communication

ANOREXIA

A Positive Trend

Getting Your Teen to Talk to You

BRIBING YOUR KIDS

Should You?

The Dreaded Summer Refrain

One Family’s Story

Mending Your Teen’s Broken Heart

VOL. 9 ISSUE 6 JULY-AUGUST 2017 $ 3.95

yourteenmag.com

Immerse yourself in the academic experiences of the humanities. Scholarships are available. • Develop essential leadership skills • Expand your critical thinking capacity • Contribute to your community • Study in an innovative, technology-rich environment • Become highly informed, well-rounded and prepared to transition to a four-year institution

Visit tri-c.edu/mandelcenter or call 216-987-2600

17-0090

CONTENTS F E AT U R E S T O RY

32 Communication: How to Get Your

Tight-Lipped Teen to Talk

34 What Parents of Tweens Say About Getting Their Kids Talking

Bulletin Board

10 Interfering Parents 10 #GPSex 11 Stats

16 A Babysitter or Just

Big Brother? 17 Teen Sun Safety

18 Move Out Skills

The Checking Account

38 Crossroads

When Your Teen Has a Terrible Anger Problem

20 In the Spotlight

Interview with Sarah Moshman and Dana Michelle Cook, producers of The Empowerment Project

Did You Know? Don’t Expect the Worst from Teens, Or You Just Might Get It

Living with Disordered Eating

A Personal Trainer’s Tips for Summer Exercise

47 College Corner Is Your 9th Grader Off to a Rocky Start?

50 Money Matters

Bribing 101: When to Use It; When to Ditch It

A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

Technology in the Classroom: A Positive Trend Sponsored by Hiram College

How to Embrace and Ace Tests Sponsored by University School

52 Tween Talk

Helping Our Kids Learn to Speak for Themselves

ON THE COVER

54 Tech Talk

Should We Worry About Online Dating?

56 Hot Topics

Interview with Michele Borba, author of Unselfie

29 Book Review H is for Hawk by Helen Macdonald

Modern Family

44 Ask the Expert

Recipe Roasted Shrimp and Chickpea Salad from One Pan & Done

More Important than Rules

“I’m So Bored” Drives Mom Crazy

13 Stuff We Love 16 In a Minute

36 Teen Speak: When Conversation is

30 Family Matters

58 Small Stuff

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

60 Snapshot

Mom, Can We Talk?

62 All About Me

You Complete Me. (Please.)

Special thanks to our cover sponsor, Hiram College; teaching students how to creatively and critically use technology to enhance their learning on and beyond the campus. Learn more at hiram.edu/techandtrek.

COVER PHOTO: BETH SEGAL

YOUR TEEN

| JULY-AUGUST 2017

July-August 2017 Volume 9, Issue 6

MORE CONTENT ONLINE AT

YOURTEENMAG.COM

PUBLISHER & CHIEF REVENUE OFFICER

Stephanie Silverman PUBLISHER & EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Susan R. Borison EDITORIAL MANAGING EDITOR

Sharon Holbrook

Why You Want Your House to Be the Teen Hangout Sure they can be rowdy – and make a mess. But here’s why you want your house to be where your teenager and his friends hang out.

SENIOR EDITOR

Jane Parent

COPY EDITOR

Laura Putre PROOFREADER

Emma Freer EDITORIAL CONSULTANT

Diana Simeon

bit.ly/teen-hangout

SALES

Lisa Golovan, Shari Silk CONTROLLER

Lisa Lindenberg CREATIVE CREATIVE DIRECTOR

Meredith Pangrace PHOTOGRAPHER

Beth Segal

WEB CONTENT WEB MANAGING EDITOR

Jennifer Proe

Parenting

WEB CONTENT EDITOR

Dating

Mindy Gallagher

Tiger Mom vs. Helicopter Mom

4 Ways Dating in High School is a Win-Win

bit.ly/tiger-versus-helicopter

bit.ly/high-school-dating

SEO INTERN

Jessica Port

CIRCULATION CIRCULATION AND DATA MANAGER

Eca Taylor

Your Teen E-Newsletter... Want more from Your Teen? Sign up for our weekly newsletters to get regular updates on middle school, high school, and everything else about raising a teenager.YourTeenMag.com/Sign-Up/

THIS ISSUE

A DV I S O RY B OA R D

Elise Ellick

Teen Counselor in the Division of Adolescent Medicine, Department of Pediatrics at MetroHealth.

Lauren Rich Fine

Ellen Rome, MD, MPH Pediatrician, Head, Section of Adolescent Medicine at Cleveland Clinic.

Chris Seper

Managing Director at Gries Financial.

Regional General Manager, Digital at The E.W. Scripps Company.

Marcia Hales

Amy Speidel

Partner at Morland Partners.

Amanda Weiss Kelly, MD

University Hospitals, Rainbow Babies & Children’s Hospital Pediatrician, Director, Pediatric Sports Medicine.

Julian Peskin, MD Cleveland Clinic staff member, Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

Certified Parent Coach at Senders Parenting Center.

Sonni Kwon Senkfor, MBA

Independent Consultant. Facilitator with The WIT Group and MAC Consulting.

Judy Stenta, MSW

Retired Project Director, SAY, a program of Bellefaire JCB.

Steven Wexberg, MD

Staff Pediatrician, Cleveland Clinic Founder and owner, Foundation. GardeningKnowHow.com and mother of five.

Heather Rhoades

Sylvia Rimm, PhD

Psychologist, Director of Family Achievement Clinic, Clinical Professor, Case Western Reserve School of Medicine.

Michael Ritter, CPA Retired Partner, Ernst & Young LLP.

Lucene Wisniewski, PhD, FAED Adjunct Assistant Professor of Psychological Sciences at Case Western Reserve University

Lee Zapis

President of Zapis Capital Group.

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Joan Allaby, Mary Helen Berg, Cathie Ericson, Jenna Fitzpatrick, Tracy Fitzpatrick, Olivia Fleming, Whitney Fleming, Sandra Gordon, Randye Hoder, Sara Lindberg, Anabel McGuan, Meghan McGuan, Rebecca Meiser, Ilene Neides, Lucene Wisniewski

Your Teen, Vol 9, Issue 6, July-August 2017 is a publication of Your Teen, Inc., a bi-monthly publication, $3.95. Bellefaire JCB, 22001 Fairmount Blvd., Shaker Heights, Ohio 44118. ©2017 by Your Teen, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without the written consent of Your Teen magazine.Your Teen does not verify claims or information appearing in any advertisements contained in this magazine. While advertising copy is reviewed, no endorsement of any product or service offered by any advertisement is intended or implied by publication in Your Teen.

ADVERTISING

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+Yourteenmag

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Contact Stephanie Silverman at 216-337-1374 Your Teen Media P.O. Box 21083, S. Euclid, Ohio 44121

YOUR TEEN

| JULY-AUGUST 2017

est . 1896

Forever green and white. No matter what colors come next. Congratulations to the Laurel School Class of 2017.

Boston College • Boston University • Carleton College • Case Western Reserve University • Colgate University • Denison University • DePaul University (2) • Elon University • Emory University • Gap Year in Israel • George Washington University • Goucher College • Ithaca College (2) • Kent State University • Kenyon College • Lehigh University • Loyola University Chicago • McGill University • Miami University (5) • New York University • Northeastern University (3) • Northwestern University • Occidental College • Ohio University • Point Park University • Rochester Institute of Technology • Skidmore College • Suﬀolk University • The College of Wooster • The New School, Eugene Lang College • The Ohio State University (7) • The Ohio State University, Honors College (2) • Tulane University (2) • University of Cincinnati • University of Colorado • University of Dayton • University of Denver (2) • University of Kentucky • University of Miami (2) • University of San Francisco • University of St. Andrews • University of Vermont (2) • University of Wisconsin • Virginia Tech • Washington University in St. Louis (2) • Wellesley College • Yale University •

LYMAN CAMPUS One Lyman Circle, Shaker Heights • BUTLER CAMPUS 7420 Fairmount Road, Russell Twp.

Girls Kindergarten-Grade 12 and Coed Pre-Primary 216.464.0946 LaurelSchool.org College choices as of May 19, 2017.

/LaurelSchool

@LaurelSchool

Dream. Dare. Do.

y d a e R t Ge

. y l t n e r e f f i d l t o do schoo

ounded in 1915, Hawken School is a coeducational private day school of over 1,200 students with an Upper School campus in Gates Mills (grades 9-12), a Lower and Middle School campus in Lyndhurst (preschool – grade 8), a preschool – grade 8 campus on Cleveland’s west side, and an urban extension center in University Circle. Supported by over $7 million in tuition assistance, the school is profoundly committed to the development of character and intellect. With its nationally recognized programming and stunning facilities, Hawken offers non-traditional schedules to support immersive learning and innovative teaching, real-world partnerships that connect students to their local and global communities, and inspirational learning spaces that support and stimulate learning by doing. Hawken’s tradition of academic excellence instills in members of its diverse and unified student body the skills needed to thrive in a complex world.

Coed Preschool - Grade 12

To schedule a visit and for more information call 440.423.4446 or visit hawken.edu

EDITOR’S LETTER For years, I was getting communication with my teens wrong. “Are you sure that you want to post that picture on Instagram? Won’t soand-so feel bad if she sees that you all went out and she wasn’t invited?” I repeated, nagged, and totally alienated my daughter, who walked away with that “I hate you” look. The post went up anyway. I wanted my daughter to be more sensitive to the effects of social media. And I also wanted an immediate response that reflected a deep understanding and agreement about my wise words. We parents know it’s our job to communicate with our teenagers about everything: drugs and alcohol, expectations, safe driving, school, friendships, respect, internet safety, and so on. That’s the most common advice we hear from our experts and deliver through Your Teen. But I’ve always found it confusing. For years, I have found myself talking to my teenagers while they appeared to shut me out. My voice was white noise. I did my best to follow the advice, but I still felt the word communication was wrong. I always thought we should use a different word or phrase instead of communication. How about “talking to a wall,” “falling on deaf ears,” or “the sounds of silence”?

When I looked up the definition of communication, I realized I’d had it wrong. Communication: the imparting or exchanging of information or news. I only had half the picture; I was focused on the exchanging of information without realizing that imparting was also included. Communication does not always need to be two ways. My aha moment. When I thought that communication was always a two-way street, I insisted on a response from my children. Then I changed my approach. I started to throw out my wisdom, such as it is, and walk away. I put it out in the universe and hoped I was heard, but I stopped requiring a response. And things began to change. At one point, I understood that one child would be drinking alcohol. I hated that there was alcohol, but I said, “Don’t ever drive drunk or get in the car with a friend who has been drinking. You can call and we will pick you up with no questions.” And I left the room. Some time later, I heard that child talking to a friend and saying, “I promise, my parents will pick us up if we need a ride.” Message received.

and once again she nails it with her good-sense feature. As always, many more articles will change your parenting with coverage of aggressive teenagers, dealing with eating disorders, teaching our teens to speak up, exercise, talking about birth control, and more. We’ve had some big changes at Your Teen. Managing editor Diana Simeon has moved on to another opportunity. Her contribution has been so far reaching that it’s hard to imagine Your Teen without her. Thank you, Diana, from the bottom of our hearts. This change, although uninvited, did lead to two wonderful opportunities. We welcome print managing editor, Sharon Holbrook, and web managing editor, Jennifer Proe to Your Teen. They both nimbly jumped on board while the train was moving and have quickly become invaluable. We are so grateful for Diana’s help for the past six years and feel so blessed to have two new rock stars, and we remain always thankful for the loyalty of you, our valued readers. Enjoy the read!

You’ll want to read the feature about communicating with our teens. We’re thrilled when Randye Hoder shares her talents with Your Teen,

YOUR TEEN

| JULY-AUGUST 2017

WOW! WADE OVAL WEDNESDAYS

JUNE 14- AUGUST 30 // 6-9PM FREE Outdoor Concerts In University Circle PROUDLY SPONSORED BY

FEATURED

CONTRIBUTORS SARAH MOSHMAN & DANA MICHELLE COOK

Ready to get inspired? Flip to page 20 for our interview with Sarah Moshman and Dana Michelle Cook, who in 2009 founded Heartfelt Productions with the goal of creating more positive media programming for women. Their documentary The Empowerment Project tells the stories of 17 inspirational women across the U.S.

MICHELE BORBA

Teenagers take a lot of selfies (thank you Snapchat), but does that mean we’re raising a generation of narcissists? Well, yes, says Michelle Borba, EdD, author of the just-released UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. But it’s not just because teenagers take selfies. Turn to page 56 to find out what Borba says parents can do to counter today’s me-me-me culture. process 4-color red: C=0 M=100 Y=96 K= 33 green: C=43 M=0 Y=34 K= 38 blue: C=57 M=0 Y=6 K= 19

CircleTrek IN CLEVELAND HEIGHTS

FREE Guided Walking Tours of University Circle Saturdays, June 17-October 28 Departing 10:30 am from the Information Center on Wade Oval

CHOOSE YOUR PATH Discover stories of innovation in science, the arts, and education with CircleWalk, University Circle’s self-guided walking tour. CircleWalk.org

Visit UniversityCircle.org to register!

Visit us at UniversityCircle.org 216.707.5033

YOUR TEEN

| JULY-AUGUST 2017

LUCENE WISNIEWSKI

This issue’s Modern Family tackles a difficult topic: disordered eating. We asked Lucene Wisniewski, PhD, FAED—who has been treating eating disorders for more than 20 years—to help us understand how parents can help. “Any sign of disordered eating is enough to warrant a discussion with a professional,” stresses Wisniewski. Read more on page 41.

MEREDITH THERRIEN

Summer is here and for some teenagers that can mean a whole lot of sitting around. Check out our interview with Meredith Therrien, a NYC-based personal trainer with Energetic Juniors, for some helpful ideas for how to get your teenager off the couch. You’ll find it on page 44.

DISCOVER THE WORLD BEYOND YOUR BACKYARD Step out this summer and join us on an adventure exploring the wonders of Ohio nature at the

“THE BEST 2-AC CLEV RES IN ELAN - The D” Pla

Tickets at CMNH.org

in De aler

BULLETIN BOARD

We asked teens... Did your parents ever intervene on your behalf where it just wasn’t helpful, and you wished they hadn’t?

My mother emailed my guidance counselor in the beginning of my senior year to tell him that one of my teachers wasn't being "nice." The teacher was called to guidance, I was called to guidance (separately), and everyone ended up feeling very awkward in the end. To this day, the teacher is extra careful with what she says.  Tara, Jericho, NY

I was having a fight with one of my friends, and I told my mom. She then took it upon herself to call the mom of my friend and talk about our fight. It wasn't helpful at all. Kara, Princeton, NJ

When I didn’t have a date to the prom, my mom made me go with my cousin. I love my cousin and she’s got a great sense of

YOUR TEEN

| JULY-AUGUST 2017

humor, but I wish my mom had stayed out of it. Zeke, Cleveland Heights, OH

My mom wouldn't let me break up with a boy over text, so I had to call him. I wish she hadn't done that because it was awkward.  Hannah, Chagrin Falls, OH

My mom keeps telling my music teachers at school that I want to quit piano. Then they hassle me not to quit. I think it should be up to me! Adam, Shaker Heights, OH

At an assembly, the dean of students had to stop the assembly so she could announce to the whole school that I needed to call my mom. It was really embarrassing.  Preston, Chicago, IL

#ParentHack

GPSex I remember when my children were in elementary school and I knew where they were at all times. I drove them to their games/lessons/playdates, or I was part of a highly-organized carpool. Dinner, bath, reading time, and bed by 8:30 p.m. I was in complete control of their busy calendars. By 9:00 p.m., it was time with my husband and a glass a wine, a rehash of the day, and sex. That’s right—I said sex. Then my kids got to middle school, and things drastically changed. Their activities ended later, there was more homework, and bedtime was no longer at 8:30 p.m. Plans changed on the fly, and there were new friends with parents I didn’t know. There were now phone calls letting me know they had a ride home with someone’s parent or asking if I could drive a carload of kids home. Suddenly, there was no time without children awake and no time for sex in a house built with surprisingly thin walls. The middle school phase also came with new cell phones, which were, of course, frequently misplaced or lost. So we instituted a new rule: Every phone had to have a locator app on it, and we had to have access to that app on each phone. We found phones lost in sofa cushions, in the garage, in the backyard, and in the car. Those apps had another handy feature, too: They let us know where the phones were at all times, along with the child who went with it. We realized that if one kid was at the mall and the other at a movie at 3:00 p.m. on a Saturday, neither one of them would be home for at least 30 minutes—and there was our opportunity to have sex. Not the romance of earlier days, but better than nothing. Incidentally, nothing kills the mood faster than my husband looking at his tablet and saying, “Crap, the phone is moving!”—Anonymous

Congratulations

By the Numbers

to the HB Class of 2017,

1904 The year

now off to make their marks at some of the finest colleges and universities in the world:

the ice cream cone was invented at the St. Louis World Fair. Americans eat more ice cream than anyone else—an average of 20 quarts a person per year.

ECREAMERY.COM

$304 The average

cost for a week of day camp in the United States. Meanwhile, sleepaway camp will set you back an average of $690 a week.

AMERICAN CAMP ASSOCIATION

Babson College (2) Bates College Boston University (2) Bowdoin College Brown University (3) Bucknell University (2) Butler University Case Western Reserve University (3) Chapman University College of William & Mary/University of St. Andrews (joint program) Colgate University Columbia University Columbus College of Art & Design (2) Cornell University Dartmouth College DePaul University (2) Drew University Emory University (2) Franklin and Marshall College Georgetown University Goucher College Harvard University (2) Indiana University, Bloomington Johns Hopkins University Lehigh University Loyola Marymount University Loyola University, Maryland Massachusetts Institute of Technology Miami University, Oxford (5)

45% The percentage of Americans that take a summer vacation. They travel, on average, about 250 miles each way for summer trips—and 90% do it by car. The most popular destination: the beach.

STATISTIC BRAIN

11,000 The

number of 12- to 17-yearolds per day who drink alcohol for the first time during the summer.

SAMHSA

20% The increase

in motor vehicle deaths among 16- and 17-yearolds over the summer. July and August are the most dangerous months for teenagers behind the wheel.

Middlebury College Mount Holyoke College New York University, Abu Dhabi Northwestern University Princeton University Purdue University (3) Rochester Institute of Technology (3) Saint Lawrence University Saint Louis University Smith College Stanford University (2) Swarthmore College The Ohio State University (5) Tufts University (2) Tulane University University of California, Berkeley University of Chicago University of Colorado, Boulder University of Dayton University of Delaware University of Florida University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign University of Michigan (4) University of Pennsylvania (3) University of Virginia Vanderbilt University (2) Wake Forest University Washington University, Saint Louis (4) Williams College (2) Xavier University Yale University

AAA

YOUR TEEN

| JULY-AUGUST 2017

BULLETIN BOARD

YT Book Recommendation

Where Futures End

Home care for you and your parents. We’ll help keep you well.

Team approach – nurses, rehab therapists and home health aides 24/7 on-call service Flexible schedule meets your needs Personal care assistance Chore services and homemaking Respite and companionship care Medication management Lifeline Medical Alert Service

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YOUR TEEN

JULY-AUGUST 2017

by Parker Peevyhouse  In today's world, do our modern-day advances really set us apart? At times it seems like we are actually set on destroying ourselves instead of advancing. We frequently debate the longterm consequences of our global actions on society. Whether it’s environmental pollution causing extreme weather patterns, social media and its effects on our personal interactions, the epidemic of drug addiction, or our handling of border issues and immigration, we have some rather important societal issues to face.  Parker Peevyhouse’s science fiction novel  Where Futures End addresses these issues and many more. In a series of vignettes, Peevyhouse introduces us to five teenagers living in five different futures, ranging from one year to more than 100 years from now. The universe they live in coexists with a parallel universe where these issues do not exist, and few can travel between the two worlds. In the first story, we meet Dylan, who is struggling with memories of a different place and time. Ten years into the future, we meet Brixney, who is trying desperately to stay out of a debtors' colony. Even further into the future, we get a peek into the life of Epony and how she is attempting to survive with social media at the core of everyone’s very existence. And Reef takes us to a time where real life and virtual reality are completely blurred.  Finally, more than 100 years into the future, we meet Quinn, who puts the pieces together and discovers the secrets of the parallel world.   Although at times it was difficult to suspend my sense of reality, it certainly kept me wondering. Are we doomed to destroy ourselves or is there hope for us yet? Read it for yourself and see what you think. —Ilene Neides

STUFF WE LOVE

Let’s Go! Mountainsmith Clear Creek 18 WSD Backpack

$69.95 . From mountain biking to hiking, this day pack specifically designed for women holds all your gear essentials and weighs only 19 oz. mountainsmith.com

FITS Light Runner Low Sock $16.99 . Finally! A low-show sock that your shoe will not eat. Stays put during your workout, with high impact cushioning where you need it. fitssock.com

DZR Shift Flat Pedal Shoes $89 . These stylin’ clipless urban bike sneakers will keep you looking good during your ride—and après cycling, too. dzrshoes.com

Stasher Non-Plastic Storage Bags

From $9.99 . The first and only self-sealing, air-tight, non-plastic bag. Reuse this silicone bag up to 3,000 times. You can even put it in the microwave! stasherbag.com

Solo Urban Impulse Duffel $69.99 . Perfect for a guy’s weekend getaway, with lots of compartments to keep your laptop away from your dirty clothes. solo.net

Welch’s Fruit Rolls

6 count box/$2.99 . Fruit your kid will actually eat. Gluten and preservative free and made with no artificial flavors and colors with 100% daily value of Vitamin C. welchsfruitsnacks.com

YOUR TEEN

| JULY-AUGUST 2017

STUFF WE LOVE

Lookin’ Good! Rowenta Steam ‘N Press

$29.99. Wrinkled clothes don’t impress anyone. Use the Steam 'N Press as a portable iron to remove wrinkles or as a vertical steamer for delicate fabrics. target.com

ColorProof Crafting Pomade

$25 . Summer is no time for fussing with your ‘do. One product for flexible hold and humidity control? Done! colorproof.com

YOUR TEEN

JULY-AUGUST 2017

Speechlust Stackable Loose Bangle $45. Simple, classic bangles that keep your meaningful words on your wrist and on your mind. Find the word that perfectly describes you or your loved one. speechlust.com

Dwimmer Tie

$150. Luxury neckties that will always get noticed. The perfect accessory for the well-dressed man or woman who wants to look great with minimal effort. dwimmer.com

Tech Support Charge Hub: The USB Supercharger

$39.99-$59.99. Tired of asking who stole your charger cord? Now your entire family can charge its devices at the same time with one easy power source. Choose from three, five, or seven ports. thechargehub.com

Jill-e Jillian 13” Laptop Sleeve

$39.99. Unfold it— it’s a laptop sleeve. Fold it up— it’s a clutch for your tablet. Boom. jill-e.com

CELLslip Phone Bag

HÄNS Swipe-Clean

Starts at $15. We admit it—we’re addicted to our smartphones. That’s why we love this phone bag. Toss your phone into it when you get into your car, and it blocks all incoming and outgoing calls and texts so you drive undistracted. Retrieve all text messages, voicemails, and app notifications once you remove the phone. cellslip.com

$14.95-$36.95. Your phone is probably your dirtiest possession. Gross! Swipe away bacteria, grime, and fingerprints, and give your devices a like-new shine. hans-swipe.com

Is your teenager unique? Looking for an alternative to a four-year college? “Career In A Year”

Central School of Practical Nursing 4700 Rockside Road, Summit 1, Suite 250, Independence, OH

80 years of Practical Nursing Education in Cleveland

cspnohio.org | tel: 216.901.4400 CSPN IS A NON-PROFIT INSTITUTION • PRIVATE SCHOOL EDUCATION For more information about our graduation rates, the median debt of students who completed the program and other important information, please visit our website at: http://tinyurl.com/cspn-disclosure-statement

YOUR TEEN

| JULY-AUGUST 2017

IN A MINUTE

A Babysitter or Just Big Brother?

here’s hardly a more gleeful day than when you realize your older kid is officially able to watch your younger ones. Just think of the possibilities: Grocery shopping by yourself! Maybe even—gasp!—an evening visiting the new local wine bar. Oh, and the money you’ll save by not paying a babysitter! Or, wait … do you have to pay the older sibling? Surely he should help out just because he’s part of the family, right? Not so fast, says Dr. Vivian Sierra, licensed marriage and family therapist in St. Louis.

YOUR TEEN

| JULY-AUGUST 2017

“If the babysitting becomes regular and takes up an entire day or evening, remember it can keep the older sib from participating in other activities or earning money babysitting elsewhere,” she says. It also can impact the siblings’ relationship if the older sibling resents the uncompensated responsibility. On the other hand, many families are not in a position to pay, particularly at the going rate, and consider it a household chore like any other. “Choosing to pay or not can be controversial and is above all an individual family choice,” says Sierra.

The joyous day I first left my oldest with my youngest two, I learned a valuable lesson: The oldest has limited authority if the younger ones won’t cooperate. So, I decided to divide up the babysitting fee. If they could co-exist without calls to mom—besides in an emergency, of course—they each got a little spending money. Believe me, that compromise felt like money well spent as I sat and enjoyed a phone-call-free second cup of coffee. —Cathie Ericson

Teen Sun Safety:

You Set the Rules

f you’re of, ahem, a certain age, you probably remember the days of “lying out” in the backyard, covered in baby oil— maybe even lying on foil—all in pursuit of that coveted, bronzey tan. Now, older and wiser, we’re still slathering ourselves up, but it’s with SPF 50. Like our former selves, many teens will go to unsafe lengths to pursue a tan, from venturing out sans sunscreen to climbing into the tanning bed. Bad idea, says Dr. Ellen Rome, head of the Center for Adolescent Medicine at Cleveland Clinic Children’s Hospital. “It’s important for young people and parents to understand that melanoma does not just affect adults. In fact, over the past 40 years, the rate of skin cancer among children and teens has increased by more than 250%,” she notes. Indoor tanning is particularly harmful for kids and teens because their skin is very sensitive to the ultraviolet (UV) rays produced by tanning beds, she says. Yet, annually, an estimated 1.6 million U.S. minors use them anyway. “In a perfect world, no tan would be needed to define beauty, and your natural color would be in,” Rome says. Since, sadly, that is not yet the case, she says parents need to just say no to unsafe tanning and encourage teens to consider alternatives like spray tans (avoid breathing in the spray) or sunless tanning lotions. Treat sun protection as a health and safety issue, just as you require teens to wear a seatbelt and encourage them to eat nutritious food.—C.E.

YOUR TEEN

| JULY-AUGUST 2017

MOVE-OUT SKILLS

The Checking Account By Diana Simeon Sure, it’s helpful for your teenager to know how to do laundry, shop for groceries, and clean a bathroom. But being able to manage money is not just helpful; it’s a cornerstone of responsible adulthood. That means it’s important for parents to teach teenagers basic financial skills before college. Let’s start with the checking account. 1. Open a checking account well before your teenager leaves for college. Most banks will allow you to open a checking account starting at age 13. 2. Show your teenager how to use the account. This includes withdrawing cash, depositing cash or checks (at the ATM, inside the bank, and online), paying bills, and tracking balances. Download the app to his phone, so he learns how to do his banking online too. 3. Practice actual check writing. Though it’s not often that any of us need to write a check anymore, it’s still a skill your teenager will likely need at some point (think: paying rent). Writing a check is not intuitive. Get your teenager accustomed to filling out a check. If she doesn’t have bills to pay of her own, then have her write you a check every now and then—or let her fill out your checks (and then you sign). 4. To balance or not to balance the checkbook? With up-to-the-minute balances just a click away, it can be tempting not to balance a checkbook. And many adults don’t. But doing so can be a helpful way to reinforce the idea that the balance you see on the screen may not accurately reflect the amount of money you have available to spend (think: outstanding checks, scheduled bill payments). Stay tuned for our next issue when we'll tackle credit cards. 18

YOUR TEEN

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RECIPE

Summertime, and the Cooking Is Easy What could be easier than a delicious dinner with only one dish to clean up? In One Pan & Done, Chef Molly Gilbert shows you how to use your oven to your advantage, letting it do most of the work to turn out juicy, crispy roasts, succulent vegetables, rich stews, flaky fish, and, of course, sweet treats. Think of it as fast slowcooking, but with the benefits of baking, roasting, and broiling for concentrated, intense flavor every time. Whether you’re an over-scheduled parent just trying to get something nutritious on the table or an accomplished cook, you deserve food that’s big on flavor, but simple on steps. With Molly’s recipes, you get in the kitchen, and you get out. Chef Molly says: “This quick salad is a wonderful mix of texture, temperature, and flavor. The shrimp, chickpeas, and red onion roast together on a sheet pan with a quickly made lemony vinaigrette, getting plump and juicy and warm. Then we stir in some crisp celery and fresh dill to add coolness and crunch. It’s an unexpectedly fun and healthy treat, whether dished up for dinner or boxed up and toted to school or work as a 'not sad desk lunch.'” Serve with a few slices of crusty baguette.

ROASTED SHRIMP AND CHICKPEA SALAD Serves 2-4. INGREDIENTS: 1 lb. peeled and deveined large shrimp, tails removed 1 (15-oz) can chickpeas, drained and rinsed 1 small red onion, thinly sliced ¼ cup fresh lemon juice, plus more for serving 2 tbsp capers, drained ¼ cup extra virgin olive oil ¼ tsp kosher salt ¼ tsp ground black pepper 4 stalks celery, chopped (about 2 cups) 2 tbsp chopped fresh dill ½ cup chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley DIRECTIONS: 1. Preheat the oven to 400°F, with a rack in the center position. 2. Toss the shrimp, chickpeas, onion, lemon juice, capers, olive oil, salt, and pepper together on a sheet pan. Roast until the shrimp are pink and opaque, about 10 minutes. 3. Remove the pan from the oven. Add the celery, dill, and parsley, and stir to combine. 4. Serve the shrimp salad warm or at room temperature, with an extra squeeze of lemon on top.

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IN THE SPOTLIGHT

QA &

...with Sarah Moshman & Dana Michelle Cook

After working in reality television for a number of years, Sarah Moshman and Dana Michelle Cook were both feeling discouraged with the way women were being portrayed in the media. In 2009, they founded Heartfelt Productions to create more positive content for women, and in 2014 they released a documentary called The Empowerment Project, which follows 17 inspirational women across the country and encourages women to be ambitious and strong in their careers. We spoke with Moshman and Cook to learn more about this project What led you to create The Empowerment Project? Sarah: Dana and I both worked in reality television. We were really disappointed with the lack of representation of strong women and positive female role models for girls, especially teenage girls. We began to wonder, “What is this all for? What am I really contributing to the world?” Also, as media creators, we owed it to young girls to be better and to create better if we had those skills. Frustration with the media, our careers, and wanting more for ourselves all came together and manifested into The Empowerment Project. Dana: One of the mantras that we stand by is that you can’t be what you can’t see. We had realized that with the lack of female leaders in the world, we couldn’t provide a clear op20

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tion for girls to see what they could become. That’s the point of the film, to showcase 17 different inspirational women so girls could begin to make a connection between the classes they take and where it could lead. And, to see women who weren’t afraid to raise their hands and stand up and use their voices. Do you have a favorite interview from the film? Dana: It changes every time I see it, depending on what’s going on in my life. So many of these women have incredible things to say. I love the architect. She says, “Live by being bold and naïve.” This is a running theme with making The Empowerment Project, the courage and the risk, and throwing ourselves off the cliff and seeing what happened.

Sarah: I love Admiral Michelle Howard. I am in awe of her. She says that when you're in a minority group you don’t have the luxury of being average. I think that women and minorities can take comfort in that quote. That’s something we all face in the workplace at different times. Knowing that someone like her went through that gives me peace that we are all connected. How do men fit into this equation? Sarah: We want to bring boys and men into the conversation because we need them. These aren’t women’s issues; these are human issues. We need men to advocate for the rights of women, just as much as other women. We certainly made this film with teenage girls in mind, but we invite young men to be a part of

this conversation and discuss equality. We’ve had fathers come up to us and say, “I can’t wait to share this with my daughter,” or “I had no idea that women went through these struggles in the workplace. I'm going to be a better employer. I'm going to try to be a better co-worker.” How did the reactions differ between teen girls and teen boys? Dana: We held our breath for the first screening. There was a girl sitting in the front row, and during the Q&A she raised her hand and stood up and said, “I’m getting ready to take the SATs, and I’ve been wondering what it’s all for, and now I know.” Sarah and I were just like, “Drop the mic right now. We're going to cry.” We had girls say, “I never thought I could be an astronaut because I’m a girl. Now I know I can.” Young boys come up to us after and say, “What can I do? I had no idea that women struggled in this way.” Sarah and I find it very important to have both boys and girls, men and

women, in the room to spark this conversation and to talk about what’s going on in our own lives, and how we can all work together to empower the next generation of women and men. Do you have any advice for teenagers looking to get into film? Sarah: Many people ask, “Do you recommend film school?” I think it works for some people, but it’s not essential. There’s only so much you can learn about being an artist or a filmmaker in a book or class. You really have to go out there and create stuff and make some really bad movies. I made my first documentary when I was 16 years old, and I don't want anybody to see it, but it certainly helped me become the filmmaker I am today. Schooling is great. I learned so much, but in terms of being a great filmmaker, you just have to fall down and get back up and make that terrible mistake, and forget to press record, and light something poorly. Then, you don’t make those mistakes anymore once you

see the consequences of those actions. We're just big fans of young women finding their voice through media, whether that’s making a movie, starting a blog or YouTube channel, or writing a script, or painting a picture. You really have to work at it. Things don’t happen overnight. It’s so important to struggle and to have rejection. All those things make you a more rounded artist. Dana: I would say, if I’m speaking to a teenager, “The world needs you, and the world needs creators, and the world needs artists.” The power of cinema in the digital age is everything. It’s a way that you can make people feel. We need creators to remind us of our connectedness, of our humanity. What we're going through right now in this country, we need the light to offset the darkness because it feels like we're living in a dark time. Just create. We need you. The world needs you to keep conveying this message and creating content that inspires. n

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Tech

AND

Trek

The New Liberal Arts: iPad-powered experiences

Hiram’s Tech and Trek program puts an iPad Pro, Apple pencil and keyboard in the hands of every full-time traditional student.

Sure, the devices are key. Still, it is Hiram’s New Liberal Arts: integrated study, high-impact experiences, and mindful technology that makes it truly transformational. Tech and Trek enables you to capture, connect and reflect upon life-changing ideas, feelings, images and questions, no matter where you are.

• FaceTime or Skype with students, friends or content experts anywhere, anytime. • Be part of a class where faculty can assess your understanding on the spot so questions get answered and you don’t leave confused by the material presented. • Download presentation apps to create state-of-the art digital story telling projects. • Augment a written narrative or essay with photography or videography.

ARE YOU READY TO START YOUR PATH OF DISCOVERY?

www.hiram.edu/techandtrek Contact the Office of Admission for more information: 800.362.5280

Technology in the Classroom:

A Positive Trend By Jennifer Proe

Photo: Beth Segal

Many K-12 schools have been providing students with devices to use both in and out of the classroom for years. Often called “one-to-one technology”, teens who have grown up with technology embedded into their lives are likely to expect this mode of learning to continue once they arrive at college. This fall, Ohio’s Hiram College is rising to the challenge, providing iPad Pros to all full-time students as part of its multi-million dollar “Tech and Trek” initiative. Andrew Marcinek, chief information officer for Worcester Academy in Massachusetts, saw firsthand the way teens respond to one-to-one technology when he rolled out iPads to students in the Burlington, Massachusetts schools in his previous role as an instructional technology specialist there. “Middle school students in particular took to it immediately, and started creating with the iPad right away,” says Marcinek. “There are so many ways to create your own learning experience; for students who are not linear learners, that is especially helpful." Marcinek also notes that the use of one-to-one technology provides an opportunity to teach teens about good digital citizenship, how to organize their digital life, and how to build an online dossier of their academic work—skills that will be essential to success at college and beyond. However, when Marcinek connects with former students about the use of technology in higher education, their experience varies widely. Many report being disappointed by the step back in time to manual note-taking and static PowerPoint slide lectures. On the other hand, a growing number of students are encountering an increasingly tech-savvy learning environment at college. One institution that’s rising to the technology challenge is Ohio’s Hiram College, which this fall will provide iPad Pros to all full-time students, faculty, and staff as part of its multimillion-dollar Tech and Trek initiative.

Jennifer McCreight, assistant professor of education at Hiram, is already seeing the benefits of one-to-one technology. Her department has provided iPad minis to its students for three years. “The iPad offers a lot of ways to provide real-time feedback to students,” she explains. “For example, after introducing a concept, I can have the students use the iPad to do a quick assessment. I can see that while this student really understood it, another did not, so I’ll make a point of connecting with that student outside of class. Or if everyone gets it wrong, then I know I need to stop and reteach it.” The iPads also help students process data visually, adds Brad Goodner, professor of biology at Hiram. For example, students can easily chart the growth of bacteria in the lab or capture field data on the spot. Using interactive textbooks, creating multimedia presentations, Skyping with professors, and collaborating online with other students are just a few of the many activities the Tech and Trek initiative makes possible. Another advantage of one-to-one technology: It helps level the playing field for students with different styles of learning and engaging in a classroom. Students who are not comfortable speaking in class may be more comfortable sharing their ideas using an app. (At Hiram, each iPad will come preloaded with apps selected by faculty.) “If you have students who are quiet in class, you can give everybody two or three minutes to write a response be

fore having a discussion,” explains McCreight. “I can see all of the responses, then select which ones to share. Anything we can do to validate multiple ways of interacting is important.” One-to-one technology also helps promote equity on campus, as not all students can afford such a device on their own. Some may argue that devices can interrupt focus in the classroom, but even technology’s potential for distraction provides an important learning opportunity, stress both Goodner and McCreight. Today’s students will be using technology in the workplace throughout their lives, so the goal is to work with technology rather than ban it. “We’ll be asking students to think hard about the right place to use technology,” says Goodner. “There is a time and place to use technology and a time and place to put it aside.” Not only college students, but also middle and high school students—and yes, even adults—should be practicing that skill. n

Brought to you by Hiram College, teaching students how to creatively and critically use technology to enhance their learning on and beyond the campus. Learn more at hiram.edu/techandtrek.

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For boys, grades K-12.

Responsibility, Loyalty, Consideration University School opens doors to exciting possibilities, to new ways of thinking, and to enduring relationships that will stand the test of time.

Join us for complimentary test preparation for the Independent School Entrance Exam (ISEE)! REGISTER AT WWW.US.EDU BOYS ENTERING GRADES 5-8

BOYS & GIRLS ENTERING GRADES 9-12

Friday, October 13th â&#x2013; 9:30 am - 2:30 pm

Saturday, October 21st â&#x2013; 9:00 am - 2:00 pm

Boys, entering grades 5-8, are invited to take a series of mini-classes with our outstanding teachers at our Shaker Heights campus and learn how to prepare for the Independent School Entrance Exam (ISEE). Lunch will be provided.

Boys & girls, entering grades 9-12, who will be applying to an independent school, are invited to join us for a day of test preparation for the Independent School Entrance Exam (ISEE). Students will sit for a practice exam, grade and review their test, and have lunch on campus.

How to Embrace and Ace

Standardized Tests By Diana Simeon

It’s not the most fun part of adolescence, but one thing’s for sure: our teenagers will be required to take some standardized tests in middle and high school. For private high school-bound teens, that includes the ISEE or SSAT admissions tests—and, for everyone heading to college, there are also the more familiar SAT and ACT. How to approach these tests? Here are four ideas to get you started. 1. Schools require standardized tests because they have value Standardized testing tends to get a bad rap with both parents and students, but the tests have value when used appropriately, explains Christina TownsendHartz, director of admissions for grades 9-12 and financial aid at University School in Shaker Heights, Ohio. University School recently evaluated 10 years of ISEE data and found a “modest correlation” between a student’s ISEE score and his English and math grades. Studies have shown a similar correlation between the SAT and ACT and a student’s grades in the freshman year of college, which is part of the reason most colleges continue to require them. “A test doesn’t tell you everything, but it certainly can provide insight,” explains Townsend-Hartz. She notes that at University School, an applicant’s test score is just a part of the picture they use to evaluate candidates, but a low score can be a red flag that a student may not be able to handle the school’s rigorous curriculum. Likewise, while no college relies solely on the ACT or SAT score for admissions decisions, it’s still an important factor, especially at competitive colleges. 2. Promoting a love of reading pays off. “The best advice I really give to parents

is, in general, to encourage their kids to read more,” says Townsend-Hartz. Even in high school, it’s not too late. Avid readers tend to perform better on standardized tests than non-readers: they will be more familiar with the vocabulary and better able to handle the reading and writing sections. Confident readers are often faster test-takers, too. Emily Levitt, vice president of communications at Sylvan Learning, says, “A student might be a solid reader and be able to comprehend well, but they also need the reading fluency to be able to get through the test before the time is up.” Readers are also at an advantage on science and math questions: quantitative reasoning questions on math tests require careful attention to language, and the ACT science section largely tests a student’s ability to read and answer questions about dense scientific passages.

experience taking a test for this amount of time, so it’s helpful to do it at least once before it matters. Plus, a practice test can also help pinpoint where a student may need extra help. 4. Scoring well pays off. The bottom line: The better your student does on standardized tests, the more doors that may open—from gaining admission to better schools, to being eligible for more scholarship money. “Many private schools will give students who score in the top 90 percent of the admissions test a merit award,” notes Townsend-Hartz. The same is true for many colleges, which use merit awards to lure top students to their campuses, typically using test scores and grades to identify those students. However, avoid the pressure of talking about what’s at stake with a standardized test. If you don’t do well on the SAT, then you can’t go to your dream school. Instead, focus on encouraging your students to do their best. When the test date is finally at hand, that means returning to the comforting basics: make sure your teenagers get lots of sleep the week of the test, and that they eat a healthy breakfast the morning of the test. n

3. Practice tests are a good idea Students can do a lot to prepare for an admissions test, ranging from hiring a tutor to studying on their own at home. At minimum, they should sit for one practice test—these are available online—in the weeks leading up to the real test. “One of the biggest advantages to taking a practice test is to become familiar with the format,” says Levitt. For example, if the test is administered online, students should know how to navigate from question to For boys, grades K-12. question so they don’t waste precious time clicking around. Students should Brought to you by University School, also know whether the questions will where boys of promise become be multiple choice, open-ended, or a young men of character who lead and combination of both. University School opens doors to exciting possibilities, to new serve. Learn more at us.edu. Also, these tests are typically three to thinking, and to enduring relationships that will stand the test four hours long. Most students have no

Responsibility, Loyalty, Consider

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DID YOU KNOW?

Don’t Expect the Worst from Teens, Or You Just Might Get It By Sharon Holbrook

Turning 13 can be a big thrill for kids. At last, they’re teenagers, and they’re feeling quite grown up and proud of themselves. But for parents, it may mean dread. After all, everyone has been warning us for years that parenting a teenager is going to be awful. Well, parents, we might want to stand up for our teens—and double-check our own attitudes about the teen years, too. It turns out that negative expectations about teenagers can turn into self-fulfilling prophecies. Dr. Christy Buchanan, professor of psychology at Wake Forest University, has studied this phenomenon for years and found that parents’ expectations of risky behavior can lead to higher engagement in risk-taking behaviors like experimentation with alcohol, drugs, and sex. Similarly, expecting teenage years to be a time of emotionally charged “storm and stress” makes it more likely that the teen years will be just that. Simply put, don’t buy into the stereotypes. Psychologist Dr. John Duffy, author of The Available Parent and host of the new podcast Undue Anxiety, agrees.

“When parents lower their bar of expectations for their children in most any area, kids will recognize that as a show of noconfidence in them.” Plus, it’s exhausting for teenagers to hear only the negative—what you’re currently doing wrong, or what you will eventually do wrong. Buchanan reminds parents not just to have high expectations, but also to focus on the positive things kids are already doing, such as managing schedules packed with school, homework, activities, and chores. “How often do we give them a really hearty pat on the back?” she asks. Of course, it’s true that high-risk behaviors can increase in the teen years. Both Duffy and Buchanan recommend that parents, in addition to avoiding negativity, also avoid being naïve. Parents should be realistic about the risks in adolescence, and

they should talk to their teens openly about them. Talking about risky behaviors does not increase the chances that teens will participate in these behaviors, Duffy says. Instead, when parents maintain open channels of communication (not just periodic or one-time “talks”) and clearly communicate their standards and expectations, teens are more likely to make choices in line with their parents’ values (see our sidebar on page 28 for ways to change the conversation). There’s another upside to dumping your expecting-the-worst mindset: It just might bring you closer to your teen in the end. When your teen screams at you in a rage, and you write off the moodiness, mouthiness, and rebellion as just normal things to be endured, you can lose sight of what’s going on with your teenager under the YOUR TEEN

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surface. Is something truly wrong? Or is it just a bad day? You won’t know if you minimize their emotions as teenage nonsense. “Clarify the expectations about what [behavior] you’ll accept,” says Buchanan. She suggests, for example, that parents might make clear that yelling is not an acceptable way to communicate. Parents can set limits like this while still taking the time to understand why their teenager is so upset. “Understand the human experience behind that behavior,” adds Buchanan. The key for parents is to focus on positive expectations and healthy limits for their teenagers—and to respect them as individuals, not cardboard-cutout, moody, rebellious adolescents. Ultimately, everyone wants respect and belief in their ability to do good things, no matter their age. n

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CHANGING THE CONVERSATION ➊ Talk about family values

Don’t ignore tough topics and assume your teen will automatically make the right choices. Talk often and early about your values, starting even before the teen years. (But it’s never too late to start.)

➋ Model the behavior you want

Live up to the values you expect your teen to adopt. If, for example, you preach no drinking, but you drink every night and to excess on weekends, your words won’t carry as much weight.

❸ Inquire about peer behavior

When you suspect risky behavior in your teen’s peer group, frame your conversation as an inquiry into what classmates might be up to, rather than interrogating your teen about her possible involvement in the worrisome activities.

❹ Set clear expectations

Let your teen know you expect him to follow your family’s rules and values, but acknowl-

JULY-AUGUST 2017

edge that it will sometimes be hard. “Blame it on me,” you can say. “Tell your friends your dad is such a drag and you have to be home.” Make it easy to do the right thing— and that may mean your teen feeling free to call you for a ride, even if he’s somewhere he’s not even supposed to be.

Don’t make generalizations about teens

❺

Don’t complain about teens in stereotypes, especially to your teen or within her earshot. Each one is an individual, and she should know you don’t expect her to follow the crowd, even if what you’re saying truly is accurate about most teens in your community.

❻ Give your teen responsibilities

Give your teen responsibilities, and emphasize that you believe he is capable. Maybe your teen is the electronics expert or the baking guru in your house. Whatever it is, make sure he knows you respect and appreciate his maturing talents—and him, of course.

BOOK REVIEW

H is for Hawk by Helen Macdonald

PARENT REVIEW By Tracy Fitzpatrick  When my daughter became interested (obsessed, really) with falconry, a friend and long-time falconer recommended Helen Macdonald's memoir, H is for Hawk. We had the book in hand the next day, and my daughter could do nothing else until it was finished. It has made its way from the bookshelf to her nightstand at least once a year since. This time the memoir took up real estate on my nightstand, and I'm so glad it did—what a gorgeous and deeply intelligent read.   The New York Times bestseller and Samuel Johnson Prize winner takes readers on a unique and intimate nature-filled adventure from its very first page. Macdonald's use of language is both raw and poetic; it can wrench your heart, and then have it soaring within a span of seconds. The detail with which she describes everything from clouds and bird feathers to her own fear and heartache is pure delight to the senses.   Central to the story, the author is trying to cope with the loss of her beloved father. It was he who taught her about patience and birds—two things that would become fundamental in her life. As things begin to unravel around her and she starts heading into depression, Macdonald, a long-time falconer, becomes increasingly fascinated with the goshawk—a bird she had previously found herself almost repulsed by.   "I'd never seen anything of myself reflected in their solitudinous, murderous eyes. Not for me, I'd thought many times. Nothing like me. But the world had changed, and so had I."  After she takes the leap and acquires her goshawk, Mabel, she becomes increasingly reclusive, which leads her deeper into depression. Over time, though, her bird displays a longing for more social interaction, which is unusual for that particular kind. It turns out to be a bit of a blessing and a catalyst for the author to reconnect with her friends and family, and ultimately to dealing with her depression.  It feels like an honor to have been taken on such a personal journey and to bear witness to the close and beautiful connection between woman and nature. If, like me, you are an animal and nature lover, you will surely appreciate the bond between a fierce predatory bird and the woman she saved. If you are not, you may find yourself softening a bit to the idea of both.

TEEN REVIEW By Jenna Fitzpatrick I have always been really fond of birds and have been a bookworm—however, I am very picky about what I read, and I won’t recommend a book unless it is exceptional. If the first few pages of a book don’t capture my attention, I will let it stay on my desk and collect dust. I am here to tell you this book is really moving, and it never had a chance to collect a speck of dust.   After some falconers visited my school, I became obsessed with falconry and scoured the internet for days reading about them. H is for Hawk was recommended by a former falconer, and when we purchased the novel, I fell in love right away. I had already read 80 pages by the time we sat down to dinner that night, and I finished the book in three days. (I have never read a book that fast.)  There are a few themes working together throughout the book: family, depression, and one goshawk named Mabel who helps turn Helen Macdonald's world from darkness to light. With the loss of her dad breaking Helen’s heart, the best thing to help the healing process was clearly an animal. Even though a hawk may not come to mind at first, something you have to train and work with is a great way to keep active and stay occupied while grieving. I have experienced this firsthand by working with my horses. Even on my worst days, there is something so satisfying about working with animals that can make everything seem okay. It made it easy for me to relate to the author on that level.  Even if you aren’t into hawks like I am, I still recommend this book because it will give you a deeper appreciation for the blood, sweat, and tears that people put into these magnificent birds, as well as provide you with a thoughtful and riveting story that has no filter. I would recommend this book to anyone who is looking for a longtime favorite.

Tracy Fitzpatrick lives in Southern California with her incredibly supportive hubby, three fiercely independent and witty teenage daughters, two dogs, three horses, two cats, and a rabbit.

Jenna Fitzpatrick is a 14-year-old animal and nature lover who lives a full life in Southern California.

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FAMILY MATTERS

Boredom

Complaining of boredom drives this mom crazy Being a tween/teen today is no joke. There are so many opportunities to participate in school activities, athletics, classes, and everything in between. There is a club or organization for nearly every interest, and practices, meetings, and service hours are on the calendar for what feels like every spare moment. Add to that the hours of homework and projects teens must complete. With three tweens, I often feel like I am passing myself on the road taking someone somewhere. 5:00 a.m. on a Saturday: time to get up for a soccer tournament. 7:30 p.m. on a Thursday: orchestra concert. Friday at 4:00 p.m: art class. It’s for this reason I want to pull my hair out when I hear these three simple words: “Mom, I’m bored.” Perhaps kids are so overscheduled that they have no idea what to do with themselves when they have a moment of “free” time. Or perhaps in today’s iEverything age, teens don’t know what to do if a screen isn’t in front of them. Or perhaps they still want a parent to point them in the right direction, if even subconsciously. I often provide a wide list of responses, including: “Read a book,” “Take a walk,” or everyone’s favorite, “How about cleaning your room?” To which the responses are often, “Nah,” “I don’t feel like it,” or “Never mind.” Boredom is a great thing for tweens/teens. It means they have time to breathe and decompress from the external pressures they face. But figuring out what to do with those 15 minutes between studying and soccer? Well, that’s on them. Whitney Fleming is a freelance writer and social media consultant. She resides in the Chicago suburbs with her husband, three tween daughters, and her puppy, Jax. She blogs about parenting, relationships, and w(h)ine at playdatesonfridays.com.

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I love activities and hanging out with my friends. I take lessons and compete in Saddleback horse riding; I participate in orchestra, the stage crew of the school play, and clubs at school. I also like my “me” time. I have two sisters around my age, and we’re always doing stuff together, but sometimes I need a break. I’ll read a book or play on my phone, and I enjoy being by myself. Other times I feel stuck. If I want to go somewhere or do something, one of my parents needs to drive me. Or if I just want to chill out and watch a movie or play on my phone, they complain that I’m on electronics too much. So yeah, sometimes I really am just bored and feel like I have nothing to do. I think I say I’m bored because I’m looking for some company or just want to chat for a few minutes. It’s my way of trying to see if the other person wants to hang out. Sometimes, it’s probably because I don’t feel like doing whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing, like unloading the dishwasher or studying for a test. (Boring.) Adults seem to get annoyed whenever a kid says, “I’m bored,” like it’s the worst thing they could ever say and they’re just complaining all the time. I think we are just being honest. I think it’s OK to say you are bored if that’s the way you are feeling. And you never know what someone else may come up with as an idea for doing something fun—like the time I said I was bored and my mom told me to help make dinner for the family. Now I know how to make spaghetti and meatballs all on my own! Olivia Fleming is 12 years old and entering the seventh grade this year. She enjoys playing the cello, riding horses, reading, and cooking.

ADVICE FROM THE EXPERTS We talked to the experts about how to respond your teen’s boredom. Here’s how to understand it, and what to do and say about it: BOREDOM AND CREATIVITY. Dr. Karen Gaskin, an associate professor of psychology at Penn State University who has researched the connection between boredom and creativity, says not to write off all boredom as bad. “Sometimes a little boredom can be productive, for it can help spark kids' imagination— encouraging them to see their everyday environment in a new and interesting way.” DON’T IGNORE BOREDOM. At the same time, Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D., a psychologist in Austin, Texas, and author of Surviving Your Child’s Adolescence, cautions parents not to trivialize boredom, as it can be a symptom of a search for connection. “Passing boredom is okay, but protracted boredom is not,” Pickhardt says. “For the teen

who cannot find a positive way to connect with herself, who cannot mobilize resources to get unstuck and positively engaged, parents can be door-openers and activity directors: ‘Since you can’t find a good way to occupy yourself this afternoon, just for 15 minutes, I’d like you to try this.’” WHAT DOES BOREDOM MEAN? Amy Speidel, a certified parent coach based in Cleveland, agrees that parents can help young people get unstuck. We can explain to teens that boredom is “the brain’s way of saying, ‘I want novelty; give me something exciting.’” Their brains, Speidel says, “are looking for a boost.” TRY TO BE PATIENT WITH TEEN BOREDOM. It’s a natural parental response, but Speidel suggests we try to avoid feeling irritated when teens say they’re bored. It’s part of life, just like feeling hunger in our stomachs. We can coach our kids to ask themselves, “What would my brain like for nourishment?” just as we would encourage them to find something to eat when they’re hungry.

Boredom Solutions to Try What to say in that moment of boredom? Speidel’s advice indicates Whitney was on track when she suggested Olivia help make dinner. “Your brain’s looking for something to do,” Speidel counsels parents to say, and to suggest a few options for the teen. Puzzles, exploring outside, walking a pet, calling a friend, knitting— the possibilities are endless. It’s helpful if parents have a mental “fridge” full of options for “brain hunger,” just like we have a fridge full of options for stomach hunger. (A physical jar full of ideas for activities “to jar the brain” is also a possibility.) Then, the next step is on them.

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How to Get Your Tight-Lipped Teen to

TALK

By Randye Hoder

Photo: Beth Segal

YOUR TEEN

| JULY-AUGUST 2017

Parents are often told that keeping an open line of communication is the most important thing they can do to help their teenagers grow up safe and sound. But in a classic parenting conundrum, as soon as their adorable, chatty children hit adolescence, the kids clam up. It seems the last people on earth teens want to talk to are Mom and Dad. The little talking there is often turns into tussling—over friends, parties, and house rules. Many times, conversations feel more like negotiations, with parents cajoling their teenagers to wake up, go to sleep, finish their homework, or tackle their chores. But all is not lost. Parenting experts say that this persistent image of the tight-lipped teenager is a myth—one that undermines parents’ relationships with their children. “Teenagers have to push us away in order to stand on their own—that is their job,” says Kenneth Ginsburg, co-director of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia and author of Raising Kids to Thrive. “But there is no question that teenagers want to have good communication with their parents.” Indeed, while they may not always act like it, most teenagers care what their parents think, and they

want to be close with them. “Research shows that teenagers really do want to talk with their parents—especially about the difficult subjects like drugs and sex,” says Alan Kazdin, a professor of psychology and child psychiatry and director of the Yale Parenting Center. “But they think their parents are unapproachable on these topics.”

To make yourself more approachable, here are a handful of practical tips:

Start early.

Parents who learn how to navigate disagreements when their children are younger will find it easier down the road to talk to older teens about even thornier issues. Resolving

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COMMUNICATION

conflict in middle school over social media use, cell phones, and bedtime issues will set the tone for future conversations involving sex and intimacy, drugs, and alcohol. One way to do this is to model good communication and openness in your family. “Share details about your day at dinner, tell stories about your childhood, share things about yourself that are not always good,” Kazdin says. “Be open to questions.” Be a good listener as well. If you tune into your kids when they are young and want to talk—even if you are tired or cranky or uninterested—they’ll be more apt to open up when they’re older. “Let them tell you about their favorite TV show or the latest schoolyard squabble,” says Wendy Mogel, a clinical psychologist and author of the forthcoming

Voice Lessons For Parents: What To Say, How to Say It and When to Listen. “It may be boring, but they are telling you something about their wonderful, sparkling selves.”

Compromise.

Parents often view compromise as a slippery slope, fearing that if they give in a little here, they’ll have to give in a lot there. But most experts say the opposite is true. If you concede a bit of ground when you can, your teens will be more amenable to do the same when it’s really important to you. “Give up on the little things like torn jeans,” Kazdin says. “Hold a harder line on the things that will matter down the road”—bigger issues of safety and morality.

Adds Ginsburg: “There’s a fine line parents have to walk. You are allowed to insist on respect, but if you argue about every issue, you are going to push a kid away. Especially if you nitpick about the small stuff.”

Attend to the positive.

Negative bias in humans is strong; we’re hard-wired toward it. That’s why it’s easier for parents to focus on negative behavior and let positive behavior go unnoticed. “Teenagers are not doing horrible things all day long,” Kazdin says. “Try to catch them in the act of being good. This is important because positive interaction leads to positive interaction. The more you do this, the more opportunities you will have to communicate effectively.”

What Parents of Tweens Say About Getting Their Kids Talking FROM THE TRENCHES:

Every kid is different, and so is every parent. We asked parents of middle-schoolers what the conversation is like in their house.

question, I’m sure to leave it open that she can come back to me, and she often does…I’m glad she feels comfortable doing that,” says mom.

Careful listening.

No judgments.

Some kids just aren’t big talkers, and when they do talk, they are quickly done discussing any given topic. When parents try to bring up a scary news story, for example, the tween has already moved on to thinking about other things. One Maryland family says that if their reserved 11-year-old son initiates a topic, like mentioning an invitation to a party or pointing out something he likes, then they know that’s a big deal to him and they should take note. “For us,” mom says, “it is less about trying to talk to him and more about really listening to what he says.”

Ongoing conversation.

For another family in upstate New York, the key is keeping a low-key, long-term dialogue open, especially about potentially sensitive topics. An initial conversation about, say, puberty, may result in awkwardness, but giving the space to always come back and continue the conversation later works for this family. “She usually doesn’t come to me out of the blue, but if I ask her a

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JULY-AUGUST 2017

One Minnesota mom recalls that her own mom was “not easy to talk to. She was judgmental, accusatory, and close-minded. In my mind, it was easier not to tell her things.” Because of this, she tries to keep her conversations with her own kids “very open, matter-offact, and non-judgmental.”

A team approach.

Similarly, a Kentucky family tries to listen and to keep things non-judgmental. Their eldest son “shares everything in a very fast fashion in the first 15 minutes in the car ride home. I just listen.” The 12-year-old will occasionally preface something by saying, “You won’t like this,” to which mom usually responds, “‘I don’t have to like it. I can still listen.’” She adds, “He used to lie a lot or not tell me bad things even though he knew I was going to get an email or phone call [from school] later.” Now, she makes sure to make clear that it’s better to just talk about and handle the tough situations together, and she feels her son has become more open as a result.

Parents can also create positive experiences. “So much of the time we spend with our teens is negative or interrogative: ‘Did you do your homework? Did you clean up your room? How did you do on the test?’” Mogel says. “Kids need to spend time with their parents that is fun, enjoyable, chill. Play cards, cook, hike, watch TV or a movie.”

Talk less, listen more.

Parents naturally want to tap into their hard-earned wisdom to make their child’s life easier. But that is not what teens want—or what they need. “The minute a teenager talks about a problem, the parent is interrupting them to offer advice or to criticize them for their poor choices or to try and fix it,” Mogel says. “But what they really want is for their parents to listen to them deeply.” By acting as a sounding board—and not responding too quickly—you will ultimately be in a better position to of-

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YOUR TEEN

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COMMUNICATION

fer the right counsel. “Understand that while your teen lacks experience, he still understands his own life,” Ginsburg explains. “Treat him as the expert who can guide you on how to best advise him.”

Problem-solve together.

When kids are small, parents make all the decisions. But when your kids become teenagers, they should be involved. If there is a disagreement over curfew, for example, ask your teen to come up with a handful of ways to resolve the dispute. Then you do the same. Throughout the process, it’s important to respect your teen and take her seriously. “Discuss the possible consequences and outcomes of those proposed solutions,” Kazdin says. “What’s the best outcome for both of us out of these choices?” Don’t be afraid to quarrel, either. When your teen argues with you, “he’s learning to assert himself, to advocate for his point of view, and to learn to effectively handle disagreements,” Kazdin says. “These are valuable skills they can use to help manage relationships with teachers and peers, and to resist peer pressure. You don’t want kids who always acquiesce.”

Don’t judge.

With so much focus on achievement these days, teenagers feel judged all the time, whether it’s by their friends, teachers, or college admissions officers. They don’t want their parents piling on. Teenagers “feel there are only two positions—success or failure—and that there is nothing in between,” says Mogel. “This level of expectation gets in the way of effective communication.” Ginsburg agrees. “If you focus only on the behaviors that disappoint you or on their grades, they will think you see them in terms of what they produce,” he says. “Teens need to know that we stand by them no matter what and see them for who they really are.” n

YOUR TEEN

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TEEN SPEAK

When Conversation Is More Important than Rules When I was in the ninth grade, I received my first invitation to a house party. I was really excited. My best friend, Annie, said I could borrow her sky-blue wrap dress. But when I showed the invite to my Mom, she shook her head. “No, you’re too young for a house party,” she said. I protested and begged, but she kept saying things like: “But you’re so innocent. You don’t understand boys’ wants. When you’re older, I’ll allow you to go.” I thought she was trying to say I was stupid or that she didn’t trust my judgment. I was livid with her and I snuck out to the party nonetheless, leaving behind a note. But it made me feel really guilty. Annie suggested I try some gin, so I had some, and it made me dizzy. She danced but I sat on a couch. My head was spinning. There was an older boy who came and sat next to me and kept talking to me all night, which felt nice because it made me less lonely and less guilty about disobeying Mom. But suddenly he kissed me. I didn’t really like him, and I was overwhelmed. I said I had to use the bathroom and rushed out, where I sat in the grass with the dog, waiting to go home. Later, when Annie’s dad was driving me home, I saw an ambulance come down our street. My first thought was, “Oh my god, I hope my parents are ok.” I couldn’t bring myself to apologize to Mom, who was really upset with me and wouldn’t talk to me. I wanted to confide in her about how the boy had kissed me, but I was afraid she’d just say, “I told you!” As I grew up and visited my friends’ families, I saw how casually my friends talked with their parents about everything, including boys, alcohol, weed, or crushes, like they were “normal” things, in a way my family never did. I wished my family was more open about talking about different things, so that I could feel safe talking about them rather than hiding my feelings or feeling “bad” or “guilty” about them, which might have helped me overcome negative experiences faster. I now believe children need an open channel of communication, not just restrictions or rules designed to protect them. A better protection is providing kids the space to make mistakes and to talk about their experiences, so they can learn and their parents can gently guide them. — Alicia Summers

YOUR TEEN

| JULY-AUGUST 2017

CROSSROADS

When a Teen Has a Very Bad

ANGER PROBLEM What to do. How to help. Disrespectful texts from your teen: “I HATE U SO MUCH!” Yelling, screaming, shoving matches. Punching walls. The "F" word. Verbally and physically aggressive behavior isn’t unusual for teens, especially if it’s directed at their parents and siblings. After all, to develop their sense of individuality and independence, teens are biologically and socially programmed to buck the system. “Some teen aggression is expected,” says John Mayer, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Chicago who treats violent and acting-out teens and their families. But that doesn’t mean we should accept aggressive behavior as “normal,” Mayer says. Avoiding conflict by giving in to your teen’s demands or by shrugging aggressiveness off and saying, “What can I do? They’re doing it at school,” will reinforce the negative behavior. When things don’t go your teen’s way, such as when he refuses to follow your house rules and hand over his cellphone on school nights at 11 p.m., you may find yourself

uncomfortably facing down a frighteningly angry teen who is bigger and stronger than you. Moreover, you may worry about the effects outside the family. Could the aggressive behavior come out as road rage, or negatively affect future schooling, work, or relationships?

down. Or you can withhold the car keys, or you can shut off the Wi-Fi. “The key is to stay calm, consistent, and predictable,” Silversmith says, which can be challenging in the heat of the moment. If your teen still acts out, don’t back down. “There must be a line in the sand at which point parents say, ‘If you continue with this behavior, I will have to call 911,’” Silversmith says. Then follow through, if the situation really warrants it.

Help your teen manage anger now, while you still can. The experts say it’s not too late, and they offer some tempertaming tactics that can serve teens well into adulthood.

Establish clear boundaries and expectations.

Dig deep. Instead of immediately launching into “Why are you acting this way? What’s wrong with you?” when your teen loses it, create emotional distance by anchoring yourself in the present. Take a mindful breath and ask yourself: What emotions and sensations am I feeling? What’s behind my teen’s behavior? “If you lead with a sense of curiosity and compassion, any request you make will go over much better with an angry kid,” says Mitch Abblett, a psychologist in Wellesley, Massachusetts, and author of Helping Your Angry Teen.

When your teen acts out by, say, shoving her sister, don’t ignore it. “Communicate clear, predictable expectations that will help address this challenging behavior,” says Meredith Silversmith, a licensed marital and family therapist and co-founder and clinical director of Nassau Wellness in Garden City, New York. Communicating and implementing consequences for unacceptable behavior can sometimes help. For instance, you can hold your teen accountable by telling her that shoving isn’t allowed and sending her to her room until she calms

Taking a step back might also help you understand what you may be doing to add fuel

YOUR TEEN

By Sandra Gordon

to the fire of your teen’s anger. Raging adolescent hormones and sleep deprivation can ignite teen outbursts. But your teen might also feel like he’s not getting enough respect for his capabilities or resent having his privacy invaded, such as when a parent reads his texts or enters his room without knocking.

Find a trusted therapist. If your teen’s meltdowns continue to escalate, find the help of a psychologist or licensed clinical social worker who specializes in working with teens. “It’s the key to ensuring that your teen doesn’t have an underlying mental health issue that needs treatment,” says Silversmith. Seek help sooner than later. “Most parents think they can handle their teen’s anger themselves,” Abblett says. But it can take the experience and skill of a trusted therapist to help everyone get a handle on the situation so that your teen’s temper doesn’t progress to even riskier behavior—such as substance abuse or harming others—or permanently erode your relationship. This tough period doesn’t need to last forever, and you don’t need to handle it alone. n

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MODERN FAMILY

Disordered Eating A Struggle for the Whole Family Parent By Meghan McGuan

There were mistakes. When Anabel was 10, we argued over replacing a pair of jeans. In a fit of exasperation, I declared, “They are too small! They give you a muffin top!” There were warning signs. The first was a list of rules about eating— or more accurately, not eating—that fell from a Mickey Mouse diary tucked between her mattress and box spring with a title bearing the word “Ana.” (Spoiler alert: Ana is not a nickname for Anabel.) Around the same time, I allowed Anabel to switch from the male pediatrician who had cared for her since birth to a female pediatrician in the

same practice in whom I had less confidence. Anabel voiced discomfort with a male doctor, and I felt compelled to accommodate her. In retrospect, I believe Anabel sensed that our pediatrician trusted my instincts, while this other pediatrician found me a bit overprotective, even silly, in my worries. At the time, I didn’t know the push to change doctors was a manipulation. Eating disorders are powerful masters. The disorder controlled Anabel’s thinking, and she in turn manipulated us to protect her secret. We got lucky. An anonymous student brought a secret Instagram account documenting Anabel’s pro-ana (pro-anorexic) behavior to the attention of her guidance counselor. Faced with photos of my daughter proudly

displaying her protruding hip bones, thigh gap, and concave abdomen, the pediatrician referred Anabel for counseling, despite her own skepticism. “Her weight has dropped, but I’m not sure if this is an eating disorder or just attention-seeking behavior,” the doctor offered. Each week, Anabel saw a psychologist with a focus on eating disorders, and she seemed to improve. She joined the crew team, which worked out six days a week for hours at a time. She was strong—solid muscle. “She must be healthy,” we thought, or so it seemed. Then, Anabel went to Spain on a school trip. When she returned, something had changed, and our anxiety about her health returned. Soon, her YOUR TEEN

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psychologist and a psychiatrist suggested The Emily Program, a national program treating eating disorders. For the first time, we were told that our daughter has anorexia. Anabel was 17. The Emily Program follows the Maudsley approach, which is “an intensive outpatient treatment where parents play an active and positive role in order to … help restore their child’s weight, … hand the control over eating back to the adolescent, … and encourage normal adolescent development.” To make this work, my husband took family leave from work to supervise her lunch and after-school snack. In addition to family sessions, Anabel attended individual and group therapy as she progressed from supervised to independent eating. Anabel was born with clenched fists, an intense gaze, and a mighty wail. In grade school, her first teachers dubbed her “Skipper” because she literally skipped into school with glee. But for much of her adolescence, she faded into the background, as her anorexia threatened to make her literally disappear. At 18, Anabel is coming into herself. She is kind, determined, opinionated, silly, and brave. She won’t disappear. She’s just getting started. Meghan McGuan is married to Marty and is the mother of Anabel, Patrick, and Moira. She works for Catholic Charities, Diocese of Cleveland.

Teen By Anabel McGuan

I’ve always been a perfectionist. I have a distinct memory of a kindergarten playdate. We were playing with glitter glue, and I was globbing it on like there was no tomorrow. My mom innocently suggested that I try using the glitter glue like my friend. “See how she’s just using a little, and smoothing 42

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it into nice lines?” I felt inadequate. The summer before fifth grade, I attended camp. I remember sitting on a fence with two friends. One was worried that the plank would break under us. “Don’t worry,” the other responded, “It won’t break. None of us are over 100 pounds—then we’d be fat!” I weighed 106. I started counting calories. I recorded everything in a journal I kept under my mattress. The pages overflowed with tips for avoiding food, meticulous logs of calories consumed and burned, and daily weigh-ins. My dad found the journal one day when he was changing my sheets. My mom confronted me, but I blew it off, telling her it was old, I was over it, not to worry. For most of sixth, seventh, and eighth grades, I only ate dinner. My friend and I were competing to see who could eat and weigh less. We’d share daily numbers and body checks and watch each other try to wrap our hands around our thighs. That was the ultimate goal. Freshman year, I created an Instagram account for my eating disorder. My feed was filled with pictures of my protruding bones, accompanied with self-loathing captions expressing my disgust with my body. Switching between my eating disorder account and my main account was confusing, and I accidentally followed a friend on the eating disorder account. She told my guidance counselor, who alerted my parents. They promptly took me to the doctor. My mom held my hand and cried. That was the first time I saw a therapist. She specialized in adolescent eating disorders. On the outside, things seemed to look up for a while. I was eating enough to satisfy my parents, maintaining my weight, and I even joined the crew team. The intense exercise caused me to gain about 10 pounds of muscle. When I saw the number on the scale shoot up, I panicked. I started to restrict again, and I weaseled my way out of therapy.

Then, I flew to Spain for ten days with marching band. Instead of indulging in the exciting regional dishes, I avoided calories like the plague. I fainted during a concert in a public square, but I played it off as heat exhaustion. When I came home, my parents noticed the change. They sent me back to my therapist, and she and my psychiatrist referred me to The Emily Program. There, I finally dedicated myself to recovery. After eight months of family, individual, and group therapy, I graduated from the program. Every day I continue to work on recovery. Every day is a choice— recovery or relapse. Sometimes, though the choice should seem obvious, it’s incredibly difficult, but I have an incredible support network to keep me on track. No matter how strong my disorder may be, I am stronger. Anabel is a 2017 graduate of Shaker Heights High School and will attend Duquesne University in the fall.

Expert By Lucene Wisniewski

Anabel’s experience is not uncommon: The disorder takes hold well before anyone notices. By the time parents see the signs, the disorder has been infiltrating their daughter insidiously for some time. When she is confronted, the disease compels the teen to lie and hide her symptoms. Meghan’s experience is not uncommon either: She seems to partly blame herself. For many years, parents—particularly moms—were faulted for all the mental health problems their kids suffered, including eating disorders (EDs). Parents should take heart that there is no one thing that causes a child to develop an ED. People sometimes remember a comment from a coach, an

MODERN FAMILY

experience at school, a love interest’s rejection, a peer’s judgmental look, or a traumatic event as the tipping point for the development of their struggle, but the science suggests it is much more complicated than that. Anabel identified herself as a “perfectionist.” This, we know from multiple studies, does tend to place kids at higher risk. Perfectionist kids, who tend to be aware and sensitive, may hear what peers and our culture are saying about weight and think, “I am not perfect. I need to fix this.” Families often wonder when symptoms require intervention, and it cannot be stressed enough: Any sign of disordered eating is enough to warrant a discussion with a professional since it is common that parents see only a small portion of what is secretly going on. Treatment for an ED is often disorienting and daunting for parents be-

cause their child, who has historically been a good student, a rule-follower, and conscientious, is now sneaking and lying to protect his illness. Parents can sometimes miss the signs and, if they see the signs, can be fooled because they think their child would never lie to them. Even small signs, though, warrant parent action. (Even a parent who does not feel ready to include her child in a discussion with a professional can go by herself to discuss her concerns.) Anabel’s parents brought her to an ED expert, an important step in this story’s happy ending. We know from research that there are specific treatments that are effective in the treatment of kids with EDs. Individual therapy can be helpful, but for Anabel and many other teens, this was not successful in fully improving her symptoms. Eventually, she received the family-based treatment

Meghan mentions, which is the treatment method of choice for kids with anorexia nervosa who are under the age of 18 and living at home. Parents do not cause EDs, but the steps they take can affect success in recovery. Once parents find out about the problem, time is of the essence because early assessment and treatment are key. Anabel’s family should be commended for their tenacity in getting her the care she needed. The good news is that with effective treatment Anabel and other teens with ED have a renewed chance to live a long, healthy life. Lucene Wisniewski, Ph.D., FAED, is an adjunct assistant professor of psychological sciences at Case Western Reserve University and maintains a private clinical practice. She has over 20 years of experience treating eating disorders.

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YOUR TEEN

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ASK THE EXPERT

A Personal Trainer’s Tips for Summer Exercise Some teens aren’t into competitive sports. Or they may be overweight, or uncomfortable exercising. How can parents encourage their inactive teens to be more physically active and healthy? And is a personal trainer a good option for your teen? We posed these questions to Meredith Therrien, an ACE-certified personal trainer with Energetic Juniors, a personal training organization for children and teens in New York City. 44

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Why would a teenager or pre-teen need a personal trainer? Many clients find a personal trainer because they are overweight and have been bullied in school. We have clients who aren’t interested in the sports available to them at their school. Some are just inactive and uninterested in physical activities. We receive referrals from pediatricians as well. They may be uncomfortable in gym class, either because they aren’t as coordinated as their peers or because they are embarrassed about how they look and about exercising in front of their peers.

ASK THE EXPERT

Do you have young clients who just don’t want to be there? At first, definitely. For these kids, exercise has been an embarrassing experience. Just moving their bodies is uncomfortable. A 10- or 11-year-old isn’t necessarily like an adult where they understand the benefits of physical fitness. Their parents may be making them do this. If they are awkward or resistant, we can usually turn them around pretty quickly. The first thing is getting kids out of a setting where they are in front of their peers. I emphasize that “I am not judging you. We are here to try our best.” I focus on having them notice how they are improving. Most clients will quickly gain strength after beginning to work out. They get very excited when they discover, “Look what I can do now!” We will talk together about their goals and try to find activities they enjoy. What kinds of activities does a personal trainer do with a younger client? I ask what they want to do. Or we try a variety of activities, like kickb ox i n g , y o g a , m a d e up games—then I see what activity excites them. They will find themselves laughing and sweating, even if they didn’t want to be there. For younger clients, I might use games involving bean bags

or balls. Some activities frequently sound like they may be too young for their age, but they love them. Many kids don’t have recess anymore, so some of them have never participated in those kinds of games before. I once brought a hopscotch board to a session with a teen client and said, “You probably remember this from grade school,” but she had never had recess. For pre-teens and older, I may try circuits, or training with resistance bands, body weight, or medicine balls, which are less intimidating than traditional gym weights. My own background is dance. I had one client where we worked together on a dance routine, which she then went home and taught to her mother. And she loved being able to teach her mother something. How do you motivate a resistant kid to exercise? I encourage them to have an open mind. I say, “I want you to feel strong.” You feel good when you feel strong. I encourage them to compete with themselves, and to focus on the progress they’ve made. I encourage them to notice how much better they can do something than the last time. If I hear “I can’t do this,” I will say “Let’s do it together.” It’s great when we find something they enjoy that we can make into exer-

cise. We frequently will incorporate dogs into our training sessions with pre-teens and teens, whether they are therapy animals or family pets. I had a client who was very overweight, and very nervous and awkward about movement. But I could see how much she enjoyed being with her dog. We used the dog to get her running, throwing a ball and chasing the dog. She could see that the dog really loved it. We got her running and sweating— and she had a great time. Do you involve parents in training sessions? We try to involve parents in activities, too. Kids love that. It makes them feel better when they see their parents struggle to learn a new exercise, or fall down, or be bad at something. Our goal is to encourage parents and teens to explore different options of activities they can do together. I had a client who was very overweight. Not long after we started working with her, her father (who was a runner) told us that she had joined him for one of his runs and actually ran a whole mile with him for the first time ever. What should parents look for in a personal trainer? Parents usually know what their kid would respond to best. A trainer should be knowledgeable, positive, and make your

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child feel comfortable. They should be certified by an accredited organization such as ACE (American Council on Exercise), NASM (National Academy of Sports Medicine), ACSM (American College of Sports Medicine), or any other accredited certification. They should listen to what your son or daughter would like to try. What are some alternatives if you can’t afford a personal trainer? There are so many great options to make exercise a family activity. Go outside together. Go for a walk. Play with your kid, or with the dog. Go hiking. Try yoga, martial arts, swimming, dance. Be active in any environment where there are no peers watching. What other benefits do teens and preteens gain from exercise? We help them make physical activity a part of their everyday lives, at their own pace. Some of them want to transition into traditional sports; some of them love finding act i v i t i e s t h a t i n t e re s t them. Feeling good about their bodies and reaching goals gives kids that extra boost of confidence and self-esteem, when they realize they can accomplish anything they set their minds to. n

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COLLEGE CORNER

Is Your 9th Grader Off to a Rocky Start? By Sara Lindberg

Imagine this: It’s summer, you’re looking at a whole year of report cards from your high school freshman, and you’re not pleased. What now? As families trade the tricky middle school years for high school, new challenges present themselves. Teens begin to consider life beyond high school and the prospect of college admissions. Parents worry that their kids may step off the academic path. Or, perhaps worse, never get on it in the first place. Ideally, of course, teens hit the ground running in high school. Cecilia Castellano, vice provost for strategic enrollment planning at Bowling Green State University in Northwest Ohio, often tells parents and school staff that it’s important that students make every effort to start out strong in high school.

Photo: Beth Segal

“The grades and credits earned during a student’s freshman year will impact the overall academic record and can make it more difficult for a student to overcome a difficult start,” she says. However, Castellano is quick to point out that it is quite possible a student may have a rocky first year and make significant improvements during the rest of high school; that could have a positive effect on college admissions. “Typically, colleges and universities are looking at the totality of the academic record, and skilled admissions professionals will recognize improvements,” says Castellano. This is great news for students who take a “not-so-serious” attitude during their freshman year.

What’s a parent to do?

Lisa Damour, psychologist and author of the bestselling book, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood, advises parents and teens to first take a deep breath when they’re looking at a

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COLLEGE CORNER

less-than-stellar year. “We tend to talk about college like there are only 20 good colleges, which is not helpful or accurate. There are more than 4,000 colleges in this country, and there are excellent colleges at every level,” says Damour. “Reassure your teenagers that they will have many options.” Similarly, Castellano says that “setting realistic expectations within the family, both for high school and planning for post-high school,” are important conversations for parents to have with teens. Castellano says that with her own three

daughters, she focused on getting them to try their best both academically and personally. She also reminds parents that not all students are ready for college directly from high school, and there are ample alternative paths. Still, teens will have more options if they step up their academics to meet their own potential, and their choices about how to spend their time now will affect their access to choices about colleges and careers later. Parents, in conveying this message, should take a “diagnostic rather than punitive” approach with their

teens, advises Damour. In other words, make it clear that you’re on the same team as your child. You can lovingly say to your teen, “You have all the power here. We’re rooting for you to have all the options you can. But you’re the one ultimately calling the shots,” suggests Damour. If need be, parents can help teens figure out what got in the way of a successful year at school, and help develop a plan going forward, says Damour. Castellano agrees, reminding parents that “in some cases, just a readjustment of expectations,

study habits, and time management may help smooth out or improve the academic performance.” Teens, though, are the only ones who can turn plans into action. If your child has gotten off to a difficult start, all is not lost. In fact, if handled correctly, first year mistakes can be a valuable way to learn how to be successful for the remainder of the high school years. Most importantly, your child will learn that despite the inevitable stumbling blocks along the way, there are many paths to a bright future. n

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YOUR TEEN

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MONEY MATTERS

Bribing 101:

When to Use It; When to Ditch It By Cathie Ericson

When your kids were little, you probably had a sticker chart for when they went potty or put their toys away. You might have even had a surprise waiting in the car if they got those shoes on quick. Letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s face it: Bribes worked. There are lots of things little kids donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to do, and a reward can feel like a small price to pay for cooperation. Photo: Beth Segal

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Guess what? There are also lots of things that big kids don’t like to do, and offering a reward can seem like a darn expedient way to get it done. That’s why many parents bribe (well, um, or we can call it “incentivize”) their teens. Susie Barton of Danville, California, often enlists her teens, Will and Robbie, to make a grocery run. “I always give them extra money to buy a candy bar or something else they want,” she says. “Yes, the groceries are technically for all of us, so it’s a ‘household task,’ but I appreciate the help.”

To Pay or Not to Pay: That Is the Question Parents often wonder if they should pay kids for tasks that they probably theoretically should be doing anyway, such as household chores or earning good grades. Getting in the habit of compensating teens is not a good idea, says Dr. Neil Brown, psychotherapist and author of Ending the ParentTeen Control Battle. “We want kids to believe in themselves and enjoy and accept challenges without being paid for them,” he says. Besides, it’s easy to get distracted from the goal by a bidding war. If you offer your kids $100 for every A, what’s to stop them from

demanding $150 the next year? “When parents manipulate kids, kids are going to manipulate back and try to minimize the effort and maximize the reward,” he says. If our goal is to teach kids a sense of personal responsibility and the skill set for engaging challenges, then bribing them means they may have achieved the behavior, but not the learning. “Instead, we just had a transaction,” says Brown.

When Bribing Can Work We shouldn’t bribe teens for tasks that are part of pitching in to the household, agrees Dr. Jennifer Fre e d , P h D , a n d c o - f o u n d e r of AHA! (Attitude.Harmony. Achievement.), a non-profit organization that empowers teens. However, while bribing shouldn’t be a way of life, she believes it can be used situationally. Take a shy kid who wants to stay in her room rather than socialize. Sometimes you have to bribe teens into doing something that’s scary or new because it gets them through the door, points out Freed. “If you want your teen to try something outside their comfort zone like a martial arts class, it can work well to incentivize them,” she says. Maybe tell them that if they participate for 10 weeks with a good

attitude, you’ll buy that sweater they’re eyeing. But paying for grades can backfire, even when you consider the argument that adults get paid for their “work.” Freed says it’s important to help kids see that working for money is a low-level reward and a low ceiling for personal satisfaction. “We are working with young, flexible brains and as a parent, I want to inspire them to look for fulfilment in their life and work, which doesn’t come just from a paycheck,” she says. That’s where those intrinsic rewards kick in—the feeling of pride when you have mastered a hard task or earned an A from diligent studying. While my kids know that hard work and good grades are expected, I’ll admit I’m fond of the wellplaced bribe in the right situation. When my teen was grumbling about spending his vacation in Yellowstone where there’s no WiFi (The nerve of me!), I offered one evening hour at the internet café, with 10 minutes subtracted each time he complained. The first night he only earned 20 minutes, but he slowly improved—and by the last day, we heard not one peep. Giving him that hour on Snapchat felt like a win-win for all of us. n

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TWEEN TALK

Helping Our Kids Learn to Speak for Themselves By Sharon Holbrook

During just one day of travel, my 11-year-old managed to lose both a baseball cap in an airport and a family laptop computer in a rental car agency. Obviously, phone calls had to be made to (hopefully) get the goods back, but who was going to make them? There’s a case to be made that it should be my kid doing the talking. The

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only way kids learn to talk to adults, says Julie LythcottHaims, author of How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success, is by practicing. “If we do it all for them throughout childhood, then we basically unleash them on the world with no skill—lacking one of the most fundamental skills we need, which is the

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ability to interact with other humans effectively.” Makes sense, right? But how do we get our tweens (and maybe even our teens) to the point where they can speak and advocate for themselves, confidently and respectfully? Like most child-rearing dilemmas, it all begins at home. Before kids can talk to strangers or adults, they

have to learn to talk to those they know best—their family and friends. Michele Borba, author of U n S e l f i e : W h y Empathetic Kids Succeed In Our All-About-Me World, emphasizes the need for face-to-face connection, which helps kids learn to read others’ feelings in their face, tone of voice, or body posture. (See interview with

Borba on page 56.) Tweens are often “more comfortable texting than talking,” says Borba, which is even more reason why we need to protect time for play with their friends, and to carve out “sacred unplugged time” at home as well. Parents can model conversational skill (not to mention foster closeness) by making space for plenty of laid-back, chatty togetherness. As kids are becoming more comfortable talking with those in their inner circle, it’s time to stretch them a bit outside the home, too. Sure, we’re talking about tweens here, but LythcottHaims says we can start supporting our kids as soon as they have a decent amount

the front desk. There’s making the small purchase in a store, after asking an employee which aisle has the item they’re looking for. Even when it comes to interacting with authority figures, experts recommend starting to hand over the reins to our tweens, says Lythcott-Haims. “We do a lot of advocating for them … with teachers, principals, coaches, referees. But the truth is, when they leave our homes for college or the workplace, their lives are full of strangers. They have to know how to approach someone respectfully with whatever concern or question is on their mind.” The good news is that if we start now, we have

of language, maybe as early as age two. When someone asks your child her name or age, we can turn to our kid and prompt her to answer instead. “You’re empowering them to speak to other people instead of being their mouthpiece,” says Lythcott-Haims. You don’t have to have started at two, though. Once we pay attention to how often we are speaking for our kids, we will notice the everyday chances we have to encourage and mentor our tweens to speak up. There’s not only ordering their own restaurant meal, but asking an employee where the restroom is. There’s talking to the doctor, and giving their name to the receptionist at

the chance to coach them through it. With this in mind, my son called the airport lost-and-found to ask about his missing NBA hat. We rehearsed what he was going to say and what manners he would use. And lo and behold, he did it, with me by his side. “Do you think they knew it was a kid calling?” I asked after he’d hung up. “I don’t think so, Mom,” he told me with satisfaction. We never did find the hat, but at least we’re making progress of another kind. n

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TECH TALK

Should We Worry About Online Dating? By Mary Helen Berg

Every now and then, there’s a news story that seems tailor-made to panic parents of teens. Several years ago, it was the news that online dating seemed to be finding its way to teens, with disastrous results. Photo: Beth Segal

In 2012, the friend-finding and dating app Skout temporarily shut down its teen component after three teen users reported that men posing as teenagers on the app raped and sexually assaulted them. The FBI has reported multiple cases of adult men meeting minors on mobile apps, sexually exploiting them, and transporting them across state lines. This is serious stuff, but when we talked to teens about whether dating apps are being used in their circles, they brushed off the idea. “I don’t think high school kids use dating apps…that’s more for adults,” one high school senior from Ohio told us. A 17-year-old New Jersey senior agreed that it’s very un-

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common, and added wryly that when apps like Tinder are used by high schoolers, they’re “usually used ironically.” According to teens, the real way to meet romantic prospects online is through their own traditional social media accounts. A high school junior offered, “Lots of my friends use Instagram to meet each other and start an eventual relationship.” This was echoed by several other teens, who all agreed that commenting or liking a stranger’s (or a friend of a friend’s) social media posts might lead to in-person meetups later. Whether we’re talking about teens meeting strangers through dating apps or social media, though, the

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considerations and risks are similar. While people of all ages should use caution, meeting strangers online presents a particular danger to adolescents. Teens may exude social media-savvy, but they’re prone to risky behavior and often aren’t developmentally ready to spot red flags, says Christine Elgersma, senior editor of parenting education for Common Sense Media. It’s critically important, then, for parents and teens to maintain an open dialogue about what teenagers are up to in real life and online, and to step in when necessary. (See sidebar for tips for parents.) Today, social media enables teens to connect with and meet up with strang-

ers much more easily than ever before. So it pays to be aware of the app world, even as it changes more quickly than we parents seem to be able to keep up with. One example is Yellow, a newer app that turns Snapchat into a kind of Tinder, allowing users to swipe right on selfies of teens the user wants to be “friends” with, and then provides info to allow the two to connect on Snapchat. Yellow allows users 13 and older, but a Common Sense Media review rates it for 18 years and up. The site contains some sexually explicit photos and no effective age verification, according to the review. Some other dating and friend-finding apps have re-

strictions that are supposed to protect teen users. MyLOL, which calls itself “the #1 teen dating site in the U.S., Australia, UK, and Canada,” requires users to be between the ages of 13-19, and requires those under 18 to say they’ve obtained a parent's permission to use the website. Of course, for a creative teen or cunning predator, circumventing these rules is as easy as snapping a selfie, experts warn. By entering a fake birthdate or photo, anyone can end up on a site where they don’t belong. This puts teens at risk, cautions Ellen Harrell, director of outreach and prevention for the National Center for the Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC). The possibilities to worry are endless, but the solution is the same, whether we’re talking about Tinder, Instagram, or the latest yet-to-be-invented app. Stay aware, parents, and stay involved.

WHAT PARENTS CAN DO • Teach your teen to • Focus on internet safety protect personal information such as her full name, phone number, address, birthdate, and school name. Remind her to turn off “location” in her apps, which allows others to see where she is when she posts.

• Ask him to identify a

trusted adult he can approach (hopefully you) if he ever feels uncomfortable about an online encounter.

• Encourage her to

trust her instincts. If something feels creepy, it probably is, advises Harrell.

rather than on individual apps, since new apps are always popping up.

• Check his phone and

online history. Know where he’s going online, recommends Elgersma, senior editor for Common Sense Media.

• Rely on open

communication as opposed to programs that block apps or sites.

• Draw the line. Especially with dating apps, Elgersma emphasizes, it’s okay to say “no.”

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YOUR TEEN

| JULY-AUGUST 2017

HOT TOPICS

Interview with

Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of Unselfie Author and expert Michele Borba, Ed.D., has written numerous books on children, teens, and parenting. Her practical, research-based advice is the result of a career spent working with over one million parents and educators worldwide. In her new book, UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World, Dr. Borba addresses narcissism and how parents can combat it by building empathy in their teens. Do you think that this generation is more narcissistic than others? Yes. The bottom line is empathy is lying dormant. Empathy can be cultivated, but we aren’t doing that intentionally enough as parents. Our definition of success has become IQ, grades, and SATs, with less focus on kindness. What we are doing is raising our kids to stay in the 'me' stage, and we need to start helping them think ‘we’ not ‘me.’ How did this generation become the "selfie" generation? The culture itself has dramatically changed, and many variables are triggering it. Kids are always plugged in, so they’re facing screens as opposed to one another. Also, role models have moved away from Mr. Rogers toward Kim Kardashian. Isn't some sense of selfabsorption expected during the teen years? Yes, but in some cases, teens can be more self-absorbed because they’re stressed. This is a tough time to be a

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teen. Stress is at an all-time high, and what happens is you dial down your empathy because you’re in survival mode. You’ve got to try to protect yourself. Teenagers also start to lose empathy because they’re so concerned and preoccupied about what others are thinking about them. They’re trying to form an identity. That said, we shouldn’t let them get away with being uncaring and unkind. We need to call them on it. And we must teach our teens healthy ways to manage stress.

Can we help our teens be more empathic when they're overwhelmed? Our teens do have empathy. They feel it, but they can’t reach out because they’re in self-protection mode. Very often what happens is they see that other person’s pain, and then the guilt sets in because they don’t have the strength to be able to do something about it. You can tell them, “It doesn’t have to be in the here and now. You can always call your friend later, or you can text them and say, ‘Hey, are you okay?’ It can be hard to say that in front of everybody.” The other thing is that teens tell us they’re developing compassion fatigue. They’re seeing nothing but doom and gloom stuff. In the olden days, we could turn off the TV and protect them. The smaller the screen size, the less likely we can protect them. They’re seeing ISIS beheadings, they’re seeing live war feeds from Iraq. That’s going to make a difference on a kid’s empathy.

Michele Borba’s

9 Traits that Boost Empathy How do we counteract that reality? Start showing them the good part of the world. They need to hear elevating experiences, like kids on the back page of a newspaper who are making a difference. Do “required community service hours” teach empathy? Many parents see service hours as a boost to the college resume. But service, if it’s going to increase empathy, must be something important to the teen. Say your daughter loves soccer. She might be the perfect person to go out and help underprivileged kids who can’t afford soccer coaches. The right volunteer experience has the potential to be transformational, rather than just

1. Emotional literacy. Learning to read people’s emotions through voice, facial expression, and body language.

something that looks good on a resume.

2. Moral identity. Developing a caring mindset.

Can you tell me your favorite story from your UnSelfie interviews? Kevin Curwick, a football captain in Osseo, Minnesota, got so tired of cyberbullying and meanness at school he decided to start an anonymous Twitter account called Osseo Nice Things. He sent out the first tweet to one kid who was having a really bad day, and within seconds the kid tweeted back, "Thank you," and tweeted the same kind of thing about another kid. Kids started following him, and copying his positive social media approach and tweeting nice things as well, and it spread to countries around the world.

3. Perspective-Taking. Being able to listen to another person’s point of view. 4. Moral imagination. Reading literature and watching films that are empathetic. 5. Self-Regulation. Learning coping strategies to keep the stress down. 6. Practicing kindness. Making a family rule that every day you do or say at least two kind things. 7. Collaboration. Working with others. 8. Moral courage. Teaching kids how to be upstanders, to stand up and speak up for others. 9. Altruistic leadership. Experience compassion in action. Doing service projects with face-toface interaction that makes a difference.

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SMALL STUFF

Breaking Up is Hard to Do: Helping your teen through the end of a relationship By Rebecca Meiser

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Laura’s daughter Tracy* had been dating her high school boyfriend, Dan, for five years, and Tracy truly believed that that he was “The One.” They had mapped out their future—ever ything from where they’d live to how many children they’d have. To top it off, Tracy’s whole family—and especially Laura—adored Dan. So, when Tracy called Laura in hysterics from college, saying that Dan had broken up

with her, Laura ached for her daughter—and also felt a bit betrayed herself. “I was sick to my stomach,” Laura says. Laura wanted to call Dan herself and demand to know what he was thinking—and she also wanted to simultaneously whisk away her daughter’s pain. Instead, she comforted Tracy the best way she could, saying, “You are kind and beautiful and smart. There are

lots of other great guys out there. You will find the right one.” It took a long time for Tracy to believe that, though. “Her self-esteem really took a hit,” Laura says. For many of us, watching our children suffer is the hardest part about being a parent. But as much as we want to, we can’t rush their healing time. “You need to let your kid come to you and just be sad,” says Elizabeth Glanzer, a Santa Monica-based therapist specializing in teenagers and families. “Breakups need to be grieved—just like any other loss.” Try to avoid minimizing the relationship, whether it lasted five years or five weeks. “Sometimes parents see their teenager going through their first breakup and say, ‘Oh you’ll be over it in a month,’”

Glanzer says. “But teenagers don’t have a lot of experience with relationships ending. So, for them, it really does feel comparable to a divorce for an adult.” It’s also normal for teens to be rather egocentric. Telling them all about your own breakup experiences will not necessarily help them feel better. “Teenagers have this sort of natural belief that the world revolves around them,” says Dr. Jennifer Powell-Lunder, a New York-based psychologist and adjunct professor at Pace University who works with tweens, teens, and young adults. “They think that no one has ever thought or felt the things that they think and feel. As a parent, it’s natural to want to tell them, ‘I know just how you

feel,’ but a lot of teens will see this as an insult, especially during an emotionally charged moment.” What your teenager needs most during this time is your ear and your sympathy. “Kids aren’t necessarily looking for advice,” says Glanzer. “Most of the time, they just want to think out loud.” For a lot of teenagers, simple words of comfort like, “I’m so sorry you are going through this” and “I’m here for you” are what they most need to hear from Mom or Dad. “Those types of sentiments show that you get how much pain they are in,” Glanzer adds. At the same time, you don’t want your child to be totally enveloped by sadness. “I tell teens they are allowed to have a pity party, but, even-

tually, they have to move forward,” Powell-Lunder says. If their sadness overwhelms them and starts to impact their daily life, a professional might need to step in. And though it may be hard for your teen to believe in the moment, it’s true: Time does, in fact, heal most wounds. It took a while— and a number of bad dates— but Tracy is now happily dating someone else. Laura has moved on, too. “I remember calling Tracy, about six months after the breakup and saying, ‘I’m officially over this,’” Laura recalls. “Tracy said, ‘Well, that’s great for you, Mom,’ but she laughed.” In that moment, Laura knew both of them would be OK. n *All names have been changed

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SNAPSHOT

Mom, Can We Talk?

By Joan Allaby

I escaped to my bedroom to read after the busyness of supper was over. My husband settled into his favorite position on the couch to watch yet another hour of secret alliances and betrayal on Survivor. Monica, our 17-year-old daughter, had disappeared into her room earlier with her laptop. Propped against a couple of pillows, an afghan draped over my legs, I relaxed with my latest library pick. I had read only a couple of pages when there was soft knock at my bedroom door. Before I could answer, my daughter poked her head around the door. “You busy?” she asked, coming into the room and closing the door after her. She climbed onto the end of the bed and sat facing me, her long legs curled under her. I placed my current bookmark, an old grocery list written on the back of an envelope, between the pages of my book. “Of course not. What’s up?” Monica played with the fringe of the afghan. Her head was bent and her long, strawberry-blonde hair partly obscured her face. But then she looked up, and her face blushed soft pink. Her words came out in a rush. “Well, you know, Michael and I have been together for almost a year and a half now, and we’re pretty serious, and, well, don’t you think it’s time we talked about birth control?” “We” she had said, meaning she and I. 60

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“Wow. Ah, okay. Yes.” I sit up straighter on my bed, setting my book aside. I feel my face getting warm. That was not what I had been expecting. Not that I had been expecting anything in particular, but there were any number of things she might have wanted to talk about: A school project she was having trouble with, the latest undeserved criticism from her yearbook advisor (She was editor this year.), something she wanted to buy, anything but birth control. Birth control meant sex. It meant she and Michael wanted to have sex. It probably meant they’d gotten pretty close to having sex. Maybe on her bed in the room across the hall. I liked Michael. He was a tall, personable young man, a good student from a good family. In fact, I discovered soon after they’d started dating that his mother was my optometrist, a woman I’d always liked. A talented musician, he played bass in the high school jazz band and cello in the youth orchestra. He was Monica’s first long-term, serious boyfriend.

I shouldn’t have been surprised by the topic. I’m not naïve, and I don’t wear blinders all the time. I had wondered recently how far their physical relationship had progressed and knew that I should talk to my daughter about sex and birth control. But if I could put the discussion off for a little while longer, well, that suited me fine. My daughter and I have a good relationship. We talk. When she comes in from school, she tells me about her day: The joke her biology teacher said during the frog dissection that day; her struggles in math class; her frustrations with her yearbook co-editor; her worries about university next year. But despite our usual easy rapport, I now found myself stumbling over my words. This is not how a modern mother should react! “I thought you might have said something by now about it,” Monica said. “Yes, well, I should have,” I agreed. “I find it kind of hard to talk about.” Should I have just admitted to her that I was embarrassed? That I didn’t

know how to broach the topic, so I just put it off? That I’m actually a throwback to the 1950s: An old-fashioned, conservative parent who would prefer to think of her little girl as chaste and unsullied, never experiencing sexual urgings? After all, my mother brought up the topic of sex and birth control the day before my wedding. (I was 26 years old and had had several boyfriends by that time.) She had asked me if she needed to tell me about “things,” or did I already know what I needed to know. It wasn’t necessary, I had reassured her. I already knew. And that was the end of the conversation. But that conversation wouldn’t work now. “Just because I’m on birth control doesn’t mean I’m going to have sex,” she told me. “It’s just something I’m

thinking about.” She slid off the bed and wandered around the room, fiddling with the hairbrushes on my dresser. “Of course. You’re being smart and responsible, and I’m glad you came to me. Really, I am,” I reassured her. “I’ll call the doctor’s office tomorrow, okay?” “You’ll come with me, won’t you?” There was my little girl again. I got off the bed and stood next to her. “Of course.” I hugged her. My brave girl. I felt her arms go around me. She briefly laid her head on my shoulder. I wondered afterwards how long she had been wanting to talk with me. Had she spent the evening, maybe multiple evenings, practicing her speech over and over in her head, pacing the narrow floor between her bed and dresser waiting for just the right moment?

Two weeks later we sat in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. She smiled nervously at me when the nurse called her name. Together we entered the examination room. Maybe a more responsible, proactive, and confident mother would have had “the talk” with her teenage daughter much sooner than I did. But I’m pretty proud of myself anyway, because I raised a daughter who was able to talk to me when she needed to. n

Joan Allaby is a writer from New Brunswick, Canada, and mother of two children. She has successfully navigated the teenage years, and her children are now in their 20s.

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ALL ABOUT ME

Must it always be about them? All About Me is a chance to talk about something other than your teen—finally.

You Complete Me. (Please.) By Stephanie Schaeffer Silverman

They were insistent. “Are you watching Big Little Lies? It’s great—you have to watch it.” Yeah, add it to the growing to-do list of television series I will never get to: House of Cards, The Americans, The Crown, Stranger Things, Transparent, The Good Wife, Grace and Frankie. Who has this much time? My attitude changed while vacationing in Boston last week, when my sister told me she wanted to watch Big Little Lies. We often read the same books, and, after all, this was a book first. We never get to watch shows together, though. What a treat. Episode one starts with a murder. By episode two, it became apparent the producers were divulging neither murderer nor victim until much later in the series. We watched every episode unfold, culminating in Episode Seven, the finale. Everywhere I went, people were talking about the series. “Do you think the season will end with us finding out who the murderer is, or will that pick up next season?” And that’s when I heard the music to my ears:

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“No, I read the book, and did some Googling. This is a mini-series—it ends with episode seven. That’s it. Done.” Can I get an “amen”? I can be done with something I recently started? Over? No episodes hanging over my head? I’m feeling lighter already. It may seem ridiculous, but unwatched episodes weigh on me like an end-ofterm English composition assignment. Gilmore Girls? Yep, still in season three—you heard me right.

Orange Is The New Black? Finished the last season, but there is a new season coming—lord knows when, but probably too soon. How about the many books on my n i g h t s ta n d ? O n B e a u ty — p a g e 76. Haven’t picked that one up in months. The Mysteries of Pittsburgh—page 101. Started this one when the abovementioned novel didn’t keep my attention and felt like a homework assignment. The New York Times from last weekend— Style, Business, and Travel? Yep, still by my bedside in a pile on the floor. I am thinking about going back to toddler books like Moo Baa La La La just so I can feel like I’ve actually finished something. It seems there is no end to anything— work, carpools, paying bills, home repairs, doctor’s appointments. It all just keeps going, and going, and—say it with me—going. We all know this about chores, but when did leisure time become so stressful? I thought leisure time was when you gave yourself specific permission not to finish something—unless, of course, it’s happy hour. Then, and only then, I am all about completion. After all, I do have some standards to uphold.

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