Your Teen for Parents: March-April 2016

Bigger Kids. Bigger Fun.

PARENTS:

It’s Okay to Say “No” Should You Ever Give Your Kid a Prescription Painkiller?

The Lowdown on

The New SAT

When Parents Disagree The New Comic Strip You Should Be Reading

VOL. 8 ISSUE 4 MARCH-APRIL 2016 $ 3.95

Why Sports are Getting a Bad Rap

7

things you can do to support your teen yourteenmag.com

COFFEE GROUNDS CAN SAVE A LIFE.

MIND YOUR MEDS

Prescription drug abuse kills more teens than heroin and cocaine combined.

So if you have expired or unused meds, conceal them in an undesirable place like used coffee grounds, and throw them in the trash.

Learn other ways to safely dispose of your meds at drugfree.org

Š Partnership for Drug-Free Kids, a nonprofi t 501(c)(3) charitable organization.

CONTENTS 24

FEATURE:

30 Why Sports are Getting a Bad Rap

7 Steps to Keeping Sports Fun (and Sane)

36

So, Your Teenager Wants to Play Sports in College

37

Teen Speak

p.

Photo: Beth Segal

DEPARTMENTS:

p.

38 Crossroads

30

Prescription Painkillers?

41 Ask the Doctor Stress!

47 College Corner

UP FRONT:

8

Bulletin Board

8 #ParentHack 9 Stats 9 Snapchat 10 How Do You De-Stress?

22 Book Review

Em & Em by Linda Budzinski

24 Perspectives

When Parents Disagree

12 Products

50 Money Matters

Building Financial Confidence

54 Hot Topics

14 To Call or Not to Call the Other Parent?

16 Ree Drummond’s Hamburger Soup 18 Ridesharing

Author Neal Pollack Talks About Raising a Son

56 Small Stuff

How to Say “No!” and Mean It

18 Move Out Skills

Formal Communication (Yes, Formal)

COVER PHOTO : BETH SEGAL

Should You Take Away a Phone?

Hey Kid, Relax (Really)

14 In a Minute

Interview with Fowl Language cartoonist Brian Gordon

49 Tech Talk

52 Tween Talk

Kid Tested, Parent Approved

20 In the Spotlight

The Lowdown on the New SAT

p.

16

58 Snapshot

Keeping Busy Until My Daughter Wants to Talk

60 All About Me

No First Responders in My House

YOUR TEEN

| MARCH-APRIL 2016

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March-April 2016 Volume 8, Issue 4

PUBLISHER & CHIEF REVENUE OFFICER

Stephanie Silverman PUBLISHER & EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Susan R. Borison EDITORIAL EDITORIAL MANAGER

Diana Simeon COPY EDITOR

Laura Putre PROOFREADER

Jessica Semel

SALES

Holly Braschwitz, Lisa Golovan, Shari Silk

Ursuline is ranked the most affordable private college in Ohio

— US Department of Education College Scorecard

An Ursuline education is an affordable investment that pays dividends in your future. Nearby Cleveland provides over half of the student body with real-world experience. Last year, 100% of first-year students received aid and new alums were employed at a rate three times higher than the national average. Focusing on holistic education, Ursuline College empowers women to lead and change the world.

CREATIVE CREATIVE DIRECTOR

Meredith Pangrace PHOTOGRAPHER

Beth Segal

WEB CONTENT WEB CONTENT EDITOR

Mindy Gallagher IT SPECIALIST

Hunter Chisolm

CIRCULATION CIRCULATION SPECIALIST

Eca Taylor

THIS ISSUE CONTRIBUTING WRITERS

Monica Arkin, Parker Beach, Mary Helen Berg, Ford Carlisle, Sydney Eliot, Cathie Ericson, Dr. Deborah Gilboa, Rebecca Meiser, Joanna Nesbit, Jane Parent, Jocelyn Pihlaja, Dr. Matthew Rouse, Brian Rutter, Kendell Shaffer, Eca Taylor, Katie Way

More content online at yourteenmag.com

A DV I S O RY B OA R D Elise Ellick

Teen Counselor in the Division of Adolescent Medicine, Department of Pediatrics at MetroHealth.

Lauren Rich Fine

Executive Search Consultant at Howard & O’Brien Associates.

Marcia Hales

Business Manager with One Wish, LLC.

Amanda Weiss Kelly, MD

University Hospitals, Rainbow Babies & Children’s Hospital Pediatrician, Director, Pediatric Sports Medicine.

Julian Peskin, MD Cleveland Clinic staff member, Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

Sylvia Rimm, PhD

Psychologist, Director of Family Achievement Clinic, Clinical Professor, Case Western Reserve School of Medicine.

Michael Ritter, CPA

Retired Partner, Ernst & Young LLP.

Ellen Rome, MD, MPH

Pediatrician, Head, Section of Adolescent Medicine at Cleveland Clinic.

Chris Seper

Founder, MedCity Media and Publisher, MedCityNews.com.

Amy Speidel

Certified Parent Coach at Senders Parenting Center.

Sonni Kwon Senkfor, MBA

Independent Consultant. Facilitator with The WIT Group and MAC Consulting.

Judy Stenta, MSW

Retired Project Director, SAY, a program of Bellefaire JCB.

Steven Wexberg, MD Staff Pediatrician, Cleveland Clinic Foundation.

Lucene Wisniewski, PhD, FAED Clinical Director and co-founder of the Cleveland Center for Eating Disorders.

Lee Zapis

President of Zapis Capital Group.

facebook.com/YourTeen

@YourTeenMag

Your Teen, Vol 8, Issue 4, March-April 2016 is a publication of Your Teen, Inc., a bi-monthly publication, $3.95. Bellefaire JCB, 22001 Fairmount Blvd., Shaker Heights, Ohio 44118. ©2016 by Your Teen, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without the written consent of Your Teen magazine.Your Teen does not verify claims or information appearing in any advertisements contained in this magazine. While advertising copy is reviewed, no endorsement of any product or service offered by any advertisement is intended or implied by publication in Your Teen.

ADVERTISING

Contact Stephanie Silverman at 216-337-1374 Your Teen Media P.O. Box 21083, S. Euclid, Ohio 44121

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YOUR TEEN

| MARCH-APRIL 2016

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EDITOR’S LETTER I haven’t always had the greatest impression of high school sports.

Four of my five kids are talented musical theater kids who happened to enjoy recreational sports. One day, while watching my daughter’s high school basketball team get creamed yet again, the woman next to me really wanted our losing team to rise above their natural talent and win.

She started screaming “advice” to my daughter while she lumbered down the court.

“Pick up the pace. You’re barely moving. Come on. What’s your problem?”

I sat for a few minutes, and then as the shouts started up again, I turned to the woman and said, “That’s my daughter.” I said it politely (at least that’s my memory).

She mumbled something about trying to be helpful. We were both a little squirmy and uncomfortable.

So began the dance of separation, as we each made slight, almost imperceptible shifts in our position on the bleachers until we had finally moved away from each other.

It was laughable, and sad. Nothing was at stake; the team had never won a game.

Yet there were still fans who just couldn’t help themselves.

“

When a great coach leads your kid, you just say a huge thank you, because that man is helping to raise my son.

”

My fifth kid is an athlete. He started playing football in 8th grade. Every day he would tell me when to pick him up.

Every day I would show up and wait, and wait, with the other parents who, unlike me, seemed not to mind. Frustrated, I told my kid to call when practice was over (he wasn’t too happy about that).

Then there was an added practice, or an extra practice during vacation. New to the culture, I found it shocking and wrong.

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R

Now my son is a freshman in high school. He is singularly devoted to the sport (despite my best efforts to suggest musical theater, basketball, tennis, or really anything else). The coach is extraordinarily kind, focused on academics, and well respected as a coach. The parents are fanatical fans.

But the behavior is generally exemplary. One dad would pace around ranting and raving, but I believe there must have been an intervention because his craziness became much more subdued.

My son is focused and devoted to football, the coach, and his teammates. He will walk in the most awful weather to be at a practice on time. He eats differently because his coach suggests a healthy diet. And his team bands together when a fellow player is struggling.

That’s when it dawned on me. Maybe my opinion of sports could shift.

Like everything else, sports are all about the people. So when a great coach leads your son, you just say a huge thank you because that man is helping to raise my son.

Mary Helen Berg’s seven tips to keep sports positive is spot on. Isn’t that what we all want at the end of the day?

Speaking of things we want … In Perspectives, two kids and one dad shared their experience of surviving different parenting styles. Seems that even when the parents disagree, the kids are okay.

There’s so much more great stuff, including Brian Gordon, the creator of the hugely popular comic strip, Fowl Language.

Diana Simeon also covered the more serious topic of prescription painkillers and whether teens should ever take them.

We love answering questions that are submitted through the website—yourteenmag.com/ask-a-parenting-expert. And our readers love them as well. So keep ‘em coming.

And, as always, enjoy the read.

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CONTRIBUTORS

Mary Helen Berg

We're delighted to welcome Mary Helen Berg to the pages of ​Your Teen. The Los Angelesbased writer—who frequently writes about parenting—tackles youth sports in our feature on page 30. You’ll love her “Seven Ways to Help Your Teenager Stay in the Game.”

Dr. Matthew Rouse​​

Whether it's on our website or in the pages of this magazine, Dr. Matthew Rouse's guidance is ​a lways ​invaluable. Turn to page 24 to read his advice for what to do when you disagree with your partner's parenting decision. Rouse is a psychologist with the New York City-based Child Mind Institute.

Brian Gordon

After reading cartoonist Brian Gordon's ​Fowl Language​, you may think he's been hiding in your closet. He. Gets. It. And he makes us laugh. Flip to page 20 to read our interview with Gordon.

Neal Pollack

When writer Neal Pollack wrote about being a parent of a toddler, in his bestselling ​​novel, Alternadad​, it "made him the spokesperson for a new generation of parents," according to one reviewer. This issue, we got a chance to talk with Pollack (page 54)—a journalist who recently published his tenth book, Keep Mars Weird​— to find out what it's like to be the parent of a soon-to-be teenager.

Dr. Deborah Gilboa

We're always delighted when Dr. Deborah Gilboa writes our Tween Talk column. This issue, she tackles the topic of how to help a teenager who puts too much pressure on himself. Turn to page 52 to get started.

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YOUR TEEN

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YOUR TEEN

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#ParentHack Through the years my daughters have been the lucky recipients of gifts from generous family and friends. But they have not always been so gracious about thanking them for their thoughtfulness.

After struggling to get them to write thank you notes, I came up with an idea that worked for all of us. (Mostly.) They were not allowed to cash any of the checks or have any of the presents until they wrote a thank you note for that gift. I figured it was only fair.

I started by explaining the new rules and how they were going to work. I got eye rolls and “whatevers.”

But then the allure of that new basket of shower gel, body lotion, and body spray sitting on the dining room table was too much. Next came, “Mom, where are the thank you notes?” “Mom, where can I find Uncle J’s address?” “Mom, where do we keep the stamps?” It took time, but they eventually got there.

Now that my daughters are older, family members tell me about the notes they received from my daughters thanking them for their gifts. Without any prompting from me. My job here is done. —Eca Taylor

What’s Up with Snapchat?

No self-respecting teenager is only on Facebook.

And Instagram … so last year. What’s hot now?

Snapchat. We asked a recent college graduate to help us understand why Snapchat is so popular.

Do you really want to know?

65% of parents say they employ “digital grounding” by taking away a teenager’s Internet privileges or cellphone as a punishment.

By Monica Arkin I was slow to hop on the Snapchat bandwagon. I didn’t see the point when I already had accounts on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. But, eventually, I decided to try it, and now I’d say that Snapchat is often more enjoyable and convenient than other platforms.

In case you are unfamiliar with Snapchat, here’s a quick overview. Snapchat is a way to share pictures and videos, called “snaps.” You can control how long a friend can see your snaps—up to 10 seconds. And friends can only open your snaps once. There is a public aspect to Snapchat, too, called “snap stories.” If you post a snap to your “story,” all your friends can view the post as many times as they like for 24 hours.

Here’s what I like about Snapchat: It’s manageable. Because snaps can only be viewed once and stories refresh every 24 hours, my snap feed is easy to check out quickly.

Whereas checking Twitter or Instagram can easily turn into 30 minutes of stalking someone’s posts from 2013.

There are no “likes” or comments. That means Snapchat is less about seeking approval —trying to get as many likes as you can on Instagram, for example—and more about

sharing moments with friends. A lot of teens find it a relief not to have to worry about “likes” on Snapchat.

No one sees how many “friends” you have. That’s also a relief for teens and, for me at least, it also means that Snapchat users are less inclined to accept requests from strangers. Because why would you when “friend” numbers don’t matter?

PEW RESEARCH CENTER

In 2015, some college acceptance rates dropped as low as 5.05% for the first time ever.

It doesn’t hog your memory. You get to both send and receive your snaps, without ever saving anything to your phone.

IVYWISE.COM

It’s fun. You can edit your snaps in so many ways, adding captions, emojis (who doesn’t love emojis?) funny effects, filters, and lots more.

38% of teenagers say they save money.

Still, I recommend a few precautions. It’s true that snaps do not linger on the Internet like Facebook or Instagram posts—we’ve all heard horror stories about a college admissions officer or employer tracking down old pictures— but it’s easy to take a screenshot of a snap, so I never send or post anything I may regret. If someone does take a screenshot of your snap, you will be notified. I also set my profile to private, and to be extra safe, I’m pretty picky about whom I accept as a friend.

STATISTICBRAIN.COM

Less than 50% of teenagers say their high school has helped them with career exploration.

YOUTHTRUTHSURVEY.ORG

YOUR TEEN

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BULLETIN BOARD

How Do You

De-Stress?

This issue, we asked teenagers what they do when stress levels are rising.

I go boxing, go to the beach, or drive around playing music.

I also like to think about what is making me stressed and see how I can overcome it.

Dani Rey, who just released her debut album "Yo!" and is a freshman at the Pennsylvania State University.

Watching my favorite movie or TV show.

Marisa, Long Island, NY

Face masks, drinking tea, and just taking time to breathe.

Bailey, Washington, DC

Listen to music. Just take a chill pill.

Jared, Gaithersburg, MD

Charles Christopher, of the Los Angeles-based rock band, The Christopher Brothers.

I write down the things I need to accomplish and check off what I have completed.

This keeps my “to do list" organized and prevents my head from getting overwhelmed.

Go for a hike near the ocean.

Ben, Cleveland, OH

Go for a drive or scream really loudly.

Eat a snack.

Dylan, Los Angeles, CA

Sleep.

Jack, Manalapan, NJ

Joanna, Cleveland, OH

What helps me is to listen to music or pray. Music always calms me down and praying is never a bad thing to do. I don't know what I would do without both of these things.

Noah Urrea, an American actor who is currently starring in Amazon's The Kicks.

YOUR TEEN

Garret, Middletown, MD

I play video games, play or listen to music, or play Wiffle ball with my brothers.

Julia, La Jolla, CA

Listen to music.

Alexis, Solon, OH

Jordy, Hollywood, FL

I listen to music or look at funny Buzzfeed articles.

10

Exercise or video games.

| MARCH-APRIL 2016

Meditate, yoga, and plan my escape from college.

Elizabeth Williams, Grinnell, IA

Play with my dog or work out.

Anne, Richmond, VA

Go for a run.

Brittany, Cincinnati, OH

I surround myself with friends and family, who make me laugh and forget about the mind clutter. Also, my dog Scupper is a bundle of love who brings me so much joy. I write songs, go hiking, or watch Netflix ...anything that helps me to feel relaxed, free, and happy.

Britt Flatmo, an award-winning American actor and singer, who played Peg in J.J. Abrams’ "Super 8" and won "Female Vocalist of the Year" at the 25th Annual LA Music Awards.

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Product Picks Kid-tested and parent-approved, Your Teen recommends:

AQUASANA FILTER WATER BOTTLE

Go green this spring with Aquasana’s on-the-go, water-filtering, reusable bottle. Simply fill it up with tap water, and the builtin filter will reduce lead, chlorine, and 99 percent of bacteria and cysts.

Each filter lasts for 80 gallons, the equivalent of 640 disposable plastic bottles. “It’s really nice to drink filtered, fresh-tasting water,” says friend of Your Teen Erica Brenner. “The bottle fits very well in your hand, and it’s nice to look at.” Available in glass or BPA-free plastic. $29$39. aquasana.com

THE GREAT PLATE BBQ season is around the corner (really!), so we say stock up on a pile of these Great Plates. They solve that age-old party problem of what to do with your drink, while trying to eat off your plate. Just stash your beverage in the middle and bon appétit. It floats in a pool and doubles as a Frisbee (for real). Sold in packs of 12. $36. greatplate.net

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MIXED CHICKS SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER

Kiss your frizz goodbye. Mixed Chicks Shampoo and Conditioner works with all hair types, but it’s especially good at taming curly hair … “whether you’re black, white, Asian, Latin, Mediterranean, or any glorious combination of the above,” say the founders. Your Teen Editor in Chief Susan Borison is a convert. “I love this stuff,” she says. “It got my curls under control in just one wash.” $14.99 and up. mixedchicks.net

MATADOR POCKET BLANKET

This blanket is the perfect solution for the sports mom or dad, who doesn’t want to carry a folding chair from game to game. Throw a Matador Pocket Blanket in your bag — or stick it in your glove compartment — and you’ll always have a blanket to sit on. “This is a must-have,” says Will Erwin, nephew of Your Teen’s Stephanie Silverman. “You can use it anywhere.” And it’s water repellent, puncture resistant, and extremely compact. At 63 inches by 44 inches, it's large enough for 2 to relax. $29.99. matadorup.com

CHAT LIGHT

Let there be light … on your gadgets. Specially designed to add light when you’re using services like FaceTime or Skype, the ChatLight easily hooks to your computer or other device. It has two settings: bright or less bright. And it’s adjustable, so you can use it on different devices. “You can clip it onto electronics and even books of varying widths, so I actually used it the most when I was reading on my Kindle,” says Madeline, daughter of Your Teen’s Eca Taylor. $29.99. chatlight.com

THE POWER IT UP USB CAR ADAPTER AND POWER BANK

No one likes having that dreaded "low battery" icon pop up on their phone when they're away from home, but we all forget to charge our devices sometimes. The Power It Up USB Car Adapter and Power Bank comes to the rescue. It’s a phone charger with an added bonus: a lithium ion battery pack that will keep it charging after you exit your car. “I tend to charge my phone or iPad on the drive to meetings, and there's often not enough time to get a full charge in time, so being able to toss my device and charger into my bag, and know it's still going strong is really helpful,” says Your Teen art director, Meredith Pangrace. $39.95. impecca.com

SNAPPOWER USB CHARGER

It’s an outlet cover. It’s a USB charger. Actually, it’s the SnapPower USB Charger, a combined outlet cover and USB charger in one. "This is so useful,” says Rick, husband of Your Teen’s Eca Taylor. “I can recharge a USB device, while not taking up an outlet spot. I installed it in the kitchen so it gets lots of use.” $20. snappower.com

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MARCH-APRIL 2016

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IN A MINUTE

When to Call the Other Parent There are times when we learn something about an adolescent that makes us think, “His parent needs to know that.” WARNING! Before you pick up the phone, take a moment or, better yet, sleep on it. Consider whether that teenager’s parents really need to know? Will it help or hurt? We’ve got a graphic to help. Pick your scenario:

Their Kid Did Not Invite Your Kid

Their Kid Was Mean to Your Kid

You Know Something Juicy

4 Why not: Over the next few years, you will likely learn many things about your teenager’s peers that you might think another parent would want to know. But as juicy as your information is, ask yourself: Is that teenager in any immediate danger?

If your answer is “No,” then don’t call.

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Why: If you know for a fact — hearing it third-hand does not count—that another teenager is behaving destructively (or being victimized), consider how you can get the information to the parent. Examples of such situations include substance abuse, self-harm, relationship violence. You can approach the parent yourself in a non-judgmental, get-tothe-point way. “Here’s what I know. I will not share this information with anyone else. And we do not need to talk about it again.” Or you can find a thirdparty; a school counselor can be an excellent option.

The Other Parent is Your Friend

4

4 Why not: Again, calling another parent to complain that your teen wasn’t invited or, worse, to ask for an invitation, won’t help.

And it might even hurt when the news gets around school the next day. Instead, help your teen develop the resilience to handle this unfortunate, but not uncommon situation. “Ugh, I’m sure that feels awful. What about going to the movie with another friend?”

4

4 Why not: Chances are, you will not help your teenager by telling another parent that their child is a jerk, regardless of the gentle words in which you couch the criticism.

Instead, focus on your own teenager. Be sympathetic and explore ways your teen can handle the situation on his own (like hanging out with different friends). Your teen is being bullied? This is different, though you should call the school (and not the bully’s parents).

You Know Something Dangerous

Why wait: While other parents—even your best friend!—may say they want to know, the fact is you may be risking a friendship when you pick up the phone to tell on their teenager. Only you can answer the question of what kind of information is worth that risk.

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IN A MINUTE

RECIPE

Hamburger Soup You had us at hamburger ... teenagers are sure to love this delicious, easy-to-make soup from Ree Drummond's new cookbook, T ​ he Pioneer Woman Cooks: Dinnertime​.

INGREDIENTS: 2½ lbs ground chuck or other ground beef 1 large yellow onion, diced 2 celery stalks, diced

5 large red potatoes, scrubbed and cut into 1-inch chunks 3 cups beef broth, more as needed 3 Tbs tomato paste

3 garlic cloves, minced One 14.5-oz can whole tomatoes 1 yellow bell pepper, seeded and diced 1 red bell pepper, seeded and diced 1 green bell pepper, seeded and diced 4 carrots, peeled and sliced on the diagonal

½ tsp kosher salt, more to taste ½ tsp black pepper 2 tsp dried parsley ½ tsp ground oregano ¼ tsp cayenne pepper

DIRECTIONS: 1. In a large pot, combine the meat, onion, celery, and garlic. Cook the mixture over medium-high heat until the meat is totally browned, then drain off and discard as much fat as you can.

2. Add the tomatoes and their juices, bell peppers, and carrots. Throw in the potatoes, beef stock, tomato paste, salt, black pepper, parsley, oregano, and cayenne. Stir everything together, then bring the mixture to a boil.

3. Reduce the heat, cover the pot, and simmer the soup for 15 to 20 minutes, or until the potatoes are tender but not overly mushy. If the soup is too thick for your taste, just splash in a cup or two of beef broth until it’s the consistency you like.

4. Dish it up and serve it piping hot!

MAKE AHEAD: For some reason, this soup always seems to taste better the next day! Feel free to make this ahead of time and store it in the fridge for up to 3 days. If soup is overly thick when reheated, add a little extra beef broth or water to thin it to your liking.

VARIATIONS: Add any veggies you’d like to the soup: diced zucchini, corn kernels, cut green beans, or mushrooms.

Use ground turkey instead of ground beef.

Add peeled, diced parsnips or peeled, diced butternut squash to the soup.

From The Pioneer Woman Cooks: Dinnertime © 2015 by Ree Drummond. Reprinted with permission from William Morrow/HarperCollins

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Grades 2-10 A summer at Camp Wise is filled with kayaking and jet skiing on our private lake, horseback riding, archery, mastering the high ropes course, creating pottery, performing and singing and ending the week with beautiful Shabbat celebrations.

Without even realizing it, your kids are learning new skills, gaining confidence, making life-long friendships, and strengthening their Jewish identity.

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Savings, Service and selection for over 93 years!

440-449-2650

YOUR TEEN

| MARCH-APRIL 2016

17

IN A MINUTE

Who Needs a Designated Driver, When You’ve Got Uber?

E

veryone seems to be having a love affair with ridesharing services— Uber, Lyft, Curb—and that includes teenagers and their parents. Parents have discovered that these services can be a dependable way to get their non-licensed adolescents around town. Can’t pick your daughter up from swim practice because you’re working late? Send a Lyft. Meanwhile, some teenagers are using ridesharing as a “designated driver” on weekends. Here’s what parents need to know: • There are two major ridesharin g services, Uber and Lyft, with a growing number of regional services, including those that specialize in transporting minors, like Los Angeles’ HopSkipJump.

• The services match passengers with approved drivers. Passengers request rides using an app on a smartphone.

Pricing varies by the number of passengers, distance, and the city in which you’re located. An Uber ride in San Francisco will cost you more than an Uber ride in Pittsburgh, for example.

• They are trackable. You can use a ridesharing app to check the status of a ride, both before it arrives and during the trip.

That means parents can see where their teenagers are—whether they’re almost home or stuck in traffic.

• Uber says it won’t transport unaccompanied minors, but apparently it “happens all the time,” according to press reports; Lyft will do so if a parent makes a ride request. Teens over 18 can use these services on their own.

On the one hand, this keeps these teenagers safer because they are not driving. In fact, a recent survey by MADD and Uber found that 30 percent of respondents under the age of 30 use rideshares to get home after drinking. But it’s also possible that some teenagers may drink more, or more often, knowing they don’t need to get behind the wheel. Bottom line: if your teenager is using ridesharing to attend social gatherings, it may be time for a conversation. n

Which brings us to a potential downside of ridesharing. Some teenagers are using ride-sharing as a “designated driver.”

MOVE-OUT SKILLS 101:

Formal Communication (Yes, Formal) A lot of communication these days is pretty much totes casual, but there are still times when your teenager will

need to use actual formal English outside of the classroom. Applying for a job or communicating with a college admissions officer, for example. This issue, we offer a run-down of some basics teenagers need to keep in mind.

• Format your letter correctly (google “how to format a formal letter” to get started).

• Check your spelling and grammar, especially capitalization. Mistakes will make a bad impression.

• Use a more formal style of English, but not so formal that you sound old-fashioned.

• Use an honorific (Ms., Prof., Mr.) and begin with Dear (Dear Ms. Smith:). Note the colon after the name.

• No contractions (It is not It’s, I would not I’d). No slang or acronyms (LOL). Write in complete sentences.

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• Keep your letter or email to three or four paragraphs (or less).

• Close your communication appropriately: “Sincerely” will work in the majority of cases.

“Thanks a bunch” … not so much.

• Use a standard font. Times New Roman works …

Comic Sans does not.

• Ask a parent or friend to proofread your letter or email before you send it.

Cleveland Institute of Art Creativity Matters

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Courses in: n Animation n Architectural Drawing n Biomedical Art n Digital Painting Foundation in Art+Design n Graphic Design n Illustration n Industrial Design n

and creative peers from across the country. In 15 different programs—ranging from glassblowing to game design— students learn to use new equipment and techniques, build impressive portfolios, and think seriously about their creative futures. Learn more, or apply, at cia.edu/precollege.

Jewelry +Metals n Photo + Video n and more n

Since 1882

IN THE SPOTLIGHT

Brian Gordon,

creator of Fowl Language

C

artoonist Brian Gordon is one of those brave people who puts his life out there for everyone to see.

The former writer and illustrator for Hallmark draws inspiration for his work from his own two kids and lovingly writes of the joys and challenges of raising a family. We sat down with Gordon to talk about his writing process and parenting tactics.

You have young kids, but your comics speak to parents with kids of all ages. How do you achieve that universality?

One thing I learned at Hallmark was when I would have to write from grandmother to son-in-law—I’m not a grandmother, but I had to put myself in her shoes.

So you learn how to have a tuned sense of empathy. You know what concerns people.

I wrote a cartoon about the witching hour and how babies cry at the end of the day, and that was directly from friends’ Facebook posts.

You just seem to really get parents, which is impressive.

I hear that a lot, you know: “How are you spying on me?” But these things are way more universal than I ever thought they would be.

I would discover that my kid is weird and unique in this way and you kind of bottle it up. And then if you complain about it out loud, ev20

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erybody is kind of like, “My kid does this, too.” We all think our kid is unique in their horrible behavior, but this is a universal thing.

When did you first realize you were into comics?

I spent a lot of time being a very indoorsy kid. All the kids are out playing baseball, and I’m pulling comics out of the paper. I could copy pictures of Snoopy pretty well, and somehow I learned the term “syndicated cartoonist,” which is like, “Oh, I get to draw all the funnies.” Some kids wanted to be astronauts; I wanted to be a cartoonist. So, I’ve been plugging away and making cartoons ever since.

Were your parents supportive of it?

I was the third of three kids, and my parents were all parented out. So a lot of the way I was raised was like being in a bed and breakfast where

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they’re just like, “Here’s your bed, food is downstairs, try not to get arrested, keep it down, and good luck.” They were just very hands off, so I was like, “I’m going to draw cartoons,” and my parents were like, “Great! Can you do that quietly?” and they just left me to my own devices.

What has it been like having kids of your own?

When my wife brought home our baby, we realized that you can’t teach a newborn how to do anything. They can’t even open their eyes, so I put the books away for a while. And when my son was like 5 or 6, I was like, “Hey you got the motor skills finally, maybe it’s time to start teaching you how to be a doctor or something.”

And for better or for worse, both of my kids are drawing machines, and I’m very supportive of that, but there’s a part of me that’s like, “Maybe you should learn math, or something as a good back-up.”

Is your wife similarly artistic?

She’s fairly creative as well, but she’s definitely the one who makes sure the bills get paid on time and that we get to soccer practice at the proper time. I’m the more left side of the brain, the artsy cartoonist, that’s definitely me, and she’s more of the critical thinker.

Do you ever worry that your comics will be taken the wrong way?

Yes. Every time. I’ve gotten less nervous, but, it occasionally comes back to bite me on the butt. I did this comic about lying to your kids, telling them that McDonald’s is closed for the weekend so they can’t go there, and the tagline is “Remember they are only this dumb once.”

And this woman was like, “This is child abuse” and just ranted and wrote 12 paragraphs on why I was the devil. I responded to it, and I tried to do it without

being too touchy, and “Let me give you the author’s intent here.” I love my kids, and if you read the greater context of the strip, I adore my children and I’m joking about them. I thought she would have this moment of realization. Quite the contrary—her fans just freaked out, and I was compared to Jim Crow era racism, Nazi Germany. I was like, “You’re joking; do you people hear what you’re saying?”

Do you ever include your wife in your comics?

No, I never make fun of her.

If I’m making fun of somebody, it’s my kids or myself. I try to post more of my inadequacies as a parent or the big things my kids do versus making fun of her. Like today I did a thing about dropping off and picking up your kids from daycare and how much of a pain that is.

And my wife was like, “Oh, so you wrote about me this week.” It’s like when people ask, “How do you research your comics?” Well, I just listen to the one thing that keeps getting yelled in my ear. For the most part, my wife gets a kick out of it.

Do you ever feel like you’re throwing your kids under the bus?

When my first kid was born, someone at work had a daughter a month after my kid, and I remember this contest of sorts where it was like, “Oh your kid is just sitting up now. Wow that’s a

shame. My kid has been sitting up since the month they were born.” And it just became this great big deal, this kind of contest of who is better and who is developing quicker. It depressed me. I was like, “Gosh maybe our kid isn’t as smart, or maybe we should bring him to somebody, or maybe there’s something we’re not doing.”

And it’s the sort of thing with my comics now where

I’m like, “Hey instead of pretending our kids are better than somebody else’s, let’s all take a moment and share the fact that all our kids are annoying and irritating and do all this crazy stuff.” Raising kids is a struggle, and that’s more fun to talk about than trying to make other parents feel lesser because their kids aren’t as awesome or smart as our kids. n

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BOOK BOOK REVIEW REVIEW

Em and Em by Linda Budzinski Quick yet beautiful, this book is a must read, say our reviewers.

ADULT REVIEW

By Kendell Shaffer

W

h at a great book to dive into! Em & Em is wonderfully written, with welldrawn characters. Hard not to read in one sitting. Budzinski really understands how to navigate the world of teens and introduces heavy issues without lecturing.

There are very few adults in the novel, even though it concerns a pretty adult situation: a family is in witness protection because of its 16-year-old daughter, Emily Slovkowski. We take this journey from Emily’s point of view, as she reinvents herself in a new town. The author brings us quickly into Emily’s extremely awkward new world, showing what it’s like to enter a new school with a new identity and a made-up past.

We learn that the family—which includes Emily’s mom and younger sister—had to enter witness protection

because Emily may have evidence to convict a murder suspect. It turns out there is more to Emily's past, something that she has hidden from her family and links her to the murderer.

Emily tries to forget about her old life and integrate into her new high school under the identity of Ember O’Malley. Although she’s happy for the new start, she has trouble being away from her boyfriend, Zach.

Ember integrates surprisingly easily into her new school, landing a job as a photographer at the school newspaper.

She is charmed by the cowboy editor, Charles, and becomes confused as to where heart belongs: Zach or Charles?

Amid the romantic struggles, there are other difficult issues, mostly surrounding the date rape drug Rohypnol.

The writer handles the introduction of the drug and its effects on Emily in a very logical way, with no lecturing. The

TEEN REVIEW

By Sydney Eliot

F

rom the moment I read the first paragraph of Em & Em, I was wrapped up in the story of Emily (or Ember as her new friends know her) and refused to put the book down. It is full of relatable characters, thrilling plot twists, and enticing storytelling. Emily pulls you into her beautiful yet terrifying world and won’t let you go until the unexpected and mysterious ending.

Emily lived a quiet life. Not a popular girl at her school in New Jersey, she spent her time taking photographs and swooning over boys. However, her life drastically changed when she met Zach, a gorgeous boy from a different social group. From then on, she fell into a pattern of parties, 22

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drugs, and a hunger for truth. Emily became a witness for a murder case that sent her into Witness Protection far away.

There she began a new life away from her troubled, haunted past.

Can Emily keep her original identity or is the girl from the Jersey Shore lost forever? It's a mysterious love story that will leave you wanting more. Quick yet beautiful, Em & Em is a must read.

Sydney Eliot is a 10th grader at New Roads School in Santa Monica, Calif. She is interested in International Relations and recently started the nonprofit World Arts Initiative, which sends dance clothes and shoes to children in Rwanda. worldartsinitiative.com

reader is right there with Emily and the other teens as they discuss and deal with the drug, and with drinking and partying in general.

I highly recommend this novel to teen girls, though I think it could be important for teen boys as well. Em’s two boyfriends in the novel, Zach and Charles, are kind and caring and speak nicely to her, in contrast to other male characters n the book. It’s reassuring to see that Em is drawn to the kind boys and stays clear of the others.

I’m looking forward to reading more from this thoughtful and entertaining new author.

Kendell Shaffer is a Young Adult novelist and teaches screenwriting to teens in Los Angeles. kendellshaffer.com

DARING GREATLY: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead SAY–Social Advocates for Youth invites you to attend a discussion on Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead. Written by thought leader Dr. Brené Brown, the book provides a transformative new vision for the way we lead, love, work, parent and educate .

“Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.”

“What we know matters, but who we are matters more.”

“The mandate is not to be perfect and raise happy children. Perfection doesn't exist, and I've found what makes children happy doesn't always prepare them to be courageous, engaged adults.”

Book Discussions Free and open to the public!

» April 5

7-8:30 p.m.

Orange Public Library (Stanley Room) 31975 Chagrin Blvd.

» April 14

7-8:30 p.m.

South Euclid/Lyndhurst Public Library (Meeting Room C) 1876 South Green Road

» April 20

11 a.m.-12:30 p.m.

Bellefaire JCB One Pollock Circle 22001 Fairmount Blvd.

(Facilitated by SAY staff)

SAY

A Program of

Bellefaire JCB

SAY – Social Advocates for Youth is a school-based prevention and early intervention program of Bellefaire JCB for students in middle and high school. SAY services are offered in eight east suburban school districts in Cuyahoga County: Beachwood, Chagrin Falls, Cleveland Heights-University Heights, Mayfield, Orange, Shaker Heights, Solon and South Euclid-Lyndhurst.

For information:

Nancy Schaumburg LISW-S SAY Coalition Coordinator 216.320.8469

schaumburgn@bellefairejcb.org

www.e-say.org

PERSPECTIVES Perspectives reflects the full tapestry of our society: from parents, teens and professionals.

CONTRIBUTORS

Teen 1

Teen 1's Point

By Katie Way

Katie Way

Teen 2's Point

Ford Carlisle

Parent 1's Point

Brian Rutter

Professional

Dr. Matthew Rouse

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When Parents Disagree

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My parents are very different people who come from very different places, so it is only natural that they’d occasionally disagree when it came to raising me.

My dad, who emigrated from Myanmar when he was ten years old, is a successdriven lawyer who read me Ben Carson’s autobiography when I was in the fifth grade. He also happens to be a General in the U.S. Army Reserves. My mom is an elementary school teacher from New Jersey with a degree in special education. She likes detective novels and goes to church every Sunday.

Somehow parenting was one of the only things I ever saw them disagree about—other than my dad’s packrat tendencies and his quick walking speed while the three of us were on vacation.

That’s right, the three of us. I am an only child, and therefore my parents’ only chance to raise the next President of the United States/future CEO of Google (my father’s vision) or a well-adjusted and faithful Catholic girl (my mother’s).

These goals did not stand in opposition to each other by default, but as I grew older they sometimes clashed, especially when I entered high school.

During the quarters when I failed to

earn straight A’s, my mom would reassure me that what mattered was that I was trying my best, while my dad grimaced silently, no doubt calculating how these less-than-perfect scores would impact my chances of admission into an “elite university.” In the summertime, my dad pushed me into educational programs that he believed would look good on a college application, while my mom urged me to get a job instead so I could learn the value of a dollar and a hard day’s work. When she learned I loved stand-up comedy, my mom was aghast because of the way male comedians “degraded women” in their material. My dad, on the other hand, laughed along with me.

It was often confusing and even challenging to please both of them at once, and sometimes in defiance I would shut down and refuse to listen to either. I wanted my mom to stop trying to censor the movies I watched and the music I listened to, and I wanted my dad to talk to me about something other than my prospective colleges and my plans to raise my GPA. Luckily, they both relaxed the reins once I headed off to college (at a school my dad deemed “elite” enough) and I no longer feel torn between the two of them. But in the end, it was not their disagreements that shaped me into who I

am today, but rather the places where they found accord. Through their shared love of reading, travel, and, most importantly, me, their support helped me grow into the self-assured, happy, and healthy young woman that I am today.

Katie Way is a journalism student at Northwestern University who enjoys comedy, writing, and singing to her dog.

Teen 2

By Ford Carlisle

A secret about parenting that parents don’t share with their kids is that there are no real qualifications, aside from the ability to reproduce. But no matter how seriously your parents took the assignment in home economics class with the mechanized baby that would cry if it was on its back for too long, there’s no way to prepare for that level of responsibil-

ity and commitment. Essentially, parents are still somebody’s children until they have children. This is increasingly evident to me as I witness my slightly older peers get married and have children (not necessarily in that order).

As a child, I assumed that my parents weren’t meant to be anything other than my parents. But I see now that my parents worked hard at parenting; they navigated their lives and belief systems to work with each other to raise my siblings and me. For that, I give them credit. Nevertheless, they did disagree on some aspects of parenting style, but I believe that I am better for it because I learned that different styles could be successful.

I am lucky to have grown up in a house with happily married parents. My dad has been married three times, with the second marriage producing my older sister. So he is the more experienced parent, for what it’s worth. He has what I like to think of as a macro attitude to

ward parenting. He was more than content to sleep through the kids’ morning routine and let us find our own way. But he would ask for an update on our college application process or our summer plans every dinner like clockwork. My dad is likely to let the small stuff slide, but he has a great sense of when to be stern with all things pertaining to “the big picture.”

My mom, on the other hand, has a more micro approach to parenting.

While my dad was getting his beauty sleep in the early mornings before school, she would be the drill sergeant barking orders to make sure we made our beds and to prepare us properly for the rest of the day. She was the engine that made the cogs in the house turn.

Because of my mom’s influence, I have a borderline compulsive desire to put any dirty dish in the dishwasher and to fold my clothes before I put them in my drawer. I have never met a person with a stronger work ethic than my mom.

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PERSPECTIVES WHEN PARENTS DISAGREE

How did these different parenting styles affect the way my siblings and I grew up? For one thing, we learned selective communication skills. I was much more likely to ask my dad if a friend could come over, just as I was much more likely to go to my mom for a reprieve from college talk. My mom could understand when my dad was being too hard on us, and vice versa.

I’m glad that my parents did not approach raising me the same way. They showed that there are plenty of different ways to love your kids and to be a strong role model. On my sporadic visits back home, whenever I talk with one of my parents, that parent will always say how lucky I am to have the other parent to keep me balanced. Not only do I feel more well-rounded as a result, but also more confident about what it takes to be a good parent.

Ford Carlisle is a third year journalism student at Northwestern University from Ashtabula, Ohio.

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Parent 1

By Brian Rutter

“Dad, can you drive me to Lisa’s house?” my daughter sweetly asks. “Have to be there in ten.”

“Sure,” I respond. “Let me get my keys.”

As I open the garage door, I hear thundering, urgent feet resound above my head.

My wife runs down the stairs yelling, “Brian, Where are you going?”

“I’m taking Kate to Lisa’s house,” I respond.”

“I told Kate she couldn’t go unless she picked up her clothes from the bathroom floor,” my wife says. “She’s playing you again. ‘Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!’”

And so it begins again. Two parents divided by one child.

Teenagers have you coming and going. Domestic guerillas in skinny jeans and high tops, they work the schisms between parents to gain advantage.

And while parents often remain unified

in their resolve, having to continuously negotiate with each other and mitigate the damage can fracture a marriage.

I get it. My siblings and I were children of parents who were never on the same page, and we quickly understood that Dad’s “Yes” meant Mom’s “No,” and vice versa. We were off to race our bikes (or the movies) as they argued about the whos, whys, and hows.

Once they divorced, our parents’ differences were even easier for us to exploit.

When our children are babies, daily baths and dreaming of a rosy future keep cooing parents perfectly in sync.

But as time moves on and children enter their hormonal teens, diapering and daily naps evaporate into frantic discussions about when they can drive the car and whom they may date.

My wife and I … we see the big picture. We make sure we agree before finalizing any big decisions. Face to face, in texts, on the phone, every day. And most of time, we have peaceful nights on our peaceful lane.

But all it takes is the umpteenth request—drop me off, pick me up, and clean up my sleepover mess—from our it’s-all-about-me 14-year old, and suddenly things begin to fracture Suddenly, it’s…

Didn’t you know your daughter just went to the mall yesterday?

Why did you get hoodwinked into driving four of her friends all over?

Why do you need to always be so likeable?

The last question sets off heated discussions about parenting style and substance well into the night.

Suddenly, we are like two clan members fighting over ancestral moral territory that neither of us really cares to defend. While our teenage daughter slumbers, presumably dreaming of Shawn Mendes and Ray-Bans, we are left existentially exhausted.

It’s funny. We seem so in tune. If an outsider treats our child badly, we’re steadfast allies taking no prisoners.

Medical emergency? We are a welltrained triage team moving in per-

fect unison. Boyfriend troubles? Mom heals a broken heart while dad runs to Baskin-Robbins to soothe the wound.

My wife and I are both nurturing, honest, and funny. We’re homebodies who love being with our teenage daughters for dinner or having open discussions with them.

But our high-school and college-age daughters see the fundamental differences in our personalities and parenting styles. My “don’t worry, be happy” attitude. My wife’s common-sense, firmer approach. My extroverted exuberance. Her introverted resiliency. My strengths. Her strengths. Our strengths, and our weaknesses.

So maybe next time I’ll text my wife before I drive my daughter… better to be safely aligned than have to say you’re sorry.

Brian Rutter is a hard-working husband, dad, and hypoallergenic dog owner who continues to make his way through the weeds and tweeds in suburban Connecticut. He blogs at www.theburbman.com

ASPIRE

+

Professional

By Dr. Matthew Rouse

Pull up in your mind any ‘80s sitcom that depicts a family (Family Matters, Family Ties, etc.). Now think of an episode where the parents have to deliver some kind of consequence to their child. What does the scene look like? Invariably, both parents are sitting calmly with the child, saying something like, “Your father and I talked and decided....” The parents typically agree on how the problem should be handled, showing a completely united front.

Now think about your own family. How often does it go down like that? If your answer is 100% of the time, you can stop reading because you’ve won at parenting.

For all the rest who may find themselves disagreeing with spouses or co-parents about parenting decisions, here are some suggestions I regularly give to parents: Beware of the “polarization” trap: It’s a well-studied phenomenon that people with particular views on a topic take a

ACHIEVE

At Baldwin Wallace, you’ll experience personal and professional growth in a supportive community that challenges and inspires you to succeed.

Berea, Ohio 44017 www.bw.edu Baldwin Wallace University does not discriminate on the basis of race, creed, age, disability, national origin, gender or sexual orientation in the administration of any policies or programs.

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PERSPECTIVES WHEN PARENTS DISAGREE

more extreme stance when they’re faced with somewhat opposing views. It’s happening in politics right now—the liberal become more liberal and the conservative become more conservative. This can happen in parenting, too. For example, one parent may naturally be more of a disciplinarian; the other may have more laid-back tendencies. Put these parents together and suddenly you have one parent who wants to ground for life and the other who wants to let everything go.

This happens because each parent feels the need to offset the effect of the other.

The consequence-focused parent worries that the teen won’t learn the lesson and pushes for more severe consequences. Conversely, the permissive parent worries that harsh punishment might damage self-esteem or hurt the parentchild relationship and takes a stand for a slap on the wrist.

When you find yourself reacting strongly to a decision your spouse/co-parent made, try to get some perspective and tune into your values as a parent. Do you

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really think the teen needs to be punished so severely, or are you falling prey to polarization? Think about the decision you would make if your spouse was out of the country and you had to come up with the decision on your own. Likely, you’d want to consider your co-parent’s perspective too, which is also what you should try to do here.

Have empathy: If you’re feeling baffled or frustrated by a parenting decision that your co-parent made, try to understand the “how” and the “why” of that conclusion. Often the answers for someone’s approach to parenting may be found by thinking about that person’s own childhood. For example, a dad who always wants to be the “good-time dad” and is reluctant to set limits or give consequences may have grown up in an overly punitive environment. He may have decided that he’s going to parent his kids differently. Understanding the source of your spouse’s parenting style won’t solve differences, but having empathy

will soften you in your approach. You’ll be more likely to have a productive discussion and maybe even more likely to compromise.

Hand it off and let it go: Sometimes parents just cannot reach a compromise and have to agree to disagree about certain parenting decisions. This may be when it’s time to just divvy up. Perhaps Mom makes decisions about dating and curfew, while Dad makes decisions about academic expectations. It may mean digging deep to bite your tongue when you disagree. It may help to remember something I often tell parents: No one parenting decision is going to ruin your kid. Rather, it’s the sum of all of your decisions throughout the years that influences the development of your child.

Matthew Rouse, PhD, MSW, is a clinical psychologist with the Child Mind Institute in New York City.

At Beaumont School, our International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme educates the whole student.

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YOUR TEEN

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29

Why Sports are Getting a Bad Rap 7 Tips to Keep Sports Positive

BY MARY HELEN BERG

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C

razy coaches.

Pushy parents.

Sometimes amid all the sideline noise it’s hard to remember that teen athletes are playing a game. And games are supposed to be fun, right?

Ken Kish of Grosse Pointe Park, Michigan, raised three athletes—two sons and a daughter—who played multiple sports during high school, practicing up to six days a week and all summer long.

Some coaches screamed; others threw punches. One routinely instructed his pitcher to bean the batter at home plate on purpose.

Off the field, overzealous— and overconfident—parents created stress and drama by pushing their kids to shoot for sports scholarships they had little chance of winning.

Somehow through it all, the Kish kids never soured on sports. All three went on to play for their college teams; the youngest won a partial scholarship.

Whether your teen is a casual player or has hoop dreams, you can help make sure her sports experience is positive—even if every season isn’t perfect.

Why Play?

If you’re like most U.S. parents, you have plenty of good reasons why you want your teen on a team.

Nearly 90 percent of par-

ents surveyed in a 2015 poll—by Harvard University, National Public Radio, and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation— reported that sports helped their children stay healthy, while 81 percent said sports instilled discipline in their kids.

In fact, teen athletes do tend to be physically fit and stay busy and out of trouble, says Donna Merkel, a sports clinical specialist who wrote about the impact of youth sports for the Open Access Journal of Sports Medicine.

But the benefits of playing sports are even broader. Teen athletes are less likely to smoke or do illegal drugs. Teen pregnancy and suicide rates are lower among athletes, while levels of self-esteem are higher.

Benefits turn up in the classroom, too. Teens who are active in sports and other extracurricular activities are better at setting goals and managing their time, according to several studies Merkel cites.

“When you look at kids who participate in sports, generally they are the kids who do better in school,” Merkel notes. “They have a better sense of time management because they know, ‘I have to be at practice from 4:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m., so if I want to be in bed by 10:00 p.m., that gives me four hours to do my homework.’”

Despite these perks, research shows that up to 70 percent of teenagers drop sports by the time they hit adolescence, mostly because they stop having fun.

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SPORTS

7

Tips to Keep Sports Positive

1

Avoid Negative Talk

Naturally, your teenager’s sports experience will be a topic of conversation, but be thoughtful in your approach, advises Jim Thompson, author of The High School Sports Parent and founder of the Positive Coaching Alliance.

Win or lose, remember to tell your teens that you enjoy watching them play and that their performance doesn’t affect your feelings for them. Ask open-ended questions such as, “What was the best part of the game for you?” rather than, “Why didn’t you throw to second?” Remember that you aren’t just talking sports; you’re building a strong relationship.

And that bond, says Thompson, “is the emotional equivalent of a full-ride scholarship.”

2

Share Your Values

In the heat of the game, when a coach loses control or a teammate’s parent forgets to act like an adult, model behavior and counsel your teen to remember your family values out on the field, Ken Kish of Grosse Pointe, Michigan says.

“There was one game the summer after my son’s freshman year when they had to clear the field because the coaches were fighting with the other coaches on the field,” Kish recalls. “I explained to my son that’s not how he was taught or raised and that’s not how you play the game.”

3

Deal with the Coach

S o m e t e e n at h l e t e s s p e n d m o r e t i m e with their coach than with their families, so finding someone who is a good role model is key, experts say. But if the coach fails to hit the mark, write it off as a life experience.

“Having a positive coach is like a gift,” Thompson says.

“And when you don’t have one, it can still be a positive experience for kids because you can help that kid develop strategies to deal with people who are hard to deal with.”

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“Win or lose, remember to tell your teens that you enjoy watching them play.”

4

Stay out of the Fray

If your teen clashes with a teammate, another parent or a coach, brainstorm strategies to resolve the conflict, but if possible, let her handle it.

“I think parents really should stay out of it,” says Merkel. “The only time I really think they should intervene is if they think their child is in a toxic situation.”

Urge your teen to be her own advocate with the coach. If she’s not getting enough game time or is dissatisfied with her position, encourage her to ask her coach to outline his expectations. Roleplay with her to work out potential scenarios. Help her set attainable goals like keeping a positive attitude and working hard at practice.

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SPORTS

5

Be a Cheerleader

Photo: Beth Segal

“Be supportive and don’t judge them,” advises Daniel Gray, an 18-year veteran coach who teaches coaching skills to American Youth Soccer Organization volunteers throughout Los Angeles. “Assume that they’re always trying their best.”

And unless you are actually your teen’s coach, be content with being her biggest fan, Thompson adds. Applaud and cheer, but don’t offer direction—it can sometimes conflict with the coach’s strategy.

Remember this is her game, not yours.

Finally: “For God’s sake, do not embarrass them by screaming at an official,” Thompson says.

6

Listen to Your Teen

Don’t force your teen to stick with a sport they no longer love. Motivation to play needs to come from within, says Gray.

Even if your athlete shows promise, forcing her to play a sport she hates, or to stay with a difficult coach, is rarely going to help her get the scholarship that you’re sure she deserves.

“I know the old saying, ‘Never Quit,’ but if you’ve really come to the realization that you disagree with a coach’s philosophy of life, then it’s time to step away,” Gray notes. “It’s more important for mental health. If a teen is unhappy playing a sport, then the parents should realize that.”

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7

Find a Fit

Perhaps hand-eye coordination isn’t your teen’s strength and she doesn’t enjoy the Rah! Rah! spectacle of conventional team sports. You can still encourage her to participate in sports like fencing, tennis, rowing, or squash, Merkel says.

Gray coached his two older children in soccer, but his youngest, Stevie, recognized that he wasn’t “a team-sports-type guy.”

Instead, Stevie ran cross-country two years in high school and is an avid skateboarder.

And if the intensity of team sports is a turn-off, take the competition down a notch. Check out local recreation center programs and more casual neighborhood teams.

“Your goals should be to have your youth athlete enjoy what they’re doing, participate without getting hurt and establish good rapport with their teammates,” explains Merkel. “It should be looked at more comprehensively than just being sports. It should be a part of their growing up, not the only thing they focus on.”

In other words, it’s a long season. Keep your eye on the ball. n

TEEN SPEAK

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I Love Sports.

I Hate Sports. By Parker Beach

I

have a love-hate relationship with soccer. I love some parts of it, like scoring a goal, playing my best, or winning the game. But at the same time, I hate certain things, like when a parent screams during the whole game, or when I don’t get any playing time in the game even though I made it to every practice, or when I’m criticized after a tough loss.

I usually have games on the weekends, and they’re some of the best memories of my life. Making the experience even better: my dad coached me for years and my mom has always cheered me on from the sidelines. It’s really great when parents can make it to games and support their kids. We notice when you’re there. It makes us feel confident and loved, and that helps increase our passion for the sport.

It also helps when, after the game, someone tells me that I did a good job, and that they know I played my hardest. When I give it my all, it feels good when others notice. But when I suffer a devastating or frustrating loss, I just don’t want to talk about it, and I especially don’t want to hear a blow-by-blow account of what I did wrong.

I also hate it when someone yells non-stop during a game. It’s so distracting, and frankly, quite annoying. I really don’t care what team you’re rooting for, just please stop making so much noise! During

the whole game, there is always that one parent who yells non-stop. Even if they’re yelling positive things trying to cheer on the players, the constant yelling distracts me.

Besides the parents setting the tone for the players, the coach plays an even bigger part in the players’ experience on the field.

I absolutely hate when I don’t get playing time, especially knowing that I went to every practice, showed up on time, and gave it my best effort. It’s especially frustrating when the coach starts a player who missed practice all week and lets him play the entire game, while I just sit and warm the bench. That tells me loud and clear that hard work, commitment, and reliability don’t matter. I don’t really care who that player is or how good he is, I just would like to get in the game for a few minutes. Is that too much to ask? Fortunately, this hasn’t happened to me this year (thanks to my improved skills).

Even though I have this love-hate relationship with soccer, it is one of my favorite pastimes. And, if parents and coaches truly put the players’ best interests first, it can be a more positive experience for everyone, both on and off the field. n

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B R O U G H T TO Y O U B Y

Photo: Beth Segal

So Your Teen Wants to Play Sports in College?

BY JANE PARENT

Y

our high school basketball player is pretty good, and he has sugarplum visions of playing Division I basketball on a full scholarship. It could happen, right? Well, the reality is that the odds are very slim. According to the NCAA, there are over half a million high school basketball players. Of those, just 3.4 percent will play in college.

How many will receive a full scholarship to play Division I basketball? Just one percent.

In fact, the NCAA restricts full scholarships — a “full ride” — to the so-called “head count sports,” those considered revenue producers. For men, those sports are only basketball and Division I football. For women, they are basketball, volleyball, tennis, and gymnastics.

In the other “equivalency” sports—such as soccer, crew, or lacrosse— athletes typically get partial scholarships, which is where a school divvies up a full scholarship among several student-athletes.

Still, while it’s unrealistic for the vast majority of student athletes to expect a sport will fund their entire college education, there is plenty of opportunity to play a beloved sport at the college level.

Here’s advice for teenagers who want to stay in the game in college.

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Be Realistic. Ask your athlete: Why does she want to play in college? Is it for the scholarship, the glory, and prestige of a big name program, or simply because she loves the game? If Division I is out of reach — DI is typically for the most elite players — and she still wants to play, it’s still possible. “There may be some college, somewhere, that would love to have her,” says Janis Meredith, the author of seven sports parenting survival guides, a coach’s wife, and a sports mom who sees life from both sides of the bench.

Parents of high school athletes should do their research and manage their own expectations, as well as those of their student-athlete.

“Our son thought he was going to be the next Dan Marino,” says Meredith.

“We let it play out. At some point, he realized that Division I was not going to happen for him. But that didn’t stop him from wanting to play college ball, and for him, Division III was a great fit.

He wasn’t a star, but he was still pursuing his dream.”

Look Beyond Division I. DI represents only 345 of the NCAA’s 1,066 member institutions. There are still hundreds of Division II and III schools with competitive, high-caliber athletic programs where your

athlete can be “challenged, stretched, pushed, but they don’t own you, and you still get to enjoy a balanced college experience,” says Meredith. In addition, the National Association of Intercollegiate Athletics (NAIA), while smaller than the NCAA, represents 300 schools that offer athletic scholarships plus merit (academic) scholarships and financial aid.

“Everyone tends to focus on DI, but there are a lot of great opportunities at other levels,” agrees Julie Jones, head softball coach for the University of Akron.

Get Your Name Out. If your athlete

wants to pursue a college athletic program and is not being actively recruited, then he must be proactive and market himself to get his name out there. Send coaches emails and highlight videos.

Attend showcases, camps, or clinics that feature coaches from the colleges she is interested in. Your teenager should let the coach know that he is attending and would love to meet in person.

And there’s no need to pay for a pricey recruiting service.

“You can do so much of this on your own, so there is no need to spend thousands of dollars on recruiting when you may already be spending thousands of

“Parents should encourage teenagers to make sure the college is a good fit, and not just for sports.”

Dreamers, makers and action takers— This is our place.

We are thinkers, doers and pioneers.

The proactive,

dollars to play,” says Jones, who gets hundreds of emails a week from prospective players for her D1 team. “Get your name in front of a coach. Come to camps. Send emails. Put a video together.”

not the passive.

Do Your Research. Jones also advises stu-

Join us.

Now is our time.

dent-athletes do their research before approaching a coach. Coaches like to see that an athlete is knowledgeable about—and wants to join—their program. For example, Jones recently received an email from a player listing 50 reasons she wanted to play for the University of Akron. “It was awesome,” says Jones. “It showed she had paid attention and that she was really interested.” Athletes should also take the time to understand what a coach needs (online rosters are an easy way to do this, says Jones). Your teenager may be the star pitcher on his baseball team, but if a program doesn’t need a pitcher, the coach is not going to be particularly interested.

Make Sure the School is a Good Fit. Finally,

advises Jones, parents should encourage teenagers to make sure the college is a good fit and not just for sports. “Make sure your kid understands that if they walk in the door and on day one they get hurt, they should still want to go to school there,” she says. Also, make sure you understand any limitations a school may place on your student athlete. “For example, there are a lot of schools that don’t allow kids to be a nursing major and still play sports,” says Jones. “So if your kid wants to be an engineer, make sure she can be an engineering major at the school.” n

AreYouOutThere.com

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CROSSROADS

Should You Ever Give Your Teenager

Prescription Painkillers?

By Diana Simeon

During Luke’s senior year of high school, he got his wisdom teeth removed. His mom, Sandra, was surprised when, on the way out the door, the oral surgeon handed her a prescription for an opioid painkiller. She’d read a lot about the dangers of opioids and worried aloud about giving them to her son.

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“The surgeon was also aware of the concerns,” Sandra says. “He still gave me the prescription in case Luke was in too much pain, but he also gave me a prescription for extra-strength Motrin, which we used instead for maybe a day.”

Sandra is an example of a growing number of parents who are questioning whether it’s safe for teenagers to take prescription painkillers for common procedures, like wisdom tooth extraction.

Their concern is not misplaced.

According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse, about half of young people who inject heroin—also an opioid— reported abusing prescription painkillers before starting to use heroin.

“Prescription narcotics and illicit narcotics do the same thing in the brain,” explains Dr. Jason Jerry, an addiction psychiatrist at the Cleveland Clinic’s Alcohol and Drug Recovery Center. “So really when you become addicted to prescription narcotics, then switch to heroin, you are doing the same thing.”

Photo: Beth Segal

Of course, there’s also a risk that a teenager may abuse the prescription painkiller itself. In 2014, according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, almost 500,000 adolescents were found to be “non-medical users of pain relievers.”

Of those, about 170,000 were addicted to pain relievers.

Let’s be clear. The majority of people who take a prescription painkiller do not end up addicted to either heroin or the painkiller. But a perplexing part of the problem is there is no real way to predict who will become addicted and who will not.

“We know that some people who take it are going to get addicted,” says Dr. Stephen Sroka, an adjunct professor at Case Western Reserve University’s School of Medicine. “They didn’t choose to mess up their life with this drug. It just grabs their brain.”

And the current heroin crisis in the United States has been fueled by overprescribing of opioid painkillers over the past decade so.

Here’s what you should do before giving your teenager an opioid painkiller.

1.

ASK FOR AN ALTERNATIVE. “There are a lot of instances where narcotics are handed out to adolescents where they don’t need to be,” says Jerry. “Challenge the physician.

Would high-dose Motrin be more appropriate? Or is there another alternative you could use?”

2.

ASK FOR LESS AND TAKE CONTROL. In some cases, like major surgery, your teenager may require a prescription opioid. “If a prescription narcotic is unavoidable, parents should take possession of that prescription and give it out as needed,” says Jerry. “As soon as your child is able to get by without it, immediately dispose of the rest of it.” Never leave leftover opioids in your medicine cabinet. “The medicine cabinet has become the liquor cabinet of our day,” adds Jerry.

3.

TALK SAFETY. “Just because it’s a prescription does not mean it’s safe. We need to dispel that myth,” says Jerry.

“Seventy five percent of heroin addicts started with prescription pain medication.” Be upfront with your teen about these facts and risks.

4.

SOME PAIN IS OKAY. Remember when you got your wisdom teeth out? Chances are, your surgeon sent you home with instructions to take an over-the-counter pain medication and eat lots of ice cream. Were you uncomfortable? Sure, but you got over it after a few days. No one should have to endure excruciating pain—that’s an appropriate use of prescription painkillers. But teens who undergo minor procedures should be able to endure some pain or discomfort without requiring prescription drugs, say experts.

5.

WORRY …

If your teenager has been taking prescription painkillers, pay attention to any abrupt behavioral changes, advises Jerry. “Hanging out with a new group of friends. Violating rules. An abrupt change of grades. Selfisolating.” These kinds of changes may indicate your teenager is developing a substance-use disorder.

The good news is that lawmakers are stepping in. Over the past several years, the federal government has tightened restrictions on prescription opioids. Now states are too, including Washington, Rhode Island, and, most recently Ohio. This January, Ohio Governor John Kasich announced prescription guidelines that instruct physicians to use alternatives for minor procedures and short-term pain whenever possible. And if prescription painkillers are unavoidable, the guidelines stipulate they should be given in only minimal amounts. But parents still need to be cognizant of the risks at hand and pay close attention even if it’s just few pills. n

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ASK THE DOC

ASK THE DOCTOR

Dr. Brittany Barber Garcia, PhD, is a pediatric psychologist specializing in the assessment and treatment of chronic pain. She practices with Spectrum Health’s Helen DeVos Children’s Hospital in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Are you seeing an increase in the number of pediatric patients with symptoms of stress?

We see 20 to 25 patients per week who are dealing with chronic pain due to stress, ranging from as young as six to 19. We are diagnosing more than we typically did 10 years ago, partly because there is a greater awareness of mental health issues, but also because there are real differences in how we are raising kids these days compared to how we did in the past. Parents now are so much more focused and centered on child-rearing than previous generations were.

Kids see how much their parents are investing in them in terms of time, energy, and dollars, and the level of that focus and expectation can become internalized as stress.

We also see stress-related physical symptoms manifest more in girls than in boys.

Stress!

Young people, like adults, can experience overwhelming feelings of stress that manifest as physical symptoms. Your Teen asked Brittany Barber Garcia, a pediatric psychologist, how you can recognize symptoms and provide support for your son or daughter through difficult times.

Usually these symptoms must be ongoing for at least a threeto six-month period before we would consider them persistent. A pediatrician will usually have seen these patients first and have performed a series of diagnostic tests to eliminate other causes for these symptoms. Assuming that none were found, the patient may be referred to a mental health professional at that point.

What are the sources of stress for these patients?

Children as young as eight are worrying about grades and academic performance.

Some even worry about how they will function in high school, even college. Many tweens are also figuring out who they are, building social relationships, dealing with peers and social interaction, and these can be significant sources of stress.

For many of the high school

students we see, a lot of the stress is self-imposed. They have very big demands on themselves to get straights A’s, to ace their SATs, to get into the best college, to have the best possible career path. While these goals and aspirations can be motivating and positive for some teens, for others, they become overwhelming and can manifest in both emotional and physical symptoms of stress.

What physical symptoms do these young patients have?

We see children with a variety of physical symptoms—headaches, stomachaches, abdominal pain, vomiting, dizziness.

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ASK THE DOC

STRESS

How can parents help kids deal with these feelings?

Model good coping behavior yourself.

Kids respond to what their parents do, rather than what they say, so you yourself need to show them how you handle the stress in your life in a positive manner. Show them how you take care of yourself, mind, body, and spirit.

Talk to them without judgment, and show your concern. Give them the words to label the feelings and emotions they are experiencing. Talk together about options, things that you and your child can do together to help, and encourage them to address these things preventatively together as they happen.

How do you start the conversation with a teen who is overscheduled and stressed out?

Sometimes you may have to help a teen who is really stressed out figure out

when it’s time to take a step back. Look for these things: does he have any down time just to hang out, with no demands on him, or is he constantly busy, going from one activity or obligation to another? Does he use his down time in a way that is restorative and relaxing? Is he withdrawing from family or friends and spending more time alone? Is he more irritable than usual?

If you notice your child lacking chill time, becoming more irritable, or withdrawing from family and friends, reach out in a nonjudgmental, noncritical way and say, “I’ve noticed that you are very busy and things look very challenging for you right now, and I’m concerned.”

Tell him that while you understand he may have a lot of activities that he is passionate about, you want him to be a happy, healthy young adult with a good balance of activities and friends.

How important is family time?

Spending time together as a family is one of the most protective behaviors we as parents can do for our kids. It can be as simple as having dinner together as a family two or three times per week, or a family activity on the weekend.

Alternate asking each family member what they would like to do, so everyone knows they will have a turn to pick an activity that interests them.

In your family time, have limits on the tech usage. Set boundaries so they aren’t texting while you are watching a movie together as a family. Demonstrate to them that you don’t need to be constantly connected 24/7 and can take a break by putting away your own phone when you are together. Children will follow their parents’ lead, so model for them that you value time with them, without technology. n

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How to Help a Grieving Teenager

T

he death of a loved one is difficult at any age, but it can be especially tough for teenagers, who are already dealing with the ups and downs of adolescence. We asked Dominique Butler, school liaison for the Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center of the Hospice of the Western Reserve, how best to help a grieving teenager—whether it’s your own child or her friend. The Bereavement Center is a community-based grief support program offering services throughout Northeast Ohio.

1. Grieving teens still want to be “normal.” Adolescence is a time when most teens just want to fit in. So when a tragedy sets a teen apart, it’s all the harder. “They are looking for a sense of normalcy,” says Butler. “They don’t want to be singled out.” You can support a grieving teen by sticking with routines and, especially if the teen is a friend of your teenager, continuing to welcome them in your home. Just because a teen’s parent may have died, that doesn’t mean the teen wants you to stop inviting them over, Butler adds.

“So many people stop because

they don’t want to deal with that burden.”

5. Give them something to do. This can include helping to memorialize the family member or friend. For example, Butler recently worked with a group of teenagers mourning the death of a peer. “They decided to make T-shirts in his memory,” she says. “Many teens find comfort in the act of doing.”

2. Friends are important.

Adolescence is also a time when peers play a starring role, much more so than in early childhood. So it should come as no surprise that grieving teens may lean more on peers than grown-ups.

“Adults worry because this age group can seem unaffected, or they shut down and don’t want to talk,” explains Butler.

“That is okay, as long as they are using other outlets to help them and, for many teens, that will be their friends.”

6. Be honest. This is particularly important in the event of an “anticipated death,” such as a terminal illness.

“Sometimes out of a desire to protect our children, we’re not completely honest about a situation,” Butler says. “But they know something is happening, so be very honest about what is going on. If not, resentment can build up.”

3. Let grieving teens take the lead. It’s not helpful to try to direct what a grieving teenager should do, say, or feel. Rather, follow where they lead. For example, don’t force a teenager to have a conversation. “If they want to talk about it, go ahead,” advises Butler. “If they don’t, just be there.”

7. Get help if needed (or asked for). With time, most

grieving teens are able to get back to the normal routines of daily living, though you should anticipate ups and downs. “Grief is like the ocean,” notes Butler. “It ebbs and flows. One day you are okay. The next day you are not.” But some teens struggle more than others and may need additional support.

Warning signs include problems with normal activities; suicidal ideation (“I want to die, too”); self-medicating with drugs or alcohol; and frequent angry outbursts. A support group can be a helpful first step. “We don’t ever get over the death of a person; we get through it,” says Butler. “A support group allows a teenager to talk about the person they’ve lost, to know they are not alone, and to have the chance to help others by sharing their own story.” n

Compassionate Care in the Community

4. Be careful with your language. What not to say: “Things will get better,” or “Shouldn’t you be over this by now?” What you could say instead: “How are you?” or even, “Do you want to talk about it?” Again, follow the teen's lead.

Hospice of the Western Reserve provides end-of-life care, caregiver support, and bereavement services throughout Northern Ohio — and is a proud sponsor of this article on how to help a grieving teenager.

Learn more at hospicewr.org.

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COLLEGE CORNER B R O U G H T TO Y O U B Y

The Lowdown on The New SAT

By Joanna Nesbit

C

olle ge B o a r d ’s r e d e s i g n of the SAT is rolling out t h i s Ma r c h t o s t u d e n t s across the nation, and the big question on everyone’s mind is whether students—juniors, that is— should take it. Some test prep experts unequivocally say no. Lucky freshmen and sophomores have the advantage of waiting to see what their older classmates decide, but for the trailblazing juniors, here’s what we know so far, along with a few tips for deciding what to do.

What the New Test Looks Like

For starters, the new test has been reduced from three graded sections

to two—Math and Evidence-Based Reading & Writing—with an optional essay, for a top score of 1600 (the old version was 2400), with each section scored on a 200-800 scale. The overhaul aligns closely with Common Core content, just like the ACT. The idea is that the new SAT will test what students actually learn in school.

Also, students no longer will be penalized for incorrect answers, so it’s okay to guess, like on the ACT. In fact, the redesigned SAT will look a lot more similar to the ACT, which has grown hugely popular in recent years.

Reading and Writing. A major difference between the ACT and the new

SAT: the new SAT is quite a bit more reading-intensive. Gone is the difficult vocabulary section of arcane words, in what was known as the sentencecompletion section. Vocabulary is now folded into prose passages, where students derive meaning from context.

The test opens with a 65-minute section of reading, with five lengthy passages, followed by a 35-minute writing section. Students who sign up for the optional essay get 50 extra minutes for this section. In that essay, the student is required to cite examples from the text in response to questions; students can no longer rely strictly on writing skills. (Note that most competitive colleges do require the essay.)

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COLLEGE CORNER

THE NEW SAT

Math. This section includes more in-depth concepts, pulling from Algebra 2 and trigonometry (the old test barely addressed Algebra 2), and requires more reading to complete word problems. “For many students, the in-depth math will be much harder,” says Megan Dorsey, test prep expert a n d f o u n d e r o f C o l l e ge Prep Results. “Students should be finished or nearly finished with Algebra 2 in school to have a good chance of completing the math questions on the new test.” There’s a 25-minute, no-calculator section and a 55-minute section that allows a calculator.

Should You Take It?

Test prep experts advise juniors not to be guinea pigs.

“There are too many unknowns at this point,” says Matt Hawthorne, co-founder of Hawthorne Learning Solutions. Also, College Board continues to refine the test, so even with available material for practicing, students don’t know for sure what they’ ll see in March. College Board has released four complete practice tests, available on their website, and for the first time, it’s partnering with Khan Academy to offer a free SAT practice program. Still, Dorsey believes it’s not adequate prep material for the March test.

Also worth considering: The March results won’t be back in time for students to decide about taking it a second time in May. In the past, 48

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results were returned in three to four weeks, but the prediction is six to eight weeks for the March test, so Dorsey suggests the ACT for students who want to take an admissions test twice this spring.

jor fac tor, regardless of reading skill,” Dorsey says.

“Some students will do well, but I think we’re going to find those who don’t perform at their best under those conditions.” Both

“As for how to prepare, experts say the best prep is to take hard classes in school. And read.”

For freshmen and sophomores wondering which test plays to their strengths, Dorsey recommends obtaining official copies of S AT a n d A C T p r a c t i c e tests online or at their high school’s guidance counseling office and taking a full timed test of each at the kitchen table. Other than the math, the new SAT isn’t necessarily harder, but it’s structured in lengthier sections than the old version— about 90 minutes of reading and writing, followed by 90 minutes of math.

“Reading fatigue is something I see as a ma-

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tests are hard and long (the new SAT is 3 hours 50 minutes with the optional essay, while the ACT is about the same), but if a student struggles with dense reading, he or she may want to consider the ACT. As for how to prepare, experts say the best prep is to take hard classes in school. And read. “Read novels, magazines, and ne wspapers. It cements your language skills, reading comprehension, and vocabular y,” Hawthorne says. More immediately, take College Board practice tests, take advantage of

Khan Academy, and use the College Board’s “daily practice” app.

Students should anticipate colleges will continue to treat the ACT and the SAT just as they have in the past. These days, the majority of institutions accept either test — and they have no preference for one test over the other.

“We take either one,” notes Cecilia Cas tellano, vice provost for strategic enrollment planning at Bowling Green State University.

“And we do not treat them differently.”

What’s more, institutions like BGSU say they will not be evaluating the new SAT scores differently than they did the old SAT scores — with the exception of the new score scale — regardless of how smooth (or not) the rollout is for the latest version.

In general, says Castellano, students should take the test they feel more comfortable with. “It’s really personal preference,” she says, adding that students may find certain academic strengths lend themselves to one test over the other. For example, the ACT has a section on science, whereas the new SAT does not.

The bottom line: help your student be prepared for whichever test she takes.

“Prepare as well as you can,” says Castellano. “Go in with a great attitude. Get a good night’s sleep. And be sure to answer all the questions.” n

Photo: Beth Segal

TECH TALK

Take Away the Cell Phone?

Several weeks ago, I took away my son’s phone after he failed to complete a homework assignment on time.

Two days later, I texted to alert him to a change in pick-up plans and was incensed when he didn’t respond. “Why didn’t you acknowledge my texts?” I demanded when we were finally reunited.

He, of course, looked at me like I was crazy. “You took away my phone,” he said. Oh. Right. #ParentFail.

Taking away your teen’s phone can be a reflexive response to misbehavior.

After all, what do they value more than their phones? And if that’s your go-to punishment, you’re not alone. A new Pew Research Center report finds that 65 percent of parents say they have taken away their teen’s Internet privileges or cellphone as punishment.

But when today’s teens rely on their smartphones for their social life, their homework, and—let’s face it—their ability to communicate with us, is it a valid punishment? Here’s some advice on how to use this technique effectively.

SET LIMITS IN ADVANCE.

Do you feel like ripping the phone away because your teen is glued to it at family dinner or texting well past bedtime?

The time to set parameters is before the infraction, says Dr. Larry Rosen, professor emeritus and past chair of the psychology department at California State

University, Dominguez Hills and author of Rewired: Understanding the iGeneration and the Way They Learn.

Sit down together to discuss proper use of the phone, inviting your teen’s perspective as well, and create a list of phone behaviors with rewards for good behaviors and punishments for bad ones. For example, you might tell teens that if they fail to come to dinner because they are Snapchatting, they will lose the phone for an hour after dinner. And if they come right away, they can have an extra few minutes of time at night. “Don't be afraid to let your teen help with these guidelines, and make concessions to let him or her have a few wins,” he says.

MAKE THE PUNISHMENT FIT THE CRIME.

In other words, don’t arbitrarily take away the phone for an unrelated infraction, like missing curfew.

“Natural consequences make the best teachers, so it only makes sense to take it away for issues that involve the device or communication that happens on the device,” says Doreen Dodgen-Magee, a psychologist from Lake Oswego, Oregon.

Eileen Spillman doesn’t take away her 14-year-old daughter’s phone as a punishment, but she puts limits on it when the phone is causing a problem—like when her daughter is late to school because she was on social media. “I like the

By Cathie Ericson

Verizon app FamilyBase because it lets me get a picture of when and how she’s using her phone without having to totally invade her privacy,” Spillman says. “I can also remotely turn her phone off if I think she needs some limits.”

Likewise, Laura McCollough, who has three daughters, will often delete social media or game apps from the phone as discipline but still let them have the phone for other purposes.

IF YOU MUST TAKE IT AWAY, OFFER ALTERNATIVES. “In today’s world, the phone often provides a primary source of access to both social support and necessary data for school and extracurricular activities,” Dodgen-Magee says. “To simply yank it away would be like taking away the support of a bridge with nothing in its place.”

So, you might disable the social media or texting function if your teen needs to use the phone for homework. Or allow it when your teen is out and might need to reach you, but take it away at home, suggests clinical psychologist Stephanie Newman.

“If they’re part of a group study chat, you can’t allow them to fail or let down the team,” says Newman. “These days, you really have to implement this type of punishment thoughtfully.” n

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MONEY MATTERS

Raising Financially Confident Teenagers

By Jane Parent

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That makes the low financial literacy scores among U.S. teens even scarier.

The good news is that you can help your teen become more financially confident.

“We develop confidence when we can connect the dollars we have with what we want in the future,” says Anderson. “There are three ways you have money: what you earn, what you save, and what you spend.

Learning to link these concepts is how you develop confidence in the way you use your money.”

Here are some tips to help your teen develop that financial confidence: Teach your teens to save when they’re still young. “Even if it’s just a little bit at a time,” says Nancy Anderson, a senior financial planner with Key Private Bank in Salt Lake City, Utah. “Encourage her to learn to think long-term.” Help your teen begin to differentiate “between needs and wants,” adds Sherri Kitzberger, CDFP with Olympus Wealth Partners in

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Photo: Beth Segal

W

hen it comes to money management, most teens don’t feel very confident. According to a 2015 study by the Opinion Research Corporation, nearly half of teens surveyed report feeling pretty clueless about money management, while 90 percent said they don’t feel they have learned much of what they need to know.

Ev e n m o r e w o r r i s o m e is the fact that American teens don’t compare well to their peers in other countries. On a 2014 test administered by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development to teens in eighteen countries, American teens fell below half of their peers in other developed economies when it came to financial literacy.

In an economic landscape where people are living longer and dealing with financial services and systems that are more complex, today’s youth are already making more financial decisions than what was necessary thirty or forty years ago.

Beachwood, Ohio, “so she learns the concept of delayed gratification.” Tech gadgets are an easy way to start. Your teen wants a Fitbit like all her friends?

Help her work out a savings plan to achieve that goal.

Create value so teens understand what they are spending and why.

Explains Anderson: “Here’s one example I use with teens and Millennials.

Your family can eat out at Chipotle three times per week and spend $120, or you could make burritos at home and save $100 per week towards a family trip instead.” Spending purposefully helps connect money with future goals.

Give an allowance that increases with age. “For tweens and teens, having some money of your own to learn with is a critical skill,” says Anderson.

Supervise how your teen spends that

allowance: Save half, spend half. Offer to match your teen’s savings, which he can spend at a later date on something fun—like that high-end mountain bike he’s had his eye on.

For an older teen, set a monthly allowance for clothing or toiletries.

“She’ ll learn the concept of budgeting, of deciding what is a need versus a want, and the importance of not buying something just because it’s on sale,” says Anderson. “This will give her some control over spending and also allow her to make some mistakes and skin her knees while the stakes are relatively low.”

When you dole out the allowance, review the previous month. What worked and what didn’t? If your teenager ran out of money, discuss what to do differently next month. Practice how he can handle situations where he is out

of money and still wants to make plans.

Help him practice by thinking of some alternatives so he is comfortable having this conversation with his friends: “Guys, I’m out of money until next week.

Let’s see a movie at my house instead.”

In this way, he can learn to prioritize his spending and develop the confidence to handle these situations in his adult life.

Lastly, encourage your teens to negotiate so they learn to self-advocate.

Tell her to ask for $10.50 an hour for babysitting instead of $10. Encourage him to sell his used sports equipment on eBay or Craigslist and negotiate for the most money. “A college graduate who is offered $30,000 but negotiates for $35,000 will earn a half million dollars more over her earning lifetime,” says Anderson. “Over time, it really adds up.” n

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TWEEN TALK

Hey Kid, Relax (Really)

By Dr. Deborah Gilboa

“But I have so much to do!”

Deadlines, assignments, chores, commitments, family obligations—tweens can end up on a merry-go-round of stress that spins out of control. Often, it’s parents that put the stress on kids. But sometimes, kids put the stress on themselves.

So how do you convince a child who wants to do well that maybe he should learn to relax a little?

Take, for instance, an 11-year-old who comes to me, a family doctor, with complaints of a stomach ache, insomnia, and irritability. Usually, I wonder, "What have your parents done to you?" In this case, however, the child is the source of his own stress. Driven to get all A's; committed to showing up early for play practice, with all his lines memorized; focused on reaching Regionals for the Science Fair; determined to complete assignments the minute they're assigned. He created all these pressures.

How do I know? I'm the parent. If anything, we pressure this particular kiddo to do less.

We've always been surprised by my son’s internal motivation. To be honest, a middle school boy who doesn’t need a single reminder to do his homework is a huge relief. Our line about grades is: “If your teacher says you're trying, we're not looking at the grade. You're only in trouble if the comments note your lack of effort or learning. Better a C that you work for than an A that you don't."

But we've watched him raise his own standards higher each year. This trend didn’t make much of an impression on me until Parent-Teacher Conferences this past fall.

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"To be honest," his social studies teacher said, "If he didn't like school so much, I'd be really worried about the pressure he puts on himself."

The pressure. The insomnia, irritability, and self-directed frustration. That's just as potentially damaging as any lackadaisical attitude and poor work habits might be.

So how to address this? The first thing I've learned working with families is this: Never tell anyone how to feel. First of all, it's useless ("Don't worry Mom!").

Secondly, it's disrespectful. Telling someone that their feelings are ridiculous—no matter how you say it—never starts a productive conversation.

My son and I want the same thing: We both want him to achieve what he desires while feeling good about himself and the process. So our conversations focus around those goals. Here are some principles we’ve found useful.

PP Saying yes to something means saying no to something else. Agreeing to be in the school play, help with the afterschool chess club, and be on the soccer team means saying no to many opportunities, like playing Legos with your brothers, catching a movie with mom, or lunch with Grandpa. If you've over-committed, speak up. And understand that since you're only 11, we may say no to something for you.

PP Downtime matters. Leaving time to play, laugh, relax, and exercise makes you better at everything you do. Like sleep, these activities will make you sharper for tests, keep you more connected on your

team, and help you memorize your lines.

Self-care is a lifelong skill, and we're going to insist you learn it.

PP Sleep helps. Want to bring your A game? Doesn't matter what you're going to do—sleep helps. So nine hours of rack time are the rule, and you need special dispensation (rarely given) to decrease that number.

PP Communication moves deadlines.

Most teachers (and coaches and bosses) will be flexible when you're respectful and transparent about what you have done, can do, and will do. Ask! PP It's OK to disappoint others at times. You will have a few teachers that do not care what is going on in your middle-school-life. Their homework is sacrosanct. To them. It doesn't always have to be so for you.

I work with college students all over the country. I have to tell you, these are life truths that many of them have never considered when they land in the pressurecooker of higher education. So if you, like me, have a tween who is creating the pressure-cooker, seize the moment. Get your tween practicing the skills to keep things in perspective and find joy in life. n Dr. Deborah Gilboa, parenting contributor for "The Today Show," is a family physician and author of Get the Behavior You Want …Without Being the Parent You Hate. For more advice from Dr. G or to ask a specific question, visit her website at askdoctorg.com or tweet @AskDocG.

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HOT TOPICS

Author Neal Pollack Talks About Raising a Son Neal Pollack is both a writer and the father of a 13-year-old son, but he doesn’t think those two things have to be related at all.

Sure, he writes about parenting every now and then, including in his bestselling novel Alternadad, but Pollack says he isn’t defined by being parent. We spoke to Pollack about how he balances career and family—he’s published 10 books (Keep Mars Weird is his latest) and is also a busy journalist—while trying to stay as “chill” as possible.

Do you and your wife ever disagree about parenting methods?

My wife and I are a very united front when it comes to parenting. We rarely disagree about anything. Occasionally, if I get frustrated with the school curriculum and I think about homeschooling she will say no way, but that’s about as far as it goes with disagreeing.

What’s it like working from home?

I have a very flexible schedule. I try and write a few hours a day, but sometimes I do it in the morning, sometimes it’s in the afternoon, and sometimes it’s at night. One of the nice things about having a teenager, unlike when you have a little kid, you’re not quite as molded to their schedule; they can pretty much take care of themselves. You may have to drive them somewhere, help with homework, or what not, but you’re not as beholden to their hourly whims.

What does a typical Sunday look like for your family?

We all sleep as late as possible. Our house is like a dorm sometimes because 54

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my wife is a teacher so she doesn’t work during the summer. No one gets up before ten. Our Sundays are very lazy; we might go for a hike, or go grab something to eat. But, usually we all just chill out around the house and do our own thing. It’s not super dramatic.

Your son is still happy to spend time with you and your wife?

Within reason. Mostly he’s in his own space talking to his friends on Skype, or playing video games online. He’s not hanging with us all the time, but we’ll spend a few hours of the day together.

Do you enforce any restrictions with video games?

Nope. We don’t put any restrictions on anything, no parental controls, no nothing. It seems to be working out.

I was a little surprised when one day he came out of his room and told me he had been streaming “The Walking Dead” on Netflix, but it didn’t seem to do any lasting harm to his psyche. He gets good grades in school, he doesn’t have nightmares. I never had any me-

dia restrictions when I was a kid, and I turned out okay, so I just kind of followed with that.

You and your wife are on the same page on that?

Yes, absolutely. It’s just not worth it, and I feel like it’s a waste of energy to be putting restrictions on things. And in terms of putting restrictions on computer time or video games, if I felt like it was harming him I would, but all his friends are online all the time, and he doesn’t spend all his time on there.

He’s very well informed about current events, it’s not like he’s playing first person shooters all the time. And he still reads books, and he likes running and playing sports. He’s pretty well rounded to me.

It seems like you’re not a big worrier as a parent...

Only to some extent. But, I try not to worry too much. I trust him, for the most part. His friends have always been nice kids; he’s never gotten into a lot of trouble. If I had a kid who was

more reckless I might worry more, but he just doesn’t give me any reason to worry. My wife worries a little more than I do, but she’s still pretty chill.

As your son enters the teen years, is there one thing that you’re nervous about?

Driving. Because you know the roads are crowded, people are careless. It’s dangerous. Interestingly enough, he doesn’t really want to drive. We’re going to teach him how to drive, at least at a high level of skill. I want him to learn now because it’s a life skill in case the apocalypse comes. You want him to be able to escape from a city. But in terms of daily use, it’s expensive and stressful and wasteful, so I’d rather give him an amount of money in an Uber account or something.

OH_2015_YT_half 2_Layout 1 11/20/15 3:25 PM

Are you concerned at all about high school drinking?

No because they are high school students. And unlike being a two year old, I can remember being a teenager, and you just have to be smart about it. So just put a little money into a car sharing service and just say, “When you want to go somewhere, take an Uber.” It’s ten bucks I would be happy to spend every Saturday. I have to make sure that my son gets home alive.

Has there been anything that’s surprised you as your son becomes a teen?

I feel like I was better prepared for having a1 teenager than I was for having a Page

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toddler, or infant, or even just a regular kid. I have a lot of cultural interests in common with my son, and it all kind of makes decent sense to me. It’s hard to believe that I’ve gotten to this point without making too many failing mistakes. But, talk to me in two years, and I could be singing a different tune. I’m actually strangely enjoying being a parent of a teenager.

Has having a teenager impacted your writing at all?

Well I write about parenting more than I ever would. But, other than that no. I don’t think you need to change who you are just because you’ve become a parent. Most people become parents. Why should there be some sort of dad voice?

I’m still interested in the same stuff I was before I had a kid. n

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SMALL STUFF

How to Say “No!” and Mean It

By Rebecca Meiser

L

ast winter, Tracy Jenkins begged her mother, Patty, for a new pair of Sorel winter boots. They were expensive, but Patty found a pair on sale and brought them home for her daughter, who was very excited to have them … for about three months.

This year, Patty bought a pair of winter boots for herself. When she put them on, her daughter declared them “way cuter” than her own boots, and asked: “Can I have them?”

“No,” Patty said—a response that did not sit very well with Tracy. For several days now, Patty has listened to her daughter beg, cajole, and bargain for possession of the boots, and she can slowly feel herself capitulating.

“By March, they most likely will be hers,” Patty acknowledges with a sigh.

This sort of scene repeats itself in thousands of houses every day. Often when teenagers get an answer they don’t like — NO — they will ask again and again and again. And in the process, they can wear down their parents’ resolve and end up getting what they want.

“As a parent of three, I know that life is often crazy and stressful, and the last thing you want to do is make more waves for yourself,” says Dr. Jerry Weichman, an adolescent psychologist at the Hoag Neurosciences Institute in 56

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Newport Beach, California and author of the teen survival guide, How to Deal.

“But many parents fall into this pitfall of choosing the short-term gain of giving their kids what they want over the longterm consequences of the behavior repeating itself. I try to work with parents on understanding how detrimental this can be in the long run.”

In the short term, it may not seem harmful to gift your child a pair of boots (At least her feet will be warm! And she’ ll stop bothering me!), but constantly giving in to teenagers—without them providing ample reasoning for their requests—does not prepare them for life. It’s important for teens to understand early on that they can’t always get what they want—and that their parents’ words have teeth, says Dr. Jennifer Powell-Lunder, a clinical psychologist in Westchester County, New York.

“If you want a job and you don’t get it, are you going to call up the employer every single day and badger them to change their mind? They’re going to turn around and call the police,” says Powell-Lunder.

Staying strong is no easy task, though— and your teenagers know this. “Kids are extremely smart—they’ve got a spinning hard drive in their brain that sees where the loopholes are,” says Weichman.

Patience helps in these situations.

“The good thing is that behavior is very, very predictable,” Powell-Lunder explains. “It kind of works like a mountain. Once you hit the peak, it comes down. So if you can sit through the ‘no, no, no’s, the relentless badgering eventually goes away.”

And the more you practice standing firm, the shorter the tirades will be. “They will see that you mean business and that no is always no,” PowellLunder explains.

That said, it is important that “No” does not simply become your default response to every request. If you are on the fence about a decision—or if your teen is particularly persistant about a certain topic—a good response is to say, “Convince me,” Weichman says. The process helps teenagers sharpen their negotiating skills and begin to understand what sorts of arguments hold sway. Your answer still might be no—in which case, Weichman says, you really need to explain your reasoning to them. But “it gives them information to chew on.”

In the end, thwese negotiations are often really conversations about power and control. “Either you are going to train your kids, or your kids are going to train you,” Weichman says. “It’s an everyday battle.” n

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57

SNAPSHOT

My Parenting Tool:

Keeping Busy Until My Daughter Wants to Talk

By Jocelyn Pihlaja

S

he’s doing her nightly thing: listening to music, checking Instagram, chipping away at homework. When a favorite song comes on, the volume goes up.

When a new text comes in, her fingers tap. When a page of Spanish is memorized, I hear it flip.

I’m standing eight feet away, folding laundry. She has no idea I’m engaging in one of my most-successful strategies for parenting a teenager. From where she sits, I’m pairing socks, folding sheets, making stacks of shirts. From where I stand, I’m conveniently nearby in case my 14-year-old cares to share.

Fourteen is not an age that responds well to direct questions. If I ask, “So how was your day? Anything up in your world?” she’s apt to stare silently at me for a beat and then bend her head over her backpack and start rustling around, in search of an important pencil. If she’s in a chatty mood, she might allow, “What 58

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would be up in my world? I’m 14. I went to school. Now I’m home.”

Her terse answers let me appreciate that the girl who was once labeled a “nobullshit baby,” the toddler whose steady gaze withered cajoling adults into silence, is growing up true to self. Even more, her unwillingness to let conversations with her parents become interviews is, in its I-Will-Shut-You-Down fashion, somehow charming. Indeed, while teenagers may strike adults as close-lipped or stubbornly removed, there’s another way to view it. If I flip the dynamic and consider being greeted at the door with “How was your day? Anything new happen? Learn anything interesting? What’s up with your friends? Are you hungry?

Do you have anything due tomorrow?”– the whole scenario makes me screamy because FOR THE LOVE OF BIEBER, A LITTLE SPACE, PLEASE. Teenagers are cats, not dogs. I get that.

Thus, my laundry-folding strategy is

feline. I’m not in the room because of her.

I don’t need to look at or talk to her. I’m just there, doing my thing. I can take or leave her.

Naturally, my indifference is attractive. Like a prickly Siamese, she crawls— figuratively—into my lap, kneading her paws and claws into my thigh before settling in. I keep my back to her, and she offers, “I love this new song,” turning it up.

Still not looking at her, I ask, “Is it off a new album?” She tells me about tour dates and opening acts. On the heels of that, she tells me how her friend Amy stumbled across a really great cover of this one awesome song on YouTube.

“Can I hear it?” I dare.

Nothing would give her more pleasure, in fact. While the cover of the really awesome song plays, she tells me something corny her geometry teacher said. Still not looking at her, still folding clothes, I do not ask a question; instead I note, “I really liked Mrs. Peterson when we went to the open house at the start of the school year.

She seemed like someone I would have enjoyed as an English teacher–in touch, in love with books, down-to-earth…”

And with that, my kitten becomes a puppy. The light inside her flips on, and she bounces in her chair. “Oh my God, that reminds me of something that happened in English! It was so funny!”

Now that she’s in dog mode, I can pet her. Turning, looking at her, I give her my full attention and demand, “Do tell.”

Sitting with one foot tucked under her, spinning around in the desk chair, she recaps, “When we were reading Romeo and Juliet out loud today, there was this moment at the ball when a couple of the characters announced they were going off into another room to have some drinks.

After we read that part, a boy in my class goes, ‘My mom calls that book group.’”

I hoot. She giggles. We repeat her classmate’s line and agree: that’s hilarious.

Apparently, Mrs. Peterson thought so, too. After snorting with laughter, she told the wise-cracking student, “I don’t know your mom, but I think I like her.”

And then. My teenager, who sometimes can’t be bothered to say “Fine” when asked about her day, makes mine.

She tells me, “When he said that about his mom, I immediately thought of you, too. In a good way.”

Great Care That Will Make You Smile!

Flattered to have been a thought in my 14-year-old’s mind, I acknowledge, “I sure do love to go into a room with friends and have some drinks.”

“I know. I mean, you’re not a crazy lady who has to drink all the time, but you’re a lady who is crazy for her drinks.”

With that subtle, accurate parsing of her mother’s controlled but passionate love of a cocktail, my girl confirms it: between her observational skills and her ability to make connections, she’d make one hell of an English major.

Actually, she’d make one hell of an anything.

Even though she’s currently in the feline teenage years, all of her everything is there, inside her, ripening. Sometimes I know what’s in there. Many days, I don’t.

However, no matter how much or little she feels like sharing, one thing is certain: tumbling around with her music and her friends and her skiing and her running and her homework and her classmates and her love of travel and her passion for chocolate, I am there too.

And being there is one of the greatest honors of my life. n

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Jocelyn Pihlaja is a community college English instructor in Northern Minnesota who loves teenagers and wine in equal measure. You can read more of her work at omightycrisis.com and follow her on Twitter @ Jocelyn41parent of five imperfect kids. Visit her at www.klromo.com.

Dr. Shira Tor

Diplomate, American Board of Orthodontics

www.weissortho.net

Orange Village 216.292.6340

Middleburg Hts. 440.885.1980

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& Your Teen 1/4 page.indd 1

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12/4/15 9:43 AM

YOUR TEEN

|

MARCH-APRIL 2016

59

ALL ABOUT ME Must it always be about them?

All About Me is a chance to talk about something other than your teen—finally.

.... hello?

.... ?? ?????!!!!

No First Responders in My House

....

By Stephanie Schaeffer Silverman

S

ince the kids were born, I’ve always wondered, “What is this kid going to be when he grows up?”

There’s my kid who genuinely likes being around people and enjoys playing the “big brother.” I picture him as a camp director, pediatric psychologist, maybe even an admissions counselor.

The next kid, who doesn’t like people, loves math and is a puzzler. I see him as an engineer, a startup guy. Then there’s the third—loves animals, making people feel better. She could be a veterinarian, or the director of a nonprofit serving families in need.

Like every parent, I believe they can do anything.

Except one thing.

None of them will be first-responders—because they’re just not great about responding.

Not only that, in fact, I’m guessing not one kid in their generation will be a first responder. I’m not positive, but I think that by definition, you would have to be … responsive.

Here’s how it goes with them: Kid one sends a text: Plan tonight?

My response: Dinner. Clean up dinner. (...typing) His response: Ha. Do I need to be home?

My response: Only if you want dinner. (...typing) His response: Kk 60

YOUR TEEN

| MARCH-APRIL 2016

My response: Do you have plans? (...no typing) His response: His response: His response: As one of my friend jokes, did he throw his phone in the toilet? Was he abducted? Stroke at such a young age?

Kid number two sends a text: Hey. What’s the plan for Friday? (This kid is a planner.)

My response: Dinner. Family movie. (...typing) His response: Is it okay if a friend comes over?

My response: Sure. (...typing) His response: We may do our own thing for dinner.

My response: Seems silly. I have food. Why spend $ (...no typing) His response: His response: His response: Is it me? Did I say the wrong thing?

Some would argue, how great that I get to have the last word. Not so much.

For amusement, I looked up the definition of first responder. Here’s what I found: “It is important that they have access to reliable, interoperable communications.”

Does that mean 24-hour access to a handheld computer that receives and sends communication across the world? Check. Whenever they want?

Check. To whomever they want?

Check.

But it doesn’t work if they don’t use it. I am horrified thinking about my kid, the EMT, taking a pulse-ox, getting the patient on the gurney, and then... just walking away.

I can’t help but think about the book I used to read to them when they were little: Click Clack Moo, Cows that Type. Farmer Brown’s cows find an old typewriter in the barn. All day he hears them typing (sound familiar?) and they send him letters, listing various demands (the similarity is uncanny).

The similarity wanes though as these fictitious characters keep responding.

They don’t just disappear out of nowhere. These fictitious characters had better communication skills than my non-hoofed, iPhone carrying human beings, whom presumably have higher IQs. The cows even used punctuation, and spelled out the word Y-O-U. So, as I think about the aging Babyboomers, and my generation not far behind, I hope and pray that my startup son can create an app for emergencies (HELPI’ VEFALLEN) and that his charming brother can build a team to sell it to prospective clients and his soulful sister can raise the funds for it.

It’s the only hope we’ve got. n

APRIL 16 is National Healthcare Decisions Day

Only you should make your healthcare decisions.

Advance Care Planning empowers you to make

your healthcare choices known should you become unable to speak for yourself. By making these choices now, you remain in control. You give your loved ones the gift of peace of mind.

Hospice of the Western Reserve offers a free guide that provides useful tips and worksheets, plus all the legal documents required by the State of Ohio. There is no wrong way to begin and no better time than now. Visit

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