2016 Prom Survival Guide

for parents

PROM SURVIVAL GUIDE

Your Teen Media provides parenting advice for parents of teenagers.

To order a subscription of the quarterly print magazine,go to www.yourteenmag.com.

For more information, contact editor@yourteenmag.com.

TEENAGE DRINKING IN MY HOME

QUESTION: I think my teenager and his friends are planning to drink after Prom.

Should I just take their keys and let them drink at my house?

ANSWER:

If teenagers want to drink alcohol, they will find a way. Our job as parents is twofold: 1) delay the first drink for as long as possible, and 2) never make it easier for them.

Allowing teenagers to drink alcohol in your home, in addition to being illegal, is no guarantee of increased safety. Parents who take the keys mistakenly believe that they are preventing driving while intoxicated. There are plenty of situations where kids sneak out of the house and still drive.

When teens drink in a home where the parents don’t care or don’t monitor, the teens behave with the same sense of freedom they feel when parents are not home. Simply being present in the same house does not prevent drinking. Parents must monitor. In fact, there are reports of teens who have required emergency room visits, even when parents were home.

for parents

Another concern, beyond alcohol, is that parents may not know what happened before the kids arrived at their house.

There may have been other substance use, like prescription drugs. The combination of drugs and alcohol could be extremely dangerous.

Yes, kids will experiment. However, when parents set parameters and don’t enable, teens are more inclined to limit how much they drink. They will be less likely to overdo it because they know their parents will be monitoring them with checking and a “sniff down” when they get home. Many teenagers will experiment, but knowing that their parents disapprove will typically temper their risky behavior.

– Russ Goodwin Licensed Independent Chemical Dependency Counselor at Impact Solutions

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Your Teen Media provides parenting advice for parents of teenagers. To order a subscription of the quarterly print magazine,go to www.yourteenmag.com.

For more information, contact editor@yourteenmag.com.

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SAFETY ADVICE

FROM A POLICE CAPTAIN Be prepared for this scenario: Your teenager comes home from school and says that everyone is going to “John’s” house after Prom. You ask if his parents will be home. Your son responds with an annoyed yes. “Don’t be afraid to make that important phone call,” advises Chief Chris Viland of the Solon Police Department in Solon, Ohio.

“The necessary phone call that says, ‘Hi, my name is Joe Smith and my daughter says that kids are coming to your house tonight. I just want to be sure you will be there.’” On the other hand, don’tbe offended to receive this type of call.

This communication needs to happen,” states Viland. “Parents need to be honest with each other. Supervision and proper chaperoning are crucial for the safety of our kids, especially on nights such as Prom. Even good kids make bad decisions.”

Police Departments face another big problem on Prom night – parents who enable underage drinking. There is a belief that teenagers are going to drink alcohol no matter what,so it would be safer for them to drink in a controlled environment like my basement. “This is not the way to go,” emphasizes Chief Viland. “Underage drinking is against the law,” he reminds us. Parents can be held both criminally and civilly liable if underage drinking occurs in their home.

There is the affiliated moral issue, as well: “Who are you to usurp my parental decision and determine that it is okay for my child to drink?” As adults, we cannot continue to send these mixed messages to our kids.

TOP 10

COVERS FOR A NIGHT OF DRINKING The most common excuses or covers that our teens employ to hide alcohol use.

1. Ask to sleep out 2. Get picked up to go out instead of driving 3. Carry around a water bottle (might be vodka) 4. Drinking grape soda (when mixed, disguises all smells) 5. Fill up family liquor bottles with water so it looks like none is gone 6. Use mints or gum to disguise the smell 7. Say they have the “flu” the next day 8. Take heavy-looking purses/backpacks/ duffels to a party 9. Empty cans of Red Bull (they drink the Red Bull and then substitute alcohol) 10. Find “spots” on ping pong table from beer pong

for parents

yourteenmag.com

Your Teen Media provides parenting advice for parents of teenagers. To order a subscription of the quarterly print magazine,go to www.yourteenmag.com.

For more information, contact editor@yourteenmag.com.

PARENTS’ BIGGEST CONCERNS:

Alcohol, Sex, Costs, and Curfews

by Christina Suttles

For many teenagers, senior prom is one of the most memorable experiences high school offers. But for parents, the event can also raise questions and concerns.

Your Teen asked a panel of experts to tackle the most common.

How can I handle the cost?

There’s no reason not to set a budget.

Start by discussing what your teenager believes is reasonable and most essential, recommends Lisa Bahar, a licensed marriage and family therapist from Dana Point, California. Then ask your teenager to come up with a budget that includes attire, tickets, dinner and anything else they believe is important. Have your teenager shop around and pitch why he or she believes those choices are ideal, then come to an agreement. If your teenager wants to spend more, then he or she should handle those costs. This is also a valuable lesson in money management, notes Bahar.

Should I impose a curfew?

Curfew concerns are another topic of discussion worth addressing. Most experts suggest letting this become a larger lesson in trust and reliability. How will your son or daughter behave when he or she leaves home in a few months? “If the parent and teen can negotiate and agree on a reasonable curfew, this gives the teen practice in good decision-making,” says Lisa Greenberg, a licensed psychologist from Madison, New Jersey. “Many teens are also much more likely to respect agreements they have been part of making, than ones imposed by someone else.”

Bahar has a somewhat different take.

Allow your teenager to express what he or she thinks is a reasonable curfew, she says, and follow your level of comfort accordingly.

She also suggests checking in with other parents to get a feel for what the general standard is in your community.

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I’m worried my teenager views sex as part of prom night?

For parents concerned about their teenager participating in risky behavior, Bahar again stresses conversation. Ask your teenager how he or she feels about these subjects, then offer the information you think is vital to their safety. For example, while you don’t have to condone after-prom sex, by now your teenager should know the risks of unprotected sex. Teenagers will ultimately make decisions about whether or not to have sex on their own, so it’s your job to make sure they’re prepared.

What about alcohol?

Many schools now have alcohol-free after prom events. However, if you are worried that no matter what you say, your teenager and his or her friends will be drinking, then pitching in for a limo or organizing a carpool to ensure there will be no driving under the influence may make sense, says Marcy Michaels, a clinical psychologist in Hartford, Connecticut. Teenagers often make decisions regardless of their parents’ advice, so it’s best to play it safe. “Unfortunately, drinking is sometimes an inevitable reality of prom. Kids feel like celebrating, so make sure you provide enough resources for them to arrive at their destination safely.” Whether it’s prom or just a regular weekend, make

sure your teenager understands they can always call you for a no-questions asked ride home. If that call comes, stick to the agreement, then talk about what happened in the next day or so.

Should I be concerned my teenager isn’t going to prom?

For the teenager who doesn’t want to go to prom, don’t push it, Michaels says. There are dozens of reasons a teenager would choose to skip the dance. If you’re worried, ask your teenager why he or she is opting out. If the reason is along the lines of ‘I don’t have a date,’ give your teenager alternatives, such as attending with a group of friends.

For teenagers who feel as if they don’t fit in, Michaels suggests offering alternatives, such as an outing or volunteering to throw an “anti-prom,” which is basically a get together for teenagers not interested in attending the formal occasion. Finally, don’t assume your teenager will regret having missed out on prom. Some simply don’t feel prom is for them, and that’s okay, Michaels says, adding “Introverted, highly-intelligent, successful students sometimes are not interested in prom activities, many times to avoid the peer pressure, or because they simply don’t find it fun.”

Christina Suttles is a student at Kent State University and an intern for Your Teen.

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Your Teen Media provides parenting advice for parents of teenagers. To order a subscription of the quarterly print magazine,go to www.yourteenmag.com.

For more information, contact editor@yourteenmag.com.

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ARE CO-ED SLEEPOVERS OK? Our “YT Virtual Family” discussion...

MOM: Prom is in the air. With all the excitement come some challenging parenting questions. The question that shocked me was, “Can I go to a co-ed sleepover?”

I guess there are many parents who are comfortable with coed sleepovers. In my search for the right response, I heard parents say, “It’s no big deal. Everybody does it.” Well, I don’t accept the “everybody is doing it” excuse from my kids, so I certainly don’t pay attention to that opinion from other parents. Simply put, I do not approve of co-ed sleepovers.

I know that everyone at a co-ed sleepover is not having sex, but I also know it’s hard to resist temptation and it’s hard to stand up to peer pressure. So why put yourself in a difficult situation?

HIGH SCHOOL SON: I don’t give them much thought. However, I do see how it can end in disaster, specifically in situations where heavy drinking is combined with co-ed sleeping conditions. (I think the possible result is pretty obvious.) But, considering the fact that co-ed sleepovers are legal, it’s hard to forbid it.

I guess you can put your foot down and say, “You still live under our roof, therefore, you will abide by our rules.” There will be discontent, but if the parents worry that their kid will be too tempted to abuse their responsibilities, then it’s probably the right thing to do.

One compromise could be separate rooms for boys and girls. It’s a risk either way, and parents need to make a choice based on the way they believe their kid will behave.

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COLLEGE DAUGHTER: I think there is nothing wrong with co-ed sleepovers. I went to several during my years in high school, mostly during my junior and senior years and there was no alcohol and no sex.

If there is a responsible adult present who knows the kids, then I think co-ed sleepovers can be as harmless as same sex ones. I remember my senior year after prom, we all stayed at my friend’s house outside in a tent and her parents were very clear that we were not to leave or run off to the cars or in the woods and that they would be checking to make sure.

When it comes down to it, if your kid is into drinking or having sex, then they are going to find a way to do it. So if you trust your kid and you like their friends and you know the parent who is hosting the party, I think that co-ed sleepovers are a perfectly fun and safe way to celebrate the Prom weekend.

MIDDLE SCHOOL SON:

DAD:

I think co-ed sleepovers are things that many parents over-think, or over-dramatize. Yes, parents are going to worry about sex and worry about alcohol, but I don’t think that’s the main purpose of co-ed sleepovers. I mean, think about it, with twenty high school students in a basement all night right after Prom, do you think there will really be that much sleeping at all? Most likely, all the kids will be up the entire night just having a good time, not in each other’s sleeping bags or off in a back room having sex.

This is a tough one. I trust you guys, and I agree with you. At this point, we’ve either helped you learn the proper values in life, or it’s simply too late. On the other hand, even when you know something is wrong, it’s hard to resist peer pressure.

For me, the bottom line is that it depends on your age. If you are a senior with college looming, I know that very soon we’ll have no control.

But if you are younger, then my answer would be, “No.”

“It’s no big deal.

Everybody does it.”

“You live under our roof, therefore you will abide by our rules.”

“It’s hard to resist peer pressure.”

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Your Teen Media provides parenting advice for parents of teenagers. To order a subscription of the quarterly print magazine,go to www.yourteenmag.com.

For more information, contact editor@yourteenmag.com.

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TIPS FROM

TALK

TEENS

Your Teen went directly to the source and asked teenagers to tell parents what we should really worry about when it comes to Prom. As always, their answers are insightful.

Getting in trouble with the school administration In my school, getting caught smoking, drinking, grinding, etc. earned you a meeting with the headmaster the following Monday.

TO YOUR KIDS

ABOUT SEX After-parties The fun continues after the dance with more drinking, weed and other assorted party activities.

Responsibility for your date In my single sex school, if our dates were caught doing anything wrong, we were held accountable for bringing that person into the school environment. We were responsible for their inappropriate behavior.

The Date

Pre-gaming Despite the fact that some schools do have breathalyzers at the door, a lot of kids will drink and smoke pot beforehand.

Grinding This style of dance is a constant presence at school dances. Parents of girls should be aware that there are always stories going around about the most outrageous dancers after prom (“Did you see so-and-so? She was horizontal all night.”)

Parents should worry about who their teen is going with because you want your child to be safe and the wrong date could put your teen in danger.

Having a horrible time Everyone looks forward to Prom but the reality is that school dances often suck.

for parents

When it comes to sex education, parents should be the primary educators. If you are not discussing sex with your teens, then they will learn from someone else.

Have the conversation with your teen and be clear about your family values and your expectations.

Sex is a reality when it comes to high school kids. So as parents, you should share your beliefs about sex and also teach them how to protect themselves.

This is no time to assume that YOUR kid isn’t having sex. Sure, not all are, but better safe than sorry.

If you are embarrassed by the topic or uncomfortable with the conversation, you can admit this to your teen. You can even say, “This makes me so uncomfortable, but it’s so important that I will do it anyway,” or “Just letting you know, I will probably say the wrong thing, but I have good intentions.”

Learn more @ yourteenmag.com

yourteenmag.com

Your Teen Media provides parenting advice for parents of teenagers. To order a subscription of the quarterly print magazine,go to www.yourteenmag.com.

For more information, contact editor@yourteenmag.com.

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