Bigger Kids. Bigger Fun.
Get Ready for
Summer!
5
tips to make everyone in your family happy
Live Streaming: What Parents Need to Know How to Help The Secret to Raising
When Your Teen Gets Ditched by Friends
Confident Teens How to get your kids to do
CHORES
Money Matters: 7 Hidden Fees that are Easy to Avoid VOL. 8 ISSUE 5 MAY-JUNE 2016 $ 3.95
yourteenmag.com
CONTENTS UP FRONT:
DEPARTMENTS:
8
40 Crossroads
Bulletin Board
54
Wilderness Programs
8 #ParentHack 9 Stats 10 What Apps Do You Use Most? 10 Trending Apps
43 Ask the Doctor
When Your Teen Gets Ditched by a Friend
47 College Corner
58 Snapshot
Pay for Admissions Advice?
Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and Graduation
You are Never Truly Unsupervised!
49 Tech Talk
16 In a Minute
60 All About Me
Live Streaming
16 Distracted Driving 17 Easing Exam Stress 19 America’s Test Kitchen’s Vegetable Lasagna
Meet Julie Silver and Mary Connelly
56 Small Stuff
How to Keep that Smile Beautiful
12 Gift Guides
Hot Topics
Now Who’s Being Embarrassing?
51 Money Matters
7 Hidden Fees to Help Your Teen Avoid
53 Tween Talk
18 Move Out Skills
p.
How to Get Your Kids to Do Chores
What to Do When You Lose …
12
20 In the Spotlight
The Secret to Raising Confident Teens
22 Book Review
The Magician’s Assistant by Ann Patchett
24 Perspectives
When a Parent is Incarcerated
p.
18
p.
19
FEATURE: ON THE COVER Shot on location at East Coast Custard in Lyndhurst, Ohio. East Coast Custard offers delicious, home-made frozen custard at five Cleveland-area locations (Lyndhurst, Mentor, Painesville, Parma Heights, and Fairview Park). Yum. COVER PHOTO : BETH SEGAL
30 Get Ready for Summer!
5 Ideas for Making Everyone in Your Family Happy
33 34
Tips for Landing a Summer Job
36
Teen Speak: What I Learned from My Boring Job
Drugs, Alcohol, and Summer: What Parents Need to Know
YOUR TEEN
| MAY-JUNE 2016
1
May-June 2016 Volume 8, Issue 5
PUBLISHER & CHIEF REVENUE OFFICER
ATTENTION HIGH SCHOOL JUNIORS & SENIORS
Stephanie Silverman PUBLISHER &
June 16 9am – 5pm
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Susan R. Borison EDITORIAL EDITORIAL MANAGER
Diana Simeon COPY EDITOR
Laura Putre PROOFREADER
Jessica Semel
SALES
Holly Braschwitz, Lisa Golovan, Shari Silk
CREATIVE CREATIVE DIRECTOR
Meredith Pangrace PHOTOGRAPHER
Beth Segal
WEB CONTENT WEB CONTENT EDITOR
Mindy Gallagher IT SPECIALIST
Learn how your unique abilities, passions and interests can guide your plans for a future career. Discover the important role college will play in making you ready for a successful transition from high school to career. Learn how to choose the college that fits you best and how to stand out from the other candidates. You owe it to yourself to get the very most out of your college experience and be prepared for your life ahead.
Hunter Chisolm
CIRCULATION CIRCULATION SPECIALIST
Eca Taylor
THIS ISSUE CONTRIBUTING WRITERS
Gabriela Alvarez, Valerie Axtle, Leslie Blanchard, Audrey Mann Cronin, Cathie Ericson, Michelle Icard, Xitlally J. Lupian, Rebecca Meiser, Charles Parent, Jane Parent, Amy Paturel, Rebecca Shlafer, Julia Ward, Lesley Ward
More content online at yourteenmag.com
A DV I S O RY B OA R D Elise Ellick
Teen Counselor in the Division of Adolescent Medicine, Department of Pediatrics at MetroHealth.
Lauren Rich Fine
Executive Search Consultant at Howard & O’Brien Associates.
Marcia Hales
Business Manager with One Wish, LLC.
Amanda Weiss Kelly, MD
University Hospitals, Rainbow Babies & Children’s Hospital Pediatrician, Director, Pediatric Sports Medicine.
Julian Peskin, MD Cleveland Clinic staff member, Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology.
Sylvia Rimm, PhD
Psychologist, Director of Family Achievement Clinic, Clinical Professor, Case Western Reserve School of Medicine.
Michael Ritter, CPA
Retired Partner, Ernst & Young LLP.
Ellen Rome, MD, MPH
Pediatrician, Head, Section of Adolescent Medicine at Cleveland Clinic.
Chris Seper
Founder, MedCity Media and Publisher, MedCityNews.com.
Amy Speidel
Certified Parent Coach at Senders Parenting Center.
Sonni Kwon Senkfor, MBA
Independent Consultant. Facilitator with The WIT Group and MAC Consulting.
Judy Stenta, MSW
Retired Project Director, SAY, a program of Bellefaire JCB.
Steven Wexberg, MD Staff Pediatrician, Cleveland Clinic Foundation.
Lucene Wisniewski, PhD, FAED Clinical Director and co-founder of the Cleveland Center for Eating Disorders.
Lee Zapis
President of Zapis Capital Group.
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@YourTeenMag
Your Teen, Vol 8, Issue 5, May-June 2016 is a publication of Your Teen, Inc., a bi-monthly publication, $3.95. Bellefaire JCB, 22001 Fairmount Blvd., Shaker Heights, Ohio 44118.
4545 College Road, South Euclid, Ohio 44121 / NotreDameCollege.edu 877-NDC-OHIO
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YOUR TEEN
| MAY-JUNE 2016
©2016 by Your Teen, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without the written consent of Your Teen magazine.Your Teen does not verify claims or information appearing in any advertisements contained in this magazine. While advertising copy is reviewed, no endorsement of any product or service offered by any advertisement is intended or implied by publication in Your Teen.
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Contact Stephanie Silverman at 216-337-1374 Your Teen Media P.O. Box 21083, S. Euclid, Ohio 44121
Reimagine School Lawrence School is committed to reframing the conversation about the way children learn. We offer a K-12 program strategically designed to help students with dyslexia, ADHD and other language-based learning differences.
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EDITOR’S LETTER Summertime. Summertime has historically been worrisome for me. I find idleness especially troubling. When my older kids used to say, “I’m bored,” that simple comment could provoke a lengthy response: “Ride your bike. Call a friend. Read a book. Get a job.” And so on.... I feared the dangers of boredom, so I encouraged busy schedules all year round. I believed busy was better. And my impression was that my three older kids were happier when they were busy. My last two kids, well, they can lie around doing nothing for days on end (maybe even weeks) but they never utter the inflammatory, “I’m bored.” They’ve learned how to avoid my helpful suggestions.
“
My role is to pay attention to extremes. If too much boredom is leading to too much time hanging with friends at crazy hours and at worrisome locations, then we must agree on some structure.
”
One summer, #4 said that she didn’t want to go back to camp. I was pushing, but she was very certain. My older kids—who had spent every summer at this camp—asked her why she wasn’t going. When #4 stated the obvious— that she didn’t like camp—the older three each said that they didn’t really like camp either, but they just went. What? I was stunned by their response. Apparently, they never considered the option of not going. I think the challenge to summer is finding some balance between too bored and unnecessarily busy. We know that risky behavior increases during the summer because kids have too much free time, so we are told to keep our kids busy and productive. On the other hand, experts tell us that boredom can lead to problem solving and creativity. (When #5 is bored, he starts taking apart old electronics and building new things.)
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YOUR TEEN
| MAY-JUNE 2016
I’ve never understood how to predict when boredom will lead to dangerous behavior as opposed to fueling creativity. Balance? On one hand, summer laziness is earned, especially after the stress of the school year. But on the other hand, busy days can expose our kids to new worlds and build some non-academic experiences. After many summers of struggling with this dilemma, I’ve come to the conclusion that my role is to pay attention to extremes. If too much boredom is leading to too much time hanging with friends at crazy hours and at worrisome locations, then we must agree on some structure. If someone’s schedule is too busy and leading to stress, then the priority becomes evaluating ways to create more carefree hours. I think that the only thing I can do is keep a watchful eye. Having adopted this new attitude, my conversation with #5 is going a lot differently than past discussions about summer plans. This summer, he wants to focus solely on football. I’ve talked, cajoled, negotiated, but he is firm in his desire to do nothing but football (and lots of TV). Lucky #5—now that I have learned the value of boredom, he wins. As always, my sincerest apologies to the first four. If you are anticipating summer with teenagers for the first time or the fifth, there are great tips in the summer feature by Kate Pocock and Diana Simeon. Dr. Michael Bradley, psychologist and author of Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind, suggests leaving plenty of unstructured time so your teenagers can figure out who they are and what they want to do. Great advice. And much more. As always, the magazine shares wisdom through expert advice, poignant sharing and, of course, the necessary dose of humor. Enjoy the read.
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FEATURED
CONTRIBUTORS MICHELLE ICARD
Special thanks — as always — to Michelle Icard, who offers some helpful ideas for getting your tween to do chores (yes, really). Michelle is the author of Middle School Makeover: Improving the Way You and Your Child Experience the Middle School Years. Read her ideas on page 53.
JULIE SILVER AND MARY CONNELLY
Ursuline is ranked the most affordable private college in Ohio
— US Department of Education College Scorecard
An Ursuline education is an affordable investment that pays dividends in your future. Nearby Cleveland provides over half of the student body with real-world experience. Last year, 100% of first-year students received aid and new alums were employed at a rate three times higher than the national average. Focusing on holistic education, Ursuline College empowers women to lead and change the world.
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YOUR TEEN
| MAY-JUNE 2016
We loved chatting with L.A.-based couple Julie Silver and Mary Connelly about raising kids, while balancing careers in the arts — Julie travels the world performing contemporary Jewish music — and television (Mary is an executive producer for The Ellen DeGeneres Show). Flip to page 54 to get started.
IVAN JOSEPH
What builds confidence in a teenager? Ryerson University athletics director Ivan Joseph has spent a career figuring that out. Find out what he has to say in this issue’s In the Spotlight on page 20.
PROJECT WHAT!
Special thanks to Project What!, a San Francisco-based organization working to raise awareness about the seven million children in the U.S. alone who have a parent on parole, on probation, or incarcerated. This issue, three of Project What!’s youth advocates share their perspective. Their essays start on page 24.
REBECCA SHLAFER
Dr. Rebecca Shlafer, an assistant professor of pediatrics at the University of Minnesota, helps us understand the challenges of being an adolescent with an incarcerated parent (page 24), as well as the bigger picture of how incarceration impacts families.
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Audrey Mann Cronin @MannCronin Great mag! I read @YourTeenMag cover to cover! Debra Darvik (via Facebook) Boy do I wish @YourTeenMag existed when my kids were teens!
YOUR TEEN
| MAY-JUNE 2016
Technology on vacation. It has its ups … and its downs. Sure, it keeps you connected—and can even enhance your trip by helping you find things to do and see. But it can also make it difficult to get away from it all. So, this issue, we crowd-sourced some ideas for how the whole family can tame technology while traveling. 1. Set rules together. Then play a game where everyone gets to call out rule-breakers, even when it’s the parents.
Elizabeth Milovidov @DigiParentCoach A must read for #digital parents re #Instagram. @YourTeenMag brings another winner. bit.ly/1QcaLq3
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#ParentHack
2. Pick technology times of day. Perhaps a session in the morning and a session during the late afternoon. Similarly, you can set times for no technology, like during meals. 3. Keep ‘em busy. Active vacations are not only fun and healthy, they help limit technology. It’s tough to text while windsurfing, right? Some ideas: hiking, biking, watersports. 4. Vacation where you can’t connect. It may be hard to believe that there are still places where you can’t connect, but it’s true: many national parks and other natural areas get limited or no cell service, and some resorts will take your technology off your hands when you check in. 5. Model it. If parents moderate their own use of technology on vacation, chances are teenagers will follow along.
There’s a new Hospice House on the eastside
Do you really want to know? 91% of summer trips are by car.
Maltz Hospice House and Palliative Care Pavilion
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45% of Americans take a summer vacation.
• On Montefiore’s Beachwood campus • Beautiful living and dining areas for the entire family • Dedicated entrance and parking
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• Spacious hospice house suites with patios Most students lose about two months of gradelevel math skills over the summer months.
Hospice care also available in your home Please call the hospice office at 216.910.2650 to see how we can help.
NATIONAL SUMMER LEARNING ASSOCIATION
More teenagers are finding summer employment—in 2015, the number of U.S. teenagers with summer jobs rose to 4.7 million.
Montefiore A Caring Community One David N. Myers Parkway, off Cedar Road
montefiorecare.org
BUREAU OF LABOR STATISTICS
YOUR TEEN
| MAY-JUNE 2016
9
BULLETIN BOARD
What’s Your Favorite Social Media App?
Apps That Are #Trending
Teens overwhelmingly prefer three social apps I primarily use Snapchat. I like how you can tell people what you’re doing without actually having a conversation. Alex, Beachwood, OH
Instagram is my favorite because I love posting pictures with my friends and seeing what my friends are doing. I also like Snapchat because it is really quick and easy and funny.
I only use Snapchat since I find it be a simple way of communicating with friends, rather than a platform where you're displaying an inauthentic image of yourself. Anabelle, Philadelphia, PA
Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram because there is always something new to see. There are constant updates every time I open them.
Joanna, Pepper Pike, OH
I use Instagram the most. I like to see all the pictures my friends and celebrities post.
Haley, Chardon, OH
Instagram, because I feel my photos best reflect me as a person.
Tara, Jericho, NY
Jamie, Beachwood, OH
My favorites are Instagram and Snapchat. Pictures tell a thousand words and Instagram is like a scrapbook of your life. Snapchat has pictures too, but they are only up for a short time. IMO, Snapchat is meant to tell secrets to your closest friends. Things you might not want the world to know. I use it differently. I post daily updates to my followers and once a week I will log on and snapchat with my fans. Bailey James, who is 13, is an up-and-coming country music singer-songwriter based in Nashville, TN
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The average American teenager spends about six hours per day on the phone and has 32 apps. Here are up-andcoming apps that are popular with teens—and some that we think should be—that may be news to you.
GroupMe A free group messaging app that works on ev-
ery platform and does not use data. Users can assign labels to each group, such as friends, family, and classmates; share photos, videos and locations; and create events and personalized emojis. Why teenagers love it: It’s easy to use and does not eat up their data allowance. Plus, the inapp messaging option means teenagers who don't have unlimited texts won’t go over their limit.
ooVoo A video, voice, and messaging app that also lets users create free group chats with up to 12 people. Why teenagers love it: Just because. This is a popular app for teenagers to log on after school and keep open while doing homework. Parents will like that users can only communicate with those on their approved contact lists. After School Think YikYak for high school students. Teenagers can anonymously post on message boards associated with individual high schools. Why teenagers love it: For the same reason some teenagers like other anonymous social media platforms. Some say that After School is yet another a place for teenagers to get away with cruel behavior. ColorTherapy If your teenager loves coloring books,
then chances are she’s got ColorTherapy, a digital coloring book. Why teenagers love it: A stress-relieving, digital coloring book with hundreds of stunning pages … what’s not to love?
Mint From Intuit, the makers of TurboTax and Quicken,
the free app helps teenagers track spending, create budgets, and set up reminders (time to pay the credit card bill). Why parents love it: It’s a great tool for high schoolers and college students learning to stick to a budget.
Companion Created by students at the University of Michigan, this safety-oriented app lets teenagers get some virtual company on a walk (via GPS). The app uses the phone's built-in sensors to detect changes in movement— for example, if your teenager starts running—and asks the user to confirm that she’s okay. If your teenager doesn't do so within 15 seconds, the app notifies the virtual companion and puts the phone into alert mode, emitting siren-like noises and displaying a button to call the police. Companions also receive a text notifying them when the user has safely reached a destination. Why parents love it: It helps our teenagers stay safe. ‘Nuff said. —Jane Parent
You Are the #1Influence on Your Teen Graduation celebrations. Prom. End-of-the-year parties. Do you know where your teens will be and what they will be doing? As parents, you should have open discussions about expectations before your teen heads out to a party, event or activity. The Party Checklist and Teen Promise below are great tools to guide these conversations. Ch Pa r t y
eck li
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of teen): ’t go. ert name s n (i r n you can a e e D th , w o n ’t k If we don g? happenin is t a ose? Wh is the purp t a h /w y phone #)? Wh ddress & u going? o (a y e c re a la p n Whe ent take ill this ev re? me? Where w to be the nts be ho g re in a o p g e is th Who ts? Will the paren Who are ome? l you be h When wil ere? you get th e? How will om you get h How will d Dad
m an Love, Mo
d, ol or any m and da u if there is alcoh promise Dear mo o y call rty. I also a to p e is is th m t I pro to do nce a ressured al substa p g g le n il li r e e oth am fe know if I to let you gainst my will. ga somethin n) ro m i s e Teen P me of tee a n t r e s n Love, (i
SAY
A Program of
Bellefaire JCB
SAY – Social Advocates for Youth is a prevention and early intervention program of Bellefaire JCB for students in middle and high school throughout Cuyahoga County. *SAY school-based services are offered for free in the following suburban school districts: Beachwood, Chagrin Falls, Cleveland Heights-University Heights, Mayfield, Orange, Shaker Heights, Solon and South Euclid-Lyndhurst.
For Information: Chris Ruma-Cullen, LISW-S, CDCA Director of SAY
216.320.8203 cullenc@bellefairejcb.org www.e-say.org
PRODUCTS
Products Picks
Mother's Day gifts
We've got something for mom, dad, and your grad.
HYDRO FLASK WATER BOTTLE
A water bottle for Mother’s Day? “My first answer was ‘No way’,” says Your Teen’s Mindy Gallagher. “But after using it for workouts and on a road trip, I've done a complete 180. I absolutely love it.” Cold beverages stay cold and hot ones stay hot. Perfect. $27.95 hydroflask.com
BLUNDSTONE WOMENS SERIES BOOTS
Hip and practical, these boots will completely win over mom. “I am beyond obsessed with my Blundstone boots,” says Your Teen’s Susan Borison. “Love the look. Love the comfort. And they are great for all weather.” $180 us.blundstone.com
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JEWELRY STAND
Many moms love to get organized, so we knew this functional, yet lovely, jewelry stand would be a hit. “It’s great for rings and bracelets,” says Jessica Semel, a friend and proofreader of Your Teen. “Plus, it doesn't take up too much room on my (already cramped) bathroom counter.” $59.95 store.menudesignshop.com
LÉKUÉ PASTA COOKER
Cook pasta in the microwave? Yep, busy moms totally can with the Lékué Pasta Cooker. “Spaghetti fits in there perfectly, and I just had to flip it over to drain the pasta,” says Dolly Herschel, a friend of Your Teen. “No more waiting for the water to boil. Plus there's easy clean up, and you can even use the cooker as a serving dish.” $35.00 lekueusa.com
ELECTRIC PICKS SCARLET BEGONIAS WRAP BRACELET
For the music-loving mom, Electric Picks offers a collection of stunning jewelry inspired by music. Your Teen photographer Beth Segal is loving the Scarlet Begonias Wrap Bracelet, inspired by the Grateful Dead song. “Honestly, I haven't taken it off since I got it.” $68 electricpicks.com
4 BOXFLI BATHING BELLES COSMETIC BAG
Practical, yet so much fun. “The designs on these make-up bags are great,” says Your Teen art director Meredith Pangrace. “From retro bathing beauties to puppies wearing glasses, there's sure to be something that suits every mom's style.” They’re also the perfect size for travel and, thanks to the vinyl material, easy to clean. $17.50 boxfli.com
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LAGOSTINA RISOTTIERA
Got a dad who loves to cook? Then treat him to this beautiful Italian-made Risottiera, which is specially designed to make perfect risotto. “I tried it with a Parmesan mushroom risotto recipe,” says Garry Marquiss, a friend of Your Teen . “The pan is absolutely beautiful, very well made, and the risotto was great, if I don’t say so myself.” $199.99 lagostinausa.com
Father's Day gifts
KEYSMART
If the dad in your life is a fan of the Swiss Army knife, then he’s going to love KeySmart. “This Swiss-style, minimalist key holder makes it easy to store your keys. When you need a key, just slide it out. My dad loves it,” says Your Teen's Brooke Siegler. Plus, it’s smaller than a pack of gum. $19.98 getkeysmart.com
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Now dad can rest easy knowing that his phone will be safe at the pool or beach this summer. “I immersed the empty case in water for about three hours and found it to be dry after inspection,” says Rick Taylor, husband of Your Teen’s Eca Taylor. “I’d recommend it for vacations and activities near water.” $89.95 pelican.com
CONSCIOUS STEP SOCKS FOR CAUSES
Revamp dad’s sock drawer and make a difference in one fell swoop with these organic cotton socks. “These are bright and comfortable,” says Rick Taylor, husband of Your Teen’s Eca Taylor. Plus, for every pair sold, Conscious Step donates 50 percent to a charity, including water.org, Action Against Hunger, and UNAIDS. $54.95 consciousstep.com
MOTOROLA TALKABOUT T460 2-WAY RADIOS
Practical, but fun, and with a range of up to 35 miles, the Motorola Talkabout is a perfect Father's Day gift for the active outdoorsman, says Your Teen videographer Ralph Febbo. “The range is amazing, and I love the built in flashlight!” $89.99 shop.giantintl.com
PELICAN MARINE IPHONE COVER
CROSLEY CRUISER TURNTABLE
The perfect gift for the dad with the record collection gathering dust in a corner of the basement. “What a great way for dads to show off their vinyl collections to their teens,” says Scott Stettin, husband of Your Teen art director Meredith Pangrace. $69.95 crosleyradio.com
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PRODUCTS
Upgrade your graduate’s travel gear with The Baxter Travel Kit, a TSA-approved bag with moisturizer, after shave, face wash, shampoo, and more. “I really enjoyed the bag, which comes in many colors. And you can also add your own products to personalize the kit,” says Your Teen’s Brooke Siegler . $50.00 baxterofcalifornia.com
MY CHARGE ALL TERRAIN PORTABLE RECHARGER
4
BAXTER OF CALIFORNIA TRAVEL KIT
gifts For the Grad
But mom, my phone died! Sound familiar? Maybe your graduate needs the My Charge All Terrain Portable Recharger. “It easily fits in your pocket and quickly recharges your technology,” says Brooke. “Great to take on long trips, or to throw in a bag to have just in case.” $39.99 mycharge.com
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THE SHINE PROJECT STACK BRACELETS
Jewelry your graduate will love along with a cause you can get behind. For every bracelet you buy 100 percent of the profit is donated to helping low-income students go to college. Sarah Herschel, a friend of Your Teen loves the bracelet set. “You can mix and match depending on outfits,” she says. “Or wear them all together. Plus, you’ll be reminded of the difference you've made each time you wear them.” $75.99 theshineproject.com
IN1 MULTI-TOOL UTILITY IPHONE CASE
This phone case is exceptionally practical, with eight built-in utility items: a toothpick, flat-head screwdriver, Phillips screwdriver, pen, kickstand, nail file, scissors, and a bottle opener. “The case comes in many styles and colors, so you can still have a stylish, but useful phone case,” says Brooke. $39.95 in1case.com
4 MY CHARGE PORTABLE CHARGER HUB PLUS
Grads can power up on the go with this convenient portable charger, featuring cords for both Apple and Android. “The plug and recharging cables fit snugly into the device,” says Rick Taylor, spouse of Your Teen’s Eca Taylor. “It has good battery capacity to recharge devices and can recharge both Apple and non-Apple products at the same time.” $99.99 mycharge.com
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LIVESCRIBE 3 SMARTPEN MOLESKINE EDITION
NEWER TECHNOLOGY PREMIUM LEATHER CASEHOLDER FOLIO FOR FULL-SIZE APPLE IPAD
NEWER TECHNOLOGY 14 PIECE PORTABLE TOOLKIT
LIFE IS GOOD WOMEN'S LITTLE HEARTS SLEEP LEGGING Just right for lazing around on a Saturday morning, these leggings are sure to please. “They’re so comfortable and stretchy, so I can move around easily in them,” says Madeline Taylor, daughter of Your Teen’s Eca Taylor. “I’ll definitely be wearing these to relax at home.” $38.00 lifeisgood.com
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An attractive, leather bag that doubles as a carrier for an iPad or any other tablet. “Inside, there’s also a folder for papers and other pockets to hold pens and other items,” says Brooke. “It makes carrying technology less burdensome and a lot more fashionable.” $129 newertech.com
Take notes using old-fashioned pen and paper, but still enjoy the practicality of technology with the LiveScribe 3 Smartpen Moleskin Edition. “I love this,” says Your Teen’s Eca Taylor. “It’s so much fun, easy to use, and a great way to journal while traveling or take notes at work.” $229.95 livescribe.com
Perfect for the soon-to-be college student’s dorm room, the kit comes with nine different screwdrivers and five other tools. “It all comes in a tiny and compact case that is easy to store away, but can also be used at any time,” says Brooke. “Every college student will have a use for this kit.” $19.95 newertech.com
THE VOTING GAME
Welcome your graduate to adulthood with this fun, decidedly adult party game. How it works: players anonymously vote for the player best described by a question, like, Who would find a way to break out of prison and succeed? “You'll really get to know your friends,” says Brooke. $25 thevotinggame.com
YOUR TEEN
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IN A MINUTE
Keep Talking About Distracted Driving
C
ar crashes are the No. 1 cause of death for teenagers in the United States and, in about 10 percent of those fatalities, distracted driving is the cause, according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. The bottom line: 15-to-19 year-olds are more likely than adults to be in a “distraction-affected” crash. We asked Anne Marie Hayes, a certified driving instructor and author of 3 Keys to Keeping Your Teen Alive, for ideas about how to help teenagers avoid distracted driving.
Talk about it.
Raise your teenager’s awareness of all the ways to be distracted behind the wheel. “Distracted driving is anything that takes your teenager’s hands off the wheel, eyes off the road, or mind off the task,” says Hayes. That includes eating, changing the radio, friends, rooting around in a bag, and lots more. But these days, of course, the phone is the biggest distraction for teenagers (and all of us, frankly).
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Set rules.
“The rule is—absolutely no use of the phone while driving,” says Hayes. “I suggest they turn off their phone and put it in the glove compartment or somewhere where they cannot see it, cannot reach it. Parents need to realize how dangerous this is.” If a teenager must use her phone, she should ask a passenger to do it for her or pull over to a safe place. Hayes stresses that even using a phone hands-free is a distraction, particularly for inexperienced drivers. “A lot of people feel that if they use a handsfree phone, that solves the problem because their hands are on the wheel,” she explains. “But minds off the task is the biggest problem.” Phone conversations can lead to a condition called “task-related blindness,” where an individual zones out and stops paying attention to the task at hand.
Enforce consequences.
Use of the phone while driving should be met with a swift and strict consequence, recommends Hayes. “For ex-
ample, you lose your driving privileges for the next two weeks. And it starts immediately.”
Parents have rules too.
“Parents need to model the behavior they want their teens to follow,” says Hayes. “If parents are using their own cell phones, whether it’s hands-on or hands-free, they can expect their kids to drive the same way, but with a whole lot less experience.” Parents should also be mindful when teenagers are driving, and not call or text them during those times.
Be aware of other drivers.
“Not only should parents have a rule about their own teenagers not using the phone; they need to help teenagers be very aware that other people may be using their phone,” says Hayes. “Everyone has to drive with increased caution. The number of people who go right through red lights now is astonishing. All it takes is one mistake.” n
Helping to Tame Your Teenager’s Exam Stress
S
pring might be in the air, but school’s not over just yet, and most teenagers are headed into the most stressful time of the academic year: final exams. We caught up with Naseem Ahsun and Jennie Caswell, authors of the new book The Laid Back Guide to Exams and Stress to find out how parents can help teenagers get through these stressful final weeks. 1. Recognize how amped-up expectations are for our teenagers. Sure, we took exams, but the bottom line is that today’s high school experience is more stressful. “Standards and expectations are really high these days,” says Naseem Ahsun, a teacher who co-authored the book with psychologist Jennie Caswell. “If you think everything is riding on your teenager’s exam performance, your teenager will, too."
2. Key in on what helps your teenager de-stress. “Stress tends to be treated as one-size-fits-all,” says Caswell. “But each of us is different.” What matters is what solutions work for your teenager. For example: • The over-achieving, competitive teenager, who is going to “work and work and work and ignore what she is feeling until she burns out,” says Ahsun. What helps: “Get them grounded. Tell them it’s okay to go see a friend and not work all the time.” • The laid-back teenager, who may, in times of stress, appear to be really lazy. But he is actually overwhelmed. What helps: “Getting these teenagers to break the big tasks down to little ones that they can take one step at a time,” says Caswell.
3. Don’t panic — and remember the big picture. “It’s so easy to panic when you see your child in distress,” says Ahsun. But that’s not helpful. Instead, help them discover how to manage their stress, so they develop the resilience they need to be successful in college and beyond. After all, life cannot be lived without some stress. “It’s about helping them discover the tools they have to manage their stress,” says Caswell. “Your young adult has these tools. We all do.” n
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IN A MINUTE
MOVE-OUT SKILLS 101:
Help! I Lost My ... B efore teenagers leave home, they should know what to do if they lose something important so that they don't have to call you in tears. Here are some ideas to share with your teenager.
STAY CALM. First, regardless of what you actually lost, take a deep breath to calm down and stop panicking. Think about where you left the item, visualizing where you last saw it. What were you doing? Retrace your steps and think of where you've been since you had the object last. If you search every pocket and countertop and still cannot locate the item, then it may be time to act quickly to mitigate any further damage. Here’s how to handle the loss of some specific items:
1. LOST WALLET.
If you have an ATM/debit card, your first phone call should be to the bank. Most banks will charge a maximum of $50 for any unau-
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thorized withdrawals in the first two business days after you report a missing or lost card. Similarly, if you have a credit card in your wallet, go to the issuer’s website and locate the telephone number for reporting lost or stolen debit cards, credit cards, or checkbooks. First, the bank will ask you to verify the most recent charges on the card. Then they will issue you a new card with different digits, and investigate any false charges.
2. LOST DRIVER’S LICENSE.
Most states have a department of motor vehicles website with instructions for how to report a lost or stolen license if you are out of state or unable to get to a physical office location. It’s important to know that if you operate a car without having your license, you may face penalties and fines (up to and including the police impounding your motor vehicle and arresting you). Be sure to check your state’s regulations.
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3. LOST PHONE.
The easiest way to find your phone is to call it from another phone. Or you might consider texting some contact information to your phone so that anyone who finds it will know how to reach you. If you have an iPhone, use the “Find my iPhone” app to locate your phone. The app, however, only works if the phone is turned on and connected to the Internet. If all else fails, contact your service provider. Some providers have GPS location services available to customers. If not, they can at least cut off (or temporarily put a hold on) service to your phone.
4. LOST LAPTOP.
If you haven’t downloaded an anti-theft program like Prey—which allows you to remotely gather information about a lost computer, including photos of who may be using it and its precise location—it may be harder to recover valuable items like a laptop. Contact the local police department to file a report. That way, if your laptop
is found, it can be returned. Plus if you are filing an insurance claim, you will need to have filed a police report first. If you have renters’ insurance, consult your policy to see whether it provides electronics coverage and replacement cost for a new laptop. If you don’t have renters’ insurance, then ask your parents whether you are covered under their homeowners’ insurance.
5. CAR KEYS.
A reputable locksmith can make you a new car key and will charge less than a dealership for replacement keys. A locksmith will ask for some information about your vehicle, including the year, make, model, and VIN number. Be prepared to show proof of ownership, such as a picture ID, along with either your vehicle title or registration papers.
Vegetable Lasagna This delicious recipe from the just-released The Complete America’s Test Kitchen TV Show Cookbook will warm your family's bellies (and hearts). INGREDIENTS: Tomato Sauce 1 (28-ounce) can crushed tomatoes 1/4 cup minced fresh basil leaves 2 Tbsp extra-virgin olive oil 2 medium garlic cloves, minced 1 Tsp kosher salt 1/4 Tsp red pepper flakes Cream Sauce 8 ounces whole-milk cottage cheese (about 1 cup) 1 cup heavy cream 4 ounces Parmesan cheese, grated (about 2 cups) 2 medium garlic cloves, minced 1 Tsp cornstarch 1/2 Tsp kosher salt 1/2 Tsp ground black pepper Vegetable Filling 1 ½ pounds eggplant, peeled and cut into ½-inch pieces Kosher salt and ground black pepper 1 pound zucchini, cut into ½-inch pieces 1 pound yellow squash, cut into ½-inch pieces 5 Tbsp plus 1 Tsp extra-virgin olive oil 4 medium garlic cloves, minced 1 Tbsp minced fresh thyme leaves 12 ounces baby spinach (12 cups) 1/2 cup pitted kalamata olives, minced 12 ounces whole-milk mozzarella cheese, shredded 12 no-boil lasagna noodles 2 Tbsp chopped fresh basil leaves
DIRECTIONS: 1. For the tomato sauce: Whisk all the ingredients together in a bowl; set aside. For the cream sauce: Whisk all the ingredients together in a separate bowl; set aside. 2. For the filling: Heat the oven to 375 degrees. Toss the eggplant with 1 tsp kosher salt. Line the surface of a large plate with a double layer of coffee filters and lightly spray with vegetable oil spray. Spread the eggplant in an even layer over the coffee filters. Microwave the eggplant, uncovered, until dry to the touch and slightly shriveled, about 10 minutes, turning halfway through cooking. Cool slightly. Return the eggplant to the bowl and toss with the zucchini and summer squash. 3. Combine 1 Tbsp of the oil, the garlic, and thyme in a small bowl. Heat 2 Tbsp more oil in a nonstick skillet over medium-high heat until shimmering. Add half of the eggplant mixture, 1/4 tsp kosher salt, and 1/4 tsp pepper and cook, stirring occasionally, until the vegetables are lightly browned, about 7 minutes. Clear the center of the skillet, add half of the garlic mixture, and cook, mashing with a spatula, until fragrant, about 30 seconds. Stir the garlic mixture into the vegetables and transfer to a medium bowl. Repeat with the remaining eggplant mixture, 2 Tbsp more oil, and the remaining garlic mixture; transfer to the bowl. 4. Heat the remaining 1 tsp oil in the nowempty skillet over medium-high heat. Add the spinach and cook, stirring frequently, until wilted. Transfer the spinach to a
paper towel–lined plate and drain for 2 minutes. Stir into the eggplant mixture. 5. Grease a 13 by 9-inch baking dish. Spread 1 cup of the tomato sauce evenly over the bottom of the dish. Arrange 4 noodles on top of the sauce. Spread half of the vegetable mixture over the noodles, then half of the olives. Spoon half of the cream sauce over the top and sprinkle with 1 cup of the mozzarella. Repeat. For the final layer, arrange the remaining 4 noodles on top and cover with remaining tomato sauce. Sprinkle with remaining 1 cup mozzarella. 6. Cover the dish tightly with aluminum foil that has been sprayed with vegetable oil spray and bake until the edges are just bubbling, about 35 minutes, rotating the dish halfway through baking. Cool the lasagna for 25 minutes, then sprinkle with the basil and serve.
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IN THE SPOTLIGHT
The Secret to Raising Confident Teens As the director of athletics at Ryerson University, Ivan Joseph has had a lot of experience coaching teens and helping them build confidence, both on and off the field. At home, Joseph also gets to work with his own teens—ages 17, 16, and 13. We sat down with Joseph to learn about teaching confidence to teens. What can parents do to help their teens gain self-confidence? We need to be careful of how critical we are. Here’s a perfect example. My daughter leaves her towel on the floor. The one time I catch her putting it away, I say, “Hey, Claire. Thanks for hanging your towel up.” It’s still the same behavior that we’re trying to reinforce. It’s that whole principle of “catch them while they’re good.” Instead of just critically assessing mistakes. We try to enforce the positive. Do you have any tips for how to stay positive? Continue to praise the process versus the outcome. If my daughter Claire works on her project overnight and gets an A, she’s not go20
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ing to get a lot of praise from me because that’s me praising the outcome. But if she spent time and really worked hard to create the A, then I’m praising that. If we praise the process instead of the outcome, then people are more willing to recognize that their self-confidence isn’t based on a score, an outcome, or a result. What advice would you give to teens in terms of how to master a skill? It’s repetition, repetition, repetition. You can’t wake up in the morning and decide that you’re going to be an astronaut or the fastest runner in your school. You have to practice. You have to be willing to put in the work and be persistent. The true key of the repetition is
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that you can’t give up at your first level of failure or first setback. When the failure comes, it’s the people who you surround yourself with. That’s why you talk about how it takes a village to raise a child. Nobody can do it by themselves. How do you think the current setup of high school sports has changed over the years? The system is very different in that people are now becoming much more specialized in their sport. If I’m a parent and my son is sitting on the bench, I will move him to another team until he gets to play. What happens is that our children don’t develop this grit—which is something very closely related to self-confidence—to believe that you can accom-
plish a task. By continuing to move our kids, we’re not helping them grow. What happens is they get to university and it’s the first time they have to put the work in. They are not able to persist. They haven’t developed resilience because they haven’t had to work and learn about what it’s like to sit on a bench, what it’s like to lose, and what it’s like not to be the star. How are your own teens dealing with confidence? I’ve got a good partner. I’d say we’ve grown strong, confident young people. I’ve got two girls, and they struggle with body image. They struggle with being accepted. They have the same things that all young ladies at that age are going
through. I have a young son who has dyslexia. He struggles with how he’s being perceived by his peers. The risk of looking stupid and not being able to do the things that he wants to do. I don’t think my kids are any different than anybody else’s kids. On the surface, they’re very tough. But, I think that age is a tender age for all our young people. How can you make sure your confidence doesn’t rely on external praise and acceptance? We have to be careful there because if we allow our con-
would have had the confidence to keep coming back. His belief in himself is the real key to confidence. That external piece—the applause, the compliments— all of that can help you. Just as importantly and even more damagingly, it can take you away from your path.
fidence to be external, then we give our power away. That’s the whole piece where the self-talk comes from. There’s going to be a lot of external people who will not believe in you. You’ve got to get away from the people who will tear you down. A guy named Kyle tried out three or four times for our soccer team. I cut Kyle three times. One year, he shows up and he makes the team. Long story short, he becomes an all-Canadian Ontario University Athletics (OUA) captain. OUA is our athletic conference. If Kyle had believed me, he never
If you hit a low point, how can you regain your confidence? Kids will lose their way because there are always new experiences and environments—from their high school to their university to their work environment. They will be shy and ner-
vous and afraid, and that’s part of it. Part of my job as the parent is to remind them of all the good things they’ve done. Remind them of the past, how they were able to meet new friends. Or remind them how they were able to win a race or do well on the test when they’ve done their work. I’m not here to blow smoke up their nostrils, or whatever you want to call it. My job is to remind them of their past successes, and to hopefully get them to talk and share those stories. n
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| MAY-JUNE 2016
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BOOK BOOK REVIEW REVIEW
The Magician’s Assistant by Ann Patchett PARENT REVIEW By Lesley Ward
S
abine’s husband Parsifal was always a mysterious man with unusual talents: a magician, a seller of exotic carpets, a gay man with a millionaire boyfriend. And now he has died, suddenly. Sabine is not at all prepared to learn just how much her best friend and partner had hidden his past. As she goes through his belongings, she begins to find remnants that hint at the boy he once was and the family he left behind. Just a few pages into The Magician’s Assistant, I was reminded of my 13-yearold daughter, Julia. I thought she might identify with Sabine, who immerses herself in making miniature architectural models, creating a sense of order and control when her life is plunged into quiet chaos. She uses her artistic abilities and focus to help her deal with her difficulties, shrinking her world down to a manageable scale and making it beautiful. This is a contemporary story that
takes us from glamorous Hollywood mansions and magic clubs to old cemeteries, the emergency room, and rural Nebraska. Patchett uses subtle classical references—such as the names Sabine, Parsifal, and Phan—to lend the proceedings a mythical and mystical quality. Sabine’s experience of life is shrouded in a haze, even as suspense builds around events that occurred long ago. A good novel can take moments from the past and present, tie them together with themes and images, and help us see the patterns inherent in the stories of our lives. This is how reading helps us become more emotionally intelligent, empathetic people. Learning about Parsifal’s childhood allows Sabine to imagine her own life in a new context. It is refreshing to meet a heroine whose strength is embodied by her patience and grace. Sabine meets loss with courage and open-mindedness. She finds herself in a
state of confusion and follows a winding path out of it, even though each step challenges everything she thinks and feels. One message, which I think might resonate especially with teens, is that there are people out there who are already connected to us, destined to enter our lives at the most opportune moment. Meeting them is the magic we get to look forward to in life. All this time, Sabine had another family. She just didn’t know it yet. When her husband “disappears,” a whole circle of people who knew him and loved him, and who are ready to love her, is revealed. Lesley Ward is a health coach, vegetarian chef, writer, and mother of four daughters.
TEEN REVIEW By Julia Ward
“P
arsifal is dead," begins The Magician's Assistant. "That is the end of the story.” Parsifal, a character that drives the story is someone we will never meet. Sabine’s entire adult life has been defined by her relationship to him. She was his magic assistant and his wife. Throughout the novel Sabine must figure out what she is going to do now that he is gone, a process made even more challenging after finding out that he had a life and a family that she never knew about. This book is magical in that it is both relatable and fantastical at the same time. I found myself understanding Sabine’s tendency to find solitude at her low points, and her dreams seemed more real than her waking moments. Many times in my life I have won22
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dered: what do you do after the person you love most in this world has died? Do you go home? Do you go to your parents? How does one cope with that loss? My favorite scene in this book is when Sabine goes home from the hospital after her husband has just passed. It made me think about how people deal with the change of losing someone they love. Do you start planning, or do you think of the person you have just lost? How do you glue your life back together? Reading this book has also made me think more about storytelling. The thing that makes a book truly great is when you feel as though it was written for you. I like it when you feel as though you have overcome the characters’ challenges along with them.
This book also showed me how writers use different techniques to change the tone of the book. For example, the author uses the past tense in the day and the present tense during dream scenes. There are no chapters, but instead there are three acts, like in a play. Ann Patchett not only created strong characters, but also strong relationships between the characters, so that their personalities complemented and bounced off each other in a wonderful way. This book shows that the real magic in life is not a trick—it is in the people and relationships that make us who we are. Julia Ward is currently homeschooling, which allows her to spend time reading good books, drawing, and painting.
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PERSPECTIVES Perspectives reflects the full tapestry of our society: from parents, teens and professionals.
CONTRIBUTORS
Teen 1's Point
When a Parent is Incarcerated Teen 1
Gabriela Alvarez
Teen 2's Point
Valerie Axtle
Teen 3's Point
Xitlally J. Lupian
Professional
Rebecca Shlafer, Ph.D.
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By Gabriela Alvarez
When I was three years old, my whole family's life changed. It wasn't four of us as a family any more; it was my mom driving my sister and me six hours away to visit my dad in prison. My dad looked different each time we saw him. Most of the time we had to talk to him through a window, but when we were allowed contact visits, I always sat on his lap. I remember the guards giving my parents a warning every time they got too close to each other. In letters, my dad wrote that he'd think about us every day, even when he wasn't able to call. And he'd tell us not to worry. But I always worried. After what seemed like forever, I felt so relieved when my dad was released. I didn't expect to experience that ever again, going day after day without my father, but things happen. When I was 11 years old, both of my parents were sent to jail. Going to school knowing all of my friends
went home to their parents made me cry. I had to communicate with mine through letters, visits, and phone calls. But the one emotion I never felt was shame. Nothing my parents do will ever make me turn my back on them. Gabriela Alvarez is 17 years old and a junior at Hayward High School. She is a youth advocate at Project WHAT!, a youth-led program for Bay Area teens with incarcerated parents.
Teen 2 By Valerie Axtle
He was on the run from the law for about a year. He thought that he was going to be slick and wear wigs and shades and not get caught. I knew he was going to get caught eventually because I watched a lot of criminal shows, and they all got caught. I used to cry to him, beg him, “Dad, turn yourself in. You’ll get less time. Everything’s gonna be okay. Just turn yourself in!” One morning my mom was in the living room with me and my grandma
when she got a phone call. As she talked, I listened. She kept rolling her eyes and frowning her lips, so I could tell she was hurt and angry. She hung up and started talking rudely about my father. Then my mom said, “Honey, your dad’s in jail. He got caught, I’m sorry.” I froze, my eyes were wide open, and I was completely still. I was on the couch, just sitting there, trying so hard not to cry. I was shaking, and my throat started hurting because I kept holding everything back. My grandma saw the pain in my eyes, and she asked me, “Do you wanna cry?” I kept shaking my head side to side. Then she told me, in Spanish, “Valeria, If you want to cry, cry. Cry, because it’s not good for all your sadness to stay inside you.” When she said that, something unlocked inside me and I cried for hours until my eyes hurt. It took a really long time for his actual court date to come around and for him to finally get sentenced. But eventually the day came. It was a Wednesday, and I told my grandma to take me out of school to bring me. The judge read the letters that
my brothers and I wrote. In the letter I spoke directly to the judge. I said my father protected me and my brothers, never letting us see him angry or upset. I wrote about how he would go out of his way to try to make us happy, even if it meant staying up all night with us to make us feel loved. After the judge read my letter, she spoke directly to my father and said that I was a very smart and bright young lady. The judge told me to stand, then asked me why I wasn't at school. “I wanted to see my dad,” I replied. She got mad I wasn’t in school, but then she told my father to get his life together, because he had a lot of support. She even made him turn around to look at us. After court, I asked my grandma, “How many years did he get?” “Twenty-six,” she told me. I couldn’t believe it. I was so mad. It felt like my anger was growing bigger and bigger, like a blowfish about to pop. Before my dad was sentenced, I tried to talk to him as much as I possibly could. My grandma would take me to see him. We would all be in the tiny room talking to him; then I would get ten minutes to talk to my dad alone. We would talk
about how I’m doing in school, how I’m doing in debate, and how everyone in the family is doing. I felt horrible seeing him like that, in his orange clothing and handcuffs. What felt the worst was seeing him through a glass window and not being able to touch him. All I would get was his hand and mine, pressed together on either side of the glass. The emotional distance between my dad and me was horrible. Now, two years later, it still is. Ever since my father left, I feel like I haven’t been happy. I’m angry that I don’t get to see him because he’s far away in Indiana. I understand that he has done some wrong things and he needs to pay the time, but the least they can do is place him in a prison that is closer to my siblings and me. I have the right to see my father. I have the right to talk to him in person. And I have the right to hold him. Valerie Axtle is 16 years old and attends Lionel Wilson College Preparatory Academy in Oakland. Valerie has been working as a Youth Advocate at Project WHAT! since the summer of 2014, and her hobbies include reading, writing, and policy debate.
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PERSPECTIVES WHEN A PARENT IS INCARCERATED
Teen 3 By Xitlally J. Lupian
My grandparents picked me up at my house at seven in the morning. I was 11. I was really tired but also very happy because I was going to see my dad for the first time in three years. When I was younger they moved him to a prison far away, and we just didn’t have the money to go out there very often. In the car that morning, my grandma gave me a blanket so that I could sleep, but I was just too excited. I imagined the ride was going to be really long and we were going to have to spend the night at a motel. I couldn’t believe it when my grandma told me the new prison was only a two-hour drive. Before I knew it, I saw a sign that said Folsom Prison. When we arrived at the prison, my grandparents took all the things out of
their pockets and I had to take off my shoes. We walked through the metal detectors and waited for a bus to take us to the visiting building. We got to B building, and we had to go through another metal detector. The guard pressed a button and the immense metal door groaned as it opened. We stepped slowly into a small room and waited for another guard to take us upstairs. We finally entered the visiting room and waited for my dad to show up in one of the windows. When he did, I wanted to run up and be the first to talk to him, but I got shy. I was walking towards him ahead of my grandma, but then I slowed down because I realized I didn’t know what to say to him. I couldn’t say, “Hey, Dad!” because I tried calling him “Dad” once and I didn’t like the way it sounded. It’s like calling your parents by their first names—it felt so foreign. He went to prison when I was
only eight months old. I never got used to saying the word “Dad” like everyone else. He looked shocked to see me. He said that I had grown so much that he didn’t recognize me. Talking to him was awkward at first because we hadn’t spoken in so long. I said, “Hi,” and he started asking questions, and then I couldn’t stop talking. After what seemed like a long time, he looked at the clock and told me he had to talk to my grandpa. When my dad saw my grandpa, he stood up and smiled. I couldn’t see my grandpa’s face, but I could tell he was very happy. I could sense that they just wanted to give each other a hug. They hadn’t seen each other in about 10 years. Now I’m 15, and I haven’t seen my dad in over a year because he is so far away. It shouldn’t be this hard to go visit him, especially when we only
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get three hours together. We used to get phone calls from him. The visits used to be five hours long, and I was allowed to hug him. Then he got put back in solitary. Because he’s in solitary, he can’t even get a phone call. That’s inhumane. He can’t have contact with anybody else. I can’t hug him. My grandma can’t hug him. We can’t sit around a table and just talk and be a part of the same conversation. Don’t I have the right to speak with, see, and touch my dad? When I get to see him again, I’m going to tell him about the plays I have been performing in and how my first year of high school was kind of great. I’m going to tell him about my new friends and my plans for the future, like going to college and traveling the world doing theater. I hope that in a few years he will be out and we can go camping like he said we would. I just can’t wait to talk to him. When I do,
I’ll make sure to tell him how much I miss him. Xitlally Lupian is 17 and attends Metwest High School in Oakland. She is a youth advocate for Project WHAT!.
Professional By Rebecca Shlafer, Ph.D.
It’s estimated that more than 5 million American children have experienced the incarceration of a parent, and about a third of those will turn 18 years old before their parents are released from prison. Teens with incarcerated parents face many challenges—they may have moved homes, changed schools, been separated from siblings, and lost contact with relatives. Many teens will have feelings of shame about their parents'
The first all-girls
crimes and their incarceration, and they may also feel isolated from others. Caregivers may be important sources of support and stability for youth with incarcerated parents. When dads are incarcerated, kids most often live with their mothers, but when mothers are incarcerated, many kids face disruptions in their caregiving environments and may be placed with a grandparent or another relative. As is the case for all adolescents, caregivers provide a crucial context for development. The quality of the adolescent-caregiver relationship and the ability of the caregiver to provide supervision and support likely depends on their history, as well as on the family’s resources. For example, a grandmother who already has a good relationship with her grandchild before mom goes to prison will have a head start in establishing a good caregiving relationship. The caregiver’s consistency and depend-
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PERSPECTIVES WHEN A PARENT IS INCARCERATED
ability also matter, as do her psychological health and tangible resources like money, housing, and transportation. It is common for caregivers to experience many risks and a lot of stress. Many caregivers are single parents with limited financial resources, employment instability, and poor mental health. Combined, these risk factors can compromise youth’s living environments, their relationships with caregivers and others, and their adjustment during the parent’s incarceration. Compared to younger kids, teens have the capacity to understand the basic facts about their parent’s incarceration; they may have witnessed and remember their parent’s crimes, they may have details about their parent’s trial and sentence, and they may be acutely aware of how their parent’s incarceration has impacted their family. Compared to younger kids, teens also
have more capacity to process their feelings about their parent. They also have the language skills and cognitive capacities to express their feelings about whom they live with or how they interact with their incarcerated parent.This can be challenging because some teens may want to see or talk to their incarcerated parent, but maintaining contact can be difficult depending on the location of the prison, cost of travel, or telephone calls, and conflicted family relationships. In my research with children who had an incarcerated parent, we found that caregivers often acted as “gatekeepers,” controlling when and under what circumstances the kids could talk to their incarcerated parents. It was common, though, for teens to find a way to get around their caregivers, and make contact through another family member.
Even when teens can visit, though, it can be a difficult experience. Many correctional facilities have strict rules about hugging or touching an inmate. Some facilities only allow visits to take place through Plexiglas or a video monitor, which can be hard for kids of any age. Ultimately, teens with incarcerated parents may face many risk factors. But with the help of consistent and supportive adults, and through opportunities to maintain their relationship with their incarcerated parent, they can thrive. Rebecca Shlafer, PhD, is Assistant Professor in the Department of Pediatrics (Division of Adolescent Health and Medicine) at the University of Minnesota. Her research focuses on children with parents in prison, as well as the programs and policies that impact families affected by incarceration. She also volunteers as a guardian ad litem.
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Get Ready for
Summer!
5
tips to make everyone in your family happy
BY KATE POCOCK | PHOTOS BY BETH SEGAL
Your tweens may be shouting, “Yay!” Your teens might be singing boisterous renditions of Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out.” But most parents will likely be thinking, “Oh no! Now what?” It may take some planning (and a bit of prodding), but it’s possible to have a fun and resourceful summer, with the added bonus of lifelong lessons. 30
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“I
’m sorry, but you can’t just hang around the house all summer,” we explained to our 16-year-old son, who was relishing months of computer games, late nights with friends, and sleeping in until noon. He pictured fun and games. We saw opportunities for him to learn a new skill, test out his career choices, and experience the world of work. Luckily, with some negotiation, we set a compromise: a month of helping out with computers at Mom’s work, a week-long vacation with grandparents, and—to top off his summer— two weeks of down time with his pals. Summer accomplished. Yes, summertime presents a real dilemma, especially for working parents who don’t have month-long vacations or hefty bank accounts for expensive summer camps. But with a little bit of input and a lot of planning, those lazy, hazy days of summer can give your teens a chance to learn a new skill, pursue a passion, make long-lasting friends, think about the future, get creative, and enjoy some old-fashioned fun on the side. Here are some tips for having a fun and productive summer with your teens:
1. Let Teens Plan, Too
“What teenagers do in the summer is much more valuable than in the winter,” says Dr. Michael Bradley, psychologist and author of Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind. “Summer is unstructured time,” he explains, “without the demands of school projects, sports teams, and sometimes 18-hour days.” Bradley advises parents to come up with a possible list of summer activities. Put some ideas out there. “Then let your teens decide what they want to do.” Dr. Kimberly Schonert-Reichl, professor of applied psychology at the University of British Columbia and a specialist in adolescent behavior, agrees. “We have opportunities in summer to reset the connections,” she says, “as well as revisit what our teens might be interested in.” So sit down with your teen to make a plan of what the summer might look like. “You might say something like, ‘Let’s look at our schedules and figure out some things we could do. What would make our summer fun?’” It’s okay to insist that your teens do something this summer. But value their input and work it out together.
2. Work on a Schedule (or Develop a Strategy)
Bradley suggests balancing unstructured time with some structured time “so they don’t turn into a bowl of gelatin in summer.” One way to approach it: divide the summer into thirds. Onethird organized, productive time, where your teenager is engaged in something that has an outcome. One-third unstructured time “where they have holes in their schedule and have to figure out who they are and what they want to do.” Then the last third goes toward family vacation time. “It’s a back-and-forth process, an exchange of ideas,” Bradley says. “Mutual respect and negotiation are really important.” And if your teen announces that his plan is to read books all summer while lying on the couch (as my middle son did at age 15)? Go for it if you can make it work. Bradley suggests saying something like, “Gosh, it would never have occurred to me as a teen to read all summer. I’m really impressed with that.” Plan a way to check in from time to time on his progress. In this way, “You are affirming him and his uniqueness apart from you.”
3. Planning for Tweens and Younger Teens
Tweens and younger teenagers are in a tough spot. They are not able to work—teenagers need to be a minimum of 15 to work in most states— and they tend to feel that going to the local day camp they’ve been attending since kindergarten is too babyish. “Pre-teens, 11 to 14, are in a really important transitional phase,” says SchonertReichl. “There is a change in cognition, empathy, and being able to think about their future. But they are also highly self-conscious and worry about what others think about them.” So, it’s key to find activities that seem exciting (and mature enough) for this age group and that offer enough structure to make your family’s particular summer schedule work. Here are some suggestions: • If you can afford it, enroll in specialty camps or classes that line up with your tween’s interests (computers or art, for example) or day camps or sleep-away camps geared toward teenagers specifically. “We know that non-
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SUMMER
related supportive adults—camp counselors, youth leaders, teens with more maturity—can have a huge impact on this age group,” says Schonert-Reichl. • Hire a responsible college student. Many working parents seek out college students to hang out with tweens and younger teenagers during the summer. Your tween will likely view a college student as “cool,” whereas an adult sitter can make younger teenag-
ers feel like you’re still treating them like children. Bonus: many college students have a car to shuttle your tween around town. • Tap into your network. Grandparents and other family members can pitch in, too. “If they have grandparents or even older cousins who can provide that love, support, and a safety net, all the better,” Schonert-Reichl adds. Ask other parents about their own needs. Some parents set up a regular sched-
ule hosting each other’s tweens during the summer. • Work off the books. If your younger teenager wants to earn some extra cash, she could let neighbors know she’s available to help with yard work, walk dogs, or be a mother’s helper. • Don’t forget about local resources. Many libraries and community recreation centers offer free or inexpensive summer programming.
4. Encourage Older Teens to Get a Summer Job “Your job as a parent is not to raise an Ivy League freshman,” says Bradley. “It’s to raise the parent of your grandchildren.” So think about value-forming experiences. Even jobs that are terrible, like chopping onions for 10 hours, will teach them something— probably to stay in school. Trying to corral a dozen 10-year-olds waving tennis rackets amidst one thousand tennis balls can be a life lesson on interacting with kids. (See our sidebar, 5 Tips for Landing a Summer Job.) “They learn all sorts of skills that they don’t learn when we take care of them,” says Bradley. A volunteer job is another great option. “When they work in a soup kitchen, or as a volunteer in a public defender’s office, they will begin to understand that the way they grew up is not the way that most of the world grows up,” explains Bradley. It’s a lesson that keeps on giving. Schonert-Reichl agrees. “We’ve found that when you engage teens in making their community a better place, 15 years later, they are more likely to help in their community, to volunteer, and even to vote.”
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5. Don’t Forget Down Time
Everyone needs a vacation, and teens are no exception. It could even be a “staycation,” with endless re-runs of The Simpsons. And don’t fret if your teens seem to be doing nothing. “Boredom research shows that it’s not such a bad thing,” says Ann Douglas, author of the upcoming Parenting Through the Storm. “You are doing your kids a favor because it stimulates creative activity. And if you allow kids to feel the discomfort of boredom, they will bounce back with creative ideas.” Bradley couldn’t agree more. “When a kid is staring at the ceiling, that time is very productive,” he says. “Boredom is the beginning of decision-making based on terms of a teenager’s identification process: What could I do, what I feel like doing, what choices do I make here? That’s the goal of getting the wheels turning in his or her head.” And that could be the ultimate test of a very successful summer! n
Drugs, Alcohol, and Summer:
What Parents Need to Know
D
id you know that most teenagers try drugs and alcohol for the first time during the summer months? It’s true. According to the National Sur ve y on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH), June and July are the peak months for experimentation among teenagers. That’s because teenagers have a lot more free time over the summer, says Dr. Jennifer Powell-Lunder, a psychologist and co-author of Teenage as a Second Language. “There’s a lack of structure, for older teenagers especially,” she says. Here’s what parents can do:
3. Monitor.
Powell-Lunder also recommends parents decide key questions in advance, like can your teenager have friends over while you’re at work? Under what circumstances can your teenager use the car? What’s your teenager’s summer curfew? And so on.
You don’t need to plan every moment of every summer day, but parents should be keeping tabs on what teenagers are up to, even during downtime. “Parents want to give their teenagers more freedom over the summer,” explains PowellLunder. “Teenagers should have free time, but parents need to be very clear that they will be monitoring.” That can include randomly checking in by FaceTime or a phone call, as well as a regular morning conversation. “Even if your teenager doesn’t have a plan for that day, you’re asking, ‘What is
2. Create structure.
Require your teenager to have some regular, structured activities (see the article Get Ready for Summer for ideas). “What you don’t want is, ‘Here are the keys to the car. Go have fun,’” says Powell-Lunder.
1. Set ground rules.
“Have a conversation at the beginning of summer,” recommends Powell-Lunder. Explain to your teen that you’re concerned about the amount of free time they have, and establish some rules. “Be very specific and clear about what the consequences will be if you discover your teenager breaking your rules.”
your schedule for today?’” recommends Powell-Lunder.
4. Be aware what you’re modeling.
Everyone is more relaxed during the summer, and that includes parents. “We all kick back more, but if parents are partying more, then teenagers may be modeling that,” notes Powell-Lunder.
5. Talk about binge drinking.
Summer is peak season for trying alcohol for the first time, but it’s also peak season for teenagers drinking more in general—which includes binge drinking. Binge drinking is the practice of drinking multiple alcoholic beverages in a short period of time; it can lead to alcohol poisoning, even death. “During the summer, with a lot of free time, there is a rise in binge drinking,” says Powell-Lunder. “You’re at a pool party, you’re playing drinking games, there is more opportunity to drink and more availability of alcohol. It’s really important for parents to be aware of that.”—D.S.
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SUMMER
5
Tips for Landing a Summer Job
BY DIANA SIMEON
I
t’s not so easy to get a summer job these days. While the Great Recession is over, the fact is that many jobs once held by teenagers are now being scooped up by adults. Still, teenagers who are persistent and well prepared can land a summer job. Here are our top five tips for summer job seekers. 1. Don’t be too picky. Sure, it would be great to nab the “cool” job at the local coffeehouse, but the fact is that those jobs are few and far between. If your teenager really wants a paid job, then encourage her to be open to a range of possibilities. 2. Go beyond the classifieds. The classifieds are worth checking out, but so is knocking on doors and asking to fill out applications. Also encourage your teenager to work his network by letting friends and family know he’s seeking a summer job. 3. Be professional. Remind your teenager that first impressions matter. Dress appropriately for interviews — or even when stopping in to ask for applications — and be pleasant and polite. “Employers can train you to do what they want,” says career strategist Larry Goldsmith. “They can’t train you to be pleasant.” 4. Be prepared. Help your teenager practice her interview skills. These include arriving on time, being prepared to answer (as well as ask) questions, being polite and respectful, making eye contact, no chewing gum, and turning off the phone and putting it away for the duration of the interview. 34
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5. Understand it’s not about you. An employer is not waiting to provide a terrific summer experience for a teenager. Rather, the employer is seeking an employee. Help your teenager brainstorm what she offers the employ-
er, rather than the other way around. “Employers hire to fix a need or a problem,” says Goldsmith. “Give the employer a reason to employ you.” n
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TEEN SPEAK
What I Learned from My Boring Retail Job By Charles Parent
L
ast spring, I started working at a garden center about 20 minutes away from my house. After attending a job fair, filling out an application, and enduring an on-the-spot interview, I was called and offered a job as a cashier, which I promptly accepted. It didn’t take me too long to become adjusted to the new environment, learning both the ins and outs of the store and more about my fellow coworkers. After several weeks, I began to notice something else. The garden center had become less of a job and more of a second education.
On a typical day, I would leave school at 3:00 p.m. and arrive at the garden center just in time for my 4:00 p.m. clockin, and then I would work until 8:30 p.m. With this suddenly filled schedule came a realization of how much time I had previously been wasting. I would arrive home and still have several hours of school work ahead of me. I started to think about how I was spending my free time. With the new job, if I watched two hours of TV, then I would need to stay up until midnight to finish my homework. The job also helped me to work on projects in advance, making all-nighters the day before an assignment was due unnec-
essary. I learned how to make myself as productive as possible. The main selling season at the garden center was from late March until early June. As the season progressed, fewer employees were needed as the amount of customers dwindled. In the beginning of June, the lay-offs began. I would arrive at work and find out that three more people had been laid off with no prior warning. The constant reminder that the next day could be my last pushed upon me the importance of hard work. And then there was Rich. Rich was a coworker of mine, and my senior by about 47 years. Rich was constantly informing me of how useless college was, while unbeknownst to him, he was pushing me closer toward it. While I definitely admired Rich, I also realized that I did not want to be like him. I didn’t want a career as a cashier, and his stories of cutting class and other such adventures helped me realize how important college was to me. Last of all, one of the most important lessons I learned is something often overlooked. I clearly remember one day when my coworker and friend Asia was brought to tears by an irate customer yelling at her for something she had nothing to do with. Seeing things like this taught me the importance of being kind to everyone. All people are deserving of respect, regardless of their position in life or relation to you. n Charles Parent is a senior at St. Ignatius High School in Cleveland, Ohio
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There’s something for everyone in these 19 open parks – family fun like canoeing, camping, sand volleyball and outdoor movie nights, summer camps for youth entering grades 5-10, and all kinds of FREE programs to meet every interest and activity level. Come alone or bring someone along... it’s awesome out!
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The Solon Recreation Department offers many different types of programs for youth, teens, adults, and senior citizens. These programs take place at Solon’s own Community Center, Community Park or one of the schools’ campuses. Check out our current program brochure at solonohio.org. We also offer many seasonal job opportunities.
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CROSSROADS
Into the
Wild By Amy Paturel, M.S., M.P.H.
T
he idea that wilderness nourishes the soul is as old as the ancient texts of catharsis. And while pop culture shines a light on people seeking psychological healing in nature with memoirs like Cheryl Strayed’s Wild and Aspen Matis’ Girl in the Woods, wilderness programs for troubled adolescents (including those battling ADHD, bipolar disorder, addiction, and substance abuse) have attracted less positive attention.
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Cruel transportation strategies (in some cases, paid escorts essentially abduct teens from their bedrooms in the middle of the night), coupled with reports of abuse, neglect, and even preventable death, have led to arrests, program shutdowns, and media firestorms. But that tide may be turning, according to licensed marriage and family therapist Jason McKeown, M.S., director of family services at Trails Family Institute in North Carolina. Industry-wide improvements, including more research and stricter state licensing, mean a growing number of adolescents are hitting the trail in attempt to silence (or at least quiet) their demons.
Nature as a Form of Nurture
Dating back to 2008, studies reported that wilderness therapy boosts self-esteem and improves social skills, even 18 months post-treatment. And while most of these studies were funded by the wilderness industry, some independent insurers have also concluded that wilderness programs are as effective (if not more) than other psychotherapeutic programs. The advantage of these programs, of course, is nature. Wilderness offers unparalleled access to the adolescent psyche, away from the influence of friends, family, and basic teen “necessities,” including showers, shelter, and non-dehydrated food (not to mention iPhones and other digital staples). “Unlike conventional psychotherapy where patients sit with a psychologist for one hour a week, wilderness allows us to see kids in a challenging environment, assess how they react to obstacles, and tailor treatments accordingly,” says McKeown, who claims one hour in the wilderness provides more insight about a child than two days in a hospital setting. Surviving the challenges inherent in the great outdoors requires determination, communication, and teamwork. Though kids are equipped with food, water, a sleeping bag, and other
essentials, treks are usually emotionally and physically demanding. But there are other kinds of outdoor opportunities, too. Equine therapy, for example, helps children learn to control their impulses, develop trust, and establish (and maintain) boundaries while riding and caring for horses. “Kids don’t feel threatened in relationships with animals the way they do with people,” explains McKeown. “They learn that when they control their own anxiety, the horse calms down, too. That self regulation is critical to their ability to re-adjust to the family environment.”
A Wild Industry
Before you drop your kid off in the mountains for a two-month trek, consider the child’s specific mental and physical health issues. “If a child has severe anxiety, dropping them off in the woods may not be the best idea,” says Nicole Bush, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the University of California San Francisco. Bush cautions that wilderness therapy is big business. “Often the recruitment, enrollment, and retention policies are based much more on financial gains than the child’s well-being,” she says. In fact, in roughly 90 percent of cases, wilderness therapists recommend kids continue with a residential treatment program or boarding school after the program ends. “If that’s the case, how effective was their program?” questions Bush. While wilderness has staunch supporters and also vocal critics, both camps agree parents of troubled teens need more options. In the meantime, the most effective therapies for troubled kids get the child’s buy-in, even soliciting their help to plan the treatment process. For a subset of kids, wilderness therapy fits the bill. The key, of course, is selecting a top-notch program, one that includes family involvement. n
YOUR TEEN
Considering wilderness therapy for your teen? Ask these 10 questions about the program’s operations: ✔✔Are you licensed by
the state? Ask for proof. ✔✔Has the program
been accredited by an independent health authority? ✔✔Do you provide an
academic curriculum? ✔✔Do you have a clinical
director, and what are his or her credentials? ✔✔What are staff
members’ credentials? And do you perform periodic background checks? ✔✔How do you handle
medical issues, including illness and injury? ✔✔How do you discipline
program participants? ✔✔Will my child be able
to contact me when he or she wants? And can I contact him or her? ✔✔How much does the
program cost, and what is your refund policy if the program doesn’t work out for us? ✔✔Do you have a
financial relationship with the educational consultants who refer potential participants to your program?
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We Treat People, Not Just Smiles. We offer orthodontic treatment for children, teens, and adults! In addition to traditional metal braces, we have clear ceramic braces and Invisalign速 treatment available. Call today to see how we can help create the beautiful smile you deserve.
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How to Keep that Smile Beautiful Philip Bomeli, DDS, MS, is an orthodontist with Solon Orthodontics in Solon, Ohio. He earned his undergraduate degree from the University of Notre Dame and graduate degrees from The Ohio State University.
Your son or daughter has spent two years in braces and elastics, and you’ve invested a lot in them, too. Now the braces are coming off—how do you keep that beautiful smile? Your Teen asked Dr. Philip D. Bomeli, DDS, MS, of Solon Orthodontics in Ohio for advice about what to do after the braces come off.
The braces are off! Does this mean you are good to go? Well, no. It takes between one and a half to two years for the bone structures and gums to get used to the new tooth positions. After that period, teeth are less likely to move, or at least they move at a slower pace. Two years after the braces have been removed, things are more solidified. So that means … retainers? Yes, retainers. What the research and clinical experience shows us is that teeth will always want to move. Front teeth are most likely to move and move the fastest. The only way to keep them in check is with a retainer. How long do patients need to wear the retainer? Whenever a patient asks me this, I tell them, “As long as you want your teeth to be straight.” I will never tell patients to stop
wearing their retainers. Most people who stop will have some movement. The retainer protocol has really changed. Adults may remember having their orthodontist tell them to wear their retainer until their wisdom teeth come in, or maybe for the first few years of college. Now we know that the longterm data and clinical experience show the importance of retainers, and patients who want to keep their smile should continue wearing them as part of their daily routine. If you don’t, your teeth can move, even into adulthood. What retainer options do patients have? We typically offer a retainer on top and bottom. We give patients the choice to have a fixed, glued-in retainer or a removable horseshoe-shaped plastic retainer. The advantage of the fixed retainer is that the patient just leaves it in. There is no
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ASK THE DOC
BEAUTIFUL SMILES
risk of forgetting to wear it, breaking it, or losing it. The downside is flossing can be more difficult with a fixed retainer, and that can pose a hygiene challenge. If they don’t want a fixed retainer, then patients will have a clear plastic retainer that they have to wear all the time, removing it only to eat, for about two years. After that point, they can cut back to wearing it just at night. I would say probably 98 percent of my patients choose the fixed retainer option. Kids are so busy, and it just avoids a lot of headaches and parent frustration. What is the average lifespan of a retainer? If you wear it day and night,
it will get more beat up than if you just wear it at night. Everyone is different—if you grind your teeth, the wear and tear will show up faster. Most people should expect them to last several years, but not forever. If you have stopped wearing your retainer, can you just start wearing it again? Once you stop wearing your retainer, you can’t just pop it back in and expect it to fit. The retainer won’t “kind of fit.” If the teeth have shifted, the retainer can’t force them back into position. It holds them, but won’t make them move back. You will need to come back in and have us take a new impression of
ASPIRE
your teeth and make a new retainer. So there is added cost if you need a new retainer made after teeth have shifted. What can patients do to prevent getting those spots on their teeth? I would love to say we’ve found a way to eliminate decalcification spots, which can still be both a surprise and a disappointment to patients once the bracket is removed. They represent a weakening of the tooth enamel around the bracket. Generally, it is a hygiene-related issue. Everyone has different bacterial flora in their mouth. Anything acidic you eat or drink will lower the pH balance in your mouth,
+
and that is the beginning of tooth decay. T he answer is to restrengthen the enamel of the tooth structure. On the day we place the braces on, we paint primer on the tooth. Clinical research has shown that primer helps shield the tooth and reduce the likelihood of enamel loss. We also sell a prescription-only paste that a patient uses after brushing and leaves on the teeth. If you are consistent and use it twice a day and at night we can really see a dramatic improvement. We really work with our patients as treatment progresses to emphasize proper hygiene — we want you to have that beautiful smile at the end of treatment. n
ACHIEVE
At Baldwin Wallace, you’ll experience personal and professional growth in a supportive community that challenges and inspires you to succeed.
Berea, Ohio 44017 www.bw.edu Baldwin Wallace University does not discriminate on the basis of race, creed, age, disability, national origin, gender or sexual orientation in the administration of any policies or programs.
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COLLEGE CORNER B R O U G H T TO Y O U B Y
Should You Pay for Admissions Advice? By Jane Parent
A
pplying to college can feel overwhelming. There are thousands of colleges to pick from, multiple admissions tests to sit through, numerous essays to write. Is it any surprise that some families opt to hire an independent admissions consultant? In fact, admissions consulting has become a booming industry in recent years, one that, for a fee ranging from a couple hundred to tens of thousands of dollars, can help students through the complex (and often bewildering) process of applying to college. But with so many online resources available to provide admissions help for free, do you really need to pay for it? Well, it depends on your situation. “What is your goal, and do you
have the means to hire someone?” asks Cecilia Castellano, vice provost of strategic enrollment at Bowling Green State University in Ohio. According to Castellano, private admissions specialists are most common in situations where families want their students to gain admission to first-tier, Ivy League schools, where acceptance rates now hover around 6 percent. “An admissions specialist can absolutely help those families navigate a particular school’s unique admissions process,” explains Castellano. “While it certainly isn’t a necessity, it’s a luxury I would not discount if you can afford it.” “Ideally, I’d love to say that a family should never have to pay for admissions advice,” adds Jill Medina, senior asso
ciate director of admissions at Oberlin College in Ohio. “Every high school student should have access to an admissions advisor who is going to help with the application process. But I understand that isn’t always the case if your student attends a high school with one college advisor who is responsible for 600 kids.” If you are unable to afford a costly private consultant, where should your search for free admissions advice start?
Check a college’s website.
“This is by far the most reliable source of information about any college,” states Castellano.
Call a college’s admissions office.
Students and parents should also feel YOUR TEEN
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COLLEGE CORNER
PAYING FOR AN ADMISSIONS CONSULTANT
Students and parents should feel comfortable calling a college directly with questions. comfortable calling a college directly with questions. “We want you to come to us for information, and we have admissions counselors or trained student specialists available 24/7 by phone, chat feature, or email,” says Castellano. “Usually we will speak in generalities, but I have had calls from parents with a second semester senior failing French 4 and they want to know how that is going to affect admissions, and I can give them a specific answer.” And while colleges won’t give admissions decisions over the phone, most are willing to go into detail
about what makes an application successful. “We do have admissions counselors who can give you a lot of very helpful information, such as: ‘Oberlin will expect these certain things from an applicant,’” Medina says.
Visit a college and/or attend college fairs in your area.
a college representative You can also visit schools you can drive to, even if you aren’t interested in attending them, says Medina. “You can still experience a college tour, learn what size campus appeals to you and get a feel for a particular size town.”
Go online.
If possible, plan a campus visit, go on a tour, ask questions, and talk to current students. If traveling to a distant campus is out of the question, you can attend college fairs or preview nights in your area, and speak with
“There are so many tools a v a i l a b l e t o s t u d e n t s ,” says Medina. For example, CollegeNET helps you browse different college profiles. Students can create a profile on sites such as Zinch or Cappex and connect with colleges. The colleges can
also browse your profile and contact you. Of course, just because advice is free doesn’t mean it's accurate. “Avoid any site where the information is anonymous,” cautions Medina.
Standardized tests.
When you take the SAT or ACT, check the box to permit colleges to contact you. “You will have to demonstrate a little more initiative and motivation to gain admission to more selective colleges,” advises Medina, “but this can allow information to begin to flow to you at no cost and without much effort.” n
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TECH TALK
Live Streaming
What Parents Need to Know By Audrey Mann Cronin
W
h en it comes to live streaming video, I don’t even like to keep my laptop’s camera on while Skyping with colleagues. But give me a backstage pass to a Lady Gaga studio session, my daughter a front row seat to a Valentino runway show, and my son real-time access to PewDiePie charging through the latest video game, and we are all in! Today ’s popular livestreaming apps —including Facebook Live, Periscope, Twitch, and YouNow—are the next big thing in our always-on digital culture. Using these apps, anyone with an Internet connection and a computer or smartphone can broadcast their own life—or watch
s o m e o n e e l s e ’s — i n stantly and for free. It’s exciting to be on the receiving end, witnessing live events unfold in real time, from politicians' victory speeches to history-making sporting events. And for many, it’s exciting to be behind the screen, filming our lives and sharing the video with our chosen audience. But for teenagers, live-streaming has a real downside. Unchecked, these apps offer limitless opportunity to livestream their lives, and their friends' and acquaintances’ lives. At a party? Hey, let’s broadcast it. In the locker room? Why not. With
POPULAR LIVE STREAMING SERVICES Facebook Live
Facebook’s recently launched live-streaming feature is integrated into its social network and allows replays to live on permanently. Facebook is a bit more conservative than other livestreaming services, only sending notifications to your close friends or for celebrities and pages, people who have interacted with them recently.
Periscope
Owned by Twitter, Periscope allows you to “explore the world through someone else’s eyes.” Using it is simple: You open the app, click broadcast, title your subject, start recording, and then your Twitter followers can tune right into your video feed. With Periscope, viewers can interact with the broadcaster in
real-time. Replays can only be watched for 24 hours.
Twitch
Owned by Amazon, Twitch is a video gamer's haven. In a typical month, more than 100 million community members gather to watch and talk about video games and view e-sports competitions with more than 1.7 million live broadcasters.
YouNow
Seventy-four percent of YouNow’s users are under 24. The service was designed to create personalities and foster fandoms around them. It has been successful in helping new music acts connect with fans. On its site, YouNow says it records 35,000 hours a day of live video and has 100 million user logins a month.
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LIVE STREAMING
these apps, perhaps more than ever, we are relying on our teenagers to make sound and responsible judgments, which of course some teenagers aren’t particularly adept at. “While I can imagine positive uses for live-streaming apps … I worry that they are one more way that teens are sending out messages with even less time for reflection about the repercussions,” says Michelle Cover, founder and executive director of MEDIAGIRLS, a non-profit that teaches middle-school girls to critique how girls and women are portrayed in mainstream media. “Parents need to be having discussions with their kids regularly about these kinds of
apps," she recommends. "I realize it can be overwhelming, but this is not a place to hope for the best.” So, what can parents do to help teens use live-streaming apps responsibly? Here are a few important tips: • Know which live-streaming services your kids are downloading. If you are unfamiliar with it, download the app and use it yourself. • Tell your kids they can always come to you if they have questions or concerns about their online activity or about other online users. • Make sure the geo-location is turned off. Instruct your teen to be aware of surroundings
and never to broadcast potential location markers, such as school or home address, in the background. • Tell them not to share their real names, age, phone number, or address. • Talk to them about thinking before they post. Will the video feed upset anyone? Have potential repercussions? • A sk them to never livestream another person without their consent. • E xplain that they should not agree to meet people through the app.
risks. In some of the apps, for example, anyone online can watch their live videos, take screenshots, and bully them with the recordings. • R andomly monitor your teenager’s activity. Parents need to stay vigilant. But, take comfort. While live-streaming video may seem new and potentially dangerous, for our digital-native teenagers, it is just another form of social networking. And, with your guidance, they can learn to use it safely and appropriately. n
• Review specifics on how the app works and potential
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MONEY MATTERS
7 Hidden Fees That are Easy to Avoid By Cathie Ericson
R
ecently, my son came home from an outing with friends, incensed that he had received a parking ticket. I’ll bet most parents can imagine the ensuing diatribe. It wasn’t his fault. The signs weren’t clearly marked. He shouldn’t have to pay a fine. He was so sure that the fee was undeserved that he intended to have the last word—by not paying it. Whoa, there, Mr. Right. A conversation quickly followed: Not paying was not an option, and the fee would continue to compound, turning his $44 oopsie into a bigbucks blight. That got me thinking about other fees, costs, and even purchases that teens might be unaware of until it’s
and 3GWatchdog. Burned through the limit? Check out data-free texting apps like Chomp SMS for Android and TextFree for iPhone. To avoid pricey dataoverage fees when traveling, turn off pop-up notifications and use the free Wi-Fi Finder app to track down local hotspots or turn on your phone's Wi-Fi locator to find a free Internet connection. Another option is to get your teen a prepaid wireless plan, says Kyle James, founder of Rather-Be-Shopping.com, a website that specializes in frugal living and personal finance. He particularly likes T-Mobile’s $30 a month plan. “The unlimited web and text is perfect for teens, and since they usually don’t talk that much, the 100-minute monthly talk limit is no
too late. We identified some common ones and went to the experts to get some advice on what teens should know. 1. DATA AND CELL PHONE FEES A 2015 study found that 25 percent of AT&T customers and 20 percent of Verizon customers said they had paid an overage charge within the past six months. We’re guessing teenagers were responsible for some of that. The best way to avoid these dreaded fees is by setting an alert on your phone through your wireless carrier, says Andrea Woroch, consumer and money-saving expert. You can also show your teenager how to track data usage using the built-in features on his iPhone or Android phone. Or try free apps like Onavo Count
biggie.” 2. CHECKING ACCOUNT OVERDRAFT FEES Many teens have been surprised to learn they can still write checks even when their accounts are empty. “Teens usually accrue overdraft fees for overdrawing small sums, often less than $20, so it’s a smart financial habit to routinely keep at least $100 in your checking account,” says James. It’s also smart to balance your checkbook, but teenagers aren’t always diligent in that department. So, it can’t hurt to help your teen put some fail-safes in place. Many banks offer an alert if a balance drops below a certain dollar amount, Woroch says. Also, ask your bank about overdraft protection, where funds from an-
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MONEY MATTERS
7 HIDDEN FEES
other savings account—or a credit card—are automatically transferred to cover overdrafts for a smaller fee than a bounced check. You may also have the option of disabling ATM withdrawals that would cause overdrafts. 3. CREDIT CARD LATE FEES “Check to see if your bank offers an automatic payment option that links your credit card to your bank account. Often you can set it up to pay full balance, minimum payment, or fixed amount,” says James. Otherwise, many cards allow you to set up alerts via email or text message when the payment date is approaching, says Woroch. It’s also smart to avoid opening too many cards in the first place. “Too many cards can lead to confusion
and cause you to miss payments. So don’t open up a store credit card to take advantage of a discount. It’s easier for teens to manage just one credit card,” she says. Naturally, any discussion of credit cards should include a lesson on why you should pay off your card each month to avoid getting stuck in a nasty interest-rate cycle. If they do miss a payment, teens should know they can request a courtesy for the late fee to be removed if they have a strong history of on-time payments. 4. FEES FOR USING CREDIT CARDS Your teen might not know that some apps, like digital wallet Venmo, charge a fee if you connect it to a credit card. “Link your bank account and use debit or cash
whenever possible to avoid those fees,” says Woroch. 5. ACCIDENTAL IN-APP PURCHASES In-app purchases can be sneaky. Jennifer Nieting learned this the hard way when her son Joe racked up $300 in in-app purchases on a popular game. He was able to get reimbursed by the app maker for his one-time purchase mistake. “But don’t make a habit of it,” Woroch advises. You can set restrictions for in-app purchases, including making them password-protected or completely disabling purchasing ability. 6. “TRIAL” PERIODS THAT GO ON AND ON Try Netflix or GameFly for free? Sure, why not? The problem is that most teens will likely forget to cancel
and get billed unnecessarily. “Set a calendar alert on your smartphone for the day before your trial ends so you can call and cancel,” James says. Also remind your teen that “30 days” is not necessarily a month. My son had a date of Nov. 30 in his mind to cancel something he’d bought on Oct. 30, but since there are 31 days in October, he was one day over. 7. SHIPPING FEES While most online retailers have some type of free shipping offer, many need to be accessed using a coupon code, and teens might just assume it is automatically applied. Search sites like FreeShipping.org or CouponSherpa.com to access discounts and free shipping. n
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TWEEN TALK
How to Get Your Kids to Do Chores
M
y son’s room is buried under an eruption of clothing. I can no longer tell what’s clean or dirty. I can barely even open the door to assess the situation, thanks to the pile of shoes behind it. When I recently called for a room cleanup, my son obliged by gathering armfuls of clothing and dumping them on the laundry room floor. I found pristinely folded shirts, swimsuits from summers ago, and winter coats all commingling in one big Mt. Laundrymore. Getting middle schoolers to contribute more around the house is a noble goal, but sometimes it seems to create more work than if they hadn’t “helped” at all. Kids should learn how to pitch in, but in a way that really does add value to the family. Here are my tips for getting your tween to do chores that actually help you. Decide what’s reasonable and helpful. Lots of my friends make their middle schoolers do their own laundry. I think that’s amazing, but not for me. I get hives thinking about the added cost of clothes shrinking, going unwashed, or lingering in the dryer for too long and getting in my way. I hate doing laundry, but I think I may hate other people doing the laundry more. I’ve taught them how, and they do it from time to time, but mostly laundry is not a chore I care to hand off to my kids. It’s just easier for me to manage.
By Michelle Icard
The point is, I choose chores that really are helpful, not a hindrance, to my way of life. For me, unloading the dishwasher is a major pain. I used to ask my kids to unload the dishwasher together every night, but that led to fights over who got the top or bottom rack and how the silverware would be split evenly. A couple weeks ago I started a rotation where each kid does the entire thing one night and then gets a night off. There have been no complaints since. Think about where you need help, what skills your kids need to learn, and what you’d rather handle on your own. I tell my kids they need to spend at least 15 minutes a day doing something that takes care of their space, and 15 minutes a day doing something that takes care of family space. Schedule a time to talk about chores. There were moments in the past, especially when my kids were younger, when I reached my limit and snapped. “You’ve got to pick this stuff up! We can’t live like this!” It didn’t work. Don’t wait until the last straw to yell at your kids to pitch in. Instead, take that list of chores and schedule a time to talk. The best time to ask for help is when things are going well. Kids like to feel like they're contributing and valued, and when you set expectations so that they can achieve those feelings, it’s a victory for you both.
Tell them how, set a deadline, and walk away. After Mt. Laundrymore happened, I asked my son what was going on with all the clothes in his room. Turns out that—no surprise—he doesn’t mind all the clothes lying around. But it also turns out that nothing fits in his dresser because—and this was a surprise— his dresser is full of clothes that are too small. I had forgotten how much he’d grown through middle school and how little we’d purged. So I handed my son two giant trash bags and relayed these instructions: “Hey, it’s time to organize these clothes. Here are some trash bags. You need to take all the clothes that don’t fit and put them in here. Then put all your good clothes in the dresser. It has to be done by 5.” I gave him three hours to do a 15-minute task. I made him repeat the details back to me. And then I left. No one likes being micromanaged. Perhaps he’ll do a great job or a terrible job … it doesn’t really matter. The point is that he’s gaining experience and I’m getting some help. Win-win. n Michelle Icard is the author of Middle School Makeover: Improving the Way You and Your Child Experience the Middle School Years. Learn more about her work with middle schoolers and their parents at MichelleintheMiddle.com.
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HOT TOPICS
Meet Julie Silver and Mary Connelly Julie Silver, a beloved singer-songwriter of contemporary Jewish music, and her wife, Mary Connelly, an executive producer on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, are raising two down-to-earth daughters amid all the glam and glitz of LA. We spoke with the duo to learn about the challenges they encounter as a same-sex couple raising children and how their lives are changing as their eldest approaches her teenage years. Do the two of you ever disagree about parenting tactics? Julie: One of the things about my marriage that I love the most is that we really reel each other in and let each other go. When Mary makes a decision that goes against what I would choose at the time, I will trust that she has a reason, and I’m open to her opinion. I would say that’s a strength of my marriage that when I disagree with Mary, I trust her. Do you tend to take on different roles in terms of being the disciplinarian versus the fun parent? Mary: We both try to approach discipline as learning situations. Our kids are both really funny so we try to use humor to steer them in the right direction. Julie: Mary is a producer and I’m a performer, so she’s behind the camera and I’m always in front of it. The skills I’m not as strong at, where she picks up, are organizational, big picture, alternatives, possibilities. She’s just really, really organized, and it’s not that I’m more 54
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fun than she is because I think Mary sets it up so we have this incredible runway to take off from. She really does do a lot of the disciplining, reeling our kids in a little, shortening the leash when it’s necessary. You both travel a lot for work. How do you balance your family and your careers? Julie: We have help. We have two wonderful people who work for us; they have been with us for years, and they are just amazing people, and we are really lucky and grateful. I work Friday-Monday, and Mary works Monday-Friday. The great thing about my schedule is that Monday-Thursday I’m around; I have a studio that I go to in Venice, but I’m around and on call, and I pick the kids up from school. Now that your oldest daughter, Sarah, is nearing her teenage years, are you at all worried? Mary: Well, I’m always worried about the eye-rolling. At this age, what I want to lay the groundwork for is that my kid
can tell me anything. I beg them not to lie to me. I work really hard to try to teach them that we are going to be their biggest advocates and their biggest protectors, even if that means a little punishment along the way for some bad behavior. Do you consider yourselves strict parents? Mary: I wouldn’t consider us terribly strict parents, but we feel like we have certain structures that we try to have in place for certain things to happen regularly to keep the order of the day. Sometimes our children feel like we are the meanest people in the world, but we just try to keep that order. For instance, Sarah does not have a cell phone, much to her dismay and chagrin. She finds it an abomination that she doesn’t have a cell phone. Everyone who has come before us says stay off it as long as you can. And Julie and I have very differing opinions on this. We have talked about getting her one just before the start of middle school.
Julie: I think it’s a good thing for her to have one. The ship has sailed in terms of the Internet and phones, and that’s just reality. I want her to know how to use devices responsibly. Do you worry about raising kids around all the wealth and fame in LA? Mary: I grew up in New York City going to private school in the NYC version of wealth and fame, and I think that it’s the parent’s responsibility to parent your family through that. When I was a kid, we didn’t have these extravagant things that people that I was going to school with had, and in many ways we maybe had different value systems. I think the same holds true in LA; you just have to parent to it. Every house my kids go into is bigger and fancier than the house they live in. Sarah will say, “I have the smallest room out of any of the kids I know.” And we have a house that we are very comfortable in; it’s not huge, and it’s not too small, and we can find everybody in it. We think that’s important, to be able to know where
everybody is in the house so you get a sense of what they are doing. Have you faced any challenges as a same-sex couple raising children? Julie: I'm standing in line with either daughter at the grocery store, and the checkout person says—and this happens all the time— “Oh my gosh your daughter looks just like you; does her father have big blue eyes?” Or “Oh, you two look just alike.” These two children are not biologically related to me; Mary carried our first one, and our second one we had via surrogate. So when people make comments, I have an obligation to say, “Sarah has two moms” to gently steer the conversation. Both of our girls can describe our family to strangers in less than two sentences with a whole lot of confidence! So if people are going to be making assumptions, then it’s our job to politely reverse the assumptions. How does Sarah feel about having two moms? Julie: She’s never uncomfortable. She
is an advocate for her moms. We are just incidentally lesbian for our kids. Sarah has gained a real perspective from watching us both work in our respective fields and seeing how we maneuver through life how we are. She’s never rebelled against it; she’s never said to us, “How is it possible?” Well, last year she asked where she came from, but it was such an easy conversation to have with her because you talk to your kid about how desperately wanted she was. And she knows it. Do you think children of same-sex couples tend to be more grounded? Julie: We can't speak for all of them, but we are surrounded by all kinds of families all the time--every shape and size under the sun. We believe it's that exposure and those personal connections that strengthen our daughters and ultimately, all our families. We want our girls to be confident, honest, creative problem solvers. We can't wait to see what the future brings. n
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SMALL STUFF
When Your Teen Gets Ditched by a Friend By Rebecca Meiser
T
o celebrate the culmination of middle school, the eighth graders at Tracy Brown’s* school always go on a class trip to Washington DC. Tracy was really looking forward to the trip—more for the social aspect than for the monument tours. She assumed, naturally, that she’d share a room with Allison, one of her best friends since childhood. Allison, however, didn’t have quite the same expectation, it turned out. Without Tracy’s knowledge, she had formed her own room—leaving Tracy out. Devastated, Tracy called her mom, Lisa, in tears. Outraged and betrayed on her daughter’s behalf, Lisa thought: I need to get involved. She called up the mom—a friend, someone she’d known since their daughters' kindergarten years—and explained the situation. “I’ll call you right back,” the mom said. It’s been three years, and Lisa is still waiting for that call back. “First, I was irate at the daughter, then I was furious at the mom,” she says, with anger still in her voice. To teenagers, friendships are everything. They provide both social support and proof of social status. When the bond is strong, teenagers feel stronger. “The social support that derives from friendship is a big contributor to a teen’s resiliency and well being,” says Dr. Tori Cordiano, a clinical psychologist and assistant director of the Center for Research on Girls at Laurel School in Ohio. So when a friend betrays you, it cuts right to the bone. As a parent, when your child is re-
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jected, often the first instinct—as Lisa’s was—is to jump into the fight. Cordiano urges restraint. “It’s incredibly painful to see your child suffering, but as parents, you are usually only hearing one side of the story,” she says. Getting involved doesn’t allow your child to learn important coping strategies. And with teenagers, stories and friendships change rapidly. “You don’t know where that relationship will go next week or next month or next year,” Cordiano explains. “If your teenager is back to being close buddies with that friend, it’s a hard spot to be in if you criticized him the day before.” The best thing you can do in the moment, experts advise, is to listen—and later help your teen reframe the situation. “When teenagers, especially girls, are feeling rejected, they have a tendency to go inside their heads and start thinking things, like, I’m not good enough. I don’t fit in. There’s something wrong with me,” says Dr. Tim Jordan, a Missouri-based developmental and behavioral pediatrician. As a parent, you can stop this snowball effect, by asking questions like, “It sounds like you are taking this personally and making it about you. Is it possible that it’s not about you? What else could it mean? How could you find out?” But if you see this same sort of situation re-occurring with a friend of your teen, it’s ok to share your observations. “You can say something like: It seems like a lot of times when you hang out with these friends, you often feel hurt. Have you noticed that?” says Cordiano.
“You want to reinforce to your teenagers that relationships should make you feel better. If they are making you feel worse, they are probably not the healthiest relationships.” And though many teens pine for a large social circle of friends, research has shown that the happiest teens are the ones who have a couple of friends— or even just one close friend—that they feel they can trust, says Cordiano. One of the reasons the topic of friendships is so particularly sensitive for parents is because they haven’t totally gotten over their own friendship scars. “I think for moms and dads, almost none of us emerge unscathed from social interactions as teenagers—and we might still be dealing with friend issues now,” Jordan says. And without even being aware, parents might be transferring their own feelings of anger and rejection onto their child’s situation. It’s something to look out for, Jordan advises. Ever since the Washington DC incident, Lisa has stopped trying to play the role of mediator in her daughter’s friendship drama. “I’ve seen a lot of adult friendships ruined over that,” she says. As Lisa knows, the need for friendships and social support doesn’t stop once you leave the teenage years. But that doesn’t mean hearing the stories gets any easier. “To this day, it’s really hard to stay impartial,” she admits. n *all names have been changed
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June 6 – July 15, 2016
2016 Camp & Course Offerings Discovery Camps (K*–4th) Adventure Camps (4th–7th) Fine Arts and Technology Chess Camp (USA Chess) Academics Environmental and Athletic Camps Experiential
Hospice of the Western Reserve offers a variety of camps in several convenient Northern Ohio locations throughout the summer. Grief camps provide the opportunity to be with others who are also grieving the death of a loved one. They’re expressive in nature and led by experienced facilitators in art, music, play and nature exploration.
To learn more or to request a registration packet, please call 216.486.6838 or visit hospicewr.org/camps.
Before r & Afte C a re ble Ava ila
Grades K*–12
Camps are open to ALL area students grades 1-12.
K*: Admitted Lake Ridge Academy Kindergarteners are invited to attend.
To view the full course catalog and register, visit www.lakeridgeacademy.org or call 440.327.1175 ext. 9141.
216.486.6838 |
37501 Center Ridge Road • North Ridgeville, OH 44039 440.327.1175 • www.lakeridgeacademy.org
hospicewr.org/camps
camp wise
watch me neigh neigh
Amazing Day Camp Experiences for Teens J-Teen Camp (Grades 6 -9) SIT (Staff in Training) (Grade 10) J-Teen Camp and the SIT program give teens the opportunity to develop leadership skills, all while having fun & memorable summer experiences.
give your teen an Unforgettable overnight Camp experience.
The J also offers Camp Options for Kids Ages 2- Grade 10 • Playland Day Camp, Ages 2 – 4 • J-Sports Camp, Grades 1 – 7 • Sports Academy, Grades 1 – 7
A summer at Camp Wise is filled with kayaking and jet skiing on our private lake, horseback riding, archery, mastering the high ropes course, creating pottery, performing and singing and more. With special out-of-camp trips and the opportunity to create their own daily schedule, teens are gaining confidence, having a blast, making life-long friendships, and strengthening their Jewish identity.
• Anisfield Day Camp, Grades K–5 • Performing Arts Camp, Grades K – 9 • Hebrew Immersion option, Grades K–3
26001 S. Woodland Road, Beachwood
register today Campwise.org (216) 593-6250 wisekids@mandeljcc.org
Voted Best Day Camp
(216) 593-6249 • daycamps@mandeljcc.org mandeljcc.org/daycamps
el mand jcc of eland clev
Mandel Jewish Community Center
Camp Wise is located 35 minutes east of Cleveland in Chardon, OH and is open to kids grade 2-10
YOUR TEEN
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MAY-JUNE 2016
57
SNAPSHOT
WARNING!
You are Never Truly Unsupervised! By Leslie Blanchard
M
y sons, ages 18 and 16, have a bounty on their heads this week. I'm posting “Wanted” signs with their pictures on them at the gates of our neighborhood, like people do when they've lost their cat. Have You Seen These Boys? Report Any Suspicious Behavior by calling (555) 555-5555. Before you start feeling sympathetic or—heaven forbid—embarrassed for them, know that they brought this situation on themselves. Oh sure, they're good boys, as far as teenage boys go. They're mostly A students, who've never had a brush with the law (save a speeding ticket or two). But, they have recently chosen to stage a mutiny by rejecting 58
YOUR TEEN
the complimentary babysitting services their grandmother generously bestows upon our family whenever my husband and I travel out of town. They insist that they are mature enough now to look after themselves. The little ingrates. "We don't need a babysitter! We’re not babies!" protested my youngest (aka: The Baby). I guess he has a point. After all, when was the last time anyone saw a baby wearing headphones, dropping F-bombs, killing aliens online, and holding a Pepperoni Hot Pocket in one hand while texting in a group chat with the other? An actual baby couldn't do that— this requires a sophisticated skill set a baby wouldn't have. Opting for a gentler path of persuasion, my older son
| MAY-JUNE 2016
recounted how, the last time my mother watched them, she made him change out of his gym clothes into a "nicely pressed pair of slacks" and an oxford dress shirt before he walked across the street to his friend's house, because no grandson of hers was going to "run around the neighborhood looking like a vagabond!" So after exhaustive deliberation on our part, we've agreed to let them stay here, on their own, unsupervised. Sort of … As a veteran parent of 29 years, I believe the key to leaving your teens home alone for a few days is traumatizing them into "Self-Policing." A parent must accomplish this years in advance by convincing their children at an early age that they are never, ever
truly unsupervised. They must come to believe that you have “moles” planted strategically all over town, that they're basically being raised in a fish bowl. You must raise them to believe that if, for some odd reason, you didn't witness a transgression, someone who did will phone it right in. One clever way I accomplished this: When my children would report something random that happened at school, I often pretended I already knew about it. It didn't matter if their story was about a classmate who got sent to the principal’s office or a kid who vomited during Circle Time, I acted as if I already knew. As they got older, I pretended to know who French-kissed whom at middle school par-
ties. As I negotiated my minivan out of a parking space, I would nod and say, "Oh yeah, I heard about that!" (Needless to say, I had not heard about it, as I had been buried under an avalanche of laundry for at least 15 years.) I proudly credited a phantom organization I called the "Underground Parent Network" as my chief source of information. My kids perceived the UPN as a legitimate and viable threat to all of their juvenile delinquent urges and grew up with a healthy respect and fear of it. I'm relying on my initial investment in my children's collective social paranoia to keep their behavior in check. Nonetheless, I'm not leaving anything to chance. I am working on a list of all the things I need to do before I leave, to ensure unimpeachable behavior in my absence.
1. Offer a cash reward to anyone who calls in reporting suspicious activity—similar to Crime-Stoppers. 2. Email my friends a list of their "drive-by" shift assignments.
YouTH CHAllenge:
A Place for Teen Volunteers to Have Fun, Find Friends & Make a Difference.
3. Install “ManyCams” (google it) strategically around the house that stream directly to our iPads and laptops. But just in case ... if you happen to see anything that looks the slightest bit "askew” over at our place, don't hesitate to call. I'll see to it there's a little reward in it for your trouble. You are a member of the UPN, aren't you? n
Does your teen need service hours? Contact us today to see how your teen can get involved.
Leslie Blanchard is a wife of one and a mother of five successful kids (ages 16 to 29) and writes a blog called, “A Ginger Snapped: Facing The Music of Marriage And Motherhood." Read more of her work at agingersnapped.com.
(440) 892-1001 • youthchallengesports.com PRogRaMS on botH tHe eaSt anD WeSt SiDeS of ClevelanD
east Side: 19910 Malvern Road, Shaker Heights West Side: 800 Sharon Drive, Westlake
Summer Fare... • Gourmet Sandwiches & Fresh Salads • Homemade Soups & Pastries •Espresso & Specialty Coffee Drinks • Hearth-Baked Artisan Breads • Catering & More!
28601 Chagrin Blvd. | Eton | 216-831-3630 2267 Lee Rd. | Cleveland Hts. | 216-932-3003 1301 E. 9th St. | Galleria at Erieview | 216-621-8801
YOUR TEEN
|
MAY-JUNE 2016
59
ALL ABOUT ME Must it always be about them? All About Me is a chance to talk about something other than your teen—finally.
Now Who’s Being Embarrassing? By Stephanie Schaeffer Silverman
It started with the American Music Awards back in the fall. Unlike my rockin’ husband and three music-loving children, I am, at best, “meh” on music. I prefer our local NPR station—in fact, so much so that my middle one jokes my favorite song is the opening music to the “Diane Rehm Show.” #nerd. I was probably reading the Sunday newspaper and had the television on in the background, when they announced Justin Bieber’s upcoming performance. Justin Bieber—the guy who trashed a paintball place and got arrested for drag racing a rented vehicle. Everyone hates this dude. I didn’t even realize the guy was still— What the what? The crowd is going crazy, swinging their light sticks, singing along: What do you mean … better make up your mind? Didn’t everyone hate—whoa—That guy can move! Wow, this beat is kind of catchy—I love this guy! I hit ‘record’ quickly, knowing I will want to rewatch this. Enter the husband. “What are you watching?” “Justin Bieber is killing it!” I exclaim. 60
YOUR TEEN
| MAY-JUNE 2016
“You’ve got to see this. They’re going crazy for him.”
“Is it too late now to say sorry?” I croon, imitating my boy again.
Mr. Coldplay/Beatles/Bono fan eyes me quizzically. His eyes say this dude’s a punk, but I can see he is curious about said punk.
“Really Mom, I mean it—this is really embarrassing.” I look around the car confirming there isn’t a gaggle of kids I had forgotten about.
“No, really hon, killing it.”
“I know I let you down, is it too late to say sorry now?” She is trying to claw her way out of the car now.
“Yeah, he can move, I guess, “ he admits, throwing me a bone. Within weeks they are playing every song from his new CD on the radio—every time Sorry comes on, I am cranking the radio, hitting the steering wheel, singing along. So much catchier than the Diane Rehm tune. Enter the teenager. “Oh my god, Mom, this is so embarrassing,” she mutters, threatening to turn the radio off. “What do you mean?” I sing to her, mimicking the lyrics to my new hero’s song. I wonder if Tiger Beat has a poster of Justin I can put in my room. Probably time to take down the Rick Springfield one anyway. I think her eyes are rolled so far back they are going to get stuck in the back of her head.
I think back to her 5th birthday party, when she loudly asked me whether the entertainer was a boy or girl. And the time she “outed” me on some news I wasn’t ready to share, or even the time we walked into Starbucks and she announced this was not our “usual” coffee store—“this isn’t the coffee store!”— nope, none of that was embarrassing. Even if my singing was embarrassing, doesn’t this count as payback? I couldn’t help but wonder if the tables were turning and I was finally getting a turn. Also, was embarrassing an upgrade from annoying? I have to admit that embarrassing seemed like a downgrade. I had gotten so good at annoying, I wanted to master something new. Hey, if Justin Bieber could re-invent himself, couldn't I? n
“
TOLEDO H AS HELPED ME DISCOV ER TH AT LIFE IS MORE A BOU T WHO YOU WA NT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP, R ATHER TH A N WH AT YOU WA NT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP.
”
DISC Biology major, Chemistry and Business minors ’17 College of Natural Sciences and Mathematics
OVERY TO A GRE ATER DEGREE
> UTOLEDO.EDU/GREATERDEGREE
LE AR N MOR E ABOUT HOW UT H ELPS STUDENTS LIK E ANDR E A DI SCOV ER TH EIR POTENTIAL AT
Bellefaire JCB 22001 Fairmount Blvd. Shaker Heights, Ohio 44118
NON-PROFIT ORG US POSTAGE PAID CLEVELAND, OH PERMIT NO. 355
START NOW! Learn what you need Earn what you deserve Save more than you think
www.tri-c.edu/startnow 216-987-6000 15-0959
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