626 Capricorn Road The New Year Club
JANUARY 2019
A 92ARTIST Productions Publication
CONTENTS
pg 8 Message from the Editor
pg 50 Echoes of Stillness Hearing Nothing but Bliss
pg 10 This Month’s Theme “The New Year Club Mantra”
pg 68 Silhouette Fever Our Future Has Been Outlined
pg 12 Welcome to the New Year Club Please Enjoy Your Stay
pg 86 Winter Beauty Here Comes the Cold Front
pg 32 Reclaiming the Past Leave Nothing Behind
pg 104 SONGS THAT INSPIRED THIS ISSUE Our January Issue Playlist
FEATURES pg 24 This is Invite Only pg 36 The Definition of Redemption
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pg 52 Wading in Your Bathwater pg 58 Old Habits Die Young
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WRITING pg 18
Welcome Home pg 40
Too Hard to Let Go pg 46
We Always Look to the Sky for Answers pg 63
I Left You Too Many Times pg 72
Wrong Doings pg 76
It’s a New Feeling pg 80
Self-Discovery is for Amateurs pg 90
I’ve Always Been in Love with Winter pg 96
Reflection is a Power Tool Used in Winter pg 100
The First Snowfall 4
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CREDITS Website: www.626capricornroad.com Instagram: @626capricornroad Tumblr: 626capricornroad.tumblr.com Twitter: @626CapRoad Facebook: 626 Capricorn Road Pinterest: 626capricornroad Photography by: Ceirra Burton Written Work by: Ceirra Burton
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MESSAGE FROM THE EDITOR Hey everyone! My name is Ceirra Burton, and I am the creator and editor-in-chief of 626 Capricorn Road. Thank you so much for taking the time to read the January 2019 issue of 626 Capricorn Road. This month’s theme is “The New Year Club.” Every year, we tell ourselves that the new year is going to provide us with a brand new start and that everything we have accomplished or not accomplished the previous year is going to either continue blessing us with new opportunities or strike us down with the fear of failure. We make resolutions because believe by coming up with a plan to solve the problems of yesteryear, we’ll find ourselves in a happier place. Yet, what happens when we get through first two weeks of the new year and out resolution high comes crashing down and we find ourselves in a new year’s slump because we didn’t stick to all the things we said we were going to change about ourselves this year. So, by the end of the month, we believe we have failed ourselves. This issue is an exploration of those feelings of regret, guilt, and disappointment, not only in ourselves, but in the people we hoped would keep us accountable. However, it isn’t their responsibility to keep us in check, but we all need someone to blame to keep those feelings of shame from seeping into our minds and destroying the hope we have for redeeming ourselves for the rest of the year. So, without further ado, let’s become acquainted with “The New Year Club.” 8
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The New Club M Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the New Year Club. This is an exclusive offer. Only those who are worthy enough may become a member. No unsolicited submissions allowed. Except for you. All we ask for in exchange is your undivided loyalty. Do not discuss what occurs within this club. The private nature of our entity must remain sacred. Outsiders unwanted. Exclusivity is a choice, and we worship it as if it’s our religion. Speak your mind with abandon but take in strides the judgment of your words. It is a place to be free. Promoting change and driving out weariness. Free your soul from the constraints of societal norms. It’s the chance for you to start over a fresh start to a new beginning. Can you handle that? If you can’t, this is not the club for you. Indecisiveness is infectious. You either want to learn about yourself, or you don’t. There’s no back and forth. Make a decision and stick with it. Self-exploration comes with the assurance that putting yourself first is the right choice. Every time January 1st comes around, we ask ourselves “who do I want to be this year and how do I want to get there?” 10
Every time January 1st comes around, we ask ourselves “who do I want
w Year Mantra to be this year and how do I want to get there?” Old habits should stay in the past. New habits form when your mind is at ease. Clarity makes its home in your mind. Wander takes the place of tears in your eyes. Freedom stains your lips. Tranquility rests in your bones. A new light bathes your skin, and you can express your wants and needs without trepidation. We shout our resolutions towards the sky because if we say them aloud, they become real. “This is what I want to do for the next 12 months. This is who I want to become for the rest of my life. This year will be different. I’m not going to let outside noise distract me for my journey within. Self-reflection is quintessence. It’s hard to concentrate when critics are knocking at my door.” “This year, I’m not going to make the same mistakes. I’m not going to give up on myself anymore. In the past, I’ve always put others first. Never allowing myself the same attention.”
“This year is going to be mine.”
Yes, but what will you exchange in return? What are you willing to give up to succeed in this world? What are you willing to sacrifice to make everything come true.
Do you know the answer?
If so, welcome to the club. If not, then I reckon you have some work to do. 11
e h t o t e m o c l e W b u l C r a e Y w e N
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Please Enjoy Your Stay
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Do You Think You’ll Get a “Welcome Home?” 18
You’re coming home for the first time in five years. You haven’t seen your family face-to-face since you left. But, it’s time for you to be more involved. Making an effort to care about what’s going on in everyone’s lives. You keep in touch here and there, but not like your family would prefer. You purposefully miss their calls. You don’t reply to texts, emails, or dms. There is a disconnect between you and family. A detachment that’s been there as long as you can remember. Your perspectives are different. You’re a free-spirit with a desire to turn your passion for art into a career. You would instead choose instability over monotony. It carries over into your personal life. You explore your desires on a fluid spectrum versus a traditional one. You want to meet new people and have new adventures. Your family wants you to start settling down. You’re at the age where most of your elders got married and began building a family. You want to travel. Explore new cultures and find yourself through a wanderer’s lens. Many heated conversations commenced with your beliefs being under attack. You believe in freedom of expression. Speaking your mind without fear of consequence. “We can’t tolerate tolerance anymore. Speaking our truth and living our best life is most important.” You start to become nervous about how they’re going to react to you. Although, you decided to come back to present a new-and-improved version of yourself. Not the naive little girl you left you behind.
Will they embrace you? It’s possible.
Or will they shame you? Most likely.
You’re anticipating days of endless lectures. They’ll criticize you about your newfound sense of self. You feel like you’ve had this drive and ambition. Your family never opened their eyes to see it. 19
Your Uber finally pulls up to your childhood home. You get your things and get out of the car, thanking the driver as you close the door. Everything looks the same as how you remembered it. A cookie-cutter home with a false representation of the American dream. Lying dormant on the front yard. You take a deep breath before ascending the front porch steps. It’s not too late to change your mind, but turning around would be cowardice. You get to the door and take another deep breath.
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Here goes nothing. 3. 2. 1. Knock. Knock. Knock.
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This Is Invite Only
“Did you need something?” “I’m here to see the show.” “Where’s your invite?” “I didn’t know I needed one.” “This is invitation-only — exclusivity of the highest honor. No invite. No entry.” “You can’t be serious.” “Show me your invite.” “I told you I didn’t have one.” “Then you have to leave.” “This is ridiculous. No one said anything about an invite.” “This isn’t up for discussion. You can’t come in.” “This isn’t fair. Since when do you get to make up the rules?” “I’m the keeper of this entrance. Only those who have something of value to offer may enter. This is my life. I decide who gets to walk in and walk out of it.” “Your life? I thought this was an open mic night?” “You think my life’s lived for your entertainment? Something for you to digest for a couple of hours and then leave with no return date?” 25
“I’m confused.” “You don’t get the right to show up unannounced and act like everything remained the same as when you left.” “I’m sorry to do we know each other? Is that why you’re getting super defensive?” “You’ve burned me too many times. Now I’m standing my ground.” “What are you talking about?” “You don’t get a say in how I live my life. Your opinions aren’t valid anymore.” “My opinions? Do we know each other?” “You don’t know? You’re the critic who judges people’s livelihood. You get a kick out of tearing people down.” “What are you-. Wait. Did you come to me when you were at your lowest point?” “Yes, I did.” “Did I help you?” “No. You didn’t.” “Why?” “You judged me for my faults and pushed me away. Then used the internet to vent your feelings about my dependency.” “And how did that make you feel?” 27
“Hurt. Alone. Betrayed.” “I’m sorry if you felt that way.” “Now you know. Consider this the last time you see my face again.” “You’re going to turn me away because of something I did in the past?” “You turned me away when I needed you.” “Let me in. I promise I will make it up to you.” “No.” “Are you serious?” “You can stand there and pretend not to understand what I’m saying, but I know you do. You thought you had more time to redeem yourself.” “I’m sorry if I hurt you. I’m a different person now.” “That’s what they all say. But you’re not.” “So, what is this mean? “That I’ve entertained you long enough. Nothing you say will change what you did. Leave and never come back.” “You’re going to regret this.” “Funny. I said the same words to you.”
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Reclaiming
Leave Nothi
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the Past
ing Behind
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The Definition of Redemption
The new year has finally arrived. My decision is final. It’s time for me to move on.
I’ve been wrestling with thoughts of leaving for the past few months. We are not suitable for each other anymore. We’ve built too many walls.
We need separation. Not a temporary fix, but a permanent solution.
“This isn’t how I pictured starting over. What’s running through your mind right now?”
“Why do you feel the need to do this now?”
“The truth is I never thought I would allow us to get it this far. I never thought I’d let my guard down and you destroyed me. I couldn’t see myself beyond you because you always made me smile. You gave me joy and laughter during dark times. Easing the pain of my fractured heart. I’ve tried mending it, but now it’s completely shattered. Irreparable and unrecognizable. I’ve looked at myself in the mirror a countless number of times disgusted by the face staring back at me. Dull features. Dreary eyes. A worn-out smile sitting on tired lips. I can’t help how I feel anymore.” This conversation is becoming too much for me now. It’s time for me to say goodbye. There’s no alternate ending. You’ll find the strength to move on. You’ll find someone who can handle the weight of your apprehension. You’ll make amends with your past sins and mistakes. Starting over and improving your life once you forgive yourself. 36
That’s what I’m doing for me — forgiving myself for allowing you to take advantage of my heart. Falling in love isn’t easy, but falling out of love is the hardest thing anybody can do.
Now it’s time to take that leap of faith.
I don’t know where I’m going yet. But I know that once I get there, you and I will both be happier I left.
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Too Hard to Let Go
Meeting you was the best, life-changing thing that ever happened to me. A life-altering memory to keep in my head. When you fell in love with me, I thought you were deceiving. Setting up a lie and I would be the punchline. But you made sure my heart remained intact. Serenading me with your song of love. I’ve dreamt of that moment a thousand times before it finally came true.
Now the new year has begun, and I’m not sure you’re a good fit for me anymore.
The spark in our relationship’s gone. No more in-depth discussions seducing my mind. Small Talk with sadness and reflection has become our vocal currency. Our body language speaks louder than our tongues. Shoulder shrugs have become the verb of choice. It drives me more insane than your kindness once did. There’s no effort to our relationship anymore. We used to have high energy adventures. Now it’s more of a walkabout with no end in sight.
That’s what hurts me the most.
I miss the spontaneity and the attention to detail. Everything became predictable.
I can feel myself falling out of love with you. I know you feel the same way.
Is this what heartbreak feels like? To believe everything you do becomes a burden to someone else. Love is in the same letter structure as hate. Your fears projected onto one another and used as tactics in your arguments. We’re playing a game of relationship roulette, and the bullet is the end of our relationship.
Is this how we should feel?
Like the world around you became colorless.
I’ve thought about our recent conversations. I speak first, then you. My rebuttal, your counter-argument. I bring up examples, and you shut them down with your evidence. 41
We don’t belong to each other anymore. We are only hurting one another from the pain of prolonging this any further. Maybe we jumped into this too fast. Last year, we were full of optimism. This year, we’re having a hard time letting each other go. It shouldn’t be this hard. We should be able to find common ground. So what can we do to fix this?
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We Always Look to the Sky for Answers We always look up to the sky for the answers to our problems. Why is that? Are we’re searching for something greater than ourselves? We find ourselves looking up when we’re feeling down. Do you ever wonder if you’re doing the right thing? Or if you could get a sign that things are going to get better? You don’t have to be religious to seek out help from a higher being. You can look up and vocalize your thoughts. Reflecting on all the drama taking over your life.
Losing a job.
Losing a best friend.
Losing your home.
Feeling lost.
It’s in these moments where we try to find something to guide us or point us in the right direction. Everyone believes in something. But we have to start believing in ourselves. Good, bad, or indifferent. We have to be the ones to decide what’s best for us. It’s okay not to know what that means, but looking within is a great place to start. Life is about taking risks. Doing things for yourself and believing it’s going to add value to your life. Something is going to come to you when you least expect it. It takes time. It only takes a moment to stop and think and feel everything’s going to be alright even when it’s not. The sky is vast and endless. Shouldn’t our hopes and dreams be the same way? 46
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Echoes o
Hearing Noth
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of Stillness
hing but Bliss
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Wading in Your Bathwater
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My goal last year was to fall in love with your sins. I fell hard and deep in love with the wrong person. This year, I vowed to cleanse myself. I grew weary with doubts of feeling loved and cherished. I prayed to wash away the turmoil we faced last year. Your arrogance towards my withering heart broke me down. I wish to find someone more respectable and dignified versus brash and careless. This dirty bath water is starting to overflow. All my filth became too much for this tub. I can’t seem to pull the plug on us. It’s as if I’m not meant to run away from the past. I’m not deserving of a second chance. Second chances only happen to good boys and girls. I can’t take this much longer. My mind’s numb from all your selfishness. 53
The darkness I’ve endured at the expense of my happiness. Why is it every time I try to start over, I find myself back in the same spot? Looking around and witnessing my peers fall in love with the right person. Then again, I did decide to pursue you. I ignored the warning signs and threw away the instruction manual. Everything was falling apart before I even jump into bed with you. Falling into your arms and stealing your heart, leaving mine on your bedside table. What is it about us that draws us into each other like a magnetic force. Then created love out of chaos. There’s no end in sight. How can I rid these feelings of guilt? What saving grace do I have?
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Old Habits Die Young
“The truth will set you free.”
I’ve heard this phrase many times. It comes from those who aren’t attracted to sin.
“Let your inhibitions go and fall deep into your desires.” said the faithful and the free-spirited.
“Don’t hold back.” said the courageous as they jumped off the cliff of insecurities.
“Be free.” said the dreamers with their head in the clouds.
“Fly away as far as you can go.” said the wanderers hell-bent on never living a life full of regrets.
“Live the life you’ve always dreamed of.” said my present age group.
Yet, I don’t believe in these proclamations? Why can’t I bring myself to accept these mantras? How do I become my own person? These habits of mine are hindering me from starting over. I can’t handle being stuck in neutral anymore. I’ve always had a problem with my life. Wanting to run away, but when I do, I’m filled with regret and disappointment. Angry for not embracing escapism. I would appreciate some guidance. Something original and not repeated for the masses. To propel me forward towards a place of pure happiness. A place with a new class of wanderers and dreamers. Those who have an undying devotion to their aspirations. 58
Is that place still open for business?
I’ve Left You Too Many Times Here we go again. We’re back at the starting point with the checkered flag raised up high. How many times do we have to run this race before I leave once and for all? We’re too old for these games and living life with reckless abandon. I can’t spring back as quick anymore. The elasticity of my heart is too worn down. I’ve suffered too many consequences. Have the rules changed for us or stayed the same? Year-to-year we are stuck repeating history. Thinking we’re moving forward, but moving two steps back. Why haven’t we surrendered to the inevitable? “I want out.” “You do?” “Let me out.” “You want to leave?” “Let me go.” “You want to be in the arms of someone else?”
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“I want to leave now.” “Please stay.” I can’t survive another year of this never-ending game of tug-of-war. I’ve had too many failed resolutions. It’s exhausting having to lift you when I can’t even lift myself anymore. My strength is gone. I’m only a fragment of my brighter self. But I find myself craving the pain of your love. A drug addiction I wasn’t prepared for. This year will be different. Otherwise, repeating the cycle would send my emotions to the grave.
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PLEA
PHO
HE
ASE
OTO
ERE
Silhouette Fever
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Our Future Has Been Outlined
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Wrong
Doings A loss is a fickle component in a game of love. But why is love a game? Are we testing our loyalty to each other? Or our hearts? We have to pay for our sins. But is love a sinful act? Or a sinful mannerism? Who will be the judge, jury, and executioner? What is our sentence? How will we go about fresh starts away from each other?
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Will the new year brand us as fools of lover’s mischief? Or are we destined to repeat this past year? My health is declining from the wait. It’s hard to breathe with anticipation filling my lungs. I cannot repent with the silence hovering over me like a dark rain cloud. I can’t go on much longer in solitary confinement. Where are they going to send us? Will it be before the clock strikes midnight? Is there enough time for redemption? Or must we become the sinners we’re destined to be?
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Can you feel it? That feeling of being able to be whoever you want? It’s a rarity around here. Most people stay the same. I prefer to change with the times. Moving forward with a progressive outlook on life. Others look to the past with a nostalgic lens.
It’s a New Feeling 76
Searching for memories to replicate in the present. My present self is in a constant state of change. Open and inviting Never introverted or secluded. It’s a joyous feeling. Choosing a path without the weight of conformity worrying my mind. I’m in control.
There’s no pushing, pulling or separating. Only lifting and supporting. It’s a little unorthodox. Making impactful changes to your life. It’s addicting. It’s a feeling of confoundment. Superseding anything I’ve ever felt in my entire life. Don’t you want to have this feeling too?
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Self-Discovery is for Amateurs Self-discovery around the new year is a mental hazard. You have to look inward and fall into the dark depths of your soul. It is an excruciating process. No one should have to go through alone. But people take the journey as a means to end old habits. Erasing memories that influence their decision-making. This process is such a hypocrisy. You can choose to change, but you’ll still become the same person. You can discover new things about yourself, but feel stuck in place. You want to live the life you deserve. 80
But you believe that life is made for someone else. A role you weren’t meant to play. They cast you because the leading actor dropped out. But, don’t believe the mindless chatter. Look within, and you’ll have all the answers. This is such a painful process for spiritual cleanliness. Nothing scares you more than realizing your truth. You’ve either compartmentalize those thoughts or wished away in the night. They tell us self-discovery is for amateurs. You can’t define it unless you’re willing to put a face to the name. You can change. I should know. I’ve done this before.
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Winter Beauty Here Comes the Cold Front
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I’ve Always Been in Love with Winter I’ve always been in love with winter. It is the coldest part of the year. But it adds an unexpected warmth to my life. Let the snow fall and become a shield for Mother Nature. Dreary days and gray skies compete against holiday cheer. A time for colorless reflection. The dead of nature lies bare before your eyes. You wonder if your life matches the dead scenery surrounding you. If it’s as bare and empty as you perceive it. Transparency frightens most people, but I say embrace it. Let it be a moment to bring you a sense of comfort and closeness. Let your fears melt away and take its place among the withered leaves. Winter is a time of death and rebirth. Let this be the time you give into the changing of the times. I’ve always been in love with winter. It’s the only season that gets me. 90
Reflection is a Power Tool Used in Winter Winter is a reminiscent time of year. What happens when our environment doesn’t match our holiday cheer? Do we ignore it? Or do we prescribe ourselves frosted rose-colored glasses? We cherry-pick our moods and memories like flowers picked from a bountiful garden. We feed off the good times and scare of the bad ones. Reflection comes to us when we least expect it. We use it to purify our lives. Bathing in clarity and chasing levity to alleviate the pain we’ve endured this past year. Peace of mind is more valuable than a weary one. Empathy in the dead of winter is a necessity for self-improvement. Everyone has their own method of reflection. It is a power tool used when you needed the most. Or when you least expect it. 96
The First Snowfall 100
The first snowfall is upon us. Winter is here, and it brought a newfound beauty with it. Crisp, white blankets of snow covering the death of nature. It’s a beautiful sight to behold. I sit by my window, and I watch the snow makes a graceful landing after its long-awaited trip from the sky. Peace still has a place in this world after autumn’s departure. I envy the snow. I never understood its ability to grab our attention and persuade us to believe in its magic. The snow has an irresistible charm that rivals natural human behavior. Mysterious yet comforting. It has an elegance I wish to own. To be able to stop time and force others to gaze upon my presence. Winter has always been my favorite season. A time for soul-baring reflection. A surge of calming energy runs through me as I continue to watch the snowfall. A sign unbeknownst to me that everything is going to be alright. I’ve endured so much this past year I didn’t know if I would be able to put myself back together. But I fight to remain focused on the present. Focus on this moment right here. The snow represents transience. Nothing is permanent. Not even this moment. I continue to watch the snow, drenched with clarity. I am focusing on nothing but this moment right here. 101
Light Rail Coyote - Sleater-Kinney Dig Me Out - Sleater-Kinney Surface Envy - Sleater-Kinney From a Closet in Norway (Oslo Blues) - You + Me Change - Banks Dark Paradise - Lana Del Rey Gravity - John Mayer In Repair - John Mayer Echoes of Silence - The Weeknd Stop This Train - John Mayer Pink + White - Frank Ocean Mr. Rogers - Travis Garland Entitled - Leighton Meester
Songs That Inspired this Issue
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I Can Only (ft. Alessia Cara) - JoJo Sleep Like a Child - Joss Stone Take the Box - Amy Winehouse LA - Leighton Meester
The High Road – JoJo
Sunday Morning - Maroon 5
City Lights – JoJo
Down - Chloe x Halle
Entertain – Sleater-Kinney
Weary - Solange
A New Wave - Sleater-Kinney
Capricorn - Elderbrook
Start Together - Sleater-Kinney
Bathwater - No Doubt
We Are Always Open
This is it.
Last call for everything. It is time to say our goodbyes. You’ve made it to the end of our ritual. I hope your journey was insightful and fulfilling. And you opened your eyes to the dark side of the new year. A time where reflection meets suspicion. Where self-judgment can turn your goals into failed resolutions. Belittling your dreams and making them feel like washed-up fantasies. Re-invention is not in our nature. Resisting change is in our DNA. There are no rule books, but everybody is quick to tell you how to live your life. There’s no right time to start over. If done right, you’ll change your life for the better. You’ll learn from your mistakes and use them as lessons for your future. It’s for your eyes only. Take what you need and leave everything and everyone else behind. I hope this new year gives you everything you want. If it does, we will see you again next year. 110
Don’t lose your invite or you won’t be able to come back.
Next Issue
“Seeing Red”
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