Deep-London Xmas 2009 - January 2010 by angela ferrara

deep online at: www.deep-london.co.uk • www.issuu.com • facebook • www.myspace.com/wiredmag • @bonsai_editor Welcome... ...to issue 73. Well hello there! Long time no see! How are you? Did you miss us? We missed you. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Don’t ask. It’s nice to be back at last. As is the way of these things you may be hoping that during our enforced hiatus we’ve been busy honing our skills and have burst into new life as a slick, professional outfit. Well frankly, no we haven’t because, firstly, where’s the fun in that? And secondly, and most importantly, all of our time has been spent trying to ensure that we burst into new life at all. Like I said, don’t ask. Yes, it’s been a tough year all round, but hey, it’s Christmas, and very nearly a new year, and a new decade, in fact - unless you want to be pedantic and point out that the new decade doesn’t actually start until next year, which we don’t. No, as far as we’re concerned the new decade starts next week, and we’re looking forward to things getting exponentially better as the days get longer, as I should imagine, are most of you. So, what have we come up with to mark our regeneration? Well, you’ll be either happy, disappointed or not at all surprised to learn it’s much the same old rubbish you’ve come to know and love over the last six and a bit years, with a couple of festive additions and a new fun ongoing competition for eagle-eyed drinkers, er, readers.... You may notice also that this issue runs right the way through to the end of January. This is mainly because nothing really happens in January, because this isn’t strictly a December issue, more a Christmas / New Year affair and because we’ve been a bit out of the loop and need a bit of time to dive back into it. Normal monthly service will resume in February, when we’ll be right back in the swing and I’ll have remembered how to put one of these together. Well, you never know your luck. Oh, and before you ask, that is not a picture of me on the cover. Anyway, we’d just like to take a minute here to say thank you to everyone who’s asked how and where we were, lent their support and in some cases much more to get Deep back where it belongs as Croydon’s premier, and indeed only, half-baked monthly listings guide, to the Croydon Advertiser for running a very nice piece on us and to everyone else who’s been nice to us. We hope you’re glad we’re back, because we’re glad we’re back, and we look forward to getting out and about as normal over the next few weeks, saying hello, having a pint and generally returning to the booze-soaked hinterland that was our previous existence. Can’t wait! Until then, though, we hope you have a marvellous Christmas and New Year, look after yourselves and we’ll see you all again in February. Happy crimbo, avanti and allons-y! Angela x cairngorm macwomble ferrara

Xmas 09 / Jan 2010 Issue Seventy Three Contact Us: editor: angela ferrara tel: 07910 506197 e: angela@deep-london.co.uk staff and contributors: mystic mike, auntie may, lazy-boy, nick booth, wendy freer, croydonhello! editor: nick razzo e: hello@deep-london.co.uk advertising sales: call angela on 07910 506197 or e-mail angela@deep-london.co.uk publishing & design: deep-london web hosting: europahost, 94 southbridge road, south croydon, CR0 1AF, tel: 0845 644 1484. www.europahost.net random thanks: jean, tony, marie, jamie; nick, bea, mik, olive from on the buses, roxanna at kensington, the oval bbq massive, graeme, paul, the ‘smug’ inauguaral players, joe, hannah and size nine, nikki at the advertiser, everyone else happy belated actual birthday: daisy bulled, sydney ford alltimes-holdsworth. congratulations: joe and hannah, nick happy xmas and new year.: everyone r.i.p: ewarwoowar

GET YOUR EVENT LISTED: e-mail: ANGELA@ DEEP-LONDON.CO.UK what’s on listings are absolutely free!

Last date for inclusion in February issue -

20th January 2010

XMAS 2009 / JANUARY 2010

THIS MONTHS FEATURES: Festive Monsters

Deep Awards 2009

Nuts To It!

A Christmas Ghost Story

Lost Croydon Pubs The Croydon

The Agony

CROYDONHELLO!

Brighton Golden Man Croydon IT Girl John ‘Creepy’ Chambers Undercover Love Puffs

28 30 30 33 34

The Year In Pictures 45-55

Where’s Groove?

Nick Reeves

Stars

Lazy Boy

LISTINGS: What’s On Guide

Monstrous Christmas... Fed up with Goodwill to all Men? Let Deep take you to the dark side...

ollity, happiness, peace on earth, yeah, right. Christmas is dark, it’s moody, it’s full of unknown horrors (no, not the jumper your nan bought you), and nowhere is this more true than on telly, where this year, more than most, there are black forces lurking. Happy Christmas! Toxic Hairy Monsters: It’s the Gruffalo! Possibly the least scary monster ever, but a monster nonetheless. He’s got a toxic wart on his nose! That’s what kids want at Christmas! A half-hour animated film based on the children's book by Julia Donaldson The Gruffalo (voiced by Robbie Coltrane) tells the tale of a mouse who takes a walk though the woods in search of a nut and encounters 3 predators who all wish to eat him. The plucky mouse announces that he is meeting a monster with terrible features – a Gruffalo – and the three predators are panicked and run away. Sweet! Mouse is now increasingly confident - there’s The Gruffalo. nothing that can touch him ... or so he thinks. Then, he rounds a corner and comes face to face with the terrible creature of his imagination – the Gruffalo... The Gruffalo, Friday 25 December, 5.30-6.00pm BBC ONE Murder Most Horrid: Plus madness, ghosts, political intrigue, poisonings, psychological traumas - it’s Hamlet - very festive! The screen version of the Royal Shakespeare Company’s award winning production with our mate Dave Tennnt in the title role, Patrick Stewart as his uncle and the ghost, and the entire original RSC cast. Seriously, if it’s half as good as the stage version... Don’t miss! Hamlet, Saturday 26th December, 5.05-8.10pm BBC TWO Ghosts: It’s Scrooge, Jim, but not as we know it. This festive show sees Catharine Tate’s - let’s face it pretty monstrous - Nan character visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future, along with a dead husband, in this comic re-telling of Charles Dickens's tale A Christmas Carol. Is it too late for Nan to swap her Scrooge-like misery for some seasonal goodwill? Nan’s Christmas Carol, Friday 25 December, 10.30-11.20pm BBC ONE Insane Megalomaniacal Timelords: It's the Tenth Doctor's final journey – but his psychotic nemesis the Master has been reborn, Nan and ghost Ben Miller, on Christmas Eve. With both determined to Nan’s Christmas Carol cheat death, the battle ranges from the 4

The Mirror Crack’d. Hamlet.

wastelands of London to the mysterious Immortality Gate, while the alien Ood warn of an even greater danger approaching, as a terrible shadow falls across the entire Universe. Well, that’s a typical Christmas Day really, isn’t it? And then, on New Year’s Day, when you’re all hungover and stuff, this goes and happens; The Doctor faces the end of his life as the Master's plans hurtle out of control. With the sound of drums growing louder, and an ancient trap closing around the Earth, the Doctor and Wilf must fight alone. But sacrifices must be made, and the deadly prophecy warns: "He will knock four times." Ooooh! I can’t wait!! Doctor Who: The End Of Time part one, Christmas Day 2009, BBC One, 6.00pm Doctor Who – The End Of Time, Part Two Friday 1 January, 6.40-7.55pm BBC ONE Man-eating Shrubbery: In the not-too-distant future, man's search for an alternative fuel supply leads him to uncover the ominous Triffid, a crop now cultivated for its fuel that seems to have a life of its own. But when spectators gather worldwide for a muchanticipated solar storm, billions are left blinded and the few sighted survivors watch as society collapses into chaos. The Triffids, meanwhile, find their way out of captivity. Free to roam the planet with a fatal sting and a retributive taste for human flesh, the Triffids begin rapid breeding... The Day Of The Triffids - part one, Monday 28th Dougray Scott in December, 9pm BBC ONE The Day of the Triffids Werewolves, Vampires, More Ghosts: The second series of the hit BBC Three drama following the lives of three housemates who also happen to be a werewolf, a ghost and a vampire. The series gets off to a gripping start as the consequences of George murdering Herrick begin to catch up with him. Duly distracted by the new trials unfolding in their individual lives, the friends are unaware of the ominous threat that could be facing them... Being Human, Sunday 10 January 9.30-10.30pm BBC THREE Even More Bloody Ghosts: An adaptation of an Henry James Ghost Story: A young governess, Ann, is sent to a country house to take care of two orphans, Miles and Flora. Soon after her arrival, Miles is expelled from boarding school. Although charmed by her young charge, she secretly fears there are ominous reasons behind his expulsion. With Miles back at home, the governess starts noticing ethereal figures roaming the estate's grounds. Desperate to learn more about these sinister sightings she discovers that the suspicious circumstances surrounding the death of her predecessor hold grim implications for herself... WoooOOOooo! The Turn Of The Screw, Wed, 30 Dec, 9pm BBC One. So there you have it, our picks of the darker side of the festive season. We hope you enjoy these and remember, please, do have nightmares... 6

The Master says hello. Doctor Who.

Ooh, clean those teeth... Being Human.

Star studded? No. Prestigious? No. Well thought out? Sort of. Fills two pages? Oh yes. Welcome to the best and worst of 2009, in our humble opinion, just because we can. Local Awards... Pub/Bar/Club of the Year: Yeah, we’re not opening that particular can of worms, any pub that can stay open in the present climate deserves a medal, so, all of them. However, we do have subcategories: Pub Food of the year: Again see pub if the year, however, there are a few that stand out - full english breakfast down the Porter and Sorter for £1.99, the curry down the Green Dragon (nominated for my Dad who has it every time he goes in there), The Glamorgan’s fantastic fish and chips and The Oval Tavern - still the best Sunday roast in town, in our opinion. The Green Dragon www.greendragoncroydon.co.uk 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CR0 1NA, 020 8667 0684. The Glamorgan, 81 Cherry Orchard Road, Croydon, CR0 6BE 020 8688 6333. Best Jukebox: Has to be The Dog and Bull, Surrey Street. A marvellous machine that appears to have almost every record ever made on it. Witness various people’s attempts to catch it out via The Incredible String Band, Nazareth and the like. Get down there, buy a drink and search for something obscure to play because a) you’ll be amazed and b) it’ll annoy the staff (only joking). Dog & Bull, 24 Surrey Street Croydon, CR0 1RG, 020 8667 9718

Pub Enhancement of the Year: Runner up - The Dog and Bull again for their summer al-fresco pool table. Winner - The Oval Tavern for their marvellous BBQ pagoda, a wondrous thing for all seasons. The Oval Tavern, www.ovaltavern.co.uk 131 Oval Road, Croydon 020 8686 6023 Opening of the Year: Oo-er missus! No, we mean new venue opening, the winner of which is The Scream Lounge, the new live music venue from the Scream Studios chaps. Scream Lounge, 20 South End, Croydon, CR0 1DN, www.myspace.com/screamstudios Most Anticipated Opening of the Year: Market Place - ex-Beanos, a new indoor market - we’ve seen it, it looks fab. Was supposed to open before Xmas but been put back to January 2010. We’re quite excited. 7 Middle Street, Croydon, CR0 1RE

Roadworks of the Year: Tram improvement work outside East Croydon Station - 24 hours a day of unbridled digging and drilling noise bliss right outside my house for 3 months and I CAN’T SEE WHAT’S CHANGED! Cheers! Curry Takeway of the Year: Chilli and Spice - ‘serving the local area since 1995’ and delivering lovely curries to the various denizens of Deep Towers since shortly after. Chilli and Spice, 25 Woodside Green, South Norwood, London, SE25 5EY, 020 8654 4100 (or order meals online from www.hungryhouse.co.uk) Kebab of the Year: Euro Kebab - the finest kebabery in town. So good that we regularly partake when sober. Lovely staff, lovely food - lovely. Euro Kebabs & Burgers, 85 Cherry Orchard Road, CR0 6BE, 020 8688 2121 (or order meals online from www.justeat.co.uk) Curry Restaurant of the Year: Zara’s Kitchen. Friendly staff, great food, great value and bring your own booze. Zara's Kitchen, 60 South End, Croydon, CR0 1DP, 020 8688 0782

Chinese Restaurant of the Year: The Beijing Cottage. Deep-fried oysters anyone? Nuff said. Beijing Cottage, 49 South End, Croydon, Surrey, CR0 1BF Franchise Restaurant of the Year: Zizzi (Italian) / La Tasca (Tapas). Both chains that don’t feel lke chains with consistently excellent food, good atmospheres and reasonable prices. They also both stay open all day where aother restauarnats shut - ideal for a very long lunch. Zizzi's - www.zizzi.co.uk 57-59 South End, Croydon, 020 8649 8403 La Tasca, www.latasca.co.uk 38-40 High Street Croydon, CR0 1YB, 020 8680 3388.

Both Freddie and Sea The Stars (and his jockey Mick Kinane) have now retired. We suggest you take a moment - we suspect we won’t see any of their like again for a very long time. Telly.. ROBBED! of the Year: Ricky Whittle. Duck-footed BBC Breakfast man triumphs over twinkle-toed Hollyoaks’ Channel 4 employee on BBC1’s Strictly Come Dancing. Do we smell a rat?

Personality of the Year: ‘I-likes’. This will be amusing to exactly three people. Sport... Sporting Highlight of the Year: We can’t decide between these two - Freddie Flintoff running out Australian Captain Ricky Ponting in the Ashes, or Sea The Stars, the best racehorse I’ve seen in my lifetime, capping his brilliant career by winning the Prix De L’Arc De Triomphe in unbelievable style.

the bed and which, amazingly, still works after laying there dormant for about 20 years. MB Games, we salute you.

What The Fuck? of the Year: ‘Heads or Tails’ on Channel 5. Literally what it says on the tin - a game-show wherein contestants guess heads or tails on a coin Justin Lee Collins flips in order to win money. Contestants genuinely allowed to bring friends on to ‘help’. Help?!? It’s a 50/50 random dumb-luck guess! Has to be seen to be believed. The human race is going down the shitter, and Justin Lee Collins is leading the way. Fun and Games.. New Game of the Year: ‘Smug.’ Invented by Mr Nick Booth with the hungover massive down the George afer a particularly heavy night. Basically a general knowledge quiz with betting involved named aptly after the look everyone has when they win. Frighteneningly addictive and variably expensive fun. Rediscovered Game of the Year: ‘Dark Tower’. Phenomenally technologically advanced board game (or it was in 1985 when it came out) which I dug out from under

Unscheduled Day Off of the Year: SNOW DAY last February of course - a hastily abandoned venture into town swiftly redirected to a day and night spent arsing about and drinking in The Oval Tavern. Bloody brilliant.

Technology.. Amazing Device of the Year: The Nokia XpressMusic phone which, I discovered, can be put through a full cycle in the washing machine and will still work. After about two days when it’s dried out. Ok, it tells me it’s charging when it isn’t, sometimes doesn’t ring, sometimes bursts into life unnanounced but, essentially, it still works. A (now slightly eccentric) marvel.

could’ve eaten the cash, it didn’t, so I called it foxy nibbler and now leave food out. Animals are our friends.

Tweet Of The Year: So many but my favourite is from Mr Chris Addison, after a protracted rant about how watching kids telly with his children was making him more reactionary and right-wing: “Say what you like about Mussolini, at least he made the ninky-nonk run on time.” @mrchrisaddison

Random... ‘Animals Are Our Friends’ of the Year: ‘Foxy Nibbler’. Let me set the scene - after a particularly cash-poor week I celebrate having £100 and a winning horseracing slip worth £80 in my wallet by having a drink or

seven. The next day I awake and no wallet. Much searching, panicking, depression etc ensues. Finally I steam off to retrace my steps wherein I find, on the grass verge 300 yards from the front door, an intact £20 note, then several more, then my betting slip, and then my wallet. The local urban fox, it would seem, has found it and instead of ripping the contents to shreds has carefully strewn them all over the shop and merely tried to eat the leather wallet, as is evidenced by the gnawed bits and tooth marks which remain in it to this day. It

Best Jokes I’ve Heard this Year: 1. “The Royal Bank Of Scotland are committed to supporting female entrepreneurs”. 2. “A man has to go and give a talk about sex, but because he’s embarrassed he tells his wife that it’s about sailing. A week later the wife meets someone from the talk and asks how it went. He tells her it was very good - really authoritative and informative. “Oh!” she says, so the bloke asks her why she’s so surprised. ‘Well,” she says, “he’s only done it twice the first time his hat blew off and the second time he was sick’” Good Riddance to: 2009 Well Hello to: 2010 - Happy New Year...

Booze & Baking. Delia Smith we ain’t...

t is an inaliable fact that, around Christmas, things that you wouldn’t usually contemplate doing can begin to seem like a good idea. Things that would generally send a shudder down the spine become almost acceptable - just little things, such as wearing reindeer ears in public or spending an entire day with your family. In this case, the ill-advised festive adventure was an attempt to make a traditional Victorian Christmas dessert called a Nesselrode Pudding. No, I’d never heard of it either but, having been tempted by 2 bags of chestnuts for the price of one, we felt obliged to get rid of them somehow, and when we discovered

two (also boozesoaked, we might add), a favourite over there, called ‘Monte Bianco’, came from. Unfortunately, or fortunately, dependant on your outlook, we also decided at the same time to test out a cocktail called ‘Love For Christmas’ We have to admit that we couldn’t find any reliable pictures of what a Nesselrode Pudding should look like, and only a pencil drawing of a Monte Bianco, so in years to

Having been unable to find pictures of what our puddings should look like, our photos may well set the standard for future generations - God help us all Nesselrode has, along with chestnuts, obviously, quite a substantial amount of booze in it, it was more or less a fait accompli. As it transpires, chestnuts, nontoxic cousins to the conker, are quite interesting little chaps. For instance, did you know that the Greeks lived off them during their retreat from Asia Minor around 400 BC? Or that chestnut trees can live to be 500 years old and often don’t produce fruit until they are 40? Or even that they have twice as much starch as potatoes, are given to the poor on St Martin’s day and eaten on St Simon’s day in Tuscany. In fact, they’re hugely popular in Italy generally, which is where the idea to compound our stupidity and attempt chetsnutty pudding number

come our photos may well become the standard by which all future puddings are judged, God help us all. All we know is that a Monte Bianco, when done properly, is supposed to look like a gorgeous snow-capped mountain, hence the name. So, to start, we suggest you do what we did which was, before even looking at a chestnut, prepare some ‘Love For Christmas’ cocktails like this: Put a shot of brandy and double the amount of good sherry in a tall flute glass. Stir in some lemon zest and a small pinch of sugar (vary depending on taste) until the sugar has completely dissolved. Store this in a fridge for about an hour until it’s very cold. Meanwhile, while your cocktail is 12

chilling you can make up some chestnut puree, which you’ll need for both desserts, hence: Chestnut Puree: Boil and peel fresh chestnuts and then place in a pan with barely enough milk to cover. Cook for about 15 minutes or until most of the milk has been absorbed. Put through a blender (we don’t have a blender so used a potato ricer instead - a bit labour-intensive but it seemed to work) and keep in a pot until required. You’ll need 200g of puree for each pudding but we can’t tell you how many actual chestnuts that is as we have no scales so were winging it. About a bag-full, probably... By this time your ‘Love For Christmas’ cocktails will be chilled, so take the glasses out of the fridge, fill to the brim with sparkling wine and toast merrily. ‘Love For Christmas’, by the way, shall hereafter be known as ‘Bloody Hell That’s Strong’, or BHTS. This may, however, have well have been because in the abscence of ‘tall flute glasses’ we had substituted ‘tumblers’. Either way, might as well put another one in the fridge while you’re there... We started off by making the

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Monte Bianco as it’s served cold and needs time to set in the fridge, so, here’s what you’ll need: A stick (2 oz. / 50g) unsalted butter 4 oz. / 100g dark chocolate 1 oz. / 30ml dark rum 200g chestnut puree 1 cup (250ml) heavy cream (double cream) Step 1: Open the chocolate and try a bit just to make sure it’s not gone off. 2: Melt the chocolate and butter in a bain marie (or, in our case, a pyrex dish over a pan of boiling water) 3: Mix in the chestnut puree, rum and about a quarter of the cream. 4: Let this cool (it is now a ‘ganache’ apparently). 5: Beat the remaining cream until almost stiff then fold in the chestnutty mixture. 6: Pass the ganache through a coarse moulilegumes (no idea), directly onto a serving plate to make a chocolatechestnut mountain. 7: Chill in the fridge. 8: When chilled, remove from the fridge, cover the mountain with whipped cream to give an alpine effect and serve. As mentioned above, it’s supposed to look like a snowcapped mountain. As you can see from the picture (top left) ours bore more of a resemblance to that pile of mash in ‘Close Encounters’, or, with the addition of some of the brandy-soaked glacé peel from the other recipe, an active volcano. Still it was nice... Just time for another BHTS cocktail and it’s time to attempt the Victorian Nesselrode Pudding, for which you will need: 200g chestnut puree, 5 eggs, 2 cups of milk Glacé Fruit or Peel, Brandy. Step 1: Soak your glacé fruit or peel in the brandy for a while. 2: Separate the 5 eggs 3: Mix the Chestnut puree with the 14

five egg yolks and two cups of milk to make a crème anglaise. 4: Add the brandy-soaked glacé fruit or peel. 5: In a separate bowl, beat the egg whites into stiff peaks then fold into the chestnut custard. 6: Steam in a buttered mould. N.B: This is where we got a bit confused - we’re not sure if’s supposed to be a sort of plum-pudding mould, but all we did was use the pyrex dish from our bain-marie with the lid on, balanced over the same pan of boiling water to steam it. 7: Steam the pudding until it sets it’ll puff up like a soufflé at first, then sort itself out and set. 8: Pop the pudding out (sounds easy - isn’t), garnish with cream and marrons glacés (glacé chestnuts, apparently - we couldn’t find any so threw some more of the brandysoaked peel on top - see picture, bottom left)) 9: Serve hot.

I would like to be able to tell you how this tasted but, unfortunately, we were so wasted from all the cocktails, the liberal testing of brandy-soaked peel and making sure the rum was ok etc etc, that I fell asleep on the sofa. Luckily my helpful assistant (the Johnny to my Fanny, if you will) scraped some off the inside of the pan and reliable informs me that it was ‘quite nice’. High praise indeed. So, there you have it, a tale of two puddings and quite a lot of alcohol - not so much the Galloping Gourmet as the Staggering GastroGnome. Or Keith Floyd, in fact. Either way, we’ve filed it under ‘Interesting new ways to get drunk’ with the added bonus that you get some food inside you at the end (unless you too fall asleep). If you give either the puddings or the cocktail a go over the festive period we hope you enjoy them. Happy baking!

Reviving the much-missed tradition of the Christmas ghost story, a spooky tale of mysterious origin...

e took an all-possessing, burning fancy to her from the first. She was neither young nor pretty, so far as he could see - but she was wrapped around with mystery. That was the key of it all, she was noticeable in spite of herself. Her face at the window, sunset after sunset, her eyes, gazing out mournfully through the dusty panes, hypnotised the lawyer. He saw her through the twilight night after night, and he grew at length to wait in the days in a feverish longing for dusk and that one look at an unknown woman. She was always at the same window on the ground floor, sitting

schoolgirl’s as he drew near the house. If she should be at the window... He was almost disposed to take his courage in his hand and call on her, and - yes, even - tell her in a quick burst that she had mysteriously become all the world to him. He could see nothing ridiculous in this course, the possibility of her being married, or having family ties of any sort, had simply never occurred to him. However, she was not at the window. What was more, there was a sinister silence, a sort of breathlessness about the whole place. It was a very cold morning. He

...He had a sick dread of looking through the small, dusty window panes but why, he could not have told... doing nothing. She looked beyond, so the infatuated solicitor fancied, at him. Once he even thought that he detected the ghost of a friendly smile on her lips. Their eyes always met with a mute desire to make acquaintance. This romance went on for a couple of months. Gilbert Dent assured himself that nothing in this life can possible remain stationary, and he cudgelled his brain for a respectable manner of introducing himself to his idol. He had hardly arrived at this point when he received a shock. There came an evening when she was not at the window. The next morning he walked down Wood Lane on his way to the office. He always went by train, but he felt a strong disinclination to go through another day without a sight of her. His heart began to beat like a

looked for a long time, but no face came and no movement stirred in the house. He went his way, walking like a man who has been heavily knocked on the brow and sees stars still. That afternoon he left the office early and in less than an hour stood at the gate again. The window was blank. He pushed the gate back - it hung on one hinge - and walked up the drive to the door. There were five steps - five steps leading up to it. At the foot he wheeled aside sharply to the window - he had a sick dread of looking through the small panes but why, he could not have told. When at last he found courage to look he saw that there was a small round table set just under the window - a work table to all appearance, one of those things with lots of little compartments all 16

round and a lid in the middle which shut over a well-like cavity for holding pieces of needlework. He remembered that his mother had one thirty years before. Round the edge of the table was gripped a small, delicate hand. Gilbert Dent’s eyes ran from this bloodless hand and slim wrist to a shoulder under a coarse stiff bodice and a rather wasted throat, which was bare and flung back. So this was the end before the beginning. He saw her. She was dead, twisted on the floor with a ghastly face turned up toward the ceiling and stiff fingers caught in desperation round the work table. He stumbled away along the path and into the lane. For a long time he could not realise the horror of this thing. The influence of the decayed house hung over him - nothing seemed real. It was quite dark when he moved away from the gate and went in the direction of the nearest police station. That she was dead, this woman whose very name he did not know although she influenced him so powerfully, he was certain one look at the face would have told anyone that. That she was murdered he more than suspected. He had seen no blood about; there had been no mark on the long, bare throat, and yet the words rushed in his ears, “Murder.” Later on he went back with a police officer. They broke into the house and entered the room. It was in utter darkness, of course, by now. Dent, his fingers trembling, struck a match. It flared around the walls and lighted them for a moment before he let it fall to the dusty floor. The policeman began to light his

lantern and turned it stolidly on the window, he had no reason for delay; he was eager to get to the bottom of the business. His professional zeal was whetted - this promised to be a mystery with spice in it. He turned the light full on the window and gave a strange, choked cry, half of rage, half of apprehension. Then he went up to Gilbert Dent, who stood in the middle of the room with his hands before his eyes, took his shoulder and shook it none too gently. “There ain’t nobody,” he said. Dent looked wildly at the window - the recess was empty except for the work table. The woman was gone. They searched the house. They minutely inspected the garden. Everything was normal, everything told the same mournful tale - of desertion, of death, of long, empty years. But they found no woman, or trace of one. “This house,” said the policeman, looking suspiciously into the lawyer’s face, “has been empty for longer than I can remember. Nobody’ll live in it. They do say something about foul play a good many years ago. I don’t know about that. All I do know is the landlord can’t get it off his hands.” It was doubtful if Gilbert Dent heard one word of what the man was saying. He was too stunned to do anything but creep home - when he was allowed to go - and let himself stealthily into his own house with a latch key. He was afraid even of himself. He did not go to bed that night. As for the mystery of the woman, the matter was allowed to drop. It ended - officially. There was a shrug and a grin at the police station - the impression there was that the lawyer had been drinking - that the dead woman in the empty room was a gruesome freak of his tipsy brain. week or so later Dent called on his brother Ned - the one near relation that he had. Ned was a doctor and perhaps a shade more matter-of-fact than Gilbert, at all events, when the latter told his story of the house and the woman, he attributed the affair solely to liver.

“You are overworked.” The elder brother looked at the younger’s yellow face. “An experience of this nature is by no means uncommon. Haven’t you heard of people having their pet ‘spooks’?” “But this was a real woman,” he declared, “I - I, well, I was in love with her. I had made up my mind to marry here - if I could.” Ned gave him a keen, swift glance. “We’ll go to Brighton tomorrow.” he said, with quiet decision, “As for your work, everything must be put aside. You’re completely down. You ought to have been taken in hand before.” They went to Brighton, and it really seemed as if Ned was right, and that the woman at the window had been merely a nervous creation. It seemed so. that is, for nearly three weeks, and then the climax came. It was in the twilight - She had always been part of it that Gilbert saw her again, the woman that he had found lying dead. They were walking, the two brothers, along the cliffs. The wind was blowing in their faces, the sea was booming beneath the cliff. Ned had just said it was about time they turned back to the hotel and had some dinner when Gilbert, with a cry, leapt forward to the very edge of the flat grass path on which they were strolling. The movement was so sudden that his brother barely caught him in time. They struggled and swayed on the very edge of the cliff for a second - Gilbert, possessed by some sudden frenzy, seemed resolved to go over, but the other at last dragged him backward and they rolled together on the close, thick turf. At this point Gilbert opened his eyes and tried to get on his feet. “Better?” asked his brother cheerfully, holding out a helping 18

hand. “Strange! The sea has that effect on some people. Didn’t think you were one of them.” “What effect?” “Vertigo, my dear fellow.” “Ned,” said the other solemnly, “I saw her. It is not worth your while to try to account for anything. I have been inclined to think that you were right - that she, the woman at the window, was a fancy, that I had fallen in love with a creation of my own brain, but I saw her again

tonight. You must have seen her yourself - she was within a couple of feet of you. Why did you not try to save her? It was nothing short of murder to let her go over the edge like that. I did my best!” “You certainly did - to kill us both,” said Ned, grimly. Gilbert gave him a wild look. After luncheon, Ned persuaded him to rest, watched him fall asleep and then went out. In the porch of the hotel on his return he was met by a waiter who told him that Gilbert had left about quarter of an hour after he had himself gone out. Directly he heard this he feared the worst having, as is usual in such cases, a very hazy idea of what the worst might be. Of course he must follow without a moment’s delay but a reference to the timetable told him that there was not another train for an hour, and that was slow. It was already getting dusk when he arrived there. He felt certain that Gilbert would go there. He got to the end of the lane and walked up it slowly, examining every house. There would be no difficulty in recognising the one he wanted, Gilbert had described it in detail

more than once. He stood outside the loosely hanging gate at last and stared through the darkness at the shabby stuccoed front and rank garden. He went down a flight of steps to the back door and, finding it unfastened, stepped into a stone passage. It was one of the problems of the place that he should have avoided the main entrance door with a half-admitted dread, and that, only half admitting still, he was afraid to mount the long flight of stone stairs leading from the servant’s quarters. However he pulled himself together and went up the stairs to the room. It was dark inside. He heard something scuttle across the floor, felt the grit and dust of years under his feet. He struck a match - just as Gilbert had done - and looked first at the recess in which the window was built. The match flared around the room for a moment and gave him a flash picture of his surroundings. He saw the stripes of gaudy paper moving almost imperceptibly, like the tentacles of some sea-monster, from the wall. He saw a creature - it looked like a rat -

scurry across the floor from the window to the great mantelpiece of hard white marble. If he had seen nothing more than this... He saw in detail all that the first match had flashed at him. He saw his brother lying on the floor - a ghastly coincidence - his had was caught round the edge of the work table as hers had been. The other hand was clenched across his breast - there was a look of great agony on his face. A dead face, of course, this was the end of the affair. He was lying dead by the window where the woman had sat every night at dusk and smiled at him. The second match went out; the brother of the dead man struck a third. He looked again, and closely, he then staggered to his feet and gave a cry. It rang through the empty rooms and echoed without wearying down the long, stone passages in the basement. Gilbert’s head was thrown back, his chin peaked to the ceiling. On his throat were livid marks. The doctor saw them distinctly. He saw the grip of small fingers, the distinct impression of a woman’s little hand... he curious thing about the whole story - the most curious thing, perhaps - is that no other eye ever saw those murderous marks. So there was no scandal, no chase after the murderer, no undiscovered crime. They faded. When the doctor saw his brother again in the full light and in the presence of others his throat was clear, and the post-mortem proved that death was due to natural causes. So the matter stands, and will. But where the house and its overgrown garden stood runs a new road with neat red and white villas. Whatever secret it knew - if any it kept discreetly. Ned Dent is morbid enough to go down the smart new road in the twilight sometimes and wonder...

WoooooOOOOOOooooo! 20

The Croydon (Mk I) fell victim to town planners in the 60s. The Croydon (Mk II) fell victim to marketing men in the 90s. . . Here’s the story of

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hen I first saw this photograph of The Croydon I thought, ‘where the hell was that?’ Then I noticed the clock tower and the library in the background and realised it stood on the corner of Katherine Street, in a space formerly

The Croydon (Mk I) in 1960 22

got out of hand and the baby was thrown out with the bathwater: and a fine-looking boozer, among other things, fell victim to the wrecking ball: The Croydon was demolished in 1965. No doubt it was considered ludicrously out of date. Time, as always, provides the biggest irony: the ‘space age’ buildings that replaced the “Time, as always, provides the biggest irony: hotel and pubs on Katherine the ‘space age’ buildings that replaced the Street now stand empty, hotel and pubs on Katherine Street now decrepit and terribly dated, stand empty and dated, themselves awaiting themselves awaiting the the demolition men.” demolition men. By contrast, the older buildings on the other side seem ever more robust and Of course, a pub like that information about the pub in rather timeless – see the was an affront to the fashionthe local archives and only a exterior of the Spread Eagle for victim town planners of the couple of pictures. From an example. aesthetic viewpoint it is a good sixties. True, from looking at Since first seeing that picture old pictures of Croydon it was a example of solid, very late of The Croydon I have pretty dowdy town by midVictorian/early Edwardian pub century. But like so many things speculated on what might have design, featuring a nice big happened to it had it survived. corner door (you can’t whack a in England, the reformist zeal occupied by Snappy Snaps and now just a blank retail void, waiting for the Park Place redevelopment, which has been shelved due to the credit crunch. The Croydon was built about 1900, four or five years after the library and town hall were erected. There is not much

corner door on a pub, in my opinion) with an ornate lintel, granite pillars and feathered corbels and probably a wide front step with the brewery’s mark (what they’d now call a logo) embedded in mockmosaic and a door so big and thick you couldn’t ram a car through it.

Modern drinking or tomorrows dead pub? Building The Croydon (Mk ii), Park Street, 1964 23

drinking, chain-smoking man 30 years older than the average newbie seemed an easy way to win ten quid. But what Car Park didn’t tell you was that he knew a back way into the bar, a shortcut that made him unbeatable even though he was behind you all the way round… I haven’t seen Car Park for many years but I raise my glass to him and his antics (which included a curious exercise, sort of vertical pushups off the end of the bar, which he’d perform sometimes for hours, while slurping light and bitter) and I hope he’s “The influence of Le Corbusier has done far found another pub to have fun more damage to England than the Luftwaffe in. The Croydon closed its doors ever did in world war two.” for the last time in August 1994 (having been open exactly half the time its namesake had been to a basement bar, where down if you must, but look trading) and reopened as the strippers were occasionally to after the pubs, for they have a Rat and Parrot, a chain bar that be seen. A cast of proper pub way of outliving passing featured a fake parrot in a characters roosted in the back vanities and delusions. Which leads me nicely to The bar (Batty’s Bar). One legend, a cage. It has had a couple of beer-loving character known as further incarnations since then Croydon (mark II). and none have really worked. Car Park Dave (on account of Perhaps out of guilt that Now it is boarded up and his being a NCP attendant), they’d wrecked a pub that might have stood for hundreds enjoyed enticing newbies to the awaiting destruction. A pathetic pub into a certain bet: that they end to a series of Big Ideas by of years instead of just sixty, could not beat him in a running Clever Clogs (BICC for short). the town planners included a race from the front door of the Keep your eyes peeled for watering hole in the office BICCs – they are never in short blocks round the corner in Park pub, down Park Street, up St George’s Walk, round and back supply in England. Street. They gave this building to the pub. To take on a heavy the same name as the one they’d demolished. Last orders: The only picture in the The Croydon (Mk ii) in death archive of the second Croydon is printed here (previous page), when it was under construction in 1964. In design terms the difference between the two is a striking example of how the brutalist architectural notions of Le Corbusier, the Swiss ‘urbanist’, had become fetishes in English town planning and steamrollered everything before them. Which is why many Most likely it would have fallen victim to the dead hands of accountants and marketing men: a ghastly chain food pub in the 80s, perhaps, or an atmosphere-free ‘gastro-pub’ today. I like to think it might have become a bit of a rock and roll hangout, a sisterboozer to the magnificent Ship down the street (notice how nobody now says The Ship is old fashioned – and they’ve been pulling pints there since 1640!). The lesson of The Croydon is: pull everything

English towns are soulless ‘nowheres’. In his influence, Le Corbusier did far more damage to England than the Luftwaffe could ever do in world war two. That said, I am a great believer in ‘the people not the pub’, and the Croydon could be quite fun when I used to regularly drink there in the late 80s and early 90s. It was at one time a gay pub, but had reverted to generally straight clientele by the end of the eighties. It had a spiral staircase

Septuagenarian agony aunt cum rock mutton Auntie May fills everyone in on what’s been happening. . .

elcome back to all my lovely friends, and hello to any new ones who are reading this for the first time. Just in case time (or alcohol) has dimmed your memory, my name is Mayqueen Harbinger or, less formally, Auntie May and I am fortunate enough to have acquired the reputation of being Agony Aunt to the Stars, and by Stars I mean those dedicated enough to slog round pubs, clubs and other random venues bashing out dirty rock’n’roll riffs, not those talentless fuckwits trying to sneak in through the back door by appearing on some peak-

pleased to say) although I exhausted myself before I even got there forcing my chaperone into a dark corner and getting him out of his usual black and into Edith’s favourite lumberjack shirt. A few weeks later, the Ship, hastily renamed ‘Shagwell High’, hosted their School Disco, involving some shoddily constructed bike sheds and detentions for those caught smoking in the toilets. Then it was back to the dressing-up box for Halloween - I must congratulate the prizewinning mummy, whoever he was, for his excellent costume even though Edith’s still having recurrent nightmares

“At Erotica at Olympia I found the perfect present for Edith - a new bathplug in a most innovative shape (one size fits all)...” time Saturday night TV show in the hope of making a million by next week. No my dears, you won’t catch me stopping in on a Saturday night wasting my credit on voting for overrated, undertalented arseholes from Dublin when I can be out worshipping at the feet of some gorgeous, tattood guitar god with more eyeliner than Marilyn Manson, or dancing like a goat on mescaline to the loudest, fastest, hardest rock our wonderful Croydon rock DJs can pump out. And that’s precisely what I’ve been doing all summer and plan to do for much of the winter. Well, in this time of recession and turn-your-heating-downa-notch-ness you have to keep warm somehow and at my age it’s a getting a little difficult to find a more exciting method of warming up my sleeping bag. Well it’s been the usual social whirlwind this summer, and I seem to have done a lot of it in the Ship in fancy dress. Dead Rock Stars Night posed a slight problem, since I couldn’t think of a dead female rock star I could convincingly impersonate, so I elected to disguise myself as Cher, on the basis that her husband and her career were dead and I already had a good wig. This was closely followed by Redneck Trailer Trash Night (yes, another Good Wig Night I’m

after he jumped out on her from a doorway. And there’s been no shortage of live music this summer. The opening of the brand new Scream Lounge saw a whole weekend of live music with sets from 23 Enigma, Mordecai, Tenyson, Junk Time Party and many more. The Ship and the Brief have both hosted charity fundraising nights for Victim Support, raising a total of over £500 between them; thanks to all the bands who generously donated their time and effort to this and to Andy for organising it all. Edith and I have battled our way down to the front to see Black Stone Cherry, Shinedown, Alice in Chains and Heaven’s Basement, when I nearly got punched in the face by a huge scaffolder bird, and my 26

ears are still ringing from having pancakes with Kitty Hudson and Disarm at the Ship just the other day. And so we go from the Summer of Love to the Autumn of Angst. Many of my friends are out of work and struggling to find two pennies to rub together to keep warm (however that works). To cheer myself up and in anticipation of the start of the festive season I trotted off to the Erotica exhibition at Olympia to get my Christmas shopping started. Note to self: must remember to take my reading glasses next time: I thought I’d found the ideal present for Edith – a new bath plug, in a most innovative shape (one size fits all) although I was a little confused why I was offered a tube of lube to go with it! Oh well, back to the drawing board. May I take this opportunity to wish everyone a thoroughly messy festive season and finish off by asking if there are any bands reading this who want to play the Ship in December and experience their spanking new sound desk and lighting rig – if so, give Elmo a ring on 07723 967 749. More from Auntie May next month.

ZAG AND THE COLOURED BEADS LEGEND MIK TUBB MEETS BRIGHTON GOLDEN MAN

biquitous musician and socialist-existentialist Mik Tubb met this odd combination of Goldfinger, the Penguin and Stalin on the promenade at Brighton.

Mik said: “I was just walking along, talking about Gong and Steve Hillage as it happens, when this fantastic apparition came into my field of vision. I felt transported,

much as William Blake must have felt when he saw angels on Peckham Rye. “I pondered lightly on the subject of religious visitation, an imperialist belief structure in itself, but not without interest as most of the Christian ideas on this subject were pinched from pagan rituals. Indeed, I had a similar experience when playing the Stonehenge Festival in 1984, or was it 1985? Either way, though metaphysics should always be handled with extreme care - rather like magic mushrooms or gold microdots in that respect - I am not totally unconvinced that this golden man was not a daemon of some kind. “Which brings me round to Genesis' 1971 album Nursery Cryme. I've got a lot of time for Phil Collins, which may come as a shock to you. Like Steve Hillage, or for that matter, Lemmy (Ian Kilmister)...” Sorry, Mik, my Pot Noodle's ready! Keep up the good work!

What's your drink of the summer? Cider... lots of it... mainly in the beer garden Seen any horrific "man gardens" lately? No, but lots of hairs toes!! Men in sandals is the summer version of my hatred for brown shoes What do you think your chances of winning Croydonhello Pub Celebrity of the Year? I need to check out the competition Did you know that "Skinhead" Andy Franks has entered? If this is the only competition, then my 1st place trophy space on the mantal piece is already waiting ;)

Where do you stand on the Croydon World Party Festival? Weeeeeeeee big party in the park. Love it! Hope the weather’s better...

Mik Tubb: Golden Handshake

WORDS AND PIX: NICK RAZZO.

roydon It-Girl Wendy Freer stunned pub-goers with a new look last Thursday. The Pub Celebrity appeared wearing shades and a top hat with icy blonde hair. A veritable Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac look. We quickly got the lowdown: So, you're going for a Stevie Nicks' look, a rock and roll depravity look? What happened to Willy Wonka? Did you know legend has it Stevie Nicks employed a roadie to blow cocaine up her bottom? What interesting lives other people lead!

Wendy Freer: Tango in the Night?

Creepy's tour is the only one that visits all five murder sites

f you’ve drunk round Croydon for more than five minutes you will know that the pub scene throws up it’s fair share of characters. Most sparkle for a season or two before crashing, like exhausted moths or spent flies, worn out by the usual vices. If they remain to be seen after their fall, they generally can be found in quiet, dusty bars, intoxicated at all hours of the day and night with wry, drained countenances and fairly empty pockets and nothing else to show for their brief fame but the words “fatty liver” and “anxiety and depression” on their medical notes. Whether this will be the fate of “Creepy” John Chambers, a rising star in the town, is as yet unknown. He is still in his first flower, his “first go round”, so to say, and his highly theatrical Jack the Ripper tour of the East End is becoming very well known. He is very much a Croydon “face”. Croydonhello spoke to this flamboyant young shaver. It’s nice to find someone under 25 who knows something about anything other than American television programmes. What led you to the Ripper? “Well, it happens to be a common story on my behalf because it’s also where I've got my nickname “Creepy” from. 30th August 1994 my Dad took me and my sister to The London Dungeon for an end of summer outing. Now most of the Dungeon didn't really scare me until we got to The Jack the Ripper Experience, where I was scared quite literally half to death by the images of the women who had been murdered. That night I refused to sleep until my mum reassured me that Jack the Ripper was

“My Dad took me to The London Dungeon. It didn't scare me until we got to The Jack the Ripper Experience, where I was scared half to death” 30

Dawn and Creepy: A lighter moment

you?” The legend is best shrouded in mystery.” Do you enjoy dressing as the Ripper? “I dress theatrically as the ripper and, to be quite honest, it depends on the weather. Great if it’s cold and wet; if warm, very different. What the killer wore would’ve scarily been closer to what Sherlock Holmes wore. Coincidence? Surely not.” What’s the best Ripper book? “Best book is either the Complete Jack the Ripper by Phillip Sugden, as it was the first book I read on the crimes. It’s more down to the facts than the theories behind the crimes, but if you want a good theory book check out Jack the Ripper: The Final Solution by the late Stephen Knight. It’s semibiographical and an amazing read, unlike some other semibiographical novels, which are steeped in false information in order to validate the author’s theory (see Portrait of a Killer by Patricia Cornwell) What is the best Ripper film? “Ripper films also tend to be a bit rubbish if you ask me. The serials are way better. Michael Caine’s Jack the Ripper (1988) gets a bit too theatrical, but it’s a cracking show with Caine portraying top cop Fred Abeline as a hard-nut who’s a recovering alcoholic. Also ITV’s Whitechapel was astounding.” Has the quality of serial killers dropped in the last 120 years? “It’s changed. A lot of people agree that The Whitechapel Murders were the first serially motivated sex crimes, and for most serial killers they seem to stem from the same problems Jack the Ripper

would have experienced. Some are influenced by the Ripper or share his pathological hatred for women. Remember, Jack killed five women whereas people like Peter Sutcliffe (The Yorkshire Ripper) and Richard Ramirez killed many more (about 13/14 each) and both claim to have been influenced by The Ripper. “Also, the method of detection has changed in the last 120 years. Back then they had no fingerprinting, forensics or profiling. Most of the serial killers you hear of struck in the sixties, seventies and eighties and even then modern police tactics were still rudimentary at best. Jack in this day and age would never have got away with it, probably not even got past one victim. What’s the Royal angle? “In a nutshell there are two theories. Both involving The Duke of Clarence: Prince Albert Edward Victor, Grandson of Queen Victoria. He has been implicated as the killer, murdering in revenge after contracting syphilis from an east End prostitute and dying of it himself after killing the last victim, and then the most famous theory that he married a common woman in Whitechapel and they bore a child, which The Freemasons covered up to prevent a scandal. When the girls of the East End tried to blackmail royalty, they sent out The Queen’s Doctor, Sir William Gull, a high ranking mason, to kill these women in the style of Masonic ritual. Both theories should be filed under “Utter Crap”, because neither holds any water.” Could Sherlock Holmes, had he been real, solved the Ripper

“Both Royal ripper theories should be filed under ‘Utter Crap’ because neither holds any water...” 31

WORDS AND PICTURES NICK RAZZO

long since dead. This only fuelled a fire in me because she also said no one knew who he was. As an eightyear-old, I believed I could succeed where countless historians had failed for the last 100 years and went and got some books out of the library. This only helped my curiosity grow and 15 years on, I'm still researching.” Describe the Ripper walk “Whitechapel’s Trail of Terror blends in History, Horror, Humour and Theatre into a two-and-a-half hour show. As of now I offer four different choices of tour; including the Interactive tour which offers actors portraying the victims. I’m one of a few who actually (and truthfully) visits all five murder sites, and in order, with pub stops and I do this in costume. If that isn’t the most reasonably priced walk in London at £7.00, I will quite literally eat my Top Hat!” Who do YOU think did the Ripper murders? “Well, the thing is I’d never truly commit myself to one suspect. I believe the one day we’ll find out the killer’s identity will be on doomsday, when he’ll walk out of the mist, say “I am Jack the Ripper” and every Ripperologist in the world will go, “Who the hell are

murders? “Well Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was actually commented on as a Ripper suspect because he studied as a doctor, but I guess it’s safer to say that he merely kept to sleuthing after the killer. He was actually one of the believers in the theory that it was a back street abortionist (aka Jill the Ripper), which a lot of people still put faith into, including me. I’m starting a band called Rack the Jipper. Would you buy the album? “I'd definitely see you live, just to see what sort of music you’d play – and if you dressed like Screaming Lord Sutch or something, then haha.” How did you find working with the legendary Dawn James? “Working with Dawn was great. She’s a dear friend, I’d definitely work with her again. She’s one of our girls when we do the Whitechapel’s Trail Of Terror ‘Hunt’ events. £7.00 and it starts at 5.30-6.00 from The Blind Beggar in Whitechapel. That’s an awful lot of fun for seven quid!” More info and forthcoming dates from: www.myspace.com/ whitechapelstrailofterror Words and pictures: Nick Razzo

"It's best the legend is shrouded in mystery"

COLONEL RAZZO NEEDS YOU! It didn’t quite work out last year so we’re giving it another go: Are you the life and soul of the party? Are you the one who keeps your mates entertained? Are you a ‘face’ down your local? Are you, in fact, a PUB CELEBRITY? Then register an interest in becoming Croydon Pub Celebrity Of The Year simply by e-mailing or texting ‘celeb’ with your name and address. e-mail: hello @deep-london.co.uk. Text 07910 506197 (standard network charge). 32

UNDERCOVER

with Nick Razzo

ongratulations to Wayne "Bully" Bulled and Hannah "Flying Circus" Bulled! Hannah gave birth to bonny 8lb 1oz Daisy in Mayday on the 23rd June. This column enjoyed a glass or two of bubbles with the proud father and we would like to take this opportunity to wish the family all the very best. What is gossip, celeb-fans? Technically speaking, in my experience it means largely inaccurate or out of date information regarding sexual, romantic or financial matters, wrongly analysed with the sort of toytown pop-psychology that makes the agony aunts in the sort of magazines you find in tanning salons look like Sigmund Freud, and then spiced up, exaggerated and passed along with a bit of total fiction added for good measure. But don’t we love it! I certainly do. And now it turns out that it is good for us. Google ‘gossip is good for you’, and read on. Jimmy Carr is not one of my favourite comedians, in fact I avoid him on television as one would avoid

the office comedian in an insurance company. However, he says that when he plays a gig “I drive there, mooch about and look around the town.” I wondered what he found when he scouted around before his Fairfield Hall gig a few months back? He may have seen happy housewives queuing for tickets for Englebert Humperdinck’s September show in Croydon (aesthetes and intellectuals please note this is not Englebert Humperdinck’s 1891 opera Hansel and Gretel, but a performance by our own Hump, born Arnold George Dorsey in India in 1936). I like the Hump. Not so much for his music – though Razzo does a blinding Release Me in shower. Fact for pop kids: the Hump’s Release Me kept The Beatles’ Strawberry Fields Forever off the top spot in early 1967. (It is interesting to take note of 60s chart positions. Over the years the BBC and academia have promulgated the idea that rock and pop was a revolution that swept all middlebrow taste before it. Not so. For every brilliant and boundary-breaking record in the charts, there was also records by The Black and White Minstrel Show, Alma Cogan and, like as not, Arthur Askey.) But all the time the Hump is

Sigmund Freud: No cigar

Englebert: Housewife’s choice

performing, it makes the rest of us feel young. Good luck to him! Just don’t call him a crooner. The Hollywood Reporter did, back in the day, and he responded thusly: “If you are not a crooner,” he told writer Rick Sherwood, “it’s something you don’t want to be called. No crooner has the range I have. I can hit notes a bank could not cash. What I am is a contemporary singer, a stylized performer.” I say just the same about my own alltime favourite acts, The Wombles and Bing Crosby. Could Croydon be getting another visit from Prince Charles, the Prince of Wales? Undercover notices that his favourite Philadelphia soul and disco outfit of yesteryear The Three Degrees will be playing in Croydon this year. But what’s this? The line-up is Valerie Holliday, Helen Scott and Cynthia Garrison – where’s Charlie’s old flame Sheila Ferguson? Oh, she left the group in 1986. Man, where have I been? Ciao! The Beatles: Were the Wombles better?

Black and White Minstrel Show: Sergeant Pepper for Tory voters?

DO YOU WANT TO BE IN Send your pictures, interview requests, gossip and stories to: hello@deep-london.co.uk 33

Dear Wendy, My partner has moved back in with his ex-wife, who is still living in their council house. They have a combined income of 120,000 quid a year and three jags parked outside their house and on a peppercorn adjusted rent. I am on 20,000 a year and have to give 600 pound a month to an arrogant landlord for living in a broom cupboard with a shared bathroom. Shouldn’t I be in the council house? Rip Toffed, Lower Addiscombe

not feed Creepy beer/wine/spirits. Unfortunately this, along with shouting "Bollocks" all night at a festival just doesn't let up with some people. Ho-hum. ........................................................ Dear Wendy, The habit in pubs of hurling beer bottles in the bin (a practice which should be carried out after the pub shuts) is getting on my ‘kin wick. Thoughts? Nasty Darren’s Cock and Dog Fights Ltd, Peckham

Wendy says: Oh this gets me every time. So many people living the life of luxury on good incomes in a council house, driving posh cars and having all the latest gadgets! Should be means tested and not a house for life. There aren’t enough council properties to go round and these people sitting all cosy in their cheap houses who could quite easily be able to afford private rental or even a mortgage. Give the council houses to people who need them. Grrr I could rant on about this but I'll shut up now. But you do just sound bitter, and no you shouldn't have the house either. ........................................................ Dear Wendy, There’s a man called Creepy who drinks in my local and shouts ‘bogies!’ when he’s had one sniff of the barmaid’s apron. Can’t something be done about him? I.T.S GETTY-ONMAR-WICK, Croydon

Wendy says: Yes, agreed. Or get a bigger bottle bin! Annoying!!! But no worse than "50p" every five seconds. (That's a point, I’ve not heard that this year). ........................................................ Dear Wendy, What can be done about DJs who play music too loud? Tinny Tuss, Purley Wendy says: There's no telling a DJ. Been there and tried it! Bloody annoying though, fair enough in a club, but it doesn't need to be THAT loud in a pub! TURN IT DOWN!! My poor ears :( ........................................................ Dear Wendy, Chas and Dave: Gertcha or The Sideboard Song? “Old Joanna”, Caterham Wendy says: Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit. You got more rabbit than Sainsburys

Wendy says: Does he not realise this joke wore off years ago. Silly boy. Do 34

Dear Wendy, Was Michael Jackson a genius or just a f**king old nonce? “Baffled”, Margate Wendy says: A very strange man who made some pretty damn good music. The nonce thing was never proved. But everyone has their own thoughts on it. ........................................................ Dear Wendy, Do you advocate having bubble and squeak with a fry-up or not? When I have a one night stand I usually have a fry up in a caff and often wonder if it’s off-putting to eat bubble and squeak in front of a new lover? “Eggy Pop”, Thornton Heath Wendy says: Well you've answered your own question there, it's a one night stand. Who cares. After seeing your sex face what could be worse? ........................................................ Dear Wendy, I am giving a lecture at my local Womens’ Institute entitled, Prostitution: Handy Way to Make Pin Money in a Credit Crunch or Royal Road to Fat Lips and Needles. Any thoughts? “Bandy” (Mrs.), Guildford Wendy says: I see no problem. Women sleep with fugly men after a few too many, so why not do it and get paid to do it. Just be safe and watch out for love puffs. During the credit crunch i would imagine only the rich men can afford to buy sex so you'll be raking it in.

A blatantly ripped off game for eagle-eyed readers...

ell, we say ripped off actually we like to think of it as more of an homage to two of our favourite telly programmes, The Hoobs and Harry Hill’s TV Burp. Yes, that’s right, we’re embarking on a year-long (or maybe more, or maybe less if no one enters) game - our very own version of ‘where has the knitted character been this week’. Except without a knitted character (we tried to win one - no joy). And without it being on telly. And with substantially shabbier prizes. And monthly. You get the idea, but if you don’t then a) where have you possibly been on Saturday nights that stopped you watching Harry Hill? and b) see below... Basically, every month one of the Deep-London minions will deposit the Editor’s very own prized Groove Hoob fluffy toy somewhere in sunny Croydon or the surrounding bits where Deep gets distributed. We’ll put him somewhere prominent (generally behind a bar I should imagine, but who knows) where he will stay until the closing date of the month’s competition, and when the next issue comes out we’ll move him somewhere else. All you have to do is spot our furry friend, e-mail or text us to let us know where you spotted him and you could win a mystery prize (ooOOOoooh!), which will probably consist of either a) something crap and fluffy which we’ve won in the groping grabber machine / coconut shy on Brighton Pier, or b) something else we’ve found lying around the office, or even c) something quite good. You’ll also get your picture in the magazine

and an immense amount of kudos, so it’s well worth keeping ‘em peeled and entering, I’m sure you’ll agree. Each month we’ll give you a tiny clue (and we mean tiny) as to Groove’s whereabouts, because the world is a big place for a little Hoob, and he’ll always be in one of our stockists’ premises (unless we get completely carried away, in which case we’ll tell you that we have), We will also, occasionally and just for our own amusement, adorn him with various items to reflect what’s going on that month (December, for example, sees our green fluffy friend wearing a fetching tinsel scarf). Remember, we don’t expect you to go trawling all over South London looking for a green Hoob with tinsel on (unless you really want to of course) but if on the course of your festive travels this month you happen to spot a green Hoob with tinsel on then really, what could be easier than to let us know and you may win a lovely prize (and get your picture in the mag and get kudos etc etc). So, without further ado, to your right you’ll find a bigger picture of 35

Groove in all his festive glory reposing with his little legs crossed, just so you know exactly what you’re looking for, and this month’s clue is - Groove is feeling at home in a pub. We did say they were tiny clues, and we only have about 150 pubs that stock the magazine so it’s jolly easy really, wot? To enter the competition simply e-mail where you saw our furry friend to hello@deep-london.co.uk with the subject line ‘Groove’, or text Groove and where you saw him to 07910 506197. Texts charged at standard Virgin message rate. Closing date for this month’s competition is 10th January 2010. Good luck and happy Hoobspotting...

Croydon rocker Nick Reeves has made a (semi) concept album about the late, great Beanos secondhand record shop. â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Bell Hill (for secondhand lovers)â&#x20AC;&#x2122; is an unusual musical elegy to the store. NICK BOOTH asked him some rock and roll questions about it.

he announcement of the closure of Beanos, anyone formerly the biggest secondhand record shop in love. Sometimes you just got to let the music speak. in the universe – and a sort of open university Bell Hill is about second-hand music shops and, of rock and roll – was a development that filled your because we are in Croydon, that particular emporium correspondent with melancholy thoughts. About three happens to be BEANOS (‘the largest years ago, when I first heard about second-hand music shop ANYWHERE’ owner David Lashmar’s decision to states the sign above the door). “Going into close it, I couldn’t have been more Bell Hill is about how music and love and Beanos, shocked if I’d heard that Fortnum and love and music can often become some searching out beautiful heady cocktail: a soundtrack to a Masons or Harrods were closing down. The store was institution. It stuff was your love, a soundtrack to a life. couldn’t go, could it? I was still saving ‘You and me/we’re free/we do what we rock’n’roll up the 120 quid to buy the gigantic please/from morning ‘til the end of the Jimi Hendrix box set that I’d first laid GCSE. They day.’ eyes on 20 years previously, when What sparked the should teach Beanos was round by the Dog and idea? this stuff in Bull. I nearly had the cash! 2009 started But, yes, Beanos (Est. 1975) could out a schools” close. The landscape of Britain is pretty changing, and changing rapidly. Why, quiet even the Café Royal has closed and is to be turned time for cassettes into a ghastly hotel in time to pick up 2012 trade. as a band: Local lo-fi rocker and hairdresser Nick Reeves aka Santiago had cassettes has commemorated the late record slipped back to emporium with his new album bell hill (for Spain to drum secondhand lovers). I asked him some questions with anarchoabout it: folk outfit Los What's Bell Hill "about" Caballos; Bell Hill is about falling in love on a cold and wet Caroline ‘Nic’ Monday. Mainwood and Bell Hill is about staying up late into the night in a Joseph were in bedsit on the Wellesley Rd; sitting on the carpet South America surrounded by dozens and dozens of albums. The writing ashtray suggests that you have been this way for travelogue; ‘db’ some time. The red wine warms your throat. Earlier was training to be a you managed to spill some – unsurprising really teacher and Squeeze judging by the state of the room- and a red wine stain ‘the’ Pips was has appeared on David Bowie’s face. To your left is the working on her trusty and ancient SHARP CASSETTE RECORDER, the motor (a wonderful REC and PLAY buttons are clicked into place and the wreck of a 1957 C60 is patiently waiting under the PAUSE. pink Bell Hill is about making up compilation tapes for your squeeze – because sometimes words don’t come easy to a teenager in love, or to

flush Cadillac). It seemed for a while that I was the only person left in town. I had been thinking about trying to write a bunch of songs based vaguely around the imminent demise of BEANOS and that they should be love songs. It wasn’t necessarily supposed to be a concept album but I wanted it to have some kind of story to it. I wanted to record a modern album about a second-hand music shop on antiquated technology – and I wanted it to somehow have a Ray Davies feel to it: a bit of humour. So, I dragged the old TASCAM 688 out from behind the sofa where it lived from year to year and set it up under the stairs in the kitchen. I seem to work best within a self-imposed framework and so around Easter time I gave myself two weeks to write and record what became Bell Hill. The routine would be wake up, breakfast, write a lyric, lunch, strum together some chords (generally E/F sharp/A/B/C sharp) on the acoustic and start recording. By teatime I wanted to mix the resulting song, then move on to the next the following morning. I don’t really like to procastinate over versions or fret over whether something should sound one way or another. It’s kinda important working with 8 tape not to get too precious – you wanna just get a good HOT signal and blast everything up into the RED. Do you think the passing of Beanos is sad? Yeah, it’s a sad thing about BEANOS passing on, but I guess it’s just a reflection of the times that we are living in: the state of the economy and the proliferation of the internet; digital downloads, etc. I’m not a businessman but it’s got to be tough out there to be selling a product that perhaps is thought of by some to be outdated or out of mode. It’s weird to think that music is just thought of as something to be purchased, or stolen and at the same time ends up quite disposable: that a medium as cool as a slab of vinyl is viewed

Nick Reeves: “Bell Hill is about how music and love and love and music can often become some beautiful heady cocktail.”

as some kinda antique. Even cds have lost their cache. I don’t really ‘get’ downloads – where’s the passion? Favourite staff member? I reckon my favourite staff member at BEANOS has got to be Mr. Christian. His tenure was short lived (I think he was around during the mid-90s). He joined up as a fresh faced boy in shorts and a ‘CARSHALTON BEECHES 1st NETBALL 11’ t-shirt and he would always have this briefcase with him – a metal one – and, obviously MAGIC SAM or KEITH O’KEEFE, or someone had to ask him what the briefcase was all about. It turns out that he would bring his lunch in every day – generally something pretty bizarre, like an orange, a jaffa cake and a Kleenex (well, I suppose it can all get quite messy!). When he left there he was a seasoned second-hand buff. Actually he left to do the whole beatnik/Guthrie thing: he got a 40

ticket to the states and spent a year riding the trains from east to west and back again, writing this crazy, languid poetry. Amazing! Walt Whitman didn’t have a clue! Mr. Christian! I wonder what’s in his case today? What’s all this about cassettes? Well, I’ve generally always recorded onto to tape and my first ventures into sound (1990) were recorded onto the, as then, new technology of the portastudio. Four tracks. 4 faders. Left and right. No bouncing. Straight to the source. CASSETTES? It just kinda stuck. It’s a pretty word too. A cool name actually. You could do a lot worse: most people do. I like the way you sing the word vinyl on Scratches in the Sunlight. What view do you take of your phrasing? Yeah, you picked up on that immediately didn’t you! – ‘vinyl…’ Ha! I don’t really know where my phrasing comes from. A lot of the

time the lyrics are the starting point, I don’t often edit or reassess. There’s a pleasure to be had from just physically writing some words down in a line and seeing what they look like together. Words rule. Vinyl… again, it’s a great word! Along with ‘awkward’. I think, visually, ‘awkward’ is my favourite word: it just looks like what it is! On the buses or Please Sir? On The Buses! Far more interesting to me as a kid. They were both pretty dire – classic British comedy, though. But, at least OTB offered some kinda view into the adult world – however skewed! Please, Sir… that was a weird one, wasn’t it? I mean the students were all about bloody 30! This thing, if I recall was supposed to be a school wasn’t it? Very odd. Creepy really. I always wanted to get a double decker bus when I grew up – I still may… when I do! ‘I ’ATE YOU BUTLER!’ Classic! Birds, buses, polyester, motorbike sidecar combinations, Olive. I used to fancy Olive. Can you recall your first visit to Beanos, Lord Lashmar's vinyl emporium? The first time I went into BEANOS I wanted to buy some 7inch by either LILLIPUT or else some DELTA 5. Something suitably leftfield and post punk. BEANOS was on Surrey Street at that time isn’t it where the pet food shop is now? Anyway it was always up the stairs, mind your head and into the cramped attic where RAY would watch you like a hawk and generally sneer at your ‘choice’. He kept all the juicy stuff behind the counter in these great wooden boxes that lined the walls. Each one was labelled. You know, like MOTOWN, U.S PUNK, GARAGE – whatever. And you’d have to ask RAY, ‘Hey, Ray. Can I have a look through some… you know, whatever. He’d sneer and drag out these bloomin’ boxes and lay it down on the counter. They were like bloody coffins! Fantastic! This wasn’t my thing you understand, but there was sure some slippery

teenage fingers up there – Mod Chaz used to pilfer to order apparently! He had this thing where he’d get you to zip him into his parka. Except that he wouldn’t put his arms in the sleeves – you know, he’d just keep his arms behind his back – all hidden away – and then he’d get you to stuff his ‘empty’ arms into the pockets – so it looked completely nonchalant, you know. This enabled him to look so goddamn innocent but at the same time he could back up to the racks and pilfer at will! Cheeky sod. Funny thing was RAY sussed him and chased him out the shop one day. The silly sod, trussed up like a chicken, tripped on the stairs and… broke his nose up proper! SMACK! He couldn’t even shield his face! Ha! I tend to think that the interestingness of South London bands will be diminished due to the passing of Beanos, a certain easy knowledge of the history of

Cassettes: “It’s a lovely word.”

pop music may decline because Beanos was a sort of living encyclopaedia of rock and roll. What I mean is, this could signal the end of the Pop Mannerist. Do you agree? The pop mannerist? I like that. I haven’t got a clue what that means but I’m guessing what you mean is that with the demise of BEANOS and the rise of the faceless, certain ‘secrets’, treasures, will be lost to the inquisitive. It’s great to be able to trawl around somewhere like BEANOS, searching out stuff, researching lineage. Chatting with the staff, making connections, learning, relearning your rock ’n roll knowledge. It’s like… some stuff… the VELVETS or your STOOGES or DEVO… all this stuff - it’s your rock ’n roll GCSE, isn’t it? They should teach this stuff at school. Kids today… they ain’t got a clue generally. It’s all leather trenchcoats and dystopias and rhyming skills of a four year old! – wake up dear! ………….(goes off into some

middle aged rant!!) OK, desert island vinyl: what five would you take to the desert island? Desert Islands…… mmm, desserts! Essential listening while you’re glistening. THE STYLISTICS: ROCKIN’ ROLL BABY (for the orthopaedic shoe line! Unbelieveably hilarious EVERY time! Pure – unintentional? genius) NEIL YOUNG: OUT OF MY MIND (for the cool phrasing) ADAM AND THE ANTS: CARTROUBLE PT.2 (from Dirk Wears White Sox lp.) – well, all you really need is an ice cream. STAN GETZ & ASTRID GILBERTO: GIRL FROM IPANEMA (first song I recall hearing on mum’s stereogram in 1971 – magic then, magic now) THE CARPENTERS: CLOSE TO YOU (my dad’s lullaby for me – er, when I was unbelieveably cute! – yeah, sometime ago but those lyrics just roll like wine… I mean milk) Can we we expect rocked up

versions of Bell Hill songs from the full cassettes band? Yeah, I met up with the other cassettes the other night and we headlined the DRAGON’S BALL at the GREEN DRAGON in August. It’s a fantastic venue – upstairs at the GD – ESTHER and ANDY K and STRRRRRRRANGE always put on a great night for bands and punters alike. No fluff. This is generally the real stuff. We’ve played there a few times and it’s always good. I like to get there early and go to town on the venue a bit, y’know, balloons and stuff; ESTHER’S cool with that – she encourages it – anyway it was one of our few gigs this year as a full line up and we did the honours. The cassettes family is generally quite fluid – we can go from just me and the acoustic right up to about 7 people. It all works. That night we were… er… a 6 piece: Joeseph, Caroline ‘nic’ Mainwood, Pips, Danny, Speedy, yours truly: a classic cassettes line up really! Fun.

Caroline "Niccy" Mainwood (cassettes bassist – Ed.). Discuss? Mainwood? She’s welsh, you know. Nothing wrong with that. Good hardy stock. Catch Nick in his solo Cassettes guise at The Black Sheep Bar’s night of Walt Disney mayhem, with live music also from 23 Enigma, Von Kleet, Jizz Malfunction, Oliver Sudden, Barry's Beard of Bees and more! 30th December 2009 Doors 7pm, £3 entry - proceeds to Croydon Mencap. You can hear bell hill (for secondhand lovers) by visiting Myspace.com/cassettesband A limited amount of copies are available for just five squid. Just see Nick (usually in the Dog and Bull at the weekend).

Stockists: CENTRAL CROYDON: • All Bar One • Bar Red Square • Bar Se7en • Beanos Records • Bedford Tavern • Black Sheep Bar • Brief • Bull’s Head • Clocktower (Tourist Info) • Dog & Bull • Eagle • Fairfield Halls • Goose on the Market • Gun Tavern • Green Dragon • Half and Half Lounge Bar • Loop Pool Bar • Milan Bar • Mojama • Natterjacks (St George’s Walk) • Royal Standard • Ship • Spreadeagle • Steelpoint Tattoo • Strictly UK (Tramms) • Surrey Cricketers • Tiger Tiger • Timebomb Clothing • Walkabout • Yates’s Wine Lodge EAST CROY: • Builders Arms • Glamorgan • Orchard • Oval • Porter & Sorter • Tramlink Info Centre • Warehouse Theatre WEST CROY: • Bird in Hand • Sims Tattoos • Davys Wine Bar • Forbidden Planet • Fox and Hounds • Windmill

SOUTH END & SOUTH CROY: • Bodega • Croham Arms • Crown & Pepper • Crown & Sceptre • Earl of Eldon • Edge • Folly • Jalalis • Kays Off Licence • LA Fitness (Royal Oak) • La Spezia Deli (Old Pharmacy - Swan & Sugarloaf) • Laithwaite’s Wines (opp. Windsor Castle) • Peking Tasty • Purley Arms • Rail View • Red Deer • Rupali • Ruskin House • Sackville Gallery • Scream Studios • Stag & Hounds • Sth Croydon BR • Swan & Sugarloaf • Txt Bar • Treehouse • Unwins (Swan & Sugarloaf) • Wheelwrights Arms • Windsor Castle • Woodman • Zizzi ADDISCOMBE: • Alma Tavern • Claret Free Hs • Cricketers PURLEY: • Baan Thai • Brass Monkey • Coffee Bay (by Purley BR) • Elliott’s • Jolly Farmers • Las Fuentes • Rectory • Purley BR • Purley Pool • Purley Oaks BR • Station Cars

Listings Index:

Pick up your copy of Deep from any of these lovely places:

What’s on? 45 full weekly and daily guide

PURLEY WAY: • Gipsy Moth • Premier Travel Inn Hotel • Green’s Gym

All our information was correct at the time of going to press, but as the only certainty in life is change, we suggest you check before heading out. The opinions and reviews which follow are those of the Editor and staff - if you have an issue to raise about them, please ring us, rather than the venue.

COULSDON: • The Pembroke OLD COULSDON: • The Fox • Tudor Rose

Got something going on? We’re not psychic, people - let us know! What’s on listings are FREE! Call Angela on 07910 506197 or e-mail: angela@deep-london.co.uk

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20 January 2010

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To advertise please call Angela the Editor on: 07910 506197 / 020 8680 3558 e-mail: angela@deep-london.co.uk 44

what’s on Book Now For: • Comedy: Chris Addison On tour from February 5th to April 1st. No Croydon dates but visits London, Epsom, Brighton amongst others www.chrisaddison.co.uk • Comedy: Julian Clary On tour from February 3rd to March 21st. No Croydon dates but visits London, Hastings, Worthing amongst others www.julianclary.co.uk • Comedy: Paul Merton’s Improv Chums On tour from April 23 to June 19th. No Croydon dates but visits London, and Brighton amongst others www.comedystoreplayers.com • Comedy: Count Arthur Strong On tour from January 12th to February 15th. No Croydon dates but hits Brighton on Feb 1st. www.countarthurstrong.com • Music: Paul Weller 27 & 28 May 2010. at The Royal Albert Hall www.paulweller.com • Music: Eric Clapton and Jeff Beck 14th February 2010. The boys and their bands perform together and apart at the 02 www.bookingsdirect.com • Music: Keane June 10, 11, 18, 19, 25, 26. The chaps perform with special guest at various forestry commission sites. Yes, it does sound odd. www.forestry.gov/music www.keanemusic.com

Something to do every night of the week, Yay! • Music: Jerry Dammers’ Spatial A.K.A Orchestra March 4th to April 9th. Brighton Dome on March 5th (booking line 01273 709709) • Music: Keane June 10, 11, 18, 19, 25, 26. The chaps perform with special guest at various forestry commission sites. Yes, it does sound odd. www.forestry.gov/music www.keanemusic.com • Music: Imogen Heap On tour February 7th - 19th Various venues including the Shepherd’s Bush Empire on the 19th. www.imogenheap.com • Music: Pearl Jam 25th June Hard Rock Calling at Hyde Park. www.hardrockcalling.co.uk 0844 847 2502 • Music: Sonisphere Festival 30th July - 1st August with Iron Maiden, Rammstein, Motley Crue, Alice Cooper, Iggy and the Stooges, Slayer, The Cult, Anthrax and more. Knebworth Park www.sonispherefestivals.com • Art: The Real Van Gogh: The Artist and his Letters 23 Jan to 18 April. Correspondence with his brother Theo and friends Anton van Rappard and Paul Gaugin, along with paintings and drawings. Tickets range from free for the under 7’s to £12. Royal Academy Of Arts, London, W1 0844 209 1919 www.royalacademy.org.uk

Every Day: • Theatre: Dick Barton: Quantum of Porridge Until 22nd February NOT MONDAYS Tickets from £11 to £17. Warehouse Theatre, Dingwall Road, Croydon 0208 680 4060. www.warehusetheatre.co.uk • Dance: Swan Lake Until 24th January The critically acclaimed Matthew Bourne version of Swan Lake. Not to be missed. Sadler’s Wells Theatre, London. www.sadlerswells.com, 0844 412 4300 • Theatre: Darker Shores Until 16th January A ghost story by Michael Punter. Cast includes Mark Gatiss and Julian Rhind-Tutt. £15-25. Hampstead Theatre, London, www.hampsteadtheatre.com 020 7722 9301 • Theatre: Rope Until 6 February By Patrick Hamilton. Almeida Theatre, London, www.almeida.co.uk 020 7359 4404 • Comedy: Kim Noble Will Die Until 9th January “Shocking, beautiful and profound. It will blow your mind” Time Out. Tickets from £10. Soho Theatre, London, www.sohotheatre.com. 020 7478 0100 • Photography: Taylor Wessing Photographic Portrait Prize 2009 Until 14 February Free admission. National Portrait Gallery, London, www.npg.org.uk • Photography: Wildlife Photographer of the Year Until 11 April Natural History Museum, London

The Year In Pictures...

December ‘08: The Hangovers smash it up; amazing cocktail tree/mushroom, with added foot. 45

January: A Midsummer Night’s Dream at The Novello Theatre

what’s on www.nhm.ac.uk/wildphoto • Art: Wild Thing: Epstein/GaudierBrzeska/Gill Until 24 January Royal Academy Of Arts, London www.royalacademy.org.uk 0844 209 1919

Every Monday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Monday - Saturday. Use it or lose it. Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Music: Community Choir 6-8pm, upstairs, all welcome. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Singing For The Nervous Free your voice with this friendly singing group, world harmony songs, rounds, chants. 6.30- 8pm. Adult ed rates. Upstairs in the Green Dragon pub, 58-60 Croydon High Street, CR0 1NA Please call/email to come along or get details. catherine@naturalvoice.net 020 8683 4737. • Music: Big Beer Band The marvellous Big Beer Band do big band music at the Brief. From 9pm ish The Brief, 48 George Street, Croydon 020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief • Club: Word To Your Mother Music from the 90’s – grunge, Britpop, dodgy pop and vanilla ice Half price drinks until 12am Doors 7pm, free before 10pm.

Something to do every night of the week, Yay! Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Gay: The Big Fun Gay Quiz Night fun and general knowledge quiz. Questions from all categories, games that everyone can enjoy. Start the week off with a bang! Starts 8pm The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net • Club: Blue Monday Buy one hour of Pool and recieve one hour free of charge. Don’t worry if you are on a one-hour lunch break - we will give you a voucher to use another day. If you are not a member you can join at reception free of charge if you bring some ID along. More about free membership. Half price on all drinks Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm Admission is free of charge Dress Code: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk

Every Tuesday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Use it or lose it. Monday - Saturday. Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Music: Jazz Jam Session Every Tuesday Night at The Lord Napier

Jazz Pub. All welcome. The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath. 020 8653 2286 • Quiz: The Pembroke 8pm. 50p per person per round. Plus 2 for 1 on pizzas. The Pembroke, 12-16 Chipstead Valley Road, Coulsdon, CR5 2RA 020 8763 0800 • Quiz: The Builders Arms Fun general knowledge quiz. The Builders Arms, 65 Leslie Park Road, Croydon, CR0 6TP 020 8654 1803 • Club: BAR WARS These are the drinks you're looking for… Every Tuesday at Black Sheep, the drinks deals are a force to be reckoned with...£1 a pint of Carlsberg, Olde English, Tetley's & Gaymers Pear Cider, £1 house spirit and mixer, £1 shot of Sourz or Wild! FREE entry before 9pm! Doors 7pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Freedom of Expression presents the best in acoustic music, comedy, poetry and magic - see daily what’s on for who’s playing when. From 8pm. FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Fitness: Yoga Classes Every Tuesday from 7.30pm-9pm. £5 a class for 6 sessions. Beginners welcome. 140 Brighton Road, Purley. 0208 763 2629 • Dance: Belly Dancing Come and join the fun every Tuesday. Classes are for women only and suitable

The Year In Pictures...

February: Pancake racing in Surrey Street, snow day shenanigans, Dave the erstwhile best barman in Croydon receives his award from CroydonHello! 46

what’s on for all ages, sizes and levels of ability. Make sure you wear comfortable clothing and bring a scarf to tie around your hips to really get you in the mood! Open level - suitable for all 6pm-7.15pm In depth class - suitable for experienced dancers only: 7.30pm-8.45pm. £7 per class. Call Charlotte Desorgher on 01342 850423 The Green Room, Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. Box Office: 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Dance: Ceroc Learn to Ceroc every Tuesday in the Arnhem Gallery. Ceroc is an exciting and stylish modern partner dance which can be performed to all types of music. It’s very easy to pick up, no special clothes are required and you don’t need to bring a partner as we make sure everyone mixes together. Beginners: 8pm; Intermediate: 9pm Freestyle: 9.30pm-11pm Membership £2, Admission £6 For further info tel: 020 8466 5030 or visit: www.cerockent.com Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. Box Office: 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk

Every Wednesday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Use it or lose it. Monday - Saturday. Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com

• Pool: The Oval Pool Competition Every Wednesday from 19.30 hrs. Balls and banter - a textbook night in the pub. £2 to enter, with cash prizes. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Quiz: Mike K’s General Knowledge Quiz From 9.00pm Mike K’s general knowledge quiz, non-members welcome! Caterham Club, 10A, Croydon Road, Caterham CR36QB • Quiz: Foxley Hatch Every Wednesday from 8pm. £1 entry per person - winner takes all. Maximum 4 on a team. The Foxley Hatch, Purley • Event: Talent Night Talent Night Open Mic. Every Wednesday. £200 prize! The Whyteleafe Tavern, 208 Godstone Road, Whyteleafe, CR3 0EE www.whyteleafetavern.com • Gay: Camp Bingo hosted by Miss Isla Blige. Starts 8pm with various prizes. Happy Hour Drinks when you buy your books until the first number is called. The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net • Club: King Of Clubs Loop Lounge Poker Night: It's the standard Texas Hold’em format that we all know and love. This night is open to all Loop Lounge members. To register an interest and book a place at our tables please visit our website. Open Midday until midnight Half price on all drinks:

Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry. Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Club: Discord NEW MUSIC EVERY WEDNESDAY - Check daily what’s on for who’s playing this month. Doors 7pm, £5 entry.plus Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm, plus £1 Tequila shots & £1 bottle of beer. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Dance: Dancercise Keep fit and meet new people at this fun and friendly beginners dance class. Come and join the fun every Wednesday. 7.30pm. £3.50. Central Court, Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Dance: Swing Patrol swing dance classes, 7pm, £5. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub

Every Thursday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Use it or lose it. Monday - Saturday. Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com

March: Broken legs and birthdays; Evelina Beckers and friends, Graeme and Fiona’s 6 years at The Oval bash 47

what’s on • Tattoos: Walk-In Day No need to book in advance on a Thursday only at Sims, get there early! 11am-6pm Sims Tattoos, 69 Windmill Road, Croydon, CR0 2XR, 020 8684 6967 • Quiz: Two Brewers From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Quiz: Crown and Sceptre From 9pm. Crown and Sceptre, 32 Junction Road, South Croydon, 020 8688 8037 • Quiz: Purley Arms Every Thursday.. Purley Arms, 345 Brighton Road, South Croydon, 020 8686 3792 • Quiz: JF Big Quiz From 8.30pm. £1 per player. Join in to win a case of beer or cash jackpot! The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Club: ALT.X Rock / Metal / Alternative with DJ Tony X plus guests. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 10pm, plus £1.50 shots of Jager all night! Free before 10pm, doors 7pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Live Blues Live blues at The Oval - see daily what’s on for who’s playing when. Every Thursday and Sunday. Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry! The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR. 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk

• Music: Live Jazz Check daily what’s on for who’s playing when. 8.15pm to 11pm. FREE! The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Dance: Clog Dancing Free taster sessions for newcomers to try out some lively N.W. English clog team dances - wear trainers or similar footwear. Musicians with portable acoustic instruments always welcome too. PLEASE CALL BEFORE HEADING OUT, as some Thursdays this night is not on. 8.30 pm. FREE! Call 020 8654 5211/020 8657 4056 (eves.) for details United Reformed Church Hall, corner Enmore/Cobden Road, S. Norwood • Dance: Morris Dancing North Wood Morris Men are teaching Men's Morris to complete beginners on Thursday evenings at the Scout Hut in Purley Park Road at 8.15 pm and newcomers are welcome (first call 020 8668 1830) see www.northwoodmorris.org.uk • Dance: The South East London Lindy Hop Club Come and learn to dance Lindy Hop (Jitterbug) like they did in the 1940's. No partner required and Caron and Steve specialise in helping those with two left feet get together with those with two right. Doors open 7.30pm Beginners Class 7.45pm Intermediate Class 8.30pm Freestyle (practice) 9.15pm The Royston Club, 85 Royston Road Penge, London, SE20 7QW www.52ndstreetjump.co.uk

Every Friday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Monday - Saturday. Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Music: DJs Every Friday Night The Folly, 13-15 Selsdon Road, Croydon, 020 8688 3920 • Music: Live Music Alternating live bands and karaoke every Friday Night The Bedford Tavern, 16 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EF, 020 8688 2584 • Karaoke: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8.30pm every Friday night. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Music: Oval DJs The regular Oval faves, plus guests, keeping Fridays funky. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Live Music Every Friday night from 8pm. Plus 2 for 1 on Corona and Jacques. The Pembroke, 12-16 Chipstead Valley Road, Coulsdon, CR5 2RA 020 8763 0800 • Event: Wii Night Every Friday evening. The View, 188 selsdon Road, South Croydon, CR2 6PL, 020 8688 2315. • Music: Free Jukebox Fridays Pickachoon for nowt.

The Year In Pictures...

April: Pat and Dave help us celebrate St George’s Day at The Dog and Bull, amazing artwork by Morgasmic down the Black Sheep Bar, fun fun fun at The Underground reunion party at The Ship 48

what’s on The Red Deer, 279 Brighton Road, South Croydon, CR2 6EQ, 020 8688 5599. • Club: WTF? Four decades of Indie, Alternative, Electro and Punk hits with DJ Zoe Urchin. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Starsound Gold DJ playing all styles of music. from 7pm The Swan and Sugarloaf, Brighton Road, South Croydon • Event: Whitechapel’s Trail of Terror A highly entertaining and informative tour round the East End hunting ground of Jack The Ripper with John ‘Creepy’ Chambers. CHECK THIS EVENT IS HAPPENING BEFORE HEADING OUT. www.myspace.com/ whitechapelstrailofterror 07507 391 706 • Photography: Camera Club Camera Club meeting in West Croydon every Friday night welcomes visitors and new members. Full programme of events including print/slide talks, portrait evenings, competitions, etc. Ample parking. Contact Colin on 020 8665 1678. Visit www.thorntonheathcameraclub.co.uk

Every Saturday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Monday - Saturday.

Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Market: Garden Market The Alma Garden Market hopes to create a vibrant bustling market place in the large private courtyard of The Alma pub in Crystal Palace. It runs every Saturday with over 20 stalls selling plants & flowers, beauty products & treatments, exotic oils, olive oils, capers, strawberries, chocolates, jewellery, hand made cards, rugs, leatherwear, knitwear, deli produce & a wide range of arts & crafts from local artists, plus hot food and collectables - and the Jerk Chicken man will be there! 10am - 4pm The Alma, 95 Church Road, Crystal Palace, London SE19 www.thealmapub.com • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday Night Portmanor, Portland Road, South Norwood, SE25 4UF, 020 8655 1308 • Music: New Orleans Jazz Quality live jazz every Saturday Night. From 8.30pm. £6 entry includes free raffle. Blackheath Hockey Club, Rubens Street, Sydenham, SE6 4DH (behind Old Rutland Pub) • Music: Various Live music every Saturday Night. The Surrey Cricketers, corner of Lower Coombe Street and West Street, Croydon. • Music: DJ Ian C Every Saturday Night from 8pm-midnight. The Red Deer, 279 Brighton Road, South Croydon, CR2 6EQ, 020 8688 5599. • Club: Linton Dance Bombs. Funk Rockets. Beat-Seeking Missiles. Never Outgunned. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm. Doors 7pm, free

May: Brighton races, tattooists and rollercoasters 49

before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: Tiger Tiger Tiger and Raffles Bar: with Capital FM Des Paul and Chris Brooks playing out the best in commercial party and dance anthems. Groovy Wonderland: 70’s and 80’s floor fillers. Club: Commercial House. Admission free before 10pm, £7 after Guestlist free before 11pm, £5 after Dress code: Dress to Impress - No Sportswear. Tiger Tiger, 14-16 High Street, Croydon, CR0 1GT. 020 8662 4949 www.tigertiger-croydon.co.uk • Music: Various Live music most Saturday nights. The Good Companions, Hamsey Green, South Croydon. 020 8657 6655

Every Sunday: • Music: New Orleans Jazz Every Sunday 12.30 - 2.30pm at The Lord Napier Jazz Pub. Entry £2, dance floor, raffle, great atmosphere at one of the longest running Jazz Pubs in Great Britain The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath. 020 8653 2286 • Music: Live Jazz Lunchtime Jazz every Sunday from 1pm. See daily what’s on for who’s playing this month. FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Live Blues Live blues at The Oval - see daily what’s

what’s on on for who’s playing when. Every Thursday and Sunday. Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry! The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Dance: Burlesque and Pole Dancing Lessons 5-7pm, sorry chaps, Ladies Only! Upstairs. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Quiz: The View Every Sunday evening. The View, 188 selsdon Road, South Croydon, CR2 6PL, 020 8688 2315. • Quiz: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8pm. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Karaoke: The White Horse Every Sunday Night from 7pm. The White Horse, 1 Selhurst Road, Selhurst, South Norwood, 020 8240 0948 • Music: Open Mic Musicians (all instruments) welcome. With one of our 4 fantastic hosts: Dave Mac, Rob Cushman, Neil Mac and Steve Bright The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Road, Purley, CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Poker: The Alma Tavern From 6pm. The Alma Tavern, Lower Addiscombe

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on Road, Addiscombe, East Croydon • Event: Whitechapel’s Trail of Terror A highly entertaining and informative tour round the East End hunting ground of Jack The Ripper with John ‘Creepy’ Chambers. CHECK THIS EVENT IS HAPPENING BEFORE HEADING OUT. www.myspace.com/ whitechapelstrailofterror 07507 391 706

Got something going on? Let us know e-mail: angela@deeplondon.co.uk Monday 21 December • Club: UV Paint Party High Power UV Lights! Body Painters! Trippy Visuals!...HARD DANCE! Come and decorate yourself under our high power UV Christmas lights! There will be body painters on the night, as well as amazing wall art, projections and music you can rave to, courtesy of DJ Yarpy. Doors 8pm til late £4 all night Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar

• Sport: Kempton Races Horseracing. More details from: www.kempton.co.uk • Music: Live Music band tbc The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Event: The Monday Night Before Christmas The annual Moyz II Hen Christmas Panto. Be afraid. 9pm. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: The Monday Night Before ChristmasChristmas Singalong with The Big Beer Band The Brief, George Street, Croydon

Tue 22 • TV: Oliver Postgate: A Life in Small Films Heartfelt tribute to the man behind The Clangers, Noggin the Nog and Bagpuss. 8pm. BBC4. • Club: BAR WARS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! These are the drinks you're looking for… Every Tuesday at Black Sheep, the drinks deals are a force to be reckoned with...£1 a pint of Carlsberg, Olde English, Tetley's & Gaymers Pear Cider, £1 house spirit and mixer, £1 shot of Sourz or Wild! FREE entry before 9pm! Doors 7pm.. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Energy from 9pm.

The Year In Pictures...

June: The Editor and Razzo make it on to the BBC by dint of lurking behind the jockeys on Derby day, Size Nine’s Hannah and Joe get married 50

Please mention Deep-London when visiting venues... The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Musical: Never Forget Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. 0208 688 9291. www.fairfield,co,uk • Panto: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. 0208 688 9291. www.fairfield,co,uk

Wed 23 • Club: SLAUGHTERHOUSE FETISH BALL: DARK CHRISTMAS Eagerly anticipated Christmas fetish night… dress dirty and dark for Santa! Doors 7pm, £4 before 10pm, £6 after. Cheap Sheep drinks deals 7-9 plus £1 Jager shots all night! Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Dragon’s Ball Slabdragger, Leevil, Honey Ride Me A Goat. FREE ENTRY. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Dr Smutglove - live music (fancy dress (Doctors and Nurses) optional) The Ship, High Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/theshipofcroydon • Music: 9 LIVES from 9pm. The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk

• Musical: Never Forget Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. 0208 688 9291. www.fairfield,co,uk • Panto: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. 0208 688 9291. www.fairfield,co,uk • Comedy: Christmas Comedy Cabaret Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. 0208 688 9291. www.fairfield,co,uk

Thu 24 - CHRISTMAS EVE • TV: Victoria Wood’s Midlife Christmas 9pm. BBC1. • Music: Primo Blues There'll be no room at the inn tonight, as number one UK blues drummer Sam and his soulful, cookin' band bring a cool, funky groove to the bleak mid-winter. Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry! The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Party: The Green Dragon No details I’m afraid but bound to be good. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: XMAS EVE SHEEP FAMILY GATHERING with DJs Colt and Thom Doors 7pm, £5 all

what’s on night. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: DJs Hound Dog Geoff, Elmo and Sean - open until 2am The Ship, High Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/theshipofcroydon • Music: Miss Nicaragua’s Massive Christmas Eve Party! The chaps take over the whole venue, from 8pm. The Scream Lounge, 20 South End, Croydon, CR0 1DN www.myspace.com/screamstudios 020 8099 4624 020 8686 5788 lounge@screamstudios.co.uk • Music: DAVE MAC AND PJ CHRISTMAS PARTY free entry As is JF tradition, Dave and PJ will make you wish it was Christmas every day! Great variety of classic covers, both old and new. The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Party: Christmas Eve Party FREE Entry. Open til midnight. The Edge, 1 South End, Croydon • Party: Christmas Eve Party DISCO FROM 8PM The Brass Monkey, 6-8 Russell Hill Road Purley, CR8 2LA 020 8660 8998 • Musical: Never Forget Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. 0208 688 9291. www.fairfield,co,uk

July: UFOs over Croydon? (A pint to the first person who correctly identifies what this is... e-mail: hello@deep-london.co.uk), the fantasy football massive, ongoing home-grown garlic saga’s disappointing denouement. 51

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... • Panto: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. 0208 688 9291. www.fairfield,co,uk • Party: Bar Se7en Xmas Bash FREE DRINKS ALL NIGHT LONG. LIVE PA BY SHEA SOUL ON THE NIGHT PERFORMING THE BIGGEST FUNKY HOUSE TUNE AROUND "MAKE IT FUNKY FOR ME". DJ'S PLAYING THE BEST IN FUNKY HOUSE, UK GARAGE, R'N'B, CLUB CLASSICS, BASHMENT AND PARTY TUNES. LADIES ENTRY: £20 UNLIMITED FREE DRINKS ALL NIGHT. GENTS ENTRY: £25 UNLIMITED FREE DRINKS ALL NIGHT. DOORS OPEN 9 TILL LATE... FOR MORE INFORMATION CALL STEVE 07950890631 / SNIPER: 07789734751 MESSAGE BAR SE7EN FACEBOOK ( BARSEVENCROYDON) DRESS CODE: SMART AND SEXY, NO CAPS, HOODS OR AIR BUBBLES... Bar Se7en, The Arcade, High Street, Croydon

Fri 25 - CHRISTMAS DAY Happy Christmas to all our readers! • Radio: Derek Smalls The Tapmeister takes over for 2 hours, with guest Nigel Tufnell and David St Hubbins. Yes, really. 10am. BBC6 Music. • Radio: A Magical Manilow Christmas Again, yes, really. 1pm. Radio 2 • TV: The Gruffalo Animation. 5.30pm. BBC1 • TV: Doctor Who

The beginning of the end for the 10th Doctor. Boo!! 6pm. BBC1 • TV: Blackadder The Third Amy and Amiability. 8.30pm. BBC2 • TV: Catharine Tate: Nan’s Christmas Carol Nan is visted by Christmas ghosts David Tennant, Ben Miller and Roger Lloyd Pack. 10.30. BBC1.

Sat 26 - BOXING DAY • TV: Hamlet The recent triumphant RSC production comes to BBC2. DO NOT MISS! 5.05pm. BBC2 • TV: The Morecambe and Wise Christmas Show Relive Christmasses past. 9.10pm. BBC2 • TV: Harry Hill’s TV Burp Review of the Year Hurrah! 6.30pm. ITV1. • TV: Peep Show The whole of the 5th series. From 9pm. E4. • Club: Winter Wonders – Boxing Day Special DJs Steve Smart (Kiss 100), Sons of Audio, Jessica Rabbit, Tribal Audio, James Murray, Kure, Twisted K, Lewis James, Lee Holt 9pm until 4am Advance tickets £7, more on the door Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Sport: Kempton Races William Hill Winter Festival including The King George. Jumps horseracing. More

details from: www.kempton.co.uk • Sport: Crystal Palace FC at home to Ipswich Town. 1pm Kick off. More details from www.cpfc.co.uk • Music: MADDY BLACK free entry As is JF tradition, Dave and PJ will make you wish it was Christmas every day! Great variety of classic covers, both old and new.Scorching rock guitar from one hell of a lady. Popular rock covers delivered with passion and fire. 9.30pm The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Party: Boxing Day Party OPEN 12 TILL 12AM DISCO FROM 8PM! The Brass Monkey, 6-8 Russell Hill Road Purley, CR8 2LA 020 8660 8998 • Musical: Never Forget Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. 0208 688 9291. www.fairfield,co,uk • Panto: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. 0208 688 9291. www.fairfield,co,uk

Sun 27 • TV: Knowing Me Knowing Yule with Alan Partridge Classic comedy. 10pm. BBC2 • TV: I’m Alan Partridge Two episodes. From 11.35pm. BBC2. • Music: Alex & Willie Garnett Quartet Do not miss this band - (kcjazz): BE EARLY

The Year In Pictures...

August: Get Loaded In The Park, runner up in the annual ‘pub garden in bloom’ competititon, a day out by the river Wandle 52

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... !!!. Lunchtime Jazz every Sunday from 1pm. FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub Music: Giles Headley Duo No cold turkey, as rootsy polymath Giles delivers his usual delta-fed passion and grit; backed up by bass powerhouse Richard Sadler. Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry! The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023. www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Sport: Kempton Races William Hill Winter Festival. Jumps horseracing. More details from: www.kempton.co.uk • Music: The Sunday Service with DJ Father Geoff and Elmo The Choirboy The Ship, High Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/theshipofcroydon • Music: Acoustic Sunday Guests tbc. 7pm. The Scream Lounge, 20 South End, Croydon, CR0 1DN www.myspace.com/screamstudios 020 8099 4624 020 8686 5788 lounge@screamstudios.co.uk • Musical: Never Forget Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. 0208 688 9291. www.fairfield,co,uk • Panto: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. 0208 688 9291. www.fairfield,co,uk

Mon 28 Bank Holiday! • TV: The Day of the Triffids Day of the hangovers, more like. 9pm. BBC1 • TV: An Englishman In New York John Hurt reprises his role as ‘England’s Stately Homo’ Quentin Crisp. 9pm. ITV1 • TV: The South Bank Show The last one ever looks at the RSC. 10.45pm. ITV1. • Club: ALT. X-MAS PARTY Since Christmas comes but once a year, we have SHIFTed your Rock / Metal / Alternative party to Monday for an Xtra special Xmas edition! DJ Tony Xmas plus guests. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 10pm, plus £1.00 shots of Jager all night! Free before 10pm. Doors 7pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Aviva 9 piece Latin Band (playing In Main Bar) from 1pm. FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Sport: Crystal Palace FC away to Swansea City. 3pm Kick off. More details from www.cpfc.co.uk • Music: Tenyson / 23 Enigma From 8pm.. The Scream Lounge, 20 South End, Croydon, CR0 1DN www.myspace.com/screamstudios 020 8099 4624, 020 8686 5788 lounge@screamstudios.co.uk • Musical: Never Forget Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9

1DG. 0208 688 9291. www.fairfield,co,uk • Panto: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. 0208 688 9291. www.fairfield,co,uk

Tue 29 • TV: The Many Faces of June Whitfield Juuuuuune! 9pm. BBC2 - preceded at 8.30 by a Christmas Terry and June and followed at 10pm by Absolutely Fabulous. • Club: BAR WARS Every Tuesday at Black Sheep, the drinks deals are a force to be reckoned with...£1 a pint of Carlsberg, Olde English, Tetley's & Gaymers Pear Cider, £1 house spirit and mixer, £1 shot of Sourz or Wild! FREE entry before 9pm! Doors 7pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Martin Blackwell Quartet Featuring Ian Ballantine on Vibes. Jazz Every last Tuesday Lunchtime 12.15 to 2.30pm ADMISSION FREE - BE EARLY !!! Tickets: FREE. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Musical: Never Forget Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. 0208 688 9291. www.fairfield,co,uk • Panto: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. 0208 688 9291. www.fairfield,co,uk

September/October: Llama action! at Deen City Farm, Intriguing wall of zen signage in Crystal Palace, Origami swans float on the dog’s covered outdoor pool table 53

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on...

Wed 30 • TV: The Turn Of The Screw The Christmas ghost story returns! Adaptation of Henry James’s supernatural tale of a governess who suspects the children she’s looking after are hiding a secret. Spooky stuff. 9pm. BBC1 • TV: The Wicker Man Celebrate the work of Croydon’s own, the late Edward Woodward (or EwarWoowar, as we prefer to call him) in this classic horror film. 10pm. ITV4. • Club: DISNEY CHRISTMAS PARTY The Black Sheep Bar present a star studded night of Walt Disney mayhem, with live music from 23 Enigma, Von Kleet, Jizz Malfunction, Oliver Sudden, Cassettes, Barry's Beard of Bees and more! Dress up as your favourite Disney character and rock out to the films, music and fun that built an empire. Doors 7pm, £3 entry - proceeds to Croydon Mencap. Cheap Sheep 7-9 plus £1 bottled beer and £1 tequila shots all night!. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Sport: Lingfield Races Flat horseracing. More details from: www.lingfield-racecourse.co.uk • Sport: Kempton Races Evening Flat horseracing. More details from: www.kempton.co.uk • Music: Hannah White The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Musical: Never Forget Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. 0208 688 9291. www.fairfield,co,uk

• Panto: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. 0208 688 9291. www.fairfield,co,uk

Thu 31 - NEW YEAR’s EVE • TV: Graham Linehan Night Episodes of Black Books, Father Ted and The IT Crowd. From 9pm. More4. • TV: Jools’s Annual Hootenanny In case you’re in at this point. Florence and the Machine, Dizzee Rascal, Bit George, Lily Allen and Tom Jones perform. 11pm. BBC2 • Club: NYE WITH LINTON free before 9pm, £5 after. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: Dirty Disclosure The New Year's Eve Ball Party after party, event after event, 2009 has seen some major highs so to top that we are going out with a bang. Dirty disclosure brings the ultimate in class as we celebrate new year's eve in style at the plush Dirty Disclosure Ball. 12 acts, amazing freebies, special effects, and the dirtiest house to the sexiest electro keeping you hyped until the early hours of 6am 2009! Marcella Woods (Live PA and counting us down at midnight), The Loose Cannons, Local Heroes, Twisted Twins, George Turner, James Murray, Twisted K, Sho Rock Kid Audio, Hatesy, Plus: Free glass of bubbly upon entry before midnight. For more information contact

what’s on info@dirtydisclosure.co.uk 8pm until 6am Advanced tickets £30, more after For tickets: • Go direct to Loop Lounge in Croydon • Go direct to Unique Menswear in Bromley • Contact us phone or text message 07743 518 649 • Buy online at www.ticketweb.co.uk coming soon. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Party: The Green Dragon No details I’m afraid but bound to be good. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Party: The Oval’s NYE Shindig One resolution worth keeping: get down the Oval for end of year shenanigans; and a late finish to stay up for. TICKETS ONLY – ASK AT THE BAR. ONE SALE WORTH QUEUEING IN THE COLD FOR... The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Fancy Dress Party: The Ship New Years Eve with Swedish Dave & Zoe Urchin. Angels and `Demons theme - see our myspace at www.myspace.com/theshipofcroydon • Music: The Traitors, Wonk Unit, The Kinstons, B-Movie From 8pm. The Scream Lounge, 20 South End, Croydon, CR0 1DN www.myspace.com/screamstudios

The Year In Pictures...

November: Origami swans floating on the outside pool table at the Dog and Bull, Fun with photography and fireworks at Lingfield Racecourse’s annual torchlit parade, bonfire and firework display spectacular... 54

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... 020 8099 4624, 020 8686 5788 lounge@screamstudios.co.uk • Party: The Jolly Farmers £10 per person. Includes party, prizes , buffet... We will be open 7:30pm – 2am on the night, and RUFF N’ NUFF will steal the show!! Booked following their successful debut at the farmers in November. Fancy dress theme (optional, but prizes to be won) Stars of Music – be any Rock or Pop star from any decade! entry by ticket only. Please get your tickets early to avoid disappointment. The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Music: Size Nine and Raison D’Etre NYE Party 20:30 to 05:30.12 Pounds early birds, 17 pounds after and 22 pounds on the door! Hootenanny, Brixton • Music: Beats The Bishop 21:00 - 01:00 Come and see the New Year in with Roger, Jimbo and Paul with special guest John O'Leary. A fantastc mix of soul, rock and blues this Hogmanay / New Year's Evepromises to be a night to remember. Music starts at 9pm and finshes the next year! £5 in advance - £7 on the door. Buffet included...allegedly! Earl of Eldon, Brighton Road, South Croydon

Friday 01 January 2010 - NEW YEAR’s DAY Happy New Year to all our readers! • TV: Doctor Who

The end of the end for the 10th Doctor. More Boo!! 6.40pm. BBC1 • TV: The Faces: Sight and Sound In Concert A performance by the band. 10.50pm. BBC4. • Poetry: Poets Anonymous Poetry at the Dog and Bull, Surrey Street, Croydon, Surrey. Floor spots. From 8pm. £2 waged, £1 unwaged. Contact Peter for further details; peter@poetsanon.org.uk, 020 8645 9956. • Music: WOT’s COOKIN with Steve Boyce 9:30pm Hugely popular on their last gigs, save some energy to see these guys play, they’re worth it.. The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Club: WTF! Four decades of Indie, alternative, electro and punk hits from DJ Zoe Urchin. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm. Doors 7pm, free entry before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar

Sat 02 • Sport: Sandown Races Jumps horseracing. Esher. More details from: www.sandown.co.uk • Sport: Crystal Palace FC away to Sheffield Wednesday. 3pm Kick off. More details from www.cpfc.co.uk • Club: DJ Linton Dance bombs. Funk Rockets. Beat-seeking missiles. Never outgunned. The biggest

dancefloor monsters from DJ LINTON. Because it's war on the dancefloor. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm. Doors 7pm, free entry before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: DJ Rob Delta 1st Saturday of every month. Funk, blues, soul and psychedelia. FREE entry! The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk

Sun 03 • Music: The Sunday Service with DJ Father Geoff and Elmo The Choirboy The Ship, High Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/theshipofcroydon • Music: Beth Packer’s Death Cat Bone The New Year sees a new act for the Oval as Beth and her four-piece felines take classics from the bare blues roots through to 60s soul and makE them their own. With plenty of energy and a bit of old fashioned grit, they’ll give you a night worthy of your dancing shoes! Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry! The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Sport: Plumpton Races Jumps horseracing. Near Brighton. More details from: www.plumptonracecourse.co.uk

November / December: Nice parking near The Oval, It’s not quite another snow day but pretty nonetheless - the NLA tower gets a light covering and the morning after. 55

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... • Sport: Kempton Races Flat horseracing. Just outside London. More details from: www.kempton.co.uk • Club: Common People Christmas Bash 'Return of The Spivs for student farewell Indie shakedown!' The mighty COMMON PEOPLE indie night returns for one night featuring former Tuesday DJs THE SPIVS playing the coolest Indie Rock 'N' Roll with live music from gutsy indie kids THE MOCKINGBIRD. Doors 7pm, FREE ENTRY BEFORE 9PM, £2 after. Plus CHEAP SHEEP drinks deals 7-9! Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar

Mon 04 • Sport: Lingfield Races Flat horseracing. More details from: www.lingfield-racecourse.co.uk • Music: Croydon Jazz Band Big band jazz - 1st Monday of every month Botley Hill Farmhouse, Limpsfield Road, Warlingham Surrey, CR6 9QH. Phone: 01959 577154 email: enquiries@botleyhillfarmhouse.co.uk

Fri 08 See Every Friday

Sat 09 • Poetry: Poets Anonymous Poetry in the Primary Room, United Reformed Church, Addiscombe Grove, Croydon, Surrey. 2.30-4.00pm. £2.00. Bring your poetry to read and share. Contact Peter for further details; peter@poetsanon.org.uk, 020 8645 9956 • Sport: Lingfield Races Flat horseracing. More details from: www.lingfield-racecourse.co.uk • Sport: Crystal Palace FC home to Bristol City. 3pm Kick off. More details from www.cpfc.co.uk

Sun 10 • Music: The Sunday Service with DJ Father Geoff and Elmo The Choirboy The Ship, High Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/theshipofcroydon

Mon 11 • See Every Monday

Tue 05 • Music: Live Jazz Every first Tuesday of the month from 5 piece jazz band. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544

Wed 06 See Every Wednesday

Thu 07 • Sport: Kempton Races Evening Flat horseracing. Just outside London. More details from: www.kempton.co.uk • Music: The New Delta Big Band From Ellington to Herman, big band jazz at its best! 8.15pm to 11pm. FREE! Every 1st and 3rd Thursday of the month. The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Bingo: Cash Bingo Every 1st Thursday of the month. The White Horse, 1 Selhurst Road, Selhurst, South Norwood, 020 8240 0948 • Music: Jam Session Alternate Thursdays - Please check before heading out. Portmanor, Portland Road, South Norwood, SE25 4UF, 020 8655 1308

Tue 12 • Music: Freedom Of Expression The Blowpipes, Stephen McGourty, The Lucky Face, Eddie's Brother, Living Room. The very best in acoustic music from around London and further afield Tickets: FREE The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub

South Norwood, SE25 4UF, 020 8655 1308 • Music: The Brian Hetherington Jazz Band Listen or jive to the authentic rythyms of New Orleans. 8.30pm-11pm. FREE! Every 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month. The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Music: Open Mic Every 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month - all welcome The Good Companions, Hamsey Green, South Croydon. 020 8657 6655 • Comedy / Theatre: Mark Thomas: The Manifesto The economy’s bust, the environment broken and governments have run out of ideas, the only people who can save the day… is us! Join comedian and activist Mark Thomas as he creates a People’s Manifesto to light our way through the gloom. 2 policies chosen so far are: 1. Anyone who supports ID cards should be banned from having curtains. 2. No one should be allowed a 2nd home until everyone has a 1st home... “A human time bomb who mixes comedy with old fashioned investigative journalism…very funny, irrepressible and devilishly clever.” The Irish Times “A brilliant investigative journalist disguised as a comedian…very funny indeed.” Daily Telegraph CREATED BY MARK THOMAS + THE AUDIENCE EACH NIGHT Full Price £12 Concessions £10 Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street CR9 1ET, 020 8253 1030 www.wegottickets.com

Fri 15

Wed 13 • Sport: Kempton Races Evening Flat horseracing. Just outside London. More details from: www.kempton.co.uk • Music: Golden Tanks Plus more tbc. From 8pm. The Scream Lounge, 20 South End, Croydon, CR0 1DN www.myspace.com/screamstudios 020 8099 4624 020 8686 5788 lounge@screamstudios.co.uk

Thu 14 • Music: Jam Session Alternate Thursdays - Please check before heading out. Portmanor, Portland Road, 56

• Music: Heavy Load Club Soda Presents.......Heavy Load This motley crew of Brighton Rockers are a punk band some of who have learning disabilities and some don't. Heavy Load have been together for over 13 years and have become cult heroes.They've managed to survive through their raucous energy, attitude and sheer volume and have played in New York and at Glastonbury Festival, as well as playing regularly around the UK. Heavy Load have unwittingly rediscovered the true meaning of what punk is - punk is not about haircuts - badges - nose rings or snarls - punk is saying how you feel ignoring the trendies and speaking the truth. Heavy Load are supported by Rewired DJ's + Live projection + Zombie Crash + Catherine O'Rourke + William Slack + The Pretty Dolls

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... "The most important punk band playing live in the Uk today. " Sunday Times 7 - 11pm. £6. Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street CR9 1ET, 020 8253 1030 www.wegottickets.com

Sat 16 • Sport: Lingfield Races Flat horseracing. More details from: www.lingfield-racecourse.co.uk • Sport: Crystal Palace FC away to Plymouth. 3pm Kick off. More details from www.cpfc.co.uk • Sport: Old Whitgiftians RFC at home to Battersea Ironsides. 2.15pm FREE entry. Kick off. The Clubhouse Croham Manor Rd, South Croydon, Surrey, CR2. 0020 8686 2127 www.owrfc.co.uk • Music: Annihilated, Inner Eded, Juggernaut, 16 Guns From 8pm. The Scream Lounge, 20 South End, Croydon, CR0 1DN www.myspace.com/screamstudios 020 8099 4624, 020 8686 5788 lounge@screamstudios.co.uk • Theatre: Princess and the Pea Theatre for kids 11.00am start. Warehouse Theatre, Dingwall Road, Croydon 0208 680 4060. www.warehusetheatre.co.uk

Sun 17 • Music: The Sunday Service with DJ Father Geoff and Elmo The Choirboy The Ship, High Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/theshipofcroydon

Mon 18 See Every Monday

Tue 19 • Music: Freedom Of Expression Mark Woods and Laveer + open mic The very best in acoustic music from around London and further afield Tickets: FREE The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub

Wed 20 • Sport: Lingfield Races Flat horseracing. More details from: www.lingfield-racecourse.co.uk • Sport: Kempton Races

Evening Flat horseracing. Just outside London. More details from: www.kempton.co.uk

Thu 21 • Music: The New Delta Big Band From Ellington to Herman, big band jazz at its best! 8.15pm to 11pm. FREE! Every 1st and 3rd Thursday of the month. The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Music: Jam Session Alternate Thursdays - Please check before heading out. Portmanor, Portland Road, South Norwood, SE25 4UF, 020 8655 1308

Fri 22 See Every Friday

Sat 23 • Sport: Ascot Races Victor Chandler Day. Jumps horseracing. More details from: www.ascot.co.uk • Music: Torn Asunder Plus more tbc. From 8pm. The Scream Lounge, 20 South End, Croydon, CR0 1DN www.myspace.com/screamstudios 020 8099 4624 020 8686 5788 lounge@screamstudios.co.uk • Music: DJ Benny Many Hats Playing the way only Benny can. FREE entry! The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk

Wed 27 • Sport: Lingfield Races Flat horseracing. More details from: www.lingfield-racecourse.co.uk • Sport: Crystal Palace FC away to Newcastle. 7.45pm Kick off. More details from www.cpfc.co.uk

Thu 28 • Music: Jam Session Alternate Thursdays - Please check before heading out. Portmanor, Portland Road, South Norwood, SE25 4UF, 020 8655 1308 • Music: The Brian Hetherington Jazz Band Listen or jive to the authentic rythyms of New Orleans. 8.30pm-11pm. FREE! Every 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month. The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Music: Open Mic Every 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month - all welcome The Good Companions, Hamsey Green, South Croydon. 020 8657 6655

Fri 29 • Music: Black Water, Tainted Saints Plus more tbc. From 8pm. The Scream Lounge, 20 South End, Croydon, CR0 1DN www.myspace.com/screamstudios 020 8099 4624. 020 8686 5788 lounge@screamstudios.co.uk

Sat 30

Sun 24 • Music: The Sunday Service with DJ Father Geoff and Elmo The Choirboy The Ship, High Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/theshipofcroydon

Mon 25 See Every Monday

Tue 26 • Music: Freedom Of Expression Anon Bella, Andi McBurnie, Alice Doyne, Liz Crawford. The very best in acoustic music from around London and further afield. Tickets: FREE The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub 57

• Sport: Lingfield Races Flat horseracing. More details from: www.lingfield-racecourse.co.uk • Sport: Crystal Palace FC home to Peterborough. 3pm Kick off. More details from www.cpfc.co.uk • Sport: Old Whitgiftians RFC at home to Bec Old Boys. 2.15pm Kick off. FREE entry! The Clubhouse Croham Manor Rd, South Croydon, Surrey, CR2. 0020 8686 2127 www.owrfc.co.uk

Sun 31 • Sport: Kempton Races Flat horseracing. Just outside London. More details from: www.kempton.co.uk • Event: New Issue of DEEP out toady!

This month’s stars are a retrospective, if you will. Like the ghost of star-signs past. Don’t be disappointed, however - you never know, they might actually be right this time... Aries

Mar 21-Apr 20

WORK: Does your colleagues locking you in the filing cabinet count as working? It does? Ok, well in that case a productive year work-wise. LOVE: It’s never simple is it, love? I mean, I love Leona Lewis and yet when I ask the Editor to arrange to meet her she reminds me of my wife and child. Love is cruel. FRIENDS: I thought of a good idea for a television programme. Basically a lot of people are struggling to get on the housing market so you get some couples to guess how many bricks it takes to build a house. They get to see the plans of course and various parts of the build are completed by celebrities, as well as the contestants, then the winner gets the house. I’m full of good ideas. And ribena. MONEY: £

Gemini

May 21-Jun 21

WORK: Please do not attach barcodes or write on lid. LOVE: For you love is very much like a baguette. It comes in different sizes and can be quite crusty. FRIENDS: I’m still wondering who Arnold Glasgow was or is. MONEY: Did you know that the currency of Laos is the kip? Go on; see if you can make your own joke up this time, save me bothering…

Aquarius

Jan 21-Feb 19

WORK: Honestly, take it from me Aquarius, work is sooooo last season. I haven’t done a proper job for oooh, about fifty-nine minutes now and I don’t miss it for a second. Hang on a tick; I’ll be back in a mo, someone is calling me, what do they want, what’s that? Oh, apparently my lunch break is over now so I’ve got to go and fillet some fish. Peace out, lazytown.

Taurus

FRIENDS: I’ve been writing these star signs for over six years now and it amazes me that you still read them and expect me to say something nice. For six years, nothing changes, including the number of numbers in your mobile – one (your psychologist). I see a good year friendswise ahead though…

MONEY: Finally and fourthly, as a result of having a job and a love life and seemingly new friends, you realise that spending all your money on special brew and hanging around that poor excuse for a park near the council buildings isn’t the be all and end all of life. Father-in-law, I’m happy for you.

MONEY: …provided of course you have the money to perhaps procure some for a night. Try www. friends4hire.co.uk

STAR SIGNS CONTINUE ON PAGE 60

Apr 21-May 20

WORK: Strangely enough the four different facets of these star signs – work, love, friends and money are practically inter-changeable for you next year Taurus. Let me explain. Firstly, at the start of LOVE: It’s been an interesting few years February you finally get a job. Well done. for me, what with the new addition (remember them? Pass the duchy and all LOVE: Secondly, having got a job in that?) and stuff. Of course the down side February, you fall in love as well, with the of it all has been the new romantic person who sits next to you. entanglements I’ve got myself in. You try Congratulations! (What reason did they explaining to your missus that Fifi and give for going on long-term sick in Stephanie are not two of the lovely ladies March?) from Hustler (send a free pass in the post yeah? Thanks). *For all those reading this FRIENDS: Thirdly, not only do you fall in that don’t have children and never will love as a result of getting your new job, (you know who you are), firstly that but you also genuinely believe that thought provides me with many smiles, someone giving you a job means they like and secondly the two named are off the you…if only you knew that Gerry McCann’s application went missing… TV. Just thought I’d clear that up.

Continued from page 58... Virgo

Aug 23-Sep 22 Capricorn

WORK: One of the few things I like about work is that it means you get to spend time with people you hate; therefore giving you a greater appreciation of those you love. When you think of it that way it’s much better.

Dec 22-Jan 20

WORK: You take a job as a midget in March but when it comes to getting your pay packet and paying the bills you’re always left a little short.

LOVE: Regrettably again it falls to me to inform you that giving your number to a LOVE: Is Morrissey playing this year? If stranger does not actually mean you’re in a relationship. In your case it means you love me you’d get me a ticket. you’ve been arrested. FRIENDS: See above but substitute the love bit for an if you were my mate type FRIENDS: Probably the brightest of all your friends, you’re very much seen to be thing. the leader of the gang so to speak and are often seen striding in front of your pals MONEY: Loose change. down George Street, leading the way. They in turn are laughing, along with everyone else, at your fat arse.

Leo

Jul 23-Aug 22

WORK: Bad news on the work front in 2008 – a sacking is in the offing. No, I don’t mean an unfortunate scrotumrelated incident, I mean that sometimes, and I know it sounds odd; you actually have to work to earn your money. By working. When your retort to your boss is the Hugo quote: “A man is not idle because he is absorbed in thought. There is a visible labour and there is an invisible labour,” is it any wonder that you’re looking for gainful employment once more?

MONEY: Although multiple plastic surgeries would be the only real solution to your problems, they’re clearly not an option for someone like yourself with limited funds. Given the extent of your need though I’ve taken it upon myself to make sure you are given a tool set, including a chisel and hammer, to ensure everyone who knows you can prise their eyes out to stop further pain of looking at you on a regular basis.

Libra

Sep 23-Oct 22

LOVE: Ah, love eh. Can we not just be WORK: /88+8++++++++++++++++22+ friends? I think it was Arnold Glasgow k/;.………………ju m b,. who said: “A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going LOVE: I’ve just got three words for you, down.” Friend? Pervert more like. STD. FRIENDS: I think it was Arnold Glasgow who said: “A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.” Friend? Pervert more like. **I don’t know if I’ve done that star sign before Ed, might have to check before you publish it**

FRIENDS: Quite why you’re popular is beyond me, but it’s a good year friendswise in 2010 Libra. In fact your facebook entourage could not be more impressive. If only you could meet people in real life, instead of “Facebook friends” you’d be ok.

MONEY: I wonder if Arnold Glasgow MONEY: You’re left to curse the old made a lot of money with his quotes? adage of seeing a penny and picking it up as you do your back in whilst attempting Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21 that very feat in the middle of the Wellesley Road. Paralysed…damn trams WORK: Friends. eh. LOVE: Money. FRIENDS: Love.

Cancer

LOVE: Love will surprise you this year by visiting your good self. Yes it will be for an hour, yes you will have to pay and yes you will feel cheap and dirty afterwards but it’s something to tell the grand-children isn’t it? Or maybe not. FRIENDS: I had some friends once. Never again. I much prefer my own company now. Did I mention I’m a serial killer? MONEY: If someone asked you to take a few hours every month to wrack your brains and write something for a magazine, for nothing, would you do it? Nah, didn’t think so. That’s what makes me special. So the Editor tells me anyway.

Pisces

Feb 20-Mar 20

WORK: Apparently lesbians are going to be given state help to have children. Now I have two main problems with this. Firstly, who is this state and why is he involved and not me. Secondly, from my experience, if you have lesbians, then children will just get in the way, literally. LOVE: Unrequited, still. FRIENDS: Are a bit like trees. How? I’m not sure really. They age? MONEY: Got plenty, thanks. No you can’t have any either. Not unless you’ve got Guinness to offer in exchange.

Scorpio

Oct 23-Nov 21

WORK: Job-seekers allowance, period. L O V E : w w w. I ’ m u g l y a n d d e s p a r a t e foranythingIcanget.com FRIENDS: The only conversations you have are with sales assistants. MONEY: See work.

MONEY: Work.

Jun 22-Jul 22

WORK: Isn’t it annoying when people jump in the ascensor at work and only travel one floor? You would think so but what you may not realise is that they may have a hidden disability. Learn your DDA.