Deep-London March 09 by angela ferrara

deep online at: www.deep-london.co.uk • www.issuu.com • facebook • www.myspace.com/wiredmag • http://sk.im Ding Dong... ...et bienvenue, mesdames et messieurs, à l'édition soixante-neuf; benvenuto, signore e signori, all'edizione sessantanove; willkommen... well you get the idea with that. Yes, welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to issue 69 - ooh, saucy! We toyed with the idea of doing one of our infamous ‘entertainment and confusion in equal measure’ two cover half-upside-down issues this month, as we thought it would be quite appropriate, but then Johnny Depp and Kylie turned us down for the covers - inexplicably - so it’s business as usual at Deep Villas, albeit slightly sexier with more double entendres and the ever-present danger of knob gags. Oh come on, there’ll never be another issue 69, we may as well enjoy it while it’s upon us, as it were... To be totally honest we’re not entirely sure how long, if at all, we can keep this up, oo-er, but if the hours of ‘research’ watching Carry On films are any guide, we’re going to have an immense amount of fun finding out (see right for an example of such fun). Articles with a frisson of sexual excitement this month include our AZ of aphrodisiacs, a chat with the increasingly saucy Kevin Bishop (and the eminently alluring Nina Sosanya, and Chris O’Dowd aint bad either...) and, of course, the launch of the incredibly exciting CROYDONHELLO! supplement, which you’ll find in the centre pages of this issue and which features for its inaugural outing local sex-kitten Miss Wendy Freer. You can find CROYDONHELLO! on facebook as a group and a fan page and we want your gossip and stories for future issues now, please. Be told. We were also going to try to cro-bar in the Ship’s Poledancing Championship, but it was too close to print date for us to hang about waiting for someone to throw a hip gyrating about one of the ceiling supports. More on that next month no doubt. Elsewhere we’ve been at the races, or the pancake races, to be exact, and there’s all the usual old rubbish you’ve come to know and love. Even Mystic Mike’s got in the 69 spirit, sort of, in his own special way. But just to cut the sexual tension for a moment if I may - snow day, eh? What a laugh! Snowball fights with complete strangers, snowboarding in Lloyd Park, going arse over elbow in George Street and the industrious little gits who built a snow barricade across Oval Road and tried to charge people to pass, it seems everyone reverted to being ooh, about 10 years old, no-one went to work and it was great. Special thanks to The Oval Tavern Snow Day Collective for a first class day / evening / night of diverting conviviality, killer pool and way too much booze, and also to the huge snowdrift I ended up in - twice - on the way home. Top larks! You can see all your lovely deep-readers snow handiwork in our specially extended pictures section, including, for one month only, The Tony Hart Snow-Day Memorial Gallery, somewhere near the back of the magazine, I believe (haven’t laid it out yet but that’s the plan...). Right, I think that’s everything covered, just remember, ‘I'm a simple woman with simple tastes and I want to be wooed!’, ‘Ooh, you can be as wude as you like with me...’ That’s it, time for tiffin - as Stewie Griffin might say, “Let’s have a sexy party!” avanti, allons-y, thankings! Angela xx “Nyak nyak nyak...” 1

March 2009 Issue Sixty Nine Contact Us: editor: angela ‘the khasi of kalabar’ ferrara tel: 07910 506197 / 020 8680 3558 e: angela@deep-london.co.uk staff and contributors: mystic ‘infamy, infamy, they’ve all got it in for me’ mike, auntie ‘cora flange’ may, hengist ‘lazy-boy’ pod, nick ‘gladstone screwer’ booth, geoff ‘bungdit din’ lyons, advertising sales: call angela on 07910 506197 or e-mail angela@deep-london.co.uk publishing & design: deep-london web hosting: europahost, 94 southbridge road, south croydon, CR0 1AF, tel: 0845 644 1484. www.europahost.net random thanks: jean, tony, marie, jamie; the oval snow-day massive, the la tasca antivalentine’s collective,

happy birthday!: amber, bonzo mat, barry, lazy boy, dougie custard, belgian al, jane, angela, dom, david, paul, eddie, daniel, jimbo, steve, chris, libby, dan, victoria, alan, adam congratulations!: karen and joel r.i.p: john martyn, bill frindall, sharat sardana, wendy richards

GET YOUR EVENT LISTED: e-mail: ANGELA@ DEEP-LONDON.CO.UK what’s on listings are absolutely free!

Last date for inclusion in April issue -

23 March 2009

MARCH 2009

THIS MONTHS FEATURES: Chris O’Dowd, Kevin Bishop & Nina Sosanya

Aphrodisiac Central

Glam Rocks

Pancake Racing

CROYDONHELLO!

Auntie May

The A-Z of Lost Croydon Boozers

Lazy Boy

Wrong Way Round

Valloween!

News Hound

The Tony Hart Snow Day Memorial Gallery

The Month in Pix

Stars

LISTINGS:

What’s On Guide

29 3

s regular readers of Deep will know, we are, in fact, your barometer of tv cool, your guide, if you will, to plucking the little gems from the morass of crap on telly. Just look at last month’s absolute corker ‘Being Human’ - have we ever steered you wrong? Yeah, ok, Demons was crap, but apart from that, have we ever steered you wrong? No. Good. Well, this month sees the start of a new comedy on ITV2 which attempts something not seen in a sitcom since the Young Ones had Madness playing outside their house, that of incorporting real people (Marianne Faithfull, Justin Hawkins to name but two) and real bands (according to The Guardin ‘some guitar strumming chancers or other’ but actually the likes of The Charlatans, Ladyhawke, Guillemots, The Wombats and more) into the comedy. Set in the Xfm-a-like world of Skin FM, FM the show stars Chris O'Dowd (The IT Crowd, Under The Blue Sky), our current favourite person Kevin Bishop (The Kevin Bishop Show, Star Stories, Fat Pig) and the wonderful Nina Sosanya (Teachers, Casanova, Love's Labours Lost) and manages to take the piss out of fame-hungry radio presenters, media types, indie kids and DJ culture (“I was scratching so much it was like I had disco-lice”), all at the same time, all of which is long overdue, in my humble opinion. Show host Lindsay Carol (O'Dowd) bumbles his way passionately through each show regaling his loyal listeners with a mixture of cutting edge tunes and stories of his totally misguided personal life. Sharp and witty on-air, off-air he's all at sea in the world of hip bands and celebrity and constantly upstaged by fellow radio host and cool urban DJ, Topher Kiefer (O-T Fagbenle). Lindsay's dipsy yet too-cool-for-rock school cohost Dom Cox (Bishop) manages to piss off their music guests on a daily basis, usually through excessive partying or shagging members of their family, his tardy antics and his general inability to take his job seriously. Lindsay's producer,

Jane Edwards (Sosanya) is supposed to keep the hosts under control and running to schedules, but she very rarely achieves this herself. Like Lindsay and Dom, Jane is an eternal singleton and they all revel in each others disasters. The series follows the three radio musketeers as they attempt to pull together a daily show, coming face to face with demanding managers, pushy new bands, unreliable recording artists, Dom's relentless partying and boyband past, Jane's shambolic love life, as well as Lindsay's constant failure to pull, be cool or look hot in skinny jeans. Other regular characters include Daisy (Ophelia Lovibond), FM's wide-eyed receptionist, surly runner Ades (Daniel Kaluuya - Skins) and the station's nerdy sound engineer, Neil (Oliver Lansley). So, with the preamble over, time to catch up with the cream of Skin FM for a bit of a threeway... Tell us about your characters. Chris O’Dowd: “Lindsay is an independent radio DJ with aspirations to be one of the cool gang, but an inability in any way to appear cool or integrate himself with the rock'n'roll world. He would very much like to be in those circles, but he can't quite manage it.” Kevin Bishop: “Dom is a crazy, music loving drunk. He likes to party and he doesn't take anything too seriously; he takes everything in his stride and doesn't really tend to get too bogged down with the finer things in life. He loves his music and his mates.” Nina Sosanya: “Jane is the producer of the radio station. She’s a bit of a rock chick and rather flawed, as most characters in this series are. She’s flawed in that she thinks she is actually a lot cooler than she really is and she is actually rather shallow as well. Of course, she doesn't think she is, she thinks she’s really deep and interesting.” And what are their relationships to each other? CO’D: “There is a sense that Lindsay and Dom are like brothers and the maternal character is played by a much, much older actress... Nina Sosanya! No, 4

Nina's character, Jane is more like an aunt - she reins us in a little as the show’s producer. I kind of want to be Dom; I would like bands to think I was cool and he is kind of effortless with it.” KB: “He's sort of like a younger brother to Lindsay, but he's cooler than Lindsay and still has masses to sort out in his life. He's got the life that Lindsay wishes he could live, the life where he didn't have to worry about stuff. He certainly doesn't worry nearly as much as Lindsay, but there are also elements that Dom's very envious about; the fact that Lindsay can have a flat and pay his bills and run his own show. And Jane, she’s a very necessary part of the trio. She manages to keep Dom on the straight and narrow and she tries to make him turn up on time. She basically holds the show together.” NS: “She has a sibling-type relationship with Lindsay and Dom. There's rivalry and ritual humiliation if possible, but they do have a great fondness for each other - possibly because they have the ability to recognise another fool in each other. Jane runs the show and so she does have to try and keep them in check. However, I think she does have some skills; she gets the job done and is a good producer. She also has to rein the guys in, whether they listen to her or not is another thing.” What first attracted you to the part? C’OD: “I liked the script, I liked the tone of it and I like Kev.” NS: “I get to play a lot of characters that are very straight, rather stiff authority figures. Since I played a teacher, who was a bit up herself, I get a lot of those roles and I love playing them, but it's great to play Jane who is a lot happier. She smiles a lot and is physically more relaxed. She has a laugh and doesn't get uptight about anything, and I’ve loved playing someone like that. I haven't played anyone as rambunctious as this before, at least not in a contemporary form.” Each episode houses a different band or celebrity cameo, did anyone particularly surprise you or did you have

any secret favourites? CO’D: “There was a really cute girl in Guillemots, I can't think of her name now... I also liked Tim Westwood. He was just crazy; it was like watching someone have a nervous breakdown. He moved about a lot and there was just no control; it was very strange, but really fun. Kev was genuinely worried that he was going to hit him! He made a lot of pig jokes in reference to having Richard Bacon on as a cameo. Connie Huq was cute, but she never stops talking and I don't know if I could deal with it.” KB: “I was a big childhood fan of the Charlatans, so having them on the set was a great experience. I think you know Tim Westwood kind of surpassed all kinds of expectations. He is generally quite mental, a very eccentric character, but a really nice guy and absolutely perfect for this show what with him being a DJ himself. It was very fitting having someone like him on set and he really played up to the camera. I think it's going to be a big highlight for the series.” NS: “I was particularly excited to meet Justin Hawkins, as I think he is a bit of a genius and he was a really nice chap -

they’ve all been really nice. I had no idea what he would be like as a guy, it's just that his performances are so huge. It was really exciting to discover the bands I didn't know of, but of course all of the kids know who they are! And it was very cool meeting The Charlatans, because... well, they’re The Charlatans! Somehow we managed to stumble across really nice people, maybe all musicians are like that, but the music and the bands adds such an exciting element to each episode. We have the main plot, but then suddenly there is a "live" performance woven into the plot. And the bands were so creative with the little studio we had.” So have you ever considered a career in radio? CO’D: “I quite like the idea that Kev,

Nina and myself could host a show.” KB: “Funnily enough Chris and I talked about this when we did the pilot; we said that we'd love to be DJ's. Whatever time of the night it was it wouldn't matter, whatever the ratings were it wouldn't matter, just to have a slot for a couple of hours in the evening where you had a laugh and messed around. I think people enjoy listening to the shows where they get the bands in and have live music. If I had a radio show then I would do acoustic sets all the time and take the piss with the bands, it would be great.” NS: “Possibly, if I were to have my own show I think I would do a Goth show where I mostly played songs my old school friends requested - The Cure, The Pogues. I would play anyone that was of the same era, as long as it wasn't New Romantic - that wouldn't cut it.“ What type of show would you present, who would be your ideal guest? CO’D: “I guess I would like to do a show like FM. I’d do a show which had music on it and a bit of banter and that would kind of be it - a lot of new indie stuff would be perfect. Noel and Liam Gallagher would be my ideal guests as I

think they’re really funny. Perhaps I would get Damon Albarn in also - just everyone I liked when I was fifteen.” KB: “I’d get Michael Jackson in and just get to the bottom of a few things. I think he would be really interesting. I would like to do prison radio, that would be good - I’d get people that you can't really get on the outside to do interviews, that would be quite interesting.” NS: “David Attenborough, The Pogues and Shane MacGowan - that's a bit geeky isn't it, not very cool?” Did you do a lot of research about the industry before you started this project? CO’D: “I went and watched some DJ's. I wanted to see how they operated in a studio, especially as it is such an oral medium. I saw Alex Zane, Chris Moyles and Chris Evans and they were very informative.” KB: “I've been to a few festivals backstage and I would liken a lot of people there to Dom. They would probably be more like roadies than radio DJ's, but someone like Dom who is a man of the people and not bothered by all of that showbiz stuff. Dom feels like he has got a lot in common with the bands themselves.” Did you pick up any tips or base any of Lindsay's traits on them? CO’D: “Yeah definitely. I won't expose

them though! The ability not to have pauses in conversation is a difficult thing.” What are your highlights of the series? CO’D: “I like the skinny jeans thing. They were a thirty waist! I mean I'm not in great shape, but we did deliberately pick clothes that were small, and I wouldn't be a small. I like the idea that someone thinks they can get away with skinny stuff and they can't. It says a lot about that person.” KB: “I think the highlight of this series is probably Westwood and The Charlatans, those were two good days. I really liked Dom's story lines and I love it when he shags his mate's mum, it has a really good twist. I just love the chaos of the series in general and the British awkwardness that we've got and do so well. It's the kind of comedy that I like to watch, maybe more than my own show!” NS: “Any part we filmed where I was warm and there weren't many of those. The scene where I was drunk was pretty fun and then off camera I was serenaded by a drunken man! He started to sing Cyndi Lauper to me and Buffalo Soldier it was very bizarre.” So what’s next for you? CO’D: “I've got a couple of films out this year - Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel, The Boat That

Rocked and Hippy Hippy Shake. I worked a good bit last year, so I'm going to take a break for a couple of months and just go to the sun and write.” KB: “I'm writing a new series of The Kevin Bishop Show and we'll be due to film that at the end of March for six weeks, plus promos for that. I was talking to someone the other day about possibly playing Watson in Sherlock Holmes in the West End maybe, either later this year or early next.” NS: “I'm not sure yet. I've got something in the pipeline, but I can't talk about it...” Why should people tune in to FM? KB: “Because FM is a good, British indie comedy with music and bands, and I'd say just on that premise alone it is quite appealing. It is the sort of thing I would watch.” NS: “Because it is genuinely funny and is not like anything else. The style of the comedy, the characters and the fact that each episode houses a whole set of people playing themselves, which is a nice off-set to what is going on elsewhere - it all knits together very well.” FM is on every Wednesday on ITV2 at 10.30pm, repeated on Sundays at 10pm. Missed it? Catch it on the ITV player www.itv.com

hen it comes to oiling the bat of desire on the sticky wicket of tremulousness, human beings, it seems, have always sought out the short cut, from bashing the missus over the bonce with a club and dragging her back to the cave for some mammoth stew to popping a little diamond-shaped blue pill with, if you believe the films, often hilarious results. In between these two extremes lies the murky and oft inexplicable world of aphrodisiacs, which is what we’re here to discuss, in case you were wondering. Named after Aphrodite, the Greek Goddess of love, aphrodisiacs have been around since, well, forever. Men and women have always shown an inordinate interest in herbs and foods that might add to their own or their partners' sexual abilities and passions. Over the millennia, a long and complex list of aphrodisiacs has become part of the human sexual and social repertoire and today still, millions of people spend sometimes outrageous amounts of money for items `guaranteed' to improve their sex lives. Given that a lot of these have no scientific proof to back them up, deep is here to help, panning for ‘the gold of knowledge among the gravel of unreason, the sand of uncertainty and the little whiskery eight-legged swimming things of superstition’ (fankyoo Terry Pratchett) with our ‘A-Z of stuff that’ll help you get your leg over, or not’. Catchy, no? A is for: Asparagus... 1) It’s phallic. 2) You eat it with your fingers. 3) It contains phytohormones or phytosteroids. These are plant chemicals that have a steroid-like action in humans - a 2002 study found that Asparagus exerted an estrogenic effect. 4) Indian Asparagus is called Shatavari,

or woman with 100 husbands. You work it out. 5) It makes your wee smell funny - this is generally regarded as not a plus. Best served lightly steamed to preserve nutritional and other effects, and also firmness. Missus. A is also for; apples, aniseed, avocado, almond, aragula (‘rocket’ seed), apricot, artichoke, alamy... B is for: Bananas... If you need to have it explained why a banana is considered sexual then you need a lot more help than this article can give you. However, apart from both the banana fruit and its flower having a phallic shape, bananas are rich in potassium and B vitamins, which are said to be necessary for sex-hormone production. B is also for; basil... C is for: Chocolate... What’s not to like, it melts at bodytemperature and contains serotonin and phenylethylamine, ‘feel good’ chemicals which occur naturally in the body and are released when we’re happy or feeling loving or passionate and can induce a state of euphoria, like being in love. In addition to those two chemicals, researchers in California say that chocolate may also contain substances that have the same effect on the brain as cannabis. The substance is a neurotransmitter called anandamide. The amount of anandamide in chocolate is not enough to get you stoned but it could be enough to contribute to the good feelings that serotonin and phenylethylamine produce. Used for centuries as an aphrodisiac chocolate - like I say, what’s not to like? C is also for; carrots, cucumbers, cardomen, coriander, caviar, celery, coffee, cloves... D is for: Durian Fruit... In Indonesia there is a saying ‘when the

durian fruit comes down, the skirts go up’. Nice. Unfortunately, it hums like a bad ‘un (it’s banned from being taken on buses in South East Asia), can give you bad breath for hours and is fattening. However, it is also chock full of vitamin C and potassium and is considered a sensual eating experience, if you can get past the god-awful whiff. Good luck with that. D is also for; damiana, dates... E is for: Eggs... A fertility symbol, for obvious reasons, and by extension an aphrodisiac. We’re talking all eggs here, fish and fowl. Caviar especially is rammed with zinc, and has the expensive treat factor. Fowl eggs are high in vitamins B6 and B5, which help you balance hormone levels and fight stress. Raw chicken eggs eaten before sex are considered to enhance one’s libido, although sashaying into the bedroom with albumen dribbling down your mush may be a bit of a mood killer. E is also for; epimedium (also known as horny goat weed)... F is for: Figs... Mainly because they resemble female genitalia, although if yours has pips then you should really see a doctor. Said to be Cleopatra's favourite food, the sweet, purple fruits are sexy in both appearance and texture. To the ancient Greeks, they were "more precious than gold" and it’s widely accepted that a man breaking open a fig and eating it in front of his lover (assuming she’s a she - may be pointless otherwise) can be a powerful erotic act. Figs are an excellent source of potassium, the mineral that controls blood pressure, and are full of fibre and calcium. Eat with fingers, obviously. F is also for; fennel, fish, fois gras...

G is for: Garlic... As well as being handy for repelling vampires, garlic is among one of the most widely regarded aphrodisiacs there is. All over the world, throughout history, garlic is right up there, as it were. Galen and Hippocrates both agreed that ingesting garlic would contribute to sexual potency and it remains the most popular aphrodisiac of modern day Greeks, especially those who inhabit the Ionian Islands. Tibetan monks were forbidden from entering the monasteries if they had eaten garlic because of its reputation for inflaming the passions. Scientifically, garlic seems to improve blood circulation, which is a boon in the bedroom for obvious reasons. It’s also better if you both eat it, again for obvious reasons... G is also for ginger, ginseng, ginkgo, grapes, goji berries... H is for: Honey... Also known as “The Nectar of Aphrodite”. Is that enough reason? No, ok, well the word honeymoon derives from the ancient custom that for the first lunar month after marriage a newlywed couple would drink mead (honey wine). The Egyptians offered honey to the God of fertility, Min. Everywhere you look honey is considered an aphrodisiac, it’s sweet, it’s sticky, it can be dribbled almost anywhere and it’s rich in the B vitamins needed for testosterone production as well as boron (helps the body metabolise and use estrogen). Some studies have suggested that it may also enhance blood levels of testosterone. ‘Nuff said.

I is for: Ice Cream... Not strictly an aphrodisiac in the context of this article (unless it’s garlic flavoured), but slap it on, lick it off - no further explanation required, surely? J is for: Jouet, Perrier Jouet... My favourite of the not-ridiculouslyexpensive-champagnes (although I prefer Krug, if you’ve got a few quid), a couple of bottles of this and you’re a shoo-in, son. Booze in general is held up as ‘false’

aphrodisiac, as anyone who’s ever worn the beer-goggles will attest, but drinks like absinthe and champagne, chartreuse, benedictine and even tequila and port wine are regarded as actual aphrodisiacs. It’s a minefield out there, with the general consensus being it can help, without a shadow of a doubt, but don’t go mad - “Lechery, sir, it provokes and unprovokes: it provokes the desire but it takes away the performance.” Shakespeare, Macbeth. K is for: Krug... See J. L is for: Liquorice... The Chinese have used liquorice for medicinal purposes since ancient times and chewing on bits of liquorice root is said to enhance love and lust. It is particularly stimulating to women but according to research, in men, the smell of black liquorice increased blood flow to the penis by 13%. Now where did I leave that sherbert dib-dab? L is also for; leek, lobster, lovage...

M is for: Mandrake... A plant with a root that looks like a little person whose sex can only be determined by pulling it out of the ground, which may explain the belief in its aphrodisiacal properties in antiquity (Egyptian Papyrii, The Bible, Pliny The Elder, Shakespeare, it’s mentioned in/by all and more), mandrake belongs to the nightshades family (of which ‘deadly’ is the most famous) and is a hallucinogen. F. Scott Fitzgerald admitted to having used mandrake tea in an "attempt, not always successful, to add to my sometimes flagging passions". Cubans swear by the powers of mandrake and it has been rumoured that both Che Guevara and Fidel Castro were regular users. The Greek Orthodox Church has forbidden its members in Greece and Cyprus to use mandrake because "it will lead them into promiscuous ways’. We wouldn’t recommend it though as “Extreme caution should always be exercised when using any part of the mandrake. It is a highly toxic plant, misuse of which can result in sickness, delirium, or a slow and agonising death” and that aint sexy at all, is it? M is also for; mango, mace, mint, mussels, mustard, music... 10

N is for: Nutmeg... Sometimes the line between food and drug is arbitrary or impossible to find. Nutmeg is a good example. It’s generally used in small amounts as a flavouring, but a slightly larger dose can have aphrodisiac, sedative and even psychedelic effects. In a few cases, people have taken doses large enough to cause fatal results. Studies have found that nutmeg extract administered to male mice increased mounting behaviour and sexual performance, and increased a variety of male sexual behaviours - it was suggested that it did so by acting as a stimulant on the nervous system. In ayurvedic herbology, nutmeg is considered a stronger aphrodisiac than spices like cinnamon or ginger. Nutmeg is used both to awaken the libido, and to treat premature ejaculation. One theory is that the active compounds in nutmeg have pharmacological properties similar to amphetamine and ecstasy; this has been widely written about, although it has not been proven. Nutmeg eh? Who’d have thunk it? O is for: Oysters... Casanova was said to consume 50 oysters for breakfast each morning with well documented spectacular results. A study conducted in 2005 showed most bivalve molluscs, of which oysters are one, are rich in rare amino acids that can trigger increased levels of sex hormones and their high zinc-content may give them refuelling qualities as well. A slight downside is that to get all this bottom-feeder fabulousness you have to eat them raw, in which state I think they have a texture akin to that of a hearty sniff when you have a cold but there you go, they’ve been considered an aphrodisiac forever, and who are we to argue? O is also for: Ooh la la, ooh matron, oh I say, etc etc...

P is for: Peppers... Chilli peppers, to be precise. Eating chilli peppers generates physiological responses in our bodies (e.g. sweating, increased heart rate and circulation) that are similar to those experienced when having sex. The capsaicin they contain is responsible for these effects and also a temporary ‘high’. Red chillis are better than green in this respect, apparently. P is also for; pomegranate, peach...

Q is for: Quince... Due to its colour, fragrance and many seeds, the quince was dedicated to Aphrodite (the Greek Goddess of love) and Venus (the Roman Goddess of love). And that’s all we have on that one. R is for: Rice... Rice is a symbol of fertility in Asia. In some cultures if a man and woman eat out of the same rice bowl it is a declaration of their engagement. Less an aphrodisiac than a tradition borne out of a really boring diet, then... S is for: Spanish Fly... Spanish Fly is actually crushed beetle ooh, sexy! And it aint Spanish, but it is bloody dangerous. In the second half of the nineteenth century, French soldiers stationed in North Africa got severe cases of priapism (prolonged, painful erection) from eating the legs of frogs that had eaten beetles which in turn contained cantharidin, the active (caustic) chemical in Spanish Fly. When Spanish fly powder is ingested, the body excretes the cantharidin in the urine. This causes intense irritation and burning in the urogenital tract, which then leads to itching and swelling of the genitals. This swelling and burning was once assumed to be sexual arousal but cantharidin is highly toxic. The kidneys suffer inflammation as well and can be permanently damaged, as can the genitals. Spanish fly can cause severe gastrointestinal disturbances, convulsions and even death. It’s especially dodgy since the amount required is minuscule and the difference between an effective dose and a harmful dose is narrow. Steer well clear! S is also for; strawberries, saffron, sake...

T is for: Truffles... “Truffle. As soon as the word is spoken, it awakens lustful and erotic memories among the skirt-wearing sex and erotic and lustful memories among the beard-wearing sex. This honourable parallelism comes not only from the fact that this esteemed tuber is delicious, but also because it is still believed to bring about potency, the exercise of which brings sweet pleasure.” So wrote French gastronome Jean Anthelme BrillatSavarin in his 1825 book Physiologie du goût (The Physiology of Taste). Well that’s alright then, I find five pints of Peroni and a kebab have much the same effect, but that’s because I Am Classy. Despite widely held beliefs, sorry to say there is no proven scientific basis for truffles being an aphrodisiac, although some suggest that pigs only find the precious fungus from the pheromonal scent it emits. Whatever the actual truth, truffles have been used as a springboard to sexual success for centuries (Madame de Pompadour was said to be a fan), being first favoured by the Romans and the Greeks for their therapeutic and aphrodisiacal properties, and if it’s sheer expense that turns you on then you’ve hit the jackpot, my friend. Fresh imported truffle, depending on the variant, can cost from around £45 to around £270 for 30g. (source: www.efoodies.com/truffles) with prices changing dramatically depending on the size of the harvest etc. Blimey. Truffle, the more you say it the more pleasing the word becomes. T is also for; tomato, turnip, yes, really...

U is for: U... Or rather, you. The scientific community are a peculiarly joyless bunch when it comes to aphrodisiacs, dismissing most of them out of hand. You’d think the little bespectacled nerdy men in white coats would grab all the help they could get, but anyway. Many students of psychology believe that aphrodisiacs actually work on the principle of the placebo effect, but, really, what’s the harm? If it makes you feel good and gets the job done it’s an aphrodisiac to you, and you can’t say fairer than that. As Epicurus put it, ‘We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink...’ 12

V is for: Viagra... As your spam inbox will tell you, there are literally millions of ‘natural viagra’ products out there, all of which are GUARANTEED to work, with new ones being discovered every nano-second. The latest example is thus: “Fresh watermelon has a similar effect to taking Viagra, according to scientists. But men would have to eat at least six slices to have the same effect as one Viagra tablet - and it's not as 'organ-specific'.” See also walnuts, below. W is for: Walnuts... In Rome, walnuts were thrown at newlyweds instead of rice, which must’ve given them a right ding when they bounced off their heads, and were used in ancient fertility ceremonies. Walnuts have long been used in Italy and France to intensify desire and are rich in protein and high in potassium, zinc and iron (see bananas, oysters). Word on the streets is that there is a new alternative to Viagra on the horizon made from walnuts, although to get the same affect without the pill you’d need to eat about 3.3kg of walnuts... W is also for; watermelon... X is for: X-Rated... Again, if you don’t understand this, then you require more assistance than this article can provide... Y is for: Yohimbine... Deriving from a tall evergreen tree native to western Africa, the Yohimbe bark has traditionally been used to increase sexual desire and treat erectile dysfunction, as well as fever, coughs, and even leprosy. The plant is also a powerful hallucinogen, so it should be taken, if at all, with caution. A standardised form is prescribed by western doctors to treat conditions of male impotence. Z is for: Zzzzs... “Sleep deprivation can cause a variety of problems, affecting sexual performance and immunity as well as causing depression” It’s not rocket-science, is it, so catch some zeds, maaan. On which note, I’m all aphrodisiac’d out, which is something I never thought I’d say, and am off to put Z into practice and have a lie down. As the bard said, "Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps" and some with a lump of garlic and a cucumber. The very best of British luck to you all...

A re-appraisal of one of our most underrated eateries...

was not expecting to find the Holy Grail of Croydon food on a dank Wednesday lunchtime. Revelations are, by their nature, surprising. The last time I was in the building now known as the Glamorgan it was known as the Grouse and Claret and was a horse of a different colour. A quick perusal of the blackboard menu suggested to me that myself and my dining partner were in for a potential lip-smacker. One tasty idea followed by another (rare roast beef, dunking; swordfish, exotic curry options), plus classic dishes all present and correct. Eventually we decided to be guided by the friendly and courteous staff. I plumped for the restaurant’s signature dish - fish and chips - and my companion went with Cajun chicken. Now, you can order fish and chips and Cajun chicken all over the town but I’m pretty sure it’ll be a blazing hot day in January before you get them as good as the Glamorgan’s versions. The chicken was as tender and perfectly cooked a piece of poultry as you’re ever going to eat. In fact, I had to think hard as to where I eaten better chicken. The adjective ‘excellent’ is over-used in all forms of criticism but I have to use it to describe my fish: it was the dictionary definition of the word and no mere hype: extremely good and outstanding in taste, preparation and presentation. As I stared down at it I thought: ‘Blimey, am I eating this in Croydon?’ Both dishes were served with

delightfully tasty and well thought out salads. How easy it is to sling a dry bunch of leaves on a plate and call it a salad. Not at the Glamorgan; like all good salad accompaniment, they punched their weight with everything else on the plate. At roughly seven pounds a pop (with a very agreeable house white on top), not only are these lunches something no lover of delicious food should miss, they are also credit crunch-friendly. The range of lunch dishes on offer starts from around a fiver and goes up to about £13 (for swordfish, incidentally) so it’ll cost you as much or as little as you want it to. Better still, at the moment if you visit between 5.30pm and 7pm on a Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, the Glamorgan is running a promotion called beat the clock, which means you pay the price of the time you arrive. So, get there at 5.30pm you’ll pay £5.30 for a two course, yes, a TWO COURSE, meal, 6pm for £6 and so on and so forth - the price increases as the time wears on - it’s not rocket science to work out and the upshot is that the most you’ll have to pay for your food is £7. Grant and Kathleen, owners and chefs at the Glamorgan, have been beavering away in what you could, if you were being dreadfully unkind, call an area of town untroubled by glamour (you would be wrong, however, because I live in the area and it is therefore by definition achingly, savagely cool - Ed) for several years now, turning out the kind of quality, superior food that, if it were anywhere else, would ensure they would be booked

solid every single day. For once, the best-kept-secret tag is wholly justified. This pub needs to be on the map (which is why we have provided one). Visit without delay. The Glamorgan, 81 Cherry Orchard Rd, Croydon, CR0 6BE. Tel: 020 8688 6333 Our Rating: Value for money: 9/10 Service: 9/10 - friendly, courteous and efficient Quality: 10/10 Ambience: 7/10

Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen, for the first annual inter-pub pancake day race meeting... The Runners and Riders: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome

“

to this, the inaugural running of the Croydon inter-pub pancake day race meeting, held here in glorious Surrey Street and featuring the créme de la créme of the pancake racing world. You join us here before the off in the weighing room, or The Green Dragon pub, where the runners from the Dragon stable are limbering up and practising their pancake tossing skills. Some nifty footwork and pan spinning technique there from Makam behind the bar, we’ll see how that translates out on the track a little bit later. And over there I can see a bit of a conflab between race organiser and Dragon team trainer Esther and the Goose On The Market’s main man Rob, I wonder if they’re talking tactics to nobble The Black Sheep team? We’d never cast such aspersions, and anyway shall never know, but they are busy attaching the relevant cardboard sheep, dragon and goose heads to broomsticks in preparation for the highly anticipated hobby-horse race, which is one of our featured events later on. “The atmosphere here tonight is electric, ladies and gentlemen, as the Dragon team go into one of their now legendary testosterone and Guinness addled renditions of the Rocky theme tune, replete with bull-dog impressions and, yes, a bit of shadow boxing. Marvellous scenes here then, and the crowd are giving them as much encouragement as they can. They know what’s at stake, mainly £2 a pop each on the betting sheets to predict who’ll win each of the four races this evening (all of which goes directly to Great Ormond Street Children’s Hospital). I don’t mind admitting that your commentary team have had a punt ourselves with our man in the know in the racing world - having carefully studied the form and conditions for about five minutes while drunk picking out the likely favourites. But, seeing as though this is the first race meeting it is, as any pancake race afficionados out there will know, anyone’s game - the going has been described as ‘damp but mild’, conditions underfoot are if not treacherous then challenging, competition is fierce and performing to vast crowds on a floodlit track has been known to affect even the most experienced tossers. “Almost time for the off then, and the first race tonight is the 5.30 Three Legged Handicap Pancake Sprint - twice the length of the track, or up to the banner and back. There’s a fair amount of jostling at the start and just a bit of a delay here before the off as there appears to be a large car on the track, manoeuvring very poorly out of Murray’s Meat Market and being shouted at to get out of the way in no uncertain terms by punters and runners alike. Unprecedented scenes... “Well, while we wait I can tell you that the large crowd gathered outside the Goose, the pancake race day equivalent of Tattenham Corner, are buzzing with

Dragon: Makam Kev Baby Kev Ash

Sheep: Paul Emma Alice Zak Louis

Goose: Jamin Cameron Mitch Gordon

Trained by: Esther

Trained by: Paul

Trained by: Rob

anticipation, a lively contrast with the audience viewing through the windows of the Dragon, a grandstand view for those still eating their dinner then, although in this observer’s opinion standards are slipping when you can get into the grandstand without full morning suit and/or pretty Ascot dress. God only knows what the Queen will think when she arrives. Her madge is, of course, a big racing fan, and word at trackside has it that she’s got her eye on Paul from the Sheep, with his fetching daisy hat, to give her a piggy-back round the barracks at the next Trooping the Colour. An honour indeed... “Right I think that’s the obstruction cleared, and they’re under starter’s orders and... they’re OFF! A fine start from the Goose there, with the Sheep in hot pursuit and, oh dear, we have a fallen pancake from the Dragon contingent right at the start, I’m not sure they’ll recover from that. Ah, what scenes! Like the bastard offspring of ‘It’s a Knockout’ and a school sports day - makes me wish I hadn’t had my pancake racing career cruelly cut short by the infamous Scrabble incident of ‘93... As they reach the banner it’s neck and neck and now the homeward sprint and the Sheep are pulling away with some textbook synchronised hobbling / tossing and romp home to win in some style to much cheering and applause from the ever-growing crowd of those in the know and a fair proportion of bemused onlookers. Well done the Sheep! And that’s one out of one on my betting slip... “Just time to get our breath back before the next featured event, the 5.40 Pancake and Sack Race, and now there’s a small child with a pushchair on the track better get her out of the way or it’ll be like a scene from Battleship Potemkin! Oh the horror, oh the huma... Oh, she’s wandered off. Good show. Right, the bin-bags are hoisted waist-high and... they’re OFF! A shorter race this one and the favourite from the Dragon is out in front immediately, hopping like a, well hopping thing, and tossing that pancake with aplomb. The other competitors have nothing to offer in the way of a challenge and it’s a comfortable victory, no doubt inspired by the Dragon’s chief mascot, Sam, waving the hobby-horse for all he’s worth. But wait, hold on, there’s been a complaint lodged, not quite sure about what, the hopping or the tossing, but after a brief Steward’s Enquiry the result stands, the Dragon have it. Oh, and look, that’s two out of two for your commentary team... “Another brief respite while the scrum of press photographers get in the way of everything before the hobby horses are mounted for tonight’s third race, the 5.50ish Broomstick Canter, and you’ll note that the Sheep’s runner in this race is wearing blinkers for the first time, will that be a help or a hindrance..? And they’re OFF for another full length outing, a magnificent sight and it looks like the the blinkers were a hindrance as we have a faller - I can’t quite see through the melee who it is but someone is over in a heap... “Meanwhile out in the front the Goose is having a spirited run and Tattenham Corner goes wild as their man breaks the tape to take their first win of the night. Top-class hobby-work there from the Goose and a well earned victory for the novice pancake-racer. One to watch for the future there, and that brings up three out of three predicted correctly by your commentators. Unfortunately not all the punters have been so fortunate and I can hear grumbles from a punter nearby who had bet on the Sheep for that one and, in fact, for every one, reasoning that comparably the Goose competitors were 18

‘pensioners’. There’s a lesson for you gamblers, always check your runners before you lay your money down - a last minute change of personnel could see you kissing your £2 goodbye and can level the playing field like nothing else in the fast-paced, dangerous world of pancake racing. “It’s honours even then as we reach the exciting climax of tonight’s savoury batter based sporting extravaganza, with all three venues having one win under their belt, and tensions are running high at the start of the final race, the 6.00 Pancake Sprint - no hindrances such as sacks, ropes or broomsticks for this one, it’s a straight hack-it-down-there-and-back-againwhile-tossing-your-pancakes race of, dare I say it, gladiatorial proportions? “The decidedly eclectic crowd, with punters partisan to the Goose, the Dragon and the Sheep are lining the track on both sides, awaiting in eager anticipation and excellent humour the conclusion of tonight’s events, and I can just see the runners lining up on the start. What on earth must be going through these three first time pancakers minds, knowing the pride of their respective teams and pubs rests on their shoulders? It’s a sobering thought. For them, at least.... “Yes, it looks like the starter is calling them in, the crowd has hushed and... they’re OFF for this, the deciding race of the night, and all three are hareing down the course at a dizzying speed, pancakes flying, concentration etched on their faces. At the halfway stage it’s The Goose who have the lead by a couple of lengths and it looks all over but wait, what’s this? The Dragon’s Kev is tearing up the ground and with less than a quarter of the track to cover it’s nigh on evens. The Sheep look well out of it in third but gallantly carry on tossing for all they’re worth. Back at the front and the tape is broken to huge cheers. From my position in the press pit it’s impossible to say who’s won it, and indeed it’s a photo-finish. What drama in the closing stages there - a fitting end to an intense night of racing action and we’ll just have to wait to see the results... “And while we do, there’s just time to grab a quick quote from the Sheep’s trainer and indeed victorious three-legged race winner Paul, who says that it’s been ‘a brilliant night - we should do things like this between venues more often’. And so say all of us, a fantastic way to foster a ‘community’ atmosphere that seems sometimes to be sorely lacking, and to get three, erm, different establishments together for such a night of chaos in an atmosphere of such fun is no mean feat, thus we salute the organisers runners, riders, punters and onlookers and look forward to this becoming an annual event. “Wait, I’m being told the results of the photo are in and... it’s a dead heat between Goose and Dragon wow, drama indeed, and it means that your commentary team have got four out of four and have won the Green Dragon section of the prize which, I believe, is a bar tab of some sort. With all that excitement I can’t see it being long before that gets drunk, eh Clive? “Well, that’s it from us from the first annual inter-pub pancake race meeting, we hope you’ve enjoyed it as much as we did. Congratulations to everyone involved, we’re now off to the Grandstand for some champers and caviar with the Queen, and we’ll hopefully see you all again, same time - pancake day - same place - Croydon Surrey Street Race Course - next year. Goodnight to you all, and please, don’t have nightmares...” 19

Stockists: CENTRAL CROYDON: • All Bar One • Bar Red Square • Bar Se7en • Beanos Records • Bedford Tavern • Black Sheep Bar • Brief • Bull’s Head • Clocktower (Tourist Info) • Dog & Bull • Eagle • Fairfield Halls • Goose on the Market • Gun Tavern • Green Dragon • Half and Half Lounge Bar • Loop Pool Bar • Milan Bar • Mojama • Natterjacks (St George’s Walk) • Royal Standard • Ship • Spreadeagle • Steelpoint Tattoo • Strictly UK (Tramms) • Surrey Cricketers • Tiger Tiger • Timebomb Clothing • Walkabout • Yates’s Wine Lodge EAST CROYDON: • Builders Arms • Glamorgan • Orchard • Oval • Porter & Sorter • Tramlink Info Centre • Warehouse Theatre ADDISCOMBE: • Alma Tavern • Claret Free Hse • Cricketers

WEST CROYDON: • Bird in Hand • Bodyworks Whitehorse Rd • Davys Wine Bar • Forbidden Planet • Fox and Hounds • Windmill SOUTH END & SOUTH CROYDON: • Bodega • Croham Arms • Crown & Pepper • Crown & Sceptre • Earl of Eldon • Edge • Folly • Jalalis • Kays Off Licence • LA Fitness (Royal Oak) • La Spezia Deli (Old Pharmacy - Swan & Sugarloaf) • Laithwaite’s Wines (opp. Windsor Castle) • Peking Tasty • Purley Arms • Rail View • Red Deer • Rupali • Ruskin House • Sackville Gallery • Scream Studios • Stag & Hounds • Sth Croydon BR • Swan & Sugarloaf • Txt Bar • Treehouse • Unwins (Swan & Sugarloaf) • Wheelwrights Arms • Windsor Castle • Woodman • Zizzi PURLEY: • Baan Thai • Brass Monkey • Coffee Bay (by Purley BR) • Elliott’s • Jolly Farmers

Listings Index:

Pick up your copy of Deep from any of these lovely places: • • • • • •

What’s on? 21 full weekly and daily guide

Las Fuentes Rectory Purley BR Purley Pool Purley Oaks BR Station Cars (Purley BR)

All our information was correct at the time of going to press, but as the only certainty in life is change, we suggest you check before heading out. The opinions and reviews which follow are those of the Editor and staff - if you have an issue to raise about them, please ring us, rather than the venue.

PURLEY WAY: • Gipsy Moth • Premier Travel Inn Hotel • Green’s Gym SANDERST’D: • Sanderstead BR • Stones Hair Salon • Wine Cellar SHIRLEY: • Cricketers • Crown • Sandrock • Shirley Inn • Surprise Inn

Got something going on? We’re not psychic, people - let us know! What’s on listings are FREE!

FORESTDALE: • Forestdale Arms • McDermott’s Fish Restaurant SELHURST: • Clifton Arms • Pepperton UK • Selhurst Arms • Two Brewers THORNTON HEATH: • The Lord Napier WOODSIDE GREEN: • Beehive

Call Angela on 07910 506197 or 020 8680 3558 or e-mail: angela@deep-london.co.uk

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SOUTH NORWOOD: • Portmanor KENLEY: • Kenley Arms

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FREE advert design service To advertise please call Angela the Editor on: 07910 506197 / 020 8680 3558 e-mail: angela@deep-london.co.uk 20

what’s on

Something to do every night of the week, Yay!

Future Events:

Every Monday:

• Event: Witchfest South 16 May 2009. A ‘mini’ witchfest at The Stanley halls, South Norwood. For further details visit www.witchfest.net • Exhibition: Indian Strings and Dances 10 April – 31 July 2009 This colourful, interactive exhibition is curated by the London Sitar Ensemble, the Museum of Croydon and Sutton Subrang and will showcase the best in Indian music and dance. Indian music and dance is one of the finest traditions in the world. The exhibition will trace the story of these art forms, tracking the evolutionary changes, transformations and contributions of musicians and dancers, both famous and unknown. The 400-year history of travel, migration and cultural exchange between India and Britain has had a significant influence on the cultural scene in Britain. Indian Strings and Dances aims to explore the significant influence and contribution made by the musicians and dancers of South Asia in Britain. FREE entry. Museum Of Croydon, Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street • Theatre: The Globe Season From 23 April 2009 The 2009 season opens on 23 April with Shakespeare's passionate and lyrical Romeo & Juliet directed by Globe Artistic Director Dominic Dromgoole, and is followed by the enchanting As You Like It, the striking Troilus & Cressida, and the return of Dominic Dromgoole's feisty 2007 production of Love's Labour's Lost. More info and to book tickets visit: www.shakespeares-globe.org

• Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Monday - Saturday. Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Music: Free Your Voice World a capella singing drop-in. Beginners 6.30pm, intermediate 7.45pm. Workshop rooms at The Clocktower, Katharine Street. For more details phone Cate on 020 8683 4737 or e-mail catherine@naturalvoice.net. • Music: Folk and Blues Club From 8pm. Prices vary depending on artist. Call Brian on 0208 698 5322 for further info. Licensed bar. Ruskin House,Coombe Road, CRO. • Music: Big Beer Band The 8 million Big Beer Band musicians do their big-band thang at the Brief. From 9pm ish TheBrief, George Street, Croydon • Games: Free Pool Every Monday at The Alma. The Alma Tavern 129 Lower Addiscombe Rd, CR0, 020 8654 5842 • Lifestyle: Croydon Life Club Every Monday 7.30-9.00pm £15.00 per workshop (Concessions given) Croydon Life Club, St Mildred’s Centre Bingham Road, Addiscombe, CR0 7EB More info visit: www.lifeclubs.co.uk • Dance: Ballroom & Latin American Ballroom and latin American classes with stars from BB1 show “Strictly Come Dancing” Fairfield Halls Croydon on Monday evenings for all abilities. 8 week course. Booking essential. Telephone 07944 931130, www.karenhardystudios.com

Every Day: • Art: AC/DC: Let There Be Rock Until 31 May 2009 A photographic trip throught the Bon Scott years by Philip Morris, who was there for the whole thing. Proud Gallery / Bar / Venue Camden, until 31 May 2009. Monday - Saturday: 11am - 7pm Sunday: 11am - 6pm Entrance into the Gallery is always free. www.proud.co.uk Stables Market, London, NW1 8 020 7482 3867

Every Tuesday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Monday - Saturday. Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Fitness: Yoga Classes Every Tuesday from 7.30pm-9pm. £5 a class for 6 sessions. Beginners welcome. 140 Brighton Road, Purley. 0208 763 2629 21

• Dance: Belly Dancing Come and join the fun every Tuesday. Classes are for women only and suitable for all ages, sizes and levels of ability. Make sure you wear comfortable clothing and bring a scarf to tie around your hips to really get you in the mood! Open level - suitable for all 6pm7.15pm In depth class - suitable for experienced dancers only: 7.30pm8.45pm. £7 per class. Call Charlotte Desorgher on 01342 850423 The Green Room, Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. Box Office: 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Dance: Ceroc Learn to Ceroc every Tuesday in the Arnhem Gallery. Ceroc is an exciting and stylish modern partner dance which can be performed to all types of music. It’s very easy to pick up, no special clothes are required and you don’t need to bring a partner as we make sure everyone mixes together. Beginners: 8pm; Intermediate: 9pm Freestyle: 9.30pm-11pm Membership £2, Admission £6 For further info tel: 020 8466 5030 or visit: www.cerockent.com Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. Box Office: 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Quiz: The Builders Arms General knowledge quiz, always well supported, from 9pm. The Builders Arms • Quiz: The Sandrock Music/general knowledge quiz from 8.30pm every Tuesday. The Sandrock, Upper Shirley Rd, Shirley, CR0. 020 8662 1931. • Quiz: The Crown From 8.30pm The Crown, 28 Wickham Road, Shirley, 020 8662 7801 • Quiz: Dog and Bull from 9ish. The Dog and Bull, Surrey Street, Croydon • Club: Beautiful People Beautiful people is on every Tuesday night. This long running alternative night continues to leap ahead having been ahead of the pack in the past playing nu-metal and screamo we are now moving into playing a majority of emo.

what’s on Our recent celebrity visitors have included My Chemical Romance (we were first UK club to play them) and Alkaline trio alongside them we championed Fallout Boy and Panic at the Disco. Resident DJ Zoe Urchin also blends in ska (Mad Caddies to Specials to Desmond Dekker) and punk ( Undertones to Afi to Green day to Minor Threat) some new school rock (Trivium to Queens of stone age) and a pinch of hip hop and dance (Pendulum to Kano). Drinks deals are an unbeatable £2 for Jack daniels and coke, £1.50 for house spirits and two bottled beers for £3 11pm-3am. £3 flyer/conc before midnight £5 after or otherwise all night theres a full listing, downlaodable flyer, photo gallery , Djs picks and links to our my space page www.wolfshead.co.uk Metro, Basement 19 Oxford Street London W1, www.wolfshead.co.uk • Club: Common People The best indie night in your life! EVER! £1 entry before 10pm, £2 after, £1 drinks till 11pm! Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar

Every Wednesday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Monday - Saturday. Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Event: Pool Competition The weekly pool competition returns to the Oval, from 7pm. £2 in, cash prizes. The Oval Tavern, Oval Road, East Croydon. • Gay: Camp Bingo hosted by Miss Isla Blige. Starts 8pm with various prizes. Happy Hour Drinks when you buy your books until the first number is called. The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net

Every Thursday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food,

all sorts. Monday - Saturday. Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Music: Live Jazz Every Thursday lunchtime from 12.30pm. FREE! Cafe Opera, Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, CR0. 020 8253 1030. www.croydon.gov.uk/clocktower • Music: The New Delta Big Band From Ellington to Herman, big band jazz at its best! 8.15pm to 11pm. FREE! Every 1st and 3rd Thursday of the month. The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Music: The Brian Hetherington Jazz Band Listen or jive to the authentic rythyms of New Orleans. 8.30pm-11pm. FREE! Every 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month. The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Music: Open Mic at The Good Companions, Hamsey Green, South Croydon, every Thursday 8.30 p.m. Musicians ( Guitarists or others with any ‘reasonable’ instrument ), Duo’s, Trios, Singers, welcome Tel: 0208 6576655. wwwthegoodcompanions.com The Good Companions, Hamsey Green, South Croydon • Club: Xplosive The Wolfshead alternative mafia try a new night at this poular South London bar known up until now for its dance events just around the corner from Brixton tube. Into its plush surroundings will come DJ Zoe Urchin and guests cunningly blendingly together an eclectic romp through the alternative genre featuring indie (Arctics to White Stripes), emo, (My Chemical Romance to Panic at the Dsico), alternative rock ( System of a Down to Green Day), punk (Misfits to Blink 182) ,ska ( Specials to Less than jake)and alternative dance (Pendulum to Kanye). Drinks deals are Jack daniels and coke £2.50, house spirits and mixer £2.00 and 2 selected beers for £3. 10pm- 3am £3 before midnight, £5 after less for students/flyers/members. flyer to download at website www.wolfshead.co.uk Tongue and Groove, 50 Atlantic Road Brixton 22

• Gay: Discotek Midweek gay music club with world class music. Two rooms of music every Thursday with 'The Phunked Up Disco' in the lounge and pumping house vibes in the main room. Resident DJs Femi B, Jeffrey Hinton, Luke Hope, Guy Williams, Paul Heron, Tom McMillan, plus international and UK guests. Weekly pre-party @ The Edge and Candy Bar (from 2100) The End, 18 West Central St London WC1A 1JJ. 020 7419 9199 www.endclub.com • Club: Rock Night South London’s biggest and best rock night. Live music every Thursday from 8-9.30. FREE before 10pm and most drinks are at happy hour prices till 9pm...what more do you want?! Bands are followed by DJ Tony X. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Dance: Salsa De Cuba with Leo & Co. Classes from 8pm followed by club salsa until 1am. The Norbury Complex, 1300 London Road, Croydon. 020 8679 0632. • Dance: Simply Salsa Learn to dance salsa every Thursday. Beginners welcome. No partner required. Classes from 7.30pm, club til midnight. Admission £7.00 class and club, £3.00 club only. It’s fun and friendly, monthly Sunday’s also!! For further info. simplysalsa@ukonline.co.uk 07957 431216 or 07759 584591 The Treehouse, South End, Croydon • Dance: Clog Dancing Free taster sessions for newcomers to try out some lively N.W. English clog team dances - wear trainers or similar footwear. Musicians with portable acoustic instruments always welcome too. PLEASE CALL BEFORE HEADING OUT, as some Thursdays this night is not on. 8.30 pm. FREE! Call 020 8654 5211/020 8657 4056 (eves.) for details United Reformed Church Hall, corner Enmore/Cobden Road, S. Norwood • Dance: Morris Dancing North Wood Morris Men are teaching Men's Morris to complete beginners on Thursday evenings at the Scout Hut in Purley Park Road at 8.15 pm and newcomers are welcome (first call 020 8668 1830) see www.northwoodmorris.org.uk

what’s on • Dance: Soca / Calypso Beginners welcome and rum punch served! The Newton Arms, 175 Queens Road, Croydon, 020 8684 7654 • Dance: The South East London Lindy Hop Club Come and learn to dance Lindy Hop (Jitterbug) like they did in the 1940's. No partner required and Caron and Steve specialise in helping those with two left feet get together with those with two right. Doors open 7.30pm Beginners Class 7.45pm Intermediate Class 8.30pm Freestyle (practice) 9.15pm The Royston Club, 85 Royston Road Penge, London, SE20 7QW www.52ndstreetjump.co.uk • Karaoke: Arkwrights Wheel All together now... Arkwrights Wheel, 151 North End, CR0. 020 8649 8638. • Karaoke: Selhurst Arms Thursday night would appear to be karaoke night bleedin’ everywhere... From 8pm. Selhurst Arms, Selhurst Rd, SE25. • Quiz: Purley Arms Quiz-a-rama, every Thursday from 8.30pm, £1 in for cash prizes + other goodies. Purley Arms, 345 Brighton Road, South Croydon, 020 8686 3792 • Quiz: Cricketers General knowlegde quiz with £50 prize. The Cricketers, 47 Shirley Rd, CR0 7ER 020 8655 3507 • Music: Boulevard Live music while you eat. Boulevard, 7-8 Ruskin Parade, Selsdon Road, South Croydon. 020 8649 9990. • Music: Open Mic Quiz Night at The Good Companions 8.00 p.m. ww.thegoodcompanions.com Limpsfield Road, South Croydon 0208 657 6655 • Quiz: The Valley From 9.00pm Mike K’s general knowledge quiz The Valley, 76 Croydon Road, Caterham

Every Friday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Monday - Saturday. Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Photography: Camera Club

Camera Club meeting in West Croydon every Friday night welcomes visitors and new members. Full programme of events including print/slide talks, portrait evenings, competitions, etc. Ample parking. Contact Colin on 020 8665 1678. Visit www.thorntonheathcameraclub.co.uk • Club: DJ Night Every Friday. Pistols, Brighton Road, Coulsdon • Club: Upstairs DJ's including Louis from Choice FM. Drink promotion from 9pm - 11pm with all house spirits £2. The only club in Croydon licensed until 3am. Entry £3 before 11pm and £5 after. Free entry to diners of the restaurant. Guest list and venue hire available, please contact 020 8688 9837 for details. www.treehousepeople.com Upstairs, above Treehouse restaurant 78 South End, CR0 020 8688 9837 • Music: DJ Party Night The Newton Arms, 175 Queens Road, Croydon, 020 8684 7654 • Karaoke: Karaoke Madness Singalong fun with Jerry Baker & Co in the bar from 9pm. The Norbury, The Norbury Complex, 1300 London Road, Croydon. 020 8679 0632. • Club: Club Zone following on from Karaoke Madness is Club Zone @ The Edge Nightclub playing club & party classics with guest DJs, open til 3am. The Edge Nightclub, The Norbury Complex, 1300 London Road, Croydon. 020 8679 0632. • Club: Dj Steve Mapp in the main room Dj Mark B in Surfers All Drinks £1.50 5pm to 9pm Dress code: Smart casual. Walkabout, Crown Hill, Croydon • Karaoke: Forestdale Arms Featherbed Lane, CR0. 020 8651 1260. • Karaoke: Swan & Sugarloaf Swan and Sugarloaf, 1 Brighton Rd, CR0. 020 8686 2562 • Karaoke: The Norbury From 9pm. The Norbury Complex, 1300 London Road, Croydon. 020 8679 0632. • Music: Alma Tavern Live music. Alma Tavern, 129 Lwr Addiscombe Rd, CR0. 020 8654 5842. • Music: Jolly Farmers Live music every Friday Jolly Farmers, 7 High Street, Purley (on Purley Cross) 020 8660 2076 23

• Singles: Swan & Sugarloaf Over 30 single’s night in the function room. Swan and Sugarloaf, 1 Brighton Rd, CR0. 020 8686 2562 • Music: Mama K’s Blues Bar Mama K's blues bar, run by local blues/rock musicians, open jam from 8 pm, full backline provided. Main band 10pm. Licensed bar. £2 entry. Ruskin House,Coombe Road, CRO. 020 8661 0183

Every Saturday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Monday - Saturday. Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Dance: Bollywood Groove & Bhangra Funky and energetic dance class. Beginners and improvers welcome. Come along and bring your friends. From 12.30pm – 1.30pm. £5 a class. Free parking available. Ground Floor, Dance & Drama Studio Archbishop Lanfranc, Croydon, Surrey, CR9 3AS. Tel: 020 8776 1717 or 07932 530 370 • Games: Pool Competition From 3pm. Old Derby, 44 Pitlake, CR0. 020 8688 5674. • Games: Pool / Domino Tournaments in the afternoon - call for more details. The Newton Arms, 175 Queens Road, Croydon, 020 8684 7654 • Music: DJ Party Night The Newton Arms, 175 Queens Road, Croydon, 020 8684 7654 • Music: Jolly Farmers Live music every Saturday Jolly Farmers, 7 High Street, Purley (on Purley Cross) 020 8660 2076 • Club: Saturday Night With Linton and Friends A plethora of musical carnage from the beast of butch and his followers… Dance floor fillers, cheese and sleaze. Open til stupid-o’clock in the morning. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: The Big Double Classic hits in the bar from 9pm followed by guest acts and DJs at The

what’s on Edge, open til 3am. The Norbury & The Edge Nightclub. The Norbury Complex, 1300 London Road, Croydon. 020 8679 0632 • Club: Dj Andy B in the main room & Dj Randy T in surfers All drinks £1.50 7pm to 9pm Dress code: Smart casual. Walkabout, Crown Hill, Croydon • Club: Upstairs See ‘Every Friday’ for full details. Upstairs, above Treehouse restaurant 78 South End, CR0, 020 8688 9837 • Music: Live Music - NEW Every Saturday. Pistols, Brighton Road, Coulsdon

Every Sunday: • Music: Open Mic Acoustic ‘ Open Mike’ night at The Jolly Farmers, Purley, every Sunday 8.45 p.m. Tel: 0208 6602076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk The Jolly Farmers, on ‘Purley Cross’, Purley • Quiz: Good Companions Quiz Night at The Good Companions 8.00 p.m. www.thegoodcompanions.com Limpsfield Road, South Croydon 0208 657 6655 • Music: Open Mic All welcome! The Newton Arms, 175 Queens Road, Croydon, 020 8684 7654 • Karaoke: Karaoke Madness With Jacko and Co + DJ in the bar til 1am. The Norbury Complex, 1300 London Road, Croydon. 020 8679 0632 • Club: Disco Gold Until 1am. FREE! before 10pm. The Edge Nightclub. The Norbury Complex, 1300 London Road, Croydon. 020 8679 0632 • Club: Croydon Backgammon Club Sundays from 8PM. Ruskin House, Coombe Road, Croydon • Quiz: Forestdale Arms Weekly music quiz. Forestdale Arms, Featherbed Lane, CR0. 020 8651 1260 • Quiz: The Crown From 8.30pm The Crown, 28 Wickham Road, Shirley, 020 8662 7801 • Quiz: The Rail View Every Sunday from 8.30pm. The Rail View 188 Selsdon Rd, CR2 020 8688 2315

• Quiz: The Kenley Hotel From 9.00pm Mike K’s general knowledge quiz The Kenley Hotel, 68, Godstone Road, Kenley CR8 5AA • Music: Live New Orleans Jazz Every Sunday 12.30 - 2.30pm at The Lord Napier Jazz Pub. Entry £2, dance floor, raffle, great atmosphere at one of the longest running Jazz Pubs in Great Britain The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286

Got something going on? Let us know e-mail: angela@deep-london.co.uk

Sunday 01 March • Event: St David’s Day OH! There’s lovely... • Music: Tim Collinson Quartet Innovative band - do not miss. "KC Jazz" Lunchtime Jazz from 12pm. FREE! www.jazznet.co.uk The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Live New Orleans Jazz Every Sunday 12.30 - 2.30pm at The Lord Napier Jazz Pub. Entry £2, dance floor, raffle, great atmosphere at one of the longest running Jazz Pubs in Great Britain The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath. 020 8653 2286 • Event: Old Croydon Town PoleDancing Championship Only one lady will be crowned Miss Croydon Poledance 2009. This competition is intended for ladies only to participate. Any guys who want to enter will have to pass themselves off as a woman INCREDIBLY well! To enter, contestants must sign up before 9PM Sunday March 1st. Full rules can be found on facebook event: The Old Croydon Town Poledancing Championship. 8pm-midnight. The Ship, 47 High Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/theshipofcroydon • Music: Errol Linton’s Blues Vibe Brixtonian busker-cum-bluesman blends soulful harp Memphis sounds with calypso and reggae-tinged rhythms. FREE entry. Live blues at The Oval - bands start 5.30pm Sundays and 8pm Thursdays. 24

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Club: Trashville Rock N Roll, Rockabilly, Psychobilly. Free entry before 10pm, with DJs Bunny, Johnny Spazz & Flattop Dave. Doors 7pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Quiz: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8pm. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Music: Open Mic Sundays Live music every Sunday The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/thebriefcroydon • Music: Open Mic The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Road, Purley, CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Music: Open Mic Jam evening, acoustic open mic. All welcome.. The Dog and Bull, Surrey Street, Croydon • Music: Croydon Folk and Blues Club Singers night - Floor singers musicians and audience welcome. From 8pm. £2. Ruskin House, 23 Coombe Road, Croydon, Surrey, http://folkandblues.org • Music: St David’s Day Massacre The Magnificent Shimmering Beasts + The Bad Samaritans + The Undisputed Champions of Turbulence. Plus Dj's, the Heartbreakers and the Unemployable Welsh Scum! (8pm; £5; rock) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk www.myspace.com/windmillbrixton ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Mon 02 • Music: Croydon Jazz Band Big band jazz - 1st Monday of every month Botley Hill Farmhouse, Limpsfield Road, Warlingham Surrey, CR6 9QH. Phone: 01959 577154

what’s on email: enquiries@botleyhillfarmhouse.co.uk • Music: The Big Beer Band Live big-band music. Every Monday from 9ish. FREE! The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/the_brief www.bigbeerband.org • Club: Monday Club Half price drinks until 12am, with music from The Katie and Alex Show. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: Blue Monday Buy one hour of Pool and receive one hour free of charge. Don’t worry if you are on a one-hour lunch break - we will give you a voucher to use another day. If you are not a member you can join at reception free of charge if you bring some ID along. Half price on all drinks: Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry. Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Gay: The Big Fun Gay Quiz Night fun and general knowledge quiz. Questions from all categories, games that everyone can enjoy. Start the week off with a bang! Starts 8pm The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net • Music: I Am Not Left Handed + Wayter + Oli (8pm; £3; indie/postrock) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Tue 03 • Event: Anna’s Cocktail Night 1st and 3rd Tuesdays of the month. The Oval does kitsch! Great house cocktail menu, complete with Twiglets on the bar. Watch out for DJs and guest live music slots.

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Club: Common People Cheap drinks till 11pm with pure Indie and Electro tunes from DJs The Spivs. Doors 7pm, £1 entry. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Quiz: The Dog and Bull From 9pm-ish, a quiz, a game of play your cards right and a sing-song. Mental. 50p in including sarnies. See article, April issue. The Dog and Bull, Surrey Street, Croydon • Pool: Pool Competition downstairs. 8pm start The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Dance: Morris Dancing in the back bar The Brief, George Street, Croydon 020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief • Music: Grand Pocket Orchestra (Ire) + Dexy + more (8pm; £3 indie) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Wed 04 • Pool: The Oval Pool Competition Every Wednesday from 19.30 hrs. Balls and banter - a textbook night in the pub. £2 to enter, with cash prizes. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: The Dragon’s Ball with TFU Sleepy Jam Band, Thumpermonkey, DJ Wolfenchild From 9pm. FREE entry! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: This Is Not Alternative An evening of the naughtiest pop, dance and cheese to dance around your handbag to, with DJ Linton. Doors 8pm, free entry and happy hour bar before 25

10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: King Of Clubs Loop Lounge Poker Night: It's the standard Texas Hold’em format that we all know and love. This night is open to all Loop Lounge members. To register an interest and book a place at our tables please visit our website. Midday until midnight Half price on all drinks: Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry. Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Dance: Dancercise Keep fit and meet new people at this fun and friendly beginners dance class. Come and join the fun every Wednesday. 7.30pm. £3.50. Central Court, Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Quiz: The Edge Weekly quiz: gen knowledge / music / sport / missing link / mystery year. £50 bar tab to the winner. 8pm. £1 per person entry The Edge, 1 South End, Croydon • Gay: Camp Bingo hosted by Miss Isla Blige – drinks at Happy Hour Prices from when you buy your books until the first number is called. The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net • Music: “Chamber” Advert + The Slow Blade + Neurotic Mass Movement + Widows (8pm; £4; new doom) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Thu 05 • Event: Crufts Until Sun 8th ‘CJ, call me when the schnausers are

what’s on

Please mention Deep-London when visiting venues... on...’ Birmingham NEC + BBC2 http://www.crufts.org.uk • Music: Papa George and Alan Glen A National steel romp from the popular resonator master; accompanied by Yardbird, Puppy and Barcode Glen. www.papageorge.co.uk FREE entry. Live blues at The Oval - bands start 5.30pm Sundays and 8pm Thursdays. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: The New Delta Big Band From Ellington to Herman, big band jazz at its best! 8.15pm to 11pm. FREE! Every 1st and 3rd Thursday of the month. The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Club: Alt X South London's biggest rock and metal night with DJs Tony X and Hazekeal Rage. Cheap drinks till 11pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Quiz: JF Big Quiz From 8pm. The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Quiz: Crown and Sceptre Fun general knowledge quiz. Every Thursday from 9pm. Crown and Sceptre, 32 Junction Road, South Croydon, 020 8688 8037 • Quiz: Wendy’s Wonderful Pub Quiz See the star of this month’s Croydonhello! in action as quiz-master general at the dragon’s fun pub-quiz. Upstairs. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: “Undersea Noise Generator” Heat From A DeadStar + Eat Lights Become Lights + The Notorious Hi-Fi Killers + Songs From The Shows (8pm; £5 prog/postrock)

The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Fri 06 • Poetry: Poets Anonymous Friday Poetry at the Dog and Bull, Surrey Street, Croydon, Surrey. Floor spots. From 8pm. £2 waged, £1 unwaged. Contact Peter for further details; peter@poetsanon.org.uk, 020 8645 9956 • Music: Oval DJs The regular Oval faves, plus guests, keeping Fridays funky. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Club: WTF with DJ Zoe Urchin serving up the best Indie guitar grooves all night long. Doors 7pm, free entry before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Comedy: Croydon Comedy Club Live stand-up at the Fairfield, every fortnight. 8.30pm - £9. Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Club: F**k It, It’s Friday Audiopollen at Loop every Friday Loop’s punch the crunch is Croydon’s afterwork party venue. Half price on all drinks from 5pm until 9pm each and every Friday. Expect a beautiful night with beautiful people. 8pm until 3am £5 advance tickets More information and guest list call 07793 290638 Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Karaoke: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8.30pm every Friday night. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Music: The B Sharps 9pm. FREE entry Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Road, Purley, 26

CR8 2HA. 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Music: “Backstreets” Kevin Tuffy & The Coldharbour Band + Tape The Radio + The Wild Bunch + Wolfpack Of One (8pm; £4 indie/rock) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Sat 07 • Music: DJ Rob Delta 1st Saturday of the month. Funk, blues, soul and psychedelia. FREE entry. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Godsized / Sons of Merrick / Huron Frantic Promos presents: "A DARN GOOD NIGHT OF KICK ARSE METAL" 8pm. £4. www.myspace.com/godsized www.myspace.com/sonsofmerrick www.myspace.com/huronuk The Brief, George Street, Croydon • Club: DJ Linton Dance bombs. Funk Rockets. Beatseeking missiles. Never outgunned. The biggest dancefloor monsters from DJ LINTON. Because it's war on the dancefloor. Doors 7pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: Me and Mandy Cafe Mambo’s resident and Ibiza legend Pete Gooding, and Tommy Mac, Si Gern (Mandy resident), Tom Unity (UK House Mafia), with live band The Inwits Live up-and-coming band The Inwits start the party playing their best jumpup Indie tunes till 10pm. From 10pm until midnight Tom Unity (UK House Mafia) and Si Gern (Mandy resident) play the best and latest house music gettin’ you buzzed up and ready for Cafe Mambo’s resident Ibiza legend Pete Gooding, then finish the night with Tommy Mac in Style. Loop gets transformed for this night with mental lighting, a naugthy sound system and smart decor.We have done the hard bit, now all you have to do is get yourselves

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... down there and have it. 9pm until 3am. £10 advance / more on the door. For advance tickets call: 07786 264 854 or visit Loop Lounge For more info email: Mail@MeAndMandy.co.uk Dress code: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. You need to be aged 18 or more to visit Loop Lounge. ID is required at all times. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday The Gun Tavern, Crown Hill, Croydon • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday Portmanor, Portland Road, South Norwood, SE25 4UF • Music: People’s Republic of Disco 7th Birthday Party featuring Morton Valence (8pm; £4.50; indie and everything) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Sun 08 • Music: IAN BALLANTINE (Vibes) QUARTET Vibe playing at its best. Featuring Kenny Shaw on Guitar. Lunchtime Jazz from 12pm. FREE! www.jazznet.co.uk The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Live New Orleans Jazz Every Sunday 12.30 - 2.30pm at The Lord Napier Jazz Pub. Entry £2, dance floor, raffle, great atmosphere at one of the longest running Jazz Pubs in Great Britain The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath. 020 8653 2286 • Music: King Earl Boogie Band Another debut here at the Oval. Driving Boogie Woogie rhythm and blues from an all-star line-up! www.kebb.co.uk FREE entry. Live blues at The Oval - bands start 5.30pm Sundays and 8pm Thursdays. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk

• Music: The Education A new monthly night which aims to promote local talent, with free food, pass the parcel, DJs and live music from Silhouette Of A Ghost, Anything For Now, The Toniks. £4 entry. The Brief, George Street, Croydon • Music: Croydon Folk and Blues Club Guest spot Les Elvin- Singer & guitarist. Floor singers, musicians and audience welcome. From 8pm. £2. Ruskin House, 23 Coombe Road, Croydon, Surrey, http://folkandblues.org • Club: Bangers South London's Bo-est Live Hip Hop & Open Mic Cypher. Hosted by Oliver Sudden feat DJs Al Mighty & Blue Movies on the record players and lots of rapping and breakdancing and drawing and stuff. Doors 7pm, £2 all night. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Comedy: Ken Dodd 7pm Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Quiz: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8pm. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Music: Open Mic Sundays Live music every Sunday The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/thebriefcroydon • Music: Open Mic The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Road, Purley, CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Music: Open Mic Jam evening, acoustic open mic. All welcome.. The Dog and Bull, Surrey Street, Croydon • Event: Whitechapel’s Trail Of Terror Informative and entertaining Jack The Ripper walk around Whitechapel. Meet at 6pm at The Blind Beggar Pub. £5 (£3 concessions). For more info and to book a place see: www.myspace.com/ whitechapelstrailofterror 27

• Music: “International Women’s Day Gig” The Cellophane Flowers + Sailorette + Smiling Knife + The Lorcas + Elena Malamou (7pm; £5 acoustic/americana) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Mon 09 • Music: The Big Beer Band Live big-band music. Every Monday from 9ish. FREE! The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/the_brief www.bigbeerband.org • Club: Monday Club Half price drinks until 12am, with music from The Katie and Alex Show. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: Blue Monday Buy one hour of Pool and receive one hour free of charge. Don’t worry if you are on a one-hour lunch break - we will give you a voucher to use another day. If you are not a member you can join at reception free of charge if you bring some ID along. Half price on all drinks: Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm. Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry. Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Gay: The Big Fun Gay Quiz Night fun and general knowledge quiz. Questions from all categories, games that everyone can enjoy. Start the week off with a bang! Starts 8pm The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net • Music: Reigns + Smallgang + Modros + Former Utopia (8pm; £4 alt-rock) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on...

Tue 10 • Event: Commonwealth Day No, we don’t know either... • Music: Blues Open Mic 2nd and 4th Tuesdays of the month. Simon's blues and acoustic open Open Mike nights. We let you entertain us! From 20.30 hrs.. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk

• Music: Freedom Of Expression with Sue Verran, Jenny Lockyer, Matt Geary and MJ Hibbert. 8pm start. Upstairs. FREE entry. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Common People Cheap drinks till 11pm with pure Indie and Electro tunes from DJs The Spivs. Doors 7pm, £1 entry. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233.

www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Quiz: The Dog and Bull From 9pm-ish, a quiz, a game of play your cards right and a sing-song. Mental. 50p in including sarnies. See article, April issue. The Dog and Bull, Surrey Street, Croydon • Pool: Pool Competition downstairs. 8pm start The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Damo Suzuki + Cosmic Shenggy + Sputniko! (8pm; £9 alternative) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Wed 11 • Sport: Cheltenham Festival Until March 13th One of the main horse racing events of the year, taking place in Cheltenham (in Gloucestershire, part of the Cotswolds). This is jump racing (over fences), with many top British and Irish horses competing. The most important race is the Gold Cup on Friday. You can watch the races on television on Channel 4. See: www.cheltenham.co.uk/festival • Pool: The Oval Pool Competition Every Wednesday from 19.30 hrs. Balls and banter - a textbook night in the pub. £2 to enter, with cash prizes. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: 23 Enigma / Shivery plus support. 8pm. The Ship, 47 High Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/theshipofcroydon • Club: This Is Not Alternative An evening of the naughtiest pop, dance and cheese to dance around your handbag to, with DJ Linton. Doors 8pm, free entry and happy hour bar before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar 28

LOCAL LEGEND

DAVE ENDACOTT

The Trophy

RECEIVES THE CROYDONHELLO! BEST CROYDON BARMAN OF ALL TIME AWARD Dave On. . . The Smoking Ban: “It’s sh*t. Where are all the non-smokers who were supposed to flood into pubs after the ban? I ain’t seen ‘em.” Drunks: “Ask them to leave politely. If they don’t go then kick ‘em in the b******s! Simple.” (we think Dave might be kidding us – The Editor) Hangover cure: “Hair of the dog. There is no other way.” Croydon pubs: “Without being rude, there are too many bars and not enough traditional pubs. I’d like to see more of them: get real ale back on the map.”

"We'll take a cup": Dave receives the award from Croydonhello! editor Nick Razzo

PHOTOS: ANGELA LUPO-CATTIVO

e at Croydonhello! thought it was high time that a Barman of the Year award was established. The selling and consumption of beer, wine and spirituous liquors is a central activity in the town and it seemed only right and proper that the frontline staff of this industry were officially recognised. As we pondered suitable candidates, we suddenly realised that before we could give out a barperson of the year award we had to honour one person’s entire career. Having drunk in most Croydon pubs over the last 20 years and been served by hundreds of people I can say with authority that I put in a great deal of research in to who might truthfully be named the barman di tutti barmen, the bar jockey against whom all others must be judged. Step forward Dave “Dave” Endacott. He is the recipient of Croydonhello’s Best Barman of All Time Award. Dave is a no-nonsense, hard-working barman. He is all the things a barman needs to be: observant, obliging, industrious, polite, swift and possessed of

a sound knowledge of drink and who is next in the queue to be served. Like all the best barman, he could advise you on almost any subject, from moral philosophy down to the best way to pour a brown and mild. He can handle a drunk or a cheese roll with equal aplomb. Among his fellow bar staff he is like an Old Master among talented apprentices; we might go as far as to call him the Rembrandt of the Ram and Spesh, the Carravaggio of the Christmas Pudding Ale. Dave began his career in 1985 at Goodies, the semi-legendary real-aleupstairs-disco-bar-downstairs pub on Park Street and has been pulling pints in a host of venues around Croydon ever since, a classic barman of the old school. There’s only one thing left to say: celebrate this local institution - if you see Dave, buy the man a drink! Gentleman barmen of this sort are, sadly, a vanishing breed. By: Nick Razzo

Bar staff: “Patience, communication and eye contact. Also, there are too many people doing it now and that can drive the standard down. There used to be stiff competition for bar work - you had to be good to survive.” Punters: “Please know your round before you begin the order. Be patient with us; we work hard.”

To the winner the spoils: Dave takes a shot of his favourite tipple, Jack Daniels' Old Time No.7 Sour Mash Whiskey

WENDY FREER

REVEALS HER ALCOHOL, LOVE AND GROOMING TIPS AS WELL AS A PASSION FOR X-RATED PUPPETRY

WORDS: NICK RAZZO. PHOTOS: NICK RAZZO, ANGELA LUPO-CATTIVO

roydon ‘it-girl’ and local pub celebrity Wendy Freer takes a mouthful of rum and coke and considers her philosophy of life. “It’s about having fun and getting on with people - as long you’ve got the money to live, why not? I’ve lived in two countries, five counties and eleven schools. I’ve learned how to get on with people.” And what a socialite Wendy is! The Green Dragon is centre of the social forays she makes from her charming flat off Combe Road (spendidly furnished with settees that used to adorn the CRObar), but she knows Croydon pubs like the back of her hand. In fact, what she doesn’t know about the ins and outs of the pub trade isn’t worth knowing. This may have something to with the fact she was born in a pub: The Nag’s Head at West Drayton and, on her journey to arch-celebrity and party face of the Croydon pub scene, she has been around them ever since. How did you become a pub celebrity? “I used to work in Mum and Dad’s pub, the Jack and Jill at Coulsdon. Then I got involved in The Ship, lived there for three months’ actually. I became assistant manager at 19. I liked to socialise - Black Sheep Bar (Jon Bishop was DJ at the time), Po Na Na’s on a Thursday. During that odd phase when the Ship was like some kind of dance venue, before it turned back into a metal pub. I just like to go out. And central Croydon is within staggering distance of where I live.”

A Rum do: Home entertaining can be fun, too!

In le boudoir: Wendy transformed her flat from a bright green hell-hole into a tasteful, relaxing sanctuary with a bar

Your fondness for Sailor Jerry rum is well known... “Yeah. I discovered it on the Sheep’s “Wall of Rum”. It’s just so good. When I tasted it, it was mmmm, warm, nice. BUT, let me reveal to you right now that it isn’t my favourite rum. It’s my second favourite rum. My favourite rum is Cockspurs.” Where are you at, relationship-wise? “I get bored easily, but I’m always looking, I can tell you that! I’m nearly 30, so I guess I should be looking for the one now. You are well known for your admiration for a certain part of the male anatomy... “That’s right! I have a key-ring and a tshirt proclaiming this.” What is it that you like about them? “I like the way they can move on their own and with some deft puppetry you can make them appear to talk!” Penile ventriloquism, then? “Ha-ha yes, but I don’t think it would go down as well as Puppetry of the Penis, but I’d give it a go.” If you were Dictator of Croydon, what would you do? “Do something for over-25s, club or

Wendy’s Essential Grooming Tips: • Trim and tidy your Lady Garden. Men should keep the Man Garden tightly trimmed as well. • Watch out for Love Puffs. (This cannot be explained in a family paper - The Editor) • Eye-liner • Hair-straightener

“Too many men are too short, too many wear brown shoes”

The social whirl: So many people, so many parties. . .

pub-wise. Somewhere decent with proper old music.’ Best pubs in Croydon? “Green Dragon and the Oval.” Worst thing about Croydon? “The scumbags. Sometimes, if you sit at the front of centrally located bars on a Saturday night, it’s like being ringside at a boxing match.” Opinions on Croydon men? “Too many are too short. Too many wear brown shoes. The brown shoe cult is unnecessary.” Which person in Croydon would you give your last shot of Sailor Jerry to? “I’d drink it myself.”

Wendy’s Advice To Croydon Council:

Another little drinkie-poo: “Actually, my favourite rum is Cockspurs. . .”

• MORE FREE FESTIVALS, PLEASE! We love ‘em!

Wendy’s Never Leave The House Without: • Phone • Fags • Camera

UNDERCOVER

roydonhello’s deepest congratulations go to wildman drummer Wayne “Bully” Bulled and his wife, Hannah. They discovered last week they are expecting a baby girl. We trust the daughter of The Hangovers legendary skinsman will thrash the high-hat in the family tradition. The only question is can Bully pack up the fags? A trenchant puffer, who has been known to get through 80 gaspers a day, Bully maintains he wants to give up. But, in an unguarded moment, he said: “Thing is, smoking, like drumming, keeps me fit. It’s virtually the only exercise my right arm gets.” We shed salty tears here at Croydonhello! when we discovered that the Clocktower’s Tourist Information Centre was closing down on February 25. Many’s the happy hour we have spent in there, fighting through the crowds to study Roundshaw Estate bus timetables... Word reaches us that Croydon celebrity hairdresser and rock star Nick “cassettes” Reeves is writing a musical. It is

based on the story of Beanos, the legendary Croydon second-hand record shop. Reeves, who used to be hairdresser for glam rockers Mott the Hoople, is uncharacteristically tight-lipped about the whole project but says there will a promotional movie and a ticker tape parade complete with drum majorettes... Knotty Ash’s finest, Ken Dodd, will perform his Happiness Show at the Fairfield Halls next month on March 8. We urge all Croydonhello! readers to witness his fivehour laugh-athon. We will not see his like again. Also, check out the latest disco platter from Tony Barrett aka Paper Street Soap

Nick Reeves: “Ooh, Betty”

Company at www.myspace.com/thesoapcompany Barrett, once dubbed the hardest working man in Croydon showbiz, has a dynamite floorfiller, called Disco Express...

DO YOU WANT TO BE IN Send your pics, gossip and stories to: hello@deep-london.co.uk

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... • Music: The Bootleg Beatles 8pm. Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Club: King Of Clubs Loop Lounge Poker Night: It's the standard Texas Hold’em format that we all know and love. This night is open to all Loop Lounge members. To register an interest and book a place at our tables please visit our website. Midday until midnight Half price on all drinks: Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry. Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Dance: Dancercise Keep fit and meet new people at this fun and friendly beginners dance class. Come and join the fun every Wednesday. 7.30pm. £3.50. Central Court, Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Quiz: The Edge Weekly quiz: gen knowledge / music / sport / missing link / mystery year. £50 bar tab to the winner. 8pm. £1 per person entry The Edge, 1 South End, Croydon • Gay: Camp Bingo hosted by Miss Isla Blige – drinks at Happy Hour Prices from when you buy your books until the first number is called. The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net • Music: Employee of the Month/Kilimanjaro Voluntary Butler Scheme + The Race + Dutch Uncles + Matt Saunders (8pm; £4 indie/pop) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Thu 12

Fri 13

• Music: Charles Shaar Murray and Bill Smith Legendary rock and blues writer teams up with regular 'Wild' Bill to deliver raw, rocking guitar and harp; plus tall tales from the man who's interviewed 'em all! FREE entry. Live blues at The Oval - bands start 5.30pm Sundays and 8pm Thursdays. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023. www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Club: Alt X South London's biggest rock and metal night with DJs Tony X and Hazekeal Rage. Cheap drinks till 11pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. ww.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Quiz: Wendy’s Wonderful Pub Quiz See the star of this month’s Croydonhello! in action as quiz-master general at the dragon’s fun pub-quiz. Upstairs. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Quiz: JF Big Quiz From 8pm. The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076. www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Quiz: Crown and Sceptre Fun general knowledge quiz. Every Thursday from 9pm. Crown and Sceptre, 32 Junction Road, South Croydon, 020 8688 8037 • Music: The Brian Hetherington Jazz Band Listen or jive to the authentic rythyms of New Orleans. 8.30pm-11pm. FREE! Every 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month. The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Music: “The Windmill Of Your Mind” Le Tetsuo + The Hornblower Bros + Treetop Flyers + The Soft (8pm; £5 indie) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

• Sport: Cheltenham Festival Until March 13th Gold Cup Day. You can watch the races on television on Channel 4. See: www.cheltenham.co.uk/festival • Music: Oval DJs The regular Oval faves, plus guests, keeping Fridays funky. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Event: IGNITE2 Croydon’s new live music showcase & clubnight produced by young people for young people. We are very excited to announce that our headline act this month will be the talented producer/rapper/ singer GoldieLocks! The home grown girl from Croydon will be taking over the stage with her fusion of pure Grime / Dub / Electronica!!. Also featuring the UK’s rising deck-star DJ host Dean Tynan and support acts The Flavonoids, H Dot vs Jynx, Olivia Fay, Million, Joy & Georgia as well as Humi vs Fobiah. IGNITE is produced by Arts Ambassadors, a team of young people from Croydon committed to giving all young people a chance to participate in the arts. More info: www.myspace.com/artsambassadors 7pm-11pm. £5. Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon. • Club: WTF with DJ Zoe Urchin serving up the best Indie guitar grooves all night long. Doors 7pm, free entry before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: Club Nicaragua The second coming for Club Nic. Expect mayhem. Army dress-up, shooting gallery, secret missions, drills and parades, free stuff, executions, techno, hard house, acid, beats, bootycore. You know, the usual... Upstairs at The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: F**k It, It’s Friday Audiopollen at Loop every Friday Loop’s punch the crunch is Croydon’s afterwork party venue. Half price on all drinks from 5pm until 9pm each and

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... every Friday. Expect a beautiful night with beautiful people. 8pm until 3am £5 advance tickets More information and guest list call 07793 290638 Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Karaoke: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8.30pm every Friday night. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Music: Oxfest details tbc The Brief, 48 George Street, Croydon 020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief

020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday The Gun Tavern, Crown Hill, Croydon • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday Portmanor, Portland Road, South Norwood, SE25 4UF • Music: “Staying South” Off With Their Heads (USA) + Milloy + Cop Out + The Grizzely Ends 8pm; (£6 punk) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Sat 14

• Event: London St Patrick’s Day Festival A celebration of Irish culture in London, usually on the Sunday nearest to St Patrick's Day (17 March). There is a parade and festival of music and cultural performances. To check full details of this year's event, see: www.london.gov.uk/stpatricksday. • Music: Aviva Exciting 9 piece Latin band - be early Lunchtime Jazz from 12pm. FREE! www.jazznet.co.uk The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Live New Orleans Jazz Every Sunday 12.30 - 2.30pm at The Lord Napier Jazz Pub. Entry £2, dance floor, raffle, great atmosphere at one of the longest running Jazz Pubs in Great Britain The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath. 020 8653 2286 • Music: Oo-Bop-Sh’Bam Swinging Boogie Woogie and rhythm and blues from Jackson Sloan and one of the biggest line-ups ever seen here. www.oobopshbam.com FREE entry. Live blues at The Oval - bands start 5.30pm Sundays and 8pm Thursdays. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk

• Poetry: Poets Anonymous Saturday Poetry in the Primary Room, United Reformed Church, Addiscombe Grove, Croydon, Surrey. 2.30-4.00pm. £1.50. Bring your poetry to read and share. Contact Peter for further details; peter@poetsanon.org.uk, 020 8645 9956 • Event: Comic Relief What, you’re walking backwards all day? Oh you’re so wacky! It’s not clever, it’s irritating, just give ‘em your money, twat. www.rednoseday.com (listing sponsored by the ministry of fun) • Event: Steak & BJ Day According to facebook, today is national steak and a blow-job day. A male orientated version of Valentine’s day. Good luck chaps... www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=449 92559537. • Music: Man Must Die / Surrounded by Disgust / 1000 Sins / The Argent Dawn £4 ENTRY, DOORS 8PM PLUS! FIRST 50 PEOPLE THROUGH THE DOOR GET FREE ENTRY TO THE BLACK SHEEP BAR WITH WRISTBAND The Brief, George Street, Croydon • Club: DJ Linton Dance bombs. Funk Rockets. Beatseeking missiles. Never outgunned. The biggest dancefloor monsters from DJ LINTON. Because it's war on the dancefloor. Doors 7pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0.

Sun 15

• Club: Open Your Skull Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Croydon Folk and Blues Club Guest spot Robin Black & friends singers, musicians and audience welcome. From 8pm. £2. Ruskin House, 23 Coombe Road, Croydon, Surrey, http://folkandblues.org • Quiz: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8pm. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Music: Open Mic Sundays Live music every Sunday The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/thebriefcroydon • Music: Open Mic The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Road, Purley, CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Music: Open Mic Jam evening, acoustic open mic. All welcome.. The Dog and Bull, Surrey Street, Croydon • Music: Mendicant + Gadjo Form (acoustic/gypsy 8pm; FREE) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Mon 16 • Music: The Big Beer Band Live big-band music. Every Monday from 9ish. FREE! The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/the_brief www.bigbeerband.org • Club: Monday Club Half price drinks until 12am, with music from The Katie and Alex Show. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... • Club: Blue Monday Buy one hour of Pool and receive one hour free of charge. Don’t worry if you are on a one-hour lunch break - we will give you a voucher to use another day. If you are not a member you can join at reception free of charge if you bring some ID along. Half price on all drinks: Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry. Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Gay: The Big Fun Gay Quiz Night fun and general knowledge quiz. Questions from all categories, games that everyone can enjoy. Start the week off with a bang! Starts 8pm The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net • Music: “Basket Club” Howl Griff + more (folk/country; 8pm; FREE) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Tue 17 • Event: St Patrick’s Day Top o’ the morning etc etc. • Event: Anna’s Cocktail Night 1st and 3rd Tuesdays of the month. The Oval does kitsch! Great house cocktail menu, complete with Twiglets on the bar. Watch out for DJs and guest live music slots. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Pure Rawk St Patrick’s Day Party band details tbc but there will be goodies! The Brief, 48 George Street, Croydon 020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief • Music: Freedom Of Expression with Bluehouse & Stephen McGourty + open mic featuring comedy from

Christian Ancliff and magic from Andy Russell.. 8pm start. Upstairs. FREE entry. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Event: St Guinness Day Party with food music and shenanigans!. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Common People Cheap drinks till 11pm with pure Indie and Electro tunes from DJs The Spivs. Doors 7pm, £1 entry. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: St Patrick’s Party From 8.45 p.m. House band then at 10.45 p.m the Caffreys 5 piece Irish Band ( Fiddle, Guitar, Mandoline , Bass, Boran..) Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Road, Purley, CR8 2HA. 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Music: Croydon Folk and Blues Club celebrate St Patrick's Night with the Emerald Aces band and other musicians, licensed bar & free buffet from 8pm to midnight. Admission £4 Ruskin House, 23 Coombe Road, Croydon, Surrey, http://folkandblues.org • Quiz: The Dog and Bull From 9pm-ish, a quiz, a game of play your cards right and a sing-song. Mental. 50p in including sarnies. See article, April issue. The Dog and Bull, Surrey Street, Croydon • Pool: Pool Competition downstairs. 8pm start The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: “St Patrick’s Nightmare” Rum Shebeen + The Lovebirds + Prints Of Whales + Yngve + JD Smith (7pm; £5; rock/folk) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Wed 18 • Pool: The Oval Pool Competition Every Wednesday from 19.30 hrs. Balls and banter - a textbook night in the pub. £2 to enter, with cash prizes. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Club: This Is Not Alternative An evening of the naughtiest pop, dance and cheese to dance around your handbag to, with DJ Linton. Doors 8pm, free entry and happy hour bar before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: London Mozart Players 7.30pm. Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Club: King Of Clubs Loop Lounge Poker Night: It's the standard Texas Hold’em format that we all know and love. This night is open to all Loop Lounge members. To register an interest and book a place at our tables please visit our website. Midday until midnight Half price on all drinks: Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry. Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Dance: Dancercise Keep fit and meet new people at this fun and friendly beginners dance class. Come and join the fun every Wednesday. 7.30pm. £3.50. Central Court, Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Quiz: The Edge Weekly quiz: gen knowledge / music / sport / missing link / mystery year. £50 bar tab to the winner. 8pm. £1 per person entry The Edge, 1 South End, Croydon • Gay: Camp Bingo hosted by Miss Isla Blige – drinks at Happy Hour Prices from when you buy your books until the first number is

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... called. The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net • Music: Stinking Lizaveta (USA) + End of Level Boss + Crumbling Ghost (8pm; £5; rock/alternative) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Thu 19 • Music: Rag Mama Rag Ooh la la!! Hard driving country blues duo on tour from France. www.ragmamarag.co.uk FREE entry. Live blues at The Oval - bands start 5.30pm Sundays and 8pm Thursdays. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Club: Alt X South London's biggest rock and metal night with DJs Tony X and Hazekeal Rage. Cheap drinks till 11pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: The New Delta Big Band From Ellington to Herman, big band jazz at its best! 8.15pm to 11pm. FREE! Every 1st and 3rd Thursday of the month. The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Quiz: JF Big Quiz From 8pm. The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Quiz: Crown and Sceptre Fun general knowledge quiz. Every Thursday from 9pm. Crown and Sceptre, 32 Junction Road, South Croydon, 020 8688 8037 • Quiz: Wendy’s Wonderful Pub Quiz See the star of this month’s Croydonhello! in action as quiz-master

general at the dragon’s fun pub-quiz. Upstairs. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: The Winter Olympics + Atomic Suplex + tbc (8pm; £4 indie/punk) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

• Karaoke: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8.30pm every Friday night. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Music: Me My Head + Black Daniel + Stagecoach + tbc (8pm; £4; indie/electro) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Fri 20

Sat 21

• Event: Spring Equinox 12 hours of light, 12 hours of dark. Nice and neat, like. • Music: Oval DJs The regular Oval faves, plus guests, keeping Fridays funky. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Comedy: Croydon Comedy Club Live stand-up at the Fairfield, every fortnight. 8.30pm - £9. Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Music: The Fureys and Davey Arthur 7.45pm. Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Club: WTF with DJ Zoe Urchin serving up the best Indie guitar grooves all night long. Doors 7pm, free entry before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: F**k It, It’s Friday Audiopollen at Loop every Friday Loop’s punch the crunch is Croydon’s afterwork party venue. Half price on all drinks from 5pm until 9pm each and every Friday. Expect a beautiful night with beautiful people. 8pm until 3am £5 advance tickets. More information and guest list call 07793 290638 Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk

• CHARITY: Robstock 2009 An evening of charitable chaos in aid of the Royal Marsden Cancer Campaign. Featuring live music from Dr Smutglove, Miss Nic, Jay Gipson, Tom Janssen. £2 in, 8pm start. The Green Dragon, 60 High Street, Croydon, CR0 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub www.royalmarsden.org • Music: Dr Funkenstein in the back bar The Brief, 48 George Street, Croydon 020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief • Club: DJ Linton Dance bombs. Funk Rockets. Beatseeking missiles. Never outgunned. The biggest dancefloor monsters from DJ LINTON. Because it's war on the dancefloor. Doors 7pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: Dirty Disclosure Hat Party Hats how we do it at Dirty Disclosure! DJs Hoxton Whores, Williams & Du Bois Local Heroes, Page Twins, House Doctors, Dirty Side of House, Sho Rock 9pm until 5.30am £10 advance / £15 on the door For advance tickets: contact Blake on 07743 518 649 Dress code: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday The Gun Tavern, Crown Hill, Croydon

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday Portmanor, Portland Road, South Norwood, SE25 4UF • Event: Head Of The River Race A boat race on the river Thames in London for "eights". Several hundred boats compete, setting off at 10-second intervals. It is expected to start at 11:15am and end at about 12:30pm; the fastest boats can complete the 4.25 mile course in about 20 minutes. The race starts at Chiswick Bridge and ends at Putney Bridge. You can watch it from any accessible point along the river, but the best views are probably on the east bank of the Thames just north of Chiswick Bridge (near Mortlake). Poor weather or strong tides may stop the race so check: www.horr.co.uk. • Music: Six50Whisky + Sunnyhill Road + Electric Riders (Spain) 8pm £4 rock/psych) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Sun 22 • Event: Mother’s Day Ah, bless ya mum. • Event: Cabaret Mother’s Day meal offer - 3 courses for £9.95 + cabaret in the evening (TBC call for details) The Brief, George Street, Croydon 020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief • Music: Pete Downes PD3 Jazz with a touch of Funk with special guest Dick Pearce (Trumpet) Lunchtime Jazz from 12pm. FREE! www.jazznet.co.uk. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Live New Orleans Jazz Every Sunday 12.30 - 2.30pm at The Lord Napier Jazz Pub. Entry £2, dance floor, raffle, great atmosphere at one of the longest running Jazz Pubs in Great Britain The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath. 020 8653 2286 • Music: Diz & the Doormen Diz Watson and cohorts deliver a pumpin’ New Orleans-style mix of Barrel House, R’n’B, Rock 'n' Roll and Boogie Woogie. And it’s his birthday too! www.dizwatson.swiftserve.net

FREE entry. Live blues at The Oval bands start 5.30pm Sundays and 8pm Thursdays. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Club: Trashville Trashville presents: the blue flames + DJ’s the flattop brothers + guest DJ Dave Mumbles. £4 Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Quiz: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8pm. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Music: Open Mic Sundays Live music every Sunday The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/thebriefcroydon • Music: Open Mic The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Road, Purley, CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Music: Open Mic Jam evening, acoustic open mic. All welcome.. The Dog and Bull, Surrey Street, Croydon

Mon 23 • Music: The Big Beer Band Live big-band music. Every Monday from 9ish. FREE! The Brief, George Street, Croydon. www.myspace.com/the_brief www.bigbeerband.org • Club: Monday Club Half price drinks until 12am, with music from The Katie and Alex Show. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. ww.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: Blue Monday Buy one hour of Pool and receive one hour free of charge. Don’t worry if you are on a one-hour lunch break - we will give you a voucher to use another day. If you are not a member you can join at reception free of charge if you bring some ID along. Half price on all drinks: 37

Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry. Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Gay: The Big Fun Gay Quiz Night fun and general knowledge quiz. Questions from all categories, games that everyone can enjoy. Start the week off with a bang! Starts 8pm The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net

Tue 24 • Music: Blues Open Mic 2nd and 4th Tuesdays of the month. Simon's blues and acoustic open Open Mike nights. We let you entertain us! From 20.30 hrs.. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Freedom Of Expression with Jeremy Ayre, The Blowpipes, Matt Finucane and Alex J Dunne. 8pm start. Upstairs. FREE entry. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Common People Cheap drinks till 11pm with pure Indie and Electro tunes from DJs The Spivs. Doors 7pm, £1 entry. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Quiz: The Dog and Bull From 9pm-ish, a quiz, a game of play your cards right and a sing-song. Mental. 50p in including sarnies. See article, April issue. The Dog and Bull, Surrey Street, Croydon • Pool: Pool Competition downstairs. 8pm start The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: HK119 + Vars of Litchi + tbc (8pm; £4 alternative)

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Wed 25 • Film: London Lesbian & Gay Film Festival Until April 8. A festival of gay and lesbian films, shown at the National Film Theatre in London. For details, see: www.llgff.org.uk. • Pool: The Oval Pool Competition Every Wednesday from 19.30 hrs. Balls and banter - a textbook night in the pub. £2 to enter, with cash prizes. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Colt 44 / Kitty Lipps live music at the Ship. 8pm. The Ship, 47 High Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/theshipofcroydon • Club: This Is Not Alternative An evening of the naughtiest pop, dance and cheese to dance around your handbag to, with DJ Linton. Doors 8pm, free entry and happy hour bar before 10pm.. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: King Of Clubs Loop Lounge Poker Night: It's the standard Texas Hold’em format that we all know and love. This night is open to all Loop Lounge members. To register an interest and book a place at our tables please visit our website. Midday until midnight Half price on all drinks: Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry. Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Dance: Dancercise Keep fit and meet new people at this fun and friendly beginners dance class. Come and join the fun every

Wednesday. 7.30pm. £3.50. Central Court, Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Quiz: The Edge Weekly quiz: gen knowledge / music / sport / missing link / mystery year. £50 bar tab to the winner. 8pm. £1 per person entry The Edge, 1 South End, Croydon • Gay: Camp Bingo hosted by Miss Isla Blige – drinks at Happy Hour Prices from when you buy your books until the first number is called. The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net

Thu 26 • Music: Big Joe Louis & Little George One of London's best-known perfomers teams up with long time collaborator and 3 time Harp Player of the Year George Sueref to deliver authentic 40s and 50s down-home and Chicago blues. www.bigjoelouis.com FREE entry. Live blues at The Oval - bands start 5.30pm Sundays and 8pm Thursdays. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Event: Belgian Beer Tasting Taste 10 beers + snacks for £15. 7.30pm - 9.30pm. Book in advance at the bar. Half and Half Lounge Bar 282 High Street, Croydon, 020 8726 0080 www.halfandhalf.uk.com • Club: Alt X South London's biggest rock and metal night with DJs Tony X and Hazekeal Rage. Cheap drinks till 11pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Event: Creative Networking Eleanor Appleton writes: “A brand new networking event which I am planning to make a monthly occurrence. It will be based in Croydon but not just for Croydoners, if you are involved or have aspirations to get involved in the 38

what’s on creative industries you are welcome. Because as they say 'it's not what you know it's who you know'. If you are an actor / singer / dancer / cabaret performer etc. and would like to perform on the night the venue has a stage and you are encouraged to do so. Please contact me in advance if you would like to do this. Whichever area is your particular interest then you are welcome to attend, performing, writing, crafts, fine art, sculptor, music, lighting and sound technicians, producing, directing, film, promotions, designers etc. If you would like to display any of your products you are welcome to do so at a cost of £20 per stall. The professional Crystal Palace based filmmaker/producer Enrico Tessarin will be speaking at the first networking event. 7.30-11pm. £3 entrance fee Contact: 07916 270847 email - eleanor.appleton@gmail.com. The Brief, 48 George Street Croydon, CR0 1PD • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Quiz: JF Big Quiz From 8pm. The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Quiz: Wendy’s Wonderful Pub Quiz See the star of this month’s Croydonhello! in action as quiz-master general at the dragon’s fun pub-quiz. Upstairs. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Quiz: Crown and Sceptre Fun general knowledge quiz. Every Thursday from 9pm. Crown and Sceptre, 32 Junction Road, South Croydon, 020 8688 8037 • Music: Aces High details tbc. The Brief, 48 George Street, Croydon 020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief • Music: The Brian Hetherington Jazz Band Listen or jive to the authentic rythyms of New Orleans. 8.30pm-11pm. FREE! Every 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month. The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on...

Fri 27 • Music: Oval DJs The regular Oval faves, plus guests, keeping Fridays funky. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Time Promos Night details tbc. The Brief, 48 George Street, Croydon 020 8686 6878 www.myspace.com/the_brief • Club: WTF with DJ Zoe Urchin serving up the best Indie guitar grooves all night long. Doors 7pm, free entry before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: F**k It, It’s Friday Audiopollen at Loop every Friday Loop’s punch the crunch is Croydon’s afterwork party venue. Half price on all drinks from 5pm until 9pm each and every Friday. Expect a beautiful night with beautiful people. 8pm until 3am £5 advance tickets. More information and guest list call 07793 290638 Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Karaoke: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8.30pm every Friday night. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF

Sat 28 • Music: DJ BennyManyHats 4th Saturday of the month. Playing the way only Benny can.. FREE entry. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Club: Gimme Indie Rock 80's TV meets 90's indie rock and metal hybrid club night. FREE retro sweets, classic and forgotten 90's grunge, metal and indie choons from the DJ, FREE sweets ...whoops I've said that already! ..em.. beautiful people from Croydon and much much more.

8pm-1am, upstairs - FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: DJ Linton Dance bombs. Funk Rockets. Beatseeking missiles. Never outgunned. The biggest dancefloor monsters from DJ LINTON. Because it's war on the dancefloor. Doors 7pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday The Gun Tavern, Crown Hill, Croydon • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday Portmanor, Portland Road, South Norwood, SE25 4UF

Sun 29 • Event: British Summertime Begins Clocks go forward at 1am Sunday morning, we all lose an hour’s sleep, but the days get longer, so it’s swings and roundabouts... • Music: Jo Fooks Band Jo will be playing with her own band and you will not be disappointed. "KC Jazz" Lunchtime Jazz from 12pm. FREE! www.jazznet.co.uk The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Live New Orleans Jazz Every Sunday 12.30 - 2.30pm at The Lord Napier Jazz Pub. Entry £2, dance floor, raffle, great atmosphere at one of the longest running Jazz Pubs in Great Britain The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath. 020 8653 2286 • Event: The Boat Race Oxford v Cambridge, again. You’d think they’d give someone else a go... The race starts at Putney Bridge and ends just north of Chiswick Bridge. Starts at 3:40pm. Shown on BBC1 www.theboatrace.org • Music: Jazz Jam Workshop 4pm until 6pm - Jazz with Pete Joyce Quartet. All jazz musicians are welcome to participate. www.jazznet.co.uk The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub 39

• Music: Big Boy Bloater & The City Shakers 'Savage' 50’s Chicago-style blues and R&B combo. Featuring former Yardbird Laurie Garman on harp. www.bigboybloater.com FREE entry. Live blues at The Oval - bands start 5.30pm Sundays and 8pm Thursdays. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Club: Twist Not Push presents: a night of local metal. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Quiz: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8pm. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Music: Open Mic Sundays Live music every Sunday The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/thebriefcroydon • Music: Open Mic The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Road, Purley, CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Music: Open Mic Jam evening, acoustic open mic. All welcome.. The Dog and Bull, Surrey Street, Croydon • Music: Tim Holehouse + My Summer As A Salvation Soldier (Iceland) + Dieter Schoon (Sweden) + Former Utopia (8pm; £4; alternative) The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Mon 30 • Music: The Big Beer Band Live big-band music. Every Monday from 9ish. FREE! The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/the_brief www.bigbeerband.org

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... • Club: Monday Club Half price drinks until 12am, with music from The Katie and Alex Show. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: Blue Monday Buy one hour of Pool and receive one hour free of charge. Don’t worry if you are on a one-hour lunch break - we will give you a voucher to use another day. If you are not a member you can join at reception free of charge if you bring some ID along. Half price on all drinks: Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry. Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Gay: The Big Fun Gay Quiz Night fun and general knowledge quiz. Questions from all categories, games that everyone can enjoy. Start the week off with a bang! Starts 8pm The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net

Tue 31 • Club: Common People Cheap drinks till 11pm with pure Indie and Electro tunes from DJs The Spivs. Doors 7pm, £1 entry. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Freedom Of Expression with Roshi Nasehi and Temperance + open mic featuring poetry from Ant Smith. 8pm start. Upstairs. FREE entry. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Quiz: The Dog and Bull From 9pm-ish, a quiz, a game of play your cards right and a sing-song. Mental. 50p in including sarnies. See article, April issue. The Dog and Bull, Surrey Street, Croydon

• Pool: Pool Competition downstairs. 8pm start The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: “Staying South” Static Radio (USA) + The Arteries 8pm; £5 punk The Windmill Brixton, 22 Blenheim Gardens, London SW2 5BZ www.windmillbrixton.co.uk ADVANCE TIX: www.wegottickets.com TEL: 020 8671 0700

Wednesday 01 April • Event: April Fool’s Day Oh how we laughed... • Pool: The Oval Pool Competition Every Wednesday from 19.30 hrs. Balls and banter - a textbook night in the pub. £2 to enter, with cash prizes. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Space Age Hero / The 23 Enigma live music at the Ship. 8pm. The Ship, 47 High Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/theshipofcroydon • Music: Dragon’s Ball with The Display Team, Ten Foot Nun, Perhaps Contraption. 8pm start. Upstairs. FREE entry. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: This Is Not Alternative An evening of the naughtiest pop, dance and cheese to dance around your handbag to, with DJ Linton. Doors 8pm, free entry and happy hour bar before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Event: The Loves & Laughs Of Henry Blofeld Test Match commentator, broadcaster & raconteur Blowers! Comes to Croydon. Brilliant! 7.45pm £16. Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Club: King Of Clubs Loop Lounge Poker Night: It's the 40

standard Texas Hold’em format that we all know and love. This night is open to all Loop Lounge members. To register an interest and book a place at our tables please visit our website. Midday until midnight Half price on all drinks: Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry. Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Dance: Dancercise Keep fit and meet new people at this fun and friendly beginners dance class. Come and join the fun every Wednesday. 7.30pm. £3.50. Central Court, Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Quiz: The Edge Weekly quiz: gen knowledge / music / sport / missing link / mystery year. £50 bar tab to the winner. 8pm. £1 per person entry The Edge, 1 South End, Croydon • Gay: Camp Bingo hosted by Miss Isla Blige – drinks at Happy Hour Prices from when you buy your books until the first number is called. The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net

Thu 02 • Music: Live Blues Act tbc. 8pm The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Club: Alt X South London's biggest rock and metal night with DJs Tony X and Hazekeal Rage. Cheap drinks till 11pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... • Quiz: JF Big Quiz From 8pm. The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Quiz: Crown and Sceptre Fun general knowledge quiz. Every Thursday from 9pm. Crown and Sceptre, 32 Junction Road, South Croydon, 020 8688 8037 • Quiz: Wendy’s Wonderful Pub Quiz See the star of this month’s Croydonhello! in action as quiz-master general at the dragon’s fun pub-quiz. Upstairs. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub

Fri 03 • Music: Oval DJs The regular Oval faves, plus guests, keeping Fridays funky. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Comedy: Croydon Comedy Club Live stand-up at the Fairfield, every fortnight. 8.30pm - £9. Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Club: WTF with DJ Zoe Urchin serving up the best Indie guitar grooves all night long. Doors 7pm, free entry before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: F**k It, It’s Friday Audiopollen at Loop every Friday Loop’s punch the crunch is Croydon’s afterwork party venue. Half price on all drinks from 5pm until 9pm each and every Friday. Expect a beautiful night with beautiful people. 8pm until 3am £5 advance tickets. More information and guest list call 07793 290638 Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk

• Karaoke: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8.30pm every Friday night. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Event: Whitechapel’s Trail Of Terror Informative and entertaining Jack The Ripper walk around Whitechapel. Meet at 6pm at The Blind Beggar Pub. £5 (£3 concessions). For more info and to book a place see: www.myspace.com/ whitechapelstrailofterror

Sat 04 • Event: The Grand National The greatest horse race in the world. Watch it live on BBC1. 4.15pm. • Club: DJ Linton Dance bombs. Funk Rockets. Beatseeking missiles. Never outgunned. The biggest dancefloor monsters from DJ LINTON. Because it's war on the dancefloor. Doors 7pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. ww.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: 20 Years of House Alex P & Pete Walsh: It has always been about house music and it always will be. 8pm until 3am. Advance: £8. Tickets available from Loop Lounge and Swag Records On the door : £12 before 11pm, £15 after 11pm For guest list call 07908 053347 or email delharris@live.co.uk Dress Code: Sexy! (No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted). Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Music: Boot Led Zeppelin supported by The Rollin’ Stoned £18-£22. 7pm-11pm Shepherd’s Bush Empire, 56 Shepherds Bush Green, London, W12 8QE. Tel: 0870 771 2000 www.o2shepherdsbushempire.co.uk www.boot-led-zeppelin.com • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday The Gun Tavern, Crown Hill, Croydon • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday Portmanor, Portland Road, South Norwood, SE25 4UF 41

Sun 05 • Music: Lloyd Ryan Lunchtime Jazz from 12pm. FREE! www.jazznet.co.uk The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Live New Orleans Jazz Every Sunday 12.30 - 2.30pm at The Lord Napier Jazz Pub. Entry £2, dance floor, raffle, great atmosphere at one of the longest running Jazz Pubs in Great Britain The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath. 020 8653 2286 • Music: Live Blues Act tbc. 5.30pm The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Club: Trashville Rock N Roll, Rockabilly, Psychobilly. Free entry before 10pm, with DJs Bunny, Johnny Spazz & Flattop Dave. Doors 7pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Quiz: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8pm. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Music: Open Mic Sundays Live music every Sunday The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/thebriefcroydon • Music: Open Mic The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Road, Purley, CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Music: Open Mic Jam evening, acoustic open mic. All welcome.. The Dog and Bull, Surrey Street, Croydon

Septuagenarian agony aunt cum rock mutton Auntie May wobbles in a winter wonderland...

ello again dear readers. Well I’m pleased to say that the music scene in Croydon seems to have recovered from its slight flag after the festive season. This month I’ve been run off my feet trying to get to every event possible, sometimes two in one night, and some of you may have noticed that I’ve had to resort to wearing my Uggs for comfort (although others will have noticed that they have been cajoled into carrying me around due to my penchant for unsuitable footwear). I started off in the Ship on the 4th (yes Jay, the 4th!) for their Guitar Off

competition which promised to draw crowds of virtuoso guitar players from all corners of the world. Unfortunately an untimely sprinkling of snow forced all but one of these prospective axeheroes to stay tucked up at home in their slippers. Needless to say, inclement weather cannot keep me from my rightful place at the bar, so myself and a few hardy souls whiled away a pleasant evening with a few beers and some excellent music provided by Justified Egomaniac. The prize was awarded to Elmo, being the only person in the pub who could coax a tune out of a guitar, but he only won

“Not wanting to miss any of the CLIC charity action, I arrived at the Brief at the crack of dawn and formed my own queue...”

his own £5 back so he won’t be taking early retirement any time soon! By Saturday the snow had cleared a little and I headed down to the Brief for their all day charity fundraising event, Rock for CLIC, hosted by Frantic Promotions. CLIC Sargent is a charity devoted to helping the families of children with cancer cope with the pressures they face and I was only too pleased to get involved with raising as much money as possible for this worthy cause. Not wanting to miss any of the action on either the acoustic or main stage I arrived at the crack of dawn and formed my own queue. To begin with I was worried that the kokoa browne

kitty lipps

bad sign

shivery

kelly blowup

number of sound engineers would outnumber the guests, although I always say one can never have too many noiseboys. I was on raffle ticket duty and in an attempt to sell as many tickets as possible donned my leather trousers and thigh boots, which I discovered to my cost were extraordinarily perilous to walk in. On the acoustic stage, Kokoa Browne (and her family) were amazing but being a sucker for loud music I spent most of my time in front of the main stage. Brilliant sets from, amongst others, Shivery, Bundle of Id, Bad Sign and Kitty Lipps but, as usual, 23 Enigma blew everyone away with their brilliant songs and irrepressible energy. I was anxious to catch the end of Stevie Ears and Pantera Gary’s noisefest at the Ship but halfway down George Street I realised that the aforementioned boots were not going to get me there so I, rather ingeniously I thought, hitched a lift on the back of a passing mountaineer and arrived in style, although my heroic rescuer had to be resuscitated with several pints of ale before he was able to carry me home (HA! He never saw that one coming!) On the 20th I decided to swap Croydon for Soho and popped up to The Spice of Life to see Kelly’s Heels, who rather cleverly overcame the problem of finding another band to play with by simply popping to the toilets for a change of clothes at half time, rearranging themselves on the stage, and calling themselves Bruise for the second half. This worked very well since Kelly’s Heels have quite a 60’s, poppy, jangly feel to their music, while Bruise have a slightly harder, more emotional style. I was slightly surprised to be kicked out onto the streets by 11 though – I’d only just got started by then! I managed to carry on the next evening when Kitty Hudson, the Hangovers and Tenyson took over the Brief to promote Witchfest Rockz and celebrate a couple of birthdays along the way. The Brief have added a few new beers to their range, which I thoroughly tested, and then fell into the Black Sheep Bar until closing time which made getting home an interesting and time-consuming experience! Anyway folks, a week of detox is looming before I start the rollercoaster of beer, bands and bus stops next week. See you at (or under) the bar. www.myspace.com/auntiemay99

is for: THE ALHAMBRA. After extensive digging around in the archives I thought I was pretty well up on the lost pubs of Croydon – well, central Croydon at least. So it came as a great shock to me when the editor of this great organ appeared in the pub one evening with a tattered local history pamphlet, which contained a drawing of a rather fancy-looking

public house at the bottom of Wellesley Road called the Alhambra. After a bit of archive-rummaging I found the place in Wellesley Road – it stood where buses turn in to go to West Croydon bus station – and one photograph: a shot of the place being demolished. More of that further on. It was built during the great pub building boom of the 1860s and 70s. The drawing in the local history booklet shows a building that had some mildly flamboyant architectural features, possibly as a homage to its namesake, the Alhambra Palace in Spain. It was initially a beerhouse; its application for a spirits license was refused in 1873. For the next one hundred years it seemed to go about its trade. I have no anecdotal or official evidence of what sort of boozer it was. It may have been perfection, it may have been hell; but, as I always say, a pub is a pub is a pub. Except for ********** (censored for legal reasons – the editor ). Then, in 1975, at the tail end of the destructive mania for replacing solid Victorian architecture with gimcrack brutalist office blocks, an application was entered to build just such a block on the ground where the Alhambra stood. The process became a running story in the local press, including the long-defunct Croydon Mid-Week Post. Labour Councillor Bob Bishop opposed the redevelopment, presciently observing that the plan would be “…probably the first in an avalanche of people out to make a fortune at the expense of the community.”

Here’s to old Bob – he’d seen the future and it stunk! Of course, the pub was doomed. The only picture in the official archive is this one of it being bludgeoned to death with pickaxes early in 1978. The area is now a banal, concrete ‘nowhere’. When passing the spot, the pedestrian is urged to pause awhile and think of the dangers of official planning folly and also to raise an imaginary toast to the long-lost Alhambra.

Pic: Croydon Local Studies Library Find out more about Lost Croydon Pubs by joining the Facebook group: OLD CROYDON BOOZERS AND CLUBS (NOW DEMOLISHED OR CLOSED)

The latest dispatches from the other side of the world courtesy of Deep’s very own globe-trotting correspondant Geoff Lyons... "Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a message for passengers waiting to board Qantas Flight 578 to Auckland. You'll be aware of the late boarding of this flight. This is due to it being sent to the wrong Terminal. Unfortunately we are unable to clean it before we allow you to board, because smoke has been reported coming from somewhere in Perth International Terminal, and it has had to be evacuated. We will keep you informed..."

t was 8.30 a.m. on Thursday 15th January, I'd been up since four and what you've just read is what I'd just heard over the tannoy, word f'word... After 6 weeks travelling around Western Australia, I was on my way to New Zealand. The previous day I'd been smart and packed my rucksack early, because I knew from previous experience exactly what would happen on my last night in a country, and it did. I got pissed. I had a last barbeque with some of the people I'd met and ended up with the Fremantle equivalent of the U.N: Korea, Taiwan, Ireland, N.Z. and Germany all in attendance, with the Croydon representative finishing off a six-pack of Emu Bitter and the last third of a bottle of Jose Cuervo, then bumping into some heavy wood garden furniture and tabling his amendments before retiring hurt and hugging everyone goodbye. A few hours shut-eye before my 4.30 alarm to grab the airport shuttle bus ought to suffice, right? Alas, a wind blew up (don't look at me, I hadn't cooked a chilli for days...) and the big ole windows in the big ole backpackers decided to rattle in their frames. Thus, no kip. No worries though because I really love flying; airports, check ins, DUTY FREE! the wings, the tail, the whole damn thing... And it's a good job I like it, because at 6 a.m, at the Perth Domestic Check In, and after sod all sleeps, it went like this... "I'm sorry Mr Lyons, but there would appear to be no record at all of you flying with us this morning... there's nothing here on the computer... it looks like your company might have cancelled your flight... who did you book with?" "...Er, sorry??!! What do you mean

'no flight', waddyamean 'cancelled'?".. "Hold on a minute - I'll check..." "Thanks..." (me, now not just knackered, but also trying to supress the overwhelming urge to PANIC!) Phone call.... "Oh g'day Stacey, it's Belinda here at Check In, honey... I have a Mr Lyons here on an e-ticket. British passport. Says he's flying to Perth on Qantas 578 but there's nothing on the computer... yeah, I'll wait..." Long pause. Too bloody long... "Mmmm? Eh? Oh okay, cool! Yeah, I must have pressed the wrong key... Silly me, eh? See ya doll! It's okay Mr Lyons, it looks like you are flying with us

after all, now - did you pack your own bag?... " etc, etc. Had the bar been open at that stage, I could have murdered a cold beer and probably a tequila too. Instead, I joined a long, sleepy-looking queue of people in baseball caps and settled for a black coffee the size of Peru with 75 sugars stirred in. Approximately. So we waited for 3 hours or so. I think I read every magazine on sale in the Departure Lounge bookshop; Empire. Mojo. Uncut. Rolling Stone. FHM. Farmer's Weekly. Hook, Line and Sinker (ha! gotcha!), and then found that after little sleep and then reading too much to stay awake, I couldn't

“Your Croydon representative ended up bumping into some heavy wooden garden furniture and tabling his amendments...”

focus properly on the Information Board. I was like Ray Charles in a coal cellar in a powercut. At night. Eventually they found our plane, put out the fire, re-stocked the loo rolls and let us board. We taxied out onto the runway. Then we taxied back in again to sort out a problem with the air-con. And then finally, we were allowed to take off at midday. Eight hours, two airline meals and as many titchy bottles of free red wine later I was passing through Sydney (no jokes please), and then off to Auckland.

probably won't mean much to you, but the countryside's bloody stunning, the hillsides carpeted wall-t'wall in lush green grass, and the sheep look verrrry happy (easy tiger...). I've hiked for 3-5 hours most days, and it's really easy to lose yourself and get away from the hustle and bustle of the city in the hills, mountains and valleys. One highlight for me so far has to be hiking the Tongariro Crossing. Tongariro was N.Z.'s first National Park, and along with it's three mountains; Tongariro, Ngauruhoe and

“New Zealand’s countryside is stunning hillsides carpeted in lush green grass and the sheep look very happy...” I landed at 4 a.m. local time and grabbed a shuttle bus into town for 30 Kiwi dollars (about 12 quid). Now seriously tired due to lack of sleep and about 15 hours travelling, and really needing to crash, I found that, due to a tennis tournament and The Big Day Out Festival there was no room at any inn. All booked out they were. And I hadn't bothered booking in advance because, well, I'm an idiot and didn't think I needed to. Well I'm not any more and I do now. But then at 4 a.m. (again..!) I was walking around central Auckland knocking on doors of closed hostels and praying to someone I don't believe in for a nice, comfy bed... I can now tell you that the floor of the Baggage Storage Room at The Fat Camel Backpackers, Auckland, is very comfy. I know this because that's where I ended up crashing 'til about 7 a.m... It was hot, stuffy and there was a faint whiff of something old and musty - and it wasn't me. Ah well, at least they didn't ask for any money.... So. Finally. KIA ORA AO TEA ROA!! (hi New Zealand, Land Of The Long White Cloud!!). It was my third time here, and I only had six weeks, the aim being to hit the tramping trails and do as much hiking as possible. It's a beautiful, beautiful country, and if you took Cornwall, Wales, the Peak and Lake Districts, West Ireland and the Scottish Highlands and stir fried 'em in a wok with Hobbit Sauce, you’re getting there. And I love it. I've been from Auckland north to Whangerei (pronounced with an 'f'..), onto Paihia, then south to Rotorua, and onto Lake Taupo, then on down to Wellington via various towns. That

Ruapehu, is an area of huge spiritual importance to the local Maoris. Mount Ngauruhoe was chosen to star as Mount Doom in The Lord Of The Rings movie trilogy, and there are three main walks; The Northern and Southern Circuits and The Crossing. I'd done the eight hour crossing before, in winter, about seven years ago so decided to do it again in the summer. I finished in five hours - one hour quicker than last time - with The Lord Of The Rings soundtrack in my ipod, and even though the weather blew a gale for a while when we were at the highest point, the view of the vivid, lime green sulphur pools in bright sunlight was magical. And I swear I saw a tall, elderly guy with a pointy hat and even pointier white beard called Gandalf striding along the horizon. Funny name for a beard, that. En route down to the South Island, I had 2 days in Wellington, and did a mini-tour of some of the locations used in the movies, then had a half hour in The Weta Cave - not a dank, dark Orcridden hole in a mountainside but a showcase for the production company and it's employees... Then, having crossed The Cook Strait to get to the South Island I spent a few days in beautiful little Picton - two of which I spent hiking along the Marlborough Track. It rained hard, the wind blew, the mist and clouds rolled up, round, across and through the hills and mountains, and I honestly didn't care and loved every second. Even when I was wringing out my socks and boots at the end of day one. Oh man, did that beer taste good in ‘The Flying Haggis’ an hour later. 50

The people of New Zealand have to be among the friendliest and most laidback in the world. Here, you're more than likely to be offered some free, organic tomatoes the size of a baby's head to have with your two-minute noodles in the backpacker's that evening. And people make actually eye contact, smile, nod and say "hi'. Kinda refreshing, really. I head down to Stewart Island next I hear it's NZ's 'little secret'... you mean it gets better? Shit. It's a real pleasure to be back here again and it's made Australia look like it really is - a very shallow and second-rate kindergarten piss up for spoilt Billabong brats in their Calvin Quicksilver threads. Apparently they're now called 'flashpackers'... waddyamean I have to wash my own dishes?! I never could take people seriously when they wear shades at night, and as for hair straightners - lads, leave 'em to the ladies, eh ? So, New Zealand, you ROCK ! By the time you read this I'll be in Chile and on the last leg of my round the world journey in South America, heading north overland. I speak very little Spanish, so it's back to school again... Thanks for reading. Til next time, take it easy, Geoff x P.S... current NZ soundtrack, LOTR and The Cosmic Rough Rider's 'Enjoy The Melodic Sunshine'.

A splendid evening of Valentine’s humbug-ery...

lert readers may recall last month the deep-flying-solo-massive’s brilliant Valentine’s Day plan to take over a central Croydon restaurant and basically annoy everyone else in there, and our cunning ploy of not telling you which restaurant we were heading for so that you couldn’t avoid us. Well, I know you’re all agog to find out what happened, and I’m pleased to report that the restaurant in question was La Tasca and it was mission accomplished, with aplomb, and then some... Actually, as it transpired, Valentine’s Humbug Night, or Valloween as it was christened by Lucy, was one of the most fun nights out I’ve had for ages. After a brief foray into the Dragon to catch the end of the rugby, catch up with a seemingly never-ending stream of people I haven’t seen for bloody ages, and catch hold of the anti-Valentine’s collective, the advance party of me, Ferg, anti-Val organiser Nick, Dawn, Dan and Wayne stumbled over to our target of choice, La Tasca, the really rather good Tapas Bar in the centre of town, who were offering a glass of champers and 7 dishes each for a mere £19.95. Rather reasonable, we thought, which is why we chose it. Having ensconced ourselves on a huge table near the back (yes, they stuck us

near the back but then, wouldn’t you?) the champers soon arrived, as did the last two of our number, Lucy and Claire, with Lucy clutching a bottle of Champagne she’d brought with her because it was her ‘birthday’. To say we were annoying may be a bit of an overstatement, but we were, I think, all a bit giddy from actually having something fun to do on Valentine’s for a change, and Looks were given from the couple nearby. Sod ‘em. With the complimentary champers quaffed, and a large jug of sangria being ploughed through with gusto, it was time for the food, and I must say, considering it was something of a set meal arrangement, it was first class. A variety of dishes including calamari, chorizo in oil, patatas bravas, an enormous platter of salad, chicken and some other bits I can’t remember were all at least as good as if you’d ordered them yourself on a normal evening, and in some cases even better. The staff as well were exceptionally efficient and friendly, to the point of indulging both Lucy opening and dishing out her own bottle of Champagne, bringing out a little cake for her and leading us in a rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ even though, as it transpired all

lucy (left) and claire (right), members of the la tasca (centre) valloween alumni... 52

that may have been a touch previous, to supplying us with a constant stream of little heart-shaped helium balloons, which we were promptly undoing and inhaling to hilarious effect, especially when Wayne tried it and announced ‘this doesn’t work!’ in an unexpected falsetto. Highlights of the night include Dawn falling off her chair, the food, the company, the ambience and the general fabulousness of it all, and it looks like Valloween will become a regular fixture on the social calendar. Hurrah! When the bill arrived, including a handsome tip to the staff for putting up with us, the entire thing cost us £24 a head and was well, well worth it. I’ve rarely has such a great evening of hilarious conviviality, so there was nothing left to do but to head back over to the Dragon to carry on the party until, for me at least, midnight tolled and I retired injured, or rather knackered. Reports from the next day indicate the rest of the Valentine’s Humbug alumni gave it the big ‘un til the wee hours. A brilliant night then and all that’s left to say is - La Tasca - APPROVED, Valloween APPROVED! La Tasca, 38–40 High Street, Croydon, CR0 1YB, Tel: 020 8680 3388. www.latasca.co.uk

News-hound The news marches on. Marches, geddit? Oh, never mind...

e start this month’s round up with some excellent news. You may recall in February’s issue we ran a missing persons article regarding Ros Emerson who hadn’t been heard from for some time in Australia. Now we don’t normally run that kind of piece but both myself and Mystic Mike knew Ros when we all worked together a few years ago, so we put it in. Happily, we got word soon after going to print that she had been recorded as leaving Australia and was, and is, safe and well, so we thought it would be nice to let you know and say thanks, on behalf of Ros’ family and friends, for your messages, good wishes etc. Deep readers - what lovely people you all are. More happy news, and our most hearty congratulations go out across the pond to rock chic and erstwhile landlady of the Gun Tavern and Swan and Sugarloaf Karen Taylor, who married her American bf Joel in Las Vegas last week and is now Karen Henderson, bona fide yank and Vegas resident. That should’ve been in CroydonHello! really, but nevertheless - good work, girl! In former Deep/Wired cover star and telly news, just how good was Being Human? If you didn’t catch it then a) you properly missed out, but b) never

fear as all of the episodes are still available (at time of going to press) on the wonderful bbc i-player (www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer). Absolutely excellent television, and thanks to its well deserved critical and popular success, news reaches us that it has been recommissioned for a second eight-part series. Which means I get to stare at Aidan Turner some more. Hurrah for telly! Elsewhere David Morrissey and an ensemble cast including Sean Bean, Paddy Considine, Lesley Sharp and more join together this month in Red Riding, a trilogy of interlinking films from Channel 4 adapted from David Peace’s cult noir novels set in Yorkshire in the 70’s and 80’s. The three Red Riding films are semi-fictional retellings of the Yorkshire Ripper and Stefan Kiszko cases, look like the mutt’s nuts and kick off on Thursday March 5th at 9pm. It’s that time again, yep, it’s Bill Bailey news! This from the website at www.billbailey.co.uk: “Instead of braving the elements by performing at festivals this year, Bill has decided to move indoors where the acoustics are better and the Tibetan Hat stalls are less frequent. Coinciding with the 150th anniversary of the publication of Darwin's seminal work, 'On the Origin karen and joel marry in vegas

david morrissey in red riding 54

of Species', Bill will continue to provide the masses with his comedic take on the world, showing us all that he is really is one of a kind. “The Bill Bailey: Live tour will feature much new material as well as including parts of Tinselworm, performed at the Gielgud recently, which was in itself a significant development on from the arena shows.” Visit the website for the full tour details. Ta. And finally, a bit of festival news from Get Loaded In The Park, our favourite one day easy to get to and from festie of the year “ORBITAL have just been confirmed as this year’s Get Loaded headliners, taking over from where Iggy & The Stooges left off so amazingly in 2008. “The iconic electronic duo will be closing this infamous inner-city festival with a spectacular laser and visual show in the darkness on Bank Holiday Sunday 30th August - where they’ll be playing their only London festival appearance of 2009. “Over 30 live acts & djs are still to be announced across 4 Stages...” Tickets are now on sale from all the usual outlets, and for more info visit: www.getloadedinthepark.com. And that’s your lot, until next month, news hound is outta here...

In deference to the late great Tony Hart, and thanks to Deep readers’ creativity given a free day off, we proudly present The Tony Hart Snow Day Memorial Gallery. Insert music here...

brendan, 31, croydon: classical lines + pegs

john, 23, vicki, 23, steve, 32, natalie and chef, croydon: ‘dave the smoking snowman’

leo, 7 1/2, s. croydon: with igloo remains

ross, 31, east croydon: snow lizard (reclining)

wendy, 29 1/3, south croydon: snow angel (work in progress)

jim, 38, kenley: with kids ‘helping’ 56

nick, purley: smiley yet slightly sinister

amber, 6, ben, 1, and friends, east croydon: snowman with eyelashes

matt, 29, jacob, 5, oliver 2 1/2, crystal palace: lean

bronia, 24, & neil, 37, wallington: hurrah! nigel, 39, hampstead heath: avec critic

jasmin, 27, croydon: toasty the hoodie

grizzly, 33, merstham: rock!

alfie, 10, croydon: what the?!?

will, addiscombe: pie-eyed snowman

eric, croydon: aaaw, cute! 57

tommy, 26, london: donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t look in its eyes!

Or, all the non-man-made or stuff we donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know who made it or just things we couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t fit into the gallery... contributors: tony f, anna & nat, me, vicki, will, wendy

ooh, pretty: south croydon

walking home, snow-day eve

mexican wave - wahey!

oval-cicles

remarkably lifelike snow-will at the builders

10ft behemoth: lloyd park

the east croydon snow dinosaur

mr & mrs snowman, after the argument...

cake table 58

nature, south croydon: snow ghost

After the glorious success of last month, which in case you’ve forgotten centred round the theme of Lent, I thought I’d tread the same path this month and base the stars round one idea. So, without further ado, I give you Deep Magazine’s special 69th edition-themed star signs…oooh er… Aries

Mar 21-Apr 20

Taurus Apr 21-May 20 Now, being the star sign nearest the top of the page (if you discount Aries and in fact if they’re laid out proper like), and having read the theme for this month in the intro, which is also at the top of the page next to the picture of me, you will no doubt be expecting me to kick off these signs with a piece of prose packed with double entrendre, plain smut, or at the very least, something a little saucy. Of course you know that I never knowingly set out to disappoint you my avid fans, but on this occasion, I’ve spent so long beating around the bush I haven’t time to knock one off. Eh? Star sign of course, what did you think I meant? Gemini May 21-Jun 21 So in case you hadn’t realised, these star signs have a theme of the number sixtynine, which incidentally is naturally the third composite number in the thirteen aliquot tree. For those imbeciles out there who don’t know what an aliquot tree is, um, not that important right now because both factors of 69 are Gaussian primes which of course means that 69 is a Blum integer. Finally, because it has an odd number of 1’s in its binary representation, it’s often referred to as an “odious number.” Interesting. Cancer

Jun 22-Jul 22

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22 French lesson now kids. Remember the theme is the number 69, well that corresponds to the French department Rhône. This is of course named after the famous river that runs down the France, the Seine. I knew a Frenchman once, called Pascal. He used to kiss me on the cheeks. I wasn’t that bothered when he did it because he told me it was tradition. It was what he did with my baguette that bothered me. Virgo ? and the Mysterians.

Aug 23-Sep 22

After the spectacular failure of the first part of these themed star signs, which in case you’ve forgotten centred round the theme of the number 69, I thought I’d tread a completely different in this part and base the stars round Saints, given that it’s St David’s and St Patrick’s days this month. So, without further ado, here’s part two. Yawn. Libra Sep 23-Oct 22 What better place to kick off this altogether more interesting part of the star signs than with the very first day of the month – the 1st. Otherwise known as St David’s Day. The date commemorates the death of St David in the year 589, when to the best of my knowledge (I remember it as if it were yesterday), Welsh resistance to the Normans was at its peak. Yes, whenever you turned on the news they’d be another Norman invasion. First Hale, then Wisdom and finally the peak of the Norman triumvirate, Lamont. For all you younger readers, Norman Lamont had eyebrows that could lash a man at twenty paces. This is how he eventually killed St David, I think.

My favourite road, the M69, heading East towards Wolvey; look at it, lovely isn’t it? 60

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21 As all clever Leo’s know, the 15th March sees the celebration of “Holi”, in Nepal, which is just down that road by Oasis on the High Street. I would strongly advise going along to this because it’s a right laugh. “Holi” - otherwise known as “The Festival of Colours” - involves dressing in old clothes & throwing buckets of paint at each other. Honestly, religion does some weird stuff to peoples minds doesn’t it? Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21 Frank: St Patrick’s Day this month Hank. Hank: Yep, plastic Paddy’s out getting drunk on the black stuff. Frank: Oil? Hank: Guinness Frank. Frank: Please Hank, love one. Hank: I didn’t mean do you want one. Guinness is the black stuff. Frank: What’s a plastic Paddy Hank? Hank: Someone pretending to be Irish. Frank: I’m Irish. Hank: No Hank, you’re f*****g stupid. Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 Uranus was discovered on March 13th, in 1781. Insert your own joke here. Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19 Well, it’s March so that can only mean one thing. Girls Aloud have come on the TV (not literally unfortunately), so it’s time for the annual poll, but this time I’m adding a twist – The Sugababes – oooh! Nadine – Amelie – Cheryl – Keisha – Kimberly – Heidi – Nicola – Sarah. Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20 Unfortunately, due to the inclusion of two introductions this month, you lowly Pisceans miss out on astrological guidance. Tell you what, read some in your newspaper – they’ll be about as accurate as mine normally are but marginally less entertaining I assure you. Tata.