Deep-London May 2009 by angela ferrara

deep online at: www.deep-london.co.uk • www.issuu.com • facebook • www.myspace.com/wiredmag • @bonsai_editor Hello there... ...and welcome to issue 71, our ‘Croydon Bohemia’ vaguely themed oneidea-that-snowballed-into-many special. One idea, in fact, that culminated, via a footling social misunderstanding, in an exciting office ‘frank exchange of views’ around the question ‘Is Croydon Bohemia now dead?’ Well, come on boffins, is it? Opinion remains divided as to whether it all fizzled out in the late 90’s or is still bubbling away, as you’ll see throughout the mag. I remain optimistic that it’s still got got a pulse, even if it is a weak one (then again it’s my job to remain optimistic about Croydon. If I didn’t I’d have jacked this in a long time ago and found an easier way to make a living) and that there are still many people out there ploughing their own furrow (like us at Deep-Towers, for example). Maybe it depends on your definition of Bohemia - according to the OED it’s simply ‘a district frequented by unconventional people, esp. artists or writers’ (er, my flat then), but I reckon we can add musicians, film-makers, theatre-types and general avant-garde outside-the-box folk to that too, and they’re still around. So the question remains. Answers on a postcard, or you could have a read and see what you think. And of course we value your feedback (on that and the new layout) in a post-modern, not-ironic-at-all, caring-sharing kind of a way. We actually really do. Elsewhere it’s been another roller-coaster month in all possible ways (and, for one lovely day in Brighton, a Helter Skelter one). I’d get bored if everything were simple and straightforward, I think, but it’d be nice to try it for a month or so, just to see what it was like. I console myself with the fact that with all that’s going on I’m having some spectacularly weird but oddly entertaining dreams. Actually more entertaining than my waking life - April highlight: being shown an exciting new method for eating kebabs - although strangely not quite as weird. Whatever gets you through the night, as some bespectacled Liverpudlian once sang. But anyway, look, LOOK! New Editor picture! I did warn you one would be forthcoming. Except it’s not. Well, not the one I was alluding to last month at least. No, this is merely an interim snap, to go with the bohemian flow, that I was bet some cash I wouldn’t use (I win, ha!). You may be wondering why I’m bothering to tell you this but given how much I loathe having my picture taken, for obvious reasons, two new pictures in two months is a Big Deal. The actual new picture will appear next month. I can see you’re all beside yourselves with excitement... Right, that’s about it from me for this bit, except to say this - managing to get this kind of quality magazine out to you every month for FREE relies almost entirely on our advertisers, whom we love inappropriately, so, especially in this time of the banks and the government doing their damndest to make sure noone has a good time ever again (‘honestly, you don’t take an active interest in how your country is run for just forty years and all of a sudden...’ David Mitchell) please take note of the lovely people who support us and try as best you can to support them in turn. I thank you. That’s definitely it now - have a gloriously sunny May, beware sniffly pigs and we’ll see you in June which is, I’ve just realised, our 6th Birthday. Bloody hell. Assuming humanity is still here next month I’d better get my finger out and see what I can do, party-organising-wise (regular readers will of course know that this usually means ‘bugger all’, but I live in hope). Amusing paper plates and streamers, people, I need amusing bloody paper plates and streamers... Until slightly spurious and not definite in any way and probably won’t happen at all party time then, pip-pip, avanti and allons-y! Angela xx your bonsai editor 1

May 2009 Issue Seventy One Contact Us: editor: angela ferrara tel: 07910 506197 / 020 8680 3558 e: angela@deep-london.co.uk staff and contributors: mystic mike, auntie may, lazy-boy, geoff lyons, nick booth, mark brentano, roberto prestoni, adam whitehall, rick markee-hicks cover artwork: lines: razzo; colours: lupocattivo croydonhello! e-mail: hello@deep-london.co.uk advertising sales: call angela on 07910 506197 or e-mail angela@deep-london.co.uk publishing & design: deep-london web hosting: europahost, 94 southbridge road, south croydon, CR0 1AF, tel: 0845 644 1484. www.europahost.net random thanks: jean, tony, marie, jamie; nick, johnie, creepy, carey, dave, fergus, james

happy birthday: alan, karen, matt, ross, daniel, scott, jade, joanne, esther, justin, dzmitry, gavin, anna, nicole, jo, darren, david, adrian congratulations: ian and michelle r.i.p: J.G.Ballard, Lennie Bennett, Peter ‘Carry On’ Rogers, Clement Freud, L’Aquila / Abruzzo.

GET YOUR EVENT LISTED: e-mail: ANGELA@ DEEP-LONDON.CO.UK what’s on listings are absolutely free!

Last date for inclusion in June issue -

23 May 2009

MAY 2009 THIS MONTHS FEATURES:

Alley Cats

Croydon Arts Collective 8

14 36 24

22 44 27

Hail Hail Monday Night

Sound Of The Suburbs

The Ship of Old

The Dole and Croydon Bohemia

Zag and the Coloured Beads

Night People

Dumpy’s Rusty Nuts

CROYDONHELLO!

Murals with Morgasmic Jon Bishop Undercover Croydon Pub-Celebrity Love-Puffs

28 30 33 33 34

Breakfast Cat Theatre

The Agony

Access To Music

News Hound

Mordecai

Stars

LISTINGS: What’s On Guide 3

Behind this door on Katharine Street in the early 90s lurked a world of Dionysiac excess: booze, drugs, masseuses, fortune tellers, music â&#x20AC;&#x201C; and whitebait. Staid Croydon had never known such a Bohemian watering hole. In this Lost Croydon Pubs special, NICK BOOTH tells the story of the legendary Alley Cats/Rawnsleys. . .

nformation about Alley Cats is very anecdotal: there is virtually no official evidence for its existence. It is the only bar which is not in Croydon Local Studies Libraryâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s exhaustive list of licensed premises past and present. No press clippings, no opening date, no closing date. No nothing. . .

y first memory of it was when I was at Croydon College of Art, back in ’92. The look of the place was attractive to a bohemianminded student of painting: just the door and the enticing spiral staircase. What madness went on down there? Lots. Let me set the scene. Its easy to forget that in those days we’d had 12 years of a Tory government; nobody had heard of Tony Blair; skunk was ultra-rare not a career choice; mobile phones were virtually unknown; the internet was something extreme nerds did; not only could you smoke in pubs, you could sit at the bar and blow the stuff wherever you liked; vinyl records were still a big part of the record industry and CDs were novel (and people thought you could eat your dinner off them and they’d still work. How wrong did Tomorrow’s World get it?); cocaine was a rarity and drug enthusiasts still spoke of ‘zero-zero’, ‘redseal’ and ‘goldseal’, ‘celtic knots’ and ‘gold microdots’, as well as the long-lost social disease known as speed. Croydon itself was looking a bit jaded. The 60s architectural dream of a Le Corbusier-style space-age townscape for modern, enlightened people had badly sagged by start of the 90s. It had become a huge, bleak and depressing windswept shopping precinct for waddling proles bogged down in a

recession. Sound familiar? The atmosphere was ripe for rebellion. In those days Alley Cats was run by a guy called Alberto, whose current whereabouts is unknown and later when it became Rawnsley’s - John Rawnsley; it soon vied with the Ship as unofficial headquarters of all that was avant-garde and countercultural in the town. Adam Whitehall, at the time a student filmmaker and founder of the Croydon Arts Collective, says: “Alberto Alleycats and John Rawnsleys were

used it as the basis for the Siege of Corinth bar in my sadly unpublished juvenile novel, Death or Bongo. DJ and musician Tony Barrett has this to say of Alley Cats: “I did some incredibly questionable things in there! I seem to remember in passing that someone I know loved it so much there he was trying to finance a re-open as recently as last year - now that would have been a neat trick!” Another regular denizen, musician Joe Shepherd recalls: “It was the king of bars, the birthplace of cool and where

“The look of the place was attractive to a bohemian-minded art student, just a door and an enticing spiral staricase...” characters far apart but they both made this, in my mind, the most exclusive hang-out for bohemian drinking, plotting and rambunctious behaviour in all of Croydon history. “Half the nonsense we all got done and down to, during the 90s and early 21stC, wouldn’t have happened without the opportunities presented through that spiral staircase down to Al and John’s sub-basement of booze, DJing and merriment.” Indeed, it was strangely inspiring. I

Big Dave, AKA DJ BlueMovies, spun his first records - I remember it well. He’d been practicing all week on the one deck he had at home, (he still only has one deck) and went down to Rawnsleys with a bag of funk, hip hop and jazz. Turns out he was rather good, and he's now DJ'ing all over London and cutting quite a dashing figure with it. I remember the infamous spiral stairs. The stairs of death, excitement and promise. Death, because you were only a slip away from meeting the devil himself, excitement,

because that was very exciting, and promise because of the fit girls who’d wander down it into the hazey beery drunken cavern that was Rawnsleys." Jon Bishop’s (see Croydonhello! interview on page 32) band Shagnasty was the first ever to play Alley Cats. “It was packed,” the DJ recalls. “All our songs were about things like diarrhoea and we liked to throw whitebait at the audience and generally chuck them around – one of them got stuck on the wall and was there for years afterwards. It was that sort of place. My mate Chris Palmer had a kipper, I remember, and was flopping it across the faces of the audience; people were dancing on tables and having it. There were all sorts of things going on in that place. Different people, different DJs – Big Chris, Linton, Darren Truncheon, funk, hip-hop and different musical flavours, some real characters. It was a melting pot, let’s put it like that. Even after-hours sex shows for 25 quid on the door.” There was a lot of heavy boozing. “I remember one DJ,” says Bishop, “who fell asleep, mid-set, with his head on the decks! Nobody bothered him.” He continues: “Me and Adam Whitehall had been reading Tom Wolfe’s Mau Mau-ing the Flak-Catchers about artistic liggers in the USA and we thought we’d try something like that here. So we dreamed up the Croydon Arts Collective (CAC). We dreamed up Fuckfest – Alberto, the owner thought the name up, he loved the idea – and we stuck the posters everywhere. We’d put on parties down there which were insane: fortunetellers, masseuses, a crazy play was going on about breaking out of Croydon. It was called Let Them Eat Cack and involved someone pulling

chocolate cake out of the arse of their trousers and eating it – the audience thought it was shit.” Why did it go wrong? “Dunno; Alberto was a great guy and had a great policy on everything, but he liked to party – a lot.” Times change. Alley Cats became Rawnsleys in the mid-90s. The last time I drank in there was in about 1999 and its best days were obviously behind it. It must have closed its doors bang on the turn of the century. Youth changed too. What used to be a minority of genuine ‘alternatives’ in the town has changed as mainstream pop culture has widened and absorbed what used to be thought of as avantgarde attitudes in music and clothing. “The indy-kid thing now is standard,” declares Bishop. “It’s all become a generic Xfm thing, and it’s all shit. Croydon, social-wise, was always a

jumping off spot – drink to 11 down here and then go to London, to the Mud Club or the Wag Club or whatever. Now, it’s all laid on down here and it’s gone mainstream. The Black Sheep Bar, Tiger, Tiger, they’re all mainstream, commercial. There is no alternative. Back in the days of Alley Cats - and the Ship as well - you had all sorts of people involved and it was funny. These days it’s all just debauchery without standards! The Government wanted mindless binge-drinking - it’s good business for them.” So, here we are in 2009; everything has changed and nothing has changed: Croydon is still a happy shopper paradise mired in a recession that makes the last one, a generation ago, seem kindly. The Alley Cats/Rawnsley’s basement is in derelict darkness, nailed shut, awaiting demolition to be replaced with a vast shopping mall. Adam Whitehall has a suggestion for the planners: “Extend Queens Gardens, surround the Clocktower with parkland! They’d be a proper bit of ground, then, for rutting and rumbles - the bus stop kids would freak for the trees! And the green grassy knolls would be ace for soaking up the blood of the bodies that didn’t make it through the Primark credit crunch sales; it’d be like Richmond Park during the Blitz…” Last words go to Tony Barrett: “I suppose it’ll be either another McDonalds or another Starbucks by the end of 2012 - just what we f*cking need, another spacious, plush, empty vacuum of an aircraft hangar-sized shopping centre like Centrale, where you have to duck the oncoming tumbleweed every time you walk straight in and straight out again.” Sad. Any takers for another shot at a revolution?

A Load of C.A.C. ADAM WHITEHALL recalls how the Croydon Arts Collective took on Croydon Council and won, for a while...

f you are from Croydon, and you leave or you stay, you will live your whole life with that glowing nugget of love and hate for the place in your gut and soul. Almost everyone I have ever met from Croydon has it. Every passing decade the town throws up unique individuals, boys and girls with sparks wanting to blaze and itches that need scratching, who go forth into the town, singularly or as a group, and have a bash with monkeying with the equilibrium; often following no political or cultural manifesto other than fulfilling a need to do something different, anything different. C.A.C. (Croydon Arts Collective) was one group of these characters and existed as an organisation for little more than a year and a half from 1993-1995. Between six and ten of us made its main core of activists and organisers. Others took part and helped out as and when. During that time we all worked together on three ‘happenings’, various ‘street theatre’, one all-day festival and we took part in Croydon’s annual carnival. Our main base for meetings was upstairs from Alleycats Bar in a defunct café. Croydon doesn’t love us. It really doesn’t, does it? With it’s ham-fisted attempts over the years to receive city status through shopping opportunities alone, Croydon has never seemed to want its citizens to make art, or to encourage them to actively pursue experiments and experiences for themselves just for the sake of it; to be spontaneous, in the moment – that sort of thing. Maybe if it was easy, we’d get complacent – like Brighton. Either way the spaces for those platforms have been few and far between ever since the town was a valley of crocuses and a shop called Turtles. Croydon doesn’t love us, but perversely we love it. Croydon spaces are traditional and functionary, its architecture dispiriting, its disposition ugly. It’s an A to B town, shop to shop, home to office to pub and round again. It can be dull and cruel, but in the main its just vaguely incredulous that anyone growing up in its shadow would desire any more than what’s on offer. Croydon

has had little need for our passion, our imaginations, or our ideas. And perhaps the saddest thing is it’s nothing personal. There’s no conspiracy - it’s just Croydon. But the good thing with wastelands: wild flowers still grow there too, and I think that’s why we love it – it’s easier to see each other, navigate the crap and gravitate. Certainly, we're an eccentric bunch of fuckers, but none of us are fashion or zeitgeist - CAC and Alleycats in their day certainly weren't - perhaps that’s the

the eyes and drugs and Bohemian culture are nothing if not about the E Y E S ! Croydon's always been for Bohemians happier with a jar and a view of the door for when the arseholes kick off. CAC did have their underground bar in the 90s to hang and plot in, I guess, and a derelict 60s cafe with the cappuccino hand print stains on the ceiling. And we had our own community support in Alleycats owner Alberto, a cheery Italian wide-boy geezer who

“The council gave us 3 grand for the Ooga Booga Festival pretty easy, and it was brilliant to send press-releases of sheer nonsense to the Advertiser who'd print anything...” unique-factor with us Croydon 'Art-lot': Croydon itself tempers pretensions and flamboyancy; keeps us base and on the level through cynicism. Also - Where the BoHo drugs, man? My psychedelic adventures have been few and far between, my friend. Me & Rob's Motherbox DJ and smoke nights needed drugs sooo badly, but ya can't drop acid or mushrooms in todays Croydon! Croydon doesn't look you in

respected what we represented enough to let us trash his establishment with stupidness, mess and noise. Alberto helped front FuckFest '93 - a festival in the old Stairway, I believe; Jon Bishop might have mentioned it. And after Alleycats became Rawnsleys we kinda got a late 90s version of Al in John Rawnsley who carried on letting us put on DJ nights, bands, etc - good times, but nothing as colourful and unhinged

'Young man with a horn': Adam Whitehall plays trumpet.

as the four CAC events in Alleycats. The council gave us three grand for the Ooga Booga Festival pretty easy, and it was brilliant to send press-releases of sheer nonsense to the Advertiser who'd print anything, like we said a team of international martial arts experts were going to perform at the fest called OoooAhNoomKimMazza. But then why shouldn't that have been true!? It was innocent times back then. Who'd have thought you could say that about the mid-90s! Our first act was outside the Drummond Centre. Six of us dressed as escapologists all in sacks and chains rolling around the pavement for ages and ages while the rest of us handed out paper slips saying 'The Great Croydini Can't Escape... Can You?' Everyone got the joke. Raised a smile. We also video-interviewed kids amongst the 60 strong gang who'd hang out in Queens Gardens at nights because they had no place else. Huge crowd of kids good bunch too; very little police presence then. Bishop dared a girl to walk through the fountain on camera. He pegged it before she asked for the £10. CAC wasn't affiliated to any group or movement from the hip past - we were out for 'pure fun', pure and simple, but we just conceptualised it along the way here and there for our own entertainment. We didn't aspire to being Beats, or Poets, or Activists. I think to an extent we were inspired into action by the Poll Tax riots which a lot of us had experienced and been very affected by; and the general feeling that the last decade of the 20th Century was shaping up rubbish. We were united in a displeasure at the commercial push and cultural blindness of the local council, and the general conservative blandness of everything. This was before the Clocktower, which pissed it up the wall in the end, and the Black Sheep. There was nothing going on. We were lucky to be old enough to drink in pubs like Alleycats and the Ship. Interestingly, none of CAC knew each other from art college, or any college - we're weren't students or childhood friends; it was more random than that - less affected; just friends of friends, or folks who'd bumped into each other down the crowded pub. Most of us didn't even hang out outside the Collective happenings and meetings. Me and Bishop, Hayze and Toby had all read the counterculture stuff about San Francisco and Paris, the Panthers, Guy Debord, Situationalists, Emmett Grogan and the San Francisco Diggers and Free-Frame of Reference. We dug Julian Cope, Dada, Sly Stone, Jesus Christ Superstar, Fellini, Heimat and we were still learning about it all and more. But all the CAC Happenings never came about

Young anarchist with tufty hair: Jon Bishop

Hail Hail Monday Night In this piece from fifteen years ago, ADAM WHITEHALL, arts guerilla and cinema projectionist, describes a Monday night Croydon Arts Collective meeting and an eyewitness account of a Monday night skank at Alley Cats. About eight of us were there in the abandoned café above Alleycats basement bar. Nine till late, we had us a meeting of The Croydon Arts Collective, or C.A.C (we love that acronym), to determine the proceedings of our next event. Only three deranged events to our name, and bizarrely we had been given council grant money to the tune of three grand and the Arnhem Gallery wing of the Fairfield Halls in which to stage twelve hours of C.A.C fuelled good time craziness. This translated in our language as your basic soup of dance, mindfuckery, vowel revitalize, film jams, spoon sacks, tiny dog acoustic, beaty-box, chocolate dough crusafix-sation, funky, spunky, truthster all-timer show don’t stop. Which in turn translated as a day long festival of local bands, performers, and artists running riot in the most conservative of entertainment emporiums. Our C.A.C. events: anti with the bullshit and puckered with the much hope. Accidently on purpose we’d become the New Pornographers of Croydon town, the new Dada gods of local entertainments, or something. Even if the future wasn’t to be ours, then at least we could make a decent mess o’ porridge of the present. Meeting adjourned everyone goes home, except me. In cigarette & fall over beer in my mitt mode I join good friend Graeme ‘Pavarotti’ Smith and the six or seven punters left downstairs in the bar, bopping the doofus soul stomp to the DJ sounds of Big Chris (6 ft plus of black dude in ‘Fuckfest 93’ tshirt, electing the vinyl mix on the wheels of steel as only he can get away with). Then suddenly a lock-in, but more precious beer, regretfully now, unpurchasable. Markus the barman sweeps between our feet leaping to everything Big Chris plays. ‘London Calling’, Costello's ‘Pump It Up’, Otis’s original of ‘Too Hot To Handle’, The Vapours ‘Turning Japanese’, and (dare to admit), ‘Bye Bye Miss American Pie’ - all good. We’re dancing hard and fast. The skunk-haired sassy lass dances all provok to her fella in the 2-tone top. She embarrasses the rest of us; we turn away; she wants us to think thoughts, when we just want to dance. Way gone chucking out time, Chris booms for the 3rd time, "This will be the last record of the night" - ‘Bank Robber’ by the Clash. Under the main lights we skank like electrified maniacs. Chris shows me & Graeme two singles to choose the next final track. We point & grin our choice. "This will definitely be the last record of the night" - ‘Yeah Yeah’ by Georgie Fame. There are four or five of us not stopping, screaming out the chorus. I do another three on the spot spins on the cement floor; practising my soul dance moves. We’re sharp and focussed. We got the room so take up all that stone space; the whole club to ourselves - turn and duck and dive. Dance, dance, dance, and then that’s our lot, so it’s smiles and waves goodbye, cheers and see ya later, alligators. Finally outside in the mid-March Croydon night streets. Graeme & I chat awhile at the bus stop. Then I head west, down the high street to my new flat puffing on a Camel. Christ, this was just a Monday night! A glorious Monday night, God damn it, and I'm burning. Hail, Hail Monday Night - Monday Nights Reign Supreme!

Wig-out: Alley Cats rocks to a CAC groove-out.

“Most of the C.A.C. kids didn’t even fit together we were mixed in styles but all men true and good who’d worked the linens department in Allders...” through us intellectualising about that stuff; we never talked about it all, and it didn't inform what we did - at least not directly. So who were CAC? Most of the CAC kids didn't even fit together - we were pretty mixed in styles; none of us dressed similar, or liked the same stuff, really. We were the town freaks, but not; normal with it; bored kids, dressing normal, jeans, sweatshirts, but freaky at play; up for a dress up if we had the chance. If memory serves we were: A beatnik kid in specs with a notebook and a video camera, Jon Bishop as half Clockwork Orange Alex/half whatever Jon Bishop actually is, Hayze as Frank Zappa's favourite impressionist; two lovely grafter lads - one thin and tall, one short ‘n’ fat; three young black chicks - all cool - one ended up me wife; a black-eyed redhaired witch who seemed to be made of air; Asian lass Pimmi as events promoter Don Pimlioni; Debbie & Mike - a brother and sister team very good at street theatre; other players: librarian turned poet (never happened before) Dan the Poet; Mickey and his Jane Fonda's Exorcism Workout, Graeme as the backend of a horse, Janis Joplin as the ladybug; and all men true and good who'd worked the linens department of Allders. Weird bloody bunch. More DC super-heroes or puny / daft

English Parliament / Funkadelic, so I guess pretty San Fran Boho in a grey town low rent way, now that you mention it. Full videos of all on dinky tapes in a flat near me that will eventually make it to a screen for all to see. We were into good-time anarchy, I guess, up for monkeying, as I put in the article, with the equilibrium of the dull masses. But I think we were against branding ourselves with any known labels. That felt like analysing things too much. We got ourselves invited to the Croydon Carnival by the council - our crowning achievement in many ways. We daubed our banner with CAC and other names and slogans and cartoons. Bishop came up with KASM (Kroydon

Anarchist Separatist Movement). Croydon was always Kroydon to us, and that's lasted throughout the last twenty years! In 93-95 I was more romantic in my linguistic conceptions: 'Zen Mods', and so on; and my Clocktower gigs were called 'The Hip Prisoners of Kroydon Football Club presents' ('HipP.O.K.f.c.' i.e. a daft convoluted version of 'hypocrisy' borrowed from the Disposable Heroes of HipHoprisy'). We walked this silly shallow carnival mostly for businesses advertising themselves, whilst we busied ourselves playing football with the Hari Krishna's and local cub scouts. I made the chief of police shake the hand of a tiny policeman figurine. We shouted CAC and Kroydon Anarchist Separatist slogans at the mayor and his wife as if we were embittered dangerous fundamentalist, and not eight early twenty-year-olds in fancy dress brought from Turtles. I wore an orange fur cape and brown suit. Graeme and Pimmi were a pantomime horse, someone else had a huge papier maché head. We played 'Kommen In Ein WigWam' by Heino, Germany’s easy-listening guru, on a portable stereo, on repeat. It rained. A lot. Amazing day. Can't do that these days! At least you can't infiltrate and take part and subvert from the inside out nowadays. Everything is permitted. It's all about Reality now. We also did a magazine. Only one issue. I'm going try find a copy for you. Called 'These Our CAC Times'. And that was the truth: the times were crap but they were still our crap times; we owned them, we took ownership of them, danced about in them, pulled stupid faces. I think we left a fair sized dent in the lost counterculture history of the town as well, at least in the memories of those who took part. Although there'll be no essay by Jon Savage I'm sure.

youth, who gauge style by summed up by an online ‘Diary of a ohn Peel got it right. Any culture expenditure. Oxfam shops Suburban Punk Rocker’: wars won by punk rock, said the ‘May 13th. Sent off for Sex Pistols T have never had it so good as amiable Scouser, were won in the Shirt. – The naked 13 year old boy with they did in 1977. I would suburbs. When punk exploded, the a stiffy and fag. Not exactly rock n roll regularly venture out in great epicentre might have been the middle but it will annoy [sic].’ baggy granddad shirts with of London, but the shock waves had Annoyance was part of the package. ‘We’re the flowers in your most effect out where the tube lines On Jubilee Day 1977, me and my kilted dustbin’ stencilled across the don’t run. Three years after The Sex mates avoided the street parties and sat front, and huge second-hand Pistols played the 100 Club, most of in my room playing The Pistols’ God suits with ten or fifteen badges the handful of people present would Save the Queen out the window down the lapels. Cheap mailbe dressing in tea-towels and through my crappy little speakers. We’d order PVC trousers were big, mascara and standing like shophad our punk epiphany. Mine had come DMs, home-sewn bondage window mannequins at Spandau at my own suburban music Mecca, trousers and kilts. I went to see Ballet gigs. Ultravox wearing a nylon The biggest bomb-crater left by the Croydon’s Greyhound. Here it was – with my long hair and Jethro Tull jeans protective coat I used for a punk wars was financial. Before patch – that I saw The Stranglers, the weekend job cleaning planes at punk, you could start a band any Gatwick Airport. Everyone I time you wanted, provided you had only band I’ve ever seen that I could also smell. They were dark and passed got a static shock. about twenty thousand quid. After incredible, even if I did believe for some Suburban music took longer to punk, you went to Woolworth’s time that their bassist was called Jeangrow, but it outlasted its London and bought a guitar and amp for Jacket Borneo. origins. Watching a band called about twenty notes and your Bands I saw at the Greyhound include Easycure in a back garden in drummer played on Tupperware Crawley in 1977, I rated them. boxes full of rice. Then your mates Buzzcocks, The Jam, The Slits, Ultravox [the good Ultravox, with John borrowed your ‘gear’ and it was Foxx] and The Vibrators. At a all round to their bedrooms to Magazine gig, I stood at the bar play the songs of The Adverts. with Siouxsie Sioux on one side My home town, Caterham, of me and Billy Idol on the had only one real punk legend. Dee Generate played drums with other, treading on Idol’s blue suede shoes for good measure. Eater, who had an EP called Get Yer Yo-Yos Out. He was 15 and, Other bands that, to my shame and regret, I didn’t see at the when the anti-punk backlash Greyhound include The Ramones started – and Johnny Rotten (The Ramones played Croydon!), was razored in a car park – Mr Blondie and Talking Heads. After and Mrs Generate had a brick heaved through their window a an Adverts gig at the ‘Hound, my mate found two halves of a few streets from me. We saw leather jacket in the road outside. Dee Generate and the VD He took it home and joined the Scabs at Chaldon Village Hall two halves with safety pins (what in 1977. Goodness Records – were shares worth in that industry our musical haunt in in 1977?). Functional and Caterham Valley – put out decorative. singles by Slimy Toad and The idea of punk fashion would Johnny Moped, and the be unrecognisable to today’s summer of 1977 is best 14

Watching them a year later in Merstham Village Hall – premiering a song called Killing An Arab and now called The Cure - you could still see big things ahead. But it took time. Crawley - one of the original 1960s New Towns - also had its sports centre. By 1978, The Stranglers were moving up the league and, when they played the sports centre, my soon-to-be girlfriend leapt on stage and snogged the bassist, whose name I now knew to be JeanJacques Burnel. I played at Crawley Sports Centre myself in ’79, with my band The Escalators. We won a competition to support The Clash, and my abiding memory is playing table tennis with Paul Simonon while my mum talked to Joe Strummer. There was some doubt by then, though, as to whether The Clash and The Stranglers were punk enough; there were never any such doubts concerning The Damned. The Damned have a well-documented Croydon connection, with Captain Sensible being a local lad. When Sensible moved to guitar, their new bassist divided his time between thwacking the strings for The Damned and looking for me to beat me up for an ill-advised dalliance with his girlfriend. The Damned borrowed a couple of amps from my band once and, with gobbing still being de rigeur, they came back looking like glazed doughnuts. Music fads come and go, but it’s the differences rather than the similarities that mark out punk and post-punk. It was comparatively difficult to get the music, for a start, which is why I had to ride a dangerous and uninsured Yamaha RD200 from Caterham to Croydon in torrential rain in order to buy Joy Division’s Transmission on the day of its release. Punk’s legacy is debatable. Every talentless Brit artist out of St Martin’s School of Art claims to have been influenced by punk, but that’s just because none of them can paint. The real legacy, after all the coloured vinyl and Patti Smith T-shirts have been lost, is that, for a couple of years, we had some music that was ours. Mark Brentano pix: previous page, brentano, easy cure flier, this page top left down, the cure, stranglers, jam, ramones, top right down, dee generate, his mun, the damned, the slits 16

Ship Of Fools A journey through time with Johnny Argument to the Ship of old...

he first time I hit the Ship I was a teenager and – anticipating today’s musical arrangements – a band was playing in the window bay. It wasn’t a very good band but its personnel seemed to be putting a lot into it. After a while I noticed that a lot of the men around me – a mixture of the bovine-looking or rat-like – were sporting, in fairly discreet ways, regalia of Hitler’s Third Reich. Having had a lifelong antipathy to German National Socialism I made myself scarce, but not

like charred eels on a fishwife’s broiler plus the obligatory dog-on-a-string – they were being individuals. You can’t blame them, every youth cult thinks the same. It wasn’t just Crusties in those days. Every freak, artist, druggy, loon and misfit in Croydon headed through those doors in those distant days (for a rundown of different cultural landscape of those times, see Nick Booth’s feature about Alley Cats on page 4 – Ed.). This is possibly overstating the case,

“The haircuts, the clothes the plots and the plans, all were redolent of the mad optimism of youth and the talent for lunacy that English youth, in particular, have...” before being subjected to a fierce glare from a tubby little man wearing a Waffen SS badge on his replica Luftwaffe shirt. I didn’t go back for a few years. When I did I found that all the Nazis had disappeared and a new sort of denizen had appeared – the Crusty. Oh, they made me laugh! With a few well-known exceptions, they were a harmless enough crowd (except for when the snakebite flowed too freely), most of whom harboured a strange delusion that by all dressing the same – in rags, with dreadlocks hanging from their bonces

but perhaps you could say of the Ship back in those days that it was epitome of the English counterculture public house (something that began to appear in most large towns from the late 50s onwards) and contained most things essential to that kind of place: first, it was an old pub with young customers (first ale drawn at the Ship in AD 1640), second it had a fairly liberal management; third, it had a first-class juke box, which, if you were in the know, could be programmed to play 90odd selections for free; fourth: it offered a mix of the radical and the

conservative, by which I mean you could drink a pint of real ale made from juniper berries and buy a ticket for the weekly meat raffle all while tripping off your skull on whichever substance you had decided to imbibe that day. Ah, yes: drugs. It was, in those days, the kind of place where you could rock up and score practically anything you desired. If you couldn’t get it, then someone could put you in touch with someone who could. Many were the hollow-eyed narcotic peddlers who

The Dole Was Good For Croydon Bohemia by Johnny Argument. There’s nothing like the dole for bringing on one’s artistic talent. Most artists/musicians/actors/activists have been chronically unemployed at one time or another. I know I have. Spells on the dole got you thinking in a way you didn’t when you were on the mousewheel of a low-paying job. The Thatcher government engineered for unemployment as an antidote to inflation; this callous political act had the unexpected consequence of creating an entire class of people who got on with its musical/artistic/literary/political ambitions in a way that wage slavery would never allow. It was piss easy to sign on under the Tory government of 1979-97, and while I don’t want to appear flippant – unemployment being a nightmare for people with families to support etc – for the young person who knew how to use it, it became an unofficial arts council – a hell of a lot cheaper and more effective than the official Arts Council, that’s for sure. Who knows, this latest economic downturn may provoke a flowering of the spirit of artistic rebellion against the dead hand of commercialism. Let’s hope so.

would pop up at one’s elbow offering the standard mind-expanding medicine bag of those days. However, it had a certain charm, unlike today’s Charliemoody urban landscape. The whole drug scene then owed more to the spirit of DeQuincey’s Confessions of an English Opium Eater than to Amy Winehouse. By which I mean a spirit of enquiry and a desire for the sublime. It was surprisingly easy to bump into people wearing pink Lennon specs murmuring things such as ‘man, I’m kissing the tits of reality today’ – even on a Wednesday

the buildings. Indeed, in those days my friends and I referred to the Ship as Interzone, after William Burroughs’ hallucinatory version of Tangiers in The Naked Lunch. There should be a roll call of names now, luminous revellers from the Ship’s hey-day, but not having had the time to get their permission I will err on the side of discretion but merely propose that a subscription be set up to build a statue in honour of The Unknown Hedonist. The haircuts, the clothes, the plots and the plans, all were redolent of the

“Every freak, artist, druggy, loon and misfit in Croydon headed through the Ship’s doors in those distant days...” afternoon! There are so many anecdotes in circulation about mong-outs, freakouts and extended highs that I wouldn’t know where to start. Perhaps one image will suffice: A friend of mine, having scored some unexpectedly powerful LSD in the Ship, sitting cross-legged on the pavement in Katherine Street laughing as I had never seen him laugh before nor since. Two coppers walked past, smiling. I can still hear that laughter, ringing off

mad optimism of youth and the talent for lunacy that English youth, in particular, have. As that icon of 60s hard-living Anita Pallenberg once observed: ‘The English young are different from anyone else. They need watching.’ As in all pubs, unpleasant things occasionally happened, but then as Nietzsche noted, without cruelty there is no festivity. Sights were to be seen:

fights, table dancing, vomit fountains, pierced private parts, old drunks pissing themselves and hauled out flat on their backs by game barmaids (honourable mentions to Dawn James, Elizabeth Hibberd, Kellie Gooderson, Viv Newman), flying barstools, bare breasts, frozen-eyed junkies, slam-dancing cokefreaks, trannies, wannabes and pinball wizards. A fond and representative memory was one Friday afternoon a Ship regular, who had lately burgled a doctor’s surgery for blank prescriptions, entertaining the pub by reading out medical notes of embarrassing illnesses: ‘I arranged Mr So-and-so’s hemorrhoids in the three o’clock position.’ ‘Mr Soand-so’s penis is very inflamed. He says he stuck it through a knothole in the wall of his shed.’ Like all good pubs, back then it had a collegiate atmosphere: part rackety youth club, part Shakespearian tavern. At its best it demonstrated the truth in one of the Bard’s greatest lines: ‘All the world’s a stage and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances.’

What do you get when you cross Frank Zappa with Riddlesdown? NICK BOOTH found out when he talked to Mik Tubb about the crazy history of. . .

f magazines can have soundtracks (they can’t, but stay with me) then this month’s Bohemia special’s soundtrack would be a selection of Zag and Coloured Beads’ (ZATCB) wonderfully loopy numbers; they have just that mix of wonder, energy, farrago, jumble, beauty, piffle and omnium gatherum (in its dictionary definition and not to be confused with the Scandinavian death metal band of the same name) that best describes the submerged history of the Croydon avant-garde. If you doubt this, check out Agamenon Sporran or Dog Eared Moonlight at their myspace site. And, mark you, this is no old mate of theirs doing a little log-rolling on their behalf – I have only just discovered them. Here’s the history, pasted directly from wiki: ‘Zag And The Coloured Beads was formed in Croydon and began playing live in 1982 (although demo tapes had been recorded as far back as 1979). The band initially featured frontman Zag (real name Ian Faichne), who departed in 1983. The most familiar lineup was Steve Arthur (vocals and guitars), Michael "Mik" Tubb (guitar, bass, synthesizer, vocals), Paul Howard (bass, guitar, vocals), Robert White (bass, keyboards, vocals), and Tom Rosenbloom (drums). The instrumentation was flexible, with plenty of instrument-swapping both live and on record. The band occasionally also played under pseudonyms such as Ming And The Fods.’ So, that’s the history; and here, as Norman Mailer would say, are its nuances. I spoke to Zag member Mik Tubb about the band and what it was like trying to do art rock in Croydon twenty-five years ago. “We had all these influences: Zappa, Beefheart, pastoral folk. Television, a huge amount of stuff. There wasn’t really many places to play back at the start of the 80s, other than The Cartoon and really horrible little church halls and a park in Thornton Heath. I remember playing in a shop front in West Croydon and gigs in Camberwell. We used to play the Warehouse Theatre, which seemed a bit more leftfield in those days. They used to have bands on every month and I can remember seeing Pericles there. We played the Vine Cross Festival, the Star in West Croydon. We played the Stonehenge Festival in ’84. It was before people all went off to university and we all ended up in squats and bedsits in West Norwood. Big derelict houses, glue-sniffing sessions. We were ‘explorative’, writing songs and playing together. “There seemed a lot more ‘weirdos’

‘We liked Beefheart, old jazz and Trumpton music…’: The Beads, clockwise from top centre, Mik Tubb, Steve Arthur, Tom Rosenbloom, Bob White, and Paul Howard around then. Like the guy we used to see walking around with silver paper on his head and this other poor guy who used to walk two steps forward and three steps back! We took a lot of stuff out of that, somehow. JG Ballard was an influence as well, that urban environment, Concrete Island thing. Immanence. “Did we want success? Yes, we would

mad place in those days, as this author can attest – “it was going well and we decided to play ‘Urinal’, this fauxorchestral spoof. It was supposed to be the crest of the wave, but we lost the audience completely. You’ve got to entertain and, like a complete dickhead, I suppose I made the wrong assumption.” “Am I nostalgic for those times? I always

“Everyone was taking lots of speed and listening to Slayer. We painted ‘Bonnie Langford Langford’ on the road...’ have taken someone’s arm off, but were probably too diffident to force the issue, hassle for paying gigs etc. We did give a tape to John Peel; we waited in a car outside Bush House to give it to him, I remember. “We started organising and playing at big parties in the mid-80s. Broke into a huge garage and put one on in there in about ’85. Everyone was taking lots of speed and listening to Slayer. We painted our house in psychedelic colours and daubed ‘Bonnie Langford Langford’ in the road. Leslie “Lesmeriser” Ricketts (legendary postman, DJ and medium) was there.” Having recorded two ‘portastudio’ albums – Loaf of Legs and Sawtooth Gripmaster – Zag and the Coloured Beads stopped playing in 1990, before reforming in 2006. “The end in 1990 was typical us, really, the perversity of it,” says Mik. “We were playing to a great audience of about 200 people in the Robey in Seven Sisters’ Road,” – a 23

want to look forward, but I suppose I am. There was a huge amount of fun. Not exactly political but a great sense of countercultural bloody-mindedness, which we seem to have lost. It seems very fragmented now, where in those days there was far more of a community feeling, a natural and spontaneous ‘collectivity’. Maybe it was because we were that much closer to the second world war, collective age memory, I don’t know. “I think Croydon Bohemia is still there, faintly. Stuff going on under the radar. Mainstream culture seems to be reaching less and less people. The good side is that there are so many places now to rehearse and to play. I hope we see a resurgence in common understanding. We probably lost our sense of community because we’re a bunch of f*ck-ups! My motivation was to live existentially, but it’s f*cking knackering!” www.myspace.com/ zagandthecolouredbeads

ike the little green power-cell in the Tardis that ensured Dr Who’s safe return from a parallel universe, so there’s a little glowing remnant of Bohemia to be found still lurking quietly in central Croydon in the parallel universe that is Loop. I say parallel as it struck me, about an hour into the entertainment that was ‘Night People’, local funkmeisters Size Nine’s first foray into putting on their own night, that Loop, when there’s a crazy jam session occurring in one corner, loads of people frugging like madmen in the middle and full on pool-hall action in the background, reminded me very much of a club I was in in New York in a different lifetime, or, the TIME BEFORE SMOKING BANS (Don’t get me started). That club was so dense with the fug of smoke that the night could’ve dropped straight out of a film-noir. This one, ostensibly healthier to the lungs, if not the liver, was no less atmospheric, and a hell of a lot friendlier, and also funkier. Yep, as we mentioned last month, ‘London’s number one buttshaking latin funk soul ska orchestra’ (DJ Healer Selecta), Size Nine launched their Loop night at the end of April. The very end of April as it goes, and the day before pay-day for many, but such was the promise of what was to come that the club was busier than, certainly I, expected - I really should’ve known better. So what’s so Bohemian then, I hear you ask? Well, odd Frenchman Franck Alba, for a start, who began the opening set of the night on his tod playing some, as promised, nutty French acoustic ambient weirdness and who finished it with a full on ambient, weird yet rather magnificent jam session involving bits of Size Nine, bits of tonight’s other act, Something Simple, and, I believe, a random bit of the crowd.

As predicted last month by S9 pianist Joe, the atmosphere was indeed more one of a basement party in Paris with wicked bands than an average night in Croydon, and North London outfit Something Simple continued the vibe with a stormingly funky set followed in an equally great vein by DJ Blue Movies on the decks. As a club Loop was good, but now they’re pushing the live music (and, I gather removing the VIP area to make a proper stage in the future) it’s starting to shape up as an exciting live music venue. Last up on the night were Size Nine themselves, doing what they do very, very well, ramping the funk up to 11 and getting everyone dancing like loons, which I considered joining in with but I’d had a bottle and a half of wine by this stage (£6 a bottle, quite reasonable I thought) and was well and truly engaged in the usual ‘Me versus Joe‘s ongoing drunkenness seesaw’ (I don’t have to explain that again do I?), and thus refrained. As it was the first night, a couple of things didn’t come off as planned - I didn’t see any pole dancers for example, but the invitation is still there for local artists, cabaret and burlesque acts and all sorts to get involved and use the night as a platform for creativity, and if that aint a Boho concept I’m not entirely sure what is. In a parallel universe somewhere (where you can still smoke) every night is like this, and if ‘bohemia’ is more of a state of mind then who says it’s dead in Croydon? Not me, not Loop and certainly not Size Nine... Next ‘NIght People’ at the end of May. Get the latest Size Nine news at their rather spiffy new website: www.sizenine.net. Loop are looking for live music promoters - visit the bar for details .

The Nuts! A blast from the past as Dumpy’s Rusty Nuts return to Croydon...

or those of you out there who may be too young to have heard of them (I remember laughing like a drain when I first saw their poster outside the Underground Club), or who weren’t privy to one of their many, many gigs at the much missed Croydon Cartoon in West Croydon, the legends that are Dumpy's Rusty Nuts first appeared on the London Rock scene in 1981. After a short time they released their first single "Just for Kicks" which went into the Heavy Metal charts and was soon followed by their second single, the now legendary Bikers Anthem "Boxhill or Bust“. The success of the singles along with a UK tour with the Blues Band fronted by ex-Manfred Mann singer Paul Jones saw that the band’s future was secure and DRN then started to tour around the UK playing all the rock clubs If THAT avant-garde facial hair isn’t enough to grab your attention then I don’t know what is...

including the now defunct London Marquee Club (they hold the all time record for appearances at this legendary venue). Since 1981 DRN have played the Reading Rock Festival (twice), appeared on national television and radio and supported and toured with many major bands such as Motorhead, Hawkwind and the mighty Quo. They’ve played at the Isle of Man TT loads of times and at a plethora of biker rallies, as you’d expect, including the Derbyshire Rock'n'Blues and were, as mentioned, regulars at The Cartoon in West Croydon for many years some of us may remember the crazed biker chick who tried to ride her Triumph through the front doors only to find out they opened the other way! DRN's roots lie mainly in the Heavy Rock/ Blues music of the late sixties and seventies, taking influences from Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix through to Pink Floyd, Dr Feelgood and Motorhead. This, coupled with Martin Connely’s very strong bass guitar and the flamboyant drumming of Andy Smith along with Dumpy’s soloing skills, use of guitar effects and synth pedals make for a hugely entertaining combination At this moment in time when the UK seems to be overrun with unoriginal tribute bands, talentless boy bands and tuneless bimbos, Dumpy’s Rusty Nuts are still very 26

much a force to be reckoned with - a band for the future hailing from the past, mixing an endless experience of touring with an in-depth passion for hard edged blues/boogie.

Readers familiar with Dumpys’ Cartoon gigs may recall the crazed biker chick who tried to ride her Triumph through the front doors only to find they opened the other way After many personnel changes over the band’s 20 year history the present lineup of Dumpy, Andy and Martin has been stable since 1995 and has proved to be one of the most powerful rock and blues outfits in the UK. As well as DRN, in the last couple of years Dumpy has been developing a solo project, SpaceNutz (what is it with nuts?) with which he has supported Hawkwind, and performing solo Acoustic sets to much critical acclaim. More recently he has been found guesting with Hawkwind on their recent tour. This May 22nd sees them stomp their way through their legendary set at one of Croydon's most popular venues hosted by Frantic Promotions at The Brief, 48 George Street, Croydon. Doors are at 8pm and support on the night is from the awesome rockers Sons Of Merrick. Entry is £8 but we can assure you it will be one of those gigs that’ll be talked about for a very long time! DUMPYS RUSTY NUTS FRIDAY MAY 22nd THE BRIEF, 48 GEORGE STREET DOORS 8PM, ENTRY £8 (OR £7 WITH A FLYER)

MORGASMIC!

JOHNNY ARGUMENT IS WOWED BY THE NEW MURAL AT THE BLACK SHEEP BAR

rue to the fashion of nightclubs of the 19th and early 20th century, the Black Sheep Bar has commissioned a hand-painted mural from Morgasmic, a young Croydon artist. The striking and exhilarating design is a sublime composition: like a sort of hypnagogic supernova all mixed up with Francis Bacon and the brain scans of someone enjoying an orgasm. At one point it seems like a sea of rare chemicals on a distant planet, at another it resembles a

WORDS: NICK RAZZO. PICTURES: ANGELA LUPO-CATTIVO

monstrous bird. The attention to detail is awesome, ensuring that if you are examining it from three inches away or 10 feet, you still get a mighty jolt of aesthetic pleasure. Created, almost unbelievably, with spray paint, if thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s any justice this mural will become a listed interior, preserved for future generations to enjoy.

A BASH WITH BISHOP CROYDON MUSIC LEGEND JON BISHOP TALKS ABOUT HIS LAST EVER MEAL, HIS DJ PHILOSOPHY AND THAT RUMOUR ABOUT CHILLI SAUCE. . .

or years, his name has been a byword for excess and uncompromising musical envelope-pushing. Many were the tales of egos destroyed, of livers, guitars, cerebral cortexes and amplifiers pushed beyond their capacity, of bright young musicians coming into contact with him and emerging from the experience chastened, wiser men. I once postulated a theory that Jon Bishop’s (for it is him) bands and activities served as a kind of avant-garde National Service for a certain type of musician / hipster, kicking talents into shape and exposing people to a parallel world of mayhem and musical groove existing under their noses in dead old suburbia. He was, and remains, Croydon’s very stern answer to Frank Zappa.

‘I normally rub my nipples with bergamot oil’ Electricity crackles: Bishop in excelsis

A decade or so ago, a friend of mine returned to his flat after being on the missing list for 72 hours; he had the etiolated complexion, hunted look and thousand yard stare that you usually see on the faces of people who have been kidnapped in the Middle East and lived to tell the tale. I asked my friend if he was all right and what on earth he’d been up to. I mopped his fevered brow and raised a cup of water to his parched, gibbering lips. ‘I’ve…’ he faltered, ‘I’ve… I’ve been down the Swan & Sugarloaf with Jon Bishop…’ He went bonkers in the end, but what a way to go! Well, people may fall to the wayside, but Bishop keeps on keeping on: as an ebullient and unsinkable DJ and scenester – and the live music hasn’t stopped 30

Read more about Jon Bishop’s memories of Alley Cats and Croydon Bohemia in the Deep-London part of the mag, starting on page 4. . . either. Bishop has a brilliant new band together, Copius3 (‘we are named after our god,’ he says, cryptically) and their music is phat and funky (even I liked it, and I only like Bing Crosby and The Wombles), see www.myspace.com/copius3.

Nick Razzo

WORDS AND PICTURES NICK RAZZO

What is the greatest attribute a DJ can have? “A DJ should be able to open the minds of closed-minded people (who ask for bland & predictable requests you know who you are!!), playing a divine and valiant selection, in a shmorgasbord of music styles from the present, past and future. DIG!! “He or she should make their set an extension of their personality, exercising their artform with passion, skill and individuality, whilst also being PART OF THE PARTY and not just a JUKEBOX (you also know who you are!!) “Also, the ability to select a sign off tune that discombobulates the next DJ is always a lovely bonus (methinks).” Why did you leave Croydon for Brixton? “Brixton is way more open minded, much less segregated and easier to find.” Do you prepare mentally for DJ/Music gig? If so, how? “I normally groom my body hair a few hours in advance, rub my nipples

Many were the tales of livers and guitars pushed too far...

with bergamot oil, anoint the spatula then have a few rum drinks, usually.” What is your relationship status? “Bring on the freaks!” Tell us about your kid. “I have a daughter, the fantabulous Alice McBish (aka SHMOO), who is 11 years old and a veritable nutbar. She is a promising student, an accomplished actor/musician and shakes her rump like only my daughter could!” What steps could the council take to improve Croydon? “The council should level the shopping centre and install a huge heated swimming lake, import a real beach from Cuba and rename the borough Croydon Beach. OOF!!” What is the TRUTH about the chilli sauce / cock story? “Can't go into too much detail here as it may bring legal troubles down on the Greatest Landlord in Croydon (you too know who you are) but it was a triumphant night for the Croydon Nude Hang-gliding Club I can tell you!!”

'The Keith Moon of DJs? Bishop does vinyllingus. 31

Where do you think Dan “Simmo” Simmons disappeared to? “Oh he's just having another TANTRUM somewhere!!” If you were going to be executed tomorrow, what would be your last meal? “Hummingbird breasts a l'orange with a four leaf clover salad for my starter. “For the main, Suckling Duckbill Platypus, basted in 50 year old Mount Gay Rum with a hornets honey drizzle. Sweet potato mash with roast carrots/parsnips and of course MANGE TOUT!! “Followed by a selection of delicious organic local Croydon cheeses. “For dessert it would have to be Banana Fritters swimming in Havana Club 75 year with 8 generous scoops of PISTACHIO ICE CREAM (made with human breast milk). “Wash this down with COPIOUS AMOUNTS of Kwak beer, Red Wine (15%), Rum, Whisky & Brandy (Supré Dupré). “To top it all off, one large after eight with a gun in it.” What is your favourite song? “I have so many, but GO BANG by DINOSAUR-L has everything anyone could ever need. Readers - YOU MUST CHECK IT OUT!!” Do you have tinnitus? “No! Rubbers every time!” Which instrument do you play best? “I play excellent guitar, bass, drums and sing like an angel but I am probably most accomplished on my ding-a-ling.” (Modest, ain’t he? – Ed.) Where can Croydonhello readers see Copius3? www.myspace.com/copius3

DO YOU WANT TO BE IN

All hands on decks - they quake, they quake with the *groove*

Send your pics, gossip and stories to: hello@deep-london.co.uk 32

UNDERCOVER

with Nick Razzo

ld-time piano/spoons duo Pat and Dave entertained drinkers at the Dog and Bull for St George's Day last month. The pair performed a rousing set list of old pub songs such as Roll Out the Barrel and Knees Up Mother Brown as well as a huge medley of 50s rock and roll classics. The audience sang along and a good time was had by all. A local drinker said: "They’re great fun and their Elvis and Little Richard covers were rockin'!" Undercover was disturbed to hear wholesome warbler Connie “Maria” Fisher has cancelled her tour on account of needing a voice operation. We wish Connie well and hope her Croydon Fairfield Halls date isn’t cancelled. My mum loves Connie. Undercover enjoyed tequilas with cassettes drummer Santiago “Santi” Reverter and his girlfriend, Zowie “Climate Change” Easom, at the joint-birthday party of the inordinately jolly Sharon “Ronnie Kray” Brown and unusually zen-like Phillipa “Cox’s Orange Pip-in” Scott. We were staggered, nay outraged, to learn that Santi takes no salt, nor lemon with his tequila. We watched, we learned. That same evening Undercover also learned that Leslie “Lesmeriser” Ricketts, postman, hypnotist and one

half of defunct funk and reggae DJ double act Fullman & Ricketts, was present, enjoying one of his increasingly rare forays into Croydon nightlife. “Lesmeriser” once told me about the giant turtle that used to live in a pond outside the Immigration and Nationality Directorate down Wellesley Road. Just thought I’d mention it! Now we must turn to emerging Croydon it-girl Catherine “Cheeky” North, who revealed exclusively to me that Evelina “Cocky” Beckers is getting out and about on the town – even though her leg is in plaster. “She’s getting a wheelchair”, Catherine told us. Game on the girl – but I foresee serious collisions ahead! Beckers don’t get out of nobody’s way on two legs, so what’s she going to be like on four wheels? “Cheeky” North was spotted again the following evening, looking very glamorous and painting the town a deep shade of red. Gertcha! It’s St George’s Day with Pat and Dave

Billy “I am the Eggman” Lancaster will be taking part in a remake of the horror classic The Wicker Man called, predictably, The Egg Man. “Dude,” said Billy, “I’m locked in a hen house at the end and egged, viciously egged. It’s really eggcellent.” Oh, Bill! How could you? Last, but not least, we hear it’s scissors at ten paces at a local hairdressing salon. I can exclusively reveal that pop singer/stylist Nick “cassettes” Reeves and colourist Kelly “Onion Seller” Hamill (who is romantically linked with Purley mod and hardcase Tommy “Sunshine” Kearns) fell into a vicious spat over Reeves snaffling the last Thermals CD in the record shop racks; there was also dark talk of a diplomatic incident over a Belle and Sebastian poster. Such passion about rock and roll can only be warmly applauded in this day and age – but play nice, popkids! Reeves and Hamill: Scissors at 10 paces..?

COLONEL RAZZO NEEDS YOU! Are you the life and soul of the party? Are you the one who keeps your mates entertained? Are you a ‘face’ down your local? Are you, in fact, a PUB CELEBRITY? Then enter Croydon Pub Celebrity Of The Year by e-mailing ‘celeb’ with your name, address and why you think you qualify to: hello @deep-london.co.uk. Or text 07910 506197 (standard charge). The winner of Croydonhello Pub Celebrity Of The Year will receive £150 worth of booze and BRAGGING RIGHTS. All entries must be in by 30th June and prizes will be awarded at a grand gala night in August (date tbc)... 33

Dear Wendy, After sex with my fella, my Love Puffs sound like Ivor the Engine, the popular 70s children’s cartoon programme about a steam engine in the welsh valleys. It’s got to the point where he calls me ‘Jones the Steam’. Advice, please? ‘Windy’ Miller’, Banstead Wendy says: I think you should shout “wooot wooot” in a steam engine whistle kind of way when it happens. That’ll shock him! Go for it, I dare you. ........................................................ Dear Wendy, Thanks for your advice on having a small penis. As per your advice, I decided to be proud of my tiddler – but my girlfriend has started calling me ‘Inch High Private Eye’, after the popular 70s childrens’ cartoon programme about a miniature detective. Any thoughts? ‘Even more modest’, Purley Wendy says: I can make you a badge... It’s a name to be proud of! Maybe start a club “Tiny Penis’s United” Membership cards, goody bags and you never know you may get women along with a tiny penis fetish ? ........................................................ Dear Wendy, My friends are SO jealous of you being Croydon It-Girl that they make bitchy remarks. Why are girls like this? ‘Confused’, Thornton Heath Wendy says: Ah yes, well see, I had some bitchy comments outside the pub the other week. Girls are like this because they obviously see someone else having more fun in their lives

than they are and want to make people feel bad for having fun! I’ll rise above it. I did find it quite amusing that a little bit of fame could cause so much controversy though! Silly little girls like that should eff off back to the Goose where they belong! (ooh, bitchy!) ........................................................ Dear Wendy, A ladyfriend of mine wanted what she described as a ‘good sorting out’ up an alleyway in Croydon. Any advice on outdoor love-making? I no longer know what is acceptable. ‘Back Door Man’, George Street Wendy says: Well after being given a guided tour of the Croydon dogging sites the other week, I’m sure I could offer some geographical advice, but probably best not to be mentioned here. Facebook me for the map. The love-making skills should come naturally, if not then I’m sure the 70p crack whore will help you out... for 70p. She’s good in the back alleys so I’ve been told (by a certain young gentleman by the name of Matt ? ) ........................................................ Dear Wendy, My girlfriend can fart the first three verses of Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Is this a record? Wat S. Thatsmell, Caterham Wendy says: Tell her to try it in the bath, it makes the tone deeper and she may well be able to do the Frog Chorus too. Now that would be a record worth making….trumped to number one! ........................................................ Dear Wendy, My boyfriend and I decided to try a foursome with another couple. But 34

the male just wanted to talk about Archbishop Cranmer all night. Should we have said something? ‘Frustrated’, Chipstead Valley Wendy says: Yes, you should have said: ‘How interesting that Archbishop Cranmer developed new doctrinal standards in areas such as the Eucharist, clerical celibacy, the role of images in places of worship, and the veneration of saints; however, I came here for a seeing to tonight. Maybe when we’re done we could talk about the Elizabethan Religious Settlement or ecclesiastical polity?’ ........................................................ Dear Wendy, Are older men attractive? Just because I can remember headbutting V2 rockets in 1944 doesn’t stop me being an adventurous lover, does it? ‘Skinhead Andy’ Franks (aged 88) Purley Wendy says: Older men are attractive. But younger men are the future for women! Who wants a lolly stick splint holding it up anyway? Splinters? Sounds a bit eye watering to me :/ ........................................................ Dear Wendy, My boyfriend wants me to have a road tax sticker on my left buttock when we make love. Do you think he’s bedworthy? ‘Wheely concerned’, Old Couldson Wendy says: I do believe he is suffering from a condition called Mechaniphilia. (Google it) If he comes home smelling of oil and WD40 I would really start to worry. And if he brings you home some fluffy dice earrings then show him the door and let him keep the car!

round about this time last year, completely by accident, The Breakfast Cat Theatre Company was born. Ever ambitious band Ten Foot Nun wanted something special for their forthcoming gig at The Brief, something visual, something memorable, and front-man Ten Foot Jon hit upon the idea of bringing their concept album ‘Nightmare at the Shoe Museum’ to life via the medium of theatre. Enlisting the help of local actor/writer Roberto Prestoni, a vague storyline was thrashed out combining ideas from ‘Nightmare at the Shoe Museum’ and their earlier EP ‘Science Abuse’. And so it was that May 2008 saw Ten Foot Nun perform twenty minutes of predominantly instrumental music while in front of them, Roberto and some of his actor chums told their story via that most ancient of theatrical disciplines: mime. The audience were treated to shoe burglars Jack Boot and Stiletto up to no good in Croydon’s Shoe Museum on the same night that a corrupt scientist was up to no good in Croydon’s Science Lab (which is, of course, next door to The Shoe Museum). As one shoe burglar goes too far by stealing Hitler’s flipflops, said scientist goes too far in transforming himself into a human fly (complete with mask made from a black bra with tea strainers sewn into the cups) who then runs amok in the Shoe Museum, threatening those trapped inside. It is then up to two good scientists to end the evil with the aid of a huge web pulled from the arse of a spider made huge in the Science Lab’s enlargifier. The crowd loved it, with some audience members singling it out as the best entertainment of any kind that they had ever enjoyed. Roberto then returned to his established theatre companies, where other people do all the hard work, but there was to be no rest for this wicked thespian; the people wanted more. And so bowing to pressure, Roberto went to work on scripts for actual plays, none of this miming to bands nonsense, and eventually ended up with a finished one, ‘No More Heroes’, a play about super-villains. As with ‘Nightmare...’, the action takes place in our beloved Croydon, where else? and sees a group of locals form a league of masked criminals inspired by the pages of comic books. There are plenty of in-jokes for denizens to chuckle at, girls in sexy costumes, men in silly costumes, flip-charts, Monster Munch and snogging. Will the nefarious scheme of this Croydon criminal collective see villainy enjoying victory? Or will Croydon’s finest foil their plot with the aid of their day-glo community support counterparts? The only way to find out is to come and see The Breakfast Cat Theatre Company’s production of No More Heroes at The Brief, George Street this June, Saturday 6th or Sunday 7th (date tbc), with performances at 2pm & 8pm. Entry is a crunch friendly 2 pounds and the script contains all the major swear words, so squares are advised to stay well away. 36

Septuagenarian agony aunt cum rock mutton Auntie May gets down with the kids...

ello again everybody, and I hope you’re all making the most of this fine spring weather we’re enjoying. Who knows how long it will last? I’ve had a blast this month musically, starting off when I, albeit rather reluctantly, accompanied Jonny Carnage to Fresh Aid5 at Wilsons School. I say reluctantly as the average age of the guests was about 15 and I’m… well, let’s just say when I was 15 I was drinking in the Dog & Bull with a band whose lead singer died in 1986. However, my reservations were short-lived, especially when Rick Frantic, who set up an amazing light show, managed to find me a can of Stella and I joined Kitty Hudson in the drinking corner. I was particularly entertained by With Knives who had the interesting idea of playing with their bike lights strapped to their microphones. There was a fairly decent, although very volatile, moshpit but after an exuberant 14 year old sat on the lighting desk I commandeered my friend Josh into forming Moshpit Control, or Joshpit Control as it became known. To fill the time I undertook a couple of hours of people watching - teenagers can be strange creatures at times. The girls split neatly into two groups - the small dumpy ones stood around in sullen groups gazing at the floor and the tall, skinny blonde ones ran around being scintillating and trying to catch the eye of any boy within ten feet. Unfortunately

said boys were well behind the girls in social maturity - they had enough hormones to produce some pungent aromas but not enough to do anything productive with them other than charge around like rutting stags. After a lengthy performance by Skorge, Kitty Lipps took to the stage, followed by our own Kitty Hudson. Richie had the girls eating out of his lap (or rather wished he did!) and was in his element when a couple of the girls leapt onto the stage, closely followed by three quarters of the crowd! All in all it was an amazing night and thanks should go to

Everyone had a fantastic evening and I hear there are plans afoot to repeat the experience in the not too distant future. And on to this month. Witchfest South is on 16th May at Stanley Halls featuring music by The Dolmen, Rumpledrumskin, Damh The Bard and of course the famous Witching Hour Club with DJ Swedish until midnight. On 22nd May Cartoon favourites Dumpy’s Rusty Nuts are playing The Brief in George Street for a

“The teenage girls split into two groups, the small dumpy ones and the tall skinny blonde ones who ran around being scintillating...” David and all the Fresh Aid team for organising it. Another highlight was the Underground Reunion Night organised by Johnie Munchkin who came over from the States specially. For those of you who don’t remember, the Underground was an alternative music club just along from St. George’s Walk which closed about 20 years ago. The Ship was packed to bursting point all night and Edith spotted quite a few of her old conquests amongst the familiar faces who turned up. The club’s DJ, Pete Fox, was on hand and did a guest slot behind the sound desk.

long-awaited and welcome return to Croydon. Don’t miss a night of kick-arse biker rock and blues, and get there in time to see the brilliant Sons of Merrick who are supporting. And for those of who who are prepared to travel further afield, Mordecai are staging their comeback show at the Bridge House 2, Canning Town on 17th May. I’m off to polish my knobs and dust my drapes - even rock-grannies like me need to attempt a half-hearted stab at springcleaning to work up a thirst. See you at the bar or at www.myspace.com/auntiemay99.

Encouragement for the youth of today to make some Goddam noise...

f you believe what you read in the papers, our teenagers are out of control. Nothing new there, teenagers have been regarded as being out of control ever since the word ‘teenager’ was invented back in the 50s. What does seem to have changed though is the creative outlets todays teens use to express themselves - from the early days of rock and roll through punk and onwards to hip-hop, disaffected youth had largely turned to music to help them with all their smashing the system needs - but lately that seems to have ceased, unless you’re a shoegazing sensitive soul whose parents don’t understand them but will pay through the nose to try (to quote Bill Bailey’s parody of whiny selfindulgent indie rock; ‘How can I feel pain... When you’re being so supportive..?’). When the kids stop trying to inflict their god-awful music on the rest of us while insisting that we just don’t understand them then the future

really is bleak. Happily, however, the ever-forward thinking folk at Scream, in conjuction with the Access To Music people, are hell-bent on ensuring that there will be a proportion of today’s yoof who drop the shivs in favour of picking up a guitar, with two new music courses starting in September this year. One, the Creative Music Producer course is for aspiring DJ's & MC's / rappers / sound engineers / composers / writers and vocalists

currently working within the music industry so they know what is most relevant and are passionate about getting this across. With direct experience as a former Professional Musician for over 25 years Steve Nolan (Centre manager) says “ATM courses are absolutely ideal for all who wish to gain the very skills and savvy they need to be able to move forward and gain employment within the music industry, including

To quote Bill Bailey’s parody of whiny selfindulgent indie rock “How can I feel pain... When you’re being so supportive..?” while the other, coming under the heading Performing Musician is for those wanting to do stuff with drums / bass / keyboards / guitar / vocals as well as ccmposers and writers. Both courses are recruiting now and are open to people from all backgrounds and cultures and all ages from 16 up. You don't necessarily need to have any previous qualifications or be able to read music etc. you just need to be completely committed about making music your future and be able to display some skill in your chosen area of music and, most importantly, be prepared to work seriously hard and with an open mind to develop these skills. Students on the new courses are taught by professionally trained tutors who are artists themselves, all 40

qualifications so as to move on to University and/or work within the wider industry”. Honestly, we never had these sorts of opportunities when I was young, if you wanted to get into the music industry the traditional way was to learn to play guitar alone in your bedroom, form a band, get a gig at the local pub in front of your mates, hope some ghastly A&R man would spot you before becoming rich and famous, being ripped off by your manager and dying of some sort of misadventure at the traditional age of 27. Or you could blag it in the postroom of a record company (see: Simon Cowell). Kids today eh? Don’t know they’re born... Anyway, if you are a yoof, or indeed not quite a teenager any more and you’re interested in a bit of a leg up to the music industy then full details of the courses, including who can join up (bohemians on the dole have some of the fees waived, by the way) what qualifications you can gain and what exactly it all involves are available on the Access To Music website at: (www.accesstomusic.co.uk) or get in touch with the course and student enquiries department by e-mailling: info@accesstomusic.co.uk or calling Free phone: 0800 28 18 42, or you can pop into Scream Studios and pick up an application pack. Easy innit? Yes, it is, and we look forward to staring incomprehensibly at your band while the kids go apeshit in the very near future...

News-hound May contain news.

ell, as it’s gloriously sunny out, we’ll start with a bit of summery news. We’re delighted to report that Giorgio at La Spezia Delicatessen is now selling proper Italian ice-cream in cones like wot you get on holiday, so we recommend you get down there and immerse yourself in a tiny bit of the mediterranean in South Croydon - ah, makes me wish I was at home in Italy. If you do try it, mention you heard about it from us, it’ll make him, and us, happy... In other less good news, we hear that Celestine is selling up at Pepperton UK, the restaurant and art gallery in Selhurst, which is a shame. We’re not sure when the fateful date is, so we’d say if you haven’t been there yet don’t hang about or you may not get the chance. Other local movers and shakers now and Newshound has learned that The Gun Tavern has been sold by the Jack Beard company to new owners. Not many details as yet but we gather the new incumbents are two blokes who are apparently ‘into music’ and so we wait with lively anticipation to see if it remains the rock-pub stalwart it’s been for many years. Elsewhere, another Jack Beard pub, The Woodman, is also imminently to be under new management, and we hope the new landlords can restore what is a fine little local to some of its former glory. Talking of restoration, The Builders Arms has now undergone a major refurbishment and looks rather nice, and it too is now under new management, as is The Purley Arms, whose new landlord told us of his plans to spruce up the place inside and out - a process that is underway as we speak. And finally on the under new management section, The Earl Of Eldon loses its current manager at the end of May. Lastly, the rumblings that a new live music venue may soon be upon us continue. A new

source has appeared that lends the rumour verisimilitude, but as usual nothing concrete is forthcoming. Watch this space. Congratulations this month to The Two Brewers as their Quizzers have raised £1000 for CPFRIS DCC.(Crystal Palace Fast Results Information Service- Disabled Childrens Club).This charity purhcase an executive box at Selhurst Park for disabled children and their carers to watch games in comfort and safety. They also host a Christmas party for 120 children, which is a great cause. The picture below shows host Darren Walter with members of the charity receiving their cheque. The pub hosts quizzes every Thursday and Sunday nights with 100% of the money raised on Thursday nights going to a different local charity every quarter, and so far over four and a half years they’ve raised over £12000 for local charities. On Thursday 14th May they will be holding an auction for a limited issue, (No 23 of 50) Palace Print. Everyone is welcome to attend and hopefully some of those attending will enter a team to raise more money for charity. For more information contact Darren on 0208 684 3544. News reaches us of plans to make a bio-pic of seminal punk nutcase Ian Dury. Planned for release next year, the film will star Andy Serkis (Lord Of The Rings, Einstein and Eddington) as Dury, with support from Ray Winstone and Mackenzie Crook. More details on what could be quite an exciting prospect as we get them. In other film 42

news, we hear from local film-maker Paul Davis that his magnificent octopus now has a release date. Paul sent us this missive: “UK release date for AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON Blu-Ray with my directorial debut feature documentary BEWARE THE MOON has been announced for October 5th!!!! It's up for pre-order on Amazon.co.uk now!” Which is a fantastic achievement and we look forward to seeing it. And that’s about it for news for this month - keep ‘em peeled and TTFN. ian dury at the croydon greyhound 1977

the two brewers quizzers

More-ish... Local up and coming ROCK outfit Mordecai on dinner, life, lavender and the search for guitar heroes...

ormed a couple of years ago (and one of the oldest rock-chick in town, Auntie May’s favoured long-haired youngster bands) things appeared to be going swimmingly for Mordecai - 2007 saw them quickly rise to become one of South London’s most well known bands. With headline slots at some of the country’s most prestigious venues, recording with one of the worlds most sought after producers and a growing fan base they seemed unstoppable. Then, in July 2008 their lead guitarist Max quit, which abruptly pushed the band into a hiatus. This month Deep caught up with

Mordecai, or rather its members Kev, Jim, Andy and Dan to find out where they’re all at now and what 2009 has in store. So last year seemed like a bit of a roller coaster for you - what happened? Dan: We spent the summer working really hard and that’s when it became apparent that Max just wasn’t working out for us - his heart wasn’t in it. Jim: We wanted to go harder and heavier, he wanted to go in a different direction... Kev: We wanted to go harder… He wanted dinner first. Everyone’s gotta be on the same page and we weren’t. He

“We wanted to go harder and heavier, Max wanted dinner first. . .”

decided to pursue other things and we had to let him go. That must have been hard - how did you cope? D: I think we all had a lapse of faith… We all almost walked away. We were without a player for about 8 months so it got hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. J: We got Anwar from ‘Strange Day’ to dep… We branched further out… Played a couple of festivals and out of town gigs. We then decided to take a hiatus to write our new stuff and keep the remaining unit tight. D: If it wasn’t for the people around us then we wouldn’t have survived it. Rick and Stephen at Frantic Promotions (management) really helped us through it. It’s always good when you’ve got people backing what you believe in. What were you doing in the mean time? D: Writing, writing, writing! K: I’ve been the band whore… Just tried to keep our name in people heads while we were working our s**t out. D: We’d done about 20 auditions to find our guy… We were contacted by so many people and auditioned some great players… But the chemistry just wasn’t there! So how did you find your guy in the end? J: The guys at ‘Scream Studios’ were awesome… Helping us with auditions. After hours of auditions and not seeming to get anywhere, Kev suggested Andy. K: Yeah, it made sense… I’d been speaking to him a lot and we were writing exactly what he wanted to get involved in. D: It was awesome - we had a jam with Andy one evening and everything just seemed to fit. So Andy, you‘ve been pretty quiet, how are you settling in to the Mordecai family?

Andy: *smirks* I’m having a lovely time. D: Did I detect some sarcasm there? A: *laughs*… Nah its cool to come into an environment where my influence makes a difference. It’s really refreshing to be able to have fun while still working hard! K: Yeah the unit’s never been tighter… We all get on like we’ve been best mates for ages. D: I’ve always wanted to be in a band that didn’t have politics, wasn’t all business, and where we could just hang out… Since Andy’s got on board it’s been just that. J: We’ve never been able to hang out

video soon too. Dan needs to shed a few pounds first though... Do you have any advice for young bands that are going through a similar thing? K: Give up… It’s less competition for us! *laughs*… Nah, just keep hitting it hard and most importantly have fun. D: Surround yourself with musicians you look up to. For me, hanging out with the Godsized lot meant that I learnt a hell of a lot. It’s always cool to have people around you that have gone through similar stuff and that want to see you succeed. What is your ideal show line up? K: Godsmack and Sevendust… with

“Jim’s really scared of lavender. . . I think he was abused by lavender as a child. It’s a deep-rooted scar. . .” socially without business being involved… With Andy its just chilled. D: Yeah like we all went out bowling last night with the W.A.G’s. Andy thrashed us all despite telling us he sucked. Bastard. You seem to have really found your feet - so what’s next? K: We’ve just come out of the studio from recording our brand new EP… I like my bass drum sound. D: Kev’s easily satisfied *laughs*. It’s all sounding awesome… Its out really soon. We’re just hitting it hard… For the first time were finally firing on all cylinders. A: Big and beautiful things! On the serious side, we’ve got a lot of things lined up, plenty of gigs - national and international, we’re gonna shoot a

Mordecai supporting! A: Supporting Alter Bridge or the man Zakk. D: It’s the venue for me, the day I play Brixton is the day I’ve made it. J: TAKE THAT!!!!! A: Touché! K: Any one want to audition for a new bassist? Dirt digging time…Who has the worst habits? D: Kev’s arse has its own set of lungs! K: *looks shocked* You’re worse than me… A: Kev “Deuce Bigalow” Miller’s exploits! Weirdest phobia? D: Jim’s really scared of lavender… K: I think he was abused by lavender as a child… It’s a deep rooted scar. Poor

lad. J: Dan’s scared of his feet… He never goes bare foot. A: I’m not a fan of feet either. *shudders* K: I quite like feet! Feet can be hot! A: They don’t look natural. D: Hang on, it’s not that I’m scared of my own feet, idiots. It’s cutting my feet that I’m scared of. Watching that scene in Hostel made me go cold. Just thinking about it now makes my toes curl. At least it’s a rational fear Jim! Where can we check you out live next? D: We’re playing our first show in Canning Town on May 17th but our next Croydon show is on the 29th May at The Brief. None of us can wait to get back on stage on home turf. J: We’re really looking forward to it, as we said were gonna be working really hard so you’ll never be far away from a Mordecai show… A: *does an old radio presenter voice* “You can find out more information on Mordecai on the World Wide Web at www.myspace.com/mordecaiuk“… *laughs at himself* Its always cool to chat to the people that appreciate our stuff!! D: And get critique from those who don’t! Make sure you check Mordecai out, they’re definitely a band to watch. More info and gig dates at www.myspace.com/mordecaiuk

what’s on Every Day: • Exhibition: Hidden Treasures from the Mary Rose 7th April - 7th August 2009 A major exhibition of artefacts and history of the Mary Rose, Henry XIII’s flagship. The Exhibition will be open daily: 10am - 5pm. Telephone Bookings and General Enquiries: 0208 633 9939 Bookings are available in the morning between 10am and 1pm or in the afternoon between 2pm and 5pm. Please note that last admission is at 4pm. Whitgift Conference Centre, Whitgift School, Brighton Road, South Croydon CR2 6YT, Tel: 0208 633 9939 www.maryrosehiddentreasures.org • Art: AC/DC: Let There Be Rock Until 31 May 2009 A photographic trip throught the Bon Scott years by Philip Morris, who was there for the whole thing. Proud Gallery / Bar / Venue Camden, until 31 May 2009. Monday - Saturday: 11am - 7pm Sunday: 11am - 6pm Entrance into the Gallery is always free. www.proud.co.uk Stables Market, London, NW1 8 020 7482 3867 • Exhibition: Indian Strings and Dances 10 April – 31 July 2009 This colourful, interactive exhibition is curated by the London Sitar Ensemble, the Museum of Croydon and Sutton Subrang and will showcase the best in Indian music and dance. Indian music and dance is one of the finest traditions in the world. The exhibition will trace the story of these art forms, tracking the evolutionary changes, transformations and contributions of musicians and dancers, both famous and unknown. The 400-year history of travel, migration and cultural exchange between India and Britain has had a significant influence on the cultural scene in Britain. Indian Strings and Dances aims to explore the significant influence and contribution made by the musicians and dancers of South Asia in Britain. FREE entry. Museum Of Croydon, Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street

Every Monday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits

and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Monday - Saturday. Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Music: Singing For The Nervous NEW! Free your voice with this friendly singing group, world harmony songs, rounds, chants. 6.30- 8pm. Adult ed rates. Upstairs in the Green Dragon pub, 58-60 Croydon High Street, CR0 1NA Please call/email to come along or get details. catherine@naturalvoice.net 020 8683 4737. • Music: Folk and Blues Club From 8pm. Prices vary depending on artist. Call Brian on 0208 698 5322 for further info. Licensed bar. Ruskin House,Coombe Road, CRO. • Music: Big Beer Band The 8 million Big Beer Band musicians do their big-band thang at the Brief. From 9pm ish TheBrief, George Street, Croydon • Games: Free Pool Every Monday at The Alma. The Alma Tavern 129 Lower Addiscombe Rd, CR0, 020 8654 5842 • Lifestyle: Croydon Life Club Every Monday 7.30-9.00pm £15.00 per workshop (Concessions given) Croydon Life Club, St Mildred’s Centre Bingham Road, Addiscombe, CR0 7EB More info visit: www.lifeclubs.co.uk • Dance: Ballroom & Latin American Ballroom and latin American classes with stars from BB1 show “Strictly Come Dancing” Fairfield Halls Croydon on Monday evenings for all abilities. 8 week course. Booking essential. Telephone 07944 931130, www.karenhardystudios.com

Every Tuesday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Monday - Saturday. Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Fitness: Yoga Classes Every Tuesday from 7.30pm-9pm. £5 a class for 6 sessions. Beginners welcome. 140 Brighton Road, Purley. 0208 763 2629 • Dance: Belly Dancing Come and join the fun every Tuesday. 46

what’s on Classes are for women only and suitable for all ages, sizes and levels of ability. Make sure you wear comfortable clothing and bring a scarf to tie around your hips to really get you in the mood! Open level - suitable for all 6pm7.15pm In depth class - suitable for experienced dancers only: 7.30pm8.45pm. £7 per class. Call Charlotte Desorgher on 01342 850423 The Green Room, Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. Box Office: 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Dance: Ceroc Learn to Ceroc every Tuesday in the Arnhem Gallery. Ceroc is an exciting and stylish modern partner dance which can be performed to all types of music. It’s very easy to pick up, no special clothes are required and you don’t need to bring a partner as we make sure everyone mixes together. Beginners: 8pm; Intermediate: 9pm Freestyle: 9.30pm-11pm Membership £2, Admission £6 For further info tel: 020 8466 5030 or visit: www.cerockent.com Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, CR9 1DG. Box Office: 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Quiz: The Builders Arms General knowledge quiz, always well supported, from 9pm. The Builders Arms • Quiz: The Sandrock Music/general knowledge quiz from 8.30pm every Tuesday. The Sandrock, Upper Shirley Rd, Shirley, CR0. 020 8662 1931. • Quiz: The Crown From 8.30pm The Crown, 28 Wickham Road, Shirley, 020 8662 7801 • Club: Beautiful People Beautiful people is on every Tuesday night. This long running alternative night continues to leap ahead having been ahead of the pack in the past playing nu-metal and screamo we are now moving into playing a majority of emo. Our recent celebrity visitors have included My Chemical Romance (we were first UK club to play them) and Alkaline trio alongside them we championed Fallout Boy and Panic at the Disco. Resident DJ

Something to do every night of the week, Yay! Zoe Urchin also blends in ska (Mad Caddies to Specials to Desmond Dekker) and punk ( Undertones to Afi to Green day to Minor Threat) some new school rock (Trivium to Queens of stone age) and a pinch of hip hop and dance (Pendulum to Kano). Drinks deals are an unbeatable £2 for Jack daniels and coke, £1.50 for house spirits and two bottled beers for £3 11pm-3am. £3 flyer/conc before midnight £5 after or otherwise all night theres a full listing, downlaodable flyer, photo gallery , Djs picks and links to our my space page www.wolfshead.co.uk Metro, Basement 19 Oxford Street London W1, www.wolfshead.co.uk • Club: Common People The best indie night in your life! EVER! £1 entry before 10pm, £2 after, £1 drinks till 11pm! Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar

Every Wednesday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Monday - Saturday. Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Event: Pool Competition The weekly pool competition returns to the Oval, from 7pm. £2 in, cash prizes. The Oval Tavern, Oval Road, East Croydon. • Gay: Camp Bingo hosted by Miss Isla Blige. Starts 8pm with various prizes. Happy Hour Drinks when you buy your books until the first number is called. The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net

Every Thursday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Monday - Saturday. Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Music: Live Jazz Every Thursday lunchtime from 12.30pm. FREE! Cafe Opera, Croydon 47

Clocktower, Katharine Street, CR0. 020 8253 1030. www.croydon.gov.uk/clocktower • Music: The New Delta Big Band From Ellington to Herman, big band jazz at its best! 8.15pm to 11pm. FREE! Every 1st and 3rd Thursday of the month. The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Music: The Brian Hetherington Jazz Band Listen or jive to the authentic rythyms of New Orleans. 8.30pm-11pm. FREE! Every 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month. The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Quiz: Mike C’s General Knowledge Quiz - NEW! From 9.00pm Mike K’s general knowledge quiz, non-members welcome! Caterham Club, 10A, Croydon Road, Caterham CR36QB • Music: Open Mic at The Good Companions, Hamsey Green, South Croydon, every Thursday 8.30 p.m. Musicians ( Guitarists or others with any ‘reasonable’ instrument ), Duo’s, Trios, Singers, welcome Tel: 0208 6576655. wwwthegoodcompanions.com The Good Companions, Hamsey Green, South Croydon • Club: Xplosive The Wolfshead alternative mafia try a new night at this poular South London bar known up until now for its dance events just around the corner from Brixton tube. Into its plush surroundings will come DJ Zoe Urchin and guests cunningly blendingly together an eclectic romp through the alternative genre featuring indie (Arctics to White Stripes), emo, (My Chemical Romance to Panic at the Dsico), alternative rock ( System of a Down to Green Day), punk (Misfits to Blink 182) ,ska ( Specials to Less than jake)and alternative dance (Pendulum to Kanye). Drinks deals are Jack daniels and coke £2.50, house spirits and mixer £2.00 and 2 selected beers for £3. 10pm- 3am £3 before midnight, £5 after less for students/flyers/members. flyer to download at website www.wolfshead.co.uk Tongue and Groove, 50 Atlantic Road Brixton

what’s on • Gay: Discotek Midweek gay music club with world class music. Two rooms of music every Thursday with 'The Phunked Up Disco' in the lounge and pumping house vibes in the main room. Resident DJs Femi B, Jeffrey Hinton, Luke Hope, Guy Williams, Paul Heron, Tom McMillan, plus international and UK guests. Weekly pre-party @ The Edge and Candy Bar (from 2100) The End, 18 West Central St London WC1A 1JJ. 020 7419 9199 www.endclub.com • Club: Rock Night South London’s biggest and best rock night. Live music every Thursday from 8-9.30. FREE before 10pm and most drinks are at happy hour prices till 9pm...what more do you want?! Bands are followed by DJ Tony X. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Dance: Salsa De Cuba with Leo & Co. Classes from 8pm followed by club salsa until 1am. The Norbury Complex, 1300 London Road, Croydon. 020 8679 0632. • Dance: Simply Salsa Learn to dance salsa every Thursday. Beginners welcome. No partner required. Classes from 7.30pm, club til midnight. Admission £7.00 class and club, £3.00 club only. It’s fun and friendly, monthly Sunday’s also!! For further info. simplysalsa@ukonline.co.uk 07957 431216 or 07759 584591 The Treehouse, South End, Croydon • Dance: Clog Dancing Free taster sessions for newcomers to try out some lively N.W. English clog team dances - wear trainers or similar footwear. Musicians with portable acoustic instruments always welcome too. PLEASE CALL BEFORE HEADING OUT, as some Thursdays this night is not on. 8.30 pm. FREE! Call 020 8654 5211/020 8657 4056 (eves.) for details United Reformed Church Hall, corner Enmore/Cobden Road, S. Norwood • Dance: Morris Dancing North Wood Morris Men are teaching Men's Morris to complete beginners on Thursday evenings at the Scout Hut in Purley Park Road at 8.15 pm and newcomers are welcome (first call 020 8668 1830) see www.northwoodmorris.org.uk • Dance: Soca / Calypso Beginners welcome and rum punch

Something to do every night of the week, Yay! served! The Newton Arms, 175 Queens Road, Croydon, 020 8684 7654 • Dance: The South East London Lindy Hop Club Come and learn to dance Lindy Hop (Jitterbug) like they did in the 1940's. No partner required and Caron and Steve specialise in helping those with two left feet get together with those with two right. Doors open 7.30pm Beginners Class 7.45pm Intermediate Class 8.30pm Freestyle (practice) 9.15pm The Royston Club, 85 Royston Road Penge, London, SE20 7QW www.52ndstreetjump.co.uk • Karaoke: Arkwrights Wheel All together now... Arkwrights Wheel, 151 North End, CR0. 020 8649 8638. • Karaoke: Selhurst Arms Thursday night would appear to be karaoke night bleedin’ everywhere... From 8pm. Selhurst Arms, Selhurst Rd, SE25. • Quiz: Purley Arms Quiz-a-rama, every Thursday from 8.30pm, £1 in for cash prizes + other goodies. Purley Arms, 345 Brighton Road, South Croydon, 020 8686 3792 • Quiz: Cricketers General knowlegde quiz with £50 prize. The Cricketers, 47 Shirley Rd, CR0 7ER 020 8655 3507 • Music: Boulevard Live music while you eat. Boulevard, 7-8 Ruskin Parade, Selsdon Road, South Croydon. 020 8649 9990. • Music: Open Mic Quiz Night at The Good Companions 8.00 p.m. ww.thegoodcompanions.com Limpsfield Road, South Croydon 0208 657 6655

Every Friday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Monday - Saturday. Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Photography: Camera Club Camera Club meeting in West Croydon every Friday night welcomes visitors and new members. Full programme of events including print/slide talks, portrait evenings, competitions, etc. Ample parking. Contact Colin on 020 8665 1678. Visit 48

www.thorntonheathcameraclub.co.uk • Club: DJ Night Every Friday. Pistols, Brighton Road, Coulsdon • Club: Upstairs DJ's including Louis from Choice FM. Drink promotion from 9pm - 11pm with all house spirits £2. The only club in Croydon licensed until 3am. Entry £3 before 11pm and £5 after. Free entry to diners of the restaurant. Guest list and venue hire available, please contact 020 8688 9837 for details. www.treehousepeople.com Upstairs, above Treehouse restaurant 78 South End, CR0 020 8688 9837 • Music: DJ Party Night The Newton Arms, 175 Queens Road, Croydon, 020 8684 7654 • Karaoke: Karaoke Madness Singalong fun with Jerry Baker & Co in the bar from 9pm. The Norbury, The Norbury Complex, 1300 London Road, Croydon. 020 8679 0632. • Club: Club Zone following on from Karaoke Madness is Club Zone @ The Edge Nightclub playing club & party classics with guest DJs, open til 3am. The Edge Nightclub, The Norbury Complex, 1300 London Road, Croydon. 020 8679 0632. • Club: Dj Steve Mapp in the main room Dj Mark B in Surfers All Drinks £1.50 5pm to 9pm Dress code: Smart casual. Walkabout, Crown Hill, Croydon • Music: Starsound Gold DJ playing all styles of music. from 7pm The Swan and Sugarloaf, Brighton Road, South Croydon • Karaoke: Forestdale Arms Featherbed Lane, CR0. 020 8651 1260. • Karaoke: Swan & Sugarloaf Swan and Sugarloaf, 1 Brighton Rd, CR0. 020 8686 2562 • Karaoke: The Norbury From 9pm. The Norbury Complex, 1300 London Road, Croydon. 020 8679 0632. • Music: Alma Tavern Live music. Alma Tavern, 129 Lwr Addiscombe Rd, CR0. 020 8654 5842. • Music: Jolly Farmers Live music every Friday Jolly Farmers, 7 High Street, Purley (on Purley Cross) 020 8660 2076 • Music: Mama K’s Blues Bar Mama K's blues bar, run by local blues/rock musicians, open jam from 8

what’s on pm, full backline provided. Main band 10pm. Licensed bar. £2 entry. Ruskin House,Coombe Road, CRO. 020 8661 0183

Every Saturday: • Market: Surrey Street London’s oldest continuously running market since 1276, with fruit and veg, bits and pieces, meat and fish, hot food, all sorts. Monday - Saturday. Surrey Street, Croydon www.surreystreetmarket.com • Dance: Bollywood Groove & Bhangra Funky and energetic dance class. Beginners and improvers welcome. Come along and bring your friends. From 12.30pm – 1.30pm. £5 a class. Free parking available. Ground Floor, Dance & Drama Studio Archbishop Lanfranc, Croydon, Surrey, CR9 3AS. Tel: 020 8776 1717 or 07932 530 370 • Games: Pool Competition From 3pm. Old Derby, 44 Pitlake, CR0. 020 8688 5674. • Music: Starsound Gold DJ playing all styles of music. from 7pm The Swan and Sugarloaf, Brighton Road, South Croydon • Games: Pool / Domino Tournaments in the afternoon - call for more details. The Newton Arms, 175 Queens Road, Croydon, 020 8684 7654 • Music: DJ Party Night The Newton Arms, 175 Queens Road, Croydon, 020 8684 7654 • Music: Jolly Farmers Live music every Saturday Jolly Farmers, 7 High Street, Purley (on Purley Cross) 020 8660 2076 • Club: Saturday Night With Linton and Friends A plethora of musical carnage from the beast of butch and his followers… Dance floor fillers, cheese and sleaze. Open til stupid-o’clock in the morning. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: The Big Double Classic hits in the bar from 9pm followed by guest acts and DJs at The Edge, open til 3am. The Norbury & The Edge Nightclub. The Norbury Complex, 1300 London

Road, Croydon. 020 8679 0632 • Club: Dj Andy B in the main room & Dj Randy T in surfers All drinks £1.50 7pm to 9pm Dress code: Smart casual. Walkabout, Crown Hill, Croydon • Club: Upstairs See ‘Every Friday’ for full details. Upstairs, above Treehouse restaurant 78 South End, CR0, 020 8688 9837 • Music: Live Music - NEW Every Saturday. Pistols, Brighton Road, Coulsdon

Every Sunday: • Music: Open Mic Acoustic ‘ Open Mike’ night at The Jolly Farmers, Purley, every Sunday 8.45 p.m. Tel: 0208 6602076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk The Jolly Farmers, on ‘Purley Cross’, Purley • Quiz: Good Companions Quiz Night at The Good Companions 8.00 p.m. www.thegoodcompanions.com Limpsfield Road, South Croydon 0208 657 6655 • Music: Open Mic All welcome! The Newton Arms, 175 Queens Road, Croydon, 020 8684 7654 • Music: Starsound Gold DJ playing all styles of music. from 12pm The Derby, Pitlake, Croydon • Karaoke: Karaoke Madness With Jacko and Co + DJ in the bar til 1am. The Norbury Complex, 1300 London Road, Croydon. 020 8679 0632 • Club: Disco Gold Until 1am. FREE! before 10pm. The Edge Nightclub. The Norbury Complex, 1300 London Road, Croydon. 020 8679 0632 • Club: Croydon Backgammon Club Sundays from 8PM. Ruskin House, Coombe Road, Croydon • Quiz: Forestdale Arms Weekly music quiz. Forestdale Arms, Featherbed Lane, CR0. 020 8651 1260 • Quiz: The Crown From 8.30pm The Crown, 28 Wickham Road, Shirley, 020 8662 7801 • Quiz: The Rail View Every Sunday from 8.30pm. The Rail View, 188 Selsdon Rd, CR2 020 8688 2315 • Quiz: The Kenley Hotel From 9.00pm Mike K’s general

knowledge quiz The Kenley Hotel, 68, Godstone Road, Kenley CR8 5AA • Music: Live New Orleans Jazz Every Sunday 12.30 - 2.30pm at The Lord Napier Jazz Pub. Entry £2, dance floor, raffle, great atmosphere at one of the longest running Jazz Pubs in Great Britain The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286

Got something going on? Let us know e-mail: angela@deep-london.co.uk

Friday 01 May • Club: WTF? Four decades of Indie, Alternative, Electro and Punk hits with DJ Zoe Urchin. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm.. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: House Suckers House suckers are back, giving you all the E numbers you could ever want! Half price on all drinks 5pm until 10pm Free Lollipop flavor Vodka, Free Bubby Free Lollipops all night, Half price drinks before 10pm, Playing the best in lollipop house are: Charlie ‘babit’ Houston Gavin Kool, Jason Feist, DJ Woza, DJ Shorty, Joe Labeur, Simon Cabrera, Terry Haynes, with photography by the amazing Tom Webb 8pm until 3am Admission: £5 More information and guest list call 07793 290638 or email eventinfo@looplounge.co.uk Dress Code: Sexy! (No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted). Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Music: Oval DJs The regular Oval faves, plus guests, keeping Fridays funky. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Comedy: Croydon Comedy Club Live stand-up at the Fairfield, every

what’s on fortnight. 8.30pm - £9. Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Karaoke: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8.30pm every Friday night. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Music: Dj BennyManyHats playing indie, reggae, ska and classics.. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub

Sat 02 • Club: Linton Dance Bombs. Funk Rockets. BeatSeeking Missiles. Never Outgunned. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: DJ Rob Delta 1st Saturday of the month. Funk, blues, soul and psychedelia. FREE entry. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday The Gun Tavern, Crown Hill, Croydon • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday Portmanor, Portland Road, South Norwood, SE25 4UF • Music: Dj Sam with a veritable cornucopia of aural delights. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: NightOwl with Funkagenda. This is not a normal night in Croydon, this is NightOwl Nightowl makes its long awaited return to Croydon with a killer line-up, headlined by superstar DJ/producer Funkagenda, the man behind underground hits “What the F**k” and “Man with the Red Face”. Funkagenda, Ricky RPM, Jesse James, Scott Hayhoe, James Murray, Steve Coad, George Turner 9pm until 5am

Admission £10 in advance For more info call 07939 485 430 or 07919 016 770 Dress Code: Sexy! (No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted). Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Market: Garden Market The Alma Garden Market hopes to create a vibrant bustling market place in the large private courtyard of The Alma pub in Crystal Palace. It runs every Saturday with over 20 stalls selling plants & flowers, beauty products & treatments, exotic oils, olive oils, capers, strawberrys, chocolates, jewellery, hand made cards, rugs, leatherwear, knitwear, deli produce & wide range of arts & crafts from local artists. The Alma, 95 Church Road, Crystal Palace, London SE19 www.thealmapub.com

Sun 03 • Music: Live Jazz New band month starts with Mike Hobart's Urban Jazz Quartet Blue Note jazz for the new millennium Jazz in the afternoon from 1-3pm. FREE! www.jazznet.co.uk The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Live Blues Act tbc. Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry! The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Club: Havoc hard dance all night £4 entry Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Live New Orleans Jazz Every Sunday 12.30 - 2.30pm at The Lord Napier Jazz Pub. Entry £2, dance floor, raffle, great atmosphere at one of the longest running Jazz Pubs in Great Britain The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath. 020 8653 2286 • Dance: Burlesque and Pole Classes - NEW! 5-7pm, upstairs, £7. Sorry chaps it's 50

Ladies Only! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Open Decks 8pm onwards, downstairs. Fancy yourself as a bit of a Dj? Come and wow us! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Quiz: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8pm. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Music: Open Mic Sundays Live music every Sunday The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/thebriefcroydon • Music: Open Mic The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Road, Purley, CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Music: Open Mic Jam evening, acoustic open mic. All welcome.. The Dog and Bull, Surrey Street, Croydon • Music: Croydon Folk and Blues Club Ruskin House, 23 Coombe Road, Croydon, Surrey, http://folkandblues.org

Mon 04 • Event: Bank Holiday • Music: Croydon Jazz Band Big band jazz - 1st Monday of every month Botley Hill Farmhouse, Limpsfield Road, Warlingham Surrey, CR6 9QH. Phone: 01959 577154 email: enquiries@botleyhillfarmhouse.co.uk • Music: The Big Beer Band Live big-band music. Every Monday from 9ish. FREE! The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/the_brief www.bigbeerband.org • Event: Star Wars Day (May the 4th - geddit?!) We'll be in character all day and serving up Star Wars - inspired drinks and meals. And, of course, the films will be playing all day! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA

what’s on www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Community Choir 6-8pm, upstairs, all welcome. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Poker: Poker Night - NEW! 7-9pm. Play in this fun and friendly tournament - if you've never played before, don't worry, we'll teach you! £6 all in, includes buffet. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Word To Your Mother Music from the 90’s – grunge, Britpop, dodgy pop and vanilla ice Half price drinks until 12am Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Gay: The Big Fun Gay Quiz Night fun and general knowledge quiz. Questions from all categories, games that everyone can enjoy. Start the week off with a bang! Starts 8pm The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net

Tue 05 • Event: Anna’s Cocktail Night 1st and 3rd Tuesdays of the month. The Oval does kitsch! Great house cocktail menu, complete with Twiglets on the bar. Watch out for DJs and guest live music slots. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Club: Common People Indie & Beyond. Great songs you know – great songs you don’t. With DJs Colt Zero and Arry Gateau and student friendly Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 11pm. Doors 7pm, £1 before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: King Of Clubs Loop Lounge Poker Night: It's the standard Texas Hold’em format that we all know and love. This night is open to all Loop Lounge members.

To register an interest and book a place at our tables please visit our website. Midday until midnight Half price on all drinks: Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry. Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Music: Freedom of Expression presents the best in acoustic music, comedy, poetry and magic...from 8pm. FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub

Wed 06 • Music: Dragon’s Ball K*nt & The Gang, David Goo. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Discord NEW MUSIC EVERY WEDNESDAY presents BANGERS: LIVE HIPHOP South London’s most magnavolt live and open mic hiphop session, hosted by Oliver Sudden. Featuring DJs Blue Movies and Al Mighty on the decks. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm plus £1 Tequila shots and £1 bottle of beer. £2 entry all night, doors 7pm.. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Pool: The Oval Pool Competition Every Wednesday from 19.30 hrs. Balls and banter - a textbook night in the pub. £2 to enter, with cash prizes. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Quiz: Mike C’s General Knowledge Quiz From 9.00pm Mike K’s general knowledge quiz, non-members welcome! Every Wednesday Caterham Club, 10A, Croydon Road, Caterham CR36QB • Dance: Dancercise Keep fit and meet new people at this

fun and friendly beginners dance class. Come and join the fun every Wednesday. 7.30pm. £3.50. Central Court, Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Gay: Camp Bingo hosted by Miss Isla Blige – drinks at Happy Hour Prices from when you buy your books until the first number is called. The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net

Thu 07 • Music: Me Myself and Your Mum Mumocity X presents live metal with Me Myself and Your Mum plus supports. FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: ALT.X Rock / Metal / Alternative with DJ Tony X plus guests. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 10pm, plus £1.50 shots of Jager all night! Free before 10pm, doors 7pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Steve Matthews Trio Steve Matthews's stripped-back Razers, featuring Zero 7 and Brand New Heavies' Neil Cowley (sans trio) on the ivories and the omnipresent Richard Sadler on upright bass. Live blues at The Oval. Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry! The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: The New Delta Big Band From Ellington to Herman, big band jazz at its best! 8.15pm to 11pm. FREE! Every 1st and 3rd Thursday of the month. The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Quiz: JF Big Quiz From 8pm.

what’s on The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Quiz: Crown and Sceptre Fun general knowledge quiz. Every Thursday from 9pm. Crown and Sceptre, 32 Junction Road, South Croydon, 020 8688 8037

Fri 08 • Music: Dj BennyManyHats playing indie, reggae, ska and classics. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: WTF? Four decades of Indie, Alternative, Electro and Punk hits with DJ Zoe Urchin. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Oval DJs The regular Oval faves, plus guests, keeping Fridays funky. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Karaoke: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8.30pm every Friday night. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF

Sat 09 • Music: Dj Rob Delta playing sixties, soul and psychadelia. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Deadbeat Descendant A Night of Intense Enjoyment "May edition Brighton on Brighton special"a. The Prince Albert, Brighton • Club: Linton Dance Bombs. Funk Rockets. BeatSeeking Missiles. Never Outgunned. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on The Gun Tavern, Crown Hill, Croydon • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday Portmanor, Portland Road, South Norwood, SE25 4UF

Sun 10 • Music: Mark Armstrong Quartet. Lunchtime Jazz with the Mark Armstrong Quartet. 1pm. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Big Joe Louis & His Blue Kings Big Joe and the boys in town to tear it up and bring it down with authentic 40s and 50s down home rhythm 'n' blues. Live blues at The Oval. Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry! The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Live New Orleans Jazz Every Sunday 12.30 - 2.30pm at The Lord Napier Jazz Pub. Entry £2, dance floor, raffle, great atmosphere at one of the longest running Jazz Pubs in Great Britain The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath. 020 8653 2286 • Dance: Burlesque and Pole Classes - NEW! 5-7pm, upstairs, £7. Sorry chaps it's Ladies Only! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Open Decks 8pm onwards, downstairs. Fancy yourself as a bit of a DJ? Come and wow us! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Quiz: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8pm. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Music: Open Mic Sundays Live music every Sunday The Brief, George Street, Croydon 52

www.myspace.com/thebriefcroydon • Music: Open Mic The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Road, Purley, CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Music: Open Mic Jam evening, acoustic open mic. All welcome.. The Dog and Bull, Surrey Street, Croydon

Mon 11 • Music: Community Choir 6-8pm, upstairs, all welcome. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Poker: Poker Night - NEW! 7-9pm. Play in this fun and friendly tournament - if you've never played before, don't worry, we'll teach you! £6 all in, includes buffet. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Word To Your Mother Music from the 90’s – grunge, Britpop, dodgy pop and vanilla ice Half price drinks until 12am Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Gay: The Big Fun Gay Quiz Night fun and general knowledge quiz. Questions from all categories, games that everyone can enjoy. Start the week off with a bang! Starts 8pm The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net • Music: The Big Beer Band Live big-band music. Every Monday from 9ish. FREE! The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/the_brief www.bigbeerband.org

Tue 12 • Music: Freedom of Expression presents the best in acoustic music, comedy, poetry and magic...from 8pm. FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub

what’s on

Please mention Deep-London when visiting venues... • Club: Common People Indie & Beyond. Great songs you know – great songs you don’t. With DJs Colt Zero and Arry Gateau and student friendly Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 11pm. Doors 7pm, £1 before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar

Wed 13 • Dance: Swing Dancing - NEW! New! Swing Dancing classes upstairs, 79pm with Swing Patrol! £5 The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Discord New Music Every Wednesday: presents GOLDILOCKS plus guests. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm, plus £1 Tequila shots & £1 bottle of beer. Doors 7pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Pool: The Oval Pool Competition Every Wednesday from 19.30 hrs. Balls and banter - a textbook night in the pub. £2 to enter, with cash prizes. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Quiz: Mike C’s General Knowledge Quiz From 9.00pm Mike K’s general knowledge quiz, non-members welcome! Caterham Club, 10A, Croydon Road, Caterham CR36QB • Club: King Of Clubs Loop Lounge Poker Night: It's the standard Texas Hold’em format that we all know and love. This night is open to all Loop Lounge members. To register an interest and book a place at our tables please visit our website. Midday until midnight Half price on all drinks: Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry. Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon,

CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Dance: Dancercise Keep fit and meet new people at this fun and friendly beginners dance class. Come and join the fun every Wednesday. 7.30pm. £3.50. Central Court, Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Gay: Camp Bingo hosted by Miss Isla Blige – drinks at Happy Hour Prices from when you buy your books until the first number is called. The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net

Thu 14 • Music: Chas n Dave GERTCHA! Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon • Event: Croydon Communicators upstairs. Learn to speak confidently in public with this friendly group. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Jools Holland Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon • Club: ALT.X Rock / Metal / Alternative with DJ Tony X plus guests. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 10pm, plus £1.50 shots of Jager all night! Free before 10pm, doors 7pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Errol Linton Duo Brixtonian busker-cum-bluesman blends soulful Memphis harp sounds with calypso and reggae-tinged rhythms. Live blues at The Oval. Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry! The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Quiz: JF Big Quiz From 8pm. The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076

www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Quiz: Crown and Sceptre Fun general knowledge quiz. Every Thursday from 9pm. Crown and Sceptre, 32 Junction Road, South Croydon, 020 8688 8037 • Music: The Brian Hetherington Jazz Band Listen or jive to the authentic rythyms of New Orleans. 8.30pm-11pm. FREE! Every 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month. The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286

Fri 15 • Music: Dj BennyManyHats playing indie, reggae, ska and classics. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: WTF? Four decades of Indie, Alternative, Electro and Punk hits with DJ Zoe Urchin. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Oval DJs The regular Oval faves, plus guests, keeping Fridays funky. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Comedy: Croydon Comedy Club Live stand-up at the Fairfield, every fortnight. 8.30pm - £9. Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, 020 8688 9291 www.fairfield.co.uk • Karaoke: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8.30pm every Friday night. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF

Sat 16 • Event: Eurovision Song Contest • Event: Eurovision Party From 7pm til late, fancy dress - come as your favourite country and enjoy the fix that is Eurovision! The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/the_brief

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... • Music: Not Fade Away II BennyManyHats presents Not Fade Away II, featuring live Garage Rock from The Marmosets plus Djs playing upbeat 60s and 70s... Upstairs The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: DJ Rob Delta downstairs playing sixties, soul and psychadelia. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Linton Dance Bombs. Funk Rockets. BeatSeeking Missiles. Never Outgunned. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: Me and Mandy the best in Electro, Uplifting and Tech house. Me and Mandy are back! bringing you the best in Electro, Uplifting and Tech house, to get you buzzin’ ready for Ibiza this summer. Raymundo Rodriguez Tommy Mac Jordan Brown Si Gern Tom Unity + live band 9pm until 5am Admission £10 in advance For more info call 07786 264 854 Dress Code: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday The Gun Tavern, Crown Hill, Croydon • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday Portmanor, Portland Road, South Norwood, SE25 4UF • Market: Garden Market The Alma Garden Market hopes to create a vibrant bustling market place in the large private courtyard of The Alma pub in Crystal Palace. It runs every Saturday with over 20 stalls selling plants & flowers, beauty products & treatments, exotic oils, olive oils, capers, strawberrys, chocolates, jewellery, hand

made cards, rugs, leatherwear, knitwear, deli produce & wide range of arts & crafts from local artists. The Alma, 95 Church Road, Crystal Palace, London SE19 www.thealmapub.com

Sun 17 • Music: Derek Nash (Sax Appeal) Lunchtime Jazz from Derek Nash (Sax Appeal), 1pm. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Manu Delago Don't miss this amazing live gig from the master 'Hang' drum player! "Music you can feel on your skin". Plus support from lovely local legend Tom Janssen. 7pm, FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Giles Hedley & The Aviators Rootsy polymath Giles brings the whole gang tonight and delivers his usual delta-fed passion and grit; backed up by the powerhouse pairing of Richard Sadler on bass and skins supremo Sam Kelly. Live blues at The Oval. Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry! The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Live New Orleans Jazz Every Sunday 12.30 - 2.30pm at The Lord Napier Jazz Pub. Entry £2, dance floor, raffle, great atmosphere at one of the longest running Jazz Pubs in Great Britain The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath. 020 8653 2286 • Music: Open Decks 8pm onwards, downstairs. Fancy yourself as a bit of a DJ? Come and wow us! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Trashville Rock N Roll, Rockabilly, Psychobilly and Cow Punk from DJs Johnny Spazz and Hufty. Doors 7pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com 54

www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Quiz: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8pm. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Music: Open Mic Sundays Live music every Sunday The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/thebriefcroydon • Music: Open Mic The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Road, Purley, CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Music: Open Mic Jam evening, acoustic open mic. All welcome.. The Dog and Bull, Surrey Street, Croydon

Mon 18 • Music: Community Choir 6-8pm, upstairs, all welcome. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Poker: Poker Night - NEW! 7-9pm. Play in this fun and friendly tournament - if you've never played before, don't worry, we'll teach you! £6 all in, includes buffet. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Word To Your Mother Music from the 90’s – grunge, Britpop, dodgy pop and vanilla ice Half price drinks until 12am Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Gay: The Big Fun Gay Quiz Night fun and general knowledge quiz. Questions from all categories, games that everyone can enjoy. Start the week off with a bang! Starts 8pm The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net • Music: The Big Beer Band Live big-band music. Every Monday from 9ish. FREE! The Brief, George Street, Croydon

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... www.myspace.com/the_brief www.bigbeerband.org

Tue 19 • Music: Freedom of Expression presents the best in acoustic music, comedy, poetry and magic...from 8pm. FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Common People Indie & Beyond. Great songs you know – great songs you don’t. With DJs Colt Zero and Arry Gateau and student friendly Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 11pm. Doors 7pm, £1 before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Event: Anna’s Cocktail Night 1st and 3rd Tuesdays of the month. The Oval does kitsch! Great house cocktail menu, complete with Twiglets on the bar. Watch out for DJs and guest live music slots. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Club: King Of Clubs Loop Lounge Poker Night: It's the standard Texas Hold’em format that we all know and love. This night is open to all Loop Lounge members. To register an interest and book a place at our tables please visit our website. Midday until midnight Half price on all drinks: Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry. Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk

Wed 20 • Club: Discord NEW MUSIC EVERY WEDNESDAY PRESENTS: Breakbeat DJs. Doors 7pm free entry before 10pm plus Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com

www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Dance: Swing Dancing - NEW! New! Swing Dancing classes upstairs, 79pm with Swing Patrol! £5 The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Pool: The Oval Pool Competition Every Wednesday from 19.30 hrs. Balls and banter - a textbook night in the pub. £2 to enter, with cash prizes. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Quiz: Mike C’s General Knowledge Quiz From 9.00pm Mike K’s general knowledge quiz, non-members welcome! Caterham Club, 10A, Croydon Road, Caterham CR36QB • Club: King Of Clubs Loop Lounge Poker Night: It's the standard Texas Hold’em format that we all know and love. This night is open to all Loop Lounge members. To register an interest and book a place at our tables please visit our website. Midday until midnight Half price on all drinks: Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry. Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Dance: Dancercise Keep fit and meet new people at this fun and friendly beginners dance class. Come and join the fun every Wednesday. 7.30pm. £3.50. Central Court, Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Gay: Camp Bingo hosted by Miss Isla Blige – drinks at Happy Hour Prices from when you buy your books until the first number is called. The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net

Thu 21 • Music: Si Cranstoun live, upstairs. Doo wop, rock n' roll and swingin' soul from the lead singer from The Duallers! £10 The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: ALT.X Rock / Metal / Alternative with DJ Tony X plus guests. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 10pm, plus £1.50 shots of Jager all night! Free before 10pm, doors 7pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Chris Youlden & the Shakey Vick Band Savoy Brown singer Youlden and harp veteran Graham Vickery's blues crew knock out rough, ready and rocking Chicago sounds. Live blues at The Oval. Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry! The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: The New Delta Big Band From Ellington to Herman, big band jazz at its best! 8.15pm to 11pm. FREE! Every 1st and 3rd Thursday of the month. The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Quiz: JF Big Quiz From 8pm. The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Quiz: Crown and Sceptre Fun general knowledge quiz. Every Thursday from 9pm. Crown and Sceptre, 32 Junction Road, South Croydon, 020 8688 8037

Fri 22 • Music: Dumpy’s Rusty Nuts See article this issue The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/the_brief www.bigbeerband.org

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... • Music: Dj BennyManyHats playing indie, reggae, ska and classics. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Oval DJs The regular Oval faves, plus guests, keeping Fridays funky. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Club: WTF? Four decades of Indie, Alternative, Electro and Punk hits with DJ Zoe Urchin. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Karaoke: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8.30pm every Friday night. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF

Sat 23 • Music: 'The All Day Breakfast' The Green Dragon presents 'The All Day Breakfast' with Lord Farr and Barry 'Dr Fux' McCarthy on Dragon FM, 10am9pm. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Comedy: Live Comedy upstairs from 8pm. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Sauce! Al ‘Belgian Al’ Deniro’s great new band. 9pm. The PortManor, Norwood Junction • Club: Linton Dance Bombs. Funk Rockets. BeatSeeking Missiles. Never Outgunned. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday The Gun Tavern, Crown Hill, Croydon

• Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday Portmanor, Portland Road, South Norwood, SE25 4UF

Sun 24 • Music: Motiv Band Lunchtime Jazz with the Motiv Band (great players, imaginative arrangements), 1pm. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: The Freeze Blues, swing and all-round Americana from this original four-piece. Live blues at The Oval. Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry! The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: Live New Orleans Jazz Every Sunday 12.30 - 2.30pm at The Lord Napier Jazz Pub. Entry £2, dance floor, raffle, great atmosphere at one of the longest running Jazz Pubs in Great Britain The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath. 020 8653 2286 • Dance: Burlesque and Pole Classes - NEW! 5-7pm, upstairs, £7. Sorry chaps it's Ladies Only! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Open Decks 8pm onwards, downstairs. Fancy yourself as a bit of a DJ? Come and wow us! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Bank Holiday Drum n Bass SPECTRUM PRESENTS BANK HOLIDAY DRUM N BASS: SUBFOCUS (Ram Records) CHRIS INPERSPECTIVE (Exit, Inperspective Records) ANDY SKOPES (Good Looking) MR JOSEPH (Fizzy Liquid) MAKO (Utopia Music) + MC's BLACKEYE, GOLDENCHILD & DEEFA £4 before 9pm, £6 after Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com 56

Mon 25 • Event: Bank Holiday • Music: Community Choir 6-8pm, upstairs, all welcome. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Poker: Poker Night - NEW! 7-9pm. Play in this fun and friendly tournament - if you've never played before, don't worry, we'll teach you! £6 all in, includes buffet. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Comedy: Sketchatron: Nano featuring Pappy's Fun Club, Ginger and Black and Jollie. Pappy's Fun Club: Sketchatron favourites, the multi award-winning, allsinging, poor-dancing, quartet of chums. "The best sketch comedy show at the Fringe" - The Scotsman is not an overstatement. "Turbo-charged" - The Guardian, however, is. Presenting all new material. Ginger & Black: The totally brilliant deadpan duet present new stories from the second World War, in the lead up to their new Edinburgh Festival Fringe show "The Extraordinary Life and Times of Harold". "Summons shrieks of laughter" - The List **** - Three Weeks , **** - Fest Jollie: Better musicians than we have any

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... right to have on the sketch comedy circuit grace us with our presence, doing awesome songs and wonderful stories. "Blackadder-style storytelling and silly songs.. A jollie good time had by all" **** - Three Weeks **** - The List 8pm. £6 / £5 Pleasance Islington, North Road N7 9EF, nearest tube: Caledonian Road Booking line: 020 7609 1800 or online at www.pleasance.co.uk • Theatre: Much Ado About Nothing Until 25th June. The Regent’s Park Open Air Theatre is a much-loved summer tradition of London life. Starring Shakespeare's most reluctant lovers played by Samantha Spiro (Olivier award-winning actress and National Theatre & Donmar regular) and Sean Campion (Olivier and Tony award nominee for Stones in his Pockets), Much Ado About Nothing is a joyous, wise-cracking comedy of love, honour and second chances. 0844 826 4242 www.openairtheatre.com • Club: Word To Your Mother Music from the 90’s – grunge, Britpop, dodgy pop and vanilla ice Half price drinks until 12am Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Gay: The Big Fun Gay Quiz Night fun and general knowledge quiz. Questions from all categories, games that everyone can enjoy. Start the week off with a bang! Starts 8pm The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net • Music: The Big Beer Band Live big-band music. Every Monday from 9ish. FREE! The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/the_brief www.bigbeerband.org

Tue 26 • Music: Freedom of Expression presents the best in acoustic music, comedy, poetry and magic...from 8pm. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Common People Indie & Beyond. Great songs you know – great songs you don’t. With DJs Colt Zero and Arry Gateau and student friendly Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 11pm. Doors 7pm, £1 before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: King Of Clubs Loop Lounge Poker Night: It's the standard Texas Hold’em format that we all know and love. This night is open to all Loop Lounge members. To register an interest and book a place at our tables please visit our website. Midday until midnight Half price on all drinks: Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry. Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk

Wed 27 • Dance: Swing Dancing - NEW! New! Swing Dancing classes upstairs, 79pm with Swing Patrol! £5 The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Discord NEW MUSIC EVERY WEDNESDAY presents OPEN YOUR SKULL IV: Noise Night. Ear-smashing live acts and DJs, £3 entry, £2 with flyer, Cheap Sheep drinks deals 7pm-9pm plus £1 Tequila shots and £1 bottled beer. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Pool: The Oval Pool Competition Every Wednesday from 19.30 hrs. Balls and banter - a textbook night in the pub. £2 to enter, with cash prizes.

The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Quiz: Mike C’s General Knowledge Quiz From 9.00pm Mike K’s general knowledge quiz, non-members welcome! Caterham Club, 10A, Croydon Road, Caterham CR36QB • Club: King Of Clubs Loop Lounge Poker Night: It's the standard Texas Hold’em format that we all know and love. This night is open to all Loop Lounge members. To register an interest and book a place at our tables please visit our website. Midday until midnight Half price on all drinks: Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry. Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Dance: Dancercise Keep fit and meet new people at this fun and friendly beginners dance class. Come and join the fun every Wednesday. 7.30pm. £3.50. Central Court, Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Gay: Camp Bingo hosted by Miss Isla Blige – drinks at Happy Hour Prices from when you buy your books until the first number is called. The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net

Thu 28 • Event: Croydon Communicators upstairs. Learn to speak confidently in public with this friendly group. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: ALT.X Rock / Metal / Alternative with DJ Tony X plus guests. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 10pm, plus £1.50 shots of Jager all night! Free before 10pm, doors 7pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0.

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Quiz: JF Big Quiz From 8pm. The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Quiz: Crown and Sceptre Fun general knowledge quiz. Every Thursday from 9pm. Crown and Sceptre, 32 Junction Road, South Croydon, 020 8688 8037 • Music: The Brian Hetherington Jazz Band Listen or jive to the authentic rythyms of New Orleans. 8.30pm-11pm. FREE! Every 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month. The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286

Fri 29 • Music: Ska/Reggae Night. A series of fine DJs play the best ska and reggae from 9pm, upstairs, FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: WTF? Four decades of Indie, Alternative, Electro and Punk hits with DJ Zoe Urchin. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Oval DJs The regular Oval faves, plus guests, keeping Fridays funky. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Karaoke: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8.30pm every Friday night. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF

Sat 30 • Music: Djs Freeqboi and CherryBomb playing an eclectic mix - plus a few surprises! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Linton Dance Bombs. Funk Rockets. BeatSeeking Missiles. Never Outgunned. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday The Gun Tavern, Crown Hill, Croydon • Music: Live Rock Bands Every Saturday Portmanor, Portland Road, South Norwood, SE25 4UF

what’s on the longest running Jazz Pubs in Great Britain The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath. 020 8653 2286 • Quiz: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8pm. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Music: Open Mic Sundays Live music every Sunday The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/thebriefcroydon • Music: Open Mic The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Road, Purley, CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Music: Open Mic Jam evening, acoustic open mic. All welcome.. The Dog and Bull, Surrey Street, Croydon

Monday 01 June

Sun 31 • Music: Alex Garnet quartet Lunchtime Jazz from the Alex Garnet quartet, 1pm. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Dance: Burlesque and Pole Classes - NEW! 5-7pm, upstairs, £7. Sorry chaps it's Ladies Only! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Music: Open Decks 8pm onwards, downstairs. Fancy yourself as a bit of a DJ? Come and wow us! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Trashville featuring live band Rocket 88 with DJs Johnny Spazz and Hufty, the Flattop Brothers and Big Beat Kris (Ace Café). Doors 7:30. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Live New Orleans Jazz Every Sunday 12.30 - 2.30pm at The Lord Napier Jazz Pub. Entry £2, dance floor, raffle, great atmosphere at one of 58

• Music: Croydon Jazz Band Big band jazz - 1st Monday of every month Botley Hill Farmhouse, Limpsfield Road, Warlingham Surrey, CR6 9QH. Phone: 01959 577154 email: enquiries@botleyhillfarmhouse.co.uk • Music: The Big Beer Band Live big-band music. Every Monday from 9ish. FREE! The Brief, George Street, Croydon www.myspace.com/the_brief www.bigbeerband.org • Music: Community Choir 6-8pm, upstairs, all welcome. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Poker: Poker Night - NEW! 7-9pm. Play in this fun and friendly tournament - if you've never played before, don't worry, we'll teach you! £6 all in, includes buffet. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Word To Your Mother Music from the 90’s – grunge, Britpop, dodgy pop and vanilla ice Half price drinks until 12am Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com

what’s on

Don’t forget to check out the weekly what’s on... www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Gay: The Big Fun Gay Quiz Night fun and general knowledge quiz. Questions from all categories, games that everyone can enjoy. Start the week off with a bang! Starts 8pm The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net

Tue 02 • Event: Anna’s Cocktail Night 1st and 3rd Tuesdays of the month. The Oval does kitsch! Great house cocktail menu, complete with Twiglets on the bar. Watch out for DJs and guest live music slots. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Club: Common People Indie & Beyond. Great songs you know – great songs you don’t. With DJs Colt Zero and Arry Gateau and student friendly Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 11pm. Doors 7pm, £1 before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Club: King Of Clubs Loop Lounge Poker Night: It's the standard Texas Hold’em format that we all know and love. This night is open to all Loop Lounge members. To register an interest and book a place at our tables please visit our website. Midday until midnight Half price on all drinks: Monday to Thursday 5pm to 7pm, Fridays 5pm to 9pm Open Midday until 11pm. FREE entry. Dress: No caps, sportswear, or hooded tops. Jeans and trainers are permitted. Over 18s only - ID required. Loop Lounge, 12 Crown Hill, Croydon, CR0 1RZ. 020 8760 7000 www.looplounge.co.uk • Music: Freedom of Expression presents the best in acoustic music, comedy, poetry and magic...from 8pm. FREE! The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub

Wed 03 • Music: Dragon’s Ball Acts tbc The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: Discord NEW MUSIC EVERY WEDNESDAY Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm plus £1 Tequila shots and £1 bottle of beer. £2 entry all night, doors 7pm.. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Pool: The Oval Pool Competition Every Wednesday from 19.30 hrs. Balls and banter - a textbook night in the pub. £2 to enter, with cash prizes. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Quiz: Mike C’s General Knowledge Quiz From 9.00pm Mike K’s general knowledge quiz, non-members welcome! Every Wednesday Caterham Club, 10A, Croydon Road, Caterham CR36QB • Dance: Dancercise Keep fit and meet new people at this fun and friendly beginners dance class. Come and join the fun every Wednesday. 7.30pm. £3.50. Central Court, Croydon Clocktower, Katharine Street, Croydon www.croydonclocktower.org.uk • Gay: Camp Bingo hosted by Miss Isla Blige – drinks at Happy Hour Prices from when you buy your books until the first number is called. The Bird In Hand, 291 Sydenham Road, Croydon, CR0 2EL. 020 8683 3104 www.birdinhand.uk.net

Thu 04 • Club: ALT.X Rock / Metal / Alternative with DJ Tony X plus guests. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 10pm, plus £1.50 shots of Jager all night! Free before 10pm, doors 7pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar 59

• Music: Live Blues Act ync Live blues at The Oval. Bands start 8pm Thursdays, 5.30pm Sundays. FREE entry! The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Music: The New Delta Big Band From Ellington to Herman, big band jazz at its best! 8.15pm to 11pm. FREE! Every 1st and 3rd Thursday of the month. The Lord Napier, 111 Beulah Road, Thornton Heath CR7. 020 8653 2286 • Quiz: Two Brewers Fun general knowledge quiz. From 9pm. Two Brewers, 221 Gloucester Road, Croydon, 020 8684 3544 • Quiz: JF Big Quiz From 8pm. The Jolly Farmers, 7 Purley Rd, Purley Surrey CR8 2HA, 020 8660 2076 www.jollyfarmers-purley.co.uk • Quiz: Crown and Sceptre Fun general knowledge quiz. Every Thursday from 9pm. Crown and Sceptre, 32 Junction Road, South Croydon, 020 8688 8037

Fri 05 • Music: Dj BennyManyHats playing indie, reggae, ska and classics. The Green Dragon, 58-60 High Street, Croydon, CRO 1NA www.myspace.com/greendragonpub • Club: WTF? Four decades of Indie, Alternative, Electro and Punk hits with DJ Zoe Urchin. Cheap Sheep drinks deals till 9pm. Doors 7pm, free before 10pm. Black Sheep Bar, 68 High St, CR0. 020 8680 2233. www.blacksheepbar.com www.myspace.com/blacksheepbar • Music: Oval DJs The regular Oval faves, plus guests, keeping Fridays funky. The Oval Tavern, 131 Oval Road, Croydon, CR0 6BR 020 8686 6023 www.ovaltavern.co.uk • Karaoke: Wheelwright’s Arms From 8.30pm every Friday night. Wheelwright’s Arms, 126 Southbridge Road, Croydon, CR0 1AF

Right, let’s all join hands and hearts and voices to welcome the month of May, famous for, er, let me see, May day, some bank holidays and Morris Dancing. I guess that really only leaves one option thematically… Aries Mar 21-Apr 20 After much deliberation I think I can finally confirm that one of my favourite people called Morris, Maurice, or some kind of derivative, is none other than Morrissey. Not a lot of people who know me know this, but I am quite a fan of the living legend and even went so far as to throw an almighty tantrum when I was refused permission to incorporate Morrissey into the naming of Mystic Mike Jnr. Taurus Apr 21-May 20 I had a Morris Minor once. I guess you could say it was one of my first sexual experiences, the first of course being the hoover. Gemini May 21-Jun 21 Maurice John Giblin Johnston, or “Mo” to his friends, played football in the 80’s in Scotland, being the fist high-profile player to play for both Rangers and Celtic. For those who don’t know, they’re big rivals and supported by either Catholics or Protestants, depending on your religious beliefs. I believe that Children are the future and we should teach them well and let them lead the way, but then I tried it once by leaving the map-reading to my nephew Horace and we ended up in Bangor, when we were supposed to be in Bangkok. Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22 I saw some Morris dancing a year or so ago, while I was in Lewes, eating an organic burger. If I remember rightly, after eating the burger, just outside the produce store, I walked back over the mini bridge and along the high street. Not sure if I actually bought anything but I have a vague recollection of looking for a rug. Or possibly some cutlery? It’s probably not important anymore.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22 Another not very exciting instalment beckons kids… Frank: Do you like Morris dancing Hank? Hank: I’ve never seen Morris dancing. Frank: The routines with the sticks, you not seen that? Hank: Oh, I thought you mean’t Morris from the garage, dancing. Frank: No, Morris dancing with sticks and handkerchiefs. Hank: I saw a bloke dancing with a handkerchief sticking out his back pocket. Frank: What colour was it? Hank: Blue, why? I got one myself, look. Frank: Please move away from me Hank.

Well perhaps not surprisingly the Morris, Maurice etc theme seems to have ground to an entirely predictable halt. [What about Mark Morriss, eh? Not a mention... - ED] If you have any suggestions as to possible other themes associated with May then please do write to me at the address on page 97. In the meantime, on with the show…

Libra Sep 23-Oct 22 About 13 years ago, in May 2005, I wrote some star signs for your delectation and I think now is a good time to revisit some of them. Actually no, hang on a minute, is it the Eurovision Song Contest in May? My internet connection is down so I can’t check but if it isn’t, I don’t care. This year the United of Kingdoms is represented by a girl, signing a song about a moment, I know because I heard it on Radio 2 earlier. Which reminds me, normally I like to address the issue of what happens in a routine day for Croydon’s most famous celebrity-cum-astrologer. Here goes…

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21 Ok, so today I got up about 6.30am and sat in the front room until my Dad turned up. Then I had a mug of coffee and went to the shop to buy a couple of papers. The woman asked me a question and I answered. Then I walked back and I think had another mug of coffee. Then I did some work for a few hours, had a little break for lunch (left over spag bol) and carried on working and flicking through the paper. Turns out some Americans have been teaching some foreign chaps bodyCapricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 boarding when they were supposed to be I met a secret agent in the pub the other interrogating them. No wonder there’s so day. At least I think he was a secret agent many people queuing up to be terrorists if because he wouldn’t tell me what he did that’s what how bad the job gets. Anyway, so I finished working and stuff for a living when I asked. and now I’m going to eat an apple puff. Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21 Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19 No news is good news so, er, that’s good then.

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22 Now a lot of uneducated folk, which let’s face it is most of Croydon, won’t realise that Morris dancing isn’t just a load of .blokes or whatever hitting sticks or something. There are actually six different styles – Cotswold, North West, Border, Longsword, Rapper & Molly. My personal favourite is of course Border Morris, which is a simpler, looser but more vigorous style, normally danced with blackened or coloured faces.

Pisces I must leave enough star signs for Pisces. I must leave enough star signs for Pisces. I must leave enough star signs for Pisces. I must leave enough star signs for Pisces. I must leave enough star signs for Pisces. 60

Feb 20-Mar 20 space to write better space to write better space to write better space to write better space to write better